#i don't think i'll ever be able to really view myself as good-looking because i've realized that i don't fit my own beauty standards

[genderqueerdykes]

apologies if this is not the place to do so, but I need to talk about being biracial. I deal with a sort of anti-whiteness where I feel genuinely disgusting for not being just black. I feel like a traitor to the black community for having white heritage too and have thought about darkening my skin to hide the traces of a part of me I wish wasn't there. It's like. A sort of racial dysphoria and I don't feel like an adequate black person. It gets really distressing sometimes when I remember my skintone is caused by partial whiteness. Have you ever dealt with this too? I know it isn't an experience unique to me to feel not POC 'enough', but it gets so intense for me that I resent the people responsible for my birth.

i do get where you're coming from, and this is an okay thing to vent about

the unfortunate thing about being mixed race is that there will be people on both sides that will be upset with you- you will encounter white folk who find you too black, and black folk who find you too white. colorism is a big problem and comes from both ends of the spectrum. unfortunately, for whatever reason, interracial relationships and biracial children can really set people off and it's not exclusive to white people. i have unfortunately seen other black folk absolutely tear into mixed black people, especially if they're light skinned. i think what happens is folks start seeing you as a white person masquerading as something you're not, when it couldn't be farther from the truth.

one of my friends for the longest time was white and afro-latino (honduran), and his own family and friends would tell him that he was basically only a white person, despite the fact that his skin was light brown, he had an afro, black facial features, and a black dad who had no white relatives. he himself literally told me that he viewed himself as entirely white because he wasn't "black enough". i felt so sad and angry for him but i didn't know how to word it at the time. i wanted him to be able to be proud of all of the parts of himself, but instead, literally his own friends and family were berating him telling him he wasn't black enough to be proud of that part of himself. every time he told me that he was "too white" to consider himself black, i just wanted to cry. he used to ask me to massage his scalp and help trim his hair. i remember how beautiful his afro was, he took very good care of his hair. he had so much to be proud of and people guilted him out of it.

i feel this as well, i have a hard time wanting to consider myself a person of color at all because folks focus so hard on skin tone. the thing is, when people are biracial, they can look like ANY possible combination of traits from their parents and relatives. sometimes, an interracial black and white couple will have children that look entirely black or entirely white. my neighbor is an older white woman whose current partner is black, and they have a black son. if i didn't know she was white, i wouldve assumed her son had 2 black parents. he doesn't look mixed in the slightest

i have more white in me than i do black, as my father was also mixed, so its hard for me to speak with confidence about this part of myself without feeling like i'll be judged, especially considering that i have not been in the same room as my father in over a decade, and before that, i was not allowed to see him for years due to my parents having a nasty divorce. it took until i was going through a photo album at my sister's house that i saw my dad again for the first time in years and realized he was not white. when i had asked my mom if my dad was black as a child, she told me no and that he "just has a white guy afro".

i went through a lot of gaslighting about being mixed, and i still do. people focus only on my skin tone, and especially how light my face is. it makes me super hesitant to speak about this part of myself, even though i've met other extremely light skinned mixed people. another friend of mine is mixed white/Mexican and he was even more pale than me. he was constantly profiled as just white, but when he would go home at night, his Mexican mother only spoke spanish to him, and he spoke it back just fine. whenever people looked at him they assumed he was 100% white and it really opened my eyes to how diverse mixed people can and do look.

sorry for such a long response, but i just wanted to say that i feel you. it's hard. there's pressure on all sides. there will be white people and black people alike that will feel like you're a "traitor", as if you controlled the people who made you. you had no hand in who gave life to you- these are factors beyond your control, and you don't deserve to feel like an outcast and like you're doing something wrong

you can't control your genetics, nor can you predict what genetics someone has just by looking at them. i'm sorry youve been made to feel this way, but i hope it gets easier for you. i know it's tough to feel like an outcast or a bother on all sides. you shouldn't have to feel like you're stepping on someone's toes just because you were born mixed. you deserve to live a life where you are proud of who you are. i hope things get a bit easier for you soon

[aidenlydia]

I have seen that you are very open about supporting trans people and that your pronouns are they/them. How were you able to understand that you were trans? (If you are.) I've honestly felt so confused lately and don't have anyone I can ask about this. I love your ftm ghost art. I think it is amazing. I just don't know what to do or how I'll ever be able to figure out myself. Totally not your job but was curious if you had advice.

Not sure how helpful this will be, because my trans experience is deeply interlinked with my Dissociative Identity Disorder and Autism, so I'm sorry if this is a bit confusing.

What is Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Terms and Definitions

Autism and Gender

The reason why I go by they/them is because we're literally multiple people. Our two Hosts Aiden and Lydia (aka the alters interacting most with the world outside of our own head) are a man and a woman. We spend all our time together, sharing a body and the control over it.

We used to go by he/she, but people would only view us as a girl because of our body, so we switched to they/them. It makes more sense and feels better to be acknowledged together instead of Aiden being left out all the damn time.

Now bear with me here.

Though Lydia is a cis women, she grew up never belonging anywhere because we're autistic, so she feels like an imposter and a fraud when trying to connect to her feminity. Most days we barely feel human at all because we've been othered all our life. But she still views herself as a woman - motherhood in particular is a big important part of her.

Aiden is a trans man, but he doesn't mind our feminine body and doesn't plan on getting surgery ever. Testosterone maybe, but even that isn't super important to him at the moment. To him knowing he's a man is enough, passing isn't a priority at all. And because all of our Littles are girls he's rather protective of their body - any kind of medical procedure would cause a lot of fear in them.

He realized he's trans because he preferred a male name for himself, short hair and male clothing. It happened very quickly because exploring gender has never been an issue for us, it's fun and simply felt comfortable.

We do have two Agender Alters, but they don't come out in our regular daily life. They don't feel like anything really, they're deeply connected to nature and just want to exist as genderless beings, so they prefer not taking control of our body. It feels peaceful not being put into a box or defined by gender expectations and whatever other bullshit the world comes up with.

In the past we used to have another trans male Host, but he was suffering deeply from gender dysphoria. He couldn't stand the sight of our body or existing in it and became very self destructive about it. Until one day he just stopped coming out and hasn't been back since.

Before I even realized I had DID, gender wasn't really a concept to me. Same with names, it just didn't make sense to me why someone couldn't just change their name if they didn't like the one their parents gave them for whatever reason. I think of people as people, not boys and girls. Sure there are physical differences, but the meanings/genderroles we attributed to them are completely made up.

Folks love nagging me about how I draw my Ghost, but the truth is he can walk around looking like a cis girl and still be a man, I truly dgaf. So what if he's smaller and more delicate looking next to that big bear of a captain, that doesn't make him any less of a man.

The best advice I can give is you don't need to label yourself if you don't want to. You can experiment and just see what feels good. Maybe you'll find a label or make a plan along the way, but don't feel pressured to.

Common things people do is try out a different name, change their pronouns, create and play as video game characters of the opposite gender/sex (or gender non-conforming in general), listen to trans playlists/musicians, shop clothes/stuff in the other section (including underwear or things like jewelry ect), read books or watch movies about different kinds of trans characters, watch video essays about trans topics, create OCs or sonas, look at trans art and watch/read about other people's trans journeys.

Of course there are "what's my gender identity" tests you can take too, idk how helpful those are but I guess they can give you a bit more insight and maybe make you ask questions that you haven't asked yourself before.

Lastly here's a list of gender identities and definitions that might be beneficial to have a look at, as well as my trans resource list I put together last month about what can be done to change your gender in various ways

[distortedataraxia]

"Life isn't just about fun."

Y/n x sk8 the infinity (platonic)

wordcount : 14,587

Type : one-shot

Warnings : mention of hospital accident, school related bad memories (?) swearing/cursing, negative thoughts, and i think that's about it!

Author note : Hi! It's been really long since i posted, i wanted to challenge myself to write something way longer than usual, and i've been pretty down in the dumps so it's hard staying active. I'll get to your requests soon, i'm sorry it always take so many months for me to catch up to them! I hope you'll appreciate it nontheless, it's the first time i write a one-shot so long, don't hesitate to send in a few advices if you want! I hope this isn't too much out of character and that y/n can be relatable. It's not easy writing a relatable y/n. I tried to have a moment for each characters but kinda failed, i hope that's okay and that i can write each of them better overtime! Well, now that's out of the way, i hope you enjoy! ★take care ★

The summer holidays have been good, despites the overwhelming heat making you sweat to your heart content.

You could handle the heat with your friends around you while making sure to stay dehydrated, really, whenever you went to see your friend weither it was to eat at a restaurant, harass shadow, skate around random places, try new tricks, race at S, discuss about skateboards and make skateboards : you could rarely every worry about the heat. It's like the heat never existed in the first place, but of course, as soon as you get home you will inevitably notice a shower is reallly necessary if you don't want to turn into a glue stick human form of thing just by sweating.

Time really does fly by when i'm around my friends.. you think to yourself, the summer holidays are coming to an end very soon..

And every nights i feel it.

This is going to be a long night for you, a very long night.

There is no better feeling than staring at a wall with closed eyes. If that makes senses.

In fact, you couldn't really sleep, you kept waking up every 2 hours, scared of missing your alarms, afterall you'd be bummed out if you were to miss your first day of school. It's not that you enjoy going to school at all, it's just that if you'd miss the first day of school you'd probably get into troubles with your parents, and you'd feel double lost at school, which isn't so cool to be honest.

So you kept trying to sleep, rolling around in your bed to try to find a comfortable position, and… stay here until you stop crying. Because yes, tears were leaving your eyes right at that moment, your eyes were burning and your head was hurting and it was hard to sleep. Breathing was a bit troublesome, it might seem dramatic, but you still felt all of these wandering emotions anyway.

You had some fears concerning school, or a lot of fears. You remembered all the bad years you spent, having to complete your homework in time and stay good enough to your teachers and parents no matter what, forcing yourself to try to even listen to the teachers' lesson and remember it, having to suck up all the weird looks from your classmates whenever you answered something dumb or did something weird from their point of view, while you had to look unaffected whenever the teacher or your classmates said something dumb… School wasn't a place where you could be yourself, it wasn't a place where you could express your opinion, it's not a place in which you're ever good enough, not a place where you feel able to develop any sort of potential if you had any, and it's not a place in which you had fun at, if anything, all the bad years at school were just taking colors away from life, a lot of colors. The endless homework to finish at night wasn't so pleasant aswell, you could remember the allnighter or allnighters to catch up on your homework or lessons. Hours of class felt more like a black hole sucking up all of your energy, what was the use of having energy and going through the day if you're going to do this your whole life? Was something you thought more than once or twice.

What if it happens all over again?

You really hopped to stay in the same class as Reki and Langa this year, but it wasn't for sure, you guys could be picked to be in different classes for all you know, why do you have to even change classes every years? It's a breeze when your class sucks but not when your class is actually somehow not that bad. And what about all the new people?

When you weren't in their class, you could recall zoning out more, dissociating more. Strangely enough, they usually seperate people from their friends so that they focus on the class, but you're more prone to focus if your friends are here, let alone, if they ask for your help with any homework, you feel a kind of responsability and a will to help, so your grades uncounsciously got better so that you could help out Reki who's being late on classes because he's staying up late to skate at S and barely listening at class, so you could also help out Langa who's having struggles taking notes and understanding everything, because even if he spoke japanese, he still had a hard time to adapt. But even if your grades were to be lower or not different, it felt way better when you were willing to work for it not just to not get in troubles, but also to help your friends. Maybe it wasn't entirely for you in that case, but it already felt better.

But whenever you mess up and feel unable to help, it feels bad. You actually had a bad dream once in which messing up continuously during group projects with your friends led them to burst into tears because it was really too much.

There's just, a lot of things to worry about. You have to study about your future, you can't just skate all day long and have fun with your friends, and they'll be fine without you, life isn't like that, it's not just about fun…

Ah…

You stared blankly at your arm.

You absolutely dreaded this day. School for you was like a survival game, you'd play, try not to fail and lose just like you'd go to school everyday and try to keep everything up to just not fall apart.

Well, to be honest, last school year was a bit more manageable with Reki and Langa around, surprisingly enough, they made your days at school usually less boring, and if the all three of you guys were unhappy or not doing good, you could complain together ; About the teacher's teaching methods, the way this or that spoke to you, the way you got caught watching skating videos instead of reading-

You could really cool down a bit with them around, things were way less stressful than they could have been. And somehow you felt more productive with less pressure felt.

So, in the end, maybe it wasn't that bad, you could get to spend more time with Reki and Langa, and you wouldn't have to die to the summer heat.

Or maybe not, maybe you won't end up in the same class, maybe you won't feel brave enough to sneak your phone between your pages to pretend to read anymore, maybe you won't be in a good class, maybe you'll get picked on by your classmates and maybe-

afterall, it is true that you could spend much more time with Reki, Langa AND your other friends outside of school, if they weren't on vacations without you that is. School can be a real seperation factor for friends, and it sucks, it can be very isolating.

But school is important, nontheless.

I think.

Are the all-nighters productive? Are they healthy? The stress, the social fears, just… everything overall that comes from school, except the time you spend with Reki and Langa and the rare lessons where you learn something that is actually helpful for you.

Probably not.

You've tried not to think about it, but really, the more time passes, the less you're able to sleep well or spend your days without worrying as to weither or not you're making the best of the summer holidays, without feeling guilty for doing nothing when the heat is killing you or you're tired. Time is so scary, the meaninfgul times fade away so fast, and you lose so much occasions on making the best of your life, time always gets you.

Finally, the morning came, you could hear the birds sing, the sun was shining through the curtains, making you regret ever opening your eyes who were now burning at the burning source of light, you wanted to hide under your pillow and blankets and never see the light again. Why get up when you can just sleep ? Your alarm rang, it gave you a headache, a headache that'll follow you probably all day long, you had to get up now. Goodbye to the everyday without worrying of what's coming next day. What a life.

I mean, everyone has to work or go to school, it's society, it's just life, there's nothing to complain about, be grateful that you have it easier than some people. Or even, most people.

Besides, you still have Reki and Langa right? It'll be okay, right? Even if you don't end up in the same class, you could look up to every ends of the days to skate together and every mornings to skate together, same for the free time.

That is, if your schedules aren't too different and if you even have the energy to skate and hang with your friends, you could remember days in which as soon as you'd get home, you'd fall to your bed, fall asleep and skip dinner, only to have to catch up on your homework in another stressful morning and find something to eat in the fridge your family emptied the night before.

School is back. Holidays were great, but everything came to an end. Nothing ever last forever, does it ?

You yawned and tried to stretch yourself to wake up but your eyes were shutting tight, your every single thoughts begged you to fall back asleep and rebel agaisnt whatever keeped you awake, before you knew it, 5 minutes already passed. If you wouldn't have put multiple alarms to wake you up every minutes, the amount of time in which you were late would have greatly multiplied, by ten maybe, well, if you were never late because of that ; that's because you skated very fast to school or ran. These alarms really pain you but they still save you, a great plenty of time, you probably would have been late right now without them. On the first day of school, your sleep schedule is not even set on time.

Be grateful.

You sit up and get up, feeling every ounce of your body wanting to fall down and just lie in the ground to sleep, you try your hardest to motivate yourself to get dressed, making a mess out of your wardrobe, you'd have to clean that later and put your clothes in order, or deal with it and have your parents scold you for it until next holidays, but really all the thoughts that came to your head were negative, you didn't even bother to think about your friends yet, you just wanted to sleep it off, sleep it off so much you wanted to cry, get away from reality. As you kept getting lost in your thoughts, your arm hits your wardrobe and furnitures.

Ouch. The hit was a bit brutal, you were stressed and you were scared. Your arm felt like it was burning, why did you have to get that arm hit and not the other? How lucky can you get? Is it a lack of luck or is it just your problem for not sleeping enough?

And before you know it, you already have to leave your house in 5 minutes. 5 fricking minutes, and you just got dressed.

Mornings were really fast, especially if you're as tired as you are right now. You could get up and leave your bed and you already have only 10 minutes left to somehow get dressed, eat, brush your teeth, check that everything is ready, make sure to use the toilets, wash your hands, and happily get out of the house with your skateboard to get to school! How you loved going to school every mornings!

Well, last year you could feel positive going to school most days, it's the year when you met Reki and Langa at, one of the most liveliest years of your life. But now that you know them, you rather spend time with them outside of school.

