#i dont even know what im going to do | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

carrickbender · 1 year ago

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Sunday 7

1. Today was great- I did my best to show up for H(whose body is trying to kill her) and Henry, who is just being his sweet self, but when I can't show up for myself it makes show up for them a herculean task. I thought maybe if I talked to a therapist I might pick up a few strategies for dealing with negative self talk, but nope. So back to square one...

2. I'm listening to "the gifts of imperfection", and while I appreciate Brene Brown so much, and I can understand what she is saying about vulnerability, but a big part of me still says, "what if those voices are right?". That part of me knows that nothing is ever going to be enough, and that to believe otherwise is stupid and unrealistic. If you found a way to live with these feelings, please let me know, because I'm striking out.

3. I've been procrastinating about taking a civil service exam, as was requested, and I have to take it tonight as soon as buggy is in his bed. I have to be in Oly at 8 am for a physical for a p.t. job, then a signing at 4 pm in East County, then run back so H and her friend K can go to a knitters group.

4. Wednesday I have another endoscopy, and I hope we can figure something out. I'm tired of being miserable after eating even the smallest amount of foods. I've eliminated foods, I've added others, I've changed already smaller quantities... nothing helps. Fun, right?

5. My mom is taking me up, as it's required to have someone take you there and back, but I'm regretting my choice. It's honestly nothing new: I'm tired of only hearing from her whenever she needs something, and when she feels guilty about it, she works herself doing something way too fucking hard like she did today and when we do try to include her in our lives(like we did today), she tries to make me feel guilty for not helping. She says things like, "well I didn't want to bother you"- well that never stopped her before but here we are!!!!! And she wonders why we don't ask her for help...

6. And Friday is the dentist, with a temporary dental appliance that I need just so I don't look awful for interviews. I'm already going into most interviews at a disadvantage from the start, so I need to try to at least reach the bottom bar. Which needs to happen soon, because yeah, I'm not made of money.

7. Anyhow, this has just been a rant and screaming into the void. I'm sorry to be a broken record, but I feel like I'm scrambling against everything just to keep my head above water. If you have any extra energy and good vibes, send them please- i really need them this week. Thank you all for letting a bit of light in, and thank you for being amazing. You are loved and appreciated more than you know.

#me #this is my life #dadlife #exhausted #gastric bypass #complications #im so far underwater #i dont even know what im going to do #just keep swimming #keep me where the light is

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delicourse · 9 months ago

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i miss them a little if im gonna be honest

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #kageyama shigeo #kageyama ritsu #hanazawa teruki #tome kurata #tsubomi takane #shou suzuki #deliart #i meant for the image to be like. after the end but i also didnt think about the hairstyle changes. sorry......#also i know i was like shou 100% has dwarf hamsters since he got 2 but u know what i dont care. golden hamster stan for life #im planning on getting one i've been checking out breeders near me so i can get a proper healthy one. there are so many good ones here too #i already am thinking on what color im gonna go for..getting picky even. something like offwhite.. silver pearl.. silver dove.. silver mink #jurys still out on wether im gonna get another female or not #i do love how big ladies get and their intense energy and work ethic. truly the most passionate creatures i've ever come across. inspiring.#but a lazy fluffy guy that just sits around and washes his balls all day does seem easier. less likely to climb my curtains.#i got distracted i love hamsters so much. look at my mop drawing now everyone

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deep-space-lines · 8 months ago

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okay but like. I just had the weirdest thought about that ‘don’t look I’m naked’ comic. Which is that that’s essentially the same thing Adam and Eve did after they ate the fruit of knowledge of good&evil. So I feel like the theological implications of that could kneecap Gabe if he doesn’t think V1 is a being with free will.

yeah ok. i dunno man. is this anything

((side note. this isn’t necessarily meant to be in-character or story-accurate or take place at any particular point in time, just a way to explore some Thoughts. i was also imagining more that V1’s words aren't actually spoken, more like Gabriel’s more articulate interpretation of whatever garbled mechanical noise V1 is using to communicate. I think an angel could do that.))

