#i don't like anything about myself at all i truly don't

[flowergoddessblooms]

I will never forget that day. In the middle of the night, as the storm raged, wind bellowing, we were safe in our house. It wasn't huge, but we were quite well to do compared to others in our community. The wood burned and the fire crackled, providing warmth much craved. There was enough food to last a month. We all sat in the light of the burning embers. I remember thinking how unfortunate that the others weren't so lucky.

Oh how I hate myself for even having had that thought. For moments after, we heard the sound of glass breaking. Our eyes darted across the room, now staring at a man brushing glass pieces off his black cloak. You would recognise the emblem on his cloak anywhere.

The Black Raven guild.

Mercenaries.

Before my brain could process what had just occurred, the man rushed through the room, armed with a dagger. It was over in a split second.

I stood agape, watching the crimson flow.

My parents were dead.

Blood seeped through the carpet, under the floorboards. Time was at a standstill.

The man looked over at me.

"A scrawny brat, eh? Well you weren't in the request and I couldn't care less about a little shit like you."

And he was gone.

My tears wouldn't stop. For days and nights I sat there clutching the bodies of my parents, as the rain and thunder never stopped. The stench of decaying corpses is something you can never imagine. One whose face is filled with absolute fear and desperation. It was etched into my heart.

And so, after a long time spent crying, trying to fix the wounds, venturing out into the storm to ask for help only to return dejected, I swore. I swore to myself that I would make that man regret being born for taking away my happiness.

It's been 21 years. 21 years of hunting for this man whose face I didn't know. 21 years of traveling around the country, spending days at inns, flocking bars, approaching information guilds, anything and everything. And I finally found him.

I found out everything about him.

57 years old. Muscular. Tanned. Shaved head. A thick beard. Lived in a little village on the outskirts of the country. He would protect the villagers from bandits. He was quite loved by the community.

But I know who he truly is. Beneath all that facade of a good man and the protector of women and children, he is someone who would kill people for money.

It didn't take me long to find him. And boy oh boy, it was infuriating.

He was a changed man. He didn't talk like the way he did that night, in a rugged tone, without an ounce of humanity. He had a slow speech and spoke as though he was an enlightened monk.

How. Funny.

He didn't recognise me at first. It was only when i mentioned who my parents were, that he looked at me with a forlorn gaze and sighed.

Was this asshole pitying me? This person, who wasn't worth being called human, was showing sympathy?

I remember what he said, word for word.

" All those years ago, I was someone who only lived for money because I had to take care of myself and my family. My sisters were about to be sold off if I hadn't paid off my father's gambling debts. I didn't have much choice. I don't do that anymore. I've found my place with these people here. I take care of bandits for them, they feed me and my family in return. It's quite a peaceful transaction." He said gazing wistfully towards the village.

Not a single apology.

And was that story supposed to make me feel empathetic for him? Where was his empathy when he mercilessly murdered my parents in front of a 9 year old?

Did he expect me to droop my shoulders, cry and hug him?

He deserved to die and I would give him that.

I raided his home late that night. It was dark and stormy, quite fitting really. I broke the window and jumped in. He wasn't ready and it wasn't much of a fight for me, he was old and slow, barely able to dodge my attacks. It was soon over. I stood over him, as blood splurted out of his neck, staining the wooden floorboards with a rich crimson hue. I sat there, laughing, relishing my victory, when I heard little whimpers from close by.

It didn't matter anyway. I had fulfilled what I had sworn all those years ago. I was finally at peace.

No matter how much of my humanity it took from me.

I was finally at peace.

When you were a child, a mercenary made you watch as he killed your entire family in front of you. You swore revenge. Decades later, you've finally tracked them down- …only to find they're now a pacifistic geriatric who's beloved by his community.

[spacelessbian]

thoughts on Agatha All Along FINALE

Full spoilers ahead, 100% don't read if you haven't seen episodes 8 and 9.

