#or we just have v different social circles lol

[st-eve-barnes]

Leverage (Michael Gavey x fem Reader)

Chapter 1

Summary: When your ex threatens to release some very personal videos you are left with no choice but to do what he asks: seduce the biggest nerd on campus, Michael Gavey. Will you rock his world or will he fundamentally change yours?

Word count: +2300

Warning for the entire fic: 18+ for explicit content and language. Kissing, oral sex (male receiving), dry humping, hand job, fingering, p in v sex. First kiss and loss of virginity. Experienced reader. Enemies to lovers vibes.

Fluff, smut and of course angst (my favorite combination! lol) I haven't watched Saltburn yet so all characters in this fic except for Michael are my own.

Chapter 2 will be posted next week and the plan is to post weekly, there will be 4-5 chapters (depending on how far the muse takes me)

***

All my fics are also on AO3

***

You should have known something was off the second Ben sat down in front of you in the library that morning. You two hadn’t spoken since you’d broken up, some 6 months ago now. The split had been amicable but neither of you had felt the need to pretend to remain friends afterwards. He was a stranger to you now and you preferred it that way.

You both moved in different social circles in the university these days, meaning he was living his dream as a popular fuck boy getting drunk every night and you spent most nights in your dorm room focusing on your studying.

“I need a favor,” he bluntly started the conversation.

“No,” you answered without looking up from your book.

“I think you should hear me out first.”

“Ben, we haven’t spoken in months,” you sighed,”What makes you think I would help you now?”

He leaned closer to you over the table, making you lean back to keep the distance between you two.

“The firm I’ve been dreaming of getting into is offering an internship to whoever scores highest on this upcoming test,” he explained.

“Great, you should start hitting the books then.”

“It’s no use.”

“Why not? I thought you were so smart?”

“I am so smart,” he smirked, making you roll your eyes,”But not as smart as him.”

You looked up and noticed he wasn’t looking at you anymore but his gaze was drawn to the guy sitting a few tables away. You recognized him instantly: ugly outdated shirt, even uglier beige cargo pants and big glasses on his nose, buried into his books as usual. The biggest nerd on campus and beyond: Michael Gavey.

“He’s your competition?” you snorted,”Good luck with that!”

“Luck won’t help me, that’s why I need your help.”

“What on earth am I going to do? I suck at math, you know that.”

“That’s not why I need you,” he shook his head and sighed,”A job at that firm is my dream, it’s what I’ve always wanted and worked towards for the past two years.”

“And if you pass that test you’ll get it.”

“Nobody can beat Gavey, everyone knows the guy’s a fucking genius.”

“Then he deserves the internship, don’t you think?”

”He can literally get any job he chooses, I need this one and I won’t let that freak take it from me.”

For the first time you leaned forward and looked into his eyes, indulging him and giving into your own curiosity.”What do you want from me then?”

“Look at him, I bet that guy’s never even had a girl look at him twice, especially not a pretty girl like you, that dude’s got virgin written all over him, hasn’t he?”

“How is that any of your business, Ben? Maybe he’s not even interested in girls, you ever though of that?” you opted, deliberately ignoring his compliment.

“Oh, believe me he’s interested, I’ve seen him stare when he thinks nobody’s looking. He may pretend to be above all that but the fucker is just as horny as the rest of us.”

“Speak for yourself.” You leaned back and kept your eyes on him while you crossed your arms,”You still haven’t told me what you want from me.”

“I was thinking, having a pretty girl like you pay attention to him might take his mind off all this studying, a distraction like that could kill a man’s entire focus.”

“Only a man who thinks with his dick.”

He smirked at you,”Or a man who’s never had his dick touched.”

“You’re fucking disgusting."

He lifted his hands in innocence,”I just want you to distract the guy a little, make him forget about stupid tests and internships so I can have a fighting chance.”

”You want me to fuck him,” you realized.

He gave you a lazy smirk, his gaze hardening suddenly,“I want you to do whatever it takes to ruin him.”

The words left his mouth so casually and easily it was making you nervous.

“You’re mad, there’s no way. Ask one of the whores you always hang out with, I’m sure there’s plenty…”

“I’ve asked, none of them want him.”

You sighed, annoyed.”Of course they don’t.”

“I need it to be you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re the only one I can convince to do this.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at that and you shook your head,”You’re out of your mind if you think I would even consider…”

He didn’t let you finish your sentence but instead shoved a photo towards you on the table.

“What is this?”

“This is what I would call leverage.”

You looked at him in confusion,”This is just a blurry picture, what am I supposed to be looking at?”

He smirked at you,”Do you remember that one night we got insanely crazy drunk and I borrowed my roommate’s camera?”

It was only then that you realized what you were watching. It was a picture of a video. A video of a night you had tried very hard to erase from your memory, a night you wished had never happened.

“You kept that?” you asked quietly, the unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach quickly growing. 

“It never left my computer,” he said as if it was something to be proud of,”And I guess…we’d both like it to stay on there wouldn’t we? And not…get lost on the internet or around university or something, I mean…I imagine you wouldn’t want that, right?”

You looked at him in complete disbelief and your voice was shaking with your next words,”You wouldn’t…you wouldn’t do that.”

His dark eyes stayed locked on yours,”Don’t doubt that I will do whatever it takes to get what I want, sweetheart.”

You shivered at the cold determination in his tone.

“I’m sorry,” he added,” but I need you to do what I ask if you want that video to stay with me. Get to know Gavey, make him believe you’re interested, how far you take it…is entirely up to you. Just make it work.”

****

You found Michael in his same spot in the library the next day, leaning on his elbow while he was taking notes in one of his many text books. 

For a few moments you just watched him from a distance, watched how enthralled he was in his work, how focussed his eyes were on the pages in front of him, how he kept pushing up his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose in concentration. If the world around him caught on fire right now he probably wouldn’t even notice, all he had eyes for were the numbers in front of him. Ben was right to fear him, this guy’s focus was top-tier, it would take a lot more than a silly girl like yourself to break it. 

But what choice did you have? You had to try.

You stood frozen for a while, uncertain as to how you were going to proceed. You didn’t want to be here and just the thought of what you had to do made your stomach turn. But Ben had left you with no other choice. If that video ever saw the light of day it was over for you.

You swallowed your nerves and walked up to Michael’s table and took a seat opposite him, trying to act both casual and confident. But you were too nervous to pull either of those off.

You cleared your throat before you spoke,”Hey.”

Michael didn’t react, he didn’t even flinch, making you think he hadn’t heard you at all. 

You opened your mouth to speak again but he beat you to it,”What do you want?”

He was still writing and didn’t bother to look up at you.

“Michael?” you asked carefully,”Michael Gavey?”

“You know my name, congratulations, what do you want?”

Your heart sank. How were you ever going to distract this guy when he didn’t even acknowledge your presence? How were you in any position to get his attention when he wasn’t even interested enough to grant you a simple glance?

This was going to be a lot harder than you thought.

“I need a tutor,” you blurted out.

“I’m not your guy,” he answered immediately with a small shake of his head.

“So you’re not the smartest guy on campus then? Shit, I must have been misinformed,” you tried to lighten the mood and it seemed to work.

His lips curled up into the tiniest of smiles but it was gone as quickly as it appeared,”Flattery doesn’t work on me.”

“Flattery works on everyone. Come on.”

He was shaking his head again all the while still writing things down in his notebook, determined to keep up his act of ignoring you and it was starting to piss you off.

“It’s rude not to look at people when they talk to you, you know?” 

Michael just shrugged his shoulders,”Tutoring is a waste of my time, go find someone else.”

“You’re the smartest guy here.”

“I already told you, flattery will get you nowhere.”

“I can pay you,” you blurted out and just like that you had his attention. He stopped writing and put his pen down, finally looking up to meet your eyes.

“Right,” he sighed,”Because money opens every door, does it?” 

His gaze was hard and his lips pursed in a thin line, he was clearly annoyed with you.

“No, that’s not…”

”You rich pricks think money will buy you everything your little heart desires. It’s fucking pathetic.”

“That’s not what I meant…I’m not…” you sighed, defeated as you watched Michael pack up his notebooks and rise from his seat.

“Piss off, spoilt little rich girl and ask one of your rich friends to tutor you. I am not your guy.”

And that was it. You failed before you even had the chance to really try. You weren’t one to give up easily but after that interaction you had no hope of ever getting close to Michael Gavey. The guy was rude and insufferable and clearly not interested in you in any way.

You tried to carry on with your days after that but the weight of Ben’s threat was hanging over your shoulders and dragging you down, making you anxious every day. You were frustrated at the power he still held over you. And even more frustrated by the fact that there was nothing you could do about it.

Your mind was somewhere else entirely when you started your shift at the local pizza place that Thursday night. At least work gave you something to do and keep yourself busy instead of eating yourself up with worry every night. When the manager called asking if you were available for some extra shifts that week you jumped at the chance.

You were working on automatic pilot that night, making your way through the tables and taking clients orders when you arrived at his table.

“Good evening, sir, how may I help you tonight?”

It was only when you looked up and the person in front of you lowered his menu that you recognized him. Gavey.

He opened his mouth to speak but stopped when his eyes met yours, a flash of recognition running across his face.

“It’s…you,” he realized and looking at your name plate he called you by your name.

“Yes, it’s me, hi,” you sighed, trying to stay polite even though he had been so rude to you last time. God, please, don’t let him be a difficult customer, you were not in the mood for this tonight. “What can I get for you, Michael?” you asked with your best customer service smile.

Much to your surprise Michael returned your smile with one of his own, a little awkward and probably as forced as yours but at least he wasn’t calling you names or yelling at you this time. And instead of avoiding your eyes he couldn’t seem to look away from you tonight.

“You…work here?” he asked, confused,”I’ve never seen you here before.”

“I usually only work the weekends, I’m filling in for a sick colleague tonight,” you explained,”The extra money is always welcome, you know.”

“You’re not…you’re not one of them,” he realized, his voice softer than you had ever heard it.

“One of who?” 

“Those vapid rich cunts you always hang out with.”

And just like that he was making it harder to remain polite again.

“They’re just my class mates, Michael, they’re not friends. Unlike some people I am mature enough to be civilized and polite to people even if I don’t like them much. It’s called being an adult, you should try it some time.”

Michael was quiet, his eyes dropping down to the menu before he gave you his order and sank back down into his seat. You almost felt sorry for him seeing him sit there all alone while most people were out with friends tonight.

Almost. Maybe if the guy wasn’t such a dick all the time he’d have friends to have dinner with and not look like such a loser.

When you returned with his food shortly after he just gave you a polite nod and a quiet “Thank you”, which you reciprocated with a quick nod of your own.

“You didn’t spit into my food, did you?” he then asked, making you turn back around.

“No,” you sighed,”I wouldn’t do that. Not even to you.”

He smiled weakly,“Not even when I deserve it?”

You couldn’t help your lips from curling up into a little smile at his unexpected admission of guilt,”No, not even then.”

“Thanks,” he nodded quickly.

“Enjoy your food.”

When you came to his table later to clean up you found a napkin properly folded with your name written on it. You opened it to find a generous tip inside and a message: “Food was excellent, customer service needs some work”

You shook your head and rolled your eyes,”Fucking asshole.” But then you read the next line:

“PS If you still want that tutor meet me in the library tomorrow night at 8”

[je-suis-problematique]

Heyo fellow DID havers and systems in general!

Hello hello and welcome and hi. This blog has been up for A While now but we never really had the balls to interact with fellow systems before aaaand long story short I'm changing that now (I blame the medicine that I'm currently on because I am more than a little bit Zooted, LMAO). Basically if you're a DID-centric blog or just someone who's plural do you mind interacting with this post and maybe possibly also sliding into our DMs? We've been DYING to meet other systems and at least TRY to make some new friends. Some information about us/our blog just so there won't be any misunderstandings:

Please read our pinned post before interacting. If we're not your cup of tea we don't care that you block us and move on, we just wanted to be completely open and honest about ourselves and some of our stances before trying to befriend other people. No hard feelings there!

We prefer not to interact with minors for personal reasons, it just makes us extremely uncomfortable. Nothing against you if you're a minor of course, it's just a personal preference like I said. Sorry!

We post extremely dark themes on our blog and most of it is just our own way to process our own trauma but we understand that it can be a deal-breaker for some. Sorry again!

I know it's already listed on our pinned post but we're EXTREMELY fictive-heavy and we also date internally, if either of those things gives you the ick then we'd rather you didn't interact with us at all. We're okay with being blocked without prior interaction, you do what you need to do to keep yourself safe, yeah? Again, no hard feelings there!

We sometimes post extremely personal shit about sensitive topics OR we can go into graphic detail about certain subjects, please keep that in mind.

Our blog is our own and we post what we feel like posting regardless of whether or not it can be considered cringe. If our personal experiences are cringe to you then I'd rather we didn't interact in the first place (unless you don't mind the cringe and then welcome aboard the cringe ship LMAO).

We are looking specifically for professionally diagnosed DID systems OR people who are in the questioning phase. No need to recite the DSM-V to us we know it by heart already LOL, all we ask for is that you subscribe to the idea that DID is and always has been borne of severe trauma and that natural systems are a phenomenon that is questionable at best. Every system is different but there is a list of basic criteria one must fit into to be diagnosed as plural. LARPing as your favorite characters doesn't count.

If we end up vibing with each other well then you're absolutely free to ask for our personal Discord! We'd love to have more friends we could talk to who understand the struggles of living with DID and all of its complexities and co-morbid disorders. We've been feeling incredibly isolated as of late and wanted to expand our social circle with people we can relate to and vice versa. I promise we don't bite! Most of us are really friendly or at least know when to tone down on the cynicism, haha.

Looking forward to meeting you all!❤️

– Kovacs

[planetdream]

hii i feel like im . poking ur brain with a stick but i saw you were talking about astrology again! do you have any thoughts about taurus sun leo moon leo rising tropical vs taurus sun cancer moon cancer rising sidereal ? fairly new to astorlogy and i havent really managed to get properly into either venue yet and cant decide how i feel about either chart lol 😅😭 also also moon is in first house in both charts if thats of any interest

hey! don't worry, I love talking about astrology, my inbox is always open for questions you might have!! this is sorta a long post; i hope things make sense but lmk if you have any questions !!!

i have a small post about sidereal v tropical astrology*. i would say that beginners should start with tropical/western astrology because sidereal can have you a bit confused. I also think that the main thing one should know when getting into astrology is that: your natal chart is not solely your personality; it is your entire life in a small circle. things might not resonate because you haven't gone through it yet lol.

*something I didn't mention in the post is tropical and sidereal astrology have like, mathematical differences and differences via astronomy (basically how the stars currently are [sidereal] v how the stars used to be [tropical]). from my understanding, the actual interpretation of the planets and signs, is the same save for some minor differences. sidereal astrology also does not use Uranus, Neptune and Pluto which I find to be kinda lame /hj

I think sidereal is also very helpful during the later years of your life, once you're actually out n about and making astrological observations. this is not to say that you can't use sidereal now, I just find that for beginners who pick up on western astrology and more pop-astrology (aka; ur sun sign is blank so you act like blank), sidereal can be perceived as difficult and it is best to get a sound understanding of what the planets and signs really, truly mean before delving into the differences between zodiac systems.

another big thing is: to really pick between your sidereal and tropical charts, it's ultimately thee best to really look at your planetary aspects. what are the relationships between the planets in each chart?

for example, just looking at your tropical sun placement (10H Taurus Sun) tells us a few things: 10H suns typically do great in their careers (and typically have a really good public image), they're headstrong and are generally natural leaders or, chronic overachievers. but this is where we dig can deeper: are their any planets aspecting your sun? are those aspects challenging or more harmonious?

lets look towards your sidereal sun, still in taurus, but the house placement changes to the 11H—sun in the 11H you can easily obtain friends, (peeking back at tropical; your 11H would be in gemini—you're generally very social in settings with friends. you're probably the friends with lots of info and facts; perhaps your siblings/cousins are your best friends. or maybe you know some really cool party games.) the same goes for your sidereal chart; for depth and more understanding, look to the planets aspecting each other. because, lets say, you feel like you don’t connect with people easily—are their any other planets in the 11H for you? are there negative aspects to your sun?

1H moon, if it’s sidereal cancer; cancer rules over the moon so this is a natural area for cancer. since the moon changes signs every 2-3 days, cancer moons can be a bit moody on the daily; constant shifts between emotions. with the moon in the 1H, and this goes regardless of the sign it’s in, you’re likely seen as emotional, even if you think you’re not (leo moon). it’s very easy to wear your heart on your sleeve in some cases. 1H moons are also very nurturing, a bit of a naturally understanding person. yet again—depends on the aspects to your moon.

as someone who knows a lot of leo moons, i would read you on that but i’ll save it for another day 🙏🏾🙏🏾 (i give leo moons the side eye but that’s mostly because i have leo on my 12H)

side note -> are you seen as the mom friend? the one that’s caring and looks after everybody? kinda the energy i’m getting, especially via your sidereal chart haha

if i were to give a more in-depth description of the nuances (and similarities) between your tropical and sidereal chart, it’d be easier to visually see your natal wheel rather than just a few written placements, as then i could pick out smaller things that might separate the charts.

