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stardustizuku · 10 months ago

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“Renee Rapp is the only good part of Mean Girls”

Unfortunately, no. She’s as bad as every other part of the movie, you’re probably just forcing yourself to like it cause you love both 1) Regina and 2) Renee.

This is not to say that Renee is a bad singer, her vocal performance is, indeed, the best part of the movie. And to say her acting is bad, wouldn’t be fair. Yes, she lacks any subtlety to play Regina, but thats a (bad) creative decision, that likely she had small to no part in. It’s also not to say that she doesn’t look great. Her outfits did her a disservice, but Renee is in fact very pretty, and she’s been Regina before. And it’s not like she was bad in the musical revival, quite the contrary.

Buuut I do believe that people have decided to ignore how bad her acting is in the movie, either cause they don’t wanna hate on Regina, or they don’t wanna hate on Renee.

When people talk about Angourie Rice’s performance they point out that her vocal performance is less than stellar and “bad” when compared to the musical. However, it’s a question of “is the music low-energy because she doesn’t have the range, or was the creative decision to have low-energy made because the movie is ashamed of being a musical?”

That exact same question is what I have with Renee’s acting.

She makes changes that break her character in very significant ways, and I wonder is it because she can’t act on screen (movie and theater acting are two different things) or because the movie itself is ashamed it’s a musical and all theatrics are turned down.

First, Regina George is a Mean Girl, not a bully.

And I say that, not to excuse Regina, she’s still a terrible person, but because the way the archetype works is different.

A bully only makes fun of you and an antagonizes you. A mean girl befriends you and destroys you from the inside while they smile.

Regina has three moments in relation to Cady. This is to say, upon first meeting Regina, up until her downfall, there’s three key aspects that create her character.

1.- I wanna be her friend

2.- I wanna be her

3.- She’s dangerous

And while Renee can absolutely channel maybe 2 and definitely 3, she cannot for the life of her channel the 1 in the story. Again, I don’t fault her, entirely, since she’s been able to play Regina on stage before. But stage not always translates perfect on a movie. Besides, I do believe making Regina…like that is a creative decision from someone who knows nothing about Mean Girls.

Someone who sees Regina exclusively as someone dangerous, because she can be mean and isn’t afraid to tear others down.

But the thing about her, is that she isn’t that. The reason why she’s so scary is that she can be your best friend, the person you trust the most, and she’ll backstab you. The true fear coming from how you initially trusted her so much, she has AMO to destroy you, while she still comes out unscathed.

In the original movie, the first thing Regina does, is save Cady from a man making inappropriate advances at her. The second thing she does is show genuine interest in her, and (from Cady’s perspective) compliment her, welcoming her into her sphere of friends. This is what makes Cady think she’s good, why she trust Regina to talk to Aron, giving her the opportunity to take him back.

It isn’t until later that we realize all those acts were self serving. The man harassing Cady was one that was making Gretchen make a fool of herself, and by extension the plastics, and by extension Regina. Her interest, is because Cady is new and she needs to asses her as either friend or foe. Her love bombing was a series of clever tricks to see how well-socialized she was (the “do you agree, you think you’re really pretty?” Scene is genius to show how she is analyzing her). And she eventually welcomes her to turn a potential enemy into her ally.

But because she’s pretty, because she’s nice and looks innocent enough, those are things you can only pick on after rewatching and knowing just how smart and dangerous she is.

Regina, initially, comes off as a very sweet, very nice and supportive friend.

This is the “I wanna be her friend part”.

The musical actually does a pretty good job with this. Her introductory number “Meet The Plastics” is quite a dramatic number. But that drama borders the line between actually a bit concerning and a very silly atmosphere.

For starters, it starts with Damian and Janice gossiping. But because of the jokes and the tone they have, rather than their introduction feeling like a warning, it feels, well, gossip. While they are being genuine, there’s this part of you that thinks they’re being dramatic and you shouldn’t take their words at face value.

And then Regina starts to sing. Again, dramatic. But you feel like she’s overreacting. Rather than lines like “this whole school humps my leg like a chihuahua” feeling genuine, they feel like a joke. Like she isn’t serious. That all this comments on how she’s great, are hilarious.

Also, and to me this is the most important part, her “and I am a massive deal” line and what follows, feels like she is genuinely happy. Like she’s giddy. It’s pure vanity, like a girl looking at herself in the mirror and going “omg I’m soooo pretty, aren’t I?”, which contrasts harshly when ‘World Burn’ reprises it, and NOW she’s angry.

This is then couple by Gretchen and Karen’s numbers. Karen is purely comedy on how not-smart she is. Gretchen’s is a perfect complement for Regina’s. It’s extremely comedic, constantly putting herself down in a way that makes you laugh, just vaguely mentioning the fact Regina is dangerous. You are laughing now, but if you let her words sink in, you realize how abusive her relationship with Regina truly is.

The number ends with a harmony that signifies how well the Plastics work together, each filling their spot. It’s also very fun and cheerful. This helps you sell that initial idea of “I want to be (Regina George’s) friend”

She’s fun, she’s charismatic, everything is in tune.

The movie, however, presents her ONLY with Regina’s solo from Meet the Plastics, and does this by taking her VERY seriously.

Renee was able to get away with this in her take of the musical because, well, it was a musical. Stage performance.

Renee played her as if she knew she was the biggest deal in the scene. Which, when you have other big personalities and comedic lines, ends up feeling…like she’s bragging. Like a teen girl thinking she’s sooo cool for owning a Stanley cup. Neither the audience, nor really the stage, believed or fully believed all she was saying. Match this with the outfits and the way Renee pitched up her voices to sound different from the actual singing, gives you - Regina George. Maybe not the original Regina, but close enough for a musical.

Renee works in the musical because she’s perfectly capable of giving this massive dramatic songs, all with the same intensity - but the way she acts outside them giving you this dissonance.

Everyone sings about how she’s dangerous, she sings about how she’s a big deal, but outside those scenes, she plays the innocent sweet girl so well you do not trust she’s THAT mean - until World Burns.

But in the movie, she can’t really do the bimbo-ish, over the top white girls. Mostly because the movie is deeply shamed of being a musical (and a comedy musical at that). So instead they decided to have her play a mean girl that doesn’t have all these, uhm, cutesy hyper feminine over top characteristic. Which means stripping away half of the character. And leaving us with…just a scary girl.

To make matters worst, she gets introduced in her very first scene wearing a BLACK LEATHER JACKET. Which, people have already pointed out how cheap the costumes look, but that’s not the beef I have.

In the movie, and in the musical, Regina wears pinks, whites, and purples. Whites and pink being the ones she wears initially and purples coming into the later half when Regina is going into her descend. She wears black in very few scenes, and that’s why her outfits stands out so much in the Burn Book scene.

This is emphasis her character. Someone who appears sweet and nice and innocent. Someone who wouldn’t hurt her friends. But once she’s lost it all, and decides to burn everything down, she wears black.

By introducing her wearing a black leather jacket, the entirety of her character gets ruined. She’s no longer presented as a preppy girl you’d die to have as a friend, she’s a tough girl who’s incredibly rude.

Because Renee does not shift to a high pitched silly voice, she stays as this tough girl persona.

And her insults, instead of being something funny at first glance only later realize she was actually being super mean and bitchy, FEEL MEAN FROM THE START. You cannot be fooled into thinking that she was ever a good person. Specially since on her first appearance, she mocks Gretchen for saying “fetch”. She does this too in the original, but here it’s harder to ignore just how pissed Regina was with the fetch comment. In the original Regina looks genuinely confused, here she looks annoyed at the very first mention.

Again, on the first meeting, she doesn’t come off as someone you wanna be friends with. She comes off as a bully. Like Clarisse from Percy Jackson. The black jackets creates the optical association with gang leaders, which unfortunately get associated with violence, which in turns makes it feel like she’d actually punch you.

The warnings, rather than be “she’s the prettiest poison you’ll ever see”, feel closer to “she will actually hit you”

It doesn’t help that it is followed by Apex Predator.

In the musical it’s a fun framing device for Cady who has the whole jungle-ish theme. It serves to recontextualize Regina into something Cady can understand (which the movie barely acknowledges by the way). There’s also this almost absurd comedic dissonance in calling this petite pink skirt white teen the “Apex Predator”. That’s the point “don’t be fooled by the pink, she’s mean, she’s the apex predator”

But again, you do not associate PINK with THIS Regina because she got introduced with the motherfucking black leather jacket. And even in her “pink” outfit (which is a long sleeved tie dye), she’s wearing boots and baggy pants.

So instead of “haha isn’t it funny that this pink girl is the apex predator”, it’s “this tall, leather jacket, combat boot and baggy pants wearing girl, is the apex predetor”

Which probably invokes feelings of a lion, which in turn makes you constantly be on the defense because you DO BELIEVE she’s gonna hurt you.

And while that is pretty cool, and probably someone you’d want to be, and someone you’re scared of - it’s probably not someone you wanna be friends with.

Or if you wanna be friend with her to be protected, you DONT wanna be her. Like you probably wanna date her, but not really be her. At least not the vast majority of people who originally loved Regina would.

Also, you’re introducing the fear factor AT THE BEGINNING when you’re supposed to be getting it at the very last part

This makes it so that every part of the movie you’re either being told to be scared of Regina or being told how amazing she is. Instead of, you know, being shown either of those things either through dialogue or material objects she has.

Part of the reason some of this songs exists, is to give Cady a chance of make sense of her own feelings in regard to Regina. Regina is the one being sung about, but Cady is the one having to parse through her emotions by analyzing her potential rival/friend.

Like, Apex Predator is largely sung by Cady. While it makes her more likable to be sung by Janice (since all the insults and mean comments towards women come from her mouth, someone who has legitimate reasons to hate Regina), the song is to show how easily tempted by power Cady can be. Janice warns her at the beginning that Regina isn’t sunshine and rainbows, but Cady likes how powerful being friends with Regina makes her feel, so she starts to become Plastic.

But that’s not what happens in the movie! It’s instead just a plain montage number 147 about how cool Regina is.

(Also hot take but I think they cast someone less talented to play Cady - so that she didn’t steal the spotlight from the ACTUAL stars,,,, Regina and fucking Janice Ian)

Regina is meant to symbolize the most toxic aspects of hyperfeminity.

Renee doesn’t feel like she’s playing Regina, it feels like she’s playing a bad girl version of herself. Like the movie is hyping up Renee as herslef, not the literal symbol of white female privilege, Regina.

Because, believe it or not, white woman tears is a big part of why Regina is so insidious. She knows that if she cries and says nothing is her fault, people outside her sphere will be inclined to believe her. Regina cries on several parts of the movie to signal people feeling sorry for her. A very desperate attempt to make everyone stop and give her attention. Either when Aaron broke up with her, or when the Burn Book is “found”.

She’s a literal Karen in the making. Someone you want to be right now as she’s young, but you’d despise grown up - and that’s what makes her fun to analyze! That’s what has made Mean Girls stick out

The way Tina Fey is such a terrible person, she unsuspectingly created the quintessential entitled white teen girl. You’re supposed to love her, but also hate her.

Renee is just cool. She’s just a girlboss. Just a bully. She’s a downgraded Heather Chandler. She would not cry to get sympathy, she would just get angry. Since she doesn’t act the way woman are expected to (she’s never flirty with boys, she’s rarely genuinely kind, we don��t see her hooking up left and right, she doesn’t wear brand designers) it doesn’t seem like it bothers her when she loses it all.

It also feels way more mean spirited when everyone turns on her.

People turned on Regina because she snapped. She started insulting people to their faces, instead of their backs. She started to say “those rules [of femininity] are made up”. She built an empire on being the “Beauty Standard” but when she HERSELF couldn’t keep up with it, that’s when she got kicked out.

She was the one criticizing everyone for not conforming to her standards, so the ultimate humiliation was being told “you are not conforming to what a Plastic (woman) is, therefore you cannot sit with us”.

But New Regina was never that. She’s always mean, she never wore the best outfits, and she alienated her friends from the get-go. So she never forced anyone to conform to her standards of beauty - so when she was kicked out for not conforming…it felt genuinely mean. You weren’t cheering for her downfall. It comes off as a bit pathetic even. Like you feel sorry for her.

It doesn’t help that they didn’t attempt to give her any of the materialistic obsession she had as Regina. She doesn’t wear anything that would make you jealous - she uses elf, no name brand purses, SHEIN clothing and a jeep. Sorry, but the girls at my third world, uniforms having, highschool had more things to make me jealous than her. Sure, alternatives love her, but she’s supposed to be hated by alternatives.

Compund everything, with the fact that this movie is extremely sanitized. Sure, the original was problematic. But that’s what gave it an air of realness. THATS how mean girls could get. That’s how insane highschool was. You’d get thrown slurs by your former friends, get called all sort of things, they would play the meanest pranks, they fat shame and slut shame.

Theres this uncomfortable ideas that your movies or series shouldn’t depict the ugly. They shouldn’t show SA, racism, sexism, etc. Because it’s the same as condoning it. Without realizing that just because it’s not allowed in TV doesnt mean it doesn’t exist in real life.

By having movies and series record honest teenage experience of how cruel it can get - you avoid the rewrite of history. You avoid people going “well, look, nowadays we don’t say all that awful stuff on movies therefore they don’t say it in classrooms” when that’s very much a lie. It still happens, it all still exists. Maybe in another shape or form, and that’s what it SHOULD have tried to update. Exactly /how/ mean girls of today excerpt their meanness. Queen Bees and Wannabes is still updating their editions, and if Tina fucking Fey weren’t such a bastard cutting the deal with Rosalind, we might have had that.

As it stands, the only thing this movie did was ruin Regina. From a very poignant commentary on how subtly female friendships can turn toxic, and the way (as Rosalind says) this innocent girl will without a doubt be the meanest of the group - to just this. Bully. A girl who you’re only sticking with cause you need her - not because you think she’s that great, or wanna be her, or even like. But because she can intimidate other people. All the complexities essentially gone.

And sure, this Regina could have been good. But they never commit to her. They still use the “don’t be fooled by the pink” comments, the references to “my Louis Vuitton heel”, “the prettiest poison you’ll ever see” etc.

Why not change that? You changed any reference to Regina being thin, might as well change other things! Explore why Gretchen sticks with her, why Karen lets her insult her in more antagonistic ways in the movie (in the original Karen didn’t notice cause the insults were SUBTLE but having someone so blatantly being antagonistic wouldn’t work)! Why THIS Regina feels the need to be so mean. Dont just act like this is the same Regina, when she’s NOT! At the very least CARE!

Im so fed up with people trying to act like it’s a sin to criticize Renee when, while her vocals were stellar, her rendition to Regina is soooo far away from the original and their inability to change the movie to fit her - BASICALLY RUINS THE CHARACTER. Quite literally, because Regina no longer makes sense. You don’t know this Regina, you can barely understand her, her psyche, her attitude. I could make essays on why OG REGINA is so fascinating as a villain - but all I can manage with this new version is just to point out how much of a mess it is!

#mean girls #mean girls the musical #musical #musicals #analysis #regina george

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dearweirdme · 1 year ago

Note

I recently got into this tiff with someone who I considered a mutual on twitter, where they were calling Suchwita (my lil bro 💜) in brackets as proof that they are brother (Taekook)

I kind of said this is company propaganda, why can you believe as a solo that company sabotaged Taehyung during layover but is extremely reliable in their lil brother narrative

Anyways i said why do we have to complete in this BTS who is closed to who. Also taking agency away from Taehyung as they kept harping that Taehyung is too nice to everyone. I don’t wanna be mean but Taehyung looks like a person that will cut a b*tch if they do any disservice to himself or his loved ones.

So yeah, question is and I know my answer if tae or koo come tomorrow and are with different people does it make a difference to you?

For me personally nope. I love their bond and people should respect it nonetheless whatever it may be.

Be sane!

Hi @wheniwrite28 !

Oooo, I think Tae can be very fierce! As cuddly and and soft and sweet as he is, Tae can be super sharp when a situation calls for it. His face so often gives away his dislike, and I think it’s not for nothing that all members were quick to call ‘Jimin and V’ at carpool karaoke. Tae is very capable of handling himself I believe. But also, Jk is so very much not a bad, toxic person. The man cries when others cry, he protects his members, he helps them whenever he can, he worries about them, he smiles softly when someone does something endearing, he makes sure people are comfortable. And with Tae.. he protects him from spicy food, he will cook stuff specifically for Tae, he is the one who sees Tae as ‘some sort of genius’, his focus is on Tae so much more often than on the other members, he always laughs about Tae’s jokes the hardest, he gets shy when Tae looks at him at times, he keeps Tae close when he needs it, they spend so much time together. Jk let’s us know he loves Tae, maybe not with as many words.. but definitely with his actions.

If at one time we do turn out to be wrong, I would still see them as the people I think they are now. I would just have been mistaken (but I don’t think I am).

#taekook

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devildomditzy · 2 years ago

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With an MC who thinks they’re not good enough for them

Made this as a personal vent/comfort piece for my self

If you start thinking bad thought about yourself, you just gotta think “the brothers would be so hurt if they caught me thinking this way”

Tags/Warnings: Self-Deprecating Thoughts

Lucifer

Takes it very personal

As pride incarnate, he values himself on making his guests feel comfortable

Even if it’s not him causing the thought, he’ll still see it upon himself to try and fix it

You don’t even have to say it, he just knows (okay, maybe you vented to Beel and Beel told Lucifer cause he was worried about you but that’s beside the point)

“MC, I was unaware I was doing you the disservice of not imploring your importance to us. Let me make that up to you.”

You don’t know how he knows, but you don’t question it.

He prepares tea for the both of you, ready to have a full conversation about self reflection.

Every negative comment you make about yourself he’s quick to counter

“You’ve truly become the gem of the Devildom, MC. I cannot be dissuaded from believing the same goes for the human realm. You’re very dear to me.”

Mammon

Oh hell no

He will not stand for it

He had asked you to attend one of his shoots earlier this week but you had never responded to his invitation, changing the subject every time he brought it up

At first he thinks you just don’t want to go, which hurts him. You catch onto this, and not wanting him to think that the real reason comes out

“It’s just… you’re a model. Not to mention you were a literal angel sculpted by the Gods, and you make an even hotter demon. You’re on the cover of every magazine in the Devildom. Wherever we go you get recognized and fawned over. Hell, you’ve even got a fan club here at school. You’re also one of the most powerful demons and leaders of this realm. Why the hell would you wanna be seen with some pathetic, average looking human like me.”

His heart breaks

He blames himself for not catching on quicker

“Oi! I’m not gonna let anyone talk about my human like that, even if you are that human!”

In the middle of his rant about how everything about you is perfect to him, from your gorgeous appearance to your terrible humor, to your radiant personality, he gets an idea.

Its like you can see a lightbulb flash over his head, he gets giddy like a child, taking out his phone and quickly dialing a number

As it rings it rings, he proudly says, “If ya got a problem with me bein’ a model, I guess we’ll have to make you one too!”

His agency is actually thrilled to have a chance to shoot Diavolo’s esteemed human exchange student. It’s like a once in a millennia chance.

And he’s holding your hand proudly through it. Now he can show you off to the whole Devildom.

You were nervous about it all week until you saw the photos printed on every magazine in town

You stood next to Mammon, both in your Rad uniforms posing in front of the school. You breath hitches in your throat when you see just how adoringly he is staring at you in each and every photo

He may be a professional, but no amount of training could have stopped his love for you from shining through his expressions

He rips these pictures out of his copy, hanging them both all over his and your rooms

“Now the whole Devildom knows we’re a match made in heaven! Well….shit…uh…ya know what I meant.”

Levi

All that stuff about you being a normie, you know he was just kidding right!?

You open up to him against your will, as you both engaged in another weird card game he bought off of Akuzon, and were bound by the rules to confess a burden or be stuck in the games limbo forever

How could anyone (let alone you) think that about his Henry? His player two?

“H-hey! You’re not giving yourself enough credit! You’re super cool, MC! Like, boss level status!!!”

By the shine and sincerity in his eyes, you know this boy is telling the truth

When you flash him a smile and let out a gorgeous laugh, let’s just say the boy melts

Scoop him off the floor and into your arms, he’ll appreciate it.