I really enjoyed the finale, both episodes had a lot to offer and overall I am quite happy with how the show concluded. Things that I liked in no particular order:

The REVEALS. There is simply nothing better than a reveal that recontextualizes everything. And we didn't get just one, but two! Personally I found Agatha running a con and murdering women for centuries the more fun one, but Billy actually creating the Road was also really good and even though I've only seen the show once (unlike many people on here, no doubt), I can name many points in the story and in the dialogue where this is worked in and suddenly makes sense. Really great stuff.

Agatha and Nicky. I was dreading this part a little bit because I know Nicholas Scratch is some sort of big name in Marvel comics and I truly couldn't care less, so I'm pleased with what we got – a genuinely sweet yet tragic story of a mom and her son, destined to death even before being born. I was surprised (but in a good way) by Agatha's quiet reaction to Nicky's death because we know his death hurt her badly, but that's just how it is sometimes.

Agatha and Rio. I won't say I'd always had fate in Marvel to not mess this up, so yay! I don't think they did. This relationship is the heart of the show (and it is black and beats for the queers) and I think the writers did it justice (apart from one thing which I will get to in the next section). The kiss was intense, sexy, beautiful and also tragic and both Kathryn Hahn and Aubrey Plaza did a fantastic job with every piece of dialogue and every expression. I want them to play doomed lovers in five more projects, at least.

The coven. I already blogged about Jen but man, is it funny. Even this was Agatha all along, but she is such a menace she hasn't even realized that. I'm truly happy for Jen making it through and getting her power back. I'm glad we saw Alice's last moment and I liked how much Billy cared about her, Lilia and Sharon.

Agatha's death. I can't help myself, I need to go to that moment again. I was destroyed by that. It was so beautiful, both thematically and also visually and all. The flowers and mushrooms? The sun coming up? I kept thinking about Hozier's Work Song: When my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold dark earth. No grave can hold my body down. I'll crawl home to her. (whadup, Rio reference)

Agatha and Billy specifically in that last battle scene. She was blue you guys, she was just completely blue and in the exact same blue that Billy wears in his silly Marvel costume. And Billy just offered her his power, without questions and without wanting anything in return! And she didn't kill him! (Writing that down, the bar is on the floor for Agatha lol.)

There are other small things (like the Subaru lol), but I am ready to go to the bad section now. Two things I did not like (hidden for lenght but also because not everyone wants to read negative stuff):

Agatha's ghost. I'm gonna say it. Agatha as a ghost looks fucking terrible and her existence itself diminishes her death scene. I do understand why they did it and even why she looks like that (Agatha in the comics, as I understand it, is Wanda's mentor and also an older white haired lady, so they wanted to keep that but it didn't make sense with Wanda anymore), but I just hate it. Especially the wig.

The Marvel stuff. Yes, I realize this sounds stupid, it is a Marvel show after all. We wouldn't get a stupid gimmick like ghost Agatha joining Billy to look for his brother if this wasn't a starting point for the Wiccan. And I like Billy, I do, I also (obviously) love Agatha, who was first introduced in WandaVision (I realize the hypocrisy), but it just doesn't work for me. I would rather think about the beautiful death scene with it's poetic tragedy than about white haired Agatha floating on a washing machine, I'm sorry.

That being said, I really really liked the whole show and I am happy to say I hooked in my best friend (if you are reading this, you are contractually obliged to like the post, you know how it is) and that I actually know other people irl who watched it and enjoyed it. I'm sad it's over and even sadder that in this day and age, noone will talk about it in about two to three weeks. Anyway, it was lovely.

[skullsemi]

Ik this is annoying spam but I wanted to know what ur opinion is on the Zeke Midas (A.k.a Big Bad Wolf)

I'm a small fan of the character and I think I was unlucky that in this app the character isn't that popular (I guess)

You aren't required to respond to this, Ik this is annoying for you

It's not annoying for me at all to get asks! I just take too long to answer them sometimes

I confess that I don't know much about him but hey you gotta give kudos to the guy for being one of the few characters with an official kid, that constantly shows up! So I think that's neat

As for the character not being so popular, well, there are PLENTY of underrated characters around here (mostly because of the lack of media and not that much advertising I'm guessing) and as discouraging as this is, it's also an opportunity for you to create your own stuff about them!

