#i didnt get much sleep last night because i didnt have meds to take

[clownkiwi]

itd be really funny if i held a homestuck related stream like RIGHT after the homestuck day rather than on it

[etherealspacejelly]

Medication Diary: Day 2

i forgot that vitamin c counteracts adhd meds. maybe thats the reason why im not seeing much of an effect. might have to switch what cereals i eat

i think im thirstier than usual. one of the side effects is a dry mouth so that makes sense. also i didnt sleep well last night but that might just be because i had a bad day yesterday, we will see what happens tonight.

im gonna try taking my meds 1 hour after i eat breakfast tomorrow and see if that makes a difference. its so annoying that you cant take them on an empty stomach because it would be great if i could just wake up and take them straight away. i am a serial get-out-of-bed procrastinator.

so my plan is: get up earlier tomorrow and have breakfast, take meds one hour later, look into breakfast options that do not contain vitamin c or citric acid. hopefully that makes a difference!

[polyamorous-selfinserts]

🐒🐌🐁🐅 :3!!!!

thank u so much for the ask ^-^ u didnt specify so i'm gonna do me n jason and roy

🐒 Who is the big spoon, middle spoon and little spoon?

- i think jay is definitely the middle spoon most of the time, and it really switches a lot of the time tbh. sometimes me n roy will both hold her when she needs that, and sometimes me n roy will both curl up under his arms and rest our faces against his tits <3 because our sleep schedules r so unaligned and unpredictable a lot of the time they're getting back after i've gone to bed, so they'll just flop onto wherever there's space in the bed. both me n roy run hot and jason switches drastically between furnace and block of ice, so a lot of the time it's is comically sprawling limbs. when it's just me n jason there's not really any spooning it's us pressed as close to each other as possible, face to face. when it's just me n roy we both get so sweaty that we just make do with resting our hands against each other while we sleep. my hand on his slutty little waist at all times lmao.

🐌 Who is more likely to fall asleep first? Who goes to sleep last?

again, our sleep schedules r super out of wack. i work night shift (3-11) and they work "nights," but i also sleep more than they do. because i'm not a child soldier and have a sleeping disorder. so a lot of it is them getting up before me (and apologizing softly when they wake me + forehead kisses augghhhh) and coming to bed after i'm asleep. either way though, i would fall asleep first because of my meds. i think jason has a hard time falling asleep, but roy conks the fuck out. being a dad means he's learned to take sleep where he can get it. it's very disorganized and all of us are adhd + autism solidarity so it's a lot of all of us on our phones/reading and then being like. "charlie u should go to bed" "roy we're in bed. and you're on your phone too" "nuh uh" "very mature guys" "jason you can't talk. when's the last time you went to bed before 6 am?" "when's the last time u slept for less than 10 hours" "oooohh" *cue aggressive wrestling*

🐁 Any headcanons you have about your polycule?

- i definitely headcanon jason as trans in some way, and usually use she/he pronouns for her. i think it's less of a labeled thing though in universe. jason is not self aware enough to know that about himself except for that he likes when i call him my girlfriend.

- jason has his own polycule that i'm like. adjacent to. i don't care who else he loves, as long as he comes home to me ^-^ roy just weaseled his way into our bed like the mistress he is 🙄

- me and roy's relationship is very much "we're both in love with this self destructive asshole and live together. i guess we're technically dating." like it's very much not something we would've landed into but we both keep jason safe and sometimes that means keeping each other safe too. the feelings are very much like. arranged marriage that develops into mutual respect and affection.

- none of us organize in the same way and it causes Thee Most Conflict around the house tbh. i don't care about your guns on the table jason, but you can't be storing the linens in the clothes closet!

- both me and roy are ready to fight bruce at the drop of a hat and it is definitely like. a guard dog situation. he drops in uninvited and me and roy are over jason's shoulder glaring him down with contempt and hate in our hearts.

- roy enjoys playing with the household technology. i enjoy it when my toaster doesn't speak. we are at odds on this.

- roy and jason talking about technology makes my brain swim, but i get back at him when me and jason are talking about magic. this is less effective than i would think because roy begins to understand after a while. i grieve my petty advantage. jason thinks we're both cute.

🐅 Do you have any pets? If so, what are they? If not, what kind of pets would you like to adopt?

- Jason has Dog! but tbh they're not home for consistent enough periods of time to take care of a pet, and i am not good at keeping things...alive. so. uh. no. maybe in 20 years when they're old and retired we can get a couple cats.

[moku-and-his-madness]

yeah im gonna finally elaborate

its a vent of some sort....and i never really told anyone but now that this song exists i feel like i can explain it so much better

I keep saying that this song hits close to home and it truly does. vent below ->

When i was in fifth grade all the way up to the end of middle school, i developed a really bad sleeping schedule. not because "oh im a teen and i stay up all night playing fornite with others" it was because i physically had sleeping issues. it was even when i was younger, id fall asleep through my whole class and missed the work i was supposed to be doing.

And it was unbelivable how long i stayed up, id be in bed but never truly sleep till 5 in the morning, well knowing i had to be up in an hour at 6 to get ready to get to my bus for school. and everybody could think, "its because theyre staying up, theyre online and thats keeping them up"

the truth is, i listened to music. just music. no screen in my face, no game or chat room loaded, just music. I thought it would help me sleep, like when people play cafe music or white noise. But it wasnt working.

So what i began doing was taking melatonin. i didnt know how bad it could be, i only knew it would help me sleep, or so I thought. I would take it every night with a tylenol, because i had began to have muscle pains everyday and i was hoping the meds would kick in by the time i woke up.

But everynight i remained up, i couldnt sleep, and the melatonin wasn't working. i was tempted to raise the dosage, tempted to do anything to keep me asleep and it was getting to me. i didn't know that i was starting to develop a very bad case of insomnia, and i didnt know many mental health terms or even political or social events of that time so i wouldn't have known what it was.

the worst of it was one night, i was struck between sleep and being awake. My paranoia had sky rocketed a lot more, and i was afraid to be awake, alone in my room. it felt like someone was watching me, looking at me. But then when i closed my eyes and tried to sleep, i had the worst, most horid dreams ever. I still felt the eyes, the danger and it was driving me crazy, and i was scared.

I eventually stopped.. with all the melatonin. it wasnt working and there was nothing i could do. i realised it was a horid and abusive thing to do to myself. I still have issues going to bed, but ive gotten better. i dont stay up as much as i do anymore. but the cues still remain, the bags will forever be under my eyes, ill always be a little more tired inside, but still keeping up my energetic composure up.

This song aired last night, and i was only up for the release, and i remembered everything again. But the song somehow made it more positive. It eased my pain. and i feel better now.

[sunflowerinpearls]

Husbands' words are not matching actions and vice versa. Hes been "venting" to "me" in front of our oldest (turning 16 may 10) on our "current" marriage?....problem(s).

I tried my best to keep my mouth shut and one time he asked me to play a song so I for one am so plugged up i cant really hear much, sometimes even music is too loud (sensory processing disorder) and I guess i didnt even hear him say something and the child caught on to what was happening and said "you're ignoring dad again"

So i spoke to her instead of him since she said it, & I said "I didnt ignore him. I didnt hear him. I was hyper focused on the song he requested me to play."

And then he went on just one of many other rants in front of her, asking "you dont think I ever hyper focus on anything? When Im home on my days off, I feel like im your servant" All day anytime I asked for help, to him I was demanding it and not appreciating stuff he did and then he would not stop talking about every single thing he did today around the house and for our children and its like.... ok cool.

And people get paid to do what i do here at home, every single day all day long. Didn't say it would be easy, however I did ask for help. He tried to say he understands im frustrated bcuz im home all day and i guess i interrupted and was rude bcuz i said "Its not THAT, at all" (cuz its...not?) Lastly i stumbled upon his fave song & started playing it & asked him to plz get me my night meds bcuz I am so fucking cold to the touch, esp to others. And moving makes it hurt.:// He said "You can just not play the song now. Thanks." So uhh.. Like all I am learning here is 1) I need to stop asking him to help me w/ literally anything and like he has said in the past which I clearly shouldve listened to: "If you (*me doing this: "cough" "cough") WANT something RIGHT NOW!, I'll have to get up and get it myself or wait until I he is ready to do it." And 2) I've been right all along. I cant count on even my own Husband so like uhh.... okay. And Now to him, I'm just a burden. Let alone ya know, i guess having influenza and not doing shit around the house "today" (literally just today, and actually, i still did some stuff which is better than none lol) and hes acting like he deserves a fucking gold medal. For what? Being a husband a father and taking responsibility of everything whilst your wife is ill? K. Never asking you for shit now. Ill send lists to him at work if the house needs anything. He hasnt had sex from me in a month because for the past 2 months steady, I have been sick with an upper respiratory virus affecting my asthma and everything else and now this so uhh, my bad. Next time I'll just faint (again) & hit my head probably (again) and then maybe, theyll see that hes just gonna send me by myself and come pick me up when Im done being in there because he has to sleep for work tomorrow. Not to ya know, dare mention that if the bulging disc in my spine "RUPTURES", all signs & symptoms of paralysis will hit fast & clearly that would become a huge Emergency Situation... So I was "told to do it anyway" by him even after explaining the deck was covered in thick broken shattered ice chunks and with my slip on shoes that are the only shoes i can wear, I told him "I'm not doing that" and now it's my fault it was left outside until when he came home (3 1/2 hours before home). I feel as if my health is a major burden to him and maybe its time for me to get an inhome nurse... Some people just arent built to take care of anyone else. And maybe idk, maybe he is starting to see that I a really honestly, not in love with him at this point anymore. Maybe tomorrow or next month or next whatever, or maybe never will I be back in love with him.It seemed to me like the exact day that he was hired on as a manager at his workplace, things shifted. He dropped a huge bomb on me. I had to then last night, inform my family that I'm doing gene testing to see if i am a carrier of a breast cancer gene for reasons. They're also testing for thyroid & ovarian seeing as those run heavily. My chances before gene testing was uncomfortable to talk to our 3 kids about but they were as accepting as they can be, as their Mother my main priority should be my health so that Incan get better so that I can continue to do what I freaking LOVE DOING SO MUCH!!!!!! Like I truly do so why continually, continually say outloud in front of the 3 kids that "well I've done all of this and all of this because you asked for help" and it all started over me asking him if he can take lily her cup of water since shes coughing so badly. My flu/asthma/sinus shit is awful and my heart problem make it hard for me to walk sometimes let alone climb stairs.... He's acting like he deserves a gold medal when im always keeping the house up and im not doing that. What im doing is showing him what all i have to do during the day, some updates on what i dod and whatever else i wanna send.

