#i do things for my cats and around the house but for myself ?
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sneepy cozy time....
#cats#longing to one day hopefully feel sleepy cozy like this again...#There was a pretty cool week here so I thought we had progressed closer to cool fall weather but... NO#..wrong!! It's like 80F in my room right now and was 98F outside yesterday. We get two more 'cooler' days and then#it starts going up again and will be in the high 90s possibly 100 something later this week#in my mind september should be COOOOOLLLL!!!!! or at least STARTING to get there.. Like mid 80s at the highest.#I am going to explode the world with evil wizard powers aaRGHaaHHHHHHHH#OR at least it should get down really low at night. I think thats the main thing is if it's 95 in the day and only 62 for like 3 hours in#the middle of the night then even leaving a fan in windows all night is not enough to fully cool down the house because its just not#enough cold air or cool for long enough. If it were 98 in the day but 15F outside at night then you could probably bring cool air inside al#night and your house would be at a relatively low starting point for the next days heat.#Like for example - in my apartment on a hot and sunny day. Even with every window#closed and blocked off with thick layers of reflective stuff and also not using the stove or doing anything to generate heat - the apartmen#will still go up on average about 6 - 8 degrees in one day. Peaking around 8 - 10pm night time. If I start off with the house cooled down#to 60F. then the highest it would get is 66 - 68 which is tolerable#.But if the lowest I can cool the apartment all night is still only 75F#then it's going to be 81 - 83F by the end of the day. So really it would be bearable (ISH)#for it to be warm as long as it was colder at night.#Though still the IDEAL is to not have to structure my life around envrionmental management and constantly be checking the#outdoor temperature so I can put the fans in the second that it's colder outside than it is inside and putting elaborate curtain systems#up and down at the exact right times and meal prepping 4 days in advance so I dont have to use the stove for 3 days and blah blah blah#Life in the colder weather months is so effortless and breezy in that sense. I can just have the window open all day and get natural light.#I can cook whatever I want. I can wear what I like. I can move around the house freely without needing to always#carry a fan around with me or douse myself in water.#ANYWAY.... oh if only that were me.... snuggled in a warm blanket ... a comforting wintery image...
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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guess who literally just figured out that it's in a depressive episode. this guyy
#i have not showered i am eating like shit because the pnly thing that brings pleasure to my brain is sweets and carbs#i need to change my bedding the shower hasn't been cleaned in months (that i know of) because i'm the only one who cleans around the house#i have to run laundry so i have a uniform for tomorrow's workday i'm on my period and i feel like utter shit#i hate everything i make right now. and i can barely make myself socialize with people#but! i'm not ACTIVELY feeling suicidal or anything so i guess that means i'm fine right#the chipped cup is never fixed etc etc#i'm going to work i'm doing therapy i'm using drugs responsibly i'm taking my medication i'm feeding my cat#i am doing everything i am supposed to do and yet i'm still so unhappy#vent#venty vent
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This is like, the fifth time I’ve had someone say “you can’t even tell you own a cat” and I pointed out all my cat’s toys and stuff and they were like “I mean it never smells bad in here” and I’m just confused? I can often tell when someone has dogs based on their house smell, but when I visit cat people a majority of them have normal smelling houses? I can only think of one instance that was different and they were fostering multiple cats and could only fit the litter boxes in the living room. Who are they visiting that have weird smelling houses? I’m legitimately confused? The only place that smells strong is the closet where his litter boxes are and they mostly just smell like litter dust. I wouldn’t say they smell like flowers, but if you keep up with the boxes it’s not that bad? Is this about marking things? There’s only ever been one cat who I couldn’t stop from doing that behavior and it was a senior in a house that wasn’t mine who’s home owner didn’t want to put stuff like cat trees on the main floor. Give them other ways of marking things (stuff to rub and scratch, especially near entrances and windows) and make them feel secure and they are way less likely to mark with piss? I’m not saying no cat is ever going to have that behavioral issue when provided with all the other options and stuff, but it’s way less likely. Most people I know don’t even deal with the piss marking. The two instances that come to mind involved parents who didn’t want to ruin their decor by having cat stuff in the more trafficked areas and didn’t like the cats themselves. If you don’t listen to the advice then it doesn’t have a chance of working. I have to stop myself before I infodump more about cat care. I’m just confused by the comments I’ve gotten from visitors.
