#i don’t know which childhood trauma was responsible for this dream but i think the message is that i need to be more confident

[siampie]

Risk and Reward||Chapter 1: When I Met You

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 4.1k

Summary: You have a hard time settling into your new life but with new acquaintances and newfound friendships. You slowly find your footing.

Warnings/tags: 18+ contains smut (not sure, don’t know how to write it but I’ll try), angst, fluff, mutual pining, idiots in love, childhood trauma

A/N: So, this is a first for me. Please be indulgent. I am no stranger to writing fiction. I’ve done it before just not on this platform. Also, this is my first time writing in 2nd POV and for Matt Murdock. There isn’t much of him in this chapter but I hope the small bits I have is as close as it is to his character. I did what I always do before writing fiction, read other writers' work and see how they capture the character and watched videos or episodes to get a good feel of the character. So, I hope you will like it. Feedback is welcome. And just enjoy! Also English is not my first language.

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Dividers by @cafekitsune

Song the title is referring to:

You gave me a reason for my being

And I love what I’m feelin’

You gave me a meaning to my life

Yes, I’ve gone beyond existing

And it all began when I met you

“Another day, another week.” You whispered to yourself as you stepped in the building where you work. You smiled quickly at the receptionist before making your way to the elevator. After you made the big move across the states, you were lucky to land a job as a proofreader in a publishing house. It wasn’t your dream job but it was the next best thing.

For as far as you can remember, you have always been taking care of your family. Many expectations and responsibilities were put on your shoulders from a very young age. So, when your brother stepped in and decided to move your father in with him, you felt some relief. A load was being taken off of your shoulders. You loved your family. But over the years, you had started to resent them slightly. You resented your father for being sick. You resented him for taking out his bad moods on you. You resented your siblings because they get to live their lives. You resented them for leaving you behind in the dust. You knew you loved them but you resented them. And you didn’t want to hate them. So, you left.

You made the move to Hell’s Kitchen, six months ago and you had big plans. First of which, was to properly kickstart your life. You didn’t think it would be easy. You knew it would have been a challenge but you didn’t think it would be that hard. After six months, you thought you would have made some friends or at least some acquaintances. But shy as you were, and as cautious as you were, making friends did not come easy for you.

You dropped your bag on the ground next to your chair. And dropped your coat on the back of it. Your desk was already stacked with manuscripts that needed to be proofread. You always started your day the same, first you read your emails and answered the most important ones. Then came coffee and then came reading with a red pen. You were to review any typos that may have somehow slipped past the author and the copy editor. You were also to review for issues like kerning and stacking and whether the running head is consistent. Proofreading was the last step before publication. You knew it was an important step, so you did it thoroughly. And you did it well. At least, you thought you did. Your boss had not complained about your work so far. And you took it as a good sign.

One of your coworkers stopped by your desk and softly called your name. You looked up at her. You knew her, you had barely interacted with her a few days before. She had long, red hair, that you loved, and legs for days. Her name was Amelia. A few nights ago, as you were leaving after workhours, she was standing outside of the building. A cigarette between her lips as she was looking for something.

“Excuse me?” She stopped you. You turned to her. “Do you have a lighter?”

“Yeah.” You nodded quickly. Your best friend from high school, had convinced you to buy a pack of lighter once. Telling you that it was the best way to meet people and to make friends. More precisely to meet your future boyfriend. “There you go.” You handed her the lighter.

“Thanks.” She lit her cigarette before giving it back to you. She took a long drag at it. The tension in her shoulders dropped. “I needed that.”

“You’re welcome.” You smiled at her and turned to leave.

“You’re that new proofreader, aren’t you?” She asked you.

“Yeah.” And you gave her your name.

“That’s a pretty name.” She remarked. “I’m Amelia.”

“Nice to meet you.” Amelia was not a proofreader. She was an acquisitions editor. The one, literary agents would come to, to sell a book. The book landed in her hands first, and if they made it past her, they landed in yours last.

You stayed with her long after she finished her cigarette. You walked with her because it was dark out. And Hell’s Kitchen wasn’t the safest place to be after dark. And there was strength in numbers. Coincidentally, your flat and hers weren’t that far apart. So, you walked her home before going to yours.

After that, you had not seen or heard much of Amelia. You thought that was it. But there she was, talking to you.

“So, some of us are going to grab a drink after work and I thought that maybe you would love to join us?” She sat on your desk.

“It’s barely 9 and you’re already thinking about the end of the day.” You scoffed lightly.

“Well, I need something to look forward to.” Amelia laughed. “So, wanna come?”

Your default answer was ready to come out of your mouth. You were already making up excuses to not go. And then you stopped yourself. Why shouldn’t you go tonight? There was no one waiting for you at home. You had no obligations. It could be a fun night out; you could even make a few new friends. Might even start a new friendship with Amelia. After all, she came to seek you out. She wanted to invite you.

“Why?” You had not meant to ask this out loud.

“What?”

“Why invite me? We barely talked to each other? Why ask me?”

“You said you just moved here in Hell’s Kitchen, remember?” Amelia gave you a tight smile. And you nodded at her words. “I figured I do the nice thing and invite you to come with us. Since, you don’t really know anyone here.”

Now, you felt stupid. You could feel your neck and cheeks heat up with your embarrassment. Not everyone was going to hurt you. There were good people in the world, you had to remind yourself of that.

“Sorry.” You apologized quickly. “I—I would love to come.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You nodded quickly.

“Good, I’ll come and get you when it’s time to go.”

You pressed your hands against your neck. If you could see yourself, you were sure there would be splotches of red all over it. Of course, you had to go and ask why? If “no” was your default answer most of the time, “why?” wasn’t too far behind. When your niece had first told you she loved you, your first answer wasn’t to say it back. It was to ask her why? And she had answered very sweetly: “Because you’re funny and you give the best hugs. And you always play with me.” And after that you never asked again. You only said it back. Because you did, you loved her very much.

You did not know why you did this. It was almost as though you did not believe that good things could happen to you. And if it did, it was not sincere. It was because someone wanted something from you and once, they got it. They’d leave you high and dry.

As the end of your day was nearing. Your anxiety was starting to get the better of you. You dreaded the moment Amelia would come and pick you up. You had agreed to it earlier because you genuinely wanted to. But now, all you wanted, was to go home. Not because you were drained or overstimulated. No, because you simply did not feel like going anymore. You were hoping she would forget about you. Or at least, it would have been cancelled.

It wasn’t cancelled. And you couldn’t just bail on them. It was the first time, since you arrived in Hell’s Kitchen, that you had been invited to hang out. If you bailed on them now, you might not be invited ever again. So, you went. And who knows, you might have some fun.

“Josie’s.” You read out as you stopped in front of the bar with Amelia.

“Yeah, it’s a dive bar, really.” Amelia told you quickly. “But the drinks good enough.”

“Okay.”

She pulled you in after her. You both stopped at the bar to order your drinks and she then took you to their table. It was a small gathering. You recognized a few people, there was the receptionist; Clara. Then, there was another proofreader, you had interacted with. Barely. His name was Sebastian and some other people. You sat next to Amelia.

As soon as you sat down, they resumed their conversations. You were a silent observer. You laughed at their jokes. You listened intently to what they were saying. And you were really brief when they asked you questions about yourself. And redirected the attention on someone else as quickly as possible. You did not want the spotlight to be on you.

While your coworkers were conversing with one another, you couldn’t help but glanced around you. Your eyes travelled over the numerous patrons in the bar. Bikers, blue collar workers and some white-collar workers. They were many. The bar seemed to be quite successful.

And then your eyes landed on him.

Dark haired, with red tinted glasses and a cane. His plump lips were begging to be kissed, his jawline was to die for. His hair looked soft to the touch and you were itching to run your fingers through them. His shirt was so tight that it left nothing to the imagination. You could tell that he was well built underneath it. And his smile—oh, his smile was the most beautiful, you’ve ever laid eyes on. It lit up his whole face. Made him look younger. He looked perfect in every way.

You quickly darted your eyes away. You did not want to be caught staring. However, it was too late. Unbeknownst to you, Amelia had caught you looking.

“So, you look like you’re enjoying yourself.” Amelia said as she pulled you to the bar, to grab another drink.

“I am.” You nodded. “Thank you for inviting me.”

“No problem.” Amelia nudged your shoulder. “Would you want to do it again sometimes?”

“Yes, but can we space them out?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that.” She snorted. “It’s only when the urge strikes.” And she turned away from you. She looked over her shoulder briefly. “So, someone caught your eye.”

“What? No.” You answered quickly.

“That’s not what I saw.” She smirked at you. Josie pushed your beers towards you. “You kept staring at glasses over there.” She waved her hand towards perfect man.

“No, I did not.” You protested while pulling her hand down.

“Oh, come on!” Amelia insisted. “It’s not a crime. He’s pretty and you have eyes. It’s okay to stare a little.”

“Stop.”

“But you know what would be even better?”

“I’m going to regret this.” You rolled your eyes in annoyance. “What?”

“If you spoke to the guy. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Rejection.” You simply answered.

“Well, rejection is part of the game.” She shrugged. You gave out a deep sigh, and put your chin in the palm of your hand. “You got nothing to lose and everything to gain.”

Nothing to lose? Easy for her to say. After all, she wasn’t the one who had her heart broken, so many times, that there was barely anything left of it. When it came to the matters of the heart, you did not think that the risks were worth it. Even if it was for a Pretty Boy.

Your eyes landed on him again, in spite of yourself. His eyes seemed to be on you and Amelia. Almost as though he was directly looking at you. But he was blind, right? That would be impossible.

“You’re staring again.” She teased you. And you turned back to the bar quickly.

“Drop it.” You told her sternly. “It’s not worth it.” Her eyebrows went into her hairline. “Plus, a guy like him would never go for a girl like me.”

“What? Beautiful and sweet?”

“I’m not beautiful. I’m not ugly but I’m not beautiful. I’m average at best.” You shook your head. “And I’m not sweet.”

Amelia looked at you baffled by your defensiveness over compliments. You acted as though she insulted you. She pushed your beer away from you.

“First, those were compliments and not insults. So, take them.” Amelia said. “And why would he go for someone else when he could go for you?”

“You’re being this nice to me over a lighter?”

“It’s not just about the lighter.” She told you. “You walked me home. You didn’t have to but you did. It was very kind and sweet. Thus, proving my point. You are sweet.”

“It was practical. My flat isn’t too far away from yours. And it was as much for your safety as it was for mine.” You shrugged. “It’s dangerous at night in Hell’s Kitchen.”

Amelia rolled her eyes and groaned in frustration. “You are going to take that compliment. I will beat it into you, if I have to.”

“That would be assault.”

“You thing you’re funny, uh?”

“I think I’m adorable.”

“Bitch, you’re testing my patience.” And that got a laugh out of you. She shook her head and laughed with you. “You really are annoying.”

“That’s more like it.” You grinned at her. “Want me to walk you home again?”

“Yeah,” She nodded and clinked her beer with yours. “We finish our drinks and then, we’re good to go.”

“Okay.”

She waved her finger at you. “But this conversation is not over.”

“What conversation?” You retorted, taking on a faux air of innocence.

Amelia glared at you which elicited a chuckle out of you. “Put a few drinks in you and you turn into a comedian. Who would have thought?”

“I could have mentioned it. Save you some time.”

“Do you need to have an answer to everything?”

“Should I answer that or--?”

“Oh, shut up.” And you snorted.

She raised her beer to her lips and toss it back. She gulped the rest of the bottle down and slammed it back onto the counter. Both of your empty bottles were left on the counter and you walked back to your small group of friends. On your way there, your eyes automatically found Pretty Boy, once again. Again, his gaze seemed to be on you and you dropped your eyes to the ground immediately. Feeling guilty that you were staring again, you let out a long sigh and muttered to yourself. “If he’s ever going for someone, it would be for Amelia.”

“There you go.” Amelia handed you your coat and bag. “What are you muttering to yourself again?”

“What do you mean again?” You asked stunned, blood rushing to your neck and cheeks. “You caught me doing that a lot?”

“You are not really trying to hide it.” Amelia shrugged. “So, what was it?”

“Nothing. It was nothing.” You pouted while you put on your coat.

“Was it about Pretty Boy?” She smirked at you.

“Oh, stop!” You said as sternly as possible with your lips jutted out in a pout. “It wasn’t about Pretty Boy.”

“Hmm,” She nodded smugly. “I’ll pretend I believe that.” She laced her arm with yours as you both exited the bar.

“He is really pretty.” You smiled shyly. Amelia’s shoulder nudged yours, as she giggled along with you.

“Next time, we see him. You’re talking to him.” You groaned at her words.

That night was the first time, you ever laid eyes on him. And you thought it would be the last time.

What were the chances for you to stumble upon him in this city ever again? He could be living outside of the city. Or it was only chance that brought him there tonight. And this was a once in a lifetime chance to meet the love of your life. And you blew it.

“Shut up!” You groaned as you slapped your forehead. “I did not blow my chance because there wasn’t one to begin with.”

“Voices in your head?” Amelia put down the lighter next to you.

“They’re really loud today.” You shook your head. “And you don’t have to bring it back all the time. You can keep it.”

“I won’t have an excuse to come and see you. anymore”

“You don’t really need one.” You sighed.