I told him that its unfair to us completely that he doesnt turn off "Manager" when he walks through the door. He had a conversation to me and said hes not gonna be able to shut that off when he comes home and he has to take on so much responsibilities and he feels like he needs to be inside the house alone without myself or the kids or the pets for like half a year to get his straight. Bruh. Like no. Just do better. Idk how many people told me that Id never do this and id never do that and here i am proving them wrong every single day.

But every time he speaks to me like this, I am taken back to a time where I was told "your mother never should've made you." At i think 4-5 years old? I am disabled for many reasons. And I can tell everyone all the time until I'm fucking blue in my own face that, when I say that I cant do something and I ask for help, the help is met with a "your legs work" or "you're capable. You just dont wanna wait" No duh. Thats why i said "now please". Would you rather I give you another reason to hit me 3x flat-cupped handed times on my face again and say that "If I wanted it right now and could have gotten it right now for myself"

Im tired of asking for help and being treated like nothing other than a burden and his biggest fucking problem. How was I supposed to know that I was going to this sick on your 2 days off and that every time I asked for anything, you were upset.

I guess i was right and I'm just a different person now because of trauma processing and healing. But being sick enough to make 4 separate appointments during the 2 month span and if this gets worse, this one too. So I feel like he wants me to say something to him or do something for him, but all Im getting from this is "do not ask me for anything". Isnt your spouse supposed to be the one taking care of you when youre sick? Hes already lost me emotionally. And right before our ten year wedding annivarsary. Cool.

Advice?

[invisible-illness-real-pain]

2 months ago my sleeping meds (trazodone) stopping working for me aftee 5+ years. In the laat month ive tried new med after new med that just didnt work. One actually had me in ER because it rasied my blood sugar very high (type 1 diabetic) & my insulin wouldnt bring it back down.

Last night was my first night trying ambien for the second time in 15 years. The first time i didnt have a good experience. I was sleep walking & such. But it was a much higher dose back then. My doctor put me on the lowest dose. (5mg) i can take one & if in 60mins im still not sleeping i can take another.

It took me about an hour to fall asleep & then i woke up about 5 or 6 times. I dreamt a lot but dont remember much from the dreams & felt like i never got into a deep sleep. I dont know if part of that was because of my anxiety.

Im hoping tonight i can sleep a little better.

The little to no sleep is cauaing my anxiety/panic disorder to be much worse. My depression too.

Im trying to get back into thearpy but everyone around has a waitlist right now.

Ive alwaslys been referred for a sleep study but they are full till march right now so its looking like i should be getting that done in april.

[soft-boi-eli]

Mcyts helping a trans masc after top surgery. (Part 1)

Tw:swearing, pain pills, some hints to vomiting, fluff as well.

Wilbur

This simp...

Makes sure you regularly drain your drains, take your medication.

You dont even have to get the fuck up, I mean he's your personal butler until the doctor gave you the okay.

Three times a day you get a smoothie. He can tell that you dont want to eat because of the pain.

The least you can do is drink something to nurioush you while you were in pain.

If you're embarrassed about having to sleep on some dog pee pads for the drain. Dont be.

Wilbur may not understand but he will constantly comfort you. He'll even make a video to tell his viewers he won't be posting for a moment. A personal issues came up and that is all they know for now.

Also when cold he'll try to keep you warm by very, very gentle cuddles. But any sign of pain and he's off of you and getting you warm blankets and heating packs.

His sweaters? Now all yours. You have no say. He will give you one every day knowing you find alot of comfort in wearing his clothes.

The last thing he wants is you in pain. Especially if it was caused by him.

Your testosterone shot? Dont worry he's got it for you.

He doesn't want you to get up unless you needed to go to the restroom or you were itching to get up.

If you dont take it slow he will threaten you.

This is a threat. He will make you sit back down if you tried to get up and clean.

All in all he is a simp and your butler.

Technoblade

Technoblade may not know what to do but he will try.

He's quite nervous but when he realized you havent eaten and needed something in your system for your pain meds hell make you something soft and light on the stomach.

Are you cold? He'll cover you in a blanket and just sit next to you. Floof senses you in pain and cuddles you more then technoblade.

Techno was a bit butt hurt but knew that you needed alot of support right now.

With his height his clothes are either tight or loose. But his hoodies are always huge. And very fucking comfortable.

His scent relaxed you and helped you sleep at night.

He is a hidden simp.

He will make sure you're comfortable. If you want him to he'll sleep with you in the living room.

When you start walking him and Floof are constantly following you. Just to make sure you are safe and comfortable.

You cant help but love your two boys.

His streams and videos are already inconsistent but he did say his next video or stream might take a longer time.

But if you dont mind then you'll sit near him while he streams. If you needed anything he'll get it.

You saying hi to chat. They know you're in pain by your tone.

And anyone he's in a call with will ask what's up. And when you tell them they'll understand and they'll hype you up.

It warms techno's heart when his friends hype you up.

God this closeted simp is melting internally.

Schlatt

He will tease you.

Pictures are taken and spread around the internet like a wild fire.

Caption to those pictures?

This dumbass just got out of surgery and didnt expect to feel like trash lol.

But off camera he's quite the nice guy. Reminding you to drink your water, getting you soft foods or soups, heck he give you some of his pushies from his youtooz.

And this behemoth of a man will give you his shirt or hoodies.

You are with him when he streams or records.

There is no say.

He wants to keep his eyes on you and make sure you are comfortable and safe.

Lowkey dragged you bed into his recording room, you were just vibing in the corner.

You meds are on a set schedule. If the time lands when he's on stream he doesn't think. Just gets up grabs your meds and a premade smoothie.

With that he gave them to you.

Watching you swallow that pill because you can be stubborn with pain meds.

Returns to the stream.

Yells at chat for calling him a simp. He told them you were in pain and it's the least he can do for you.

Will low key rub your back off stream. As sleeping while sitting up us hell on your shoulders.

Jambo is all over you, soaking up the attention he can get while you were immobile.

Schlatt would glare st him for taking away his S/O.

When it came to you wanting to walk he will let you.

If you hurt then this man would laugh and tell you to sit your ass down. You are going anywhere just yet.

He's gonna carry you when you are in as much pain.

He's tall and there is no stopping him.

It makes him feel a bit happier due to the fact you aren't hurting as much, and still getting to the place you needed.

Also he will hug you if he sees you are uncomfortable. The hug is very soft and unlike him.

But at least he is trying.

He also keeps his yelling down, doesn't want you to make too many stiff movements. It would hurt the hell out of you.

Tommy

Ok. Hear me out, butler.

He see the pain you are in and as one of his best friends he wont let you do anything.

Your parents were out of town after your surgery and it wasn't their fault their work called in suddenly.

So you were sent over to Tommy's for the three weeks they were out.

Tommy would let you relax on his bed, heck even sleep on it as well.

Doesn't care if your drains stain the bed. That's an easy clean up and he wants you to be comfortable.

He does still stream. Because it's something he does for a living.

But he'll try to keep it a bit quieter.

You once walked out of the room when he was streaming. You looked like a gremlin, hunched over while you had to take a piss.

When you entered you were greeted by wilbur, techno, and phil telling you they hope you heal fast.

"It only gets better from now on (y/n). Take it easy alright?"-wilbur

"Congrats mate, just relax and dont forget to focus on healing."-Phil

"Yo you got the surgery. Pog. Stay healthy (y/n)."-techno

You melted lightly. A small smile graced your face.

It brought you joy and there was nothing that could compare to it. Honestly.

It seemed almost every day someone tommy knew was hopi g a speedy recovery.

He once yelled at chat for saying you should suck it up.

"CHAT THEY JUST WENT THROUGH SURGRY. LEAVE THEM ALONE!"

You forgot that your parents were even out for those weeks.

Tommy would definitely understand slightly that it would hurt to constrict your chest.

"You cold?"

When you nod tommy is up and handing you one of his hoodies. They are big and comfy. Easy to put on too. So they are perfect.

His two dogs, Walter and Betty?

Expect them in his room curled around you. Dogs know when humans feel pain and when they need something to comfort them.

The stream kind of enjoyed that.

They got wholesome content from you and dog content.

Win win.

Tommy will make sure you have your meds.

If it lands during a stream he blacks out the camera and carefully gets you the things needed for it.

Get you a best friend like tommy.

They wont let you do much when in pain.

Tubbo

He doesn't fully know what to do. He went and spent a few nights over at your house.

Your parents asked his parents for help so they sent over tubbo.

