#i don't wanna confront myself rn

[an-absolute-nightmare]

.

[tendercoretroglodyke]

weeks ago my roommate confronted me about "this tension" between us that I had truly no idea about until they kinda snapped at me earlier that night, and they told me that an offhand comment I'd made the week before (as well as a few other things I'd said/done from months or years prior) had pissed them off so much and the whole time I had no idea bc i have rsd and have had to learn to compensate by just assuming any kind of standoffishness is bc they're busy or tired or not feeling well. and presumably our talk that night "cleared the air" but now I'm constantly worried they're pissed at me and I don't know it.

like I am genuinely so uncomfortable in my own home now... we made plans to have a follow up talk (at my request) later this week and I want the main gist of the convo to be that I want them to feel loved and appreciated and I want better communication between us but I'm debating whether to bring up the fact I'm so uncomfortable coming home these days that im considering moving out and getting my own apt when our lease is up (several months from now). but i don't want to make myself the center of attention and i don't wanna ambush them with that, esp with their financial issues rn. so i probably won't bring up that possibility rn. but god some nights... like i am genuinely looking up hotel rates just so I can get away for a weekend and not have to be hypervigilant of how much space I'm giving them or what I'm saying around them or whether they're secretly pissed at me or they just have a lot going on.

I've been trying to hide in my room as much as possible without looking like I'm sulking but it's slowly driving me crazy. there was a week leading up to christmas where I was living at the apartment alone which normally to me would mean I was all sad and lonely but um that week turned out to be the best week I'd had all month. and this was the week leading up to my first christmas without my mom. but it felt so good to not be constantly unsure about where i stand with the people in my house (like, both my roommate and their partner, who basically lives here too).

I hate that even for a week I was "the enemy" to the two of them and I didn't know it. I had texted them during that week I didn't know my roommate was pissed at me (i was traveling for Thanksgiving) and saying I missed them and wanted to do a group call that night, and their partner texted in the gc saying roomie was too tired that night and suggested the next night, and i texted again the next night and they were like sorry too tired again. and they p much barely responded to anything I texted that week. and it was bad enough when I thought they were just too busy for me but to know now they were so pissed at me at me they couldn't even speak to me is so upsetting!!

(I guess I've talked about it long enough I should mention what the offhand comment was that pissed them off cos if I dont you'll all think I said something horrendous lmao. basically my roommate slightly exploded something in the microwave and said they'd clean it up that night, the next morning I realized it hadn't been cleaned yet so I texted them a reminder to clean it once I'd left for work. apparently they took it as passive aggressive comment and thought I "thought of them as my maid" esp considering the microwave needed cleaning even before that (i hadn't particularly noticed) and they were ready to text me something really pissed off before their partner stopped them and said they should cool off first. I, on the other hand, fully just meant it as a friendly reminder, coming from the perspective of someone with adhd who frequently forgets to do things I told people I would do, and who appreciates a reminder to do them. If I had KNOWN how the comment was recieved I could have cleared the air rather than let it fester into what I now feel like is a huge cloud of resentment towards me I don't even know how to combat. I also can't even tell what's my rsd anxiety about how they feel about me rn vs what's legitimate anger)

[iheartmoons]

heyooo so this is a lot and you don’t have to answer all of them!!

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

7: What’s your strangest talent?

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

23: How do you vent your anger?

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

82: What is your favourite word?

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

omg hey this is from a long time ago

2: ummmm YOU !! apart from you, i have absolutely no idea? i'm actually really content with what i have rn and wouldn't want to meet any celebrity. but yes. literally you. i also would wanna meet some other mutuals!! (but like 96% i wanna meet u)

7: i don't have any strange talents :( the funny thing is i have literally zero tricks. even the SIMPLIST things. like i can't cross my eyes, roll my tongue, click my fingers, any of that. in fact, my quirk is the fact that i HAVE no quirks. can't do anything 🤪 although i can hula hoop really well? like switch the hoops through different limbs? does that count as strange?

15: OHHHH behind the camera. ofc. i would die to be a director at some point in my life (never gonna happen). also i just always take pics of other people/things

23: MY DIARY OFC !!! its good for the soul. i have 8 diaries as of so far, and they're working. (also i send you voice messages x)

26: hmmmm yes! i definitely think there are some things about myself that i wish were different, because i'm a very flawed person personality-wise. but i am happy. i can do cool things like write books and crochet and make art. so that's good enough i think

28: would it be crazy if i said i have no "what ifs?" like idk??? maybeee uh what if i hadn't rejected that one person/confronted that one person (you know who). but the thing is i know what wld happen. we'd fall apart and end up hating each other OR i'd just awkwardly break up with them cause i lost interest.

