#i do tend to get on tumblr first thing . I know. I know. its humiliating

[nomairuins]

it appears i woke up at around 4:30pm ...... based on the fossil evidence (i went back and looked and theres a posting gap between 10am and 430pm and ik i went to bed around 10am bc i did my gn post.)

[cozage]

Hi hello yes uh-huh

I saw your requests are open (I haven't been on Tumblr for three months 😭😭)

And I love the works!

May I request a law and Kidd x reader (separate) to react to seeing their s/o's (always covered) body since there's all scratches and scars all over and they feel self-conscious about?

( I have a still fading scar on my thigh when I fell in a hole and a metal bar dug itself on it. So I guess that's my take lol)

A/N: I have a scar that I’m a little self conscious of so this was very cathartic for me to write!!! (Also I know Kidd has a scar kink you cannot convince me otherwise)

Characters: gn reader x Law, Kidd

Cw: This is very borderline NSFW, So read at your own risk.

Total word count: 1.2k

Beauty Scars

Law

Law’s hand slipped under your shirt and gave it a tug. 

“Law, wait,” You pulled away from his lips, grabbing his hand to stop him from pulling it up further. 

“I want to see you,” he murmured, leaning into your lips again. 

You pulled away from his advances and he freezed. “Sorry,” he mumbled, his eyes averting away from you.

“It’s fine, really.” You could feel your face warming with embarrassment. 

“No, it’s not.” His hand ran through his hair, and you could see he was distressed at the thought of you being uncomfortable. “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”

You grabbed his face and peppered it with kisses. Law tended to get a little carried away when the two of you were alone, but he always took your nonverbal cues and stopped whenever you were tense. 

“I’m fine,” you assured him. “I really am. I’m just a little self conscious of my body, that’s all.”

His eyes locked with yours. “You’re perfect, I assure you.”

You smiled slightly at his comment. He hadn’t seen the scars on your body yet, and a piece of you was afraid of what his reaction would be when he saw them. You knew he wouldn’t stop loving you, but it would hurt to see him grimace at your body. You hated it enough as it was, you didn’t need another reminder of its imperfections.

Still, you wanted to get it over with sooner than later. Your fingers gripped the bottom of your shirt, and you slowly pulled it up. You closed your eyes to avoid seeing his initial reaction, but you heard him gasp in surprise. You tossed your shirt aside and opened your eyes, finally risking a peek to see his reaction. 

His eyes examined you, taking in the view of your exposed body. After a few moments, he glanced up to meet your gaze. 

You suddenly found yourself feeling very uneasy, and your arms wrapped around your torso, trying to hide. 

“Fuck,” he whispered softly, eyes moving back down your body. “You are beautiful.”

Your cheek burned. You were not expecting that reaction from him. He grabbed your hands, gently prying them away from your midsection and intertwining his fingers with yours so he could have a full view of you again. He leaned into you, kissing your lips slow and soft, before moving down to your neck.

He covered your shoulders in kisses, and when his lips reached one of your scars, you gasped at the contact.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt?” He pulled back, his eyes scanning your face.

“I’m fine,” you assured him. “I just wasn’t expecting it. I thought…” You trailed off, not wanting to say any more.

But Law never lets you get away with things that easily. “Tell me,” he urged. He pressed his forehead against your own, maintaining eye contact with you the whole time. 

“I thought you’d find them off putting,” you admitted, your eyes cast downward in humiliation. “I thought you'd hate them.”

You can feel his brow furrowed in confusion. “Why would I hate them?”

“Because I do.” You had never said it out loud before, not to another person. Most people didn’t even know your body was riddled with scars. You always wore long clothes and avoided changing in front of people to avoid the stares and the questions. 

You could hear Law sigh sadly at your comment, and you felt him squeeze your hands in reassurance. He bent down and softly kissed the first scar he could find. And another, and then another. 

“Your scars are proof that you’re alive, y/n-ya. They’re proof that you’ve lived, and you’ve struggled, and you’ve overcome it all.”

He leaned back up, kissing you once on the forehead before meeting your eyes again. “How on earth could I hate such beauty?”

Kidd

“Fuck!” you shouted, coffee spilling down your shirt. The crew erupted into laughter, and you smiled along with them at your clumsy mistake. “Be right back.”

You got up from your seat and ran back to your room to change. Once inside, you pulled your shirt over your head and tossed it aside, looking through your drawers for a new outfit. 

“Holy fuck,” a deep voice came from the doorway, and you let out a yelp of surprise. You turn, finding your captain standing in the doorway. He’s smirking at you, eyes raking over your body. 

“Captain! I…” Your voice falters as he steps over to you, staring hungrily at your body. You shy away from him, but he pulls you in close, his fingers tracing over your shoulders and down your arms. 

“I didn’t know you had these.” His gaze follows the trail that his hands have created down your torso. 

“I know,” you say, ashamed by how intensely he was staring at you. “Its-”

“So fucking hot,” he growled. As you watched him, you could see he was holding back, trying to refrain from pouncing on you right here and now. He still hadn’t made eye contact with you. He was completely transfixed on your body.

“Hot?”

He grabbed your hand and pulled it up to his lips, kissing the scars that littered your arms. “Do you remember the stories of how you got them?”

Your mouth falls open, shocked by his reaction to something you spent years loathing. Your eyes begin to water, overwhelmed with your lover’s reaction. You wished you could love yourself as much as he loved you. 

His thumb ran over a scar on your forearm, his lips following closely behind. “This one. How’d you get it?”

“I don’t remember,” you admit. “I have so many all over, it’s hard to keep track.”

He looked at you, mischief in his eyes. “All over, huh?”

You started to object, but before you can get any words out, his lips are smashing into yours. His hands trail down your torso and hover at the waistband of your pants, waiting for you to approve of his venture. 

You hesitate for a moment, and then your fingers join his, tugging your jeans down past your waist. His lips leave yours as he lowers to pull your pants down, letting them lay around your ankles. He is eye level with your thighs now, and you can hear him grunt as he discovers new scars of all sizes down your legs. 

His hands wrap around your thighs, and he pulls your legs to meet his lips. His tongue dances across your inner thighs, flicking lightly over the raised skin and scar tissue from a wound that happened years ago. 

You gasp, throwing your hands into his hair to steady yourself as you grind against his face. He doesn’t seem fazed, and you can feel him smile at your eagerness. “I can’t wait to explore your body,” he mumbled against your skin, kissing your tender flesh passionately. “I can’t wait to explore you.”

[tehuti88-art]

12/16/22: r/SketchDaily theme, "Free Draw Friday." This week's character from my anthro WWII storyline is Obersturmbannführer (Lt. Col.) Hasso Reinhardt, sans cap (top drawing) and with cap (bottom drawing). He's rather odd. There'll be more about him later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se.

Regarding his design, he's a white Alsatian (German shepherd). I think I made his nose too small, ah well.

TUMBLR EDIT: Reinhardt is a secondary character whose backstory doesn't play a huge role so far, so what I know is still developing and still very open to change.

A relatively new development is that Hasso Reinhardt is a Junker. He comes from a well-off country family, similar to Louis Dobermann, and similar to the Dobermanns his family is somewhat old fashioned and longs for the "old days" of imperialism and whatnot when their class had meaningful influence. Alas, those times are past. Reinhardt makes do; he meets a lovely young lady and the two grow quite close and, despite his family's grumblings--she's middle class, not very suitable for him--they make plans to marry. His parents hadn't expected this, had figured it was just a temporary fling, so threaten to disown him if he follows through; he defies their threat, however, and says if that's what they want, well, that's what they'll get. He enlists in the military and heads off into the Great War, looking forward to the day it's over and the two of them can be together. While on the front, however, he receives a letter...yep, a "Dear John" letter. She still loves him, but she doesn't want to get in between him and his family, so she breaks it off. The war ends in an armistice; not just Germany, but Reinhardt as well, returns home with his figurative tail between his legs, demoralized and humiliated. [NOTE, WTF, I do not remember writing that. What a weird analogy.] His family is rather cool at first but they magnanimously decide not to rub it in, TOO much. Reinhardt keeps his position in the family, though he's not sure the cost is worth it.

World War II rears its ugly head. Reinhardt's a bit on the older side so I'm not sure yet if he joins the Waffen-SS and fights a bit, or if he heads straight for the SS-Totenkopfverbände, which often switches out members with the Waffen-SS; either way, he ends up in an administrative position in the SS-TV, doing boring bureaucratic stuff. He doesn't complain--in fact, this is the type of work he's best at, taking charge of people, smoothing things over, handling disagreements and all the petty squabbles the SS gets involved in behind the scenes. He prefers bringing people to the table to talk things through, and dealing with theoretical issues on paper, and making a huge cumbersome process more efficient. And if there's anything that's big and cumbersome and perplexing, it's the SS camp system, which the SS-Totenkopfverbände oversees.

Why did Reinhardt join the SS in the first place? I'm not sure, especially considering his temperament. He's not murderous, he's not hateful, he's not bloodthirsty or malicious or even radicalized the way Lt. Hesse is. He's not committed to the idea of the stab in the back. He does come with a lot of old-fashioned, imperialist baggage, though. While most of his fellow SS members are violently racist and antisemitic to the point of wanting people dead, Reinhardt's racism is more subtle, but just as pervasive. The SS comes up with an early plan to deport the Jews elsewhere, possibly to Madagascar (I'm not making that up, "Madagaskarplan" was actually a thing); it doesn't occur to him to think, hm, maybe Madagascar isn't a viable solution to the Jewish Question and it's more likely they'll die there and that's kind of the point--Reinhardt doesn't tend to deal in unpleasant things, he's an idealist. Also, he may not despise or wish violence on the Jews, but he still sees them as subhuman; to him, they're almost like lower primates, with basic intelligence and abilities but nowhere on the same level as the Aryans. They're like chimpanzees or gorillas or, at best, small children. (Presumably he feels the same about other races.) If they ever do anything bad, well it's not really their fault, they just don't possess the intelligence or reasoning ability to know better. They need to be looked after for their own good, and it's the SS's job to do that.

He's an idealist, and pretty naive about some things, but not entirely ignorant--he knows when the camps start focusing on more extreme measures for dealing with Jews and Roma and gays and disabled. He doesn't agree with it, but it's not his place to question; he sticks by the idea that resettlement or supervision is better, but can do nothing more than that. Another reason he finds it preferable to work from behind desks--out of sight, out of mind.

This all changes one day when the alarm at the nearby labor camp is triggered--a group of prisoners has escaped after murdering the commandant, Ernst Dannecker, and presumably taking his stepdaughter Margarethe hostage. (She's actually in on it, though nobody knows this for a while.) There are signs that a while has already passed since the escape; turns out they have roughly an hour's lead. The SS sends out search parties to go through all the nearby buildings and homes although their hopes of finding the perpetrators are dim.

Reinhardt is of course made aware of this but has nothing to do with it. The next day, however, a guard from the camp arrives at SS-Totenkopfverbände administrative headquarters, disheveled and breathless, with bizarre news. After Dannecker's death, his adjutant, Maj. Lars Franke, assumes command--nothing too weird about that. It's the manner in which he does it that raises eyebrows. Franke takes control and insists that he now has the permanent position of commandant--not temporary, and there'll be no process for determining whether anyone else might be better suited. Dannecker was unpopular, so there was lots of whispered theorizing about who might assume his place should anything happen; so of course the other guards are pissed off that they don't even get a say. Franke immediately cracks down on any dissent, threatening the guards the same way Dannecker once threatened them, and just as immediately, they all hate him as well, and want him out. The moment they argue back, though, he snaps--in the middle of the prison yard, in full view of guards and prisoners alike, he orders the kapo, Isaak Schindel, to beat the guard who's being insubordinate. Schindel--who was terrorized by Dannecker previously and is terrorized now--just freezes: He can't disobey an order from an SS guard, but he can't beat an SS guard, either--he literally has no idea what to do. Franke resolves this issue by grabbing Schindel's club and doing the job himself. He beats the guard senseless, threatens any of the other guards that if they help him out he'll do the same to them, hurls Schindel's club at the ground, and storms back inside, where he promptly locks himself in Dannecker's office--which still has his bloodstain on the floor--and refuses to open the door for or respond to anyone. It looks like he's suffered a complete mental breakdown, which isn't far from the truth.

In the midst of the beating, this particular guard mutters to a coworker, "F**k this, I'm getting out of here," demands to be let out (the guards operating the gate are too bewildered to refuse), and flees to headquarters, begging to speak with anyone in charge. The situation is so confusing, and his story so unbelievable, plus the SS-TV is still reeling from Dannecker's death, that it's quite a while before he's put in contact with Reinhardt--or rather, Reinhardt volunteers to hear him, since nobody else seems inclined to. The guard relates his tale, and Reinhardt agrees to visit the camp to see what's up. He arrives there and is allowed in and is met by a bizarre scene: Nobody is working--the few guards still in the yard are keeping to themselves near the administration building, while the prisoners are mostly lingering at the side of the yard near their barracks. Their attention is focused not on the guards but on something on the ground not too far away--it's the unconscious guard, who's been left lying there this whole time. One of the prisoners is squatting on the muddy ground near him, holding a stick and staring back at the others, who have malevolent looks on their thin faces. Reinhardt strides in this direction, noting how the prisoners start to immediately and furtively disperse as soon as they see him coming. The remaining prisoner has his back to him, so doesn't know he's there until he speaks.

Reinhardt: "You! On the ground."

Prisoner: (jumps up, surprised, takes off his cap; he's wearing a green-and-yellow star) "Herr--Herr Obersturmbannführer."

Reinhardt: "Name."

Prisoner: "Schin--Schindel, Isaak Schindel, Herr Obersturmbannführer."

Reinhardt: "What are you doing with that weapon?"

Schindel: "I'm--I'm der Lagerälteste, Herr Obersturmbannführer."

Reinhardt: "Just the one?"

Schindel: "Ja, Herr Obersturmbannführer."

Reinhardt: "What happened to this man?"

Schindel: "It--it was my stick but I didn't touch him, Herr Obersturmbannführer, I swear."

Reinhardt: "Tell me what happened."

Schindel: (hesitates)

Reinhardt: "The truth, Herr Schindel."

Schindel: "It...it was the adjutant, Herr Obersturmbannführer. Herr Franke. He got mad at this man, who gave him cheek, and...he ordered me to hit him but I can't do that, I didn't want to disobey but I didn't know what to do. So he took my stick and beat him with it. I didn't touch him, I swear."

Reinhardt: (stunned) "He's just been lying here unattended since then--?"

Schindel: "Ja, Herr Obersturmbannführer. Herr Franke ordered none of the guards to help him."

Reinhardt: "And why are you sitting here like this?"

Schindel: "Well..." (glances toward the prisoners milling around) "If I didn't they would've killed him, Herr Obersturmbannführer"

Increasingly angry, Reinhardt shouts for one of the nearby guards to come, and orders him and a companion to carry the unconscious guy into the medical ward; when they reiterate Franke's order that they not touch the guy, Reinhardt retorts, "I'm the one with rank here, are you going to disobey?" and that settles it, they pick the poor guy up and carry him away. Then he orders Schindel to lead him to Dannecker's office. This is not Schindel's job, and he feels very ill at ease about it, but also obeys. As soon as he draws near the office a couple more guards loitering nearby see him and start saying, "Hey, Jew, what do you think you're doing in here--?" but Reinhardt then appears and they snap to attention. He demands to be shown to Dannecker's office. They take him there and the door is of course locked; "Kamerad Franke is inside, but he won't come out or do anything but yell at us," one of the guards explains. Reinhardt pounds on the door--"Sturmbannführer Franke!"--and immediately gets a voice shrieking back at him, "I SAID TO GO AWAY!!" That won't do at all.

