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#i don't think i've ever been to that street
honeygrahambitch · 3 days
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"And then I told Jack that that is all I can tell him. I can't make up facts about a serial killer just because he is not satisfied with the profile." Will explained as he watched Hannibal chopping a clove of garlic.
Silence.
Not receiving an answer was weird. Hannibal always had to make a comment. Especially when it was a complaint about Jack. Especially when Will rarely ever complains anyway.
But his mind seemed to be completely somewhere else.
"Then, Barack Obama visited our office. I told him he is invited to dinner tonight, I hope you are alright with that." Will said trying to test whether Hannibal was present or not. "Hannibal? What do you think?"
"Hm?" Hannibal finally reacted. "Sounds wonderful."
"Yeah." Will said and rolled his eyes. "Where are you?"
"I'm sorry, darling. What were you saying? You invited Jack over?"
"Yeah." Will replied, sarcasm obvious in his tone. "What's going on with you?"
"Long day. That is why I am really happy about having you here tonight." He said as he walked away from the kitchen isle and kissed the top of Will's head.
"Red or white?" He went on and walked towards the wine rack.
"This is a trap and I am not falling for it again." Will replied. "You are making steak, it's gonna be red. Try harder next time."
"Excellent." Hannibal approved and grabbed a bottle, which he placed in front of Will.
"Yeah, that's white, doctor." Will said. "Are you having a concussion or something?"
Hannibal looked at the bottle again. He had indeed grabbed the wrong one while meaning to reach for the Cabernet.
"Long day. Difficult patients." Hannibal said and fixed his previous mistake then headed towards the fridge to grab the wagyu steaks.
"Wine will fix it." Will declared. "Maybe let me take care of those. I'm not sure you can be trusted with the oven tonight."
"I love you but hands off. While I can admit that your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are superior, I believe my wagyu beef skills are a little bit better than yours."
"Fine. But do tell me about your day. I don't care about your patients, you don't let these things get to you. Tell me strictly about what messed you up."
Hannibal looked at Will and gave in.
"My mind played a trick on me and I've been thinking about it the whole day. It's a really silly occurrence."
"A silly occurrence is when Winston steals my underwear. Or when you steal my underwear. Whatever happened to you can't be silly."
Hannibal smiled.
"I was walking home from where I parked my car. And I passed by the playground from the corner of the street." He started as he placed the steak in the heated pen. He sighed and averted his gaze from Will. "This little girl looked identical to Mischa. Just for one second, I..."
"You believed it was her."
"And then I brushed it off. If you allow yourself to fall for these kinds of delusions you do nothing but harm yourself more. Even if it is just for a second." Hannibal said. "Hope is poisonous just as much as it is healing."
"In the end there is something beautiful in that." Will replied thoughtfully. "Even after a long time you are still able to catch glimpses of people who are no longer here. Be it only a second."
"I agree."
"You should have said something earlier. I do appreciate that you didn't even try to mask it in front of me."
"I am not afraid of looking vulnerable in front of you, darling." Hannibal said lovingly.
"Well done."
"Thank you?"
"No. The steak. At this point it's well-done. You killed the cow for a second time."
The comment made Hannibal anchor himself back to the kitchen and to the poor steak.
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nightxcreature · 2 days
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About Damn Time
A/N: I am certainly not a Sam girl, but I thought that I would try out something for him. Dean is my favorite, the LOML, but I'm trying to expand my horizons when writing, so heres a short one for Sammy. Written fast, edited poorly
Warnings: Drugs...sort of? Forced marriage, unrequited love on one part.
Pairings: Sam Winchester x reader, Dean Winchester x Friend!Reader, Becky Rosen x Sam Winchester
I was nursing a drink at a little strip club in Las Vegas, not exactly the place I wanted to be, but Dean wasn't leaving without hitting up a Vegas club first. He was chatting up the bartender while I sent yet another text to Sam, begging for him to at least tell me he was alive. He had left on a solo hunt a few days ago and we haven't been able to find him since. Dean keeps trying to reassure me that he's fine, but I know he's been messaging him just as much as I have. If not more.
"Hey, he just sent me a text. He's four blocks away and wants me to meet him with a suit." Dean's voice snaps me out of my own head, and I look toward him in confusion.
"Four blocks? I've been texting him all day, why didn't he just tell me that?" I question, mostly to myself.
