#i don't give a SHIT it's better for my health and spoons. it is not fun. it is not restful. i get so fucking bored

[whatareyoudoingwithamaserati]

i am so sick and fucking tired of having to lay down it isn't even funny

[judasofsuburbia]

something something caretaker! steve gets hired by rockstar! eddie to look after and live with wayne. everything is set up over the phone after eddie was given his resume so eddie's never physically seen the guy but he has enough positive reviews and references that it seems like there is anybody in this world that doesn't like this steve harrington fellow.

wayne munson soon becomes his #1 fan.

wayne keeps telling eddie all about steve in their weekly phone calls. anytime eddie tries to steer the conversation into something actually about wayne's health and wellbeing, wayne manages to involve steve. says that steve's blushing face is real handsome while steve rolls his eyes and laughs to himself across the room.

"you should come home on your next break," wayne says.

"i'm planning to."

"steve really wants to meet you," wayne says with an infliction.

"well, shit, wayne. from how much you gush about him, i'm excited to meet your new boyfriend too," eddie teases.

"oh hush, you. my casanova days are over. you, however, could use someone good."

the next break eddie has, nearly six months after steve starts working for the munsons, he arrives at nearly 11pm. he's quiet as he sneaks into the house he bought wayne years ago and nearly shits himself when he sees steve hanging out on the couch watching TV. he drops his suitcase to the floor, jolting steve out of his trance.

"oh god, i'm so sorry!" steve rushes to say as eddie clutches his chest and tries to steady his breathing.

"steve, i take it?" eddie laughs breathlessly.

"yeah, hi," steve stands from the couch and holds his hand out. "nice to finally meet you."

steve steps into the light as he does this and eddie's taken aback by just how handsome he is. oh fuck, wayne wasn't just messing around. eddie takes his hand, firm and strong, and shakes it.

"sorry to jumpscare you like that," steve smiles and his eyes twinkle in the low hallway light.

"no, i should've prepared myself," eddie says. "someone hasn't been in the house either than wayne or i in....well, ever."

"don't worry, i'll try to keep mostly to myself as you two have quality bonding time," steve replies sheepishly.

eddie shakes his head. "you don't gotta do that. you're more welcome around us than anyone. i owe you so much for looking after him."

steve smiles. "you already sign all my paychecks."

right, yeah. eddie's technically this guy's boss. eddie's never really thought of it that way before. that means any plans eddie's monkey brain had in the last thirty seconds about flirting with the handsome caretaker is out the window. it wouldn't be appropriate. eddie slouches and gives steve a tired smile.

"i'm gonna turn in. see you at breakfast?" eddie asks, hopeful despite his conflicting internal monologue.

"be prepared for oatmeal," steve jokes. "it's the only thing he wants for breakfast nowadays."

eddie scrunches up his face. "you don't have any poptarts or anything fun stashed away somewhere?"

"depends. do you like brown sugar cinnamon?" steve asks.

"love it," eddie whispers.

"then yeah, your breakfast fate can be a little better," steve nudges his elbow and it lights up eddie's skin.

"thank you caretaker steve," eddie salutes and turns heel to his teenage bedroom.

over the next few days, eddie goes out of his mind. he watches steve just do his job, the job he hired him to do, and he's still going crazy over it. how steve prepares for everything, accidents and things eddie couldn't even predict. spoon feeds wayne if his hands are too shaky. jokes and messes around with him like he's family. wayne's eyes keep drifting over to eddie's when steve isn't looking, a smug little smirk on his face.

"it can't happen," eddie seethes when steve leaves the room. "you're what's important here and i need him to stick around."

"and i need you to stop moping about the country, getting your heart broken every other week," wayne retorts. "steve's a good boy. he would treat you right."

"we don't even know if he's gay," eddie grumbles.

wayne gives him an unimpressed look that makes eddie bark out a frustrated laugh. "take a look at his bedroom, kid. you'll have all your questions answered," wayne advises right before steve returns.

"jeopardy time?" steve asks, hands already on wayne's wheelchair handles.

"eddie is gonna beat us both," wayne claims.

"that so?" steve beams. eddie is glaring daggers at wayne.

"he's full of useless facts," wayne jokes while eddie throws up his hands and steve laughs joyfully.

eddie falls for steve more and more as the week goes on. he tries his best to restrain it, tries his best to never be alone with steve. catches himself from checking steve out (especially in his daily running outfit, god) and swallows flirtatious lines that nearly escape his mouth. it's hard to say no when steve invites him to watch a movie or hang out with him while he cooks dinner but he does. eddie has to be coming off like a total dick at this point but it's for the best.

steve is out running an errand so eddie finally decides to snoop only a little bit. opens steve's bedroom door and smiles at all the decorations. sure enough, there is a little bisexual pride flag sticking out of the pen cup on his desk. eddie is admiring framed photos of steve and some kids along with little handwritten camp postcards on his corkboard when steve enters the room.

"anything interesting?" steve jokes from the doorway.

"shit!" eddie yells, clutching his chest again like he did the first night. "fuck, i'm so sorry."

"don't be," steve shrugs easily. "it is your house after all. i snoop your teenage bedroom all the time when wayne asks me to change the sheets."

"still, i shouldn't be invading your privacy," eddie says with an apologetic face.

steve walks carefully over to where eddie is standing. "i don't think there is much privacy between us where wayne is concerned," steve says quietly with a kind smile, leaning up against the desk.

"i'm sorry about him," eddie groans, rubbing his hand over his chin. "he is a little pushy about my love life."

"no, i'm sorry that he's weird about us. i swear i called you handsome once and he has never left it alone since," steve admits with a small blush.

eddie's eyebrows raise. "you think i'm handsome?"

"are you kidding me? you got this whole," steve gestures in a circle, "rockstar bravado going on. hard not to admire the show."

"well, you've got a show i admire too," eddie admits, inching closer.

steve huffs, looking down bashfully. "do i?"

"mhm. smart, genuine guy with a heart of gold. makes wayne's days better. lights up a room. probably rescues cats from trees and saves drowning puppies," eddie smiles.

steve tilts his head from side to side. "i may have rescued a cat before but it was stuck under my little brother Dustin's porch."

"see? heart of gold," eddie repeats.

steve exhales deeply, twisting his mouth. "i wasn't sure if you liked me."

eddie reaches his hand over and touches steve's hand on top of the desk. steve looks up shyly to eddie's sympathetic face. "i didn't want to-- there's a power trip here, you know? like you said, i sign your paychecks. i'm not about to pull out the moves and make you feel like your job is at risk if you aren't into it."

steve nods before slowly rubbing his thumb over eddie's.

"and if i am into it?" steve whispers.

"well i--" eddie stutters.

"can i kiss you?" steve asks quietly. eddie's not sure he's ever been asked in his entire life.

eddie nods. when steve's lips touch his, it's all over. any pretense of keeping his feelings undercover blows up like fireworks underneath his skin. eddie feels as his resolve sparkles and cracks away into the air. he encourages steve to keep kissing him by pulling in his face closer. steve sucks his bottom lip in between his own when his watch beeps.

"wayne's meds," steve whispers.

"old bastard," eddie jokes. "watch a movie with me later?"

steve bites his lip and nods. "i know just the couch."

