#i don't mean like 'oh that's ugly'
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s04ep15 "indian wars" is a prime example of when miami vice gets really frustrating. they've got main characters standing at the edges of the scenes with nothing to do. trudy, gina, switek, are lucky if they have one line or one action. in one scene, olivia brown behaves like she's modeling for a magazine shoot except no one is looking at her
trudy's primary duties have always been, but are now explicitly, fetching faxes and making phonecalls (secretary). many of gina's shots are from behind her head so you can't even see saundra's face. it's like someone said "we need all the actors on screen" but then no one wrote anything for them to do. they used to, since it's an office, be at their own desks working on their own cases instead of all clustered in one spot and on one case. i get that it became the don johnson show, but even then could you at least have him interact with the other characters in the scene? like he used to?
anyway, good on john diehl for leaving in s3 bc they all deserved better
#complaining about a dead show#i'm just so confused why would you film it like this?#fandom#dnly rants#miami vice#even dj's lines and scenes are so lazily written#you've got a talented actor carrying your show on his back#and you're just like 'nah he can say some one liners and raise his voice now and then'#also the costume design team must be throwing up on themselves because the outfits stop working for anyone#i don't mean like 'oh that's ugly'#i mean they used to coordinate colors and styles per pairing#now it's just like mall mannequins in a dimly lit window#dnly tv#^^^all that aside PMT served looks this episode
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So I know you’ve mentioned it before but I just wanted to hear again your thoughts on Tim x Ives
ooohohohooo timives the gently doomed romance of it all ♥
in robin '93 and even briefly in rr09 ives is just always kind of there. he drifts out of tim's life sometimes, but he always drifts back in, later. and he's been tim's civilian best friend for so long, and tim knows so many of his secrets. they click. they don't judge each other. they make each other laugh. if tim's gonna fall for anyone he knows in his civilian life, of course it would be ives. who else has been there, been a constant, the way ives has? of course it's ives. but at the same time there's something so tasty about their contrast - the way tim runs headlong towards danger every time, while ives describes himself as a coward. the way tim feels like he has to protect him.
to me, ives is tim's first m/m relationship. it happens in a manner so cliché they both laugh at it: after taking a gap year or two, to wrangle his depression and his ptsd and his Everything, tim decides to get his ged and maybe try college (lucius tells him he'd make a great engineer at waynetech r&d, but he needs a degree for it, and he figures, okay, what the hell, he's already good at tinkering, how hard can getting a bachelor's degree in engineering be?). and then he remembers the difficult thing about being a vigilante and having a full courseload at the same time and goes AUGH. and ives, a year or two ahead of him in university classes (and majoring in something else, but still there) laughs at him. and offers to tutor him. and tim goes yeah fuck okay fine sure yeah. what the Fuck is a free body diagram. and ives laughs at him some more but also really does help him out. (when he gets really stuck and confused, especially on his second semester of chemistry, he phones up zoanne, but that's neither here nor there.)
so tim and ives have this cute little romance over study dates at cozy cafes, over accidentally running into each other at a queer student association meeting and going "oh!" about it, over movie nights at ives's apartment where they squabble over a bowl of popcorn and tim pretends he didn't sleep through the last half of the two towers, disc 2. and it feels nice, and easy, and simple...
...until it doesn't. because tim shows up to a study date with a black eye that even his best attempts at makeup can't fully hide. tim has to miss dinner, and then their rain check dinner, and only comes to the third attempt half an hour late and limping. tim is tired all the time. and he's always been sleepy all the time, but now ives is wondering. and they're making out one day and ives's hand curls over the back of tim's neck and then he recoils, because tim, what is all this scarring, what happened, holy shit is this why you grew out your hair and keep wearing turtlenecks?!
and tim goes. ah. fuck.
and it's only a matter of time. it has only ever been a matter of time. because ives knows him. but he's been lying to ives the entire time they've known each other. the other shoe has always been going to drop. it was only ever a question of when. never if.
so ives finds him out. and he's shocked, and hurt, and betrayed, but then he's even more distraught to realize that he's not that shocked. it makes sense - why tim's always tired, why tim has always been kind of flaky, why tim has always had weird injuries now and then, why tim is so unbothered in the face of things that terrify ives. but what gets him is that these are things he's thought were always just... tim. because tim has been lying to him the entire time they've known each other.