and then they fucked nasty the end

#my art #my writing #who fuckin sent this. fuck you. come off anon so i can kick your ass. (the thoughts this ask sparked consumed almost 3 days of my life)#i dont know what this even is #i just work here #disclaimer i don't come from a particularly religious background so like.#most of my knowledge of christianity comes from when my mom sent me to vbs for cheap babysitting in middle school or absorbed via osmosis #so i have no idea what im talking about except for when i do! hope this helps #i love how i say that like i expect biblical scholars to tear apart my ultrakill gay fanfiction #if you are a biblical scholar and you want to tear apart my ultrakill gay fanfiction please know i am not going to read the bible for this #ultrakill #v1 ultrakill #gabriel ultrakill #gabv1el #blood #love tagging ultrakill stuff with blood. hmm yes the floor here is made out of floor

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mueritos · 5 months ago

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happy pride to all queer children of immigrants

patreon

#muertodraws #queer art #queer comic #lgbtq #pride #trans artist #qtpoc #trans art #transgender #transmasc #mlm #if youre a queer child of immigrants you deserve free lifelong therapy #this comic was originally going to be a “i feel like a freak” cuz im trans and people dont know what to do with me #and then it turned into like. oh god this experience is compounded by your complicted relationship to uhh well #being mexican and a child of immigrants #i was originally going to add a quote from a jose marti poem but idk i didnt want this to get too long #i think if i did that i would prolly attract the attention of latine purists and nationalists lmfaooo #i already have people who dont even believe im mexican much less a child of immigrants much less a man #the most common hate i get now is that im a confused white woman gringa who isnt latin american #besides the transphobia im just like. have you ever heard of a diaspora #anyway #hope someone enjoys this

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xxplastic-cubexx · 1 month ago

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Hi!! Your Cherik is so good and gorgeous 🤩🤩 If you don't mind wanna try to draw some Fall of X Cherik please?

thank you so much !!

i have a couple of ideas relating to the fall of x period specifically since theres. A Lot i wanna play with, so i hope this lil thing may be a satisfactory start :]]

and the obligatory bonus:

#xmen #xmen comics #fall of x #cherik #charles xavier #erik lehnsherr #erik magnus lehnsherr #max eisenhardt #professor x #magneto #snap sketches #for clarity on of this tag ramble im calling magneto max OK ok #sorry it took me a while to answer- ive been busy this week !#but yah like i said theres a lot of Fall Of X moments i wanna poke at #one i really wanted to doodle around was max's time with the shadow king from Resurrection of Magneto #the third issue is prob my fave in general if im so tbh .... but i wont prattle bout that ill go back to my previous prattle #i dont think i have a comic in mind prob just a doodle with shadow charles....#i mean if im devious enough i can def turn it into a comic but for now i just know i wanna do something with that #honestly even this moment i might revisit when i have more time to draw something. a lil better #i dont hate this its a sound start- but i THINK i wanna draw a smooch. a lil kiss. idk we'll see #cause im cheeky like that. 'will this be the last time i see you' 'girl idk we can kiss about it though' etc etc #god not to get off topic but im so curious what will happen with these two ... but thats for a diff post i guess #honestly if you guys have any runs i should read lemme know !! i just finished way of x and bar that ive just been reading the 60s issues #i have a couple on my list i wanna check out but im always excited to look into recs if yall think theyre worth it !!#but ya. thats all from me for now #my time is so finite this week i hope i can draw these sillies again soon .. i have a lot of ideas i fear #maybe i can sneak in one more doodle tonight ... <- doubtful

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calistra1star · 6 months ago

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just this

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umblrspectrum · 5 months ago

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hi im back

#i didnt go anywhere i just got really lazy #as it turns out doing two art months back to back is not good for your spirit #you dont get to see the other one go fuck yourself #anyways back to your regularly scheduled murder drones stuff #btw if you steal my stuff again then you s Prepare.#murder drones #murder drones n #murder drones v kinda #murder drones cyn #murder drones tessa #combining like 12 seperate headcanons into “tessa wanted to matchmake them but she sucks at matchmaking”#nobody here is good at romancing. cyn doesnt even know what a romance is #art #im so bad at posing i hate that fucking second panel i might go and redo it entirely cause looking at it makes me boil

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anna-scribbles · 2 years ago

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haven’t had enough time to draw s5 adrinette to convey just how much this is genuinely the only thing on my mind

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bunnyboy-juice · 4 months ago

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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???

