#i don’t think my heart can handle it
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anon are they gonna kill rex be honest with me
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Does your brain ever put information together just to hurt you?
Because mine just did.
I was thinking about how much Crosshair values loyalty and how much betrayal hurts him. Then I was thinking about my headcanon that he has awful taste in men and my other headcanons that he feels very deeply and falls for someone super fast and super hard…
Then my brain was like “wow if one of his exes ever cheated on him he was probably DEVASTATED.”
So now I’m sad.
#this actually fits a little bit with my Modern AU’s extended lore#if someone cheated on Crosshair and broke his heart I don’t think that person would ever be found again once his siblings find out#like yeah Crosshair can obviously handle himself he’s literally a sniper and elite enhanced clone soldier#but first and foremost he is the batch baby#I just KNOW Wrecker would be out for blood#meanwhile tech is researching things that would probably get him out on a watchlist#Hunter and Echo probably ‘just want to talk to him’#but we all know the real person to fear would be Omega#because NO ONE makes her brothers upset and gets away with it#star wars tbb#star wars the bad batch#the bad batch#tbb crosshair#tbb headcanons#bad batch headcanon#bad batch headcanons#crosshair headcanon
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I go off about Catholic/christian religious influencers of all kinds and I do so for many reasons but one of the main ones is just. the feeling they’re selling (and it is a feeling and they’re selling it, even if just for views) it doesn’t feel like that for everyone. That whole simplistic set-up of struggle struggle struggle, breakthrough, clarity, emotional peace, tears streaming down the face. That’s not real. Or at least it’s not real much of the time in MANY cases and even when it is real that isn’t the only part or the most important part of having a relationship with God. It’s probably the least important part, the feeling. and so it fills me with RAGE when the emotional part of religion is sold and packaged and paraded and presented on Instagram as “inspiration”! it distorts the whole reality of a relationship with God and puts a literal and figurative Instagram filter over the whole thing.
#I mean. pray in silence where your Father who is in Heaven can see you. like??????#I’m sure I’m getting the direct reference wrong but.#anyways it just bugs me so much because I’m a highly emotional and intense person and religious experiences just aren’t like that for me#and faith isn’t like that for me. and it just isn’t this soft-hearted feel-good thing all the time!!!!!!!! most of the time it isn’t#and it makes me feel sooooooo bad and awful when some Instagram influencer with woman femininity or grace in her handle#shows up in my feed ready to talk about the waters that the Lord has led her through#like I can’t even begin to articulate my own journey with God#nor do I feel compelled to do so. but seeing other people do it makes me feel so instantly awful and alienated#and …. grubby#it makes me feel grubby because I am not seeing the world through soft pastels and lens flares#and because I don’t experience God’s love for me as a feeling#never have probably never WILL#and it’s just upsetting and maddening and I think it’s so bad for the culture#also I’ve started reading a little bit of st. Francis de sales every night#much against my will at first because pretty much all spiritual reading makes me bristle and makes me anxious#but honestly it’s been so good and he finds that kind of insta-influencing DEAD#because it isn’t fake and it isn’t performative and it is practical#and generally it’s realistic and hopeful and simple#anyway just ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. I have so many feelings about this
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Yesterday definitely wasn’t our day, but the hate Manu’s gotten on social media (not on tumblr, but we already know footyblr is the best) since is unbelievable. I’ve seen people calling for him to retire because the football’s left him, insisting that he’s overrated and “can’t save anything”. And I know this happens all the time in football—I understand us Bayern fans are all frustrated with our performance against Barça. But is one match all it takes to turn on a legend? Really?
And honestly, even if that is your opinion, that’s ok. I just don’t really get how some fans feel the need to comment on Manu’s posts how “finished” they think he is. What does that solve, anyway? He won’t retire just because some fans want him to, and if this is about getting the best out of him, this is probably the worst way to do it. It’s unnecessary at best and awfully cruel at worst. He’s as much a human being as any of us, but I think sometimes people forget that in the heat of the moment.
