#i don't think this is a healthy schedule even for able bodied mentally well people

[asteria-argo]

one thing I've always known is that I am not built to work full time. I don't have the mental, physical or emotional capacity for it. These two weeks of a full time schedule for training I'm only about half way through are really just affirming that.

[glittergutts]

Hello, this a regularly scheduled health update!

I'm in a mood again. I feel like this happens a lot but yet I can't stop it. I just don't want to do anything. There's stuff I need to do I want done. Hell, there's even things I want to do but I just can't make myself do it. I'm hungry but I don't feel like eating either I just want to lay down for awhile but I know it would cut into the rest of my day and I would regret it. I guess either way I'm not accomplishing anything.

I wish I had some edible still they really help even out my moodiness. I've been wearing these stress patches with valerian, passion flower, and hops. So far I think it's helpful and I'm going to keep using them, also a sticker on my wrist I can't feel is a super easy way to do a little bit for my mental health. It's also the time of day where I need to take vitamins and my weekly vitamin d prescription. My twice daily antibiotics say not to take within 2 hours of vitamin supplements. So it's been tricky to remember a vitamin in the middle of the day. I think that could help restore some energy. Also if I just got up and ate something would probably help too...

I'm going to start taking omega 3 7 and 9s so *hopefully * I don't get the seasonal depression this year. My mood might not be great but I sure don't feel like I did when I was depressed. At least not yet? Anyways I'm trying to be proactive about that. Also when we pick up Loki next week I'll be outside walking him everyday along with using my elliptical so I just need an upper body work out and the exercise aspect of my health will be in check.

I've been doing really well at not buying junk food or not ordering junk when I go out. I've always struggled to maintain an appetite so sometimes I do eat junk just because it's better than eating nothing. I'm trying to be gentle with myself because it took a very long time to develop a realistic relationship with food for me. I'm down to 116 but I'm sure that's not accurate as I was dehydrated and needed to eat again. I only weigh myself about once a week because I'm scared to obsess over it. Also things are going well!! 24 pounds down just from healthy eating is amazing. Now that I'm exercising again I'm hopeful things will continue to improve.

My weight was causing health problems and I need to go back for more blood work I'm just hoping to lose enough weight to have actually resolved my problems by the time I go. I think my physical health in improving though just due to the fact I'm feeling better. I've even been able to skip the muscle relaxers and sleeping pills sometimes.

I've also gotten annoyed at the amount of pills I have to take (again) and so I've been trying things other than my prescriptions:

- Icey-hot is good on my back but I can't use it on my entire legs which sucks.

-Arnica pellets combined with ibuprofen seems to work better than either alone.

-Moon mints I'm very unsure of. They taste fucking awesome though.

- Essential oils are fun but no where near as helpful as people want you to believe.

I'm thinking about buying a melatonin vape because I'm so tired of all the pills. I have some that dissolve in your mouth but I don't like them.

I've also been drink clam magnesium drink for my muscles post work out and for better sleep. It's too soon to say if it helps. My muscles definitely feel weak but not sore? So maybe it's good.

Also I got these little silicone rings you clip on your septum that smells like lavender and the other one is lemon.

So I've been doing a lot of shit in addition to spiritual reading, meditation, sensory regulation, and other self care type things.

SO if I'm messed up it is not for lack of trying.

[vancilocs]

Can we get lyssa and izkiel and orion and vesper?

orion as the cis man who ruins everything

What is each member's love language?

Acts of service, verbal affection and quality time from Lyssa

Physical affection from Vesper, acts of service from Orion

What would they describe as their perfect date?

A calm candlelit dinner with no hurries to go anywhere, some drinks, quality time at home and then off to bed at a reasonable hour for Lyssa, but she's willing to spend time at a club and/or go on a walk with Izkiel as long as she doesn't get too exhausted

Orion would prefer to pick a movie, pick snacks and watch it together while cuddling, Vesper would take him to the club so he'd get worked up at the noise and people and then bring him home to work the anger out

Who made the first move?

Lyssa, Izkiel didn't really notice

Vesper

Who is more sentimental?

Probably Lyssa, she likes mementos and taking pictures and all that

Vesper, Orion doesn't do sentiments

Which member calls the other in to kill the spiders?

Izkiel brings them out, Lyssa will usually leave them alone

Both kill them

Who falls asleep first?

Lyssa, she's often tired at the end of the day

Usually Vesper, Orion keeps thinking about everyone who's done him wrong before he rages himself to sleep

Who wakes up first?

It depends I think, Lyssa does have a schedule but Izkiel also has a job he needs to go to

Could be either, usually to the same alarm though

Who is more more relaxed/carefree?

Izkiel, not like he's super loosey goosey with things but Lyssa has a bunch more on her plate

Vesper in general, more of an ayy lmao attitude about life

What’s one way their personalities compliment one another? (Is it opposites attract or are they pretty similar?)

I think both are genuine and kind and want good things for people and each other, so they do compliment each other pretty well even if they do have differences

Both are intense and passionate as all hell, sorta aggressive, relentless and could defend their point of view in an argument for hours. They're similar, they just went different directions with it.

Who is always cold?

Lyssa is half evarian so she has a lower body temperature in general, she can handle cold better than Izkiel

Neither, but Vesper handles cold better thanks to their evarian half

Which member is always trying to bring home stray animals and which member always has to say no?