#personal #i am emotional yes #over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme #nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post #and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity #especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making #if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care #i just needed to scream #and this is one small thing #but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks #saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that #my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten #i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked #-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also #and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb #a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u #idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit #im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved #im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does #wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun

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ender1821 · 19 days ago

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im a child of divorce

#the bit is over when i say its over and even when its so joever for these two its not over for me!!! (once again i am on heavy copium)#anyway. thoughts behind the spoiler tags #gempearl #shiny duo #wild life smp #life series spoilers #wild life spoilers #i feel like. i actually was expecting that #no but its so funny the one time the negative consequences of something does actually get acknowledged its the SL finale ‘betrayal’/j #like cmon fuck me i guess/j (BIG EMPHASIS. ON THE SLASH J. OKAY.)#but honestly though i did expect Gem to hold a grudge over the 2v1 in SL. and. its good that there are consequences???#it IS a ‘betrayal’ in Gem’s eyes. they were friends. they were murder besties for the last two sessions and then Pearl chose Scar over her #and its awesome man. [through gritted teeth] this is awesome man this will be good for character development ok ok ok. ok?#its also got something to do with Pearl having the red creep in. i think #because during SL Gem was like. nearly idolising the Scarlet Pearl persona while vaguely aware that her own reputation has a similar effect #and yknow. the horrors. the fact that their image is so heavily built on what others deem them to be and they can only play into it #but by the end of SL Gem gets ‘betrayed’ by this persona that she looked up to #and also her own ‘GeminiSlay’ intimidating image is also starting to fall apart. partly of her own will #and now shes watching Pearl slowly turn red again. and this time she knows its not good for her or Pearl #so shes distancing herself from it. shes ‘trying to fix her reputation’. she sees Pearl falling into it again and just. no. i dont love you #you betrayed me last season #but on Pearl’s end of things she’s already deep into the idea that as long as you say you ‘forgive’ someone then everything thats happened #in the past doesn’t matter and they can all be friends. and nooo absolutely no grudges will be held. no emotional repression here #so. because thats happened to her in her own team she thinks the same can happen with her and Gem #and thats so. im going to blow myself up now

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miwtual · 1 year ago

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im so fucking tired of the disrespect gifmakers get on the gifmaker website

#kai.txt #negativity tw #(sorry these are gonna be a lot of tags. i have a lot of feelings and i dont know where else to put them)#we make gifs and nobody reblogs them #when they do get reblogged all people want to tell you is that your gifs arent good enough to them and rip it to shreds #'you're missing x' 'why didnt you do y' 'if i made this i would have abc' 'hey op ur wrong and this is why' 'i dont like this op'#reposters dont even reblog your fucking gifset but they'll save your gifs to repost later asking for how to do something #that they could have asked you how to do in the fucking first place #we reblog ourselves constantly because nobody else will and maybe to make our work look like it has more notes than it does #to make ourselves feel better about the lack of interaction we're getting #and then when we TALK about this frustration we have. people who are too afraid to say it to our faces #go on anon in our askboxes and tell us how we're somehow selfish for wanting people to interact with the sets #that we spent time on. hours. days. WEEKS in some cases #or we get anons who tell us the reason we dont have notes are because we arent good at gifmaking in the first place #but this is all on anon. because they're too scared to tell it to our faces #they're too scared for us to see that they ARENT a gifmaker and that they dont know how to do it any better either #they dont see us as people doing something we love as a hobby. they see us as content machines that dance like court jesters #im just so fucking tired of the disrespect #and this sentiment goes for more than just gifmakers. graphicmakers. artists. literally any creative hobby shared on this site #we get treated like shit and for what? literally for fucking what.

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puppyeared · 8 months ago

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id fumble him so bad

#really really rushed but ill probably go back and clean these up tmrw anyway #i havent played stardew valley but ive been meaning to because i have a little crush on this guy ^_^ hes cute #idk why but smth about him is really endearing. like between him and sunburst i feel like theres a pattern here but idk what #i guess my type is boys that whimper #the last two images are based on a real conversation i had with my doctor a few years ago lol. deadass stared at me for a good 2 minutes #i wanna make a farmersona too...... if my minecraft gameplay is anything to go by id probably play with animals all day instead of #actually farming........ can i just do livestock in stardew.. i dont have a green thumb i managed to kill a succulent once......#actually idk if my computer is even strong enough to run steam but i dont wanna get it on my phone. maybe ill get the microsoft download #unless stardew has its own website like minecraft. i really dont know anything abt it so im going in blind from the start #my art #myart #doodles #puppysona #sona #sdv #sdv harvey #stardew valley #whats funny about this is i have a classmate who kinda looks like if brian david gilbert and harvey had a baby. i havent told him this