[sparxwrites]

Hey anons yall are cowards /j /lh but anyway having a thing for tummies is so funny because its like- so not taboo yet you just cant help but get all nervous about it and I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE like help??? Like I can walk in and admit I'm a total monster fucker yet going 'owo' at tummies is the line. I am dying for an explination for why this happens, especially after hearing you're the same!!

i think there's probably a lot of factors tbh.

monsterfucking is a lot more common than tummy-related stuff, which makes it more socially acceptable (within the specific environment of fandom/tumblr). society worships thinness and demonises fatness/bigger tummies, which makes enjoying it feel deeply shameful (versus monsterfucking, which is just... not really on the radar of primary social messages we're exposed to tbh). fat people/pregnant women actually exist, and therefore it's a more uncomfy line to tread re: fetishisation (as opposed to, say, werewolves, who do not exist and therefore don't care how much you only like them for their dicks). there's the potential for uncomfortable interaction with health-related stuff about obesity, or eating disorders, which Also means treading an awkward line. and if you go looking for tummy content, there's a higher proportion of unpleasant stuff (nasty/cruel humiliation, fatphobia or adjacent stuff, stuff that borders on romanticising abuse) than you tend to find with monsterfucking (though i'm sure you can find plenty there too), which means a lot of people's first thoughts on hearing you like tummies are equally unpleasant.

the above stuff re: interactions with highly-charged irl "issues" are also probably why it's such a powerful squick for a lot of people, which again i think contributes to the sense of shame by ppl who enjoy it. especially if it's food- or weight-oriented - rather than, say, inflation or oviposition - those are powerfully emotive topics, and also areas many people will have their own challenges, personal struggles, difficult thoughts around in one direction or another.

i also think it's just a lot more non-intuitive than monsterfucking, which makes it kind of embarrassing and awkward maybe? like, maybe a non-monsterfucker doesn't Quite get "werewolf hot", but they can draw an intuitive line between that thought and the fact said werewolf has an enormous dick. it's really difficult - even as someone who likes this stuff! - to draw any line from "tummy big" to anything that resembles a conventional object of arousal. it's a fetish in the true sense of the word: deriving arousal from something unconnected to genitalia.

[osakunt]

Can I please request Bonten Mikey finding out his only love who HE broke up with, (his ex s/o) whose heart he broke when he embraced his dark impulses is getting married? What would he do?

If you're ok with writing angst and Mikey being Mikey all sad and moody please cause nothing is emotionally normal with that man. Lol thank you!

➟ Mikey x gn!reader

➟ I’m more than okay to write him this way. Please enjoy and thank you for requesting <3

He heard it from Kokonoi. Why from him ? Because Kokonoi is definitely the type to find out about everything. Not only that but he also knew you. You had reached out forhim as soon as you got engaged. A month before the wedding, you sent out invitations and the money loving male got one along with Kakucho and the rest of Bonten.

Kokonoi fanboyed over the design of the invitation. The lace like feel to the thick paper. The fancy font and the color of the envelope it came in. It was a surprise to all of them that you’d even invite them after everything, they were still involved with Mikey.

You didn’t care about that. You cared for the friendship they still held with you. The comfort and understanding they gave you when Mikey gave your love away. It didn’t matter to you if they were in his social group as well. In the end he wouldn’t care if you got married. It was his decision to end things with you so there was no reason to ever get yourself associated with him ever again.

“Where’s it gonna be ?” He asks Sanzu as Sanzu hide his gun under his blazer. Sanzu smirks tilting his head up to see Mikey staring at him from the door of the gangs hideout. The room became dimmer when Mikey steps into it.

“(Y/n) has always been simple. You’d think their wedding would be too. They’re a different person now. The same but different. They smiles more now. They have that glint of mischief in their eyes. The way they carries theirselves with more confidence, you’d think they’d be the boss of a mob. Most importantly they’re happy”. Sanzu’s tone of voice, sounds mocking to Mickey. He let it slide knowing he deserved for the words to cut deep.

Sanzu purposely avoided the question his leader had asked. He didn’t want Mikey to show up and make a scene of depression and fuck up the lively mood everyone would be in. Picking up the bouquet of flowers that were in them with the colors of your wedding - Sanzu calls out for the others.

“C’mon fuckers !!! We’re going to be late !!”

“Speak for yourself. We’ve been waiting for you for an hours now” Rindou scoffs and Kakucho rolls his eyes, getting up to exit first.

“We’ll be back around midnight. We can then talk about where we can invest the money in” Kokonoi gives Mikey an advance of plans.

As all of them made there way to the venue, only Sanzu was the one who caught a streak of white hair from the corner of his eye. Once they arrived he felt the need to bring Kakucho with him and let the others finish arriving without them.

“ ‘Kucho” Sanzu tugs his shirt, pulling him aside. “Mikey’s here”

Kakucho goes stiff and blinks a few times not sure if Sanzu was playing around or being serious. As the two were talking, they’re didn’t know that Mikey had actually followed them and was just about to knock on the door of the room you were in talking with your soon to be spouse. On the phone cause them seeing you and you seeing them would be bad luck.

“I’ll see you there then, I love you” you could practically see the goofy grin they made on the other line of the phone. “Don’t leave me at the alter” they finish up saying as a joke - though deep inside they were scared you’d leave.

“Please !!! I’d never embarrass someone like that. I’ll see you inna minute dummy. I love you too” you hang up smiling and look into the mirror of the vanity you were sitting in front of.

Light hair, dark eyes, dark circles and a expressionless face - greets you as you looked into the mirror. “You look just as beautiful as the day you left. Even more if I say so”

You scoff hearing his monotone voice. “Let’s make it clear that you were the one that left that night. How dare you show up the day I’m to establish something that will make me happy in the end”

“That’s why I’m here. Wanted to apologize for doing that to you” he said in hopes of maybe - just maybe having your heart flutter for him one last time…..Sadly your heart never did flutter nor did your eyes have that shine you once had when you were around him.

You stay silent, turning to look at him with a perplexed face. Who in their right mind would even do that ? Oh that’s right, he wasn’t in his right mind.

“Manjiro, I don’t care. I understand what you went through and what you’re going through - but I can’t accept your apology. You’re four years late and I hope you can understand that. This will be our last time we ever meet and talk. When we encounter one another in the street or a place, we will be strangers. If my name ever pops up in a conversation, I hope you act like you never met me as I will do the same. I wish you luck and nothing but the best. You were once my undying love while now you’re just a memory I wish to erase”.

While you finished up - all of Bonten had been told what was going on. As you say your last words, Akashi opens the door and in come the men.

“Good you’re ready ! C’mon c’mon, the ceremony will start in ten” Ran grabs ahold of your hand pretty much dragging you with his brother as Rindou places a hand on your lower back to usher you out. While being rushed out you give Mikey one last look and a weak smile. “Congratulations, my beloved (y/n)”

His words were heard clearly. They don’t bring you to feel anything. Not even a want to cry. You were in happy place with your to be spouse. There was no need to live in the past when the future of something real and loving was waiting for you at the end of the of the trail of the scattered flower pedals.

[egcdeath]

checkmate

summary: you’ve always refused to lose, and love was no exception. (gone girl-ish au)

pairing(s): ransom drysdale x dark!reader, a special mystery guest ;) 

word count: 3.7k

warnings: 18+ because of heavy themes! faked death, framing of crimes, manipulation, alluding to sex, alluding to cheating, terrible relationship dynamic, very loose usage of the word crazy/psychotic, implied mention of self harm, brief choking & slapping (in a non sexual way lol), pregnancy trapping (idk if thats the right term), the reader is a very bad human being, overuse of italics  *please let me know if i’m missing any warnings!

author’s note: this is my 2nd submission for @stargazingfangirl18’s 5k soft dark challenge, i decided to make the reader dark >:) but ransom is also not a good person. I used these prompts: “I’ve waited a long time for this, sweetheart.” & The town golden *girl isn’t as sweet as everyone thinks.

this is definitely the most unhinged thing i’ve ever written, but blame @literate-lamb for making me write this because when i pitched this to her and said that i’d probably never write it, she enabled me. 

okay that's enough from me. join my taglist if you want :D

“I know women whose entire personas are woven from a benign mediocrity. Their lives are a list of shortcomings: the unappreciative boyfriend, the extra ten pounds, the dismissive boss, the conniving sister, the straying husband. I've always hovered above their stories, nodding in sympathy and thinking how foolish they are, these women, to let these things happen, how undisciplined. And now to be one of them! One of the women with the endless stories that make people nod sympathetically and think: Poor dumb bitch.” Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

Your whole life, you’d considered yourself a competitive person. Constantly overcompensating for one thing or another, whether it was the chronic desire to achieve perfection that had been installed in you since you were a little girl, or your persistent internalized sense of inadequacy. You realized early on that it was much better for you to win than for you to lose, no matter the physical, emotional, or mental cost of the prize of perfection.

For the most part, this mindset worked out for you. You graduated as Valedictorian from your high school, neared the top of your graduating class at Harvard. God knew you earned it, all those tears you shed into overpriced textbooks, all the popping of unprescribed Adderall, and robbing yourself of the parties and social events that the rest of your peers gladly indulged in. 

You were just different, which was why you gained a job nearly immediately after your exit from school, quickly climbing to the top at the Blood Like Wine publishing company after only a few years of being there. 

And one night, at the party celebrating the release of A Thousand Knives when you laid your eyes on Hugh Ransom Drysdale, the grandson of your boss, you knew that you needed to have him. Rich, hot, a bit of an asshole. You deserved to finally complete your image, and that socialite flavored eye candy seemed to fit the part perfectly. Luckily for you, he was desperate. It only took a few tugs on your dress’ V-line, and a number of knowing smirks to find yourself being finger-banged in his family manor’s bathroom.

From there, you wormed your way into his life. Leaving belongings at his place as an excuse to come back, and offering booty calls in the middle of the night. Ransom must’ve been much more desperate than you originally thought, as it really only seemed to take one night of stroking his hair while he vented about his family to make him want to be with you. Men with mommy issues were always so easy. 

Except, he wasn’t that easy. The longer you got to know Ransom, the more fucked up you realized he really was. He had no boundaries at all, became jealous and enraged at the drop of a pin, and occasionally told you things that made the hairs on your arms rise. 

This of course all came to a head after the night of Harlan’s 85th birthday party. When the news broke of his tragic death, you’d immediately known it was the works of your Hugh. If your intuition wasn’t enough, his confession in the shower, where he’d demanded you take off your clothes to display that you were without a bug, certainly was. 

You were completely devastated. The man that you’d invested so much into for years had thrown both his and your reputations down the drain in just a matter of hours. Of course, you felt bad for Harlan too. He was a good guy (when he wasn’t instigating a family fight).

Still, you showed up during the funeral in your best mourning clothes and dawning your biggest crocodile tears. You rubbed Linda’s back while she mourned the loss of her father, and the new truth about her husband. You played dumb when interrogated by some Southern private investigator, even giving Ransom an airtight alibi. You testified on his behalf in court with enough conviction to grant you an Emmy. 

You’d gotten so far, devoted so much energy into him, that you simply refused to lose now. 

To your friends, you’d seemed to lead a near perfect life. Dream job, dreamy boyfriend, dream bank account, but it wasn’t enough. You wanted more, you just didn’t know what. 

It dawned on you while sipping mimosas at the country club, Ransom playing tennis with his friends just a few yards away from you while Danielle showed off her brand new engagement ring, a .59 Carat Asscher Diamond, that if you heard her speak of again, would probably make you lose your shit.

You zoned out as she droned on and on about the shape, and how Matt proposed to her in their own private room in one of the most exclusive Parisian restaurants, instead focusing on how you could find yourself in the same position as that airhead next to you. In all honesty, you couldn’t stand the idea that someone was doing better than you, let alone someone in your own social circle. Dani got all the bragging rights of being engaged to the heir of some tech giant, being the first in your friend group to get eloped, and worst of all, Matt wasn’t even making her sign a prenup. 

You blankly watched Ransom from afar, taking occasional sips from your sweet drink, while you thought of how you deserved all of that and more, and you were going to get it one way or another. 

——

It didn’t take much to come up with something, your first and most obvious plan being to simply ask Ransom when he was going to propose to you. Of course, this wasn’t the first time you’d tried to approach him about this subject, you just wondered if maybe this time things would be different.

Panting heavily after a rather rough night in bed, you rolled off of your boyfriend’s chest and gave him a messy, yet sincere kiss. You knew your man well, and if there was any time to pop the question, it was in his post-nut haze.

“Baby,” you said breathily, “I wanna ask you something.”

“Shoot,” he responded casually, glancing over at you. 

“When’re you gonna propose to me?” you hummed.

Ransom groaned and shook his head, rolling his eyes, “this is about Matt and Dani, huh?” he tutted, then extended a hand out to your warm cheeks so he could gently caress one with his thumb. “Thought we agreed marriage is just a piece of paper and it’s stupid.”

You huffed in response.

Of fucking course.

“I never said that,” you muttered, setting a hand on his broad chest. “Besides, it’ll be good if you get pissed and decide to like, kill your dad or something. Y’know, spouses don’t have to testify against each other in court.”

Ransom chuckled as if this whole thing was funny, like your feelings were some kind of sick joke to him. “You know my lawyers, babe. They could prove that bees don’t make honey. That bears don’t shit in the forest. I appreciate your attempt, though. This has been some really nice pillow talk.” 

“Whatever,” you muttered, pinching his nipple in retaliation before turning your back to him and yanking the blanket onto your side. 

You weren’t sure why you were so surprised that he was being stubborn, most of the time you felt like you were pulling teeth from the man. But that’s why you had a backup plan! You always had a backup plan. That’s what separated you from your boyfriend. Where Ransom was extemporized and impulsive, you were calculating and prudent. 

Although you devised your plan that very afternoon while watching your partner backhand small green balls, you were going to need some time to get everything in order, to prove Murphy and his stupid law wrong in making sure that everything that could go wrong wouldn’t. 

After all, love was a game. And you sure as hell weren’t losing to Hugh Drysdale. 

——

You sacrificed too much to have your plans ruined by some trust fund baby with impulsivity issues. You deserved your dream marriage, the stability you wished you had as a child. You wanted the white picket fence, and everything that came along with it. Your desire to be the best, to be perfect was what drove you to poke holes in every condom in the box, what led you to draw liters of your own blood in hopes of staging a fake crime scene, to buy a cheap getaway car and burner phone off of Craigslist, and reach out to a high school boyfriend who you knew was in a position as desperate as you. 

You planted seeds of doubt in your friends throughout the following weeks, feeding them lies about Ransom’s behavior, how you were afraid of telling him that you did in fact see two faint red lines on that damn plastic stick– only half of the statement truly being false–, telling them that he was behaving erratically lately.

It all was going without a hitch. Ransom didn’t seem to notice anything was off, despite your frequent visits to the bathroom and newfound affinity for true crime documentaries. 

You almost felt guilty, knowing the world of pain you were about to throw the man into. Granted, he deserved the pain. You were in a relationship with a genuinely terrible person, and that person had made a conscious effort not to commit to you. You tried to make this easy for him, give him a chance to say a few words to you and slide a ring on your finger, but no, he always seemed to take the hard route.

You slept like a baby the night before you were setting your plan in action. You made sure to uphold the facade of everything being fine, making Ransom a nice breakfast before sending him halfway across town to the hardware store with an oddly incriminating list.

Once he was out of the house, you hurried off to the fridge in the garage where you’d been keeping a small stash of your own blood. It wasn’t pretty, but it had to be done. You poured the blood throughout the kitchen, splattering bits of it on the counters and cupboards. You poorly cleaned the mess, just as he would.

You put your next move in motion, falsifying a home invasion. You tossed over a table and some chairs, throwing books and photos onto the floor, but left some aspects slightly untouched, like an upright picture frame to give yet another hint that things were not exactly what they appeared. 

You left a tiny blue post-it note on the nightstand of Ransom’s side of the bed, a quick and simple doodle of a ring along with the first initial of your name inked onto the tiny piece of paper. 

With that, you were off. Technically missing, soon-to-be presumed dead.

----

 The days following your disappearance had gone even better than you’d initially planned. Local news coverage had been all over you, search and rescue groups were assiduously looking for you, your parents had opened a tip line, and begged for you to get home safe on news segments. But the best part of it all was that Ransom had been briefly found himself in police custody, only to be released shortly thereafter. His past of an accused murder quickly made your disappearance even more of a national story, and you watched the whole thing unravel from the safety and comfort of your high school boyfriend, Andy Barber’s Newton home. 

Of course, you fed him the same lies you’d given to your friends, and seeing the rather lonely position he was in, he gladly let you stay with him. You were absolutely having a hay-day with it all, dedicating hours of your day to watching Ransom slowly unravel. Maybe it was a bit sadistic of you to enjoy torturing your partner so much, but he needed to learn his lesson. You deserved better. You needed Ransom to rise up to your level, allowing you to finally complete your image. To let you two appear to be the perfect couple. Really, this was all on him.

Andy, for the most part, had been a good host. He was gone for the majority of the day, dedicating himself to his work while you lounged around on his dangerously cozy couch. Around two weeks into your stay, you were sharing a box of pizza in the living room with your old lover when something interesting on the television caught your eye.