“True.” She smirked. “Wanna go to Josie’s tonight?”

“What are we celebrating?” You retorted.

“Nothing.” Amelia shrugged. “I thought maybe we could blow off some steam.” She shrugged and sat down on your desk. “Seeing as those last two months were kinda crazy.”

“Yeah, they were.” You agreed. “I mean we are nearing the end of the season.”

As it were in the publishing world, books are published in a three-season cycle: Winter, Summer and Fall. Winter season came to a close by the end of April and the datelines were getting closer. For the last two months, you and your team had been working nonstop. You and the author of the book you were proofreading, were going back and forth about editing issues he had. And his anxieties regarding the matter were also affecting you. Under pressure and anxious, you and your coworkers had no time to go back out.

“I could use the break.” You leaned back in your chair. “And a couple of beers.”

“It’s a date.” Amelia got back on her feet. “Meet you by the reception desk.”

“Yeah, see you.”

Amelia and you were on the sidewalk in front of Josie’s. She was smoking a cigarette before you both get in.

“Doesn’t it bother you?” Amelia asked you.

“I like the smell of it.” You shrugged.

She took another puff before she elbowed your side. You glared at her.  Her pointy elbow dug into your side painfully. “What’s that for?”

“It seems you’re in luck tonight.” She looked down at you. And with a jerk of her head, she indicated at something behind you.

You turned around and there he was. Tapping his cane on the sidewalk, holding the arm of a beautiful blonde. There was a man, blonde also, walking on his other side. Pretty Boy’s tie was loose around his neck and slightly crooked. A giant smile was on his face as the beautiful lady on his side threw her head back in laughter. You kept your eyes on their little group as they disappeared into the bar.

“Alright, tonight’s the night.” Amelia took a last puff out of her cigarette.

“What?” You turned to her confused.

“We agreed that next time we see him here, you would talk to him.”

“I did not agree to anything. You agreed with yourself.” You told her as she started to drag you toward the bar. “Amelia, stop!” You pulled your arm away from her.

“What are you so afraid of?” Amelia huffed in annoyance.

“Rejection. Humiliation. Mortification. Embarrassment.” You started to list out.

Sure, he was handsome. He was painfully handsome. And although, you had thought of his lips on yours, of his hands running through your hair as he whispered sweet nothings in your ear. Your hands flew to your ears at the thought. They warmed up as your blood rushed to them. You couldn’t do it. You couldn’t talk to him.

“I’m perfectly fine with watching him from afar.” You said quietly, dropping your hands. “Can we go somewhere else, please?” You crossed your arms over your chest, making yourself as small as possible.

She dropped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you into her side. “We already here, so we might as well go in.” You started pulling away from her. “I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. Relax.” She pulled you back in and turned you towards the doors.

“Promise?” You put your pinky out.

“Promise.” She hooked her pinky with yours.

In most situations, you weren’t afraid to go after what you wanted. Of course, you had to pass it through a few people first. Just to make sure you were making the right decision. Especially, when it came to your job. But when it came to relationships—romantic ones, you never took the first step. You were always afraid that the people you wanted—you desired—wouldn’t want you back. Which explains your lack of experiences when it came to dating. And the disappointing sexual experiences you had.

You sat at the bar and ordered your beer. Amelia sat beside you but kept looking over her shoulder. You turned briefly to where she was looking. And surely enough, she was looking directly towards Pretty Boy and his friends. You sighed and turned back around.

“You promised, remember?” You told her. “Pinky promised. Those are sacred.”

“Yeah, I know.” She pouted and turned back around. “You’re going to regret it later.”

“Don’t I know it?” You exhaled deeply.

How many times have you let someone go before you were too afraid to speak? How much longer will you stay up at night wondering about what ifs? How much longer will you stand in the way of your own happiness? How much longer will you live in fear?

There was comfort in fear. It kept you on your toes. It told you where the edge was. It helped you survive. There was nothing wrong with fear. There were no broken hearts, no hurt feelings. It was safe.

And yet—you wished you could take that step. You knew you could. You’ve done it before. You left the comfort of your home. Of everything you’ve known to come here in Hell’s Kitchen. What was the worse that could happen in talking to him? Nothing, right? It was just talking. A simple conversation between two people. Or maybe, you would just give him your number. He could call you if he wanted to. If not—well, you would keep wondering why he didn’t call you. The thought of it was torture enough.

You glanced back over your shoulder at Pretty Boy. He was no longer sitting with his friends. His coat was still there on the back of his chair, but he was gone. You turned back to your drink, and sorrowfully starting to play with the condensation on your beer.

“What can I get you, Murdock?”

“Just another beer, Josie, thanks.”

You turned your eyes towards the voice. And there he was. So, much more handsome up close. His voice was nice and deep. Music to your ears. You turned your eyes away from him. Your heartbeat was now racing in your ribcage. You looked up at the ceiling, searching for some sort of answers.

“Hey, I’m gonna go out for a smoke.” Amelia announced slamming her bottle on the counter.

“I’ll come with you.” You squeaked out.

“You should definitely stay and enjoy yourself.” Amelia pulled her hair out of the collar of her coat. “I’ll be back in a moment. You should—you know strike up a conversation or two.” And she pointedly looked at the man by your side.

You gasped as she left. “You promised!” You called after her. “Pinky promised.”

“What did she promise?” Pretty Boy asked you. A grin plastered on his face.

You took a few minutes to answer, your eyes following Amelia’s exit out of the bar. And let out a breath. “To not make me do something I didn’t want to do.”

“And what was it? The thing you didn’t want to do.”

You couldn’t help the small grin that came onto your face before you answered. “Striking up a conversation with someone.”

“Ah.” He nodded. “Why not?”

“It’s kind of terrifying for me to—talk to people.” The blood was rushing to your chest, your heart was slamming against your ribcage.

“You’re talking to me now.” His voice seemed lower as he spoke.

You scoffed. “True. I am.”

“How does it feel?” His lips twitched up at the corners.

“Not as terrifying as I thought.”

He chuckled. And you smiled at the sound. “I’m Matt.” He extended his hand out to you.

You put your hand in his. Your breath hitched in your throat as your skin touched his. You cleared your throat before giving him your name.

“You have a pretty name.” He told you.

“You make it sound prettier.” You quipped back, feeling braver now. His eyebrows flew high on his forehead before he let out a laugh. You laughed along with him. “Nice to meet you, Matt.”

“Pleasure’s all mine.” He nodded, this boyish grin never leaving his face.

That was the night you officially met Matt Murdock. It wasn’t as daunting as you thought it would be. In fact, speaking with Matt came easy to you. His eyes were unseeing and yet, they were always on you. And for once in your life, you did not mind the attention.

You didn’t think anything life altering would come of it. If anything, you thought you were gaining another friend.

Little did you know…

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[entermyrealm]

i wrote a Dream having Floor Time and not knowing what that means/trauma response/eventual fluff thing under the cut and also saved in my ao3 drafts what is happening to me

The hour is late. You exhale a sigh.

“I don’t know where he is this time,” you whisper to yourself.

You keep your steady pace around the quiet palace corridors. There’s no urgency to your steps; you know he’s close, but you hope it isn’t as easy as it seems to get lost if you take an unfamiliar turn. How does Lucienne keep track of this labyrinth , you wonder. A figure in your peripheral causes you to pause at the study door.

“Dream?”

You almost walked right past him. Such a pale thing. Wreathed in his black-indigo coat, he lies perfectly immobile on the stone floor. A sizable ornate rug is lying to his side, yet it seems he has deliberately chosen not to lie on top of it. His slender hands are folded together, resting neatly below his chest. Eyes like the deepest blue lake are fixed on the ceiling. He has the look of one who is seeing beyond the physical limits of the palace. You tilt your head quizzically, assuming he hasn’t noticed you.

“Dream.” You turn into the room and step closer.

The corner of his mouth creases into a soft smirk as he finally blinks in acknowledgment.

Hello, you.

Just two words are more than enough to cast that spell again. His voice captures you in a net of calm. Deep, melodious, resonating, softly wistful. All your tension relaxes. It’s as if the music of a gentle lullaby is being played in another room. He really is the King of Dreams.

“Hi there,” you exhale. This room is smaller than his throne room but no less grand. The ceiling here is also that of a swirling galaxy of cool-toned stars and celestial bodies. Various writing instruments are neatly organized across several wooden and stone desks throughout. It smells faintly of eucalyptus.

You approach the edge of his cloak and kneel beside him, smoothing your dress. He finally turns his head to match your gaze.

“I’ve been looking for you.”

I have been found. There’s a brief twinkle of mischief in his eye, but then it is gone. At this, your brow furrows. Maintaining eye contact is uncomfortable, but your growing concern precedes it.

“Yesterday, the un-making was…trying for you.” His eyes narrow slightly. Speaking out loud about the rare occurrence of Dream having to destroy a dream-thing is a tender subject, and mentioning the event directly to the King is another matter entirely. “How are you?”

Morpheus responds with a slow blink and turns back toward the ceiling. Indeed.

You inhale and fold your hands respectfully in your lap, watching as tears threaten to spill from his red-rimmed lids. He will never answer that question. You can’t help but be reminded of the image of your own grieving self after past trauma. So many days, months, years spent just thinking . Trying not to think. Trying to will yourself out of existence. A thin, graying form splayed on the carpet of your childhood bedroom, staring, seeing nothing. Sometimes, you would fall asleep like this, which is how you first met Lord Morpheus. To this day, even minor inconveniences sometimes have you falling back into your practice of silent floor time. Although you think you could never appear as graceful and with such restrained beauty and terror as Dream.

You’re suddenly struck with a notion. You unfold your legs from underneath you and proceed to gather the extra fabric of Dream’s galaxy cloak. His clothes always have an otherworldly quality, besides the existence of an undulating cosmos instead of fabric lining. The cloak feels weighted in your hands, but at the same time, it moves like fog between your fingers.

You catch Dream giving you a curious side-long glance out of the corner of your eye, causing a tiny smile to creep up your lips. You finally stretch out beside him, nearly touching his elbow.

“Floor time it is, then.” You tilt your head back to watch the ceiling twinkle and change colors.

Floor. Time. He is looking directly at you. I. Didn’t realize mortals do this. Had a. Word for it.

“We have quite a lot of words for everything,” you observe. Dream blinks in agreement. “Floor time is essential for some of us. I know it helps keep me very grounded. I let the surface absorb my worries and practice my breathing. Better still if I can be outside in nature.”

He lets out a little rare chuckle. That seems. Wise. You are always very calm.

You give him a genuine smile. “It’s in my nature to be. But sometimes, I forget who I am. Hence, floor time.”

You sound a Lot. Like one of my sisters.

You nod thoughtfully. “She…visited often when I was young. I suppose she influenced my personality early on.”

A sudden pained expression crosses Dream’s face. I am. Sorry. For all that you hold inside of you.

You frown and shake your head slightly. “It’s nothing that you must apologize for.”

A comfortable silence falls between you as the Dream Lord seems to become lost in thought once more. After a beat, Morpheus sits up. He props a long arm on one knee.

Thank you. For allowing me to just. Be. It is not often when I am not required to. Answer many questions.

You slowly sit up, matching Lord Morpheus’s lengthy form, if only because he tends to hunch. You bend one leg beneath you.

“As King, you have your subjects to answer to. As Endless, your siblings.” You place a steady hand on his arm, causing his lips to part ever so slightly. “I am neither your subject nor sibling. I don’t intend to burden you with more expectations, Dream.”

In a swift movement, Dream gently holds your arm by the wrist and faces you on his knees.

Do you not. Expect. Anything from me?

Still holding onto your wrist, he pulls you closer and places two fingertips from his opposite hand under your chin. His suddenly brilliant blue eyes search yours.

You lift your lips to his in response. The sensation of him is tender yet utterly overwhelming. A fathomless nighttime sea crashing on a black sand shore. His fingertips move across your chin and soon his whole hand cradles your jaw, encouraging it forward, chasing his deliberately slow kisses. He releases his grip on your wrist and places that hand at the small of your back.

You’re falling into him now, or he’s pulling you on top of him, you can’t determine which in your breathless haze. Truly breathless because he hasn’t remembered your mortal lungs until your hand in his hair is gripping it tight. Dream finally relents, his eyes still closed and swollen lips pouting. He is impossibly gorgeous this way: head thrown back, neck muscles straining, wild hair and darkened daring eyes. He is actually grinning.

It takes you a few breaths before you manage to grin back and roll your eyes at him.

“Look at the state of us. Dream. Of the Endless.” You are completely entangled in his robes and his limbs. All the activity has caused a blanket of fog to cover the entire floor of the study. You lean across his chest and rest your head on your knuckles.

I will not apologize. He’s still watching you with a smirk. You shudder slightly when both of his hands come up to grip your waist.

“You’ve done nothing wrong.” His eyes close again briefly at this sentiment and at the feeling of your fingers brushing a bit of his hair away from his face. “I, on the other hand, have entirely disturbed your floor time.”

As you prepare to stand, the hands at your waist expertly pull you back down and underneath Dream. He weighs nothing, making the strength of him uniquely startling and solid. You look up at him, incredulous. His soft lips are at your neck.

We will therefore continue. This. Floor time. Together.