Dean shrugs and leaves some cash on my table, "Maybe he's just been busy with another hunt. He's probably getting ready to do some fed interviews since he's got me bringing a suit."
I nod and grab my things, following behind him to the door. My phone dings as I get into the front seat, and I scramble to find it.
Sam: Who is this?
Me: What do you mean who is this? It's your girlfriend.
Sam: I don't have a girlfriend, I have a fiancée. Stop texting this number.
Me: Sam, this isn't funny. Dean and I are on our way.
"Dean, I think something's wrong. He's acting like he doesn't know who I am." I say as Dean flies down the street, "Where did he say he was?"
Dean shrugs, "Looks like a wedding chapel. He's probably just posing as a priest or crashing a wedding to get more info."
"But why would he pretend not to know me? He said he's engaged..." I reply placing a hand against my temple, "Something just feels wrong."
"Maybe he's just playing a prank on you. We'll figure it out if he isn't."
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As we step into the building the lights flicker causing Dean to send me a cautious look, pulling out our guns we slowly make our way through the hall toward the main chapel. The lights in the main room are bright and I have to put a hand in front of my eyes to adjust to the difference, finally coming to my senses I suck in a quick breath and stop in my tracks. Sam stands at the end of the aisle, a small smile on his face and a carnation boutonniere attached to his suit jacket. The world feels like it's moving in slow motion as he makes his way toward us, grabbing Deans gun and rushing to put it away.
"What are you doing?" He whispers angrily, dragging Dean to the front of the chapel. I slowly follow behind, unsure of exactly what's going on and where I should stand.
"What am I doing? What are you doing?" Dean asks, shoving Sam's hands off his arm, "Are we crashing a monster wedding or something?"
Sam reaches over and grabs another carnation, pining it to Dean's jacket and handing me a bouquet, "What? No! I'm in love."
Dean glances my way, a curious glint in his eye, "Oh really? Who could've guessed?"
I giggle and place a hand on Sam's arm, "Listen, maybe we should talk about this first."
He sends a funny look my way and stands up straighter, "Why? I know it's a little quick, but I'm in love. I know what I want and it's to get married. Today."
A look of shock passes my face, we hadn't even said 'I love you' yet. I mean, obviously I do love him, he's the sweetest guy I've ever known, but marriage? We don't exactly live a life that allows that most of the time.
"Maybe we should talk about this more in depth first."
"No. I know what I want." He says curtly, his frown immediately flipping upside down when the wedding march begins, and I hear the chapel doors swing open.
"What. The. Fuck." Dean lets out, grabbing my shoulders and spinning me toward the door.
Becky Rosen, the biggest Supernatural fan alive, is slowly making her way down the aisle to my boyfriend.
"What the fuck is right." I whisper, "Sam, what the hell is going on?"
"I love her." He answers simply.
"No, you don't." Dean says, yanking him back from the Elvis impersonator at the end of the aisle, "You've lost your mind."
"No, I haven't! We ran into each other, talked for a while, and I realized that I'm in love." Sam angrily responds as Dean shoves him into a pew.
He turns and points toward Becky and then at the pew in front of him, "You, sit. Now." Becky nods quickly and sits beside Sam, keeping a little space between them that Sam quickly closes pulling her closer, "Let her go, you don't love her. You love her!" Dean yells, pointing between Becky and me.
"I don't even know her!" Sam yells back, pulling Becky closer into his side as she giggles, "Becky is the love of my life."
I roll my eyes, "Are you sure she didn't poison you? This isn't the first time she's tried to get you into her bed."
Becky scoffs, "He loves me, didn't you hear him? I know that must be hard to accept, but it's true."
"Yeah, right." I nod, "Sam, you can't marry her. You don't even know her."
"I already did."
"What?" Dean and I question in unison.
Becky's smile grows even wider, "The ceremony is just for pictures, we signed the papers before you got here."
As she finishes her sentence, Elvis waltzes back up with the bill and Becky stands to follow him. Sam kisses her before she leaves, and I almost throw up.
"Dude, could you stop?" Dean suggests, "This could all be something written by Chuck. We need to figure that out before you go off with your new...wife." He sends me an apologetic look and then turns back to Sam,
"Chuck has nothing to do with this. I'm going back to Delaware with my wife, just be happy for me." Sam stands as Becky reenters the room and they head out the door for their...honeymoon.
