#i dont even know if ill be able to go to work on monday and tuesday bc im so fucking weak and idk if my symptoms will even stop by then
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telling the psychiatrist who gets me my adhd medication that i dont have abnormal anxiety except now im pulling another anxiety-driven all nighter because every time i close my eyes i feel slightly like im going to die from thoughts
the moral of this story is dual enrollment sucks
#rat.txt#anxiety#adhd#i am having so much fucking fun /sarcasm#also im hanging out with a friend i havent seen in awhile at 10 (its 4 rn)#and i have a job interview on monday (tomorrow)#and my dual enrollment class starts on tuesday#except it doesnt if i accidentally fucked everything up#but my anxiety and anxiety driven executive dysfunction have not let me open my computer at all#so i dont know if i accidentally fucked shit up#i finally opened my college email account for the first time earlier this week#<- id had it for over a month#i am going to die on tuesday but at least i can ride the marta instead of drive#the second moral of this story is driving sucks#also on monday afternoon i have to feed the beighbor’s cat#<- i will be laying on their kitchen floor just vibing with the chonky girl#and my class is tuesday from 10-13:30. but the marta is slow and i am anxious so ill be waking up at 7:30ish#and then from 15:30 until like 20:00ish im volunteering to help run the concession stand at my siblings’ swim meet#also im staying with my dad this week (hes cool dw) but ill probably wnd up driving to my mom’s to hang out with my cat#and dying in the process#also i have summer work for ap calculus i havent even been able to open#and my ap lang teacher (who i wont have next year) assigned us summer book reviews but he’s cool and i dont want to dissapoint him#also ap exam scores come out in like july#<- i either did amazing or terribly. no in between#vent post#dual enrollment sucks
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im so fucking angry i feel crazy beating the shit out of my leg w a gatorade bottle i hope it leaves a big beautiful bruise but it probably FUCKING WONT because my life FUCKING SUCKS and GOD HATES ME
#i cant sleep bc the ibuprofen hasnt kicked in and my intestines wont fucking shut up#im not eating until i feel nothing#i dont even know if ill be able to go to work on monday and tuesday bc im so fucking weak and idk if my symptoms will even stop by then#but if i call off what if they get mad at me or think im overreacting#and i forgot to take my meds yesterday so ill be so fucking depressed in a couple days#im actually so mad i could kill someone im so fucking sick of this#i say things
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Don't leave me... I'll stay (Loki)
Summary: After an argument causes a rift between Loki and Y/N, the day is spent ignoring the other until Y/N decides to spend the night away from Loki.
Warning: Angst? i dunno what else to put in but angst eheheh. long maybe? this is a very long fic eheheh. ohh and another thing is that this may be prone to mistakes as i dont have anybody to proof this so... ehehhe
Note: eheheeh the liar has finally posted what was promised, precisely a month late or later. eheheh sorry to those who waited, school has taken a lot of my time, I barely open my laptop to work and im rarely here anymore but i've got until the monday off so lets see what i'll do with that eheheh
The context is vague, I apologize but i am complete rubbish at this. at everything really, including writing so eheheh. To those brave souls that braved this whole thing, Thank you! so very deeply, from the bottom of my heart for even showing the slightest bit of interest in my rubbish ideas. Hope you like it and im stopping myself from going any further and prolonging this intro ehehhe, Enjoy!😊
‘No Loki! Just because I have this disease, doesn’t mean you have the right to keep me locked up like some sort of china. I am able to do just about everything I could before I told you and you have no right telling me what I can or cannot do’ you countered his argument but being stubborn, neither of you relented nor ceased.
You were now second guessing whether it was right or not, telling him about the chronic illness you were diagnosed with, but you knew that you did the right thing if you wanted this relationship to have a good foundation. The reaction however… was not how you thought things would go.
It was simple at first. Barely noticeable and could have been mistaken as added doting to his already caring nature with you but overtime, it became more and more obvious how he was setting up these restrictions you never would have agreed on. It only grew ridiculous, and you would have allowed the passive ones, but this was the final straw.
Your patience had worn thin over the entirety of the argument however, as comments grew more rash and the final ‘disapproval’ of your oncoming task was remarked, you snapped. He had no right to restrict you of activities and tasks he thinks are too much for your condition and it only insulted and hurt you to think that he thought you so frail and weak that even simple chores were too much.
‘I am going on this mission, whether you “approve” or not, because just telling you was out of courtesy. I refuse to be told of my restrictions by anyone besides myself. I would have understood your concerns if the situation were more grave, but for the love of God, it’s a simple data extraction.’ You exasperated, growing tired of fighting about something you know he won’t fold on.
‘In an abandoned Hydra base!’ he pointed out, choosing not to acknowledge how you outright dismissed his concern, no matter how much it hurt. ‘You know of the dangers that lurk in those retched lairs and often times there are still those who patrol the premises. You do remember when Rogers and Romanoff were attacked during their little escapade in Camp Leigh, do you not?’
‘Of course, I remember, I’m not a moron’ you snide, glaring daggers at the raven-haired god and you were just about to justify how Barnes was going with you however the comment he let out was the final pull on the thinned thread.
‘Well, you certainly are acting like one’ he mumbled without thinking, turning away. He thought it was low enough so you wouldn’t hear but he thought wrong.
‘I beg your pardon?!’ you all but screeched out of fury. Loki flinched before he turned at the high pitch and fury, he heard from you. He saw the outraged his comment caused in your eyes. The fire that burned in those beautiful orbs of yours was terrifying however, what truly frightened him was how you took a breath, calming yourself and before he could so much as apologize, rolled your eyes and turned away.
‘I’m done’ you raised your hands in surrender, turning your back to him.
‘What do you mean you’re done?’ he asked as fear of losing you threatened his being. You mean everything to him and just the very thought of losing you and him being the very reason you were gone… it opened a holocaust in his mind.
‘This conversation, I am done. I’m ending it before either of us say something or does more damage that there already is’ you yield, busying yourself with tidying up the files you had splayed out all over the floor.
Relief flooded his senses before guilt quickly bore fruit.
He watched as you packed up your work and strode out of the room. It took him a minute, but he followed you out and once he finally reached the living room, he met the sight of you slipping on your trainers and throwing your gadgets, wallet and keys in your bag before moving to the door and slamming it shut.
He stood frozen in the threshold of the hall as he processed what happened. All he wanted was to keep you safe. Never did he think that things would go this bad.
You stormed out of the flat and went to the compound for the briefing you had with Bucky. It was scheduled for tomorrow, but you just could not stay in the flat, not with him, not at the moment. You needed a cool head and quite frankly, yours was blazing.
You called Barnes to reschedule, which he agreed to but before he could ask why, you had already hung up. You needed to calm down, seriously.
You took a scenic route around the city before heading to the facility. You parked at the car park and turned off the vehicle before you let your head fall on the steering wheel. Loki’s’ words really stung but in his own way, you knew he meant well. He loved you but it felt demeaning to be confined to one place or to be babied. You are a grown woman; this disease may affect you in some way but you wouldn’t let it define and control your life like its slowly doing to Loki.
You took your phone to look at the time and was greeted with lock screen background of you and Loki cuddling, fast asleep. Someone from the team took the picture to spite Loki but you found it adorable and set it on your phone. It brought a small grin to your lips until you got a message from Barnes saying which conference room was being used for the quick briefing. You sighed, taking your bag before exiting the car and heading in the building.
The briefing was quick. Only about the layout of the base, where to go and what to take. You were in and out in possibly ten minutes, but you longed for it to be longer. You didn’t want to go home yet so you stayed for a chat with the others, talking to Wanda about her relationship, discussing with Bruce the project he was working on before you went and left with a goodbye, heading for the shops for dinner prep and a bit of groceries, taking your time in each aisle to pass the minute until you really had to go home.
Loki had texted Thor after you left, asking if you were at the compound. It took a bit for his brother to respond but eventually he replied with ‘Barnes says she’s on her way for a meeting’. He felt relieved to at least know where you are, knowing you were safe and not alone somewhere.
Hours passed until he heard your keys on the front door, the metal snake keychain giving a distinct clink with the rest of your keys. He looked to the door from where he sat on the living room, watching as you trudged in the brown bags of groceries. You kicked the door closed and placed the bags in the kitchen bench, never sparing him a look. He could sense that you didn’t want to be around him, he could always sense it. He’s had years of experience with being ignored nor wanted. He knew when to take his leave, so he left for the bedroom, never sparing you a sound of his departure.