You were tired, completely tired, your heart was beating fast, so fast and hard it was hurting, like some sort of drums inside you, the bat would dum- dum- slap your heart out just to keep you awake. You could barely keep your eyes open, your hair was a mess, all you wanted to do was hide yourself under your blankets until the school year ends. You only want this to be a dream, it's just a bad dream, school never existed… Is hiding and denying all you're ever good at?

But maybe that's a bit harsh, isn't it ?

What a great start of the year, surely the year wouldn't go well if you kept that up.

You didn't have time to eat breakfast, or else you'd be late, so you started walking out of your room and you fought the stairs. Not literally don't worry, we respect stairs here

As you were about to step out of your house to get to school you receive a message on your phone on a groupchat. A groupchat between you, Reki and Langa.

"Y/n, we're waiting for you at our usual spot, where are you?? :("

You smiled, for a second there, you felt like summer holidays were still going on. You felt as if you had nothing to worry about. Your friends were really important to you, they held a special place in your heart. And they made you look forward to everyday, everyday felt more like a pleasant surprise with them around. Maybe just maybe, you don't have to worry about this school year.

Or maybe you do, maybe you do have to worry about this school year.

The messages having reminded you to take your skateboard, you grabbed your skateboard after turning off your phone, almost forgetting to take your skate, almost forgetting about how you got into skateboarding and almost forgetting the entire last year you've spent with Reki and Langa. Too busy overthinking about the past years before that one.

Maybe it was better to expect the worse to not have your hopes crushed, but would that make you happy?

You put your phone in your backpack, left the house, and pushed to get to your skateboard, trying to be careful of where you're riding despites your attention span being lower, trying to keep your foot well positionned and not accidentally press your back foot against the tail of your skateboard which would make you.. fall off if you press hard.

Skating was a bit harder this morning, the thought of school came back to you very soon and it drew out your motivation fast, very fast.

You were really tired so it was hard, but the thoughts of your friends cheered you up a bit, so you skated to your usual meeting spot, thinking about how Reki and Langa must be waiting for you right now. And soon enough, you recognized a shining red-head and a outstanding blue-head, you surely couldn't miss them by accident even if your vision was blurry, not a lot of people around there has had their hair dyed.

You wondered, would reki's head shine more with no hair or does it shine more with red hair?

They finally noticed you skating towards them, they turned to you, it seems like Reki was staring at his phone while Langa's head was peeking over his shoulder to see the screen. You waved at them and they waved back, you smiled instinctively, until you suddenly fell of your skateboard and rolled down the floor, making sure to protect your head while trying to keep your other arm safe. But you still hurt your arm, which is sadful.

"Ouchhh-" you yelped, usually you'd laugh whenever you fall of your skateboard, it was silly, you fell off because you kept your eyes on your friend and not the floor. You liked them just way too much. But you just didn't feel the energy in you to laugh, something just didn't click inside, you couldn't laugh. Maybe you're just grumpy because it's the morning, maybe you're just not in the mood. Whatever it was, you didn't feel the willpower to laugh it off as you usually do.

"Y/n !" Reki screamed running towards you "Don't be reckless, you hurt yourself at your last race ! " he crouched down to your level "here, let me help you" he took your arm and checked your bandages "did you even change them!? He asked frantically, eyes focused on your bandaged arm, as Langa walked towards you and caught your skateboard for you. —I forgot. you answered, in an honest and tired laugh, it was so hard getting even dressed in the morning that you forgot to check your bandages. —This can't be good.. The redhead sighed and looked at Langa Langa, pass me the bag Langa tossed him his bag over, hitting Reki in the face Ouch ! That wasn't cool Langa ! he complained —Sorry, i didn't mean to, are you hurt ? The blue haired boy panicked —No, i'm fine, anyways… Reki's hand searched for something in the bag Ah there it is ! He got his hands out of the bag and took out a disinfectant and some bandages Now let me check that."

Reki always had this sort of thing ready in his bag, as getting hurt is common when you skate.

He inspected your arm and your wrist, your bandages were getting red, he got rid of them to check your injuries "Oh they're healing faster than i thought, even though they should have already been healed, thank god they're still healing though. But you're bleeding." He smiled, almost motherly to you, making sure that you don't panick, the thought of reki as a mother was very funny to you as it crossed your mind, but the cursed images of reki being pregnant following your thoughts were more cursed than funny "I'm gonna have to use disinfectant, Just tell me if it hurts okay?" he uses the disinfectant carefully, you groaned in pain a bit but it was fine. "There we go." he then proceed to put some new bandages over your arm and wrist, and Langa complained " you never took this much care of me whenever i bled. —You never got really that injured, you only ever bled, it's nothing we all bleed from time to time when we skate. Reki tried to explain himself, still focused on your arm. —You let me faint. —Oh shut up, i panicked and ran to you for the record. —Like a prince in a shining armor ? you asked, randomly, Reki stopped bandaging your arm for a second, only a second, and then he continued bandaging your arm. —I wasn't charmed, I was already uncounscious. Langa argued —Are you falling in love with Reki or something Langa? You wanted to be charmed? You tried to tease him, Reki just finished bandaging your arm and jumped over to turn around and put the stuff back in his backpack, seeming a bit agitated and quick to hide his face, he then spoke —Don't say things like that y/n ! We're bros, nothing like that —I was speaking to Langa, not you. —Oh you get what i meant ! "

You didn't continue trying to tease them, this was largely enough and you enjoyed the way Reki was talking to you but turned away from you and Langa was just staring at the both of you completely zoned out, dumbfounded.

They were really fun to be around with. Your morning was already much less depressing, Reki really cared for you and Langa did too. You reallly hopped to be in the same class as them, even if you felt like a thirdwheel, you don't want classes schedules to disrupt your common routines.

For a moment there, it felt like you guys were already in the same class, but would that be too optimistic? Should you actually hope?

"So… Are you guys, perhaps… excited for school ?" you asked, curiously. They looked like they had much more energy than you, it's as if summer holidays never actually ended. Their face looked so bright, they seemed so happy and careless, as if summer never really ended. Reki and Langa looked at you curiously, finally, Reki spoke ;

"Definitely not. —Eh!? How can you have so much energy then!? I don't get you. —Personally, Langa speaks I'm excited whenever i can spend time with you or Reki, and school is important to me, i need to improve my japanese skills and understand how things work around there. Langa explained, honestly. —Right… Well, as long as i'm not a thirdwheel. —Don't even say that word, it makes me think about my final race with Adam. Reki groaned thinking about it, he acted like he was going to puke, Langa chuckled. —Was that race this bad? You were really good. —It was fun but.. I really don't enjoy skating against Adam and you know that Langa, i don't get you, you almost died when racing him down that crazy path last time ! —Oh, that's true. Langa recalled, having actually forgotten this detail —You really looked like you were falling mindlessly, you weren't even moving and then you suddenly moved and took your skateboard and won the race, what even got into you? You really scared me you know? I was worried. You both are crazy, you got injured last time too y/n Reki spoke, with a genuine troubled expression on his face. —Reki, you get injured much more than i do. You spoke, with a stern voice —The word fun saved me. Langa spoke, out of the blue, with full honesty in his voice —What? You mean the word fun we put on your fixed skateboard?"

Reki turned to Langa with a curious face. You looked at the time, you guys were already going to be late at this rate, you coughed "guys, we're going to be late." your tone was a bit harsh, but you really didn't want to be late.

"Oh crap! Langa, y/n, let's go ! " and there you guys went, skating to school, fast.

Your friends looked very energetic, it killed you that you couldn't be as energetic, honestly, it's been a few days or weeks since your energy drastically dropped to the thought of school, and you couldn't tell if your friends noticed, but you were afraid to be a burden to them. They were shining so bad, and you were starting to feel like you were staying in the dark, maybe you always were in the back afterall, but everytime, it seemed Reki, Langa or Miya found a way to cheer you up or make you feel like you belong.

Reki and Langa did a few ollies and some random tricks while you just cruised. It's crazy how they're late and still able to flex, have fun and pull up some tricks. Well, it was like this last year too.

You met Reki and Langa at school, and met your other friends at S, and these friendships really made your life much more brighter. Could it be constantly the case though? What if they were the one brightening up your days - but you weren't the one brightening up their days ? That thought hit you a bit inside, like a small bullet passing through your body, but slowly, and with barely enough pain, you felt a small wave of negative emotions, it hurts a bit, but you felt a bit empty, in a way.

You felt the air pass through your lungs, burning, as the cold air hits your face, and finally, you reached school. Somehow you made it despites the overwhelming feeling that the air is so heavy it'll crush your bones.

School is back. ~

You slid your skateboard behind your backpack and walked to your assigned classroom after the school announcement concerning the begginning of the year, you were not in the same class as Reki and Langa, of course.

That's not all that mattered though. Your grades mattered too.

You're not going to die by working a little and spend less time with your friends, come on. You could still spend time with them nontheless later.

Before you go, you exchanged a small wave in Reki and Langa's direction, they waved back; these two were in the same class it seemed. Maybe they were better without your grumpy-self though. They seemed much more happier than you were, were you just overthinking and dramatising everything?

You reached your classroom and when the teacher told you to, you sit down, taking the sit at the back, avoiding to talk to anyone. Why bother? Approaching people isn't on your to-do list at the moment.

The class was already loud and obnoxious, just like a circus. You paid no attention to the noises and as to avoid getting bothered by the noises, you stared at your desk and zoned out, thinking about all the times you went skating with your friends. It was the only thing you wanted to think about right now.

Despites your efforts to not be bothered by all these voices, you still heard a few people talk

"The manager of the fruit stand always sat and only sold vegetables —What!? You mean the fruit stand down your street ? —Yes, atleast the vegetables are cheap. So me and my mom always go there the saturday mornings. —I wouldn't buy my vegetables there if it was a fruit stand only selling vegetables…"

This random conversation you heard was completely unrelated to school, you sighed, but who were you to care? It seemed like people knew each other, you were probably going to end up alone this year, is it so bad though?

The teacher coughed and asked for everyone to be quiet, and the class continued talking. Why were you even here? This is supposed to be the first class, usually during the first classes people should be quiet, atleast on the first classes of the year. But who were you to talk? You can't lie, you really wished you could talk to Reki and Langa like this right now, but you guys aren't even in the same class.

Between all the talks you could hear, you heard another one, still completely unrelated to school, there was a brown-haired girl talking to a black haired boy, the girl looks cute you thought, the boy spoke : "Why do you LoOOooOOOoOve me Stanley? —I like your blue eyes. She replied as if it was a sufficient reason to like someone —Why did you only tell me now ? He stared at her with his PieRcIng BlUe EyEs —I didn't want any new girls stealing you away from me. Your classmate declared in full confidence —…Wow so possesive grrr~ He said before the two burst out laughing —You're so stupid the girl chuckled, a smile on her face —Stupid for you ? he asked, playfully "

And there you witnessed a newborn couple that was probably going to last a few days or weeks, on the first day of school.

Everyone didn't look like they cared about the first class. You wished you could not care aswell, but you cared, you cared a plenty lot, this was supposed to be important. You couldn't not care with all these anxious thoughts going on in your head.

Why can't i see? you thought to yourself, wondering why you couldn't see things the way your other classmates did. Everyone else seemed so much more happier than you did. Why do you have to be like this? Why can't you see things the way they see things? Why do you have to mess up so bad on this?

When you finally stopped your thoughts and snapped back to reality, you noticed the new couple stopped talking and were looking at you whispering some things. Shit, you stared too long. You quickly turned to look at your desk.

Finally, after some time the teacher managed to get the class to be silent, he presented himself, talked about how everything works this year, and asked everyone to present themselves one by one, to break the ice… apparently.

A girl on the left front beggined ; "My name is Mallory and i love riding horses on my free time. —You mean men? the boys snickered"

Long after that, it is finally your turn to present yourself.

"Uhm, i'm y/n.. and i love skating with my friends. —You have friends!? Someone random in the class exclamed themselves, even though they barely knew you for even an hour, some people laughed and the teacher told the class to be quiet"

It's crazy how people make assumptions on even people they never talked to and saw for only minutes of their lives. This is gonna be a long class, ice breaker wasn't really working out, was there even ice to break to begin with?

School is back, i guess. ~

The class ended, it's finally free time, you went to sit on your skateboard at the rooftop, the place you, Reki and Langa discussed going to if you were ever seperated at school and wanted to meet up. Eventually, Reki and Langa walked up to you.

The class was long, everyone was loud and judgemental, it was… definitely great.

"Hey, y/n" Langa spoke with a gentle voice "Wanna go skate in the playground ?" he asked and you looked at him, with a frown on your face "we're gonna get in troubles again, and i'm injured, for you to know." Langa insisted "But you still skated this morning despite your injury, and it could be fun, you seem down, come on come with us" he almost pleaded, you couldn't say no to him at this point, reki finally spoke "I mean it's your choice if you don't wanna skate i understand, but you're acting just like you were when we barely knew you, come cheer up a bit with us, won't ya ? If we get in troubles i'll take the blame if that reassures you." you looked at Reki, with a curious look on your face "How can you even take the blame for something like this ? —I don't know, I'll come up with something. Reki shrugged, you looked at the floor, a bit hesitant, but ended up saying —Fine fine. you saw the boys' eyes light up —Let's go then ! "

You stood up and took your skateboard with you.

You guys ended up skating at the corridors before reaching the playground, of course, a teacher was there and you ended up having to run away from a teacher with your skateboard in hands. You guys were caught as always and got in troubles, Reki did his best to put the blame on him but it didn't work out, now you three have to stay after school and help the janitors clean, atleast it's better that it's the three of you guys in troubles than only Reki. Ah, and the teachers took your skateboards, Reki literally groaned and Langa looked like he was going through all the stages of grief at that moment.

"Oops? Reki muttered under his breath when the teacher finally left you guys I hate cleaning He complained innocently —If it's with my friends i think it's okay, i help my mom clean the house most times. Langa said, looking as if he was recalling all the times he helped his mom with the laundry, the cooking and the overall house chores, as her husband died, Reki turned to you and spoke —Sorry, we didn't want to get you in troubles, we just thought you'd cheer up a bit since the first school day doesn't seem to be going well for you- —How was your class guys ? you asked out of nowhere, after having zoned out, cutting reki's speech off as if it was nothing —Huh!? Oh uh, i don't know, i didn't really pay attention, the window was more attractive. Reki answered, taken a bit off guard you didn't pay attention to what i was saying thou- —You mean the reflection of Langa next to you was more attractive? —How did you- i mean, no homo though. Reki scratched the back of his head, a bit embarassed, these two were so obvious, you stared at Langa, he seemed zoned out —Langa ? you called to him, he looked at you and then he said —I'm confused. —What are you even confused about ? Reki asked, with a nervous voice —I'm confused: when people ask me what's up, and I point, they groan."

You facepalmed.

"Dude?! When people ask you what's up they ask you how you are, not what's literally up ! Reki spoke, dumbfounded —Japanese is difficult. Langa remarked, thoughtful, looking at the ground —You mean english is difficult!? Reki retorted, remembering the many times Langa tried to teach him something in English —I guess any language can be difficult for anyone."

You were not participating in this conversation, staring in disbelief at Langa.

you zoned out, thinking about the way your new classmates were staring at you in class, and all the whispers you heard in your direction.

"say y/n, how was your class ? Reki turned to you, curious I mean, you're not in the same class as us and you asked us so.. —It was fine. "

Your answer was short and automatic, you know that tone and voice when you reply automatically and it's technically you talking but it doesn't feel like it's you - like you don't even think the words you say but somehow they leave your mouth as if they were the complete truth ? As if you had to answer this specific answer at all cost to protect yourself and act like it's the truth, so much you replied without thinking ? That's exactly how you felt when you spoke, and you hated it. You couldn't control it though, your brain decided it was best to lie.

And yeah, maybe it was best, Reki and Langa didn't have to know about anything, you didn't want to make them feel akward. I mean, it's always this way, whenever you feel the slightest bit down, everyone is always akward or replying "ah" or "oof" or "Sorry", it's as if what you said bothered them in a way, and you just didn't like it.

You noticed Reki and Langa exchanged a glance, did they notice your weird behaviour and caught on your lie or is it just a gay-type of glance ?

You continued talking, trying to sound convincing "I mean, the class was rather loud but it was pretty funny, there was this newborn couple and the guys joked around a lot-"

The bell rang, it was time to seperate again. Thanks god the bell interrupted you, because you didn't even know what you were saying. Still you didn't want to go back to the classroom, you wanted to stay with your friends.