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I lay in the motel room alone while Dean is snooping at Becky's under the guise of bringing a gift. He suggested I stay back saying that he doesn't want to cause any problems for the happy couple, but I know that he really just wants to save me the anger and pain of seeing Sam with someone else. How does this even happen? I grab my laptop and click on my search engine, typing in anything that could give us insight into what's going on. Suddenly, Dean bursts through the door with Sam leaning against him and a smaller guy on their heels.
I Jump up from the bed and rush toward them, running my hands over Sam's face as he slowly blinks into consciousness, "What's going on? Is he okay?"
"Demons. He's fine, just tired. Becky was loading him up with some purple potion every day." Dean says as he grabs a beer from the fridge.
Sam reaches over and grabs my hand from where I placed it on the table beside him. He tugs me closer and leans against my chest, "Hey." He whispers quietly.
"Hi."
He sheepishly smiles as he looks up at my face, "Sorry that I forgot who you are."
I giggle and place a hand on his cheek, "You were drugged, I can't hold it against you. Just make sure it's me that you're meeting at the end of the aisle next time, ok?"
He chuckles and stretches up to kiss my lips, "Sounds good to me."
I stop short from touching his lips and smile, "Are you still married? I'm not comfortable being the cause for your infidelity."
He returns my smile and pulls my lips to his in a soft kiss before saying, "I signed the papers before we came up. You're no longer the other woman." He kisses me again and runs a hand through my hair, "I did realize something through all of this though."
"Yeah? Whats that?" I inquire, an eyebrow raised.
"Have I ever told you that I love you?" He asks quickly, a shy blush rising in his cheeks.
"No, but you can."
"I love you." He whispers as he places his lips on mine again, "I really, really do."
"I love you, too." I return, smiling against his lips.
A slow clap begins behind us as Dean steps out of the bathroom, "It's about damn time."
A/N: I said this would be short, but it is not. My bad. Love you guys!
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@lmhf1
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autistic-beanmonster2 · 3 months
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well i'm about to have an interesting day
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xx-j4nu5-c4t5-xx · 3 months
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pascal and nervous in bert and ernie's sweaters
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this was supposed to be a joke post but the demons took hold of me and now it's a fully finished drawing
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heros-shade-fanclub · 3 months
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actually i'm not done talking about termina. do you think that even years after majora's mask link wakes up to rain and instinctively thinks "2 days left"
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bacchuschucklefuck · 3 months
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Can you expand on what you mean by Baron being "too cool" to really fit a horror monster? It's a very interesting concept and I'd love to hear your thoughts. Is it that they're too active/involved/tangible and it detracts from their scariness?
I feel like I should preface this with a wall of disclaimers lmao 1/I am a hardcore, down-to-the-marrow, avid, deeply sincere horror enthusiast, esp. horror creatures. this usually means my mileage is vastly different from the average populace's, and my scaredy bone has been disintegrated by longterm exposure. most things in a piece of horror media won't scare me! so I practically never use that on its own as the scale to talk abt horror experiences, but when something does scare me it's always a special occasion to be treasured. 2/canon d20 is never really meant to be horror horror, and for good reasons: it doesn't fit the company's output, it takes a kind of carelessness in production estimation that is always a huge risk, it's often vulnerable in a way that kinda goes against how TTRPGs usually facilitates vulnerability, and for most people it's just! stressful! d20, even with the "horror-themed" seasons, generally just plays with horror tropes and stays focused in its goal of being a comedy improv tabletop theater show. 3/fantasy high's chosen system is DnD, which as I've mentioned before is before all a combat-based game system, which means the magic circle of play is drawn based on stats that facilitate and prioritize combat. want or not this affects every interaction you have in the game, and given fantasy high's concept from the ground up (everyone's going to school of DnD stuff to get better at DnD) it's doubly relevant. 4/This Is Fine I have no quarrel with this. my meters are internal, I do not ask this show to be anything it doesn't advertise itself to be, and what it is is fucking great! I like it! when I expand on this ask's question it will be like a physicist going insane in a lab. that's the mindset we're going in with.
disclaimers done. my stance on horror as a genre is that it's a utility genre rather than a content genre or a demographic genre; it is the discard of narratives. it's the trash pile. horror, above being scary, is about being ugly and messy, it's the cracks on the ground any story inevitably steps over to stay a genre that isn't horror. the genre's been around long enough to develop a codex and a general language that medias and makers and enthusiasts of the genre can use to talk about and build onto, but if you go into individual pieces there's really no unifying Horror Story. one person's beautiful life can be another's horror story, it's just how it is.