#emma posts#and even the house with the parents that didn’t want it to look like they had cats were super into cleaning up any marking#it didn’t solve the problem but you still wouldn’t usually smell it#if anything I have a lot of ‘wow. your house doesn’t smell like dogs’ moments myself#maybe not a lot of those actually. I can only think of one or two instances#my autistic nose will smell anything out of the ordinary though#which also probably contributes to the apparent not cat smell thing#but my whole apartment is ‘catified’ how do these people think ‘wow. couldn’t tell’#I’m confused#cats are some of the least strong smelling animals I’ve been around#and I’ve helped care for a lot of different pets and animals#I had fish once and the tank smelled stronger than the cats#I will get even more autistic about pet care especially cats. don’t test me
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Admin: which teammate do you pick to cook your Thanksgiving dinner?
Alpey, who has brought his own baked goods for the team before; therefore, should have the most credibility and trust to be skilled in the kitchen: *happily suggests himself as the best option for jabari*
Jabari:
#jabari is like the kind of person who works a 15 hr shift then complains abt her tired they are#and how they cant sleep bcs they have so much to do around the house#but wont let their husband cook for them bcs they want to do it themselves then complain abt having to do it themselves#moms who start vacuuming the house at 4am then complain about how theres no one helping#'MOVE. ILL JUST DO THE DAMN THING MYS E L F !'#*2 seconds after scaring charity away* why do i have to do everything myself.'#the trials and tribulations of the stubborn control freak#he later says 'im not letting anyone else cook my food for me. (i pick) me. jabari.'#just tearing out alpeys heart and stomping on it 😭#picky ass eater who loves luxury jabari vs expired yogurt and carmel and chocolate syrup drizzled over it to feel fanciful alpey#bite#to the death#they literally asked this question last year??? before they banished gup to the gallows#alpey: alperen şengün 😄!!! ✨️ 🩵🩵#jabari: 😐#jabari (no grey matter): kill yourse-#why do they keep doing this to each other#alpey is the playful beloved family dog whos always in the room with the most people being pet 24/7 for being there & sweet#and jabari is the odd and aloof cat who has sporadic springs of affection and wacky affection#and will usually show himself when hes about to cause trouble for no apparent reason at no apparent schedule#like creeping over to a sleeping alpey and skippity papping him in the head without rhyme warning or reason#then taking off#zero apology or context given
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god I cannot fucking wait to get out of here !
#i want to be the one in charge of what i eat. i want to be in a place where my parents can't say ''oh i dont like that so you can't eat it''#i want to experiment with different recipes and not have my mom look at me like she's a high school bully again#i want to decorate my space and clean it the way that works for me#i want my cats to stop smelling like cigarette smoke#i want to live on PURPOSE#i want to make mistakes and fail without my biggest fear being the way my parents will look at me during#i want to make cookies and have them turn out terribly and laugh about it instead of crying because my mom said ''i told you so''#i want to LEARN. i want to have space to teach myself the things they refuse to teach me#i want to be able to try different outfits without planning my day around dodging my parents so they won't see and laugh at me#i want to do housework and exercise without having to triple check that all of my curtains are closed#i want to be relaxed in my home all hours of the day and not just the hours they are asleep#i want to live on PURPOSE for fucks sake#i want to be sincere and genuine and an airhead#i have managed to stop caring about everyone's opinions EXCEPT my parents#i want to get tf out of here. i want to feel safe in my own home#and I wish rent wasn't so fucking high that i have to wait a year and a half to move out!!!!!@#i am going to make it out of this house if it fucking kills me#i want to be in a space where my own reassurance and motivation is not squashed by my parents ridiculing me#i want to get away from this fucking family
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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2023 is gonna be the year i start allowing myself to buy 'disability aids'
things that may not seem practical but will greatly improve the ease of which i'm able to tackle everyday tasks
things that i may not have looked into because 'those are for people more sensitive/disabled than I am'
things that make my routines easier to follow or easier to build habits that seemed like monumental tasks
this is the year im gonna actually be gentle with myself
#ok to rb if anyone wants to lol#things i've started doing for example:#buying wide mouth stay cold tumblers without straws = its easier to clean#than say a waterbottle with a straw and a tiny neck AND it means i'll drink more water if i have something on hand easy to wash#or buying more disposable things so i have less dishes#one thing that always piles up faster than anything else are my cats dishes#and i finally realized the other night I can buy disposable ones#i have a pack of biodegradable lil bowls being delivered to my house tomorrow#uhhhh what was the other thing#OH i invested in some ear plugs I heard about for people who are easily overstimulated#that allows you to still hear what's going on around you but filter out a lot of the background noise#like bro i went to a busy bookstore this weekend and walked around w them in and it was like a whole new experience#i feel like there's more i've been kinder and more forgiving of myself buying to help me manage the mess my brain has been
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starting to think im a bard of void instead of being a knowledge class. i have the whole bardic crisis thing (oct 13 2013. sunday) the whole opposite aspect thing before that (Gifted Kid TM where part of my personality was bring smart. is very lightcore) and just how i seem to destroy everything i touch.