And let's talk real, the chances of disney actually taking their own characters into consideration and creating new things that can be truly appealing to a greater audience-- are extremely low. Not impossible but pretty close to zero. (Praise Topolino and many other comics for still be gracing us with new things here and there)

So what is left to do? Well, you can pretty much steal the character away. Give them the appreciation you would like to see on them.

That's kind of how I began here on tumblr, there were only a few things out there in the whole internet about the characters that I liked, so I started to create for myself (creating a whole art account was a bonus, driven by the idea that possibly there's someone out there who likes the same thing I do and it's also desperate for any content)

There were soooo many characters that I had no idea even existed until I saw people here on Tumblr talking about them. So what I'm trying to say is, if you like a character and want to see more fancontent about them, start putting your own ideas out there, let it be sharing the media they're on, drawing, writing, edits and anything else, it's both good for you because it's stuff about a character you enjoy and it can lead to other people wanting to know more about the character, adore them and also want to create stuff. So a win-win situation kind of! I know this is an optimistic take on it but oh well, it's either that or be stuck with nothing sometimes

[awynter]

"Oh, well, we certainly wouldn't want you to get a big head now, would we?" She teased, raking her fingers through his hair. Unable to keep herself away for too long, she leaned up onto her tip toes and kissed him again. Each time she pulled away, she felt more and more dizzy. Her lips felt sore and yet she wanted nothing more than to continue until her entire body ached from emotion. Her knees still stood strong beneath the weight of her body, but Anne swayed on her feet. Within her chest, her heart sat rattling against her ribcage like an animal yearning to be released.

"By all means, be a scoundrel." Anne muttered against his lips, her chest heaving up and down as her heart struggled to keep up. "Just know that I can be quite the scoundrel myself."

Anne followed him diligently, moving as he lowered them to their knees. Even as the dewy grass soaked into her skirts, all she could focus on was the heat of his breath and the flush creeping across her chest. She wanted him, all of him. And she wanted him to want all of her. Anne wanted to offer herself up to him-- mind, body, and soul-- until there was nothing left to give. Her heart had grown calloused and tough over the years alone, but she felt it softening with each passing second.

Anne had given herself to a man before, but never like this. She had allowed George to take her wherever he'd wanted. She had offered her body with the hopes that he would offer his heart in return. By the time she had realized that George had no heart to give, it was too late. And although she had pledged to never again make those same mistakes again, she was still just a girl at heart, weakened by passion and desperate to feel love. She would bare herself to him wherever he wanted. Whenever, whatever. It didn't matter to her, as long as she was with him. As long as she never had to spend another day without him.

We don't have to. Anne could hardly control the laugh that bubbled from her chest, pressing her forehead to his. His dedication to remaining gallant was admirable, and it took all the strength in her not to tease him about it. Later, she reminded herself. There would be plenty of time to taunt him later.

“I promise you I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.” Her words were breathless as she clung to him tightly. She couldn't let him slip away, not when so much of herself had become dependent on his existence. Anne had promised herself when she'd boarded that ferry that she would never give her heart to another man, and yet she couldn't imagine withholding it from where it truly belonged: in his hands. It would be safe there, she knew that. And yet the thought of allowing someone in after so long was terrifying.

"But," She pulled away gently, resting her hands against his chest to keep at bay. Anne knew it would be easy to conceal the truth from him, to let him believe she still clung to her virtue like an unmarried woman should. She could easily keep her mouth shut and allow him to think he was the first man to ever touch her. But she wanted him to know the truth. He deserved to know the truth.

"Ben, you should know, I..." The words caught in her throat. What if he changed his mind? What if, upon learning of her mistakes, he saw her as nothing more than a harlot? If his eyes darkened and he regarded her with the same disgust she was accustomed to, Anne wasn't sure she'd be able to recover from it. Squeezing her eyes shut, she willed her body to be strong. She gathered as much courage as she could, knowing that the longer she hid the truth, the more damage it would cause in the end.

