#i don't really know

[nonbinary-corvid]

Unhinged pinterest conversation with someone who is not in the hannibal Fandom. I think I nailed my hannibal impression.

[hyperfixiation-station]

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Information Pt.3

TW: Blood, Torture, Violence

Summary: You get rescued(finally)

Part 1, Part 2

Silent. From the moment Price had found you in that dingy cell, broken and bleeding, that was all you had been. You were silent when they moved you, though it had to have hurt with how many broken bones and lacerations you had. You were silent when the medics asked you where you were injured, how you had been hurt. You were silent through the debriefings, through the desperate attempts to find out what you had been through, what secrets you had spilled. You were silent through all of it. 

It wasn’t your fault, not really. A mental barrier you had constructed during months of torture to keep secrets from spilling, a dam built with a mantra of DON’T TALK to keep your thoughts at bay as your captors repeatedly tried to draw them out of you. 

Even now, when the rational part of your brain knew you were safe, knew that these men, the men you served with, the men who had tracked you down and saved you, were to be trusted, the barrier would not fall. 

Every ‘what did they want from you, what did you see, did you recognize them, how many of them were there’ was met with silence. Anytime you opened your mouth you were hit with a wave of fear so strong it sent you into a panic attack. 

They understood, in part. They had seen recordings, seen the rooms, seen your broken body at the time of rescue. 

It took them 2 days to get to you after figuring out your location. They went in guns blazing, and tore the place to the ground. They split up, Price and Gaz taking the left with Soap and Ghost taking the right. They shot at anything that moved in their quest for vengeance, breaking down doors and checking every nook and cranny for where you might be locked up. 

Price found you about a quarter of the way into the camp. He took the bottom floor and Gaz took the top as they cleared the building. He had stopped before a door that was different, metal and welded shut with a small little flap in the middle, instead of solid and wooden like the others. It took him and Gaz some prying and metalwork, but they got the door open. 

Price almost cried when his eyes adjusted to the change in light. You lay curled in the corner, back to the wall as you shied away from the light. Your hair was tangled and matted with dried blood, your clothes were torn and dirty and your skin was crusted with so much blood and grime that he couldn’t even see you underneath it. 

“Y/n?” He had called, but there was no response. He crept slowly toward you, keeping his movements as open and relaxed as possible. He crouched in front of you, taking note of your dilated pupils, sunken eyes, obviously malnourished form. He winced at the weird bulges in your skin, indicative of broken bones. 

“Sorry love.” He whispered to you, taking a steadying breath as he slid his arms under you and lifted. Hise expected you to cry out, the action no doubt causing unspeakable pain, but you didn’t. In fact, you didn’t react at all. He didn’t dwell on it then, opting to get you somewhere safe and secure. 

“9 broken ribs, a broken left femur, both shoulders dislocated, pneumonia, dehydration and severe malnutrition, multiple lacerations that required stitches, broken wrists, all 10 fingers broken, right kneecap dislocated, multiple concussions, and a hairline fracture on their skull.” The doctor had said. It hurt all of them to hear how badly wounded you were. 

They gave you two weeks to recover before asking any questions. The first week you were unconscious, in a coma as your body tried to heal you. The second week you spent in worrying silence, saying nothing to anyone, not to your doctors, not to your teammates, not to your friends.

Price sent Ghost in first. He had had similar experiences and Price figured he would be able to relate. However when Ghost came storming out an hour later, slamming the door behind him, he came to regret that decision. 

“I got over it.” He had said, “Why can’t they?” Price reminded him that not everyone responds to trauma the same way and sent him away.

Soap tried next, and came out near tears after sending you into a panic attack after calling you ‘Little Bird’. He was confused until Ghost not-so-gently reminded him of the video they had seen, of the words ‘Pretty Bird’ being used over and over. Ghost pretended not to hear him throwing up in the toilet later. 

Gaz tried, to no avail. He ended up just sitting in silence with you, showing you videos of his cats. He counted it a victory when your busted lips twitched into a tiny grin for a few seconds.

And on and on it went, with refusing to speak to anyone. They were losing hope until the psychiatrist finally spoke with you. 