Reinhardt: "Kamerad Franke! This is Obersturmbannführer Hasso Reinhardt from the administrative office. I order you to open this door immediately!"

Franke: (hurried footsteps, then the rattling of the door unlocking and opening) (panicky) "K--Kamerad Reinhardt! I'm so sorry, I thought you were one of the others--"

Reinhardt: "What the hell is going on here?"

Franke: "Nothing, Kamerad, just a few of my men overreacting."

Reinhardt: "Overreacting? You're the one who's locked yourself in this office, you mind telling me what that's all about?"

Franke: "I just--I just needed a bit of time to cool my head, Kamerad, it's been pure madness here with Kamerad Dannecker's--"

Reinhardt: "Don't act like I don't know what's been going on. It's no excuse for you to behave this way. What's this business with that poor fellow out in the yard? The kapo says you hit him?"

Franke: "Only--only because they both disobeyed my direct orders! There must be discipline! Or else everything breaks down!"

Reinhardt: "You don't go pummeling one of your own men nearly to death and then leave him lying in the dirt, Kamerad Franke!"

Franke: "He disobeyed an order and talked back to me. There's no excuse for it! I have to set an example for the rest!"

Reinhardt: "What sort of example, that you're even worse than Kamerad Dannecker was? He didn't know how to run a camp and neither do you. You know the way we do things and this isn't it. You're not fit to be commandant here."

Franke: "Wh...what?"

Reinhardt: "You're to gather your belongings and leave camp property immediately. For a medical emergency."

Franke: "Med--medical emergency? But--I'm perfectly fine!"

Reinhardt: "You're obviously not. Gather your things and take a medical leave."

Franke: "You can't do this! This isn't your camp!"

Reinhardt: "Effective immediately, it is. Now you can get your things and take a medical leave, or I can send you to a doctor myself. Which would you prefer?"

Well, considering what the Nazis do to the mentally unstable, Franke sees the writing on the wall; fuming and humiliated, he gathers his belongings and departs, though he mutters lots of vague threats under his breath as he does so, and at the gate even shakes his fist back at the camp--"I'm not just going away! I'm going to be back!"--before storming off.

(The last time I talked about Franke's "voluntary" departure, I had no idea what would become of him. I've since learned some details. He successfully transfers into the Waffen-SS, joins a panzer division (both the Wehrmacht and the Waffen-SS have these in my story, and the two often get into sparring matches with each other--the SS think they're badasses while the Wehrmacht think they're idiots who suck at fighting, plus their tanks break down a lot), and gets some of the aggression out of his system that way. He may or may not unwittingly become involved in Project Doomsday, which starts administering the serum to unsuspecting Waffen-SS members. Another thing I found out is, ah, he has a thing for drag performers. But he gets really, really pissed off if you mention he has a thing for drag performers; he just refers to them as women. Some serious denial going on. Anyway. Say goodbye to Franke for now, back to Reinhardt.)

Well, Reinhardt finds he's inherited a labor camp. He doesn't really want it, but here it is. He starts taking action--first order of business is seeing to the prisoners still milling around outside. He asks a guard if they've been fed; no, not since yesterday. Orders some soup cooked up in the kitchen and handed out, then for the prisoners to head back to their barracks since there's no point getting them back to work that day. He'll figure out what else to do with them tomorrow. Checks on the injured guard now in the medical ward; he's regained consciousness but is groggy and in a lot of pain and likely to be out of commission for a while. Gathers the other guards in the yard, gives them a brief summary of what to expect--"Expect some changes"--then sends them back to their posts. Returns to Dannecker's office--now his office--and is surprised to find Schindel still there, wringing his cap in his hands. Reinhardt never dismissed him, so of course he never left; he was so quiet Reinhardt forgot he was there. Requests him to fetch the nearest guard and bring him to the office, and stares at the bloodstain on the floor; he'll need to get that taken care of, too. Schindel returns with a guard, who salutes.

Reinhardt: "That'll do, Herr...ah..."

Schindel: "Schindel, Herr Obersturmbannführer."

Reinhardt: "Herr Schindel. Return to your duties, bitte."

Schindel: (bobs head and leaves)

Reinhardt: "Kamerad. There are any other Sturmbannführer here?"

Guard: "Nein, Kommandant Reinhardt."

Reinhardt: "Hm. Do we have personnel files on site?"

Guard: "Ja, Kommandant Reinhardt."

Reinhardt: "Gather the files of all the Untersturmführer through the Hauptsturmführer and bring them to me, bitte."

Guard goes to the files and records room. An Obersturmführer named Jan Delbrück is here; he used to patrol the yard, and is in charge of administering the final shots that finish off prisoners who are to be executed by firing squad--a highly unpleasant job that he hates. Dannecker, however, got fed up with his habit of "fraternizing" with Schindel--by offering him cigarettes and the two of them standing and smoking together as they watched the yard--so relegated him to the file room and away from the prisoners. He's perplexed by the other guard's request: "What the f**k you want all those files for?" When he's informed that Kommandant Reinhardt wants them he's all "Who the f**k is Kommandant Reinhardt?" When he's told Reinhardt booted Franke and is now in charge he's all "What the f**k is going on out there??" Turns out nobody's bothered to even check in on him and he's missed everything, even the hasty roll call earlier. Despite being beyond flustered, he gathers the requested files and hands them over, then takes a break to go smoke since this is all way over his head. Returns to the file room and to whatever tedious but stable job it is Dannecker gave him to do there, but some time later, is again interrupted by the guard, now informing him that Reinhardt has requested him. Goes to Dannecker's--Reinhardt's--office and meets him for the first time. Reinhardt has Delbrück's file in his hand. He's been browsing through them all, seeking an appropriate replacement for Franke--a new adjutant--and he thinks Delbrück fits the bill just nicely. Flustered all over again--and not really interested in additional responsibility--Delbrück stammers that the previous adjutants were all just one rank below the commandants, whereas he's three ranks below. Reinhardt waves his hand and dismissively says, "Oh, fine, fine--Hauptsturmführer--Sturmbannführer. There. I'll make it official later. Move your belongings to Kamerad Franke's old suite, he won't be needing it anymore. And report back here in the morning and...well, start doing whatever it is adjutants do, we'll figure it out."

Delbrück's pretty sure that's not how promotions work but is too confused to argue. He stands there for a moment, then returns to his bunk, gets his belongings, and moves out of the guard barracks and into Franke's old quarters in the administration building. Reinhardt, meanwhile, unlocks and enters the suite that was supposed to be Dannecker's--it's just off his office--yet has gone unused all this time. Commandants are required to live on camp property and never be away for longer than 24 hours without permission, yet this is just another of the SS regulations that Dannecker disregarded, choosing instead to live in a house offsite with his wife and stepchildren. Reinhardt looks around the barren quarters and lets out a small sigh. There will need to be big changes here. But they'll have to wait until morning.

Camp mornings come early, but Reinhardt is used to waking before dawn. Roll call is taken for both prisoners and guards, and the former are sent to work as usual, though Reinhardt takes some additional time to address the guards. The current situation and schedule will remain for now but a new one is to be phased in over time. Firstly, renovation of the prisoner barracks. Of course the prisoners themselves are going to handle all the heavy work, but it'll result in better living conditions, which means improved prisoner labor. Speaking of labor, the entire way this is handled is to be overhauled. No more back breaking just for the sake of back breaking; it's a labor camp, and its immense labor force can be put to good use for the Reich. Labor is going to be diversified--some camps are known for their manufacture of goods, for example--and prisoners are to be assessed for general labor skills and then assigned appropriate roles on the reorganized labor force. The camp will become productive rather than destructive. And speaking of destructive: Reinhardt points at the crematorium, and says, "It's my goal to keep that thing running as infrequently as possible. This is not an extermination camp. If one can be productive, if one can earn their keep, then they don't get the bullet. We're in a war; we need to keep things working."

The guards listen but cast each other sideways glances. Reinhardt's ideas are beyond strange, but nobody speaks up. Over the following weeks and months, they gradually implement the new plan; the prisoners fix up the buildings, new jobs are assigned, necessary goods are brought in. Previously the camp was known only for hard, pointless labor, things like breaking and transporting rocks aimlessly, building and tearing down walls, digging and filling in holes--stupid stuff that was never intended to be productive, just to more slowly kill the prisoners. Those who were incapable of doing any of this were shot and cremated. Under Dannecker, the crematorium ran almost constantly, its acrid black smoke a frequent irritant to people in the city when the wind blew the wrong way. Now, heavy labor serves a purpose, plus lighter jobs are created--such as sewing uniforms, and the manufacture of goods for sale--and prisoners who previously might have been executed on arrival are put to work in these roles instead. Of course, there are always going to be those who can do no work at all, and the crematorium can't stop running entirely. Still, the death toll drops significantly, and Reinhardt occasionally fudges it even more by sending unwanted prisoners along to other camps rather than killing them there. This makes it clear his motivations aren't 100% altruistic and enlightened--for example, he puts these particular prisoners out of his mind, they're someone else's problem--plus he's still advocating what's basically slave labor. Still, it's a far more progressive stance than most commandants take, and it isn't long before Reinhardt's tactics start to garner attention--definitely not all of it positive. The SS-Totenkopfverbände, in particular, is concerned by this turn of events, and sends representatives to question Reinhardt and check the place out.

Reinhardt shows off how much the camp has improved, the crematorium barely runs anymore, the prisoners are in better shape and making good use of their skills. A representative complains that this isn't what the camp is for. "It's a labor camp, ja...?" Reinhardt retorts. "I'm making these prisoners productive members of society, in keeping with our principles." He points at the sign over the gate, ARBEIT MACHT FREI. "You see that gate? Work sets you free." "It's not meant to be taken literally," the representative protests, but it's futile; Reinhardt says, "Unless and until I get a letter to desist from der Reichsführer himself, this is how I'm running my camp." The representatives leave, flustered and nonplussed but unable to do anything. Various times throughout Reinhardt's tenure as commandant, he gets such visits and audits, and sparks quite a bit of grumbling in the ranks of the SS-Totenkopfverbände and the Allgemeine-SS (which also investigates Reinhardt and various of his men such as Delbrück for possible criminal activities), but they can never dig up quite enough dirt to do much, and higher-ups aren't much inclined to take action, being too distracted by the war. Not to mention that everyone considers this situation a vast improvement over how Dannecker did things, and the camp really is quite productive, finally turning a profit off its labor. And the city residents find it nice not breathing that awful smoke all the time. It seems like a win-win for everyone. (Well, except for the prisoners who get sent along to other camps.)

Speaking of Delbrück, even he expresses skepticism of Reinhardt's new methods--"You know they're all laughing at you behind your back, ja?" he asks as they eat dinner together (both of them are bachelors)--but Reinhardt brushes it off: "I don't worry about what they're doing behind my back when I have enough to deal with in front of my face."

Since I just alluded to it...in the SS it's supposed to be a rule that eligible men get married and start families--four kids is the ideal. Many of them never bother, for various reasons. Delbrück, for example, is a loner who despises the thought of starting a family, though he does participate for a while in Lebensborn, likely fathering at least a few children he never meets, then later on gets involved with Mirjam Zweifel, a Jewish prostitute (obviously this doesn't count, though to him it ends up being a relationship). Reinhardt, meanwhile, just never gets around to it. Although it was ages ago and most of his family have passed on, he still carries the sting of being dumped by the one woman he cared about so much, and although he has a brief fling here and there (I mean, he's not entirely celibate), like Delbrück, he doesn't bother getting emotionally attached. Now nearing middle age, although still fit and in good health, he can't help but figure most women wouldn't be too interested in settling down with him anyway. So rather than deal with possible rejection he just avoids the subject. Delbrück doesn't get pestered by the SS about this due to his "contributions" to Lebensborn, though the SS does niggle at Reinhardt now and then that he's not getting any younger; he does his best to ignore them and focus on his work.

When keeping track of everything at the camp gets a little too complicated, they decide they need to hire a secretary. The SS-Helferinnenkorps, the women's auxiliary offshoot of the SS (women aren't allowed to join the Schutzstaffel), accordingly sends one over. SS-Helfer Britta Azinger arrives and meets Delbrück first; he takes a good look at her--young, blue eyed, strawberry blond, petite, curvy, with the most adorable winning smile--and promptly leads her to Reinhardt's office, barely able to keep the smirk off his face. They'd been expecting a dour frumpy older woman, not this. They arrive before Reinhardt's desk and Delbrück introduces Azinger but the commandant doesn't even bother looking up from his papers at first, just offering a hasty greeting and waving for Delbrück to show her to her office, until Azinger speaks up, saying, "Guten Tag, Kamerad Reinhardt, I've heard such good things and I look forward to working with you." Hearing that bright unexpected voice, Reinhardt looks up. And blinks. The most beatific smile spreads across Azinger's face, and the lamp backlights her just so, that she literally looks like an angel beaming down at him. (It doesn't hurt that she's rather busty and the buttons on her shirt and jacket are straining, either.) He stands up to greet her--she's quite short and he's quite tall--and wonders aloud what she means by having heard good things about him; "Oh, everyone's heard of how you run your camp," she says; "It's quite revolutionary! I actually volunteered to be posted here so I might learn more about your techniques." Reinhardt's quite startled by all this, but Azinger just has the most winning smile (and oddly tight uniform), and she seems so impressed by him, that he can barely think straight; he offers to show her to her office instead of Delbrück. He tells her when he and Delbrück have dinner and invites her to join them--"I understand if you have other plans, though." Azinger, however, replies that it'd be her pleasure to join them, and Reinhardt leaves her to get settled in her new office. Delbrück's been lurking off to the side this whole time and he falls into step with Reinhardt again, still smirking, as he returns to his adjacent office.

Reinhardt: "What's with that look?"

Delbrück: "I think she likes you."

Reinhardt: "Oh nonsense! She's just excited about the job, you heard her."

Delbrück: "Mm-hm."

Reinhardt: "And what's that mean?"

Delbrück: "Means I've yet to meet a Fräulein so 'excited about a job,' but if that's what you'd like to tell yourself."

Reinhardt: "You're being ridiculous! I'm old enough to be her father. Um Himmels willen!"

Delbrück: "So?"

Reinhardt: "She has far more in common with you."

Delbrück: "I'm not the one she was giving that look, but whatever you'd like to tell yourself!"

Reinhardt: "She--wasn't giving any look! Stop being stupid!"

Delbrück: "All right then, she's just really interested in your camp techniques."

Reinhardt: "Oh...shut up!!"

It's obvious, though, that Azinger's presence, and her willingness to hang on every word he says, have Reinhardt flustered. He tries hard to stick to the idea that she's literally just star struck by the way he runs the camp, but has to admit to himself that her admiration is flattering, and she's awfully pretty. She gets set up in her office, gets her assignments, sets to work getting everything in order. And even though she's just one secretary, she's quite skilled at this; she's not merely a cute face and a snug jacket. (Though that sure doesn't hurt.) She joins Reinhardt and Delbrück at their suppers on site (Delbrück goes missing every few weeks, paying a visit to the brothel, though they're unaware of this), and she listens, rapt, to everything he says and laughs at every joke he makes. He has to force himself to ignore Delbrück's looks lest he get the urge to slap him. And then one day he and Azinger just happen to end up in a file room at the same time and she needs help reaching a shelf and nearly falls so he catches her and yes, you can guess what happens. Delbrück wasn't being ridiculous after all. Still, Reinhardt wonders if it's genuine or just a one-time thing. He decides to invite her back to his quarters one evening and see how it goes.