They made a list but the poor boy couldnt read it.

"A sm-oosthie with their pain pill... what the hell is a sm-oosthie?!"

It took him calling tommy to ask him to tell him.

"Tubbo. It says smoothie and who is this fo-."

He hung up before tommy could finish and made the smoothie.

Your cat was quite cuddly.

When he walked in your cat was on your lap.

"Tubbo? When did you get here?" Oh yeah it was a surprise.

"Not too long ago. Your parents left and asked me to help."

He was doing it in all good.

But he scared you so badly.

He bought you a stuffed animal...

It was a huge minecraft bee. And by huge I mean huge.

Like here's the stuffed animal.

Ignore the child. I wished there was a better picture.

But yeah you get the point.

Tubbo may not know how to help you fully but he's trying.

Tommy came to visit with wilbur and phil.

Tommy was meeting up with them and you lived close to wilbur.

When they saw you laid up in bed, tubbo trying to find out how to help with your medication phil kinda went father mode.

You got homemade soup to take your meds.

Tubbo was quite happy to see you smiling and lightly laughing.

When they left you felt better.

Tubbo may not know how to do alot but he tried his best. And you loved every moment.

You got you best friend to help you. And nothing was better then that.

Ranboo

Ranboo spent the night and all you guys could do was joke about the pain.

The jokes were quite self deprecating too.

All night you guys were up.

You couldn't sleep because of the pain and he didnt want to sleep due to the fact he didnt want you to be alone.

So you two were sleep deprived and your parents were concerned. But understood you two didnt want the other to feel bad.

After you healed a bit your parents got called into work. Leading to you spending a few days over there.

Ranboo streamed a recorded with you in the back ground.

He forgot you were there once and he turned on face cam. There you were in the background nose deep into a book while wearing one of his hoodies.

You were freezing and your shirts were a bit too tight.

He just gave you one of his and that was that.

"Whis in the background?"-dono

"In the background?" He turned around to see you just reading your book.

"Oh. That's one of my friends. They had a surgery a week ago."-ranboo

He turned to you, "(y/n) say hi to stream."

Looking up you waved.

"My gay mind went brrr at the idea of no sacks of fat. Now body do the big pain."-(y/n) 2021

It brought a laugh to ranboo and his chat.

You joked through the pain. It was funny.

Dream

What is this I see? He's a simp indeed.

Low key he's answering your beck and call.

He's smothering you in love.

It may not be physical affection but it is still affection.

Your hoodies are replaced with his.

They are huge and comfy.

He saw something online that reminded him of you.

He said it was cute and decided you needed it.

You loved it. It helped you sleep.

Since sapnap lives with him he sends in sapnap sometimes because he's recording or has to get something that wasn't in the house.

Also when you found the zipper you unzipped it and found dream stashed some gift cards and little trinkets in it. Along with a note.

'Knew you would of found this.'-Clay

It shocked you kind of.

But you loved it. It was quite comforting that he gave his affection in these ways still.

Even if it wasn't physically.

Patches is on you 24/7.

She's cuddling you and being very gentle on you.

Low key she won't leave you though, she's following you everywhere, on your lap, sitting there when your on the toilet.

She's clingy. More clingy then before.

But it warmed your heart.

If george visits then he'll see a little gremlin making a b line to the bathroom.

All because the pain made your stomach feel upset.

And you hadn't eaten anything because of pain.

Dream is quick to rush in and see what's wrong.

You were sitting on the ground in the bathroom. Needless to say it didnt end well and you hated it.

"Baby. Do you want me to get you a smoothie and your pain meds?" You were grateful.

After leaving the bathroom you lightly hunched over you noticed the British man in your living room.

You watched his videos.

You waved lightly with a smile.

"Oh sorry (y/n) I didnt tell you george was coming did i?"

Your look told it all.

"Sorry you have to see me like this." You had the urge to apologize.

"No dont be sorry. Surgery is painful."-george

With a small nod you went back to your room and relaxed.

George

He didnt know what to do at all.

He answered your requests.

But he didnt know why you needed that thick ass blanket in the middle of the summer.

But now you have it.

Your stuffed animal that was left in the living room?

It's in your arms by your side.

He's sad it wasn't him in your arms but understood it would cause you pain.

He just lightly lays in your lap.

It brought you comfort and him comfort.

Your germilin ass tended you get up and walk at the weirdest time too.

3am?

Your are going to get a snack.

5am?

You are on your way to the toilet.

7am?

Your once more in the kitchen getting something to eat with your pain pill.

George slept through it and was confused when you weren't in bed like the doctors told you to.

He's quite meticulous with your meds and eating habits.

He doesn't push but makes sure you have something with that pill.

Hell try to help you with your bandages. But sometimes got queasy at the blood and stuff.

It was okay with you though.

You didnt mind that due to the fact that you too got queasy as well.

I think you guys sleep through this alot.

Wilbur and tommy visited.

You was shocked and confused when they had a few get well soon gifts.

Tommy got you a small fidget toy, just something to do with your hands sometimes.

Wilbur got you a few books and a small stuffed toy.

It was a orca.

You loved it but still loved the one that george got you.

He got you a little wooloo one.

It was something that was soft and easy to cuddle.

But the books wilbur gave you were amazing.

It gave you something to do for a long while. And it gave george some more cuddle time.

Other than not knowing what to do george was a great source of comfort.

Sapnap

Sapnap is a bit more experienced with it.

Kind of knowing what to do and all together he just know more then most people.

There is a regular schedule for you meds and so called meals, he changes out the dog pads if he notices them dirty. He knows how to maneuver himself next to you so there was no pain.

He also sucked up that he would be overwhelmingly hot and sat next to you under the blanket.You weren't nearly as cold because of that.

Also since sapnap lives with dream I imagine that dream pops in some times and so does patches.

You all were probably best friends as children. And people always thought that you and dream would get together.

Only because you two were more touchy.

But you saw him as an older brother, and took a liking to sapnap.

Dream was really suportive and saw you as a little sibling.

Dream probably saw you not doing to well and made you something to eat and brought your pain medication.

That was because sapnap was sleeping next to you.

Patches curled up between to two of you and dream brought in something you hadnt seen before.

A roll away bed.

This mother fucker got a whole new bed just so he could sleep in the same room as you and sapnap.

"Sapnap is a heavy sleeper. What if you need something?" He was correct.

You woke up to pain and discomfort.

Dream woke up but sapnap didnt.

You were mainly cold though...

How the hell were you cold with this man radiating radiation the heat of a thousand suns?

No clue. But probably the anesthesia since you were in sapnap room dream just opened the closet and tossed his hoodie to your lap.

You woke up sapnap when you put on the hoodie on accident.

He pushed up against your shoulder a bit more and draped his arm over your lap.

"What's wrong?" Sapnap mumble made you stiffen up. Dream seemed to fall back to sleep too.

"Just a bit cold." He lightly nodded into your neck.

"Mmmmmm. How though."-sapnap

"I dont fuckin know."-(y/n)

He let out a sleep chuckle and seemed to fall asleep again.

You just sat there. Patches and sapnap on you lap technically.

Sapnap woke up and made you breakfast at some point. You were in and out of it due to barely any sleep.

Dream woke up as well. You didnt even know when they left. But patches stayed with you.

Those weeks you were treated the best with these two with extra cuddles from patches.

I didnt know there was a max amount of paragraphs. But hey I guess it's something you find out sooner or later. So there is going to be a part 2. Including some character I missed.

[letstalkaboutshtufff]

A Bad Feeling Pt 2

Levi x reader

Pt 2 (Final part)

Pairing : Levi x Cadet reader

Warnings: mentions of attempted rape, mentions of injury, cursing, violence. 18+ only please

***************************************************

Hey guys! Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments! You're all amazing! I did my best to write Levi not ooc, so please lemme know if I did an ok job. This chapter was hard to write so please lemme know what you think! Enjoy!

"Look at me" he was less angry now and more concerned. Because although he would never admit it. He cared for his team deeply and hated to see any of them hurt.

Knowing you couldn't disobey you sucked in a breath and slowly lifted your head up.

And when Levi's steel eyes met your teary ones they turned into one of shock.

Slowly his eyes travelled over your form. His eye brows furrowed at the grip marks that covered your chin. He looked down further and saw that both your wrists were red. His eyes travelled back up and his whole body froze when he saw the angry looking bruise peeking from under your collar.

He stood there in shock for a moment before snapping out it.

"Y/n.." he started slowly, almost gently.

"Tell me what happened" he clenched his jaw when he realized how scared you look. It did not sit well with him that a girl as strong as you ended up in this state.

Tell him?? I can't... Oro said that he would-!

"I-I c-can't" you closed your eyes feeling completely overwhelmed. Levi was going to be so angry with you, but you couldn't risk being expelled from the survey corps.

Had your eyes been open you would've seen the flash of concern that crossed his usually stoic features. Knowing he wouldnt get anywhere with you in that state he asked you to follow him. Not knowing what else to do you did...

************************************

Silently he led you to a room you had never seen before. It was neat and organized, and off to the side you saw a small stove and sink.

You were so out of it, the shock taking over that you didnt even remember being sat down at a small table.

You stared at the wood in silence, listening to some clanging around you for several minutes but snapped out of it when a small plate and tea cup full of something steaming and sweet smelling was put in front of you.

Wordlessly you looked up at your captain who took a seat near you, but far away enough not to add to your nervousness.

"Drink, it'll help" he ordered quietly. And so you did. You both sat in silence until the last drop was gone. You thought he would yell at the clattering noise your cup made every time your shakey hands grabbed it but he didnt. He sat there quiet and silent.