70: ummmmmm i have no idea. i think personality-wise no. cause i'm just very blunt and not very patient and can sound condescending, which i think makes my friends dislike me sometimes. i'm simultaneously a very sensitive person, so i dont think i could handle being friends with myself. BUT i would love to have someone who's like me in other aspects. e.g. i would love a friend who also crochets + reads my type of books + listens to the same music as me etc.

74: oohhhhh 'about you' by the 1975

82: OMG I HAVE A FAVOURITE WORD it's solstice.

84: i have no idea tbh...

99: OH MY GOD. that hits hard wtf. um i have no idea, but i'll get back to u on that

sorry if some of this doesn't make sense i am sleep deprived x

[seiwas]

hello!! i just devoured col and i adore the way you write gojo in it 🥺 i was wondering if you had any specific song you’re particularly fond of that inspired (or just makes you think) of that series??

augustine!!! 🥹🥺 omg that is such a compliment coming from you!!! i am so giddy rn!!! ❣️ thank you so much for taking the time to read it and for leaving such lovely things about it in your tags 😭

i am also so so happy that you asked this question!! bc i have a whole playlist!! 🫣

i'll put it under the cut bc i put some links n lyrics + explanations ! i'm sorry in advance augustine 😭😭 playlist making is part of my writing ritual 😭😭

for 'do you believe in love?':

ozone - chase atlantic "i wish i was more of a man oh, no, you don't understand i neglected you again"

the meaning of the entire song doesn't exactly fit but those lines kind of capture gojo's stance on love when he tells reader 'not for me'! i think he's really aware that it's just not something he can give at that point in time even if he wants to 🥹

.

for 'tell me about love (show me how)':

turn to you - the careful ones "'cause i will always love you and i will always want to give you a reason in me to hold on to"

this song is my ultimate comfort song ☹️ i see this as coming from reader's perspective more than gojo's! it speaks a lot to the enduring love reader has for him, especially since they've known each other for so long and the feelings have always been there, growing.

in a lot of ways, i tried to make reader embody all the good, all the hope, all the kindness and purity that gojo doesn't think he can have (idk if that makes sense) but deep down really believes in. and it's important that reader embodies these things because it balances gojo out and grounds him in a way.

have you ever been in love? - the ivy "i never wanna do this alone have you ever been in love? 'cause i don't think i have, i don't think i have."

this one inspires the confrontation scene (when gojo says 'show me how') & the second half of tmal! represents when gojo makes baby steps towards all this love stuff and when he realises that he really doesn't know anything about it 😭 (and is kinda scared bc of that).

devotion - emotional oranges "and i'm ok with i'll be patient just take as much time as you need no more pain from my past to hold on to me & you we're so connected, you affect me"

this one splits into reader's perspective (first chunk of the lyrics) and gojo's (second chunk), and is pretty self-explanatory! throughout the entire tmal, reader's really given him all the space and time he needs and as a product of that i think it does something to gojo that helps him warm up to everything much faster, more organically (because there's no pressure or anyth!).

.

for conversations on love #3 (coming soon, title tba!):

yours - maye "and maybe i'll surrender 'cause loving you is better it's not worth it to fight it i'm giving up"

lots of lovey stuff!! the entire song really reminds me of them honestly, especially for a stage in their relationship when gojo's accepted all the feelings fully and grows into all of it in his own way!!

sanctuary - joji

this one's mostly here to convey feelings of ~safety and ~peace that make up a very big chunk of col gojo and reader's relationship! if anything, it's probably the foundation of why they work 😭

bloom - the paper kites "oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness and you fill my head with you"

this song is my ultimate falling in love song AAAH and i love the allusion to sweetness too (bc i love playing around with the fact that gojo has a sweet tooth!). this song is very much gojo in love!!

sugar - alayna "woke up in paradise found myself in your eyes baby i think we made it, we made it we were loving in lowercase but now we're seeing better days you're the sugar that my body craves (mm, mm) you're the reason i don't go insane i'm realizing more everyday i really need you and that's okay (mm, mm)"

another one that shows gojo very much in love!! (and alludes to sweetness again!!) except this is a lot deeper 😳 and more intense 😳 gojo getting really serious in his feelings!! the lyrics here inspire some scenes in col #3 so the song might make more sense when the fic comes out hehe.