This excerpt from an adult WIP is rather more...risqué...than I prefer to post here, and I considered editing it a bit, but I guess it's PG-13 enough to share. I did make TWO edits: In the original, Reinhardt calls Azinger "Fräulein Azinger," which in my version of things is not correct, he should be calling her "Kameradin." I also changed the spelling of "Commandant" as I feel it should be spelled with a K when it's in a title. ("Kamerad Hasso" isn't accidental, earlier he asked her to call him that privately. I don't think this is standard in German but my characters often use "Herr," "Frau," etc. before a first name when they're familiar yet not intimate with each other; they use these before last names when they're not as familiar. When very close to each other (e. g., married) and talking directly to each other (i. e., not referring to each other in third person) they usually drop titles altogether. Notice for example how Inga Dobermann refers to, say, Ernst Dannecker, a formal acquaintance of her husband's, as "Herr Dannecker," to her own close friend Gunter Hesse as "Herr Gunter," and addresses her husband as just "Louis." Again, this is likely a convention of my own design, not based on fact.) Any other inaccuracies in titles are due to my own ignorance (and on what I just explained), and yeah, my version of SS members have...weird morbid conversations with each other. I mean, I figure it comes with the job.

He paused in the doorway and watched her gather papers for a moment before venturing, "Kameradin Azinger...?" She lifted her head to give him an inquisitive look. Ah God, her eyes were so beautiful and blue. "Would you like to join me tonight...? In my quarters?" He pushed down a twinge of worry that he was being too forward, and added, "It's certain to be more accommodating than a file room."

Was that overstepping? Surely he'd overstepped. He wondered a moment why he'd let himself get so rusty with women. Azinger, though, after blinking those beautiful eyes, smiled that beautiful smile--it put dimples in her round cheeks and made the corners of her eyes crinkle in a way that made his heartbeat pick up--and tapped her papers into a neat pile. Her desk was so neat and orderly, like her uniform; he had the sudden urge to sweep all the papers off it and hoist her up onto it and rip her buttons off, and had to swallow hard--why did these images keep popping into his head, he wasn't a hormonal teenager anymore. She stepped around that lovely neat desk, clasping her folder of papers to those lovely plump breasts, and crinkled those lovely blue eyes at him.

"Of course, Kamerad Kommandant. I'd love to."

The way she said I'd love to made a shiver pass over his skin; it wasn't quite proper but he offered his arm, and she looped her own through it, and they left her office. This time of the evening, the chance they'd run into any of the other guards was minimal, and even Schindel and Delbrück were busy elsewhere--Schindel keeping watch out in the yard with his stick, Delbrück gone off to do...whatever it was he decided to do every couple of weeks--so surely it wouldn't hurt to walk arm in arm for once. He peered down at her and she peered back up, giving her sweet smile and pressing a little bit closer so her breast brushed against him. Ah, God...he swallowed and walked a bit faster, Azinger following suit.

The camp was small enough that the commandant didn't have his own house, rather just personal quarters located off his main office. These had gone unused during Dannecker's tenure, the previous commandant preferring to break with regulations and return to his private home, not far outside camp grounds, every night; Reinhardt had decided to resume normal rules and order, which meant staying on camp property at night. He imagined this was easier for him, having no family to return home to, although now that Azinger had arrived, dim thoughts of being surrounded by beautiful plump little children had started forming in his mind. He blushed a little and pushed these thoughts down as rather premature; she was just an SS-Helfer, her position only temporary so far, and he had no clue what her thoughts were about settling down and starting a family, yet. There was time for such things in the future; right now they arrived at his office, and he unlocked the door and ushered her within. He then unlocked the door behind the desk, turning on the lamp, and gestured; Azinger stepped inside, peering around.

"I've never seen a commandant's personal quarters before," she murmured, rather needlessly, he felt, though he didn't mind the attempt at conversation.

"You've worked in many camps...?" he inquired.

"This is my third. And I must say, a great improvement over the others. I realize they're a necessary evil...but still. I don't like very much writing up the lists of who is to go to the gas chambers every day."

"Well...this is no issue, here," Reinhardt said, feeling a twinge of pride. "This is no death camp. I prefer to focus on keeping my inmates alive. What good is a labor camp if you keep killing off the labor?" He gestured at the windows and she peered at the view of the buildings in the distance. "Anyone who becomes too sick or weak to work, we humanely shoot in the head, and send to the crematorium. See no smoke? It doesn't run that often. Some commandants work their inmates into the ground, but what's the good of that. This is actually both cheaper and more efficient, plus the inmates are far less likely to cause trouble."

"So sensible." Azinger smiled up at him and his heartbeat picked up again.

"Ja, well...after the debacle with the previous leadership, the bar is a bit low," he admitted, not sure why he felt the need to downplay his earlier bragging.

"Come, now." She set down her folder and clasped his hands in hers, pressing them to her bosom; he had to fight not to try to dig his fingers into her. "Everything I've been told says you've done most excellent work with your camp! Decent labor, decent morale! Your guards are in top form and even your kapo seems content. No more awful, horrible Dannecker with the bodies piling up and the crematorium running all the time. We all heard the stories about him. No wonder he had a prisoner escape. A lousy commandant with poor control of his camp. Good riddance!"

Reinhardt blinked--that outburst had certainly been unexpected. "Ja, well," he said, and could think of nothing else.

"You, on the other hand..." She clasped his hands tighter against that lovely plump swell, and he swallowed. "So efficient! So well organized and kind! A commandant doesn't have to be a soulless monster, a Dannecker. You've proven this. I hope all pay attention, I hope you and your camp become the model for the rest. Such a service to the Fatherland." She lowered his hands, as well as her voice. "Kamerad Hasso...the bedroom? I think I should like to see it, right about now."

As she'd talked, her breathing had kept picking up; his had, as well. "So should I," he nearly stammered. "You...you wouldn't prefer some tea or something, first...?" he made himself ask, to be polite.

Azinger quickly shook her head. "Nein, danke...bedroom?"

"This way."

Squeezing her hand back, he gently pulled one of his free and led her through the sitting room, down a short hall, and opened a door to usher her inside. He turned on the lamp and the rather spare but functional settings were illuminated. Azinger glanced around at the bed, the bureau, the small desk, the lack of any decor.

Said Reinhardt, "I know it's likely not as much as you're used to..."

She turned back to face him. "So efficient!" she breathed, clasped his tunic, and kissed him. He blinked--this was the oddest kink he'd heard of yet, and he'd heard of quite a few...

I have to cut off there as it quickly turns no longer PG-13, heh. 😅

Anyway, it's pretty clear by now it's not just a one-time thing, and Azinger isn't just really into his "techniques," she's definitely interested in him. And Reinhardt's definitely interested in her. Yes, she's young and cute and enthusiastic but those are just the icing on the cake; she seems to genuinely admire him, and they have lots of long talks when not otherwise occupied. Her mindset is similar to his in lots of ways, and he finds his previous infatuation growing into something more. He really does imagine that a life with her, having a family, would be a good one, and it's not even a leap, they both meet all the SS criteria so surely a marriage would be approved. He never gets the chance to ask her, however, even if he'd been able to summon the courage; after some time Azinger's posting at the camp expires, and she's called to return to headquarters for a new assignment elsewhere. She delivers this news to Reinhardt quite gloomily; her disappointment is apparent, and sincere. Reinhardt sadly sees her off, wishing her well and standing in the yard with Delbrück to watch the car drive her away. Delbrück lights a cigarette, takes a draw, lets it out. Pats Reinhardt's shoulder.

Delbrück: "Other fish in the sea, Kamerad."

Reinhardt: (resigned) "Ja...yet none of them are her."

The story goes on, Reinhardt keeps running his camp. As the war draws to a head, it starts to become clear Germany is not faring so well, and ominous rumors spread from the Eastern Front that more troops may need to be mustered from the ranks of the camp guards; Reinhardt attempts to ignore these as there's nothing really he can do, anyway. More prisoners pass through the camp so it has to be enlarged to accommodate some, though this also means more people are sent away on the trains; Reinhardt doesn't like this but has no real say over it. He tries to cling to his idealism but the state of things has him growing increasingly jaded, with thoughts of wanting it to be over so he can just quit the camp and retire back to his old country estate. Sure, he'll be alone, but it's better than dealing with this all the time.

And then, seemingly out of the blue, a ray of sunshine: Azinger arrives back at the camp, suitcase in hand, bright smile on her face. She's gone through various postings in other locations; when her most recent one ended, her supervisor offered her her choice of her next assignment, since she'd done so well. Azinger requested to return to Reinhardt's camp. Her supervisor was perplexed by this, yet granted the request; and now here she is, "If you'll have me." Of course he'll have her; Reinhardt heartily welcomes her back in more ways than one. She resumes her previous role keeping camp records in order and keeping him company at night; he at last gathers the courage to awkwardly ask her to come to stay with him, for good, when the war is over, and she gives him that sunny smile that makes his heart flutter and says of course she will.

Waffen-SS officials pay the camp a visit and request that Reinhardt summon all his guards under the age of forty: Reinforcements are needed on the Eastern Front. The Waffen-SS and the SS-Totenkopfverbände are closely aligned, with the camp system frequently drawing its guards from the ranks of wounded Waffen-SS members; the obverse holds as well now, with the Waffen-SS drawing additional troops from among the camp guards. A good number of Reinhardt's guards are under forty, so he's left with a skeleton crew, although he does get a few extra from the Waffen-SS. Among those to be mustered into service, however, is his adjutant, Delbrück; Delbrück's never been in combat before so he's a little nervous, but he doesn't protest, and responds to the call. Reinhardt watches him go this time, and pushes down his feelings of worry, that the war isn't heading in the direction it should be. When Delbrück and most of his guards return some months later, not much worse for wear, these feelings only increase; Delbrück confirms his suspicions that something is up, and the "triumphant" return of these troops is concealing it. The war is practically lost, and those in command know it's just a matter of time before either the Americans or the Red Army make it into Germany; Delbrück and the others could have continued fighting, but were called back for this mock celebration, basically abandoning the regular Wehrmacht troops. (Delbrück practically burned with shame when he and the others were ordered to leave the front, the regular troops yelling about what cowards the SS were although they offered to stay.) The only way their position would be surrendered is if those in charge knew it was futile. Delbrück says the Red Army isn't there just yet, but they should be arriving in the coming months. He urges Reinhardt to make a plan to bail out the first chance he gets; he says that he sure will.

Reinhardt is dismayed by this news, but not ready to go. When news reaches them that Allied troops have in fact entered the country, he advises Azinger to return to her family and head someplace safe. She asks him to come with her, but he says he has to stay at the camp. "Maybe I'll see you after all this," he says, though he knows his chances are dim if he's captured. Realizing she can't convince him to leave his post, Azinger vows, "I'll wait for you," kisses him, and departs.

Delbrück and a handful of the guards are the next to go, after enemy troops have entered the city; Reinhardt doesn't try to stop them, and even wishes Delbrück good luck before he goes. (Delbrück runs into the camp chauffeur, Andreas Cranz, and they, Cranz's mother, the prostitute Delbrück's been seeing, and her daughter escape the city.) Reinhardt ventures into the city but gets hit by a random shot and returns to the camp, in great pain and bleeding heavily; he makes his way to the room where the loudspeaker system and other controls are located. He announces over the loudspeakers that the gate is to be left open, and he's turning off the electricity to the fences; any guards remaining are free to leave, but even more, any prisoners who are able to walk are allowed to flee as well. He's heard rumors of other camps being liberated so he assumes the same will happen here, and any prisoners too weak or sick to leave on their own will soon be rescued anyway. He turns off the microphone, shuts off electricity to the fences, and slumps to the floor to wait for the troops to show up, figuring they're likely to shoot or hang him; he's not too afraid of that, though he regrets that he won't get to spend more time with Azinger.

After a little while, as he's dozing off, he hears footsteps. He blinks his eyes open when a shadow falls over him, expecting an American soldier (if he's lucky) or a Russian soldier (if he's unlucky), which is why he's so confused to see instead Isaak Schindel, the kapo, looking down at him.

Something I actually forgot to go over while I was detailing the relationship between Reinhardt and Azinger is the relationship between Reinhardt and Schindel. It's an odd one, but just as genuine. Although he was appointed kapo by the previous commandant, Ernst Dannecker, after getting into a fight with another inmate, Schindel was also treated terribly by him; he wasn't a frequent target of Dannecker's, but the handful of times Dannecker went after him were bad, especially an incident where he forced Schindel and another prisoner, Josef Diamant, into a humiliating and degrading situation--what made that incident especially rough was that Schindel hadn't even done anything to warrant being involved, he was just there. Diamant, the true target of Dannecker's spite, is of course the one who killed him and escaped, leading to Reinhardt taking over. (Schindel witnessed the escape, and despite their enmity--he'd started targeting Diamant for beatings and harassment after the incident with Dannecker since he couldn't target Dannecker himself--Diamant left the figurative door open for him to join them, but he was too afraid to participate.) Schindel has no idea what to expect of a new commandant. The job of kapo is an especially dangerous one, as you're hated by the guards, yet you're hated even more by your fellow prisoners. You have to constantly watch your back. Schindel has a wife and child on the outside (or so he hopes) and is focused on surviving long enough to get back to them; he decides the guards are the lesser of two evils (the kapo gets a weapon, a private room, some extra food, and no beatings, improving his chances of survival), and tries hard to keep them placated, which includes sitting by and protecting the guard beaten by Franke, since he knows he'll be killed by the other prisoners, otherwise. (After he stands over the guard and threatens the approaching prisoners with his club, one of them spits at him yet they resentfully retreat.) When Reinhardt arrives in the yard and first addresses him, he's as submissive as ever, removing his cap (a requirement when interacting with the SS) and obeying everything he requests. He hopes he won't be as bad as Dannecker.

Reinhardt is a big imposing guy, so it's easy to get the wrong impression of him, yet he's not exactly cruel to the prisoners, and especially not to Schindel. He ends up relying on the kapo quite a bit, even having him run errands that aren't typical for a prisoner functionary--light work, like fetching things and people. Lest I give the wrong impression, this is not an egalitarian "friendship"--it's more like Reinhardt as a benevolent master and Schindel as a favorite slave, or a pet. Indeed, I already went over how Reinhardt assumes other races are just too mentally deficient to be on the same level, so of course he treats them almost like semi-intelligent animals. (He starts to modify this view after interacting with Tobias Schäfer, the Dobermanns' in-home physician and a former prisoner of the camp under Dannecker; he's surprised when Schäfer holds his own discussing intellectual matters with him and even appears to know more than he does, forcing him to reassess his belief that Jews are lacking in intelligence. After Lt. Hesse shuttles Schäfer away, Reinhardt asks him, "Kamerad Hesse! Who was that fascinating Jew??"--he's just so amazed.) Schindel is the one in the best position to know what's going on in the camp, so Reinhardt often turns to him for information--not outright snitching, but more to get a feel of the atmosphere. He even asks his opinions on things and makes smalltalk at him--I say "at," as Schindel, unlike Schäfer, is poorly educated, working class, and not so erudite or knowledgeable--he really IS ignorant of a lot of intellectual things, so he's not good at conversation. He's also confused why a commandant would want to chat with him rather than threaten him. So their interactions usually consist of Reinhardt doing most of the talking while Schindel listens with his head lowered and his cap in his hands, offering a "Ja, Herr Kommandant" or a "Nein, Herr Kommandant" or an "I don't know, Herr Kommandant." It's fine, though--Reinhardt just likes to talk, and Schindel listening is good enough for him. He grows quite fond of the kapo, to the point that he develops the habit of taking Schindel's cap and putting it back on his head whenever Schindel takes it off; considering that prisoners are required to remove their caps when dealing with the SS guards, Reinhardt's actions are quite a breach of etiquette, as well as very meaningful: In at least this one small thing, he considers Schindel nearly an equal, and deserving of respect.