my aversion to lying and how terrible i am at it because its on a physical level in my body and i have to script it in advance (yes this is mostly autism) and not liking to keep secrets and being a blabbermouth. destroying void.
destroyed by void. getting FADED with weed. self isolation and most of my time being spent gaming or on the computer/phone. my awful terrible recurring dreams (dreams are void) that i have a fucking tag for. but the horrors have become almost mundane with how repetitive they are in my dreams and thats why i dont call them nightmares
#le p2iigh#the 'this classpect perfectly describes all my flaws' type of classpecter#no but my dreams are always like. im in school and i dont know why they wont let me drop out.#dont know if its college or What. but sometimes my former therapist is there. the one i had a crush on.#thats a thing i have with male mentor/teacher figures because of a Very Specifc Reason#other things that are always in my dreams. my dorm on the 3rd floor im always trying to figure out what clothes to wear whats clean#packing so i can go to the house that im living at that is specifically not home. wondering when i can go home to check on the cats#wondering why home looks so different its almost unrecognizable. my uncle is there. always. mom always has something Wrong with her#things being on fire near wherever im staying like next door across the street. most recently like the whole neighborhood.#not beating the doom player allegations with these descriptions.#heres more void coded things abt the dreams. being in/around bodies of water. theres one particular river i go to a lot its past some woods#the woods area separates the river and i walk upstream until i come across the widest part and the initial fork#theres always various Creatures in the water that im scared of.#this happens whenever im on the coast and in the ocean too. except sometimes theres stuff that wants to eat me#and thats not counting the kinnie dreams. either its ocean stuff that reminds me of being link.#or its like. i guess side order levels or something. and also more cursed than usual salmon run. on cursed stages. eels chasing me#(obvoiusly the agent 8 kinnie dreams)#my real life anxieties about the cat litter and taking a shower meaning i dream about having to do those things.#trying to find a place to lie down and sleep that feels comfortable for me but its impossible#thats. most of the recurring things in my dreams. my brain is tired and i interrupted myself doing Tasks for this.#i didnt expect to ramble about the recurring nature of all of these dream things. and obviously the tag is going here#adventures in losap#< the dream tag
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beginning to realize that I'd like her to be a domestic part of my life, not just a mundane one
and also realizing that even though I know where she fits in my life now, I don't know how I fit into theirs.
#i romanticize the mundane because to me it means peace#there is a place for excitement#but i cant live like that for extended periods of time#i dream of a house with a cat and a couch with (and this is such a silly detail) dusty floors that never get completely clean (wear socks)#and it's mine. and i cook with and for my friends and we gather around in the living room and are just. there#maybe we watch something#maybe its just parallel play#idk#...i also imagine her house. i imagine cuddling on a couch. i imagine their partner talking to me about the things it likes and i get to be#exuberant and passionate about listening#i have many worries. i worry my hopes and dreams for the future may be incompatible or contradictory in some way#i cannot see the future like how i normally do. it used to be so clear cut. so i am giving myself room to dream instead and#to enjoy the present as it is. even if it can't last forever. maybe i wouldnt want it to anyway. nothing gold can stay#personal
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x.2
#I don’t know what to do or say to makes things better so am just putting in the work#I go to therapy 4 times a week#20 hours of therapy per week#to fix myself#i’ve made a smaller list of small house chores and just small stuff i wanted to fix#i actually read a lot now… actual books#I play the piano again#I go for a stroll around the neighbourhood every other day#I clean bucky his shit every day to keep it clear and fresh#I play with him every night so my cat doesn’t get as depressed as i am#I clean my dishes everyday#the small stuff nobody will ever notice apart from me#and am proud of it#proud of the fact that even though people keep abusing me mentally and physically#I get broken down but I get back up and try to fix it#because i’ve always been positive…#i just tend to forget sometimes#i just wish things were different#i just wish it was easier#I just hope people are willing to forgive me#I also just need a fucking hug T_T
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ive had enough of the people in this house