Asmo

You have to realize there is only one thing in this world that Asmo thinks can even come close to comparing to him and it’s you

If he is Adonis, then you are Aphrodite (and vice versa)

When he sees you staring in the mirror for a beat too long and learns it’s NOT because you’re admiring your own beauty

oh honey

you’ve got a big storm comin’

We’re talking a self care whirlwind here

He’s got face creams, he’s got body scrubs, he’s got lotions, he’s got makeup, he’s bringing out the big guns

And he’s doing all the work too. Asmo is making sure you feel pampered and radiant by the end of the night

If self care doesn’t work, then he’s got other ways of convincing you *ahem hem*

Satan

You’re preaching to the choir hun

He can’t help himself, he compares his every move with Lucifer’s, worrying he’s not as good as him; worrying he’ll never best him

He knows how much that feeling sucks though, and he never ever wants you to even have an inkling of those thoughts

It happens during a study session in the library, he notices just how out of it you are today

“And what exactly is the correct terminology for hypnotizing someone with cursed speech, MC?…….MC?”

When you finally snap out of your haze and meet his eyes, he knows something in wrong

He’ll softly but steadfast question you, even if you don’t tell him the complete truth, he knows exactly what’s wrong, he can see it in your eyes. The same look he sees when he looks in the mirror.

“I’m just not as smart as you, Satan. I’m just a human. Let’s face it, I’m never gonna pass these exams. Diavolo’s gonna send me home because I’m just not good enough. I’m not as great as you all make me out to be.”

At those words, panic sets into his eyes temporarily before they soften

“MC, you’re the most remarkable being I’ve ever met. Quite frankly, I never thought a human could survive down here- well, there’s Solomon, but I wouldn’t quantify him as human. You’re certainly more clever than you think. Honestly, you’re not as great as we all think. You’re even better than that.

After his little pep talk, he’ll take you back to his room for a little study break. He’ll make you tea, read to you, nap with you, whatever makes you feel better.

You enchant him <3

Beel

This has Beel utterly baffled because the poor boy cannot wrap his head around why you or anyone else would ever have a negative thought about you

He may not speak it all the time because he just assumes you know but you are his everything

If even an inkling of a negative thought comes out of your mouth, Beel will stare at you straight faced for a beat before completely enveloping you into his strong arms

He’s not the best with words (usually, he leaves the poetics for his twin) but he will really make an attempt to chase these doubtful emotions from your mind

“MC, I don’t know what made you feel this way but I promise it’s far from the truth. Now, how can I help you feel better?”

Belphie

omg bestie him too, small world!!!

I mean, how could he be enough for you? He tried to kill you!!!

Mutual and constant assurance common between the two of you

And ever since the events of that day, a giant question has been gnawing at the back of your mind. You can’t help but let it slip one day

“Belphie, are you sure you love ME? That i’m not just a replacement in your mind for Lilith? You hated me until you found out I was her descendant…I-I mean, how could you change your mind that fast?”

He’s stunned to say the least, but shakes his head and softly smiles at you before stating

“Yes, I did hold a grudge against humans, but not particularly you. I would have attacked any human who found their way in front of me back then. Lilith is my sister, of course I love and miss her. But you MC? You are the light of my life. I could only see red until I saw through your human nature and finally saw the beautiful soul that is you. I realized I was wrong that day, wrong for a very long time. Now, I don’t want to waste anymore time, I want to spend it all with you.”

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arrow-guy · 3 years ago

Text

Another Time (2/3)

Original request from @storiesbystarlight: I would like to request a Peggy Carter x Reader, with Reader being Steve’s sister. Peggy and Reader got married after the war, and by the time Steve comes back Y/N is already gone (died from cancer, if that’s okay). Steve goes to ask Tony about Y/N and Peggy, and that’s how he finds out they got married and that Peggy’s still alive. Cut to Peggy telling Steve about how she and Y/N had it after the war.

A/N: So this was definitely intended to be a two and done type story, but then I started spitballing in a discord server I’m in and now I’ve got the makings for a third chapter. However, this second chapter could definitely be read as the finale on account of the Closure. But, that being said, I really enjoy where this story has taken me and I hope you’ll enjoy this new chapter!

Page dividers by @carryonmyswansong

Pairing: Peggy CarterxReader

Word Count: 9.4k

Warning: Reader is a Lesbian, vaguely homophobic behavior, unrequited love, workplace harassment, verbal argument(s), major character death across the series (Reader character, Steve, Bucky), terminal illness, grief

-Please remember that this is a queer love story set in the 40′s and, as such, will not necessarily be as progressive as those set in modern times. If this is something that makes you uncomfortable, please proceed with caution of skip altogether.

Part 1

“She really worked nights for three weeks?”

“Well… yes and no.” Steve cocks one eyebrow and Peggy sighs. “Three weeks wound up being three months.”

Steve lets out a low whistle. “You must’ve seriously pissed her off.”

“Believe me, Steve, I don’t think there was ever a time she was more upset with me. And I never blamed her for it. I was too caught up in my own feelings to understand how insensitive I was being.”

"She knew how to avoid a problem. Especially when she felt like she was part of it." Steve frowned. "She came around though, right?"

"Sort of. Neither of us really knew how to broach the issue, so it went on far longer than it should've. But I was stubborn. I knew when she was working and didn't bother to speak with her."

“But you got through it?”

“Yes, we got through it.”

"So when are you goin' back to your regular schedule?"

"Dunno." (Y/N) slid her mug to the edge of the table and Angie dutifully filled it to the brim with coffee.

"Was the fight really that bad?"

"Yeah. It was. She was upset that I didn't disclose information that could literally put me in danger."

"Well there has to be a reason."

"I don't know Ange…"

Angie slid into the booth across from her and grabbed her hand. "Peggy doesn't do anything without a reason, right? And it's not like she doesn't know how to keep a secret."

"That's not the point."

"No, I got the point. You're scared and she's poking at things that she doesn't really get."

"I just don't know if she'll ever understand."

"I think she understands more than you give her credit for."

"Did she ever come talk to you?"

"Oh yeah." She widened her eyes and nodded her head dramatically. (Y/N) chuckled. "And boy did we talk."

“I hate the way you said that.”

"Well, she had a bunch of questions. We got pretty in depth."

"Again, that doesn't bode well." She frowned. "What do you mean, 'in depth'?"

"She asked me about how I knew I-" Angie glanced around- "Y'know."

"Uh-huh."

"And then she was curious about all the ins and outs of you-know-what."

"Which you excel in describing."

"Exactly! So it's not like I could leave anything out, it'd be a disservice to our dear Peggy."

"Yeah, sure."

Angie smirked. "You just wanna know if she asked about you."

"I do not!" (Y/N) busied herself stirring nothing into her coffee. "I mean… I might be a little curious-"

"I knew it!"

"Angie, please-"

"Oh, come on, (Y/N), of course she asked about you. It's the first time I knew something about you that she didn't."

"... Right."

"She asked about your past flames, but we met after they'd all come and gone, so I couldn't tell her much."

"Okay-"

"I did tell her you're excellent in bed."

"You didn't."

"Oh I absolutely did." (Y/N) hid her face in her elbow and Angie just squeezed her hand. "Look, I'm pretty sure she likes you. I wouldn't've said anything like that if I wasn't."

"Really?" She peeked over her arm at Angie. "How can you be sure?"

"I have a really good feeling about it."

"This isn't something you can just have a premonition about and be right!"

Angie shrugged. "I don't see why not. I had the same feeling about David, and look where that got me."

"Yeah, with a ring on your finger and a promise of never working again in your life." Finally, (Y/N) stopped sulking and sat up. "How is he, by the way?"

"Oh, y'know. Busy busy busy. But still just as attentive as ever, if you can believe it."

(Y/N) smiled. "Of course I can believe it. You're a catch, Ange."

The diner door opened, followed by a small “Oh.” (Y/N) glanced up, only to find Peggy standing just inside the diner, staring directly at her and Angie. The obvious betrayal on her face confused (Y/N).

“Peggy?”

The sound of (Y/N)’s voice startled Peggy into action and she quickly turned on her heel and darted back out onto the poorly lit sidewalk. (Y/N) wasted no time in shoving herself up from the booth and going after her. It was nearly 10 at night and no matter how highly trained Peggy was, (Y/N) didn’t have a good feeling about her being out there by herself.

By the time she got outside, Peggy was already halfway up the block. (Y/N) raced after her, calling out for her to stop, which only made Peggy walk faster.

“Peggy, stop.”

She’d nearly caught up when Peggy turned down a random alley. (Y/N) just barely managed to grab her arm before she could get too far past the dumpster.

“Let go.”

“No can do, Director.” She pointed to the glow at the end of the alley. “Down there? That’s Curtis. You don’t want to meet Curtis.”

“What’s he done?”

(Y/N) shook her head. “Not sure yet. I just know there’s something off about him.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, for one, only men are allowed to wait on him when he shows up at the diner.”

“I see.” (Y/N) let go of Peggy’s arm and led the way back to the sidewalk. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your date.”

“Is that what this is about?” Peggy simply folded her arms. “Jesus, Peg. Angie’s at work, not to mention engaged. And I never had any interest in her to begin with.”

“You… really?”

“Yeah. I mean, Angie’s great and all, but… no. Not her.”

“Who, then?”

“If you have to ask, then I’m just gonna assume that everything I tell you goes in one ear and out the other.”

“So nothing’s changed?”

“It’s only been a few months.” Peggy scowled and (Y/N) almost laughed. “You really think one argument is going to erase almost a decade of feelings? Do you honestly think I’m that shallow?”

"No! Of course I don't. But I remember how upset you were last time we spoke."

She sighed. "I know you know how frustrating it can be when you're cornered. Those SSR pricks backed you into your fair share of them. And you cornered me. On more than one occasion, might I add."

"Oh."

"I don't like being laid bare like that. I don't like feeling exposed." (Y/N) shoved her hands into her pockets. “We should probably talk.”

“I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Then let me ask the questions. All you have to do is answer as best you can.”

“All right.” Peggy frowned. “Did you want to talk here?”

“Ah, no. That’s probably not a good idea. Is it okay with you if we go back to the office?” Peggy raised her eyebrows. “I still have some work I need to get done…”

“Then we’ll go to the office.”

(Y/N) shivered. “First we need to go back to the diner. I forgot my coat when I rushed out after you.”

She offered her arm and Peggy placed her hand in the crook of her elbow. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Didn’t I, though?”

Peggy was quiet for a moment and (Y/N) led them back to the diner. Her grip on (Y/N)’s arm tightened as they got closer.

“I suppose you did,” she said.

(Y/N) simply hummed and opened the door for Peggy to go in first. Angie greeted them when the bell tinkled. (Y/N) gathered her things from the booth and stepped up to the counter to give Angie money for the coffee.

“You know the coffee is free,” Angie admonished.

(Y/N) shook her head and curled Angie’s fingers around the cash. “Your time isn’t.”

Angie sighed. “She doesn’t know how lucky she is.”

“Aw, Ange-”

“I’m serious! I’ve got half a mind to just try to make you my mistress. I mean, David already thinks you’re great. I’m sure we could work something out.”

“You know it’d never last.”

“Aw, why?”

Very seriously, (Y/N) said, “I don’t share.”

In an unexpected turn of events, Angie blushed. (Y/N) winked and Angie laughed and waved her off. Peggy didn’t seem particularly pleased when (Y/N) met her back by the door. She raised her eyebrows and Peggy sighed.

“I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t flirt in front of me.”

“It was banter, Peggy.” Suddenly confident in the face of Peggy’s obvious jealousy, she leaned in close enough that Peggy would be the only one to hear her say, “But I could always flirt with you, if you’d like.”

At that, Peggy grabbed (Y/N)’s hand and dragged her out the door. Nervous laughter threatened to bubble up from her chest, and (Y/N) didn’t know what to expect from that point forward. She wasn’t even sure why she’d said anything to begin with, let alone something suggestive. Maybe it had something to do with Peggy’s reactions. She was normally so calm and in control of herself and her surroundings. But, somehow, (Y/N) had knocked her off kilter, and she didn’t know what to do with that kind of power. She suspected that she was already pushing her limits with that little she’d done.

"What's going through that head of yours?"

"I'm just trying to figure out what's going through your head." Peggy's grip on her hand tightened and she frowned. "Honestly, I barely know what's going on."

"Well, you wanted to talk. So we'll talk."

"We already established that. I guess I just didn't expect you to drag me through the streets of New York beforehand."

Peggy slowed her pace, but her death grip on (Y/N)'s hand didn't let up.

They let themselves into the S.H.I.E.L.D. offices when they arrived and Peggy silently led (Y/N) to her office. She closed the door as soon as (Y/N) was through. (Y/N) opened her mouth to ask a question, but all that came out was a surprised squeak when she found herself pinned to the door by Peggy, who was surprisingly strong in spite of her petite build. She grabbed the collar of (Y/N)'s coat, hauled herself forward, and crushed her lips to (Y/N)'s, as if she'd lose the nerve if she didn't kiss her at that exact moment. (Y/N) made a choked noise akin to a sob at the back of her throat before she could recover from her shock. Peggy softened against her and her hands fell to Peggy's hips. Tentatively, she allowed herself to kiss back before she abruptly pulled away.

She pushed Peggy back and said, "We need to talk."

"(Y/N)-"

"I am dead serious. I can't do-" she gestured wildly- "this if you're not all in. I'm too fucking old to be someone's experiment."

"You're not an experiment."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"(Y/N)," Peggy warned.

"No, it's been three goddamn months. I've more than earned a little foul language. Now, explain."

Peggy's mouth opened and closed soundlessly while she tried to find her words. (Y/N) waited patiently and tried to look as casual as possible while she leaned against the closed door behind her. She didn't know if it was obvious, but it felt as if her heart were beating hard enough to burst from her chest.

"Months ago, before you even left for your assignment with the FBI's team, you asked who the woman was that made me question myself." (Y/N) nodded. "She's you."

(Y/N) pointed at herself and Peggy nodded. "What?"

"It's not as if I intended to make this discovery, but after your birthday I took a step back and looked at myself and the people I've found myself seeking out and finding comfort in over the years and you cropped up the most. And it's not that I'd never encountered lesbians before, but I'd never thought of the possibility of being attracted to men and women. And then you explained how you found yourself admiring women and I realized that my interest wasn't normal."

"Normal?"

"Well… I suppose I thought all women noticed each other. Snuck glances in the locker room and wanted to erm…" Peggy trailed off and shook her head. "That doesn't matter. By the time you'd left on your assignment I'd realized that I had feelings for you, but then we fought after you got back and I was sure I ruined everything and then tonight-and I just-"

(Y/N) placed her hands on Peggy's shoulders, instantly silencing her. "Slow down. You don't have to say everything all at once."

"It feels like I do."

"I know."

"I need to apologize for that night."

(Y/N) nodded. "Yeah, you do."

"I made something that was entirely about your feelings about myself. It was wrong of me and I regretted it as soon as it happened. I'm sorry."

"Thank you." She trailed her hands from Peggy's shoulders, down to her arms, and gently took her hands. "You really have feelings for me?" Peggy nodded. "I-I need to hear you say it."

"I care for you, (Y/N) Rogers." Peggy delicately tucked (Y/N)'s hair behind her ears. "Same as you do for me."

(Y/N) let out a shaking sigh and pressed her forehead to Peggy's.

"Be with me," she murmured.

"Of course I will."

Peggy bumped her nose against (Y/N)'s before she kissed her. (Y/N) didn't hesitate in kissing her back this time and tipped her head to the side, readily opening her mouth under Peggy's and letting her take control.

This kiss was nothing like their first. Instead of force and teeth and searing urgency, it was soft and slow and sweet. It was with great regret that (Y/N) broke it. There was still more that needed to be said.

"I can't be a replacement for Steve," she said. "I'm not him. I can't be him."

"You're not." Peggy gently kissed along her jaw. "You're not-" down (Y/N)'s neck- "you never have been, darling-" before capturing her lips once more. "And I never want you to be."

(Y/N) sighed shakily and gripped Peggy's waist. "I've loved you for so long I-I… I don't think I could take it if you did."

"You say that you love me so easily," Peggy murmured.

"Not really. I'm just allowed to say it now. I'll keep myself in check until you're ready for that sort of thing. Provided you even want it."

"Don't. I quite like hearing it, actually."

"O-oh. Really? It's not too much for you?"

"You keep so much close to your chest. That sort of affection will never be too much for me.”

“Oh.”

“I do have one question, though.”

(Y/N) nodded. “Anything.”

“In my conversation with Angie, she mentioned something about you being, quote, ‘excellent in bed.’” (Y/N) groaned and dropped her head to Peggy’s shoulder. Peggy traced her nails up and down her neck and she shivered. “Care to explain.”

(Y/N) couldn’t help smiling just a little. “Are you jealous?”

“I might be, depending on your answer.”

“Hm, maybe I shouldn’t tell you then.” Peggy dug her nails in and (Y/N) laughed. “No, I’ve never slept with Angie. I already told you I’m not interested in her.”

“So she was lying?”

“Mn, I wouldn’t say that.”

“Then how would she know?”

“Well…”

“(Y/N).”

“She’s the only person I’ve talked to about past encounters-”

“Conquests,” Peggy corrected.

“Whatever you wanna call ‘em, I’ve talked with her about them and she knows I’ve never had any complaints.”

“Oh? That good are you?”

“Curious, are we?” (Y/N) tilted her head to the side so that her lips moved against Peggy’s neck as she spoke.

“Well, it’s not as if I was given any details.” Peggy tipped her head to the side and (Y/N) took it as an invitation to kiss her neck.

“Are you sure you’re ready for that?” (Y/N) pulled away and found Peggy flushed from neck to scalp. “It doesn’t matter how long we’ve known each other. It’s a huge leap from necking in the office to sex.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“This is already moving really fast, Peg. And this isn’t me saying that I don’t want to sleep with you, because I really fucking do. But not now, and not here.”

“You’re sure?”

“You already know how I feel about you. This-” she thumbed gentle circles into Peggy’s sides- “is enough.”

“Alright.”

“But it’s not enough for you.” Peggy chewed the inside of her lip in lieu of an answer. “Talk to me.”

“I...” she sighed. “I do want a physical relationship with you.”

“I want that too. And we can absolutely have that. I just…” (Y/N) frowned. “I want to be able to take my time and make you feel good instead of frantically trying to get you off in a dark office.”

Peggy chuckled. "I see your point. But I am ready to move towards that with you, if you are."

“How about this.” (Y/N) wrapped her arms around Peggy and leaned against the door. “Take the rest of the week off, and we’ll spend the weekend upstate.”

Peggy smoothed her hands over (Y/N)’s blouse. “You know I can’t, I’m-”

“The director, yeah. But you’d only be taking Thursday and Friday off, and you haven’t had any time away from work since long before you helped found S.H.I.E.L.D.”

“That’s not entirely true.”

“Really? So your last vacation didn’t turn into a dangerous investigation?”

“Nothing I say will make you forget California, will it?”

“Hell no.”

“Fine.”

“So you’ll come with me?”

"Where would we stay?"

"We'll borrow one of Stark's vacation homes."

"You're sure he has one upstate?"

"Yeah, I heard him talking about a cabin on a lake a while back. In fact-" she disentangled herself from Peggy and crossed the room to her desk. "I'll ask him right now."

She picked up the phone and held the receiver to her ear.

"S.H.I.E.L.D. offices, how may I direct your call?"

"Dana, it's Rogers. I need Stark on the line, now."

"I'm sorry, Agent Rogers, Mr. Stark was very serious about not being disturbed right now."

"It's an emergency."

"Agent Rogers, I can't do that."

"If you put me through, I'll get you off the night shift."

Dana paused at that. "Permanently?"

"I can't promise permanent right now, but you'll get the next month in the daylight and I'll talk to Director Carter in the meantime."

"Are you sure you have that kind of pull?"

"Do we have a deal or not, Richards?"

"Fine."

The line rang through and (Y/N) glanced back to find Peggy looking highly amused. She took a seat on the desk and asked, "What?"

"You know the receptionists names?"

"Oh I absolutely know the receptionists names." She held out her hand and pulled Peggy close as soon as she took it. "Don't be jealous."

Peggy scowled. "I'm not."

"Mm, yeah, sure looks like it." She tilted her head up and kissed her. "You know, Angie joked about making me her mistress."

"You're not doing much to help my jealousy, darling."

"Yeah, well I told her I don't share."

"Ah, greedy, are we?"

"A little. But when I'm committed to someone, that also means I don't share myself with anyone else. And I'm committed to you. Big time."

Peggy bit back her smile. "Oh really?"