“GIve them time.” She said gently, “You trying to force a response will just make this worse.” 

So they do. The higher-ups still want answers, of course, but Price manages to dissuade them from asking until you are out of the hospital. They spend the weeks treating you as normal as possible, stopping by to give you updates on missions, show you a video of Soap absolutely biffing it in training, tell you the latest gossip of which recruit is sleeping with who. But even though they are trying, they still handle you with kiddie gloves, afraid that the wrong word or look will make you shatter irreversibly. 

Which brings you to now. It’s nearly 2 A.M, and visiting hours are long over as you stand unsteadily in the bathroom, staring at your pale, pathetic form in the mirror. You open and close your mouth, trying and failing to get words out, the barrier cemented in your mind by blood and tears too strong to break down.  

‘Speak, you stupid fucking bitch!’ You scream mentally at yourself, ‘You have to speak! If you don’t you'll be discharged and you'll never be able to serve again! They already think you’re broken, and if you can’t tell them different they’ll never treat you the same. Stop. being. So. Fucking. Pathetic.’

Tears streak your cheeks as you slide down the wall. You draw your knees up, hiding your face in them as your shoulders shake with silent sobs. Rationally, you know you are safe. Rationally, you know that if you were to speak, nothing would happen. But it’s not the rational part of your brain that is keeping you from speaking. 

Going dark in that hellhole you were trapped in had saved your life, and you couldn’t seem to get past it. Sure, not responding had almost killed you right at first, as Kravchenko became more and more ruthless in his attempts to get you to speak again, but eventually he grew bored. His little plaything had lost its sparkle, and he locked you in a cell and threw away the key as soon as he lost interest. But starving to death was still a better alternative to the all-consuming agony that had been your day-to-day. 

And now, the subconscious, irrational part of your brain was convinced that if you spoke you’d be dragged right back and strapped to a table, that you’d wake up to find that your rescue had all been a dream. That you-

“-/n! Y/N! Y/N!” You flinch, startled out of your reverie. You look down to see rivulets of blood running down your arms, your nails having gouged holes into your skin. You look up to see the eyes of a worried nurse, holding your hands in hers. 

“There you are. We lost you for a minute. Do you mind letting me bandage you up here?” Her voice is soft and gentle and you find yourself nodding, letting her lead you back to your bed where she cleans and bandages your upper arms. 

“What are you doing up so late sweetie?” Her voice is calming, almost hypnotic, “I mean, I’m awake cause I get paid to be, but you should be sleeping all your injuries away, shouldn’t you dearie? If I was you, I’d of been cryin’ too, being awake at 2 A.M. for free.” She laughs, the sound echoing through the room, “Course, I suppose you probably think I’m crazy for agreeing to work this shift anyways. Did you know I was supposed to have this shift off? But Roberta’s kids have the flu and so I agreed-” She keeps talking, her voice soothing your fears and helping you relax. YOu can’t help but mentally thank Roberta’s kids for being sick, for sending this wonderful lady who does not treat you like you're going to break at any moment to you tonight. 

“And that should about do it dearie. Just press that little call button if you need any more help, alright?” She says cheerfully. She squeezes your hand and heads to the door before pausing. 

“Make sure to get some sleep.” She leaves, gently closing the door behind her. Something about her makes you feel safer than you have since falling off that helicopter. Maybe it was her motherly demeanor, maybe it was the fact that she treated you like a normal human being, maybe it was the fact that she could have put you on a psych hold an ddin;t, but whatever it was, you loved her for it. 

And as the door closes and the room stills, you whisper a quiet “thanks.” 

Part 4?

~tags~

@louthedino @scarletdfox @dangerkitten1705 @warenai @spineless-spino @rainy-darling

[mayhaps-a-blog]

OK so the thing is

The path to the Dark Side isn't just kriffing up. You don't just go "whoops!" one day and start murdering people for fun. You make decisions. You make choices. And when those choices go bad... instead of standing up and admitting your mistakes, you double down.