"What? Already!? Reki complained, looking like he was going to be out of his mind if the bell rang one more time —Please focus this time Reki, instead of staring at me. Langa remarked, blankly, it took Reki off guard —I wasn't staring at you i was staring at me ! He defended himself, he put his arm over Langa's shoulder and tried to coonvince him I was staring at my hair because i thought about getting an haircut, you know ? You noticed sweats appear very fast on Reki's face —Right. Langa spoke, half-convinced You never changed your haircut in over a year, you only ever take your headband off when you're mad at me. —Let's go to class now, i need to tell you something. Reki changed the subject and started walking away, before turning to you and waving See you on the rooftop at lunch y/n ! "

You guys waved at each other, and you went back to your class. It was loud, once again, and you could hear a bunch of random conversations again, unamused.

"My uncle's favorite pastime was building cars out of noodles. —How do you even -"

"You know my favorite song? It kinda goes like this, tired of explaining, as these seasons keep on changing —Is this even Japanese…? —No it isn't."

"Which is greener, purple or red ? —Red is greener than purple, for sure. —Look at that color circle, purple is closer to green than red is ! —Does that even mean anything… Purple is made by blue and red, why wouldn't be red greener ? "

"What do these results on this quiz mean ? —You're like the peanut butter. The creator said so. —Wha- but i wanted to be a cheese! so that i could be cheesy with rome- —You're not always who you want to be."

The teacher eventually got the class to quiet down and called for everyone's names one by one to check weither they were present.

Your name wasn't pronounced, weird. But you paid no attention to it.

The teacher begun with an history lesson, a classmate raised his hand and asked something, he wondered why at 18 he was old enough to go to war, but not old enough to buy cigarettes.

You couldn't focus, your head was heavy, until eventually, you noticed the teacher was looking at you.

"Uhm, excuse me.. he called out to you, not pronouncing your name, he coughed, akwardly —Yes ? you asked, a bit taken off guards, were you going to get in troubles for not listening ? —What's your name ? He asked, a bit unsure of his question, staring at a paper, the class was looking at you —y/n l/n —Hm let me see… no you're not in this list. The teacher remarked Weird… What class are you supposed to be in ? —This class sir, it was written on the paper. you show the paper and the teacher examinates it, he looks embarassed —There must have been a mistake somewhere, maybe this is why Aoi haruka isn't here, let me contact my colleagues."

The class was silent, and after a few minutes, an adult came to the class to pick you up and lead you to your class, when you left the classroom, you could hear whispers in your directions, the adult apologized to you explaining your name got mixed up with someone else.

You walked with the adult, reaching another classroom. They knocked on the other classroom door and explained the situation to the other teacher.

"Please excuse me, we mixed up the names and got two students mixed up, i'm here to put y/n l/n here and take Aoi haruka to her actual class. —Oh uh, it's okay… Aoi haruka, please go, and uh.. y/n l/n, please go sit down"

The teacher looked a bit embarassed by this situation.

You entered the classroom, a bit nervous, everyone was looking at you, you looked at the whole classroom to search for a place to sit at, and saw a girl standing up with her backpack and stuff and leaving the classroom, it must have been Aoi Haruka. You looked at the seat, it was next to Langa.

You were in Reki and Langa's class in the end.

You could feel immense relief when you realized, and went to sit down next to Langa, Langa and Reki looked at you curiously, there's a paper on Langa's desk, there's sentences with a very good japanese writing on it next to bunch of badly written japanese sentences, Reki and Langa were probably passing notes about something, you could read a few words from the distance, but only a few, you managed to read your name and the words mission and lie.

What were they planning? When you think about it, what if they were talking behing your back like the other people who you thought were your classmates probably did ? You decided to shake it off, you were probably going too far. You want to trust Reki and Langa… Don't you? Aren't you a good friend?

…

Yeah.

Reki whispered something to Langa, and Langa then leaned his head towards you to whisper something to you.

"Reki asks what are you doing here —My name got mixed up with someone else, i was apparently supposed to be here"

Langa leaned his head back towards Reki and whispered to him what you said, Reki gave you a thumb up.

You smiled. Maybe you were luckier than you thought.

And maybe they weren't.

the class passed, it was way much better, the other class was kind of funny to be honest, but it was really tiring on the first day and they didn't seem to like you so, it's really better this way, and you get to be next to your friends.

But you need to focus on your school work don't you? You can't always hang out with your friends and have fun, life isn't like that, you need to work and be responsible. Be grateful you have it easier than other people, make the best of your school time because it will be harder once you start having a job.

Ah… right.

The teacher talked and you started taking notes, struggling because your wrist hurt, this is the wrist you usually write with, it's injured since your last race at S. Langa looked at you.

"Do you need any help ? he asked, with a calm expression on his face and a tint of worry —No it's okay, i rather not bother you, besides i can't even understand your writing. you whispered back, a bit harshly at the end, you internally slapped yourself for it. —L/n, is there anything you want to share with us ? The teacher spoke, looking at you, your classmates looked at you, you hated it —Uhm actually sir, their wrist is injured, so i was asking them if they needed help. Langa spoke instead of you —Thank you Langa but I was asking L/n to talk- —I CAN HELP ! reki raised his hand and exclaimed himself —Alright… Thank you for your enthusiasm Reki… the teacher replied, looking like he gave up at this moment —Sit next to me, y/n reki spoke —Ah yes… Langa, could you please exchange your desk with l/n's for the class from now on until their wrist heal ? —Yes. Langa moved and you guys switched desk, it looked like Langa was a bit sad to not be next to Reki anymore, but he was happy to be of help in any way —Thank you, Reki, Langa you mumbled, Reki smiled to you —It's nothing "

You got injured after a race at S a few days ago, you were racing Reki. You weren't doing so bad during the race until you thought that if you got injured maybe you wouldn't have to deal with school, and coincidentally, you lost balance, rolled down to the side, and hurt your arm and wrist. Reki was upset and worried and your skateboard continued rolling until it fell off a cliff and you never saw it ever again, but Reki had a spare skateboard for you, thankfully.

The class passed faster than the last class, Reki helped you and took notes for you, though he was pretending to take his notes about the lesson, his notes were mostly about skateboarding if anything, he looked more focused to help you though. Reki seemed kinder to you than usual, it's not that he's never kind, he's always been kind, but it felt a bit more insistant this time. ~ The bell rang, you put your stuff in your backpack and Reki helped you.

"Y/n" Langa spoke, you turned around to face him "yes ? —My stomach hurt. He said, Reki closed your backpack and walked up to him, concerned, he asked —Did you eat anything weird this morning ? Do you want to go to the infirmary ? —This morning, I ate a sock because people on the Internet told me to. You stared, blankly, trying to process the information, and Reki exclamed, in disbelief —What people on the internet !? Langa you can't listen to everything the people tell you to do, how did you even get yourself to eat a sock!? —It didn't taste good. —No kidding it didn't taste good! Langa look at me, did you swallow the whole sock ? —Yes. —So that's why you were having a hard time skateboarding earlier! "

To be honest, you didn't even notice this, but now you were worried for your friend, Langa. And you let Reki speak to him and explain to him that: no, eating a sock isn't safe.

Langa was really something, he was still skating better than you this morning even though he swallowed a whole sock, how did he not choke? ~ Long story short, he got drived to an hospital. For eating a sock. Because people on the internet told him to. Reki looked mad.

You were sitting on the rooftop with Reki, you both were silently eating.

"Langa really is reckless, he scares me"

Reki broke the silence.

You contested : "I don't think he's scary —That's not what i meant, but i mean, sometimes i literally have nightmares because of him, he can't go on and accept every challenges people offer him, i mean, the race with ADAM and now the sock? What's next is he going to mess with the FBI or something!? —I wouldn't even be surprised at this point.. you sighed —Right? I wonder what goes through his head, i mean, what's fun in eating a sock? —I don't even want to imagine. "

And there's a silence again. Until Reki broke it once again, looking at you with a stern look on his face.

"y/n, you won't be as reckless as him right ? —Huh? —I mean, last time you raced at S you got injured, we were racing, y'know… —Well hey, atleast you won ! You tried to reassure him —I want to skate with you but i don't want you to get injured, you know, and you just fell off so suddenly, it didn't even feel like it was an accident if i was honest You felt yourself internally panick, you didn't even know yourself if you did it on accident or on purpose. —No, don't worry it's just a silly little injury, it could have been worse. you tried to reassure him, Reki shouldn't be too worrieed about this, it's not like he never gets injured, he was injured for half of the memories you have had with him, he needs to think more of himself too. —Oka once told me, it's not bad to take care of yourself sometimes, you know ? his tone became a bit more stern —What do you mean ? —You don't look like you've been even sleeping at all y/n, and for the record, your injury was supposed to be healed by now, but you keep using your injured arm and your body is not getting enough rest, i'm worried that you'll actually make it worse."

You stayed quiet at his words, Reki sighed.

"y/n, please take care of yourself, i really don't want to lose you too"

you remembered him telling you about his old friend, you felt bad for even thinking for a second that maybe Reki didn't care about you, but now you needed to think of a way to reassure Reki, this was your fault for being reckless. You smiled and said "Hey hey, i swear it's going to be okay, i'm not being merely as reckless as you or Langa are sometimes " you joked and added "I never raced ADAM"

Reki looked at you with a silly angry face "Well it doesn't mean you can go around and make your injuries worse! You don't want to have to quit skateboarding do you? —Oh, come on it's just an arm —Just an arm!?"

You finished your lunch, and as you were about to get up while Reki was scolding you relentlessly about your injury, you tried to grab for your skateboard, and cut Reki's scolding off "Let's get our mind off of it and skate- —Our skateboards got taken away, y/n —Right"

You sighed, it felt empty without Langa. You felt silly for asking to skate into the school's grounds when you were the one refusing it this morning when Langa asked.

Did it ever feel this way when you were gone?

It felt empty even though Reki was still as lively as ever. If Langa was there though, you knew you wouldn't have been able to escape Reki's scolding, he's been pretty insistent for you to take care of yourself since that injury.

"Thinking about Langa, I hope he's doing okay…" you thought out loud, Reki nodded

Reki looked more quiet than usual, he was still talkative but less, it seemed he was thinking about something. No wonder why though, one of his bestfriends was in a hospital.

Well, bestfriend, that's understimating what the both of them really are. They have one hell of a bond. Even you can notice; their eyes contacts are everything. Even If they aren't romantic, they are still much more than bestfriends in ways words can't describe.

He got up and smiled "Well If It's Langa we have nothing to worry about, he always gets out of troubles somehow"

you nodded, chuckling a bit. It's true, Langa always get out of troubles.

The bell rang, you walked to your classroom together. You sat next to Reki, feeling weird that the seat next to you was empty, you missed Langa already.

The class passed, and when it ended it looked like Reki has fallen asleep while he was trying to take notes for you, but you were too zoned out to even notice.

A voice snapped you back to reality though.

"Just because the water is red doesn't mean you can't drink it… Langa what are you even talking about"

It was Reki's, you looked at him, confused, he was actually awake? You stood up and put your stuff back in your backpack, ignoring the burning pain in your arm.

"What do you mean? " you asked, before realising he has fallen back asleep. Reki is one to talk in his sleep afterall, he always does, you could still remember the day he woke up, stood up from his desk and screamed for Langa's name loudly in utter panick in front of the whole class when he was worried about his race with ADAM. You could also remember staying up with Langa when you guys were having a sleepover, just to hear what Reki would say in his sleep, there were no boring nights with Reki even when he was asleep, he was full of surprises, just like Langa, in a way.

"Reki?" you put your hand on his shoulder, he jumped and screamed "AH ?!!" you gestured for him to calm down. ~ Finally, the school day ended, more silently. You were in front of the school, Reki told you to wait here, you knew you had to stay one hour after class anyways to help the janitors clean, so it didn't reallly matter much.

"What are we even waiting for Reki? The teachers are waiting for us. —Just wait"

You stayed silent, until you noticed Miya walking up to you "hey slimes, so are we gonna go get the skateboards or what? You better pay me back after that. *You stared, confused, before turning to face Reki. —Reki, what is this about? *Reki sighed* —Long story short y/n… I'll have the two of you conduct a prison break ! —Wait you don't mean- —We're going to get our skateboards back and get away from here ! Reki exclamed himself, proudly —And then he'll become my cat. Miya added, killing Reki's joy in just a sentence —Don't act smug it's just one day ! —Wanna make it two?"

you stared at them, surprised, Miya didn't bring his skateboard.

So you were going to get your skateboards back and Miya was going to take Langa's skateboard back.

And then you could break out of school.

You stared the ground, your face frowned, and you spoke "They'll call our parents for that —Oh don't worry, i've done this plenty of time with Langa, you just never got into that much troubles before —What? But- you whole lots of crazy!- —They always forget! Infact, when i tried to wait for them to give me back my skateboard, they always forgot, so we have to get these back ourselves before they damage our babies ! —Fair enough i guess.."

You didn't want to imagine Reki giving birth to a skateboard, so you just went along with his plan hoping he'd stop using the name "babies" for the skateboards. ~ You were out of school with your skateboard, at the small skatepark you and Langa usually go to, you could remember Langa practicing tic-tacs here.

You were sitting with Miya as Reki was skating around

Miya yelled at his new human pet " drop, you must! —On it!" Reki dropped down the ramp, and failed, miya snickered

"Wow, and i thought i promoted you to a a golem! —You did!? Reki sounded happy Also If i failed, that's Langa's fault! Reki complained, which led Miya to be confused, he asked —How so? —Today I heard something new and unmemorable. Langa literally swallowed a sock because people on the internet told him to, i can't focus! —He did what!? So that's why he couldn't go pick up his skateboard himself!? Miya looked heavily surprised, he stared at the ground, hiding his concern"

Reki started skating again and raised his voice "Yes, he never changes!" Reki was obviously shaking and struggling to keep his balance, he looked tired and stressed, damn, you hated to see him like this. You looked away from him for a bit, and looked at Miya.

"Miya, how was school ? you asked, curious —It was fine i guess, you ? —You know how people get pregnant around their belly? Well i get brain pregnant, it's like i'm giving birth to so many neurons i'm gonna explode"

Miya stared at you and questionned your sanity. You looked back to Reki who was skating, you decided to cheer him on "Never back down never what!? —Never give up! Reki screamed in enthusiasm, before he falls on his balls and scream in more pain —Are you okay!?"

Reki sat up and gave you a thumb up, before standing up, visibly in pain. You started to wonder if you should join him, he seemed to continue skating despite his struggles, and you were just watching him with Miya, not doing an effort at all.

You can be such a burden sometime, you're almost certain being looked at this way while you're struggling must not feel cool. You remember being scared of people's looks when you started skating.

Reki went up to you, and asked you

"Hey, so y/n how are you feelin- —Meow for me, slime. Miya cut him off and Reki meowed, embarassed and annoyed, you laughed That's a good cat. Miya commented before Reki said —Oh shut it Miya, if we have a beef one day i'll make sure you regret that"

You looked at your phone and noticed that you had a message on a groupchat with Reki, Langa, Miya, Joe, Cherry and Shadow.

…You have a lot of groupchats. Like one that excludes Joe just for Cherry, and one to exclude Cherry just for Joe.

Shadow : " I'm racing a rookie tonight ! Watch me blow them off at midnight ! scary laughter "

It's scary how he used the scary laughters seriously as if he was talking to bots and roleplaying

Cherry : "I'll pass"

Reki looked at your screen, before saying "maybe we should go to Joe's… —Hm? you turned your head to face Reki, he seemed thoughtful. He turned to Miya and said —Miya, let's- —Call me master and meow. —Frick you! —It's apart of the deal —Fine- Master, let's go to Joe's meow —There there that's better. Miya pet Reki's hair and Reki looked like he was trying his best to compose himself, you tried not to laugh —Who's paying ? you asked —My cat is paying. —I didn't even- but yes that's true"

a few seconds passed, before Reki screamed

"WAIT I FORGOT I HAD A JOB !"

Your eyes widened, and you all skated to Reki's workplace, Reki apologized and you volunteered to replace Langa since he was unavailable tonight, since he… ate a sock. Miya was playing on his console while you two were working, you were pretty much zoned out and it looked like Reki would talk mostly to Miya anyways, you were zoned out but you could hear him complain whenever Miya told him to act like a cat, some things about this being inadequate at a workplace.

~ Finally, after that, you guys skated to Joe's restaurant, it seemed the restaurant was still open and Joe was waiting for you, Shadow and Cherry were all here, they seemed to know you'd come. Maybe Miya or Reki texted them to come.