[silencingspellsongs]

fuck it, caller time

aka i'm gonna ramble out ideas i've had of future audios i want from him and ppl can take them as writing prompts if they want or we can all work together to beam them psychically into erik's brain over the next 6 months

minors don't interact i get spicy in here oop 🔞 also tw dub-con content in here but if you're into the yandere caller character i feel like you can kind of expect that ‼️

i was originally planning on writing a fic with all these ideas in it but i don't have the time or the spoons for that and so instead of just rotating them in my mind forever and driving myself slowly insane i thought i would just throw them out into the ether because maybe they'll inspire someone else or make someone else insane too teehee 🤭

• sweetie gets home from a long day at work, they're exhausted. they don't have the energy to fuck with making dinner, maybe this is part of a pattern for them where they often neglect themself because they're too tired/it's easier to just go lay down and forget about responsibilities (is this me just working through my own mental health things? yes. yes it is.)

they're curled up on the couch and then there's a knock at the door or their doorbell rings. they get up and answer it and there's a pizza delivery Guy there who seems pretty unfazed by the confused look on their face. he's got an order for them, their usual order in fact, but they tell him they didn't order anything. he pulls out the receipt and double checks the address, tells them it was already paid for and everything. then he notices there's a note in the instructions on the receipt which he reads out to them. "it says 'for my sweetie, you had a long day, eat and get comfortable. i'll call you soon. xoxo"

oblivious to the way sweetie's entire body freezes up, Guy goes on to say something about how nice it is that they have such a caring partner, hands over their order and then leaves. sweetie's phone then starts to ring. they know better than to ignore it and when they answer, caller praises them. tells them to enjoy the food, talks to them about how it's a good thing he's here to take care of them. mentions how watching them neglect their own needs frustrates him but that's why he's here now.

i would imagine that this would maybe start out with that creep feeling of anxiety that his audios give but it does end up mellowing into something of a soothing stress relief type scenario. caller walking sweetie through some self care ideas: making sure they eat up, take a hot shower or a relaxing bubble bath afterwards, maybe they could even use a massage (here's where some spicy references would get thrown in, we all know this guy loses his mind thinking about touching sweetie 🥴) laid out on their bed, body still warm and damp from the water... smelling like their soap, his favorite smell now because it reminds him of them. his hands tracing over their back. firm but warm, digging into the knots in their shoulders. running over every inch of them... exploring, memorizing, claiming. he gets all breathy in that way of his but like always he backs it up. not yet, not tonight.

in the end they're left with the instructions of how to take care of themself the rest of the night and the promise that he's always here to make sure they do it. lots more creepy praise before the call ends.

• i need JEALOUSY. i need possessive, feral, pissed off jealous caller. i need that sort of shit that would make the people that complain about David's jealousy audio's heads explode. i need it to be mean and messy and ANGRY and growly and scary and i need it like oxygen in my lungs.

it could be someone from work, or maybe a neighbor in their apt complex, or maybe it's just some stranger at the grocery store. someone's caught sight of sweetie and is shooting their shot. i think for this scenario, the way i imagine it as an audio, sweetie would be on the phone with said person. some guy is talking them up over the phone, really laying it on thick but not super directly asking them out just yet. moreso laying the ground work for it but it's still pretty obvious he's looking to get into their pants but sweetie is... well sweetie's maybe a little oblivious or maybe they just don't have the self confidence to believe that this guy's actually into them. (we've gotten the idea from the other caller audios that sweetie definitely doesn't think highly of themself so that's where this characterization is coming from btw)

whatever the situation, the sound of another incoming call beeps over the phone (do cell phones even do that anymore? i don't ever call people so i don't know but it's fantasy ok we can just pretend ❤️) and sweetie knows what that "unknown caller" flashing on their screen means. they try to end the conversation with flirty guy but he doesn't take the hint, tries to keep them on the line. sweetie's too much of a pushover to just hang up on someone so they keep trying to walk this conversation to an end point and the call waiting beeping stops when they don't pick up.

big mistake.

and they know it's a big mistake when the call waiting beeping starts up again. and here's where some of the more strange caller audio things can start happening. we still don't know just what this guy is, stealth? demon? offshoot of echo? not sure exactly what kind of supernatural stuff is in his wheelhouse but dealer's choice on what starts to happen when he calls the second time. maybe the call with the flirty guy starts to break up, or hangs up all on its own. maybe sweetie starts to hear the thumps around their house again. whatever it is, it's obvious that the caller wants them to answer him.

sweetie finally picks up the call and oh boy. oh baby. ooooh it's not very nice. caller is furious. in the beginning it would seem that he's pissed at sweetie and they would react accordingly, being afraid of him as they still must be (even if by this point they started to mellow on him like he talks about wanting, how over time they would get used to him and not be so scared.) his tone is sharp and you can almost feel the anger radiating off him just through the sound of his voice when he tells sweetie to get on their bed. now.

caller is like barely holding it together but it quickly becomes obvious that his anger isn't directed at sweetie, he's ranting about the audacity of the other guy for thinking he could take them away from him. this could get many levels of unhinged, talking about hurting the other guy, talking about locking sweetie up away from anyone else who thinks they can have them, just basically all the most delicious yandere freak shit imaginable.

if my prayers were to come true, this scenario would be a spicy one. caller wanting to prove to sweetie that they belong to him. possessive, growly, jealous over-the-phone joi bonus audio. talks of marking them. claiming them. owning them. it's overwhelming but caller is never like explicitly pissed off at sweetie, mostly pissed they didn't just hang up on that other guy. caller is heavy on the praise as he watches them. yeah, this would probably be in the dub-con category given the relationship between caller and sweetie and i understand not everyone is down for that but also it's kind of baked into these two at the core and well ivan's whole thing was dub-con as hell and he got a bonus audio soooo don't like/don't interact and all that jazz.

anyways this ends with caller demanding sweetie to block that guy's number lol

• ok last one i have fleshed out is another kind of idk if nicer is the right word for it considering caller's whole thing but yeah ok it's like a nicer/softer one. something like the first scenario i had where it's moreso to help get sweetie comfortable with the caller, like he wants.

sweetie's asleep. having a nightmare. are we at all surprised if i say they're having a nightmare about the caller? not to keep harping back to ivan (i can't help it, i'm a yandere enjoyer and ivan scratched that itch so right, rip king i know you aren't dead but you're not possessed by a sadism demon anymore so it's basically the same thing 💔) but the vibes are similar to baby 2.0 having ivan nightmares. those sequences were always so good ugh i loved them.

anyways sweetie is having a Bad Time™, hell maybe the nightmare itself isn't centered around caller but maybe in the dream caller is acting as a savior to something else that's scaring them and that fact itself is a little terrifying to them. that's almost juicier, your tormentor becoming your salvation? mmmm

whatever the case, sweetie is pulled from the nightmare by a noise that wakes them up. big surprise, it's their phone ringing at god-only-knows o'clock in the still dark morning. and who else would it be but the person from their dream: their unknown caller.

he's... softer than normal. maybe his own voice has that sleep-gruff quality to it. he tells sweetie that they were thrashing around, must have been a nightmare. he didn't like seeing them distressed. he soothes them a bit, tells them to relax back into bed. maybe there's a glass of water on their bedside table that wasn't there when they first went to bed, ice still floating in it as if it was freshly placed before they woke up.