I don't think either would, they're responsible enough

Neither

Who worries more?

Both worry, but I think Izkiel is more worried about Lyssa's health

Vesper was more worried about Orion's mental stability

What are some non-sexual activities they do together?

Cuddle, cook, watch videos and movies, clean, go on walks, go to the hot springs to soak, chat about their day

Work out, cuddle while watching TV or being on their phones, do Vesper's hair, cook and eat

Who would be able to talk their way out of a speeding ticket?

Lyssa for her pure innocence and explaining that she's a doctor and someone needs help

Both, Vesper through seducing and Orion through threats

Who is the better cook?

Maybe Lyssa, being raised by a busy single parent she has learned to make herself healthy meals since she was quite young.

Orion, Vesper doesn't care about cooking and prefers takeout

What are some things they don’t agree on?

I think stuff that has to do with Lyssa saving lives and Izkiel occasionally taking them, it doesn't bother them though

Vesper doesn't subscribe to Orion's view of "everyone including you and me fucking sucks and they need to hear it", dude being negative won't help anyone

Which member is more physically affectionate?

Both are cuddly, Lyssa has some boundaries on where she likes to be touched but otherwise she likes it

Any outwards affection is more Vesper's thing

Which member is more verbally affectionate?

Lyssa is big on compliments, Izkiel probably picked it up from her also

Vesper, Orion has probably never complimented them

How does each member feel about PDA?

Within boundaries it's okay. Holding hands, hand on shoulder or around waist, kisses are fine in public

Orion doesn't do it but accepts it from Vesper who's a fiend

Who’s the safer driver?

Lyssa doesn't drive because of her health

Orion

What’s each member flirting style?

Compliments, showing pictures of two cute things and saying "look it's us" for Lyssa

Compliments and touches, suggestive questions from Vesper, suggestive looks and showing off from Orion

Which member steals borrows the other ones clothing?

Izkiel can borrow Lyssa's sweaters and dresses all he likes, though the dresses don't really fit him

Vesper steals everything from shirts to underwear from Orion, nothing is safe

Who is the cuddle initiator?

Both can

Usually Vesper but Orion positions himself accordingly. He can snuggle up too if Vesp is laying down already

Are they an introverted couple or an extroverted one—AKA would they prefer to go out to a party or event together or would they rather stay in?

Neither minds going to a club, Lyssa likes to dress up too. Maybe not a party, but having people around isn't awful

Vesper likes parties as much as they like staying in, Orion fucks off after 10 minutes at a party or he would start swinging

Who is the big/little spoon?

They swap

Orion is big spoon unless he's asleep and Vesper sneaks behind him

Who is more likely to make an impulsive decision and who is the voice of reason?

Izkiel would do something impulsive, Lyssa begs him to consider first

Vesper isn't very likely, but more likely to do it. Orion doesn't do jack shit to stop them

Who’s more likely to laugh at their own jokes?

I think Izkiel

Vesper

Who takes longer showers?

It's kinda equal, Izkiel needs to moisturize but Lyssa needs to wash her hair

Vesper, Orion takes 5-minute cold showers

Who is “more loved” by the in-laws?

Lyssa's parent was very sus at first, Izkiel didn't seem like the good sort for their child. Odin also kept an eye out but he's mainly quiet. Izkiel's family loved Lyssa.

Orion's dad wouldn't have approved of any relationship but they hated each other anyways, Vesper's parents would honestly have loved Orion which was a red flag in on itself given how much Vesper doesn't like them

Who is more likely to get jealous?

Lyssa did a bit about Izkiel's habit of having someone cute on his lap when gambling. But not anymore

If either, then Orion. Vesper was so sure of Orion's hatred of all living things that he wouldn't look at other people

What was the most surprising thing they learned about one another once they started dating?

Maybe how dorky Izkiel could be, this big bad bounty hunter. Also what a hottie Lyssa is when she wants to be

How needy for touch and affection Orion really is even if he'll never admit it, and how serious and domestic Vesper could be

Who stays up way too late and who tries to drag them to bed?

Lyssa will go to bed whether you like it or not

Orion will stay up, Vesper doesn't care, they're off to sleep, be tired if you want hardass

Who’s messier?

Izkiel

Vesper

Which member is more likely to accidentally spend $300 at Target?

Neither I don't think, they're fairly responsible

If either then Vesper

Who wanted/would want kids first?

Neither really wants kids, too much for Lyssa's health and their jobs wouldn't allow it

Orion would sooner get hit by a car than have children, no he hasn't forgiven his father for creating him (Vesper is bound to agree)

Who gives piggy back rides to the other?

Neither I don't think

Vesper will yell combat carry and jump on Orion's back and he'll tolerate it for 20 seconds or so before he drops them

Who fell in love first?

Lyssa, took Izkiel's demiromantic ass some time

I think Vesper both got and lost the feelings faster

[hermette-historian]

I AM going to ask about your extremely strong feelings on academic competition, it both sounds interesting and it's also healthy to write out your feelings, even more if it's something that's personally tiring/upsetting. Just to let it all out, yknow? Of course, feel free to ignore this ask if you don't have the time and/or if it's none of our business to know u-u - 🌻

I can promise you, you’re about to wish you hadn’t asked.

I have thoughts.

For people relying on me to stick absolutely solely to Hermitcraft on this blog, I’m sorry in advance for I am but a human. 