When you were done you let out a small thank you. You felt a tiny bit less shakey but no where near relaxed. How could you be?

Levi silently took the cup, and deposited it in the sink.

When he was finished, he made his way back to you and sat down.

"Y/n, I know you don't wanna talk, but I need to know what happened" he started calmly.

You looked into his eyes and saw that he was patient and not at all angry.

Could you tell him the truth? Oro said that he would ruin your future but if you told captain Levi, would he protect you? Despite his harsh demeanor you knew that Levi did care and protect his team when it came down to it. Even his harsh disciplines were usually for the best. Even if we couldn't see it.

But even so...Oro is his friend... way longer than I've been his cadet...what if I tell him and he talks to Oro and oro tells him something else that he believes over me.

Levi noticed the hitch in your breath and tried to calm you down once more, "Listen to me y/n, Its my job to look out for you, you're safe now" he promised gently, well as gently as he levi could be) you looked and saw sincerety in his orbs. Your mouth formed the shape to speak. But you still were not able.

"If you're not able to tell me what happened yet, I need you to at least give me a name" he tried to reason. You couldn't believe how calm and patient he was being with you. You so desperately wanted to tell him. But you were terrified.

"I-I'm afraid.." you admitted quietly in shame..

Levi felt anger rise within him, not at you no, but at whoever made you like this. He'd seen you take down titans like it was playtime at school. And now you were shaking like a leaf afraid of something he still had no idea what/who caused this.

"Like I said you're safe now-"

" Thats not.." you cut him off, "I-I'm afraid you won't take.... my side.." you admitted as a fresh set of tears ran down your face.

His eyes widened a little at this, did you not trust him?

"Y/n, listen to me" he waited until you raised your teary eyes up to meet his once more.

"You have proven yourself to be nothing but trustworthy during your time as my cadet. You have my word that no matter what you say, I will believe you" he said with finality.

And that was all you needed to hear to unlock the fear that held you back.

"Oro" you whispered.

His eyes widened in utter shock before turning into quiet rage.

"Oro did this.."

************************************

Levi did a remarkable job of holding in his emotions as you told him what happened. You didn't do it all at once. You kept having to pause to collect yourself. And some things were harder to say than others. But slowly you told him everything, his words and what he did.

The whole time you couldn't bring yourself to look at him. Afraid of what emotions his face held. But when you were finished and he stood up, you couldn't help but steal a glance.

You sucked in a breath.

*Ok small teeny tiny spoiler in the next paragraph from season 3*

The last time you witnessed levi in that state was when he fought the beast titan. His body was eerily calm, but his eyes. His eyes held death.

"Stay here" and with that he was gone and you were alone...

************************************

It was torture waiting in that room. What was he going to do? The anxiety of waiting and doing nothing was killing you.

The panic mixed with exhaustion was such a strange feeling to you. Your mind was racing but your body felt on the verge on collapse.

Sighing you threw your head on the table and tucked your arms underneath.

You couldn't help but let your eyes droop.

You were somewhere between a light sleep and a deep one when the click of a door opening made you jolt awake.

"Heichou.." you went to stand but he motioned for you to stay put. To be honest you weren't sure you could stay upright. It felt like you had been thrown off a roof.

"W-what happened?" You couldn't wait another second before asking.

He stared at you for a moment, much more calm than when he had left earlier. "It's taken care of" he said finally.

You waited a few seconds for him to continue but he didn't.

"Um, by taken care of you mean...?" you nervously fidgeted with your hands.

He sighed and walked over to a nearby cabinet, not facing you he replied, "I mean that bastard won't be bothering you or anyone else anymore" you were slightly frustrated by his lack of elaboration.

Before you could press any further he turned around and cut you off, "Forget about it now, we can discuss it in the morning." You nodded hesitantly although all you wanted was some answers.

It was then you noticed that Levi was holding a small med kit in his hands. Before you knew it, he was sitting next to you, scooting the chair slightly closer.

"Hand" you stared blankly at the outstretched hand for a moment in confusion.

Whats he?... oh!

You snapped out of it not wanting to annoy him after all he had done for you by taking too long.

And despite the situation, you somehow found the capacity to still blush like a school girl when his soft hands gripped yours with surprising gentleness.

A comfortable silence filled the room as he got to work tending to your wrists. With more care than you thought he was capable he applied a cool ointment and wrapped them delicately.

You didnt even realize you were crying until you saw a fat tear plop onto the table. Levi looked up at you, pausing his movements.

"S-sorry! I didn't mean to-sorry..."you babbled embarrassed, your words not really making sense. You suddenly felt bad for putting him through all this. And now you couldn't even stop crying like an idiot.

You squeezed your eyes trying to stop the flow, but for some reason you couldn't stop. All the panic and relief caused you to feel so overwhelmed you couldn't help but let it all out. You also couldn't help but to keep apologizing over and over.

"Don't apologize.." your breath hitched at the quiet kindness in his voice. He had surprised you at least 20 times tonight by how gentle he was being. You slowly opened your eyes letting the tears fall freely. It was like the floodgates had opened, "heichou..." you swiped a hand over trying to quell the tears, "thank you" you sobbed out sincerely, not holding back.

And for the 21 time that night you were in utter disbelief when Captain Levi, the cold hearted, sadistic, cruel leader of the survey corps turned in his chair, facing opposite of you, reached a hand over to cradle your head and pulled you into his shoulder.

"It's alright y/n...its alright..." he whispered holding you close. Your wide eyes eventually closed and you clutched the arm cradling you. It was warm and safe and secure, and your heart filled with happiness, because despite everything that had happened, you knew you always could trust him, and maybe it was selfish to think this but a part of you believed that out of everyone on his squad, he only had showed this kindness to you.

************************************

The next morning as you made your way into the hall for breakfast. You couldn't help but feel everything was a bit too normal. Despite your fears, people weren't whispering about you, or giving you looks.

Sighing you found your usual spot by Sasha and Mikasa. Luckily the Mark's on your chin had lessened enough to where you could pass it off as a "I fell out of be and hit my chin on the floor" kinda thing.

After some time the boys joined as well,

"Ne did you guys hear?!" Armin exclaimed suddenly as he placed his tray down.

"Hear what?" Eren asked chewing on a piece of bread.

"About Captain Oro!" At that you felt your heart skip a beat.

Shit, what had he heard?

"What about him?" He asked raising a eyebrow.

"He was arrested!"

"What?!"

"No way!"

"There's no way!" They all were in shock.

"Its true!" He exclaimed.

"I was on my way to deliver some things to Hange-San when I saw him get dragged away by the police! And get this, he was all bloody and bruised! Like he had just been in a fight or something! They were practically carrying him!"

What?! Did Captain Levi...?!?

"Why was he arrested??" Mikasa chimed in.

"I don't know, I asked around but no one seems to know anything.."

"Huh, weird.. I wonder what happend" one of them responded.

One day you would tell them what happened but for now you decided to keep quiet.

Suddenly a flash of raven hair caught your attention. You spotted the captain making his way to Hanges table across the room. When he caught your gaze you couldn't help the small rush of heat and found your lips pulling up into a grateful smile.

He nodded simply and continued on.

Despite everything people said about him, he truly was a good person. And you couldn't help but feel a little giddy at the thought that he beat up Oro because he hurt you.

You still felt the rush of heat at the memories of last night and how he held you. After your cries had quieted down he escorted you to your room and told you to get some sleep.

You thanked him again and that was that. All night all you could think about was- well of course everything that happened- but also, the gentle way Levi tended to your wrists, the way he held your head close, the way he smelled up close the way-

"Hey y/n?" Jean leaned over with an eyebrow quirked.

"Y-yeah?"

"Why are you so red?"

Shit

***************************************************

And that's the end! I hope the ending was everything you guys were hoping for, thank you all for taking the time to read it. I hope Levi didn't seem to ooc. Until next time!

@justanotherlifeff @fangirlingonrhys @haikoo @peculiarinsomniac @charlie-rose-thegay @babyshinso28 @your-daily-dose-of-fangirl @eleventhdoctorsangel @cravrat @hawkssnugget @kimbapkidding1004 @xruna @huffelpuffers @sofflepoffle  @sunisenpai  @kuromihomii @deadcalmlol @smokeychan1216

[foxcoin]

hiii IM STILL ALIVE WE'RE JUST PROLONGING MY SOCIAL MEDIA BREAK bc weve been doing better, weve been staying with our bf thank god away from all the bullshit thats been going on with our family

i honestly dont feel too tempted to come on here which is nice, ive been slowly healing. i see small improvements that make me a little proud of myself

oh and bday soon!! <:3 and ive been drawing again i drew an oc ref andnim working on a gift ref for one of my bfs ocs. Oh and neocities me and lukas have been coding together and its been really fuxkign fun. and playing games again

i really wanna see social media as a fun of thing again which is why i dont think ill return here besides infrequent updates until it seems enjoyable again, twitter feels more comfy atm

i made really good ramen the other day with garlic butter paprika cinnamon&sugar and hot sesame oil!! then i put in a little of the pacjet and it made it so satisfying :D it wasnt spicy either it was really hearty and comforting

ive also been trying to read again even if its nostalgic books i find pdfs of and its been really nice

idk why im rambling so much i didnt sleep last night bc of my new meds but since my posts are so infrequent i felt like i should give a proper update, just so i feel satisfied not coming on if nothing else

we took a break bc we were paranoid and nitpicky of ourselves, nothing really happened i just got tired of feeling that way so we made the step

i hope this is the proper amount of Not oversharing while still being a nice cohesive update

i want to say sorry too for all of the vents before i took a break, i was going through it and venting was ultimately Not good for me! ik a lot of people vent but its still something we were personally unhappy with

tldr im doing my best and im determined to keep getting better idc how cheesy that sounds im embracing my corny side because fuck being nihilistic!

stay safe be kind and patient with yourselves and dont isolate, i hope everyone is well and taking care

me and my bflive laugh love

[purplecraze]

Beauty and the Beast AU 9

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 11:59 PM

He leaved the horse in what he suppose was once the house'stall, covering him with a blanket and giving him a bunch of hay and apples.