he talks for a while, letting the sound of his voice help them relax. at some point he asks what their nightmare was about. sweetie tries to deflect, or tries to lie about it hut his voice gets hard for a moment. reminds them of the rules. no lying. they relent and tell caller about it. if it was the dream where something else terrible was happening but caller saved them from it, he would be happy about that. he'd ask them why that made them upset. he's told them before, he'a here to make things better. he's going to fix things for them. sweetie's dream is proof of that, that they're starting to see him in that way.

this would definitely be a sleep aid type scenario. caller talking sweetie back to sleep. i can almost imagine it having that effect like in the first audio where the audio of the call itself has primarily been coming from one side, like if you were talking over the phone. at some point during this, sweetie has rolled over and the phone's pressed between their head and the pillow. their eyes are closed as they start to fall back asleep. then there's that sound of the breathing from the other side, not the huffing ragged breath designed for the creep factor in the first audio but a softer breathing. like sleeping next to a lover. and sweetie falls asleep.

haha ok anyways that was.... A Lot of typing 😅 like i said these are some scenario ideas i've had swimming around in my head over the last 6 months of relistening to the caller's first audio a frankly obscene and concerning amount of times. these ideas are open for anyone who wants to use them as inspiration or prompts, or for building off of in my DMs to make me short circuit lmao whatever tickles your fancy.

all i ask is that if these do inspire something in a fic writer out there that wants to write them, please please pleaaaase tag me so i can read it and go feral about it 🤪

also please other caller enjoyers talk to me this man is in my walls he's haunting me i need solidarity to survive the drought of however long it'll take for us to hear from him again 🥺🥺

[fyodors--ushanka]

Cuddling Headcanons- Ranpo, Dazai, Chuuya, and Kunikida

WARNINGS: Brief mentions of alcohol use.

Genre: fluff

Ranpo:

The very moment he gets home, he will get snacks and run to you.

He will not comply if you want little spoon. He has claimed that title and it's final.

Tells you about his day as you run your fingers through his hair.

Waits impatiently for the flow of: "You did good." "I love you." or "I'm proud of you."

Picks movies such as Ice age, but will also watch detective shows to point out the mistakes made by the detectives.

"Obviously it was him. It's so simple!" "Ranpo. You only know that because we watched it last night."

Will lay on you with his head on your stomach or chest.

Will also lay inbetween your legs, back facing you.

Cries if you leave him to go shit

Sits on a stool and holds your hand as you do said action.

saying no is a sin in his eyes

Oh You're cold? Incoming walking teddy bear alert. Will be your blanket.

Falls asleep cuddling you, possibly drooling on your shirt.

Holds you tight with his arms wrapped around you because he is scared of you leaving him.

Dazai:

He will probably have gotten chinese and 3 bottles of a random liquor.

You finally get home, and find him on the couch, holding liquor and boxes of food in front of him. Before even saying "Hello" You grab the bottle, downing the remaining half of it in one go.

"You have..Ignored me?!" cue the tears.

He grabs your hand and pulls you to sit with him.

He peppers your face with kisses and then asks you about work.

After you answer, he gives you your share of food and begins complaining about Kunikida.

After his rantings, he'll wrap his arms around you, pulling you close, mumbling apologies.

Will watch fast and furious with you.

"How about a doub-" "NO!"

He'll kiss the tip of your nose.

If you let him rest his chin on your shoulder, he will leave hickeys without you knowing.

Most of the time, he will end up spooning you as you finish nursing the bottle of liquor.

"Babyyyy" you'd slur. He'll take the bottle. "Give it baack!" "No. You've had enough." Even though he seems immature, he worries for your health.

You fall asleep in his arms and he sits there, watching you, too scared to let go. He falls asleep holding you. Cuddling you makes him feel peaceful.

Chuuya:

He will come home late, but you'd be awake.

He would be stressed as hell, probably exhausted, but would still change his clothes.

He would lay his head in your lap and let you massage his scalp.

"Rough day?" "Mhm."

His voice would be muffled by your thighs because he was almost face down.

He won't admit it, but he enjoys it when you express your love vocally.

If you move to get something, he'll say something like: "Don't" or "No"

Honestly, He loves you, but loves you more as a pillow.

Listens to whatever you are watching, Will say something if you watch 90 day Fiance.

"He sounds so toxic. she better not go for him. He is a serial dater." "Chu-?" "Shh I'm listening to the TV."

Wraps his arms around your waist.

He will fall asleep if you keep massaging and petting his head, and you will find a way to lay down without disturbing him.

Kunikida:

He always makes sure he has changed before cuddling you. No matter how tired he is.

Cuddling you is in his book of ideals.

He loves it when he lays with his head on your chest and you play with his hair.

Will complain about Dazai for 30 minutes.

Watches House with you.

Also watches Law and Order, along with Criminal Minds.

"I am proud of you, Kunikida." "H-huh?"

Cannot take compliments.

He will eventually spoon you

He gets flustered if you kiss him, but he loves it.

He will lovingly press kisses along your neck with his arms wrapped around your waist.

"Love you." "Love you too."

Forehead kisses.

He is a complete sucker for you expressing your love vocally AND physically.

Little jaw kisses, pressing your Forehead to his, etc;

Usually the night ends with you guys in each others arms.

SORRY IF THIS SUCKED, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME MAKING HEADCANONS.

[bfpnola]

do you have any tips on managing adhd when you can't get professional help and meds? Especially when I have a ton of schoolwork like 3-4+ important things a day when I can only manage 1-1.5.

hey sweetheart! i'm not sure when you sent this in, so i apologize for just seeing this. i'll try to organize my thoughts into bullet points so it isn't a chunky paragraph:

community! having a support network, for better or for worse, really is everything. (for worse because not everyone may have one, but it can be easy to start building one online at least.) i say this because 1) delegation, 2) body doubling, and 3) of course, emotional support.

delegation, meaning giving out tasks to different folks, can be helpful because then you aren't the only person completing these tasks!

body doubling is something i do, without fail, literally everyday, meaning i do my work in the same space as someone else who is also working because it motivates me to do more! whenever i see my roommate cleaning or typing away, before i even make the conscious decision to do so, i do work too. i even get texts like the screenshot below (literally yesterday) because all of my friends are neurodivergent except maybe one. find a set of friends you can count on for body doubling! there's also in our Academic Resources a site called Study Stream that lets you sit on Zoom with a bunch of other random students but personally that makes me feel awkward lol

[ID: Screenshot of text sent through iMessage, the "heart," "thumbs up," "thumbs down," laughing, "exclamation point," and "question mark" icons floating above. The text reads, "Hey, so I'm working on aleks and doing other tasks and I'd like to have a body double who'd be interested in kicking it afterwards. You interested?" For context, Aleks is a program used to complete math problems assigned by professors.]

and lastly, emotional support, the obvious one. when it feels like you have no one supporting you, excuse my language, but this shit gets hard. especially when you're low on spoons, if you know about spoon theory. you need that support!

i'd also say that prioritization is an important skill. sometimes, you really won't get everything done, and it is genuinely frustrating. i try to order my work by what's due soonest so i'm getting closer work out of the way. but you can also order them by hardest to easiest to do so you knock out the absolutely worst thing out of the way so if you do still have energy you just have little stuff left. OR you can do the opposite so you finish more tasks by completing a list of easy stuff. it's really about what makes most sense to you so i can't really make that decision for you.