Ransom, broadcasted on CBS, being interviewed on your disappearance. 

You watched with wide eyes as Ransom begged for your return on national television. It was one thing seeing your mother plead for you to come back, the same woman who had installed such toxic behavior in you sob for your return, but Ransom. You’d never loved him more than in that moment.

“Hugh, if you could tell Y/N one thing, what would it be?” the interviewer asked.

Ransom turned, looking straight at the camera, directly into your soul, “Y/N, I love you so much. More than you’ll ever know. I need you to come back safely, to see you, to hold you again. I’d give anything in the world for that right now,” he looked down, a tear falling down his cheek. “I can’t live without you in my life, I-”

His sentence was cut off by Andy grabbing the remote, and turning off the TV. You turned your head and frowned deeply at him.

“Why’d you do that?” you asked with a bit of a pout.

“I just couldn’t stand listening to him talk about you like he hasn’t treated you like shit for the past few years. C’mon, let’s get ready for bed.”

Your blood boiled. Andy was once a means to an end, but now he was interfering. He was clearly much too selfish to see that you and Ransom were quite obviously soulmates. A match made in hell. 

You followed him to bed regardless, curling up on what had been your side of the bed for the past few days, and staring at the wall until Andy’s breaths moved from a soft and rhythmic pattern to loud snores. God, those snores were obnoxious. 

You slipped out of bed and to his dresser, grabbing two soft ties from the drawer, and daintily tying his wrists to each side of the bedpost.

“What‘re you doing?” he mumbled, instinctively yanking both of his wrists as he awoke.

“I’m going back home,” you whispered.

“You can’t be serious,” Andy huffed, tugging on the restraint attached to the headboard.

You shook your head, “I am.”

“I should’ve known. Why would you do something like this? Do you know how much trouble you’ll be in with the law?”

“Do you know how much trouble you’ll be in when the world finds out that you kidnapped me?” you retorted.

This threat seemed to wake him up right away, “what about this was kidnapping? I gave you a nice home, fed you, I didn’t even make a pass at you. I didn’t do shit to you,” he hissed. “You think I can’t prove that? I’m a lawyer, for god's sake!”

You nearly laughed, “Okay, Andy,” you paused for a moment, “As a lawyer, who do you think everyone’ll believe? Someone who the world was on a wild goose chase for in the last two weeks? Or the man with a family history of violence? Must I remind you that your father and your son have killed people?”

Andy shook his head, face pinched in sorrow at the mention of his deceased son, clearly a low blow. “You’re insane,” he muttered.

“Swear to god that you won’t tell a soul what happened here,” you leaned over him, getting right in his face. “Or I promise, Andrew Barber, I will ruin you. You’ll spend the rest of your life behind bars, or disbarred, or whatever the hell I decide to do with you. So keep your goddamn lips shut.” 

You pulled away and he solemnly nodded, not bothering to put up a fight. You loosened the fabric around his left wrist and walked out of the room. You picked up the keys to Andy’s Audi on your way out, checking the time as you adjusted the driver's seat. 

9:45 PM. Fatherhood really changed the man.

You pushed that thought aside and began your drive home, which turned out to be a surprisingly short trip. When you pulled up in front of your home, you were met with a slew of reporters outside of the house, along with a police car that seemed to be permanently camped there.

As you slowly got out of the car, a gasp, followed by a loud silence fell across the crowd. You limped for dramatic effect up the driveway as cameras followed you, and glanced back at them pathetically. From your peripheral view, you noticed the officers get out of their vehicle.

You finally got to your door, ringing the doorbell and waiting. You blinked harshly a few times, conjuring up the tears you needed to really make a spectacle of the event. After a few minutes, Ransom opened the door, eyes widening as he looked at you. He stepped out, and you wrapped him in as big of a hug as you could manage, genuinely missing his embrace. It was possible that you even let out a few real tears in the moment.

Your emotional embrace was interrupted by the man you recognized as Lieutenant Elliott, the same officer who’d been assigned to Harlan’s case. 

“Ma’am,” he began, only to be shut down by you. 

“Please, just let me be with my boyfriend,” you pleaded, crocodile tears streaming down your face as you spoke with the officer. You still needed time to get your story straight.

“Just give us the night, Lieutenant. We’ll come in first thing tomorrow morning,” Ransom added, furrowing his brows at the officer that he’d come into contact with far too many times. 

He looked to his partner, who shrugged, then to you, “enjoy your night.”

Cameras flashed around you as civilians, journalists, and newscasters alike attempted to catch your attention. You grabbed Ransom’s hand and dramatically pulled him inside, insincerely attempting to hide your face by ducking and covering half of your face with your arm. 

As soon as you were in the privacy of your own home, Ransom threw you against a wall. 

“Why. The fuck. Would you pull a stunt like that,” he hissed through gritted teeth, eyes wild, and a hand around your throat. 

You whimpered as he tightened his grip, rage clearly flowing through his system uncontrollably.

“Do you know what you did to me? You almost had me thrown in fucking jail. Do you understand that?”

You nodded weakly, “Ran,” you whispered, “the baby,” you glanced down at your stomach.

He paused, dropping his grip on your neck and staring at you in awe, “no…” 

You nodded again. 

“How…? You told me you were on the pill… You- you made me use protection…”

“Surprise?” you said weakly. 

“You’re a psychotic bitch.”

“I’m your psychotic bitch. And no child of mine will be born out of wedlock,” you taunted. 

“That’s what this is about?” Ransom laughed manically. “You did this all because I won’t fucking marry you?”

You didn’t even have to respond.

“I should send you to the loony bin right fucking now.”

“What happened to all those things you said to me on TV?”

“You’re fucking delusional. I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can. And you will. I’ve had to put up with you and your stupid little antics for way too long. How do you think I felt when you killed your own grandfather?”

Ransom scoffed, throwing his hands up in exasperation, “you are so fucked up.”

“I’m the fucked up one? You killed your own blood in cold blood! You’re unhinged!” 

“You faked your own death for attention, and got pregnant while doing it! Is that baby even mine?”

“The fuck are you trying to say, Hugh?”

“I asked if it’s even mine.”

“Really. You’re accusing me of cheating on you. That’s rich considering Mia, Layla, and whoever the fuck else. You’re being ridiculous.”

“I’m being ridiculous? You couldn’t have a normal adult conversation with me!”

“Are you kidding me? I asked you time after time to marry me and it was always some bullshit excuse!” you wagged a finger in his face as you spoke. “Oh, commitment scares me, oh, marriage is just a piece of paper, oh-“ you mocked his voice in a deeper tone before you were cut off by the sting of his hand against your cheek.

“Can you shut the hell up?” he growled at you as you held your own cheek, before you reached out and slapped him back, “I can’t believe that I’m stuck with such a deranged bitch for the rest of my life.”

“Maybe work on your vows a little, dear. I don’t think that those words are as charming to me as they’d be to the rest of our family and friends.”

“You can’t be serious,” he groaned.

“But I am,” you hummed, rubbing your cheek softly once again. “Look at how fast your life fell apart without me here. How quickly the public turned on you. Imagine how upset they’d be if you left me. I love you, Ran. I really do. You and I are perfect for each other, can’t you see that now?”

Ransom took a step away from you, pacing slowly in front of you. He ran a stressed hand through his hair, and took a long and drawn out breath, clearly at a loss for words.

“So when should we have the wedding? I’ve always wanted a Spring wedding, and I know it’s a little short notice, but I don’t want to be showing too much in my wedding dress,” you grabbed Ransom’s bicep gently, as if you were just having a regular old day with him, as if you hadn’t been choked and slapped moments ago. “But we can make it work. We always make it work, right?”

Your now fiancé stared vacantly at the wall ahead of him, giving you a slow, empty nod of agreement. 

“It’s settled then,” you smirked. “I’ll start looking at venues. You find me a nice ring, okay Honey? One that puts all those other bitches’ rings to shame,” you sighed pleasantly to yourself, “I’ve waited a long time for this, sweetheart.”

You pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before hurrying up the stairs and into your bedroom. You heard a distant shriek of  “fuck,” from Ransom, but you truly could not care less. 

You hopped into bed, grabbing your laptop from its charger and promptly opening it. You couldn’t help but to smile at your own reflection on the empty black screen. This wasn’t how you imagined your engagement, but you did the impossible. You tied yourself down to Hugh Ransom Drysdale, he went down kicking in screaming, and you were likely in for a lifetime of cheating and resentment, but you did it nonetheless. 

You finally won.  

[vlovers19]

A T/K subunit is long over due, but I'm selfish and want a Vmin SU & vlive & selca, but I'm stingy. lol That's not what bothers me. What bugs me is T/K constantly doing I love you signs lately and V clearly doing an indirect kiss to JK during Vmin's dance break during the butter practice video. Ji/K have had close moments these past few months, but JM has not once done ILY to JK. Seems odd to say he likes JM the most, but then do ILY to JK in front of JM, knowing how T/K shippers will take it.

The only answer i can give you here is simple. It's showbiz!

When they make this kind of gestures during a performance which they know will be aired and seen by millions of people, they do it to engage us. No one is left hanging. The shippers get what they want. The solos as well. Do we actually think they aren't aware of shipping? They definitely are. There are millions of Bts armies all around the world and amongst them are a handful of people who are observing. They will definitely notice something 'odd' in a music video. These people will spread what they saw on social media and before you know it, a particular ship is trending adding to Bts popularity. Did you notice how smoking hot they all looked during the butter mv? It's to impress, to leave people going crazy over them. The Bts team and editors know exactly what they are doing. These little things might seem like nothing but they go a long way in adding to Bts appeal.

These flirty behaviors doesn't apply only to Vmin, Taekook or Jikook. It applies also to other ships like Taejin, Vhope, jinkook, who perform a lot of skinship during performances especially on stage. They are mostly done by physically expressive members who have no problem with physical touch. However, the smaller ships are often overlooked because they aren't as big as the main ones.

Again, i can also say that most of these flirty gestures comes from Taehyung. He's a showman and during performances, he's always the one to initiate a particular moment. He would flirt with his members for literally no reason at all and it drives people crazy. With Jimin, it's no exception. He would flirt with him as long as it makes people happy and it leaves an impression. In the eye of the camera, no one is an exception to him. He would flirt with Jimin in front of Jungkook and vise versa. Jimin would do the same not just with him but with other members and that's how the circle repeats again and again so assuming that Taekook is flirting in front of Jimin because they are dating is so flawed because in the next couple of weeks or even days, the tune will change, it will be Jikook all over again, then Vmin and we all know that's the truth no matter how much we try to deny it.

With a new era, comes new things. We will notice a lot of changes recently because they are promoting their new song butter. Some people will seem closer than others because the dynamics will change but it's not something to fret over. Just because Taehyung likes Jimin the most doesn't mean that he doesn't like Jungkook and the others as well. So if he wants to give Jungkook a million I luv u's, he's free to do so. Besides, they all tell each other I love u anyways so it's nothing new. However, it doesn't stop the fact that Jimin is his soulmate. It's cemented in history and present in the mind and consciousness of everyone who knows them so no one can deny it. It's up to anyone to view them as romantic or platonic soulmates. Whatever makes you feel better. The fact is they are soulmates. The members can flirt and do whatever they want with each other as long as it's not proof of a romantic relationship. None of what we see is concrete proof because at the end of the day, two members have to actually come out and admit that they are in a relationship before it can become real.

Now, I want to remind everyone that Jimin personally mentioned during Kbs interview that Taehyung is the most honest person he knows and out of everyone in the group, he's the most humane. That is a very serious statement to make. It's probably the first time Jimin has ever compared Taehyung with the other members and that's saying a lot because Bts has gone through so much over the years which has changed their perceptions in life. They aren't the people they once were and that's understandable being in their position.

This means Teahyung is more honest than Jimin himself so if he said that he likes Jimin the most, then that's the truth. We should take Jimin for his word and believe that truly, that's how he feels.

As uncomfortable as it feels to a lot of shippers, we just have to accept the fact that as Bts, they belong to each other. There's no exception. We should allow them to mingle with others because it's what's good for the business but as individuals, that's a totally different situation as Taehyung personally puts it, 95liners is love.

[selfhealingblog]

UPDATE: So, its been a long, long, journey. I can happily say that I am mostly recovered. Struggling with anxiety and dp/dr this past year - I persevered and beat it! Life is pretty much back to normal. The first step with recovering for myself, to acknowledge that it is okay to struggle with mental health issues such as anxiety. To treat yourself with kindness, to relax and love life again. Learning to self love was also a big one for me. You can still be a strong person even if you are having mental health struggles. I am also connected to myself and my environment. Medication and the right support system helped a lot, it gave me the strength to not give up.  I learnt more about dpdr, trauma and anxiety. Dpdr is Depersonalisation/derealization. This is a type of dissociation in which you feel disconnected from yourself/others. One of the causes of dpdr is that its a response to trauma, experiencing an overwhelming situation which you cannot fully process emotionally or physically. So then you dissociate from your external environment. It's part of the 'flight and fight' response but there's also a third, called 'freeze' This is when an individual's nervous system is sensitized and believes there's no escape(flight) nor any way to fight back, so you are triggered into freeze mode. For some people, this can lead to dpdr. There are many types of dissociative disorders, such as dissociative identity disorder where it’s developed due to trauma. There is a dissociative spectrum with different disorders and severity of its effects. I don’t know much about the other disorders, nor have enough knowledge to comment on them. I am just focusing on dpdr as it’s something I struggled with. Fortunately for myself, it took a lot less time to achieve a sense of normalcy.  Check the links below for more detailed explanations! 

Your body and mind can heal, and things can go back to normal - just give yourself the time, be understanding of your self and try not to overwhelm yourself :')

I started many different hobbies to try and build myself up! I tried music production and made a couple of songs, which I'm proud of and still listen to. I tried learning languages. Focusing back on Spanish and French, I used websites like memrise! I started writing to help myself emotionally process the past year and vent - although that had to stop because I got hacked lol. (Then, got accused of hacking which made it weirder) So, back to writing paper, and maybe someday i can buy a type-writer or something like that. I checked ebay and some are being sold for £30-40 so hmmmmm, tempting tempting. Gaming has also been a really relaxing distraction from daily stresses. I started playing animal crossing new horizons again and re-terraformed my whole island. I also stuck to a theme for my island 'cottagecore' apparently its a really common theme and overused in the acnh community, but sucK it, i love it. Also it was entertaining going on Nookazon daily; I have been trading with other players and visiting other islands.

It was faster to recover from anxiety and dp/dr by just continuing my day and plans as normal, even if it did make me anxious. If you're struggling similarly. I really would recommend to still do things, like go out with friends, go shopping, embrace hobbies, visit places you haven't been to before, and make new memories. Just make sure its balanced and you're not overwhelming yourself too fast - so take one step at a time. If you feel uncomfortable meeting with friends, try texting, calling, then build up to meeting them at a safe place and etc. Start in a safe place and slowly build up out of your comfort zone, no matter how long it takes, its worth it. To start living again, rather than just giving up and distracting yourself with constant superficial gratification. 

Also another tip or advice: be aware of who you're surrounding yourself with. The people that you have in your social circle can have an effect on your mental health, if they are stressing you out or hold no positive influence over your life - just be aware of the hold it may have on you. Put yourself first and come back when you're ready. And if you feel like you have to cut people off for a while or permanently, I would say do it. Protect your spiritual energy. And, for yourself, be aware of what you're putting out energy wise and the influence you have on others. It can effect the people you love and care about.

As cliché as it sounds life does get better. I have changed for the better, I feel more 'grown up' and ready to handle new responsibilities. I am more aware of my boundaries and my limitations with others. I can forgive and let go. I'm content not going back to people who have hurt me or who I have hurt. Sometimes its just for the best. I take accountability of my own self too and where I have personally gone wrong. Knowing which areas I need to grow in is important for self growth. No individual is perfect, and at some point we do hurt others or get hurt ourselves. I am grateful that I have the ability to learn from my own personal mistakes and can avoid having an victim complex.

Cool changes for this year: I'm planning to get a car soon. I've made a bucket list for 2021 and things I want to do/explore. Camping. Holiday. Keep learning languages. Date ideas. Other fun activities. Try a different job to build experience. Maybe get a tattoo? also, also, figuring out uni stuff for second year :)<3 

To anyone else that is struggling with mental health or is not feeling the best, I believe in you. I hope you get better, there are going to be good days and bad days for everyone. Healing is not linear, so treat yourself with kindess and love. I can't imagine what youre going through but I can understand. You're brave, strong and Ily. Thank you for reading <3

Helpful educational youtube links for anxiety and dp/dr: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPyzPH8sB2A (fight, flight, freeze)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIb7QwFhcYg (narcissist response where you fight, flight, freeze) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZdEDEUidDg (talking about dp/dr recovery)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1GCjggflEU (dpdr explained)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PMeMxO8yz8 (causes of dissociation)

[thebluelemontree]

Hiya blue lemon it's me again. Do you have any criticism in the way GRRM wrote Sansa in book1/2? EX:.Sansa and Jeyne are BFF but we amolst never see the girls talking to eachother, and when JP is sex traffikced sansa just forget about her(we could have a scene where sansa try to find what happened to JP or at least grieve for her). Every time sansa appears as a non-POV in AGOT she's been mean and whe we have her POV she's mean for no good reason(SANSA III AGOT). >PART 1<

And the worst is why GRRM wrote sansa goin to Cercei to tell her the "Ned Plans", it's just bad writing, Cercei kill lady so Sansa going to her was OOC GRRM just wrote that to we hate Sansa And in the book it's not explained what "the Ned plans" was(And it was nothing imortant at all, and would make no difference at Ned's fate) so ordinary readers blame Sansa for Ned's death and GRRM does that too in book 2 Cercei put all the blame for Ned death in sansa nd "the Ned Plans" Your thoughts?PART 2

There’s a lot to unpack here. 