#vent#vent post#tw suicide#tw graphic#my parents never beat me they hardly ever yelled they gave us some punishments#my sister turned out semi normal except whatever shes got going on with mom#we used to fight eachother physically and thered be tears and bruises#we stopped doing that completely about a year ago#im turning eighteen after new years#the family house has been gradually shrinking overtime with me and my sister growing but still sharing one room#having three cats that come in and out of the house as they please#and now also a dog that makes lots of noise and wanders around as it wants too#i feel im not mentally strong enough#for this reality#or to keep living like this#feeling jam packed in a house with my grandparents#little to no privacy since childhood#parents that technically did nothing wrong#but something still went wrong#and things are wrong#and i really want to leave this place and go live on my own#away from all of them#i feel insane#i feel i am Going insane#and i will hurt either myself or someone in this house#i have a deep dark desire to cause harm that i haven't satiated with anything#i wish i had a billion dollars from a lottery so i could run away to my new little apartment in the middle of the city with a friend or 2#and be happy#by not having to be around family that I've had enough of#venting
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Man it sure is hard to exist these days
#not that i want to die bc i don't it's just that it's hard to do anything for myself#basic tasks#extremely difficult#i do things for my cats and around the house but for myself ?#it's always like i don't exist to myself. in my head. in my brain. who's in there man#idk them very well#ooo my depersonalization is super extra mega bad rn ig#personal#words#BUT at least i can say i'll never turn to alcohol again
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the real question is why havent i killed myself yet
#what am i actually waiting for like not to be dramatic but things just keep getting fucking worse#now i think my cats tooth is bad so now i have to find a vet and knowing me and my pet luck theyll just be like oh ok. we’ll just kill her#instead like that’s what’s going to happen so my fault actually for getting so close to her after my dogs died so that’ll be really#fucking fun to go through again and i know i’m being dramatic and that most likely will not happen but it sure could happen again#then it’s been 2 and a half years now living in mental abuse hell with family and i’m not kidding when i say i’ve seen well over 100#apartments and not one has worked out for one reason or another and part of me was scared to even go anywhere because this is exactly what#i was afraid of is something happening again to a pet and all of sudden you’re at the emergency vet at 2am#and they’re killing your dog and then you have to pay 1200 dollars for them to do it so i didn’t even#want to go anywhere anyway deep down and noe my worst fear came true so there’s that i mean i’m not#taking my cat to the emergency vet just the normal one but you know what i mean. or maybe you don’t hopefully you don’t#and so i’ll never get out of this house i’ll never have enough money to live comfortably or happily#i’ll never get over my last enough to move on and honestly the best thing i can do for myself and everyone around me is just sell all my#shit for money and then kill myself so at least my mom can have all that instead of having to deal with my shit so once again i truly truly#don’t know why i can’t just kill myself like why can’t i just do it
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The most validating thing about having a brother in law is sometimes I’ll make a comment about my parents being kinda horrible and he’ll just be like "DUDE FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT IVE BEEN THINKING THIS THE WHOLE TIME BUT DIDNT KNOW HOW TO ADDRESS IT"
#the klock keeps ticking#like i remember about 2 years ago when it really clicked with me that my parents were worse than i let myself believe#i had like covid and so to be safe i completely isolated myself in my room and only came out when no one was around#or with a mask on just to get food or use the bathroom that was it#and like when i had mostly recovered i stopped isolating and i looked around and noticed huh the house is kinda a hot mess#and i realized it was because i was the one who kept up with like basic cleaning and making sure things were in order#so like a little bit later i was in the car with my sister and brother in law and i was talking about this#and i was like ‘i think ive realized our parents are kinda unable to take care of themselves without me doing it for them’#and my BIL was like IM SO GLAD YOU FINALLY NOTICED THIS HAS BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY FOR YEARS#which was just so validating i was like okay so im not just being an ass like this is an actual problem#and idk a more recent thing that maybe uh. made me a little bit emotional was we were basically at a cool place where you can climb shit#and he was just kinda there helping me when it seemed i was gonna lose balance to make sure i didnt get hurt#as well as my sister too and i was like oh god is this was like. basic affection feels like???#is this what it feels like to have someone care like actually kinda give a fuck about your safety and well being???#so yeah i maybe am still not okay with that and still dont know how to feel anymore 😭#so i guess even though hes stinky and i like to bully him I GUESS hes actually a pretty cool guy and he does make my sister happy and he#treats her with respect and hes very good with their cat so yeah maybe i actually really appreciate him and care more about him#than i do my parents and most people in my family#but i cant say that cuz then itll like. go straight to his head 🥺#and he still wont play pokepark 2 with me even though he PROMISED its been like 4 years since he said that and WE STILL HAVENT PLAYED IT 👺👺👺
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