tú - maye

more for the ~very loved up kinda whipped~ vibe hehe the song is in spanish and i searched the eng translation and think it conveys the same thing too! but the sound itself is really sweet and captures what i think it would feel like in that stage of their relationship! even tho i've written col gojo as primarily shy and hesitant when it comes to love, i do think that when he warms up there's no stopping him 😭

slumber - lewis watson, lucy rose "only you who can calm the thunders only you who can steal the colors oh"

this one inspires one of the scenes in col #3! that's all i can say 😳🫣🫢

i feel like the songs for col #3 already give hints on what the fic's gonna be like dwjebgd

@exatse also so sweetly sent me 'i just couldn't save you tonight' - ardhito pramono, aurélie and said that it reminded them of tell me about love 🥺 and the lyrics really do remind me of col gojo so much!!

but yes, thank you so much for asking this question augustine omg i really love talking abt things like this!! it's still so surreal that you enjoyed reading col and that you're asking me this now asfsaf i'm so sorry it's long hfbhd i blabbered so much 😭😭😭😭

[narisinshambles]

I made myself sob with a fic idea.

So like, it's been about two three months since Buck and Eddie have been dating Natalielele and Marisol, they've gotten very distant tho (shocker, my whole 911twt is in buddie divorce era 2.0 rn). Eddie doesn't understand why Buck has been so distant, always busy, never has time to hang out or even ask for Christopher(yea I went there). So Christopher's birthday comes and he expects that Buck will at least acknowledge it or would wanna talk to Chris yk, don't be a bitch, baby buck and all that shizzle- however Buck completely disregards what day it is and that upsets Eddie. Hen notices, in fact she's noticed them falling apart for awhile and after a short convo with Eddie and finding out what tf is going on, she goes to Buck. In fact, she's the one who asks Buck "you know what day today is?", which sets a whole new wave of emotions after bucks initial poker face has fallen. Yadda yadda, turns out Buck has slipped up and told Nataliliei about the will and she's once again freaked out, giving him an ultimatum to either confront Eddie about changing the will or she will not stay in the relationship. That's how we find out Buck has been deliberately avoiding Eddie, because he does not want anything to change, as he would do anything for Christopher. Queue a little dramatic moment where as he's telling Hen about this, Eddie has coincidentally come back to get his bag or smth, and he's heard everything. Last thing he says before Buck finds out he's heard everything, is "You don't need to worry about the will any longer, Evan". And Buck starts running after him to try and FIX shit, thanks baby buck. YADDA YADDA

Go write it if you feel like it's worth a shot, you talented pickles, you🥒✨

[comfidiamon]

there's a weird feeling of sadness in me recently. i don't feel like i can truly be happy rn and every time i think i am there's always a little detail bothering me. i think there's a bigger problem lying within me atm :/

i feel awful in my own body. i still miss a certain someone i lost. i have a fucked up relationship with my parents. every minute i spend in my room at my parents' place i am miserable.

the last three times now when i went drinking i got rly depressed all of the sudden. i really feel the desire to isolate myself from everyone i know. i wish i could just start over... or at least not be me. being me sucks so fucking much. it's been a while since the last time i felt the desire to stop existing.

i can't open up to anyone. i can't talk about my problems. there's no one i wanna burden with listening to me. i feel so incredibly selfish for talking about myself and doing it all for attention. so i just don't show myself anymore.

i wish i could talk to a person that's not connected to my life. i wanna speak things i can't speak about anyone without ruining a relationship and their image of me. i feel like i'm just pretending to be somebody else.

i think of signing up for the gym tomorrow. i desperately need to have a nicer body. i don't think i can live not being pretty. everyday i'm confronted with how ugly my face and my body look. i really hope estrogen can at least feminize my body in some aspects.

i have zero passion in life right now. i am so cold.

[stormyy-bluezz01]

can i talk about a symbolic dream i had?

no? thanks!

sooo i don't exactly remember the first part of my dream, but we were at a theme park of some sort and i vividly remember was forced to wear high heels by my mum. they didn't hurt but it was uncomfortable to walk in and the entire time i was complaining.

at one point we reached some gift shop and i wanted to buy a couple of sonic books (not ones that exist irl, i remember one had fleetway super sonic at the front too). my parents were hesitant but they let me buy it-

anyways, so we go to the register and i think my parents asked smth about the books to the cashier? the cashier thought it was fine but then he let some rookie cashier take our things. except the entire time the rookie cashier was telling me "do you wanna buy it? it's not educational/meaningful/etc.".