First, let’s ruminate a little bit upon why it is that I have thoughts. I attended a very large, extremely competitive public high school in the US, and I now attend  an even more competitive, very small private university. Somehow not as much of a culture shock as you would think.

I, like so many of you, was designated gifted kid as a child and rode that wave all the way through high school. Only somehow, I managed to not raise any mental health alarms along the way. Absolutely smooth sailing. Crazy, right? Only it really wasn’t.

The first sign that I was destined to clash violently with the established world of academic hierarchy and resulting social superiority was eighth grade, when I had to schedule into my first high school classes. We actually had the option to take an AP class-World History. We were blanket advised to not take world history because it was a massive jump in workload from even the most difficult middle school courses, but most of my friends believed themselves to be able to handle it so they disregarded the advice. I did not sign up for AP World History that year, or any year after that. I probably could have handled it, but quite simply I was not interested. I had no drive to learn history at that point in my life. Why would I go the extra mile to do it?

I cannot exaggerate enough how unpopular this decision was. While my parents had my back then and now in the path this set me on, the people I chose to associate myself with could at no point get it through their heads that choosing something other than the highest grade of rigor for a reason other than “you’re just not smart enough” was even an option. And that sucked. It sucked for them, victims of culture and structure, and it sucked for me, a victim of their endless condescension.

I stuck to my guns all the way through high school. I took high-rigor courses, sure. I did extracurriculars. I was, and still am, highly self-motivated to achieve academically. But my stubbornness when it came to only taking on things that I was actually interested in (and never, ever taking part in something just for the resumé points) meant that while my peers were taking a full seven-course load of AP honors classes by our senior year, I only had five total. 

This competitive culture, not my resumé, made my college application process a living hell. Sure, I had my choice of higher education in the end. But I only applied to six highly-accredited universities that I was actually interested in, while my peers applied to twenty at once just to flex their acceptances. Don’t get me wrong, it broke my heart to see them work so hard on an essay that in the end meant nothing, but holy hell did it turn them into terrible monsters to deal with. Calculus class (which by the way, I finally was persuaded to skip a course in order to take, worst mistake of my life) was regularly derailed by arguments over who out of that selection of 26 was going to get valedictorian. Apparently there was a tie, I wasn’t listening. I finished 70th out of 726, barely making the top 10% with a GPA well over 4.0. 

These are the people that I took with me into university, not in body but certainly in spirit. I love my university and wouldn’t trade it for any other choice I could have made. But on days like today, when I’m taking a full load of courses for the second time in the midst of a still-ongoing pandemic, my GPA barely clinging to a 3.0 after two semesters of organic chemistry, three semesters of calculus (yes I had to retake that one attempt from high school) electricity and magnetism, and quantum physics, melting on the floor after a particularly terrible exam, I struggle to step back and realize that I did not come out of there unscathed. Years upon years of relentlessly competing in a race I intentionally didn’t sign up for beat me down and finally broke me. It made me feel like if I wasn’t doing the absolute most, if I wasn’t maxxing myself out taking two majors and two minors and riding for the university team and playing in the orchestra and working 16-hour shifts backstage at the theater and running a goddamn essay blog that I simply wasn’t good enough. That all of the engineers and computer scientists were better than me, smarter than me, that they knew something that I didn’t. That they were doing life right, and I was doing it wrong.

I couldn’t give less of a shit what kind of job I get after I graduate. I’ve been perfectly happy in every minimum wage job I’ve ever had. I’m in this fight because I love to learn-I find myself reading the papers on Asian history now with the same wonder with which I go into a lecture on NMR spectroscopy. I want to know all the things, learn all the languages, I want to understand every bit of the world I live in and even the worlds I don’t. But I’m also human. A human with fears and insecurities and terrible anxiety that comes from being berated and misunderstood and looked down upon for not "doing it right”. Some days, that leaves me writing a passionate blog post or god forbid an instagram comment. And some days, that leaves me in a sobbing puddle on the floor wondering why I’m not good enough, if it’s too late to turn back, and if I’ll ever be able to participate in a society that-if my twenty rejected internship applications are to be believed-requires that I also somehow learn to write code.

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

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We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

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My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

.

I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

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HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

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Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

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Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order.  And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in.  I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it.  Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.  

You are dealing with So. Much.  Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation.  It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions.  It’s just reality.  

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later.  Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with.  It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.  

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle.  Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep.  Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.  

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you.  The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit.  It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake.  That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties.  That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much.  Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.  

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist.  You might research online for any used ones as well.  A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation.  You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future.  It’s a lot to process.  But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.   

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general.  Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending  your physical therapy sessions.  We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy.  You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain.  Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body.  Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

[angelsonthesideline]

Tales From the Ex-Crypt Vol. 9

Wow.. volume 9.. I'm going to wrap it up with this one because I really don't want to live in the past or think about any of these people any more. I'm happy, even if Mr HTG is still not officially mine, I only want to look forward and these crypts will be closed. There are definitely more stories than the ones I've written here.. but this is the one that people are like "NO.. that only happens in movies!"

So, I was minding my own business at work when one of my regular customers walked in with a friend. They had been at a dinner party, and started talking about winter tires, and my customer said that the friend had to come see me for tires, and proceeded to bring him in. His friend wasn't someone who really stood out to me, there was nothing remarkable to me about him. He was nice enough, mild mannered, tall, blue eyes, great smile (I'm a sucker for eyes and smiles) and we went over some tire options. I sent them on their way with the friend having his quotes in hand.