"Mhm." (Y/N) was considering kissing Peggy again when someone picked up the phone. She whispered, "I need you to play along."

"What?"

(Y/N) held up one finger and held the phone away from both of them and began to breathe heavily. Distantly, they could hear Howard complaining about having to answer the phone. (Y/N) spoke over him saying, "Did we lose him?"

Peggy raised her eyebrows. “What?”

“Did we lose him, Peg?” she calls. “Can you see him?”

“No, I”m afraid I can’t.”

“Fuck.” She began to pant as she moved the receiver closer to herself. “Howard, are you there?”

“What the fuck is going on there?”

“You still have that place upstate, right?”

“You gotta tell me what the hell is happening first, (Y/N).”

“Peggy ‘n I have been working on a case on the side and we just got made. We need a place to lay low for a few days.”

“What the- you two haven’t talked in months!”

“That’s what we needed you to think.” She looked pointedly at Peggy, silently asking her to add something to the lie.

“(Y/N), we have to go. Do we have the house or not?”

“I don’t know, he hasn’t said.”

“Is that Peggy?” (Y/N) confirmed it was “Put her on”

“We don’t have time, Howard. We need the address and a way to get in. Can we use the house or not?”

“Fine, yeah, fine! You can use the house.” Howard rattled off the address and told them where they could find the key

(Y/N) looked up at Peggy, grinned, and wiggled her eyebrows. “Thanks, you’re our hero right now.”

“(Y/N), we have to go, now!” Peggy cried.

“Shit, sorry, we gotta g-” (Y/N) hung up and tipped her head back and laughed. “And that’s how you trick the great Howard Stark.”

“Won’t he find out?”

“Not if we leave right now.”

(Y/N) grabbed Peggy’s hand and together they hurried out of the building.

Peggy spent the night at (Y/N)’s apartment and they stopped by Peggy’s place early the next morning to pack her things before they caught a taxi to their destination.

The cabin (Y/N) pictured was far from what they drove up to. It was more the size of a family home than an actual cabin. She muttered something about there being “such a thing as too much money.” Peggy simply laughed, took her hand, and led her into the house.

It was warm and inviting inside and far more furnished than (Y/N) had expected. Any time she’d been in a Stark residence previously, it had been far more minimalistic and, well… stark, for lack of a better word. But even just standing in the entryway, she couldn’t think of a better place to spend her first weekend alone with Peggy.

The house was so beautiful that it was almost a shame that the rooms that saw the most use were the kitchen and the bedroom they’d chosen to sleep in. But they spent the majority of their time wrapped up in each other in one way or another. And, honestly, who could blame them? After years of longing on (Y/N)’s part and months of misunderstandings, they simply wanted to take time away from everyone and everything to relearn each other. By the time they were on their way home, (Y/N) felt they’d done just that. And though, as promised, Peggy had no complaints, she couldn’t help thinking back to (Y/N)’s birthday when she’d said that Peggy didn’t know her as well as she knew Peggy. Sure, Peggy knew important surface level things that anyone close with (Y/N) would know, but she didn’t know the little things that (Y/N) seemed to know about her. She didn’t know her favorite color, which season she liked best, or how she took her tea. Hell, she didn’t know if (Y/N) even liked tea. Maybe she preferred coffee! Worst of all, she didn’t know how or why she started working with the SSR.

So, in an attempt to fill the gaps in her knowledge, Peggy began asking (Y/N) questions whenever she got the chance.

They started out simple. Innocent questions about her favorite sweets and whether she preferred cake or pie. But then she started asking bigger questions. And (Y/N) had already been suspicious of the smaller questions, but when Peggy graduated to asking about foods she’d made with her mother and who she went to prom with, sirens really started going off and she flashed back to months previous when Peggy had asked about liking women. But, she didn’t want to spook her, so she let her ask questions for two weeks before she said anything.

When she was ready, she waited for a night when they were both working late. After everyone had left for the night, (Y/N) let herself into Peggy’s office, locked the door, closed the blinds, and leaned against the door with her arms crossed.

“Okay,” she said. “What’s going on with you?”

“I’m sorry?”

“You keep asking all these questions, and as cute as they are, it’s really starting to worry me.”

Peggy’s eyes went wide. “It is?”

“Baby, the last time you started asking a bunch of questions we fought and then I didn’t see you for three months. Of course I’m worried.”

Peggy pressed one hand to her forehead and leaned back in her chair. "I'm so sorry, darling. I hadn't even thought of that."

(Y/N) swiftly crossed the room and coaxed Peggy to her feet, gently rubbing her thumbs across the backs of her hands. She then traced her fingertips over her cheekbones before tucking Peggy's hair behind her ears, cupping her jaw, and kissing her. Peggy's shoulders relaxed, (Y/N) pulled away, led her to the couch, and sat her down on the middle cushion. (Y/N) sat next to her, body turned towards Peggy so she could hold her hand.

"Talk to me, Peg," she said. "What's going through your head?"

"After our weekend together, I realized that you were right. I don't know you as well as you know me. And of course I panicked and did the first thing I could think of. But all of this is so new to me and I didn’t want to mess things up.” She paused, took a deep breath, and sighed, “I suppose I did in the end though, didn’t it?”

(Y/N) frowned. “Of course not. Why would you say that?”

“I wanted to know more about you, but all I did was worry you.”

“Well you at least got some of the information you wanted, right?” Peggy nodded. “Then it wasn’t a total bust.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” She kissed Peggy’s knuckles. “I think we need to work on communication moving forward, though.”

Peggy chuckled. “I agree.”

“But in the future, you can ask me about anything you want. Just give me a warning first.”

"I can do that." Peggy pressed her lips together. "There's actually something I'd like to ask you about now, if I could."

"What is it?"

"Well, it's just that I don't know how you came to work for the SSR. You know my path to the agency, but I don't know yours."

"Oh." (Y/N) chuckled. "Okay, well that's an interesting story, actually."

Peggy smiled and scooted closer. "Really?"

"Oh yeah. See, I was working at the same diner that Angie works at now right out of high school-"

"Did you two know each other then?"

"No, but we met because of the diner. But when I was working there, I had this regular who was a P.I. Nice enough guy, didn't cause a fuss if his coffee got cold. Just showed up, ordered, ate, and left. Tipped well, too, if I'm remembering correctly. And maybe six months after he started showing up, he started bringing files with him. Eventually I got curious and asked him what they were for, but instead of just telling me, he opened the file he had that day and handed me a picture."

"Why?"

"He wanted my take on what was happening in the picture. It was of a woman walking down the street with a young boy. She had a duffel bag in hand and was glancing over her shoulder and her jacket was billowing out as she walked. My guess was that she was trying to get away from someone or something and that kid was probably her son. But I didn't give the guy an answer and just handed the picture back and said, y'know, "Look, guy, I don't want any trouble. I shouldn't've asked." But he asked my opinion again. So I gave it to him."

"And?"

"I was right. Turns out her husband had hired the P.I. to follow her and drag her back if necessary. But this guy wasn't that kind of private investigator. When he found out that the husband had laid hands on her, he immediately turned him in and helped her find a place to stay while she got back on her feet."

"What happened after?"

"He had me look at a few other things, tested my deduction skills, and he eventually asked me to come work for him. I quit working at the diner immediately after.”

“Just like that?”

“Mhm.”

“You didn’t even know this man.”

“I knew him well enough. At the time, he was in his late forties and headed towards thirty years married. If anyone would bother me, it wouldn’t be him.”

“You trusted him that easily?”

(Y/N) shrugged. “Alan’s a good guy. And could you really blame me for taking his offer? Between the increase in pay and knowing I’d be doing far more interesting work. I would’ve been an idiot to just walk away.”

“And you liked working with him?”

“Oh absolutely! It was a constant learning opportunity. Kind of like I was being trained specifically for a position with the SSR. And, as it turns out, Alan was actually working with the SSR on the side.” Peggy raised her eyebrows and (Y/N) simply nodded. “He’d get a call and we’d look into whatever it was they couldn’t without turning the wrong heads. He slowly had me take over the SSR calls until it was my job alone.”

“And that’s how you became an agent, then.”

“Eh, not quite. Around the time you were sent to steal Erskine, the SSR was trying to recruit Alan. Something about needing every hand they could get to end the war. He hated the idea of being bossed around, so he recommended me as another option. They refused to meet with me for weeks, so I stopped filling their requests, which pissed them off, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“They begrudgingly set an interview and wound up hiring me when they realized they could get the same information I’d been gathering without paying Alan’s rates.”

“Ah, so they were being cheap.” Both women laughed. “Wait. How long did you work for Alan?”

“Uh… I wanna say about three or four years.”

“And Steve never knew about it?”

(Y/N) shook her head. “I didn’t tell him or Bucky about it. They already worried about me enough in addition to Steve’s health. They didn’t need anything else added on top.” Peggy frowned and (Y/N) bumped their shoulders together. “But I met you because of that job.”

“That is true… The three of you were so close, though. I hate to think you had to keep your job a secret.”

“With those two, there was a huge difference between keeping something a secret and withholding information until the right time. And that difference was Steve hiding his asthma attacks from us versus me hiding a bad grade.”

“Why would he lie?”

“Steve was sick most of his life. A major side effect of that was him feeling like a waste of money. He hated how expensive medications were, and for a while Bucky was the only one who was able to to work full time. We struggled to make ends meet sometimes and he was far too aware of that. I almost strangled him when I found out.” She leaned back against the couch. “Sorry, that was a lot.”

“No, I understand. You and I come from very different backgrounds.” Peggy squeezed (Y/N)’s hand. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Of course.” (Y/N) sighed. “Sometimes I really miss that skinny little money sink. He’d still be sick, of course, but he’d at least be here.” She shook her head and shoved herself up from the couch. “Let’s get some dinner, yeah?”

Peggy nodded and allowed herself to be pulled to her feet. She kissed (Y/N) and cupped her jaw with one gentle hand.

“I miss him too,” she murmured.

(Y/N) nodded and smiled sadly. “I know, Peg. You’re the only one who understands.”

“Wow.” Steve blinks slowly. “I can’t believe she didn’t tell me about the PI job.”

“Of course you can.”

“Well yeah, I just mean… It sounds like something she would’ve been excited to talk about. I feel bad that my health stood in the way of that.”

“That’s not how she felt, Steve. And she wouldn’t want you to believe she did.”

Steve nods. “She was good, right?”

Peggy smiled. “Oh, without a doubt. She worked more cases solo than I can count and oversaw the intelligence collection division for nearly a decade.”

“That must be why everyone remembers her.”

“Well… not entirely. There was a time when Howard was toying with reviving Project Rebirth. (Y/N) was his first choice for early trials due to her relation to you.”

Steve looks horrified. “She wouldn’t go through with that.”

"I had hoped she wouldn't, but she was determined to. Something about continuing what you started."

"That's never what I wanted." Steve shakes his head. "All I wanted was to keep her and anyone else we could save along the way safe."

"I know. And she had so much of that same fire in her, Steve. You set a wonderful example for her. For all of us, really. Much of what we did wouldn’t have been possible, had you not taken up the shield.”

Steve sighs. “What happened?”

(Y/N) and Peggy had nine months of peace between incidents. They spent any free time that they had together. Finding any was a miracle in and of itself given they might very well have been eternally tethered to their desks. Peggy slowly grew more comfortable in her new relationship, though she slowly learned that she needed to be more cautious than she’d ever been before. Being in a queer relationship was far too similar to an undercover mission for her liking, but she found herself so taken with (Y/N) that she decided that it was worth the risk. (Y/N) had decided years before that she was content with simply yearning from afar, so actually being in a relationship with Peggy was already far enough away from loving her in secret that she was over the moon.

But there’s always something that has to come along and disturb the peace, and more often than not, for (Y/N) and Peggy, that something came in the form of Howard Stark.

Howard was good at showing up at the most inopportune times, mostly when (Y/N) and Peggy had just found a space to be alone at the office. Peggy talked her lover down from strangling the man enough times that it’d gone far past humorous and edged right into grating. When he burst in on them on the couch in her office, she was about ready to end his life herself. (Y/N) had very gently talked her out of it.

But this time was different.

This time he approached with an air of apprehension and both women were almost worried to ask what was on his mind. Luckily, Howard Stark was the kind of man to freely offer that information.

When he saw their raised eyebrows he said, “I kept a vial of Steve’s blood.”

Peggy was furious, to say the least. “You said I had the last one.”

“Wait.” (Y/N) frowned. “You had my brother’s blood and neither of you bothered to tell me?”

"It was years ago," Howard said. "Can we circle back around to this later?"

His flippancy only served to piss her off. "We'll circle back around to fuckall later, you tell me what the hell you, or anyone else for that matter, have or have had my brother's blood for."

Peggy and Howard fumbled through their explanation. She knew that most of the time she spent grieving over Steve was spent in a haze, but she never realized what her colleagues had been going through without her. As much as she wanted to be upset, she found her anger melting away the longer they spoke.

"I should have just told you," Peggy said. "You should've been there with me."

(Y/N) shook her head. "You needed that time to say goodbye to him." She turned her wrath on Howard. "Why do you still have his blood?"

"I found it by chance after we moved into this building. My guess is that it was left over from some tech we hired who’d been hoarding it since they were given their sample. I’ve been holding into it ever since.”

“That was years ago.”

“I know.”

“And you didn’t think to tell anyone?”

“Look, can you reprimand me later? I think I’ve figured out how to recreate Project Rebirth.”

“You what?”

“You heard me.” Howard looked between both women to confirm he had their attention. “The serum is still very much present in the sample I found. If I can isolate it, I should be able to move forward with Erskine’s research.”

Peggy scowled. “Why?”

“Wh-because we had one of the greatest scientific miracles fighting on our side, and even without a war, we still need someone like that fighting for our ideals.”

“That sounds dangerous,” (Y/N) said. “Do you understand how far outside of Steve’s beliefs you’re stepping with this?”

“He’d understand.”

“No he fucking wouldn’t.”

“Fine, but we can’t just not take this opportunity. You know Russia’s probably working towards a viable Super Soldier serum as we speak. Can we really just sit back and wait for them to beat us at our own game?”

“And just who would you propose to test this serum on?” Peggy inquired.

“Well, considering we’re taking the serum directly from Steve’s blood, my first choice would be (Y/N).”

“Me?!”

“Yes, you.”

“Christ, Howard, what’re you thinking?”

“That you’re just as noble and dedicated as your brother. I’m sure the serum would affect you similarly to the way it did Steve.”

“Is it even safe?”

“Hypothetically, yes.”

“Meaning you haven’t extracted enough serum to know yet.”

“Kind of.”

“Very reassuring.”

“But you’ll do it, right?”

“I don’t know-”

Peggy cut in, saying, “No.”

“Peggy-”

“I’m not letting you do this,” Peggy said. “That’s final.”

“That’s not fair. And not even because I want to do this. I’m not all that jazzed about getting stuck with more needles than I have fingers and toes, but because that wasn’t the Director talking. That was Peggy.”

“To hell with being the Director, it’s not safe. You’re not doing it.”

“It wasn’t safe when Steve was the one on the table.”

“We don’t have Erskine.”

“We have Howard.”

Peggy lowered her voice. “I don’t want you to do this.”

“I know.”

“What if it doesn’t work?” Her brows knitted in worry and (Y/N)’s fingers itched with the need to take her hand. “I can’t lose you too, (Y/N). Especially not like this.”

“You won’t,” (Y/N) whispers.

Howard cleared his throat and watched in mild amusement as the two women jumped apart. “As sweet as your bickering is,” he said, “It’s not exactly a matter of whether or not the serum will work, but to what extent.”

Peggy frowned. “Explain.”

“Well, we’re taking the serum directly from her brother’s blood. It’s already diluted in that form, so I can’t tell you just how much change we’d see. I only suggested it because the two of them are related. Their DNA is similar enough that I believe the risk would be significantly reduced.”

Peggy nodded and (Y/N) grabbed her hand and said, “We’ll do it then.”

“(Y/N)-”

She turned pleading eyes on Peggy. “Come on, Peg. You know how much good my brother did. What if this’ll let us pick up where he left off?”

“I don’t know…” Peggy did her best, but couldn’t hold out against (Y/N)’s silent begging and acquiesced. “Fine. You’ll go through with the procedure.”

(Y/N) simply smiled and squeezed Peggy’s hand. Neither of them noticed Howard watching them or the little smile that played at his lips.

“So, when did this happen?” he asked, gesturing between them.

(Y/N)’s smile fell and she dropped Peggy’s hand like a hot iron. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh please, I watched Peggy mope around for months after you started working nights and then you suddenly came back and you’re both happier than ever. Either you did something about those longing glances, or you went on some kind of friend's retreat.” He raised one eyebrow. “That is, if you actually did something about it.”

“We might’ve,” (Y/N) squeaked.

“That’s great!” Howard placed a hand on either of his friend’s shoulders. “Your secret’s safe with me, ladies. I promise.”

Neither of them relaxed, but (Y/N) later mentioned to Peggy that she appreciated the sentiment, especially coming from Howard. He hadn’t even made it a week before he told them he knew they’d lied to him about why they needed his place upstate. So, as much as (Y/N) appreciated the sentiment, she didn’t trust him to keep his mouth shut. Even so, they took it a day at a time and were thankful that he did, in fact, manage to hold in the jokes when they were in mixed company.

Howard came to them three months later with news about his serum. He was ready to go through with the procedure, provided (Y/N) was. They scheduled it for the following Friday to allow time to allocate the necessary resources and avoid another blackout.

When the day of the procedure arrived, (Y/N) was far more calm than she expected to be. Peggy, however, was on the brink of a panic attack. She fussed over her love for the entire morning and refused to go to the observation room, determined to be on the floor if something were to go wrong. Again.

(Y/N) sat on a stool beside the Vita-Ray chamber and watched Peggy pace back and forth while the nurses fussed over her and prepared for the procedure.

“Peg, it’ll be fine.” Peggy didn’t seem to hear her, so she reached out and stopped her. Peggy blinked, slowly registering what was happening. “Hey. Do you want to talk somewhere private?”

“The procedure-”

“Howard.” (Y/N) flagged him down and gestured to the hallway. “We’re gonna be right back, okay?”

He waved her off and (Y/N) led Peggy down the hall to an unused room. With the door firmly closed, she wrapped Peggy up in her arms and leaned against the wall.

“It’s gonna be fine, baby.”

“If you’re wrong, I will kill you.�� Peggy buried her face in (Y/N)’s shoulder. “You’re not allowed to leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Guaranteed.” She took Peggy’s face in her hands and kissed her. “I love you. Okay?” Peggy nodded. “Okay.”

Before (Y/N) could pull away, Peggy kissed her. And (Y/N) melted a little, because Peggy very seldom let herself be vulnerable with anyone, let alone in public. So she skimmed her hands up and down Peggy's sides and kissed her for as long as she needed. And when Peggy was ready, they returned to the procedure room. (Y/N) was immunized just as Steve had been, and lay back in the Vita-Ray chamber. She gave Peggy a thumbs up as the chamber doors closed.

The infusion was the most painful thing (Y/N) could remember, and the pain was all she could focus on in the moment. The infusion didn’t take long, but it was loud and bright and white hot and felt like it was everywhere, inside and out of (Y/N)’s body. She bit her tongue bloody to tamp down the scream at the back of her throat as one last surge of searing pain ripped through her. She could faintly hear Peggy shout before everything just… stopped. The sound and the light and the ceaseless, stabbing pain was gone and (Y/N) felt immensely heavy.

As the chamber opened, (Y/N) barely registered the hands helping her into an examination room. She was placed on a table and she clung to the edge so tightly that she heard the metal groan within her grip. Then Peggy appeared directly in front of her and gently uncurled her fingers from the table.

“Please tell me I’m not as big as Steve was,” (Y/N) murmured. Her voice came out strangled and scratchy.

Peggy choked out a laugh and wiped tears from under her eyes before she shook her head. “No, darling, you’re not. Not even close.”

(Y/N) sighed and nodded. “Can I lie down? I feel…” her stomach lurched- “I feel nauseous.”

“Of course. Nurse Cain just needs to take your vitals, and then you can rest. Is that alright?”

She nodded and the nurse’s cold hands worked over her with incredible speed. As soon as she was finished, Peggy reappeared with a pillow, blanket, and chair. She helped (Y/N) lie back and got her comfortable before taking a seat beside her. She held (Y/N)’s hand while she rested.