this makes The Monster a deeply intriguing piece of the genre. thing is a monster is in a decent percentage of any story - it's just when the antagonist force steps into something past a certain line traced out in the story's world. monstrousness is in pretty much every western fantasy story, it's in any story with a hero and something to vanquish or win; more than anything it's a proxy of that thing up there. the line in a narrative's world. the monster is the guard of the unknown lands, where heroic, civilized people don't tread.
what does this mean in the context of horror? the genre is about that perceived lawlessness, that "unknown land" so to say. we're in the monster's home. that's the literary context that we often walk into a horror piece with; the monster knows more than you about where you are. it may not understand you, but it holds more information than you, and with that it moves swifter than you, has more covered than you, and is more assured in its existence in this context than you. it's a struggle to catch up to it, it's nigh impossible to get one over it, and you're never sure it'll 100% work, because you just don't have the information necessary to.
with that framing you can kinda see where I'm coming from here: horror's often about the breaking of rules. I always think a monster's most effective when it breaks well-established rules of both existence and visual storytelling. think Possum (2018) or Undertale's Omega Flowey or the Xenomorph Queen - unique change in medium, unique change in graphic, unique change in design language, etc. in that sense I actually really like how canon baron plays out: they don't really function like anything else in the fantasy high universe, the bad kids have not managed to kill them when they've felled literal gods, their domain in fhjy literally introduces new mechanics to encompass their existence! from an experience design standpoint they slap mad shit. BUT! I can't help finding their character, like as a character riz (and the other bad kids, eventually) interact with, to be very... coherent? in design. this is kinda hard for me to articulate in words, it's more often a sense you get once you've looked at enough of these scrumptious fuckers, their general design and the way they show up is just kinda too clean, so to say. always kinda newly made? fresh unboxed. it, once again, makes sense for their lore - they are looking for more about themself from riz - and their function - they're an antagonist in a game experience, they're meant to be interacted with in a way that produces results and meshes with the existing magic circle - but that shininess takes away from the implied history they should have dominion over and the person they're haunting doesn't.
from another angle there is kinda something there about how put-together canon baron is as a concept; the domain they call home is riz's deep-seeded fears, extremely vulnerable things he's drawn borders around to quarantine and refused to walk into. things that from his perspective would irreversibly shatter certain pleasant fictions his world is built on top of. canon baron, While Extremely Cool, I feel is kinda too neat to connect with and signify the apocalyticized mess that'd result from this paradigm shift. the part where they're in riz's briefcase and looking through every mirror is Very Cool And Fucked Up! but ultimately the show draws a line around them as well, by making game-physical, tangible spaces they're in (the mirrors and the haunted mordred manor) and put riz and the bad kids there only when they need to confront stuff. riz is meaningfully narratively away from baron's unknown land for most of fantasy high.
with that and all of my disclaimers in mind my conclusion here is if canon baron wants to be a Horror Monster they'd have to cross way more lines. be a Lot more invasive. hence (holds up my class swap baron like a long cat)
#ask#not art#tldr a lot of fantasy high's and d20's nature plays against having a Horror horror piece in it. there's no space for emptiness or dread#that's one of the most attractive things to me about horror. the monster signifying a new world you don't understand#you see something on the deserted streets and you realize: oh. the world doesn't work how I've been thinking it does#if u've noticed how much this has in common with queer experiences haha. yeag#man. actually I should also put the I Am Not White disclaimer in there too lmao a lot of the notion of The Monstrous is! traditionally#about maintaining and upkeeping a ''social order'' (read: the powers that be)#and a Lot of Wilderness Fiction is deeply and maliciously colonialist#so when I say ''the unknown land'' and ''the monster'' I am pretty much speaking From one of those unknown lands#and from the position of one of those monsters#the fear of the monstrous is so very often the fear of being consumed by - or becoming - the monstrous yourself#and well. when you're already there in the eye of the zeitgeist. You Can Do What You Want Forever#all that to say it Is important to me that baron is made of riz's lies. even more so in this funny class swap thing I make for fun#like as a horror protag he makes me insane. he loves lines! he loves lines he drew himself. he replicates these borders in himself#that mirror the world he lives in that's so hostile to him. that kid Loves rules. he bows to even the ones that hurt him#like. u get where I'm getting to right I did make a whole comic kinda near this subject he's Already The Other#baron is a monster's monster. baron is a mirror image. GODs I cant help but wish they were messier#it's kinda why I make class swap baron to be like. an ever nearing realization. like I warble abt all this but I genuinely do also find#canon baron to be just as visually coherent and thematically perfect as riz if not more. it's hard to beat how cool the mirror stuff is#it's hard to beat that doll face in iconic visuals! I have to strike according to my strength rather than trying to beat canon#so instead of reflection it's captured moments. instead of a blank face it's the lack of one. mmm. maybe I'm just kinda breaking things#for fun also but that's My prerogative in my house awooga <3#well. thats kinda my thoughts on the general subject. thank u for listening. I will bake something soon dyou want some
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It's been well over a week now (maybe two??) but I'm still plugging away (ever-so-slowly) at this vignette about Zara and Rook. Zara's POV is a lot of fun to write, now that I have a better sense of her character. Writing this has really solidified in my mind the kind of person she is and how she acted when she was Rook's captain and mentor. She's very calm and collected in comparison to Rook, even when under a lot of stress.