I didn't really think anything more of it, it was busy (snow) season and I was plenty busy. A week or so later, the friend comes back, he had decided on some tires and steel wheels and put his deposit down on the order. I wrote up the order, and handed him his copy, when he asked "so when do I get to see you again?" and my smart ass responded with something to the effect of when he got his tires on.

I hadn't really paid any attention to him prior to that moment, and he wasn't my "type" at all. I went home, and something kept nagging at me about him, so I sent him a text after getting his number off his order slip. This is not something I generally do, but since he'd already asked me out, I didn't feel like I was overstepping. This was also 10 years ago.

I didn't hear anything back until the Monday, when I got a profuse apology for the delay, and the excuse that he had had his phone stolen while having lunch on a patio over the weekend in a busy tourist town.

We started talking regularly, he came in and got his snow tires in the meantime, and we hung out for our first "date". He told me he was on a joint task force for terrorist threats between the FBI and CSIS and had to travel often as the supervisor of his unit. He said he would try to see me as often as possible but that it wasn't always a lot of time. I didn't mind, as I was busy and we facetimed and talked by text and phone. I never felt neglected.

We dated for a year, our relationship was amazing, we got along so well, and he made me strive to be my best self. I lost a ton of weight, was eating well, and made an appointment with my doctor to get my mental health in check.

We never had sex, we just had incredibly hot makeout sessions. I always thought it was odd that he didn't want to go any further, but he said he had had a bad experience and wanted to wait until we were married. As he was on the smaller side, I figured that had something to do with it, but I was so absolutely in love by that point it didn't really matter.

He had all sorts of pics of him in his flack in his suits, in the cars, with the guns, or just in offices. I'd get a text or call saying he was flying in and was driving to see me, but would only have about an hour or two to spend with me before he had to get back to his team and back on the road. It kept things exciting, and I loved surprise visits when he'd text me at work that he was outside.

I wanted to see him more, of course, especially as things got more intense between us. But it was always a matter of time for him. No matter how awful other things in my life were going, whenever asked how things with him were, I would immediately brighten and say they were amazing.

My anxiety was getting to a very dysfunctional level, and I was struggling hardcore to manage it. I went to the doctor, he arranged for me to begin therapy. He was supportive when I told him. This was around our 1 year together. But the next time I got to see him, I got doused with ice water, when I gifted him with an expensive watch and he told me he wanted to take our relationship back a step because of his schedule. His reason was that I was amazing and I deserved to be able to pursue someone who could give me everything he wasn't able to due to his job. I was blindsided and devastated. Because I loved him so much, and was dumb, I agreed to try. I'm an absolutely all-in or all-out type of personality, there is no grey middle ground for me. It is why I do struggle with FWB and casual arrangements, unless I have mentally steeled myself to be all-out and just enjoy the moment without feelings.

My first year of therapy and into my second was almost fully dedicated to dealing with this trauma. I have never had a break up so devastating. I am pretty sure most of the damage came from the shock, but also from the "trying" to move forward with him flitting in and out of my life instead of just cutting clean ties.

I cried a lot.. I was so stressed my cortisol levels caused my body to produce more than double the healthy level of reverse T3, completely messing up my thyroid and metabolism, I gained weight, lost energy and all the other fall out. It took me years to recover, and moving to NS and stumbling upon a doctor who treated the thyroid issues (which seem to be back in working order now after some thyroid hormone therapy).

I have never ever let someone have so much impact on my life, and the only reason I can ever explain it with was just the depth of love I had for this man. I don't even know why or what sucked me in, beyond his confidence and charm. He was one of the many devil Aquarius that I dated, always trying to prove the zodiac/astrology stuff was absolutely wrong (because I am generally SO drawn to Aquarius and have dated that sign more than any other). The zodiac definitely kicked my ass with Aquarius to show me that I fucked around and found out the hard way for sure.

We did the on and off/casual thing for 6 months before it was too toxic and messed me up too badly and I cut him off. It was about 6 months later he crawled back, and we tried it again for about another 6 months before I broke again and cut him off permanently.

I tried to not think of him, and started trying to move on with dating. My longterm ex and I had become gaming friends again by this point, in a mostly healthy and functional way. He had asked me to get an app called Voxter so he could send me voice messages (pre-imsg) and I had. You have to make an account to use Voxter though, and then the app itself didn't pick up my soft voice so I deleted it. But the account remained.

One day, I get an email that I have a new suggested contact/friend on Voxter. I open the email, and low and behold, it is Mr Aquarius Devil... and I'm like "hmm.. I don't have any of his new contact information in my phone" so I go to my computer and open my gmail.. start typing in his name and up pops this picture:

The fucker was MARRIED... and had a KID.

I will say, that was the BEST closure ever.. I was INSTANTLY over his ass instead of lamenting WHY it hadn't worked and what I had possibly done wrong. What I had done wrong, was fall for a fucking dirtbag.

Now, I work with the public.. and I had lots of regular customers that would ask me how I was and what was going on with me, and share what was going on with them. I was angry, and I showed a few of them this pic and was like "look at this fucker, he has a WIFE and KID" and I think it got back to him.