You saw Loki on the chaise when you walked in. You blatantly ignored him, but he was on the couch. The only indication you got that he left was when you heard the bedroom door close. You were fixing everything you had bought to the cupboards and the pantry when you just heard the soft click of the door closing. You felt bad with how distant you two were being but what stung more is that he couldn’t bear to be in the same room as you that he had to leave. You wanted to make things right. You were thinking of things to say as you put away the vegetables, but he seemed to want the opposite.
You put everything away and started making supper, finishing an hour or two later. Loki still hasn’t left the bedroom, though you did hear the shower run a few minutes prior, so you ate by yourself, wallowing in your thoughts about the mission and Loki.
Your bowl was half gone when he emerged from the room and moved to where you were eating on the table. You had prepared him a bowl, which now sat at the other end of the table. You weren’t talking to each other, but you still care and love him. The soup had gone a bit cold, but it was there, and he sat and ate it anyways.
Both of you stayed silent, neither breaking the silence as the tension grew thick. You quickly finished the rest of your meal before standing abruptly to start cleaning up. You let the bowl rinse and soak in the sink while you stored the leftovers in a container and to the fridge. You had put more than enough on his bowl, so you were sure he wouldn’t be asking for seconds. You quickly washed the dishes whilst he ate while reading his book. He was nearly done when you left the kitchen and proceeded to the bathroom.
He let out a sigh and dropped his book when he heard the shower running. He has been staring at the very same paragraph over and over but not once has he actually paid attention to the text let alone understood it. He was hoping to break the ice between you two, but he froze, missing his chance.
He rinsed his own dish and made sure everything was good and locked up before he went back to the bedroom, preparing to go to bed.
You came out a few minutes later, steam billowing from the ensuite and following you. Your hair was wrapped up in a towel, your body clad in the oversized jumper you adored, with a nightie underneath. You still refused to acknowledge him as you made your way to the closet, grabbing a spare comforter.
This got Loki’s attention and was what broke the silence of the room, really the silence you have both established since the argument earlier.
‘What are you doing?’ he asked as he stopped fluffing the pillow in his hold. Your pillow.
‘I have a few case files to read and paperwork to do so… I’m staying in the living room’ you stated, hardly with any emotion, tugging at the comforter from the top shelf.
‘And the need for a blanket?’ he questioned again, looking over your well bundled figure. The sweater you had was thick and big enough to cover your legs if you were truly that cold, he knew that and the fact that you only use blankets whenever you were going to sleep.
‘It’s likely I’ll fall asleep on the couch so I’m preparing for the inevitable. To put it bluntly, I’m sleeping on the couch’ you say, finally turning around to see him holding your pillow before you moved to leave the room.
All Loki could do was nod, clenching his jaw as his hands dropped your pillow and watch as you left the room. He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t will his lips to move in protest and just accepted what was going to happen. He didn’t want to force you seeing how that went earlier, so he let it… you, go do what you wish. He didn’t want to lose you and he’d do anything and everything to avoid that.
He got cleaned up in the bathroom before he went to bed. He couldn’t sleep and for hours he’s spent it staring up at the ceiling. Once he'd learned to sleep with you by his side, it was harder now to do so without you and the lingering thoughts of your fight earlier kept him company.
It took a while before the fatigue finally succumbed to him, his mind too tired to do anything that it finally forfeited and let him rest.
You on the other hand, haven’t slept at all. Not a wink of it. You spent a bit writing up some reports and looking over at some case files but after you found that you couldn’t focus, you packed everything up and tried to get some sleep. Tried. You really did but as tired as your body was, your mind worked wonders in keeping you up.
The fight you had was your fore thought, mainly the look in Loki’s eyes when you said you weren’t sleeping in the same room as him. He always tried to look impassive in front of others but with you, his eyes held so many expressions of love and adoration, you saw none of that as he held your pillow.
You felt bad leaving him alone. The gesture alone of fixing your side of the bed was heart-warming, that it made you feel like a monster when you saw the look he gave you. Of absolute disappointment? It wasn’t the right word, but you felt like you took the one good thing he had and crushed it in front of him.
You tried to stave off such thoughts, thinking of your task for tomorrow and such but it wasn’t any use. Your mind was going miles per minute, and you just couldn’t keep up. You stayed on the couch for hours, laying on the furniture as your eyes stayed transfixed on a spiderweb on the ceiling. You grew restless overtime so the idea of making tea came to mind.
You thought it a good idea for a cup to help you, so you finally got up. You took the towel you used from the coffee table and hung it on a chair as you turned the kettle on. You grabbed a cup from the drying rack and dropped the bag of chamomile you got from the jar, as you waited for the water to boil.
It was then you heard a whimper. It came fast and low, you were beginning to think that you imagined it when you heard it again. You left the cup sitting on the counter as you went to investigate, looking all around the open space of the flat until it finally registered to you that it was coming from the bedroom.
Loki…
Fast steps quickly took you to the door of the room, which was left open and from where you stood, you heard his cries clearly. The room, gloomy when you entered had scarcely any light. The only source came from the dim lighting from the hall and the sliver of moonlight seeping through the curtains, but it was enough to help you at least see figures.
You moved to the general area of where the bed was and there you saw his figure, trembling slightly. From what you saw as your eyes further adjusted to the darkness, he laid on his side, his shirt damp with sweat, his face glistening and his hair sticking all over his neck and cheeks. He had a pillow in his hold, his head buried in the cushion, but the muffled whines and whimpers still persisted to reach your ears. It was your pillow.
It had been a long while since these terrible nightmares have plagued his nights. The last was far too long ago you hardly remembered it anymore. You remember how he once told you about it having something to do with you sleeping by his side. That something about you just calmed him and made his mind come to a peaceful state. The guilt you felt increased tenfold as the regret of leaving him alone ate you alive. You didn’t… you don’t… you couldn’t have imagined how much you had helped him without even realizing and now leaving him to his own devices… you felt like a pompous prick.
You sped to his side, whispering his name in hopes to arouse him but it proved to be futile.
You sat beside him, turning to the side to face figure. A finger reached to tuck the damp locks behinds his ears as you whispered his name again, hoping to get through his thoughts but it still wasn’t working. Your hands moved to cradle the side of his face, your thumb caressing his cheek in hopes to stir him as you continued to say his name.
‘Loki’ you said softly, knowing using any other tone or pitch would only frighten him further. You moved your head next to his, your body twisted in an awkward position, but you couldn’t care less. You continued to whisper his name close to his ear, your thumbs caressing those sharp angled cheeks until he finally stirred.
You felt it. That light shake of his head as he finally starts rouse, as if shaking off fatigue and merciless thoughts that haunted his mind. You pulled away a bit to see him properly, wiping the beads of sweat that coated most of his forehead with the sleeve of your jumper as your other hand continued their gentle caress on his cheeks. He had a furrow that pulled his brows together and normally you would have found it adorable but right now you only hoped to remove it.
He blinked slowly, gathering his bearings to check if he was truly out of the agonizing torment his mind had conjured. He was losing you. It was scene after scene of ways he loses you and all of it was his fault. From you leaving him after an argument, to the image of the mad titan snapping your neck in his grasp as he watched. Each scenario broke him in every way, and he just couldn’t bare it.
The sight was still fresh in his mind as he finally started to ebb away from the drowse of sleep. Then as panic set him as he realized and processed what had happened, he didn’t notice the soft whisper of his name or the caress of your delicate fingers. He was on the verge of complete panic, tears welling up his eyes when he felt it. You.
Your voice. You touch. Your scent. Everything. It all enveloped him to the point It became overwhelming, but he wanted it. To suffocate in everything you, to banish those horrid thoughts away.
‘y/n?’ he whispered meekly, still questioning whether he was still in the throughs of his nightmare.
‘I’m here, It’s okay. It’s just a nightmare’ you replied as tears started to pour from his eyes and cascade down his cheeks.
‘I’m sorry, I-I’m sorry, p-please don’t leave me’ he heaved, his voice shaking with every word, it broke your heart to hear him so broken. His arms moved to wrap around you, having a tight hold on your waist, leaving the pillow, as he wept.