Anyways, have a little snippet that I'm proud of from today, featuring the origins of the coin trick!
Pacing back and forth across her cabin floor, she rolled the coin back and forth over her knuckles again and again. The motion was easy, almost mindless, more muscle memory than real intent. The coin trick had been her favorite way to soothe her nerves for years now. She’d picked it up out of idle curiosity after watching a street performer dining in a tavern in Bon Largo, who had chatted with her for over an hour as she fretted about something mundane, never once dropping the coin from their fingers. The same performer had later tried to steal her coin purse and ended up with nothing but a new scar for their trouble, but Zara had learned two important things from the encounter: Not to trust a warm smile and a pretty face, and that keeping her hands moving kept her mind from dwelling too much on worrisome things.
one-time tagging @space-writes because they commented on my tags about Rook learning the coin trick from Zara in one of my other snippets from this piece.
#morrigan.text#my writing#dnd#dnd writing#oc: Zara#<- I guess she gets a tag now#dnd vignettes#morrigan plays dnd#ngl this vignette is the first thing that I've written in MONTHS that wasn't the product of a single session of manic typing.#so I'm very very proud of myself for that.#it's currently 4001 words long which is a decent chunk!! And there's parts at the beginning that I skipped over at the time but want to go#back and add to at some point.#plus I'm still not at the end of it yet.#there's more I want to get to.#but anyways: I wrote 231 words tonight and I would have written more if not for the DM of Rook's game finally replying to my messages.#who know maybe I'll still write some more before I go to bed. though I probably shouldn't.#the street performer annecdote was probably 20+ years ago now... probably close to the same time she got her tattoo.#(yes Zara has a tattoo. It was an impulse decision when she was young and she regrets it now. Her crew doesn't even know it exists.#it's of a mermaid sitting in a clamshell and it's on her thigh. Very much a stereotypical silly sailor thing that she got without thinking.#She definitely regrets it and wishes it were gone. But thanks to magic ink that never fades it still looks brand new. So... RIP.)#don't ask me why I know so much about Zara. The funny thing is that I don't even know her backstory. The DM is keeping it from me until we#get to the town where she is. That she somehow became the mayor of????? All I know is that she has some kind of history with Wolf.#from well before Rook ever joined her crew. And that Wolf took Rook to get back at her for it. Whatever it is.#and I have no idea how the fuck a former pirate captain became mayor of a port town lmao. In some ways it makes sense in others it doesn't.#I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.#ugh I don't wanna wait though. I've been waiting to meet Zara ever since I made Rook's character over a year and a half ago.#patience Morri. Patience.
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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obstinatecondolement · 9 months
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Having a random panic attack about my stupid Work Trauma from this year. It never fucking ends.
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nexus-nebulae · 5 months
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brrrrr (/pos)
#weight talk#<- just in case even though this is pos#but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life#like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL#i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL#but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety#partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly#so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up#well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite#and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day????#and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs#highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16#and then it dropped 10#and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER#and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left#like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling#but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back#I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE#and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore#like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards#but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore#I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man#and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic#when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way#and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore#i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat#seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy
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giantkillerjack · 2 years
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As time goes by, I find I am less likely to wake up in the middle of the night to needlessly hate on myself for some random awkward harmless thing I did 10 years ago.