Two weeks after I stumbled upon this picture on his gmail, I got a full confessional email from him.

Turns out, he had been married for 12 years, and his son was 7 at the time I found out. Not only that, but he wasn't in law enforcement, HE WAS A PASTOR.. He had also gotten busted for sleeping with two women in his congregation, and fooling around with two others. He had lost his congregation and his church was sending him out west to some rehab. His wife was staying with him, and moving out there with him. He basically said it was all a lie (everything) and that his therapist said he had to write apology letters and explain himself to his victims (like myself). He said it was an ego trip to compensate for low self esteem. So basically, I was just an ego boosting toy for him.

A year later, I received a random text message from a southern Alberta phone number. I am guessing it was his wife, as all it said was "Have you been in contact with J***?" and I was like "J*** who?" and never heard anything ever again. But I am sure he was already back to his old tricks.

[lovenotereminders]

Hello! Do you have tips on how to study with depression. I'm thinking about dropping out of school because I'm in pain but I wish I could just hold on until I get my degree, in about 100 days. Problem is, I can't focus anymore, neither in class nor at home, I don't do my homeworks because I don't feel like doing them, I'm tired and I have to take a lot of naps when I get home, so I don't have time. I thought about asking the studyblr but I thought you would be better at giving advices. Love ❤

First thing’s first: you aren’t alone! I’m in the same position as you - I’ve had depression since my final year of 6th form/high school, and I’m currently in the last few months of the final year of my degree, and on track to achieve the grades I want to achieve. It’s doable!

The issues you’ve described like tiredness, difficulty focusing, and executive dysfunction making it difficult to carry out the tasks you need to do are all very common symptoms of depression, and seeking treatment for that depression is always the port of call I would advise first. If you’re comfortable with it, it’s probably a good idea to speak to your GP about potentially trying out medications that might help you to cope with those symptoms. The most common antidepressants, SSRIs and SNRIs help you to make the most of the energy you have by preventing your body from wasting serotonin and can really help with focus and executive dysfunction issues, as well as being quite low-risk in terms of side effects. It can take time to find the right medication for you because there are lots of different types, but a lot of people (myself included) find them really helpful in terms of helping them with day to day function. If you’re already on meds and still suffering from these symptoms, it might be worth talking to your GP about trying a different kind of medication, or a different dosage. 

Following on from that, speaking to a mental health professional is also a good idea. Most universities have counselling services which can help you out in terms of things like identifying and treating underlying causes of depression, teaching you healthy coping mechanisms to deal with your symptoms, and helping you identify things that help boost your mood and serotonin levels which can make doing things like studying a lot easier. 

Aside from that:

Learning to manage my time effectively has been one of the most helpful things for me, especially things like activity scheduling, breaking tasks down into small chunks and setting mini-deadlines. This is something I’ve talked about more in this post about dealing with stress. 

Following on for that, other points in that post that are really important are congratulating yourself on the achievements you make, no matter how small, taking time and giving yourself permission to have breaks and rest, and asking for help. 

Asking for help is especially important at university level. Speak to your module tutors, seminar tutors, lecturers, and personal tutor. Send them emails and arrange meetings with them so you can go through with them what you need to do, what your plans are for your coursework projects, or any advice they have for any exams, etc. They’re a resource that’s there for you to use, and you should take full advantage of them. Often it can be SO helpful just to have been able to run an essay plan past a tutor and get their feedback - it gives you much more confidence that what you’re working on is going okay and that you’re doing things right. 

Also, your personal tutor or whatever the equivalent is is the MOST important port of call. Let them know that you’re struggling, keep them aware of your situation. That way, it’s easier for them to help you if you need help - if you need accommodations like extra time on exams or extended deadlines, etc. having someone who knows your situation and can back up your claims is really helpful and makes the process a lot smother if you need to apply for things like extenuating circumstances allowances. 

I also tend to utilise a lot of apps to help me with things like time management and focus - this is something I’ve written more about here but the main ones on this list that help me with my classwork are Habitica (an app which turns your to-do list into an RPG) and Forest (which grows trees on your phone screen whilst you focus and helps to stop phone usage being a distraction)

Sometimes, it can become a matter of prioritising tasks - if you only have a certain amount of energy, pick the most important things to do using that energy, i.e. you can skip the lecture about the topic you know you’re not writing your paper on if you do the homework that’s about something you know will be on the test. Skip tidying your room if it’s more important for you to study. It’s okay to put things on the backburner. 

It can be easier to focus on things if you change your environment. i.e. trying to study in a space like your bedroom, which you also use for sleeping and leisure, can be not super conducive to effective studying. Make use of your university’s study facilities - go to the library or another quiet study space after class to do your homework instead of going straight home, and then you can relax when you get home for the rest of the day because you’ve already done everything you need to do that day. If you can’t manage that, just moving to a different area of your living space can be helpful. Maybe studying in the kitchen or lounge, or common room if you live in dorms. Even small actions like this can help with your mindset and improve your focus. 

I hope that’s helpful, and I wish you the best of luck in your studies. I believe in you! 