(Y/N) was held overnight for observation and Peggy stayed with her. Instead of springing back to life as Steve had, (Y/N) spiked a major fever and put the entire staff working that night on red alert when she slept through with only signs of mild discomfort.

Her fever went down around seven the next morning.

Peggy insisted that they take a week away from the office for (Y/N) to recover. She’d done her best to protest, but (Y/N) never really could say no to Peggy, so she agreed.

It took a couple days for (Y/N) to properly regain her balance. When she finally managed to hobble to the bathroom to get a look at herself, she barely recognized the woman in the mirror. The person staring back at her was a good three inches taller and broader in the shoulders than (Y/N) had ever dreamed of being. Her eyes very nearly popped out of her head at the way the fabric of her shirt strained across her chest when she stood up straight and proper.

She flexed one arm and, fascinated, watched the way muscles she was never aware of having bunched and moved beneath her skin. She did it again and watched herself in the mirror.

“Christ, that’s impressive.”

“Yes, you certainly are.”

(Y/N) looked up and Peggy was leaning against the bathroom door frame. She turned and leaned against the sink.

“I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I was quiet.” Peggy slowly approached and trailed her fingers over (Y/N)’s jaw, down her neck, shoulder, and arm. “It’s good to see you moving around.”

“Well I can’t exactly get back to work if I lay in bed all day, now can I?”

“I suppose not. But I won’t allow you back into the office till next week at the earliest.”

(Y/N) nodded. “Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm. I’m lucky to be upright at the moment, I’m not eager to keel over on my first day back.”

“Oh. Okay.” Peggy smiled. “You’re actually going to listen to me?”

“I always listen to you. Whether or not I do as I’m told is an entirely different issue.”

“Mm, I’ll keep that in mind. Maybe expect more strict instructions with future assignments.”

“Can we talk about something other than work?”

“Of course.”

“Good.” She bit her lip and grabbed Peggy’s hand. “You really think I look impressive?”

“I think that you in your entirety are impressive. But you certainly strike an imposing figure now.” Her eyes roved appreciatively over (Y/N)’s body. “And you did say you always wanted to be strong, dreamy, and capable. Now you’re all three.”

(Y/N) pulled Peggy to her chest and circled her arms around her waist. “And I wasn’t before?”

“You were, but in varying degrees.”

“Oh?”

“Well you’re certainly stronger now. You were already incredibly dreamy and far more capable than any man would freely admit.” Peggy braced herself on (Y/N)’s shoulders. “I’m glad you’re mine, though. I’d be scared to send you back out into the wild if you weren’t.”

(Y/N)’s heart fluttered. “I love you.”

Peggy smiled. “I love you too.”

“You do?”

Peggy nodded and (Y/N) immediately kissed her. Peggy wound her fingers into (Y/N)’s hair and kissed her back. When they broke apart, foreheads pressed together, (Y/N) very quietly asked Peggy to move in with her.

“You want that?”

“Desperately.” Peggy raised her eyebrows. “We don’t have to live here, specifically. My lease is up at the end of this year. We can look for a little two bedroom, or-or a house, maybe. If you wanted.”

“You’d want to buy a house together? That’s a huge commitment, darling.”

“You’re it for me, Peg. There’s no one who comes after you. Building a home with you would be a dream come true. But if that’s too much-”

Peggy covered (Y/N)’s mouth with one hand. “I’d love to live with you. But we have to worry about your health first.”

“Okay.” (Y/N) sighed. “I’ll have to get a whole new wardrobe, won’t I?”

Peggy chuckled at (Y/N)’s disappointed frown. “Most likely, yes.”

(Y/N) groaned. “I didn’t think this through.”

“It’s an expense necessitated by work. The agency will cover half.”

“Really?”

“Well I can’t offer to pay for the whole thing. Someone will think I’m playing favorites.”

“Wouldn’t want anyone stumbling into that secret, now would we?”

(Y/N) spent the rest of the week acclimating to her new body. Peggy was a great help in reminding her to be patient with herself after she crushed several eggs before she could even crack them into a bowl.

When she was finally permitted to go back to work, she spent more time in the gym under Howard’s observation than in her own office. Which was fine by her. She was stuck wearing second-hand men’s suits, t-shirts, and sweatpants until her new clothing was ready. Even when she was wearing her own clothing, the atmosphere in the office was uncomfortable. People would stop mid-conversation to watch her walk by. She even saw someone walk into a wall once. It felt like she’d be transported back to Steve’s death, but this time everyone who stared was too scared to ask questions.

(Y/N) realized, too late, that she hadn’t thought about what would happen after the procedure. She knew there would be tests and all manner of questions from Howard and his team. She hadn’t anticipated the social repercussions. Steve hadn’t been looked at like a freak, so why would it be any different for her? But feeling their eyes on her back day in and day out just made her want to hide. (Y/N) tried to distract herself from all of it, but Peggy was watching. She’d seen everything and hated the way (Y/N) retreated into herself with each passing week.

Peggy took matters into her own hands and organized a meeting with everyone (Y/N) regularly came into contact with during the work week. (Y/N) only heard about the meeting after it happened. She never knew what was said. Just that anyone who made it out of the meeting with their job changed their behavior dramatically. The staring and hushed whispered went away and the colleagues who were obviously still curious were far more willing to ask their questions instead of obviously watching her from behind a file.

Once Howard was satisfied with the data gathered on her physical abilities, (Y/N) was cleared for field work. Peggy assigned her to assist the head of their intelligence task-force and she was given the cases that a normal team couldn’t handle. The ones that required the strength of multiple men, but boasted too much security for that to be feasible. The assignments were rate, but (Y/N) enjoyed them regardless.

“Did you ever move in together?”

“Oh yes, two months after the procedure. She was just as fond of getting into trouble as you are. At least I could keep an eye on her if we were under the same roof. And we wound up buying a house several years down the road once we’d settled on a permanent headquarters. I didn’t see any reason to waste money on more than one house, if we could help it.”

Steve smiles. “I’m glad you found each other. I know you would’ve been fine. People are drawn to you. But (Y/N)… she never did well on her own, but never wanted to ask for help. I’m not sure what would’ve happened to her.”

“I’m sure we would have found each other eventually. Life has a funny way of bringing people together.”

“Will you tell me what happened to her?”

Peggy reaches out and Steve takes her hand. “I want you to remember that (Y/N) and I had almost six decades together. She was beautiful, strong, warm, and vibrant. She was my everything, Steve.”

“I know, Peg.”

“She started feeling lethargic one day. Over the course of several weeks, she lost her appetite, had severe blood pressure drops, and she bruised like an overripe peach. Now, by this time her healing factor had faded some, but she’d never been prone to injury even before the serum. I was concerned, but she didn’t want to worry me, so she didn’t see a doctor. But then she had a particularly nasty fall and was rushed to the hospital.” Peggy’s breath shook. “I told the attending about her recent issues, they ordered some tests and the diagnosis was… less than desirable.”

“What was it?”

“She had leukemia.” Steve flounders for something to say, but Peggy doesn’t seem to notice. “We started aggressive treatment right away, but this was right around the time that Anthony was abducted. The stress took a lot out of her, but she was determined to see her nephew again.”

“Nephew?”

“Yes, Howard named us Tony’s godparents. He called both (Y/N) and I his aunts. And (Y/N) loved him dearly. She managed to hold on long enough for him to visit one last time before she passed.” Peggy smiles. “She was so happy to see him, too.”

“I never would’ve guessed.”

“Mm, she was also far more lucid than anyone in her condition had any business being. At the time, I chalked it up to you Rogers’ and your unfailing stubbornness, but now I think it was just her. With her strength gone, all she had left was her mind.”

“Did she pass peacefully?”

“Yes. Yes, I think she did. There was a time where she thought you and Sergeant Barnes were there with her. That was when I knew she didn’t have much longer. And just before she faded, she told me that you had stepped out and she said… she said “Tell my brothers I love them.” And then-” Peggy shakes her head, her gaze distant- “She was gone. Quiet and peaceful and gone.”

“I’m sorry.” Steve wipes tears from his eyes.

“Oh don’t be. She was perfect. I only wish you’d had more time to spend together.”

Steve squeezes her hand. “It wouldn’t have been the same if I was there. And some things really do happen for a reason, y’know? We just don’t know it till we’re far enough down the line to see the whole picture.”

A knock at the door draws both Steve and Peggy’s attention. The nurse from earlier pokes their head in.

“Sorry to interrupt,” they say. “But visiting hours are over.”

“Alright.” Steve smiles at Peggy, squeezes her hand, and gets up to leave.

Before he can get too far, Peggy exclaims, “Oh, Steve!”

“Yeah?”

“Before I forget, (Y/N) left something for you.”

“For me?” Steve suspects her lucidity is slipping.

“She had a feeling you weren’t truly gone. She’d done some research and compiled it for you. Director Fury should have it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Quite.”

“Okay.” Steve steps toward the door. “I’ll see you again soon, alright?”

“Of course.”

Yeah, this is definitely the gayest thing I’ve ever written. In the best way possible, of course. It’s been a lot of fun to explore this side of attraction and romance for me (as someone who doesn’t really get to do that) and I’m really excited to get started on the third chapter. It’ll be a bit different from the story that’s been told up until this point, so I think it’ll be a fun departure.

But! That being said, I’d love to know what you thought of this chapter! Do you think that the Reader and Peggy make a good pair? Do you think that it was a mistake for the Reader to take the Serum? Did hearing about her passing make you sad? Do you think it was a good thing that Peggy was the one to talk to him about it? Be sure to like, reblog, comment, and/or shoot me an ask and tell me all about it!

Tag List:

@ghostlyhamlet, @claws-of-vibranium, @creaturefeatures101-blog, @imagine-assembling-the-avengers, @buckysendoftheline, @ptprocrastination, @1950schick, @amayasymone23, @arfrona-and-marvel, @ek823, @fanaticfangirl001, @furrywerewolfcollector, @kissofvenom922, @dawn-phantomhive, @fangirlwithasweettooth, @mairhof1, @starryeyesbadguys, @trap-house-homiecide, @buckywhitewolfbarnes, @kaepm981, @howdoesoneadult, @pcdmesamidala, @thefandomplace, @sian22redux, @skeletoresinthebasement, @lady-thor-foster, @feelmyroarrrr, @jazzcutie, @gaytonystark, @hermionie-is-my-queen, @darling-loki, @geeksareunique, @nyxveracity, @lemonadeorange73, @princess-unicorn124, @tofeartheunknown, @queenoftheunderdark, @avengerscompound

This fic:

@i-m-r-borges, @lizielasyd

#peggy carterxreader #readerxpeggy carter #peggy carter x reader #reader x peggy carter #peggy carter #agent carter #agent peggy carter #reader insert marvel fic

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stellocchia · 3 years ago

Note

I'm not sure if Ya want my input, but here are my two cents.

This fandom can have an issue with fanworks. Because the majority of the content we see is based on fanworks, I believe we become critical of each other's interpretations of characters.

I understand why it irritates people (I'm not going to pretend I haven't been annoyed by headcanons or angst), but people make these things for themselves, and cutting that as a wrong interpretation can take some of the fun out of the fandom. (If that makes sense, I'm just babbling rn)

I believe this will also increase the popularity of fandom fads such as Tubbo horns and Tommy sweaters. (The fads aren't bad; they just can alienate people who don't like them because they're popular.)

Anyway, this is a strange question of "should we argue why this isn't doing right by the character" and "Let people make what they want."

So yeah it's ok to have opinions and voice them but don't antagonize or look down on fandom interpretations too much because it's probably just creative difference or projection.

Also, let's try to stop saying shit like [blanks] always do this and it's kinda annoying :/. Hate the trope, not the guys who like it.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I expressed my extreme dislike for certain kinds of tropes before as well, though I think what's important when doing that is reiterating that it's your opinion and no one else needs to follow along with it.

What mostly bothers me when seeing complaints about headcanons though is that (lately at least) it's always about Tommy. And, more precisely, about people who want to focus on the strengths of the character or on the softer canon aspects of the character. It's weird.

Like, you see people talking about how annoying it is that fanfic Tommy is "always more competent" (which I really don't know how they're finding that, because I read A LOT of fanfics and I can assure you that that's not a trend at all) than he is in canon as if that's not a trend that's VASTLY more common with every single other character (Techno suddenly knowing medicine and being incredible when it comes to handling emotions, Niki always being strong af physically and being a good fighter, Wilbur also for some reason being incredible in close combat, Tubbo suddenly being an unparalleled genius in everything and good at emotions etc etc). Same with the "softening" of the character in fanon works. It looks like if you aren't mentioning that he's eating mud every two sentences you're doing the character a disservice because some asshole on the internet said so.

It's annoying.

And, again, what makes it annoying is not people complaining. People have as much freedom as they want to talk about their preferences. Is the f*cking condescending way most people word it that pisses me off. Because it starts feeling like some people wanna be fandom authorities on matters that honestly don't affect them in the slightest.

Like, it's not hard to say: "I personally don't like it when people focus excessively on the softer aspects of Tommy's character" or "I prefer Shroud to be just a spider instead of a kid" instead of sh*t like "Tommy's character is an absolute gremlin in canon that eats mud constantly and hasn't showered in months and if you ever show even a hint of softness in his representation you are an absolute idiot who is doing his character a disservice" or " Making Shroud a hybrid kid is awful and wrong, how DARE you give Tommy that kind of responsibility when he's TRAUMATIZED" like... come on.

Okay, rant over now. Take a raccoon for your troubles:

#anon ask #fandom critical #long post #moral of the story is: you're allowed your opinion just don't be an asshole about it

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angelz-dust · 3 years ago

Text

masters of none - part 4 (jason todd x reader)

summary: after many months, we are back in action and back in reader’s head. pls enjoy these jason crumbs. if you need a refresher on the plot, the other chapters will be linked below!

word count: 3.7k

warnings: food/eating. alcohol. cursing.

part 1 /// part 2 //// part 3

gravity

ever since i ever felt ya, right there life couldn't seem better. tulip flowers in my sweater. ask me now, is this forever?

…

you rested your chin on the table before you, your arms hanging limply between your knees as you listened to your manager, dana. you were really just watching her mouth open and close while she pointed at a powerpoint. god, what you would've given for an extra hour of sleep. the all nighters in the studio were starting to take a toll.

the feeling of the back of daisy’s soft hands brought you back to earth. the smell of cocoa butter dancing beneath your nostrils as her smooth engagement ring rolled across your cheek. you breathed in her smell, exhaling in content through your nose.

“you good?” she mouthed and you closed your eyes, giving her a little nod. the bassist rubbed her calloused fingers against your forehead, pushing strands of your hair past your hairline. you pouted when she eventually pulled away, leaving you only with the sensation of touch that once was.

you heard tyler shift in his seat and then felt some air graze against your hand. you looked under the table, noticing he was holding something out to you. you two made eye contact briefly before you scooted back in, grabbing what felt like an envelope. looking down at your lap, you saw a sticky note attached to it. jason’s money was what it said. you carefully put the envelope in your jacket pocket, sitting back in your seat now and looking at dana’s powerpoint. she was going over reports from your publicist, jerry, which you didn't particularly care about.

“now, i have to ask,” dana’s words pierced your bubble of inattention. “have you all thought about what i said about this next album?”

jordy raised his hand like a school kid. “yes?”

“y/n and i decided that we'd be okay with making our album a group project. it has been, admittedly, kinda hard and boring without everyone else. we’d honestly be doing ourselves a disservice by not doing it together,” jordy explained, dana clapping her hands together.

“wonderful,” she nodded, keeping her hands clasped. “i know you two were excited to do your own thing, but i was talking to jerry and he was really pressing me to get a group album from you guys. the people wanna see you guys as a unit of established artists, which you all are. so what's the concept? we never discussed it.”

“uh,” you verbally paused, raising your arms above your head to stretch. “disco, jazz, and funk. it's a mix of those.”

“retro is in right now,” dana nodded, pacing around the room. “how far back will this set us on a release date?”

you grimaced, leaning back in your seat, the back of the seat lightly bouncing as it absorbed your weight. you pondered the question for a moment. “if it’s gonna be a group thing, it'll have to be significantly longer. we have a decent starting off point but i'm gonna need way more songs now.”

“what about the rest of you? any tracks that we could swing?” dana asked, looking at the rest of the group.

grabbing a pen and piece of scrap paper, you started jotting down notes as everyone spoke out to you. dex and quinton didn’t have anything, but they wouldn’t be a problem. you just needed to give them a beat to rap over and you’d be set. the twins had a finished song already that fit the concept, which was good. with tyler’s voice and aly’s excellent song writing abilities, you doubted very seriously that anything else needed to be done to it. daisy and hector had plenty of lyricless songs, too. funk and soul was their specialty, after all. misha even had a demo track she was willing to share.

you looked over the notes you had taken, tapping your pen on the table as you hummed to yourself. “this could probably work. we’ll need to go over everything in the studio, though.”

“we should just do it now. no one is doing shit else today, right?” dex asked the group, who all shook their head.

“i have a request,” you raised your finger, looking at dana. “i want gotham to be involved in this project.”

“gotham…” dana repeated slowly, unsure of what you meant. “care to elaborate?”

“music videos directed by student directors from gotham university, commissioning local artists for album art. dancers, actors, musicians, whatever. all of them have to be from gotham. i don't want any of the money we put into this project leaving this city,” you stated firmly, dana giving you a blank look.

“i like that idea,” hector said, giving you a kind smile before turning to dana, shifting in his seat. the drummer was like a big brother, always backing you up in moments like these. “accessibility to the arts is really limited here and we should change that.”

“i’d rather give back to the city, too,” quinton agreed, playing with the gold cross hanging from his neck. “we’re one of the only groups in gotham known outside of gotham. we should use that as an opportunity to rep our city.”

“it sounds like you have your minds made up on this,” dana narrowed her eyes, letting out a sigh. “it would definitely be good PR.”

“because god forbid we do something out of the kindness of our hearts,” misha laughed, rolling her eyes. “we're trying to put the city on and you're worried about how it makes us look.”

“that's my job, misha. don't you want me to do my job?” dana retorted. “besides, i'm more concerned with the funding. you all don't have disposable income, believe it or not.”

“but i know someone who does,” she said with a singsong tone, giving you a look.

“i hope you're not referring to me,” you deadpanned. your income was far from disposable.

“i’m referring to our good friend, bruce wayne,” she explained, grabbing a business card out of her purse, handing it over to dana. “ever since i got invited to that charity gala, i've had a direct line to a representative with the wayne foundation. i say we ask them to help fund the project.”

“now that could work,” dana admitted, eyeing the card as she tapped her foot. “if we pitch for more youth involvement, it'll probably go over better. we all know how much bruce wayne loves saving the children.”

you frowned at how dana described bruce’s initiatives as a philanthropist. you were sure his motivations for favoring youth projects were good intentioned, considering his parents had been killed when he was just a little boy. you wanted to go into this good intentioned, too and you hoped that they'd agree. they being the wayne foundation and subsequently, bruce himself.

“ty and quinton could do something with forrester. if we’re going for the youth involvement route, i mean,” aly spoke up.

“forrester correctional. our old stomping grounds,” quinton sighed wistfully as he patted tyler on the shoulder. “i think that would be a good idea.”

“they use the arts as an outlet for them, so it could be beneficial for everyone,” tyler nodded. “there are a lot of good kids there. just unfortunate circumstances, that’s all.”

“wasn’t one of bruce’s son’s a troublemaker before he was adopted?” aly continued, not noticing the look you and tyler shared. “i’m sure he’d probably be interested in doing something with them if his son comes from the same background.”

“it’s settled, then. you all keep working on the music. jerry and i will handle the rest. we need this album out before hector and daisy’s wedding,” dana said, grabbing her suitcase.

…

hey, i have your money. did you still want it?

you stared down at the unsent message, your thumb floating over the send arrow. you hadn’t spoken to jason since that night after the race, as per his request. your mind kept wandering back to it, even as time still went on. what happened was scary, to say the least. fun, but scary. you wondered how the hell jason didn’t get the two of you killed. that part, you didn't want to think about too hard. everyone in gotham had their secrets and it was an unspoken rule amongst citizens to not pry. secrets were secrets for a reason. nothing good ever came from unearthing them.

speaking of secrets, you hadn't exactly told tyler and quinton what happened that night. not in detail. you conveniently left out the chase and stopping to get something to eat. omitting the first part was obvious, but the second one was for your own sanity. you didn't need them teasing you over nothing. besides, all that mattered was no one was dead or arrested. and for the way the three of you used to get down, that was a win.

you considered texting jason earlier this week, just to check in on him, but you decided against it. he obviously wanted you to text him and you obviously had to do the opposite. his little mind game wasn’t going to work on you. you pressed send, frowning immediately as you did so.

maybe it already had.