Sol's Fall perfectly hits the beats that I think many people lose track of with Anakin - his first Fall wasn't with Palpatine in Revenge of the Sith, but with the Tuskens in Attack of the Clones. Anakin goes from sobbing in Padme's arms that he killed the women, and the children too - he killed them all - to screaming that they were monsters and they deserved it. Instead of facing his mistakes - the lives that he took in anger, in rage - he insisted that you know what, he was right to do that. He did the right thing. He's glad he did it. And he'll do it again.

Sol kriffed up. He was too emotional on Brendok - Indara called him out on it, and she was right. The witches DID love their children, he DID get the wrong end of the stick, and however weird they were and worrisome the bits they saw with the kids were, the answer to that is to find out more information or, I don't know, wait one kriffing day, not charge in, lightsabers drawn.

(I don't blame Torbin, really. He was also totally out of balance, but he was the Padawan learner - the student who needed guidance, not the Master supposed to deliver it. Mother Aniseya had gotten into his head and thrown him for a loop, and Indara needed to sit on him a bit more - but if she'd been on a speeder instead of Sol, I think things would have worked out very differently.)

Instead it was Sol, who dragged Torbin into a dangerous situation without thinking of the consequences - without even considering that he might be wrong.

Honestly, I'm not even sure I blame him for swinging at Mother Aniseya. Mae had said some pretty worrisome things and was literally dissolving into midair. I blame Sol for being there in the first place, where he had no place, and for putting everyone on edge so far that Mother Aniseya felt the need to move to protect her children, and he felt the need to retaliate unthinkingly.

And then. And then.

Hard to say if Indara did the right thing. She was thinking about Osha, and I don't think she was necessarily wrong. She gave Osha a chance to have the life she dreamed of, a chance she would never have had otherwise.

But Sol.

Sol should never have taken Osha as his Padawan. He was too close; the hurt was too painful to hide. He couldn't tell Osha the truth, so he buried it, papered it over with justifications and excuses - he'd done it for Osha. For the girls. To keep them safe. It was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do. He did it for Osha. And that gave him the means to look Osha in the eyes and smile, and pretend everything was fine.

But of course, he couldn't let her go, either. He'd done it all for her - he couldn't fail her now. Couldn't admit that he'd failed her. He had to make this right - (but it was right already it was it was) - but the closer he bound them together, the harder it was to let go of his attachment to her. After all, if he told her now... what if she hated him?

Sol loved Osha too much from the very beginning. He couldn't let go of his attachment to her: to his idea that he could save her, could train her, to be the master he wanted to be for her. He couldn't face his own failures, so he refused to see them; insisted that they were correct, right, justified, to the last. And in the end, that's what poisoned Osha - and himself.

He was afraid. Afraid for her; afraid for himself. And his fear led to anger - at the Master, at himself. And his fear led to anger - Osha's, at him, for papering over his fears with lies, lies to her. And anger led to hatred. And hatred? Led to suffering.

No one walked away from Brendok without suffering. Not Osha; not Mae. Maybe Qimir; maybe not. But definitely not Sol.

Sol had to make a choice. And he made one. But he didn't just make one choice; he made many choices, over and over again. And no matter what excuses he gave, what justifications, he could never bring himself to admit that maybe, just maybe, he'd made the wrong choices.

Sol's lightsaber may not have been red. But I think, if he'd finished that swing on Khofar? It might not have been all that far from it.

[somerandomdudelmao]

I CANT HELP IT HOW DETAILED YOU CAN BE

The way the ninpo almost looks like its Mixing with each other when Donnie holds Mikey, his uniform rectangles overlapping Mikeys painful squiggles I

AHHHH, TY FOR THE GOOD FOOD

(Also, I can't help but notice Leo had no ninpo light up when he was carrying mikey 🥺🥺 ahhhh)

Thank you:>

And. Yeah.

Leo lost his ninpo before Cassandra found Casey. So Casey's basically never seen his sensei use magic in his life.

[yourspacevirus]

Dedicated to that one person probably.

[allasters]

Hey tumblr.com, here's this guy

[lilyosamu]

I was scrolling on tik tok and i saw a video that talk how Fyodor isn't selfish and thinks that what he does is for humanity and etc etc.