I get a sense that in the early books, George was not as comfortable writing female relationships as he was writing male relationships or even male-female ones. I mean, Catelyn has no female friends, no companions like Margaery Tyrell’s cousins, no fostering wards of her own, no correspondences with other ladies except that one letter from Lysa for plot reasons. This is just weird for the lady of two major houses. It is neglectful on George’s part to give most of the important social connections to men. This doesn’t mean he was totally inept at writing female relationships, though, and it does seem like he’s tried to improve upon highlighting the positive in later books.

By comparison, the positive side of the brotherly relationships are presented so strongly that it tends to smooth over the conflicts with many readers. Jon can feel envious and resentful of Robb, but the love and loyalty is always in the foreground. The conflict between Arya, Jeyne, and Sansa does have legitimate character arc and plot purposes, so this isn’t bad writing. It’s unfortunate that GRRM presses down so hard on the constant bickering and occasional nastiness, but he did write some positives (albeit they tended to be revealed in later books) and there are understandable reasons for the dynamics. It was not done in a totally unrealistic way. What’s depicted is a typical and relatable rocky period for that age group, and there was negative adult influence at play. It’s not a permanent feature of the sisterhood. It’s all there if you pay attention and you’re inclined to be charitable toward the mistakes of young girls.       

If a reader is already predisposed to see the bonds between male characters as more pure and more able to overcome the negative aspects, then they probably also view the bonds between female characters as inherently weaker and more fraught with conflict. Fandom misogyny is not GRRM’s fault. That sector of the fandom will always have contempt for girls for being girls, especially preteen girls. They will always hone in on their faults and belittle their virtues. 

I don’t think that is true that we hardly ever see Jeyne and Sansa talking. They are nearly always in each other’s company. There was real friendship between Sansa and Jeyne, because what George does do well with them, is realistically write the way girls cement their bonds. Young girls strengthen their relationship by communicating and confiding in each other. Sharing secrets, crushes, hopes, fears, and pieces of gossip builds trust and intimacy. Jeyne and Sansa do this all the time, even though they can have different opinions and disagree about a lot.  Yes, there is some one-sidedness in that Sansa socially outranks Jeyne and believes that makes her more mature and wiser than her friend. Jeyne is dependent on her closeness to Sansa as a highborn lady and future queen to rise successfully, so she’s not going to push back on Sansa’s dominance. This is also a reason Jeyne sometimes bullies Arya to supplant her as Sansa’s “sister.” When Sansa has something to share, she goes to Jeyne to talk about it. I think it’s hilarious that the girls have a debate over which castle Gregor Clegane’s head will get spiked. Sansa wants Jeyne at her side for these new and exciting events like the tourney. When things get serious and dangerous, they comfort each other. Again, this is not all George’s fault if some readers don’t recognize or value the way girls do friendships.  

It’s stated quite clearly why Sansa tries to not think about Jeyne or her deceased family members very often. It’s fucking traumatic and her survival while among her captors depends on mentally holding herself together. 

If only she had someone to tell her what to do. She missed Septa Mordane, and even more Jeyne Poole, her truest friend. The septa had lost her head with the rest, for the crime of serving House Stark. Sansa did not know what had happened to Jeyne, who had disappeared from her rooms afterward, never to be mentioned again. She tried not to think of them too often, yet sometimes the memories came unbidden, and then it was hard to hold back the tears. Once in a while, Sansa even missed her sister. By now Arya was safe back in Winterfell, dancing and sewing, playing with Bran and baby Rickon, even riding through the winter town if she liked. Sansa was allowed to go riding too, but only in the bailey, and it got boring going round in a circle all day. -- Sansa II, ACOK.

Following her father’s beheading, Sansa was in a suicidal depression for days. She wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t bathe, welcomed drug-induced sleep, and contemplated killing herself. If she thinks too much on those she lost, she falls to pieces. She can’t openly weep and mourn for “traitors” if her life depends on appearing to be loyal to Joffrey. Most of her grief is suppressed inside. This also includes asking too many questions she doesn’t feel psychologically prepared to hear the answer to. She was there when the decision was made to shuttle Jeyne off to Littlefinger; however, she has no idea this is going to result in Jeyne being sent to a brothel and worse. I would also keep in mind that even if she did ask, it’s not like Cersei or Littlefinger would ever tell her the truth. Why would they? Does she really want to hear lies and have to think about what the horrible truth might be when she can’t do anything about it?  When it comes to Arya, Sansa believes her sister escaped on the ship bound for home. She comforts herself with imagining that Arya is safe and free, and that’s enough to keep her going.  

And she prays and sings for Jeyne, wherever she is.

She sang for mercy, for the living and the dead alike, for Bran and Rickon and Robb, for her sister Arya and her bastard brother Jon Snow, away off on the Wall. She sang for her mother and her father, for her grandfather Lord Hoster and her uncle Edmure Tully, for her friend Jeyne Poole, for old drunken King Robert, for Septa Mordane and Ser Dontos and Jory Cassel and Maester Luwin... -- Sansa V, ACOK.

It’s only until later in the books that Sansa feels emotionally at peace enough to start remembering the good times with Arya and Jeyne without breaking down into tears. We can also see the conflicts weren’t always a thing, and the love was strong with all three.

Sansa began to make snowballs, shaping and smoothing them until they were round and white and perfect. She remembered a summer's snow in Winterfell when Arya and Bran had ambushed her as she emerged from the keep one morning. They'd each had a dozen snowballs to hand, and she'd had none. Bran had been perched on the roof of the covered bridge, out of reach, but Sansa had chased Arya through the stables and around the kitchen until both of them were breathless. She might even have caught her, but she'd slipped on some ice. Her sister came back to see if she was hurt. When she said she wasn't, Arya hit her in the face with another snowball, but Sansa grabbed her leg and pulled her down and was rubbing snow in her hair when Jory came along and pulled them apart, laughing. -- Sansa VII, ASOS.

It was most unladylike, but Alayne sound found herself laughing. For just a little while, as she ran, she forget who she was, and where, and found herself remembering bright cold days at Winterfell, when she would race through Winterfell with her friend Jeyne Poole, with Arya running after them trying to keep up. -- Alayne I, TWOW.

So it’s not even that the girls only bond through confiding. They run, play, and roughhouse with each other. It’s interesting that AGOT!Sansa tried to be so mature and proper, but now that she’s older, she’s remembering how good and freeing it was just to be a kid. But let’s not act like this part of the story is over. Jeyne is still very much alive and seems likely to run into Arya in Braavos. We can almost be 100% certain that Sansa will find out the truth about what happened to Jeyne and what Littlefinger did to her (and her parents), then watch out. Sansa will turn all that buried pain into a righteous fury at Littlefinger.  

Now as for Sansa being mean for “no reason.” Um... yeah, LOL. Sometimes she’s just a total unwarranted bitch to her sister, and it’s not meant to be a good look. Sometimes she’s superficial, insufferably immature and annoying, judgmental and prejudiced AND THAT’S OKAY. I mean, she sounds no better or worse than your average middle-schooler if they were of the privileged nobility. Guess what? Sometimes preteens are really like that. Sometimes siblings have ugly, knockdown drag out fights where they say horrible things to each other. Most will grow past those phases and still wind up just as loving and close. It’s realistic and believable. Sansa has flaws, but they aren’t deep moral flaws. She does an amazing job at growing, learning, and overcoming those flaws over the course of the books. In TWOW, she’s warm and affectionate with people, easy-going, nonjudgmental, and genuinely more mature than ever. She took the stick out of her ass and became a happier person for it. What’s the problem? What did you want her to be? Perfect? Unfailingly kind and loved by everyone all the time? She’d be a saint, not a multifaceted human being. Even with her occasional ugly side, Sansa is still a strong, smart, compassionate badass. I don’t care if some people don’t like her as she is written or if they vilify her with their misinterpretations or ignore her strengths. What bearing does that have on GRRM’s vision for her character? He never set out to write any character that the whole fandom would either unanimously love or hate.    

This is not bad writing. This NOT bad writing. This is GOOD writing.

*Sigh* Listen... this whole nonsense about Sansa being to blame for Ned’s demise has been going on since ASOIAF was written on clay tablets. You don’t have to listen to every stupid thing the fandom says about anything. It’s just factually wrong. End of story. This misinterpretation and reader inattentiveness is not GRRM’s fault, because he lays out all the details of everything that went down between Arya, Ned, and Sansa’s POV as it was happening. It’s totally understandable why an upset and frustrated Sansa would go to Cersei, the mother figure she implicitly trusts and admires. She didn’t go to Cersei to betray her father’s plans. She went to the queen to intercede in what she thought had to be some big misunderstanding, having no idea what was really going on or at stake. 

This is not OOC for her to go to Cersei after Lady’s death. The hand that killed Lady was her own father’s, a undeniable breach of trust that wounded their relationship. Ned just doesn’t really do a lot to deal with the emotional aftermath either. Ned and Sansa are very similar in turning a blind eye when confronted with unpleasantness from someone they love. Ned is also at that moment disillusioned with Robert’s failure to do the right thing after the Trident incident. He begs Robert in the name of their brotherly love and the love he bore Lyanna, and Robert turns his back on Ned anyway. Yet Ned immediately goes right back to believing in the best of Robert’s nature, despite all evidence to the contrary. Every sign points to this being a one-sided friendship with Robert being lazy, irresponsible, and completely selfish. Like father, like daughter. Sansa has a very hard time accepting that Joffrey and Cersei are not the people she thought they were, even when she’s seen some cracks. And since she can’t understand her father’s actions and the communication has been shot to hell between them, of course she runs to Cersei with her problems. Cersei can flip a switch and pretend to be kind, loving, and understanding. 

This is so typical of a teenage thought process:  “Dad just doesn’t understand and he’s making a big mistake. I don’t understand why he’s doing this. He doesn’t get how important this is to me. This will all work out if a sympathetic adult steps in and fixes it. Everything will turn out great and we’ll all be happy.” While Sansa is pouring her heart out about how it isn’t fair she can’t say goodbye to Joffrey, Cersei pretends to be that sympathetic mother figure that really understands her. How hard would it be then to pump Sansa for information? Like “Oh my sweet little dove. I know how much you love my son. Don’t worry. I’ll help you straighten this out. You said your father wants to send you away? How? When? What’s the name of that ship again?”  

And that line from Cersei’s POV is horseshit. Cersei is a liar and regularly lies in her POV to absolve herself of responsibility and force the blame entirely on others. In this case, Cersei is acting like she didn’t totally manipulate a trusting child to betray her.  We also know this is a lie because Ned was the one that told her himself of his plans to reveal the invest and remove her as queen. Sansa had nothing to do with that. All Sansa did was give Cersei information that allowed Cersei the opportunity to take her hostage before the girls could leave by ship. Cersei’s plans against Ned were already well underway. Sansa never came to her with the intent of knowingly betraying anyone, but she did have selfish reasons for going to the queen to complain in the first place. GRRM said himself that Sansa wasn’t to blame for Ned’s capture or death, but she did play a role in the events that transpired. That’s fair. All that makes her is a kid who made a not entirely innocent mistake, but a mistake nonetheless, which she immediately learned from. Does she trust Cersei or Joffrey again? Hell no.  

Relax, anon. It’s fine for her to not be nice all the time. It’s fine for her to have some realistic, garden variety flaws. It’s one of the most universal human mistakes to fall too hard and fast for the wrong person, act the fool over them despite all the red flags, only to realize you only saw what you wanted to see in them. And Sansa learned this lesson at eleven when some adults haven’t learned it at all. Relax. She’s a great, well-written, relatable character who has overcome most of these issues successfully.  

[nothorses]

So I have a question/something I'd like your input on, since I feel like you'd have something interesting to say about this.

Anyways, some background: i'm in a child and youth care program in a rather left leaning, relatively progressive college, in a rather left leaning/progressive city.

It's actually been a very validating experience so far--I feel so much more accepted here then at my last school, which, while it was located relatively close to the city, had a rather more conservative student body and faculty. I had to fight for accomodation and acceptance, and I didn't end up going to my convocation since, when I had asked, they said they wouldn't call my prefered name when I'd get the certificate at the ceremony, or use the right name on it (they made it seem that their hands were completely tied, even though I know of other schools who've done this exact thing, incl the school I'm at now, without needing proof of a legal name change).

Anyways, at this school, i'm even having instructors I don't even know well going to bat for me and using their connections to get the help I needed when I was having trouble with my name being displayed wrong in the online classroom. Like, thank god for having CYC's as profs, right?

So, to my point: one of our classes is all about inclusion and anti oppressive practices. It's literally the name of the class. I actually enjoy the class a fair bit--despite classes being virtual, my class is sharing a lot and there's a lot of bonding and openness going on in the virtual lecture space. It's encouraged me to be open about my own troubles as a trans person, and people have been v supportive.

In a recent lecture, we start talking about the different terms of discrimination against various groups that face oppression (like, racism, albleism, etc). So she asks us: what is the term for discrimination against trans people? And I say Transphobia. Because that's the term I see most often, and the one I say myself. Apparently the Proper term now is cissexism (or cisgenderism?), and I got chided for saying transphobia.

I went and turned my mic on and basically said that I feel like transphobia is the term the general population is only Just started to take seriously, and the instructor argued that as we're in an academic circle, and as CYCs, it's our job to use the most progressive terms to move things forward, and that we shouldn't be conflating the discrimination trans people face with a phobia. Since, not only does it validate the fear of trans people, but it's not fair to those that have legitimate phobias.

I dropped it there, but I was brave and I asked to speak with the instructor after class.

During that talk, I pretty much said that it's hard being probably the only trans person in at least first year, and being visible and open as one, and having to be told the "right" term to use for my own experiences. She could relate, she said, as she's a black woman, and have faced probably similar experiences from white people correcting her on terms she uses for her own experiences. She did say though, as she's in the role of an instructor, it is her job to educate herself, think on what they're saying, and potentially make changes to her language.

But, she also said she can't speak for my experiences, and she won't make me change my language.

I was appreciative, and I talked about things I've personally faced, and how, even just 10 years ago, trans people were treated so frequently as a joke. Even on screen deaths were funny in media. I brought up that the trans panic defense was still considered a valid defense to use in court not long ago (and still probably is in some places), and someone won a case recently that way. Even just the term "transphobia" is only just recently been taken seriously, in my eyes, while before it was often brushed off as not a legitimate concern. Even when I was first coming out, I was told I was just confused, or trans people were just doing it for attention. I still face open glares sometimes, purposeful misgendering, fights with my sister about some of her transphobic views she refuses to question... And while it was hard to be that vulnerable, the conversation ended on a very good note.

I personally don't feel ready to change this language. But I don't really know if I was in the right to argue all of this. I'm only one trans person, I don't want to talk over those who've probably fought to switch the language away from "transphobia" as the valid term. But, i'm in an awkward position of being an unofficial spokesperson as the token trans guy in the class, talking to a lot of folks who've admitted I am the first trans person they've met. So, i dunno, i'm weird with conflict and I was wondering what you're thoughts were on all of this.

This is kind of a tricky one for a lot of reasons, tbh? And I have... a few thoughts. This is already super long, so under the cut it goes!

The first thing is that “transphobia” and “cissexism” aren’t actually interchangeable; they’re different concepts. “Transphobia” refers to bigotry against trans people or transness in general, while “cissexism” or “cisgenderism” is appealing to (or is) the wider system of oppression. (x)

That’s not to say those words are actually used that way in practice, because they’re not, and I certainly don’t use them that way every time either. Like you said, “transphobia” is the word people more often understand. When I’m writing for or talking to audiences that don’t already have a strong background in trans theory, I stick to “transphobia” for clarity’s sake.

But if you’re positioning yourself as an educational authority on the subject, and even going so far as to correct trans people on those terms- you should know that. If your question is “which term refers to discrimination against trans people?”, your answer is reliant upon how you choose to define “discrimination” in that context.

It’s also reasonable to assume people would answer with the first term if they don’t know both of them, and what she’s set up sounds like an unfair “gotcha!” meant to cow uninformed cis people.

And tbh, I take issue with that. There’s a great essay on this- The Cycle of Socialization by Bobbie Harro. The core of this cycle, which allows oppression to continue and encourages its perpetuation, includes confusion and insecurity: oppression is complex, and big, and people are afraid of taking a stand and doing it wrong. They are insecure in their knowledge and position, and afraid that if they try, they’ll get it wrong, and they’ll be punished. So they stay silent. What is that “gotcha!” moment doing except enforcing that fear and silence?