Schindel, in turn, grows devoted to Reinhardt, mostly out of gratitude that he treats him so well. The inequality between them and the circumstances of their friendship--similar to Dr. Schäfer and Lt. Hesse, a relationship between a persecuted party and a persecutor--makes Schindel's reaction similar to Stockholm syndrome; it likely wouldn't have occurred in any other circumstances, and he and Reinhardt technically are enemies. He's so beaten down by his past treatment at Dannecker's hands and his poor relations with his fellow prisoners that the kindness Reinhardt shows him--however condescending--earns his loyalty, and he does whatever Reinhardt asks, without question.

Schindel hears Reinhardt's final message over the loudspeaker, has already seen the guards bailing out, watches the rest of them--and those prisoners who are able--flee the camp as soon as the gate opens and the electric fences turn off. He's literally free to make a run for it--but just like the last time such an opportunity presented itself, during Diamant's escape, he freezes, and can't bring himself to leave. He's gotten used to being a prisoner, and the uncertainty of the outside world is terrifying--ironic, considering how hard he's been fighting to stay alive long enough to be freed. He doesn't head for the wide-open gate. Instead he heads into the administration building, and goes looking for the control room. He finally locates it (he's passed through various parts of the building before) and tentatively enters. Finds Reinhardt here, sitting on the floor, slumped and bleeding, and hurries over to him.

Reinhardt blinks up at him and sees the kapo still wielding his club--for once, Schindel is looking down at him and he's looking up, and Schindel could very easily hit him in the head and kill him if he wanted to. Yet all that Reinhardt does is murmur, "Herr Schindel...? What are you doing here?"

Schindel sees how badly Reinhardt is wounded and tries to tend to him, though isn't sure how. He leaves temporarily to rummage through the medical building, where a few ill/injured prisoners remain, digs out antiseptic and bandages, returns, does what little he can though Reinhardt tells him it's too dangerous for him to try removing the bullet; all he can do is apply pressure to the wound. Reinhardt again asks him why he's there, tells him he has the chance to go now--doesn't he have family waiting for him? "I don't know where they are," Schindel stammers, eyes tearing up, "I don't even know if they're alive." For obvious reasons that comment stings Reinhardt a little. Further attempts to convince Schindel to leave result in him admitting he's too afraid to: "I don't remember what it's like out there, this is all I know." By now Reinhardt is growing drowsy and weak; Schindel tries to keep him awake, but he loses consciousness.

He comes to not long after at the sound of loud footsteps approaching, and immediately after, soldiers storm into the room, aiming their guns at Reinhardt and Schindel and yelling in another language. Schindel throws up his hands and panics, babbling that he can't understand, though they don't listen to him, just yell even louder. Reinhardt, on the other hand, recognizes the language--English--and is relieved that the Americans are the ones to find them, not the Russians. He's fluent in English and the soldiers are demanding their names, ranks, and serial numbers. He gives his name and rank and SS number, confirms when asked that he's the commandant of the camp, but insists Schindel can't understand and has no rank or number to give as he's a prisoner, not a Nazi. The soldiers don't immediately take his word for it as they've already come across plenty of SS officers attempting to escape while disguised as civilians or even as camp prisoners; "Cowards," Reinhardt mutters, but sticks to his story. The soldiers keep asking why a prisoner would stay behind with him rather than escape and he admits he can't answer that, he doesn't understand either. Eventually the Americans grudgingly accept that Schindel is who Reinhardt says he is--a search of the records left behind confirms that he's the kapo, which explains him being armed with a club--and he's taken away, still protesting, while another group of soldiers roughly pull Reinhardt up and take him to receive medical attention; they definitely aren't gentle about it, but at least he's still alive. So far.

While a medic is attending to his wound (sans anesthetic or painkillers), a military official visits him. Knowing he has nothing to gain from holding out, Reinhardt cooperates as best he's able. He confirms his identity and that the camp is his, and that he turned off the fences and opened the gate. He doesn't know where any of his guards ran off to as he made a deliberate point to never ask. He says there may still be prisoners who were too sick to leave the camp (the Americans have already found them). When asked why the crematorium is cold and has been cleaned out, he explains it hasn't been run in months. He asks if Schindel is being cared for and is surprised to learn Schindel has been asking after him as well; he requests the Americans to help Schindel find his family if possible. He doesn't have much useful information to offer, so he fully expects to end up on the wrong end of a rope or a gun, but the Americans persist with their interrogation in the hopes that he can provide something. He does tell them the location of SS-Totenkopfverbände administrative headquarters, where they might find more records--and he describes how to find the hidden passage leading under and away from the camp, which he and Delbrück had located some time previously. This, the SS had finally discovered, is how Josef Diamant and the others had escaped from the camp so long ago, and they'd learned of its presence from Margarethe Dannecker, whom Commandant Dannecker had once taken down there to abuse and threaten her to silence. (He claimed that down there, nobody could hear her scream.) Diamant had enlisted Gret's aid in killing her stepfather and escaping through this passage, which Dannecker himself had concealed behind a devil tapestry (Dannecker's nickname being Der Teufel, or The Devil). This confirms that Diamant, Gret, and their companions are in fact members of the resistance Diamond Network, which has worked against the Nazis ever since. Reinhardt hadn't thought he had any particularly useful info to offer the Allies, but this bit here is more illuminating than he knew, and helps ensure the safety of the remaining Network members as the Allies are taking over the city.

Reinhardt, to his surprise, is spared execution, though he is sentenced to around a decade in prison. He's brought to an old converted castle to serve his time. To his further surprise he's visited by Schindel. His joy at seeing him again is dampened once he learns his reason for being there: Schindel was able to locate his wife, alive and well with their young daughter, though both she and the rest of the old friends and family who survived the war want nothing more to do with him, due to his time spent as a kapo, a collaborator with the Nazis. He's alone and heartbroken: "I tried so hard to stay alive for them, and now they don't want me...I wish I'd died in the camp." Reinhardt is literally the only friendly face he can think of. Reinhardt tries to convince him it isn't his fault, though coming from him, he knows the words ring pretty hollow; all he can do is urge him to hold out hope, and offer a listening ear if and when Schindel needs it. He otherwise has plenty of alone time to think things over, and admits to the American military authorities who occasionally visit that, while he was wondering over the ignorance and stupidity of the "inferior" races, "I was the stupid one."

Reinhardt is eventually declared to no longer be a threat; he shows no interest in stirring up pro-Nazi sentiment or seeking out any remaining colleagues from the SS. He would honestly prefer to just return to his old family estate, though the property has since been confiscated and put to other use so it's no longer his. He serves out his full sentence and is released. On his way from the castle prison, he glances up and notices somebody standing some distance ahead. She's a little older, a little heavier, her strawberry blond hair a little darker, but there's no mistaking those crinkling blue eyes and that beaming smile. Britta Azinger indeed waited for him. After they embrace and greet each other, she explains that the world that awaits isn't kind to people like them--understandably--and while she was fortunate to find a job to support herself, she doubts he'll have the same luck. Reinhardt replies that he'll think of something. She asks him to join her and they go on a ride further into the country. They come to a stop and exit the car, looking around at the grass and trees. Reinhardt takes in a deep breath--fresh air.

Azinger: "It's not safe for you to be in the cities. Someone will always be able to track you down and know who you are."

Reinhardt: "I imagine."

Azinger: "I doubt anyone will let you have a job. I was lucky to find the one I did, save up some money just in case. I'm not sure what you'll be able to do, though."

Reinhardt: "I see no use in worrying. What will happen will happen. If it's not in my favor...well, I made my own bed."

Azinger: "Do...do you remember, back before the war ended, when you asked me to come stay with you? Once everything was over?"

Reinhardt: "Ja, I remember...what is it?"

Azinger: (gestures) "Come, this way. I want you to see something."

Reinhardt follows Azinger on a short walk through the trees and grass. A country path appears, then, at the other end, a tiny cottage. Reinhardt furrows his brow, looks quizzically at Azinger.

Azinger: "I figure you have nowhere left to stay. The money I saved up, I put it here. I know it's not really what you're used to..."

Reinhardt: (blinks) "You...you did this for me?"

Azinger: "For us, I hope." (pauses) "You asked me to come stay with you...I wondered, would it be so different if I asked you to come stay with me?"

Reinhardt: (pause) (smiles) "It wouldn't be so different at all."

Azinger smiles as well. Takes his hand--he grasps hers back--and they head for the little house together.

[Hasso Reinhardt 2022 [‎Friday, ‎December ‎16, ‎2022, ‏‎3:00:08 AM]]

[Hasso Reinhardt 2022 2 [‎Friday, ‎December ‎16, ‎2022, ‏‎3:00:18 AM]]

[tomatograter]

i saw on twitter you reread the epilogues! would it be okay to ask how you feel about them now on a reread? have any of your opinions changed, for better or worse? i've really loved the art and analysis that's come out of your tumblr/twitter ever since they dropped, so i'm excited to know what you think. i couldn't get a great read on your feelings based on your tweets so that is why i am asking directly, hope that's okay!

Not much changed. That wasn't the first time I attempted to re-read the HS Epilogues, I've gone through bits and pieces of them a handful of times in the years since the original release and it's an effort I make to remind myself of events that happened because I tend to... forget. I don't mind reading books, I like those! In the hellscape that was 2020, according to my StoryGraph stats (great new site, by the way, stop using the Amazon-clawed Goodreads and transfer your account to a black led effort to diversify the current literary environment) I managed to read about 22 new books. Not too shabby for a total dumbass. The problem isn't that it was text-only, they just sort of mush together as a nondescript mass in my brain given enough time. 

The first time I finished the epilogues, I said they felt like a purposefully unfinished text, but one at odds with itself (though in much more undercooked words, as I had just spent the last 2 days busy reading it) and it's an impression that has deepened since.

I do not mean anything like "Meat contradicts Candy" with this, that'd be foolish; the dissonance is the fucking point. I know how dubiously canon alternate universes work and I *enjoy* them, otherwise I wouldn't have wasted years in the circus ring that is accompanying Big 2 Comics in the hopes they'd do anything genuinely cool with that concept. Instead, I find there is a general problem in terms of internal cohesion. The Epilogues want to be a lot of things at once, be it a continuation, an expulsion, a deliberate attempt at public scorn, a somewhat genuine play in heartfelt analysis, a reinvention of what came before, or a loaded gun pointed straight at one's own foot. And in the process, they end up undermining the impact of their own strongest moments. 

I don't like the Epilogues. Their lukewarm indecisiveness makes for a poor reading experience that needs far more asides, warnings and 'before you read it-'s than the book is worth. It is a text with a particularly distasteful, juvenile fixation in the show and repeated humiliation of sexual abuse victims, and manages to be more regressive about its female characters and what roles they're allowed to play than Homestuck, the 2009 Comic, ever was. And that was disappointing. It's as if the coming of adulthood must sort them into one of two categories: "wanted, desirable" woman or "unwanted, undesirable" woman. It also interacts with trans women in a really shitty way. It is a text married to traditional white-centric politics that makes an attempt to challenge them from that same perspective but falls flat on its face by pulling big moves like "making the alien-Hitler analogue character fight for a rebellion meant to represent racial liberation" and other unsavory choices. But I don't need to like the Epilogues to acknowledge them as both a text that exists and works within a shared universe. 

They're pretty fertile ground for dissection and analysis. I think it's interesting how they accentuate some of the worst facets of the HS "canon"/"lore" by being incredibly blatant about their connection to stuff like the Skaianet archives, how they play with Fanservice and Fan Expectation by dedicating so much time to solving or sinking ‘The Davekat Equation’, and how they elaborate on complex facets of old characters. It's a text that acknowledges the existence of fanfiction and popular fanworks on a direct quotable basis (like "Can't sleep without holding onto a motherfucker" of 4Chords fame) as well as Fan Movements that preceded it (the also Gamzee-based "Free the clown!" Rush from 2016) it's intrinsically interactive, and that's not something you can say about a lot of media. The olive branch beckons.

I don't recommend the Epilogues. To me, the Epilogues portray glimpses of two potential, but not absolute, futures soaked in limiting metadoomer pessimism, best appreciated as "what-if" tales taking on the questions of serialization, post-myth, the self-cannibalistic nature of franchises, the abstractness of Canon, the absurdity of fanon, and why fascists like milk. The Epilogues are also not going to magically disappear or un-exist from our collective recollection anytime soon, or… ever. These statements coexist. 

I think complex feelings towards media are best put to use in the making of your own art, which is unsurprising, given the fact I'm an artist and a fag, & I've personally enjoyed creating things that interact and rebuke aspects of that text. I've also been graced with the existence of wonderful art from others doing the same, may that be in the form of illustrations, written epics, analyses, comics, videos, songs, the collective transgendering of the series' main character, and all sorts of harder-to-categorize community creations. You can make the best of it. That's my favorite part of the whole ordeal, and one I don't regret one bit. 

I hope this is an appropriately satisfying answer on this subject, and if it isn't, well, here's the thing; you can write a better one.

[piteouspeculiarity]

Defining Home: Extended Author's Note

Warning: This might contain spoilers for the series

(For clarity, when I say 'Tommy' etc in this post, I'm talking about the characters from my fics, not the content creators themselves.)

So it's done, huh? This note will include the sappy shit, the fun facts, then some of the more serious stuff, because I just didn't want to add an essay to the end of that chapter.

First of all, thank you all for the support along the way. Defining Home is easily my most popular series of fics I’ve ever written and I’ve been writing fanfic for years now. The comments and the kudos and the bookmarks were so very validating when I was new to the fandom, and still are. Hell, people have gifted me fics and written related fics to Defining Home, which blows my tiny mind. I haven’t gotten the chance to read a lot of them yet (procrastination I know thy name), but when I do, I’ll be leaving my best comments in thanks <3

I'll be honest, when I posted the first chapter of Enough, I never expected it to turn into what it did.

That first chapter was written in my phone notes at 3am, hours before an exam. I hadn't interacted with the fandom at all at that point, didn't even have a Tumblr for it, but boy oh boy did I get a warm welcome.

The point is, that first chapter was a very spur in the moment thing, mainly consisting of one scene I couldn't get out of my head (Tommy on a train to Wilbur's). I've gotten a few people telling me since then that they wished that they could write as well as I can, which is a huge compliment, but every person can write a fic like Enough. There are things that we all struggle with when it comes to writing: dialogue, prose, starting scenes - I have my own things I struggle with, things you might have noticed, things you might have not. You don't have to be a perfect writer to tell a story, especially in fandoms, where betas are easy to come across.