the entire time i was js going "uhh yea", and eventually, i got to buy it. i was relieved when we left the store and got away from the weird new cashier, who no one ever stopped from 'confronting' me btw.

then we get out of the shop and there's like frost on the floor or smth like that. my feet weren't cold (since this was js a dream) but it was wet and uncomfortable and at this point i was so annoyed that i js blew up at my mum for making me wear those stupid sandles in the first place.

however instead of going home my mum tells me to suck it up and at this point i got pretty mad. i started making a fuss about it but she said smth or the other and my dad told me to js "ignore it, you know how she is." then we went back into an indoor area of the theme park and i sat by myself and got a phone as i tried not to cry (i have horrible emotional regulation can you tell).

anyways here's the actual symbolism!

high heel sandle thingys - they could represent my parents' religion and how their lifestyle is holding back mine (the frost represents the way the restrictions cause me actual)

the books - my tendency to use the internet as an escape (the cashier is me confronting me about it)

the way my parents acted the entire time is how i view them (and tbf is how they act irl as well)

there may be more i js dont remember rn

overall this entire dream was one huge ball of self-awareness... TOO BAD IDGAF BRAIN 😈😈😈

[alvaeris]

I don't know why but "now I'm staring at my ceiling like I do every night" was like, weirdly endearing (?)

But I'm okay! I'm doing schoolwork rn but I'm trying to get it done as soon as I can since I'm sick and I wanna rest lmao

- 💜🩷🖤👑

it’s part of my nightly routine! every night, i stare at the ceiling for an hour and just think. about myself, and about others, and about life in general, and death, and whatever i’m worried about at the time. i recommend it to everyone, it’s great, because it makes it hard to not face yourself. you know what i mean? usually people distract theirselves so they don’t have to confront themselves. i hope that makes sense, but yeah! i’ve done it for as long as i can remember.

also YIKES. i hope you get better soon!! being sick is one of the worst things ever. except when it conveniently happens on a test date, then it’s okay. get lots and lots of rest. and good luck with your schoolwork too, that stuff sucks!

[unlucky-rose]

hhhh reality hit me ouch- im so good at compartmentalizing until I get home

im not gonna get much done roleplay wise im sorry, not doing so good. just holding together-

mini-vent case you wanna know why but i don't really wanna bring people down so- yeah. short version is just stress from school and then i spiral hhh 😞

school stress is so fun and I love it when I talk about it to parent and get told its my fault because i shouldve known and shouldve just asked even though confrontation makes me nervous and a lot of people made the same mistake. this is why I dont talk about it. do i need to say "im stressed. please dont make me feel worse"? tbh id probably get yelled at even if I clearly expressed that because thatd be "talking back" or something. or maybe I am just stupid. because some people got it. i shouldve just been smarter. I really dont deserve to be where I am if I make mistakes like this.

ahgh sorry for being self-pitying online- idk sometimes I get sick of talking to myself. she literally has nothing good to say rn 🎉

[323398149]

I come here when i feel like I have thoughts I have no where to get them out to

I messed up

I know you're supposed to say bye to ppl so I've been trying to do that the last 10 years but now I gotta learn the etiquettes of saying hi cause I messed up and got in trouble and that's my bad oops I'm stupid and dumb and dumb and stupid and I'm sorry

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry to everyone ever

Like ik this is an extreme reaction ik it as I type it so obvs I wouldn't say it and ik I shouldn't think it but like..... trust me I agree with whatever it is that you're mad at me for ever because if I didn't exist none of it would have happened and I really wish I didn't exist so I'm truly sorry. But yeah ik an extreme reaction that doesn't make sense to react that way to someone being upset with you for something little so instead you're supposed to apologize and not do the thing again and not get too in your head or dramatic over the interaction. It's called emotional regulation hehe but yeah I'm sorry regardless but if you say that too much over something small ppl think that's a weird extreme reaction as well.

So you just own up to your mess up and then in your head you make sure not to do it again and that's a normal level of reaction rn

Lol who needs a therapist when I just have talking it out with myself on tumblr?

Anyways I just didn't know the etiquette lol like genuinely truly I went 25 years without knowing that was a rule. I had no idea. But also now that I think about it it was obvious and I should have known and I'm dumb.