She waited a beat, letting the silence press down against her like a vice. Would this be enough to ruin everything? Would he consider her past mistakes to be a sort of betrayal? Would it dissuade him to know that her body wasn't untouched and pure? Would it change the way his heart felt towards her?

No one's going to want you now. George's voice threatened to echo in the back of her mind, threatened to tear at her resolve with biting words, but she refused to let the ghost of her past ruin her future. Taking a deep breath, she blurted out the confession.

"I-I'm not a virgin." Slowly, Anne opened her eyes and lifted her gaze to meet his. She expected to be met with dark eyes, filled with disgust, or rage, but all she saw were his gentle features staring back at her. She swallowed and continued, desperate to fill the silence before he could. "I understand if that changes things. I do not blame you if you no longer wish to continue... I just thought you should know. That I'm not quite as pure as you might think I am. That I am a tarnished woman."

“Your lips taste like poetry. The most romantic prose.”

Benjamin grinned, a self-conscious heat spreading across his cheeks as he cupped her face, fondly stroking his thumbs along her chin. "Careful now," he warned, nuzzling her. "Keep talking like that, and I might develop a bit of a big head."

Anne captured his laughter with another kiss, her lips warm and searing into his own until his vision painted with stars, and his heart leapt with chaotic sparks. It was both too much and not enough, and snagging his fingers through her hair, Benjamin angled into her kiss with increasing verve.

I can't let you go again. I won't, I won't, I won't.

Anne moaned into his mouth, and a responsive shiver rolled up his spine, his knees growing wobbly as she pressed into him and dropped the cloak from her shoulders.

With the extra weight gone, she was quick to wrap her arms around his shoulders, their kiss growing firm and frantic there within the dizzying twilight.

Anne broke the kiss with a shaky breath. Her hands shoved at his chest, only to quickly fist his lapels. “You’re making it increasingly difficult to remain ladylike, you know. If you keep kissing me like that, you might have no choice but to carry me home. Or simply ravish me here, in the grass.”

Benjamin gaped at her, his mouth shiny and parted as he struggled for breath. His lips felt utterly kiss-swollen and worked over, and yet he wanted more of it -- more of her -- and cupping her face, he lowly vowed, "I want you, Anne...all of you. The time and the place is irrelevant, so long as you're here with me." Shaking, he pressed his lips to her brow, his heart in his throat as he gave a soft exhale. "I do not mean to be a scoundrel, but..."

Trailing off, Benjamin peered into her eyes and swallowed. It would be so much easier, he realized, to just show Anne how he felt, rather than continuously fumble his way through his heartstrings.

With an eager sigh, he dragged her mouth back over his and yanked her close, the kiss almost painful in its intensity as he encouraged her to lower to the ground. Swiftly upon their knees, Benjamin kept his lips fastened harshly to hers, a starved ruthlessness taking over his touch as he smoothed his palms along her back.

Briefly parting their lips, he swallowed and struggled for breath. "We don't have to," he slurred. He felt drunk, delirious, and seeking her gaze within the moonlight, he asked, "Do you...d-do you want to? With me?"

[autisticalastor]

the privilege of being born to be a man

Pairing: Alastor/Lucifer

Rating: G

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Genderfluid Alastor (his egg is cracking), Demiromantic Asexual Alastor, Colorblind Alastor, snippets of human!Alastor, slight TWs for internalized transphobia

A/N: Honestly, I just wanted to write Alastor trying on a dress and starting to realize he's Not Cis, but then I got Emotional about it. I like to headcanon Lucifer is agender and just plays fast and loose with femininity and mascuilinity, and this is just the perfect catalyst for Alastor's own little gender journey. Anyways, enjoy some snippets from Alastor's life as a human here as well! Title is from I / Me / Myself by Will Wood!

On his more feminine days, Lucifer takes forever to get ready. Alastor's fairly certain most of the time is spent just picking out an outfit, as if he can't just summon the perfect pieces with the wave of a hand. It can be a bit irritating when they have somewhere they need to be, especially since Lucifer never seems to know in advance when he's going to want to spend an hour or two trying to be the prettiest man in Hell. As if he wasn't already.