#I don’t normally post my own opinions on here outside of asks#but even though I know he can handle it it breaks my heart seeing how people have been treating him#it bothers me in general how some fans treat footballers after tough matches and I guess I just needed to get that out there#and while I don’t think legends are immune to criticism#i think it’s interesting how quickly some fans seem to forget everything certain players have given to the club#manuel neuer
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NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK I’M NOT ENOUGH
#but literally like#that’s exactly what happens now#AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOU’RE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY#LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy#‘i deserved to move on’ ‘you think it was easy to move on’ IDGAF you still moved on??????#YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN’T CALL ME BACK#the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!!#all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didn’t i fucking say?????? didn’t i fucking say you were gonna leave me again#and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!!#you couldn’t handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them#i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore#AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE#literally you’re fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore#you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again#the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again#‘you’ll find someone else eventually’ i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you#i am literally and have never been enough and you don’t care#v#belle speaks
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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Worried Dads Looking at their Son Who’s Going Through a Lot and is Spiraling, and They Can’t Do Anything:
My guys may fumble sometimes when handling Sora’s emotions, but it’s so clear they care and are so worried for him. Like. I’m glad to see it through all the games and not just when in KH 3 they were literally begging for Sora to take them with him to the RoD because they couldn’t imagine a life without Sora in it because it would be so dim and unhappy and they can’t lose him and-
#kingdom hearts#chain of memories#me playing chain of memories#I love Donald and Goofy so much. my guys are the caring dads that just want you to be safe but#struggle in handling your emotions bc you’re going through A LOT and tho they’re right beside you they don’t know what to do#to really help you. all they can do is stand beside you and protect you and help you stand tall and push on.#and sometimes that’s what you really need. and I think it’s what Sora needs. people to help him push through. and Goofy and Donald are one#I mean TWO of those people. I’m. sad.
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why does every period feel like overtime
#I don’t think I can handle an actual overtime period tbh#my heart can’t take this anymore#canucks lb#canucks#vancouver canucks
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not to be a downer but I am suuuuuuper worried that because Hunter is going through it and is pissed he's going to say something to Echo blaming him for what happened to Tech.
I am not prepared for that kind of pain.
#like in a moment out of anger and I don’t think he will mean it#but still#Like I don't want it to happen#but I can see it happening#saw plenty of people blaming Echo for even coming to see them and coming for help with intel#and now I have a new fear that is unlocked#I would probably lose my mind with absolute sorrow if this happened#It's just like... how separate Echo was from Hunter and Wrecker at the end in the last scene#it got me thinking#and the thoughts were not nice#haha this would never happen#right?#someone tell me it won't happen#pls#he's already probably feeling so guilty#and so sad#and having a part of his family blame him and say it out loud to him would break his heart and I can not handle that#honestly maybe it is because I am a writer who loooooves angst#and my current series contains so much family drama#the bad batch#tbb echo#tbb hunter#tbb tech#echo bad batch#tech bad batch#hunter bad batch
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Feel free to skip on past this, I’ve just gotta ramble for a minute bc i cant stop thinking about this kid from work last week. They were so much like me at that age (5-6th grade) that I didn’t know how to interact with them? I didn’t know what to say to them bc I don’t know what I needed to hear back then, what I would’ve WANTED to hear? What would I have even listened to? They were almost entirely silent and looked out at the world with a hesitant curiosity, but would pull back so fast as soon as you tried to interact w them. Little to no eye contact, face hidden in hair, always looking down, following others until they could strike off on their own and just quietly explore. Intently focusing on drawing any chance they got. We did an art project and they hunched over their piece the entire time and wouldn’t let any of us see it in progress, refusing to look up or acknowledge us if we asked to see it or to know what it was. Idk. I barely interacted w them while they were with us for those few days bc I didn’t know how? It almost hurt to try? It was like looking back into a time machine and i didn’t know how to tell them that it does get better,,, I still don’t even know if where I am is better, some days feel so unsure that I don’t think I’ve made any progress at all. But seeing that kid, idk. I’ve come pretty far. And it DOES get better. Maybe it’s not the best now, or even that great at all, but it’s better. I wish I could’ve told them but I don’t think they’d have wanted to hear it anyway
#im a rambling sam#I’m in a weird place again since getting here for this season of work#idk maybe I’ve been in a weird place all year probably#I don’t think I’m that far from where I was at that age but I know I am there’s just still so much further to go#one day I think it’ll feel easier but maybe not today#I do love working w kids but I’m considering going into horticulture instead of outdoor education bc I don’t know if I can handle this#I can#but god I don’t know#in my heart I’m still that exact kid and she’s still in there so damn anxious and unsure and needing to observe the world and everyone in it#just to get some sense of understanding of just what the fuck is going on around here#but by the time I’ve gotten a good handle on what is going on everything is already so set in place and my place is outside the system and I#I don’t know how to step into it#sorry sorry I’m still rambling I’m having a weird day I probably just haven’t eaten nearly enough in the last few days and I’m about to#start teaching on my own this week which is terrifying and I can’t stop thinking abt that damn kid I wish they stayed longer I think#we probably would’ve gotten along#but groups only come here for a couple days and then go home which is v weird after having the same kids for 3 weeks for summer camp#idk life gets better and it gets worse and sometimes u grow into the world a little more but there’s still a mute child in your ribcage#little hands pressed up against ur ribs like laying a palm against a bus window#I put my hand over my sternum as if we could press our hands together thru time#when I was that age I used to pretend to have someone around me like an imaginary friend but usually it was a book character that I liked#and I’d talk to myself in my head like having a conversation and giving myself motivation and assurances from someone else to me#and now I’m here and I still talk to myself like that but without the imagined friend as a buffer I just talk to myself in my head#now I’m the imaginary friend for the little Sam that lives in my chest#when I talk to myself I’m talking to her#I’m giving her the assurance she needed back then#the assurance I still need now#I am here for her so I am here for myself#this is getting poetically nonsensical maybe it’s time for bed
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Ji Hyun is completely fine.