I agree but what hit me hard is that when i think about Fyodor I think how intelligent he is, ofc he isn't as intelligent as Ranpo but also there are diffrent kind of intellience so you can't really compare that easily, Fyodor is more calculative than Ranpo.

Omg does it shows how i write that I have ADHD I wanted to say something that i didn't even wrote, i went to 3 diffrent things. I need to stay focus.

What i want to say is that as much that Fyodor and Dazai or Ranpo are intelligent they are delusional. I guess it's pretty funny to think about

Ranpo can crack any cases but not really people or he didn't understand when he was younger that others weren't as intelligent as him.

Fyodor is delusional to think that whatever he does it's good because clearly it's not, his view is twisted

And

Dazai is the same, sorry for Dazai defenders but he is clearly depressed and depression can influance the thinking of a peron more importantly a human so just by that Dazai could know he is a human because he struggles but that's another story damm i need to stay focus.

I guess it's interesting to see humans that have an iq above 200 but are still prisoners of their minds because their weakness is being human.

because only humans have self conscious and judge everything, have crtical thinking and i personality

[starlostlix]

MORE BSD 117 SPOILERS IM TALKING MORE ABOUT BRAM AND AYA AND ALSO AKUTAGAWA

I think Asagiri really did well with writing them (to me Asagiri is actually really good at writing character dynamics especially duos, it's extended plot lines where things may get messy).

There's symbolism/shared themes both ways. For example, carrying people on their back. It's what Aya spent a long while doing when Bram was still part sword, and it's what Bram used to do for his daughter. Bram's daughter even said that one day she'd even carry Bram on her back because she'd become strong - which she didn't necessarily get to do because of her young death. But Aya, who looks almost exactly like her, was able to. Bram through Aya got to see what his daughter would have grown to do and saw her strength develop when faced with.... well whatever has been going on at this airport. Not only did it let Bram hold up the promise he made to his daughter, but it also let him protect her when he couldn't before.

Knights. The promise Bram made to Aya was that he'd be her knight and protect her from all harm. Likely he made a similar one to his daughter. And he, through circumstances that aren't his fault, has broken that promise to Aya. But this time he doesn't seem to be too mad at himself - I mean Aya is pretty mad at him, and Bram may have to die with the idea that she hated him for it (which may be punishment enough). That's because Aya is still alive and will be protected after his death, the way his daughter couldn't be. Protected by Akutagawa, yes, but also by her own strength - she has to be her own knight. She's got the strength that has built up over her life and the time Bram has known her, contrasting the way Bram couldn't see his daughter become strong as her life was taken too early. Aya has now two knights - herself and Akutagawa.

There's also this flashback vs this moment. Seemingly promises and grief are very important here. The father was both angry for breaking his own vow to protect her and also cried for his daughter. The daughter was angry as he broke his vow to protect her and yet cried for her 'father'. They both feel anger, usually directed at Bram himself for breaking a promise of protection. But that anger cannot overshadow Aya's grief. Seemingly, both of them would not ever have much time together on the mortal plain. But, despite the tragedy, Bram has found not only a way to reunite with his daughter but also protect Aya, her doppelgänger, the way he couldn't with his daughter. He leaves Aya's protection in the hands of Akutagawa (and Aya herself), and rejoins his family in the afterlife.

Now, Akutagawa is finally back and not a vampire, and with a new purpose - to protect Aya from harm. And in this page here, his eyes are drawn differently - his eyes have some light. Since BSD uses eyes as a way to show the level of taintedness of a character's soul, and traditionally akutagawa's eyes have been fully black, it is clear that there has been a change in Akutagawa. He has a new purpose away from Dazai and the Port Mafia that has seemingly healed some of what tainted his soul. He's protecting someone, as he usually does with Atsushi, but now it's of more noble intentions of protection and less of a desire for recognition from Dazai. There's no part of protecting Aya that truly benefits him, his only goal here is the protection of a young child who has been forced into the middle of a conflict. In a way, he's protecting someone similar to his younger self or his younger sister, who by circumstances were forced to fend for themselves at an early age. And I think that might be what's healing him, an element of closure or something like that. Proof that he can protect someone like himself and his sister or his childhood friends, with less rash behaviour and a more effective approach. If that's what ends up happening, comparisons to Beast would be really interesting.