Write your story, even if its just for yourself. Posting that chapter gave me the chance to make new friends and I'll never stop being grateful for that.

One of those friends is Kat, who I've mentioned a couple times in the author's notes, but who honestly, I owe a lot to. Kat has encouraged me and been one of the main motivators to write this fic when I felt like it would never be finished, or that I'd never live up to other people's expectations. Sometimes, that meant motivating in some weird ass ways, but hey, it worked.

People who know me in discord servers might know that I'm a simp for Kat and it's damn true. Kat, I love you, you've improved my life more than you know in the last couple months and you deserve so, so much happiness.

In fear of love reciprocation from Kat, we'll move swiftly on to the more fun side of things.

Anyone feel like fun facts? You might already know some of these because I tend to overshare in author's notes, but I'm pretty sure some of them are new to all of you.

Barney the dog? Named after my own late labrador, who I love very much and loved to jump in lakes and need rescuing, time and time again.

I had no plans in moving Tommy in with Techno, hell, I had no plans in Techno moving to England at all. It was as much of a surprise to me as it was to everyone else when he told Tommy the news, but I latched onto the idea and ran with it. I think it worked out okay, in the end.

Techno has a draw in his bedroom full of parenting books, most of which were stolen from Phil.

After Tommy asked for help about what to do with Dream, Wilbur sent Dream a dm telling him he better not fuck anything up and if he did, Wilbur would not hesitate to humiliate him in front of millions of people. It was unnecessary, of course, but Dream was definitely a bit more cautious about what he said when he listened to Tommy’s explanation.

Some of my favourite things about writing Defining Home:

The Tesco v Asda discourse. Look, some of you just need to accept that Asda is the superior shop and get off your Tesco stanning bullshit. /j

The offers I would get for new chapters, some honourable mentions being newborns, siblings, diamonds and kidneys.

Now, I know that as much as I tried to, I won't have managed to include everything that everyone wanted from Defining Home, whether that's certain confrontations or scenes, I am sorry if I haven't included.

I don't imagine myself writing any more in the series, not because I think there isn't more I could write about, but because as a whole it feels complete to me, and any added oneshots I write would disturb that.

Right now Defining Home feels well rounded in a way that I'm proud of. The minute I realised that Enough was going to turn into a series I planned out how I wanted it to work. Maybe its just the maths part of my brain, but I like how there's three fics, with three chapters in each and how Tommy heals as you progress throughout the series.

My aim for the series was for the tone to get lighter as you went through, because yes, things kept happening (confrontation with dad, beach incident etc) but the point was that Tommy dealt with those things in different ways that he would have earlier on in the series. I have lots of thoughts and lots of emotions about how he felt safe enough with his family to experience nightmares and such. I made an effort in The Truth Behind Family to include more fluff, especially in the last two chapters, because I think it’s important to show that yeah, his parents’ abuse effected him, but it didn’t dictate how he lived his life. 

Like yes, I could write about their first Christmas together, for example, and add it onto the series, but I don’t think that I’d be able to do the rest of the series justice in that. Defining Home is largely about what the title implies, Tommy discovering what words like ‘home’ and ‘family’ mean beyond what he’s been told he’s stuck with and I believe that by the end of the series, he’s been successful in that. 

I'm so proud of the characters I wrote, Tommy in particular, for how far they've come in Defining Home, but I think that in a way, it’s time for me to let them go.

That’s not to say I’m done with writing for sbi! Hell no! 

I have a couple long fics in the works and a one shot I’m working on. The main fic I’m excited to focus on now Defining Home is finished is heavy heart, heavy head, heavy hero which, to put it simply, is an sbi royalty au, where unfortunate circumstances mean Tommy is forced to become King. It’s going to be a little more plot focused than Defining Home was and I am so very pumped to give it my full attention instead of leaving that lonely one chapter on AO3 like I have been doing.

I was 🤏close to making a Discord server, but ultimately decided I’m much more suited to causing chaos on other people’s servers than running my own. I think at this point the karma would be too great to even consider making my own server, so if you’d like to talk to me on Discord, keep an eye for me on other people’s servers - I mainly lurk, but I’m pretty active on one or two :D

On a more serious note, Defining Home deals with some heavy topics and I’ve had comments tell me that they relate to Tommy’s situation and wish that they had their own found family to run to. 

This Tumblr post has a list of phone numbers and places you can contact if you need help or want someone to talk to. Saying that, I recognise that a list as long as that can be daunting, so feel free to shoot me a message and I can either help you find the right one for you, or keep you company for a bit if you need it. 

Not all of us are lucky enough to have our own found family, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t forever, or that you’re alone. My dms and ask box are always open if you want someone to talk to.

Keep yourselves safe <3

- Lee 

[sparxwrites]

Hey anons yall are cowards /j /lh but anyway having a thing for tummies is so funny because its like- so not taboo yet you just cant help but get all nervous about it and I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE like help??? Like I can walk in and admit I'm a total monster fucker yet going 'owo' at tummies is the line. I am dying for an explination for why this happens, especially after hearing you're the same!!

i think there's probably a lot of factors tbh.

monsterfucking is a lot more common than tummy-related stuff, which makes it more socially acceptable (within the specific environment of fandom/tumblr). society worships thinness and demonises fatness/bigger tummies, which makes enjoying it feel deeply shameful (versus monsterfucking, which is just... not really on the radar of primary social messages we're exposed to tbh). fat people/pregnant women actually exist, and therefore it's a more uncomfy line to tread re: fetishisation (as opposed to, say, werewolves, who do not exist and therefore don't care how much you only like them for their dicks). there's the potential for uncomfortable interaction with health-related stuff about obesity, or eating disorders, which Also means treading an awkward line. and if you go looking for tummy content, there's a higher proportion of unpleasant stuff (nasty/cruel humiliation, fatphobia or adjacent stuff, stuff that borders on romanticising abuse) than you tend to find with monsterfucking (though i'm sure you can find plenty there too), which means a lot of people's first thoughts on hearing you like tummies are equally unpleasant.

the above stuff re: interactions with highly-charged irl "issues" are also probably why it's such a powerful squick for a lot of people, which again i think contributes to the sense of shame by ppl who enjoy it. especially if it's food- or weight-oriented - rather than, say, inflation or oviposition - those are powerfully emotive topics, and also areas many people will have their own challenges, personal struggles, difficult thoughts around in one direction or another.

i also think it's just a lot more non-intuitive than monsterfucking, which makes it kind of embarrassing and awkward maybe? like, maybe a non-monsterfucker doesn't Quite get "werewolf hot", but they can draw an intuitive line between that thought and the fact said werewolf has an enormous dick. it's really difficult - even as someone who likes this stuff! - to draw any line from "tummy big" to anything that resembles a conventional object of arousal. it's a fetish in the true sense of the word: deriving arousal from something unconnected to genitalia.

[namaikiii]

Twst Ch 5 Thoughts

[Testing out to see if Tumblr eats this one]

I have a problem with Rook: He speaks French. Rook, where did you learn French? Is there a France in Twisted Wonderland? How is French cuisine a commonly known thing in Pomefiore? And if so, where is this France? How can there be a place that speaks French or a Japan for Lilia to learn about natto if Crowley has never heard of our world in his 100 year career? How does this world work???? or maybe the problem lies with us/Yuu

Random Spacefiller Before the Cut: Leona living up to the phrase “cats hate collars”

Rest is under the cut to avoid spoilers (also it’s lengthy):

[Spoiler 5-10] Jamil: Kalim, it’s fine if you don’t (clean gym with ADeuce)……This line really stuck out to me because although we’ve seen Jamil be concerned over Kalim before, it’s the first time he’s showing signs of caring AFTER their incident in Ch 4 (AKA new relationship standing is: we are not friends) and it also invokes a different attitude.

Part of it is still probably out of habit, old-Jamil would say a master shouldn’t be doing the work of a servant. Another part I feel like is guilt. Having Kalim follow his orders (even though it wasn’t directed at him) might’ve triggered Jamil to how he treated Kalim in Ch 4. And his discomfort shows that he’s reflected on his actions and knows he was in the wrong. Grim comments the change in Jamil is extreme (duh Grim, his quick turnaround is thanks to his maturity, unlike some Overblotters…). The thing with Jamil is his growth will never by shown explicitly due to his nature, but the small snippets of focus on him give enough to read between the lines.

And throughout Ch 5 we see Jamil still keeping an eye on Kalim from afar, and his expressions are pensive. Kalim is showing signs of putting himself as an equal with Jamil by doing the same tasks as him and learning to put in effort at improving himself so that he may compete with Jamil on equal footings. And Jamil has to fight back old habits of giving in his victories to/coddling Kalim (thereby enabling his ignorant helplessness) and learn to let Kalim (and himself) go through the process so that they can both mature as their own person. And I think this growth between them will develop further in this chapter. Also I high key love Kalim’s reasoning for picking his favorite story. The boy believes in 2nd chances and redemption arcs.

It’s a bit of a pity that Jamil’s frustration was directed towards Kalim instead of the social system of the Land of Hot Sands itself, because he clearly is grappling with himself on his opinion of Kalim (yesss Jamil, be friends. He’s a good guy and you know it). But then again, he’s a teenage boy so it’s understandable that he’s unable to see past the oppression in his immediate space to see the issue in light of the big political picture of it all. And it seems that our overblotters suffering from twisted oppression(s) of this world outside of their control seems to be a common theme.

[Spoiler 5-21] So at this rate, we’ve technically had a sleepover with Savanaclaw, and Octavinelle, and now with Heartslabyul/Scarabia/Pomefiore. Will we get to finish the set with Ignihyde and Diasomnia? Will Malleus finally get invited to something???

Thoughts on Vil so Far: Coincidentally, while playing through Ch5, I came across an article talking about how ultra-Independence is a trauma response and while reading it, a lot of it resonated with Vil from what we’ve observed of him so far. From what I gleaned, characteristics of ultra-independence is:

A survival mechanism stemming from a past trauma (neglect/abuse/bullying/grief/etc.)

Tend to be the rulers of the household (They run the show)

Take on all the responsibilities/decisions because they don’t trust others to make the correct decisions (micromanage)

Results in too much responsibility on one person –> Become overwhelmed/unable to cope with the pressure

Asking for help/Admitting they are not coping is terrifying

Tend to take on codependent relationships (allows them to fix others which gives them a sense of security/control rather than a person who tries to help them)

And in the same order, I’ll relate the observations and how it pertains to Vil:

He holds bitterness to his past/hometown for whatever he experienced there (humiliation?) and is disillusioned by the concept that hard work will bring good results (the falsity of which he is currently experiencing due to, despite all his efforts, Neige is still “#1″). In Deuce’s SR Lab Coat story and other instances, he always scolds those who ask for help without putting in their own effort first.

Uh…..Dorm lead. Fairy Gala/His movie club projects/This training camp also show how much he invests in directing to make sure everything is as perfect as can be

Same as above, the strictness of his lessons in Fairy Gala, the nitpickiness of the smoke color in his Lab Coat Story, his critiques during lessons as well as managing everyone’s diet and skincare

We’re seeing him slowly slip and act out of character like standing blankly in the middle of the hall (every time that ink blot drips yo). Also I could add in the way his severity towards Epel is becoming more and more unreasonable and more of living a projection of his own desires through someone else (tiger mom anyone?)

Rook knows what’s up. Despite others seeing Vil as a very strong and confident personality, Rook’s description of him suggests something fragile and needs to be looked after. More so especially if the person in distress is unable to ask for help himself

His interaction with Azul in Azul’s SR Ceremony Robe story and Jade in Jade’s SSR story shows he is another one of those who hates being indebted to others. He will not be a charity case. His general relationship with Rook is also very quid pro quo. And the whole nosiness of him constantly getting involved in improving others to reach their full potential (he wanted to continue Fairy Gala boys’s modeling career even when it was unnecessary).

Rook mentions how he and Vil are excited for the first years to break out of their shells and show their true beauty and tbh I hope that means one step closer to finding their Unique Magic. Let it happen dang it! Also, when Vil OBs, I see Rook reacting in 1 of 2 ways: him with his beauty optimism will still find OB Queen as Beauté! in its own way OR  he’ll call it out that Vil has strayed from his true beauty (AKA: for once, you no beauté!). But he’ll help get his Roi de Poison come back to his senses and back on track. Yah I’m leaning towards option 2.

Yeah that was an essay but I’m loving Ch 5 so far because! MORE SCARABIA BOYS SCREENTIME AND DEVELOPMENT. and also lots more info on Twst lore. Thanks for reading!!!!!

[a-green-onion]

The He*archate vs Umberto Eco’s “Ur-Fascism”

ok it looks like I haven’t already done this, so! A lot of fictional Evil Empires use the visuals of fascism (iirc the Star Wars original trilogy did this), but not all of them follow through on making the Empire substantially fascist in ideology and practice. Machineries of Empire certainly has fascist visual components, with its regiments of black-shirted soldiers. Umberto Eco, a writer who grew up in Italy under Mussolini, wrote an essay about growing up under that regime and his ideas about key features of fascist and fascist-like movements (I’ll link it in a reblog, I don’t want Tumblr eating this post. I really recommend it, it’s very accessible and well-written). I want to see how much the he*archate correlates with these. It’s easy to get caught up in all the flashy space battles and gory exotic tortures, but YHL is very into military history, and that’s one reason his despotic regimes work so well--they’re taken from real life.

This is horribly incomplete because in my reread I’m only about halfway through Ninefox Gambit, but...I wanna Post.

An important note to start: Eco uses “fascism”, the name for Italian political movement, to refer to a variety of different totalitarian regimes and philosophies, because “fascism had no quintessence. Fascism was a fuzzy totalitarianism, a collage of different philosophical and political ideas, a beehive of contradictions.” Further, “Fascism became an all-purpose term because one can eliminate from a fascist regime one or more features, and it will still be recognizable as fascist.” Thus, the common characteristics he lists are not features of every fascist movement, and are often features of non-fascist repressive movements. The he*archate does not have all these features, but I think it makes sense to analyze it as a fascist empire.

Without further ado:

1. The cult of tradition, including syncretic occultism. “As a consequence, there can be no advancement of learning. Truth has been already spelled out once and for all, and we can only keep interpreting its obscure message” (Eco).

The he*archate does not do this. As I pointed out in an earlier post, there are no foundational religious beliefs behind the High Calendar. No holy texts, no prophets, just a way of life, a set of practices, and endless heresies.

2. Rejection of modernism. “Even though Nazism was proud of its industrial achievements, its praise of modernism was only the surface of an ideology based upon Blood and Earth (Blut und Boden)” (Eco).

I don’t think the he*archate does this? I might be forgetting something though, feel free to chime in.

3. Action for action’s sake. (Eco)

Kel Kel Kel Kel Kel.

4. Inability to tolerate analysis. “Disagreement is treason.” (Eco)

Yeah that’s precisely how the High Calendar functions.

5. “Ur-Fascism grows up and seeks for consensus by exploiting and exacerbating the natural fear of difference. The first appeal of a fascist or prematurely fascist movement is an appeal against the intruders.”

So, we don’t get to see much of the heptarchate in its earliest forms, and what we do see is in the third book, which I don’t remember super well. I think the he*archate does this, but it’s more obvious how in the context of Eco’s points 5 and 9.

6. “Derives from individual or social frustration” and features an “appeal to a frustrated middle class.”