You guys ordered some meals, and Shadow tried to steal Joe's kitchen to cook instead and show his great cooking skills, he wanted to cook you waffles or something… somehow, with his secret recipe. For shadow, excitement replaced fear until the final moment where Joe was able to stop him from using the kitchen furthermore.

Waffles are always better without fire ants and fleas, afterall. (This is an Italian restaurant).

It seemed the restaurant was originally closed but Joe made an exception for all of you because Reki convinced him to.

You were sitting near the window next to Miya, facing Reki. You asked : "So, what are we doing here Reki ? —I wanted to pass some quality time with my friends, you know.. eheh He looked like he was hiding something —That is your friend ? Miya pointed to Shadow which Shadow immediately noticed —Hey! I'm not your teacher or anything! Shadow raged, and Miya shrugged —You could have just invited everyone except Shadow on the groupchat excluding Shadow. Miya said, indifferent, playing on his console —WHAT GROUPCHAT?? Shadow yelled, before Joe told him to quiet down"

you stared at the table, a few moments later, Joe handed you guys over a few plates of food, as you guys ordered. Cherry was sitting next to Reki.

Shadow was renting, something along the lines "My dentist tells me that chewing bricks is very bad for your teeth. But no bricks can hurt my teeth behind this mask! I'm a true man!" you couldn't really understand what he was even saying, too zoned out to even try to understand. If Langa was here, he'd have been very happy to eat all of the restaurant's leftovers. You heard miya tells shadow "Well good for you idiot, just tell me if you want me to call a mental hospital for you"

You were happy you were all together, but you couldn't help but think about tomorrow's school day, you were definitely going to be even more tired than you were today tomorrow.

Joe kicked Shadow out of the restaurant for being a menace to his kitchen in the end as Shadow continued to try going back to the kitchen of the restaurant.

The first school day was tiresome, even if you were in Reki and Langa's classroom, you felt a sort of stress concerning your future, you didn't want to mess your life up. Life isn't just about fun…

Miya nudged your shoulder to get you to listen to whatever they're talking about, and he spoke "Thank god Joe was able to get Shadow out of his kitchen, if Joe ever lets Shadow cooks for us, I won't think twice i'll go : bye-bye-bye —This feels familliar you spoke, the way he said the end of his sentence looked like a song, strange.. —What does? Miya asked —Oh- nothing, nothing."

You stared at your plate and ate a bit, you were slow though. Reki was silent, after some time, Cherry spoke.

" Today I discovered something i never knew about carla before. —Which is ? Joe asks —Nothing. —If you want everyone to have a conversation so bad, atleast come up with something more creative."

the room was silent, Joe and Cherry wouldn't even speak, Reki looked at Joe, with pleading eyes, you were confused. Joe sighed and speaked:

"Say y/n, are you going to S tonight? —Uhm… You thought, S was really fun, and you really didn't wanna go to school and all, maybe you could just go to S and call it your life cheatcode- —I don't advice you to If you're still injured. Cherry said, glancing at your arm —I'm fine guys, i swear —You're not going to race anyone though, right ? Reki asked, looking concerned —Well actually i was thinking about it. you admitted, Reki looked at you with a face of despair and Miya spoke —You're so reckless y/n. —Y/n! please don't hurt yourself! Reki pleaded —It's no use Reki, they don't understand you… —What do you mean they don't understand me!?? —They zoned out again" ~ Long story short, the group convinced you not to go to S tonight, and Reki ended up convincing you to sleep at his place tonight for a sleepover so that you wouldn't be alone in skipping S tonight, but also to be sure you don't go there. He already sneaked to S without his friends knowing before, and he doesn't want you to do that too.

You walked out of the restaurant with Reki, Miya already went home, Cherry already left, and Joe had to clean after you. You already texted your parents that you would be on a sleepover with Reki tonight, you also mentionned that Langa would be there so that they wouldn't ask too many questions, even though Langa wasn't here.

"What a long day" Reki stretched, and looked at you "Let's go"

You both started skating, until it started raining, your skateboard wasn't set for rain, shit.

"Shoot! Y/n this way ! " Reki called out to you, skating away, the rain was getting slowly, no, quickly heavier and heavier, and you ended up falling off, you got up and took your skateboard and ran, Reki was already far away.

Big thunder noises

Oh, there's a thunder. ~ You reached Reki's house, panting and barely breathing, covered in mud, barely standing on your own. He panicked and apologized a thousand times when he noticed you got even more hurt, he took you to his house quickly not wanting to let you get even colder, and he checked your injuries once again, this time, in his bathroom, just in case something was missing in his bag, he was sure to find whatever it could be in the bathroom.

The bathroom looked clean, it was a small room but sufficient, you sat on a chair, Reki opened his bag and a drawer, before checking your arm first, your wounds visbly opened again as your bandages were red. How amazing. Reki probably didn't like seeing your bandages being red so often.

"Damn, now this must be my fault this time. Reki mumbled, as he got rid of your bloodied bandages and pulled up a disinfectant Thanks god the wounds aren't that big, you could have ended up in the hospital like Langa, because of me… —Hey, no, we're fine, we didn't predict the weather."

Reki seemed distant as he stared at your arm, he mumbled something inaudible. He was zoning out while lightly using the disinfectant, you didn't like this. So you spoke.

"You're not a god, you know. —And you're not either, so stop being so reckless will ya? He retorted, unhappy —Say the one who was blaming himself a few minutes ago! You didn't want to let this slide, Reki was done changing your bandages, and he spoke while putting back the bandages supplies into their places —I'm not blaming you! I'm just, well, worried for you you know! —There's no reasons to be. You stared at the ground, ready to deny everything, Reki spoke, almost reading your mind —Where else are you hurt? —Nowhere! You tried to stand up but your legs gave up pretty easily Agh- You almost fell but Reki caught you, some of the dirt of your clothes got to him, you both were still dripping wet, and you were covered in mud, it was a bit awkward, but Reki was there for you, he was like a brother to you —Hold into me, where does it hurt? —My knees —Shit "

Reki cursed and slowly had you sitting back in the chair, telling you to not move and not be reckless.

You and Reki held something in common, you both were pretty stubborn when it came to being fine.

Right now, Reki looked lost in thoughts as he checked your knees, and as he suspected, your knees were hurt, but it didn't look too bad yet, he sighed and looked at you in the eyes "We're going to get that checked tomorrow if it doesn't get better, okay? —Okay..? You sounded hesitant, as if it was weird for him to care about you,but it's not supposed to be —So you can't stand? —Actually yes I can! you tried to let go of Reki's grip, but you held into the chair instead, Reki sighed —Alright, uhm, you're covered in mud, do you want to take a bath? I have some spare clothes for you if you want? He politely asked, feeling bad that he let you get hurt like this —I mean, yeah alright you replied, not knowing why you could possibly say no, being covered in mud really wasn't pleasant"

This isn't the first time something like this happened, you smiled, this is why Reki always had spare clothes just in case, because you can recall the three of you getting all muddy so many times, and you guys would usually have sleepovers at Reki's house more than anyone's house. You knew what was going to happen was that you would take a bath, and then Reki would do so too when you leave the bathroom, clean and changed and as you go get your other clothes cleaned.

You might catch a pretty bad cold tomorrow. ~ After you took a bath and put on the spare clothes that were ready for you, you ended up in the living room, desperately holding into whatever you could hold into, you were told to sit down and not exhaust yourself. But to be honest, you uncounsciously wanted to exhaust yourself, so maybe you could ghost through the whole year, was it selfish? It's just the first day…

The family was really loud and lively, even at night, you recalled that it was often like this whenever you had a sleepover with Langa at Reki's house.

It's weird that Langa isn't here… It feels so empty even with all of the noises going on, Reki must be feeling stressed out. Just as he showed at the skatepark earlier, barely able to keep balance on his skateboard.

You heard one of Reki's sibling, try to tell a story to another sibling, something along the lines of "The llama couldn't resist trying the lemonade…", It felt very silly.

The atmosphere was warm, you sure never get lonely in here, this place is full of life. It was such a warm and fuzzy atmosphere, you couldn't help but smile a bit. Though the noises gave you a headache. Surprisingly enough, it still wasn't too late for Reki's siblings to be awake, somehow. Well, it's true that Reki's mother was desperately trying to calm the siblings down and get them to sleep, you were in the living room, your backpack out, you already had homework on the first day of school, and you could barely focus.

After some time, Reki came downstairs, he seemed to have cleaned himself up and changed himself faster than you did, he walked towards you and sat next to you, opening his backpack aswell.

You both tried to focus with the awkward silence going on between you, it was funny because no one could hear the silence as the house was really loud, but you could still feel it.

After some time, Reki scratched his hair, stretched and sighed "Man, I didn't listen to a single word the teachers said today —You didn't? —You did? —Yes, I mean… you hesitated, you mostly remember having negative thoughts about yourself today, you looked down at your paper I don't really remember anything…"

You felt Reki's gaze on you, you didn't know if it was a thoughtful look, a mocking look, a look of disbelief, or a look of concern, you didn't dare to move your head to know, sometimes it's better not to know, so you tried to focus on the printed writing of your paper.

"Is this history? you asked, Reki gulped —I thought it was maths —But there are centuries on the paper —True… But you have to calculate the centuries right? —Reki…"

You sighed, this was getting nowhere, you were barely reading. Mostly reading with your own eyes but not your brain, a simple sentence was like a treasure hint, each simple little words just wouldn't reunite or make sense in your brain. At that exact moment you just wanted to spend time with Reki, you didn't want to work, it was selfish, yes, but you couldn't help it, you didn't want to drag Reki into troubles though. You knew you were tired, but if you slept right now, you knew that you'd still be unable to work the next morning, it stressed you out, you didn't want to mess up on the second day of school aswell. You couldn't let all these bad feelings stop you, you didn't want to make yourself up excuses not to work, you felt like it was your fault, like you were the one who uncounsciously made yourself feel bad to have an excuse to work less and feel better about yourself. Though it was doing the opposite, and maybe you weren't right about this.

Thoughts were spinning around inside your head as your eyes focused on the sheet of paper and your textbook, you were completely zoning out.

How are you going to do this? How are you going to handle all of this? You messed up, all you had to do was not overthink it and here you already tired yourself out for a whole period, and you're dragging Reki into it aren't you? How stupid can you be? This is important, school is important, you can't just ignore that, it's not all just about fun. Why would it be?

"Y/n" *Reki called your name, looking at you "Hey, Y/n" *he insisted, you shook your head as your eyes widened, you stopped your trail of thoughts* "Yes ?" you tried to hold in your tears, but instead, you yawned, which got a few tears out of your eyes anyway, you whipped those tears away: you were just tired, that was all. Why else would have tears left your eyes? You're tired, nothing more. It was just one or two tears, a natural reaction from yawning, isn't it?

That is, before you realized it, the tears didn't stop leaving your eyes, it wasn't caused by just the yawning, you couldn't control yourself and your thoughts right now. Reki panicked, "Woah y/n! Hey please don't cry uhm-" you hid your face. when you realized.

Fuck, this wasn't the time to be dramatic, your other bestfriend was in the hospital, and all you could think about was yourself. How selfish can you be? Why are you ruining everything?

You weren't looking at Reki but even you could hear his panic, you tried to wipe away your tears and to calm down, it wasn't working out. Reki spoke, trying to be reassuring and comforting "hey, hey, it's okay- it's going to be okay, look at me- Well it's okay if you don't want to look at me, do you want to talk about it? What's up? —It's nothing, I'm just tired you said, your voice was shaking, you couldn't even make your voice sound normal, Reki's siblings were staring at you, great, you're making a scene now. —Is this the school stressing you out again? He asked, you stayed silent and your eyes widened a bit as you stared at the ground, Reki put an hesitant hand on your shoulder and spoke —Hey, it's okay, we're in classes of 30 people, they never check our work- —But I can't mess up you cut him off School's important, life isn't about just fun, work exist too Reki stayed silent for a second, before saying —Hey, I have fun at work you know —Huh? But this is a part time job!- —Does it matter? "

You paused, questioning your life's choices, Reki continued

"Hey, let me show you something" He stood up and led you an hand, you got up and he helped you walk, you guys walked toward the place he usually goes to to work on his skateboards in his garden, it seemed it stopped raining a while ago, probably while you were trying to focus on your work.

"Remember this place?" He asked, you nodded. Of course you can't forget, Reki made you multiple skateboards for free here, it was loud hearing the machines sometimes, but you can never forget a place with such fond memories.

Reki walked and grabbed a piece of wood "your skateboard got wet right? It needs to dry, this can last months, so to wait, i can make you another skateboard before this one breaks" he said, taking the usual measurements of the wood and tracing some lines, you were confused, weren't you guys talking about school and work just now? Why is he suddenly talking about skateboards again? I mean, atleast he was really passionate about it…

You stared at him, a bit dumbfounded, as he work, and you asked, before he turns on that godamn machine that had your ears dying on spot.

"Why are you doing this? —Well, because, if i let you skateboardless and dying to the stress of school, what will i think of myself for letting you down like this? —You're never letting me down, and, as I've said, life isn't about just fun anyway- —But it can be. Why torture yourself? He turned on the machine to cut the wood, making sure to follow the lines he traced precisely, communicating would be harder now, you had to raise your voice —It's not that simple! —Pick some trucks and some wheels"

Welp, there it is, Reki was being stubborn again, does he even understand you?

You sighed and stared at the available trucks and wheels, Reki was a bit too nice, he always gave you wheels and trucks for free.

Small wheels are for tricks, big wheels are for cruising on rougher surfaces. You pick out some wheels, and some trucks. When you think about it, Reki could just make you a board and you could replace the trucks and wheels yourself, why was he doing this?

When he was done cutting down the board, he asked "you done picking your trucks and wheels?" you nodded "mhm" he smiled and looked at the wheels and trucks you picked before nodding aswell, not surprised by your choice. He spoke, almost teasing you.

"You know, you really never changed your style of skating. —I don't really want to. You replied, Reki chuckled —You don't have to if this style suits you"

Reki started taking his supplies to color and decorate your board, you looked at him do so, and he asked "The same theme as usual? —Yes, please don't get too silly about it. You said in anticipation of whatever was about to come, Reki can be all but predictable sometimes —Will do!"

Reki got to work after putting a support under the board so that the paint wouldn't go over all the desk, and you just stared at him, feeling useless. He was used to working on this now to no surprises, and he was extremely fast, he surely looked like a professional. To you, he was like the God of skating, and you're sure many other would agree with you.

"Hey, y/n, want to add a touch of your help too? Let's spray some paint together —Can I really? —Yeah, it's your board not mine, as long as you don't spray paint all over my face I'm cool with it."

You smiled, feeling excited, you chose a color, specifically your favorite color. You started trying to draw some lines on the back of your board, not really confident. Reki nudged your shoulders to tease you, so you fought back.

Before you knew it, your board was full of colors and failed drawings, this definitely wasn't your usual board. And you both had full paint on your clothes, and some on your skin. You both were laughing and hardly breathing, when you calmed down, Reki looked at your board and declared "I shall call it the double painted friendship Reki-Y/n creation board, aka the Reki y/n dp friendship board!" you sighed, there he went again with his ridiculous nicknames, but you didn't dislike it either. If anything, Reki's enthusiasm was cheering you up, at this exact moment, you couldn't even bear to think about school, you just wanted to have fun. So what if they say life isn't just about fun?

You turned to face Reki, your eyes widened, and you looked at yourself. This was a catastrophe, you both were full of paint. Reki looked at you and looked at himself and realised the mess you both have done aswell, he had a curious and surprised look on his face for a second, before his smile brightened, and proud of himself he declared "Well looks like we both had a relooking!" you sighed and smiled "this isn't very healthy" he laughed "Don't worry, the paint is offensive once every 10 years"

"Let's let the paint dry for now." Reki said, before turning to look at you "You good?" you paused and thought, before answering "Yeah, i'm fine, why do you ask?" Reki sighed and said "I was scared you'd flood my house back there. —Hey! I'm not that much of a crybaby! —I'd rather have you cry than stay alone though. Joe once told me to never end up on my own."

