#i dont do it for weight loss but muscles actually

[angel-dustspo]

Reasons why I want to change my relationship with food:

I am constantly exhausted and feel dizzy and weak all the time

My body is unhealthy and undernourished

My brain cannot function properly with so little c@lories

People always ask if I'm hungry and worry about me

The guilt after eating is insane.

Hiding my ed is so difficult

I have not seen any positive changes in my body and no results whatsoever

I always over exercise and feel so miserable about it

I have lost so much of my muscle mass and just am overall so weak

I have missed out on so many ocasions to hang out and have fun

I miss food and sweets, and I miss eating without any guilt at all

St@rving cannot sustain fat loss, NEVER AND EVER

I am worth more than the number on the scale

Life is worth living, and this is NOT the way I want to live it.

I believe that life is a gift and it's about enjoying and cherishing every little moment we have. The way I have been wasting it worrying about things as looks and destroying my health is so sad and I'm so sorry that I've ever done this to myself. It has gained me NOTHING, my physical appearance did NOT change or maybe I got even fatter since my methabolism crashed, but my mental health is TEN TIMES WORSE. Losing weight should not be about who can hold on longer on 700 c@ls a day or who can hate themselves more everyday. I deserve to be happy and enjoy my one and only chance at life that I've been given, and not feel such emotions about the fuel of the body.

For everyone out there that is struggling, I know how comforting being burried deep in your ed is. I know you don't want/can't break the pattern, but please, try and find ways to do so. It took me years to understand how the body works and that it's not only about c@ls in vs c@ls out, not about this green juice or that 1000 c@l deficit. Please, stop surrounding yourself with media that makes it worse. You don't even have to change anything besides the types of media you consume. Change your mentality or let someone else change it, even if you dont even want recovery. E@ting disorders should not be romanticised, although I know how good and "right" it feels. I'll post soon a list of helpful media/youtube videos that completely changed my mentality and made me turn 180 degrees around, and they might help you too. In the meantime, please take care of yourselves and please actually enjoy your lives, you deserve it!! xoxo

[smilepaint]

i hate fatphobia i hate fatphobia i hate fatphobia!!!! "i don't hate fat people! it's about health-" ok, so it's about health? cool so i lost quite a bit of weight i didn't want or need to lose as a result of a health condition i've just had surgery to fix. i want to gain around 20 pounds because i feel uncomfortable, weakened, and unhealthy at this weight. why then, if not becayse fatphobia is a virulent HATRED of even the IDEA of fat bodies, can i not find any info on how to GAIN weight healthily???? why, when i actively search for this, am i met with page after page of private webpages and medical information sites alike volunteering metric fuck tons of weight LOSS tips, how NOT to gain weight after this proceedure, why i should actually LOSE weight instead??? because the institution of fatphobia would PREFER that i am sick, tired, cold, and SKINNY than if i gained even a single, healthy pound of fucking fat.

[dreqmvivi]

romanticising working out ⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅

working out is not a chore, it is something that will push you towards your goal, be it increasing flexibility, weight loss, or simply waking up your muscles. it does not have to be elaborate. here's how i romanticised working out, i hope it helps you too.

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

I . planning :

decide what you will do prior to your workout and set a designated time for it. there are lots of videos on youtube which you can follow along. deciding what exactly it is that you want to work on makes it easier to look for videos. if you want to incorporate stretching within your workout, make sure to time it properly so you dont miss out other things. try not to go overboard with it on day one, it will only be counter productive and demotivate you. lastly, set aside your things such as workout clothes, mat, and weights if you use them the night before so you don't waste time.

II . getting started :

getting your body moving isnt the easiest thing, especially if you are new to this. there might be certain moves which are hard for you so instead of pushing yourself to do it anyway, try to find variations of it which are a little easier for you but give you the same results. for example, i find it extremely difficult to do pushups, so instead of that i do knee pushups when i need to do that.

III . switch it up :

if you're like me and do not enjoy doing the same thing everyday, switching it up certainly keeps it interesting. in that case make a routine as to how you would like for it to go. try targetting different parts of your body on different days or try different forms of exercises. maybe do cardio one day and yoga the other, or maybe you can dedicate a day to stretching only. find out what works for you and stick to it.

IV . make it enjoyable :

make a playlist and put it on while you workout, get a cute mat and cute workout clothes, light some scented candles. anything you need to do to make it fun. working out is not a chore, see it as a hobby if anything.

