#i don’t know if I’m gonna sleep at all tonight
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WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING, rafe cameron, 19
summary: y/n left the outer banks years ago, determined to build a life far from the memories of her childhood love, rafe cameron. now a botanist, she's moved on-though a quiet part of her still clings to the past. when an event brings her back to OBX, she's forced to confront the one person she never truly forgot.
cw: none | masterlist | 18 | 20 |
rafeupdates 3h
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rafeupdates Rafe Cameron spotted out with friends tonight in the Outer Banks before his sister’s wedding! He was seen laughing and talking with the group, but fans couldn’t help but notice one mystery girl who had his attention all night. 👀 Who is she??
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carter_bby WHO is the girl in the black dress bc Rafe was looking at her like she hung the moon
rafeszn nahhh this gotta be the girl he’s always singing about… he’s back home, the lyrics always mention ‘small town’ and ‘should’ve never left’ 👀
rafecameronwifey y’all I’m sick. physically unwell.
user not me abt to deep dive through his following. we will FIND HER.
brooklyn24 lmao let me know what you find bc I need answers.
kildarefan someone in the group tagged a girl on their story but her acc is PRIVATE. this might be her 😭
obsessedoverrafe he better not be soft-launching someone right now bc I’ll actually cry.
carolinagirlxo I’m gonna hold off my jealousy until we have real proof but it’s NOT looking good for us 😭
rafeswife the way he’s staring at her in EVERY clip… like sir blink twice if ur okay
user24 um. y’all. the girl literally has a boyfriend 😭 there’s a pic in someone’s story where a guy has his arm around her.
camrafe WAIT and in another one they’re literally kissing wtf. Rafe why u staring like that 😭
basketballbaby NOOOO NOT UNREQUITED FEELINGS I CAN’T DO THIS TODAY
allthingsrafe no bc imagine being her bf and seeing rafe cameron looking at ur girl like that… I’d simply walk into the ocean.
xorafe wait. didn’t he say in that interview last year that he was in love with a girl who had a boyfriend??? and we all thought he was joking??
xoangelkiss LMFAO NOT RAFE LIVING HIS OWN LYRICS. THIS IS A FANFIC.
abelfan the way we should’ve KNOWN bc he makes music w the weeknd… of COURSE he’s gonna be messy 😭
rafeupdates2.0 hold on bc people are saying her bf isn’t even all that… let’s be so serious.
camwife imagine having rafe cameron writing songs abt u and u still picking some random dude. could never be me
user idk y’all I saw the bf and he’s actually kinda fine, like I lowkey get it 😭
user yeah he’s cuteee I’d be loyal too tbh
angelrafe her man is cute but rafe being obsessed with her is kinda eating… like the plot is juicing rn.
rafesgf watch her be an old family friend or something and we’re all losing our minds for nothing 💀
a/n: ngl i think it’s safer for this story, that i don’t write/update bc the only thing in my head is angst angst. i’m sorry it’s taken almost a month for this chapter but i’m like basically finished drafting the rest of the story so.. i originally wanted to end the story on valentine’s day but yk ill say it’ll be done by the end of the month!!
🏷️: @xoxo-ada @sabrina-carpenter-stan-account @sleepiibunniiii @urbrunettebombshell @sideboobrry11 @acidfeens @marleymarleymarleymarley @hadids-world @ursogorgeous13 @louxmcl @cyberkitty1 @pogueprincesa @drewrry @the-oracle-at-delphinitely-not
#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron#rafe cameron fanfiction#outer banks#rafe fic#rafe cameron smau#rafe x reader#rafe social media au#rafe smau#rafe cameron social media au#rafe drabble#rafe x you#rafe fanfiction#rafe imagine#rafe outer banks#outerbanks rafe#obx x you#obx x reader#outer banks social media au#outer banks smau#obx smau#obx social media au#rafe cameron series#obx series#obx au#rafe#rafe obx#obx fanfiction#obx fic#while you were sleeping
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i show up to the party just to leave
tw: angst, unrequited feelings, dubcon, asshole behavior, degradation, dacryphilia, y/n isn't a great person, neither is anyone else.
a/n: part 2 of seems like the life i need is a little distant. this has been sitting in the google docs since dec 2021....i really hope i haven't already posted this :[ also guys it's been a while, so if i have to add some tw's or whatnot let me know...achieved unc status i fear
: : :
The sheets still smell like him. Sharp notes of mint and sage and the ever-present smell of nicotine that seemed to cling to his body.
You had cried yourself to sleep last night. After Eren had essentially just fucked you and left. All you want to do is stay in bed and curl up in a shell.
But alas, there’s class to attend. And Plan B to buy since the dark-haired boy had insisted on cumming inside of you.
It’s not like he usually slept over so you have no reason to be so dramatic. It’s not like last night was the first booty call, and he’s always been one for degradation in bed. And you especially don’t mind being called a slut if he’s calling you his slut.
But you feel used. Disposable. Like the cigarettes, he crushes under his heel after ashing them out.
You roll over and check your phone, and the screen is filled with messages along the lines of:
Good morning.
I’m at the cafe, just picking up some breakfast. What drink do you want?
Got you a chai latte because that’s what you usually get. And a blueberry scone.
Don’t be late to anthro!
The messages make you smile. Colt Grice is sweet. Tooth-rotting sweet. You look over at the clock by your bedside. If you leave within 15 minutes, you’ll have enough to grab what you need from the pharmacy while making it to class on time.
“You made it! I was sure you wouldn’t.” There’s an easy smile on the blond’s face, beaming and bright. You dramatically sigh, “Praying on my downfall, huh?”
He hands you the brown bakery bag, “Never that.”
You sink into the chair, letting out a sigh. You hadn’t done the reading, and there was a long homework assignment due tonight.
“I emailed the reflection to you.”
You whip your head in surprise, “You did what?”