[teenwolf-confessions]

Liam is a Scorpio although he definitely has Leo placements, his confidence and his charm and his sass is very Leo, but I wouldn’t say it’s his sun sign. Brett, Theo and Hayden all transformed from general assholes to soft lil simps purely from having Liam in their life. Scott changed from a lovesick wolf to a responsible fatherly alpha from having to care for Liam - he’s very transformative and leaves an impact on the people around him. He keeps his emotions locked up tight, stubbornly telling everyone he’s fine (watch the zoo scene with Theo - he says ‘I’m fine’ like 7 times). Even in the car after, he doesn’t actually say why he was so freaked out at the zoo, he is very tight lipped and Theo holds most of the conversation. When we first see him, he also purposely restrains from telling Scott and Stiles that he was kicked out, simply saying he was transferred - very private like a scorpio. he also isn’t opposed to emotional manipulation i.e. crying to get Scott and Stiles to untie him and using Scott’s friendship w Stiles to convince him to let Theo stay. He can also be quite cutting - ‘Should’ve left you in the ground, think you rotting down there….Im not gonna help you or save you, I’m gonna use you as bait’ - knows what to say to hit someone where it hurts. Very observant and smart as well (watch the scene with him sussing out Monroe in S6). His anger is far more long term and lasts, like him holding a grudge against Brett and Theo. Scott tried to talk him down when Liam was trying to kill him but he kept going for ages until Mason, very Scorpio-like anger - very powerful and stubborn. Aries anger is up and down in two seconds hence why he ain’t Aries. His way of tackling things/obstacles far bigger than him through sheer willpower is very Scorpio i.e. taking on a hellhound stronger than Parrish and winning, being thrown through a window and still being able to fight, having his chest slashed open and insisting that he’s fine.

Theo is Pisces for sure. People will be screaming Scorpio but he’s not. Pisces are like chameleons, they morph into and blend in with their environment - the doctors wanted him to be a manipulative murderer and from their personas as well, he became that. And he became what qualities were appealing to the pack to try and fool them - very Pisces-esque deception and manipulation. Scorpios also don’t lie, they value authenticity and honesty a lot so they ain’t gonna be pretending to be someone else - they’ll stab you in the front not the back - which is why it ain’t Theo. Plus, the pack, mostly Liam, were selfless, heroic people and Theo became that from being around them - very Pisces chameleon-esque qualities. Also, Theo is so bloody open and emotional. He was in the tunnels with Stiles for like two seconds and soon enough was going off unleashing all his emotions spiralling like ‘I was nine year old, I also believed a red guy came to deliver presents, do you think I had any idea what was going on’ full on having an outburst. He also does this with Liam in the hospital all like ‘What do you think I was doing down there? Catching up on childhood memories?’, he’s literally the least guarded, most reactive person ever lol. Him crying a million times in his two season timespan, with the Sherriff and with Scott lying about Stiles and the doctors telling he was a failure in S5 and in hell and when Liam told him he was sending him back in S6 is also very Pisces. Him being toyed around by Deucalion and Scott through most of 5B so easily is also very characteristic of Pisces’ gullible nature. Wants to prove he’s not a failure, wants to prove he’s a good person, wants to prove he’s powerful, always wants validation - very Pisces. In Season 6, he shows a lot of compassion, empathy and patience on several occasions which is also characteristic of Pisces. His loneliness and finding company in a spider is very Pisces as well. Pisces are also very attached to their subconscious and the realm of dreams so his trauma from hell showing up as nightmares or when he zones out and when he gets to the hospital because of the trauma - very Pisces.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hello!!! I would like to start this with thanking you for being so helpful and open about sex-ed and other topics society deems to icky to properly deal with <3

as for my question, ik everyone says this but it still feels so weird, what do you do when you think you were sexually abused as a child but can’t remember the majority of your childhood anyways for possibly unrelated issues??

I’ve noticed that I share a lot of ‘symptoms’ as my friend who definitely was sexually abused as a child, and this has been on a backburner in my mind until recently where I think I had a ptsd-dream?? Which I don’t even know is real or not and it’s just super complicated :/

if you need me to send another ask with more information about the dream or whatever, sure.

(thanking you again for just being around, even as a vague internet person)

hi anon,

I'm afraid this is wildly outside of the area of questions I can responsibly claim any expertise on. a therapist who specializes in trauma would be a much better bet than my humble blog.

[suburbandadclub]

What sets The Hunger Games novels so far apart from other stories, especially YA ones, and also from the films they were adapted into, is that we, the audience, get to experience the varied responses to trauma through the eyes of someone who doesn’t know life without it.

I first read the trilogy as a 12-year-old, and it was wonderful to me then. Katniss seemed so mature and grown-up, and I saw in her this savior that I dreamed of saving me too, like she saved her sister. I think that’s why a lot of the end of the series was confusing to me. I loved it, but there was so much that I couldn’t figure out about her motivations.

I began listening to the audiobooks recently, at a time in my life when I was finally able to come to terms with the abuse I’d experienced my entire childhood and adolescence. Outside of any of that, I now saw Katniss for what she is: a child. It blew me away how similar I felt to her in what she goes through. When you have known suffering all your life, you have no idea the depth of its impact. I always knew how upset and angry I felt about what was being done to me. But I never considered it was out of the ordinary. I knew other kids didn’t experience it like I did, but why would I have any reason to think it was wrong? It was just my life. I must have deserved it.

Katniss takes on so much blame in an effort to make sense of her circumstances. She takes on guilt to try to punish herself for the egregious things happening to the people she loves. She doesn’t see herself as a person worthy of life and love, and yet she sees herself as selfish for not always thinking of the greater good. So much of her response to trauma stands out to me now as obvious, even as I struggle to see it in myself.

And as readers, we can’t see further than her own paranoid, traumatized logic. This is obviously somewhat lessened now that the movies are such a widely-known phenomenon, but events and actions of other characters come completely out of the blue and surprise us because Katniss convinces herself (and us) that the world works a certain way because it’s always worked that way for her, and we believe her!

Truly the most subversive of unreliable narrators.

I don’t know how Suzanne Collins perfectly captured the mind of a deeply traumatized child, which leads me to conclusions that I dearly hope are not true, because you always hope that these things don’t happen even when you know they do. But I am immensely grateful that she chose to write what she did, not only for what her writing has done for the globe in terms of war, and politics, and humanity, but for kids like me, who maybe will see a little better that even in stories filled with hurt and tragedy and suffering, there is more than enough beauty to be found just by choosing to keep fighting.

[gabessquishytum]

Hob is over 600 hundred years old, he’s got a ton of trauma that he never knew how to deal with until he learns about something in the early 2000’s…. Age regression. Hob didn’t have a childhood in the traditional sense so the idea of going to back to a childlike mind set fascinated him, but now he can’t exactly control when it happens. Whenever he gets stressed out his mind instantly goes to it, which had caused some problems especially after his stranger, Dream came back into his life. Hob had to pretend, hide his stuffed ducky and paci whenever Dream came over. He had to control his mind if anything vaguely distressing came up. This of course became an even BIGGER problem once him and Dream got together, they started sleeping in the same bed (well Hob slept anyway) and his ducky hadn’t seen the light in many weeks. Everything was going great until Dream asks a question. “Hob dear…are you pregnant?” Dream asks one day laying his head in Hob’s lap as the bigger man was reading a book. All this got was a book dropped on his face. “Oh dream I’m so sorry are you alright? You just um startled me with the question,” Dream of course was fine no mere mortal book could pose any threat to him, although under the cover of darkness he would admit his nose hurt a little.

“I am perfectly fine, Hob Gadling. But you have not answered my question.”

“Dream…I don’t know how to tell you this but I don’t exactly have the parts to get pregnant.”

“hmm,” Dream pondered, “how strange” he said laying back in Hob’s lap.

“wait wait wait hang on..why you’d think i was pregnant?”

“you dream of nurseries, baby bottles, stuffed animals…I don’t mean to look into your dreams but when we were in such close proximity it just happened I’m very sorry for invading your privacy,”

“was it a duck?” “Pardon?”

“the stuffed animal was it a duck?” Dream only nods in response.

it takes Hob a few more weeks to actually tell Dream what that meant. His Dreams had become more frequent and Dream was learning things but he wasn’t sure how to apply them. This was of course until Hob was mid panic attack and Dream somehow knew the duck was in the closet. “Hob…hob look at me,”

he looks up from his position on the floor barely able to breathe.

“I found a friend who really wants to talk to you,” Dream pulls out the duck from behind him and Hob immediately snatches it, seeming to calm down immensely. Dream didn’t ask questions that night, only comforted Hob, that however does not stop him from asking questions later. “You are not with child,”

Hob chuckles stirring his soup. “I know that love,”

“You are the child,”

Hob drops his spoon, he wants to run he wants his ducky, but he has to stay strong and deny everything.

“I am 600 years old I’m less of a child than your average person,”

Dream walks over to him and cradles Hob’s face in his hand.

“Hob…darling.”

He can’t look at Dream, he can’t.

“I’m not going to judge you, I merely wish to help you,”

Hob sighs and tells Dream everything. it’s a slow process after that, Hob formally introduces Dream to Ducky and shows him the pacifier after that, those being his only two items, Dream intended to change that. And after a few weeks a…dynamic began to emerge. And a year and a half later this is where our story unfolds.

Hob had a bad day, dream can sense it a dark cloud had entered the New Inn and it was quickly coming up the stairs, Dream wasn’t quite sure if Hob needed his other moniker today he would wait until the other man told him. Hob taught a lesson on the 1600’s because of his class schedule he technically taught it three times, he hated his unit on the 1600’s but someone had to do it. He was dropping fast he had to get upstairs, everyone knew not to speak to Mr. Gadling when he got in a bad mood because he usually didn’t talk back and looked like he didn’t understand what you were saying.

When he gets up there, the doors unlocked. Dream knows, little Hob has such trouble with locks. He opens the door and there stands Dream with a look of such openness and sympathy Hob knows he definitely knows. “D-d-da daddy,” Hob manages to choke out crying. Oh he definitely needed Dream’s other D moniker today. Dream swoops Hob into a hug, after so much time he was a professional at this. He holds Hob’s face in his hands. “Tell me what you need little one,”

“h-hungry”

Dream knew, he had known Hob was doing lectures on the 1600’s he would feel his hunger more acutely. He had prepared for this. He holds him close, petting his hair. “oh my poor baby is hungry, that just won’t do, why don’t we get dressed for a night in, and Daddy will get your bottle off the stove, how’s that little one?” Hob only nods, letting Dream hold his hand and lead him to the bedroom. Getting dress for a night in meant Hob’s little pajamas made of the softest and most comfortable Dreamstuff of course. Soon Dream heard the ding of the stove as he was settling Hob in bed. “Now my darling boy, you stay right here while Daddy goes and gets your bottle,” Hob looks hesitantly off to the side. “What’s wrong, hob?” “D-ducky,”

that’s what Dream had forgot! He summoned Ducky from his corner in the closet and handed him to Hob.

“Ducky!” Hob was delighted and held on to his bird companion close

Dream chuckled and went to fetch Hob his bottle. When he returned it seemed as if Hob was animatedly telling Ducky about his day, it was mostly baby babble that Dream didn’t understand, but Ducky could, Ducky always understood. Dream quietly knocked on the door so as to not startle Hob.

“Hobbit, Daddy’s got your bottle,” 

Hob looked up and squealed in delight at Dream’s presence or at the presence of food, Dream wasn’t sure, it didn’t matter anyhow all that mattered was that Hob was happy.

Dream came up to Hob’s side of the bed.

“Dweam!” 

“Yes Hob Dream is here,”

He goes to hand Hob the bottle but strangely Hob only looks at it. 

“Oh, is someone really little? Can Daddy hop into bed with you?”

Hob nods and Dream slides into next to him. 

“Do you want me to feed you?”

Hob nodded eagerly, he must have been very young to be almost nonverbal.

Dream maneuvered the both of them until Hob was in Dream’s lap. 

He held the bottle up and Hob drank down almost greedily.

“Slow down little one you don’t want to upset your tummy, my, my, someone was hungry, wasn’t he?” 

Dream fed Hob and rocked him back and forth as he cuddled Ducky.

“You’re my good, brave little boy. You did so well today. Now it’s time for daddy to take care of you,” 

Once Hob had finished his bottle Dream fed him some sugar coated strawberries to get some solid food in him. 

“Full”

“Oh good boy, thank you for telling Daddy.”

Dream put away the strawberries and rubbed Hob’s little tummy.

Sometimes when Hob was little Dream would park him in front of the tv, this was usually on the weekends when Hob regressed more to decompress than anything else. Little Hob was obsessed with cartoons, he’d sit for hours unmoving fascinated by the moving pictures, Dream started diapering him after one too many accidents. But Hob didn’t need that right now. Right now he needed his Daddy. 

“Alright baby boy, do you want daddy to tell you a story?”

After that he had fallen asleep in Dream’s arms. 

Although there are pit falls when this happens…

—————————

The next morning…. 

Dream was in the kitchen preparing some tea waiting for Hob to wake up, he never woke up regressed so this was bound to be entertaining. 

“Aw fuck I did it again, we’re really in it now, Ducky,” he could hear Hob mutter from the bedroom.