Now part two, dragging sleeping beauty in the house.

He had 0 energy to climb the stairs, laying him on the couch of the living room, turing on the fire and covering him.

He sighed.

Oh right the medicine!

He took it out his bag; going in the kitchen and filling a glass with water, since pills werent a thing aready, the medicine was a powder that wolud turn into a sticky beverage when mixed with water.

He got back to the living room, and like he did with the water today, he slowly feed it to the boy

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:01 AM

even in his grotesque form, he was completely out cold. the fever didn't seem to have dropped any lower, though laying in the snow for a while was actually kind of nice. But it didn't seem like he'd wake up any time soon.... if at all....

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:05 AM

Narancia didnt really looked the best too, all sweating for running, his clothes pretty much thorned and now without his gloves there was a rash on both his hands from when he had to move the boy around

He looked at the boy, nervous of his state

"C'mon you cant die now that i did all that street for getting you a med" he murmured, sitting on the floor, next to the couch

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:06 AM

there's no telling if his fever would break, but for now he was at least out cold. no screams or moans or teeth gritting tonight.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:10 AM

Narancia dragged himslef to the nearest armchair, curling up in the little space of it.

His eyes flickering between the boy and the fireplace.

He wasnt that...scary, after you looked at him for a while, maybe it was just that he got used to him and that he had to drag him for some miles, but, even like that you could see he was a teen somehow.

As time passed his head started to move down, as he slowly was passing out from exaustation

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:13 AM

The first thing Narancia could feel in the morning was someone dropping a blanket over him. sunshine pored into the livingroom, reflecting on the snow that had fallen during the night.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:15 AM

"Nh..." he curled himslef for a bit, wanting to sleep some more, but then he slowly opened his eyes

"Fugo...?"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:16 AM

"hm mm?" Fugo sat back down on the couch, rubbing his brow. He still looked rather feverish, but the worst was over.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:17 AM

"Nh...Morning.." he rubbed his eyes and streched

"Mh..you need to eat breakfast and then take more medicine" he murmured going to the kitchen

"Can you eat eggs?"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:19 AM

"Unless there's a life embryo in it, I can..." he wrapped another blanket around himself, still shivering with fever.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:21 AM

"Ok!" He got to the kitchen; coming back a bit later with a plate of freash bread and scrambled eggs, a glass of milk and another with the medicine

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:24 AM

his head was still swaying and he was fighting to not go on and sleep for another few hours. but he looked at Narancia attentive as he returned.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:30 AM

"Here!" He sat down and took a bite of the bread

"You should eat first and take the medicine then!" He kinda scolded

"And...Thanks for saving my ass last night"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:33 AM

"hngg💢 you're loud..." he muttered. He ate obediently, though.

"I did...? I...I don't remember, sorry...."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:34 AM

"Sorry? Dude you saved me from fucking wolves!" He laughed

"And dont talk about being loud"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:35 AM

He grumbled, he had a point.....

"'sorry' that I don't remember..."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:37 AM

"Mh..you dont remeber what you do all nights or just because you have a fever?'

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:38 AM

"I remember some things, normally. Mostly you not being in your room when I told you to💢 So I guess I'm drawing a blank because of the fever...." he took the medicine like a good boy, though he pulled a face with it.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:40 AM

"Sorry!" He laughed

"To be fair the second time i was worried because you werent in the house.

But then i got a bit less worried when you tried to climb the window"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:47 AM

"hmm....." he sighed. "I'm not used to keeping account of other people during the night. since I had managed to find my way outside and had been significantly less destructive 2 nights back, I thought I'd try to stay outside during twilight... The pain isn't as heavy when I'm outside aswell."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:49 AM

"But you got a fever..."

He murmured as he keept eating

"Can i asked you a thing? Well two"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:52 AM

Yeah, is what his trial and error has gotten down to.

"Alright. But you'll have to wait and see if I'll answer..."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 12:53 AM

"Ok...whats the dome outside and umh, i found a drawing of a black haired woman in the library"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 12:58 AM

"......" he leaned his arms on his knees.

"I'm not sure what drawing you refer to.

Before, you suggested there may be someone else that can stop this curse. and you asked if I planned to stay here until I die...

There's just one person I know who could break the spell. She's also the one who tended to that dome and I never managed to lay a finger on it.

....But I have no way of finding her."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:00 AM

"Mh..why?" He asked shyly

"And also who? Maybe i can find her!"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:05 AM

He shook his head. "The last time I saw her was 10 years ago... She could be anywhere by now.

No one knew it of her, but she was a very promising magician. She kept it a secret.

She was a gardener, but used to look after me a lot too. My parents fired her at some point, but she taught me the basics..."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:07 AM

"Well, what was her name?? Did you know from where she was from??"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:09 AM

He shrugged. "Close by enough to commute. My parents wanted her to be a live in gardener, but she refused. She didn't want to separate from her child....

All I know is her name was Mela."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:16 AM

"...." he sat down again, taking a second to process what Fugo just said to him.

That name was so unique...and working as a garderner...

"Hold on- you got to shitting me"

He took off a locker, inside there was a picture of a south asian woman with modest clothes

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:18 AM

"w-........." he held his breath, staring at the locker for long.

His eyes then glided up to Narancia's face, noticing the resemblance now.

".......where is she now?"

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:19 AM

"Uh..." he bit his lip, trying to give the news "She, umh, she is not here anymore, got a nasty infection and didnt made it"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:20 AM

".............." he closed his eyes and swallowed hard, sitting back. "......I see...... I'm sorry..."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:21 AM

He shaked his head

"Its ok...Its been a lot of time ago, i kinda got over it"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:22 AM

"that's....... you're her only child? she spoke of you a lot."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:22 AM

"Yeah..." he sighed "But she...She never told me about the magic stuff-"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:24 AM

He nodded. "Magic is usually only found among nobles... for a commoner to have magic, it would be a very harsh path..."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:24 AM

"Mh..." he sighed "Then what now? I still want to help you"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:25 AM

He sighed. "Now nothing. At least I know for a certainty that the only 2 people who could have stopped it are gone now.... rather a bitter reality than a false hope.."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:26 AM

"Thats...Thats not fair" he sighed looking at the rash on his fingers

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:27 AM

"But it is what it is...." though Fugo looked like he could just plunge into the pits of despair, he was quiet and calm.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:29 AM

"Sorry..." he murmred looking away

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:29 AM

He shook his head in silence.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:31 AM

"Its ok if i go in the dome for a bit? I umh...I dont have really a lot of her beside this picture"

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:31 AM

He nodded. "of course...."

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:32 AM

"Mh..." he sighed and got is jacket on, going outside to the dome

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:33 AM

Fugo considered if he should follow, but.....

He was still too dazed and weak from the fever, and... he didn't have the right.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:35 AM

Nara got inside; no wonder he felt good there, he layed down, looking at the flowers and plants

...but also...yeah inside there was warm, but no way it was just the dome at keeping the plants alive for years, in winter! Must been something!

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:41 AM

It had a lot of her favorite flowers too. The white clematis, sunflowers, daisies, mimose, even an apple tree and some small orange trees. there were also lavender, chamomile, roses, strawberry plants, baby breath.

orange-plane-boy — 08/29/2021 1:43 AM

Nara felt some tears in his eye... how he didnt noticed before?

He choked a sob, missing her...maybe if he did a better job at taking care of her, she would be still here and fix everything

purplecraze — 08/29/2021 1:51 AM

I guess we'll never know. but at least Fugo is still alive, you managed to fix his fever.

[ashisstrange]

MASTERLIST

ʷᵒʳᵈˢ: ².²ᵏ

ᵖᵃⁱʳⁱⁿᵍ: ᶜʰⁱˡᵈᵉ ˣ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ

ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᵗᵃᵍˢ: ʰᵘʳᵗ/ᶜᵒᵐᶠᵒʳᵗ, ˢˡⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵃⁿᵍˢᵗ, ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ ⁱⁿˢᵉʳᵗ, ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵍⁱᵛᵉ ʰⁱᵐ ᵃ ᵇʳᵉᵃᵏ ᵃˡʳᵉᵃᵈʸ

✥﹤┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈﹥✥

Its late in the night, far too late for your liking. The moon is glistening in the sky with it's stars, providing a small sheen of light in your dark room, passing through the curtains. It's not unusual for Tartaglia to get home late considering his occupation, but you never got used to the worry pooling in ur gut each hour that passes without him by your side.

What if he's gotten incredibly hurt and you're not there to help? What if one day he doesn't return home? Nontheless you always prepare extra dinner and make the bed, even on nights he doesn't return. You never had the idea of coming home to loving arms and warm dinner as a kid, so it felt as if it's your duty to make sure Tartaglia never suffers that feeling.

The feeling of a stab in the chest as you enter the dark house, eerily silent. You'd always pad your way to the kitchen silently and snag a sandwich before going to bed in your room. Your living situation had never been inherently bad, but the people you lived with, the people any other person would've called their parents, seemed to make everything unbearable.