He shrugs, “I figured it’d help.”
“No, I mean, I know it will. Thank you.” And softer, “But you didn’t have to.”
His hazel eyes meet yours, “You seem tired lately. I don’t want you to strain yourself.”
You wonder if tired is a code word for awful. You look awful right now, dressed in a college sweater with faded letters and a dark stain you’ve never quite managed to get rid of, and sweatpants you haphazardly threw on.
You flick his forehead, “Mean anything by that? Don’t you know you’re not supposed to say a woman looks tired?” Your expression is deadpan but there’s a teasing lilt in your voice that’s specially reserved for him.
The tips of his ears burn red, “What? No, I didn’t say that. You look great. You...a-always look great.” His response makes you grin, and you break half of the scone to offer to him. He waves his hand away, “No, that’s for you.”
He watches as you lick the crumbs off your lips, “Suit yourself.”
You’re walking back from class, side by side with Colt, hands doing an awkward dance as pinkies nearly touch. As the distance seems to close, someone nearly ambushes you as they place their large arms over your and Colt’s shoulders. The blond himself nearly jumps in shock.
“Reiner.” Colt groans, “You have to stop jumping on us like this.”
“Why?” The spiky-haired jock chuckles, “Can’t handle a little-”
“You could have hurt her.”
You roll your eyes, waving his worries away, “I’m fine. What’s up, Reiner?”
“Just was just gonna ask you if you’re coming to Zeke’s party Saturday, Colt.”
Colt wrinkles his nose as if he heard something distasteful, “The one he’s hosting at Liberio? No thanks.”
The taller blond growls at his friend, “Out of everyone, you should really come. Think of everything he’s done for you.”
You place a hand on Reiner’s shoulder, “You know...I could probably get him to come.” You wink before placing a thoughtful finger on your lips, “But I’d have to be invited right? I don’t really know Zeke…”
But you’ve always wanted to go to Liberio, the hottest nightclub in the city, wildly exclusive and glitzy.
Reiner smiles at you, flirtatious eyes zeroing in on your suggestive demeanor, “Yeah, of course, you can come. You can be Colt’s plus one,” You sigh in relief, but don’t anticipate the sneer on his face, “...Or you can be Eren’s. You’re pretty close right?”
Your blood runs ice cold, and there’s surprise written all over your face. There’s no comeback at the tip of your tongue but thankfully your best friend has always been quite perspective.
“Okay, Reiner. Thanks for the reminder. We’ve really gotta go now.” He cuts the conversation short and drags you away to a bench under the shadow of a large tree. You sit, but he stands over you like a disappointed parent.
But here’s the primetime for an awkward conversation.
“You’re close to Eren? I didn’t even know that you knew him.”
You bit your already chapped lips, a habit that the hazel-eyed boy wishes you’d quit. He fishes his pocket for the vanilla chapstick and wordlessly hands it to you.
“We’re just friends.” You grumble under your breath.
He sighs, and you hate that he’s making you feel so guilty. What do you even have to feel so guilty for?
Taking a deep breath, he starts what sounds strikingly similar to a lecture, “Eren Yeager is not a good guy, I’ve told you this before, right-”
“You literally have no right to scold me like this when you’re practically besties with fucking Reiner. And fuck, Zeke? Zeke?-”
The tall blond takes a seat next to you, watching as you rub the salve over your bitten lips, “It’s complicated,” He sighs again, a sound you’re getting tired of, “I’ve just known them for a very long time. And our families-”
A heartbeat. Both of you watch the leaves fall.
“--Shit.” It’s rare for him to curse.
“Colt.” You say.
“I’m kind of dreading it, but...maybe it’ll be more bearable with you there.”
You playfully punch his arm, happy to see him admit he did want you to come, “I think it’ll be fun. I’ve never partied with you, y’know,” You pause, looking at him with wide eyes, placing a piece of hair behind your ear, looking so delectably innocent in the way you know he likes, “Wanna see what you look like drinking shots.”
“I’m not really like that though.” He admits.
The club is everything you imagined. It feels like it’s straight out a scene of the Hollywood movies with the smoke, strobe lights, and beautiful bodies strewn across the dancefloor. You’re grateful you’re wearing your friend’s dress tonight, a silky dark green number that fits your body like water. Nothing in your closet would have matched the caliber of tonight.
Colt gets a lump in his throat when he first sees you. Tries to keep his eyes on your pretty face so they don’t trail after your neckline or the skin left uncovered by the shortness of your dress. But he finds demise there too, he doesn’t want to stare too long at those kissable lips.
Still, he’s composed if not anything else. He’s too gentlemanly to touch you improperly. The hand on your back is feather-light. Doesn’t waver or tease lower.
“Remember, we can leave whenever, okay? If anything’s wrong-”
“Colt” You giggle, “Everything will be fine. Now, go socialize. Don’t you have important people to talk to?” You shoo him away, and he turns around with a look of defeat.
“If anything is wrong, come find me ok?” He affirms, and to reassure (and perhaps fluster) him, you thread your fingers between his, clasp your hands together and press a kiss on your joined knuckles, “Yes, yes. I know.”
The strobe lights shower his face in violet, and he’s grateful you can’t see how red he is.
You weave through the crowd with no particular purpose, dancing on beat to songs you can only remember half the lyrics to. There’s an attractive man who lingers behind you like he’s some ghost haunting you. You humor him because he’s way too cute to not entertain. Tall with slicked-back blond hair, broad shoulders, and an air of cockiness that should register as a red flag.
This song’s pretty. Synth heavy and melodic. The man behind you doesn’t shout his name over the music, he invades your personal space with large hands over your hips and whispers his name into your ear. Porco Galliard. The name sparks an unfortunate chord within you. Colt most certainly knew him, which means he was off-limits.
It’s okay. You didn’t come here to hook up with a new boy toy today. You came here to have fun. You could dance with him a little.