V . take breaks :

taking breaks is just as important as putting in the actual work. exercising everyday without any breaks will only burn you out and in turn deter you from your goal. your body needs times to rest. set 'break days' and stick to that. but make sure not to stray from your designated break days unless it is super important. stay consistant.

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

for some inspo, my workout routine { videos linked } :

sunday : stretching + pilates

monday : stretching + pilates

tuesday : guided meditation + yoga

wednesday : break day

thursday : stretching + cardio

friday : stretching + pilates

saturday : break day

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

sending love ~ ♡

[emptinessinme-s]

Some tips i've collected through the years:

• if you crave sweets constantly and have the financial condition, invest in whey protein. Choose your favorite flavour and be sure to buy the type thats low in carbs, just protein. Whenever you want something sweet you can drink that with coffee, for exemplo (thats sometimes a whole meal for me, in the morning or evening/night)

• make your plate aesthetically looking and eat with manners (dont have to be the societal rules for eating -etiquete- just the rules you've set for your self)

• be honest with yourself:

- if you cant resist it, dont buy it. If you know you will eat the entire thing, dont buy it. Instead, plan for ir – sharing with friends/familly, having a day where that fits your calories, eating that food in public

- doing something else while eating can be a trap. being distracted during the meals is something that i have to ajust everytime, cause sometimes it leads me to overating and other times it helps me make my meal last longer. For me, it will vary accordingly to my anxiety, so i always check it before stting down to eat.

• prepare your food beforehand. There are times you just go for the easy, for whats closer, more in hand, so make sure you'll choose the "good" foods by preparing them before. Ex: whash your vegetables, cut the fruit, cook the meat (chicken breast is great with lots of things)...

• dilute your drinks! Milk, for exemple, it will last longer and be less caloric.

• dont ever leave it to the "next time". Oh, tomorrow i will eat less so i can eat this now, i will skip dinner so its ok if i eat this big plate. Seriouslly, for this thing to work out you gotta make a lifestyle out of it. "Sometimes" will get you nowhere.

• paint your nails, do your make up, take care of your skin, dress nicely (daydream of it, even). Get in character, play the game.

• alcohool 🙏 cigarrets 🙏 tea 🙏 coffe 🙏 gum

• nutricion maxxing! Put greans in everything you can (leafs are low in calories and high in nutrients), eat quality carbs and some fats; season your food!!!

And also eat some salt i swear you will not retain a significant amount of water if you put a normal amount of salt in your food.

--> Fun scientific fact: the marine salt you buy at the market is obliged to be enriched with iodine, wich is essencial for the functioning of you thyroid, wich is responsible for your metabolism!! So a healthy tyroid means a good metabolism wich means easier weight loss.

• save money on food and buy clothes that you like and actually fit you right!! If you feel good about yourself it will be much easier to continue this journey. Especially if you seek confort in food, always treating yourself with something nice (little things – a new nail polish, hair accessory, cheap jewelry..) will help you to not use food as a escape.

• do some exercise, obviously. When you feel your stomach empty, suck in your tummy. It will look so good.. and then when youre eating, never eat to a point where you can no longer suck it in and feel your muscles working.

• brush yout teeth frequently, feelinf the taste of tooth paste will diminish your will to eat (?? works for me)

• baking soda + lemon for reflux and heartburn

• When possible, never eat past 7pm (if necessary for a social event, skip breakfast the next day)

- vacations are a social period. Dont eat alone, wake up late and dont eat breaksfast. You know you"ll be around people in the evening and there will be food and drinks.

• it will be hard. It will be hell. It will hurt. But it will also be worth it.

•

•

•

•••

Anyway just writing it down so i can revisite anytime. They're for personal use but feel free to follow these if any of them tips makes sense to you.