You paused and stared at the table "Yeah, that's a good advice" you mumbled, before turning your head to face Reki, a curious look on your face "Say, why did you do all of this? You didn't have to let me pick out some new trucks and wheels, we could have just put the ones from the old board on the new board, you know? —Y/n, this is not the first time your trucks got wet, and i'm afraid they're getting rusty —They are? —Even a 4 year old would notice. —Hey! "

You guys laughed, and you asked "what do we do about the paint? —Let's go get it cleaned before it dries on our face, it's not raining anymore so we can go back to my house and to the cabin when it dries"

You were able to stand on your own, but when you took a step, it really hurts a lot, but you felt like you could handle it, things are way much less painful when you're in a better mood, it's crazy.

Once you entered his house again, you saw one of his younger sister, Koyomi, eating an ice cream and directly turning to talk to you "Hey y/n, i've got something for you —You're not sleeping? Reki asked —Nope, couldn't sleep with all the charades our younger relatives put in the house"

Koyomi took some papers and handed them to you "Here, nanaka and chihiro made these for you, they said they hoped it would make you feel better"

You took the drawings, these were drawings made by one of Reki's youngest siblings, a stickman kind of drawing with some hearts. It seemed even they cared about you. you stared at the drawing, while Reki said "Hey Koyomi, don't stay up too late. —You aswell" ~ After you both cleaned the paint off your face and arms, you went back to the place where the paint dried. You already felt much better, you made sure to keep the drawings somewhere in your backpack, these were silly, but you wanted to keep them in your room or something when you'll go back to your house.

Your phone bzzzzed, you turn on your phone and checked the notification, it was a message from Langa on the trio group containing you, Langa and Reki.

"Hey guys! I'm out of the hospital! :) The sock was no problem much, i'm on my way home!" Reki turned to you "Hm, what are you doing y/n? —Hey, look at this, Langa's out of the hospital you said, Reki immediately looked at your phone without any hesitation and said —Wow, so he really got out of troubles huh? —Yup, once again."

You smiled and typed a message on your phone "Hey Langa, I'm at Reki's house right now, I hope you have a good night, see you at school tomorrow!" you sent the message, before you knew it, reki took out his own phone and typed a message "Hey Langa, btw, i made y/n a new board, wanna video call to see it?".

You saw the message appear on the groupchat, and before you knew it, Langa already sent a videocall ask, you refused as Reki already turned on the video call and one was enough.

It seems the paint has dried already.

Reki picked the trucks and wheels you chose to put them and fix them on your board, you only noticed now but these also got colored in the process somehow, it gave your board a new type of look, you couldn't help but smile. When Reki was done, he took care of the grip tape, and when that was done aswell, he looked at you to present the final result while showing Langa through his phone the final result, and proud of himself, he asked, a big genuine smile on his face "Well! What do you think??" you clapped, genuinely amused. Langa praised Reki.

Reki grinned "I know, i'm the best when it comes to making boards —I helped painting the board too! —You sure are an artist y/n l/n."

Reki laughed, and you heard Langa laugh too. You were smiling, you didn't even know what time was it, you didn't really care about the time anymore, though you could notice dark circles under Reki's eyes, you didn't know if you had them too.

After a small moment of silence, Reki talked, in a low soft voice "Hey, y/n —Hm? —You're right, life isn't about just fun. you dropped your composure when he said this —What do you mean? —Life is about being happy, silly! He messed your hair up, leaving the screen on the desk and leaving Langa confused, he smiled you really are an idiot you know? he teased you, not actually meaning it —Hey! Atleast I care about my grades! You defended yourself, Reki grinned —You know, when it comes to school and grades, i'm not really worried, you build yourself a path towards the future by being happy and doing the things you like, don't you? —Well, it's true but… —So why torture yourself? You'll be just fine, a day of not doing homework won't kill you, hey, what makes you happy? —Being with you you blurted out and everyone else you added, Reki seemed a bit caught off guard, he scratched his head and blushed a bit, flattered, he spoke —Well then use your mind a bit more for us and less for school, I promise you you'll figure everything out at your own pace —Can I really? —Do I inspire you? he asked out of the blue, semi-hesitant, semi-confident —Reki! you nudged his shoulder and laughed —What? —Of course you inspire me! —But i'm not good at school and grades, I don't even care about school as much as you do. —Yes, but you're so passionate and good at what you do. I'm not even sure of what i want to do in the future. —All I did was enjoy what i enjoy. He paused and smiled brightly I love skating, the fun is infinite, it never ends!"

You heard Langa's confused voice through the phone, the lonely blue-haired teenage boy spoke "Y'know y/n, when it comes to school and work, i rather see you happy with average grades than stressed out and on edge with good grades, just like we found you were last year"

You felt a bit embarrassed and nervous, so you stared at Reki, internally begging for him to change the topic. He smiled, and said "it might not be easy, but hang in there, i promise everything will be okay, school won't pick your path for you, school will force you to pick a path, of course school is important, but a balance is important aswell, we can't have you so stressed out that you break down on one sheet of paper everytime, what kind of friends would we be if we let you alone to struggle like this? I don't think that would be very fair, you know. Life may not just be about fun, but sometimes it is. What's more important anyway is to be happy anyway isn't it?"

His confident and long monologue was interrupted by a big sneeze.

Oh, you had all that nasty stuff over your face, dear god.

Reki panicked and ran to grab some tissues, you tried not to laugh at the way he ran, welp, this was really worth not going to S for.

You stared at the phone on the desk and Langa saw your face and laughed as you picked the tissue Reki handed to you.

Through the phone, you heard Langa's voice "y/n, you know, I'm happy with you guys too —You better be." ~ You fell asleep in your sleeping bag, and the next morning, you both were completely sick. And you forgot to complete the homework you were supposed to turn in today. You still weren't even sure if it was an History sheet or a Maths one.

But did it really matter? You had so much fun yesterday, and you cheered up, sometimes it's cool to loosen up.

This is the type of memory you won't regret when you'll be at death's door. This is the type of memory that really matters.

Of course school did matter, but when it slowly kills you and you have no idea of what you want to do, what do you do? How do you balance personal life and school?

Life isn't just about fun sure,

It's about appreciating the moment that's happening right now. And right now, you didn't want to think about school.

Rather, you wanted to think about getting some meds, because you both were REALLY a sick mess.

And little did you know the papers you both left on the living room table didn't last long when Reki's siblings woke up.

Oops?

[reunionatdawn]

My Analysis of the Best Paired Endings in 3H (Part 9: Caspar/Petra)

Catherine: When I told you I would cut down children with no hesitation, you looked disgusted. I take it that's the part you're struggling to accept? Caspar: Pretty much. I don't think I'd be able to do it, even if that meant disobeying orders.

Caspar and Ferdinand are the two most difficult students to recruit outside of their home routes because they can only get C-Support with Byleth before the time-skip. And this corresponds to how difficult it is for them to leave the Empire from an emotional standpoint. They can't even be recruited in Hopes. Caspar wasn't sure when to obey orders or act on his own morality. He got reprimanded for doing so in his C-Support with Byleth, and that single incident had a huge impact on his development.

Shez: You're taking this awfully well. Weren't you and Caspar childhood friends? Linhardt: Yes, but that is of little consequence now. He is not fighting for honor or any greater purpose. War is just his way of life, and he doesn't have the slightest intention of dying or losing.

Caspar has never known any other way of life but fighting and making a name for himself on the battlefield.

Caspar: Something is kinda bothering me. I was talking to someone the other day about how I want to distinguish myself in battle, and they said that meant I wanted the war to go on forever. Of course, I told them they were nuts… Then I actually started thinking about it. About what I'll be doing when the war ends, I mean. About what I'll even…be. Ferdinand: I do not think you have cause to worry. We may not know what the future holds, but you are delivering great results as a leader. Surely you will be held in esteem for such? Caspar: Sure, but doesn't that just mean my life is about nothing but fighting? I'm not a guy like you who's good at pretty much everything, so… Ha! Listen to me. I can't remember the last time I got in my own head like this.

He was more introspective about his circumstances in Hopes. But that only reinforced how unhappy he was with his way of life. It wasn't fulfilling for him to live only for war, but he had no real sense of identity other than as a warrior.

Caspar: Oh. Hey, Professor. I was just reading this letter from my father. Do you know him? He's a pretty big deal in the Empire. He only writes to ask how my training's going, or how many monsters I've killed. Stuff like that.

Caspar had a strong desire to punish evil in the world, but he possessed a very black-and-white sense of morality. That simplistic view of good and evil probably came from his father, the famous warlord Count Bergliez.

Caspar: My father was responsible for a lot of what happened to the Dagdans! Shamir: Are you responsible for your father's actions? Caspar: Well, no…but kinda? I know I wasn't there, but I gotta—

It is much easier to invade and conquer when you convince yourself that the enemy is evil.

Caspar: After we cross the Great Bridge of Myrddin, we'll be in my father's territory. We actually crossed it five years ago for the Battle of the Eagle and Lion. Remember? Ugh! This is terrifying! What am I gonna do? I gotta get a grip… Byleth: Don't worry, I'll arrange for your funeral. Caspar: You think we'll meet him on the battlefield and he'll kill me? The front lines cover a long stretch of land, you know! We might not even run into him!

Caspar was also terrified of his father. He didn't like the sound of thunder because it reminded him of his father yelling at him when he screwed up.

Caspar: All right! Off to the Kingdom's capital we go! What's the matter? Should I not be excited? I can't help it. Everyone's gotta have something to look forward to!

I was really struck by Caspar's demeanor in CF. He only ever focused on taking out whatever enemies he was ordered to and barely had anything else to say.

Caspar: It's so awful to see the Kingdom capital go up in flames, but at least we made it this far!

He fought alongside the Death Knight and invaded other nations without question. It was as though Count Bergliez was hovering over his shoulder the entire time.

Catherine: You have a strong sense of justice. You have clearly defined ideals. But that's not an asset on the battlefield. Ideals slow you down. They cause inner conflict.

It was truly sad because that wasn't who he was. He had his own ideals and criticized Catherine for submitting her sense of justice to another person. It made me realize that CF!Caspar couldn't do anything else but focus on fighting because otherwise the inner conflict would have destroyed him.

Caspar: I think… I can't deny who I am. I know you were right five years ago when you told me not to chase after that suspicious guy… But I still can't get over the possibility that he might have hurt those kids. I would have regretted not stopping him for the rest of my life. There's no way I could forgive myself. It sounds awful to say, but the safety of those kids is more important to me than the knights we lost.

His character arc was about realizing that it's okay not to follow orders and that he should live according to his own sense of justice.

Caspar: I've been wandering on my own for five years. I won't go back to that house or my father, that's for sure!

And leaving his father was necessary for him to do so.

Caspar: We weren't related by blood, but Randolph was still my uncle… Seeing him end up that way was… Never mind. It's nothing. Byleth: That's how it goes with war. Caspar: This wasn't just about war. It was a grudge. Or are you gonna tell me you're on Dimitri's side? I'm sure he never trusted me, being born in the Empire and all.

Like Ferdinand, Caspar can only access his Paralogue—where he can confront the "evil" Death Knight—if he defects from the Empire. The game incentivizes you to recruit him in AM, too. Not only does he share his Paralogue with Mercedes, but doing so in AM unlocks an additional scene for her to say goodbye to Emile. I'd argue that he has the best arc in AM due to his connection to Randolph. It was important for him to see the war from the side from the Empire's victims, so that he could have his worldview challenged.

Petra: It feels like…a knife against my throat. That I am making my grandfather obey the Empire. Because I am a hostage, it is not an option to be giving up. I must be fighting and winning and staying alive. I must do anything to be making life better for Brigid. To be making Brigid and the Empire stand as equals. That is what my people are wanting from me…and what my grandfather, the king of Brigid, is wanting! Byleth: And what do you want? Petra: My want? I…I am not knowing of that. The wants of my people are something I have power to achieve. Their wants are my own.

As a political hostage to the Empire, Petra fought extremely hard to survive, not for herself, but so that Brigid could live independently and stand as equals with the Empire. But when Byleth asked her what she wanted, she didn't even know. She needed to figure out what she wanted for herself, not just what other people wanted.

Ferdinand: Do you not want to go back to your homeland? Petra: I do have the hope of returning one day, but Fódlan is also like a homeland to me now. I came to Fódlan nine years ago. I have been living half of my life here. My family is living in Brigid, but in Fódlan, I have new family and new friends.

So, what did Petra want? Well, she wanted to return home, but she also wanted to stay connected to her new family, and to use their political connections to improve relations with Brigid and Fódlan.

Petra: When this war is finished, I am wishing for you to be seeing my homeland. Dorothea: You…you are? Oh my. I'd love to, Petra. As soon as the fighting is done, I'd like nothing more than to see Brigid with you.

She wanted to bring her friends back home with her to visit. Whether you go for their romantic paired ending or are content to leave them as friends, her Support with Dorothea showed how important it was for her to maintain permanent connections with her classmates.

Petra: I am not having an obligation. I will only be marrying if I find a good person.

And she also wanted a husband from Fódlan.

Petra: My father was killed. By the Empire. By your father. And so I will be impaling you on this blade to be satisfying a deep wish of mine. Caspar: A deep wish… What are you talking about?! Petra: I am talking about my wish. Of course…I am also having another wish. An even deeper wish. I wish for you and I to keep being friends. To keep fighting and surviving together.

Petra had one other deeply held wish. She wanted to kill Count Bergliez. She always bottled up her true feelings and never expressed what she really thought. She was always gung-ho about fighting and said war fed her body and mind. She may have acted like she was fine with her situation, but she was really not. She didn't want to kill people in the name of the Empire that invaded Brigid and killed her father, and she had a lot of rage underneath her calm surface.

Caspar: Well, I guess even a queen can't push her feeling down forever. I can't imagine what it must've been like to go through what you did. But I think I can still relate. Petra: Umm… Caspar: Hey, here's an idea. From now on, take it out on me. Petra: No. This is silliness. There is no point in killing you. Caspar: I'm not talking about killing, Petra. What I want you to do is unload on me! Tell me off! Just talk to me about whatever it is you're feeling. If all your hate becomes too much, dump it on me. If you wanna hit something, I'm your guy. I just want us to keep being friends, alright?

Caspar was the only character she ever showed that side of herself to. In Hopes, she wanted to kill him, but he offered for her to take her pain out on him. He was the one person she could talk to and be open and honest with because he was the same. And Petra was more raw and emotionally vulnerable with him than anyone else.

Petra & Caspar Petra returned to her homeland of Brigid, and inherited the throne from her grandfather. As ruler, she declared independence from Fódlan, and renegotiated Brigid's diplomatic ties to Fódlan and Dagda on more equal terms. At every step along the way, she was accompanied and supported by her husband, Caspar, who had left Fódlan behind to be with her. It is said that the people of Brigid were initially suspicious of the union, due to Caspar's relation to a nemesis of their homeland, but that his tireless efforts on Brigid's behalf endeared them to him over time. It certainly helped that he made the queen very happy.

Petra didn't have an obligation to get married. She just wanted someone to share all of her heart with. Caspar was never particularly envious of his brother, and he always liked hard work. So, working tirelessly for Brigid is a better way to live than inheriting his father's position and becoming the new Minister of Military Affairs.

I don't think the writers necessarily pushed for either Caspar or Petra to be paired with anyone in particular. Many of their paired endings work just as fine. Still, the Caspar/Petra ending is one where Petra can have everything she wants, including someone who she can be truly open and honest with. And it is the only one where Caspar can directly address the damage caused by his imperialist father. So, I consider it the best one for them.

[hel-phoenyx]

Oli is @thal-ent's character and Kaizarz @corneille-but-not-the-author's

Wing cleaning duty is quite the mandatory task when you know Oli these many years. It can happen very quickly, because of unexpected rain, some beastmenphobic idiots throwing them mud on their face or just some teasing remark earning them a little seawater shower.

In the last case, I'm often the one in charge of the very important duty. Really, the situation is ironic. Shutting down vicious mockery takes you like ten seconds, to earn a dozen or two minutes of calm, and then you need to spend four hours on preening bullshit.

You're lucky you mean a lot to me, Oli. Genuinely.

I sit down, and starts cleaning the feathers. They're soft under all the salt and the water, even if it doesn't stop me to litteraly feel them itch. While they're drenched, Oli is still kinda in my domain, so my senses toward her own sensations are heightened.

I really gotta control this.

Close my heart to everything outside so I can't let myself hurt or be hurt again.

Oli's wings shudder when I go to the primaries. Sensitive part, I guess.

"Hey, you're better at this than I thought."

I sigh.

"Be careful, Oli, I just started. Nothing is stopping me to drench you again."

"Com'on, Tyr, that was a compliment."