That is why when you turned 18 you moved out to Liyue harbor, and your close friend Zhongli was there every step of the way. You had run into him once during a trip at the age of 16, and you had kept contact through letters ever since.

The man, at the time, told you he was 23, but he never really seemed to age. You brushed it off, probably overthinking it. That is the same person that introduced you to Childe, it was quite a sudden occurence, but you'll be forever grateful.

You needed a place to stay and your friend told you that his friend wouldnt mind a roommate, and that he was rarely found home anyways. You took up the offer, not knowing that your roommate would be one of the fatui harbingers.

You were off to a rocky start, the man refusing to talk to you the very few times he was at the appartment. Later though, he seemed to warm up to you, ever so slowly.

You don't remember how your relationship ever came to be, it's not like you've ever explicitly put a label to it. There was just a moment where you felt as if everything changed. What you had wasn't just merely a romantic relationship, it was more than that. To provide each other comfort and love like no one else had ever done before. Unconditional love that didnt seem to falter, even during the moments where you parted ways.

You smile to yourself, remeniscing the days you barely talked, and the days you spent helping him when he was wounded. There was one particular night he just crashed into your bed in the middle of the night, even though he usually only used the couch.

He had clung to you as if you were his only lifeline, sleeping soundlessly as you laid in shock. The shock died down after a few seconds though, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. Not long after you fell asleep too, and since that night Tartaglia had never slept on the couch ever again.

You check th clock. 4:37 Am, way too late to be up, but it's not like you'd sleep regardless. You'd probably get an ear full from Zhongli during your scheduled lunch the next day, but that, folks, is something for future you to deal with.

Suddenly you heard the turning of keys in a lock, and a door opening and slamming shut. That can only be one person. Then you heard a crash coming from the living room, making you shoot up. You slipped on your slippers as you quickly shuffled your way across the room and out into the living room.

You flicked on the light and were met by Tartaglia, slumped against the back of the couch. His bow was discarded to the side and he was breathing heavily. Sluggishly, his eyes opened to meet yours, his gaze seemed distant, almost empty.

You snapped out of your trance, rushing to pull his arm over your shoulder. You managed to drag him across the living room, over to the bathroom, settling him down on the closed lid of the toilet. You held up your hands, as if to say 'wait here'. You didn't dare break the silence that hung over you, scared that you'd set him off or something.

He didn't seem to protest, so you left to go get the med kit from the kitchen, and a clean rag to clean off the blood splattered across his skin. Was it his? That was a question that, regardless if you could guess the answer, would be left unanswered. As always.

He met your eyes when you returned, seeking for some contact. He knew how much you hated blood. The stickyness, the sickening smell and the thought of what must have happened that involved getting covered in blood. You always helped him regardless, and he thanked you dearly for that. After a long day he simply could not do it himself.

It makes him feel helpless, but you're always right by his side to make him feel better. You wet the rag, cleaning off his calloused hands. His face too had some traces of blood, but those were easily wiped away as well.

After some emergency stitches and a bandage around his bicep you motioned for him to stand up, letting him know that the treatment was done. He was still quite weak, but not as much as before.

"Thanks," he croaked, the first words you shared in 2 days. His voice sounded devoid of any confidence. He seemed very fragile, but you didn't comment it.

"No worries," You send him a reassuring smile, helping him get up and over to the bedroom. You see him visibly relax once he's in bed, snuggling into the sheets. He immediately rolls over towards you when he feels the matress dip, wrapping his arms around your waist.

His face is buried in between your shoulder blades, and it's nearly impossible for you to turn over and look at him. He only does that when he's in a bad mood, and you stop putting in effort to try and face him.

"Bad day?" He hums, the vibrations thrumming against your back. He seems tense, but you're careful not to trigger him too much. The last thing you want is to stress him out even more, knowing he has a lot on his plate already.

After a while, when you've started nodding away assuming he fell asleep you suddenly feel movement behind you. You open your eyes as you hear a small sniffle. It's almost as if you could hear your hart shatter from beneath your ribs. He probably thought you were asleep too.

His arms had relaxed, allowing you to turn around easily. His ocean blue eyes met yours, big with surprise, even though they seemed almost grey-ish in the faint moonlight. All you could do is smile at him as you opened his arms, for him to rely on you.

And that's exactly what he did. qHe fell into your chest, sniffling and crying freely as you drew patterns on his back, your other hand running through his hair. You could almost feel his clogged nose by the way he was having trouble breathing. After a bit his sobbing eased down to mere sniffles as you handed him a handkerchief to blow out his nose.

He used to have a lot of trouble with that, relying on people. Upon meeting him he imediately sparked you as the type of person that didnt bother anyone with his personal feelings, bottling them up for only him to experience. You could see how it physically and mentally ate away at him

That's why one day you faced him, and opened your arms. He had quirked up a brow, confused at what you were insinuating. "Rely on me." You said, and he chuckled, assuming it was a joke.

When you didn't move he realised you weren't kidding. Eventually you wrapped your arms around him, the man tense in your grip. "You don't seem to want to bug anyone else with your problems, so you can rely on me instead,"

You had no idea ho much those words had meant to him, they stuck by him like gum under a shoe. It felt good, he admitted, to have someone to rely on.

"I'm so sorry," He croaks, and he sounds nearly as small as he did in the bathroom half an hour ago, his eyes red with tears. Seeing him like that made your chest clench in pain, knowing the pain the world has caused him.

"There's nothing for you to apologise for," he seems to be taken aback by your comment, maybe even... offended?

"N-no way, i'm clearly a burden to you and a waste of yo-" you shut him up by pressing a kiss to his lips, making his eyes widen.

"You have nothing to apologize for because i am here for you, willingly. I promised to help you with whatever you're going through didn't i," He nods in defeat, leaning back into you. The way he cuddles up to you almost seems domestic, forgetting the fact that he kills people for a living.

"You need to take a break sweetie, otherwise you'll just keep eating yourself up," You stroke a lock of hair out of his face that nearly seemed glued by the stickyness of his tears. He furrows his brows, creating deep creases in between them.

"You know i can't, there's way too much for me to do," He looks up at you, as if he's offended you brought it up in the first place. You press your thumb in between his brows, easing up the crease and stopping him from furrowing.

"We both know it isn't a crime to take a week off, considering you've never used your days off," He tries to butt in, but you shush him before he can start. "And before you start about 'your duties', there's enough harbingers at the fatui, it's not like they can't send Scaramouche to deal with your business for a bit,"

He frowns again, but you resume in stroking his hair. "Besides, if they don't allow you to take off, which i highly doubt, they'll have me to deal with," You smirk. His eyes crinkle up as he musters a small smile. You're not the most intimidating person on the planet, but it's the sentiment that matters.

"What would i even do in that week though," he huffs, fiddling with the back of your shirt as he seems deep in thought.

"Well i had just the idea," you chuckle as he looks at you in disbelief. His eyes are still a bleary red, but you can tell he's a lot less tense than earlier. "And that is..." He continues, his tone ever so curious.

"Say, how long has it been since you've been back home," he visibly tenses up, not meeting your eyes. You know its a sensetive topic, but it'd really do him good to go back home to see his family.

"I dont know, nearly two years," his voice is merely above a whisper, bless the fact that the room is so silent you'd be able to hear a pin drop. You adjust your position so that he's laying against you more comfortably, going back to stroking through his hair.

"Well i thought we could book it to shnezhynaiya for a week or two, spend some time with your family," He lays still against you, as if he'd break if he moved. "After all, they've only heard about me through letters," you chuckle.

You hold him a little tighter, leaning into the warmth. "Wouldn't you like that?" You say in his ear, just above a whisper. That seems to break him, the realisation dawning on him that he'd get to see his family again.  Tears run down his face once again, only this time they're not caused by distress. He nods as he buries his face back into your shoulder.

You stroke his back as you continue talking about your trip, soothing him. Later, when he's stopped crying, he talks along. He tells you about his parents, about how his mother used to be there for him through everything. About how he used to go ice fishing with his father in the winters, and proudly mention he caught a very big fish once.

He also tells you about his siblings, about how he cares for every single one of them very dearly. He also tells you about the spots he wants to visit with you he used to hang out at.

He tells you all about it, and for the first time in a while you see him smile. Really, genuinely smile. The kind of smile where his eyes crinkle up and he bares his teeth. It's an incredibly endearing sight, and u make a mental note to never forget it.

Suddenly he yawns. "You must be exhausted," you chuckle as you both adjust your positions, ready to fall asleep. He only hums as he keeps his eyes shut, pulling up his blanket. His breathing evens out as he falls asleep.

You smile as you look at his resting face, snuggling closer to him as you think; god, how did i get this lucky

[aurora1040]

Just some proof that the body is designed to keep ourselves alive.

I was incapable of getting sleep last night and once i finally managed to fall asleep (about 4:30), i was in for an entire day of sleep. i woke up at 6pm tonight, just long enough to make chilli, eat it, put it away, take my night meds, and drink maybe a glass of water. Then my body said 'alright, out of spoons. Laying down is strongly recommended.' Its only 8:25. i havent really been awake. i didnt really do much of anything. i dont wanna go back to sleep now that im up.

But... the body allotted just enough energy to perfom the most basic functions of existence to keep me alive. brain and body may be at war when it comes to sleep but i have to be thankful for what it manages to do despite being disabled and dysfunctional. I am alive because of it.