The other thing here are her reasons for using “cissexism” instead. She’s absolutely right that there is dialogue about what terms to use, and her listed reasons are informed and well-educated. I don’t know how I feel about the discussion myself, honestly, as I’ve seen it from the start and I’ve watched it play out for multiple years.

I don’t know if I agree that it’s ableist, part of that being that the “-phobic” thing was originally created as a “compassionate justification” for people’s bigotry against gay people (though there is the “-misic/misia” replacement for “-phobia” if you prefer). That’s still problematic for different reasons; like she said, it might validate bigotry as “fear”. “Cissexism” illustrates bigotry as enforcing a system rather than being honestly rooted in feelings, and that’s generally a good thing, imo.

But, y’know, “transphobia” is what people readily understand, and punishing people for using it is counterproductive. Using “transphobia” as a starting point for a discussion and an understanding is helpful, too; it connects these ideas back to what people already know. It meets them where they are. If you want to add “cissexism” to their vocabulary from there, please do! But that shouldn’t be rooted in shame.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but I thought I’d throw out what seemed to be the core of the issue to me, in case it resonated with you. If you still feel weird about the interaction, it might be worth it to address that with her again; she seems like she’s genuinely trying, and cares, and like she’s open to making changes. If nothing else, you might be able to sort out what’s still bugging you and address it as a feelings issue, rather than a language one, if that works better for you.

Good luck! And sorry for the super long answer, lol.

[frostedroyaltea]

The Mystery of the Alexandrite Family

Ryan: This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved we will be discussing the mystery of the Alexandrite family. Now this one is different from others we’ve done-”

Shane: Why?

Ryan: You’ve got to let me tell you. Now this one is a bit strange, because of who survived, and what he may have done following it.

Shane: Well let’s hear it. 

Ryan: So I don’t have the exact date since they were hard to find and most of these articles have been translated from Russian-

Shane: Ooh. Is this going to be like the one about the Romanov family?

Ryan: No. Weell. No. So this happened in a rather wealthy village in Russia, Река Слез (Reka Slez). In about the late 90s. One night people broke into the Alexandrite’s family home. The neighbours called for help after hearing gunshots. Vera and Edmon Alexandrite were found dead in the living room, each from multiple gunshot wounds. Their son, Ivan, was found unconscious and injured on the edge of the woods the family had on their property. 

Shane: They must’ve been rich. Just having a forest on the property.

Ryan: Yeah.

Ryan clears his throat.

Ryan: Later, an investigation revealed large amounts of money were missing from security vaults kept in the home offices.

Shane: Offices? Plural? What’d they do for a living? 

Ryan: That actually has to do with one of the theories. Along with the money whoever killed them also took with them - 

The video cuts to Ryan reading off a list

“- different ornaments, like decorations. Other things that were stolen include jewelry, just jewels and gems in general - 

Shane holds a hand up. “Hold up, they just had gems laying around?”

Ryan shrugs. “I guess? None of the reports specified where they were in the house just that they were stolen.”

“And they didn’t have any weapons or a dog at least? No security system? What did they expect to happen?”

“I don’t know. No weapons were found in the house besides kitchen knives. They could have been hidden though. There were other things stolen though-

“What? What else would they have?”

“Paintings,” Ryan says and Shane shakes his head a bit at him. “The missing paintings were never identified though, so the family probably never bought any, just painted them themselves or got them from friends or family.”

“How did they know the family didn’t buy the paintings?

“They scanned the other paintings for those ID chips and didn’t find any. I’m guessing they assumed the others weren’t bought as well.”

“So is this about the paintings?”

Ryan half-laughs. “No. Not quite. It does tie into one of the theories though.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Ryan looks directly at the camera. “Now, back to Ivan…”

The screen goes back to black, showing pictures of a different family and a timeline.

Ryan: Extended family took Ivan in. His mother's cousins, the Bauxite’s. For three years he was under their care until - and wait until you hear this - they left Russia. 

Shane: Did they take Ivan with them?

Ryan: No, and that’s the thing, he was left with no way of ever finding or contacting them again.

Shane: How old was he?

Ryan: Thirteen, I believe. 

Shane: Jesus. Is he still alive?

Ryan: Yeah.

Shane: He know we’re doing this?

Ryan: Yeah. I asked him to make sure it’s okay. He said I probably wouldn’t find anything but he didn’t care.

Shane: You know him?

Ryan: No. He has social media, Shane. Anyway his entire extended family just up and leaves when he’s thirteen. No one really knows where they are though, or why they left.

Shane: Was it investigated?

Ryan: Yeah. There were no signs of struggle or forced entry in their house. It was just all of a sudden. Or any of the houses.

Shane: Poor kid… That’s horrible.

Ryan: No kidding.

Shane: Everyone left?

Ryan: Everyone who was directly related to his parents. So his aunts, uncles, cousins.

Shane: Grandparents?

Ryan: I think they might have already been dead when this was happening. I can’t imagine anyone letting that happen to their family and if they were the oldest… Any the next two years are a bit unclear, I think he was mostly staying in orphanages then.

Shane: Wait- so did the people who killed his parents… did they have to do with the rest of the family’s disappearance?

Ryan: Maybe. We’ll get to that. They do think that the Russian mob killed Vena and Edmon though. Ivan wasn’t able to identify anyone but he said he’s positive the mob had something to do with it. This will also be relevant later.

Shane: Isn’t it solved then?

Ryan: No. When he was fifteen he was taken in by a family in America. Everything was kind of quiet up until two years later when he would have been 17.

Shane: So is the mystery about this Ivan guy?

Ryan: Kind of. His parents too. You’ll see why.

Shane: What happened when he was 17? Also, what happened to all his parents' money and the rest of their stuff? Wouldn’t it have been given to him at that point?

Ryan: About the money, that’s actually part of one of the theories so I’ll get to that later. And about what was happening when he was 17… Some people following the case saw that he had gotten a tattoo. It’s a circle with a dot in the middle of it, it’s known as “The Roundstone.” It indicates the person is an orphan and it also is known to mean “Trust only yourself.”

Shane: Rough. But it’s really just a tattoo.

Ryan: Not any tattoo Shane. It is a common tattoo among vory v zakone, or, as they are better known, the Russian mob.

Shane. Wait. What?

The video shows them both at the table.

“Yeah,” Ryan says. “Isn’t it crazy?”

“So this guy says he thinks the Russian mob killed his family, and then he goes and joins them?”

“Maybe. Maybe he just likes the irony of it.”

“That’s…”

“I know. It gets weirder.”

“Of course it does.”

The screen goes to black and two pictures come on screen. One is labelled ‘Anatoly’ and the other is labelled ‘Vladimir.’

Ryan: Around the same time and after he was seen interacting with Anatoly Ranskahov and Vladimir Ranskahov, two very well known members of the Russian mob.

Shane: Couldn’t they have to do with his parents' murders though? Why would he be talking to them?”

Ryan: They couldn’t have killed his parents. When the Alexandrite’s were killed the Ranskahov’s would have been in jail, both on a three year sentence that they did, surprisingly, complete.

Shane: Why is it surprising?

Ryan: Because they later escaped a different prison in 2007 after only having been there for a few years and they still had quite a lot of time left on their sentences. 

Shane: Strange. 

Ryan: Yeah it is. Anyway, he was seen with known and suspected members a few times. At one point he was also seen with Oliver Queen, and not looking at all happy about it. 

Shane: Does Oliver Queen have something to do with this? Ryan: It’s not likely, there isn’t enough evidence to prove that he does.

Shane: Where are you going with this?

Ryan: I’m getting there. About five years later he was seen leaving a mechanic where he supposedly worked at the time. Someone saw that he had a new tattoo, one that looked fresh.

Shane: Fresh? How does a tattoo look fresh?

Ryan: I don’t know. That’s what they said. Anyway, it’s of a cat wearing a hat-”

The video shows Shane laughing. “The cat in the hat?”

“No!” Ryan laughs too. “No. More like Puss in Boots.”

“Oh. So like Shrek.”

“Aah… Not quite. The cat that uses trickery and deceit to gain wealth and power. So. Not as cute as the ‘Puss’ from Shrek. It’s supposedly a traditional sign of the thieves, or vory.”

“So ‘vory’ is ‘thieves’ in Russian?”

“Yes.” “What’s ‘thief’ then?”

“…”

“What is it, Ryan?”

“I don’t want this to get demonetized. V-O-R. Figure it out yourself.”

“Oh. So this puss in boots is a Russian thief tattoo?”

“Supposedly.”

“You didn’t ask Ivan to confirm their meanings or if he even has them at all? Are there any pictures of these supposed tattoos?”

“I actually did ask. He does have the Roundstone one.”

“Well did he confirm its meaning?”

“Yes.”

“What about the cat in the hat?”

“No. He just said,” Ryan slides his phone across the table to show Shane, “and I quote, ‘LOL. Nope.’ and didn’t say anything else. Anyway, at the time he was leaving the mechanic he would have been about 22 years old.”

“So there are these random people creeping him on the internet?”

“I guess. Now on to the theories!”

The screen cuts to black. The words ‘Theory One’ come up on screen. 

Shane: If you say this ten-year-old kid somehow orchestrated his parents murder-

Ryan: No! No. The first theory comes from Ivan himself and what the authorities suspect. He said he would use to hear his parents talk, talk about people who threatened them and what to do about it. He thinks the mafia was interested in his parents' money and they were threatening his parents into handing it over. 

This is probably the most likely one considering how wealthy his parents were and neither of them had an extensive criminal record.

Shane: So the money… How would they have gotten it? What did they do for work?

Ryan: Right! Theory two then. Some people think at one point his parents were involved with, or part of, the mafia and that’s how they ended up so wealthy. They kept a lot of locked up documents in the offices. Some of them were even coded. Some people also think the stolen paintings might have had codes hidden in them and that’s why the mob chose to take those paintings instead of the others. It would also explain why they were killed- easiest way to shut someone up.

Shane: What about Ivan? Wouldn’t the ones he was with try to kill him?

Ryan: Not exactly. The Rusian mob’s hierarchy isn’t very well documented and it’s more… fluid, I guess, then other mafias are. The two groups might not even know each other.

Shane: So the Alexandrite’s were involved with the mob? Ryan: It’s possible. They’re dead so we can’t ask them, Ivan was too young to know which is why he might be alive, and no one would want to come forward with information since it would likely end with them in prison. Also, this case is still technically under investigation, it’s why Ivan can’t get any of his parents fortune. If it’s dirty blood money then the authorities would need to know that before handing it over to Ivan.

Shane: That’d be tough. Going through all that… So is Ivan part of the mob then? Ryan: I don’t know.

Shane: What about the will? Wouldn’t they have one? Especially since the mob was threatening them. And why wouldn’t they go to the police or invest in some sort of alarm system or security?

Ryan: That’s why people think they were once in the mob. And it wouldn’t be safe to raise a kid into a mob- which might be why they left. The video shows both of them still at the table. Ryan is looking at Shane. “What do you think Shane?”

“I think the mob was definitely involved in some way. Were those the only theories?”

“Yeah. It was hard to get my hands on anything else since it’s still an ongoing investigation.”

“Did they ask Ivan anything?”

“He didn’t really remember anything. A night like that would be traumatic to anyone, especially a little kid.”

“How old is he now?”

“About 25 I think.”

The screen shows pictures of the Alexandrite house and the surrounding houses.

Ryan: What happened that fateful night would turn into a lifetime of mystery and wondering. Anyone who truly knows what happened is now dead or won’t be coming forward. For now, this case is Unsolved.

The word ‘Unsolved’ in red bold letters appears on screen and fades away as the video shows Shane and Ryan.

“The mob definitely did it,” Shane says.

“Oh yeah.”

“Think they’ll ever find out who did it?”

“Probably. Who knows, maybe we’ll be coming back to this.” 

“Maybe we will.”

------------------------------------------

I plan on doing the Post Mortem Q&A for this so if anyone has any questions they'd like to ask feel free to do so in the comments. if you don't want me to use your username just put that in the comment too.

[vivisgn]

hi hello, it’s me! your local loser! (´,,•ω•,,)♡ my name is kitty, 22, gmt+4, and this is my loser child vivi! we are ready to plot, my dudes! but like. slowly because i’m v slow at getting to stuff lmao (i’ll get to messages by tomorrow hopefully, but thank you for the very warm welcome! ♡) okay so i’ll be listing out some (note: a lot) info and plots below! like this post if you’d like me to approach you to plot! i also have a discord for easier communication uwu

okay first up! here’s some basic info:

her real name is feifei but nobody calls her that. she doesn’t acknowledge that name at all lol she only goes by vivi

born and raised in amsterdam, the netherlands, but her family moved to china when she was 10. her family owns a multinational investment bank and financial services company, which happens to be the fourth largest bank in the world so you know her family’s loaded af. however, she’s not close at all with her parents and was mostly raised by her aunt who is a principal dancer in the netherlands.

she has a brother (a possible open connection? tho i’m also fine with him staying as an npc) who was heavily favoured by her parents due to him displaying the qualities needed to take over their company in the future, and vivi was kinda just yeeted? yote? to her aunt’s lmaooo

lied to her parents and said that she’ll be studying university in the netherlands, but went to korea instead without telling them which later on led to her mom finding out and visiting her during the last few days of her senior year. she was disowned at that night and disappeared the next day so that’s the tea here if you were curious haha

homeschooled all her life and never had many friends so she was awkward af when she first entered uni, but eventually became miss congeniality

okay enough about background stuff! vivi is little miss sunshine who tends to be an overachiever. always on top of her studies and part of so many clubs and sports teams (though she did drop a couple of them in the beginning of her first year as a grad student) but she will always find time to be a friend to everyone and help out when she can! need tutoring on some subjects? you’re out of town and you missed the last bus back to campus? just need a friend who will listen to your woes and worries? she’s finding a way to fit you into her busy schedule. she’s got you.

very girly, but also sporty af! as mentioned, she’s part of a lot of active sports and clubs, and also knows how to skateboard. also a major health buff so you’d see her at the gym pretty often and running laps around the quad at 6 am. 

ever since she came back for graduate school, she’s been a bit different. maybe casual friends wouldn’t notice, but her cheerfulness came off a bit forced and she would space out more often. she also started partying a lot and drinking and overall hanging out with some people who aren’t the best influence on her. also got a couple of tattoos and piercings but nobody’s seen them yet.

flies to the netherlands during breaks between semesters. she’s a bit of a celebrity there (mostly because of her aunt) and does some modeling every now and then, but people in korea don’t know about that side of her.

people don’t know anything about her family. they also don’t know about her getting disowned because she’s not the type to open up to anyone. 

that’s all i can think of right now, but if you have any questions, don’t be afraid to hmu!

now for some plots and connections:

her penpal! she had a penpal when she was younger, either while she was still based in the netherlands or when she moved to beijing. they kept correspondence for many years and they are the reason why vivi chose to study in south korea.

a best friend or the person who’s been the closest to her throughout their school life. maybe they understand that vivi’s going through something right now and is just supporting her, or their relationship might be strained because she refuses to tell them anything about what happened and why she just disappeared all of a sudden.

an accidental confidante! a person that she spilled everything to when she had a little too much to drink one time and it just got. a lil emotional. and messy. vivi doesn’t remember that she told them them anything, so it’s up to your muse if they’ll tell her about what they know or if they’ll tell other people.

someone who’s in the know. they know about their family and her situation because their families run around the same social circle. were they the one that snitched on vivi, and that’s how her parents found out that she was in korea? or they an observer, or perhaps a friend that she could talk to when there’s simply too much to bottle up?

a road trip buddy, perhaps? she tends to go on out of town drives during weekends when she’s free, sometimes to go hiking or camping, other times just to sight see. she usually does these things alone, but she doesn’t mind someone coming along occasionally. they’ll get to ride on her aston martin one-77 and she might give them the aux cord if she likes their music taste lol

and a workout buddy, too! someone she can work out with or accompany her during her early morning runs

people that she tutors! anything related to business/physics/languages, she’s your girl.

the wrong crowd. the bad influences in her life that introduced a couple of new vices to her, always bringing her to parties, etc.

a one night stand that she had during a particularly bad night when she just wanted to feel something - anything. regretted it as soon as it was done and ended up avoiding them the entire year - unless...?

the confused lmao it would have been around her freshman year or so and she ended up accidentally speaking dutch to them and the person ended up thinking that she only spoke that language. could have lasted for days or weeks because vivi is a Fool™ who would not have known how to make it clear to them that hey,,, she actually spoke korean too ahaha but ye it took a while before she came clean and they still have a good laugh about it to this day

okay that’s all for now! i know this is a lot haha but this is what i have while i work on her complete background and plots page. feel free to message me if you see a plot that you’re interested in or if she somehow fits one of the plots/connections you need for your muse(s)! for now i sleep bc i have an early day tomorrow, but i’ll get to these + the messages soon uwu thank u for reading and take care! ♡

[richmond-rex]

🌹🌹 - If I’m not too late!