so they break up, but it's softer than it could've been. because ives gets it, he swears. he gets why tim lied. but this is... a lot, and he needs some time to process all of it, and how he feels about it, and about tim. because it's hard to reconcile his goofy gearhead (ex-)boyfriend with a caped crusader who patrols the city by night, fighting crime and solving mysteries. hard to realize just how much tim has boxed up his own life and taken care to only ever let ives see part of it. he gets it - he's not angry, after the initial outburst - but it's hard, and he needs some time. he needs some space.
and so tim's secrets eat away at one more person he cherishes. it was inevitable. they were doomed from the start. but they made each other happy anyways, for a time.
(the coda, to me: tim and ives reconnect and start working on their friendship again a few months later, and tim promises to try not to lie to him anymore, and in an effort to actually show ives the other half of his life, he introduces him to kon. so we have tim sitting there struggling with feelings and complications of feelings and what it means to be honest and to be seen. meanwhile kon says something about his opinions on star wars and ives goes "BRO i am going to KISS YOU on the MOUTH" and tim goes wait. WHAT?)
#answers#gettinggreenerforme2#the timkon coda (bc theyre endgame. to me.) to this is like#ives just looks at tim and clocks him instantly like. ah. hes pining for kon-el isnt he.#kon leaves and ives nudges tim and goes ''so. he's nice huh?''#and tim goes ''...hn.''#and ives waggles his eyebrows a little and goes ”and he's cute huh?''#and tim (thinking oh god did ives just instantly start crushing on kon?) begins to experience the five stages of grief#tim: they just met once and sure. they clicked and exchanged numbers! but that doesn't mean anything. i shouldn't jump to conclusions.#also tim: i don't know why i have this ugly feeling in my gut right now but i think if they get married i wouldn't be able to fake being ha#tim: ............ wait. what?#your honor he may be stupid. and mentally ill. but mostly stupid#but god. soft-but-doomed-from-the-start timives GETS MEEEEE#this is tims first queer experience in my mind. not that other guy.#tim#ives#timives
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I'M GONNA SEE MY MAN, 'TIL I GET SATISFIED / for @izzy-hands
#ofmdedit#ourflagmeansdeathedit#ofmd#our flag means death#edward teach#izzy hands#israel hands#edits#ofmd spoilers#useravia#userbecca#i started this as a tribute to the character and by association my dear avia who knows her faves and her messy old men#but it wasn't supposed to be so angsty i wanted something to cheer you up! forgive me hon gsdgs-d#the absolute chokehold this song has on me carried me away i suppose#no one look to closely at the shade of magenta cause they're inconsistent as hell#but i could talk for HOURS about the intricacies of this dynamic#don't even really care ship-wise#just the absolute queer insanity that is to be stuck in such a vicious cyle of love and loyalty so deep#they turn ugly and they make monsters and you feel those monsters are your responsibility cause 'you and i made him like this'#so you endure!!!!! cause when's a monster not a monster!!!! oh when you love it#and other tragic quotes
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if i have to sit through one more conversation in which i have to listen to someone chirp about the benefits of AI, i am going to stab someone
#my teacher is gonna make us have an AI unit 😨😨#what the fuck even is an AI unit#this is ethnic studies#and every time i have to sit there and act like the other person has a point when they're all just saying the exact same thing#“oh but it's impressive” yeah that's cause it's copied off the uncredited works of actual writers you dumbass#“yeah but i just use it to write quick emails” that's so fucking embarrassing what do you mean you can't write a fucking email#“i only use it as a tool” a tool for what? generative AI is a sad inefficient excuse of a 'tool' just use google it's not that hard#it's actually quite sickening not even gonna lie#i'll be talking to people who are supposed to be good at their job#and fully grown adults who i expect to be at least moderately competent when it comes to writing and they're out here relying on chatgpt#and i'll see people using chatgpt as a source too#like what happened to citing our sources? what happened to using credible sites? chatgpt is not a source#this is like basic middle school level media literacy#and not only that#but what also disgusts me is that these people don't even seem to care that AI is awful for the planet#it doesn't matter if your ugly fucking art is draining a whole goddamn lake because it's “pretty” and “impressive”#fucking hell#give me a break#fuck generative ai#me and the homies hate ai#anti ai#mxpotatoposts#jesus christ these tags are like 10 times longer than my actual post lmao