[bigstrongbravebennett]

“Blurry Night”

Anon asked: hiya!! I read what u said, thank you for writing for this topics!Can you do kurapika with a s/o who attempted?Also, hope you are feeling good! Remember to eat and drink water❗you are loved <3

Sorry if this is not so good its noon and i usually sleep longer but- i hope you like it :)

WARNINGS: Su!cide mentions, Angst,

Kurapika x Reader

At possibly 8pm kurapika finally got home. you were in the bathroom against the bathtub with an almost empty pill bottle in hand and dried streaks of tears that had slipped down your cold cheeks. you had been unconscious for a while now. “Sunshine im home,” The Blonde male called out, but when he heard nothing but the sound of his own breathing he began to get worried. He began to search around the house in search for you. he started to tear up as he called your name but still no response. he began busting down locked doors and even searching the basement. the last thing he thought of was your guys’s shared bathroom. he ran to the bedroom and tried to open the door of the bathroom. “sunshine!? sunshine open the door right now!” he demanded. still no response or sound of shuffling. “Y/N!! OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW!! I DEMAND YOU OPEN THE DOOR!” He started banging on the door “Y/N L/N” He kept banging on the door until he bust it down. He saw your unconscious frame on the floor then he glanced down at your hand. his eyes widened at the open pill bottle and he ran over and picked you up. he carried you bridal style out of the room and kicked the front door open. he slammed it behind him, waking up neighbors as he didnt think there was enough time to start the car so he booked it to the hospital. he was panicking and sobbing and calling your name begging you to wake up. He soon made it to the hospital and ran inside, alerting most of the nurses. “Help! please! help my s/o overdosed on (pill name)! please help i dont know how long they have been like this but i doubt theres much time!” some nurses rushed over to him, taking your fragile body out of his arms and to a room. hooking you up to a bunch of things to keep you alive. kurapika ran into the room only to be ushered out by the nurses. hour had passed as kurapika paced back and forth down the hall, still crying and cursing at himself for not knowing you were in this state. another 30 minutes passed before he was allowed to see you. he ran into the room crying as he sat in a chair next to your bed and sobbed “Y/n.. sunshine.. please be okay..” he said shakily. then, he began to sing to you. “You are my sunshine.. my only sunshine..” he said in between sobs. “You make me happy... when skies are grey..” he wiped away the constant tears falling down his cold and flushed cheeks. “You’ll never know dear.. how much i love you...” He closed his eyes. a couple tears dropped and he put his hands on the side of your bed. “So please dont take.. my sunshine.. away..” he whispered the last words as he cried. “Kurapika...” you whispered. a tear slid from your cheek onto the back of his hand. He looked up at you, his breath was shaky and he looked at you, more tears forming in his eyes. you reached a shaky hand up to his face and cupped his cheek. he placed a warm hand on top of yours and cried “I was so worried about you sunshine..” You and him cried even more. “Why.. why did you do it.. why did you put your life at risk..” he said shakily. “B-because.. i hate myself.. i hate the way i look.. i hate-” You were stopped by kurapika placing a gentle kiss to your lips. you closed your eyes, a couple tears slid down your face and onto your neck. when kurapika pulled away you lay back in your bed and sighed. “Rest.. my love, i dont want you feeling sick.” he said, you glanced at him with a soft smile that he returned. You soon fell asleep as kurapika sighed. he stayed with you all night until you were able to go back home. kurapika hid all of the meds out of your reach (short ass) and kept all dangerous objects hidden aswell.

HIIIII IM SORRY THIS SUCKED SO BAD I WAS TIRED BECAUSE I JUST WAS AGAGAGAGGAGGAGAGAGA IM ALSO OUT OF WAYS TO WRITE HEHE bye :) feel free to request more this was actually fun!

[zmayadw]

Hello :) 

It’s time for the next part :)

Thanks again to all who read it so far!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 3

I woke up with the sun already out, making my eyes adjust to the light again. I checked the clock above doors. 9.45. Huh, nice, I tought, the nurse didnt lie when she said the pain meds would make me sleep better. I felt more rested today, but still pretty sore. I managed to get up and go to bathroom. I looked myself in the mirror -I looked like hell. I hoped Jessy would come today with my stuff, I needed some fixing up urgently. As I was leaving the bathroom, my phone beeped with new message. My heart jumped with excitement,only to see it was Jessy. „Hey hey, sleeping beauty, im sorry, you will have to manage without my awesomness today, but dont worry, i'm sending the next best person to keep you company! ;D Call you later ,kisses!“ I smiled as I layed back to bed. That sweet nurse from before entered my room smiling. „Good morning, hun, hope you slept well“. „I sure did, thanks.“ I replied, while she settled the food tray with breakfast on the stand. She helped me make myself comfortable in bed, and putted the tray in front of me, when a voice came from the door. „Doris! My favorite nurs!“ It was Dan, and Doris chuckled as Dan came over to the bed. „Oh my, hun, if I knew who your friend was, I would have brought you something stronger then this tea“ I laughed, while Dan made a gesture with his hands, stabing at his heart. „Awww, c'mon Doris, dont be so cruel, you know you like me!“ Doris just waved her head as she went for the door. „If this schmuck starts to bother you too much, you just yell hun.“  I smiled at her „Thanks Doris, I might just do that.“  Dan looked at me. „Is that a 'thank you' I get for coming here?“ he siad, being dramatic as Dans always is. I grinned „Ofcourse not! But its entertaining to see you all squirmy.“ „Tsk,tsk, sure, pick on poor Dan.“ He grabed a chair and sat next to the bed. „You look like shit, Maya.“  „Gee, thanks Dan, thats really what I wanted to hear.“ I said, even tho I knew he was right, I did look awful. „Hey, dont get mad at me, I just say it as it is! Luckily, Dan is here to the rescue..again.“ he said handing me my backpack. „ Jessy went through your stuff, and filled your pack with what she tought you might need the most. She said to text her later if theres anything else you need so she can bring it.“ „Thanks Dan.“ I said taking the backpack from him. „And I mean thanks, not just for this.“ Dan looked at me, and I could read a bit of worry on his face. He quickly tried to hide it „Hey, no need to thank me, I told you once before, if theres a damsel in distress, im here to help.“ „Damsel“ I snorted. „Doubt that a damsel would act so stupid as I did.“ I felt that awfull feeling of guilt taking over me again. „Look Maya, i'm really not the one to judge you here. Yes, what you did was Incredibly stupid, and lets be honest, you almost got yourself killed. When Lily called me and told me everything, I was so pissed at both of you, well you mostly, but also kinda excited that someone actualy took the matter into its own hands.“ I looked at him with awe, I didnt quite expect it. He continued „And frankly, I kinda expected something like this from you sooner or later, well at least the part of you coming to Duskwood. As I was running to my car, calling Thomas and filing him in on everything,I got really angry at you for not turning to me for help. You know I would help you no matter what, I told you that hundred of times before.“  „Yes Dan, I know you would.“ I said, even more of that guilt creeping in. „But you didnt! Then I tought, maybe afterall you didnt trust me enough as you said.“ „I did trust you, I do trust you Dan, you have to know that.“ Now even tears started forming in my eyes. „I know, Maya, its just how I felt at the time. And when I got to the mine, Thomas was already there, with this cop who was close by and responded to the call since I told Lily to inform that inspector guy. He said we should wait for backup, but stuborn as I am, I just rushed in, Thomas yelling after me, but I just kept running. Good thing they went after me, because God only knows what would happen if they didnt.“ I couldnt keep the tears anymore, and I just burst out crying. Dan got up from his chair, sat next to me on the bed, hugging me. „ As I said im not here to judge you, or make you fell more guilty. Heck, I might have done the same thing, or something worse. Things wer starting to get us really nowhere, and something happening was kinda of a kickoff for me. And im not mad at you any more Maya, just to get that out in the opet.“ „Thanks Dan, I really appriciate it.“ I barely managed through my tears. „Yeah,yeah, im awesom, I know.“ He grined at me, as i looked him with eyes full of tears. He huged me a bit tighter, and I rested my head on his shoulder. „You got me really freaking scared there in that mine, Maya. When I saw you like that..“ he paused.  „I cant say how much im sorry about all, Dan. I did more harm then good, and I betrayed all of you guys again.“ „Well, at the end, you did find Hannah, so im sure Thomas wont have that much of a grudge.“ He grined at me, handing me a tissue, wich made me relax a bit. „Yes I did. And how are our little love birds doing?“ i asked wiping the tears, as Dan moved back to the chair. „Oh, theyr fine. Thomas is not letting Hannah alone for one milisecond, wich is a bit too wooshy mooshy if you ask me.“ He mad a face of gaging. „Oh, c'mon mister tough guy, that picture Jessy sent me of you two from last night was quite mooswhy wooshy in my eyes.“ I said teasingly. „If you ever say that to anyone about me, and I mean ANYONE, i swear Maya...“ I didnt let him finish, I just grined „Dont worry, your mooshy wooshy secret is safe with me.“ „Good, good. So when are they letting you go from this shit hole?“ „Oh, come on, its not that terrible here: food is not bad, room is nice and quiet, and I have a killer wiev, what's the hurry?“ „I promised you some whiskey.“ he grined „And Jessy wont let me drink, but when you get out she wont be abel to say no.“ „ You really ARE scared of Jessy.“ I said laughing. „She might be small, but the woman is a dynamite when serious!“ I laughed so hard, the tea I just sipped when out through my nose. „Thanks Dan, I needed this.“ „Dan to the rescue.“ He smiled and winked. „Sooo...“ he starte, and I got a feeling I knew what he gonna ask me. „Did the 'hackerboy' contaced you by now?“ „His name is Jake, could you please not call him that anymore.“ I said a bit too stern maybe. „All right, all right, no need to get all serious on me now. Did 'Jake' contacted you?“  I hesitated for a brief moment before answering „No, nothing yet. And to be honest, might be better like that. I myself am not too eager for that talk .“ „Heh, I can understand that. If I was that much pissed at you back then, I dont want to imagine how much 'hac..' , sorry, Jake is pissed at you right now.“  „Well, I guess I will find out soon enough..if he still wants to talk to me at all.“  Dan putted on his serious face, but with a little grin on it „Hey, if he talks bad to you, let me know, i'll show him off!“ „Ohh, im sure you would enjoy that..maybe even to much.“ I said, him grinning even more. „But thanks, Dan, again, for everything.“ „Yeah,yeah, dont you get all wooshy mooshy on me now also.“ he said, getting up. „Well, I gotta go. You get better soon, and call if you need anything.“  „Thanks, Dan, sure will.“ I replied, and waved him goodby. Doris came shortly after Dan left, and got me off the IV, suggesting I take a shower. I grabbed the pack Jessy sent me, and went through it. I took out some underweare, clean shirt and sweatpants, grabbed the shampoons, tooth brush and paste and headed for the bathroom. The shower did feel nice, but it took me ages to finish it, since I was still quite sore. A big bruise at my ribs was still making me short breathed at the times, and all the other cuts and bruises didnt help with easing the pain either. I had a  cut on the back of my head, wich was the reason my head still throbed a lot. I brushed my teeth, looked myself in the mirror, and already could notice some color coming back to my cheeks. I got back to bed and took my phone, might aswell check those messages and emails, its not like I'm have anything smarter to do. Most emails wer not important, I answered a few I needed, and switched to messages. Most of missed calls and messages wer from the night of the incident, so not much replaying needed here. Cleo sent a message saying shes happy im ok, and she will come to visit soon. Thomas also sent a message, thanking me for everything, emphasising tho that I was reckles and how all could have ended differently, but still no grudges from his side. He was just too happy Hannah was back with him. Ofcourse, they all wished me to get well soon, and they cant wait for when I get out so we can all meet properly.I replied to both, thanking them for good wishess. Staring at my chats screen, I opened my conversation with Jake. He was offline, ofcourse. I stared at the blinking pointer on the text space, but I didnt know what to write. My head was blank, I couldnt think of anything. After few minutes I exited the chat, settling the phone aside, and turning the tv on. Maybe some movie or something will get me relaxed a bit. I switched through channels, till I found something acceptable to watch. I ajusted myself on the pillow, and before I knew, dozed off.