You could only do so much to keep your own tears at bay, but you managed to stay strong. Your fingers wiped much of the tears, but they only continued to flow so you pulled him in to hide in the crook of your neck.
‘Shhh darling. It’s alright, I’m here, I promise’ you said in his ear, knowing his cries would only muffle his hearing. He cried and cried, apologizing just as much in between but you still dismissed every single one.
‘Shhhh, you’re okay darling. It’s only a nightmare, it’s alright’ you moved your body to lay on the bed fully, settling beside him comfortably as you held him tight. Your fingers weaved through his obsidian locks, scratching his scalp in hopes to console and comfort him in anyway as he continued to heave on the crook of your neck.
It broke your heart to see him like this. Frightened to the bone like a little boy, shivering as if dunk in the oceans of the arctic. All those years of suffering topped his insecurities and the lack assurance and consoling care throughout most of his life… of course he was afraid. Of the possibilities this life held. He’d seen the worst parts of it, of course id be difficult to peer outside that little protective box he hid in. And your argument certainly didn’t help matters.
He cried for a while and you let him. Bare his vulnerability to you and it was your honour to be shown this fragile part of him. You’d treasure the trust he had in you, to keep him safe in times like these. You wouldn’t let anything happen to him, especially like this. You love him too much.
He calmed down after a little while, still letting out soft sniffs and whimpers every once and a while, but he had calmed down. You placed a soft kiss on his temple, an assurance of sorts before pulling back to face him but his grip only tightened, a whine escaping his lips as he hid himself further in the safety of your hair.
He didn’t want you to pull away for fear of you having enough of him, but he wouldn’t have it. He couldn’t.
You hushed him softly, running a hand through his inky locks and caressing his scalp, assuring him you weren’t going anywhere and only meant to talk to him. He was reluctant but he gave in, nodding the slightest bit before pulling away to face you.
His face was red, eyes bloodshot and puffy around the eyelids, looking down and anywhere but at you. Streaks of tears, dry and fresh cascaded down his sharp features, causing his unruly hair to stick. The look he gave you completely broke your heart, rendering it to mush whilst he had the decency to look so heartbroken.
You kept your composure as a finger swiped a way those stray locks, tucking it behind his ear before he nuzzled in the warms of your palm. Your thumb glided along the prominent angle of his zygoma, brushing away whatever moisture was left until you tilted his head up, by the chin, to look at you. His beautiful emerald eyes shimmered with unshed tears however he still won’t look you in the eyes.
‘Loki’ his name came off your lips in a soft whisper, finally grabbing his attention. Now that you finally had it though, all words seem to have left you, your thoughts drawing blank. A sigh left your lips as you let your head drop to his, your foreheads pressed together as you closed your eyes.
‘I’m sorry’ you said blankly, your hand rising to come through his locks and to scratch his scalp. Whether it was for his comfort or your distraction, you wouldn’t know.
He shook his head, dismissing your apology. Half of him didn’t know what you were apologizing for yet the other had an idea as to what, and even if it truly was what you were thinking, he knew that it was his fault.
‘No, don’t apologize. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have treated you as such, but please darling, forgive me. I cannot lose you, please. Don’t… don’t leave me’ he practically begged. He really couldn’t lose you. He just wouldn’t know what to do if he did, but he just knows he won’t survive it.
‘No, I must apologize’ you argued, continuing on before he could cut you off ‘My actions weren’t acceptable, but Loki… We cannot keep going on like this. I am my own person, I refuse to told what to do, let alone what I can’t. I refuse to be caged in the four walls of this flat like some treasured bird, I’m not. I will not be restrained. By some illness nor God or man. This won’t work if that is what you want’.
‘I know, I know. I-It’s not, It’s not what I want. I’m sorry but darling, I just can’t lose you. I can’t. I won’t survive it. Please, I won’t do it again, just please don’t leave me.’ He sobbed, dropping his head back down the crook of your neck and he held you in a tight embrace. You understood what he meant; you don’t think you could survive losing him too.
‘I won’t. I’m not leaving you. I would never. I'm staying’ You affirmed. You really wouldn’t, but you won’t stand being coddled to the brim.
You held on to each other tightly for a while. Just letting the others presence calm one another. Loki hidden in the arch of your shoulder, arms wrapped around your waist, while you laid your head on top of his, a hand mindlessly raking trough his gorgeous locks. It proved to be comforting for the both of you, evidently.
‘I only meant to protect you’ he mumbled with a sniff out of nowhere.
‘I understand, my love. And the best I could do is promise to be safe and extra careful. I won’t take too risky missions if that gives you a peace of mind.’ You offered. You knew he only meant well and cared for your safety. You love your job but often times, it was too dangerous, even for your standards after everything. Taking fewer and safer missions wasn’t a problem. As long as you had worked to do that involved helping people, you were satisfied.
You felt him nod his head lightly at the suggestion, causing a soft smile to bloom from your lips before placing a soft kiss on the crown of his head. You didn’t see it but a small smile curved his lips as well at the feel of your lips on his skin. The touch starved part of him relishing in these small moments of affection like treasure.
Your free hand moved to caress his back when you felt how damp the fabric of his top was. The sweat he had worked up earlier still hasn’t dried and you knew how uncomfortable he would get bathing in the slightest bit of dirt, hence why you thought of getting him cleaned.
You place another kiss on his cheek before attempting to untangle yourself from him. The events of the nights had taxed the god, but you wanted to get him at least a bit clean before he fully dozed off however, as you tried to get off his loving embrace, his grip only tightened, his droopy eyes opening wide to see the commotion.
‘Shhh, It’s alright. I just have to head out to the kitchen to check something and I promise, I will be right back my love’ you said softly to his ear, hoping his drowse would keep. He gave a tired huff before reluctantly setting you free. Your grin only grew wider, and you place a quick peck on his lips before you scrambled off the bed.
You quickly checked the kitchen to see if the kettle hadn’t burned and once assured, you left it as it was and headed to the loo to get what was needed. You took a small towel from the cupboard bellow the sink and ran it under the water to get it wet. Once it was fully soaked, you wrang the excess water from the towel and quickly grabbed a spare shirt from the wardrobe before going back to the bedroom.
The darling god had his eyes closed with your pillow once again tight in his grasp. This time, the sight made you smile. At how adorable he looked, face squashed on the cushion. You could tell how exhausted he was though, so you made haste in getting him set for night’s (hopefully) peaceful rest.
You sat beside him on the bed, the shifting of the mattress making him dare open an eye just as you were about to rouse him. He gave you that small charming smile of his when he saw you and your hand moved to cup his cheek, letting the pad of your thumb caress his now dried cheeks.
‘Can you sit up for me, luv’ you asked, leaning down to his ear. He gave you a faint nod before you sat back and helped him up. The fatigue was really getting on to him as he laid his head on your shoulder, so you made sure to finish as soon as possible to finally let him have a good night’s rest.
You gathered his hair into a pony with one hand and held it away, while the other wiped the damp cloth on the back of his neck. He flinched at the contact, having been spared a warning, you promptly apologized and moved as quickly as you could.
You wiped his face with great care, before you pulled his shirt off and threw it on the nightstand, to be put on the hamper after you were done. You wiped him all over until you deemed it enough and gave him the spare shirt. He put it on and just before you could leave the bed again, he took your hand. He gave you a pleading look that spoke volumes, and how could you resist when he gave you those doe eyes.
You gave him a soft smile, leaving the little towel beside the shirt and made your way to your spot on the bed. You got comfortable before you looked at him, staring at you with great fondness, it made you bashful yet you still opened your arms, welcoming him in to be held, which with great eager, he accepted. He laid beside you, wrapping his arms around your torso as he inhaled the scent of your hair, a welcome comfort after the course of the night.
You pulled the covers up to cover you both, but the feel of his soft lips just made you forget about everything but him, making you snuggle closer in his hold.
He had his head laid on the top of yours, his arms tied around you and your legs intertwined. An arm of yours cradled the back of his head, tangling to the roots of his inky locks while the other drew abstracts on his back. You held each other, never saying a word yet the silence was finally comfortable. A tranquil state you two could once again relish.