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I was going to have rye maaaybe start to buy into solas' whole johnny silverhand deal a little bit more in the post-weisshaupt talk -- to Progress the Arc tm/set up the beginning softening in that relationship and heighten the effect when it eventually goes. quite another way entirely -- but the sheer spectacular cruelty in hindsight of 'at least you still have varric to talk to' is such that considering where I'm intending to end up with this narratively, the stoic 'not here to make friends you fucker gimme your intel' option is simply irresistible. gotta have that echo rattling around rye's head forever when he decides that you know what? I have had enough of being nice, actually. I do want to go ape shit. someone hold my coat for me please I have some work to do and I don't want to stain it. guess for now the ol' watcher training & instincts are still kicking in enough for them to treat solas like a tricky spirit you should treat with respect and good intentions, but also shouldn't be out there offering little fingers to unless you have a whole arm lying around to spare haha
#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#I LOVED weisshaupt as a mission tho. I've seen it through multiple times and still my heart was going so fucking fast haha#also bringing lucanis with you is SO funny and weirdly sweet even tho you miss the 'you call that nice and quiet??' part#(you get neve just swearing instead! a very good substitute hfdskjah sorry neve...)#it really feels like he and rook keep turning to each other as everything escalates exponentially with like...#helpless and numb but deeply companionable shrugs. we are both equally near-existentially baffled by this. but at least#we are near-existentially baffled by this *together*. thanks man. yeah I mean. she IS a cloud. i don't know what else to say here#all we can do is give it a shot right. yeah. yup. good talk dude check in with you in a minute we gotta kill some ghouls#and then the Arcs both lucanis and rye are on with davrin too especially when they're all making peace in the library...#*steeples fingers with narrative glee and excitement* yes yeeess it's all coming together#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#I love solas so much. but that comment is straight up so awful. he says it sooo... *smugly*. it's because he's frustrated#at his powerlessness and being denied access to rook's interior life and getting his hooks into them psychologically I realize#which is his best and only path back to agency at this point#but it's such an ugly instinct to drop something like that in there because it makes YOU feel better#that was not just a 'oh better remind rook they can always talk to their old pal varric for tactical reasons!' there was feeling in that#tho you know the reason I love solas is primarily the multiple other comments he has through that convo#that are laugh out loud hilarious to me. he's such a little SHIT!!! always and forever <3#listen man... in another life I'll come back for you and we'll be kinder to each other that time in the end huh
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i think, and this may just be my zekrom bias speaking, that if someone wants to experience the full value of bw's story it's better to play through white first. black has the issue of coming off as very dismissive towards plasma's legitimate and well-founded claims that pokemon abuse DOES occur (and it does! from the kanto games' marowak to bw2's liepard there's instances where it's put in the spotlight, so it certainly does happen)... by assigning the protagonist to truth, it feels pretty evident that n's beliefs are "wrong", and the game just seems to brush any questioning aside.
on the other hand, white giving n the hero of truth role means we're basically forced to think about what that means for the relationship of people and pokemon at large. to translate a point n makes in chargestone cave: if you allow people to coexist with pokemon, even if the majority of trainers treat them well, there will always be someone somewhere out there who abuses or neglects them instead. are we okay with that? should those pokemon still be allowed to suffer, just because what they experience is an outlier to the general rule? while not outright stated, zekrom's association with hope and the strive for the ideal suggests that we don't brush off these facts, but instead take them into consideration, and aim to change the world based off of them... like how in bw2 society in unova puts a lot more emphasis on the bond between people and pokemon, and on pokemon as equals (see: iris's dialogue before entering your team info the hall of fame).
i think black version has its own unique avenues to explore, but on the surface level, it's a much more cut and dry, "no, you're just wrong", type of story that kind of makes you work harder to fit it into bw's overall theming of "the world's not black and white, there's not a singular objective right or wrong perspective."