I'm still up in the middle of the night feeling a deep primal urge to needlessly hate on things from years ago, but now it's more just things like
MAN I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE ANOTHER POST ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATED BLY MANOR HUH
#bly manor#the haunting of bly manor#listen. I'm sure if I were to carefully analyze some of junji ito's short stories I would find some of them to be thematically lacking#BUT THEY AREN'T 10 HOURS LONG ARE THEY#truly the worst kind of horror movie is the kind that lasts for over 9 hours and then makes you feel stupid for getting invested#I was tricked by the good acting and the good cinematography into believing that there would be a good story at the end of the day#the kind of ending that just makes you think surely I'm not understanding this correctly surely they didn't mean to say THAT#but then you think about it a little more and it's like oh no I have been bamboozled#I feel the same way about Kubo and the two strings which - like bly manor - really shits the bed in the last 10 minutes#But ultimately this is where it was going the whole time.#I've seen a lot of bad horror movies but none of them have wasted my time like this. I know it was a TV show but#if it had been a movie it at least would have been over relatively quickly and I could have moved on with my life jfc#anyway everyone should go watch Fear Street 2021 it's the only good horror franchise ever made good night#okay it's not the only one but if you want a lesbian horror series that fucking rules#that's the one#Netflix was like want to try The Haunting of Hill House and I was like only if this writer lives at Hill house and I get to do the haunting#original#I mean not having good theming in a movie is one fucking thing but in a cohesive horror series??????#I feel like I went to a restaurant where they don't serve food but they only told me after I waited for the food for 13 fucking hours.#this is not filling this is not nourishment this is BULL
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neverendingford · 26 days
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#tag talk#was talking with my brother about being plural and like. I'm kinda the tough rough protector cliche one#and I was talking about wanting my other half to be happy and he hit me with something I'm still mulling over.#he was like “you talk a lot about wanting her to be happy. does she want you to be happy?”#and like. chat words cannot describe how much that threw me. it's my job to take the blows. to front when we're in danger and in pain.#I don't think she gives a shit whether I'm happy. she hasn't learned to care about me as a separate person.#I care about her because that's my job. I'm the fucking trauma alter or whatever. but she doesn't care back.#and we really need to have this talk once she's back. she's asleep right now cause we've been having real bad migraine and I've been dealing#but once things aren't so bad we need to have a fucking talk#I'm not happy being restricted to a relationship I'm not interested in. I don't want to date our partner and that's whatever#but I can't even go out and get fucked properly because even though *I'm* not in a relationship my second half is.#like. goofy ah situation where two people live in a single body so one of them is celibate in order to keep the other one monogamous#like. how the fuck do I do this? if he calls me babe or baby or my love one more time I'm gonna kill us both I hate it.#she likes words of endearment like that and I would rather die. she likes kissing him but I don't like kissing anyone in general#and this whole time I've been expected to just go along with everything because she just bulldozes me out of the way.#I tried to break up with him and she took over the next day and got us right back together again with apologies and letters#because she's genuinely emotionally happy with him and I'm happy for her because I do care.#but I'm not happy with the situation and I don't think she actually cares that I'm not happy. she's caught up in her own shit#and I'll admit I do like him. the partner. we communicate really well and we kinda click yaknow?#and I really do want to keep him as a friend long term#but I can't fucking do this I'm not monogamous I just wanna go get fucked good and rough and he's insufficient for that#one of these years I want to go to Folsom Street Fair. I've read a ton about it and it looks so fun.#I just wanna be sexually liberated and unfortunately I'm stuck in this body with a hopeless romantic#anyway. we've got a lot to sort out here.#I just. she does care but she gets so caught up in her own shit that she forgets to consider other people.#and weirdly enough I count as other people even though we're kinda(?) the same person#pretty similar music tastes. relatively similar fashion styles. same body and same childhood goes far in making you similar people#and yeah. I'm aware she's the more developed one. I don't get nearly as much screen time as she does. but I'm making up for lost time#idk. if I'm stuck here I may as well make the most of it.#also wanna know something funny? I think I'm the one who's tried to kill us every time. no way she ever had the guts to do it.
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1007xf · 26 days
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Hm? Is it last week of August?? Looks like it's be depressed about how you've not done anything the entire summer and are still the same stunted loser time. Again.