I once regretted letting them, all of them, use that nickname. It was not theirs. I thought it will never be. Today, it's somewhat comforting.

I let myself smile a little bit.

"You're not the only beastperson I know..."

Knew.

"So I had experience. My hand is not too much of a handicap in this situation."

"Good, good. Wouldn't want you to spend the day preening my feathers, you wingwetting bully."

They stick their tongue toward me, enough so I can see the tattoo. I always wondered why so many marking on their skins, but I never asked. I'm not much of a curious person anyway.

Me, at least. I can see Oli has something on their mind. Their wings are shivering in some emotion I can't itnerpret, and their face is crisped in pensive worry. I have an idea of the question she's gonna ask, and of course, I'm not dissapointed.

"I never asked you how you lost it ?"

"Because you knew I wasn't gonna answer."

They laugh.

"Good point. But seriously, Tyr, only thing I know from that day is Kaizarz fetching the doctors. I'll never forget his expression. I thought... I thought someone died."

"Maybe someone did, who knows ?"

"Com'on, don't joke with that, it's not funny."

I'm not joking, Oli.

But those are words I am not able to say. Not yet. Not while I have to endure the shame and the pain. My honor, shattered in pieces. My childhood, drowned in sorrow. Everything I believed in, tainted in blood.

The silence is enough of an answer for my dearest rukkorn friend. They shrug, let me move onto the wingpit. This place always accumulate a lot of dirt and salt, I'd better be careful.

My peace and quiet do not last long, however. Oli may ended up getting tired of the silence, or they just want to talk to me, while I can align more than three consecutive words. I've never been a talker, but ever since that event, it's been so hard just saying hello to them. I couldn't even look Kaizarz in the eyes up until not too long ago.

And then it was too late.

"Hey, Tyr, there's something else I wanted to ask you."

"Hm ?"

"You went to the Tournament for Glory, right , How was it ?"

I don't think they're asking that question without any hidden thought. Out of all of us, I am the only one that could go. And it was because I regained some fighting ability, enough to defend my sovereign, even if my former level was the one of a genius.

I could have reach death battles and all of them know it. So, I suppose they're several reasons behind that question, and not all of them are about Kaizarz.

Still, it is too personal to answer.

"It was... Something."

"Aw. Nothing else ?"

"You're on dangerous grounds, Oli."

They laugh again.

"Look at him being all-mysterious. Come oooooooon, Tyr, I had Kaizarz' point of view but he doesn't talk much these days, he's too occupied with the war and you're always free since you lost your hand, I want your point of view, please tell meeee~"

My point of view ?

Mine ?

I could tell you everything about how I saw a man vanquish a dozen enemies in a fraction of second before laughing with me at the festival. I could tell you the story of how a double-sided axe almost killed the Khan of Khans before the wielder, the victor shook his hand in respect. I could tell you about a god's might and the one that never yielded, that landed a hit on the Herald of End of Times.

What's so interesting about my point of view ?

What so interesting about a pile of books with taboo subjects, laughs inbetween battles and the warmth of two hands taking mine at different times. Harmless jokes and alcohol that loosen up my tongue and the sun in my eyes and a back turned towards me. My throat hurting and the sun kissing my burning cheeks and words I never deserved, I'll never deserve. A hug behind a tent and words that would forever mark me because I hold them true in my heart there's no world we I can ever be happy.

What's so interesting

About me ?

[peck2neck]

hiiii. heres the allohema logs from the wyatt dies au

putting it all under the cut since its preeeeetty long. the first two were written back in january while the third one was written recently

dunno what else to say soooo enjoy :]

Allo.Hema LOG_1

It's been about a day since I first discovered that Wyatt had gone missing. I don't think I ever could have seen it coming - things were fine a few days ago. I went over to visit, but he was more cheerful than usual. He was finally starting to open up, I think. Hell, I even managed to make him laugh, something I assumed that he was incapable of. He gave me a present before I left and I went back for the day. I wasn't able to visit for a while after, things get pretty busy during the holiday season but I managed to sneak out just after new years. But... He wasn't there. In fact, there was nothing but rubble. Charred metal lying limp around where the feint memory of a shack had been. I searched for hours to no avail. I couldn't find him anywhere, and I'm starting to believe that maybe... he- ...nevermind.

I brought Microwave back to the lab with me. It seems like she wasn't around when it.. happened. I checked her and she appears to be unscathed. I doubt I'll be able to keep her here for long, though. As soon as someone notices she's here I'll get in trouble and she'll get rehomed. I feel bad for the thing, she's just been staring at the door all day. It's obvious she wants to go back, but i can't let her - she doesn't know that no one is waiting there for her.

I should really throw his file away - I have no need for notes about Wyatt anymore but I... can't bring myself to do it. Not right now, at least. I'll keep them for a bit longer - just in case. Tomorrow I'll sneak out again, just one more time. I need to be sure. I need answers. It just doesn't make sense! I'm the only one who has had contact with Wyatt for YEARS, he basically confirmed it! Unless I had been followed? I doubt it was an accident, either. He may be arrogant but he sure as hell isn't stupid. It just.. doesn't add up. I'll watch my back tomorrow but I'm not sure what else I can do.

Allo.Hema LOG_2

I fixed up the flowerbeds while I was out there today. He never let me anywhere near them before, but someone has to tend to them. On that note, its been about over a week now, and there's still no sign of him. It would seem I have no choice but to believe that he's gone.. however I just can't. I said that I'd go back one more time, but for the past few days I've been returning over and over, desperate for a something, anything.... nothing. I've been tidying a few things while he's been absent - might as well pass the time. Some of his belongings seemed to survive, so I'm going to take them back to the lab with me - until he gets back, of course. It's pretty calm out here, all things considered. It's... quiet, there's a clear view of the sky and a slight breeze at my back. I suppose getting out of that building for a while is doing me some good.

I still haven't fully decided what to do with Microwave. No one has noticed that she's here, surprising considering I ordered so many cat toys.. ahem - I've been considering keeping her, to be honest. Wyatt cared a lot about Microwave, and I'd feel bad just.. giving her away with no guarantee that she'll be safe. Besides, she's taken a liking to me. My jacket is covered in cat hairs.. I hope no one is allergic, because I'm about to run out of spare ones.. More annoyingly, she keeps knocking everything off of my desk, even my tungsten cube! I used to wonder why Wyatt's tools were scattered on the floor, but I guess that's why. I don't mind the company, though. She curls up on my lap while I'm doing paperwork and I can hear a feint purr each time. She's adorable.. but I should get her to stop chewing the wires.

Looking back, he always seemed to be worried about me, specifically what my job was like. It always confused me why seemed so pushy about it despite him being so abrasive, though I slowly figured out why. We even talked about it one day, and I managed to assure him that i'll be fine. I'm already very aware of what the higher-ups think of me, and i've never trusted them for a second to be honest. I know they'll attempt to decommission me the moment I stop being... useful to them, but what's stopping me from leaving? I could always pack my things and leave the night before - information always gets back to me somehow, so I'd know. They'd never find me if I lay low somewhere, I've already removed that damned tracking chip ages ago, and I could continue my work for free, for those who need it somewhere else. Huh. It doesn't feel like a bad thing to consider, actually.. Hah, guess he was right. He knew what he was doing when he gave me that bag, I suppose.

I'll think about it. Maybe I could find some information out there, a lead to what happened to him - or maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.. I'll bide my time and bite my (metaphorical) tongue.

Allo.Hema LOG_3

I left. After 4 months I finally bit the bullet and.. ran away, i suppose. I'm currently laying low in Wyatt's old shack- what I could salvage of it anyways. The charred ground seems to have been washed away by the rain, but this place is still somewhat in a state of disarray despite my attempts to fix it. About a week was spent packing my things, going back and forth between my office and the scrapyard to drop off my stuff. I have enough supplies to last for a while on my own before I'll have to find some way of getting new ones. I'm not sure what I'll do after that.. but i have more important things to worry about at the moment. Microwave is with me, too. I made sure to stock up on food for her, though Wyatt always managed to get some for her so I doubt I'll have to worry too much about it. She seems glad to be back in the scrapyard, but she keeps searching for Wyatt. I guess we're both in the same boat.

The reason I left.. is because I found a lead. I spent all of those months trying to find something and for once I finally did. I think I've found what - or who - may be responsible for Wyatt's death.. or rather his disappearance. I knew he couldn't really be dead. Surely he's too stubborn for that. My research leads me to believe that theres.. someone behind everything that's happened to him. The issue is that I don't know how to locate it. All of my research for nothing. Again. But I still have to try, I can't rest knowing that he's out there.

I've never really tried.. building anything. I've watched Wyatt do it plenty of times and he made it look easy so it cant be THAT bad, right?? I have his old tools, so I guess I can practice by properly fixing this shack. All I did earlier was slide some scrap metal sheets on top of each other and called it a day. He always seemed to passionate about making things, even if he didn't want to admit it. Most of his belongings were salvaged scrap that was repurposed into something new. Surely I could do the same. It's starting to get darker now. When was the last time I saw the sunset? It's much more beautiful than I remembered. I guess not being stuck inside all the time really does have its upsides. I don't like my jacket being covered in dirt though, I'm not sure how I'm going to clean it.

I have an idea. I'm not sure if it will work, but i think it's worth a try. If it's successful, I might be able to get some answers. This may take months, even years to finish- but this creation will be what I need to find it. To find answers.

I have to get answers. I have to. I will find him.

[jewishvitya]

I have a potentially lengthy question.

So, Im somewhat aware of Israeli news outlets like Jerusalem Post, Times of Israel, i24news (I think that's what it's called?), and Haaretz but I'm uncertain which to read and which to not read. Which would you personally recommend as "Yes, that's a good source" and which would you say are "Don't ever read that"; are there I didn't mention/don't know about, yet, that you feel are also good to read?

I wish I had a good and useful answer for you, but I don't. I have an issue with knowing what news sources to trust. I'm wary of sources I disagree with ethically for obvious reasons, but I also try to watch out for sources I do agree with, because I don't entirely trust myself. I often think about how it's easier to be tricked into lies that affirm my view. None of this makes me immune, but I try.

When it's something serious I want to be able to confidently talk about, I try to check stories with multiple sources, and look at links to videos or posts if they're provided. Which is kind of a lot, but a couple of times I went to post something and this was how I found out it was wrong. It also means I see a lot of things I would rather not. Like when I heard about the funeral of Shireen Abu-Akleh and watched Israeli police/military beat up the pallbearers.

There's also things like... if I know a source is biased towards Israel, and they're publishing something that's damning of Israel, I trust that more than if they're publishing something that's damning of Palestinians, you know?

And there's also organizations working on the ground, which I usually take seriously.

Also word choices and terminology. How are they referring to Israeli crimes? Israeli deaths? Palestinian deaths? What language do they use?

I'm not the best to answer this question. I do my best, and I take this very seriously, but I'm still really figuring this out. Maybe at some point I'll have a better tactic and a list of sources I trust? Right now I don't really.

I'm not sure. I doubt you'll go reading Arutz Sheva (it translates to Channel Seven and the only ones I know who trust it are extremist settlers).

Haaretz is pretty left-leaning, and I think it's pretty reliable. A lot of people here hate or mistrust it for political reasons, but I don't know that I've seen an issue with them bending facts on news articles.

Jerusalem Post, I remebered something and I can't find it, but years ago there was a thing about Netanyahu applying pressure and possibly influencing reporting? Could be something similar with Maariv too? But don't trust my memory on that, I'll try to see if I can edit the post with sources.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful!!

[headsincloud9]

Part 3 | Part 5

SMUT MINORS DNI

212. "If you called me just to get off to my voice then I'm hanging up.

213. "l fuck you for as long as you can stay awake.. maybe after that too."

214. "Take it off slowly.

215. "You're mine for the day."

216. "Your wish is my command."

217, "Can you help me with this zipped?"

218. "Come to my room, there's this thing I wanna try."

219. "I was trying to keep my thoughts at bay, but damn you're provoking, you know that?"

220. "I hope you know what that implies."

221. "I shouldn't allow myself to get so close to you."

222. "No one can ever find out about this"

223. "For your safety I'l be gentle."

224. "What the hell, I was gone for five minutes!?"

225. "You really shouldn't come close to me while I'm in this state.

226. "This is interesting.. "'m finding it hard to relax."

227. "Now why don't you come back to my room with me?"

228, "Are those handcuffs?"

229. "Miss me?"

230, "I've always known you felt this way, and I know exactly what you'd like to do next.

231. "What are you staring at?"

232. "It's just a bikini."

233, "I don't feel like sleeping."

234. "What are you gonna do about it?"

235. "You won't be getting any sleep tonight."

236. "Will you let us fuck you?"

237. "I express my love a little differently than others do."

238. "Why so shy?"

239. "Don't worry, I'll make you feel really goad."

240. "If you're scared close your eyes."

241. "You're the one that aroused me, let's have fun."

242. "Why don't we move this to the bed?"

243. "Would you like to go somewhere a little more private?"

244, "You should start making plans to stay home - You won't be able walk when I'm done with you."

245. "I know the fastest way to relieve anxiety."

246, "Do forgive me if I get a bit carried away."

247. "Throw your morals out the window, just for tonight."

248. "These are so wet, aren't you going to remove them?"

249. "Is this too much?"

250. "I was just about to wash up, Care to join?"

251. "I need you. now."

252. "This feels dirty..." "because it is."

253. "Don't make me put you on a leash."

254. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

255. "Suck. Now.

256. "Move your hands."

257, "You feel amazing."

258. "What do you mean you broke MY bed!?"

259, "Fuck." "Already did,"

260. "I was doing things." ""'m things."

261. "Don't pretend to be so innocent."

262. "I want you touch yourself."

263. "That's an order."

264. "Will you help me stretch?"

265, "Just let yourself go."

266. "I dare you to fuck

267. "What has you so excited?"

268. "Even angels can be bad."

269, "Show me your inner animal."

270. "You have to come see how soft this mattress is!"

271. "Hey, you awake?"

272. "Nothing about your outfit encourages chastity."

273. "Don't be gentle."

274. "I'd be more than happy to show you a good time if you're looking for one.

275. "I want you. Right here. Right now."

276. "Bend over and spread your legs."

277, "I can't hold back anymore."

278. "Do you trust me?"

279. "It's been a long day, why don't we help eachother unwind?"

280. "Do it like you always do."

281. "Oh don't mind me. Just enjoying the view."

282. "Your lips make me wonder what the rest of you would taste like.

283. "Get on your knees. Now."

284. "You can go deeper than that."

285. "I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked."

286. "You're so sexy when you're all hot and bothered."

287. "I've been thinking about this all night."

288. "Don't cover your face, I want to see you."

289. "You're so beautiful, all spread out like this, just for me."

290, "The food looks great but there's something much more delicious I'd rather eat right now."

291. "Lay back."

292. "Well fine. Just this once."

293. "I'm waiting."

294. "The fun doesn't have to end."

295. "Oh geez what did we do."

296. "I think I can convince you to stay."

297. "Are you pretending to sleep? I can think of a few ways to wake you up."

[petite-ursus]

With my birthday next week (eeee!) I finally managed to get some journaling done. 7 pages and I only got a fraction of the summer onto paper. So many wonderful and strange and exciting things have happened the last few months... it's just so difficult to sum it up.

I've mentioned there's a part of me that wishes I was at a point where I felt safe to be emotionally available... to really put an effort into dating again... but I think because it has been such a whirlwind summer with Options At Hand I just keep forgetting how little time has past since the ex finally got out of my house.

It was less than a year ago that I was waking up every morning literally drenched in sweat. I was still being touched when I didn't want it. I wasn't being allowed to sleep through the night. I was anxious and scared, sad and lonely in a way I've never experienced before, and honestly it feels so surreal now.

I'm sure the ex has been madly in and out of love at least twice in the time it has taken me just to feel okay again... that's who she is, and I don't view that as a flex. Still, there is a part of me that wishes I could have snapped back even half so quickly and that I had a wonderful gorgeous partner on my arm to validate to the world that I'm Good... that's just not where I am.