reward systems tend to work really well, that or conditionals. what i mean by that is gamifying the process of completing tasks. my favorite example of this is actually a new trend on tiktok created by @/luxarnold and then further developed by @/this.isjules and @/fromwonder. if you don't have titkok, basically these folks have put ALL of their tasks in either some sort of arbitrary numerical order or ordered by the energy it would take to complete, and when they roll a dodecahedron (20-sided) die, it lands on one of the numbered tasks and that's what they complete. the more tasks they complete, the more health points they deplete off of this imaginary monster they've created. and at the end, just like a game, they win a prize for defeating the monster. some creators wrote extra hours to watch their favorite TV show, some wrote time for crafting, some wrote specific objects. video example below:

an example of a conditional to me is more like every time i check my phone, i force myself to at least take a tiny sip of water. and you could do the opposite. maybe every time you consume your favorite snack, you complete one assignment until it becomes like habit.

breaks! this girl once said that you should be taking breaks based not on how much you complete, but the energy you deplete. and i live by that now! it doesn't matter if you completed only 2 tasks. if you can afford to, i encourage you to just take the break if your body feels drained. pushing past that will not serve you in completing those other tasks to the best of your abilities. if you don't feel like you can hold yourself accountable this way, i would suggest maybe checking out Pomodoro timers.

bravery! at least in my case, i needed bravery to contact my professors and be vulnerable with them. not every teacher will be so kind, but if you feel comfortable, please reach out and explain that the workload does not work well for you. you'd be surprised by the number of folks who are willing to offer you accommodations. i will literally text my teachers at this point and say, "hey, i just had an anxiety attack and i know by now how long it takes me to regulate myself. i won't be able to attend XYZ/turn in XYZ, so can i instead attend/turn it in on [insert date]?" ask for that help, but also be clear that you do still want to show up and do your best, you just need support right now!

gentleness. i think this may be my last bullet point. like i said earlier, the reality is that you very well may not finish everything that you need to. this is a long-term piece of advice, but it's necessary to be gentle with yourself. cliche, i know, but it's true. i've been slowly unlearning these ideas of perfection and it's rough, friend. truly rough, because as i allow myself to make more mistakes, obviously things aren't in tip-top shape anymore. but to make mistakes, to be imperfect, to be vulnerable, especially in such trying times, is part of being human. right now, you're trying to conform to neurotypical, able-bodied perceptions of productivity and the truth is that we can't all do that. i surely can't. this world was not built for us, so we must reframe what we consider success. or at the very least, we can carve out our own space, hopefully with others to support us, to provide ourselves gentle care. you don't have to love yourself. you don't even have to like yourself, i know i'm still getting there. all you have to do is recognize that as living beings, really just as "beings" in general because i'd like to think our inanimate objects deserve care as well, we all deserve gentleness.

i know this was a lot but i had plenty of ideas buzzing like bees in my mind. let me know if you need help understanding anything i wrote. please excuse any potential typos. LOVE YOU, MWAH <3

-- @reaux07 (she/they)

[undreaming-fanfiction]

My lovely readers, I swear I'm not dead. My work has been crazy and I had almost a month of health complications. Plus I'm working on my Big Bang fic! Some of you will be very happy about that one...

But now, some AU ideas.

Pantheon of gods isn't really set. Sure, you have functions of gods like the god of the dead, of the sun and so on, but the given god isn't a single entity. Instead, it's reminescent of a jury duty. You get your notification and get transported to your godly domain. For the time being. Could be a year, could be ten. And if you think you're not qualified? You're wrong.

Former bully Steve who withdrew from everyone following his fall from grace becomes a god of mending relationships. He stands in front of arguing couples, broken families and estranged siblings, hands on hips, perfecting his no bullshit policy. "I don't care if Aunt Nellie stole your grandmother's silverware, Ethel. Silverware is stupid. But what is even stupider than silverware is sulking about it for decades even after her children returned those stupid forks and spoons. Now, repeat after me: I will go to my niece's birthday party and I won't act like a bigoted cunt there. Oh, you take issue with my language? Well, I take issue with your attitude, Ethel."

Eddie, who considers himself a coward, becomes the god of unexpected courage. He appears in the time of highest need and usually panics way more than the person he's supposed to help. "Uh. Oh fuck. Shit. So...this isn't great, but you can do it. I think. Look, public speaking is a bitch, but guess what? If you don't go up there and say what exactly is wrong with this school, it will be another jock praising the local equality and friendly spirit and all the crap you know isn't true. So you know what? Fuck them! Go up there and tell them that the bullying isn't gone, they're just hiding it better, and watch how the smiles drain from their faces. Make them pay, now go go go!"

It all goes fairly well until they are both sent to Nancy Wheeler and Robin Buckley. Eddie is working his ass off to give Robin courage to confront Nancy about avoiding her after she let it slip she's a lesbian. In the meantime, Steve's chewing Nancy out for being spineless in her relationships and "I don't care if you have a sexuality crisis, Nance, Robin doesn't deserve this behavior from you and if you don't go to her house and tell her you're sorry for making her feel like you hated her for her sexuality, maybe kiss her in the process, I don't care, I'll do something drastic. Just watch me."

And maybe Steve and Eddie make the two girls realize there isn't a problem, that they actually like each other a lot. Maybe they go for a drink to celebrate the job well done. And maybe, after they get released from their godly duties, they find each other in the real world and use some of those negotiation skills and courage to find someone to share their life with.

[awkwardpenguinproductions]

i actually just recently reread all the yuyan stuff and im stopping by to say you're an incredible author and it was a blast to read. take your time with the final stuff because real life and your mental health absolutely comes first, and know that we will still be here when you're ready!!!!

Thank you most kindly, anon!

Hilariously, it's not my mental health throwing a wrench in the works this time, aside from just not having enough mental spoons.

About a year and a half ago now, my rabbi asked me to become a b'nei mitzvah tutor for our synagogue, since we have a bumper crop of students this year and next and not nearly enough tutors. She'd first asked me a year beforehand to do this, and since I wasn't given a firm deadline at the time, my silly ADHD brain said "yeah, sure!", bought the the texts I needed to learn how to chant Torah, and then left them sitting on the bookshelf for the better part of a year. When Rabbi asked me again a year later, I blue-screened, sheepishly admitted that I hadn't really been studying all that much, and then set to teaching myself Torah trope in time to start working with my first student this past June. Well, since then, I've added another student, saw that first student through her Bat Mitzvah, am now working with a third student who has a whopper of a portion and is set to have his Bar Mitzvah in June of this year (Y I K E S), and have agreed to chant a portion in May. So a good portion of my free time is now spent learning and recording various Torah and Haftarah portions, as well as general Friday night/Saturday morning prayers because the recordings on the Temple website are shit.

I have also been tacitly (though not officially and with no start date or documentation as of yet-- basically Rabbi asked me if I was interested, I said yes, she said cool you're first on the list of one name) hired to take over the position of Temple Administrator for the Synagogue, which is going to involve accounting skills that I do not yet have. So I am desperately ripping through Idiot's Guides and For Dummies books because I have no idea when this is going to start and I can't study this stuff in the two-ish hours of free-ish time I have at work with Smoller Bean now in preschool, because being the friendly people that they are, Boss Lady and Mr. Dad will want to know what I'm doing, and I really don't want to have that conversation until I know for a fact that I have a job lined up just in case they decide to fire me before I can quit. So when I'm not ruining my vocal chords or bugging Poppa Penguin with pronunciation questions, I'm giving myself carpal tunnel with the amount of notes I'm taking. All of this on top of the usual daily chaos of trying to keep the Beans from killing themselves, each other, or me, as well as the general busywork of keeping myself fed and watered and at a publicly acceptable level of hygiene.