He’s not afraid to touch you, hands all over your hips, pushing you closer. He’s so close, you could smell his aftershave. Minty. If you closed your eyes, you could pretend that his hair was dark.
Porco bends his head to whisper in your ear, “You’re so intoxicating, I’ve always wanted to meet you.”
Your eyes flutter in confusion. It’s cute, the blond thinks. Not minx-like like how you portray yourself, a deer caught under strobe lights. You frown, tilting your head, “Do you know who I am?”
He chuckles, and you could almost feel the vibrations of his deep voice. “Colt never really shuts up about you.” His fingers thrum on your hip, “His best friend.” The way he says those words are mocking, and you can feel your heart sink into your stomach.
You lightly push his chest, “I-I should probably circulate.”
His eyes narrow but he doesn’t press, boldly kissing you on the apple of your cheeks and firmly squeezing your hip with the same hand that felt it was its right to situate itself there, “Come find me later.”
Definitely not, you think. That’s not going to happen.
You leave the dance floor disjointed. Maybe you needed more liquid courage. Your eyes settle on an alcove on the second floor. Tentatively, you climb up the stairs, letting your intuition guide you. You wonder if it’s some kind of VIP room, as you look at the velvety walls and the private bar to the side.
You’re about to turn around, knowing you probably won’t be let in since you’re essentially a no-body but you hear your name echoed behind you.
It’s Reiner, and he gestures you to come into the room. You mutter thanks although you’re not quite sure what you’re thanking him for.
“Some party huh?” He asks.
Not in the mood for conversation, you simply nod.
“Do you want to see Eren? I can take him to you.”
Even at the mention of his name, you could feel your heartbeat quicken, “Oh no, it’s totally fine. I’m sure I’ll catch him later.”
“But he’s right there”. And that dreaded pointer finger points to the large couch behind a table left messy with playing cards, crystal ashtray bowls, and shot glasses. It’s like you’re witnessing a stage with the bright lime-light only shining on Eren.
And the woman sprawled all over him.
Reiner nudges you towards them, even though your feet don’t want to comply. You hate him for forcing you into this situation, no exit in sight.
Eren’s eyes are closed, not like he’s napping, but merely resting. You can see the dark circles but fuck he looks good. He’s wearing a nice black button-up where most of the top buttons are left unfastened, showing off his nicely defined chest and you hate how you can’t tell who the small red marks on his skin are from. A string of pearls is around his neck, fastened like a choker. His legs are spread, his body half-sunken on the couch.
There’s a pale hand stroking his chest. It belongs to one of the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen. She’s sitting with her knees tucked under her, all wrapped up in a short glitzy dress, the shape and fit not unlike your own but you don’t think you can pull off your dress like the way she does. Her hair is dark and curly, framing her shoulders, and she has one of those unique faces you can spot in high fashion magazines.
The way they look next to each other, like Adonis and Helen, like two halves of a whole-it makes you want to eat your insides.
“Whose your friend Reiner?” She asks, the coyness evident in her tone.
Reiner beams next to you, “She’s Colt’s plus one”. You’ve never wanted to punch anyone more, although you’re more than sure you have nothing against the student football athlete built like a brick house.
The dark-haired woman coos, “Isn’t that cute? I didn’t know Colty had a girlfriend.” She pouts, “And I thought he told me everything.” There’s a funny feeling building in your gut, twisting and reacting over the nickname.
Eren opens his eyes, disturbed by the noise. You’re not prepared to meet his viridian eyes. The “we’re just friends” you were about to utter dies in the roof of your mouth.
“She’s not Colt’s girlfriend.” His voice is cold and flat, slightly hoarse. He looks straight at you, “Right?” But it doesn’t really feel like he’s asking you anything.
You jumble over your words, “Yes um, Colt and I are not dating. We’re-we’re just friends,” You finish awkwardly.
The woman’s eyes narrowed into slits as she observes the interaction between you and Eren, your frazzled demeanor giving everything away, “Do you guys know each other?” A question not even remotely addressed to you.
Taking a long hit from his disposable vape, he blows out rings. “Yeah. Same college”
Jesus. You think. All those thoughts and feelings and restless nights spent with him, and he summarizes your familiarity with each other as attending the same school which is funny because you honestly don’t know the last time Eren has attended any of his classes.
She removes his hand from his chest and brings it to you, offering a handshake. “Hello, I’m Pieck.”
You force yourself not to think about how this hand had just rubbed up and down Eren’s chest, likely feeling over the love bites she left on his torso. You shake her hand, introducing yourself with a shaky breath.
There’s no music, no distractions, a hazy dark room filled with smoke and people you were totally out of your element with.
Reiner and Pieck are talking about something, the words not sticking to your ears. Eren is staring right at you, through you. Viridian eyes staring soullessly, no words to fill the void, just him and his pretty mouth blowing out curls of vapor, nauseatingly sweet vapor that almost made you miss the cigarette stench.
You feel awkward, you feel scrutinized, and when his eyes stare at all of you, from the plunge of your neckline, the exposed calves and kitten heels you wore because you were too clumsy for grown-up heels (she wore stilettos), you want the ground to swallow you whole.
Clearing your throat, you cringe as you hear yourself talk, “I-uh, should get back. It was good to meet you, Pieck.” The words come out as a rush.
The dark-haired woman pouts, “Oh but we just met. Though we could talk a little more, you know girl to girl.” She giggles.
Reiner smirks “Let her go, Pieck. Colt’s probably worried sick looking for her.” Eren clenches his mouth at the blond’s words but says nothing.
You can hear your heartbeat thud. No words come out so you merely smile weakly and half-heartedly wave to the trio.
As you leave, you catch a tail-end of a conversation you wish you hadn’t, “Are we going back to your place after Eren?”