Today was one of those days, and Alastor was busying himself with some light reading as he waited for Lucifer to be ready. At least they didn't have anywhere important to be for a while.

“Alastor,” Lucifer calls, finally emerging from the bathroom. “What do you think? I haven't tried this style before, but I thought it looked nice in those old catalogues.”

Alastor looks up, and he must say, he's impressed. The dress Lucifer has picked is a vintage 1940s-style dress, mostly white, but patterned with small yellow flowers. It does look rather stunning on him, and as Lucifer gives a little twirl to make the skirt spin out around him, Alastor can't help but think he was made for outfits like this. Some part of him idly wishes, not for the first time, that he had the same freedom Lucifer did in that regard.

“Absolutely stunning, dear,” Alastor responds. “I do so envy your ability to pull off such lovely outfits.”

Lucifer gives him a warm smile. “Y'know, you could always join me. Bet I could whip up the perfect dress for you.”

Alastor looks away, a bit conflicted. In his time, it was rather unheard of for men to dress in women's clothing. Those who did were certainly not treated well. Part of him had always wanted to try it, envying his mother and the ladies from their church in all their pretty dresses and skirts. But he had pushed the feeling down, the shame of how he'd be perceived enough to keep him off the idea.

Now, of course, there isn't really anything stopping him. Except for this odd feeling that it's perfectly fine for someone like Lucifer or Angel Dust to play fast and loose with masculinity and femininity, but not for him to do the same.

“No, I don’t think so!” he replies, voice a bit tight. “I don't doubt your design skills, but I do doubt I'd make quite as pretty a picture as you do.” He's deflecting, and he's certain Lucifer can tell.

“Aw, c'mon! It's really fun! Plus, it can be just for us. You don't have to go out in it if you don't feel comfortable. I just think you might like it if you tried it.”

“I don't know…”

“We can design the dress however you want! I'm sure there's a style out there you'd just die to get your hands on.”

And there is. Alastor can picture the dress he'd ask for perfectly in his head, as if he's already got it in front of him. If nothing else, I could at least keep it as a memento…

“All right,” he agrees with a sigh. “You truly do live up to your reputation as the master of temptation, don't you?”

Keep Reading

[chuunyu]

a very depressing rant about mizuki

I feel like I have devoured every piece of trans media I've been able to find and while they have all had a major impact on me, Mizuki Akiyama - a character from a miku rhythm game of all places - has had the biggest impact on me by far.

I feel like trans stories don't focus enough on the shame of being trans. I feel like there are a lot of characters that simply insist on their identity without being shown to work through everything that gets you to be shameless as a trans person, and it just feels, alienating?

I came out to myself 10 years ago when I was 14 and I've been on hrt since I was 18 (6 years hrt) but things haven't gotten better for me, they've only gotten worse. At first, I loved expressing my identity, but as I tried harder and harder to be my true self, my self perception became increasingly harsh to the point that I shaved my head. I couldn't handle the immense pressure placed on me by society to be unclockable, to be normal. I hated myself for being this scum that thought they could be a woman. I scolded myself for being a cosplayer. So I gave up.

After I cut my hair, I realized how bad of a mistake I had made, and I wanted more than anything to just be myself again, even if it hurt. I was myself again for 4 years, but I never lost my shame. Why can't I just be normal? Why can I not give in?? Life would be so much easier. I could eat in public again, I could go anywhere I wanted, I could get any job I wanted. I could live without feeling pitied, I could avoid the fake kindness of allies. I could live without a paranoia that made me nearly psychotic.

Mizuki's character encapsulates these feelings. When they were young, they tried to be themself, but not able to deal with the pain society inflicted on them, they repressed their identity. Luckily, once they found some safety, they tried again, but their worries never went away. They never got over their shame. They never accepted that they could be accepted.

For Mizuki, and for me, being trans is an existential obstacle. It's a curse that you wish you could remove, but the only way is through suicide. I will always feel inadequate, no matter how many surgeries I get to fix my shameful face. It's crushing. It makes me scream and cry until I lose my voice. It makes me wish I'd never been born.