“Dream,” he called from the bedroom.

“Yes darling?”

“I uh… wet…my ……protection,”

Dream chuckled, he always did.

“Do you need Daddy’s help?” Dream teased. 

“What! No no I got it I’ll just do it myself, I’m a grown man thank you very much,”

Dream chuckled and headed for the bedroom, he never in fact did it himself.

-🦎

So I have little to no experience with writing age regression BUT I'm absolutely fascinated and delighted by the concept! And let me tell you, age regression + Hob made me absolutely melt. I feel like I could really get into what an amazing way this would be for him to cope with immortality (because while it is a gift, it causes significant strain on him) but mostly I just want to appreciate how cute this is!!! Hob and Ducky melted my heart, he's such a sweet boy and I'm so glad Dream will be taking good care of him from now on!! The whole thing about him being extra hungry when he's little just made my whole chest clench up - give that baby his bottle!!!!!

Also love fully grown Hob at the end and how they're teasing each other, loving each other, accepting each other. No real embarrassment, because Hob knows that he's loved and cared for! Plus him still talking to Ducky absolutely cracked me up.

I would definitely love to see more of this kind of thing in the dreamling-sphere! Thank you so much for sharing this adorable little ficlet.

[axl-rose-lover-1987]

“I’m always here to listen”

Axl Rose x reader

90s Axl

Axls Elton John record spun around on your record player as you cooked spaghetti in the kitchen for you and Axl. Axl was up in bed sleeping though he had stayed up last night trying to write a song when you went up to bed he was hunched over the piano scribbling things in a note book. Axl never really had a good sleep schedule so you let him rest. Bennie and the Jets was playing that was one of Axls favorites you smiled thinking about him. The spaghetti was ready and you decided to go up to your room to see if Axl was awake for dinner or if you should let him sleep and warm it up for him when he woke up. You went upstairs and got to your bedroom door you could hear sobbing. It was hard and heavy and you knew it was Axl. Axl had a lot of trauma from his childhood and he had begun therapy which was good but at the same time bad because it really made him face his past and problems and it brought back bad memories that made him spiral sometimes. You knocked on the door “Axl are you ok?” You said really worried about him. You got no response but could still hear him crying you decided to go in. And there he was sitting on the side of the bed his face in his hands sobbing his hair all in his face and he was crying. It was hard to see him like this but being his wife this wasn’t the first time you’d seen him like this in fact you were probably the only person he was the most open with about his feelings. You sat down on the bed next to him. He didn’t acknowledge you. You put an arm around him and put your head on his shoulder and moved his hair out of his face. “Sweetie what’s wrong?” You asked calmly. Axl sobbed harder and gave you no response. You sat there holding him for a little while. “I’m here for you Axl ” you said stroking his hair. He moved his face away from his hands his eyes were red and puffy his face was wet from tears and snot was running down his nose and his voice that was usually deep and confident was now shaky and desperate. “Just go away y/n I don’t feel like talking” he snapped at you and then going back to crying and hiding his face.

You didn’t want to push his limits if he needed time to cry you needed to let him even though all you wanted to do was hold him and tell him he can talk to you, you wanted to take all his pain away but instead you got up. “Ok” you said walking out of the room and shutting the door. You decided to give him some time and go back and try to talk to him later. You ate your dinner by yourself and played music but it felt empty without Axl you had to admit. Once you finished eating you went back upstairs to check on Axl. When you walked into your room Axl was no longer crying but was now laying on his back looking up at the ceiling. “Hey baby” you said sitting down on the bed. Axl didn’t respond his face was blank and few tears still streamed down his face. You started gently rubbing his knee he didn’t say anything. This went on for a few minutes then you stopped rubbing his leg and sighed. “Don’t stop it feels nice” Axl said his voice still a bit shaky from crying. “Ok” you said going back to doing it Axl then sat up and grabbed your hand. “I had a bad dream that’s all” he said. “I’m sorry babe it’s not real though” you said kissing his cheek. “Yeah it was just one of those were I’m a kid again and you know my dad and then and it’s you know” he said his voice breaking a little and tears rolling down his cheek which you wiped away. “I won’t go into detail but it just feels so real and scary y/n I just why y/n why” Axl pleaded tearing up again. You hugged him tighter wishing you could take the pain away from him“I know Axl but he’s gone now and I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again” you said squeezing his hand. “Just why y/n just why maybe if none of that happened I wouldn’t be so damn messed up” Axl said looking you in the face finally. “I’m proud of you Axl look at all you’ve overcame even if you have that baggage your still amazing and your a great husband to me” you said trying to cheer him up. He smiled finally. “The press doesn’t think so” Axl said. “Fuck the press they just make shit up to sell stuff” you said. Axl laughed. “I don’t care what’s happened to you before Axl I know who you are and I love you and I won’t let anything bad happen ok I’ll always be here for you” you said.

A tear rolled down Axls cheek and he smiled you moved his hair and kissed him. “I’d be dead without you know that right babe” Axl said looking down at your intertwined fingers. You laughed “i know that’s why I’m glad we found each other “ you said smiling. “Me too no one else would deal with my crazy shit” Axl said. “Are you ok now?” you asked. “Yeah for now” Axl said. “Wanna take a shower together?” You asked knowing it would make him feel better. “Of course I do” Axl said scooping you up bridal style and carrying you into the bathroom.

[femmefatalevibe]

Hi Femme! I always refer to your blog as the award winning blog because of how good your advice is. You’re changing lives! I hope you’re doing great this week!!

I have a question about how to feel young and youthful? Unfortunately due to trauma of my past and adultifcation (I began taking care of my mom at 17 due to medical reasons she has)- I feel old.

I’m nearly 26 and I can’t connect to people my age because I had to grow up fast and I’m mentally so much older and mature than most people my age. Because of this I get so sad and frustrated.

I try everything to try and connect with people my age but they either don’t want to hang out with me because of my responsibilities (I still take care of her and sometimes I am not available to hang out). And those old friends would mock me for taking care of my mom or throw it in my face that I have too much I’m dealing with. They have little to no responsibilities so I’m left by myself. I noticed a pattern.

So now I just FEEL old.

I don’t know what I can do to get genuine friendships for my situation (maybe having older friends— mid late twenties etc). Or maybe it’s the spaces I’m in? I want to travel and be around more like minded ambitious people for my field of work (journalism/events).

I also want to feel young, like my age. Idk what I would have to do activity wise or etc. I’m at a lost and so depressed.

I go to work and I’m the oldest cause it’s summer jobs and I’m surrounded by 15- 20 year olds and I chat and I’m nice but I can’t connect like that and they don’t with me.

I always knew something was different about me because of my trauma and what it’s done.

Thank you a bunch! :)

Hi love! Oh my gosh, this comment made my day. Thank you so much for these kind and supportive words! So glad to hear you find my content/advice to be highly valuable <3 Hope that you're having a great week as well!

As a fellow parentified child/teen in the same age bracket, I empathize with you regarding how to feel young, youthful, and feeling our age. For context, most of my friends tell me they think of me as their mid-30s-something friend (lol), so I know the feeling of being jaded and overly deliberate with your time, energy, and actions. If these people are in their mid-20s, it honestly says more about them than you that they're judging or resorting to mocking the fact you take your responsibilities seriously. So many people our age have full-time jobs, households to run (single, in a relationship, even married with kids), and all of the logistics that come with being an adult – albeit being in the "young person" category. These people sound immature for their age, honestly.

I would say the best ways I've found to feel a bit younger and more youthful include:

Taking time to let loose and enjoy the moment

Dancing around in your room without a care in the world

Engaging in some child-like activities you enjoy such as drawing, painting, or pottery

Having a fun and dynamic dating life

Going out for fun dinners, drinks, lunch, or coffee dates

Taking a workout or dance class

Strolling around the streets with fun music and an iced coffee

Going to a dog park or playing with friends/families' animals, etc.

Consider how much of an advantage we have when choosing to indulge in these activities: We have the wisdom to deliberately and more strategically enjoy these pleasures rather than partake in these activities from an ignorant headspace, which can lead to more negative or potentially dangerous situations. Understanding that engaging in this carefree headspace at certain times is essential for your mental health reframed my perspective and was a game-changer in my happiness levels, honestly. I hope this insight invites a similar positive change for you as well.

Reconnect with your childhood dreams and aspirations. Consider how you can explore them now that you have the emotional maturity and legal freedoms of adulthood. It's never too late to make even the smallest steps to actualizing these dreams. For example, getting a stuffed animal that reminds you of the pet you always wanted growing up. It can be a healing, self-nourishing experience even if it sounds a bit silly on the surface.

For finding friends you connect with, I would say the late 20s/early 30s tends to be the sweet spot, too. Some ways I think are beneficial to connect with like-minded people in this mid-20s-early 30s age group with similar goals are to:

Go to meetups, events, panels, exhibits, etc. pertaining to your current/desired field and interests

Join clubs and take classes/workshops in your areas of interest. Go to the same workout studios/art workshops/coffee shops/bars, nail salons, etc. you love regularly. Seeing familiar faces often will invite you both to eventually strike up a conversation – you already know you have something in common

Network both in IRL through events/people you meet and even on LinkedIn to see if you can invite people for informational interviews/informal coffee chats (either in person or over a video call). It's a win-win situation because you both get to expand your networks and sometimes, you just click!

If you haven't read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson and Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa yet, I HIGHLY recommend them!

Hope this helps xx

[mannatea]

Break Open the Sky, a Tales of Symphonia ‘fic

Words: 4,570 words (Chapter 1) Summary: What kind of “Hero” of Regeneration would she be to leave an infant to fend for itself? Someone had to have left it here for a reason. The question was, of course, why? But as she lifted the little thing carefully into her arms, the motion reminding her of nights so far in the past, now, the why seemed almost tragically clear: this baby was of mixed blood. Pairing/Characters: Raine, Original Characters, will also feature Genis, Regal, and Sheena. Endgame is Regal/Raine. Extra Info: This is technically an Accidental Baby Acquisition story, but I liken it more to “Doorstep Baby” literature because it sure ain’t cute. Rating: Mature, for themes. More about this in the notes. Genre: It’s hard to squeeze this into a genre or two. Eventual romance, gen, family, character study.

The title is the link to Ao3! If you read it please feed me a little comment. I love you. ♥

Notes below the cut:

This story takes place 5 years post-game. Raine is traveling alone. Genis is in Palmacosta. Regal is in Altamira. Kate and Presea are in Ozette. Sheena is in Mizuho, Zelos is mostly in Meltokio, and Lloyd and Colette are still exsphere hunting together with occasional help and tips from their friends.

This 100% ignores DotNW except tiny tidbits I might want to steal from it.

--

I think we all know how much I like Raine as a character and love exploring it. This is another story like that, but with 11 planned chapters and even a potential sequel on the horizon. What can I say? I dream big.

This story relies quite heavily on a theme brought up in the game: “How can we regenerate the world when we can’t even save the people suffering right in front of us?” This theme is brought up over and over by both Lloyd and Colette. I’ve thought before of Raine’s sacrifice in-game to ensure Lloyd lives. There is something so incredibly poignant about the fact that for the first time in her life she puts her trust in someone else, and she doesn’t just do this in words, but actions as well. She thinks she will die but believes fully that her death is aiding a cause she also believes in. Raine does not trust people; this is established time after time in the game, but she lets herself believe in Lloyd & Colette’s earnest way of living, which refuses to accept that they have to choose between saving the world and saving people that live in the world: they can do both.

Later, after the hallucination scene, she admits she needs to change—that she wants to change. This is a story showcasing that attempt to change.

--

I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that Raine is a character who has had a lot of trauma dumped into her lap over her lifetime, and who has been given absolutely no time in the canon to process any of it in a healthy way. Even post-game she has to continue to raise her brother and canonically puts both of them on a journey that can only result in more trauma (even if they themselves also do a lot of good for the world).

I don’t want to mislead anyone with this story: the very concept of Raine acquiring a baby is grounds for the reemergence of trauma from her childhood that has never been properly dealt with.

She does not want a baby, but she also can’t bring herself to be unfeeling or uncaring; she’s stuck in a bad position but still by nature a very responsible person.

--

Let’s talk themes.

The biggest theme this story will be exploring is the idea that love (feeling it for others, for yourself, and letting others love you) can break bad, tragic, or harmful cycles. 

Also, saving the people right in front of you. Of course. ;) (But sometimes that person is actually yourself, and that’s okay.)

This story will definitely be exploring a lot of other themes and ideas, many of which are unpleasant or may be triggering. I’ve tagged the story with a few of them, but here is a more complete list:

adoption

abandonment/child abandonment

childhood trauma

healing (from trauma)

found family/chosen family

fantasy racism (there will be a lot of subtle hints of this too)

discussion/mention of infanticide

change/growth

trust

guilt

identity outside one’s relationship to others

poverty

mentions of assault/violence/sexual violence

threats of sexual violence/rape

the cost of the art/magic of healing

--

THERE WILL BE A LOT OF ORIGINAL CHARACTERS FOR THE FIRST FEW CHAPTERS. I cannot stress this enough. I’m sorry; I would avoid it if I could, but this is the sort of story that requires them. I’ll try to keep a list per chapter in my notes here in case it gets confusing.