She terrorized me. Threw my furniture. Screamed at me. Took over my bedroom and wrecked my sleep. Wouldn't get out of my house, and made the place I loved most into a palace of eggshells. She intentionally made me doubt my judgement, made me feel small and unsure... and yeah, I've spent the last year recovering the self she saw and wanted to have, if not love. Excavate her from the wreckage. Whatever.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'm still afraid. Not of her, because she has no access to me... but of what I allowed, and could allow again. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see now how she was like a copy paste in a lot of ways of other people I've loved. The difference of course being that while those relationships were rocky they were based in mutual love. I've been mulling on what a difference that makes... What habits that allows to form. They all had these similar through lines, but with her it was a more dangerous iteration because she wanted to possess me as someone she saw value in... but never actually loved me as a person. Being with her forced me confront some very real relationship patterns of my own, without that glammer of love to make the acts of violence less damning. Who I choose. Why I choose them. The full depth of the harm choosing people like that can do to me. I want to believe that now, having been through that I'll make different choices. I know even as I'm browsing the apps I'm doing it differently than I did before... but people lie, and I don't want to enter my next relationship with my guard all the way up. There's only so much I can do, and then I have to trust another person...

I still can't imagine letting anyone into my home again. I don't know if that's something I'll ever be able to do.Though I hope I say this like a character in a book who doesn't know she's going to be living with the love of her life in 5 chapters(years.)

Two weeks ago was one of the first times since she destroyed the peace I found in my home, where I looked around and said, "Oh I love it here," again. The animals are all happy and healthy, the string lights and plants and all my rocks and decorations make my heart sing. There's no mess and no clutter. I think, maybe now that I have a landing space again... a real refuge again that doesn't feel just like... a place where something terrible happened, with gaps in the furniture and wall decorations where my things were removed to make space for her... maybe now I can get there, to a place where I can let someone else in... but man... tldr, I really just need to give myself a break and let it happen when it happens. It was so so bad. I've had such a wonderful year by comparison that the edges of my memory have softened and made me feel like I should be "back at it," with the life goals that involve another person... but like so bad my actual health deteriorated and I was literally in the hospital. It is OK that it is taking time (LESS THAN A YEAR) to process it all and heal from it. SHOULDERS take more time to fully heal than that sometimes.

Life is so long. There is so much time.

And also, as an aside... I've been rolling around in my head what a surprise blessing it is that in seeing how unloved I was in this last relationship I'm able to find real love in my past relationships where I'd been unsure of it before, because it was so clearly there by comparison. Not that I'd go back to these other people, not that it changes any of the things that were/went wrong, but to know that even if I wasn't loved well... I was loved... That's valuable to me. That's a gift I wasn't expecting.

[ms-all-sunday]

personal experience time for prosperity, so i've mentioned that one piece is the reason I'm okay with the fact I'm bisexual now, which i thought it was self evident why that was but I'll explain because i feel like it gives perspective on why im so pro-sexualized/the narrative seeing this character as attractive (when appropriate obviously and i think op does a good job of doing that for the most part) for nami/robin (mainly talking about my experience with nami)

so previously ive had issues with never being attracted to female fictional characters, (I've been attracted to real human women very briefly throughout my life. i just dont hang out with a lot of people and the majority of them arent girls) and that was a problem even though i knew I was able to be attracted to girls I didn't feel like i was able to identify with that part of myself, (as a trans man, I've always felt very pushed into wlw spaces which I think isn't good and even though I have alters that identify as women we've never as a whole ever thought we were wlw) the problem was, when youre asked to be attracted to fictional women 99% of that is either objectification or look this character is hot! and then her actual character is nonexistent. which is a problem for me, because in my experience strong attraction comes from both how much i relate to someone and how much I admire them, so if I'm at large completely unable to relate to female characters, it puts me in a really fucking tough spot and i end up never being able to explore attraction like that in a fictional space. you see, you could point out to me that there's wlw characters and experiences that could've helped me? which, I'll point you to the fact I'm a man and secondly, I tried that. but I'm a man and unfortunately while I can appreciate gay girls in fiction i don't connect with them like that.

where this changed for me was a year ago when I watched one piece and then immediately was blasted by girls who were very obviously seen as attractive but were some of the best written female characters i had ever fucking seen since having that crush on that original character,

and there were men in the context of the fiction that were attracted to nami for the exact same reasons I was ??? (sanji/zoro in arlong park) and these men were being defined by having a crush on or being attracted to nami, and she was the one in control (another reason I couldnt connect with m/f couples: i wanted to be held by a girl and taken care of by a girl not the other way around)

and she struggled with mental health like i did so of course i could relate to her! and i was being encouraged by nami herself to see her as attractive so i didn't feel creepy like i did all of the other times (being a man and being attracted to women and inherently feeling creepy was a huge issue for me) and she was seen as a whole person, a whole entire beautiful person. the fact she was so complicated and detailed made her more attractive, and the fact i could connect and relate to her and have loving her mean that I love aspects of myself i couldnt expect?? I just loved her and i was attracted to her and I couldn't control it so it had me let go of my fear without me even realizing it was happening.

i literally havent felt creepy expressing my attraction to women since.

i simply needed to figure out how to be attracted to women- nami- because i was attracted to her so immediately and so intensely that being attracted to her meant i immediately became more articulate about it because i loved her so much it burst out of me.

the fact people saw nami as attractive was both good for me, someone who finds her attractive and struggled with expressing my attraction to women and was only attracted to fictional women who were entire people!, but also allowed me to feel loved myself as a person with mental health issues similar to hers.

basically, TLDR, i think viewing female fictional characters as attractive is fine as long as they're entire people who aren't reduced to their relationship to men, and is really fucking good actually both on the level that people get to see themselves as attractive and that it rightfully sends the message that women are more attractive when they are understood as whole people with lives and flaws (that can exist outside of traditional heterosexuality).

[railingsofsorrow]

𝙾𝙲𝚃. 6𝚝𝚑; 𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊𝖗 𝖗.

summary: spencer's letter.

pairing: spencer reid x oc!iris valentia 

w.c: 694

warnings/content: a case is mentioned superficially; bird talk; bookworms geeking; fluff.

navi

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[letter 1] [letter 2] [letter 3] [letter 4] [letter 5] [letter 6] [letter 7] [letter 8] [letter 9]  

October 6st.

Dear, Iris.

Please, call me Spencer.

You said you'd prefer that I drop the honorific, then I'd rather you do it as well. And you are not intruding in any way, if anything, I am, because I asked you to talk about yourself first. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable or pressured? I am sorry if I have.

I knew someone that really liked birds once, he knew every species at the tip of his tongue. I guess you two would've gotten along.

Did you know that the Garrulax courtoisi is an endangered species? It was rediscovered in 2000 at Wuyuan, China, but it remains rare till this day. It is really close to extinction, at least in the wild life.

That is a... good question. I would like to be an owl, mainly because of their binocular sight much like ours. It would be interesting, in my point of view. I had never thought about this before.

Are you curious about me? I don't believe I have much aspects about myself that you'd find interesting. I do relate to some things you said. I hate loud noises as well, but I guess, I hate crowded places more. These two pet peeves often overlap each other; in my line of work, I have to speak and face lots of people, which makes me anxious.

According to Dr. Jerry Bubrick, a senior psychologist at the Child Mind Institute Anxiety Disorder Center, when kids are excited they are similar to a dog wagging its tail, but they naturally get louder as the excitement kicks in. Also, children don't know how to modulate their volume, that means that even if they are yelling, they might not notice it, although the parent does. My godson does that a lot, so I know what you mean. When he gets too excited, he runs to whoever he's closest to and throws his arms around them. It's endearing.

Oh, yes. I am rather fond of literature. I think Murakami's writing is brilliant but I've only ever read Nowergian Wood, I'll make sure to read The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle next. My usual reading choice is horror, I'd say Edgar Allan Poe's poem “The Tell-Tale Heart” made me fall in love with literature. I've read it for the first time when I was ten years old, it was one of my mother's books that she'd keep really high on the shelf so I wouldn't read it. I stole it and read it anyway. (Technically I did not steal it, it was still in the house, I just left it in my room) I was captivated by Poe's gruesome details and the way he mixes emotions in the narrative. As for a novel, it would be The Romance of the Forest by Ann Radcliffe. She's also an amazing author from gothic literature. Have you ever heard of or read any of these two?

Oh, my day only starts after I've had my coffee as well! I can't function properly without it. I hate plain coffee, it has to have at least five spoons of sugar or I can't swallow — no offense to you, of course, but I don't think sweeteners ruin the taste, it makes it better.

Regarding the Nevada case, it was... eventful. I thought we wouldn't be able to reach a good solution in time but, we did. As good as one sees, at least. It was a hard case which did not bring back good memories. But I won't fill your busy hours with irrelevant venting. How is your week going? Are you still picking up extra shifts at work? I hope you don't forget to take care of yourself meanwhile.

Please don't.

Ps: I'm sure your hair looks beautiful even on “bad hair days” — I've learned this term recently through a friend, I hope I used it right.

Best regards,

Spencer R.

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taglist: @lilyviolets

[therhythmafterthesummer]

I've come to ask something from you bc I kinda see you as a mom on Tumblr (and I mean that in the most respectful, honorable way) just bc your fics are top tier quality and I just think you're so fucking cool.

I'm a writer myself, I have over 1k followers (I know it's not much) my top post has almost 2k notes, I have more than I think 3 posts over 1k notes (not boasting this is genuinely with a purpose) but all my latest fics don't go over say like 200 notes. I've tried softer fics, more smutty fics, more thorough, less thorough, I've changed the way I write and still nothing gets me as many likes as I used to get before. So now I'm thinking I was just a one hit wonder?

I even stopped posting and only dropped fics every now and then bc I thought I was annoying people and that's why my likes dropped? But I gain like over 10 followers a day so I really don't understand.

Basically what I'm saying is, I've been considering leaving Tumblr bc of this, because I just feel like I've gotten too greedy and 200 notes isn't enough, I want more like I used to get. I've even become fearful of requests bc I constantly think is this one even gonna make it. I'm talking about spending 7 hours on a fic just for it to get like 50 likes, that's devastating and fucking heart wrecking. I have writers block because I just repeat to myself that it won't even make it so what's the point.

So I've come to ask for your advice, to ask if you think I should push through, or leave, or what should I do bc I just don't know anymore. I'm sorry for the lengthy message I've just been needing advice and I couldn't think of a better person to ask than you.

Thank you for taking the time 💕

not you calling me a mum and cool, pls skdjfskdfjhsfd i'm warm.

okay, first of, i'd like to say 1k followers is a lot ! at least in my perspective. when you imagine how 1k people look like in a room it's certainly a lot hahah. if it eases your mind, i'll tell you that our numbers are pretty similar, at least the ones you described.

with that being said... here's what i think, and it might not really be what you want to hear. mind you, this is 100% just my opinion, and how i personally view this hobby of writing fanfiction. other people might have different opinions to mine, yourself included, and that's fine...

if you're writing with numbers in mind, you'll never be satisfied with anything you do. whenever you set a target audience for your writing that isn't yourself, you start losing the joy. it all becomes a spiral of 'is this good enough?' 'what if this doesn't gather an XYZ amount of notes?' rather than what the story really is about.

notes never ever determine how good a story is. i've seen stories with notes around the five digits that i personally didn't find particularly enjoyable, whereas stories i absolutely adored and made me feel a plethora of emotions still sit within the three digits. it's all subjective, and also a bit of luck. sometimes all it takes is a blog with a moderately sized following to reblog your story on main for that story to blow up, really.

if you're writing solely for the validation that notes can bring you, that's valid, it's fine, but it's, in my opinion, something that is bound to make you question your own passion (like it seems to be happening to you right now). it's a completely volatile and unreliable source of energy, and the moment it starts wavering, it all feels worthless (even when it isn't).

which is why i, personally, write because i just... feel like it. i want to read the stories that pop up in my head, it's why i always mention the 'little lizard' in my brain, because i genuinely just work on what i want to work on and that's it. it's also why my creative process doesn't work for "requests". if someone requests something that doesn't immediately spark my interest, i won't be able to fulfil it, so i'll be both bummed out by that fact, and the fact that i can't give the person what they requested in the first place.

ultimately, i'll write stories even if i don't post them, because i enjoy them. i enjoy doing this. i choose to share them with the world, and if there's people out there that enjoy them, too, that's great, it's amazing! and if a story isn't particularly popular, that's okay, too. it was written for me, and i loved it, so i already feel accomplished.

all this to say, my advice to you is that you sit back and start thinking about why you're doing this.

writing takes time, takes energy, and if you're doing it for anything other than the pleasure of writing and reading the story yourself, it's gonna weigh heavily on you. creativity isn't something that can be forced. so, if you force yourself to write something just because of the numbers it might bring, you're already setting yourself for heartbreak when the engagement you receive isn't the one you expected (because it's never enough. when you spend hours working on something you feel like you deserve a million notes, and you do, but it's not how this platform works, unfortunately). you'll end up just resenting the hobby in general, and burning yourself out because you're forcing yourself to write even if you don't feel like it, just because you want to see the numbers grow.

whenever i feel too tired, too overwhelmed, and too insecure about my work, i try to take a step back and give myself grace. i went on hiatus a while ago because i was starting to obsess over the numbers too much, and that time away made me realise all the things i said above. numbers aren't a direct reflection of your work, nor your worthiness as a writer, you know?

i'm not sure if this will be helpful to you or not, i genuinely hope it is. just know that if you feel like it, my DMs are open if you want to talk about this further (:

[pompurumi]

What's your opinion on proshipping?

uuuuhhh idk really. So i'm gonna ramble for a second!

I'm aware of what proshipping actually means, something like ship and let other people ship, but things like tiktok and twt has kind of skewed my view on what proshippers are — which are weird noncon loving weirdos who like brothers kissing — but ik the rational side of my brain is telling me that what I just said is a fat generalisation. ofc some proshippers are like that, but ik most proshippers aren't and just dont care what other people do in fiction.

i do kiiiinnndddaaa believe that what you like in fiction does reflect your person in some way, since it does with me. for example, I consider myself to be very gentle and a hopeless romantic, and I project that onto the media I consume and create. but I have also written about some very harsh and dark topics in the past, just never in a way that glorifies or sexualises them.

I do believe that fiction does affect reality in certain scenarios... but I also know that some things are purely fantasy and it's fun to let go of morals and be gross and freaky (in a FICTIONAL SPACE!!!). but I don't think you're free from judgement from other people purely because what you do is fictional. If I found out that someone i followed on social media/or knew irl had a thing for noncon then I don't think I'd be able to look at them the same.

I wouldn't consider myself an anti (anymore) bcs they've grown a bit of a harsh name for themselves, but I certainly wouldn't consider myself a proshipper mostly because they have ALSO grown a harsh name for themselves and I've had very rough and weird experiences with them. I feel very strongly for fictional characters and their experiences, even if its a random oc that I see on my dash, and that in turn means that i cant really view fictional characters as little puppets in which we use to tell stories or project onto. idk whether it's because my imagination is vivid or something to do with autism, but it's hard for me to move on with my day after reading something abt my fav character being attracted to a child (even if it is technically canon... salad fingers...)

there have been times where I come across a darkfic, skim through it due to morbid fascination, and just regret it to the point that I feel myself physically restrain the need to type out my strong opinion furiously in the comments. but I know that no one forced me at gunpoint to read it and it was all my doing. I believe heavily in curating your own online experience, but have a hard time following that advice myself lololol.

and I think that's the problem with antis. they don't curate their online spaces enough and end up looking at the things that make them feel mad and weird. that was definitely my issue not too long ago and it just made my mental health terrible and life all dull and sad. but now that I've kinda realised that searching for the content that makes you upset and doomscrolling through it to the point it makes you seethe, and then venting about it isn't doing anyone good, I've instead channelled all that energy into finding people who share the same views as me and like what i like !!!! trust me, that is SOOO much more better.

but at the end of the day, I dont think I'll ever feel neutral about proshippers. If i see any terms like "proshipper" or "comshipper" or "anti-anti" I would feel that little ick in me, a hint of disgust... but I'll do my best to move on with my day !! people have the right to feel disgusted, grossed out, even sad about what proshippers do, they have the right to think of them as weird and strange because of proshippers liking what they like, and proshippers should expect that not everyone will feel how they feel. Especially since people who aren't in fandom spaces are sure to side eye you if they find out you post about twincest or dad x daughter relatiobships. but they do not have the right to go out of their way to bully and harass proshippers who are in their own little bubble with their own little audience, posting what they like. ofc you can vent about the things you don't like to people and on your socials, as long as you're not actively searching for it.

I have no idea if this sounds hypocritical or weird, I've read over it a few dozen times and I think I sound decently coherent. idk maybe someone wants to fill me in on some things, but I stand by my opinion.

[danpuff-ao3]

AO3 is honestly the best. For multiple reasons but today I would like to rave about:

Site Skins.