[marias-studyblr]

Hi I've always been behind others when it comes to school and I don't know how to catch up and continue to do well at learning new things. I don't have good study habits or time management skills, which frustrates me. My grades are subpar, I feel insecure when people talk about things I should know but don't and I love languages and have other hobbies I want to do, but I can't find the time to do them, or if I do have time I avoid them. Basically, I'm struggling and I don't know what to do.

hello love! 💛 this message was so heartfelt and honest, i’m proud of you. i’m going to try and answer the best i can!  

so the first thing I want to say straight off the bat is: it’s possible for you to improve. you are not inferior to others: you can be alongside your peers. it is possible for you to become more disciplined with your time and have better grades.

it might seem like a simple concept but it’s difficult to grasp if you are not completely confident in your shoes… it’s not enough to know that your grades aren’t where they should be. that is an important first step, but an equally important step is to know you are not inferior to others because of it. whatever is going on, you can find a way around to be in the place you’ve always wanted to be. to be proud and confident in your change and growth! and that is difficult to actually feel in your heart. what you need is all already there in your head. you need to trust yourself!

these are a few things you may already know but might consider putting into practice:

do not stand still. even if you are terribly behind, DO NOT FREEZE. even if it’s not perfect or how you wanted it to be, keep studying what you can. (nothing’s ever perfect btw but) even if you can only cover 70% of the content, if you stop, it will be way worse.

you say yourself you have poor study habits and time management! my friend, that is the root of ALL your problems. students who have good grades always have their hours on track. it’s the way you can find your momentum, review what you’ve learned in class, memorize your notes - because you have the time and your routine set. that is SO important. if you don’t make the time to study, then you won’t reach your goals, it’s crystal clear! if well done, this will change your game completely:

create a study schedule, a schedule that isn’t impossible or irrealistic. devote time to study, sleep, exercise, off hours.

self discipline tips

and while you’re studying, actually study: how to study smart

🌒 now, in an academic environment, everyone seems really worried about three things: grades, grades and grades. and if you don’t feel like yours fit a certain standard, then you must be a ‘bad’ student. some days i need to take a step back, to understand that what matters is me, no one else.

we feel jealous and scared, we let that blind us to what is really happening inside, to why we are letting ourselves slack. we close to change by not recognizing what is underneath our behavior. it’s easy to think: “i’m just a lazy person”. but what is really going on? you know you don’t have good study habits or time management, you know you need to create a study schedule, you know you need to stop standing still, so what is really going on? why are you letting yourself slack off and beat yourself up in silence while still pursuing the same old same old habits? 

without recognizing that, you won’t understand why you’re struggling, why you’re not letting yourself live your best life. you need to recognize those feelings to be able to cope with them and move forward, with better habits and better mental health.

from my own experience, i’ve recognized those feelings that stop my game sometimes, and i understand why they came around, reflecting on my childhood, etc. and what i noticed, which was a really important distinction for me, was that i’m not a lazy person. i can have lazy moments, that’s normal, but i’m not a lazy person. i tend to work hard. however, i often approach problems the wrong way. there is sometimes a mental block, or a “wall” as i like to imagine it that has been/i’ve built around myself, from insecurities, self-doubt, anxiety, fear, that locks me to gravitate towards unhealthy habits naturally and keeps me away from the things i actually should be doing.

it takes a moment to get ourselves in a healthy mindset, to stop sabotaging ourselves, to get that wall down and start living our lives the way we know we can, do the things the way we know we should. because it doesn’t take much mental strength to do 5 minutes of duolingo every day, it’s really not that hard. it does take force and discipline to keep yourself in a healthy mindset and not let your day be governed by fears, insecurities, and finally STOP waiting and start doing.

we are very very very capable and smart! and we have so many opportunities. we’re not any less inferior than those who are already doing it. so what are we waiting for?

🌱if we are not applying these habits that we know we should do and we know are possible for us, if there’s some feeling or insecurity we need to let go of, we need to force ourselves out of our comfort zone and ask ourselves: why aren’t you studying right now? why aren’t you following this schedule? what’s stopping you? 

at the end of the day, our daily routine, our daily schedule is up to us! our habits are the reason we aren’t doing better. we decide how much time we spend in front of the tv. we decide if our body is worthy enough of a few minutes of exercise or good sleep. we decide that! if you are making the wrong decisions, it’s up to you to revert that, you are in full control. and that’s good news! ⭐

i would love you to have a drive and motivation that reach way beyond your academic life, that reach your whole life! because that will make you very happy and very accomplished. it is your actions that dictate your success, but only your thoughts about yourself can truly bring you the motivation and the happiness that will, in turn, give you a successful life.

✨🍃 so, i urge you to take time today to reflect on why you might have this wall built around you and try to bring it down, by recognizing your self-worth, your importance, your strength. to take time to reflect on why it is important for you to have good grades, to find success.

to take a few minutes to build a schedule for your day, to steer away from distractions, and reflect on what thoughts don’t help you and what thoughts do and will motivate you start implementing small changes in your lifestyle!!

maybe you need to spend healthy time alone away from social media from time to time, unplug and look around, maybe you need to sleep more, exercise more, to feel more energized. all these small changes will really benefit you, so i encourage you to try them out.

and to keep working on yourself. keep going back to the why’s whenever you feel yourself going off your track, but for yourself, not for your parents, not for your teachers - for yourself. things will never be perfect to start, you have to start with what you have and slowly you will build the person you wish to be. slowly, yes, little by little, yes, softly, yes, but it has to start now!

no matter if you’ve failed before, no matter if you’ll fail again, no matter what it is you are exactly afraid of, i guarantee you, there is nothing simpler and more beautiful than start listening to what you want, to what you have to say. you know the answers, you know what you have to do, so listen and start taking action! it’s imperative that you start taking yourself seriously, that you start acting like you know what you want for yourself. because you do!