#text#pokemon bw#this is inspired by a few posts i've come across over the past handful of months including a poketuber's who completely missed the point#i think black version should've been handled with as much care as white. because how gamefreak did it was kind of.. well lazy#and downright mean at times (white getting way more version exclusives due to white forest + black 2 making black city an empire of greed#with kinda. i don't know. depressing visuals like route 4 being turned into suburbia)#(oh and leaving in stuff like thundurus's cry over tornadus's + the castelia city paintings still being 'ugly truth and eternal ideals')#it may be too much to hope that there'll be some reworking in the inevitable remakes#that gives more credit black versions telling of the story but i doubt it. this is modern tpc we're talking about#ANYWAY yeah i think if you want to engage with the plot white version is the more rounded of the two. and i've played all 4 gen 5 games so#i was able to get a pretty good comparison between my experiences with the version differences#and oh for the record this is not a diss on anyone who takes the wrong messages from black becausefrankly black presents the wrong messages#even if it did not actively intend to. turns out just changing the word 'ideals' to 'truth' is not enough to be compelling
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Just saw this on Quora and wtf:
I may not like Madoka Magica(and in fact anyone who follows me for long enough will know that I hate that anime with a burning passion), but even so that still doesn't make comments like this okay.
I am so tired of people acting like lesbianism(and non-straight identities in general but in this case we're talking about lesbians) is inherently sexual, deviant, and inappropriate. These are the same type of people who think that kids can't be gay or even be told about the possibility of homosexuality because it will groom their young minds or something, as if being gay is something you're groomed into being. And I am sick of people acting like a character can't be gay/lesbian because it doesn't fit their personality or because they're a child or because they're "innocent" or some stupid-ass shit like you're just reinforcing the idea that straight is the default and that straight is morally more pure and "normal" and acceptable than being gay. I bet Larry Koopa doesn't care if a kid the same age as or younger than Madoka(who is 14) is portrayed as straight, because to them that's not inherently sexual the way that being gay is. But a kid being gay? Now don't you think that's going a little bit too far?
This person definitely thinks that all lesbians are mean and hateful and bitter, probably because they measure a woman's level of decency in accordance to how attracted to men they are(which is how we got that ugly fucking "mean bisexual, even meaner lesbian" joke in the first place).
I agree with Peyton Peyons. Madoka is a lesbian, end of story, and nobody gives a shit whether you want to call her your waifu or not, because she doesn't even know you exist. Get out of her, dawg.
#ofc pmmm is hardly where i look for GOOD lesbian representation#since the writers are a bunch of rancid male creeps who were inspired by eroge to write this show#and when asked if homura is in love with madoka the old bat said 'probably' bro did you watch your own show 😭#but that's not the topic for today if you want to see me hate on madoka magica just head on over to justanisabelakinnie#but i will always defend the right to lesbian characters' validity no matter what shitty show they're from#madoka and homura are big lesbians deal with it shut up and grow up#lesbian#lesbophobia#fandom lesbophobia#lesbian erasure#oh boo hoo you're mad because you can't simp for a teenage lesbian so you have to make up this lie about how she can't be a lesbian because#YOU like her and only mean ugly girls who i don't want to fuck get to be lesbians!#how dare people get mad at me for lesbian erasure!#gross#get a grip#other fans being mad at you for this is probably--no DEFINITELY--like the only good thing that the pmmm fandom has ever done#in the time since its inception#op#this person would have a trip if he saw my ocs who are all younger than/the same age as madoka and lgbt#most of them LESBIANS(and a lot of them transfem too)#go swim in a lego pool#what a fucking joke
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sometimes you see a bad tweet and it makes you upset all day but you cant interact with it in any way because then twitter will just be encouraged to show you more bad tweets. but it did ruin my whole fucking day
#anime life#the tweet was something like#'MAYBE when trans women talk about how bad testosterone is its because of their own trauma#and its not about trans men because literally nobody was talking about you guys oh my god'#like... ok...?#but trans men can still HEAR you tho....#i don't think its fair to act like trans men are self obsessed professional victims or whatever just because you said something shitty#like yes it's from your trauma and not about trans men but. yknow.#if i post about how ugly my fat body is#just because its coming from a place of trauma and societal abuse doesnt mean my comments don't hurt the other fat people who hear it#anyway i think part of why it's stuck with me all day is because it made me feel so sad#sometimes it feels like no one cares about me but me yknow?#like no one cares about trans mascs but other trans mascs#and no one cares about fat people but other fat people#and no one cares about disabled people but other disabled people#i KNOW that isn't true!!!#factually that is false#but sometimes it really feels like people only care about me in as much as they care about telling me i better not start thinking i matter#as much as they do (people whose lives and problems and societal marginalizations ACTUALLY matter)#and then if you try to talk about your problems to explain how theyre real you just get made fun of#oh well. time to get under my weighted blanket and get real small#and try not to get entirely black pilled by the world lol
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"As fate would have it, Cusack had fallen in love with a tall, laconic actor called Jeremy Irons, who was starring in Godspell just down the road. It was a case of opposites attracting. 'He was so elegant and refined,' she recalls. ('She was so Irish and wild and seemed to embody everything I wasn't,' he said.)