Baby (infant left with Raine; not named yet)

Ruth (old woman in Luin visiting her daughter, Lora)

Dr. Newbury (schoolmaster of the East Side Luin School; acquaintance of Raine. She calls him “Mr.” Newbury since he refuses to accept she is a professor)

Mrs. Browning (heavily pregnant woman in town, someone Dr. Newbury said was about to give birth)

Tommy (Mrs. Browning’s son)

Miss Tanner (Tommy’s teacher)

The Talbots (farmers who bring milk to town to sell it most mornings)

Ms. Leybourn (the second person Dr. Newbury said was about to give birth)

Miss Taff (schoolmistress of the West Side Luin School)

--

That’s all for now, but of course...if anyone has any questions or concerns please feel free to message me (anon is on as always if you’re more comfortable) or comment here. 

Feedback/Comments/Criticism over at Ao3 would be incredible, even if it’s just a few words.

Thanks so much!

[patnaneuro]

Is Wanting to Be Alone a Trauma Response - Know Here!

Staying alone and self independency is a response to people who never had anyone to rely on.

Sometimes, people prefer to spend their time alone because they have never experienced how it is like to be around people or how to trust someone else.

At times, people want to spend some days alone and after a while they want to be with their loved ones. These are all perfectly normal things that an individual can go through.

Although, spending too much time alone can get lonely and frustrating which can become an issue.

Do you feel like you don’t want to talk to people? Does living around people make you want to withdraw in your cocoon?

Do you feel exhausted by the thought of spending time with others? If these are some questions bothering you, contact the best psychiatrist in Patna, Dr. Vivek Pratap Singh. 

Why does trauma make you want to be alone? 

Trauma can make people’s life miserable if they cannot handle the feelings and emotions associated with it.

Most typically, people who have gone through some kind of trauma become very sensitive to loud noises, people caring too much, and can cause distress to people with impaired daily functioning. 

People initially experience intrusive thoughts, repetitive involuntary dreams about the event, or flashbacks to that traumatic event. They can not understand how to deal with these thoughts and feelings.

Due to these unwanted feelings people can react aggressively or get irritable about little things. They don’t want to bother their loved ones with what they are feeling in fear of their judgment.

They are ashamed of what they are going through and sometimes tend to blame themselves. 

Is being too independent a trauma response? 

People with past trauma go through a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings that only they know.

And, not everyone shares these thoughts with other people. These experiences result in an emotional dysregulation leading to unpredictable relationships.

Thus, people have difficulty dealing with emotional connection and feel intense loneliness. This causes isolation trauma response and people get scared to trust others. These feelings lead them to do things by themselves and become independent.

They think only they can handle their feelings and are ashamed to show their vulnerability to their loved ones which makes them only trust themselves. 

These people suffer with identity issues making them question their role and where they fit in the society. Self-esteem issues are very common among these people due to their past experiences.

Somehow the traumatic event can make them doubt their ability to live and function. These feelings of shame lead to isolation and detachment from social interaction thinking it will be futile. 

Is self isolation a trauma response?

Yes, self isolation can be a trauma response! To define a trauma response is how one reacts and has learned to deal with emotions.

The way one responds to this trauma is how they have been taught to deal with emotional feelings in childhood.

When people have had no one to rely on in their childhood, they think that ‘I had a lonely childhood, so I can deal with these fears on my own.’ 

Signs you grew up lonely 

The childhood trauma can project into adulthood with their feelings and emotions affected because of the way they dealt with them in their childhood. Signs that the childhood was lonely are 

Attachment issues such as not being able to rely or trust someone to be there for you. 

Constant neglect in childhood can make you very sensitive to criticism. 

Physical or sexual abuse makes a person socially withdrawn and fearful of strangers and unknown people. 

If a person deals with grief with no show of any emotional feeling, they might have experienced a huge loss in the childhood like losing a parent or caregiver. 

Complex PTSD loneliness

The complex trauma in adults feeling lonely and unloved can be most commonly a result of childhood trauma. People with PTSD suffer from loneliness because 

They believe no one can understand their feelings or what they are going through. 

Most commonly people have associated depression with this disorder making it more difficult for people to reach out for help.

There is a certain stigma around seeking mental health care leading to people avoiding seeking treatment for their symptoms. 

This feeling leads to extreme self reliance as a trauma response. 

What does trauma release feel like? 

The trauma release can help one feel better about themselves. There are various trauma release exercises that have shown to promote mental stability by treating unresolved trauma.

It involves stretching that can relieve muscle tension. Some other exercises are sitting in a squatting position to release the tension. Trauma release exercise helps people deal with their trauma and relax the body. 

Trauma release exercises and about the appropriate response can be helpful for people. To understand more about this, contact the neuropsychiatrist in Patna, Dr. Vivek Pratap Singh. 

[deateath]

Ykno what I’m thinking about on this fine day? Sanji. Who is surprised. BUT I was rereading this post by @demonzoro and got to thinking specifically about the “started smoking to make himself seem more mature” thing and how pretending (or being forced by circumstance) to be mature as a child can lead to emotional underdevelopment as an adult.

As an oldest sibling and a former Little Girl with Undiagnosed ADHD™, I was always told I was mature for my age, talked well with adults, was very responsible and self-sufficient, etc. I was by no means forced to be like this, but I understood this was praised behavior so I kept up with it and now look at me lol. So I find myself coming across this problem of emotional maturity occasionally. Emotional maturity is influenced by both your adult mentors and younger peers. And who out of the crew had older siblings, other children as friends, or actual adult figures around who loved them? Most everyone EXCEPT Sanji and Usopp, whose mothers died when they were very young and had almost no other children their age in their life.

BUT TIME OUT: by this logic, am I saying that Luffy is emotionally mature? I guess I am. He’s a goofball and impulsive, sure, but he is the one to bring so many people to these significant moments that realize emotional maturity. He makes Nami ask for help in Arlong Park. He makes Robin say she wants to live. He helps Chopper realize he’s not a monster, and to take a step towards achieving his dream by coming with them. He makes Sanji say what he truly wants and ask for help in Whole Cake AND yells at him at the Baratie (which I mentioned here talking about Sanji’s martyrdom). Not to mention the countless side characters who are inspired by him. OKAY TIME IN.

We clearly see Usopp’s emotional immaturity with his pathological lying and inability to take full responsibility for his mistakes. Though, he wasn’t necessarily robbed of a childhood, he didn’t have figures in his life to teach him about becoming an adult, and his childhood is extended when he didn’t want it to be. He’s not fooling himself, he knows he’s a chicken. And his dream is to become a brave warrior! Usopp’s dream is to leave behind his primary hallmark of emotional immaturity.

Sanji, on the other hand, thinks he’s the epitome of sophisticated manhood, but he is clinging to a childhood he never got to have. We see it when he talks about the All Blue and the way he treats women. Sanji’s dream is to find this fairytale place. And unlike Usopp who as a child lacked adult figures and had plenty of (younger, granted) kids on the island, Sanji lacked other children to be around. His siblings were not normal children, and he spent the whole rest of his youth with grown-ass pirates. To fit in and survive, he had to act mature. But he never learns true maturity. Everything Sanji does is him mimicking how he thinks mature people behave. But he hasn’t learned boundary setting, he hasn’t learned to ask for help, he hasn’t learned to be vulnerable.

(((Also I know Robin had to be mature at a young age as well, but she is 8 years older than the east blue crew so we don’t see her moments of emotional immaturity in the canon storyline. In fact she is likely regarded as the most mature before Jinbe joins. Though one could argue water 7/enies lobby is a demonstration of emotional immaturity from Robin, I think it’s specifically trauma-informed due to the whole Devil Child thing bringing ruin to everyone she ever met until that point. Also Spandam is there and his connection to Ohara/threat of buster call is a bfd. Fic ideas for Robin in her late teens/early twenties struggling with emotions anyone…?)))

————————

Anyway. There’s a point in here somewhere. Sanji is prepared to spend his entire adult life to find this childish fantasy. It could be said that both Usopp and Sanji’s dreams are to obtain what they never had. But the key difference is Usopp is searching for emotional maturity, bravery, because he knows he needs it. Sanji is searching for the childhood he never got and he doesn’t realize he’s missing it.

[mothra-mcyt]

Do you think you could do some headcanons with SMP! Ranboo, SMP! Tommy, and SMP! Tubbo (separately) dealing with/reacting to a doting and kinda parental older brother Reader? Like, Reader cooks for them when they’re hungry, spoils them rotten with affection and meaningful gifts, goes on adventures with them, never yells or gets mad at them, encourages them to be children, and overall is just the best big brother these traumatized kids could ask for.

Speaking of trauma, Reader also helps them deal with theirs by teaching them positive coping mechanisms, like drawing, listening to music, squeezing a stress ball, thinking back on good memories, etc.

For some physical description, I imagine this Reader would be significantly taller then the boys and that he would be very muscular with a comforting sort of Aura, if that makes sense lol

Reader would give the BEST hugs :D

Bonus Points if you could perhaps mention how having a loving and supportive permanent family figure affected these boys! -🐏Anon

(I made the reader 6'6 (198 cm) which makes them taller than Tommy and Tubbo but still shorter than Ranboo because he is canon 8'5 (256 cm) i hope that's alright)

☾ c!Tommy, c!Tubbo, c!Ranboo with a big brother reader ☽

!Warnings: Non!

》 Tommy 《

Honestly as soon as he meets you and talks to you for a little he already sees you as an older brother

Since wilbur died he never really had a parental/older brother figure to guide and take care of him

(And let's be honest Philza also didn't really take care of him so you being there for him is really improving his mental health)

Calls out your name whenever he is scared or needs help

Definitely calls you big bro

Is very scared of loosing you because of Wilbur leaving him so whenever he searches for you and can't find you he starts panicking

Once he lied to you and he found out and was really scared that you were gonna yell at him but when you asked him calmly why he lied to you and didn't react bad he was so confused because that is what he was used to with Dream

He regularly has nightmares from all the trauma and once he was brave enough to go to you for help

Was really scared you were mad at him for waking you up but when you asked him to cuddle with you after he explained what happened to you he was so thankful

After that always comes to you after having a nightmare

Talks about how annoyed he is that you're taller than him but he actually really likes it because it makes the hugs feel so much better

Really wants to go on adventures with you (honestly probably just drags you along with him)

At first tries be act like a grown adult around you because that is what he had to get used to but when you encouraged him to enjoy the remaining years of his childhood he just started the most childish shit

Sometimes you do need to hold him back from doing too dangerous stuff

》 Tubbo 《

Honestly he really needs a guiding figure in his life

Everyone always gives him so much responsibilities and so much he has to take care of that he can't even enjoy his childhood

Most of the time he doesn't even know what to do when all these people lay their trust in his hands

Always asks you for advice because he just trusts you

Honestly he's so relieved that you're there for him and take some weight of his shoulders

When he's really exhausted from all the things he has to do and take care of he just likes to cuddle with you and talk with you about the stuff that happened during his day

Slowly he started realising that he doesn't have to behave like a strong adult around you so he starts doing all the stuff he wanted to do as a child but didn't have time to

Uses your height and strengh as an advantage to make you give him piggyback rides

Once when he was really anxious you drew with him as a way to distract him from the stress and through that he found his interest for art

He would start to act more like a child and less like an adult

Would definitely call you big bro and constantly talk about how much of an inspiration you are to him

Looks up to you with you being his older brother figure

》 Ranboo 《

Oh lord please help this anxious boy with memory problems he desperately is in need for a guiding older brother that he can trust

When he gets anxious in social situations or in general you let him take your hand to help him calm down

You're the first person he tells about the dream voice in his head, the memory problems, enderwalk state etc.

Honestly just give him a hug, please do it, he really needs one

Please this boy has no idea how to cool food for himself please oh lord help him

When you notice that he's scared to voice his opinion in a large group of people or just in general you always ask him for his opinion making sure that he doesn't feel uncomfortable

You saw him having his first panic attack when you searched for him and found him in his panic room

After calming him down you give him advice on how to stop yourself from having a panic attack when you're not there for him

Memory boy is definitely not used to getting affection and feeling cared for so when you showed that you cared for him he nearly started crying

"Big bro sniff i need to let you know sob that i threw up and i don't know how-"

Also him introducing you to Phil (who immediately adopts you) and Techno (who at first doesn't really trusts you)

Masterlist

[makeste]

some follow-up thoughts on BnHA 306

mostly Deku angst, but also a little Baku angst (and some TodoBaku angst) mixed in for good measure. because there’s plenty of angst to go around.

1. “if I’d only been stronger...”