“it’s too many people in this bitch,” dex sighed, the cold of the water bottle you had asked him for against your hand bringing you back to reality. blinking, you were suddenly very aware of the chaos surrounding you in the studio as you put your phone back in your pocket. you looked to your left, where jordy was leaning against the wall and scrolling through his phone. to your right was aly, who was scribbling in her songbook in the chair next to you. you remembered you were supposed to be working, too. “we need a new stu.”

“i’m working on it!” hector hollered from inside the booth as he and daisy were setting up equipment and instruments. you glanced up at the glass in front when you heard his voice, accidentally catching the pair share a little kiss. you quickly averted your gaze, smiling to yourself.

“new stu, new view, what it do?” quinton began to freestyle to a beat he was making on the coffee table in front of him. “off 92, posted up with southside crew.”

“okay,” dex laughed, noddinh his head as he was vibing with the beat, making his way out of your line of sight. you heard someone, presumably tyler, join in and add some depth to the beat. it sounded like he was hitting a pencil against a shot glass.

“i got a new boo, but i’m tryna slide with misha, too,” quinton continued, dex adlibbing in the back as quinton lowered his voice to his signature melodic whisper. “on the low, nobody gotta know.”

“would you shut the fuck up?” you heard misha say, followed by a barrage of muffled smacking noises and verbal objections from quinton, who you assumed was on the receiving end of what sounded like an assault by pillow.

laughing to yourself, you leaned your head in aly’s direction, not fully facing her. “pass me the flash drive?” you held your hand out weakly. once you felt the plastic in your palm, you leaned back over and put it into the computer, pulling up the proper files.

“we’re done back here,” daisy smiled at you, she and hector coming out from the booth.

you clapped your hands together. “wonderful. everybody shut up, please.”

you pulled up the twin’s song and let it play, your eyes fixed on the colorful audio loops on the screen. the green ones were tyler’s vocals, the purple were aly’s. it looked like blue was reserved for instruments and red was any added sound effects or layered sounds.

“you two sound really great,” jordy walked up behind aly’s seat, leaning against it as he swayed his head to the beat.

“thanks. i wrote it with our mother in mind,” aly said, the words coming out of her mouth uncomfortably. you placed your hand on hers and gave it a little squeeze, which earned you a look of appreciation.

“it's missing something, though,” tyler scratched the back of his head. “i need the producer squad to give us some assistance.”

“oh, say less,” dex laughed, snapping his fingers to the beat with one hand and holding his glass of hennessy in the other. he danced his way over, taking aly’s seat as she, tyler and jordy moved to give you all some space.

misha sauntered her way over, sitting against the table and flipping her hair over her shoulder. the smell of her sweet perfume floated in the air around you. “i think it just needs some fluffing up. some snapping might work. more vocal layering in certain spots.”

“i agree,” you nodded, dex letting out a satisfied sigh as he took a sip of his cold drink.

“is it good?” misha asked him teasingly and he took his final swig, letting out a more dramatic and drawn out sigh. this time, though, it was on beat with the song. you were pretty sure it was unintentional on his part, since he and misha just shared a laugh before returning their attention to the screen.

after a moment of pondering, you swiveled around in your chair, looking at tyler. “okay, hear me out…”

…

two weeks of very diligent working between the nine of you had given you a lot to work with for the album. all that was left was to start putting things together. you still had a ways to go, but you had a good starting off point. as much as you hated to admit it, it was a good call on dana’s part to have you all do a group album. the fans seemed to be greatly anticipating the release and the work ethic the nine of you shared was incredible. even in that cramped little studio, you all made it work.

you all agreed to take the day off, but you were still working at some capacity. you had just traded one small space for another, working in your walk-in closet/home studio for the day. you still needed said walk-in to function as a closet, so there were still garment bags pushed up into a corner and shoe boxes haphazardly stacked, surrounding your desk that you had shoved in there. there was just enough space for you to move your chair and safely get out without twisting an ankle, a fate you often flirted with in that room.

in the spirit of your day off, you hadn't done anything too difficult. you were just trying to decide what order you wanted the completed songs to go in. it may seem like an insignificant detail, but the order was important. the transitions between songs couldn't be jarring for the listener. everything had to flow together with natural progression. at this point, it didn't matter since you weren't done with the album, but it was just giving you an idea of how to fill the gaps with future songs.

the sound of your growling stomach indicated that it was time to stop for the day. you quickly saved all your work and headed to the kitchen. you popped some leftovers in the microwave and scrolled on twitter while you waited. the microwave beeped at you, so you set your phone back down and grabbed the bowl, mixing up the contents with your fork. the flash of light coming from your phone got your attention. a text notification.

are you home?

oh, so now he wanted to respond? cute.

despite your annoyance with the situation, you quickly responded with a yes and set the phone back down. you leaned against the counter, eating what little food you had in your reheated bowl. you mixed the contents around with your fork, grumbling. stupid jason and his stupid inability to text back. he could have at least had the decency to leave you on read. he probably didn't even have read receipts on. you weren't sure which was worse. tossing your now empty bowl into the sink, you grabbed your phone to read his next message.

i’ll be over soon.

soon was very vague and you wished that you would've demanded an exact time, but that opportunity had passed by the time you thought about it. you busied yourself with tidying up, trying to make your place look presentable. you even lit your new candle, which you found yourself focusing your attention on while you waited for him to show up. staring at the flame was much more entrancing than you anticipated.

you heard the door buzzer go off. you weren't expecting anyone else, so it had to be him. you leaned against the wall, pressing your finger to the button.

“who goes there?” you presented the question as a joke, but your tone was a little flat.

“it’s the irs,” jason’s voice came through and you buzzed him in.

not too long after, you heard him knock on the door. you cracked it open and the first thing you noticed was his cologne. it was a strong but pleasant scent. spicy and sweet. it was very intoxicating, actually. so much so that you almost forgot you were angry at him.

“hi.”

“hello.”

you opened the door fully and handed the envelope to him. jason eyed it suspiciously. he opened it up and began to count it out in front of you. he made an effort to do it very slow, the sound of the crisp dollars echoing in the quiet hall. his eyes stayed glued to yours as he counted out loud. you leaned against the doorframe as you watched.

“six… seven… eight,” he said, pulling out his wallet and stuffing it with the cash. “thought you would've skimmed some off the top.”

“i should have with how long you made me wait,” you said matter of factly, letting your annoyance be known now.

“i know. i’m sorry,” he sounded honest but you couldn't see it in his face or in his eyes, which was worrisome. it was a nice alternative to listening to a sputter of excuses, though. “let me make it up to you?”

“how do you plan on doing that?”

“i’m so glad you asked,” he smiled. “as it turns out, i've recently come into some money. let me spend it on you?”

“so you like throwing money at your problems?” you asked him. well, you weren't really asking. it was more like you were telling him.

“no,” he said, sounding a little offended. “i just thought-”

“you just thought that throwing money at me would make me forget about the fact that you ignored me for a month.”

“no, no,” he shook his head, sighing in frustration. “listen, i-”

“i really don't wanna hear it,” you said honestly, watching as his frustrated look turned into kicked puppy. you almost felt bad. “i don't like feeling stupid, jason. that's how i feel right now. i want you to make it up to me but you'll have to be a bit more creative than this.”

“you want me to make it up to you?” jason had repeated, confusion on his face.

you poked him harshly in the chest. “you do that or you leave me alone. those are your options. goodbye.”

you shut the door in his face and let out the breath you were holding in. you weren’t sure how jason was going to react to your little ultimatum, but those were your terms. you liked him but you weren’t going to stress over someone you barely knew, especially with your assumptions about him floating around in your head.

“i’ll be right back,” you heard him say through the door, catching you off guard.

“what?”

“don’t go anywhere.”

you didn’t respond but you heard his footsteps getting quieter as he walked down the hall. the elevator ding indicated that he had left. you stood there, confused as to what it was he was trying to do. you were still stewing in your negative emotions, so you went and busied yourself again. you decided the dishes needed washing and got on it right away. in the middle of scrubbing the stubborn sauce stains out of your plate, you heard your door buzzer go off again.

so he did come back after all. interesting.

you buzzed him in like you did before and waited by the door for him. he knocked and when you opened it, you were met with two gifts: a bouquet of pink tulips and a small box of something from the bakery around the corner.

“i shouldn’t have ignored you. it was rude and stupid and i’m sorry. it won’t happen again,” he said to you, holding out the items to you. you hesitantly accepted them, taking the opportunity to look through the plastic opening of the box to see chocolate covered strawberries.

“it better not happen again,” you pouted, looking up at him. you had to appreciate the effort he put in at such short notice. it was a sweet gesture and he actually looked sorry this time.

“it won’t,” he assured you and you smiled.

“i forgive you. but you’re on thin fucking ice,” you reminded him and he grinned at you with a nod.

“i’m going to make it up to you. just you wait,” he said confidently. “not all of us are naturally creative like you, though. you gotta give me some time to think of something else.”

“seems like you’re getting your feet wet with the flower selection,” you noted, taking a whiff of the delicate and fresh scent. they’d look nice on your coffee table.

“lady at the shop said they would convey my sincerest apologies,” he explained, a hopeful look in his eyes. “did it work?”

“for now,” you shrugged, setting the items down on the table next to the door.

“i can accept that.”

“you’re gonna have to because that’s all i’m giving you,” you said firmly. his charm wasn’t going to get him out of this one. not completely. “now go away. i want to eat my berries in peace.”

“i’ll text you as soon as i get the chance,” he told you as you were shutting the door. you peered at him, narrowing your eyes before shutting it again. “i’m serious!”

“goodbye, jason!” you said through the door. you heard his faint farewell as you walked away, plopping on the couch with your dessert in hand.

were you still a little mad at him? yes. but you weren’t going to pass up free stuff, even if you had made all that fuss about the money earlier. at least the gifts had some thought behind them. so long as he held up his end of the deal, you had a feeling being friends with jason wouldn’t be that bad.

hopefully, anyway.

#jason todd x reader #red hood x reader #dc x reader #jason todd #red hood

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ruby-whistler · 4 years ago

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It’s funny how much the fandom fights to dehumanize c!Dream because it’s such a disservice to his character — what makes his character so impactful is how human it is.

the use of “it” in the last sentence really cracked me up considering what you’re talking about dkhfk

no but i totally agree. but it’s also just,, really difficult to notice? like, back in the dark ages (aka my pre-apologist days) i never noticed that i was biased against the character because he was the villain, but i was now that i look back at it.

a few days ago i was looking through old discord messages for some references and i found me saying “dream was manipulating sapnap and george in the dethronement scene, really scary to think if quackity hadn’t stepped in it would’ve probably worked” and i just went oh. i really thought that lmao

like that’s a scene of his friends abandoning him which has become really personal for me lately. and i had perceived it differently only because of my preconceived notions about the character, you know, “puppeteer” - because people like wilbur, tommy and quackity had called him that.

and it wasn’t like i was always like that either. just from the pogtopia era, i did a whole bunch of analysis in this one discord channel of the vassal scene because the whole wilbur “villain arc” was such a big deal back then. i characterized dream as “morally grey” there; wait, actually, let me find it.

“Dream was the hero from the beginning, but after Tommy bribed him with the discs, he gave up on helping the revolutionaries get out of Wilbur’s manipulation, and let them be. He was also pressured a lot since he was unfairly villainized.

He knew that Wilbur did this in order to have power over others, and he wanted to stop this scheme, but people, much like Tommy, believed Wilbur had good intentions. Which was wrong, now it seems. Like this Dream became a neutral, and ended up trying to get into the peoples’ favor again by helping Wilbur- but this time, Wilbur was the villain.

Does that make sense?”

“I feel like at the end, Dream actually was one of the good guys. Tommy and Tubbo and Fundy and Eret also, because they were all doing what they believed was right for others. The true villain was Wilbur, because he did everything from a selfish intention.

Idk morality is a difficult question.”

ofc those were very bad and uninformed analyses, i was literally just theorizing in a discord channel, but you could say i had the spirit before i,, villainized dream like everyone else did because the narrative seemed to be pushing it so much.

the thing that actually made me a dream apologist (again), was three things at once. first it was dream’s “i don’t wanna come back down” and desperate shouting during the disc finale. i am very high on empathy as an infj so this literally broke me for some time as seen here:

“when dream says "i'm not coming back down" he sounds so vulnerable how dare that bastard try pull at my heartstrings??? i'm a sucker for scenes where villains are scared/helpless because it really brings out the humanity in them and this is honestly just amazing and i don't feel accomplished i just feel sad”

i lived through that, found out dream apologists exist and got very confused, and then this freaking sad-ist fanart dropped and ruby.exe has stopped responding.

then i found dr3′s threads when my techno apologist friend retweeted the “dream doesn’t break beautifully” one and,,, it went downhill from there.

what i’m getting at is, i’ve been in that position.

dehumanization isn’t something we decide to do. it’s a subconscious process, which is so incredibly subtle that the majority of the fandom are actively doing it without realising it. it’s even harder to admit it than to notice.

dehumanization is often how we mentally justify something bad happening to someone. which is how people excuse things let’s say, quackity, tommy or wilbur do to him; because they don’t want to admit that the characters they like would hurt someone on purpose. and let’s be honest; c!dream is easy to dehumanize.

he’s done bad things, and just by calling him “ab///r” or “manipulator” or “tyrant” or “murderer” - any of these titles, and our inner moral compass is soothed.

it’s not a lack of empathy. i’m too empathetic for my own good, but i fell for it!

i think the best we can do is try to analyse, explain, and especially make art. art will always be so much more powerful in shaping the public’s opinion than talking to someone directly ever could be.

when you say “you are wrong, and here is why” you are talking to the person’s logic. it is easy to ignore logic in favor of bias.

if you make art (drawings, animation, writing) and make people actually feel things? it’s impossible to ignore that and you will question your opinions.

what i mean is before we expect to see people stop dehumanizing him, we need to try humanize him first.

are people who do it justified? no. does it make them terrible people, uncompassionate or stupid? also no! they don’t do it on purpose.

what i mean is that if dehumanization is a process, so is re-humanization.

just, you know. showcase that impact of humanity in c!dream. show them there’s a different perspective there, and let them pick for themselves - don’t force anything, just do you. if they were ever going to pick the right option, they’ll do it at some point :]

#c!dream #c!dream sympathetic #my asks #anon #tw dehumanization #dreblr

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floweryavenue · 4 years ago

Text

Ugh, so, I don't even know if anyone is actually gonna read this, and I'm not really the one who would participate in fandom very actively (I was always a passive observer, liking other's people content), but the stuff with the leaks of the extra 8 pages of snk ending has been really bothering me for the last few days, and I really need to get a few things off my chest.

I really wanted to wait till 9th June to form my full thoughts. However, since basically all pages have leaked anyway and quite a reliable source confirmed there is basically no additional context to them whatsoever, I decided I might as well write this anyway and vent somewhere to clear my head so I can finally move on with my life to focus on other things I like and with other important irl stuff. Moreover, since Tumblr seems like a reasonably safe space to do so (comparing to one hell of a Twitter...) I might as well do it here. So, let's go.

So, basically, my main problem with those pages is simply that... you just don't do that. No. You don't release an ending, make people think it's really the end, then say you're gonna release a few additional pages that won't change anything but simply clarify some things, and then, two months later, release these pages indeed but not only they don't actually clarify anything, but in fact, create even more plot holes. Furthermore, as a cherry on top, they change the ending quite completely. If those pages had been included in the original release, most people, myself included, would've moved on by now. But noooo, make us go through this hell again. Great :))))

And as for the content of those pages, well... I can't help but feel they really did quite a disservice to Mikasa, one of my favourite female characters ever. My biggest problem isn't even that she 'moved on' (whatever that means at this point, coz I feel like fandom has been successfully managing to butcher that term ever since 139 has dropped) and started a family on her own because I'm fully aware that falling in love again after you first love died is an entirely normal thing irl. But ffs, we're not talking about irl here; we're talking about snk and Mikasa. And the thing that MAINLY bothers me, is the way it has been presented.

I'm not going to delve into the husband's possible identities, 1) I'm not interested at all in participating in any ship wars, 2) because we don't even get to see his face and sources say we indeed don't get any direct confirmation in that regard. Not that this matters anyway, because we get presented with Mikasa on the one hand staring her own family, but on the other, still continuing to visit Eren's grave repeatedly throughout her life and in the end, getting buried with a scarf on, her dearest remembrance of Eren, and maybe even getting buried next to him (even tho, the latter is still not 100% confirmed, bcs here sources are contradictory, but judging by the general mood of those pages, I'd not be surprised at all if it turns out to be the case).

That makes me think the whole family-stuff was used only to present the passage of time and the fact that Mikasa never fully got over Eren, bcs we don't see the family in any other context besides the visits to the grave. And that leads me to my other question - was introducing the family really NECESSARY, then? Couldn't Mikasa simply visit the grave with Armin, and maybe even with Armin, Annie and their kids? Idk about you, but that would make 100% more sense to me. Also, don't get me even started, how much in the wrong way it rubs me that Mikasa, the character who, as we know, always deeply cared about others, even strangers (Gabi, etc.), would just drag her husband, her children and grandchildren to the grave of her first love on which she had written 'my most beloved, my dear'? Do I really need to elaborate on how WEIRD that is?

But I guess that's on me for believing a male author would write a satisfactory conclusion to the main female character (not Mikasa touring around Hizuru, not Mikasa playing with kids at the orphanage, no! Forced family plot, instead! Take that!)

As of Eremika, aka my most cherished paring ever since 2014... I guess the only good thing in that mess is that at least it doesn't invalidate them. If anything, it validates them even more, because the stuff I've mentioned earlier prove their love was eternal and Mikasa never truly got over it. So, all in all, I'm gonna still cherish them forever. There are still many unexplored aspects of their bond, so I believe we, as a community, have a big room to explore (pls, I'm begging you, explore with me all the possibilities of their four years in the cottage in the mountains, I swear, that sh!t has so much potential it's unbelievable).

As of Paradis getting destroyed, well, that leaves me bitter, even though after doing some thinking, that really might be the least out of place thing in those pages. At least according to sources, it happens when Mikasa is already dead, so at least Eren's wish of giving his friends long, secure lives came true. However, that would be it.

And as of titan's power still being there and some kid apparently finding the source of it... this just screams 'sequel-baiting', AND I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. That's it.

To end my definitely too long rambling, I just wanna say, I really would have liked to wait till 9th June to publish my thoughts, but as I've said, those last few days have been driving me crazy and I really wanted just to get all of it off my chest and move on. I want for now to just focus on my irl things, like working on my master's thesis and other stuff giving me joy, like Eurovision next week coming back after 2-years-absence due to pandemic. Eurovision is one of the few things that I love, and I intend on fully enjoying it next week, not sulking on those leaks too much. And if by some completely unexpected miracle I get pleasantly surprised on 9th June (even tho I truly doubt it at this point) - that would be only a win for me, I guess.

Anyway, please remember, all that I have written here is ONLY MY OPINION, and if you disagree with anything, that's valid, you're completely entitled to that. I'm not publishing this to argue with anybody, only to clear my head. That's it.

If anyone has read this too long personal rant of mine - thank you, I'm kissing you on the forehead right now.

Oh, and remember - EREMIKA IS CANON. And always will be (no, that one is not up for discussion).

Also, we have that official High School AU, and Eren right now is quietly snoozing on Mikasa's shoulder during another Twilight marathon she made him to take part in, and Armin and Annie are dissing people together on reddit while bonding over their pretentious taste in music. That's canon, Isayama told me after I had phoned him to ask wtf.

PS To think I was almost sure those extra pages will be about Mikasa's reunion with the rest of the alliance... I guess it's time to put that clown make up on.