You reach the bar at the dance floor with lightning speed, wanting nothing but to dissolve like sugar. You ask the bartender for shots, shots, and shots, doesn’t matter what. You’ll drink the man-shaped loneliness in your heart until it bleeds out. Your throat burns but you’ve long learned to welcome the fire.
You’re about to down your third shot of clear liquid until you feel a warm hand wrap around your shoulder. You turn around, about to give a stern piece of your mind until your eyes find concerned hazel ones.
Colt. Good old best friend Colt.
Good old Colt who loved you so much everyone teased you for it. Good old Colt who wore his heart on his sleeve and would never dream of touching a cigarette.
You’re buzzed, not even properly drunk, but there’s a bubby overexcited feeling bursting out from the seams.
“Hey, are you okay?” He asks, eyebrows furrowed into worry.
You roll your eyes, so typical of him to always be so serious. “Come on”, you grab his hand, “Let’s have fun!” He lets you drag him away to the dancefloor, fully knowing that if he wanted to, he could just push himself out of your grip.
The song that’s playing is one that you and Colt have blasted multiple times in his car and that song has played so many times in that car, he swore he’d never play it again.
“This is our song” you giggle, and poor, awkward Colt who unaccustomed to dancing merely stands, peering over you with a mix of worry and puzzlement,
“I think you’ve had too much.” He tries to grasp your shoulders but you slink away in time. You’re perfectly fine, he’s just too much of a square to realize what having a good time is.
Batting your eyelashes, you look up at him, “Just follow my lead ok?” You guide his shyly eager hands to your hips. He looks at you like…he looks at you like…
Shit. Is this what Eren sees? When he looks at you? Genuine unadulterated admiration. No admiration isn’t it, this unnamed feeling has more weight.
You intertwined your fingers with Colt’s warm hands. He’s red but he welcomes the touch, moving his body to the beat, and you giggle at his attempted dancing. He laughs too and all is warm and good. So warm and good, but not enough.
You crush your lips against the blond’s and you can feel him go still. But that moment of hesitation passes because he’s crushing his lips against yours too, hand digging deep into your back. You part your mouth, kissing his teeth and his tongue moves against yours. Slowly, sensually, sweetly.
Without warning, he pulls back abruptly.
He’s all flushed, “Wait, why…why did you kiss me?” What an entirely unromantic question.
You give him a smile so wide your cheeks hurt, “You didn’t like it?”
He stumbles over his words, “No-No I did, I liked it a lot” You wish you could kill the pause, “...But…do you like me?”
You tilt your head, “Of course I like you Colt.”
He doesn’t believe you, you realize. And you’re not sure you believe it either.
“N-no you don’t.” A deep breath, “I like you a lot. I think you know that.” Your nails dig into your palms so deeply. What’s he doing? Is he getting himself ready to ride the high horse?
“It’s not that deep…” You cut in.
“No, it is that deep. I like you so so much, fuck I-” A deeper breath, “I like you too much to be used.”
I like you too much to be used.
That doesn’t make sense, does it? Don’t you make yourself dispensable for the people you love?
He takes a step back, voice so soft you want to screech, “I’m going to go home. If you need a ride back when you decide to leave, Sasha can take you home.”
“Colt” your voice is on the verge of breaking, “You don’t have to leave.” His lips are swollen, freshly kissed.
He smiles at you, asymmetric and sad: “I should have left long ago.”
When you find Porco, there is no preamble. You whine not here and he pins you against the walls in the alleyway near the back exit of the club. It’s cold and when you exhale, you can see air. Porco is comfortably warm in his bomber jacket that he’ll never offer you. You didn’t want anyone to see you and the dark blond in the club, but it’s so cold out here.
He moves too fast, hiking your leg up, slotting himself between your thighs. He pulls your dress down without much of a prelude, feeling up your soft breasts with calloused hands. He pulls on the nipple between his teeth, “You like this huh?” Your nipples are stiff because it’s cold, not because of his frenzied ministrations.
He’s three fingers inside you when you push against his shoulder, “S-stop.”
Agitation colors his face, “What do you mean?” As if to emphasize, his bulge presses against your core.
Maybe you should let him have his way. It wouldn’t be too bad. Probably wouldn’t last very long either, but your teeth are chattering and you hate how blond Porco’s hair is.
But this is a situation. You hold on to his shoulders tightly, trying to force over the awkward words, “I w-want you to stop.”
Reluctantly, he pulls his fingers out of you, annoyance etched onto his handsome features, “You’re a fucking tease.”
And he leaves like that. You let yourself slide against the wall, knees tucked to your chin. In a second, you’ll fish your phone out and call an Uber, but for now you just want-
You’re not very sure what you want. A moment to yourself? When has a moment to yourself never been miserable?
You hide your head in your arms, ignoring the goosebumps prickling on your arms.
Your nose reacts first. Those damn cigarettes.
Raising your head up, you see the dark-haired archangel who haunts your dreams and nightmares. The street lamp’s light behind him makes him look ethereal, an angel with a street lamp halo.
Eren simply stands, watching you. You’re not in the mood to break the silence. Awkwardly, you hoist yourself up. Your heart is beating, but you don’t know if you have it in you to make yet another man disappointed. Of course, you could never disappoint Eren because he never expected much, did he? What was there to disappoint?
You forget though. Eren’s capable of apathy.
And cruelty.
“Colt ran off on you so you fucked his friend?”
You grit your teeth, “That’s none of your fucking business. And no I didn’t.”
The corner of his mouth perked up, “That’s good. You should be wary of the diseases he’s carrying.”
“As opposed to what?” You snark back, “How many sluts are you fucking?”
You didn’t mean for it to sound so bitter, but it makes him throw his head back in laughter, “Besides you, I can’t really think of anyone else.”
That’s it. You’re about to leave but a large hand overwhelms your wrist, “I’m kidding. You know that.”