I’ll talk more about Deku later in this post as well, because there’s definitely plenty to talk about; this is the most character development he’s gotten in almost 200 chapters. but for starters, I want to discuss the possible parallels between Deku’s current character arc, and what is arguably the most iconic moment of angst/character development in the series.

remember how this kid, who up until this point had rarely seemed to give two fucks about the world around him, suddenly revealed that he blamed himself for being the downfall of All Might? remember how it came almost out of nowhere? how he’d been hiding it, and trying to suppress it? “but even if I try to forget... sometimes it all just comes rushing back.”

yeah. so anyway, I got to thinking -- if being the cause of one hero’s downfall could affect someone this badly, what about being responsible for the downfall of all heroes?

what if a boy who wanted nothing more than to keep people safe suddenly found himself at the epicenter of a disaster that killed hundreds, possibly even thousands of people?

now obviously, this is not the sole thing that’s troubling Deku right now; this kid has a whole array of traumas as of the War arc. like, you know it’s bad when Society As We Know It Coming To An End Partially Because Of You is the least of your problems. but still, I think this is worth bringing up, because the hero kids blaming themselves for things that aren’t their fault is hardly anything new. and yet, what with everything else that’s been going on -- all of the Todoroki drama, and Vestige revelations, and hospital antics, and political strife -- I feel like it’s easy to forget or overlook this little detail.

the fact is that AFO put this entire plan into motion solely in the hopes of finally obtaining OFA. every single thing that happened at Jakku -- Tomura powering up; Machia waking up and going on his rampage (after being ordered to do so by Tomura); and even Dabi/Touya choosing this moment to finally strike (because he knew this was when the reveal would do the maximum damage -- when people’s faith in heroes was already wavering) -- every last bit of it can ultimately be traced back to AFO’s desire to steal OFA. which, obviously, makes it AFO’s fault, not Deku’s. but then, Kamino wasn’t actually Katsuki’s fault either. it wasn’t his fault the villains went after him (but he blamed himself anyway), and it wasn’t his fault that people got hurt in the ensuing battle to save him (but he blamed himself anyway).

just. I think we’re underestimating just how strong of an impact all of this likely had on Deku. we haven’t really had the chance to see him process it yet. he’s been too busy, and there have been too many other things going on. but I’m telling you guys, that empty look in his eyes in the final page of the chapter? I can all but guarantee you that at least some of that emotional weight is coming from this.

sure would be nice if he had a friend who knew exactly what that was like, and could help him process the guilt and all of the other associated emotions, just like Deku once helped him. unfortunately I’m not so sure things will be that easy this time around. anyways though let’s move on to a couple of other thoughts and speculations.

2. “...and I bullied him.”

one of my least-favorite BnHA fanfic tropes is the one where the rest of class 1-A somehow finds out about Katsuki and Deku’s history -- i.e. that Katsuki bullied Deku throughout most of their childhood. mind you, it’s not the concept itself that I dislike; it’s mostly how it’s used. a lot of times it’s just an excuse to have all of the other kids turn on Katsuki and ostracize him; either because the author thinks that’s what he deserves, or else so that Deku can eventually come to his rescue and defend him and shame the rest of the class for not seeing how much he’s changed. either way, it’s usually pretty awkward to read, and more often than not the characters are pretty OOC (especially Ochako and Todoroki).

however! there’s a big difference between fanfic and canon, and just because I’m not a fan of this trope in the former doesn’t mean it couldn’t be executed well in the latter. and lately I’ve been thinking about this a lot. mainly for three reasons:

the recent (can we still call it recent?? well whatever) scene where Katsuki confessed to All Might that he used to bully Deku is now one of my favorite scenes in the entire series, and proof that this can be executed well.

both Todoroki and Deku have finally had their respective big secrets revealed to the rest of the class. so like, idk. feels like it just might be secret-revealing season now, you know?

and lastly, as a result of Deku’s secret about OFA finally being revealed, the rest of 1-A now either knows, or can extrapolate, that he used to be quirkless.

and from there, I feel like it’s not all that hard to put two and two together with how terrible Kacchan and Deku’s relationship was when they first started at UA. that’s not a terribly difficult puzzle to solve. so I feel like it might come out anyway, and if so, I’d prefer Bakugou telling them himself, and taking responsibility as part of his atonement process. because we know that he regrets it. we know their relationship has changed. we know that he has changed. and so I think I might like to see this.

alternately, if confessing to the entire class is too much, at the very least I could see him confessing to Shouto, because I’ve always felt like this was one of the big things that made Katsuki so resistant to letting Todoroki call him a friend. because I feel like there’s a part of Katsuki that saw the parallels between Endeavor’s abuse of Shouto and his own bullying of Deku, and thought, he wouldn’t be so quick to call me his friend if he actually knew the truth. and so there’s actually been this roadblock wedged between them this whole time that Shouto doesn’t even know about. because Shouto hates Endeavor. and so it’s not such a leap to assume he’d hate Katsuki too if he knew just how terrible he’d been to Deku when they were younger.

not that I think he actually would! actually I don’t think either of those things is actually true (because Shouto clearly doesn’t hate his father either, in spite of everything that’s happened). but the point isn’t what I think -- the point is what Katsuki thinks. and I really do think there’s a good chance he’s worried about Shouto hating him, and it’s one of the things that’s made him so reluctant to accept his friendship. anyway, so I’m really just rambling now, but you get my point. I don’t know if this is actually going to happen, but it’s a scene I would like to see if Horikoshi decides to indulge me.

3. “...so when you wake up, please give him my best.”

and now, as promised, back to Deku.

ngl guys, when I first saw this image, my immediate thought was that Gran must have died. because I mean, hello, leaving U.A.?? donning himself in his teacher’s old cape?? empty, exhausted look in his eyes?? what else were we supposed to think lol.

but maybe that was an overreaction. because when I think about it more, Gran’s death isn’t strictly necessary in order to push Deku over the edge. first of all, there’s already the whole “hero society is in ruins now because of you” thing I mentioned earlier. but also, there are just so many other things. like, let’s just list them here because omg. what a rough couple of days this kid had.

he was forced to battle TomurAFO and was terribly injured in the process (most of which was his own fault, but he wouldn’t have gone that far with OFA unless he felt like he had no choice)

and it wasn’t just him that was injured, either. in fact, even though he tried to act as bait to keep everyone else safe, he wasn’t able to stop three of the people closest to him from nearly being killed right before his eyes

and of course that last one was especially traumatic, because it was Kacchan, and because he had to watch Kacchan nearly die just to protect him. out of all the things that Deku witnessed in this arc, this might be the one that had the biggest impact on him

he was also basically helpless to do anything to protect Shouto and Endeavor when Dabi showed up. so again, we have this running theme of people he cares about being hurt and him not being able to save them

and he also got sucked into the OFA Interstellar Dream Vortex for a brief spell during the battle, during which he learned that AFO had possessed Tomura. more importantly, he learned that Tomura was Nana’s grandson, a fact which was only briefly touched on during that scene, but which I think wound up being the trigger to the whole avalanche that ended with Deku leaving UA. but more on that in a moment

anyway so just to wrap this all up, the battle eventually ended, Tomura got away despite all of their efforts, and then Deku wound up comatose in the hospital for two days. which brings us to the most recent chapters, during which

Deku learns that he will be the last wielder of OFA, whether he likes or not

Deku learns the identity of the last two mystery OFA users

and then at some point, he wakes up and presumably talks to Gran, and winds up with his cape

something happened during these last two scenes which helped to push Deku over the edge. I won’t delve into the matter of the Second or Third users for now, although most of you already know my suspicions regarding that, and I do think that would fit into the general pattern here (that is, the pattern of Deku feeling more and more strongly that he is putting the people around him in danger, and his fear of losing them becoming so overwhelming that it eventually pushes him to leave).

but that’s not what I want to talk about for now. what I want to talk about is Gran. specifically, what it is that Deku discussed with Gran. and this is where we come back to that reveal I mentioned earlier -- that Tomura is Nana’s grandchild.

basically, what I think happened is that Deku mentioned seeing Nana in the OFA Zany Psychedelic Spirit Void, which led to the topic of Tomura, and the fun fact Deku recently learned about him being related to Nana. this, in turn leads to Gran divulging his various regrets about everything that happened with him and Nana and Kotarou. his intent is to apologize to Deku for placing the burden of their failures on him. unfortunately, the part that Deku actually gets fixated on instead is this:

All for One hunted down and killed Nana’s son (and probably her husband as well), and stole her grandchild and psychologically tortured him into becoming a mass murderer, for no other reason than that Nana had once held OFA

in other words, AFO can and will hurt and kill anyone Deku is close to, anyone who has any kind of connection to him at all, without mercy, and regardless of whether it actually gives him any kind of tactical advantage or not. he’ll do it simply to hurt him. no other reason necessary.

I don’t know about you, but for me that would be a terrifying realization. and for Deku, I think it just might have been the tipping point.

so, let’s recap.

Deku learns that AFO is after him

AFO/Tomura very nearly kills several of Deku’s most important people, including Kacchan

and then he learns that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and realizes that all of their lives are still in danger and will continue to be as long as Deku is AFO’s target

and then add to all of this the misplaced guilt about society already being shambles, and the heroes already having more than enough to worry about. they’re barely holding things together as it is. and we already know how Deku feels about being a burden to them:

and so instead, he leaves. of course he does. in hindsight, I think this was inevitable.

the question is, did anyone else also put the pieces together in time to realize what Deku was planning before he actually left? specifically, did Katsuki, who understands Deku’s self-sacrificial nature better than anyone else, see the signs and put two and two together? like he did back at Jakku?

and if he did, would Deku have been willing to accept his help again?

somehow, I can’t help but think it might not be that easy this time.

anyway, so that was a lot of rambling, lol. sorry about that. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS about all of this angsty shit. tired nomad Deku needs hugs and comfort and someone to reassure him that he doesn’t have to face this alone, and that everything is going to be all right. HE IS JUST A LITTLE BOY. this is too much, and I cannot handle any of these feels, and oh my god, somebody please help him.

[bratz-kitten]

attack on titan characters - birth chart analysis 🌙

Here is my take on the big 6 of Levi, Eren, Armin and Mikasa of attack on titan/shingeki no kyojin! I kept their sun signs since we know the day and month of their birthday and since I think they’re absolutely perfect. If you want me to do my take on the others (like Jean, Historia, Erwin, Hanji, Connie, Sasha, Reiner, etc) please let me know! (spoiler warning!)

Levi Ackerman

sun in capricorn - levi mf ackerman is fuelled by three things and three things only: LOYALTY, a strong moral code and power. he is seen by most people as a heartless, unemotional bastard but is canonically the most emotional character - he shows love through very indirect ways and he’s the peak of capricorn in the sense that he represses his emotions – he smiled literally ONE time in four seasons, and didn’t once shed a tear. he’s very hard to read. has a lot of respect for his superiors and follows the orders of only those he’s loyal to. he’s driven by his moral codes in the sense that the protection of humanity is his prime motive for fighting titans. like a true capricorn, is the master of his field of work and cares the most about being a survey corp member. please protect this tragic baby. 

virgo rising - two words: CLEAN FREAK. this man has a strong need to be presentable at all times and hates getting blood on his hands for the single fact that he needs himself and his environment to be clean. his obsession with being clean is very much due to his childhood trauma and how he lived in in poor conditions in the underground. he has many quirks that correlate with this: the way he holds his cup, the carvat he uses bc of his mother, and the way he always cuts his own hair because that’s the way his mother used to do it.  intimidating and demands respect. DRY HUMOUR. 

moon in scorpio - i think he has many similarities with mikasa, especially in the moon and venus. introverted and hates people but will go to the ends of the earth to protect the ones he loves and respects. represses emotions and internalizes his hatred until he has a mental breakdown - which happens in the form of extreme violence. VERY sensitive and emotional even if he doesn’t show it. he’s very intuitive and often acts based on gut; he’s secretive and vindictive. very wise and great at giving advice. doesn’t let himself get manipulated and uses shitty situations to his advantage (like with the reeves company). trust is the most important thing to him.

mercury in aquarius - levi is extremely logical, and hates when others involve their feelings in the making of decisions. his decisions are always backed up by strong arguments and others often see him as cold and detached. i saw someone  mention something extremely interesting about aquarius mercury’s/people with their mercuries in the 11th house: despite not being very sociable, others are drawn to them for friendships – and often they’re the introverts who get “adopted” by extroverts. this is 100% levi’s case, hanji and erwin practically adopted him. being very vulgar with his words and having a distinctive sense of humour, he’s very humanitarian and is actually really talkative but only when he’s very comfortable around someone. blunt, always tells it like it is – like when he tells eren he can’t know what the right choice really is and he needs to choose it himself. teases and insults his friends as a form of affection.

mars in scorpio - levi’s a fighter, a survivor. he knows what it’s like to come from nothing and have to build himself up. very confrontational. reclaims his power by exerting intimidation and mastering violence. others fear doing as much as make a joke at his expense. understands other’s motivations and characters very easily. he’s very intuitive. very serious due to his need for having an intense and demanding presence, for being respected and valued. he’s the one who everyone sighs of relief when things go to shit and he appears because you know he’s the strongest and most dependable person.

venus in capricorn - good luck getting this motherfucker to open up. his trust is very hard to gain but is necessary for working with him – he places his full trust in his comrades and demands the same from them. very work-oriented and takes relationships very serious; it’s really telling that he cares little for romance because capricorn venuses are the ones to date to marry, and will only devote themselves to someone once they believe they’ve met the one. they either want a more powerful and mature partner or they exude that energy (levi is the latter). slightly parental – we see this in the way that levi is pretty much the dad figure. it’s called squad levi for a reason, after all. very responsible. takes care of loved ones and often uses tough love as a form of discipline.