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sugarcarnation · 3 years ago

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Which characters do you like the most that the fandom at large would tear you apart for? Why do you like them and why do you think they get so much hate?

well the most obvious answer to this question is miss rachel berry. i absolutely adore her and i remember being so happy that the show had a female main character who i loved and then i entered the fandom expecting people to feel the same and well. as you might be able to imagine i was in for a rude awakening

and okay im not gonna pretend that rachel was a perfect human being because she sure wasn’t. but she’s really not as terrible as people are claiming she is. i love her because she’s incredibly ambitious, funny and (yeah i’m gonna say it) a good friend

as for why people dislike her so much i think a lot of it has to do with her being the main character and in turn taking up a bunch of screentime. in addition to that she can be quite selfish (although that applies to almost everyone on this show) and doesn’t always realize when a line has been crossed (again she is really not the worst offender when it came to that though)

and then i do believe that the whole lea michele thing added to people disliking her because this fandom has problems separating the actor from the character but i don’t wanna gonna go into that too deeply lmao

other characters i love who aren’t really appreciated by most of the fandom are definitely tina, artie and the season 4 newbies

the hatred tina is getting is downright absurd at times because what did she ever actually do to deserve it? in my opinion the whole blaine debacle in season 4 is the only time where she actually did something bad. and then this isn’t even what people are criticizing her for so like what is the fandoms deal with her lmao

similarly to rachel i love her because she’s ambitious and not afraid to stand up for herself. but exactly that seems to be the problem because i guess people don’t like it when anyone who’s not their favorite character is taking up the spotlight in any shape or form

artie is a case where i genuinely don’t know why anyone has a strong hatred for him. i could get not having strong feelings about him because he admittedly didn’t do much but that alone should mean that there’s no reason to dislike him so much

and yeah the conversation with ryder in lights out was bad but sam was just as guilty as artie when it comes to that situation and he is adored by most of the fandom

i know artie gets criticized for his treatment of women and i agree that it wasn’t great all of the time but in the end he was a great boyfriend (especially compared to other characters) and in my opinion a very fun character

and lastly i think the season 4 newbies are mostly just disliked because their introduction to the show was pretty bad in most cases. and i can understand feeling kinda bitter that your favorite character got replaced by a low budget version of them but i think that watering the newbies down to that is a disservice to them

they all developed to be really fun characters who aren’t just copies of the older characters and did the best they could with the admittedly not always great storylines they got

in my opinion it is kinda telling though that kitty is by far the most popular newbie character. this fandom at large just has a thing for the mean cheerleader and will ignore every other character

#obviously not everyone who likes any of the cheerios is like that #i like them too #but in my experience a lot of people who only have the cheerios as their faves aren’t gonna like the other characters all that much #rachel berry #tina cohen chang #artie abrams #unique adams #marley rose #jake puckerman #asks

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a-little-slice-of-fandom · 4 years ago

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I’d love to hear your thoughts on the Irish-ness of Dracula, if you wanna ramble about it!

(Okay I just want to apologise for how long this took to answer because I know it’s been sitting in my inbox for over a month but..depression and work happened and I just didn’t have the time or energy to complete it. I seriously do apologise for this but I hope you enjoy the post anyway!)

So the first thing I need to clear up is this: the concept of a monster or a demon that feeds upon the life force of humans is not limited to one singular culture or folklore. In fact, this core concept is a wider cultural phenomenon and variations of it exist across both countries and continents. And no one country can take sole credit for the this core concept of vampires. Anyone who tries to claim otherwise either doesn’t know much about vampires or is intentionally being disingenuous. There can be cultural variations that are specific to certain folklores (and to just blatantly steal these would be cultural appropriation), but the main idea of vampires exists across a wide range of folklores and no singular person, group of people or culture can take credit for the creation of vampires.

However, arguably it was the work of Bram Stoker that aided in the solidification of the concept of Vampires that we know today. While there were other authors from a wide range of nationalities who wrote about Vampires before Stoker (including John William Polidori who wrote the Vampyre in 1819)...Dracula is the best known. (Now I personally believe that’s because Dracula is an absolutely banging novel, although I do concede that the prevalence of adaptations of Dracula from the 1920’s to today helps keep Dracula in the forefront of audiences minds.) In addition, it’s important to remember that Stoker was inspired by another Irish author Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, who wrote the novel Carmilla. As far as I know, Le Fanu and Stoker actually worked together on a magazine!

Another thing I think that needs clarification is the common belief that Stoker heavily/religiously based Dracula on the historical figure Vlad the Impailer. This is heavily debated by scholars. While there’s an obvious, undeniable similarity between the names of these two...the similarities start to wain after this, with only small similarities between the two and there’s even literal contradictions between the history of Vlad the Impailer and Dracula’s history in the novel. In fact, there’s not much indication that Stoker based the character Dracula off Vlad the Impailer, or even that he had a working knowledge of Vlad the Impailer beyond the name. In all 124 pages of his notes, there’s nothing to indicate that Stoker’s inspiration for Dracula came from Vlad the Impailer.

(Plus Dracula in the novel wasn’t even originally called Dracula...he was called Count Wampyr in the original drafts of the novel and this was only changed, from what I can gather, in the last couple of drafts.)

In fact, I’d personally argue that that connection between Vlad the Impailer and Dracula is actually something that’s been retroactively added by other artists, for example the 1992 film “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” heavily leaned into this idea that Dracula and Vald the Impailer were one in the same, and as time has progressed people assume that these elements were in the original novel when that’s simply untrue! Stoker didn’t write that! It’s a retroactive addition by other artists that’s just assumed by the masses to be canon. This phenomenon is actually super interesting and it’s absolutely not limited to Stoker’s novel Dracula/the modern day perception of Dracula (another example would be Mary Shelley’s version of Frankenstein versus the modern day perception Frankenstein). I’m not sure if there’s a word for what this is, but I like the term “cultural canon”, where something that’s been added in by other artists has become as good as canon within the minds of the masses and as such is ingrained within the cultural perception of something, despite it having no basis within the original piece or even directly contradicting what is in canon.

(Now I’ll absolutely concede that Stoker taking the name of a historical figure and possibly their likeness from another country and making them into a literal monster is something that should be discussed. I don’t know how Vlad the Impailer is viewed within Romania - whether he’s viewed positively or negatively or a mixture - but regardless he was a historical figure and Stoker did eventually use that name for his own creative purposes. Again, Stoker didn’t say that Dracula and Vlad the Impailer were the same person, that’s other artists doing, but there’s still issues with Stoker that needs to be discussed)

Now, I’ve seen people talk about how Stoker took a lot of inspiration from the Baltic folklore surrounding vampires for his novel, but I don’t really know this folklore very well and therefore I don’t feel like I’m qualified to discuss it. If anyone is more well versed in this topic wants to add to this post then they’re more than welcome to! I don’t deny that Stoker too inspiration from places other than Ireland (like the novel is set in Whitby) but I just feel like people over hype the relation between stokers Dracula and Vlad the Impailer.

Now, onto the Irish mythology side!

So the most obvious inspiration for Dracula comes from the story of Abhartach. here is a link to an actual, respectable retelling of the story of Abhartach which I’d highly recommend people read (it’s really not that long) but the key points go as follows:

There was this Irish chieftain called Abhartach, who was really cruel and the townsfolk didn’t really like him. So, the townsfolk and another cheiftain (known as Cathain) banded together to kill Abhartach. They did succeed in killing him (yay), however, Abhartach just sort of...rose from the dead and began another reign of terror (not yay). However, Abhartach needed to be sustained by blood and required a bowlful every day to sustain his energy. Cathain comes back and kills Abhartach once again, but Abhartach rises from the dead once more and now needs more blood. Abhartach is only banished when Cathain uses a word made from yew wood and wounds Abhartach with it. Abhartach is buried upside down with a grant stone over the grave to stop Abhartach rising once again.

Sound familiar? The similarities between Abhartach and Dracula are undeniable! Yes, there’s some differences between the two but the core story here is almost identical. I could totally reword that paragraph, omitting the names, and it would be indistinguishable from a short summary of Dracula! Even the way that the main characters find out about the wooden weapon that can kill the monster is similar, as both Jonathan and Cathain go to wiser and older members of their community to learn more.

(Also please mythology blogs don’t come for me I know my retelling was an incredible oversimplification but I’m writing on my iPad and my thumbs are starting to hurt. People have wrote full papers on the similarities between Dracula and Abhartach and there’s so many more people more qualified than me, I’m just an 18 year old trying to make a fun and interesting tumblr post. Again, if anyone wants add anything like extra sources or more information or even to point out my mistakes then I more than welcome the additions)

Another piece of folklore that’s also said to have inspired Dracula is the Dearg Due. Now there’s multiple different versions of the tale, but the version I have heard goes like this:

There’s a noble woman who wants to marry a penniless peasant boy, but her dad disapproves and wants her to marry another man who is much richer. The rich man and the noble woman were eventually married but the woman didn’t love the rich man. In retaliation, the rich man locked the woman in a windowless castle where she starved to death. The woman was buried by the locals who took pity on her, but because she was buried hungry she came back to life and drank the blood of her father and her husband as revenge. The version I heard says that the dearg due now basically wanders ireland drinking the blood of men who have hurt or wronged women (as one should) but there’s other endings to the story.

(Again is anyone has a reliable source they want to share then please feel free to add!)

So this is another Irish piece of folklore that clearly includes some elements that we now associate with vampires. Now people (including Wikipedia) claim that this story was specifically what Stoker based Dracula on, and while I definitely think that Stoker was aware of this story and took inspiration from it, I personally think that the Dearg Due inspired the concept of Dracula’s wives more than Dracula himself.

However the key point still stands: Stoker was likely aware of these legends and even the most staunchly anti-Irish person would have to concede that there’s similarities between all three stories. And very rarely are these similarities discussed in classes about Dracula...which I feel is a real disservice. I don’t think students should have to have an intense knowledge of Irish mythology (my knowledge is spotty at best) nor do I think it should be an exam question...but even a brief acknowledgment of “hey, Stoker was inspired by these stories and you can clearly see similarities between them” would be nice. Moreover, it further solidifies my original argument that Stoker was, at least to some extent, Irish and that his Irishness inherently influenced his work.

Also...the social context of what was going on in Ireland in this period can’t be ignored! Again, while Stoker did spend time in both England and Romania, he spent a lot of his life in Ireland and therefore would have known what was going on in his own country.

Dracula was published in 1897, which is exactly 50 years after the worst year of the Irish Famine/ The Great Hunger/An Gorta Mór. Now I don’t have time to do a whole history of the Great Hunger but the effects of the famine were greatly exacerbated by the horrific mismanagement of Ireland by the British government and the British system of ruling in Ireland. How many people died during the famine isn’t clear, but we do know that the population of Ireland at the time was 8 million and the population today is 6 million...200 years later and we still haven’t recovered. So while we all like to joke about the fact that Stoker wrote about an unfeeling member of the aristocracy literally feeding off others with no remorse and basically ruining their lives...are we really going to pretend that there isn’t social commentary there? Scholars specifically think that Stoker was commenting on the absentee landlords (basically British aristocrats who owned land in Ireland but didn’t live there and as such didn’t care about the well being of their tenants) who would often have tenants forced off the land when they couldn’t pay rent...despite the fact that their tenenants were already starving and had no money because their only source of food and income failed.

(I’m not being shady by the way, I also love to joke about the social implications of Dracula, but I feel like people forget that the jokes have actual points behind them)

There was also a cholera epidemic in Ireland in 1832 which is generally accepted to be one of Stoker’s biggest inspirations. You can read more about the epidemic here if you wish, but I’ll summarise what I feel are the key points. Not only was Stoker’s mother from county Sligo and lived through this cholera epidemic, but Stoker also asked her to write down her memories of the epidemic and used her accounts to aid in his research of the cholera epidemic. Now the fact that he was actively researching this should indicate that it would influence his work, especially considering the situation in county Sligo was incredibly morbid. There’s accounts of the 20 carpenters in Sligo town being unable to make enough coffins to keep up with the amount of people dying, resulting in hundreds of dead bodies just lying on the street. However, the most horrific account from this epidemic was the stories of terrified nurses placing cholera patients into mass graves while they were still alive. Stoker himself literally stated that Dracula was “inspired by the idea of someone being buried before they were fully dead”. So while at first there seems to be very little relation between the novel and a medical epidemic, it quickly becomes clear that Stoker’s fascination with this historical event influenced his writing.

My overall point is that Stoker’s irishness inherently influenced his writing. Writers don’t write in their own little bubble, divorced from the world around them, their views and work are shaped by their position in society and their upbringing (it’s why I dislike death of the author as a literary theory). So when people try to claim that Dracula is a piece of British literature...it indicates either a lack of understanding of the context in which Stoker was writing in or a wilful ignorance founded on colonialist ideas. His influences are so obvious to me as an Irish woman but they rarely get discussed, and even if they are it’s seen as overreaching! To call Dracula British literature and to ignore the inherent Irishness of the novel does a great disservice to Stoker!

Anyways I really hope you enjoyed this discussion my love! Once again I apologise for how long this took to write. Also I’m sorry if this comes off as argumentative or anything, that absolutely wasn’t my intention, I just have a particular style of writing long posts haha.

#dracula #bram stoker #irish literature #british literature #bram stoker’s dracula #gothic #gothic literature #ask #ask answered #anon ask #anonymous ask #anon #anonymous #being irish is my only personality trait

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meyhew · 3 years ago

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Ppl are always so sensitive about religion as if parents aren't supposed to raise their child in any way, shape or form and instead just let it exist as a completely untouchable autonomous being? Of course the child is gonna learn certain values and customs from their family and if the family is religious then the child will be raised that way until a certain age? Religion isn't like a job where quitting is permanent, it's not like a 10 year old child can't say 'I don't wanna practice this religion' and then can't come back at 16 or whatever and be like 'maybe I do wanna practice it after all'? Yes children should be educated and raised in a way where they can decide for themselves one day but if if they feel 'trapped' in a religion it' not that religions fault but the parents fault so ppl should stop assuming stuff when they don't even know the person and their religious beliefs

right?? like. i don’t care if someone raises their kid without religion but doing so is also raising your child with a certain belief system—aka god and divinity doesn’t exist and we’re all existing in this world without a greater purpose. atheists and other non religious folks gets their panties in a twist when they see children being comfortable with religion in any way—esp when it’s muslim kids—but refuse to accept that not exposing a child to religion is also doing them a disservice. “let kids make up their own mind” ok how they will do that when you eliminate religious exposure and raise them sheltered from everything religious? no one develops an interest in something that’s entirely unfamiliar to them. and the gag in this particular instance is these weirdos being adamant that the child was forced to wear her hijab when... that’s not indicated anywhere?? she resisted when the teacher wanted to take it off. that’s not a child that’s being forced to wear it. the questions she asked her mother make that clear. but these mfs think they’re sooo much better than people who have conviction in their beliefs. newsflash, believing Only in science and what’s “proven” isn’t the flex yall think it is and a lot of science is backed up by islam. and islam did that 1400 years before anyone else did

#that person asking me to prove to them that religion/islam is real bc they can’t find it anywhere....#u think i can sum up an entire religion in a tumblr post?!!! to someone who made an entirely new blog just for my post #bc they’re too scared to have it on their main??? get outta here lmaooo #anonymous #answered

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irrlicht-writes · 4 years ago

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the path we choose to walk on Pt.2

Part 2 of my Fix-It! Do note that this is NOT THE END. There will be at least one more part (god hope please) @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @insertdeeplyrics @cass-said-i-love-you ALSO SOMEONE WANNA JOIN MY TAG LIST STILL

READ PART ONE FIRST HERE

Ao3

PART 2: a barn in which we meet

Sam is ecstatic. Eileen just revealed to him that she’s pregnant. Dean has been waiting to see Sam’s reaction and he couldn’t be happier. He’s moved out of their place a month ago and is now living in a rather crappy apartment but he’s always over at their house anyway.

I’m gonna be an uncle, Cas.

It feels weird but Sam is so happy. Sam hugs him and Dean makes sure to tell him that he’s gonna be a great Dad. Of course, Dean is going to be a greater Uncle, no two questions about it. Eileen laughs at them and it feels good to have a family. Miracle barks and Dean laughs to include the dog in the hug.

Cas would be proud of him. Dean has a job. It’s not a great job, but it’s a job outside the life. In time, he’ll make friends, too.

“He kissed you?” Sam asks three months later and Dean nods.

“What was it like?”

Dean shakes his head. He doesn’t know. David had been flirting with him for about two months now and Dean wants to explore this side of him, it’s just – it’s just difficult. He feels as if he’s done a disservice to Cas.

“It wasn’t Cas,” he says and Sam nods.

“I know, Dean, but – Cas is gone. Don’t you think he’d want you to be happy?”

Of course Cas would want that. Cas would want Dean to get a partner. Cas would want someone in Dean’s life that would do everything the angel had never been able to do – but it still feels wrong. It’s not Cas. Maybe that will be the fault with everyone: they will never be Cas.

“Go on a date with him,” Sam says, “just to see what it’s like. If you don’t like it, then stop it, yeah? But give him a chance, at least. He’s not a creeper, right?”

No, David is nice. Under different circumstances, Dean might’ve even liked him.

“We’ll see,” Dean replies and they both know that nothing will come of it.

It’s not Cas.

Eileen was eight months pregnant when Sam found a case. “Something’s killing monsters,” he says.

Normally, Dean wouldn’t be too concerned with this – monsters could kill other monsters for all he cared but this – whatever it was, it killed too many too quickly. It would make whole nests mad and then they’d beseech the town.

Dean doesn’t want Sam to go, not so shortly before the birth of his daughter but he can’t go alone, either. So they’re going to go together. If everything goes well, they don’t have to kill something. After all, whatever monster-killer is out there might not be aware of the impact of what they’re doing.

“Let’s go, then,” Dean says.

Eileen is upset about staying behind but she knows it’s better this way. “You look out for him,” she says to Dean and he laughs.

“With my life,” he promises.

It feels good to take the Impala on a long stretch again. Miracle stayed behind with Eileen and it’s just him and his little brother on the road. It almost feels like the old times. They were rushing in to save the day, heroes once more.

Cas would be proud of them.

“Know anything about that monster-killer?”

“No,” Sam says. “But get this: all the killings happen in the same place, suggesting that it’s not moving around. In fact, it might even be that the other monsters seek it out for whatever reason so maybe it’s acting in self-defense?”

Dean just nods. That might be possible.

A long time ago, he believed that all monsters were evil. But he’d been wrong. They were also just trying to survive. If they were good, they got to live. And if they were bad, they got dead. If one would look at it from this angle, it wouldn’t be that complicated at all.

It doesn’t take long to arrive at the scene. No humans have come to harm as of yet, so there’s no need to identify as the FBI again. They could just get in and get out.

“We don’t know what we’re dealing with,” Sam warns him and Dean nods. He’s not suicidal. He has his gun and he also has his angel blade. He’d be fine. Castiel’s coat is in the trunk. Dean took it with him wherever he went. He would never be too old for a comfort blanket.

It’s a barn. Somehow, Dean was expecting this. He looks around. There are no monsters than he can hear so he hopes that they’ve come at a good time. The trees though – they look odd. They are all bended outwards as if a bomb had dropped.

“Where are the bodies?”

“Maybe whoever is killing them gets rid of them after?”

Sam shrugs, and Dean mimics him. It doesn’t really matter, either.

“Stay behind me,” Dean says and Sam scoffs. He steps up next to Dean and looks at him.

“Together,” he says and Dean smiles.

They don’t get attacked when they enter. Maybe they’re not a threat to that thing. The barn has numerous holes in the ceiling so at least a little light is shining through. They cautiously walk further in. Dean is expecting an attack any second and the longer time goes on, the more anxious he gets. He just doesn’t want the monster to jump out of the dark and attack Sam. What would he tell Eileen? Dean is still crap at Sign Language.

There is a loud, and yet muffled sound and Dean points his gun at it. He looks over to Sam who just nods and Dean takes the lead. There. He can see it, nestled against the wall. It’s a blob that looks vaguely human-shaped. Its hand is outstretched but the arm is shaking and the thing looks like it’s covered in goo.

Dean lowers his gun. Whatever it is, it’s afraid. Sam steps up next to him, also putting his gun away.

“Hey,” Sam starts in a soft tone and the thing flinches, “we’re not here to hurt you.”

The hand stays outstretched for a moment but then the arm gets lowered. The poor thing is shaking.

“My name is Sam,” the thing moves a little, “and I’m here with my brother Dean.”

There is a low keening noise and Dean doesn’t know what to make of it.

“We want to help you, if we can.”