You try to pull away but he doesn’t let you, instead of pulling you into him and against the wall, in the very position Colt had you earlier. But now the chances of escape seem slim to zero.
His slender fingers ghost over your jaw.
“Shouldn’t you be with Pieck right now?” You hate the way you sound, reminded of all the movies written by men with overly jealous and bitchy female characters.
His thumb swipes over your parted lips, “No, I’d rather be much with my favorite girl.”
You hate this, Hate how your heart swims up. Hate the amusement laced in his low voice. Hate how desperately you want to believe him.
“That shut you up huh?” He chuckles.
There’s a rude remark on the tip of your tongue that he swallows with a kiss. You kiss back. Teeth against teeth, mouth against mouth, his tongue dominating yours.
When it’s time to breathe, he swiftly unzips his jacket and places it around your shoulders. You’re too shocked by the gesture to respond properly. You mutter out a thanks, flustered and flushed.
His hands grope your inner thighs, thumb digging into the supple flesh. Slowly he whispers into your ear, “Let’s go back to mine.”
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Broken Bonds-Part 34
Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz x Reader, Jay Halstead x coparenting Reader, Jay Halstead x Hailey Upton
With a date picked and help from your teams everything for your wedding starts to fall in line
Fluff 🤷♀️
The date you and Mouse picked was April sixteenth. It was still early enough that the weather wouldn’t be too hot but still late enough that no one would be bundled up. It had taken a few nights, laughing over a calendar to figure out just when you wanted your wedding anniversary to be. Addy was already telling everyone at daycare that she was gonna throw flowers at Mommy and Mou’s wedding.
The venue was proving to be a bit of a harder find than picking a date however. Everywhere you liked didn’t have the date available or it had the date available and you didn’t like it or it just didn’t have the room to host a wedding.
“This place only holds weddings if the bride can prove she’s a virgin going in by having a letter from her priest” you read off the site and Mouse looked horrified “Is there a way we can shut them down? Surely there’s something illegal going on there. Call sergeant Benson. Hell I’ll call around too” you laughed at his tone “Baby I don’t think we can” he shook his head “Even if it’s not illegal they’re still assholes” you shrugged “Hell we don’t even have a priest, We got Kev”
Kevin had surprised you a few weeks before by catching you one morning and asking if he could talk to you. You’d been stressing about finding someone to perform the ceremony because neither you or Mouse was really religious but you didn’t want just some random person that you barely knew either. “Lil mama, I got an idea” the moment Kevin said that you pushed back from your desk and cut your eyes up at him “That could be really good or really bad. What ya got Kev?” he grinned and walked around to sit on the edge of your desk and held out a piece of paper to you. You raised an eyebrow but took it. When you read it you realized it was a certification stating that Kevin was now ordained in the state of Chicago. You felt tears spring to your eyes “Kev, this costed..” “Doesn’t matter. You’re my best friend. You and Mouse have gone through hell to get to this point. Let me do the ceremony” you jumped up and wrapped both arms around him “I couldn’t possibly think of a better choice”
“Good point” Mouse laughed, moving to slip behind you on the bed so he could pull you back against his chest, pulling the laptop out of your hand. “We’re both off tomorrow baby. We’ll get back on it then but for tonight you need to relax” you cut your eyes back at him “And I’m in your arms to relax?” he grinned “Of course” he leaned over to put your laptop on the table next to the bed so you turned to curl up against his chest. “I love you Greg, it’s just…we’ve been looking at this for so long”
He looked down at you “Baby, we’ve only been engaged for six months” you cut your eyes up at him “Not what I meant” a smile slipped onto his face “Oh” “Yeah, oh. I’ve thought about marrying you since I realized I was in love with you. Now I just want everything in place. I fucking refuse to be a bridezilla because to be honest we could do a courthouse deal and I’d be happy”
He shook his head “After everything we’ve been through love? We deserve a full wedding” you smiled “I know, I’m just saying. As long as I get to marry you, I’m happy” he smiled and leaned down to catch your lips in a gentle kiss “We’ll find a place baby. You’ve got to go dress shopping” you grinned “I know. Addy won’t let me forget that” he laughed “Little miss is excited to find her dress” god knows she was. She kept asking you when you were going dress shopping. You had a day planned that you, Kim, Hailey and Stella all had off.
“Well if we’re gonna get back on it tomorrow, can you just hold me please?” you asked and he smiled “I’d love nothing more” and turned so he could lay down with you wrapped up against his chest. He pressed a kiss to the side of your neck “Get some sleep sweetheart. We’ll figure it out tomorrow”
“Mommy, look!” The Christmas decorations were going up around town and Addy was in love with all the lights. You smiled “I see baby! They’re really pretty, aren’t they” she grinned and reached for Mouse “Mou! Look” he grinned at you as he took her from your arms “Want to go get a closer look?” she nodded so you watched the two of them as he walked her closer to the bundle of trees in the center of the shopping complex that she’d been eyeing.
They were decorated with kids in mind. The bright colors and cartoon characters adorning them were adorable. You took out your phone and snapped a couple photos while neither of them were paying attention to you. The amount of photos you had of just different people in your life with Addy was astronomical. Everyone loved her so much.
Mouse’s phone started ringing so he shifted Addy to his other side to answer it and glanced over at you before a smile slipped onto his face. You were curious as to what that phone call was about until he hung up and walked over talking to Addy “Wanna go meet Kat-kat?” she nodded. That was what she’d donned Gwen’s wife when she first met her and Katie adored the nickname.
“And why are we meeting Kat kat?” you asked and he grinned “She may have found a place that had April sixteenth open and she may be nearly positive that you’ll love it” you shrugged “In that case, lead the way Mou” Addy’s head swung around towards you with the most serious look on her little face “You don’t call him Mou” you laughed “I’m sorry baby. What should I call him?” She grinned “Greg or love”
Mouse tried and failed to bite back the grin that was stretching across his face. You pressed a kiss to Addy’s forehead “I am so sorry babygirl. Come on Greg, love. Let’s go meet Kat kat” she nodded with a smile and he winked at you over her head.