Ji Hyun is just recovering in the hospital.
Ji Hyun was just so traumatized he doesn’t surf any more.
Ji Hyun is just out of frame.
Ji Hyun is still surfing, Jae Won is just waiting for him.
YES IM BARGAINING. I NEEDED TO FIND A WAY TO STOP THE TEARS!
#I haven’t cried this hard over a show in a while#the visual parallel killed me#I’m tearing up again#dammit if he’s actually dead I don’t think my heart can handle it#the eighth sense#the eighth sense series#kdrama#queer media#Asian drama#BL drama#Korean BL#BL series#lgbtqia#queer series#im ji sub#oh juntaek#jae won x ji hyun#turns out gays by the sea is my all time favourite brand of media
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hello beautiful
#original aurie posts!#naruchan tag#was scrolling through instagram and saw her 🥰#because i feel like if i saw naru with that gorgeous confident dare i say even flirtatious smile i think i would just die on the spot.#ma’am please don’t look at me like that my heart can’t handle it#SORRY CAN YOU TELL THE CRAMPS ARE REALLY GETTING TO ME. I’LL BE NORMAL IN A FEW HOURS I PROMISE
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Playing oblivion for the first time ever, currently in the beginning dungeon, doing a variant of a trick my grandpa figured out while playing Skyrim for one of his reruns.
When he got to the bear in the tutorial/opening, he stealthed, then jerryrigged his Xbox controller with a hairtie to have it walk directly into a wall and left it while he played on his laptop or got some food, so when he left the dungeon, he would max stealth.
The same effect can be achieved on a PC version of Oblivion, using a bit from a stick on plastic wall hook, and a necklace that was a gift from said grandpa.
#fun fact I couldn’t even listen to the theme song of the game for 6 or so years after he died because it would bring me to tears#He min maxed all potion combos man was an alchemist on that GRIND#he mained Khajiits bc he liked shooting in the dark. He was an archer main 100%#I think about his save file on my Xbox sometimes. I haven’t touched it.#I think about digital ghosts sometimes and get a bittersweet feeling#You guys ever hear about the dude who used to play a race car game with his dad until he passed and raced his ‘ghost’?#His dad was always faster than him and the game had a mechanic where the fastest time was given a form you could see and try to beat#and one day he almost beat it but slammed on the brakes to make sure he never erased it#shiny speaks#I haven’t touched Skyrim since he died. I don’t know if my heart can handle it#there’s a poem in here somewhere
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🪴Strelitzia
9. Could you be roommates with this character?
20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?
(For this)
9. Yes, I could definitely be roommates with Stelitzia. She meets all my qualifications for friendship (gay, traumatized, mentally ill /hj). The real question you should be asking is if she could be roommates with me.
She I’ve seen her room. I’ve seen how clean it is, how many plants she has. Well, I’m certainly not a person who can maintain a clean space and literally every house plant I’ve touch (except for 2) died promptly… I wish I was kidding… I had a cacti once… it didn’t last long….
I think maybe we could find a way to make it work but I don’t know lol
20. Maybe not the ‘ideal best friend’ but I’ve wanted her and Sora to be friends for ages actually. Like in, I want to say late 2020, I started making a comic where they were both lost spirits who bumped into each other and became ‘ghost friends’ and helped each other work through stuff.
Then years later the KH4 trailer came out and I screamed.
I never finished any pages (only thumbnail sketches), and because I didn’t used to save WIPs, when my old iPad died last year I lost all the pages I’d been working on (though I’d stopped working on it ages ago at that point) and all evidence that I had done this.
Long story short though, I think they’d be good friends and I’m so happy canon seems to agree.