[rianafying]

i’ve turned my life completely upside down in the last week and a half. actually it is now the correct side up. if i thought things were fine before, they’re a gajillion times better now. i cannot stress the importance of what i’m about to say: i started taking care of my physical health. i can hardly believe the words as i type them out. not weight loss, or an aesthetic glow up, like my actual health, my insides, my bones, my muscles, my organs, the machine that actually keeps me running. had to spend a buttload of money at the gp and pathology and chemist tho. but it’s a necessary expenditure. i will come clean about one thing though, that that reason behind all of this, the catalyst, the final push wasn’t just my rock bottom, i actually, how do i say this, i’m not one to struggle with words, at least not when discussing my feelings. i have started to have feelings for someone. and this is entirely one sided, not that that’s a problem with me, in fact, it’s kind of a preference. i dont know a love more pure than the unrequited kind. that is not to say that i didn’t break down and cry about it more than a few times. anyway, so i’m taking all my potions and applying all my concoctions, and my health was so bad, that i’m already seeing huge improvements, after just one week of care. i’m inspired to be better. i’m inspired to have the life, happiness and health i wish for the ones i love.

i’m so hopeful that even jinxing doesn’t scare me. bring it on you evil planets. i picked myself up from rock bottom. i have intentionally found the good in the most horrible things. i am deserving of the happiness that comes my way.

i did overeat a little today and last night, a little bit stress eating, and a little bit extra hungry. and so i will go on a walk today inshaallah.

i’ve had a bit of creative energy lately, and i’m putting it to good use. sketching out a fashion collection, and i’m really liking the ideas and how they’re coming together so far. someday things are going to fall into the place i’m pushing them into. and i am most hopeful.

today was supposed to be my first day back in uni, but i am sick and coughing every 10 seconds, so i emailed the lecturer letting her know ill be joining the online repeat class this evening, instead of the on campus class this afternoon. missed out free gelato at uni today, they had some amazing flavours, but i’m sick anyway. so i couldn’t have had it.

someone’s gonna love me someday, when i am not so difficult to love. when i am ready to accept it. that someone might be me. a person i met recently told me to date myself, with intention and mindfulness. and that rlly stuck, because yes. also i’m happy that therapy has started again. since two days ago.

i’m drinking tea. i bought a pot to dedicate solely to tea making. and it’s been such a good little treat. i’m putting condensed milk in it, because i am not afraid of sugar. i’m going to build and rebuild my life. and things are going to be just fine. i’m going to be just fine.

[tdusk]

not sure of my current weight and kind of freaking out bc ive pigged out the past few weeks :( all my progress disappearing…

but its ok bc lots of experimenting has led me to the following conclusions:

simple calorie deficit is too hard for me bc then i binge

the foods u eat when focused on weight? DO matter. sugars dont fill u or fuel u. fiber, protein, etc.? so much fucking better.

DRINKING WATER IS INCREDIBLE, so filling

i dont know how to purge

exercise is EFFECTIVE since it makes me want to eat healthier (and suddenly, a bowl of egg whites sounds so so fucking good…)

fasting is easier than CICO

eating w others is actually harder for me than eating alone… but does not matter. will not eat alone, will eat w others (cant have them worried)

On that note, I’m implementing a new plan to lose weight by the time I come back home after exams (week of Dec. 17!) and finish off the rest of my weight loss by my return to college (January 10th — 48 days away!).

Here’s the deal. I’m estimating i’m at most 131 lbs right now. More likely than not, closer to 129, so let’s say 129. I want to lose 14 lbs. of fat and preserve the muscle that I have.

With that in mind, behaviors I need to work on:

drinking lots of water

high protein, lean meat foods (egg whites, chicken, whitefish) w/ occasional carbs when not fasting/after workouts

breaking fast w the RIGHT foods too!!

black coffee + lots of tea too

WEIGHT LIFTING and some cardio

Now, for some math…

14 lbs * 3500 kcal/lb = 49000 kcal (terrifying)

BMR: 1400 kcal

NEAT/Exercises: roughly 700 kcal

Planned TDEE: 2100 kcal

49000/2100 ≈ 24 days of fasting

So, if I can fit in 24 days of fasting (NOT consecutive… alternating!! 48ish days til goal day), and dont binge on other days, i could actually do something totally crazy and lose all this fat thats driving me nuts.

Cannot start my fast tomorrow or today since today at Thanksgiving, i had lunch w family, and tomorrow is my bday dinner. however, last thing i ate was at 3:30 today, and i plan on not eating until dinner tomorrow!

water fasting is soooooo much easier to me tbh. once im hungry, it eventually dulls and i forget abt food. just restricting all i can think abt is food, but the water fasting makes food almost seem like objects — inedible, not meant to be in my mouth. its PERFECT. so water fasting every other day should be optimal for my success!!

wish me luck 🫶🫶🫶

[kindaspooky-gemini]

TRIGGER WARNING

Eating disorder recovery

THE THINGS THEY DONT TELL YOU.