The silence however gave your mind room to intrude the peace, thinking of how things got to this point. From the argument, to the dismiss of each other’s presence and up until the confession after the dreadful nightmare, you admit that parts of how this ended up being the conclusion of the day, was your fault. Yes, Loki had his own mistakes in the matter, but you could have taken a point and fixed it. Why didn’t you get a grip and made the effort to make things better. You shouldn’t ha…
A deep sigh broke you out of your trance. A squeeze, you felt you were given as arms around waist tightened and you were pulled impossibly closer to the mass holding you.
‘I can hear your gears turning, darling’ Loki mumbled, followed by a small chuckle, breaking the deafening comfort of silence. The sound was well welcomed after the tension of the day.
‘Sorry, luv. Go back to sleep’ you reply, scratching his scalp. He hummed in response, a smile pressing against your hair before a quick peck was planted on the top of your head. You grinned, closing your eyes, hoping to finally get consumed by the black oblivion that was rest.
The gentle caress on your arm helped, lulling you to a peaceful state of mind. Loki knew what helped you too.
Eventually the night drew on, painting the dark skies with stars as the two held each other, succumbing to blissful state of peace promised by slumber.
The night was a lesson for the two. To understand the other, to work out their problems and to never go to bed angry.
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Hey so im the anon that was trying to manifest going to an rvent and also good exam resultss. Well its monday night noe and i didnt grt to go to that event and i also got horrible results. I wanted atleast like 80% but i dont think ill get even 60%..(the papers have been shown but we haven’t received report card.) anyways i rlly thought that i eoykd go to that event, i affirmrd so much ,did sats and also believed that i would go even at the last moments, i have no idea what went wrong . I also thought i would get good grades. Now im depressed, i had depended so many things on manifestation and without it ,i have so so many problems. Ive got board exams this year in 3 months and they are rrally really important i thought id manifest good grades but i dont know now.. i also may not be allowed to give them bcs i have low attendance (thought id manifest that problem away too) many teachers dont like me and so many of my assignments are incomplete idk what to do.my mind has also starting convincing me rhat my prrvious manifestations were just coincidences.Without being able to manifedt ,these problems away i wont be able to do anythng. Eithout manifestation,my life is awful
Hey babe, 💖 I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, and I want you to know that it’s completely okay to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. First things first: don’t be too hard on yourself. Manifestation is a journey, and sometimes things don’t show up exactly how or when we expect them to, but that doesn’t mean it’s not working for you.
Here’s what I want you to consider:
1. You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong
Sometimes when we put too much pressure on the outcome or feel like we need something to happen, it creates resistance. This can slow down the manifestation or make it seem like things are falling apart. That doesn’t mean you’re not capable of manifesting—it just means you were probably focused more on the lack of it (even without realizing it). The good news? You can still turn this around. ✨
2. Start Fresh
Take a deep breath, and know that this situation doesn’t define your manifesting power. It’s easy to get caught up in the 3D results, but remember that the 3D is just a reflection of past thoughts. It doesn’t mean your future is set in stone. Start fresh today with the belief that things can still shift—you’re the creator, and you have the power to change your reality.
3. Rebuild Your Confidence
I know it feels like everything went wrong, but don’t let your mind convince you that past manifestations were coincidences. The law of assumption is always working, even when things don’t show up the way we want. Start affirming again: “Manifestation is easy for me,” “Everything always works out in my favor,” and “I trust myself and my power.” You can build your confidence back by focusing on small wins—start manifesting little things to remind yourself how powerful you are. 💫
4. Focus on the End, Not the Obstacles
When it comes to your exams, attendance, and assignments, start focusing on the end result—seeing yourself already having passed your board exams with great results, having everything completed, and being in a good place with your teachers. Instead of worrying about how it will happen, live in the end and affirm that it’s already taken care of.
For example:
“I pass my board exams with ease.”
“My assignments are all complete and accepted.”
“Everything with my teachers is resolved in my favor.”
Let go of the small details and trust that things will shift in your favor.
5. Don’t Give Up
You’re going through a tough moment right now, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on manifesting. If anything, this is the time to persist even more. Take it one step at a time, and don’t feel like you have to solve everything all at once. Focus on rebuilding your mindset and trusting the process. You have the power to turn things around—start small if you need to, but don’t give up on yourself or manifestation.
You’re not alone in this, and things can and will get better. Keep affirming, stay strong, and remember—you’ve got this, babe. 💖
Sending you so much love and support. You’ll get through this. 💫
xoxo, sweetchaosbabe🌟
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PARRRRTTTT SEVEN REACCTTTIONNS
- nivi u angel bby thank you so much for the update!!! i always look forward to monday updates (west coast girly u did it with hours to spare) BUT REMEMBER don’t over work yourself over getting us updates!!! ily!!!
- my goal for the chapter is to stay far away from cliffs because i seem to always threaten them!
- stop paige’s little mini panic then relief when azzi and stephie are still there 😭😭 sweet girl went through it:(
- “and maybe this is how i become whole again.” oh hey it’s me, remember before i started reading i said i would stay clear of the cliffs? yeah well, fuck that! find me a cliff because i died dead. screaming, crying, throwing up. NIVI u are my evil genius but please please just protect her heart PLEASE.
- okay paige just left the bed if she leaves the house without speaking to azzi and stephie u might finally get some tears out of my eyes! i rlly don’t think she would but…
- stop poor drew 😢drew being annoyed with paige switching teams?!? im nervous for drew and azzi reunion.
- going to be honest i don’t really interact with azzis brothers stuff anywhere so i don’t know anything abt Tallulah but she seems so sweet in your fic ❤️🔥
- stop the fudds missing paige and talking about her😭😭 im on the floor next to the cliff bleeding out
- stop tim and paige mean so much to me
- stop paige legit tripping over her feet at the sight of stephie upset MY HEART
- STEPHIE ASKING PAIGE TO PROMISE SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE 😭😭 im scared
- I PROMISE ILL TRY TO STAY. fuck i’m scared
- god. your writing is a masterpiece. this whole situation is damaging my soul. i don’t hold it again azzi, im fully convinced she has her reasoning that were VAILD but oh my god i feel so bad for paige (this is not me saying that azzi didn’t go through shit too) but my poor bby is terrified i feel so bad ☹️
- stop stephie really is a mini azzi 🥹🥹
- love.
- kill
- me
- now
- let’s go back to me at the bottom of the cliff bleeding out, my pulse is barley there now.
- STWAAAPPPP paige spoils stephie it’s so cute
- YOUR DAUGHTER 🥹🥹🥹🥹
- i can’t tell if that helped or made my pulse worse
- hey so my baby fever is still here and killing me.
- “ONLY FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER.” my pulse just gave out, flatlined, not breathing, dead 🤗 thank you so much.
- YES PAIGE YOU ARE SAFE WITH AZZI.
- JANNNNNAAA MY GIRRLL
- Aunty Chérie you say? hmm i can just smell paige’s jealousy
- “you’re supposed to be holding me and i’m supposed to be holding you; it was meant to be us.” hey so i somehow just died even more😁
- okay here is the thing, i feel for olivia i do. the situation most have been hurtful to her however, CUNT CUNT CUNT DONT U DARE EVEN THINK A NEGATIVE THOUGHT AGAINST THE AMAZING, PERFECT, GORGEOUS, SMART, TALENTED, LOVELY, AZZI FUDD. her and her passive aggressive comments can leave.
- OHHHHH AZZI FUDD, YOU ATE HER UP SHE MAY BE 5th BEST BUT MY GOD AREBU NUMBER ONE BY MILLLLLLLES.
- “if it was azzi” paige babe let’s fast forward to that divorce.
- also paige going on tik tok spirals abt azzi while her wife is in the same room is just WILD and kinda sad almost makes me feel bad for mrs. cunt (my sympathy for her evaporated the second when opened her mouth around azzi 🤬🤬)
- the whole last section. omg. i know i already died then came back to life but i am not FLINGING myself back off the cliff 😁
- GODDDD NIVI u talented, talented women i cant believe how you always are able to amaze me with your writing.
- i’m gonna be honest it’s 2am for me i started reading at 10 and i just finished. i kept having to take breaks because i was screaming, no tears though!
- chapter was 100,000/10
- QUESTIONS FOR NEXT CHAPTER:
- OKAY so ms french girl whose name i can’t remember at the moment is no longer playing with the valkyries… are we gonna get like flashbacks of azzi and her in future chapters?