[I think I just wanted to talk about this chapter like this because it's really interesting and none of my irls have kept up with BSD in ages. The end kind of slid into theorising what may happen next but mostly it's just cool stuff about the chapter I think. Am I going to talk about Kunikida and Tanizaki and all that?... I don't know yet I can never be sure that anyone in this series is dead besides Bram.]

[evermore-4-life]

to me clara bow is taylor appreciating the women who came before her, and the women who came after her, while also criticising the industry that she is such a big part of, and doing both of those at once is just so her

[dontmind-thismess]

VERY literal translations of *some* MDZS locations

Yunmeng 云梦 = Cloud dream

Qinghe 清河 = Clear river

Lanling 兰陵 = Orchid hill

Qishan 岐山 = the 'Qi' used in Qishan is actually almost exclusively for Qishan, but it has another meaning: an alternate form of 歧 (Qi), which has one translation of forked road, so Qishan = Forked road mountain (?)

Gusu 姑苏 = Lady's tassel (really not sure about this one, both characters have many meanings)

[wanderingmind867]

I'm upset and yet also just really kind of sad right now. I don't have the energy for pure anger and rage, since I feel tired and drained. But I'm infuriated that I get internet at school now. Because the access to Internet is completely destroying my ability to focus on my book. It's horrible. I just wanted to be able to read, but the awful situation with the internet at school makes me incapable.

Because think of it this way. With internet, I can now read whatever I want online. This means infinite distractions. And thanks to the stupid EA who forced me to get the internet at school, I'm now unable to read 99% of the time. I just want to hit the forget button on the internet so badly…

In fact, I just did. Turns out it works with one click (something I really didn't think would be true). So now I'm no longer signed in to the school's wifi, and yet I'm somehow ecstatic about that. So let's just hope the EA doesn't complain that I did this, because this has brought me a great amount of hope and faith for my reading situation at school.

[unknown-art-room1]

Hexapedibusaur! Six legged stegosaurus! Why? Because I made a creature maker system and I got this cutie!

[pardonmydelays]

I think YouTube shorts or the IG reels have it too. Definitely siri, but her voice is more robotic.

Hello Poppy, you should watch this video today! I heard it's a real human voice though

but the only reels i watch are the ones from clancy tour so...

[deltarune-au-domain]

Thank you Toby Fox.

[tblsomedoodles]

My current DnD character is literally just Raph

soooo

as part of my irl job i get to play DnD once a month with a varying group of like 9-14 year olds. Usually i play a little Tiefling Cleric to keep all party members alive. but I recently found that I could made a damn ninja turtle in dnd so i played a DnD version of Raph this saturday instead.

first of all, it was great, i drew these during the game. (cleaned them up digitally later)

Second, i feel so bad for this dude, b/c he literally spend the entire session chasing children around a cave as they tried to do EVERYTHING except the mission. he was just so done that at one point he was physically pushing a group of them into the next room lol.

Anyways, i may do more with this at somepoint in the future, but i don't want to really get too distracted with it now. (and i would get very distracted with it.) so for now, just enjoy my DnD Raph turned babysitter lol : )

[alchemicon]

Am i the only one that feels weird when people describe dazai as a womanizer, say he fucked the nurse etc? Like to me he is so gay coded that i just can't take his whole flirting with women thing seriously. It feels part of his clown persona and not a sincere representation of his character at all. I know that irl dazai was a womanizer, but bsd takes inspiration from the lives of the authors and twists the events to craft entirely new characters (eg dazai was the one who admired akutagawa irl not the other way around). And one important thing is how none of his relationships with women have any substance. He's shown to respect them sure, but emotionally his relations to them are completely empty. He admires their beauty, but it is with men that he always has deeper emotional connections with (his life was literally changed by chuuya and oda, because of his relationship with them) I think people who genuinely consider him a womanizer, fall for his act, his clown mask if you will.