#[vent]#uuuuuuuughhhhh#I feel like all I've been doing is rotting in my room all day and like yeah.that is literally all I have done the past month#I hate everything I hate the passage of time and I.Hate.High School!!!!!!!#I don't want to go back thereeeee#I camnot do 2 more years of that shit#I don't want to go back to being talked about behind my back and at this point straight up bullied by like 8 people at once#and 8 is lowballing it btw#most beautiful years of your life my ass#people my age straight up scare me now I can't be in a room FULL of them everyday for 2 more fucking years#and when I say they scare me i mean like. if I see another older teenager/young adult on the street I will literally start sweating/shaking#I know it's exaggeration on my part but I can't help it anytime I hear anybody laugh in public I just assume it's at me#I may have anxiety problems BUT WHO KNOWS RIGHT#ugh.#and that's all without the fucking.academic performance shit#god my head hurts just thinking about it#hey guys :) did you ever want to :) purposefully get worse grades :) because you're scared if you keep getting good ones :)#you'll get bullied and judged even harder for it :) cause i sure have :)#I can't fucking do that eeither though my parents would kill me#they have high expectations of me and I like it when they praise me....... a part of me just wants praise praise praiss all the time#I wish I was homeschooled#I miss the pandemic#...#(ugh this isn't the notes app bro who asked you)
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yoharrysaidshe · 4 months
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#i know two schizophrenic people and one of them being literally the worst person i've ever met and in my life is kinda wild to think about#the other person i love her i really do and i wish i had the energy to help her rn but i don't#i'm at a breaking point#like yall don't and will never understand mental illness until you see how severely it affects the person and everyone aroun them#like this shit is UGLY relationship destroying life ruining pathogen type beat i hate it here so bad#like the quality of life is abysmal#i wonder how it is to not have to deal with it must be heaven on earth#sorry just wanted to vent and this is kind of barely coherent#thoughts#also the resources to help ppl like this are practically nonexistent and this country needs to burn#at every turn it's been apathetic beaucracy and incompetency#if you don't have monu they said fuck you and die#we gotta burn this place#and honestly it just feels like a bunch of judgement for not draling with the circumstances better sympathetic condolences#and glad-that's-not-me's#really sucks to be us energy fr rn ://#all or our youth is passing us by and its just... beyond our control#mum's wailing in her room in utter despair bc mentally ill sister got evicted bc she's been swiping ppl's packages from their front doors#for months#really wanna d1e#i love the former person this i mainly about (sister) but most days if not every day i hate her is the god's honest truth#but also i get why she's here and how she's got there and relate to a lot of her hatred of everyone and everything including herself but ya#there's too much there#and i'm not strong enough for forgiveness and neither is she#so she's on the streets god knows where with a fucking dog and she's gonna appear tomorrow morning again and ofc we'll let her in#sigh#my sobriety was kinda nice for the last 7 months it lasted
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maddy-ferguson · 5 months
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People really need to read up more on surrogacy, I'm pretty sure those in favor of it just think "Well if the woman wants to do it why not" but there is so much more to it :/ It's extremely exploitative in most cases, not to mention that wombs and babies shouldn't be seen as products to be bought.
exactly thank you...so many different angles to choose from too like commodification of the human body commodification of women's bodied specifically exploitation of poorer women...like TO ME it's liberalism on an insane level
#like any one of these can be developed enough to argue against it#altruistic surrogacy is like well personally i still think that's crazy (but that's probably because i don't wanna be pregnant ever lmao)#but without the money it's different#even though obviously you can say money makes it better but like. idk does it. but like i don't care as much ig#all of this applies to other topics that are like debated in the same way (where you can argue commodification of the human body+of#women's bodies+exploitation of poorer women amongst other things and they can say it's their choice so you shouldn't be against it)#and on other topics even though at the end of the day i feel the same way i've gone back and#forth on it more than i have for surrogacy. like none of the arguments sound convincing to me like at all#and i don't see myself changing my mind anytime soon? like i Have tried i've thought about it but this is where i always end up#in french law it's prohibited because of the first thing you can't sell your organs so you can't rent them for nine months either and#like idk sounds sensible to me! i studied law for three years maybe it's my law student baggage (it's not)#people are debating it again rn and a leftist politician basically said what i said commodification of women's bodies + exploitation of#poorer women and some of the qrts of the video were like wow i don't like [his party] they're so behind on lgbt issues...excuse me what#like we're literally talking about women straight couples gay couples irdgaf i'm against it for everyone and some people are trying so hard#to make it sound like anyone that's anti-surrogacy is homophobic when like yeah obviously to the far-right (and others) it's an excuse to#be homophobic but there's another part of the population you're not considering it's literally been a feminist debate for a long time💀#the law for it in ukraine is very liberal and when russia invaded people were like nooo i have a woman who needs to give birth to my baby#there like oh my god. the exploitation of women from other countries too like it's crazy. (also applies to regular adoption in foreign#countries obviously which is why some countries were like stop. for both adoption and surrogacy for foreigners)#and i say this but it could all be like women with the same kind of money hiring each other and i would still feel the same way because#it's like the principle like i feel strongly enough about the first two. but also there's never gonna be a world where it's just that#(i'm sure tons of couples hire women that wouldn't be like on the street without surrogacy) because it's also a class thing. including the#women in other countries in that#ask
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We had one of Steff's comedian friends staying with us on the weekend, lovely lad called Sam from Singapore. He had never been to Wales before, and he requested that we take him to a Welsh restaurant so he could try Welsh food
That's surprisingly difficult, actually. Like a lot of Welsh culture, our culinary traditions have not exactly been applauded over the years, so you don't really see them. But a lucky Google search revealed a brand new one has just opened in SA1 called the Welsh House, so great! Away we went.