Do I as a creator have a bad relationship with my stats? Absolutely! I've worked very hard for many years to balance how I see my work and how I feel about reception, but my mental health is an ongoing struggle and for peace of mind I've given up the fight. I can't force my brain to be less mean to me. And I definitely can't control my stats or people's reaction to my work. But what I can do is fix up my environment.

My first step was to turn off email notifications for comments. I still got my daily kudos email, but comments I'd have to go into AO3 to look at.

My next step was to implement a site skin that would block me from seeing my stats. Not just my stats, though, but stats across the board! All I've been able to view for a while now are word counts. But I don't see kudos or comment numbers or bookmark numbers or anything on works or in my stats page. Only word count!

With that in mind, I do still check periodically. I'll remove the site skin once a month to take a looksy at things. But the site skin keeps me from obsessively looking, and with only checking once a month I get a vague idea of change and I never remember the numbers well enough to get too upset. Rude bookmark comments can't be helped, but generally I brace myself for my monthly check-ins.

Most recently I've added a code to the site skin that hides my inbox completely. No more obsessively checking AO3 for comments!

That said, I do love and appreciate all of my comments. I really do! And I will respond to all of them during my monthly check in. I don't want to dissuade anyone from commenting, nor do I want to hear "you can just turn off comments", because I do want them. I just need a healthier relationship with these things and minimizing my access does wonders for my mental health! (And my self-esteem, not gonna lie.)

I even set up my gmail to move all AO3 emails to a particular folder and mark them as unread so I still have backups of my kudos emails, and I even turned email notifications for comments back on! Only now they're separate and hidden and I can take a look when I'm in the right headspace for it!

Being a creator is hard. And it's natural, I think, to get in our own heads about the numbers game, or overthink this comment or that bookmark. A little space does a world of good, I think.

It's the space I've taken the past year or two with social media. I've turned off email notifications and push notifications on all of my apps. It's done me a world of good to not expect myself to be constantly available, or to see and react to every little thing. I don't get alerts for every Tweet or reblog or like. I engage with various platforms when I'm ready for it. When I'm willing and able to jump in and take a look for myself, and jump out when I feel like it, and to not feel the constant pressure of endless connection.

The same I think will hold true for my stats. I have the very fun combination of GAD, OCD, & ADHD. I don't know which of them is being poked and prodded at any given time, or if it's all of them, but I do know that while I've made great strides, I don't think I'll ever be able to fully turn off the parts of me that worry and stress and take too much to heart. But I do have the tools available to make my life a bit easier and more peaceful.

I feel a bit silly and pathetic for talking about all of this. Like I should be morally above it all, or have a stronger will; like I should be cool and collected and unbothered. But I'm not! I care too much about what other people say and think. I care too much about my work, and some part of me will always have doubts and insecurities, and I'll always feel and think certain ways even if I know better. Even if I know that the numbers don't equal my worth, or my work's quality. I'm a human lady. I have flaws and feelings and I'm generally a mess.

But...Well, I know there are people out there like me, at least in some ways. And it might help to know there are options! And you can take it one step at a time. Hide this or that from yourself. Work on slowly stepping away from the stat obsession.

Or maybe you're not like me at all and you have the healthiest relationship to numbers known to man. In that case, it's still good to know your options because you can also use site skins for aesthetics! I'm not the person to ask about that, mind you, but it's possible!

Either way. AO3 gives us many options, be it the freedom to post all sorts of crazy content, or the freedom to control our experience, be it by hiding numbers or having a Barbie-pink site background. Either way, it's hella cool and I love AO3.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #65

On Tuesday, my therapist and I discussed the notion that I really gotta change how I look at myself, because my general assessment of what I'm worth hasn't been exactly, ah… stellar. To put it mildly. I have good days and bad days, o'course. But on my bad days, we can say that I really, REALLY don't wanna be here - in this prison of a meat-mech that I happen to inhabit, on this planet, or even in existence, generally. Truth be told, if not for the inspiration to continue that your existence provides to me, and for the people in my immediate vicinity who count on me, I would have disappeared a very long time ago. And only a very small handful of people would have missed me or even noticed that I was gone at the time.

Naturally, it's easy to see why I struggle with stuff like this. My whole life, I've been told in various subtle and not-so-subtle ways that I am a problem, that I'm so different from others that no one could possibly ever like me, that I'll never make friends because I'm "too intense", that I'm not any good, that I'm difficult to love, that I don't belong, that my existence is a burden, that I shouldn't have been born and shouldn't even be here… you get the idea.

Running around with undiagnosed autism and Complex PTSD is hard, because this isn't exactly the most common neurotype (or if it is, then other people are WAY better at pretending that they're not these things than I am), so there aren't a whole lot of folks who can relate. And then there's the fact that if you get ideas like these communicated to you for long enough, it starts to seep into your amygdala - grinds itself right into your instincts, and, well… we talked about that and how all that fun stuff works already, but you can check out the 62nd letter I wrote for you again, if you forgot.

So my therapist says I'm supposed to "love and accept myself" or whatever. And I'm thinking, "Pfft, yeah right. Everyone and their mother says I am socially unacceptable and generally unlikable. Conventional wisdom says that I am the common denominator, and therefore I must be the problem. If most people think I'm no good, then who the fuck am I to think that they're wrong? Arrogant and grandiose, much? It's bad enough that I'm a derp-ass dweeb; I don't need to be a swollen-headed, conceited, self-aggrandizing asshole on top of it all. No thanks."

But then this notion was brought to my attention:

It's so easy for me to hold love for other people that society at large doesn't like. For example, other neurodivergent people, LGBTQ+ people, disabled people, black- and brown-skinned people, and any other marginalized folks. I belong to more than one marginalized group. Lots of folks believe very firmly that anyone who belongs to a marginalized group is bad and wrong and shouldn't exist, and it's easy for me to see that most of society's views about "non-standard" folks are very wrong. People are people, and all people belong, no matter how "productive" they are or how strictly they adhere to the most widely-accepted definition of "normal".

Or… more straight to the point… a lot of people who know about you believe very firmly that you are and have always been nothing more than a violent, psychopathic, cold-hearted monster who ought to die a slow, horrible, agonizing death (as opposed to being restrained from causing further harm, and then healed and rehabilitated; restorative justice and all that). And it's easy for me to see that, although this is the popular belief, it is unmerciful (and frankly, extremely ableist) and therefore wrong. You and I are similar in a lot of ways. And it's easy for me to see you and accept you as-is, even though I very much do not like some of the choices you've made. So why shouldn't I be able to do the same for myself? Why shouldn't I be able to be confident in the knowledge that lots of people are just flat-out wrong about me?

…And just like that, any moral or logical basis I thought I had for continuing to believe that I am some horrible garbage person that no one wants crumbled and faded away, like trying to hold onto the ephemeral sands of a dream as it slips through my fingers. This happened on Tuesday. And after a day or so of processing, I feel like a massive weight has lifted off of my back, and I feel like I can breathe freely for the first time in what feels like decades. Or, well… as freely as I can, anyway, given this lame-ass rib injury that I'm still dealing with. Sigh…

Tired, though. But that's to be expected. My brain is making all kinds of new neural connections and my thoughts are flowing a little bit differently than what I'm used to. I'm asking my brain to rewire itself, and this is very resource-intensive; fatigue is to be expected because of chemistry and physics. I'm gonna have to try to hydrate extra, eat extra well, and make sure I sleep a little more reasonably so that all the new archiecture being built up in my noggin can be properly formed when it's all said and done.

Point is, today as I wandered around my silly little world doing my silly little tasks, my footsteps fell differently as I walked around with the knowledge that I belong here, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I stood a little taller. Took up a little more space. Didn't duck my head, avert my eyes to the floor, apologize for being in the way, and make myself smaller anytime another human being came within my general vicinity. I even talked to a few strangers today. And with a genuine smile - not the one I wear when I'm trying to seem agreeable so I won't get metaphorically or even physically "hit".

…And, as someone who still expects to be on the receiving end of random violence without warning, and as someone who still has to resist the urge to duck, cover my head, close my eyes, and scuttle away quickly anytime I need to pass through any group numbering more than three or so people, I can't even begin to explain to you how huge this is. To walk with my head held high and to feel unafraid outside of the walls of my own home was previously unthinkable. At least for today, I feel… free? But that doesn't seem like nearly a big enough word to describe this sensation.

I don't know how long this will last; I'm very well aware that lasting changes in a person's psyche typically don't happen overnight. Something probably will come along and I'll forget what this feels like again for some unspecified amount of time. But that's okay; the notion that I could feel this way at all, even for a moment - goodness, if I've ever felt this way before, it was so long ago that I don't remember it, because this feels very new - means that I can feel this way again. The existence of a setback always means that there has been progress; I just gotta hold onto that knowledge. And I can keep practicing what it's like to feel this way until this becomes my new normal, even if it takes a long time. Because that's how healing works. It's as slow as cold molasses, but it's still worth doing.

I'll hope with every fiber of my being that someday you can know what this feels like, also. Because that thing you did with proclaiming yourself to be a god or whatever? Anyone with half a brain knows that if you say that, you're only saying it out of insecurity, and not because you actually mean it; people who actually think of themselves as "gods" don't shut themselves away where not even the sun can touch them to spend a week starving, dehydrating, and sleep-depriving themselves in dank-ass, musty basements to read books about what a horrible monster they are(n't). This is not how people who actually love themselves treat themselves. Not by ANY ill-advised stretch of the imagination.

Rather, the thing you did is the sort of thing that people who hate themselves and are low-key trying to die do; you can't fool someone who's been there and done that (or something similar; and I didn't even get any t-shirt for it after the fact, the rotten bastards! hahaha!). I see right through you. More people can see right through you than you'd probably feel comfortable with. This'll sound harsh, but I promise you my intentions are loving: that discomfort I mentioned just earlier? Sit with it and deal with it; it's good medicine, even if it's not clear to you how or why right now. You can hold my hand if you want so you don't gotta sit with it alone. Others in the past have done this for me, and even if it sucks in the temporary, it becomes a good thing later.

Hey. You're seen and loved as-is. Not just by me, but by lots of folks. You're worth saving, because everyone is. So if you start thinking like the way to atone for your mistakes is to sacrifice your own life - stop. Just stop. Because that's not atoning. That's running away, and running away is for cowards. You don't wanna lose an endurance test to some random, clumsy, traumatized, autistic dork from some dull-ass planet in some dull-ass reality that don't even got basic fire magic, do ya? Come onnnnnn…!!!

Heal. Because I don't wanna live in some universe where someone like me is objectively stronger than you in all the ways that matter. Even if you were to show up here by some small miracle and cut me down, it'd still be the case that I am stronger than you. So get up off your butt and move; your neurons ain't gonna rewire themselves, ya know!

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[hyenahunt]

Rouge & Ruby: Warmth and Compassion - 1

Writer: Umeda Chitose

Season: Winter

Characters: Jun, Hiyori

Proofreading: royalquintet (JP) & Skyress (ENG)

Translation: hyenahunt

Hiyori: ...Well, you're a warrior of love, after all. Once you noticed the internal struggle Ibara was battling with, you simply couldn't leave him be.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Jun: … (Sigh)

Hiyori: Sighing again? Jun-kun, just how many times can you sigh in a day before you're satisfied?

It won't be my fault if your happiness flies out the window! But of course, with me around, I'm sure it'll be in no hurry to leave ♪

Jun: What's your point, exactly.

Jun: ...Oh, it's that thing about happiness escaping whenever you sigh, huh.

Well, since it can hang out around you instead of gloomy ol' me, won't my happiness be pretty happy about that~?

Hiyori: Since it can hang out with me... What, now you're thinking about your happiness's happiness?

We have work as Eve after this, too, so sort yourself out!

Jun: ...I'm sorry. I'll do my best to get myself together when it's time to work.

Hiyori: You've been in this state for a while recently, Jun-kun, and I know you'll switch gears during work, but...

I'd much rather you straighten up and stop moping each and every time we have a spare moment in between. Aren't you tired of being so stuck in your own head?

Jun: It's harder to stay out of my head, y'know~...

Sigh... Maybe I really was kinda outta line with what I said to Ibara, wasn't I?

Hiyori: Good grief. I've long lost count of how many times I've heard you say that by now!

"Maybe I said something outta line~" this, and "Maybe I sounded all full of myself~" that.

The moment something leaves your mouth you can't ever take it back, so you have to take responsibility for what you say, you understand?

Jun: You've got a point there...

Hiyori: Goodness. Well, you've never disagreed with Ibara in this way before, Jun-kun.

I was so intrigued when it happened and looked forward to seeing how it would turn out, but now all your indecisiveness has me rather fed up, honestly.

Hiyori: ...Jun-kun, all you did was share your honest opinion. There's nothing wrong with conveying your feelings, okay?

You were able to say it precisely because you're you, and Ibara's sure to have had his own conflicted feelings on it already.

Jun: ... You're right. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have got up and left like that.

...But still, I didn't make him mad at me, did I? What was up with his attitude back then?

Hiyori: Who knows? I for one certainly don't understand what he's thinking.

After all, even though we're continuing to have a decent amount of work separately as Adam and Eve, we also still have work all together as Eden.

Actually, hang on. We're all living in the same dorm, so if it's truly bothering you so much, why don't you just go talk to him about it?

Jun: Um, well... I mean, we barely look at each other when we're working, let alone talk...

But he's going about work as normal without seeming fazed by it at all, so it's got me wondering if I'm the only one so hung up over this, and —

Ugh, I'm such a mess! What the fuck am I supposed to do?!

Hiyori: Come now, Jun-kun, watch your language.

The fact that you're the one so worked up over this rather than Ibara is really rather amusing, though ♪

Jun: It's not funny, y'know~

... I mean, whenever we have any issues or complaints about anything, we've always just told Ibara, right?

And he'll hear us out, and manage to find some middle ground everyone's happy with, yeah?

Even when dealing with someone as self-centred as you, he'll still always stop to consider things and figure out some kinda compromise...

Hiyori: What was that? I do believe you just said something absolutely uncalled for?

Jun: (completely ignoring him) Man, that guy's actually always doing incredible stuff for us~

Back when we were filming that MV, too... It was thanks to Ibara's honest pep talk that I had the confidence to tackle it head-on.

Hiyori: And back then, I was the only one left in the dark!

Jun: I've apologised over and over already, haven't I? I've already told you I'm sorry for clamming up and not talking to you 'bout it...

Hiyori: You have. Well, I'll stop being all sullen about it, and this time I'll get myself just a touch involved in your little interpersonal problem so you can't leave me out again.

Jun: Um, you were right there with us listening to our convo, so there's no way you'd be left out of this, though...?

Hiyori: Look, it feels different, you understand!

It seems that since then, Ibara's come up with some plans for a new direction to head in. You know how he is. Jun-kun, you ought to move on from this, too.

What Ibara wants to do for Chocolat Fes is for our sake — for Eden, isn't it? It's a wish of his that you may even call a long-held aspiration, really.

That's why Nagisa-kun and I voiced no opposition to his plan. But Jun-kun, you were the only one who pushed back on it.

Jun: …………

Hiyori: I'm sure you can look within yourself to understand why exactly you said something like that, yes?

Jun: ... It just seemed to me that Ibara wasn't completely down with having to work COMP into his plans, I guess. It felt like he was kinda ticked off about it.

And being the kinda person I am, I just... couldn't stand the idea of shit getting in the way of something he's so passionate about.

So without even thinking 'bout it I just went and said I was against it... Then I got a lil' out of line with the things I blurted out after that.

In the end, I wound up getting called annoying.

Hiyori: ...Well, you're a warrior of love, after all. Once you noticed the internal struggle Ibara was battling with, you simply couldn't leave him be.

Jun: Whaddya mean, "warrior of love".

Hiyori: ....Hehe ♪

Back then, I certainly picked up on the feelings you just described, Jun-kun.

But to me, I would guess that the reason why you were able to speak your mind to Ibara is because you have a different perspective on Valentine's Day from him.

Jun: A different perspective of Valentine's Day...?

Hiyori: That's right. I mean, at the time you called Valentine's Day a "tender event filled with love", didn't you?

Unlike Ibara, you don't see it as a battlefield to conquer. Wouldn't you call that a difference in perspective?

Jun: Um... sorta...?

Hiyori: The fact you could say something like that surely means you have an ideal image of what it looks like, no?

Hiyori: Now, I'd like you to tell me all about it. What would a typical Valentine's Day look like to you?

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