[...] Sam was born less than 10 months after Cusack's mother died of heart disease in 1977 ('I think he was conceived the night before she died. I like the thought of their two souls mingling'). 'The combination of all those emotions was just too much to deal with,' she says quietly. She recognises now that, for at least six months, she suffered from severe post-natal depression, undiagnosed at the time. Her work and her husband got her through — 'Jeremy has always been my greatest support'".
Sunday Independent, 30 July 2006
#they are not real#their story is the plot of a movie or a play or I don't know what but they are certainly not real people#'I think he was conceived the night before she died' oh why do you hate me so sinead cusack#tears are literally streaming down my face as I type this#like#her call my bluff clips from 1977 were uploaded on youtube a week ago#you cannot force me to watch that little bubble of joy#and then remind me of all the suffering and pain she would go through in less than a year's time please lord I am not strong enough#my baby girl#and JER#he was on the radio in may going on about waterland and what a hard shoot that was#because she had to ugly cry in front of him during a scene and he. could. not. stand. her. pain.#he just BURST INTO TEARS EACH TIME and had to call everything off#JUST IMAGINE THE THOUGHTS IN HIS LITTLE HEAD#ooooooooh he knows sooooooo much#I know no one's reading this but I had to free my soul from the angst and what better way to do it than pouring it all onto tumblr.com#'I like the thought of their souls mingling' and of course jeremy said something very similar about max and his dad#opposites and yet the same person you know what I mean??????#yes I'm totally normal about a pair of 75-year-old luvvie actors who spent their best years cheating on each other#these people will be my ruin
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Who steals food from the other’s plate without asking:
Who stays up until 2 reading:
(matt/elektra)
Who steals food from the other’s plate without asking:
Elektra steals Matt’s food without asking, and they make a 'game' out of stopping her from swiping the food, since she knows a lot of how he works and a lot of how her own body works.
Who stays up until 2 reading:
I think it depends on if Elektra or Matt feel like they could be doing other things at night, since it’s easier to do what they do at night. But if it’s a slow night or if there aren’t other things to consider – my Elektra doesn’t do Da.redevil work or assassin work, exactly, but she does do dangerous vigilante work that other people won’t take on where she does brutally injure with her sai or other ways without feeling awful about it, because that’s her own in-between that works for her; that’s a headcanon that might not work for everyone but I personally like it and it lets her be independent and i might work up to her being an assassin again because i think that's fun and i love assassin characters lol — but anyways, if it’s a slow night, I think it’s probably Elektra who’s doing the reading. Probably because I feel like Matt’s always reading for work and even if he does enjoy to read from time-to-time when he’s alone, if he has a romantic guest over, he prefers to have his romantic guests read to him because he prefers the sound of their voice. He'll read to them, too, though. But he'll be picky about the book. And well, Elektra would be okay reading to him and isn't picky about the book, however, she’d be fine reading alone and would read for a little bit, as a distraction and to have something to do. She'd relax a little (well as much as she can) but she'd be focused on other things too. So, she’ll probably read until twelve, not two, nudge Matt awake to see if their his vigilante work correlates even if hers, or she’ll end up walking around Matt's or her own place to do something else more ...active like going over her future opponent's fighting techniques or go over information she’s learned about them, until she decides to go to bed. And if she doesn't have anyone to think about, she'll just attempt to sleep because she does a lot.