So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

Anyway, apologies for using your ask to basically info dump on the current state of the Iceberg, Anon, but I figured I might as well let everyone know why I've basically fallen off the face of the planet. I appreciate everyone's patience and understanding, and I'll get to it when I get to it 😆😆😆

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

yknow there is a certain power to getting rid of Stuff™️ that's been laying around for too long.... and kinda sorta ruining your mental health bc it just doesn't need to be there.

so in this last week, i finally booked a council clean up to get rid of all the old toys and other various shit from my bedroom, that had been literally been there since I was a kid. old toddler and younger kid me clothes all bagged up in household tidy bags for nearly 20 years. a piece of the expensive and fancy fold out whinne the pooh tree house set that I begged my parents for and got for Christmas qhen I was like 6 or 7. an old salior moon doll. a legacy xbox 360 steering wheel from like 2004; which was constantly falling down onto my feet under my desk. a teletubbies Po toy that miraculously still talks after 20 years (at least) of non-use (who says toys from the late 90s and early 2000s dont last?) . you get the picture.

all of this shit is finally thrown out. gone. disappeared. alakazamed out of the fucking house. i spoonful of sugared/mary poppinsed the fuck out of ny room last tuesday night. and I feel so much lighter. despite it fucking with my dust allergies for a couple a days last week (wed and thurs); I feel SO MUCH BETTER now that all that fucking shit is gone. I can finally use the walk in wardrobe section that is closest to my actual wardrobe (which in another CCU I'll have to clean out and remove since it's broken). I've hung up my oodie (a wearable type blanket thing) and my dressing gowns. I've moved my shoes into that section too, so I no longer trip over my shoes every morning when I get up or when im getting ready for work this week. I've moved my sister's fold up mini stationary bike in there too; so it's no longer in front of my wardrobe being annoying asf when i need to get something out.

just yeah. there's a power in getting rid of old shit. and yes there's a power to Marie kondo-ing your spaces too- to keep the stuff you want or may need in the future and "gives you joy". but none of this shit was giving me a sense of joy. it was accumulated over too many years, making me sad. making me annoyed anytime it fell down or had to be moved around for some other reason (usually if I'd lost something or had to kill a cockroach at 3am). it all had to go. and god. being able to breathe in your own room and not feel hemmed in by all that shit is so freeing and mind clearing.

also sifting through and getting rid of all that shit always reminds me of why I don't really want kids tbh lol.

[artdecosupernova-writing]

Small Stories Hour: Darkspace Portent

Chill

↳ "Uh…so actually..."

"No!" Esther yelped, laughing around her mouthful of ice cream and hitting Warren's shoulder with the back of her hand. "Don't you dare."

Warren gingerly placed the next spoonful onto his tongue and made a face, smacking the creamy frozen treat around his palate before ultimately deciding his first instinct had been correct. "Yeah…sorry, you talked a big game but I'm not feeling this." He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and dug around the contents of the cup for a piece of blueberry and gave it one more try, chewing through the odd combination of the tart fruit and the caramel ginger ice cream. "What…the hell kind of health-nut bullshit is this? This isn't dessert, this is fraud."

Esther laughed again and stomped her foot. "Don't! Oh my god, you're never gonna let me live this down, are you?"

Warren grinned at her, casually sweeping his eyes over the shadows cast on her face from the sunset through the trees on the other side of the street. "You swore up and down on this weirdness, calling me all sorts of names for not believing you, so I think this deserves at least a week's worth of retaliation."

Stirring her own melting honey-topped ice cream around in its cup, Esther groaned. "I guess it could be worse."

"It could be, and it just might be. I just hit an almond." Warren made a show of gagging.

"Stop eating it if you hate it so much, then!" She snatched the cup from him. "Who invited you anyway?"

"You did," he said, tossing the spoon in the trash as they passed. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. "The words were 'wanna grab some fraudulent ice cream, you fucking child?'"

Esther laughed again. "Well, you're definitely being a child about this."

They stopped at the pier and watched the fishing boats bobbing along with the current down the shore. Esther combined their ice creams and finished them herself, letting out a loud belch after the last bite that echoed across the bay.

"Mm, real humbling, Esther," Warren quipped.

"Wanna go to my place and make out?"

Warren inhaled sharply, observing a particularly large boat that circled the dock, blocking some of the smaller ones from view. "What's the second option?"

Esther shrugged. "I got a cold mouth."

Warren risked glancing at her just as she winked and stuck her tongue out, a wicked smile crossing her pretty features. He chuckled, ignoring the shiver that bolted through him. "Jesus Christ, woman..."

"If you're not up for that, we could watch a movie or binge that new show, uh…what's it called..."

"Back up a second," Warren said. "Were you being serious?"

Esther looked at him, holding her purse under her arm and tilting her head. "…Was I?"

Warren idly stroked his stubble and took in the way her eyes manifested an amber glow when exposed to direct sunlight. A vague and persistent something tugged at the back of his brain as he noted her minimal use of makeup and the small beauty mark under her right eyebrow, but he couldn't focus enough to place the nagging or give it any mind.

The corners of his mouth turned up. "Were you?"

"I mean, I'm cute, you're cute…I think we should be cute together."

"That's pretty damn bold of you, girl."

"Got somewhere to be?"

Warren cleared his throat and surveyed the area for nosy passers-by. "…You know what? I don't. I'll meet you at your place in twenty."

The sun had long gone by the time they sat in Esther's bed in their underwear after an awkward but fun time getting to know each other that much better, bowls of vanilla ice cream in their possession. The second episode of the latest popular show started on her laptop, perched precariously on Warren's knee. He accidentally dropped a bit of the cold chocolate syrup on his chest.

"Shit."

"You're right," Esther sighed. "Nothing beats the old-fashioned stuff."

"Never doubt me again, Washington. I know what's good."

"Yeah you do."

Warren snorted and shoved her with his elbow. When they finally cleared out the bowls, he wrapped an arm around her and she snuggled against him, settling down to binge the next five episodes of the show before they agreed to talk about what transpired at a later time and fell asleep in each others' arms.

Though, it took Warren a good hour to actually get to sleep at all.

[coulsonlives]

Hi, how's it going? I just saw your post about spoons and how people in this RPC act like you're an ableist asshole over it, and holy shit do I relate, because it's literally happened to me too. Rant incoming, but I thought I'd pass some validation your way... I have a lot of feelings about this.

Like you said, tumblr users have become absurdly brazen with the "you're ableist" accusations towards people with disabilities who are just trying to enjoy a hobby, and trying to ensure their needs are met by making them clear/upfront in their rules. Like, jesus christ... If you have depression or low spoons, and you easily burn out from high partner/character turnover, or if you don't spend a lot of time online, or if you get really disoriented if you log on once a week and see a lot has changed re: your partners' blogs and such, that's a valid concern. It's not being fucking "ADHD ableist" to say you burn out if partners have a high turnover with their blogs or characters, so you prefer to follow people whose blogs and characters are more stable. It's not "ADHD ableist" to say you prefer writing longform posts rather than one-liners. It's not "ADHD ableist" to say you have memory issues, so you can't manage when threads or characters change a lot. That last one about memory is very ironic, because ADHD can literally affect working memory too, sometimes you need to take the exact same approach with it! Anyways, long story short, there's no "right" way to roleplay. My approach to roleplaying isn't going to be compatible with everyone else's, that's just the way it works. But some assholes don't understand that at all, and they throw fists over it, and I just? Stop.