- EXTREMELY LOW POTASSIUM CAN BE A RESULT OF CONSTANT VOMITING/PURGING - this causes muscle contortions resulting in loss of hand function, feet function and in some cases like mine, loss of function of your mouth/jaw/face - this lasts for HOURS AT A TIME.

- if you a female suffering with ED you most likely ( NOT ALWAYS, AND SOME MEN TOO BUT MORE COMMONLY IN NEURODIVERGENT MISDIAGNOSED FEMALES) have a dual diagnosis and the ED is a symptom of one of your disorders that isn’t getting the right attention.

- When you finally digested your first small meal in 2 and a half years and instead of feeling proud you gotta spend 24 hours awake crippled in pain in the bathroom because your digestive system has no idea how to start working again.

- How it feels ten times worse purging a meal that you have actually half digested and have tried so hard to keep down that as soon as you smell any other food you are reduced to gagging and can’t be taken normal places

- Crying over bloating and covering all the mirrors in the house and hating yourself because YOU DONT WANT TO DIE FROM THIS DISEASE but watching yourself double in size Infront of your eyes is so triggering you cant be left on your own otherwise you’ll purge to the point where you can’t move

- self harming whenever you make any progress because progress means gaining weight and that means you deserve to be punished

-being reduced to tears every time you use the toilet because you have made yourself bleed because your body hasn’t functioned the way it’s supposed to for so long, it’s gotten used to not having normal bodily functions

- the feeling of self loathing that comes with watching the person you love/people who support you deal with your bodily fluids due to needed physical assistance and having to not internalise that so you don’t hate yourself even more

- hearing the heartache in your mums voice when she cries and begs you to get better

- the horrendous taste you get in your mouth when your body starts breaking down food for the first time in 2 and a half years

- MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT.

- the lack of sleep just from how fucking boney you are and even when you do get comfortable you get pressure sores from your bones sticking out in places like hips, shoulders, knees etc

- feeling like giving up because you can’t remember what being healthy even is anymore but your so scared of dying that you have to agree to anything that might possibly make you better

PLEASE SEEK HELP IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE SHOWS THE EARLY SIGNS OF DISORDERED EATING OR AN EATING DISORDER - this could include restrictions, calorie counting, replaces meals with exercise, laxatives, recreational drugs etc.

Being skinny is not worth dying over, I realise this now ❤️

Recovery is hard ❤️ But I don’t want to die from this ❤️

[winglssdemon]

Omg

Weight loss does not automatically mean your body is eating your muscles and organs. The antivaxxer level of anti science on this site when it comes to weight loss is unbelievable.

Your body will only start "eating" your muscles if you're losing weight AND YOU DONT NEED TO AND ARE HEADED TO BEING UNDERWEIGHT.

WEIGHT LOSS CAN BE SUSTAINABLE. WEIGHT LOSS IS A VIABLE AND SOMETIMES A NEEDED OPTION FOR SOME PEOPLE.

HUGE REMINDER THAT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WEIGHT LOSS CAN HELP DISABLED FOLK ESP FOLK WITH CHRONIC PAIN. It's not a cure-all but people with chronic pain experience large amounts of inflammation in the body and having excess adipose CAN cause inflammation just by itself. Compound that with extra weight on joints can make movement that may already be difficult even more difficult.

And while I'm on this rant, I'm SO sick of people acting like overeating and binging aren't disordered eating and also forms of self harm. I'm sick of the "body positive" activists who get SO mad that some fat people HAVE become fat through overeating and binging and want to talk about it. Like why can't those of us who gained weight through disordered behaviors actually talk about it? Why don't you talk about or let others talk about the fact that some people go from a restrictive eating disorder to a binge eating disorder.

Reasons Why I a Disabled Person decided to lose weight:

1. I knew I was eating too much junk food and not eating enough fruits and vegetables. So I started working on moderating how much junk food I was intaking and I have been trying really hard to make sure I choose healthier options.

2. My chest was/is too big. It was beginning to cause actual dysphoria issues along with the excess weight giving me constant shoulder and neck pain. Weight loss cannot be targeted at any specific part of your body, but overall weight loss can help you lose cup sizes.

3. The food was making my chronic pain worse. Many ultra processed foods are known to increase pain in people with chronic pain and it's been proven in multiple studies that eating a healthier diet can help decrease pain. It won't get rid of it, but it can help.