@thelittlestspider
#idek what the job title for her would be but oh well. and i don't recall if she's a reader i blanked and idk if it's cause it's almost 12am#i was thinking about her the other day cause i started a thread with someone on a site and needed to think about her but i'm like rusty lol#and kind of need to look at my c0mics of just her stuff which will be fun.....and rough....with some of them#i love her but she's treated so mean#i am always worried of posting my thoughts lol so hopefully i did them justice or whatever jkdsjkdfs#[ otp: the good the bad the ugly | elektra x matt ]#noahswritingstuffall*#noahsheadcanons*
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before actually WATCHING any content with aaron in it i didn't understand why people were attracted to him and now i am and im like- holy shit
#i mean i assumed id get it once i saw him actually goalkeep bc im so fucking attracted to keepers#arsenal#arsenal fc#aaron ramsdale#goalkeeping is so sexy like#i want him#i had only seen pictures#and i was like#hes not ugly#nowhere near ugly#but i don't personally think he's that fine#and then i saw him in video form#and like#OH MY GOD#HIS WHOLE AURA AND ENERGY IS SO#LIKE WHAT#HIS VIBE ALONE IS SO SEXYYYYY#GRRRRRR
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Khan: (says something self-deprecating) Ingo: did you know that you are my friend and family, and that Akari and I love you as such? Khan: BYE???
Ingo knows exactly what he’s doing :3c
#pokemon legends arceus#pla#warden ingo#ingo#khan a.#ingo and akari decided to tackle khan's behavior head on and with love#self deprecation meets affection#khan 'my scars are pretty fucking ugly huh'#akari 'actually i think they're neat and badass!! they make you look strong and cool!!!'#khan '??!?!?? oh look??!! a ginkgo guild member to bully!!!'#its not even that he's lacking self esteem he just really fails to comprehend care and affection anymore#ingo 'i see you're heading out on your next adventure. take this care pack.'#khan 'awww u care about me?'#ingo 'yes'#khan (hisses like a cat that got wet and flees)#khan: what do you MEAN people like me? I DON'T EVEN LIKE ME???#tough luck buddy you found yourself a family now#this is all the art effort i have in my right now i'm sorry
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DID YOU MISS THE EXAM... Either way I can believe in that superstition for a sec I'm so sorry 😭😭😭
NONO I TOOK IT. BARELY. I BARELY TOOK IT. I JUST THOUGHT CLASS WAS GOING TO BE NORMAL BUT NOPE <3<3<3
#snap chats#ngl cried a lil in classs... mightve scribbled a bit on the page.. which has happened before when taking spanish tests LMAO#the rage and anger i felt... oh to punch a wall like i literally just wanted to leave and scream#and i havent felt that kind of anger in a hot minute it was so ugly LMAOOOO so stupid nothing even majorly bad happened#it just the build up ig.... anyways...#I THOUGHT IT WAS WEDNESDAY CAUS EI HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT TOMORROW#AND ASSIGNMENTS ARE USUALLY DUE THE DAY BEFORE THE EXAM BUT. OK. FUCK ME IG#when i finally stopped being a big ol baby i focused on the questions and they weren't actually too hard so im p sure i did fine#it was just... The Emotional Damage of walking in thinking it was gonna be a chill day after Everythin and its like :) No Exams Today :)#the funnier bit is that i literally asked my professor and then she forgot to give me the exam so i had to ask her for it 🧍♂️#right after asking about the exam 🧍♂️like i know im unremarkable but you JUST spoke to me....#my reputation of being the most invisible man continues..... an ironic title to have but ill take it....#call my ass kellam the way i have to remind people im here <3 fe homies will know what that means and they'll know im right </3#anyway to end the horrible night. Hopefully. i was gonna get milk from the milk dispenser Because We Have Those#and the milk i usually get was empty so i got the second one and the spout was tilted weirdly so the milk just went backwards#so that was fun. to get. and then a guy tried getting chocolate milk after me and Something happened cause he just yelled the f slur LOL#what a day... it's no one's day today apparently.....#anyway Lesson Learned don't fuck with three's. i don't like the number three it always gives me bad vibes...#did i disclose my Unhealthy relationship with numbres.. i prob did lol.. ima wrap this post up now...