We're not saying "if you roleplay this way, you suck ass", or "this way of roleplaying is better than the rest", or "if you read these rules, you must do as I say because I'm a bossy controlling high-maintenance bitch", but that's literally what the Reactive Outrage Crowd seems to interpret from our rules... Which we've put upfront out of courtesy, before people even interact with us. And I'm sick of it. I've seen it happen to my friends, and it's happened to me, I'm sorry to hear it's happened to you, too, ugh. You can be the nicest person, and you still get shit because people take screencaps out of context or whatever, and they think their disabilities and ND traits give them full license to order us to conform to their own specific needs, which they wrongly believe is the only "right" way to roleplay, so we must conform to them, and them only.

What the hell happened to, "we are fundamentally incompatible as writing partners, so instead of trying to force each other to fit into a mold, which is only going to lead to frustration, let's acknowledge we are too different, and find partners who are more compatible"?!

Honestly, these last few years.

The worst part, in my opinion? How tumblr's RPC is full of petty-ass roleplayers who like to pretend they're inclusive, and understanding of people who are ND or who have disabilities, but as it turns out... They're only accepting if you're the "right" kind of ND or disabled, fuck you if you're anything else.

Are you autistic, and do you have very blunt or direct rules that are formatted in bullet points? Maybe you'll hear, "wow, if I wanted to apply for a job and check off boxes, I'd go on indeed, lmfao" (I wish I were kidding, this has happened). Have health problems and need to explain the specific ways it affects your writing or blog organization, which involves a lot of tag lists and explanations? "Wow, these rules are so long, nobody with ADHD is going to read a textbook, lmaoo." (Yes, I've also seen this.) Prefer not to follow people who are super into one specific fandom, because you don't want to hear about it, or because you don't want a higher likelihood of seeing that content on your dash (due to accidental untagging or something)? "Lmao, this person sounds like a wet napkin".

Are you kidding me?

Some people are so ready to shit on rules and posts that do literally nothing wrong. The only things these rules and posts do is show incompatibility with the person's own roleplaying style, in a totally non-judgmental way. But people equate these rules and posts to ableism and rudeness, because they've gotten it into their heads that their own way to roleplay is the "only way", and then they start stirring up the Outrage Porn mobs. Hey, look everyone, here's the latest in "shitty ableism," let's all stare and wonder wtf is wrong with this person who's done literally nothing even remotely offensive! Like that's not a super fucked-up form of entertainment. And why is it always "ADHD ableist", like you said? I feel bad for the people with ADHD who genuinely don't give a rat's ass about people's rules or finding faults in everything, and who just adhere to the live and let live mindset.

Like… Come on, people. There is nothing wrong with ADHD, or with preferring high-turnover threads or short rules and things... Just like there's nothing wrong with the alternative. Just shut the fuck up with the rules bullshit, regardless of your disabilities, and stop acting like you know what's best for all people and their own disabilities. People who are clearly incompatible with you don't owe you shit, especially if they're not hurting anyone or forcing you to do anything. You need to stop being so entitled and learn how to walk away like an adult. And stop calling everything ableist without it warranting it, because not only are you hurting ND/disabled people more often than not when you use it (sometimes without even realizing it), especially on a website like tumblr, but you're grossly watering down the term, and that's going to bite all of us in the ass one day. You shouldn't be proud of that, you should be ashamed.

Okay, I'm done lol.

(Shit like this is why I don't go on tumblr anymore, for the record.)

This needs to be framed and displayed in the tumblr rp museum of excellence, thank you for saying it

[vergess]

Some life hacks for these symptoms that I've developed over time:

Nightmares: try those annoying "how to lucid dream" videos on youtube. They won't teach you to control your dreams, but they might help you learn to recognize a dream and force yourself awake. Popping up out of a nightmare on purpose generally makes me feel more in control and less afraid of sleeping.

Sleep paralysis: If you can try holding your breathe (very unpleasant) you can sometimes startle your brain out of its sleep lock, letting you move enough to "wake up" all the way and stop seeing the Mysterious Black Static Of Evil, or whatever your hallucinations are.

Cataplexy: I got nothing actually. Try not to live in a place with lots of stairs. Get a service dog if you can, so that if you do fall down the stairs the dog can alert help. (Or, like, don't live alone if that's an option).

EDS: A good amount of them time, if I'm put to bed during an attack and allowed to fall fully asleep, I can be woken up 10 minutes later to no ill effect (aside from having to wake up again). I know for some people, the lengte of sleep needed is much higher, I think some literature suggested it can be up to two hours? But after experimentation with my partner waking me, I'm losing MUCH less time to Mandatory Morning Naps.

Co-morbids: Regardless of the medical opinion re autoimmune and narcolepsy, the autoimmune and chronic illness community has a LOT of info that is helpful for managing the symptoms. And, perhaps most importantly, having other people with similar experiences to talk to and problem solve with is a HUGE help for mental health and suicidality.

Insomia: I'm still working on this, but I've found that the tips people who have circadian disorders suggest are helpful so far. I'm housebound anyway, so I "get to" just "lay down for ten minutes with my eyes closed any time I feel tired". So far, early patterns are emerging in the timing and severity of my attacks, so hey! Maybe this will be more helpful long term!

Cognitive function: Also got nothing for this. I suck down stimulants almost as fast as pain meds...

Quality of Life: Well. I mean. Yeah. This one all comes back down to Marie Kondo style "make your space work for you" type of shit that is frankly just a bandaid solution. That said, it DOES make me feel better about how much time I spend in bed when my bed looks cute as fuck.

Diagnostics: If you think you have narcolepsy just fully fucking lie to your doctor and say you have sudden "fainting spells" when you get angry. Most doctors ain't shit, and they will not think of narcolepsy unless you spoon feed them a stereotype of cataplexy. Bring a buddy to corroborate. Your story is that you don't pass out, you're still awake, you just can't move or hold yourself up anymore.

Fucking lie until they actual give you real diagnostics. Because they WILL try to tell you it's sleep apnea, or that you need to lose weight, or that you've got anxiety.

It is morally right and just to lie to your doctor if its the only way to access treatment, diagnostics, or care. This is as true for chronically ill people as it is for pregnant people, poor people, addicts, people of colour, and everyone else the medical system strives to ignore as much as possible.

a lot of people think narcolepsy is just ‘being sleepy’ or even ‘being lazy’ but it’s so much more than that. symptoms of narcolepsy include:

extremely intense, vivid dreams/nightmares. narcolepsy is defined as a disorder in which most of, if not all of your sleep is REM sleep. this is what causes daytime sleepiness; your body is NOT RESTING CORRECTLY and is physically incapable of doing so. we have little, if any deep sleep.

sleep paralysis and hallucinations.

cataplexy, found in type 1 narcoleptics. cataplexy is very similar to a seizure, though it is not classified as one. episodes of cataplexy are usually (but not always) brought on by strong emotions, and cause you to lose control of different parts of your body, ranging from muscle limpness to full on collapse.