Oh, you’re definitely not late! I was here thinking to myself which excerpt I could post without giving too many spoilers away, and I remember I wrote the first chapter of a character study about Cardinal Beaufort on the days before my thesis’ viva—I needed to decompress and I couldn’t possibly try to write my usual fics and characters because nothing would come out right. But I had no emotional attachment to Henry Winchester whatsoever besides a mere curiosity and for once I wanted the challenge of writing a devious, cunning character. The fic is entitled Four Kings, Five Scenes and each chapter was supposed to portray the cardinal during four different reigns: King Richard II (ch 1), King Henry IV (ch 2), King Henry V (ch 3), King Henry VI (ch 4) and King Henry VI again (ch 5). Obviously, I realised that no one would want to read this story lol. It really was the stress of the moment that made me write the first chapter. Well, since I’m not going to publish it anywhere and the chapter is fairly small compared to my usual chapter length (5k or more), you can read it here below the cut! Tagging @nuingiliath because she might be interested as well.

OLD TEMPLE, HOLBORN

Late September 1398

“Tell me what I ought to do, brother.”

Henry Beaufort, newly-appointed Bishop of Lincoln, rolled the episcopal ring on his finger—amethyst flaring under the sunlight—and let out an exasperated, long-held sigh. He could see its tracking ascendence in the air, the way the dust specks caught in the sunbeam would spiral and dance. Though old as its very name suggested, Old Temple was still one of the finest episcopal houses in London, bought for the exclusive use of the bishops of Lincoln after the Knights Templar decided to move within the borders of the City. A dusty residence it might be, but it was still one of the various privileges acquired after Henry’s consecration, or perhaps more importantly, his legitimisation. Everything was coming together, and yet, all hung at the brink of destruction.

“You are the eldest of us, John,” Lincoln replied, voice softening. “It is for you to lead us once Father is gone.”

His brother turned from the arched window, face twisting into a frown. He looked lost, utterly and completely lost, the tip of his red chaperon thrown over one shoulder as if the very fabric was trapping him in place or threatening to coil around his neck and squeeze out his breath.

“You’re the family’s clergyman.” He entreated, stepping closer. “Tell me, brother. What would God have me do?”

It was Lincoln’s turn to frown. By then the morning had given way to noon and the bishop had just finished donning his purple robes, a gold-threaded stole hanging from either side of his neck. It was almost time for Lincoln to resume his administrative duties concerning his diocese—let not anyone claim Henry Beaufort had earned his mitre by bribery and favouritism. He ran a hand along his tonsured head—he still had to send for his zucchetto hat to be brought to him—and paused in that pensive state, partially choosing what to say and partially assessing when he should schedule another shaving.

“God would have you love your brother—” He clasped his hands before his stomach, magnanimously. “—and obey your king.”

It was the first opportunity the two Beauforts had to discuss Bolingbroke’s banishment from the kingdom. It was an urgent matter: Henry Bolingbroke was Duke of Hereford and Earl of Derby, and—that was the most important piece of information—their father’s rightful heir. He was to inherit the large possessions and prodigious fortune that belonged to the Duke of Lancaster, the richest man in the realm—or so it had seemed, at least until the moment King Richard sent him into exile. The king had not mentioned his Lancastrian inheritance but as all invisible things, it still had its own weight, it still cast its own shadow. Lancaster himself was no less worried for the omission of the matter. It hung heavily, unresolved, in the air. 

His brother John, lately elevated from his earldom of Somerset to the marquessate of Dorset, resumed his speech after a brief moment of consideration.

“I say Bolingbroke is a good Christian, brother. He has vowed to defend the faithful and I know he means well and true.” 

John would know, the two of them had gone crusading together. While John, Bolingbroke and Swynford were bonding over tournaments and military expeditions, young Henry had his head buried deep in manuscripts and missals. For a time it had been a fancy of Henry’s to imagine himself a Knight Templar fighting for the kingdom of Christ in the Holy Land: the armour, the tabard and the red cross, entire armies under his command as a Grand Master. A child’s fancy, yes, for the Templars were no more—yet there Lincoln stood, at the very place those brothers had once called home. There was a rightness to it, a taste he could feel at the very tip of his tongue. Lancaster might have arranged for the trio of brothers to be admitted into the Confraternity at Lincoln’s Cathedral but it was he—Henry Beaufort—the one chosen to command the entire diocese now. 

His brother John didn’t even seem to notice his state of reminiscence. He kept talking, his words coming to Lincoln’s ears in all of their ardour again.

“—I didn’t speak for Uncle Gloucester at the time and now it weighs on my conscience! Worse, brother, I condemned him! I called for his very arrest!”

“Woodstock was a traitor of the realm.” The bishop deadpanned. “It was your duty as a peer to call for his arrest. You know that as well as I d—”

A boy holding his purple zucchetto was just about to enter the room. The bishop dismissed him with a sharp turn of his head, shooed him away with a glare and a quick motion of his hand. The boy scurried away, his hurried steps echoing on the flagstones. Lincoln frowned, pressed his lips into a thin line: his own brusqueness had displeased him. He should be nobler in his actions, loftier, gentler even, a true shepherd of Christ. As he turned, he saw John had already stepped back to the window. Once again, he didn’t seem to have noticed any commotion around him.

“Be as it may, this time is different.” John restarted. “Our brother has done no wrong against the king. There is only one explanation for this—” John stopped short before he went further, checking himself at the very last minute. He didn’t utter the word, but it hovered just above them, somewhere over their heads. Retribution. Vengeance for the time Bolingbroke joined the Lords Appellant and rebelled against cousin Richard. One by one those rebels had been crushed.

The glass panels tinted his brother’s face with green, spots of red covered his face as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. Shocking blue, poisonous red, a liquid green so fresh one could almost drink. 

“It was cruel to make him fight Mowbray to the death, but there was still honour in it. There’s no honour to be found in exile.” He closed his eyes. “He has six children, Henry.”

This time the bishop’s reply was swift. “Father will take care of them. As will we if it comes to such an end. We shall support the family as we always have.”

John, still looking very much disheartened, acceded with a small nod. “You know,” he smiled weakly, eyes growing distant like a far-away ship. “I used to look up to him when I was little. All I ever wanted was to be like Bolingbroke, a true son of Lancaster.”

The sensation was familiar to the bishop himself, only his brother still seem to hold to that boyish memory as his heart’s truest wish, even now that his aspirations were supported by law: standing there at the bishop’s residence, John was dressed in Lancaster blue and white, their father’s SS livery collar hung over his shoulders, the S-shaped links crafted in pure gold and held closely together. 

A sting of bittersweetness washed over the bishop. What if… what if the king had Bolingbroke attainted? Surely, King Richard was unpredictable those days—no one had been quite able to placate his moods ever since Queen Anne had died—but if the king did attaint their brother, neither he nor his children would be authorised to inherit Lancaster’s lands and title. Perhaps… perhaps King Richard would choose to pass them over to Lancaster’s next legitimate male heir, in that case, his brother John himself.

“Dear brother, why do you choose to dwell in such sorrowful thoughts? Father loves you best.”

John turned to him sharply. “You cannot know such a thing!”

Oh, the plain irony of watching his brother’s face turned into a scowl that mirrored exactly the one their father was famous to possess! John had Lancaster’s same strong nose, as did the bishop himself, yet now at his anger, his brother had turned into the very picture of John of Gaunt. It was oftentimes that natural children would have their sire’s face if not his name, as if it was an underhanded way of nature to compensate for their social ostracism.

“He does.” The bishop repeated in a firm voice. He clasped his hands, a position that gave him reassurance in difficult situations. “Recall that Father has done everything in his power to make us his true children. He appealed to Parliament and His Holiness the Pope Himself, he moved mountains to secure our charts of legitimisation. All this time, he has extensively defended our cause to the king. Now, that same king has banished his heir from the land and the Duke of Lancaster poses no resistance. Why do you think that is?”

It was not exactly true, but it was what his brother needed to hear. Lancaster had, in fact, negotiated with the king to the best of his abilities, a piece of information that the bishop suspected his brother John knew already. The Marquess of Dorset was, after all, well-placed within cousin Richard’s circle. A more credible point against the bishop’s claim would be, however, that the Duke of Lancaster rarely ever showed his true emotions, fatherly or otherwise. It would be impossible to say whom he loved best.

“If Father will not risk his head over this matter, John—John, my beloved John! Heed my words now. You should not risk your own!”

John looked at him with such heaviness it bore into the bishop’s own soul. Henry walked over to his brother and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“You have a good heart, John. It is loyal and true and it bears testament to your character, but it will get you killed. Remember who gave you your earldom of Somerset, who made you marquess of Dorset, knight of the Garter, who married you to that illustrious lady, the king’s own niece. He who appointed you as Constable of Dover—”

“—Warden of the Cinq Ports, Admiral of the Fleet in the North and West, Lieutenant in Aquitaine, I know, I know!” John took a long breath. “I know. The king, our cousin.”

King Richard himself had fastened the earl’s belt during John’s girding; the king himself had draped the velvet cloak across John’s shoulders. The ceremony had been clear enough: the earl’s power derived from his authority and his authority alone.

The bishop retrieved his hand from his brother’s shoulder slowly, pulled it back inch by inch until it was safely resting against its twin counterpart, flat against his stomach. 

“Father has been unwell. When the Lord deems time to call him to His side again, who will look after us? Remember our brother Tom, so young and not yet a peer. Remember Joan and her children. Remember Mother.”

“No. No, brother, you speak true.” John conceded with a nod. “I can’t endanger your safety nor leave any of you unprotected. I cannot defy the king.”

There was resolution on his face, yet there was sadness as well. The bishop still sought a way of soothing his brother’s heart. “Let me be the one to speak for our brother. Cousin Richard already knows I’ve had my whole diocese pray for him. I stand safer as a prelate than you do as a courtier.”

In a second, his brother gripped his shoulder, displaced the stole hung around the bishop’s neck with a heartiness that surprised him. As though they were mere, simple children again, John smiled in truth at last.

“You have always been the wisest of us, brother. Yet,” He looked down,chuckled. “Yet sometimes I still remember that boy who vowed to God he would become pope.”

Bishop Beaufort felt his lips quirk up—a genuine, delicious thrill elicited by the memory—and so, accordingly, he lowered his eyelids in modesty. “All wisdom comes from our Holy Mother, the Church. All grace from God the Lord Almighty and His Son, Christ the Holy Lamb.” His prelate answer given, he glanced up again. “Sometimes I caught myself thinking of that boy as well, dear John, yet times have changed.”

John raised an eyebrow, apparently befuddled. “Have they?” 

“Yes,” The bishop replied, no longer speaking of the ambitions held for a long time inside his heart. “If for the better or for the worse, only the future will tell.”

_______________________ *notes: it’s said that John Beaufort, while still suporting Richard II at the time of Bolingbroke’s invasion, might have played a double game. When he was captured by his brother’s forces and the Percys called for his execution, Henry IV is supposed to have said: “I beseech you do him no harm, for he is my brother, and has always been my friend; see the letter he sent to me in France.” Henry IV later made John Beaufort his Lord Chamberlain.

Henry Beaufort remained close to his brother John up until his last breath. The bishop stayed by his side at St Katherine’s hospital while he was dying. Henry was made executor of John’s will, a mark of deep trust, if not also affection the brothers had for each other. It may explain why Cardinal Beaufort vouched for his nephews, his brother’s children, so fiercely in the coming decades.

[rosalesbeausderholle]

SOCIAL COERCION LITERALLY DOES MAKE PEOPLE GO AGAINST THEIR NATURAL SEXUALITY IT LITERALLY HAPPENS.

That doesn't mean it changes their sexuality, that doesn't mean it makes lesbians be attracted to men, it doesn't. What it means is that it makes some women force themselves despite their lack of attraction to have relationships with men. It is possible for someone to feel coerced to sleep with someone despite being repulsed by them. It actually happens a lot to women sadly, not even just to lesbians, but it happens to lesbians too. It's a by product of living in a very homophobic and misogynistic society of which ngs are victims of, V I C T I M S. I'm not excusing this or saying it's a good thing or even just a part of life, mind you, it is something incredibly tragic and it shows how fucked up our society is with regards to sexuality, homophobia, and consent.

Obviously lesbians NEVER want to sleep with men, we simply do not have the desire to. In a ideal world where there was no homophobia and people were free to live their sexualities no lesbian would, but we don't live in that world. We live in a very misogynistic and lesbophobic one in which there's people who simply aren't in a situation where they simply can't live their sexualities freely. Some people deal with that by staying in the closet, others do their best to blend in, but that they try doesn't mean they're actively enjoying it.

This is not even getting into cases of sexual assault (of which you could argue is all of them because enthusiastic consent can't be given without attraction, but as someone who has not gone through that I will not make that call).

No, lesbians don't do dick no one is arguing that lesbians are attracted to men or like it for fucks sake!!! But there's many lesbians who due to their circumstances have no choice but to pretend to do so. Key word: pretend. And once they're finally free enough to be able to live their natural sexualities the last thing they need is these bullshit purity tests.

Also it's very funny you bring up TRAs because they're currently in a campaign to completely erase lesbian sexuality with the whole cotton ceiling thing, a movement that is massively pressuring young lesbians to accept sex with people who they don't want to have sex with!! A movement that IS and has been making many young women attempt self conversion therapy and that is making some of them accept traumatic relationships and sexual encounters via mass social gaslighting. And they don't even have a community to turn to, run of the mill homophobes hate them, the LGBT community hates them, and when they realize what's happening to them and how they can't change their sexuality no matter how much they try and have to deal with the effects that's left on them, they won't even be able to turn to lesbian community for support because apparently here they're hated to, for daring to be imperfect victims of lesbophobia and misogyny!!!

Well, fucking, done people!!!!

I'm not discussing that there's plenty of actually bi women pretending to be lesbians lol, there's plenty and they're homophobic af, but have some fucking nuance and realize it's really not as black and white as "every lesbian who's ngs is lying!". There's a difference between being proud of being a gold star, you're entitled to that we should be more proud of our sexuality, and going full circle and saying "you simply can't be a lesbian if you aren't gold star" like sorry, the world doesn't deal in absolutes and there's lesbians who had different experiences than you and me.

[theshinsun]

A-Z for honesty hour because I'm an asshole. :D

A - If I’m in love.

...yes. I never thought I would be again, I thought I’d been too hurt and jaded to feel this way again, but against all odds, I’m back to being 17 in full force.

B - Who the last person I talked to on the phone was.

The only one who ever calls me is my mother. And customers at work.

C - How long it’s been since I’ve kissed.

damn, almost a year now… not since my last relationship ended back in October-ish. even then, it was mostly casual pecks idk if we ever seriously made out tbh.

D - If I have a preference for boys or girls.

already answered (twice) but I'll keep going… I've got a definite preference of guys over girls, but I'm also a bi disaster and sometimes it doesn't make a lot of sense why this person is instantly attractive to me while that person isn't. certain aspects of femininity do appeal to me, but weirdly other aspects seem to be a turn-off and I can't always put my finger on what or why. ...that caveat does not apply to masculinity though, even if it's traditionally "masculine" features on a feminine-presenting individual I am 100% down every time.

E - How many holes I have in my ears.

two and a half? I got a third piercing at some point halfway up the lobe but it got infected and scarred over I think. the holes I do have are also stretched (I'm up to 0G now) and I've been meaning to get some more.

F - Give me any options, like ‘hot or cold?’

wasn't given any options, so I guess I'll go with hot or cold lol. I prefer hot, I'm one of those weirdos who loves summer because of the heat and I'll usually take a hot food/drink over a cold one.

G - The last person I said ‘I love you’ to.

my mom, over the phone just now.

H - The last person I hugged.

my roommate. we're not always super touchy-feely with each other but I've been feeling kind of down and she noticed.

I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.

I'm not usually a very jealous person, but the last time I really felt that way… I'd recently broken up with my ex, and they were sitting on someone else's lap and I… felt things. part of the reason I realized I may have made a mistake.

J - Are you insecure. What about?

K - What my full name is

already answered, my first and middle are Jacob Brooks, I'm not putting my last name out there sorry I don't trust like that.

L - If I have siblings.

already answered, I've got two, an older brother and a younger sister.

M - If I forgive betrayal.

I mean, I forgive but I don't forget, ya know? like I'll accept an apology if it's sincere and welcome the person back and never bring it up again, but I'm probably gonna be cautious around them in the future, and not trust them as readily as I would have before.  

N - If you want to know how I treat my friends.

if I call someone my friend it means I really feel close with them, and I treat my friends basically like my family. I try to always be honest and supportive of them, bc I love and appreciate them and just want them to be happy. 

O - If I like my school.

I love my school. the campus is beautiful, the teachers are fantastic, and I just love being there and learning and growing in my classes. I'm really sad this semester is probably going to be mostly online because I really feel like I belong in those studios and on that campus and I miss it.

P - What kind of music I like.

already answered, and it mostly boiled down to all over the fuckin place, so this time… band recommendations, here we go. no you have no say in this.

here, have a clump of random favorite bands off the top of my head: mother mother, bad suns, nothing but thieves, hozier, shearwater, the neighbourhood, steam powered giraffe, rainbow kitten surprise, the oh hellos, gregory alan isakov, caravan palace, mystery skulls, khai dreams, autoheart, muse, silversun pickups, thousand foot krutch, two door cinema club, twenty one pilots, blue october, jukebox the ghost

Q - What the last party I went to was, and when the next will be.