Again, this talks more about how fascism begins than how it continues. The he*archate is an established, stable totalitarian empire, not a burgeoning movement (which is interesting because by rights this house of cards should have collapsed centuries ago). It would be interesting to look at how the hexarchate uses propaganda but uhhh iirc that’s mostly in the second and third books and I don’t remember them that well.

7. Nationalism, and the obsession with a plot, both as an outside and an inside threat. 

Reflected in how the heretics (an inside plot) are iirc assumed to be aligned with the Hafn (an outside threat). See also point 9.

8. “The followers must feel humiliated by the ostentatious wealth and force of their enemies. [...] However, the followers must be convinced that they can overwhelm the enemies. Thus, by a continuous shifting of rhetorical focus, the enemies are at the same time too strong and too weak. Fascist governments are condemned to lose wars because they are constitutionally incapable of objectively evaluating the force of the enemy.”

...I think the he*archate might win too many wars for this to be applicable?

9. “Pacifism is trafficking with the enemy [...] life is permanent warfare. This, however, brings about an Armageddon complex. Since enemies have to be defeated, there must be a final battle, after which the movement will have control of the world. But such a “final solution” implies a further era of peace, a Golden Age, which contradicts the principle of permanent war. No fascist leader has ever succeeded in solving this predicament.”

The he*archate absolutely does live in a state of permanent war, against heresy which is everywhere. The he*archate seems to have solved this predicament by achieving a placid, high standard of living for the majority of its citizenry, contingent upon those citizens’ complicity in the ritual torture of prisoners of this “war.” Thus, every citizen is both invested and involved in the fighting and encouraged to identify with its sacrifices, but also able to live in a true golden age. I’ve always thought about this aspect of the he*archate as in conversation with Ursula K. LeGuin’s short story “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas,” but that’s an essay for another day.

10. Contempt for the weak and popular elitism. “Every citizen belongs to the best people of the world, the members of the party are the best among the citizens, every citizen can (or ought to) become a member of the party. But there cannot be patricians without plebeians. In fact, the Leader, knowing that his power was not delegated to him democratically but was conquered by force, also knows that his force is based upon the weakness of the masses; they are so weak as to need and deserve a ruler. Since the group is hierarchically organized (according to a military model), every subordinate leader despises his own underlings, and each of them despises his inferiors. This reinforces the sense of mass elitism.”

This one isn’t an obvious component, but I think it’s present, especially looking at how the Kel talk about “crashhawks”. I’m going to keep a closer eye out for it as I reread.

Cheris is “un-Kel” because she cannot do this. One of the first things we see Cheris do is order her soldiers into a mildly heretical formation to keep them alive, and we see again and again how well she knows, respects, and cares for the people and servitors under her command. 

On the flip side, Kujen is able to become the system’s architect precisely because he despises his inferiors, and sees everyone as an inferior. As we learn in the third book, this does not come naturally to him, but inducing this state of mind in himself is necessary for his success.

11. “Everybody is educated to become a hero. [...] This cult of heroism is strictly linked with the cult of death. [...] In non-fascist societies, the lay public is told that death is unpleasant but must be faced with dignity; believers are told that it is the painful way to reach a supernatural happiness. By contrast, the Ur-Fascist hero craves heroic death, advertised as the best reward for a heroic life. The Ur-Fascist hero is impatient to die. In his impatience, he more frequently sends other people to death.”

Kel Kel Kel Kel.

12. “Machismo (which implies both disdain for women and intolerance and condemnation of nonstandard sexual habits, from chastity to homosexuality).”

The he*archate absolutely, emphatically does not do this. Plenty of gender equality, plenty of nonstandard sexual behavior. 

But! There is another component to point 12. “Since even sex is a difficult game to play, the Ur-Fascist hero tends to play with weapons—doing so becomes an ersatz phallic exercise.” This might be relevant to the commonness of dueling as a form of entertainment, both as a participant and a spectator sport? I don’t think dueling is particularly eroticized but it’s certainly linked to exchanges of power.

13. Selective populism. “In a democracy, the citizens have individual rights, but the citizens in their entirety have a political impact only from a quantitative point of view—one follows the decisions of the majority. For Ur-Fascism, however, individuals as individuals have no rights, and the People is conceived as a quality, a monolithic entity expressing the Common Will. Since no large quantity of human beings can have a common will, the Leader pretends to be their interpreter. Having lost their power of delegation, citizens do not act; they are only called on to play the role of the People. Thus the People is only a theatrical fiction.”

Not a strong theme in MoE, but arguably, this is how the calendar operates: on the Will of the People, carefully channeled by the appropriate authorities.

Also, not strictly relevant, but everyone needs to see this line: “There is in our future a TV or Internet populism, in which the emotional response of a selected group of citizens can be presented and accepted as the Voice of the People.” Hm.

14. Newspeak. “All the Nazi or Fascist schoolbooks made use of an impoverished vocabulary, and an elementary syntax, in order to limit the instruments for complex and critical reasoning. But we must be ready to identify other kinds of Newspeak, even if they take the apparently innocent form of a popular talk show.”

Again, I’d like to take another look at the propaganda that gets sent out in later books to talk about this properly! The Kel make heavy internal use of euphemisms, but that’s not quite the same thing.

***

Anyway, that was fun, and I hope everyone learned something about how fascism emerges! I encourage you to read the entire essay, chew on its ideas a bit, think about if they apply to other fictional words and to real life.

[flightfoot]

I'm not someone who watches Miraculous Ladybug but why are there so many Marinette/Damian fics? I keep seeing them when I scroll through Timsteph fics.

OH HELL. You know, I’ve been wondering what Batman-only fans must think of the flood of Marinette/Damian. It’s uh. Yeah it doesn’t make a ton of sense. 

See, here’s the thing; there’s a LARGE section of the ML fandom devoted to salt, specifically salt towards one particular episode; Chameleon, where Marinette - the main character - has her seat reassigned during class so she has to sit at the back away from all her friends in order to make way for a returning student who *claims* she has a hearing disability so she can sit in the front row. However, said character, Lila, is a notorious liar, as Marinette, Adrien (the deuteragonist and Marinette’s main Love Interest), and the audience know. Adrien actually offers to go sit in the back instead, but Marinette and Lila both shut down that idea and Marinette stews in the back of the classroom for awhile. 

Then at lunch, Lila tells more stories of her fabulous life and gets people to bring a tray of food for her since she claims she hurt her wrist. Marinette tries to tell two of her other friends that Lila’s a liar and a fake, but can’t actually produce any evidence to prove it, so she throws a napkin at Lila to try to prove she’s faking her injury... which Lila then catches, but pretends to have hurt her arm. Her other classmates scold her for throwing a napkin at Lila and causing her to hurt herself, Marinette storms off, and Lila corners her in the bathroom and threatens to turn all her friends against her and stop her from ever getting close to Adrien unless she sides with her.

Adrien actually catches up with Lila soon after that and asks her to please stop lying, that she doesn’t need to do that and she’ll only turn their classmates against her, and offers to help listen if something’s bothering her. He doesn’t  realize that Lila’s targeting Marinette, or that she’s actively malicious in general, just thinking that she’s lonely and is lying to try and make friends.

Lila brushes him off and purposely seeks out an akuma to get herself akumatized, turns into a villain, tries to defeat Ladybug and Chat Noir, the usual jazz.

Anyway, at the end after defeating her, when Marinette’s about to try to publicly call Lila out for switching up which ear Lila has Tinnitus in, Adrien asks her whether she thinks exposing her will actually help anything, and that humiliating her will make her hurt more, and making a bad guy suffer has never turned them into a good guy.

So Marinette decides not to do that, and when they go back to the classroom, Adrien goes to the back and sits next to Marinette of his own accord. Then the whole class decides that they liked the old seating arrangement better, and everyone goes back to their old seats and Lila’s left sitting by herself in the back (she’d claimed her tinnitus magically got better, so she didn’t need to sit in the front anymore.)

Salters took that episode and RAN with it, writing fic after fic of epic revenge fantasies that WAY ramped up how bad any of the characters could POSSIBLY be, making the class force her to do commission after commission for them for free, never showing her proper appreciation for all she does for them, and when Lila shows up and starts manipulating people, have the class scorn and shun Marinette for being an awful person, rip up her stuff, and beat her up, often with her (former) best friend Alya leading the charge, and Adrien just standing and the background telling her to take it.

A lot of people writing these hate Adrien’s guts, having decided that he’s a sexual harasser/assaulter/potential rapist, and wanted to ship her with other people - her second canon Love Interest, Luka, and the scrapped first draft for her partner from the original concept for ML, Felix, at the top of the list.

Felix, notably, was generally perceived as being cold, aloof, and no-nonsense, but with a heart of gold. So he was sometimes used to inflict punishment on everyone the salters hated, plus Marinette could be one of the few people to slip past his cold exterior and become someone he cared for.

Then Felix was gonna be made canon. And someone new was needed to fill that role. 

One tumblr user wrote a story where the polite, yet aloof, young man Damien hears a girl screaming in trouble, sees Marinette in Gotham, and instantly falls in love with his Angel, and she ends up staying in Gotham instead of with all the horrible, horrible Everyone Else In Her Life.

Yeah, Damian wasn’t remotely in-character in those early fics at least. His name was often misspelled with an “e”, actually. 

But anyway. A few advantages to this; Damian can be made to be super sweet and a perfect gentleman around Marinette, who can instantly see all the worth that everyone else in her life threw away, and as a bonus, can reap revenge on her classmates who tried to beat her up/destroy her notebook/poison her/whatever the fic writer came up with, since Damian might feasibly be willing to inflict cruel punishment on them (not that being in-character has ever been valued much in these fics), plus Marinette gets the entire Batfamily to dote on her and be her new family and be totally removed from everyone the author doesn’t like, which tends to be most of the ML cast. Except for her canonical bully who made her life miserable both before and during the actual series, Chloe; she’ll often become Marinette’s new best friend. Though I don’t think that’s as common with the crossover.

It mixed up the Chameleon salt formula, which I think even the salters had gotten a little tired of (though it’s still going strong), and gave possibilities for a lot more different character interactions, and just generally breathed new life into it.

At this point it’s kinda become its own thing, and some people are actually stepping away form the salt and bashing that birthed the pairing and just shoving her in with the Batfamily generally, because... honestly I suspect there’s some wish fulfillment going on there. And people seem to have a slightly better idea of how the Batfamily works now? Maybe? From what I’ve seen, I think people may have at least STARTED doing some research.

Anyway, yeah. They’re basically a separate fandom at this point, pretty much just devoted to like. That one episode of ML, the first episode of season 3, that released over a year and a half ago.

But uh. Yeaaaah, don’t judge ML by what you see in those crossover fics. Their relation with canon, especially canon characterization, is tenuous at best.

As you might be able to tell, I don’t ship it. I also hate the OOCness, but actually like the potential for the crossover, and wrote my own ML X Batman crossover fic, “We’re The Same”, that was sticking with the canon ships, characterization, and overall just dropping the two franchises into each other in a more canon compliant way to see what would shake out. Especially since dammit, ADRIEN AND DAMIAN WOULD BE FRIENDS. 

[obeymematches]

Hi there, I saw your tumblr and thought it is really cool ! So I wanted to know if I can request a matchup ? 😳👉🏽👈🏽

My name means the laughter in spanish but I’m not very good at making jokes even though I love to laugh and I take pride in putting a smile on people faces. I try to live up to my name haha. People always think I’m intimidating at first because I have been cursed with “resting bitch face”. But really I’m kind at heart and very empathetic. I can cry at movies, I’m always here if someone needs to vent, I feel bad if I see someone or an animal suffering and I hate injustice. When meeting new people I’m a little observant at first because I need to feel with whom I can feel the most comfortable. Im an introvert leo thus I suck at communication, I’m a bit sarcastic and sometimes I roast people unintentionally. I don’t know why I have a hard time saying ’ I love you ’ even with my family. I’m not a physical person either, the only person I let touch me is my partner or my pets. I show my love through actions and support, my love language is quality time. I become a bit silly around my loved ones and I loooove to prank them. I have siblings and I’m the oldest, I have always been the mediator when it comes to resolve fights between them. I never considered myself clever and I lack self esteem because of this, but when I’m doing a job, I need to do it right and I work hard so I can feel the satisfaction of my boss or clients, I’m not scared of responsibilities.

On my own, I have a world to myself, I love fantasy, mystery and horror stuffs, my space needs to be cozy at all times. I’m sensitive to loud noises so I like it when its silent, at best I can tolerate music like classic, lofi, or ost from movies/video games. I love digital painting, and clean/organized stuffs. I love beautiful things, and learning about animals, humans and its psychology. I love taking care of myself, like I’m always searching for the best skin/hair products and I need to look good everytime I go outside haha.

When in relationship I need someone with a lot of patience, I’m slow to open up. And when something troubles me I tend to go silent. I don’t want to ruin the good mood so I keep my struggles to myself. I do not tolerate humiliation, or disrespect, it’s a huge turn off. I’m usually calm and would hate to “go crazy” at them. As an introvert I need my alone time so I need my partner to be understanding about this. When completely in love I tend to put my partner on a pedestal and take pride on showing them off. Also expects lots of gifts and surprises, bc nothing is ever good enough for my partner.

Thank you for reading this far 🥺

———

hiiii! sorry for my late answer! 

okay so i’ve had a few of the brothers on my mind so it was not an easy decision. i think you’d be a very nice match for Satan, Belphie and possibly Lucifer too. But Simeon would also be a decent option! (like you’re into digital painting and he’s the opposite of digital so that’d be a fun learning experience)

OK after reading your request over a couple of times i decided that you and Lucifer would totally work out!

Okay so you making people smile without shame is something that catches the attention of the 3 demons I mentioned (2 of them is good at observing and Belphie hardly ever smiles so once you get him to he’s in)

You say you have a rbf but later you mention that you like to be pretty and Lucifer definitely appreciates that in a partner. I mean someitmes you go to places where you just gotta dress nicely and neat. 

He also appreciates someone with a soft side like you as that balances things out a bit, but also because he has some soft spots as well - you being a new one!

I don’ think he would open up to anyone easily, so quite some time would pass before he actually vents to you but he makes sure to make it up to you! 

Well I think Lucifer is good at communicating so regarding that he would probably help you learn a bit as communication is supper important in a relationship. 

Later you mention that you are responsible just like him and honestly he deeply appreciates that you are not someone to cause much trouble. 

However! We all know how he likes troublemakers like Mammon, so the fact that you prank him and/or his brothers just makes him grow even fonder of you! (i think Belphie would be quick to join in as a pranking sidekick)

You also mention how you have the skills to end fights and in the HOL that’s super important for survival without losing your mind. I think you’d do a great job at fixing the bonds between Belphie and him, or maybe even Satan and him! (i mean not fixing it instead of them, but like... they could get on the healthier path thanks to you! character development) 

I think he likes touching, even if his brothers are around - in fact maybe especially when they are around, so it’s nice that you’re OK with your partner being touchy. However you being there for him and running errands for him to show your love is just perfect. Quality time is also something you have in common, as I mentioned earlier expect to go to quite fancy places relatively often. Or just spending time in his room, i mean he wants alone time with you from time to time is there something wrong with that- 

You working hard is also something he values a lot! and if you have similar values thats a good start. 