Come on, think about it. Strelitzia can teach Sora gay people exist and that it’s okay to be upset. Sora can help Strelitzia combat some of that social anxiety and make some friends. It’s a good balance. I think they could help each other out.
#My space is so cluttered and Strelitzia’s is so neat I can’t imagine her being able to handle my stuff everywhere lol#and my plant curse would not bode well for her hobby#‘hey can you water this for me?’ ‘sure’ *plant turns to dust*#I’m still dying about the comic thing#like how dare I not have the foresight to save that especially after the trailer came out#I mean I guess I wasn’t expecting my iPad to suddenly croak like it did but I don’t even think I have a screenshot#kh strelitzia#kh sora#kingdom hearts#kh#sometimes i think about khux
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.
#i cleaned my room i washed the dishes i completed my work paperwork#i started my homework and had a little walk. and i feel fucking fantastic!!!#my body is definitely not in good condition though#i don’t want to exercise because i don’t think my body can handle that yet#so i’m starting with talks to build resistance#*walks#keeping my body healthy is a priority right now because of my work#also cutting off fast food and i’m just gonna cook more#don’t really feel the need to drink caffeine which is something my therapist said would happen#truly feeling great emotionally like my feelings are balanced#i felt a bit of anxiety while i was watching the dishes but it quickly went away#and i think it’s because my body started aching#my heart is in good condition so it’s definitely the fact i don’t exercise#can’t wait to walk more#and then start exercising#also haven’t had intrusive thoughts today!!!#i mean not to say i won’t have them anymore because i just started treatment for my ptsd#but i’m basking on the feeling right now#here’s to healing!!!#slowly but surely#logan.txt#adventures in adhd#healing from trauma
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LMAO QUICK. WIPE YOUR TEARS BEFORE SOMEONE SEEEESSS YOUUU
#vent#:) !! dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I am in my feelings and I am feeling so many feelings like my heart being torn from my chest and pounded into the floor#and a rage so sickening that I can only get rid of by mutilating someone’s flesh with my teeth and nails#fuck fuck fuck man fucking shit everytime I start to open myself up to someone and share what’s at the core of my being#I let my guard down and shit happens!! why can’t I be normal!! why do I get so attached!!! so fucking needy!!!!!! why do I CARE so deeply#when I’m so easy to be ignored? honestly what am I doing here!! I’m forgettable!!! honestly!!#why talk to me??? what am I contributing AT ALL to the conversation?? I’m not interesting. I have no ideas. YOU have a hard time under me?#how do you think *I* feel?? do you think I know who I am?? what I believe?? what I desire??#why even BOTHER wanting for anything!! I dream of the absolute bare minimum life for myself!! I want to not die and live with my friend!!#maybe even MULTIPLE friends if I’m so lucky!!! do you know how much I’ve thought about it? how stupid of a fucking dream really truly#what are the chances of that coming true? who would want to spend more than a few hours. with me?#and so what?? if I can’t even achieve the bare fucking minimum dream ever then??? what’s the point??? what am I then??? if you think I have#ANY skills. you are mistaken!! I don’t know how to do anything!!! except cry over no response to my messages for TWO FUCKING WEEKS#I’m fine and cool. absolutely fucking DANDY#I’m totally not insecure about my place in the world and my place in peoples lives!!! noooooooo#I don’t need the bare minimum level of attention. I made it 13 fucking years having never truly connected to another human being.#I can handle. whatever the fuck this is. haha how pathetic. shitty shitty bang bang#nooo I’m a grizzled fucking soldier I don’t reread positive words directed at me like I have an addiction#I’m not replaying the top happiest moments from my life over and over again trying to ride a high from something that expired LOOONGG ago#I’m not fucking!! crying!! what do I have to cry for?? aww little piss baby DIDNT get a reply :( aww shh shh#your feelings are sooo valid don’t you worry!! it’s not like you’ve gone most of your life with the ability to get things you want!! GASP.NO#you didn’t have to struggle with food or money or housing!! nobody’s even HIT you before!! but even so your cries are valid!!!!#SIKE. NO. IM AT THE ABSOLUTE BOTTOM. MY PROBLEMS DONT MATTER#so WHAT if you’re longing?? doesn’t matter how hard you THINK or DREAM or WISH. NO ONE. NOT ONE SINGLE. FUCKING. PERSON#will EVER. see you as more than the fucking checker piece on the chess board!!#you want to be someone’s muse huh? don’t even CARE about their interpretations. or how they see you. all that matters is that in this moment#they’re stuck with you. they’re watching you. for at least a moment you can pretend they are yours.#god.... if only I could get myself to write my actual essays with this much passion haha#haha...a hh h..
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