- this may be dumb but if the olympics were 2028 next ones were, 2032 and its 2033 right? so did the other olympics pass? are we gonna learn more about that? did azzi and paige win gold? IM SO CURIOUS!!!!
- okay that’s all i got i think…sorry for yapping so much!
oh also i kept dying but it’s def gonna keep happening tbh
-🤩🤩
HI MY LOVEEEEEE <3
- You're literally the most precious soul ever and lowkey I really needed to hear that cause I do mayhaps stress just a little bit about updating so thank you :)
- I like that you said you were going to stay away from cliffs and then managed to get through exactly one bullet without jumping off a cliff...
- I lowkey don't know a lot about Tallulah either because I only really have second-hand knowledge of the lives so I'm just lowkey molding her into what works for the plot I guess? But I'm sure she's lovely irl too!
- Circumstance truly is a bitch because I think they're both pretty scared of things beyond their control being an obstacle again
- Baby you really went through it for a couple of paragraphs there huh?
- Listen if I have to suffer through baby fever, you're all suffering with me like I keep having to remind myself that a college dorm is not appropriate for a baby bassinet
- MRS CUNT made me cackle out loud
- Omg not 4 hours babes lmao but I'm glad I still haven't brought you to tears!
- Hmmm I lowkey don't think there will be flashbacks of Clémence like that because her and Azzi's past isn't quite as integral as their present (opposite of Olivia in a sense I guess)
- The next Olympics were in fact 2032...I wonder what happened? I wonder if we'll find out?
Never apologize for yapping, it makes me so happy to hear everyone's thoughts!
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Continued still.. December 3, 2023
Monday night I went to the Knights & flames game with Shane, he got really great tickets & I got to wear my jersey. It was a nice evening, he was good & I had asked him before not to ask me if Im ok at any point to trigger my emotional mess. Chrystal was gone the week so I was going into okotoks everyday to cover. Tuesday I originally didn't have plans but then Connor asked to hang out after work. Went for Taco tuesday which was nice then back to his place. I ended up staying the night, I felt like he wanted me to stay but idk, I still can't get a read on him. Part of me just thinks we're kind of doing the same thing to each other. I mean I know i'm not really going out of my way to ask him or make plans but his texting just sucks that I can't read if he wants to or not. Like its hard to keep any convo up over text & maybe he's just like that, I understand his work is a lot so keeping that up is tough, but then after we talked about how I might not be doing a roadtrip in January it died off & he didn't reply so whatever. I mean he has asked to hang out so I assume, & he does ask me to stay so maybe? But to what benefit? Idk. I do enjoy his company though. Wednesday I went for dinner with Ed & Mariana a founder of ours from Mexico city. Ill have to write another time on how I had planned to do a road trip down to the states or mexico for a few weeks but I dont think it's going to work out in January so I'll talk about it later for now. Went to Charbar which was really great, nice environment & cool, really great food. Thursday I finally had a night to myself, I was pretty tired from the week & had a lot this weekend so I chilled & gamed for a bit, took it easy. Friday had lunch with Ed, again I might talk about that later but I'm still really blessed to be working with him. Friday night was my ugly christmas sweater games night which I think turned out really well! 9 people including me, jeremiah brought his friend Dan, steven, amanda, shane who came 2 hours late... that was another whole other story of annoyance & triggering for me, Kamber, amber & naythan. It was fun, started around 6/6:30 & everyone stayed till like midnight so it was a lot of fun. Saturday I chilled for day, Marc forgot about our facetime which sucks but whatever. Was supposed to go to anneriekes to decorate the tree but didn't want to be around that environment again which I think I forgot to mention anyways that I went for dinner two weeks ago & it was just a lot to take in & I'm tired of talking about Steve. Anyway I went to amber & naythans instead with nova, nova did so good with Rue, it was honestly so sweet watching nova play again & be so gentle with her, made me so happy. We played catan & had a really great night. Amber also got me the exit game advent calendar that were all in a challenge together, like 4 of us couples minus mine of course & that's super fun so far, proud that I've solved the first two alone with no hints! Anyways, love those people so much. Today, sunday, went to 8:30am service which was so good again. I really love this church I think & want to stay in it. Its so lively & actually makes me want to lean into God when I leave & "sets my heart on fire" again feeling. Went to brunch with Daniel at Diner Deluxe which was great again, he's a good guy. Hes really smart & very... aware. Its a breath of fresh air & its really nice to be able to talk to someone emotionally on the same page especially about relationships & the struggles. Then mom surprised me at being at my house after so we could go for a walk & we had some good conversation. Then went to a movie with steven & amanda which was good so im finally relaxing now winding down for bed. This week will be busy again & the weekend but then it get's quiet which I think Im finally looking forward too.
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hey guys i am tipsy. unfortunately
. i think im autistic . Ive gone thru a lot of "wrong so we're changing it" diagnosis but I genuinely think it's Just Autism. I've been listening to these story times but a polyaddict w/ aspergers which, ik is a stupid sentence, but i really don't think ive ever encountered anyone with similar substance issues. Ive closely known 2 other Heavy Polysubstance Users ™ in my life . we all know each other, i don't know if it's fair to call one of them an addict but the other definitely is. and they still have more im common with each other habit wise than they do me. Everything i get high i feel like im competing with myself no matter what I take and atp I've taken at least half a dozen different substances, and at least a dozen combinations of different substances. And im 18. I know I'm an addict but I think theres more to the issue than Just an addictive personality and clinical substance abuse. im competing with myself all the time. I am Actively sitting on my kitchen floor after: 2 bowls out of an apple pipe, 2 small cups (not shot glasses, probably 2.5??? Shots each???) of vodka and::: i bought a .2 of molly rocks, the baggie was 3 rocks and some smaller shit and powder. I took the smaller shit and powder.. idk how much that is but ik what I'm talking abt and this is more for me to back read than anything else
. I took it Impulsively. I bought the .2 for my bday on Thursday and I opened the bag within an hour of getting home (Monday) bc "I don't wanna be on it for the first time around all my friends🤪"... like that justifies impulsively doing molly on a Monday night Just Because You Have It. im 18. I judge how high I am based on "if I had to go to work rn, would I call out?" And it's usually no. Im on MOLLY and Id go to work rn if i had to. I've been chasing dragons and airplanes for years and I've caught up, what, twice since sophomore year of hs? I can think of the 3 times I've vom'd from being too intoxicated, and all 3 times I gotten CONFUSED. bc I was mentally way more sober than my body. I can't remember the last time my mind was high in enough. I always tap out when my body wants too so bad it's not worth it anymore. im not enough now and im gonna keep drinking. im not even sure why. i think the world is so, so beautiful most of the time and that in and of itself scares me.
I dont want sobriety to rob the world of it's miniscule beauty. the fact I think like that makes me sad. I wish I was a "high on life" person. I want the world to be full of miniscule beauty all the time. 3 ish weeks ago i took acid and i remember being fascinated with a spot of rust on my window. If id never done any substance in my life would I have found it beautiful? idk.. But it is scarier to think that maybe I Would have sober, if sober was all I knew. Im afraid of only being able to find miniscule beauty while high. if I had never done anything illicit would I have found that mesmerizing? And worse, If I had done as much as I have done in my lifetime, but I wasn't high in that moment? If I hadn't that night decided to be high, would i have seen the same sight and thought the same thoughts? the sunset was beautiful today, but would i have thought that sober? i don't find meaning in a lot while sober anymore. the only person i truly care about when anywhere the "dead sober to overdosing" spectrum doesn't feel the same about me. am i doomed to be forever chasing the highest high in place of being loved? i hope im not . I don't know if I am, but i hope im not. I want to be sober and married one day. I want that. But as much as I want that I know, it's because, the marriage and sobriety ending will send me into the highest high ill ever see. i love the person im seeing and I truly think I would get sober for them, but the issue is they don't see me the same. they don't see me same so I'm chasing highs in place of the love I want. It's fine. It's fine because I'm alive and I'm not suffering in the debt of a "harder" addiction. but. Fuck. fuck. I wish it was different.