____________________________
You followed Katie through the venue and were honestly in awe “This has got to be out of our price range” you whispered and she turned to face you with a smile “Well my father owns it so I would say it’s not considering it’s all yours for the sixteenth if you want it. Consider it mine and Gwen’s wedding present”
It was perfect. There was a large window in the room that would hold the ceremony that had a view of the water, rooms for the bridal parties to get ready and two more large rooms to hold the reception in so one room could be reserved for food and the other for a dancing area. “Katie, are you sure?” she nodded “I’m sure”
Addy wiggled out of your arms and spun around in the middle of the floor and Mouse laughed “Baby, I think that’s a yes” you looked at Addy “What ya think? Should mommy and Mou get married here?” she nodded so you looked back at Katie “Ok, we’ll take it. Thank you so much”
Mouse slipped his arms around your waist and pressed a kiss to your cheek “Well sweetheart that makes the date, the officiant and the venue. Looks like it’s up to you now to find your dress” Addy came running up to you and damn near crawled up you at the mention of a dress “Yeah mommy” you shook your head “Of course you’re agreeing with Mou”
Katie laughed lightly “You three are adorable” you cut your eyes up at her “Should see when me and Hailey are having to duck snowballs from her, him and Jay” she shook her head “I can only imagine” Mouse shrugged “In our defense her and Hailey have a long standing record of starting it”
You heard Hailey call your name so you cut your eyes up from your computer “Yeah babe?” she tapped her desk “We’re going dress shopping saturday, right?” you nodded “That’s the plan since me, you and Kim are off along with Stella. Let’s just hope the bad guys let us have it” she grinned “They better. We have got to find you a dress and Addy a flower girl dress”
You groaned “Believe me I know. I can’t find a style I like. They’ll all either too short and showy or look like I’m going to a freaking ball hoping the prince will notice me” She grinned “Don’t worry, we’ll find you the perfect dress” you nodded “I hope”
Hank stepped to the door of his office and hit the wall to get everyone’s attention “Warrant came down. Gear up, we roll out in five” you cut your eyes at Hailey and grinned “Well that is something I can handle” she shook her head.
You fell in line with everyone else as you all headed down to roll up to get into your gear. This warrant had been close to a week in the making. This guy was rolling in drugs across both borders, why the hell it had taken this long to nail his ass was because he kept paying low hanging fruits to take each and every charge for him.
When you slipped your vest over your head Kevin adjusted the straps then turned for you to adjust his. You nodded to him “All set and don’t forget you have a tux fitting in a month” he nodded “I know lil mama. I got the reminder set in my phone” you grinned “Gotta have the officiant looking good in the photos” and winked at him before taking your long gun from Jay who shook his head “Wedding planning while getting ready to go on a raid and you’re a mom. Multitasking pro aren’t ya there babe?” you laughed “I try honey, I try”
___________________
You ducked down next to Kevin as you both waited for Hank’s go ahead. He cut his eyes at you and you nodded as Hank’s voice came across the coms “Take it”
The house ended up having half a million in cash and probably double that in drugs. A total of six other arrests were made on top of the head guy the unit was after. All in all it was a success considering no one ended up in Med, not even any of the offenders.
You stood next to Kim watching as the offenders were loaded into patrol cars. She nudged your shoulder with hers “So, I heard you found a venue” you laughed at the insanity of your life considering you’d just gotten into a fistfight with a six foot two drug dealer and won now you were talking about wedding stuff like you were standing in line at a coffee shop.
“It found us. Katie’s dad owns it. She gave us a tour and offered it as her and Gwen’s wedding present” she smiled “That’s awesome. Well that means a date, an officiant and a venue. As soon as we get you a dress all you have to do is wait for the day” you nodded “And hope nothing goes wrong” she cut her eyes at you “What do you mean?” you sighed “Just, I’m happy, don’t get me wrong. You know how much I love that man. It's just like I’m waiting on the other foot to drop” she raised an eyebrow “Getting kidnapped and tortured wasn’t the other foot?” you shrugged and she shook her head “You and him have gone through plenty. You deserve a win”
Two wedding dress shops down and you’d yet to find a dress that you even halfway liked. None of them suited you. You didn’t want a ballgown because you wanted to be able to actually move in it but at the same time you wanted a dress that didn’t let your guests see everything that you would prefer leaving to just Mouse’s eyes.
“I feel like I’m dragging you all around town for nothing” you groaned, carrying Addy on your hip considering her stroller didn’t really fit too well in most of the dress shops. Between all four of you she just bounced around if she got too tired to walk. You’d asked Kim if she wanted to bring Makayla but apparently it was daddy/daughter day with her and Adam.
“It is not for nothing!” Stella scolded you with a grin before adding “We’re well I’d say your best friends but I’m your sister, Hailey is the wife and Kim is your favorite partner so there’s that” you laughed “I get the point Stel” she waved her hand “The point is if anyone is meant for each other it’s you and Mouse. We’re gonna find the dress that makes your eyes sparkle because as far as Mouse is concerned you could freaking wear that old CFD hoodie Kelly got you while you were pregnant with Addy and he’d be happy”
You shook your head with a laugh because she wasn’t wrong. Every time you bought up concerns about not being able to find the right dress or not looking quite right Mouse would shake his head and say “You’re gonna look absolutely beautiful no matter what you’re wearing”
_________________
You managed to find Addy the perfect dress within about twenty minutes of being in the store. It was a long gown that had a white lace bodice with long sleeves and the skirt was made out of a flowing blush colored tulle fabric. When she tried it on she looked like a literal little princess. You went a size up to make up for the fact that the wedding wasn’t until April but beyond that it was the perfect choice for her. You, Hailey and Stella all three snapped photos to send to Mouse, Jay and Kelly.