EDS, or excessive daytime sleepiness. often times, narcoleptics will suffer from something called a sleep attack, where they fall asleep uncontrollably. this can happen while working, driving, or doing hobbies.

increased risk of all cancers and other (yes, narcolepsy is suspected to be an autoimmune disease!) autoimmune diseases, as well as an increased rate of mental health issues. ADHD, diabetes, heart disease, and depression are often co-morbid with narcolepsy. tying in with this, we have an increased rate of suicide.

insomnia due to the nature of extremely fragmented and disrupted sleep. intense and vivid nightmares can often make WANTING to go to sleep difficult as well. pretty much any other sleep disorder can be co-morbid with narcolepsy.

decreased cognitive function. memory issues are common in people with narcolepsy; even a mild case of narcolepsy can be compared to going 48-72 hours without sleep in a normal person…except its every day.

extremely poor quality of life. [1] [2]

not a symptom, but it often takes narcoleptics several years to be diagnosed w this disability; it is EXTREMELY under-diagnosed, and testing and treatment are very expensive even with insurance.

there is no cure for narcolepsy, only treatments. the only treatments we currently have are various stimulants (adderall, modafinil, ritalin, etc) or just straight up GHB. many people cannot tolerate these medicines, making treatment even more difficult.

(keep in mind that i am writing this post from an american perspective; i know treatment is often more accessible in some ways in other countries, though i also know it can be worse/harder in different ways too.)

[mcalhenwrites]

I'm overworking myself, and with my mounting health issues, this is where my mental health starts to collapse. Where I start to get stressed and self-destructive. I'm recognizing this, but what do I even do to help myself? I feel like I'm doing not only everything I can, but ten times more than is safe for me physically and mentally. I'm barely getting any writing done because I'm working my job, taking care of errands (that include my self-employment tasks, like getting materials for crochet), I'm still monetizing crochet and that's so bad for my fibro and my happiness but I also sold that cat in a pumpkin at an event, I'm behind on my Oct prompts, I've only got some of my November patreon rewards finished, I have barely started one of my two art commissions, I'm not making much progress on editing Rascal. I might be adding more work hours once I'm baking goodies, and my work hours include "showering as soon as I get home because a dog shit anxiety diarrhea on me when I had to pick him up as he was trying to run away" today. ;A; And I have my surgery consultation on Wednesday to deal with an excruciating tennis-ball sized cyst in my abdomen! I can recover from that. I can't recover from fibro. I can keep overworking and worsen it permanently from lack of self-care, but how am I supposed to find that? I really need my WFH writing and art stuff to take off more so I can have reason to actually do things that don't require all my spoons. So I can give up crochet and finally - happily - focus on only doing it in small sessions at a SAFE pace for projects I want to do. Not projects that will earn me money. (Everyone says "write for yourself!" when I mention wanting to selfishly write nonstop, but none of those same people have ever said "crochet for yourself" - kind of telling! A LOT TELLING! And not about me. Yikes. :) ) Anyway, if anyone has some kind advice and not the "you aren't even trying" bullshit, it might help? Also, I can't be told to rest when rest comes with the punishment of increased poverty. I just don't know what to do, but I wish I could do something to better my situation. I know I could thrive if only things would just improve, if only hard work actually added to a lot of reward rather than almost none. (But that little 0.0006% is enough to justify my overworking continuously.)

[pesterloglog]

Autoresponder, Jane Crocker

Act 6, page 4956

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TT: Shred it.

GG: What?

TT: you HAVE

TT: the car.

GG: Um.

TT: Now shred it.

TT: Turn it into grist.

GG: Oh!

GG: No!!

GG: I am not going to destroy my dad's car.

TT: We need grist though.

TT: I can't get any building done without more.

TT: Not to mention the fact that you're not going to be able to make any cool shit.

GG: There has to be a better way to gather up grist, though.

TT: Well, I think there are supposed to be monsters here.

TT: I haven't seen any monsters yet, have you?

GG: No, and I can't say I'm too disappointed.

TT: You should be though. Presumably they would drop grist and stuff when you kill them.

TT: Like treasure. And food products that restore your health. Or at least make you less hungry.

TT: Haven't you ever played a video game, Jane?

GG: Of course I have!

TT: That's cool. I haven't, since I am a pair of sunglasses, and communing with such simplistic software would be a trivial and hollow exercise for me.

TT: But I know loads of stuff about games. Like the fact that you gotta kill monsters if you want to make progress.

TT: If not to snatch up the bitchin' loot, at least for the levels.

GG: Levels?

TT: How are you going to get better at fightin' without killing monsters, Jane.

GG: I think I've done a fair job of scaling my echeladder without resorting to the slaughter of innocent, fictional monsters, thank you very much.

TT: Please.

TT: You've barely done any climbing at all. I'm talking about hopping more rungs than what playing a little prank on your dad or throwing your hat on the ground super hard is gonna get you.

TT: You need battle experience to make some real headway. Like Jake.

GG: I'm getting a little tired of various iterations of Dirk Strider telling me how I need to be more like Jake.

GG: I know you think Jake is neat. I know all the Dirks just ADORE Jake! I GET IT!

TT: Wow, chill out.

TT: This ain't about whatever stuff you're apparently fixin' to twist your shit in a pretzel over.

TT: You just need to get stronger, is all. Don't you think that's what your dad would want?

GG: You don't need to remind me about that. I'm suddenly having flashbacks to a few years ago when he would ambush me almost every day for a pointless round of strife.

GG: Boy does getting swatted with brooms and having cakes shoved in your face get old fast.

TT: Yeah, but in the process you got pretty handy with that fork/spoon thingy, didn't you?

GG: Well. Yes.

TT: I'm just saying, if you don't run into any monsters on this planet, I think I'm going to have to set the bunny to "sparring mode" to help you along.

GG: I am not going to spar with Lil Sebastian!!!

GG: He is too quick and deadly to fight with.

GG: And also, too adorable. :B

TT: Ok. We'll see about that.

TT: But in the meantime, we need to figure out a way to start harvesting grist.

TT: Let's forget the car. But now that you have the wallet, you can grab much bigger things.

TT: Big things have got to be worth more grist than all the picayune bullshit you keep around the house.

TT: There are some choice relics in this place. Some of it has to be worth a fortune, gristways.

GG: You could be right.

GG: I will give it a try.

[stealtharchaeologist]

I didn't end up finishing applying for disability, but I spoke with a disability rights lawyer in the process and he said that something like 80% of applications are denied completely arbitrarily, SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE most people give up when they're first denied because they don't have the knowledge or resources or the fucking spoons to go through the appeals process! They are ABSOLUTELY weeding people out and it's sick.

The marriage thing is insanely unfair for so many reasons. When you're on disability, depending on your state, you may be limited to having total assets of less than $2,000 at any given time. With that $2,000 monthly you're expected to pay for rent and groceries and bills and transportation and mobility aids and to cover any healthcare costs not covered by your meager health insurance. Live in an expensive area? Fuck you. Need an expensive medication or wheelchair repair? Go fuck yourself! Want to save to retire someday? Lol you're working for the rest of your life, bitch, no matter how sick you get. God forbid you have some sort of emergency!

They'll pay for you to have a personal care attendant for forty hours a week (if you qualify, of course!), but fuck you if you need help for more hours than that! So you better make sure you spread out those 40 hours throughout the week very carefully so you can get everything done to, you know, live. Good luck finding qualified people willing to work two hour shifts twice a day for near minimum wage. Even if you can find attendants, good luck keeping them for more than a couple months on near minimum wage. Oh, and since they're technically government employees, they have to go through lots of paperwork and background checks, disqualifying anyone with a criminal history or undocumented folks. Again for difficult, skilled labor in weird shifts for menial pay.