4. I was using food as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Stress eating is not actually helpful in the long run. Sure it makes you feel better while you're eating it, but once it's gone the problems, the pain, the stress is all still there.

5. I want to be able to use my crutches and KAFOs more often and having already lost a fair amount of weight, I can definitely 100% say that I have less difficulty using them than when I was at my heaviest. It's easier for myself to push myself in my wheelchair, and it's easier to propel myself in sled hockey. Among this, getting a bigger chair was just out of the question when I last ordered my most recent chair. The world is already so hostile to wheelchair users and spaces are already so narrow, it's easier to have a smaller chair if possible. Like we can talk all we want about how things need to be more accessible and universal design needs to be implemented everywhere so people in all sizes of wheelchairs esp those in power chairs, can get around easily without this being something to worry about, but at the end of the day, I want to be able to get through as best I can, and making sure I'm not going any bigger with my wheelchair is legit just something I have to do.

And you know what, even with all of these reasons, there's still the fact that people deserve bodily autonomy so if I want to safely lose weight for ANY reason, then that's my choice.

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[liquidtrauma]

calorie deficit 'equation' (since the *photo* is still going around 8+ years later lol) ** i'm only posting this because if you're going to do it anyways, do it where you won't absolutely hate yourself for not reaching inaccurate numbers or mess with you health as badly.

a more-accurate way to calculate your calorie deficit is to use your personal information. i figure that it's obvious, but i also know people see posts thinking it'll work for them when it'll actually cause much more damage than weight loss.

calculate your BMR (basal metabolic rate). i would recommend using a calculator instead of an equation as it does vary on a lot of factors! (personal choice: https://www.calculator.net/bmr-calculator.html)

take your BMR and multiply it by 7 days (to get the weekly amount). this will be the weekly amount you will need to MAINTAIN your current weight.

decide how much you would like to lose. 1lb of fat is roughly 3500 calories (i say roughly because depending on the level if fat and muscle you have, the information will differ! reminder that muscle tends to go BEFORE fat when malnourished). subtract the total deficit.

put it all together...

EXAMPLE: your BMR is 1500kcals per day (10500kcal weekly) and you would like to lose 2lbs every week (roughly 7000 calorie deficit). you subtract the weekly deficit (7000kcals) from your weekly BMR (10500kcals) and you are left with a weekly "allowance" of about 3500kcals (or 500kcals daily).

**deficit-ing more than 2.5lbs/week can cause issues mentally and physically, it also can fuck with weight loss.. so even if you dont care about your health, after 2.5lbs in calorie deficit, it's easier to stunt weight loss.**

[ren-fang]

okay so what people don't understand is that exercise is going to inherently make you gain weight. when your body is used more, it adapts to the way you use it. if your muscles are being used your body reinforces your musculature and adds mass. to a certain extent you might see 'weight loss' occur when you exercise because yes, your body does use stored resources when you're doing things that use those resources. but do you really think using your body more often and becoming an athletic human being means you're going to have programmer arms?

when you 'lose weight' from exercise, you also gain weight from the fact that your body is building muscle. and the more weight you 'lose,' the more muscular you tend to get. on god people dont understand that having more fat makes you generally more athletic because you both have to exert more effort in day-to-day movements and you have more resources to build muscle. you cannot build muscle without fat, and chances are if you're fat you have a higher capacity for generalized strength training than skinny people.

i've practiced martial arts my whole life and i have the faintest amount of chub. somehow im stronger than the average person despite my physique. but on god i cannot hold a candle to my roomate who does not exercise at all because he works food service and has more body mass than me; its not like hes going to be sprinting but thats not what his musculature is for. he is probably like twice as strong as me even though hes shorter and has never done any strength training. his thighs are pure muscle.

if you dont have a physically demanding job this might not happen but thats not really the issue. people dont actually care about how active or healthy fat people are, they just hate the idea of not being skinny. eat some goddamn grains. eat three meals a day even if one of them is more or less a snack. eat every desert you want to eat, pay attention to your bodys cravings and buy food your body says it wants even if you dont understand why. who cares. be happy. if your body's baseline is to become more fat or have a little bit of chub that's your body doing its job. its intentional. it means you're doing well for yourself.