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ratatatastic · 15 days ago

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maffhew who refuses to say runebergin torttu because he knows hes gonna butcher it so bad he might be kicked out of the country the second he tries and staunchly avoids that by going "the one dessert that barky is going to have to explain 😃"

sasha who gets faced with the most generic description of everything hes ever eaten in his life so far because of maffhew and going "???... oh you mean runebergin torttu!"

"he did good he liked the food and he likes the finland so far so its good" sasha says with so much pride now that all the anxiety has left his system that his husband teammate is enjoying his country and doesnt hate it

media availability | 10.29.24 (x)(x)

the smile of a man who knowlingly doomed his husband and said husband using all his brain power to context clues his way to whatever the fuck he just got asked that his brain is running hotter than a mid 2012 macbook air thats somehow still alive in the year of the lord 2024 but girl does she chug along shes louder than a fighter jet

#matthew tkachuk #aleksander barkov #florida panthers #2425 #the famous vanha kauppahalli date™#we know how bad he is at pronouncing words not in english he does not want to fuck up his husbands language in front of him #(the nhl stars try to speak german video has entered the chat)#different attitudes here lmao #“he did good” mate he was... eating food... what... what is there to praise here..?#i shivered sweet mary and joseph sasha this is how you praise maffhew? yeah id be an annoying little shit about it too #whatever they have. unexplainable. i wont even bother #im glad to see pie and cake are still very confusing for esol #somehow ive had the conversation with several different people in my lifetime and realised even i dont know what the fuck it is #in the sense that when i translate pastries into english for my american friends i just pause and go #wait... i think this is a pie... but its called a tart in spanish but its also kind of a cake? and- [windows reboot sound]#ive had to do this with pastafrola and im like please just eat it dont make me explain im gonna cry if i do #I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS IN AN ENGLISH CONTEXT BECAUSE IT DOESNT EXIST IN AN ENGLISH CONTEXT TO ME JUST EAT IT #“so whats the difference between a torta and a tarta and isnt a tarta kinda like a pie-” “stop asking questions you dont want answers to”#you have no idea how upset i get trying to explain #im glad sasha at least protrays a little of that frustration by going “i dont know english word” girl SAME

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gbirrd · 1 month ago

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DUN-DUH-DUH-DUUUUHN!

suprise! i've been working as part of ANOTHER Bang! I paired up once again with the delightful @englandamericaitaly to create this piece for their fic as part of the @dpxdcbigbang !

you can read their fic here- a really fun read, and of course I drew the scene with my boy Duke. we gotta step up folks! not enough art of this weird little daylight-loving freak out here!

Image ID:

A drawing of a very dark train tunnel, with a rail track stretching down from the top towards the bottom of the image. At the top of the piece near the back of the tunnel is Duke Thomas in his Signal armour, giving off a strong yellow glow as he is crouched over Clayface, arm raised in a fist to punch him as his head is raised to look up with glowing eyes. Clayface's hand is wrapped around Duke trying to pull him off. At the bottom of the page near the front of the tracks, Jazz Fenton stands facing Duke with a faint green glow. Three shadowy figures stand behind her. In the top right corner there is a close-up panel of Jazz's eyes, in all green, and mirroring it in the bottom left are Duke's eyes in all yellow.

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toytulini · 1 year ago

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listen im ace and im pro kink at pride and whatever, but the way some of yall are wording your posts in response to the backlash against it is uh. really taking me back to the ace shitcourse era.

yall know theres nothing wrong with being a "virgin", right? that its not inherently shameful to have not had sex, to never have sex, even if youre not ace, even if you do want to have sex someday, like, its fine that you haven't had sex?

maybe if your problem is that theyre trying to police your behavior and shame you for expressing your sexuality, you can say that? instead of resorting to "haha stupid virgin gets no bitches" like my god. do you not hear how fucking regressive that attitude is? i know, i know, youre "joking".