It was a genuine oopsie

But I can't say that or it makes me look disregulated but I need to tell someone how badly I feel rn so I'm typing it here. I'm so sad and sorry. I'm so sorry. I feel like such a fuck up. I hope I don't end up crying. Imma stop typing. But I feel a bit better. Phew

Gah I'm so dumb. When does this shit end? I just wanna be grown up and get a hug and be safe and no upset anybody. But that's unrealistic. You have to be around humans as a human and if you're around each other there's always gonna be misunderstandings and confrontations. You can't just avoid and hide your entire life or you'll never live.

Yeah which is why I guess in those moments my brain will go gah why am I alive

Like it makes sense bcs these types of negative emotions only happen BECAUSE you're alive. If you were dead you wouldn't feel anything. And you wouldn't feel happy either.

I just feel like idk recently I've been hurting ppls feelings by accident and then they mention it and I feel bad. I guess it's because I've been around ppl again after hiding for a while y'know?

Anyways I just look forward to it all ending, whenever that is lol

Even if I have to wait another 50 years gah feels forever but when u think of it like that I only have to do what I already did 2 more times. And then it feels doable. I'm a third way there!!!! Can you believe that, tumblr? We've actually survived. I'm proud of us.

[urdream9irl]

Dear Diary,

People are dick riding me hard asf rn.

How the hell did I just find out from someone that isn't even on the team the drama that's going around rn about me???.......Tell me how I'm the last one to know...... I'm not really mad more, just okay, so my mom and me and him were right about you, mf. Specifically L. L is just drama. I dont know even why I told her. I need to understand, not everything NEEDS to be said to everyone. Doesn't matter if it's the same thing we are in or anything. Don't say shit. You can not trust anyone out here. This may be something that I asked from God. I asked, "God take anyone out of my life that is not meant to be in my life right now"

I'm not mad. I just know better now. I'm not mad at S that my place was taken by her. I'm not jealous or anything. I understand why and what I need to do to get it back. I'm not mad I just know now I do need to cut you off because all you are L is a girl full of drama, and you just wanna be relevant. You were me in 6th grade. Ma'am we are older than that. Act your age and get right. I may not have my life together right now, but honey, don't go around saying to get your life together bc ur isn't, and you act like it is with surface things. The way you act is a complete reflection of ur insecurities and it shows. I am not mad at you, I pity you. I hope you get out of that phase soon and get well, babes.

Anyway, I am choosing to be understanding than mad and sending the same energy back. Instead, I will distance, and this is probably what I needed to do this whole time. These people around me are probably what's causing this negative bubble I feel trapped in. I am not saying I'm better but I'm more mature in thoughts to understand not to try to get immediately mad and instead understand what's going in and make sure to 1 stand up for myself which doesn't mean I'm mean more confronting instead of hiding. I really could just distance and leave that energy alone and stop entertaining her with talking to her. I'm not sure if that's the right response to this, but I know everything will be okay and will pass over. This will be solved, and I will take some type of step.

Xoxo, J ♡ (2/29/24)

[chemicalcarousel]

questions taken from this post

just answering all of these for myself because i can and i don't wanna wait for potential asks

Hi! Who are you right now?

I'm Levi ✌

How do know its you thats out? What are your usual cues?

Uhh good fucking question. i feel like a guy ig (dysphoria). and i have very strong feelings of justice and i get very pissed when ppl aren't treated right (im super vengeful). i also dissociate a lot when im confronted with my source and i think my voice is lower and im less "all over the place" than some of the other alters? i'm more "relaxed" ig, even if my emotions can get very strong and bordering black/white

Do you like it when people know its You and not the collective whole? Is it situational, or depends on the person?

It's complicated. i feel very exposed and i'm nervous what other people will think of me since i'm a fictional introject of a very popular anime character. i'm also worrying about which impression we as a collective have on the people around us, and if they know we are a DID system and which alters we got, then they might treat us in some weird fucking way (and let's be honest - that's the reality of it) but on the other hand, i feel so lonely and invisible when i'm talking to my friends and they don't know that i even exist, ya kno? i'd wish i could be myself around my friends and i'm still trying to find out if that is possible

What sort of aesthetics do you draw to?

i guess darker ones? like black and red. i like grunge and punk too. i also fuck with traumacore, again especially black/white and red shit. angry shit. im an edgy little man

What do you look like?

pretty much like my source, i just wear different clothes ig here's some pics xoxo

What sort of emotions do you feel mostly when you’re out?

anger, grief, vengefulness, idk man i'm ready to punch a bitch lol

What sort of situations are you out in most of the time?