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How do u know if its love or mental illness?
#I'm so fucked up in the head#so glad I have therapy later#love#bpd#bipolar#fawn response#like ugh I am so fucking afraid of myself#I take a look at my past 3 relationships and I have absolutely devastated all three of them and I don't want to hurt anyone else#but I'm literally 3 for 3 in the ruining lives department and like okay yeah 1 and 2 eventually got over it and moved on but what if 3#never does? I mean I guess its all so new and raw but like I feel so awful. I feel like I'm never allowed to love again until I can like#not hurt people? but I think we are all always gonna hurt people. ugh love is so stupid I wish I could just turn it off!!#I wish I could just rip it out of my chest and fucking kill fucking beat the shit out of my heart so it never dares to feel or want again#and then I get surprised when I tell people that and they look at me like they're going to cry#why in the world should I be allowed to love?? when it clearly does so much damage??#and then its worse right because then when I love someone I google the symptom of every fucking mental illness imaginable. bpd. bipolar.#adhd. autism. you name it I've searched it. and like I have bipolar so then I start invalidating my own love. I tell myself things like#oh youre just manic and thats making you think that this person is in love with you. oh you're just manic you think you are the center of#everyone's universe. oh you're just manic you aren't actually happy around them they just enable your ugly illness#and then like the things in question that are making me think this as like totally valid and normal things#like oh you're just manic you think they love you- my brother in christ they remember the smallest details about me and always know how to#make me laugh. we can't lock eyes longer than a few seconds before we both smile etc etc etc#but then it gets analytical- you know? bc then my brain is like ok we have to disprove our own personal bartholomuel that nafty brainworm#but you cant logically analyze something like love I don't think#right and then like I'm so deep in this hole of analyzing I start running the simulations of all the damage I'll do if/when it ends poorly#because I'm a piece of shit and I always always always go stir crazy and lose myself in it and panic and try to run and then bury my own#personality and wants and needs bc I want so badly to be loved I subconsciously shape shift myself into their ideal partner#right okay so then I'm minmaxing it- I'm speed running the imaginary relationship in my brain start to finish every single day and living#in a fake scenario where we break up every single day thousands and thousands of times over and none of that even happened#its like- because I have to prove to myself that its pure and genuine love and not mental illness or attachment or pure lust allows this#evil part of my brain to just take over and go hog wild torturing me with all these awful situations that don't even exist!!
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her good side.
(x)
#oc: damn left side#i can never get her ugly enough tbh#i don't mean that as an insult either she's just. rough.#the left side of her face is jacked up because someone threw acid in it and she lost her eye bc of it.#ok well she lost VISION in the eye#they left the eye in there for the facial support aspect#and then ace was like 'wouldn't a bionic eye be better' and she was like don't mind if i don't#and he was like oh sorry. wasn't asking.#so she's got a bionic eye she hates.
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i just wanna know his deal so bad. what was this guy's DEAL
#did HE know his deal?#1 of the things in that note i thought was interesting was 'genius billionaire BEAUTIFUL FACE best actor singer dancer...'#beautiful face that's interesting. i've seen him use the words beauty/beautiful and gorgeous irt himself more than 'handsome'#he supposedly said he was 'not handsome'#he SUPPOSEDLY wrote 'i'm beautiful i'm beautiful i'm gorgeous...' in an affirming note to himself#i can't tell if.... did he think he was (if anything - he thought he was very ugly) beautiful but not handsome#and if so did he like or dislike that feeling#bc the makeup and surgeries and clothes don't suggest that hebwas trying to be handsome#'handsome' meaning good looking in a masculine way#so his relationship with his looks and androgyny is confusing to me#and then there's the relationships with women. which are all over the place#oh my god. what. was UP. WHAT WAS UP.#oh man but there's the adult child aspect too. maybe..... some of those aesthetic choices#the way a child is kinda genderless.....#in a very pure way#oh MAN#THIS GUY. THIS. GUY.
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