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im so tired
im so tempted to just tell them all i dont even want a day w them to "make up" for them missing the picnic
like im sorry??? its later in the day bcuz wifey works until 5am... we would both need SOME sleep to go to the courthouse && get it signed like wtf??? is that not crossing ur mind?? im not going to sign smth when im tired && im not going to force my lover to do that either
i understand the earlier we go the better but like... sleep is also important bcuz if i dont sleep i will go batshit
its not at [area] bcuz i want a different change for a little bit && ik there's going to be snakes out, it's not that hard to understand lol
like im not going to put the kids i babysit in danger just for a park that has snakes && make us go somewhere further away when we can have a place closer so everyone can go to work && so we can have a different change of pace
also bcuz the area they're wanting me to go is way too fucking close to where i got abused growing up, fuck that
like??? u want to tell me u respect the decisions made for "my day" but ur also going to say "y not here"?? r u srs???
r u fr??? like actually??? if i want to go to a diff park to have an easier time helping out w making sure one gets hurt then i should be able to do that, i can branch out locations i know
even then like... this weekend is going to be hell when sunday hits && then monday... u could at least yk be nice ab it
but im also overthinking bcuz i have a feeling that no one will actually show up, i'll get a txt saying "i couldnt make it so ill reschedule" like WTF DO U MEAN RESCHEDULE??? i get u can spend time w me && my wife at a later day but pls use a different term than "reschedule" bcuz i am NOT rescheduling my small ceremony w u
i plan on this being the first && last marriage i have so... fuck them for not seeing it for what it is
im sorry but if im done w this 7+ yr relationship... im just going to m-s my way out (iykyk) but im not getting a divorce lmao
i refuse to be like my parents && divorce any amount of times, 2+ should have been enough for them && im not going to divorce && fuckin leave ppl behind or smth
im so upset w my family
i want to sob
tbh i expected this, it always happens
i shouldnt have said anything
or ill get a txt from my dad && stepmom that theyre making it ++ my mom && stepdad && then itll crash bcuz itll be too tense
im going to kms if this day doesnt go well i swear
im so close to edge already i swear if my ONLY wedding day doesnt go well, im going to murder myself or someone else
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Im not sure really what to do or say but i want to just verbalise it and ask for help.
Im very scared right now. My physical health has never been worse, my mental health is dangerously unstable, and my work situation is bleak.
I told you that i missed work on monday, well it’s because i had slept in (or rather, passed out from exhaustion) because of the fact while my frequent insomnia and health stuff makes it difficult to sleep, the stress has been so high recently i cannot even fully sleep, like i will be half aware the whole time like im going to be attacked. My anxiety regarding work has mounted to unmanageable levels as every day and night is spent worrying about if im going to be well enough to work and if i will have a mishap like monday.
Work has issued me a first written warning as a code of conduct breach as i missed work on Monday. This understandably is deeply upsetting and disappointing to me, Kay was extremely apologetic but unfortunately its out of her hands as HR deals with the conduct policy, shes really one of the few people i think that actively supports me at work (excluding emma of course). However if another instance of any form of lateness occurs within the next 6 months this will escalate the disciplinary warning.
I spent quite a lot of my shift yesterday in tears because it feels like im a crushing disappointment to not be able to cope with life.
Ive been reflecting a lot recently because of how ill and stressed ive felt constantly and mentally speaking i dont want this anymore i dont want to scrape through while my health degrades further, i want to get better i want to be able to regain control of my life and recover. This is a notable change as you know i usually am a cynical person and will try and look for a way out rather than a solution.
All this to say really that im not sure where to go right now in life, it feels like i am making the choice between healing or pushing on to my detriment.
Of course the problem arises that, we live in a capitalist society and constant money is required to be able to live, im just unsure of how to reach a compromise where im not literally running my life into a situation i cannot get out of. This is not some random laziness i hate that i have to say this at all, i wish i could push on and let you retire and me make the money because you deserve a break more than me, but my body just cannot comply with what im pushing it to do and its shutting down.
I know i need to focus on healing properly, not just run myself into a burnout- take 2 months off work, push through again and rinse repeat, because the last few years have shown that just doesnt work.
Im too tired to fight or even knlw what is best for work, they have accommodated so much and the expectations from them are that i will eventually get back to doing my full role, from the office, with the phone etc. and its going to be pushed by rachel, kay has been pushing back deadlines and things that would ultimately be impossible for me but she can only do so much and who knlws what will happen.
Im so tired of feeling so bad i want to die, im so tired of being constantly in fight or flight no matter what i do. And im so tired of looking at myself in tge mirror and seeing the toll these have taken on me, my skins getting worse and i know it’s exacerbated by stress, because thats what triggered the first really really bad outbreak back when it was on my feet.
Idk, i just needed to say this and let you know about the whole work thing. Im sorry if this sounds like whining, i really dont mean to i just really needed to say what has been going through my mind the past few years
And i still was fired.
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i havent been able to write. on thursday i had a day off.. and then yesterday [sat] i got some sort of weird vertigo bs that i used as an excuse for my day off. ironic! it continued into today, but i feel better now i think. its only when i dip down. i had a nice day otherwise. i dyed my hair, washed it, had a dismal breakfast remind me never to order that again, had a bland lunch and finished it off with an afternoon linner. now im watching a movie as i felt better i thought i would jump on here and try to think of something to write for my script. the entries are at 1k already, there's a 5500 limit. i dont think i will be anywhere close to entering which is SO disappointing. i didnt want to have to rush. iw anted to have the 3 months to relax, write every day and produce something good. now i have to recycle an old half assed idea try to finish off the end and hope that its semi-good enough to get me into the finals. which i know it can be if i work well but its hard.. i work FT... i have had a horrible weekend where i couldnt go on the laptop. super annoying. i hope tomorrow i wake up and its all good/gone.
work finishes in 2 weeks! maybe even earlier. i have 4 hours and i think 40 min of flex available so i will be using it trust! tomorrow i plan on taking an hour lunch and leaving an hour early. that's 1.25/30 hours of flex gone. then the same for the next day i n the office.. and then the week later surely we get to go early and monday ill do an hour lunch again. hell maybe friday ill do a longer lunch too. i do want to start eating better though, this has been a bit of a wake up call. i went for a stroll kind of walk on the treadmill this morning despite it all, 30 min. felt good. its something ill try to do every day that d isn't here. when im off work i want to try eat healthier just go back to a good way of livin. and also write. every damn day. hmm i might take my jil sander bag to work tomorrow... thats a good idea. genius! thank you DK - im watching as good as it gets.
im going to go to the deli and get bagels and salad rolls and just salady kind of shit i dont know maybe 3 months off work will be good for me. maybe i should just take it and be like yeah ill be back and i dont really want to work and i want to relax and enjoy my life for a bit before i get back on the horse.
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Hoping this wave of eepyness and forced art break passes soon I still intend to follow my goal of drawing my OCs more and its frustrating to be too tired and mentally spent to work on that At least this time around im still able to do household tasks (dishes, cooking, grocery shopping, etc) but as for relaxation i only have the energy to either play games on my ipad or play sploon 3 Am thinking about going to the movie theatre to see the ghibli movie but its only playing in an arthouse movie theatre in my city that ive never been to before so ill need to have a look on how to get there and when would be the best day and all that
so yeah thats what ive been up to Just being eepy and laying around on my bed and doing a few tasks a day as i tire out quickly I think its at least partially nerves for the weekly group therapy i will be starting next week on monday (never been to group therapy oh god im nervous) and waiting for an administrative thing to be settled so i can go to an art activity that will be weekly too and also will be starting to harass the building management next week to fucking get back to me for an issue i raised last year around february. Dont know how to explain it in english so i wont go in depth Im also still looking for a dog. Still no luck so far unu Would be a great motivation to go out more and also get even more structure Anyway thats my life update of today, sorry its kinda rambly, just wanted to tell you guys whats up
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vent.
my partner and i r long distance. when we were getting to know each other online neither one of us wanted to be in any relationship ever but were doing like casual non monogamy irl.
we met in person and he got real weird about me talking about ppl id been regularly hooking up with and after i got back home and we made our relatinship official we also agreed to be basically monogamous. the exception being i wanted to be able to makeout with ppl drunk just 4 funsies, and even this had a lotta strings attached bc he was uncomfortable with it, i laid out that it could only be in public spaces and thered b no handsy stuff.