Eren Jaeger - im not even kidding with this one, he has extreme aries energy

sun in aries - eren feels the need to be very independent and he hates whenever he has to depend on mikasa and others, wanting to be strong enough to reverse the roles. he’s very self-confident, bold and direct. very impulsive, he’s quick to anger but is also very quick to forget - especially seen with his arguments with jean, fighting him is basically a love language at this point. aries suns are very fast thinkers and their strong energy may come off as intimidating. they have great intentions but that often becomes muddled with their impulsivity and the fact that they don’t think ideas through. eren is unabashedly himself and fights relentlessly for what he wants. his aries energy also makes him extremely motivated! he believes in the impossible and will make it happen no matter what.

aries rising – aries risings are the trailblazers. they ooze intensity. eren has very much a baby face and, due to his impulsivity and childish charm, people tend to baby him a lot – in the sense that he’s this kid surrounded by adults who needs supervision at all times or he’ll get into deep shit. aries risings are also marked by their extreme need for action, they’re the ones to do now and apologize later instead of asking for permission to do something in the first place. he is guided by his passion and is a natural leader who inspires everyone to fight alongside him. aries risings have a lot of energy which they need to express in a physical way, making them be prone to be very athletic and lead very active lives. he’s also extremely competitive and is driven by the force of becoming stronger than mikasa, and often feels angry when he realizes how stronger than him other people can be. at the same time, this pressure to be better is put solely on himself. he’s a dumbass with a good-heart and pure intentions.

moon in sagittarius – all this motherfucker talks about is freedom and seeing the world past the walls. he craves adventure and is extremely optimistic. but even if a sagittarius moon needs their freedom, they are still absolutely ride-or-dies and once they’ve commited to something, NOTHING or NO ONE can stop their determination. these are also the people to try their best to always appear cheerful and full of determination to hide their sad façade – like when he was nearly vomiting when talking about the titans to the other recruits when they began the training in the military but still forced himself to say that the titans aren’t scary at all and that they aren’t a big deal; he naturally inspires others and fills them with courage. but the way they put on this strong and brave façade leads to a strong emotional turmoil, violent urges and a sudden hostility to others. they are filled with surpressed anger that can lead them through very destructive paths – and the happy-go-lucky child might just lose her hope. we see this in eren in the most heartbreaking way.

mercury in aries – LOUD!!! eren speaks what’s on his mind with NO hesitation whatsover. he’s very quick to defend his friends and points of view, and speaks openly about his passions and dreams. he’s very assertive and tenacious. short attention span and not afraid to give a different opinion from someone else’s. very passionate about what he argues about. very expressive and when an aries mercury disagrees with you, you’ll know it immediately by their facial expression. confident and thrives on inspiring others. remember him being mad when it was discovered the possibility of all titans being humans because now he didn’t know who the enemy is and he NEEDS to hate someone and blame them in order to keep going? ARIES MERCURY ENERGY!!

mars in aries - people look to mars in aries to lead them. they’re full of energy and dynamic, and very athletic - eren exceeds at hand-to-hand combat and, in the other subjects where he’s not so good, his determination makes him push forward and become better. VERY hot-headed and confrontational, which is both the source of all their problems and their strength - they are not afraid of going after what they want and are willing to go through any obstacle to do so, and they’re also not afraid of upsetting other people in order to do so. eren is courageous, loves to take initiative and is very enthusiastic - something that is very contageous. competitive and hates compromise, he likes getting his own way. aries mars are also very individualistic and can have a huge ego.

venus in pisces - i know this is going to confuse a lot of people - like, how does he have so much aries energy, how is he so intense yet has one of the softest venus placements? i deeply believe he’s a pisces venus, and here’s why. his friends are EVERYTHING to him. pisces venus’ love very deeply and are very dependent on their loved ones, and eren is extremely protective of his loved ones and is willing to do anything to protect them. pisces venus’ are very vengeful, too, something that people seem to brush off about them - they might not do anything when you mess with them but as soon as you mess with their friends it’s game over. i also get a lot of “there was no other way, the word had to be fixed” vibes from this placement? like, this placement gives me the energy of someone willing to commit awful crimes under the excuse of it being for the greater good, which is something he dramatically experiences as he grows older and witnesses the cruelty of the world.

Armin Arlert

sun in scorpio - armin very resourceful!! he easily adapts to the circunstances he’s in and works his way around it. very intelligent and with great memory. extremely manipulative, cunning and perceptive. scorpios are known for their capability to be great investigators due to their natural curiosity, and armin has this deep need to see the world outside of the walls and he studies all there is to know about it with great passion. determined to succeed. 

cancer rising - armin just wants to achieve his dream and it’s so soft. cancer risings are very receptive of other’s emotions and incredibly sensitive, but it’s difficult for them to open up to others. his appearance is very soft and delicate. loves to help others and has a naturally warm presence that makes others feel comfortable in his presence. give off a very grounded and stable energy, but this is often because they try to hide their most intense emotions and don’t know how to deal with them/don’t want to bother others by opening up about it. 

moon in pisces - one word: EMPATHY!!! very compassionate. tendency to become a martyr and be very self-sacrificial. VERY imaginative, he is the strategist, after all. can feel others emotions and read them very easily. avoids confrontation but feels a strong need to take the weight off of others’ shoulders and to solve all their problems. very loving and giving, in tune with his emotions and emotionally intelligent. on the other side, this caring side of him can make him see other people through rose-colored glasses, and he is prone to believing in the best in people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. but when they’ve proven their true nature to him, he’ll see them for what they are and will no longer defend them, even if still feeling remorse. notice how he’s always like “this had to be done, we had no other choice” to justify his actions.

mercury in scorpio - bro armin’s eyes are so intense. when he gets on his manipulative bullshit it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look away from his gaze. he practically communicates through the eyes. armin is very sharp and his innocent appearance has everyone still thinking of him as a sweet angel as if he isn’t a whole war criminal. he easily psychoanalizes others to know what they want and uses it to his advantage, like how he used berthold’s love for annie to manipulate him to let eren go after him and reiner kidnapped him. scorpio mercuries be knowing shit, they be knowing everyone’s secrets and others usually confide in them as if they’re their therapists. 

mars in pisces - mars in pisces makes a person avoid physical confrontation at all costs. notice how armin’s first response to everyone wanting to kill reiner and bertold/the marleyans was “please let’s just talk about this first”? he hates violence and deems it not worthy most times. he is very physically weak and aware of his limitations, unlike eren and levi, whose first instinct is to use violence in order to get what they want. no, armin has developed a much more subtle and effective way to get what he wants without using violence: emotional manipulation. he is the KING of appearing innocent and naïve and having people feel bad for him and want to baby him and protect him, and due to his extremely intuitive nature, he knows EXACTLY what to say to someone to get under their skin. he twists his words and emotions to get what he needs out of people and it’s both incredible and dangerous. also, very self-sacrifical and his goals are based on his emotions.

venus in cancer - he loves so much and it’s so beautiful and heartbreaking. he gives everything to the ones he loves and thrives off of being helpful and keeping everyone safe. reads a lot into the behaviour of the people he loves. very emotionally intelligent, wants stability and to maintain peace and may bend over backwords to achieve that. needs to feel understood and has a soft spot for troubled people, those who are more demanding and assertive (eren and mikasa), people he can take care of and who can take care of him in return. very affectionate and communicative. warm presence, you can pretty much feel the love radiating out of him. 

Mikasa Ackerman 

sun in aquarius - if you get past the emotional walls of an aquarius that has them appearing detached and distant because they’d rather use intelligence than seem emotional, you’ll be met with an incredibly soft, loving and caring person. an aquarius strength is their ability to be very unique, individualistic and humanitarian individuals - they truly march to the beat of their own drum. mikasa possesses a great deal of determination and isn’t afraid of being rebellious, especially when her loved ones are in danger. 

capricorn rising - people with capricorn rising had to learn to be very independent from a very young age. mikasa is very intimidating but she has a very doll-like beauty, common to many capricorn risings. these people have had to deal with a lot ever since childhood, but they are fighters and their determination has them being able to survive even unsurmountable odds stacked up against them. capricorn risings tend to be serious and disciplined, and with a melancholic aura to them – which mikasa perfectly embodies. but the fact that these people have cancer in their descendant makes them strongly emotionally attached to their loved ones.

aquarius moon - even under the most stressful and dangerous situations, mikasa always remains in control of her emotions. she thrives in those situations, it’s the adrenaline of the moment that has her being so good at controlling her emotions until it’s safe to be anything but racional again. aquarius moons are feel very misunderstood and tend to racionalize their emotions a lot. however, it’s only due to their fear of vulnerability that they build this emotional walls, because they experience very intense emotions. i always think about that survey corp member saying “what did you have to go through for you to be like this?” when she was perfectly stable in a life-or-death situation. 

mercury in capricorn - mikasa is incredibly action-oriented and she speaks in a structured but confident way. although she’s on the quieter side and is reserved, she’s able to inspire everyone when all hope seems lost, and she’s taken up eren’s words of “if we don’t fight, we can’t win” and uses it constantly in order to keep going. she’s very hard to read due to her usually expressionless face, giving her a mysterious aura. she’s very ambitious, persuasive and determined. 

mars in capricorn - when people say that mars in capricorn people are the scariest when they’re angry, they’re not wrong. they act so calm and collected until suddenly they’re fixing you with a death glare and you’re rethinking all your life choices up until this point. mikasa might be extremely rational and calm, but as soon as someone threatens the ones she loves, she’ll stop at nothing to eliminate the threat. it’s like she fears nothing but ever being unable not to save them. she’s very responsible and reliable, with a lot of physical strength and stamina. very PROTECTIVE, grounded and GIVING 

venus in virgo - this is one of the things that makes mikasa so similar to levi, the way they love. this bitch is LOYAL to her very core. she knows very well where her loyalties are - eren and armin - and is ready to kill all her close friends and superiors in order to protect them. she threatened to kill historia if she got in the way of getting eren back home safely, jumped levi on sight when he wanted to save erwin instead of armin, and got pissed at connie for doubting eren’s intentions after the whole marleyan ordeal. acts of service are very much her love language - she constantly picks up eren’s and armin’s stuff and carries it herself or orders them to rest while she works. it’s very hard to gain her trust and loyalty but once you do it’s forever, she’s very selective about the people she cares for. she’s possessive, too - giving historia the coldest death glare in the world when she saw her with eren. i’ve also noticed that venus in virgo are very difficult to declare their emotions!! they’ll just wait for the person to notice their indirect acts of affection. very attentive to the needs and details of loved ones.  

[hamliet]

What Does It Mean to Save?

I keep seeing it said that Deku, Ochaco, and Shouto will “save” Shigaraki, Himiko, and Dabi, but that there will be no redemption and/or no survival for them. I’m truly not trying to vague these posts and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but literary criticism is fundamentally responsive so I’m writing this anyways.

I personally think that’s not BNHA’s definition of saving nor of redemption. So here, have a deep dive into literary tropes related to redemption, genre, and character arcs as they pertain to BNHA and the question of: what does it mean to save Shigaraki, Touya, and Himiko?

Before we begin, let me say that while we might be personally uncomfortable with redemption (there’s a redemption arc in BNHA I am personally quite uncomfortable with), that doesn’t inherently mean the narrative won’t go there. The key principle I’m operating on here is BNHA’s message that heroes save people. It’s held up as the highest ideal. 

So let’s talk redemption in BNHA-verse. With this guy, whose redemption arc I dislike in principle but accept as part of the story so don’t come for me stans and/or antis. I’m analyzing because it shows us what redemption means in BNHA-verse, whether or not that is satisfying to you personally as it fits/does not fit with your own morality/philosophy.

If Endeavor can be redeemed and live, and he’s Bakugou’s negative foil, I highly doubt Shigaraki and Deku as well as Touya and Shouto and Ochaco and Himiko will be any different. Why? Because Enji is an adult character. The others--well, Himiko’s age we don’t know, but we do know that Shigaraki and Dabi are technically adults. But does the story consider them adults?

(It doesn’t.)

Child-coded characters are generally more likely to survive a redemption, which I’ll explain more later. First I have to define what I mean by child-coding, because I DO NOT mean this in the way it’s often (mis)used in fandom wank. Child-coding is a real thing, but it is not done to infantilize and it has nothing to do with shipping.

Child coding frames the character as a child for a few narrative purposes to convey a story’s theme or purpose. For example, if it’s a coming of age story coding a character as a child even if they legally are not emphasizes their journey to an understanding of self-actualization, or a true understanding of self with self-awareness and an understanding of self-value. An example of an adult coded as a child is The Kite Runner, wherein Amir is a legal adult for half the story, even married for fifteen years so we’re talking 30s-40s, but he does not truly become an adult until he returns to his homeland and takes responsibility for a childhood sin. In Attack on Titan, the main characters are now nineteen, but are still struggling to take responsibility as adults and have only started doing so now that their mentors/parental figures have started dying.