I'm not a partier at All, but I did have a bunch of friends over for the 4th (okay I say a bunch but it was like four people from our usual less-socially distant circle). I have no idea when the next get-together will be, it's kinda hard to plan those kinds of things lately.

R - For me to tell 10 of my curiosities.

the phrasing of this question is weird but I'm gonna assume it means things I'm curious about? let's go with that.

travel. I haven't ever been out of the country and I'd like to see other parts of the world at least at some point in my life.

tattoos. both getting them and learning to do them, it's a niche branch of art that I'm just fascinated by and I might like to do it as a career if I knew more about it.

same thing with being a florist. I'm really drawn to it as a concept and I'm super curious how it works, but I have no idea what kind of… qualifications and whatnot I'd need for that.

 surfing. I'm surrounded by the lifestyle and now kind of own a surfboard, I just want to know what the appeal is.

this may be a bit tmi, but I'm really curious what it's like to have a dick. I don't suppose I'll strictly ever know, but I still really want to… probably one of the biggest things to clue me in that I'm definitely trans is the literal penis envy ngl. 

I've always kind of had a fascination with the ocean, and I'd love to go like, scuba diving or something someday, to see it up close and personal.

I think everyone has the impulse thought of shaving their head at some point. maybe someday I will I don't quite have the balls to do it now.

I've gone this long in my life and never wielded a sword? a travesty. I don't pretend to have the grace to actually know how to use one, but I've like, never even held a real one and the idea interests me a lot.

this one might be slightly morbid curiosity, but I don't think I've ever been like, properly drunk or high before, like I've been tipsy but I've never been wasted, you know? the idea kind of scares me and I don't think I'm going to go out and remedy it, but it's still there, and even if I know it's not a good idea, I do still wonder what that's like.

same vein, maybe even a little darker, but I've got at least a little morbid curiosity about like, death and real danger. again, not planning to act on it At All, but the thought is still lurking in the back of my mind like what if…? you asked for honesty.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

S - 2 habits.

bit of a new habit, but I have a whole ritual of disinfecting groceries when I bring them home, and then disinfecting the door knobs and counters. I don't know if it'll persist after the pandemic is over, but it's already ingrained in me and I don't feel comfortable if I skip it or do  it differently.

I apologize for things that aren't my fault. it's such an instinct at this point to say "sorry" when I'm uncomfortable or anxious that it doesn't even register anymore, even when people tell me not to be sorry, I'm still gonna say it, sorry.

T - 5 things I love unconditionally.

already answered so here's 5 more

my family. if I haven't got my family I haven't got anything, we've got each others' backs and I won't turn on them for anything

my friends. same deal, I owe so much to my friends, I love them, and that won't change no matter what they decide to do or be.

sleep. I love sleep so much, even if it's just an involuntary nap, though for someone who loves it so much I sure don't get enough of it

spotify. I know it has problems, I know there are probably more streamlined/cheaper music streaming services out there, but at this point, I've sunk too much of my time and energy into this one and I'll never give it up

my ocs. I don't talk about them very much on this platform, but I have them, they're my children, and I love them even if they're assholes and never easy to write/draw. 

U - How many texts I send daily.

already answered, the number varies, and sometimes swings drastically between like, 5 and 35 on any given day.

V - 3 big dreams.

graduate art school. it's gonna be a serious undertaking and probably take several more years and a lot of loans at this point, but I'm still determined to get there someday.

someday I want to write a book. I know I've said that before on a different prompt, but it wouldn't be a list of dreams without including this one that I've held onto since childhood. 

this one's kind of vague, but someday… I want to not be afraid anymore. like I want to finally be in a state of mental/financial security so I can live my life without the fear of what's coming next. 

W - An idol.

it's probably really basic to list a youtuber, but I've still gotta go with Chase Ross. the guy was an inspiration and a major source of information and support for me early-on in my transition, and even watching him now I still want to approach life with the pure positive energy and confidence that he has. 

X - If I’ve done something I regret very much.

yes. a couple things, really… some of which I don't think I'll ever be able to make up for.

Y - If I like my town and why.

my current town? yeah, it's got its problems but it's also beautiful and full of life and art and unique energy and I miss the days before the Corona End Times when I could actually go out and enjoy it.

Z - Ask any question you want.

??? I did not receive any specification for this one, and given that I didn't skip even the duplicate answers and this is ridiculously long, this one I'm gonna SKIP.

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on TRH Book 1 Chapter 7

• More YEEHAW with a dash of bachelorette action, a sprinkle of rollin'-in-the-hay (literally) and one big dollop of "oh we're poor" to set up for next week's chapter.

• Screenshot credits:

Hana: @pixieferry

Drake: @thefirstcourtesan and BizzysChoices YouTube channel (@thefirstcourtesan also sent screenshots for Penelope's dancing scene from her Liam MC playthrough).

Maxwell: @thethots-plicken

• These are the tags you can block if you don’t want to see these posts: #long post, #trh quick thoughts, #trh qts, #trh qt reblogs.

• This is the only chapter that could potentially have no men in it, and you deliberately force the focus away from Hana? Now if that doesn't sound like the TRR writing team then I don't know what does.

• Why is Madeleine here? Go climb a pine tree in Fydelia or something.

• If you're going to give Drake a whole extended family, PB, at least get the family straight? Who is Leona, is she Bianca's sister? Jackson's sister? WHOSE SISTER IS SHE.

• Title: A Night Out In the Town

Alternative Title: The Mandatory Annual Courtly Maidens Meetup

Alternative to the Alternative Title: Hana Lee and the Audacity of this Bitch

(you know which one)

• This chapter works mostly for the nostalgia factor. There's plenty of it in these scenes.

• Bachelor parties and bachelorettes have pretty much been a long-standing tradition in TRR - there's always going to be that one chapter where someone gets a sendoff via a wild party (exactly how wild really depends on whoever is throwing it). The MC meets most of the original gang (except Hana) at Liam's bachelor party, and there have been at least 5 bachelor/bachelorette parties in the series so far (counting this one). I won't be surprised if they gave Penelope a dude in TRR Book 3 just for the express purpose of having another excuse to have another bachelorette party next book.

• The one really good thing about this chapter? It's that Hana will not stand for any nonsense from Madeleine:

She's not going to pretend Madeleine deserves to hold any space among her circle of friends, or even of acquaintances. She's not going to allow Madeleine to get away with not following the rules of an event she's planned, not when Madeleine failed to show the same courtesy to women in her court. If Madeleine insists on badgering the MC about her 'pregnancy', Hana is here to defend you. The message is loud and clear. This is Hana Lee's show, she is running it, and if you can't listen to what she says you can fall on a cactus.

• I only wish we were able to give her the kind of loyalty and protection from Madeleine, that Hana deserved. She did not deserve for us to allow the bullying done to her, to be brushed aside as a hazing ritual. Hell, even while knowing what Madeleine did to her, we didn't even get to check up on her.

Hana did not deserve for us to pretend that never happened to her, and she definitely did not deserve to have her own pain be treated over and over in the narrative like it didn't matter. Even now, her no-nonsense behaviour is rooted firmly in her concern for other people, like the MC and Savannah. Why can't the team ever allow Hana to do this for herself? Why can't the other characters ever step in to defend her the same way? Why am I allowed to (optionally) coddle Penelope twice in today's chapter in a way I never can for Hana?? Why should Hana always be the one protecting but hardly ever the one protected??

• So the ladies of the court have arrived, leaving a puzzled Bianca and a perpetually pissed-off Leona in their wake. Hana explains the situation: she invited Kiara, Olivia and Penelope along. Madeleine invited herself for the sole purpose of being nosy.

• ...in what universe is Madeleine a "public relations angel". Have you SEEN how badly you did your own job the last book??

• Olivia and Madeleine can't last two minutes without sniping at each other and this makes Savannah sad (not that they care, they're enjoying the back-and-forth banter) The MC elicits a promise from the two that Olivia will not stab Madeleine, and Madeleine will not "mentally and emotionally break Olivia". What's with Madeleine and constantly wanting to break people?

• Also you really think you can emotionally break Olivia??? She's from Lythikos, you pineapple!

• Hana mentions shopping to Bianca and Leona, and we have yet another hint that all is not well at the ranch.

• The ladies change at a store nearby, to outfits that suit the rustic theme for the event. Which means Savannah gets the opportunity to dress a little more glam on this day, and the ladies of the court get to dress down a bit. Well...except for Olivia, who prefers to change into her red Coronation gown. Here are the girls in order of preference:

Okay first off - I have to say this - FULL BODY SPRITES FOR THE LADIES FINALLY OMG!!! It's the first time I'm actually seeing them all like this: the last time we managed to see a change of outfits was when we had to choose their outfits for the wedding, and even then only the half-body sprites were used. The fact that we never get to see Olivia in a different outfit kind of makes me feel like they might be saving her sprite for a bigger diamond scene? Idk.

• Also how did no one either notice nor point out that Olivia was still wearing a gown?

• Hana stays in the outfit she wore the previous day, and you get to choose whether she keeps the hat or not. The denim short skirt and brown shrug is a lovely outfit on Kiara, and I like the necklace Penelope has on. I think my favourite is Savannah's? I love the rhinestones, the embellished belt, the flower design, and it's a beautiful silver colour that compliments Savannah's skin tone.

• Savannah may annoy the hell out of me but one thing you can't deny about her is she's HELLA fashionable (remember the Drake engagement scene where he says the lavender coloured dress was her choice? That dress was super pretty).

• The MC wearing gold for bachelorettes is kind of a theme with her now lol. Started with the gold theme for Madeleine's bachelorette, then a theme where she wore gold and everyone else was supposed to wear black for her own, and now every going country - but she and Savannah get to bring on the bling.

(Fun Fact: Both Madeleine's and Savannah's bachelorettes take place in Chapter 7 of their respective books, with very different outcomes)

• Our first stop after the country makeover is the bar! Which is Hana's choice, because she is the kind of lovely, wholesome human being who will fully commit to research for her friend's sister's bachelorette party.

Why are you lying Hana.

• So the MC helps Hana out first my selecting drinks. You have 5 options to choose from: beer, cocktails, champagne, one of those fire drinks, and sparkling water. Savannah is doubtful and then excited to try the fire drinks, loves fruity cocktails and enjoys the bubbly. Olivia is impressed when Savannah chugs her fire drink. Kiara is amazed at the sight of beer coming in bottles. Penelope is disappointed if we decide to order a very tame sparkling water. Madeleine raises her eyebrows if you try to take anything even remotely alcoholic because she has already decreed you pregnant.

• Next stop: dancing! You get to choose which lady you'd like to dance with, and if you're romancing Hana this opens up to a romantic scene!

Hana: is happy and enthusiastic if you're friends, whoops and giggles as you spin her. More slow dancing happening if you're married to her...definitely more romantic.

Kiara: is nervous at first because she doesn't know "the social mores of this establishment", but when the MC reassures her that no one cares, she lets go of her inhibitions and shakes her hips, enjoying herself.

Olivia: very competitive, is confident she can dance circles around the MC, starts doing martial arts instead. Savannah reminds her it's not a duel and Olivia's like "EVERYTHING'S A DUEL". I should take her to Kerala and have her learn kalaripayattu 😁 (also I'd be interested in seeing a three-way dance battle between Hana, Maxwell and Olivia plsthnx).

Savannah: Also enthusiastic and excited, v much the 'happy bride'. Both Savannah and the MC are comfortable in this setting.

Penelope: This comes with a reference to her social anxiety, because her initial nervousness has to do with the crowds. The MC makes space for her through dancing, and she winds up having fun while still feeling comfortable. Madeleine tries to make a smart-alec comment but pretty much no one gives a shit about her so it's okay.

Madeleine: does not exist.

• After this, Savannah shows the girls how to do a Texas Two-Step, which is baffling to them. Hana gets it down in like two minutes, and the MC depending on options can either do it perfectly, go off-beat then claim she created her own trend lol, or trip over herself and hurt her feet, following which Hana assumes she is doing the robot, and does it alongside her. Apparently she learned it during a summer class she took while her embroidery instructor was sick.

• I don't get it, what's with all these random embroidery references they keep throwing at Hana these days.

• Olivia and Kiki are still baffled by the two-step dance, so Savannah recommends more drinking! Madeleine and Olivia are competitive with each other and loving it, and Penelope and Kiara are confused about how they're supposed to drink tequila. The MC gets to show them how it's done. She can either do it right (pour the salt, drink the shot, suck the lime), or get it wrong (pour the shot, suck the salt, drink the lime). The highlight of this is definitely the last one (pour the salt, drink the salt, suck the salt!). Like, the MC actually tips the contents of an entire salt shaker into her mouth! Failplay MC is the very definition of chaotic energy.

• Kiki, like the awesome friend she is, asks Savannah if she'd like to flirt or do anything hot-guy-related, which Savannah laughs and refuses. The topic then comes around to her relationship with Bertrand and his insecurities regarding Chuck. She says she barely had a thing with him but she's afraid Bertrand might do something stupid (he might, actually). The MC can choose to reassure her.

• I don't get it like...okay? Why am I the one you're telling this to rather than your own fiancé? If he's the one having the insecurities, and you know they're there, what are you doing to alleviate that? I mean as far as I can see your aunt is pretty much dragging him the whole time for not magically acquiring ranch skills and I hardly see you even talking about that. I don't see you actually trying to talk to him. So why tell me all these things - go tell him and sort it out yourself.

• Because Savannah speaks about wanting a happy family in the wake of this conversation, the topic then returns to that of the MC's ongoing attempts to get pregnant.

• Madeleine is a nosy, entitled piece of shit. She just is. Raises her eyebrows at me when I'm drinking, makes terrible apple puns for a fetus that probably isn't even there yet, comes for a trip she's not even been fucking invited to so she can poke her entitled nose into my business. Even her show of 'sympathy' revolves around her and her problems. All this while she acts like a martyr for following a dress code (remember how she dragged Penelope for not getting a metallic dress on time and 'ruining' her dress code, but came to our bachelorette making excuses for not following our dress code?). I'm glad Hana was having none of it at least now.

The only differences between this scene in a Hana playthrough vs in the others is that Hana tries to get Madeleine to stop before the MC gets to give her answer ("Madeleine, please..."), and that she reacts sadly to the MC if she chooses to be openly sad about it.

• ...so the scene in the hotel in Chapter 5 (where the MC and Hana could talk about what Dr Ramirez said, if Hana was your LI) always had a "there, we spoke about it, now shut up" feel to me. Because now they've given the MC a voice regarding how she feels about this pregnancy (we can either deem it invasive, speak normally about it or be very, very sad and spill out how disappointed we are. The last option's dialogues is the one I put up).

It's surreal...to see an MC who can say this openly while Hana's condition and how it's affecting her is barely even addressed. It's even more surreal that even now we're still coddling Penelope to the high heavens, and how a lot of aggressive importance is still given to Olivia, while still ignoring what could be happening to Hana if she's married...or making even a chapter that has potentially no men in it about literally anyone but her.

• The nice thing is Savannah is quite supportive in all three options. Olivia diffuses the tension/seriousness by suggesting we have more drinks.

• Aha! Queen Amalas.

• So she claims she came down not to pressurize us into anything but to see the MC in an environment outside of the palace/estate and court, including how she behaves with other people. She has no friends but treats her servants well (and apparently tipped her waiter a thousand). But the little bits she adds in about our origins can be a little unnerving. While offering a Sarzac she mentions our home state New York and asks if we'd prefer a Manhattan, and suggests we would know about how important a good tip is since we worked as a waitress. The MC's reactions can range between friendly, curious or accusatory. Overall the general impression is that she's mysterious and alluring, but there's something about her that spells danger.

This is me rn:

• Anyway...so we leave with our drinks, and join the girls. Penelope is drunk and talking to a mechanical bull, Kiara is drunk and trying really hard to talk country to the same bull. Savannah deeply (I'm kidding) regrets not returning Kiara's kindness in teaching her French by teaching her American English, coz it would have saved her this moment of cringing in a bar rn.

• They raise a toast to either Savannah, or friendship, or "putting the past behind us". I don't want to raise a toast to any of these options.

• Savannah is emotional and speaks of how hard it was to fit in and how much she missed Cordonia and the people she knew in court when she was away bringing up Bartie, and how the MC "changed all that" (how??? Again, a lot of what she does is optional, not default! Plus a bulk of the work of finding her went to her own brother, and later a fumbling Bertrand - not the MC unless she really chose to help. My MC Esther gets these dialogues despite not bothering to help Savannah in any way) and how she is now friends with all of them.

• Diamond scene! The ladies of the court have never had sleepovers (for various reasons), so MC-who-had-a-way-more-normal-life to the rescue!

• We start off with a drink. Three are on offer and we get to choose one: Hana's special Hot Chocolate recipe ("like drinking a minty chocolaty hug"), Olivia's Lythikos Nog ("like drinking a buttery, spiced cloud") or the traditional Walker Hot Toddies from Savannah (basically hot water and whiskey made with lemon, honey and spices).