i wasnt a huge fan of the idea of being monogamous but i was willing to do it 4 him. i also said at the same time that i wouldnt mind if he did want to screw around a bit but he said he doubted thatd happen. cut to a like six months later and he's out clubbing and asks if im alright for him to go home with someone. i say yes thats fine and he goes home with a couple. later i say ive changed my mind and imbalance actually does make me uncomfortable and i dont want it to happen again and he says he's been thinking that he actually would be alright with me sleeping with other people while we're long distance.
now during the last six months since ive been back home we've been calling for multiple hours almost daily, first couple of months it was daily and then when i started working more itd be whenever i wasnt working so at least four days a week and on days i was working we'd still try to get in a short call. and i knew he'd get angsty when he couldnt talk to me over the weekend or if i was busy so id try not to make plans in the evenings too often. and ive been sick for like the last month so havent been able to spend time with ppl in real life. and he's been out more and more with this couple he's befriended.
and im happy for him bc he has trouble maintaining stable friendships and is often so lonely. and i was always the one that felt overwhelmed by calling so often when id had a long day at work or whatever. but now i feel. jarringly alone. and also like the only reason im allowed to sleep around now is bc he's find someone he wants to fuck and the second that changes itll b back to monogamy.
i care for him so much i want to hold him and protect him and i want him to be able to find friendship and community but god it sucks that im just stuck here in bed or at working just waiting for when he'll be able to give me attention again. im happy he's making friends and spending time with them i really want that for him. everything he's doing is stuff i want for him.
but also im out here working 5-7 shifts a week. to help pay for his visit in august. and our future visa costs. and waiting on him. and when would i even find time to sleep around. sunday night i was lying in bed after working my least favourite shift on the week on three hours of sleep and my chest rattling from my stupid chest infection and i knew he was out with his new friends so i didnt bother him.
monday another shift but he was barely replying to my messages all day even whenni said i was worried and didnt know if he was okay and then find out the next day that ofc he slept over on sunday night and spent monday with them. weve talked about that and he said hell tell me when he has plans but even that makes me feel so desperate and needy that's not my usual vibe. im just. ugh.
anyway he's just asked if he can spend the day hanging out with them today, my freeest day to talk of the week. and im a cool girl. i said im so glad ur having such a good time. im so glad u have friends and r working out (theyre going climbing), i hope ull be back in the evening for me? yesyes probably maybe? probably i will have him back with me tonight. coolcoolcoolcool. im gonna be working the next three days str8. the weekends r so busy for me. 4 shifts in 3 days baby. ill miss u ill miss u.
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holy shit i need to get my shit together
#i wish this would last lmao#like i wish i would do something about it#i should have got a train ticket for thursday and used friday to have a meeting w someone at uchicago while im up there#see if i cant get some help with the process of transferring / find out if its even technically a transfer at this point idk how this works#hm oh well i just will have to go back up to chicago sometime#or do a zoom meeting….sorry but i havent been in one since april and if you dont count therapy then in 2 years but im so sick of zoom meetin#i did friday because my friends have school this week#my friend im staying with when i asked how long she wants me said ‘friday to monday is fine’ ‘unless you want longer’#‘i just know during school i cant do much’ and so i took that to mean please just come friday to monday because i have school#because hes from the south and wouldnt just say that#last time i visited also for a concert it was during finals week#and they were going to the concert too but anyway so i asked how long they wanted me for and she was like since its finals week im gonna be#studying and stuff so i wont really be able to entertain you and i was like yeah no problem!! ill just come up the day before and leave day#after! and he was like thank you so much for thinking about me and finals and everything i really appreciate it#but then the day i left she was like….i wish i hadnt asked you not to stay longer#tag edit i misconstrued the thank you she gave me#so ok i asked how long do you want me he said well theres finals so probably not very long which like if youre down to just watch me study#and tske a final then thats not a problem but its up to you. and then i didnt reply for a bit probably half mental illness half being like#i want to stay longer but i dont want to like distract her and intrude and stuff so then she texyed me again asking if id decided how long i#was going to stay and i was like yeah i’ll leave day after concert so i dont distract you from studying or anything and then i think he#thought my feelings wwre hurt bc he was like im sorry i wish you could stay longer but i really appreciate you giving me my space but know#that literally any other week id be fine with you staying however long you want its just this week is a lot with the concert and finals#and i was like yeah of course i understand completely!! and idk if i realized then that he might have thought she hurt my feelings but i was#like yeah i get it! anyway. whatever.
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i wrote wooden mausoleum on sunday-into-monday, so im counting it for this week. as such, we will now get 6 facts about wooden mausoleum!
1. the reason it's named "wooden mausoleum" is because i had just written that line when i realized i had been listening to my playlist on shuffle for the whole of the time i was writing it, meaning i had no idea what songs id been playing and thus could not use my normal naming method. so i just tossed a noun in and went for it
2. i sat there for a good minute like... huh how am i meant to kill ren? i want martyn to get him when his guard is down--i really want it to be when ren is going for some sort of physical affection--but how would that work? only to have the Thousands of touches that have been scored on me in fencing flash in my head all at once, and was like "ah. im a fool. have martyn take a step back and stick his point out. works every time."
fencing is the best thing that's ever happened to my idiot ass as far as fighting scenes go, i think
3. it only occurred to me later that ren probably got blood All Over martyn when martyn killed him like that. lucky for you all i didnt think of it in time, huh? or that description would have been far More. maybe ill write it for fun sometime
4. this bit, "Etho smacks Ren's back behind them, unhooking his arm from Ren with some happy send-off Martyn doesn't hear," is definitely specifically Etho telling Ren to go to Martyn, which is something Etho absolutely spent his last few minutes alive feeling quite terrible about
5. i dont know if Ren heard Martyn or not, or if Ren understood why Martyn did what he did. i dont even know if Ren lived long enough to register what Martyn did. i think, though, if he had, he'd have understood, and he'd have forgiven Martyn for it.
yknow how the players canonically hang around a while post-death as "ghosts" ?? i imagine Ren was probably tailing Martyn after his death. if he didnt understand before he died, i imagine that, after watching Martyn drag him home, he probably got it well enough
6. today i found a note on my phone for an alternative martyn betrayal fic plot line which, if i had to guess based on the timestamp, i probably wrote right before falling asleep (and promptly forgot all about). this was the note:
scar dies first, grian “scar NO” and charging for martyn. loses bc his shield is no match for the red winter axe + what does he have to move for if he isn’t able to keep scar alive? (he’s still on yellow tho, will have a life left? which is interesting) (will need to figure out how this goes to get etho and bigb alive while killing grian, bdubs, tango, impulse, scar)
very clearly didn't do anything with these ideas At All in WM, but it's pretty fun to notice much later lmao
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hi! uh—sorry if this is confusing, it’s my first time making a request. uhm—i’ve just been feeling rlly down lately and was considering self harm. so, if it’s okay with u, can i request for tsukishima/sakusa/osamu (u can choose if doing all is too much) seeing their s/o with a fear of sharp objects about to self harm but not going through with it and them comforting their s/o? u dont have to do it tho if ur not comfortable with it, i just wanted to try asking :)
Characters: Tsukishima and Sakusa
CW: self harm, sharp objects
Genre: comfort
Word count: 1, 616
Summary: You've been struggling with thoughts of self harm, which then lead you to a fear of sharp objects. Your boyfriend notices and tries his best to help you.
A/n: your request wasn't confusing at all, don’t worry. So sorry I didn't get around to writing Osamu but I hope this is alright. if you ever need someone to talk to im here, or you could request as much or as little as you want. Just remember self harm isn't the answer, alright? Remember you're loved <3
Tsukishima
Okay, so even though everyone says that Tsukishima doesn’t care or isn’t a good boyfriend to you that is a big fat lie and you know it. This boy is super observant. ESPECIALLY when it comes to you.
You’re his baby and the love of his life, and one way he shows his love to you is by paying attention to everything you do and acting accordingly. He’s usually subtle about it though. You shiver? Oh, look extra hoodie. Tense up when one of your classmates approaches the two of you? Oh no something came up with the team and you’re both required to solve it.
Slight rant aside, he notices immediately that something is wrong. It may take him a little bit to figure out what exactly but he’s looking into it immediately. By the end of the day, he’s checked with your friends if anything is bothering you, he’s found out whether or not you are behind on work or if school is stressing you out. But nothing.