The thing falls forward on all fours and drags itself closer to them. Whatever the goo is, it clings tightly to the body and Dean feels sorry for whatever’s underneath. The thing has to stop every few inches, clearly exhausted. Dean feels for whatever it is. It starts punching its hand into the ground and Dean realises that it’s writing something down.

Where, it says.

“You’re in Kansas,” he replies and the thing turns in his direction. It shakes and Dean thinks it’s just about to collapse. How long has it been here, weighed down by this goo? How long has it waited for someone like Sam and Dean to show up?

“Hey,” he says a little softer. “We’re going to get that stuff off of you and then we can talk, like civilised people, yeah?”

The thing’s head droops a little and Dean finds it very endearing. It looks almost like a head tilt. “Okay, so,” he starts but then there are noises outside. Dean realises instantly that more monsters have come.

“Sammy,” he hisses but Sam is already in position. Dean stays close to Goo who’s heaving a little. Dean doesn’t understand why he wants to protect Goo but he finds he simply has to.

Seven guys trot in and Dean guesses that they might be Vampires. Damn, he’s packed the wrong bullets. Still, shooting them would slow them down for a moment so that he could stab them with the knife. It’s easy to slip back into the Killer Dean Winchester and he hates it. What would Cas have to say about all this?

“Ah, the Winchesters! I had believed you had retired. So sad to see I was wrong. But no worry – me and my friends will gladly help you along!”

Damn he hates vampires. They just fucking suck.

“Oh yeah? So how about you eat... this...”

They just exploded. In front of his eyes, they just exploded in a flash of light and Dean looks down at Goo. His hand his outstretched, just like before and something coils in Dean’s stomach. It couldn’t be. No, that’s just ridiculous.

Sam’s looking over at them too but Dean pays him no mind because – because Goo just slumps to the ground and Dean’s heart sinks. No. No no no no no no. Please don’t. He drops his gun and falls to the floor, grabbing Goo and lifting him up. He doesn’t care that he gets the ugly sticky stuff all over himself.

“Cas,” he whispers but Goo doesn’t reply. “Please, please. Cas, please.”

With Sam’s help, they get Goo into the car. In the back of his head, Dean isn’t looking forward to having to clean Baby from this stuff but he doesn’t really mind. If this is Cas – it has to be, it has to be – he doesn’t care at all. He slides in the backseat and Sam drives towards the nearest motel. Dean shrugs off his jacket and puts it around Goo’s shoulders, hoping to at least fool the majority of people into thinking that this was just another normal person. And if they didn’t – well they are very welcome to lick his boots.

Sam walks into the reception area of this Motel 5 and Dean tries to wake up Goo again but he’s still out like a light.

“Cas,” he says. “Cas, I’ve missed you so much. Please. Please, be real.”

His voice doesn’t sound like his own.

Together, they drag Goo into their room. Without stopping, they immediately continue on into the bathroom. There’s no tub, sadly – Sam had inquired – so the shower would have to do. They shove Goo inside and turn the warm water on. Dean doesn’t want to use cold water. Cas doesn’t deserve cold water.

“It doesn’t come off,” Dean says and Sam clenches his jaw. Why isn’t it coming off? Dean’s breath starts to pick up until Sam puts his hand on his shoulder.

“Breathe,” he reminds his brother and so Dean takes a deep breath. He nods and Sam turns the water off. The get Goo back out of the shower and haul him into the main room. They lay him upon a bed and Dean sits next to him. Sam gets on his phone, presumably to call Eileen and let her know what’s up.

“Cas,” Dean says quietly. “Please. If it’s you, then please – please give me a sign.”

There is nothing and Dean loses hope. But then he sees a small light flicker in the middle of Goo and Dean’s desperate enough to take it.

“Cas,” he says again and puts his hand on Goo’s face. “I’m here, baby. Tell me how to help you. Please. I need you back, Cas. I can’t – I’ve tried. Cas, I’ve tried to do it without you and I’m fine, y’know but it’s not – it’s not enough, y’know?

There’s this guy. David. He’s nice, yeah? He kissed me a few months ago and – I don’t know. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t – it wasn’t you. But I wanted to try. You’d want me to be happy, to find a partner that’ll love me and – I wanted to try. So I asked him out, Cas. He’s a nice guy. He makes jokes and he likes Baby and he likes Pizza and he even indulges me on my cowboy fetish. Remember when I made you wear that hat? Those were good times, Cas. Anyway, I – we, we had, uh... we had sex. It was just one time, but well, it – I don’t know. It wasn’t bad, I think – I don’t really know, I’ve never done it before, but – it was alright. It was just okay and I’ve told him as much and he looked at me and said you’re still in love with someone else and fuck, Cas, he’s right. I tried to use David as this filler, to try and get over you before I was ready and I –

Fuck, Cas. I love you. I can’t get over you; how do I even start? I think about you every day. Did you hear my prayers? I’ve never stopped. I thought, that maybe, if I pray enough, that you’d hear me someday.”

Dean leans forward and presses his forehead against Goo. It feels gross, but this is Cas.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough last time. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to bring you back. You deserve more than me and I’ll never understand why your dumb ass fell in love with me. Jack became God, y’know? You were right about him. I’m just – I’m so sad you’ll never get to experience the world now. You should’ve gotten the chance to say good-bye to him and I... I...

Cas, please. Come back to me.

I – I know I can live without you. It’ll be empty and cold and sad, but I could. The point is, Cas, I don’t want to. I don’t want to live somewhere where you do not. Even if we can’t go back to the way things were, I need to know – I need to know that you’re alive.

What’s Heaven without its best angel?

What’s the Righteous Man without his saviour?

...

Cas, please. I don’t... I don’t have any other words.

I love you.

I want to tell you.

I want to hold your hand and I want to kiss your hair and I want to be gross with you and I...

I just want you.

I just...

Please. Cas. Please...”

His throat hurts, and he cries.

At night, Dean lies next to Goo. He’s holding Goo’s hand as much as he can and he sleeps. He’s never got to sleep in the same bed as Cas before. He wishes that they would’ve had more opportunities before but it was too late now.

I’ll watch over you.

Dean wishes he could’ve watched over Castiel at least one time.

Dean wakes by someone shaking him rapidly. He doesn’t want to wake up. Miracle can walk herself. He’s dreaming about Cas walking in a field. He doesn’t want to leave the dream. But the shaking doesn’t stop. So he rolls on his back and blinks angrily at whoever woke him. Sam.

Of course it’s fucking Sam.

“Dean,” he breathes and he there’s this look in his eyes. He’s looking next to Dean and so Dean turns his head and –

“Cas,” he whispers.

Goo is gone and all that’s left is Cas.

Dean cries.

He can’t stop. He doesn’t even try.

Cas doesn’t really respond to anything when he wakes up. But Dean doesn’t care. Cas is here. Cas is alive. He’s slapped himself several times just to make sure that he was really awake. It’s hard to pry Dean away from Cas even just for a minute.

Sam is worried that Cas is so unresponsive to anything and on some level, Dean is too, but at the moment, he doesn’t care.

“Cas,” is the only thing Dean is really capable of saying and every time he does, he feels like Cas’ eyes snap in his direction at least a little. That’s good, right? That’s some sort of response and that’s good. They’ll figure it out. They always do. Team Free Will was together again and they could tackle everything.

One day after Goo turned into Cas, they made the drive back home. Dean lets Sam drive so that he can stay in the backseat with Cas. It feels so good to have his angel leaning against him. Dean had detested it, but they’ve done a test: they’ve cut Cas with the angel blade and there had been grace shimmering beneath the surface.

On the way home, Dean murmurs to Cas constantly and he wants to believe that the angel can understand him. And even if he can’t – he just wants to talk to Cas. He can’t even count the days since he’s last been so happy.

“I love you,” he whispers again and again and maybe, just maybe, Cas moves his head every time he says it.

They decide that Cas would stay at Dean’s apartment. Sam had been debating if Cas shouldn’t maybe stay with him and Eileen – after all they had a whole house. But they’d be having a baby pretty soon. Dean was able to devote himself to Cas entirely. And most importantly, Dean doesn’t want to stay away from Cas for any amount of time. He’s utterly convinced that Cas reacted to his voice in the car. Yes, maybe it had been just a coincidence but Dean needs to believe that there is more to it. Cas loves him. He loves Cas.

“Just be careful, Dean,” Sam had said while Dean clutched Cas to his chest. “If anything happens, call me.”

Dean had nodded and ascended the stairs.

Castiel is lying on his couch for most of the day. Dean wants to believe that Cas watches him. He enjoys this – being watched by Cas. It had been too long. He couldn’t stop smiling because he’s happy.

Cas is alive. Cas is here.

It’s like a dream come true.

At night, Cas lies in bed next to him and Dean presses soft kisses against his temple. He doesn’t dare do more and he’s content like this. He holds Castiel’s hand the entire night and if he wishes hard enough he can imagine that Castiel squeezes his hand back.

“Dean,” Castiel says and Dean cries.

Castiel doesn’t speak again but Dean can’t stop crying.

“Sam just called,” Dean informs Cas who is lying on the couch. Cas’ eyes flicker to him, half-understanding. “Eileen just went into labour. I wanna go there, Cas, I wanna meet my niece. Do you... do you want to come?”

He’s not expecting a response. He always wants one, but he never expects it.

“I,” Castiel says and his voice is terribly hoarse but Dean drops the phone nonetheless.

“Want,” Castiel keeps on saying before he hacks up an ugly cough. Dean cries and rushes over to him.

Cas looks at him with tired eyes, but he sees him, he looks at him, he’s here –

“Anything you want, baby,” Dean whispers. “Anything you want.”

The nurses tell Dean that Sam and Eileen are inside but that he’s not allowed to go in. They were nice enough to give him a wheelchair for Cas – as much as Dean loves to pretend he’s a strong macho man, Cas is still six feet tall and really fucking heavy.

“They’re just inside there,” Dean says to Cas who’s looking at the floor. “Sam’s gonna be a dad.”

He can scarcely believe it himself. Sammy’s going to be a dad.

“Father,” Castiel says and Dean smiles. This is good. This is so good. Castiel can hear him and he can even respond.

“I’m so proud of you, Cas.”

Castiel looks at him with his big, blue, unblinking eyes. He frowns. Fuck, Dean had missed him so much.

“Jack,” he says and tries to look around.

“He’s God now, Cas. It’s like you always said – he’s destined for great things.”

Cas looks a bit upset.

“Goodbye,” he rasps and his eyes become frantic. “Where,” he says and starts coughing.

Oh god, no no no no. Cas is coughing up the same black goo he had been covered with.

“Cas, Cas, baby, please,” Dean whines.

Cas’ whole body shakes and Dean can tell that he’s trying to reign the coughs in. His good, pure, strong angel. Cas looks up at Dean, heaving heavily with tears in his eyes.

Dean presses kisses on his face – his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, his chin.

“So good. You’re so good. We’ll fix this. I promise. We’ll fix this, together. I’m not letting you go. I’m never letting you go again, Cas.”

“Dean,” Cas says quietly and slumps against him. Dean can feel him breathing and he wraps his arms around him.

“I love you,” Dean says and Cas presses his forehead against Dean’s neck.

It takes ten hours, but then Dean officially becomes an uncle. Castiel had been asleep for a good amount of time, but at least he hasn’t coughed again. Of course, Dean is a bit worried about the sleeping but he’ll figure that out. All that matters is that he’s got Cas by his side and that he’s now got a little baby girl to spoil.

Once he gets the clear, he rolls Cas into the room and Sam and Eileen both look tired but also so, so happy. They light up even more when they see Cas.

“Cas,” Sam says and smiles at him. Cas looks up at Sam and blinks slowly.

“Sam,” he replies hoarsely.

Sam looks to Dean in utter disbelief and Dean can just smile. “Show us the baby, yeah?”

Eileen moves the blanket aside a bit so that they can take a look at the little bundle of joy. Her face is all scrunched up and she’s just adorable.

“Sammy, are you sure she’s really your daughter?”

Sam shoves him playfully. “You’re such a dick.”

“Baby,” Cas says and Eileen smiles at him.

“Do you want to hold her?”

It doesn’t seem like Cas understands at first, but then he nods. He raises his arms and Eileen places her daughter in them without a second thought. Both Sam and Dean are ready to interfere in case Cas’ arms would not be steady enough to hold the baby but it turns out they needn’t have worried.

“Hello,” Cas says to the child who wiggles a bit in his arms.

“Her name’s Maria,” Sam supplies and Castiel slowly nods.

“Maria,” he says. He slowly puts a finger on her tiny nose. His finger glows and Dean worries. What’s going on?

Cas looks at Eileen but he doesn’t move to give the baby back. Eileen just looks at him, then she slowly nods and smiles. She signs something and Cas turns his head to Sam.

“Fix,” he says. “Heart.”

“She... she has a heart problem?”

Castiel shakes his head. “Not... not anymore. I. I fix. I. Take. I...,” he closes his eyes in strain. “It’s gone now. They. Would. They would not have. Noticed. It’s small. But I. I took it.” His voice sounds like it pains him greatly. He slumps in his chair a bit but holds Maria tight.

“Dean,” he says and Dean’s by his side in a flash. “I want. I want to see Jack.”

When they are back at home, Dean prays to Jack. Cas fell asleep in the car as soon as they started driving back home and he hasn’t woken up since. But he also hasn’t coughed again which is probably a good sign.

“Hey, Jack,” Dean says, looking out the window. He’s put Cas into bed and is sitting next to him. The soft breathing behind him calms Dean and he wouldn’t move away from it for the world.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but we got Cas back. I don’t know how, if you were involved or not and if you can even hear me, but – he’s back, Jack. Cas is back.”

It still sounds like a dream.

“And he – Jack, he wants to see you. He didn’t get to say good-bye, y’know? He really misses you and, Jack, he’s – he’s sick or something. We found him covered in some black goo – you know, it kinda looked the Empty Goo thing, but I don’t – the goo is gone now, but he’s weak and he was coughing that stuff up earlier today and – I just... Jack, please come here. Fix him? He deserves it, yeah? So... just please, when you have a moment off from being God, could you... just pop in?”

Dean isn’t expecting Jack to instantly appear in the room, but – he somehow is. He sighs and turns around to Castiel fully. He’s sleeping peacefully and Dean smiles. He takes Cas’ hand and softly strokes the skin.

Miracle miracles herself into the bedroom and sniffs at Cas extensively. Cas doesn’t react to her but Dean smiles at the dog. He isn’t even sure if Cas knows that there’s a dog here. Miracle clearly doesn’t know what to make of the strange new man yet and Dean can’t blame her.

“I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you, girl,” he says and Miracle huffs. She looks at him expectantly. Dean laughs.

“But this is Cas, yeah? They guy I told you about. The guy that died? I’m sorry, girl. I’ll make it up to you when he’s better. And he’s getting better, he just needs a little more time, yeah? So... how about you help? If we both shower him with love, then he’ll get back on his feet even quicker, yeah? And then all three of us can go on a walk together.”

At the word “walk”, Miracle perked up and started wagging her tail. She then proceeds to climb up on the bed and snuggle up to Cas as if she had actually understood Dean. And he has a pretty good feeling that she actually had. Dean laughed and lays down himself, intertwining his fingers with Cas. His niece had just been born, Cas had been incredibly responsive today and everything would work out.

They just need a little more time.

A little more time, and then all of them could sit a table together, enjoying a family dinner.

#supernatural #Destiel #spn fix it #spn 15x20 #castiel #dean winchester #Sam Winchester #eileen leahy #saileen #hurt #angst #hurt/comfort #fanfiction #writing #irrlicht writes #userpris #more to come #part two

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panharmonium · 4 years ago

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I would like to add Gwaine to the list of friends Merlin had. Especially in the 3/4 seasons he really was ride or die for Merlin, they shared intimate details with each other, they truly trusted each other. There were instances where the show alluded that Gwaine knows about Merlin's magic and is fine with it.

hi there! i’m assuming this is in response to the post i reblogged about will and lancelot being merlin’s only “real” friends?

i’m actually happy to write about this, now that the question has been posed - it’s been a while since i wrote anything long about gwaine!

fair warning in advance: i don’t personally classify gwaine the same way i do will and lancelot, and that’s what this piece will cover in more detail, but these are just my own thoughts, and it is totally cool for everybody else to have different opinions. my take is my take, but it does not have to be everyone’s take - if people wanna scroll past because this isn’t their vibe, i don’t mind in the slightest. :)

so, without further ado - i LOVE gwaine, and i have written extensively about how amazing his relationship with merlin is (some examples here, here, here, and here, if anybody’s looking). he is the most likely of all merlin’s living friends to ditch arthur in the name of addressing merlin’s needs, which is super important, and he also has a much healthier friendship with merlin than arthur does (in my own personal opinion, of course, which nobody is obligated to share). he definitely does go ride or die for merlin in S3/S4, i agree.

but my own thoughts on this particular point are still the same as they were in that original post. i tend to hide my clarifications/explanations in the tags, so they might have flown by, but i’ll just copy/paste the relevant bit here for ease of access, as some background for the rest of this post.

re: will and lancelot were merlin’s only ‘real’ friends:

#what this does not mean: merlin has no other friends! merlin doesn't have meaningful and important relationships with other people! #what it does mean: #every single one of merlin's other relationships is undergirded by the sickening knowledge that those friendships are conditional #every single one of his other relationships is accompanied by the constant undercurrent of 'they would hate me if they knew' #merlin knows his friends 'care' about him #except they don't really; because it's not truly him they're caring about #they care deeply - about someone merlin made up #about a facade. #in the most basic sense #those relationships aren't Real #the love merlin feels for the people in them is real #but you cannot truly be 'friends' with somebody who doesn't even know who you are #you cannot be loved without being known #you certainly cannot be loved without being safe

obviously i suppose a person’s thoughts on this would be different if they headcanoned that gwaine knew about merlin’s magic, and that’s fine. i personally do not believe canon indicates or supports that, but i’m not out to convince people to abandon their own fanon interpretations of things; i’m happy just hanging out in my own space talking about my thoughts. me writing meta is the virtual equivalent of me talking to myself in my room - if other people have different conversations with themselves, that’s fine :) i don’t mind if other folks organize their thoughts about things differently.

in accordance with that - everybody please feel free to continue on with your own interpretations, and ignore mine if mine do not appeal to you! if people are interested about how i organize my ideas on this, though, they are essentially as follows:

1) a cage fighter, a class traitor, and a fake sorcerer walk into a tavern

ok, to start with - here’s a graph.

(...who tf starts a meta post with ‘here’s a graph’ lol i just drew a venn diagram for the first time since like...middle school...i LOVE fandom, man, this is RIDICULOUS)

anyway

this is a very rough interpretation of how i think about gwaine, lancelot, and will:

to address some of these elements individually:

lancelot and will give merlin something that gwaine can’t - safety, authenticity, the comfort of being known and seen for real, a respite from constantly qualifying every friendship with ‘they would hate me if they knew’

lancelot and gwaine, likewise, give merlin something merlin wouldn’t be as likely to get from will (if will were still alive, i mean) - an understanding of merlin’s devotion to the Crown, a supportive ally in the fight to promote arthur’s reign and keep arthur/camelot safe

will and gwaine, for their part, are more likely to tell arthur to go fuck himself, if it’s important for helping merlin, and that’s a different kind of support that merlin also really needs.

and will, on his own, gives merlin something that neither lancelot NOR gwaine can provide, which is a friend who isn’t connected to or even particularly interested in arthur pendragon (merlin has nobody in his life like this, not after will dies) - somebody who knew and cared about merlin before merlin had any proximity to arthur, before this whole ’destiny’ issue reared its merciless head.

everybody in merlin’s life matters to him and gives him something important. gwaine is STUPIDLY important to merlin. the love there is real. but in canon, because gwaine is not in the know, gwaine is still one of the people from whom merlin feels compelled to hide himself. gwaine is right up there alongside gwen, arthur, elyan, percival, etc - every other person who merlin loves, who merlin nonetheless constantly, back-of-his-mind fears, ‘they would reject me if they knew.’

the above is part of why i personally have never been too interested in ‘so-and-so knows about merlin’s magic’ canon-imaginings. there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them, and i’m sure people must have tons of fun with them - and in an AU context maybe i would have fun with them too - but as hopeful interpretations of actual canon, they don’t appeal to me. merlin’s near-total isolation and desperate, constantly-frustrated desire for real, honest love is an inalienable aspect of his character for me, one i can’t separate from who he is and why he does the things he does and why he eventually ends up in the place where we find him towards the end of the show.