get a better joke

#toy txt post #god im going to regret this post im gonna regret it so much i can feel it in my bones #let it flop..........pls #internalize my message let it sink in and understand what i am saying and then let the post flop #i say. knowing the ppl who need to see such a message are the ones who will make me regret this post and regrwt not having #1 million bajillion disclaimers #virgin is in quotes bc its a bullshit made up stupid purity culture concept anyway and quite frankly i hate even seeing the word #disclaimer: the previous sentence is not me saying that it is a slur for asexuals. it is me a single individual saying this specific word #grosses me out to read and see everywhere when its a stupid bullshit binary made up or at least historically largely used #to shame largely women and i dont know why we're still using it in 2023 #and ive just been. seeing such an uptick in this whole like. attitude? lately and like #im ace im minorly sex repulsed. mostly about anything sex at me bad. other adults sex at each other consensually? go wild #i like to think im pretty chill about it. i try to be. i think its fine ig to be like 'my meat is huge i fuck so much so good'#like okay not my thing but good for you. love that for you #but then some of yall have started turning it back around back to. 'haha your meat so small and shriveled you get no bitches'#'haha stupid incel virgin' like okay. didnt realize we all went back to fucking. middle school but okay #god im gonna run out of tine to get ready for my thing writing this stupid post UGH evil #but like idk we've kinda circled back to being like haha being a virgin still is stupid and silly and shameful #and if im quite honest. i do think the acecourse played a part in that bc i felt like we were making good progress in like #hey guys is fine to not have sex ever if you dont want to its fine to not want sex its fine #and then aphobes went fucking rabid on us and splintered and destroyed online communities all over but especially on tumblr #and so many aces went back in the closet we stopped talking about it we stopped spreading awareness and now this stupid goddamn like #and now this stupid bullshit attitude is back where its like funny to call someone a virgin as an insult but like no bro trust me its okay #its okay for me to do it bc im a hot queer person with huge meat instead of a cisstraight frat bro with huge meat #? like you know the issue was the behavior right? not the fact that it was straight dudes saying it? its bc the thing being said was shitty?#you know you can dunk on the puritan bitches trying to police your behavior at pride without getting us as collateral damage right #stop making me read that stupid ugly ass word ur not cool or funny #whatever #if you come on to this post to start shit i will not only block you but as many of your mutuals and followers as i can find. i will scroll #i will block this entire fucking website if i need to do not test me. i am exhausted and the acecourse ate up all my tolerance in 2015.

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deoidesign · 3 months ago

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Idk who needs to hear this but time and time again isn't over!!!

Webtoon removed the "time and time again will return!!!" Banner and I don't know why, but it's not over!!! There's still another 1/3 of the comic to go! There's a lot more stuff that I'm working on and it'll be coming back soon!

Please be patient with me, I know it's been a long time... But the stuff I'm making is really good and there's a lot of reasons it's taken this long. I promise I want it back more than anyone.

I'm trying to come back around the end of October. I'm doing my best to get everything ready in time, so no promises, but I'm on track to do so! I'm just one person writing and drawing everything, and my editor was fired so I'm not even getting any notes anymore. It's literally just me. I'm doing my best I promise!

#im so frustrated that banner has been gone #and people think the comic is over because of that #which is reasonable to think #but it... idk #its already an uphill battle to try snd retain audience after a hiatus this long #let alone when webtoon is actively building thr expectation that theres no need to come back...#im so frustrated #every day there is something new with them its so exhausting #this isnt even the thing I've been majorly stressed about this is a fresh new frustration #i feel like they're not just being unhelpful #at this point i feel like theyre actively sabotaging my career.#im not allowed to promote my books #i can't make my links too big so no one can find me #people dont even know i have a patreon #i can't make any announcements on the comic #and now people think th whole thing is over and it isnt!#im so ;_;#im so frustrated and demoralized #and people complete reasonably are losing patience and interest #and. ah... it's fine. like genuinely it is fine.#it will come back soon and i am doing a good job #and everyone who sees it's back will be happy with what ive done #cause it's good. its really good...#but. yeah. idk. webtoon has been actively keeping me down since the beginning and im so over them #I've been so mistreated aysudjejjdjdjdj #i just want to finish the series and go ;_;#taking all my power to not **** ******#just gotta power through and get the fuck out #text post #update

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