After Mizu5, these feelings flooded deeper into my head. Mizuki's responses to the events resonated. To isolate themself, to flee into their imagination, to be hopelessly suicidal, it was all too real. They concluded that there was no place for them that could ever be. It's all things I've done and felt so many times that I can't even count. But as much as I've done these things, as much as Mizuki has done these things, we both just want to be loved. We want to be ourselves and feel truly comfortable. We want to just be safe, but who will give that safety? How can we be convinced that being ourselves is a life that we can live? An easy reply is that gender doesn't exist and that it's all just a game we're playing. As much as I agree with this, it's impractical. I can tell myself that gender doesn't exist as much as I want but when I stay in my school's studio for 10 hours in a day and my facial hair pierces my skin in public view, I have to hide. I cannot be visible. I cannot be myself. The world is not a nice place.

So what are we supposed to do as trans people? I want the answer, an answer that doesn't sidestep reality. I want to leave my room. I want to stop hating myself. I want to live the fantasy I envisioned as a kid.

It's the same with Mizuki. They are hopeless, but they want to be saved. They hate themself, but they want to love themself. They don't really want to die. They can't find an answer, but they want one. So what will that be? I feel like with the way Mizuki is written, the writers have to answer that question somehow. They will have to find a way to convince Mizuki that they don't have to hate themself for being trans. I really wonder what that answer will be. I wonder if it will be something new. I'm just, so sick of being coddled and told I'm normal. I know I'm not, I know I'm a disgrace. I just want an answer. I cut my hair again. I don't know when I will ever grow it back.

[disheveledtranquility]

Definitely didn't think the last venom movie was great, but there were so many Symbrock moments that I loved that I can't bring myself to hate on it.

Would LOVE a darker, more serious movie. Something about them being hunted or experimented on without all the need for joke after joke after joke (thats what the movie felt like to me and it winded me out with all the back to back jokes).

Just Eddie and his symbiote trying to survive when the world doesn't want them to would be a thrilling time. And to see Eddie spiral down after he realizes his symbiote is gone and the silence gets too overwhelming.

To see them reunite maybe in a church in NYC like the comics, where Eddie stops sabotaging every relationship in his life and just compromises because anything they could possibly go through together would be better than Eddie having to go through it alone and in silence.

They don't have to kiss. They don't have to fuck. I just want to see their interactions and feel the yearning from the opposite side of the screen. Because now Eddie knows he'll never be the same without his symbiote, that no one else can ever be what he's yearning for.

To see Eddie slowly accept that he might actually not to have a normal life, that as long as he has his symbiote he can be happy. Truly happy.

I want drama and I want yearning. Please.

[sleepyhomosexual]

.

[captain-astors]

Creature. (The rendered ones are referenced from manga panels)

[rapidhighway]

venting like an idiot

the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired

[mercymaker]

also, had an idea for a one-shot that would immediately get me called out canceled and excommunicated from the fandom but at the same time i have such a shitty relationship with writing that it's likely to stay in my noggin until it wears down the walls of my skull

[sangcreole]

.

[ettadunham]

sometimes i remember the hunger games and how nobody actually paid attention to what was in those books

[frankensteinmutual]

one of my housemates is so fucking sensitive it turns me into a person I do not like

[autumnoakes]

me, who started uni thinking i was entirely neurotypical and able-bodied but just lazy: i'm a failure for how long it's taking me to finish this degree. i'm a failure for being unable to get a job while i do so, much less handle it while i study. i don't deserve to take a semester off, i need to be doing something. i need to be able to support myself somehow. i'm failing at life

random voice in my head: you're not even 25 yet. most of your classmates are the same age as you. you can only handle so much and the threshold is much lower for you than for an able-bodied and -minded person. everyone deserves a break and should be able to take one without consequence and it's a shame that you don't feel you deserve it. the milestones you're worried about aren't real and even the one deadline you're worried about is 4 years in the future and your advisor told you not to worry about it anyways. deep breaths. it'll be alright.

[kit-katsuki]

ohhhb venting...