404theepilogue - Tumblr blog

[404theepilogue]

[404theepilogue]

Someone give me a reason to live. The skies are empty and i am alone.

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I worked so hard for that job, that life, i gave up a piece of me just so i could get a glimpse of normality and its all gone and im left with nothing, i don’t know how to live after this

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It feels like im physically unable to do anything, like i cannot concentrate yet im internally yelling at myself to just get on with the work, as soon as i start forcing myself to i either zone out and then cant remember what im supposed to be doing or i will be like oh no wait i neee to get some water- oh wait remember to do this chore you forgot, oh better do thag now else ill forget. And its SO FRUSTRATING ill literally get tense and angry about it bcus im frustrated that theres more and more work piling up that my brain wont let me work on, and then it puts me in a bad mood like, ill have a short temper with everything else for the r st of the day bcus i feel like the works following me around and i shpuld just doi it but i CANT. I literally zone out mid reading a referral even tho im doing my utmost to concentrate

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I hope you know that this isnt my choice, it would never be my choice.

Do you think i want to wake up every.single.day feeling like ive been hit by a bus? Being so tired i can barely move and so mentally drained i cannot even think straight? That i WANT to be in so much pain that im bent double praying for painkillers like theres some higher entity that actually cares about us? Feeling like a failure because i cant even make myself something to eat let alone do work or study?

If you think i want that, then you clearly don’t know me at all.

This isnt some mental battle that i can “win” and “just get things done”, its a CHRONIC illness, it can and will be here for my entire life, do you know how crushing that is to hear at the age of 21? That this is permanent, you’ll be waiting for the times when you feel less ill rather than not ill at all?

To hear that people are missing “the old chloe” is emotionally crushing, because i cannot be that, im almost 22, im a different person with different problems than what i had at 17 or whenever you think i was “happy”.

I wasnt happy, i used to go home and cry everyday because i never felt enough, that i was already starting to get exhausted from having to mask just to talk to people.

I needed help, i needed someone to care about me, yet all i got was criticism and a wish for a person who doesnt exist anymore. If someone can break up a 15 year friendship over literally one bad word, then they werent truly friends at all were they.

I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, i have nothing left to give and neither the energy to receive.

I too desperately wish i could claw back some semblance of what i was even a few years ago, as i dont know how im supposed to live like this. I am too young to know how to cope yet, im trying but it seems impossible.

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Im not sure really what to do or say but i want to just verbalise it and ask for help.

Im very scared right now. My physical health has never been worse, my mental health is dangerously unstable, and my work situation is bleak.

I told you that i missed work on monday, well it’s because i had slept in (or rather, passed out from exhaustion) because of the fact while my frequent insomnia and health stuff makes it difficult to sleep, the stress has been so high recently i cannot even fully sleep, like i will be half aware the whole time like im going to be attacked. My anxiety regarding work has mounted to unmanageable levels as every day and night is spent worrying about if im going to be well enough to work and if i will have a mishap like monday.

Work has issued me a first written warning as a code of conduct breach as i missed work on Monday. This understandably is deeply upsetting and disappointing to me, Kay was extremely apologetic but unfortunately its out of her hands as HR deals with the conduct policy, shes really one of the few people i think that actively supports me at work (excluding emma of course). However if another instance of any form of lateness occurs within the next 6 months this will escalate the disciplinary warning.

I spent quite a lot of my shift yesterday in tears because it feels like im a crushing disappointment to not be able to cope with life.

Ive been reflecting a lot recently because of how ill and stressed ive felt constantly and mentally speaking i dont want this anymore i dont want to scrape through while my health degrades further, i want to get better i want to be able to regain control of my life and recover. This is a notable change as you know i usually am a cynical person and will try and look for a way out rather than a solution.

All this to say really that im not sure where to go right now in life, it feels like i am making the choice between healing or pushing on to my detriment.

Of course the problem arises that, we live in a capitalist society and constant money is required to be able to live, im just unsure of how to reach a compromise where im not literally running my life into a situation i cannot get out of. This is not some random laziness i hate that i have to say this at all, i wish i could push on and let you retire and me make the money because you deserve a break more than me, but my body just cannot comply with what im pushing it to do and its shutting down.

I know i need to focus on healing properly, not just run myself into a burnout- take 2 months off work, push through again and rinse repeat, because the last few years have shown that just doesnt work.

Im too tired to fight or even knlw what is best for work, they have accommodated so much and the expectations from them are that i will eventually get back to doing my full role, from the office, with the phone etc. and its going to be pushed by rachel, kay has been pushing back deadlines and things that would ultimately be impossible for me but she can only do so much and who knlws what will happen.

Im so tired of feeling so bad i want to die, im so tired of being constantly in fight or flight no matter what i do. And im so tired of looking at myself in tge mirror and seeing the toll these have taken on me, my skins getting worse and i know it’s exacerbated by stress, because thats what triggered the first really really bad outbreak back when it was on my feet.

Idk, i just needed to say this and let you know about the whole work thing. Im sorry if this sounds like whining, i really dont mean to i just really needed to say what has been going through my mind the past few years

And i still was fired.

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Im sorry. Youve done so much fpr me over the years and i haven’t forgotten that kindness, it was wonderful to be able to spend time with everyone. Im sorry fpr the way things are and i wish i could repay you for everything youve done.

Growing up i did not have a real home, my house was unsafe and i found security in your family, going to your house fpr dinner or games etc was genuinely a highlight of my childhood. You and auntie ruth have gone above and beyond to help me spiritually and emotionally connect with the trutg. I cannot state enough how appreciative i am of how you guys took me in when i didn’t have anyone to go to.

Im sorry that i am this way now and are astray, i wish it were different but my health has critically failed and everything just became too much, once i am better i hope i will return.

Thank you. For everything.

Im sorry for how i treated you, i was wrong. I should not have ghosted you out of nowhere, there is no excuses here, just a genuine apology, your a good kid you didn’t deserve that. I hope the future is bright for you.

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I think its over for me now. I have nothing left.

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Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

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Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

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Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

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How to be perfect no glue no borax

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Cant look back at the past, cant look into tye future. Forced to live in the reality of the moment

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The only reason im looking to go to college is purely because im all out of other options, i need some kind of thing to cling to so people dont see how useless i am and how directionless my life is.

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People say your partner is a compliment not your missing piece, then tell me why i have half of me missing, is this all i get? To be half a person forever?

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I want to rot away alone, im looking for a crutch to desperately try and regain control of my life but i yearn to decay away and let people forget about me