My boss pays out of pocket to increase pay for her attendants to $13-$15/hr, which is the most she can afford, but that's absolute shit pay here in Austin, TX; no one can live on that, but it's better than the $9.25 that Medicare/Medicaid pays. And remember, she's limited to $2,000/mo in income and she has to pay that extra $4-6 an hour, 40 hours a week, to get anyone to work for her! Out of the $2,000 that must also cover rent and food and bills and healthcare and transportation!

You know what would solve a lot of these problems? Having a roommate or a partner to share costs with, to have around to do things like help you get out of bed and go to the bathroom and make food... But guess what - even getting a roommate puts you at risk of losing benefits! Because according to the state, if you're splitting costs and have someone at home to help take care of you, then you don't need disability benefits! Including the health insurance! Gooo fuck yourself!

So yes, marriage is completely out of the question.

Oh, and apropos of nothing, my boss's wheelchair costs literally more than my car did brand new, and she frequently has to pay for repairs out of pocket, along with customizations that are literally necessary for her to function but that the state decided... weren't.

The system is absolute fucking trash and makes me so mad I could cry sometimes.

fucking hate the "well it's not technically marriage inequality that disabled people can't get married without losing their benefits because no one's stopping you from getting married" yeah something is stopping us from getting married. Loss of medical care. Homelessness. Hunger. Death. I don't know how to tell you this but SSI is not a thing that you get because you could technically get a job but you don't feel like it. The process is awful, it's dehumanizing and it can take years even if you're clearly disabled. If you can work you do work, and if you can't work you can't afford to lose your "benefits". It's eugenics plain and simple, it came from a time where you could only fuck if you were married and they wanted to de-incentivize disabled people from fucking so we would stop existing.

[the-old-man-has-the-phonebox]

Vent

I hate my NP.

If I had the spoons, I'd find someone else.

I saw her for the first time since July after she magically couldn't get me in for a month despite me needing my meds changed immediately and then rescheduled me *again*. It turns out the email with the telehealth link isn't automated and she sent it to me not a few days before like she usually does, but TWO MINUTES AFTER THE APPOINTMENT WAS SUPPOSED TO START.

She had a med student shadowing her, too. Good fucking luck to her, I don't know how the fuck she's even practicing at this point. I should've said I didn't want her to sit in, but I've always been a fucking doormat and that's all I ever will be.

She had no real sympathy when I told her about my broken foot. I feel bad because I, an autistic person, of *all* people should understand not adhering to social cues, but Jesus Christ— a little sympathy from anyone in my life would be fucking amazing!!! Like, a little more than "sorry to hear that" from her would've been really nice.

She even forgot it multiple times. She also forgot another thing I've been asking of her for MONTHS that I had to once again remind her about.

"So is there a pharmacy near campus you want me to send your refills to?"

"Umm... like I said earlier, I'm not at school. I'm at home and will be indefinitely. I can't really walk on my own right now, let alone live alone in my dorm. Just send it to my usual one."

"oh."

Anyway, I'm starting new meds. Again. I'm trying an NSRI for the first time because she thinks the serotonin part of SSRIs is what gives me nausea issues with new pills (I've been going to her for over half a decade. Did it seriously take that long to think "hmm, maybe SSRIs aren't the answer?"?!?!?)

She made a cheeky comment about "Hopefully next time will be our last meeting for a while because these pills will work and I won't need to come back so often :)".

Ma'am. I think about not being alive multiple times a day every goddamn day. We've discussed this thoroughly, in fact.

To reiterate: as an autistic person who misses social cues like it's my job, I shouldn't be the one to pass judgment. But *god fucking dammit*, you're the PROFESSIONAL here!!! Do your fucking job!!!!! Give a single solitary shit about my life and my existence!!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!

Hell, I could probably do her job better because at least I can fucking mask!

I didn't even bother asking her about a PPD (Paranoid Personality Disorder) evaluation.

I'm so fucking tired. My mental health has taken an absolute nosedive since I broke my foot and I'm stuck either in bed or on the couch all day every day, and I didn't think it could even *get* any worse than what it was pre-break.

Not even my own fucking doctor cares enough to give a shit about me. My family doesn't really, either.

I'm so tired. I don't want to keep doing this anymore. Fuck.

How the fuck is she a functioning human being? How can she be considered an employable adult when I'M NOT?!? How the fuck has she kept this job?!?!? Why the fuck do abled (to my knowledge) people get to be so fucking incompetent, but if I managed to secure a job and asked for accommodations, I'M THE ONE OUT OF THE TWO OF US GETTING FIRED????

[monoton-e]

lovely little update:

i'm doing pretty good, all things considered. i'm actually learning how to drive behind the wheel, continuing transitioning my diet to foods that better serve me and my health, actually cleaning my room (I have never had a room be 100% clean. Always boxes here bags there, temporary tidy, so uh, this is HUGE for me. Just need to downsize my clothes and deal with a SINGLE box of old mail and paperwork. Woo), hell, decorate my room for the first time ever too (I've been living with blank off white walls ever since I've had my own room so it feels weird), listening to more music, cut off some people I thought were friends simply because we were in the same guild and not because of anything genuine, and stuff. Im shit at school, I realize. I dont know how to study. Also I procrastinate everything, really really bad. I started playing guitar again and I plan to start drawing again; it's been too long. My situationship remains as is, a situationship but honestly, its like a fwb but the benefits are emotional LMFAO well, there *is* some actual fwb but its all online which is a okay with me. Honestly a solid support friend, and I've gotten much closer to 2 other friends recently too. Its nice seeing people being genuine in their interactions with me simply because they want to be around me. I'm on the fence over one friendship, we call eachother besties because of how much we've gone through together, but they don't understand that I want nothing romantic with them, not even my normal everyday soft fluff affection I give to my friends normally. I've been distancing myself because its all I really can do. My relationship with my sister is still shit but we're taking it a day at a time. My parents and I are on better terms, but also tense in its own way because of financial tensions. I dont talk to my niece as much, but we still send eachother memes. Same with my bro. Thats really it. Oh, and my cat is still here, follows me around more often lately and likes to take naps on his tree and my room when its cold.

I'm doing good, still depressed and mentally and emotionally *shxt* but I'm good. Vitamin water is lit. So is sourdough toasted with a bit of honey on it. Lavender earl grey tea with a spoonful of shite sugar and a dash of milk is delicious. I miss the feeling of my skin being hydrated by simply existing outside like it was in LA. I am lonely as I dont have anyone out here in ABQ to call a friend and to spend time together but it is what it is. I feel more truthful and honest and more.. sincere? I dunno, I normally am but this time I dont really make an effort to fake it or try to people please anymore. Its been interesting.

I'm taking 2 classes and failing them rn (statistics and english). I haven't worked since November.

I'm struggling so much. Some days, the smallest thing will make me cry. Oh yeah, I'm a big ol crybaby these days. I'm sensitive af (not new) but I've been just feeling things out as long as I need to. Its not really good or bad, nor helpful really, but its nice to just let it out, exist, and listen to music.

I found my meds (been off for a few months b/c I lost them and lost the will to take em) but I took my first pill in a long time today. And yeah. Now thats it.

Thanks for reading, maybe I'll have more to say in terms of accomplishments next update, we'll see