I think you lack of self esteem would be risky if you were on his bad side  but that’s not happening. Lucifer is definitely strong and capable of lifting you up a bit, I mean you are literally dating him and he knows how to recognize someone smart so really you’d have no choice but to gain some more self esteem! (not because you are dating him because it’s not healthy to have self esteem only because of your partner, but I meant it in a way that he lowkey guides you to actually start believing in yourself. ) 

Hmm so you liking cozy places is nice because that skeleton in his room has no business staying there like wtf-

You two have similar likes when it comes to music so thats also good. So when you two are recharging there’s never going to be any arguments about that. I think he is open to lsiten to whatever music his partner likes but tbh if you like very similar stuff as him that just can’t go wrong, right?

In case he does something you don’t like you’ll absolutely have to tell him though! He will notice when you aren’t feeling yourself and it’s better to confront him about it than wait for him to bring this up. 

It’s also nice that you have your standards high like that especially when it comes to your partner as he is a demon with high standards! though he appreciates literally anything you give him, this man is just so in love. 

So this relationship includes two responsible adults and he helps you develop better communication skills & self esteem! the two of you can rely on the other at all times emotianlly and responsibility-wise as well. (though he might have a bit hard time to actually ask you for help, but once you get to know him and his capability. You’d help his relation with above mentioned brothers and him being family oriented he’d really love that and would never forget about how much he owes you for that. 

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

ok well i originally drafted this while thinking about this post, but it’s relevant to what i wanted to say about (my tags on) this one too so i’ll just post it now, how ‘bout that.

i mean, Getting Used to It (and thus expanding your definition of “i’m fine”) isn’t always as dramatic as your brain completely turning off its pain response to an event, so that you don’t realize you’ve injured yourself until some other clue tips you off. that’s certainly happened to me? (and w/ smaller injuries it happens to healthy people too, as when you cut yourself on paper without noticing, and it doesn’t start to hurt until you see it bleed.) but the more everyday/pedestrian forms of this phenomenon are, like. that the level of pain i rated as an 8 in 2016 now reads to me as, like, 5. and that when you’re depressed (or at least when i am), pain goes up but interest in that pain goes down, because of depression’s tendency to normalize negative stimuli.

i think these are two manifestations of the same thing: your brain removes fear from the equation, and since fear makes pain more intense, most pain experienced in fear’s absence seems like no big deal. and that goes double for painful stimuli you once associated with fear but no longer do? in a sorta feedback-loopy way. or at least it does for me. less fear-->less pain-->even less fear the next time something similar happens.

if i sit in nearly any given position too long, one or more of the joints in my legs will sometimes... well, i think subluxate is technically the right word?* but it’s not like a sudden pop: it’s like, as the muscles around them relax my joints slowly slide out of place. as you can imagine (given the low bar required to achieve it), this happens A Lot; i don’t keep track, but probably once a day on average? i know it’s not every day, but also that some days it happens many times, and that both these latter and the days when it doesn’t happen at all often strike me as a change from the norm. so, yeah, probably a mean of once per day. but until sometime in 2019, it used to freak me out—a lot—every time.

it’s often one of those above-mentioned doesn’t hurt until you notice for other reasons scenarios, too, like the paper cut. so i’d be like innocently sitting there, then look down or attempt to adjust position and suddenly OH GOD MY LEG(S). and every time it happened i’d think, “oh god, is this the time i really and truly get stuck and have to be scooped out of this position on a stretcher. fuck, please, no, that would be so humiliating, there’s no way the paramedics would believe me, strangers must not see me like this,” &c., and the more determined i got to prove to myself that i could move, that i wasn’t stuck, that i could get myself out of this, the more horrifically painful these attempts became—partly because fear of pain leads to greater pain, and partly because when you’re panicky you don’t tend to move with much patience or care.

but, of course, every time i would eventually get out of it. it’s hard to say how long it took, because, again, i never timed it, and also because time does weird shit when you’re freaking out. (plus i have adhd, so my estimates of how long things take aren’t the greatest to begin with.) i want to say though that the longest i ever took unpretzeling myself in this way was an hour and a half—and i usually took way less time than that. (it’s hard also to estimate because these days exceeding ten minutes marks an especially long battle of this kind.) iirc, the ~90-minute incident was like, my right hip already felt not quite right, and someone on the internet recommended W-sitting as a way to reduce a subluxed hip, and i tried it because i either didn’t know at that time or had forgotten that when i W-sit for more than a few seconds i often misplace several toes, up to two joints per knee, maybe an ankle, and/or at least one hip. some of these will reduce themselves automatically as soon as i move; others i can only move passively until after i’ve reduced them. so like, that endeavor was a fucking jigsaw puzzle, and good luck figuring those out when a. every wrong move doubles the pain and panic you’re in, but b. leaving the puzzle unfinished is also agonizing. most of the time it was not that bad.

…what was my point? oh yeah: this sat-wrong-now-my-leg’s-stuck business still happens a lot, and it’s n o t like sitting on a pen, where your brain eventually gives up on signaling your discomfort.** nor like when you’re running on adrenaline and your brain doesn’t bother to tell you you’re hungry. nor like what tumblr user bibliosphere described, where her brain evidently just… prioritized other tasks over the “hey please fix this leg” alarm that pain would have signified. but incidents like this do, literally, hurt less the tenth time they happen than they do the first time, and it’s not because your body Toughens Up or whatever either (that only works w/ exercise-related muscle pain); it’s because your brain learns that this event does not pose imminent danger. a subluxation you know how to reduce will hurt less than one you don’t.

that’s what the “i’m always subluxing” version of the hulk meme means. most chronically ill people describe this whole phenomenon as more like the argument from “shot in the knee theory.” as like, you stop screaming because you learn screaming doesn’t help. and i mean… yeah? but ime it’s more that you stop screaming*** when you learn what does help. the OP in that post asks rhetorically,

Are you going to scream and cry the entire time, or are you going to come to grips with reality and accept the fact that freaking out isn’t going to make the ambulance come any faster?

and jesus christ, OP, are you kidding? in real life? definitely the first one! if you literally got shot in the knee, you wouldn’t just scream because it hurt—you would scream also because holy shit, am i gonna die of blood loss? why did they shoot me? are they going to shoot me again??? and pain you’ve had for years, or an injury you’ve sustained many times before, is nothing like that. if it scares you at all, the content of your fear is more like, oh, crap. what’s this gonna feel like tomorrow. will i have to cancel my plans again?

*n.b. i’ve never had this confirmed by a doctor. i just assume that’s what’s happening because 1. the sensations’ non-pain components are very similar to what the subluxations i have had confirmed feel like; 2. if it’s a joint i can see from my position (e.g., the ankle pressed against the floor when criss-cross-applesauced), it usually looks a little fucked up; and 3. it behaves quite differently from regular stiffness, joints in this scenario feeling not so much too tight to move properly as like i keep aiming for and missing the lever that moves them. (and each failed attempt HURTS like my soft tissues are pumpkin guts and my bones are knives trying to scoop them out.)

**i’ve never actually tried this experiment, though, and i’ve heard it doesn’t work on some autistic people. hopefully this goes without saying lmao but my sensory perceptions are Weird in General, so, any hypotheses i build upon them should be salted liberally

***well, whimpering, anyway. for me at least, if i literally scream at an injury it’s not from the pain, it’s from the surprise. i’m more likely to scream when i stub my toe than when i try to bite and my jaw crunches sideways, because the latter is a possibility i sign up for every time i put food in my mouth, whereas like. ob…viously you wouldn’t have stubbed your toe if you’d already known the object you accidentally kicked was there. (except i guess in movies when people kick objects to express rage, forgetting that this will hurt them. in that case i suppose they scream partly from surprise and partly because negative stimuli encountered in “fight” mode reinforce preexisting anger. wow i digress lmao sorry.) but reactions like whimpering, clenching your teeth, &c. only partly come from surprise; they’re also stims, i think, tho clearly not ones unique to ND people. the woman who pierced my ears when i was a kid told me to focus on tapping first one foot and then the other, so i wouldn’t shrink away. i think it’s kinda like that: it releases nervous energy, gives you a competing stimulus to focus on.

[feingeister]

How have your thoughts on the outing scene changed?

this is very long, unstructured and rambly, so i doubt anyone will want to read it, but your answer is under the cut.

(triggerwarning up here bc tumblr sucks: discussions of homophobia and transphobia)

i think initially, people hated the outing scene so much because we really, really didn’t expect it and because it was a shitty ending to a shitty episode. watching this show in real time is always a little rougher and a lot more intense and at that point it had been weeks since we last saw a smiling david (i think maybe we even had a counter for that?? lmao). to clarify, i’m not saying that anyone overreacted, but when this fandom is pissed off, it sometimes tends to go all out in ways i don’t necessarily agree with.

so basically, i moved from being angry and disappointed in the outing scene, to still not liking it but also being a little defensive over it, because i think the way some people talk about it is not entirely fair. i’ve seen a lot of people claim that david was outed for shock value and drama, just to get cis and/or straight viewers to sympathize with him. that’s a trope that’s been talked about a lot on this site and it is very rightfully criticized. i think that’s maybe why a lot of people interpreted this scene the way they did.

the whole “make lgbt people suffer in media so straight people will realize that we’re fucked and maybe have some goddamn sympathy” trope exists for a good reason, it did use to be a legitimate cry for help. nowadays, it doesn’t really work anymore because it is overdone and pretty much exclusively targeted at cishet people, when lgbt narratives should be targeted at or at least be watchable for lgbt viewers. i know that some lgbt people feel seen by that kind of content and find comfort in having their suffering reflected back at them, and while i can respect that, the trope obviously does more harm than good. what it does to most lgbt people is that they see how much their life sucks – which they already knew, they’re living it – and the message is that they’re probably gonna die unhappy or lonely or brutally murdered. there is also something very humiliating about constantly begging for other’s sympathy when you’d have every reason to despise them for letting you die by the masses and calling it a divine cleansing or whatever the fuck.  

to get back to the topic at hand – the problem with lgbt narratives in media in my opinion is not that lgbt characters have to suffer through hardships, it is that they are never rewarded for their suffering and they never find happiness, the only one being rewarded is the cishet viewer who gets to feel very kind and empathetic because they cried over one of the gays™ .

(there is also the problem that a lot of these narratives center around suffering when they really don’t have to, but i don’t think you can necessarily blame well written stories with a darker tone for that problem.)

i can’t tell anyone that david wasn’t outed for drama – of course he was, it’s a tv show – and that it wasn’t at least partially targeted at straight/cis people but this experience is a pretty central part to his narrative, he gets to properly deal with it and he ends up very, very happy with his boyfriend and his new friends, not only in the last episode of his season but in all of season four as well.

i’ve talked about david’s story arc a lot already and how i think it’s pretty centered around his (unhealthy) coping mechanism. first, we see david isolate and hide himself away, then we think he’s opening up but he’s only really opening up to matteo because he’s romanticizing the whole “you and me against the world“ thing. when he gets outed we truly realize that he really hasn’t let go of his run&hide approach (which makes it difficult for him to form, maintain and value connections to other people) during a catastrophe, because we see the catastrophe happen and it triggers that response. it retroactively becomes clear to the viewer that even if it seemed like david was doing better (and in a lot of ways he was! i don’t want to trivialize or downplay the fact that he came out to matteo on his own terms), he has some problems that romance can’t solve.

i’m not saying that this couldn’t have happened any other way or that the outing was ~absolutely necessary~, but you all know that i loooove the second pool scene and what it means for davids story. even if i don’t like the outing scene i can acknowledge that it does serve the narrative pretty solidly, which is why i don’t agree with the “only for drama” argument. in his talk with matteo, david finally makes the choice to rely on the support system that he has and it’s his step towards recovery. and it’s – again - a very solid narrative, it’s not “well you went through some shit and survived and now you’re badass”, its “your trauma doesn’t define you and even if you go through some shit, there are people who will love and support you and in loving them back you will find happiness, growth and recovery”.

ultimately, david’s arc doesn’t leave anyone feeling like life sucks and you just have to deal with it, it leaves with the message that even if things do suck, you can survive and be happy. so there, to me, lies the difference between the trope i talked about earlier and this storyline. instead of just showing a trans individual suffering to benefit cis people, this narrative acknowledges the suffering that trans people do face but it gives their character a happy ending, so anyone who might see themselves in david’s struggles, can also see themselves in his happy end, even if the latter is not (yet) a reality for them.

some other things i appreciate: david isn’t outed to us in that scene, his identity isn’t used as shock value, it’s not overly cruel and it’s very clear that outing someone, even if some people sympathize and no one outwardly attacks him, is a horrible and violent experience. but you know… is the bar really low enough for me to praise that?

all that being said, i’m absolutely not telling anyone how to feel, i don’t have the authority to do that and i don’t want to do that either. i really do understand why many people have an issue with this storyline and there are definitely things you can criticize about the scene. even if it was perfectly written, no one should have to justify not liking the scene and/or feeling hurt by it.

looking back, i don’t necessarily think that it doesn’t fit the tone of the show, but at the time we as a fandom didn’t really expect it and when these narratives come out of nowhere, they’re especially hurtful. and the whole thing did seem overdramatic – who filmed that exchange with mr. neuhaus? why are they only posting it now? why are they posting it at all? why did everyone immediately go and look at it and why is this all (in-)conveniently happening just as matteo is about to pick david up from school? and why is episode eight in general so shitty and weird?

aaaand lastly i just want to mention that i do realize how showing characters grow through things that are done to them can be a bit of a problematic narrative, because it could romanticize these experiences and give off a bit of a “you should be happy that you suffered because it made you stronger!! 😊” vibe, which is shitty, because trauma is trauma, no one deserves to go through it and no one should have to go through it just to “grow”. but you know, at least david never thanked anyone for outing him so we at least have that!

 that’s it, you can come for me now.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Magnus loved putting his hair in feminine hairstyles but Camille humiliated him over it so he cut his hair short and styled iy in masculine hairstyles only. It was decades later that Alec accidentally discovered this and encouraged Magnus to style his hair however he wants to

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

finally, my first ask with a magnus/malec headcanon! Im so happy i could die

(warning: this will contain discussions of psychological/emotional abuse and queerphobia, particularly biphobia)

but no really like ok i have a lot of thoughts about this actually. because like in the show theres this one picture of Magnus ragnor and Catarina together in what looks like the 1840s (im mainly going by the type of photograph here, but also clothing, and jesus christ im already putting so much research into this somebody stop me), so that's when im assuming they were together

i only have the pic with this writing over it srry

also magnus is almost definitely wearing a corset in here which is driving me insane

anyway, at that time, it was not unusual for men to have long hair even if mens hair was still commonly shorter than women's hair. it was also during that decade that men's fashion in England started to reject frills and colors and become more boring like we know it today (source is the one about fashion above). so when magnus and camille were together, the idea of a man being "too girly" fashion-wise was pretty much being born in western culture. so that brings.... many layers

i tend to think magnus wouldnt really internalise a lot of the "oh you dress like a girl" stuff because 1- i mean hes so comfortable with it, but more importantly 2- he was alive way before these concepts were even born, and he was raised in at least two non-modern-western cultures (indonesian and whatever the fuck kind of culture demons have) where the concept of gender is/was radically different. so he's bound to have a little easier time not believing shit like "oh wearing x is for girls" because hes known different for a long time.