Me: Exercise does not cause weight loss. This is a fact that has been demonstrated so robustly in research that even doctors, who hate and fear evidence, are grudgingly starting to admit this.

Someone reading that post: Cool, but have you considered that exercise leads to weight loss?

Me: I am going to eat you

[nathank77]

8/20/24

8:59 a.m

My insomnia was a bitch last night. I had to double up for the first time in 2 days. I'm willing to tonight after putting in much effort but the following day I'm SOL I won't raise my tolerance. It'll come down to weed tomorrow worse case.

I fell asleep by 1 a.m... it's really getting to me.

Let's go over my potential subclinical hyperthyroidism symptoms:

1) Insomnia....

I dont think there are others...

-muscles twitching: seems directly related to metopolol and have seemed to slow down and almost stop since stopping the meds.

-pooping: has went back to 2-3× a day. The 5 times that one day was directly linked to having over 39 grams of fiber in one day.

- Sweating/Heat intolerance: Not suffering from those.

-Heart Rate: Seems to be within normal range.

- Frequent Urination: I mean I drink a lot of fluids. It can easily be the explanation. Before bed I drink a cup of tea with my cigarettes.

-weight loss: my caloric in-take is low. I would be losing weight like a mother fucker if I was hyper.

-Anxiety: well I mean insomnia triggers me so much it's always extreme.. and okay so my thyroid nodules gave me anxiety randomly last night. Maybe we can say my anxiety is worse..... but idk it could also be that I care about myself and my sister had thyroid cancer and I didn't want to process that my thyroid grew another nodule despite it being smaller. And of course, my thyroid is of major interest to me atm bc of being sub clinically hyper..

- Appetite: I've had a slight increase in appetite but it seems normal. Every 4-6 hours. When I was hyper I was hungry every 2 hours... now I just feel hungry when I think a normal human body should.

Okay moving forward from that:

- is xanax losing its effectiveness? I don't think so but it crosses my mind.. yet some nights it works fine.

- or is my anxiety bad right now and it's keeping me from falling asleep quickly..

- is it the game I play before bedtime. It's fun it's call ice age adventure. Elise if you're here idk if your kids are too old to enjoy it but I think it's super fun and cute and they may love it. Nonetheless it's bright. And I play right before solitaire. It could be effecting it.

circadian rhythm: is it being effected by multiple nights of falling asleep later due to insomnia despite all the efforts I make to keep it so I can fall asleep by 11:30 p.m..

- then I think a wild thought what if my body is like if we don't sleep he will give us more? I mean it seems stupid cause it knows damn well that sure 2 days in a row I will but day 3 you're fucked. I'll make you pull an all nighter. I'm keeping my circadian rhythm I'll throw myself in the attic at 2 a.m if you won't sleep.

Gaming isn't a factor I haven't been gaming all my youtube videos are a week or 2 old being posted on a schedule.

Yesterday I had one red bull at 8 a.m. I had my v8 energy drinks too but stopped them at 2 p.m....

I mean I have had more tv time. But I mean of course I have. I'm running through my list of things to do and 90% of it at this rate costs me money I don't have so I can only do so much.

- bo4 hardcore barebones starts today. I have therapy and a physical. And I'm doing laundry so I can't really enjoy it today but starting tomorrow I'm going to be all in, I set up my week so I can enjoy it for as many days as possible. Although I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

- I am worried about money. Idk.

I suppose if I struggle tonight and tomorrow I'm going to do Methimazole everyday bc at that point I can't find another cause but it seems weird that it could be related to subclinical hyperthyroidism when I slept when I was hyper.

I don't think xanax is losing its effectiveness

I actually think my circadian rhythm has been thrown off too many nights in a row and maybe my tv is still a little too loud. If I turn it down anymore- the voice is going to be all i hear....

Maybe I can try being scared on YouTube on my tv with a sleep timer. His voice is low. And now my mental pictures are all sorts of normal and weird and I have control of them.

But yea I'm feeling hopeless. I'd rather follow my Dr original advice...but at some point as I take out the potential other causes it might be the only factor.

I think trying a lower TV show might be helpful. American dad has a lot of singing and screaming. It could be disrupting my ability to fall asleep or stay asleep. Technically I could be falling asleep quickly and waking up minutes later bc of a loud sound....

Or maybe it's just my circadian rhythm being thrown off. IDFK but I'm weighting every potential cause.