🌹 it’s ok to be assertive, to be confident in yourself, to display the hard work, to let yourself know you are trying and being vulnerable to failure, but progressing! always progressing!

i will leave you with the thought that change will happen forever if you are open to it. it takes time to grow, but you’re doing it right now, and you will continue to do it so much so that one day you will look back and see how much you’ve accomplished, as long as you are open and believe in/ are ready for change! 

i hope this helped even a little bit.? 💓 i love you, please know you are not alone in your feelings. so many people can relate to your insecurities, to your doubts about your work and the future. let’s focus on our growth, on our happiness, and from the inside out we will show it! all change starts from within!

KEEP FIGHTING we are all here with you trying too! 💌🙌 lots of love your way 🍃💕

[doetoes-blog]

Sarah I told my parents about my eating disorder and now they're creating a meal plan for me to stick to. The thing is, I don't know if I'm ready to recover. Every time I think about eating the food I start to panic. I was crying for hours just thinking about it. I don't know if I'm ready yet.

first of all, i’m so, so proud of you for accepting you have a problem and reaching out for help. that can be the hardest part of the recovery journey for a lot of people, and you’re already past that hurdle. well done! 

keep in mind that everything i’m about to say is stuff that helped me get from starvating to eating intuitively and from hating my body to viewing it neutrally. this just comes from my experience, and since i’m not you i have no idea what will and what won’t help. so don’t be discouraged if anything i say doesn’t immediately help you, or help you at all. that said, here are some things to think about: (under the cut because this is reeeeally long and it’s basically my “ED Recovery For Dummies” walkthrough lol)

your brain is starved of nutrients right now. that exacerbates your eating disorder and any other mental/neurological disorders you may have. things will get easier once you start refeeding your brain, i promise. it won’t be this hard forever.

you have a disorder. you’re sick. i know you logically know that, but do you internalize it? do you understand that your brain is screaming at you to self destruct because it’s sick? you, yourself, the lovely anon in my inbox, the amazingly strong person who stepped forward to ask for help, do not actively want to starve themself. you don’t truly want this - your disorder is tricking to you. recovery from an eating disorder is no different than physical therapy after breaking an arm. it’s going to be tough, but you need to build your strength back to heal. here’s the thing: until you’re firmly in recovery, you’re never going to feel ready to recover. that’s part of being sick. just like until you’ve gone through physical therapy, your arm is going to hurt! but in the end, it’s all worth it.

food is fuel. food is fuel. food is fuel. you wouldn’t try to drive a car 100 miles on a drop of gasoline, would you? of course not, that’s not how cars work - and that’s not how your body works! think about all of the amazing things your body needs fuel to be able to do. pet dogs, walk through the park, smile at babies, hug your family, read books, whatever you enjoy doing. you can’t drive to the beach without gas and you can’t walk on the beach without food.

this part may be diffiult to accept right now, but keep it in mind anyway: food is just fuel. a stick of celery and a cookie are both fuel, they’re just different types of fuel. we needs all types of fuel to be able to function the way that we want to. that said, it’s perfectly fine to enjoy fueling your body. it’s not a reflection of your character if you bond with your family over a nice meal. it’s not sinful to have a treat when you want one. no food is the enemy, and when you stop seeing food as the enemy, ironically, you’ll have more control over it.

in the same vein as thinking about the things you need food to do, make a list of all of the positive things your body does. i’m not a big advocate for body positivity because it’s just not realistic to think we’re the hottest thing to ever walk the earth every second of every day (heck, not even the people we think are the hottest thing to ever walk the earth think that!) but i do firmly believe in respecting that your body is a work of art that is powerful and utilitarian. you might wish your (body part) was (smaller/bigger/rounder/straighter/whatever) but at the end of the day, your body is a miracle in motion. your nose, however pointy or round or big or small, smells because of billions of years of evolution that collided to create the perfect you that smells. your legs, however long or short or soft or stick-like, are the reason you can walk from point a to point b. they are strong enough to carry you for miles. did you know humans have the best endurance of any animal on planet earth? prehistoric humans stayed alive only because they chased animals until the animals just couldn’t walk anymore. we migrated all over the planet because our legs can take us all the way from africa all the way to alaska. and your legs can do that! isn’t that amazing?

remember: you’re not just eating a scary meal. you’re retraining your brain to have a more neutral view of food. you’re retraining your body to use food as fuel. you’re retraining your willpower to do what you want, not what the disorder wants. mealtimes may be a battle, but you’re going to win this war.

not all of these may help you right away, but they’re good things to be aware of. they won’t all come to you at once. for me, just surrounding myself with these positive reminders, even when i didn’t fully believe them, eventually helped me internalize them.

some extra tidbits:

self care, whatever that means to you, is a huge part of body neutrality and recovery. for me, it’s reading, having a bedtime routine and set bedtime schedule, having a good skincare routine, volunteering, and reparenting myself. for you, it could be playing the obo and painting your toenails. just find what works for you. when it’s hard, think about how you would treat someone you love, or maybe a child that was in your care, and treat yourself that way. eventually you’ll learn to love yourself.

surround yourself with positive people. drop negative people. if someone tries to talk to you about their ~new crazy fried chicken and tissue paper diet that made them lose 9489374 pounds in ten seconds~ explain to them that you’re not the person to be talking aboutt that with. if they don’t respect that, give them the boot. the reason for this is because you need to cultivate a life where you can grow. think about it like you’re a gardener fertilizing the soil, picking the weeds, and watering a plant so that it can bloom into a beautiful flower. your surroundings have a huge impact on your mental health! in speaking of surrounding yourself with positive people,

this video explains exactly how i started recovery.