• Once that's out of the way, we start off with, as the MC calls it, "gossiping about our love lives". Penelope is asked first, and she gets to tell us about her ongoing relationship with Kiara's brother Ezekiel. Olivia is next, and depending on your choices she can openly speak about the fact that Liam didn't choose her, twice, and how she needs to move on. She can also choose not to talk about it if the MC tells the other ladies of the court to back off (which is funny, because the whole thing was her idea to begin with). There's not a lot of change to this dialogue in all the playthroughs, except for mentions of whether Liam was engaged to the MC or not.

• After this, the MC can choose to ask either Madeleine or Kiara the same question:

- Madeleine is defensive and reminds the MC that she "interfered" with her relationship status (wasn't even much of a relationship to begin with), but eventually makes it known that she doesn't believe in "sappy romance" and would rather marry to benefit her house or country instead (nice save there, PB).

- Kiara is surprised and fumbles with her answers, speaking at first about how busy her life currently is. But eventually she does tell you she has a type. The dialogue differs depending on whether the MC is married to Drake or not:

(Screenshots on the left are from my playthrough, and the ones on the right are from @thefirstcourtesan's Drake playthrough).

...I look at Madeleine's dialogue in this scene and need to remind myself that even broken clocks can be right twice a day.

• Repeat after me, Kiki: I deserve way better than a dude who might throw me under the bus just so he can kiss a Duchess' ass.

• Also most guys in Cordonia must have rippling abs, right. Considering that 90% of the male LIs in PB have six-pack abs.

• Interestingly, Olivia is allowed her feelings - and the confusion and mess that comes along with loving someone and not having that love returned - across playthroughs, but Kiara's has to be adjusted and shrouded in vagueness according to which MC she is speaking to. There are two factors at play there:

1. More often than not the narrative has taken Olivia's feelings more seriously than it has ever taken Kiara's. Of course part of it could be the childhood memories and the amount of time she spent with Liam, but we need to remember that the general attitude in the narrative towards Kiara's feelings constantly bordered on dismissiveness - and that wasn't even the worst of the treatment meted out to her.

2. Have you seen the amount of hate Kiara got from some Drake stans for as little as looking in the man's direction?? They'd tear her apart if she dared to even mention her crush in a Drake MC's playthrough!

• The ladies of the court now want to play literally anything else, so the MC pulls out the tried-and-tested Truth and Dare game out of her fancy cowboy hat. Here's the way it goes:

- The MC nominates Savannah, since she's the bride-to-be. Savannah goes for dare, and has to go by a nickname for the rest of the night (default: Bridechilla. I was really craving something so I went for Fried Chicken 🤣), or pose for a sexy photo which she can text to Bertrand. No response, but you can hear him faint upstairs. When asked to nominate someone, she nominates Penelope to ask a question.

- Penelope chooses Kiara, who picks 'truth'. She makes the MC choose for her instead. The MC does what the Choices universe calls a Wed, Bed or Dead which is really a way of saying FMK without having to write the F. You can give her an option between three women (Olivia, Penelope and Madeleine) or three men. Based on your playthrough, Kiara's list of men will vary (Liam, Maxwell and Bastien in a Drake playthrough, and Bradshaw, Bastien and Drake in other playthroughs). Her 'bed's are Olivia, Maxwell and Bastien, her 'wed's are Penelope (obviously), Liam (to be Queen) and Drake (also obviously), and her 'dead's are Madeleine (but obviously), Bastien and Bradshaw (coz CORDONIA RULEZ!). It's interesting to note that Kiara seems surprised/shocked by the idea when you ask her to choose between the girls, and Hana eases her into it by stating that they're all friends here. Which I found really sweet. Kiara then nominates Madeleine to choose someone.

(note: why is Savannah acting so shocked about Kiara choosing her brother for 'marry' when she spoke about liking him barely ten minutes ago???)

- Madeleine chooses Olivia, hoping to wriggle out any information about the mysterious mission Olivia seems to be on. Olivia cleverly tricks her, by reminding Madeleine that she didn't say truth or dare, and picking dare. With no option she asks Olivia to prank call someone. Olivia has three options:

1. Give Maxwell a phone call pretending to have tickets for a Celine Dion concert. He has to choose the best noble house. Sweet Maxwell cannot choose between his own house and ours, but loses out because the correct answer (obviously) is House Nevrakis lol. Savannah's best line comes from here: "Don't worry, his heart will go on" 🤣

2. Give Bertrand a call claiming to be a representative from the Cordonia Philharmonic Orchestra, and Olivia asks the same question to him. His answer is House Beaumont, without question, and Olivia gives him the same answer. The nice thing about this option is that it's coded such that if you chose Savannah's 'sexy photo' option, the narrative mentions that his voice is 'woozy' and he sounds like he recently came back to consciousness. Whereas if you chose the nickname option, these lines would not be included.

3. Give Drake a call claiming to be from a "secret whiskey enthusiast society". Drake somehow figures out that the caller is Olivia, thus leaving her very, very annoyed.

Once this is done, Madeleine nominates the MC, who chooses truth or dare instead of a person like the others did. Hana makes the suggestions this time.

If you choose dare to a single Hana, she asks you to pretend to lasso Savannah.

If you choose dare to a married Hana, she will ask you to kiss her.

If you choose truth, she asks you what law you'd pass if you had a chance, and you have to choose between a serious one like "restrictions on paparazzi", or jokey ones like naming a day after the MC or getting fancy hats from her subjects. The last one yields this adorable exchange:

- Before we can go any further, the girls notice Savannah feeling drowsy and decide to call it a night. The only people who have basically not been asked anything are Penelope (but she already did get to speak about her beau) and Hana (because no one bothers to ask her anything, she isn't even nominated).

• We return to the kitchen, where our LI is waiting for us. The MC tells them about the visit from Amalas, which the LI also views as suspicious, and the MC has a choice again in how she wants to react to this (the visit was invasive, she is impressed with Amalas' guts, she doesn't know what to make of her). They assure the MC that they'll alert the Walkers.

• LI Diamond scene! A cute scene at the hayloft where the MC and LI can have some private time away from the ranch. Those walls must be paper-thin. The first half deals with the couple talking about loving this glimpse of simplicity, and the second half has the MC choosing how she would have them seduce her. The closing bit mostly has the couple talking about how they feel at home with each other no matter where they are.

Liam: Gets a bit of a hero moment at the start of the scene, where a stray beam almost falls on the MC and he catches it. They joke about a couple of things, such as how 'adventurous' the barn is, and whether or not a rendezvous in a barn would qualify as being in the 'outdoors' 😂 In the second half of the scene, the MC can choose between a 'rough-and-tumble', or have Liam sleep with her in his usual tender way. He clearly has a preference for the second, but is more than game if the MC wants to try the first.

The music for Liam's scene, for some reason, is different (his background score for the first half is the romantic one from High School Story, and Drake's and Hana's is the romantic one from Big Sky Country. I'm not sure what Maxwell's is like because I have only seen screenshots of the scene) and he is the only LI who gets the option to keep his hat.

Ending Caption: Hay-pilly Ever After

Hana: The MC notices that Hana seems happy and at home at the ranch, and Hana points out how different the environment of the countryside ("cows outside, open air, no display cupboards") is so different from her home, where "there's gilt on the walls and silver in the display cupboards", and how she loves this space. The couple imagine together how it might have been if they met in a more humble setting (with the MC as a cowgirl and Hana as a salon owner), and how they would fall in love. In the second half, Hana expresses her desire to go a little wild, and the MC can choose between having her hands bound, or being blindfolded.

This scene tells us that Hana does an amazing impression of a Southern accent and I personally would love it if she could coach Kiara on doing one xD

Ending Caption: Country Courting

Maxwell: As he leads her to the loft, the MC has the option to point out that they have a bed, to which he quips that she's obviously not had as much camping experience as he does. They do a little dance in the barn, and they admit that they missed each other while she was gone. In the second half of the scene, the MC has the opportunity to tease Maxwell, beckoning him to chase her around the barn and catch her. I think he also tells her to "use your words" at one point.

I think this scene has the cutest ending, because they both have an impromptu yodelling duet after that.

Ending Caption: Oh, Darlin'

Drake: This scene is more nostalgic in nature because Drake is reliving his childhood, and admits that he didn't know how this trip back would turn out, or feel. He had no idea how different everything would be, nor what his emotions returning to the ranch would be like - and which Valtoria will always be home to him in some ways, the ranch's simple charm means something special to him. The couple can imagine this place to be either perfect for romance, or for bringing back their future children. In the second half of the scene, he confesses to fantasizing about the MC in the palace stables, and the couple indulge in a bit of role play. This also includes an option to take her against a wall.

The end of the scene has Drake tell the MC that being with her itself feels like a fantasy, one that sometimes still feels too good to be true....and therefore he never wants to take it for granted.

Ending Caption: Making Hay.

• We then see the couple going downstairs the next morning, where the MC manages to overhear a conversation between Leona and Bianca that indicates the ranch has no helpers before an auction that is supposed to bring in money for the wedding, and is in deep, deep trouble.

• So our next chapter will probably involve the people of the court working together to help save the ranch, perhaps some flashbacks? Idk. And perhaps because of their contributions, Leona may thaw a little. Who knows.

General Thoughts:

• Plenty of callbacks this chapter!!

- The bachelorette party itself has plenty parallels and could almost be seen as an inverse of Madeleine's bachelorette. Back then, the ladies of the court each began to express frustration and hurt at her controlling, bullying behaviour, Hana's confidence was left in tatters, Olivia was an outsider to the court not bound by their rules.

Here, Madeleine is a largely unwanted presence and pretty much everyone makes it clear that what she thinks no longer matters. Hana is at the peak of her confidence here. She makes it clear that if Madeleine wants to stay she has to follow their rules. Olivia still manifests as a mysterious outside figure, but more out of choice than out of necessity.

- The other indicator of this parallel is what Amalas tells the MC about wanting to know who she is dealing with. She mentions that she wants to see how the MC interacts with her "friends and servants", and it kind of gets me wondering just how much trouble Madeleine would have been in if a figure like Amalas managed to see her behaviour in Italy with courtiers like Penelope and Hana.

- The fire drink which the MC can optionally suggest for both Drake and Savannah to drink. Drake drinks it in a competitive spirit in his birthday party scene in Book 1, Savannah looks doubtful at first but sees it through, to which the MC will remark that "your brother would be proud".

- Savannah mentioning Bertrand giving someone at Cordonia Philharmonic Orchestra a "severe tongue lashing" 🤣 Which kinda was a term Bertrand used for himself in Book 2.

- Lady 'I didn't know I could dance until I actually did it' Kiara. In Book 2 Hana can compliment Kiara on her dancing skills, to which Kiara laughs and mentions that she had no idea she could dance either. She was super drunk back then, now she knows it while she's sober too! 😅

- Some bits in this chapter remind me of our time with the Beaumonts in Book 1? Like the scene where Penelope speaks to the mechanical bull while drunk, while kiiiinda resembles her drunken behaviour at the Beaumont Bash. Also the whole situation of helpers/staff dropping off at the last minute seems a little parallel to what happened twice to the Beaumonts? Once with the MC's boat and then with the Beaumont Bash to host the court. I kinda find that interesting because Bertrand has been in a similar situation and hopefully could feel...somewhat...useful? If he can manage to string more words together, that is.

- Hana daring her wife to kiss her during Truth and Dare, which is (if you bought that scene and actually picked that option) exactly how their first kiss happened 😁😁😁

• I kinda like it when we have chapters like these where the women of the court have a chapter to themselves, because the dynamics are fun and the women are all different in ways that tend to complement each other.

• Honestly, Savannah asking my MC to become her maid of honour was pretty jarring considering my MC doesn't care a single bit about her and has honestly done very very little (if at all) to help her. I mean I can kiiiiinda understand if the MC is her sister-in-law/future SIL via Drake or Maxwell maybe...but otherwise why couldn't Kiara be an option? How is it that Savannah mentions her struggles to fit in, yet Kiara genuinely helping her never even features? Not even once?

I honestly think that Kiara could have been as good a choice to be MoH - we could have either coded it based on our diamond choices with Savannah, or split it between MC for Drake and Maxwell stans, and Kiki for Hana and Liam stans. Or at least more of an acknowledgement of how they were friends before she left? Beyond an offhand "oh yeah you taught me French, not like that helped me in that completely foreign place where I was bringing up my baby, maybe I should have taught you to speak country". Because having Savannah give me a grand speech about how amazing I've been to her was nothing short of weird and it would have felt a lot more natural to see her at least remembering the friendship(s) she did make in court.

• In at least two points in the chapter, Penelope requires someone to handhold her into certain things. You have to create the space for her while dancing. You have to decide on what questions to ask Kiara coz Penelope doesn't want to decide those herself. I'd actually be glad about their commitment to writing her that way, if I didn't understand how much they've let Penelope get away with, and how much other characters in similar positions have to suffer because the same amount of thought is never given to them.

The failplay I did of all three books brought up a couple interesting (but also disheartening) points about how they dealt with Penelope's condition, and how they dealt with difficult situations other characters had to go through (esp Kiara and Hana). At this point Penelope just sounds extremely entitled to good treatment, without wanting to really give back much in return.

• Kiara...well...I love her in this. She was fun, tried new things out, got out of her comfort zone, and she had some marvellous lines in this chapter. I just think it's funny how huge the differences between the way Olivia's feelings are acknowledged regardless vs the way Kiara's can only be acknowledged if it doesn't affect the MC...and it kind of says something about how those feelings are viewed by those writers. Because as a reader who has been following this story thread closesly, I know the writers have either conveniently forgotten - or take very lightly - how shitty Drake has been to her.

• I mean...had it been just about him not being interested, I probably wouldn't have cared much. I would have either turned to fanfic to change that around a bit, that's something you can always do for a pair you want to see but know you can't in canon. But realizing that the man could openly suspect a woman he knew was stabbed at the same event he was shot, optionally pander to the MC's whims and dismiss what she was going through in the process, and to not feel any fucking remorse for it...I mean, Kiara doesn't deserve better just because Drake doesn't isn't interested in her - because no one should have to be obligated to show interest for another person...Kiara deserves better because this man has done very little for her in their few exchanges (esp Book 3) besides ridicule, mock, act rudely and unfairly to her, and finally getting away with the worst possible behaviour without any consequence (some of it is optional, but the suspicion was definitely default). And I know the writing will never admit that because Drake is their golden boy.

• Madeleine causes minimal damage this time and Hana totally owned her a couple times today...so I'm kinda happy with that. At least they made sure never to bring back any hints of that story they were planning with her for Hana...if there is one thing I'm only too happy they are retconning, it's that!

• Speaking of Hana - there are maybe a couple of things I'm happy about and a lot that I'm not. I like that that she can throw shade (though I wish to God they would have let her do it much earlier) at Madeleine, and my favourite bits involve Hana not allowing that woman to get away with shit that she never allowed other people to get away with when she was in power.

But there's also the fact that she's pretty much treated like the least important person in that room? Like I would have personally loved to see her be asked a cute fun question. I mean, by now both Liam and Drake have gotten individual character scenes, and I only get to see Hana in the context of a group scene with the ladies where she is mostly helping the others? I loved that we got the barn scene afterwards...but let's be honest the barn scene was mostly about the sex.

I honestly just found it weird that the one chapter with (optionally) no men in it still couldn't have some focus on her, or much effort put into her. Is asking for more than scraps for her, too much to ask for? (I feel like the answer to that would be yes).

• Olivia is upto something, and the livestream apparently hinted at her being important to the story. I mean what's new about that? Olivia is a favourite of the writers and they will continue to favour her while Hana is still relegated to the sidelines (and so will a huge chunk of this fandom). No lie, I really like Olivia, but why the heck aren't you giving the lone female LI that much attention?

• I also wonder how much of her mysterious work has to do with the reading up she was telling us about in the last book's epilogue.

• Queen Amalas...I still don't know what to make of her - she's a pretty interesting mix of intrigue and invasiveness I think. She's flirty and teasing, but the way she slipped in those tidbits about our past definitely raised my hackles a little bit. Could be a red herring...could be more. Who knows.

• The Olivia and Madeleine dynamics were great...Kiara is still an awesome, encouraging friend to Penelope, but for me the highlight was Hana and Kiara's bonding (that exchange about hats definitely was a winner).

(Is part of my joy because I ship them? Yes. Yes it is. You can pry that ship outta my cold dead hands PB!)

• The barn scene was lovely: it was nice that the couples got to explore their more adventurous/homely sides in the first half of the scene, and were able to go completely wild for the second half of it. I think it's nice we got to see what they'd mostly like to experiment with in bed from time to time.

• I guess that's all for this chapter. Texas might possibly take a week or two more? Idk. Let's see. Rescuing the ranch may take a chapter, and so will the wedding...there may be one in between probably to figure out BertVannah's relationship but I'm not going to spend diamonds to make them talk to each other, no.

• I kinda like the subtle shift to childhood experiences to certain scenes in this book, because it gives the MC who doesn't know what the place is like for a child an idea of what the others had to grow up with...and therefore how she may need to approach her parenting. A number of the group scenes in this half of the book have had to do with childhood experiences the royals and nobles may have missed out on (pets, sleepovers) and the return-to-childhood narrative is a smart way to deal with that, I think.

• That's it for this chapter, guys! See you on Friday (hopefully) with a Book 1 QT, and next week with the next chapter!