Along those lines, in any kind of story, you can code a character as a child of someone, regardless of biological relationship, to convey the type of relationship they have (usually a mentor one). For an example of this, see Bungo Stray Dogs’ Dazai and Akutagawa. Despite their two year age difference, Dazai recruited him to the mafia, abandoned him, and Akutagawa desperately seeks his approval. Usually in these stories a character will “overcome” their parental figure. This can be done through overcoming their need for the parental figure’s approval in stories where the parental figure is kindly (such as in Harry Potter, when in the final book Harry, Ron, and Hermione leave the Weasleys to find the Horcruxes despite Mrs. Weasley’s please) or through like, killing/stopping/leaving the parental figure when they are abusive (see fairy tales like Rapunzel and Cinderella). The parental link to self-actualization is because it is childlike (and a part of actual psychology that is reflected in literature) to see yourself as a part of your parent; self-actualized person would see yourself as a distinct person from your parent, but also acknowledge the ways in which they’ve shaped you.

So, how do you code a character as a child? BNHA isn’t subtle about it, because Horikoshi seldom is subtle about anything. The villain trio are all coded as children.

Shigaraki Tomura:

Who cannot achieve self-actualization so long as AFO has access to his body, as he’s literally trying to possess him. He’s trying, but it’s not gonna work because Shigaraki can’t keep AFO and become an adult at the same time. It’s a choice the narrative is setting up: your dream of destroying, or your freedom? (To get the latter, he’ll probably have to destroy AFO).

Todoroki Touya, who is repeatedly emphasized as a small child when compared to his siblings, and yes, I know he’s now tall. Specifically he’s spotlighted as the child of Endeavor:

And he’s the least self-actualized one in a lot of ways, contradicting himself constantly. I’m not Endeavor, DUH! But these are Endeavor’s flames! He’s gonna have to choose one or the other, because the tragic irony is that the more he takes out his rage on those around him, the more like Endeavor he becomes.

And Toga Himiko (who might well literally be a legal child), who is actually the most self-actualized one thus far, because she rejects Curious’s child insistence (Curious holds her in a Pieta pose, based on Michelangelo’s statue wherein Mary holds a deceased Christ):

She’s still got, like, a way to go though:

Because Himiko also wants to be like the people she loves to the point where she loses her own identity in them, which is er, not self-actualization. So she’ll have to choose whether or not she really wants to be like the people she loves or whether she wants to live her own way, which she herself tells us how that would end (death):

Deku said it himself: it’s good to focus on what someone is doing now. And look, I have issues with this statement and how it’s framed. I’ve talked about it at length and it was doomed to fail because Shouto himself told us long ago that it was annoying to hear a righteous speech by a stranger when you hadn’t gone through the same, plus Endeavor kinda failed by choosing being a hero over a dad here. But, the principle is that if the past doesn’t preclude Endeavor from seeking a better self, why would it preclude three characters coded as children, one of whom is literally somewhat the product of Endeavor’s sins? BNHA doesn’t think the past keeps someone from a better future. 

So what about Dabi’s counterpoint, which is indeed valid? Well, redemption doesn’t mean the past forgets, either. It’s complicated and nuanced, and we can debate how well Horikoshi strikes this nuance (it’s got its flaws), and admittedly I don’t know how this will go down in the future. But it is asking Endeavor: how do you redeem yourself to the people you’ve hurt? And we have Endeavor asking this question to Touya’s shrine. I mean, the foreshadowing is obvious. Endeavor has to redeem himself by trying to save Touya. However, it will still probably come down to Shouto to save Touya.

For our three villains, it’s a little harder to predict... well, sort of. For Shigaraki it’s extremely obvious: he has to help take down AFO. Dabi probably has to do something to help his family (siblings probably), but it’s vague. Toga needs help and not condemnation, but presumably she’ll help Ochaco with something.

So, is this redemption? I’d define it as redemption in the eyes of the narrative. To address what makes a redemption is another essay unto itself, but if we bring in the oft-compared Star Wars example: did Darth Vader get a redemption? Did Ben Solo? Everyone says yes to both. However, only Luke witnesses Vader’s redemption, and only Rey Ben Solo’s. So the rest of the galaxy? Doesn’t think so. When I say they’ll be redeemed, I’m defining it as their role in the eyes of the narrative, not whether or not society will accept them or even whether their victims will forgive them (of note, in canonical novels, Leia never forgave Darth Vader despite learning he was her father and obviously knowing Luke’s account of his redemption was true).

So, redemption in a narrative doesn’t mean all of society has to forgive and accept them. Dabi has still like, murdered 30 people--many of whom were thugs, but he himself acknowledges they didn’t deserve to die. Additionally, he himself also acknowledges that the families left behind--their feelings matter:

But why does that mean they have to die? Why even does it mean they have to languish in prison forever? (If there’s even a safe prison at the end of BNHA which I kinda have doubts about.) Heroes have also killed: see Hawks as Exhibit A. In fact, some people want revenge on the heroes precisely because they arrested or killed their loved ones (jail isn’t held up as a rehabilitative place in BNHA’s world. In most countries it isn’t in real life, either, but again that’s for another essay). So why don’t the League’s feelings on Twice’s death matter just as much as the feelings of unnamed and unseen (and thereby less important narratively) characters?

Additionally, regarding death... the villains routinely get called on their death wishes. Himiko’s determination to decide how/when she dies is called out because this is right  before Twice overcomes his trauma to save her, and the next arc they appear in is when Twice dies trying to save her again. Dabi’s suicide wish keeps him from getting close to others, and it keeps getting thwarted. Shigaraki’s obsession with destruction and death is clearly not a good thing, and his rejection of his family’s desire for them to join him in death this past arc is growth.

In other words: what Dabi said and what Snatch said about families and how they feel matter for the villains too. The villains are their own weird found family (Dabi as the deadbeat prodigal brother of both his families). Their deaths--Magne’s and Twice’s thus far, and I’m not ruling out further deaths in the future--affect the others. People’s feelings on losing loved ones matter. The villains are people, as Himiko said herself this arc:

Their feelings about each other matter:

How would Touya dying affect the Todorokis? At least they saved him spiritually, I guess, but that’s absolutely lame narratively, and if you have Enji eventually do a sacrifice to save Dabi (pretty likely, even if I personally think Enji will survive said sacrifice) then what’s the point of Dabi dying? How would Himiko dying affect society? As a martyr like Curious wanted her to be, even a redeemed one? A tragic warning story? What even is the point of Ochaco saving her if that’s the case? If Shigaraki dies, well, who would mourn besides Deku? How would Shigaraki dying affect the surviving members of the league? He just couldn’t be saved physically? 

It’s not impossible some of this happens, but it doesn’t seem like great writing, especially with panels like, oh, these that show us BNHA’s perspective on death:

Sacrificing something is a type of death that occurs in stories; this should happen in a redemption arc, which is why I’ve been saying Enji needs to sacrifice his hero reputation to help save Touya and even then it’ll still be Shouto imo who does the saving. But physical death?

If you want further analysis of the latter two panels and how they relate to the ending, see here.

We already have another villain who will definitely die redemptively (Kurogiri--an adult coded character--because he’s already, like, dead), and Spinner and Mr. Compress aren’t coded as kids so I hold them with anxiety towards the end. But again, this isn’t me being ageist or saying this is the way things ought to be in fiction or real life: it’s me looking at writing tropes and saying that child-coded characters tend to survive their redemptions. See: Zuko. Why? Because the death of children or child-coded characters is a tragedy. When a child-coded character dies redemptively it doesn’t feel like a happy ending and if framed as such, it’s often criticized for bad writing (see: Ben Solo). Curious even called this out in her fight with Himiko. I would hope Horikoshi doesn’t end the story being like yeah Curious was right that’s the best use of Himiko’s/Dabi’s/Shigaraki’s arcs:

Additionally, as for the believability of a character getting a new chance after so much destruction and murder... well, it’s kinda a thing in shonen and even in seinen? For better or for worse, it’s a thing. We have Vegeta in Dragon Ball Z and Kaneki Ken in Tokyo Ghoul (Kaneki, by the way, is absolutely an inspiration for Shigaraki). We can debate how well-written these redemptions are (I personally have been quite critical of Kaneki’s despite wanting it to happen narratively), but it can be done. BNHA’s Japan especially isn’t as harsh a world as Tokyo Ghoul’s Japan, so it would make even more sense for something like Kaneki’s ending.

The reality is that the cycle of revenge via hurting people and then leaving hurting families and loved ones has to stop somewhere. Someone has to be the bigger person and step up and be like “naw.” That’s heroic. That’s brave. That’s sacrificial itself. Justice itself doesn’t really exist in its purest form without mercy.

There’s another genre-reason I don’t see death or jail as likely (I could see, like, maybe a mental health ward like Rei’s? But it’s too soon to speculate).

If saving is considered a good thing for the story, if it’s truly the highest ideal, then saving someone should be rewarded by the narrative. The characters who save should have a positive result to show us this a good thing.

This is why it doesn’t work for the heroes’ end journey to be accepting that some people cannot be saved. The notion of just accepting that you cannot do something, you cannot save everyone, you cannot, cannot, cannot, is called out as a flaw of society. Determination, on the other hand, is rewarded.

We see it with Deku as well as with Mirio.

So, what if they save them and the redeemed characters then go on to sacrifice themselves in their redemption and die (come to the same end)? If saving changes absolutely nothing for the saved person, if it’s too late for the saved from themselves to change and/or do anything that matters besides die, then the narrative theme of saving as important is left unemphasized at best and undermined at worst. Simple intrinsic knowledge that the kids “did the right thing” doesn’t cut it for a story with so much focus on physical saving when the kids are already doing the right thing; moral struggles about whether to choose to be good aren’t really Deku, Ochaco, or Shouto’s arcs. It works for Aizawa’s arc with Kurogiri, but not for the kiddos. If BNHA was more of a philosophical/spiritual text, that would indeed make sense, but it is not. Genre-wise, BNHA is a fantastical superhero optimistic story, not a gritty real-world set drama.

[adhbabey]

it feels a bit awkward for me to be asking this but what are things you consider as signs of dissociation? Can you be aware that you are dissociating while it is happening? I'm asking since I feel like zone out/disconnect myself a LOT (especially when certain topics come up).

You don't have to answer if you don't want to by the way! I just wanted to know your opinion. Thank you! <33

In terms of general dissociation, anyone can dissociate. But when you do it too often or everyday, then there lies in a problem.

Here's some different ways you may be dissociating, as well as different types of dissociation.

Daydreaming, spacing out, zoning out. this is the most common form, to which everyone has experienced. You can be understimulated and do this, or you could just be tired. You do not have to have a dissociative disorder to dissociate this way.

Denial. By this, I mean people who actively deny situations are happening to them, what people say, brushing off things, feeling like you're faking it or minimizing the troubles you face. Like, "oh it's not that bad, they didn't hurt me physically. etc." People tend to brush over this side of dissociation, but its a huge part of it.

Depersonalization/derealization. To experience this type of dissociation you must have a dissociative disorder, DPDR all the way up to DID. This is when you completely disconnect from yourself or the world around you. Commonly, not recognizing yourself in the mirror. Feeling like you aren't real, feeling like your relationships aren't real, feeling like you don't know the people around you. Also seeing yourself as fake/like a puppet, seeing the world as unreal or fake, not feeling like your body is yours, etc. This is an intense form of dissociation, and can happen due to stress, or often randomly for systems.

Dissociative apathy/amnesia. This is also a dissociative disorder thing, this really doesn't happen to people without some form of OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder) or DID. (Reminder, systems ONLY include DID/OSDD-1, the rest are not systems). When dissociative barriers are strong, people may lose time (have blackouts), or they may become emotionally numb(autopilot type mode). This only ever happens in stressful situations, or when the dissociative barrier is too big. Like say you have a panic attack, you may either completely stop crying/freaking out and go numb, or you lose time, and block out the memories of why that happened. This is a trauma response. This is the reason why many people may not have memories of their childhood or traumatic experience.

You are right in the fact that you can dissociate via a trigger. It may feel totally random or out of the blue, but often times you can experience an emotional flashback and dissociate. All dissociative disorders experience complicated post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Similar to regular PTSD, we experience flashbacks. But because C-PTSD is developed from prolonged trauma, there is not just a single instance of trauma, its from over a long period of time. So instead of regular flashbacks, we experience emotional flashbacks, when they are triggered, we will experience an intense emotion and often dissociate because of that.

In general dissociation is a disconnection, and there are long term effects to that. In more stressful or traumatic times in your life, you may have felt more lonely or had a harder time forming relationships. It is because your brain is trying to protect you, and all you can really focus on is survival. So please do not blame yourself if you are in a bad situation and you have a hard time making friends, its not your fault.

Trouble processing is also a big part of this. You may repress memories or emotions while in traumatic or stressful situations. You may feel confused or start to freak out when confronted with information that may be triggering. So take your time and don't overload yourself with information. It's okay to just accept things as they go and figure it out later. This also includes dream-reality confusion, when you think your dreams are reality, and when you think your memories are dreams, I experience this.

The biggest thing about all of this is your brain is trying to keep you safe. Do not feel the need to justify your existence or relationship with dissociation. They're covert disorders for a reason. Most people don't know they're a system or even have trauma. You could have thought your relationships were fine, or your parents were nice, or your childhood was okay. Your brain kept it from you to protect you. Be kind to yourself. The dissociation decreases when you start to accept the things that happened, and when you be gentle with yourself. It's a coping mechanism, it happens when you aren't in a safe space.

Build a little sanctuary for yourself, and then you can start to unravel what's happening.