^ @oatsnjen‘s entire channel did wonders for me. she gives lots of advice about countering diet culture/disordered eating in her eating vlogs. she showed me what a healthy amount of food looked like and taught me that eating a healthy amount of food with some treats whenever you want them won’t make you die of a heart attack.

@whatmiadidnext is generally an amazing channel (though some videos can be stressful because she speaks out about serious issues in society, so just be careful if you’re super sensitive). here’s a great video that helped me realize that recovery is possible, albeit slow. here’s her explanation of intiutive eating. this is really what i based my current “diet” (meaning how/what/when/etc what i eat) on.

i need to follow more recovery/positivity blogs on tumblr, but my faves right now are @carissa-n-cream @chaoticawakening @sheisrecovering @edo-vivendum @queen-of-carbs @peachisty @sketchesinstillness. just generally focus on keeping your surroundings positive!

i reccomend staying away from the “hey guys i eat nothing but organic oxygen and gmo free dirt and do a billion pushups a minute to burn it off and i’m healed from my eating disorder! :-)” folks because they can lead you down a path of pseudo-recovery. i’m not going to call anyone out, but just ask yourself if a blogger/vlogger/tweeter/whatever 1. views food as fuel 2. exercises to care for their health, not to keep a certain body shape and 3. focuses on the positive - it’s okay to talk about the difficult parts of recovery, but it may be harmful if someone has the attitude of “woe is me look how sad and tiny and little uwu i am.” answer for yourself if they’re a good influence on you or not.

good luck anon; my inbox is always open and i’ll be praying for you. 💕

[shwezin]

I'm quite a bland and boring person. I wish I could be loved like everyone else. Someone like you. I feel so lonely. I want to be new person. I don't like myself. I have such a hard time making friends. What can I do to make myself more of a fun person? My anxiety has skyrocketed. My confidence has shrunk. I don't have a support system. My family is always so negative but they're all I have. I hate feeling and being alone. I'm sorry for troubling you. I just needed someone to listen. I'm sorry.

Hi you! First, it makes me so happy that you find comfort and peace in my writings. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your kind words. Let’s be friends. My schedule is about to be hectic once classes start, but I am free for coffee and brunch on weekdays before then. Personally, I think fun people are people who enjoy themselves in whatever it is that they do. Especially if it is things I am not into. Because then I get to show them the things I find fun, and I get to be introduced to the things they find fun.The things you enjoy doesn’t have to be what society deems “exciting” or “fun”. It could be poetry. Riding bicycles. Hiking. Watching your favorite show. Anything! Take pride in what you enjoy. The more you get into the things that you enjoy, the more you are able to connect with others who are just as passionate about the same things as you are. That is what makes you a more fun person. Being passionate about what you are into.It is so important to know our anxiety so that it does not take a hold of us. First, find out what makes you anxious. The next time you feel an anxiety attack coming, or even just a mild anxiousness, stop. Take note of your surrounding, the conversation you are in, the people around you, and locate what brought on that anxiety. By knowing what triggers your anxiety, you are not caught off guard and you can prepare yourself for an oncoming anxiety attack. Second, find out what helps with your anxiety. For me, writing helps the most. By sorting through my thoughts and fears on paper, the act of writing calms me down. Once you figure out what triggers your anxiety and what helps bring it back down, you control your anxiety. Not the other way around.Confidence is so crucial to our well-being and success. Whenever I feel low and lose faith in myself, I write down three things on a piece of paper. Spirituality. Mind. Body. The three things I can work on in improving myself. I do my best to not focus on what I do not have control over (easier said than done, of course). Spirituality. I write down my values and my truths. Then I reflect on whether I am being true to my values and my truths. If not, I focus on one or two qualities/values that I can work on. Mind. I write down how I can work to improve my intelligence, both academic and emotional. Often, this consists of reading more books and watching Youtube videos such as The School of Life. Body. Self-image is really important. It is true that when you look good, you feel good. So take care of your body. Eat healthy. Get into lifting, or running, or a sport. Anything that will keep you physically active. Not only will it improve your physical health, it will also improve your mental health. Family can either be the biggest blessing or the biggest pain in the ass depending on your relationship with them. If there is any relationship worth investing your time and energy in, it is family. I am not sure the type of relationship you have with your family, but if they are not a support system in your life, I do believe it is something you can work on. You can’t change who they are. But you can change the relationship you have with them. You are not troubling me. I do apologize for taking awhile to respond. I wanted to have more time to respond thoughtfully. Thank you for writing me. Thank you for confiding in what I have to say. One quote I always like to think about when I am feeling low is this, “The good thing about hitting rock bottom is that there is nowhere else to go but up.” So I wish you the greatest journey in building yourself back up. I believe in you.xoxoShwe