The replies came in tandem She looks beautiful baby, Look at Daddy’s girl, She looks like a little princess
Kim laughed “Those three are wrapped around her little finger” you nodded “Oh two have been since birth and the other one has been damn near since he met her” Hailey shrugged “Hell Addy has Voight wrapped. It’s just her power” Addy smiled at the mention of Hank “Show Papa” you laughed “Baby Papa doesn’t really text like Mou, daddy and uncle Kelly”
“Oh otay” she replied before Stella took her in the dressing room to help her change into her regular clothes again.
You cut your eyes at Hailey and Kim “Ok ladies we can handle the streets of Chicago. We can find a damn dress. Spread out” they both mock saluted you “Yes ma’am”
Your phone went off with a text so you opened it to see it was another one from Mouse but this one had a photo of a rather elegant looking wedding cake. It was five layers, decorated with roses that were in the colors you picked and delicate golden crescent moons. Baby that is gorgeous but the cake can’t just be for me! You texted him and really wasn’t surprised when he texted back Sweetheart, I know your eyes lit up when you saw it. I already ordered it you shook your head and texted You’re ridiculous, I love you so damn much and he texted back I love you too
You slipped your phone back into your pocket and continued down the middle rack, fingers trailing over the gown until you paused on one. Delicate lace covered the bodice, it’s floral patterns trailing up to a soft illusion neckline and three quarter sleeves. The fabric was light, damn near weightless as you lifted the skirt, layers of soft tulle flowing like a gentle breeze. A hint of blush peeked through the ivory giving it a warm glow.
“Hails, Kim” you called out and they both appeared over your shoulder “Try it on, please” Hailey spoke first and you cut your eyes back at her with a grin as you lifted the dress. Stella was back out of the dressing room with Addy and grinned when she saw you with a dress “Did she find one?” She asked Kim who nodded. “Try it on mommy!” Addy giggled.
You stepped into the dressing room and closed the door behind you before quickly stripping your clothes off before slipping into the gown. You turned in front of the mirror and felt your heart flip. The lace hugged your body just right, the skirt swayed beautifully and gave you the range of motion you craved. You looked beautiful, you looked like a bride.
You stepped out of the dressing room and Hailey, Stella and Kim all stopped in their tracks before smiles slipped onto their faces “That’s the one” Stella spoke softly and you nodded “This is the one” “You look so pretty” Addy laughed and you grinned “Thank you baby!” then cut your eyes up at Stella who was tearing up “My little honeybee is getting married!” she moved to pull you into her arms and the other two women laughed, joining the hug as Addy slid into the middle of it.
The saleslady came over with a broad smile “I’m guessing by the group hug, we’ve found the dress?” you looked over Stella’s shoulder and nodded “Yes ma’am”
All that was left now was for April to roll around so you could finally marry the love of your life.
@desimarie12
Part 35
@allisonargent144
@nevaehstreater18
@alexisquinnlee-bc
@courty-courtz00
@a-beaverhausen
#greg mouse gerwitz x reader#mouse gerwitz x reader#broken bonds masterlist#chicago pd fanfiction#chicago pd fic#chicago pd fanfic#jay halstead x reader#greg gerwitz x reader#greggerwitz x reader#jay halstead x hailey upton
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every single day i wish i was brave enough to go on medical leave
#i just need a few weeks months to get my shit together#but the days keep coming and they don’t stop coming#plus if i wasn’t in school I’d be accepted to go care for my dad sooner 😬#boom’s bad days#i don’t know if I’m gonna sleep at all tonight#and I’ve done no homework this break so that bodes really well for tmrw#the little alien from alien could claw its way out of my stomach and I would be unsurprised#I’d actually look at it and be like ‘OH that explains sm!’#cause my cramps are just that bad rn#don’t reblog pls
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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🕯️ please no sleep paralysis tonight 🕯️
#bitches be deteriorating!!! it’s me i’m bitches#when my friends left just now i had this harrowing haunting feeling of the paranoid fear of Not Being Alone#i’m probably really just tired from today and from not sleeping last night and spending the day in absolute panic mode so#it’s all chill we chill we don’t take our beta blockers tonight so our body can feel its pulse lmao#anyway i love how strong i am just pushing through but also telling my friends about the current state to give them the chance of being#gentle with me and also take care of me. and they dooo.#anyway i’m gonna pass out soon and will probably have to activate the ‘taking care of myself as though i were a little child’ mode and#honestly?? that’s very okay and fine and valid. i know the drill i know i will live and make it out of this alive
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hey excuse me bc this is tmi and i’m openly very very much exposing myself as the adult virgin i am but like…
how does anyone with a vagina literally deal with the aftermath of sex?? specifically if you use lube??? bc i just got an internal ultrasound done this morning (🫣) and i’ve been literally leaking lube at every turn. i’ve peed, rinsed, and wiped multiple times like i’ve BEEN up in there today but alas my vagina has been uncomfortably moist all day 😔
#on another note the woman who was doing it for me told me that oh don’t worry it’s basically the size of a tampon#the wand i mean#and NO IT WASNT#it had to have literally been six-seven inches and the width of the top of a glass beer bottle#idk what that part is called lol#and i’m literally sore bc that thing had to be twisted and poked at every crevice bc my doctor needs a look at my ovaries so um#but the technician was so so nice and made everything really comfortable and consistently checked in so 👍#i hope both sides of her pillow are cool tonight#on another note she was so concerned about me being uncomfortable with the vagina ultrasound that she suggested doing it RECTALLY#apparently it’s more comfortable ?#i doubt it tho lol but she was really sweet about everything#ANYWAYS#yeah let me know if sex really does make you ushy gushy all day pls bc i’m an adult virgin so#i’d like to know bc i really don’t think someone’s gonna sleep with me any time soon#notsfw#tmi
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.