Fuck me, they went all in.
It wasn't just the menu (though fuck me, what a menu - one of their 'for the table to share' options was little mini leek and cheddar Welsh cakes with salted butter and they were paralysingly good). It wasn't just that every alcohol was Welsh, even including the wine (surprisingly good btw, called 'Naturiol'.)
The table centerpieces were daffodils. All signs for the toilets were Welsh only. The walls had photos of Wales, modern and historical; the windows had the fleur de lis; the specials board (pork belly in Welsh cider and damson sauce with honey and wild garlic glazed carrots) had dragons on. I realise this is probably normal for country-themed restaurants, but I've never been to one for Wales before.
But the best bit, see, was the music
I clocked, when we walked in, that they were playing If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will Be Next by the Manic Street Preachers (you always clock the Manics). Ah, I thought. A Welsh song! In a Welsh restaurant! Ho ho ho.
As they seated us, it became What's New Pussycat. Ah! I thought. Another Welsh song! Fu fu fu.
Then they played Monster by the Automatic and I was like my god are they only playing Welsh music?? That's so cool! What an eclectic mix that's going to be. We should suggest to them they should look into Welsh language music too, really mix it up.
And then they played Anrheoli by Yws Gwynedd and lads, Steff and I lost our shit. We lost our fucking shit. Sam's sitting there, utterly bewildered. The staff are nervously edging away from us. We don't care. It's the first time I have ever heard a Welsh language song played outside of a Welsh language setting. We're so excited.
"They're playing Welsh music!!!" says Steff. "Holy shit!!!"
"Imagine if they played Sebona Fi!" I say, humorously.
"Nah," says Steff. "You can't in a restaurant. There'd be a riot, it's faerie music."
"...what?" says Sam
We explain the cultural phenomenon that is Sebona Fi. The song changes: Primadonna Girl, by Marina and the Diamonds.
"She's Welsh??" says Sam.
"She's from Abergavenny!" we beam.
"I don't know what that means," nods Sam, who is from Singapore.
Next: The Bartender and the Thief, by the Stereophonics. We're in high spirits. The extraordinarily Welsh wine arrives, as does the rarebit on sourdough starter. Sam, a gay man, delightedly orders the faggots and peas.
They play Ben Rhys by Gwilym Bowen Rhys, and we lose our shit again. Sam is now used to this, because comedians are adaptable. "They even have daffodils!" I say, misty eyed. "Is that relevant?" Sam asks, fascinated.
They play Hiraeth, by PLU. Hard to explain that one. Very hard to explain the effect it has when it's played in a restaurant, but Sam looks around the suddenly muted room and whispers "Are we in church?"
"It's about Hiraeth," whispers Steff. "So kind of."
Next: the Masses Against the Classes, by the Manics. Utter tonal whiplash. This playlist is not remotely restaurant appropriate. It's perfect.
"You'd think they'd pick like... a genre," Sam says dreamily. "We just went from church to the barricades."
The faggots arrive. "I forgot it would be a western sized portion," Sam says morosely, of what to me is a normal sized plate of food. He tries one, and brightens.
They play Sebona Fi.
The place erupts.
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