I'm a host, but other than that i'm always the one going to sleep and i am the one that doesn't hate ourselves ig. i'm not gonna blame us for what other people did or do to us, ya kno. i'm a protector

Are there other parts like you in the same system?

we have another introject of the same character, but he's nothing like me or our source. so no, i think i'm the only alter like me in this body?

Are you part of a subsystem?

no, i don't think we have subsystems

What’s your relationship like to the parts nearest to you right now?

idk, kinda like roommates or "found family"? i'm not sure who's close rn tho, but i'm chill with all the alters i know

Do you have vague memories of before you came out, or do they feel blocked out?

i have no idea what this means. i think it means before i fronted and yeah we kinda have a "shared consciousness", but sometimes i realise i don't have all the pieces of what happened, but it's mostly greyouts and emotional amnesia

What’s your favorite way to ground?

nature, fidget toys, drinking something tasty

Do you have a favorite snack or drink?

idk i love coffee ig. i like food in general lol

Do you have a favorite item in the present world?

hmm... can't think of one item, but i have some clothing and other stuff that i like. i love flannel shirts and i love pretty teacups

Do you have an inner world? Do you have a place you like in there?

nah, not really. it's just a black void. we haven't been able to construct one and nothing has seemed to pop up yet

Whats a simple way other parts might describe you to like a therapist or something?(they’re the fierce one, the sad one, ect)

the angry/vengeful one/the fight response one

What’s the safest thing you can imagine right now?

so pathetic, but ig that's a part of why i was created. but the safest thing i can imagine is the guy i see as my soulmate (erwin), but he's a fucking anime character from my source and has never and will never be real. but he's such a comfort for me and thereby the entire system. i just wish he was actually real lol i definitely haven't cried myself to sleep because he's a drawing ahahaha :')

What’s something you wish the system would do more of?

stand up for ourselves. but i do understand why other parts don't do this and i don't blame them. i'd just wish they didn't feel this fear and shame

What’s your handwriting like?

idk ugly? i think all of us have an ugly handwriting lmfao

Free space! Tell me a random fact about you or something you’re thinking about

uhh rn im dissociating bc we are opening up to a friend about our DID and it's making all of us nervous, so that's what's in my thoughts. a random fact could be that i fucking love making fun of my source and i love making fans mad lmfao

[it-was-yxu]

I really need advice on something with a friend that's really stressing me out because I can't afford therapy rn so this is all I have.

I have a friend who I've been really close with since we were 12-13 (we're 23 now.) I'm p sure they have BPD but I can't say for sure cuz I'm not a therapist.

They have this like really bad paranoia that everyone, especially friends, hates them and doesn't want them around, which I understand I feel that way too sometimes. It's just lately it's really bad to where they're like getting upset at me and our mutual friend (whom they live with) and everyone else for like, not texting them every single day or they'll get upset if we go places/do stuff with other people while they're at work/not around. They don't really get mad at us, they just get sad and I feel bad but like I just wanna live my life without feeling guilty about not constantly worrying about if me hanging out with someone on my own time is going to upset them and sometimes I just want to spend a few days to myself where I don't talk to anybody but I can't do that anymore out of fear that I'm going to make them sad.

Every time I try to help or I think things are going well something sets them off again like someone not talking to them for a day or someone not hanging out as much because they working, tired or stressed.

They also have anger issues, not necessarily directed at us, just in general and it stresses me out. They're not violent, they just yell sometimes when they get mad, frustrated or annoyed, even over little things. They're scared to go to therapy and a lot of the people they know have just been too busy to talk to them, so I'm the one they always come to with this stuff even though I have a hard time trying to comfort people because I don't fucking know how, but I try my best.

I also sometimes feel like my/our feelings don't matter to them. Like I've told them a few times over the past few months that I was straight up feeling suicidal and not having a good time mentally, and then they'll vent to me the next day.

I'm scared to talk about it with them because I know it's just going to make them feel guilty/sad about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I reassure them constantly that I love them and that I like hanging out with them, I don't want to leave them. I'm just scared that my only choice in the end will be to cut them off. But then I wouldn't be able to see our mutual friend cuz they live with each other and he's also scared of confrontation.

I understand they don't want to get upset over this stuff and they hate being so paranoid and they hate that they get angry/frustrated so easily, I get that they don't want to be this way, they tell me all the time, but I just don't know how to help or if I even can.

I'm just so tired of being a therapist.

[joeymets]

kill me

[kalloway]

it’s 4am and I don’t know how to draw Alistair because I refuse to use proper refs, but I did a thing anyway lmao

[snubbullls]

.