#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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#so if anyone cares the thing I’ve beeen so insanely stressed about for weeeks and have written about 20 poems about has Arrived. yeah#i think. i have very mixed feelings in my stomach. i don’t know if i’m ready to process it all yet maybe cause it’s 2am and one of the#latest I’ve stayed up in a while. but yeah. maybe tomorrow. maybe never. maybe I’ll live the rest of july and early august#in just. this. state. yeah :) but I’m okay I think. I’m alright. I’m okay.#i think i will reread kind things people have said to me tonight#so if you’re reading this and have said something even just a little bit nice to me#i’ll be thinking of you tonight. thank you :)#i should probably go to sleep now. gonna go listen to a lullaby perhaps !!!#goodnight :) I’ll be ok. I’ll b ok
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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I wasn’t gonna really talk about it here, but I think of lost control of my weirdness yall. I didn’t post it here, but I did indeed, write a smut fic about, fuck, human Lightning McQueen and Jackson Storm, and now I am writing a second one.
#very much so#*soft and defeated* ka-chow.#it’s up on my ao3 but I’m not linking to it#someone commented ‘the best smut I’ve read all year and it’s a cars fic?’#*sip sip* it’s like a reward#I found myself casually scrolling with wiki tonight#I don’t know if I can watch the movie cause I just…. I keep thinking about how it’s so weird that they chose living cars instead of just??#making a movie about racers?? it’s so weird I have a huge long text rant to my sister and she was cracking up about it#but I can’t stop thinking about Cars???😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#help me???#I’m gonna follow the inspo where it takes me but also??? I could be writing a new sleep token fic?? I could be writing TRON smut???#but no. Cars my brain says. Cars.
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*closes 13 tabs on astrology and greek mythology*
ES Ch.5… is now complete.
#Everything Stays#writing stuff#Seven’s Celestial Commentary#there were 30 tabs in total by the time i was done doing all my research for this chapter but the other 17 weren’t astrology related#they’re full of name definitions and foods and children’s books and FNaF wiki pages#but yes! more time than i’d like and 13k+ words later… the chapter feels ready to go#gotta give it one final editing sweep and draft it up on Ao3 but it’ll be ready in time for the fic’s anniversary!!! which was my goal#exciting news for the few of you who out there that maybe hopefully haven’t given up on this story in spite of yet another long hiatus#(full transparency: this post and the following tags were drafted a few days ago and then i. never posted it.)#***the Preceding tags not the following tags#(so! take this as your official announcement that ES Ch.5 is now live on Ao3! i did it!! i posted it on the anniversary!!!)#(with one entire hour to spare CST! wow look at me go)#(no honestly i’m very disappointed in myself that my time management failed me once again. bc i wanted the chapter to go up at 7pm not 11pm#and i wanted to have the Edit Log and Appearance Reference Sheet posted here already so i could link them.#but it’s okay we live and we learn and one day i’ll learn to start working on things further in advance to give myself more time#and honestly extra stuff aside the chapter would’ve at least gone up at an earlier hour#had the curse of being an Ao3 author not befallen me at 5pm by thrusting a fucking family emergency into my day#like everyone’s okay it’s all fine now but jesus christ what kinda timing. the ONE DAY THAT THE FIC’S ANNIVERSARY FALLS ON#and somehow it ends up involving four police cars :)#but that was not gonna fucking stop me from posting this chapter today. nothing could! i may be unreliable and inconsistent#but i wouldn’t be able to rest knowing that i missed this fucking anniversary#anyways. tempted as i am i Will Not overshare but i’ll reiterate that everything’s fine now! and Ch.5 is up so i’m going to sleep#will re-review the chapter and make any little edits tomorrow that my tired brain didn’t catch tonight. there’s always a few that slip by#okay that’s all from Present Day Seven goodnight i am very tired pls go read Everything Stays i will love you forever and even kiss you#if you want. or we’ll actually maybe don’t read it yet maybe gimme a few days to review it and catch any more edits that need making#***well not we’ll. i hate mobile tags
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#over sharing/ confessional / rant incoming!!!!#besties I am having!!! bad bad feelings like bad feelings lately and….ts said it herself you know when it’s time to go!!!#also tolerate it has been EXCEPTIONALLY all too personal at this point it kinda makes me sick#like I ….don’t know what to do bc I never wanted to be in this position I am even in it just happened….#and everything during COVID happened so fast and I don’t even recognize that person version of myself anymore and I don’t want to be her#I miss pre COVID me and going out (…and being single I wasn’t even single long enough in my young adulthood!!!!! fuck!!!) COVID changed me#(badly!?!)#I am feel all sorts of stuck which is why I feel like I’m taking the ts aw breakup a little too personally too like ouchie am I looking#at my own future but with less success and $$ obviously like!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not happy and idk how to talk#about it!???!!!!!! fuck!!!#familiarity breeds contempt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyways….gonna try to sleep here tonight and not be angry but once again it’s difficult
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I’m so tired
#I just have so much work to do all the time#and I never do anything fun besides watch my little shows but I know that’s not enough#my coworker today asked me what I do in my spare time. If I’m in any clubs or have any fun hobbies or whatever#and I was just like haha. no#I just go to school and go to work and go home#where I do my homework and watch my shows and sleep#and I really wish I did things other than that#but I have no friends and no money and no energy#so I don’t find myself getting out of the house for fun all that much#it sucks. It really sucks. I know it isn’t helping with the depression#but how do I fix that. I have two massive assignments I gotta finish tomorrow#and I am barely gonna have the time#I haven’t showered in a couple days. Just haven’t had the time#hell world. truly#anyway I oughta go to bed. Did I get enough done tonight? No#but I cannot stay up any later
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