2) i just want someone to see me for who i am

i have seen a bit of sentiment out there along the lines of ‘merlin should have told (x person) about their magic’ or ‘(x person) obviously doesn’t have a problem with sorcerers,’ but i guess i personally don’t think it’s as clear as all that, and i think me saying it is would be doing merlin a disservice.

merlin’s desire to be seen/known/accepted is literally the most base urge he has. if he truly thought he could tell somebody safely, he would.

i think merlin knows the people in his orbit well enough to know how they feel about sorcery, at least in a general sense. and even if they aren’t bloodthirsty bigots like uther, they aren’t exactly welcoming magic with open arms, either. at the most basic, elementary level, merlin understands something that we don’t like to think about: none of his friends ever challenge arthur on the sorcery ban or express any dissatisfaction with the political status quo, and, even absent outright bigotry, this fact speaks loudly enough in and of itself. merlin’s friends might not be out clamoring for sorcerers’ blood, but they aren’t criticizing a society that criminalizes sorcery, either, and they are never shown to have a problem with the way things are, even though the way things are is wrong.

The Way Things Are is, in fact, unjust. it’s oppressive. and allowing that state of affairs to continue, unquestioned and unchallenged, when you have access to the king’s ear and aren’t personally in danger of being persecuted, indicates that you’re okay with the injustice. that you’re comfortable with the oppression. that you don’t see a problem with the status quo, and that you're unbothered enough by it to let it be.

it doesn’t matter that merlin’s friends have never straight-up said ‘boy, magic sure is evil’ onscreen. they never say that camelot’s policies are wrong, and that delivers a clear enough message on its own.

3) it is not a crime to fight for your freedom

to bring this back to gwaine specifically, since that was originally the focus of this ask -

for me, for all that i adore gwaine, and for all that i think he was, for the most part, an INCREDIBLY sound, healthy relationship for merlin, the truth is that gwaine is as much a part of this problem as everyone else. does that mean i personally think gwaine would have summarily dumped merlin if he’d found out merlin had magic? no. but i don’t think it’s as uncomplicated as maybe we wish it might be, and i think merlin has every right to be as uncertain of gwaine on this issue as he does of everyone else.

for one thing, like i said before, even gwaine, who used to have fewer qualms than any of the knights about pushing back on arthur’s BS, has never said a word about camelot’s injustices, or ever acknowledged that the laws of the land are unjust to begin with.

for another, there are specific moments that kind of make you wonder.

5.05 (’the disir’) is a good example of this - when gwaine finds osgar in the woods, the two of them have this exchange:

you are a sorcerer, a heretic, and a murderer.

the rhetoric of this sentence frames all three of these things as equivalent entities - criminal ones.

to pick this apart more carefully:

a) sorcerer

it’s worth noting here that we’re never told osgar has done anything worse than evading arrest for the crime of being a known sorcerer. when leon mentions him in the council meeting, the conversation consists solely of the following:

“as you know, a few days ago our garrison in the forest of breckfire intercepted the man who goes by the name of osgar.”

“the sorcerer.”

“the same. they were trying to apprehend him when he used his powers to escape.”

and…that’s it. osgar’s crime, as far as we know, was simply being a sorcerer (and then, after that, attempting to escape an unjust arrest, thereby killing a knight in the process). there’s no mention of any other activities that would have warranted his arrest in the first place, other than the possession of magic.

but magic, even on its own, IS a crime in camelot - and gwaine levels the accusation at osgar as such.

b) heretic

that’s a hell of a word to throw around, if you think sorcery is chill.

“heretic” isn’t a mild accusation. "heretic” has vitriolic severity behind it. people are accused of heresy when they’re perceived to be in brazen defiance of what is (in the eyes of the accuser) unquestionably right and correct. “heretic” is like…it’s like blasphemer. the connotation is not just that something is bad, but that it’s sinful.

for gwaine, either osgar’s association with sorcery and/or his defiance of camelot’s army makes him a heretic. and that’s not something a person who is down with sorcery or supportive of a magic-user’s struggle for freedom would say.

c) murderer

if gwaine were cool with sorcery, we would expect him to understand that a sorcerer who resisted arrest for the crime of being a sorcerer isn’t a murderer.

it’s like kara said in 5.11 - it is not a crime to fight for the right to be who you are.

camelot has been killing sorcerers for decades. osgar mortally wounded a soldier (not an innocent civilian, i might note) who was trying to imprison him. he was resisting the armed forces of an oppressive state. that’s not murder.

somebody who understands that camelot is an oppressive regime wouldn’t think of this as murder. they would understand that it is not a crime to protect your own life when the state has literally been trying to exterminate your people for years. and even if osgar had been engaged in rebellious activities against the state (which as far as we know is not the case - nothing like this is ever referenced!), they would understand that people with magic have long been overdue for a righteous uprising.

but gwaine is a little more like arthur, in this moment - he sees the “wrong” that osgar has done (in the form of sir ranulf’s death) without seeing the thousands upon thousands of wrongs that camelot visited upon the magical community first.

4) you can’t go armed into a sacred place

the rest of this episode is similar. gwaine pays just as little heed to merlin’s warnings as the rest of the knights, when merlin admonishes them that the disir’s cave is sacred. gwaine doesn’t relinquish his sword or take special care upon entering the cave. in fact, he is the one who outright interrupts the disir while they’re speaking - as they’re telling arthur a series of hard truths, that he’s persecuted magic-users, “even unto slaughter;” that he’s desecrated their space: “you come here, to the most sacred of the sacred, to the very heart of the Old Religion, with weapons drawn - trampling hallowed relics - treating our sacred space like you do your kingdom - with arrogance - with conceit - with insolence - ”

and gwaine cuts them off, pushing to the front of the group and shouting at them “enough! you speak of the king!” and that’s when the fight starts, when mordred gets stabbed.

someone who was fully accepting of magic, or who knew anything about it at all, would not have behaved this way. they would not have bristled at hearing how arthur’s regime unfairly persecutes the magical community. they would have known that it was true.

5) i just want to be myself

the above is just one example, but it’s a clear enough one to illustrate what i mean. gwaine IS an amazing friend to merlin. he does treat merlin well. and merlin loves him to death. but gwaine is NOT totally chill with magic. i’m not saying he actively hates it, but he is not, from what merlin has witnessed, entirely safe. merlin loves him, but he can’t be himself around him.

and i do think that pains merlin terribly. all these people who he loves so much, and every time he’s with them there’s always that whisper: ‘this is a charade. all the love in my life is a lie. they only like me because they don’t know me. if they knew who i really was, this would be over.’

and we wonder why he never tells anyone. we tell him he ‘should’ have told gwaine, gwen, morgana, arthur, like it would have been easy, or even possible, for him to ever consider putting himself in a position where he could lose what precarious, partially make-believe connections he has.

merlin, in the later seasons, when he worries about his magic being exposed, isn’t afraid of being executed. he’s afraid of becoming even more alone than he is now. and he has good reason to feel that way - even people who appear to put him first aren’t fully on board with the thing that makes him who he is. and merlin knows this. he’s seen it. none of his friends are out fighting for people like him at court. some of his friends shake their heads and assure arthur “you are a good and just king” when arthur expresses concern that maybe the disir are right, maybe he has indeed transgressed. some of merlin’s friends used to buck the system in defense of the powerless, but now they defend the regime even when the accusations levelled against it by an oppressed population are true.

merlin knows that revealing himself is a kind of risk that could very plausibly end with him utterly disowned. every single friendship he has is subject to this justified fear, this bitter knowledge. merlin has every reason to doubt the soundness of his relationships.

and, circling back to the thing that started all these musings - the only friends who never made him feel that way were will and lancelot.

that’s all i mean when i say that will and lancelot were merlin’s only “real” friends. i wish there were a better word to use than that, because i really don’t mean it like…as if merlin’s relationships with other people weren’t…valid, or important, or based on true love and care. they were. but there’s just not a better way to express that will and lancelot were the only people who ever even knew who they were friends with, who saw merlin for exactly who he was and said “i love you still.” they were the only ones whose friendship was something merlin didn’t have to be afraid of losing solely for existing.

i always think of morgana’s line in 2.11 - ‘i don’t want to be brave. i just want to be myself. i don’t want to be alone anymore.’

around everyone else, merlin has to be brave. he has to keep up the pretense, which means even when he’s surrounded by friends, he’s completely isolated.

with will and lancelot, though, he could be himself. with will and lancelot, he wasn’t alone.

6) post-script

i really appreciate being given the opportunity to muse to myself about this in more detail - i actually needed to think through some things regarding gwaine anyway, for writing purposes, and this was actually really helpful in organizing my brain. so thanks, anon, for the prompt!

i know my answer probably runs counter to your own interpretation of things, but as i said, this is just my own personal outlook. i typed it up because the message got me thinking, and because i know i have a couple of friends who might find it interesting, but my thoughts apply only to me, and i do not mind at all if folks think about these things differently! nobody is obligated to agree with anything i write, or give it any further thought, or even read it at all - we’re all going to engage with this story in different ways, so if anybody finds that this isn’t their cup of tea, please feel free to scroll on by, and keep having fun with this show in whatever way makes you happiest! :)

#tumblr is doing something weird and not letting me use read-more's in posts that are replies to an ask #i was able to screenshot the last ask i replied to and just turn the whole thing into a text post with a read-more #because i knew the sender would see it anyway #but i'm not sure an anon will see this without getting the notification #sorry this is a #long post #i will play with it more and see if i can get the cut to actually show up #=/#the once and future slowburn #you're the only friend i've got #meta #replies #the bravest and most noble of them all #no kings no masters

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furubabes · 4 years ago

Text

Okay. Somebody Asked. @shoujobell and @cryptidaicat, y’all encouraged this. I’m gonna tag this #long post if you wanna filter.

So here. I got the urge to write and so I ranked the Fruits Basket couples from my favorite to least favorite. These aren’t my complete thoughts because I could honestly do multiple full meta posts on each pairing, but I tried to justify and explain all my choices. Standard disclaimer, this is subjective and we can agree to disagree.

Part 1: Just the reasonably popular ones

1. Kyoru: Someone’s gonna call me unoriginal for this but it’s fine. Kyoru is the main romance of Fruits Basket! They bring out the best in each other and build each other up as characters. Kyoru is basically my gold standard take on Sunshine Girl x Grouchy Dude, and I’m not even usually into that trope otherwise. Their romance is one of the few that feels so genuinely necessary to the story. They love each other and like each other. Kyo understands Tohru in a way no one else in the narrative does, and vice versa. They’re in love like soulmates and also like awkward teenagers. Kyoru invented romance. If it’s boring to like healthy romances with realistic development, I’ll be boring.

2. Tohrin: If Tohru didn’t end up with Kyo I would only want her to be with Rin. I guess they have some of the same appeal as Kyoru for me - Rin reads Tohru in a way a lot of people don’t. I also like how honest and raw they are with each other. They yell! They fight! Rin is down to just straight up knock Tohru over to keep her from rushing off. Also, they’re both absolute fashion icons. Goth x Prep rights. I firmly believe Tohru Honda is bisexual.

3. Yukeru: This is my favorite Yuki pairing. I followed @yunsoh way back when the reboot first started and her blog has got me absolutely hooked on Yukeru. I think Yuki’s arc would have just made a ridiculous amount of sense if he was gay. It screams comphet. Kakeru is an excellent complement to Yuki, and their bond feels incredibly natural. Honestly I feel like it’s the most organic romantic development outside of Kyoru. I think realistically they wouldn’t have gotten together until post-canon and frankly Yuki shines in his friendships much more than romances, so I’m not absolutely dying for them to be together, but if Yuki’s going to date anyone Kakeru is my pick.

4. Arisaki: Man... I just like them. They strike me as less of an epic love and more of a comfortable partnership. I also read them both as lesbians anyway lol. Honestly I think they both had feelings for Tohru at one point and bonded over it. The way I picture them happening is honestly just Arisa at 25 frantically googling “is it gay to hold hands with my girl roommate who I spend all my time with and also we never date men“ because Saki bought them rings that look like wedding bands but they could just be super close friendship rings and oh god she’s in too deep. They’re dating for four years before they notice.

5. AyaMine: But Jessie! You literally never post about this pairing! Yeah, you’re right. I never think about them actively. But when ranking the canon ships I realized that I like the two of them together because they’re chill and understated. They’re huge loud personalities on their own but as a couple, they just feel like two people who are happy together and like spending time with one another. No drama, no mess, very understated. No plot contrivances driving their relationship. Good for them.

6. YukiKyo: Okay, so I can be convinced to put on my YukiKyo goggles more often than not. It feels iffy because there’s debate about how closely related all the Sohmas are and these two are called “cousins” a lot in school, but since half of the Sohmas are dating each other anyway, I err on the side of them being more of a clan than a proper blood family. Anyway, YukiKyo is my designated angst fuel. I think it would realistically be pretty one-sided from Yuki’s side, since we see him wanting Kyo’s approval from a very young age, but I like exploring the what-ifs of their lives if they’d been friends instead of rivals. In canon, I like to think that after high school they’re not best friends in the traditional sense, but either one could show up with a dead body and the other would help them bury it, no questions asked.

7. Yuchi: Really? Yuki’s wife is my third favorite pairing for him? Look, I adore Machi, and I still like Yuchi. But as I’ve been watching the reboot and reading others’ metas, I think I agree that their relationship could have been very powerful as a platonic one, sort of running parallel to Yuki and Tohru. I like them together but I think there wasn’t quite time for a complete character arc for Machi and her growth sort of begins and ends with Yuki. I don’t object to them being a couple in canon and I think they’re genuinely very sweet, but once again, I think Yuki stands out in his friendships more than anything. I would have liked to see Machi strike out on her own a little more.

8. Haru x Yuki: I don’t have any particular feelings towards them but I love their dynamic already and I think as a couple they’d both be really easygoing and comfortable with each other. I think a childhood crush turned close friendship is honestly the narrative that works best for them so I have no need for the two to date canonically, but every time they interact in the anime it gets a laugh out of me. They’re cool. They’d make a very pretty pair.

9. Mayutori: I’m Mayutori-neutral. I think they suffer from Fruits Basket’s pair the spare syndrome, but out of the side pairings that don’t have too much impact, they’re one I enjoy. Mayu’s fun as a character, and painfully relatable, and I like that Hatori’s eventual romance isn’t with someone who reminds him of Kana or something like that. I also want good things for Hatori. Mayutori has serious heterosexual energy though. I’m not saying this as a pro or con, they’re just very straight.

10. Hatsuzu: Okay, Haru and Rin aren’t this far down because I hate them. I’m perfectly fine with them being together in canon. But I think their romance almost... functions better as individual motivation for their character arcs than it does as an actual relationship, if that makes sense? Rin’s backstory episode is heartbreaking and her motivation to protect Haru is compelling and sympathetic, but their actual scenes together just don’t move me that much. Their romance is the least interesting part of either character for me.

11. Hiro x Kisa: Yeah I never got into it that much. It’s cute, it’s a sweet depiction of childhood crushes, but I’m not a fan of the idea of them ending up together. Kisa’s a cutie and Hiro is entertaining but the two of them together don’t actually do much for me. The dynamic between them is almost like if someone did Kyoru with none of the nuance. Ultimately though, they’re kids. I don’t expect them to have a deep and complex romance.

12. Yukiru: I think it would be a disservice to their characters if they were a couple. People far more eloquent than me have already written plenty of meta on why Yuki and Tohru aren’t what the other needs romantically, so I won’t get into it, but basically I just think their canon friendship is so beautiful and meaningful that I wouldn’t want to change it. Yuki and Tohru support my thesis that not all soulmates are romantic.

13. Tohru x Momiji: Welcome to the subjective dislike corner! This pairing is reasonably popular among people theorizing who Tohru would be with if not Kyo, but for some reason it just sits poorly with me. I can’t rank it any lower because there’s nothing evil or morally wrong about it! I just really don’t like it. I’ve quit a few fics because this pairing came up and I just can’t enjoy it.

14. Kakeru x Komaki: Idk, I just think Kakeru latching onto the one girl who was nice to him and put up with his bullshit and then being with her forever isn’t compelling. Komaki’s also probably his beard. She’s likable as an individual though.

15. Akigure: There’s plenty to say about the age gap, Shigure being in love with Akito since she was a fetus because of The Dream, the implications of a 15-18 year old knowing he’d one day want to be with a then-10-year-old... yeah, you get it. But even if I was able to put all that aside because Soulmate Destiny Logic, I still don’t think I’d like Akigure. I think they’re interesting as bitter, codependent exes, but I don’t like the idea of Akito ending up with anyone who she abused or who abused her. I think she has so much growing to do as a character and staying in a relationship within the Sohma family to do it can’t be healthy for her. I can’t see them living happily ever after, nor do I really want to.

16. Kurisa: I think what frustrates me the most here is that I want to like Kureno and everything about this romance is written to dull his most interesting traits. First of all, the age gap. Yeah, it’s gross, I don’t like it. But even past that, the love at first sight, instant fixation with each other, and lack of actual chemistry just kills me. Arisa’s stated reason to like Kureno is that he reminds her of Tohru, basically piggybacking off the chemistry she and Tohru already have, and his total lack of agency means the plot just sort of carries him along. It frustrates me that Takaya could have done something pretty cool by making them simply friends who have a chance encounter and then build a friendship from there that parallels Kureno’s abusive dynamic with Akito. It would be neat if a stranger’s kindness was the push Kureno needed to get himself out of the Sohmas’ grasp, without all the nonsensical drama about them being in love. It would also be less of a disservice to Arisa, who basically just spends the whole series pining for Kureno after they meet and I hate it. I could write a whole post about this. Maybe I will sometime.

17. Kyoko x Katsuya: I don’t think their story is romantic. I think it’s tragic for Kyoko, and if it were framed that way within the narrative, I wouldn’t object so much to its existence. But... Takaya just really likes age gaps with a younger woman and an older man, so the narrative romanticizes this man marrying his student. Katsuya can be depicted as well-meaning as you want, but he’s still got a ridiculous amount of power over Kyoko. She was also still pretty young when she had Tohru, which doesn’t make things any better because it’s clear that the relationship turned physical when Kyoko was a teen, thus dashing the idea of Katsuya legally marrying her to save her but not actually doing anything creepy. I wish Fruits Basket framed this as a story of Kyoko escaping one dangerous situation by entering a relationship with a huge power imbalance, because that happens to girls all the time and it’s tragic and compelling. The events of the story could stay the exact same and if the framing changed I would be fine with it. But this is not that. This is just a really romanticized teacher/student age gap. I’m not into it.

Part 2: Rarepairs, weird shit, and others (oh my!)

1. Yuki x Kakeru x Kimi: OT3. I’m enamored with the idea of this hot mess polycule.

2. Momiji x Kimi: Chaos meets chaos. This couple would say uwu without any irony and also steal your car keys. They’re both perceptive and smart hidden under a layer of cute and I’d wanna watch them play 4D chess with each other.

3. Kazuma x Kunimitsu: Idk how old Kunimitsu is so if he’s like 20, strike this one from the record. But I saw one post once that was like Kyo slowly realizing Kazuma and Kunimitsu were gay and had been dating for years and it was funny as hell.

4. AyaTori: It’s cute. Opposites attract, black and white hair, and Aya only listens to Hatori anyway. It’s just fun to think about.

5. Megumi x Hiro: They don’t interact in canon I just think Goth x Punk-Ass Bitch is a great concept.

6. Motoko x Nao: They’re both loud as hell and Nao having a gf that towers over him is funny. Maybe Yuki would finally get some peace.

7. Machi x Kimi: I don’t see them actually being compatible in canon but I think they could have a really homoerotic college friendship.

8. Hajime x Mutsuki: This is just YukiKyo, the non angst version.

9. Akito x Hanajima: I’m so wary of shipping Akito with anyone but this is kind of fun. The two are friends in canon and Hana isn’t remotely afraid of Akito. Plus Akito never abused Hana. I can sort of see it.

10. Hiroshi x Yusuke: Makes no sense, wouldn’t be relevant, but if those two just never spent any time apart and continued being a pair for life it would be a really good bit.

11. Akitohru: I don’t think it’s healthy to date anyone who’s previously stabbed you.

12. Kazuma x Hanajima: Stop. Go to jail. Hana’s one-sided crush is funny though.

#fruits basket #fruits basket spoilers #long post #my posts.txt

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