[sesmantelar]

really thinking about the next stages of my life. I need to keep in mind that with whateer decision I make, that is not permanent nor is it the rest of my life and I can change things at any point. A part of me is very comfortable here in north carolina, and I really do want to keep it as one of my bases. the problem is, I don't have enough nor will I have enough money in time to deposit on a condo here. maybe if I can figure out my financial situation quick, I will be able to establish an actual solid base however, I need to get serious asap if I want that to happen.

I also need to remember that I can have my dollhouse and life anywhere - it's me that brings that energy and aura, not necessarily the location.

I want to get a new car. I think this is the year to do it as well because if I buy a new car like as my christmas gift to myself, I can work hard to pay it off in full prior to moving to europe, and then just have her shipped to whichever country I'm going to graduate school in.

I have an interview for another PRN job because I'm going to need my options lined up - and I want to be able to do overtime way closer to home (easier on me and my sanity, especially since it will be night shift work). I think the goal I will keep in my head is that if I can power through my online degree in the next few months as well as utilizing my overtime pay to compltely remove me from debt and get my savings up to where they need to be, I will buy the 2023 Mercedes GLA SUV for my christmas present to myself. it would be perfect! returning from my malaysia/japan trip and treating myself to my dream car! it will be such a proud moment for me because I never would have thought I would see the day. but before any of that, I need to check off the main requirements for purchasing her: get my credit score back to excellent, other than student loans take all my debt down to zero FAST, have savings up to 20k, be almost complete with my degree by january 2024, get an excellent score on the GRE, have an art business up and running, and submit art weekly to galleries as well as have neo and nova up finally, and be working towards your gold moves in the field by december. if all is achieved, trust and believe my beautiful (hopefully the rose gold!) mercedes will be under my tree this christmas. this is another thing im keeping to myself - love how I dont want to post my accomplishments anymore - I genuinely believe that the evil eye is real and I want no parts in negativity in my life.

outside of that, Ive been really inconsistent with my eating so starting today, Im doing OMAD and relying on low carb tea to last during the day, and the goal is to have a veggie/protein dinner once a day for nutrition and so I can start rebuilding my skating muscles/ stretngth. I have been a bit better about hydration, and I hope to make it habit that I will stick to again. the only thing I'm missing in this final equation for weight loss is exercise. if I start denying snacks again, finishing my fasts all the way through, drinking my iced lemon water (preferably up to a gallon), eating enough protein and doing the pilates videos I wanted to do, I know my body will come together in literally two weeks. I'm scheduled to leave work at 3 today but I'm planning on staying until 7 unless I really really want to go home at the end of the day. regardless, I have to use the time to stretch deeply, get my mobility back on track, ankles strengthened, muscles warmed up and ready for tomorrow. I'm likely going to get home, golden, do a pilates workout and stretch/do a mobility routine, do my evening self care, tune and practice the harp for tomorrow, and do the finishing touches on both drawings - submitting them to the gallery today, put all my clothes away, clean the entire apartment and do a quick mop.

at work today, I'm going to be studying for the GRE, reading a little bit of my book, researching more Swiss universities, and watching the business videos/working on my business stuff, rescheduling stuff that is happening tomorrow, and I want to start working on my colombia travel video. when I get home, I want it to be ice prep time, art time and harp time - as well as re setting my space. depending on how I feel, I may stop by the mall after work to pick up a new wall scent or candle because this mahogany taekwood wall scent does not smell appropriate for the dollhouse.

[tinylittlebab]

93.8!! :D tbh im gonna forget all about yesterdays failure bc this is great! i love losing weight so much. it feels so good.

ugh. last time i did this by the time i actually had a scale id fucked up my bodies metabolism and also burned myself out from restricting as easily. didnt get to see the numbers budge like at all.

this is great. i have under 10 pounds to lose now. i dont remember how quickly ur supposed to lose weight but as far as i know, with normal weight loss 10 pounds doesnt even take that long and with starving urself it takes fairly short time. i need to figure out maintaining my current muscle. i dont think my body ever really recovered from losing so much of it before.

only one part of my body has actual muscle bc i use it so much and its my calves. and i dont lose that muscle when restricting bc i actively use them while i restrict. ill have to do some other exercises aswell i guess. igh this is gonna be annoying to do.

[rudesheep]

guys fr how can i stop caring so much about my fathers opinion & prevent it from affecting my life

[queeranarchist]

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