Luckily for him, it was Friday, thus, he was coming over to your house after school (practice). Usually, he’d come over and do some homework then you’d watch a movie together and honestly you could use some affection right now.
When he arrived at your house you were already showered, dressed and waiting at the table to start your homework. He came in and placed a gentle kiss on your forehead and sat down across from you, he’d already changed into casual clothes after practice.
Tsukishima exalted deeply for the first time that day and let himself relax now that he was alone with you. He’d spent his entire day trying to figure out what was up since you’d been acting weird for a little while now and he was back to square one. Nobody he’d asked knew anything that might have upset you, and he’d asked a lot of people. More accurately he’d asked Yamaguchi to since he knew people found Tadashi less intimidating. However, he still hadn’t had any luck in narrowing down the issue.
You seemed to be focused on whatever work you where doing so he decided to do some of his own work and ask you about it during the movie. He pulled out his maths book and a pencil from his pocket to begin working on the algebra homework.
After around thirty minutes of working together with some lofi playing in the background and occasionally asking for help from one another, his pencil lead snapped in the middle of an equation. Slightly irritated, he went to his bag to retrieve a sharpener but couldn’t find his pencil case. Shit, he must have left it in his desk. Oh well, he won’t need it till Monday anyway.
“Hey, Shortcake,” that stupid nickname he’d gave’ you made you look over to him “do you have a pencil sharpener? My pencil case is at school.” At the mention of a sharpener, you squeaked out no far too quickly. Okay, somethings up. He’s sure of it now.
So he gently set down his pencil and placed one of his hands on yours. When you looked up and made eye contact you could see how concerned he looked. Though it isn’t just concern, there’s something soft and loving there too. It’s because of this that you just aren’t able to break the eye contact, even though you’d much rather check your house slippers for bits of dust.
“Baby,” he starts softly, “I know somethings up. You’ve been different for a few days now. And as long as you’ve been in my class you’ve never forgotten your stationary. Do you want to talk about it? Or we could do something else if you want.” By now there were tears beginning to slowly roll down your cheeks and Kei had gotten up to wrap you up in a hug. “Come one baby.” he says as he guides you over to the couch to sit down.
Once he had you settled in beside him he started to rub gentle circles on your back and waited patiently for you to calm down enough to talk to him. Once you had calmed down a little you began to explain everything. From the thoughts of self-harm to avoiding anything sharp or dangerous just in case. And he just sat there and listened. All the while gently rubbing circles and patterns into your back. He listened to every word you said and took it all in making sure to give little nods or hums of acknowledgement, enough to let you know he was listening without interrupting you.
When you’d finally finished telling you everything he simply scooped you up in his arms and hugged you as tight as he could. “Baby, Y/n. I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong and I’m so glad you didn’t do anything.” he gently kissed the top of your head and whispered, “I love you so much.”
You snuggled further into him and he turned the tv to your comfort movie, even if he didn’t love it or would much rather watch a documentary about dinosaurs.
Sakusa
Sakusa is another boy who people wrongly assume is a bad partner. I object. Although he is slightly more hesitant when it comes to physical affection in public he’s one of the best boyfriends you could ever ask for.
Generally, when the two of you hang out he has a routine to ensure there is no fear around germs and he can be as affectionate as he wants. You both take showers and change into freshly washed clothes when you arrive at either home before you spend time together.
Because of how naturally observant this boy is, and the number of showers he’s had to take at your house he has your shower products almost memorised. He knows what they are, what they do and where they go. Honestly when you’re running low on something he’s more likely to notice than you are. And of course, being the loving boyfriend he is, he’ll remind you to add it to your shopping list or even go shopping with you.
This mans love language is probably quality time or acts of service, so if there’s an opportunity to give you a hand or just spend time with you he’ll take it.
Today was just another day, well not exactly, Sakusa was coming to spend some time with you today, which honestly was not rare at all. You had both fallen into a steady routine of taking showers and changing before spending time together. He would never ask you to do it but you knew it made him more comfortable. Plus he far preferred your shower to the locker room one.
So as always he walks into your house, puts his bag on the table and walks to your bathroom to take a shower. When he’s in the shower he notices that your razor is missing from its normal spot. He thought that was a little bit odd. Mostly because he has never seen your razor missing before. Any time he noticed something was missing before it was always just running low on shampoo, or body wash or only having one bar of soap left.
It isn’t that weird so he just makes a note to himself to remind you about it later like he always does. Once he’s finished and changed into his favourite sweats and second favourite hoodie (you’re currently wrapped up in his favourite). He goes to your room and curls up beside you as you’re preparing to put on a movie.
By the time Sakusa had remembered what he needed to remind you of the movie had been playing for around 20 minutes. So he decides to just wait until after the movie to bring it up. With that decision made he just decides to focus on the movie and how you feel giving him cuddles.
After the movie was all finished and you and Omi where cleaning up, when he brought up the missing razor. “Hey baby, remember to add razors to your shopping list. Yours is missing” he mentioned as he placed your throw pillows back on your bed. He paused in the middle of fixing your pillows, that was not the reaction he expected. Something was up. When he turned around and saw you near tears he rushed over to check on you.
“Baby, talk to me whats wrong?” hes says in the most soothing voice he can muster when he reaches you. You dont respond, just crying a little harder and hugging him back. “Its,” you sniffled a little, “its nothing Omi. Ill be fine” you sniffled again trying desperately to pull yourself together.
Sakusa pulled out the handkerchief he kept for you in his pocket. And by the time you'd told him everything he was crying too holding you. "it's gonna be alright baby. I'm here, we're gonna get through this together."
You fell asleep holding together, knowing that you weren't alone. And wouldn't be as long as you have him and he isn't leaving any time soon
#haikyuu comfort#haikyuu fluff#haikyu x reader#haikyuu#sakusa x you#sakusa drabble#sakusa comfort#tsukishima x reader#tsukishima headcanons#tsukishima fluff#tsukishima kei#sakusa kiyoomi#tsukishima hcs#sakusa hcs
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awell well well i got the job thank god although i am not looking forward to it tbh haha i have to give 4 weeks notice if i want to quit, get paid a pittance and the reviews online say its a bad place to work. not really too much of a bother for me but the annoying thing will be training then not being able to have a break or lunch when i want to. kind of feel sad about my old job, i still dont believe it really - over a date! anyway i will never go back there, unless i knew i could slack the fuck off haha hopefully this will be a nice new start. hoping that i have a nice year. maybe its a transformative year for me. i hope i can get back into writing - i am already writing each day, have i started actually working on my script no why because im still outlining. at least i know i have another 2 weeks to just relax. on monday i hope to maybe walk on the treadmill or swim then relax and also write. i think i need to keeeeep on doing that even if its just for 30 minutes a day. all of this stupid shit has made me realise working for a big company is just stupid and petty. going into this new job im going to slack off as much as i can and just get by. i dont like the job, i dont want to be a leader. all i need is money. thats all im there for. i dont need to worry about stupid colleagues or making nice. i will be fake nice to everyone which is new to me i am usually normal nice haha. anwyay whos to say i wont win 20mil at lotto or something in the meantime. i think for me its the best choice for right now i have a real problem controlling my anxiety - i have been working on it but ever since this incident i noticed im very like WOAH boom booom boom and feeling. i can turn it off most of the time but its not nice to feel that. iwant to be able to be calm and relaxed at all times haha it is an overwhelming feeling i think is how i would describe it. my body goes into a state of shock or something. i over think it. i just need to remind myself its no big deal, who really cares? i mean who gives a shit about all of this. would be different if they were jobs i really liked or wanted. i think its just best for me to work from home so my body doesnt go into overdrive or my mind. at least at home i can relax somewhat and not be confronted by anyone. i wonder how that will go for the rest of my life haha anyway looking at it the way it is im happy to just plod along making some money and move out or just win lotto. my writing is very importnat to me and its important that i submit something i am 100% proud and happy with. i have 2 months left - aiyayai. would be a lot easier if i lived away from my parents but eh! i can do it. maybe ill get a job in la, a cool job a great job a high paying job in a field that i love being a cool chick have cool friends a cool house and a cool car. my life has infinite possibilities and i can do anything i want i just need to remind myself sometimes. all the time ha
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