BUT living in an abusive environment and simultaneously a turning point in how gender performance was viewed is bound to fuck you up, too. so i can see camille using that against him, like "cant you see that times are changing? you're gonna lose all respect if you keep dressing like this". we also know that camilles abusive arguments stem a lot from magnus' immortality and the issues he has with it, so this possibly came into play as well - you can't keep up with the times, you're staying behind, soon you'll be an outsider and people will look down on you because of that. so....... yeah, i think camille could have done a big number on him by using that, and his gender presentation as a whole, to make him feel inadequate. i kind of even think that the makeup and the clothing has a little taste of "fuck you camille" yknow, like, hes gonna be who he is and embrace the fact that he doesnt really fit into the western binary. but you can also see ways in which he holds back - for instance, he only wore colorful makeup when he was depressed because of Valentine and in the finale, when he seemed to look actually comfortable in his own skin, happy, and his makeup and accessories were a little bolder and outside the box. so basically - camille using magnus' gender against him and as a way to manipulate him is entirely plausible, and i believe that part of magnus' development in the post-show years are gonna have to do with that, with wearing what he wears less like an armor and more like a form of expression that he has fun with and that feels entirely his. and i think this can present in a lot of ways, like longer hair, less traditional makeup, different clothes. and obviously alec thinks magnus is always the most beautiful person alive and supports his experiments with gender and expression and no one would even dare get nasty about it because if u even think about snickering in magnus' general direction alec will have a blade on ur throat in .2 seconds. also this is giving me some nice images of magnus with braided hair, so what im trying to say is basically bless this ask really.

also this is a little unrelated but i mean, Ive seen so many bi men in abusive relationships with straight girls its impossible to me to not think his sexuality had a huge part on her abuse, possibly even more so than gender, considering how the whole gendered clothing thing was kind of still being established during that time, whereas "sodomy" was a crime punishable by death in england until the 1960s. and this got me thinking - for Camille to be so adamant on the fact that people leave Magnus and die and that he needed her because he could be assured that she wouldn't die on him, that must have been a nerve at the time. he probably had lost someone close recently and was having trouble dealing with it. that's further supported by the whole "magnus nearly jumped off a bridge and Camille talked him out of it" thing. so what im saying is, what if Magnus had lost a friend, or even a lover, to the capital penalty? like that's... very plausible. at that time there were no accords, so he could go around meeting mundanes and getting involved as he pleased, and Magnus probably wasnt all that shy about his sexuality (again, he was raised in environments where that wasnt looked down on), so its entirely plausible he lost someone important to him who was a part of the community, maybe even felt like it was his fault - maybe they got caught together or something and magnus had to fake his death cuz immortal, or maybe he just feels like he should have done something but it was too late, we know magnus is the kind of guy who wants to Protect Everyone - so he was probably hurting a lot, feeling helpless, having just lost someone for being pretty much the same as him, and he meets this woman who keeps talking about how inadequate he is and how people always leave him and how shes the only one he can count on not needing to protect or worry about because shes also immortal and powerful, and shes kind of a ticket to at least pretending to fit into what that culture thought was right, and he was depressed and isolated and- look, its just entirely plausible that his sexuality played a huge part in both making him vulnerable to camilles abuse and giving her ways to hurt him and twist the knife. i kind of plan on exploring that if i ever get around to writing that fic about magnus and his sexuality throughout his life so uh stay tuned i guess

anyway im sorry if that was rambly or incoherent or too long im really tired and im kind of travelling rn so not a lot of tumblr time but i really wanted to answer this. thank you so much for sending me this, it made my day!

[hellsbovnd-archive]

LF RP — LEONNAUX ALTOIX

For all practical purposes a ghost, this Elezen only appears on public records as far back as three summers ago. It’s likely, then, that he’s chosen to live under an assumed name. He tends to use his appearance to his advantage, passing himself off as a Wildwood whenever it suits his interests—which, given the discrimination that Duskwights face, is more often than not.

He first stepped into the public’s eye as a small-time journalist—and, unbeknownst to all but those closest to him, the proprietor of The Cloak & Dagger (under the alias “Crow”). He is passionate about magicks and has a demonstrated talent for alchemy beyond what one may expect of a man who’s only twenty and one summers old. Shortly after founding The Cloak & Dagger, he retired from journalism to pursue academia full-time.

In Character

Profession(s): Academic — Director of Alizarine Research & Reclamation ( @alizarinefc ). Information Broker — Proprietor of The Cloak & Dagger, and current self-proclaimed leader of the Ebonguard ( @ebonguardls ). Formerly — Mythril Eye beat journalist.

Alignment: Generally neutral. Loyal to the Eorzean Alliance, but not particularly interested in being a law-abiding citizen.

Professional Talents: Magic — Arcanima and other rune-based arcane arts. Alchemy. Warding and minor enchantment. Illusions. Bartending/mixology.

Current Residence: The Goblet, Sultana’s Breath.

Likely Haunts: Ul’dah and Thanalan, primarily. Bookstores. Antique Shops. Magic Shops. Bars and Taverns. Gambling Establishments.

Hobbies: Gambling, primarily poker and other card games. Magic tricks, primarily sleight of hand. Reading, anything he cant get his hands on. Occasionally writes poetry. Music. Fashion.

Abbreviated Bio: Leonnaux is a Shroud-born Duskwight. He is obsessively studious and somewhat selfish in nature, though simultaneously surprisingly laid-back. Those who can make it past his strictly-business demeanor might note a heart of gold, despite the kind of work he’s often involved in via The Cloak & Dagger.

Having run away from home and come to Ul’dah, he quickly had to find a way to make money, which led him to dip his toes into the criminal underworld... and after he took the plunge, he never looked back, using his position as a journalist as leverage over his contacts. He took advantage of his new-found freedom (both in person and, to an extent, in finances) to continue his studies into the flow of aether and alchemy.

MORE INFORMATION: Full Bio | Tag

Out of Character

Hi there! I’m Mid and I use they/them pronouns! I’m generally most active during NA Evenings and Late Nights. I play on Balmung, but I'm open to RP connections from across the Crystal datacenter.

You can find detailed information about my hopes and expectations for RP on my dossier, here. The quick and dirty version:

OOC Communication > All

I am a med/heavy lore-strict RPer. I prefer medium-to-low power levels in RP and character- and plot-driven scenes. I won’t RP with any player under the age of 18 but as long as you’re not making it weird/creepy, I don’t have a problem with underage characters.

I run an FC and an LS, so I can be pretty busy OOC because I have to run a lot of stuff related to that.

I do not RP on Discord, but I have always been smitten with Tumblr RP as a longform format, so if in-game RP is impossible for some reason, I’m happy to write starters.

In terms of things I’m looking for:

Casual acquaintances and friends!

Business contacts!

Long-term plot-focused RP connections!

Recommendations for events to attend? (And company to drag me along since I hate flying solo.)

Discord and Linkshell communities! Leonnaux is a Shroud-born Duskwight, a criminal, and a mage, so any Discords and Linkshells catering to that would be great for forging connections, though I'm fairly shy. u.u

In relation to some character development, I would love to find a mentor for Leonnaux!

Detailed RP Hooks Under the Cut!

Thanks for reading! If you're interested in playing with me then please feel free to send me a message or make a note of it in the tags or comments on this post. My Discord is available for OOC arrangements and chatter upon request! If I’m slow please bear with me; I have a habit of getting absolutely swamped with stuff at more or less complete random, and my energy levels vary wildly from day to day and week to week.

RP Hooks

1. The Academic/Scholarly Community.

While the majority of Leonnaux’s academic career has been spent in seclusion, teaching himself the skills he’s learned, he eventually came out of his shell. He’s always looking to expand his horizons, and has an extensive personal collection (although it’s doubtful that he’s read every book cover-to-cover).

Leonnaux is very interested in alchemy and, as he practices a mixture of arcanima-rooted rune-based magic and component-based magic resembling alchemy, he’s always itching to learn more about other schools of thought regarding the art. He’s taken a shine to Ul’dahn alchemy since moving to Ul’dah, but he himself heavily utilizes traditionally Duskwight methods. 

Despite his talent for alchemy, he also doesn’t always have the time or knowledge to go out and collect his own reagents and materials, so he relies heavily on outside help, be they merchants in Ul’dah or independent suppliers.

He is also the director of Alizarine Research & Reclamation, a company focused on such academic pursuits as well as the study and acquisition of artifacts, regardless of whether their significance lays in their history or their properties.

2. The Criminal Element

For a long time, Leonnaux’s primary source of income was selling information. He’s always had somewhat of a disdain for law and authority, viewing such things necessary only insofar as they serve his ends. 

He sells secrets and whispers under the guise of a somewhat ostentatious man known as “Crow,” using his “messenger” (really a cover to ensure that he was taken seriously in his work, and to protect his identity/safety if things went awry) as an intermediary between himself and business contacts as a means of protecting his identity due to the nature of his work. He is also not above thievery and is knowledgeable about underground trade networks.

“Crow” is also known to be the leader of a loose criminal network that he calls “the Ebonguard” and is the proprietor of an establishment known as The Cloak & Dagger, a restaurant meant to be a sort of ‘neutral ground’ for criminals and n’er-do-wells to do business and have a good bite to eat.

Leonnaux is known to gamble his money in seedy places. More than happy to sit for a game of cards or a cigarette, one might notice that he can get an uncanny winning streak going under the right conditions. The keenest might be able to connect the dots to the pronounced talent for sleight of hand and other magic tricks that he seems to possess.

In the criminal underground as Crow, he’s earned a reputation for declining the use of force except where absolutely necessary, instead preferring to use blackmail and public humiliation as his primary source of leverage over his contacts and clients. However as he’s given up his job as a journalist, he lacks that leverage and his position is far more precarious. Past clients or contacts with an axe to grind are 100% welcome as pre-established contacts, as long as we talk about it first! 

3. Contract Work.

Leonnaux is more than willing to take contract work, although he has his boundaries. This is in its own heading because he’s willing to take work to research things or track down artifacts as he is to sell information or organize heists to steal valuables. His only hard line is that he won’t kill on contract and he will not aid in any plot involving human trafficking.

Note though that Leonnaux is comfortable enough financially that he may not take every job that’s pitched to him. High risk jobs that offer little reward are likely to be declined, but if the pot is sweet enough then he can be convinced to do anything that doesn’t cross one of his hard lines.

(Note that RPing contracts in the east will be difficult, as I don’t generally play with IC teleportation due to playing on the lower end of the power spectrum.)

4. Mentor + Apprentice

Leonnaux is primarily a self-taught mage, though recently he’s been shown that while it’s an impressive accomplishment, he’s nowhere near as skilled as his peers. His casting is sloppy and reliant upon prerequisite components, which means that he’s not great in situations where he has to improvise. In general he lacks discipline, and he can’t take a hit to save his life. He would love to get stronger, but is unsure of how to go about it.

(Note: This is an extremely long-term plot hook, so I won’t pursue it with anyone I’m not comfortable with. If you’re interested in exploring a mentor/apprentice dynamic with Leonnaux as the apprentice, then feel free to reach out to me and we’ll get talking; I’d like to get to know you via unrelated interactions and general shitposting/chatter first! Forgive me for being awkward, though, I’m very bad at keeping up with people. orz)

Leonnaux is also open to passing on his knowledge of alchemy to others, given that he practices an unusual form of it and would like to see the Duskwight practices preserved outside of Duskwight communities.

[chimcharstar]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

[lipvincent]

hi im samuel i am feral and excited 2 write with u all . its been a minute since ive hopped on tumblr for a bit of the ol rp..... but ill give this lil personal rundown a shot

i live in beautiful sunny california baby....... soaking in the rays Mmmm-mmm life is good . im 20 n i like to eat plain oatmeal and prunes therefore my diet is that of a 90 yr old and i think thats very sexy of me . lip is a brute and rly doesnt deserve to b liked whatsoever...... lets get on w tha show...

CIS-MALE — ever hear people say PHILIP GLASPY-VINCENT looks a lot like FINN COLE? I think HE is about 24, so it doesn’t really work. The HEAD OF A DEALING RING is here because HE’S LOCKED DOWN UNTIL HE CAN FIND BETTER SOURCES FOR HIS STOCK and they are from NEW JERSEY. They can be RESOLUTE, but they can also be DEPRAVED. I think LIP might be TIER 3 SHEPARD. 

TW: DIVORCE, SUICIDE

phillip glaspy-vincent . heir to his gross fathers throne . ultimate douchebag and product of a bad decision gone extra wrong . half-brother to another delinquent

crimelord gangster mikey v had an affair w the wife (nora beatrice glaspy) of some hotshot politician staking out his competition fr a week in ny . big meeting of big men with national notoriety . nora took the pregnancy home n tried to pass the baby as her husbands son . worked fr a while until it didnt... around the age of three, poor sap puts the pieces together after a visit to the doc turns south . its a rough time for everyone involved

divorce comes swiftly and without mercy . tears up their marriage . the press crushes his mothers reputation and shreds her self esteem in countless records of newspaper shaming and petty broadcast reports . its humiliating n they end up moving from manhattan to a far off district in new jersey, holed up in the only apartment she can afford (and is struggling to consistently secure rent checks for) . lots of government disputes, money problems, etc

TW: SUICIDE

hes six when his mom takes a bath that lasts a little too long . walks in on her and shes already dead . the blade is rested on the edge of the bathtub and is collected by the police once he works up the courage to dial 911 . chides himself to this day for takin so long because he was covered in his own snot on some nicotine stained tile in the middle of who knows where…. n now his whole lifes been hollowed out to tha flippin core . he hasnt cried since then and frankly ? i dont think hes going to unless he is actually throwing a goddamn tantrum.... which he has the tendency of doing

authorities track down his only living biological parent . in comes mikey fr round two . they drop lip off like a poorly delivered fedex package…. be careful! fragile! bt none of tht shit is heeded in the slightest so does it even fcking matter? hes raised alongside his half sister n though they have varying personalities n clashing morality…. they actually get along quite well n are stable sources of support fr each othr on a daily basis

mikey is as hes expected to b . terrible guy . head of the dealing ring which lip is taking over on the downlow nowadays . hes real good at it n models after his father in being a snake oil salesman….. slowly picking up the slack n is becoming one sadistic yung man w a taste for nothing bt horrible news . he doesnt realize hes taking on characteristics of his dad and doesnt want to in the first place bc its the last thing he ever aspired to end up like . he is vry bitter abt it and by being somewhat aware of his dickish behavior it accelerates the process of becoming Even More of a Dick

he wears a lot of suits bt dresses them down….. plain t-shirts n black trousers . has two big white dogs that he walks around w sometimes and they arent vry nice & have to have muzzles on them 24/7 (nobody knows where tha fuck they go when he isnt walking them… fair to assume his buds take care of them for him) . still plays neko atsume . has buried more bodies than hell ever admit . talks to everybody like they are his absolute bitch . adores lesley gore and ballroom dancing . has driven a car into a lake on multiple occasions to show crazed dominance over the rest of his posse whom follow him around n tend to come in 3s (notable names r sweeney, klautz & don) . carries a gun w religious symbols on it…….. kinda like in leo dicaprios romeo + juliet (keeps tht sucker under his pillow tho…… fr everybodys safety) . wears ski masks most of tha time and gets attached to ppl really easily but would never admit it . hes kind of like a date? the fruit…. except a sour date with a mushy pit and the skin sticks to ur teeth when u bite into it. a date gone rotten . a rotten date :)

anyway . this is supr rushed . blease………. 

i vant all ze connections n that isnt an exaggeration in the slightest im a hongry little stinker so give em UP!!!!!!! give this post a like n ill come barreling towards u without mercy POW POW POW like that....