[jossambird]

about your post last night 👀

HCS OF OUR BOIs AND READER WITH CHRONIC PAIN?

Okay, Im going to add the headcanons for MY chronic pain (neck nerve damage) since I dont want to act presumptuous and assume/pretend I know what other chronic pains are like!

They know your having one of those days when your not out of bed at your usual wake up time.

If you sleep alone in your room, they will crack your door open and listen to see if your still sleeping, or if you will grumble for them to close it again.

If you sleep with one of them, as a friend or lover, they will DEF know since your tossing and turning and muttering out angerly about your pillows being too high/too low.

Axel definitely will listen and massage your area of pain, telling you to stop wiggling away from his cold hands and to relax. He knows it wont help much, but he wants to try. When hes done, he knows what will make you happier and he lets you cuddle against him. He will even go as far as ‘Pspsps’ the cats and listen to your laughter as they all flock around you in bed.

Otto, this giant teddy bear okay, he will listen to you mumble and groan and go start you a shower/bath, mentioning how nice it would be to lounge in bed all day and read with you. While you wash and relax under the hot water, Otto makes snacks and brings them into the room for you.

Oscar is already behind you, holding you close and handling you pain meds to take. He will go around the house doing all of your chores (and messing half of them up because he’s trying to hurry to get back to your side), just so you dont have to worry about anything. You watch movies together in bed, cuddled together.

The next day when your feeling better, running around and jumping and no longer high out of your mind on medication, they will simply sit and watch you, enjoying the knowledge that your body didnt betray you as much today.

Bonus: Medicated Reader (heavily based off of yours truly on her pain meds) :

They do not understand one word out of five that your saying. Your just giggling and falling asleep and giggling more. English is no longer your mother tongue, Sleep-glish is.

You will say the most inappropriate things and not remember them 5 minutes after.

18++!

“Axel, when you come back from your run, Ill lick the salty sweat off your pecks down to your dick if you let me.” (He smirks, flattered. He never ran this fast, too eager to arrive home and see you, but doesnt wake you when he comes back, prefering to wash first. When he does though, he takes you up on that offer if your feeling well enough, rubbing up against you to show just how much your affected him.)

“That Milkman suit of yours always makes my panties wet because everytime, I imagine you filling me up with your milk, bending me over in the milk van Oscar.” (He can’t put it on or even look at it after that and not imagine that mental image anymore. He makes sure to put it on one day and brings you out to the countryside, asking you if your feeling up to being bent over.)

“I want to ride you in the Sauna and have your big hands move me up and down your cock Otto. God Id love that.” (Otto thinks about it for days, face permanently red until he cant take it, gathering his courage and asking you to join him to a solo Sauna day together. When you realize its a private sauna for only the both of you, he asks if your feeling well enough to ride him.)

All three praise you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, congratulating you on being a good little lover and letting you know that you can stop if you arent feeling well enough anymore.

Because of course, your comfort comes first to them, no matter what.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hi sweety❤️ Can I have a fic where Arthur helps x reader who's having a panick attack? him calming her down, cuddling her... thank you so much 😘

My dear friend. Thank you sooooo much for your request. I really really hope you like the result.

Summary: You`re greateful for how far you and Arthur had come in your relationship, how much progress he made to experience true happiness. But then you discover one of his journal entries. Is he still in the same dark place he was before? Just the thought of him suffering is giving you a panic attack. But Arthur is right there with you...

The dim light from the tv screen was the only light that filled the living room. Murray Franklin was talking to a well known comedian. You watched Arthur resting on the couch. He was falling asleep during the live show, even though he was looking forward to this episode all day, he was so tired, his eyes got heavy when Ellis Draine and his Jazz Orchestra started playing already.

"One day" you thought watching him breathe in and out like it was the easierest thing to do when you suffered from waht he had been through. One day he will be sitting on Murrays couch and telling his own jokes. And his idol will be proud of him like a father. Because he deserved it. He deserved the world.

Arthur seemed at peace with himself sleeping. That was new. Which made you proud of how far you two have come in your relationship. He was getting better.You felt it every morning waking up, receiving your good morning kiss from his coffee stained lips and cigarette tasting breath. He was making baby steps but looking at it now, over a year later it was a total different world he was living in. The one you created together. Ever since you met him you wanted to cure him. To support and comfort him through everyday life. To help him out of his mindset which was all that he had known since he was little.

People kept telling you that it was impossible to heal wounds like his. To heal someone that experienced his kind of trauma. That all he needed was proffessional help. But you knew that they missed out at something. Just because he needed his meds didnt mean that love wasnt the key for his cure.  You knew that there were some scars hidden inside of him, buried so deep that it would take years to get through and be able to work on that. But you also knew that being  loved was the only thing in this world that could ease Arthurs pain and make him the man he always wanted to be. He was destined to be.

And every single day  spent together was proof that he was making progress. His smile became more and more genuine. His laughing fits didnt happen as often anymore and if so they wouldnt last that long because you would hold him and help him breathe until it was over. He also told you about his journal entries and how they changed. His therapist was also seeing the changes. He was talking about how much more poetry and beautiful thoughts filled the pages.

You gently stroke his hair. Watching him sleep always felt pretty intimate to you. He was so vulnerable and unaware of his beauty. But you knew that even in his sleep he was aware of another thing- your love. Thats why he was even able to get some sleep.

You took another close look at his face. You could never get enough of him. It was risky to give him a kiss on his closed eyelids. Arthur had a very light sleep and could wake up any second but there was no way to fight the urge to do so. His eyelid fluttered under the soft touch of your bottom lip, but he didnt wake. You let your index finger travel over his dark eyebrows. They were shaped so perfectly, matching his piercing eyes and the slight circles underneath them. His body was still stressed out from work. His fragile body which was trying so hard not to break down while starving.

His stomach problems caused by his meds was another thing you had to work through. You looked at the bowl on the table. he almost finished his soup today, which was a good sign. You smiled, got up from your knees and walked to his desk to get the empty cups of coffee from the morning. It was time to make the dishes.

But the moment you grabbed the cups his journal distracted you. It was opened. You wondered about his last entries, the ones he wanted to show you because he wrote some new poems lately.

It took you a moment to think about if it was even okay to have a look at the opened page but it was already too late. One sententence was marked, the letters thicker than the rest of the written words. It caught your eye without a warning. And when you read it, your heart stopped for a second.

"I just hope my death makes more cents than my life"

Why?

Why the hell would he write something cruel like that?

The letters started to blurr through your tears. One tear was falling upon the page. Right on the word HOPE.

Shit. Now he would notice that you came near this page. You nerveausly grabbed a handkerchief and pressed it on the spot where the tear was soaking through the page. It was too late, making it look even worse.

You started to cry , throwing the handkerchief on the floor.

Why?

Yo thought he was getting better. There was so much proof.

Did he felt like his life was worthless?

Didnt make any sense?

Was he feeling like all of this wasnt making sense?

You thought you helped him.

Was it al in your mind? His proress? Him becoming a happier version of himself? Was it all a lie you told yourself?

The possibility of Arthurstill being the same tortured soul as when you met him simply broke your heart.

Why was a beautiful and gentle soul like him suffering so much? How cruel can the world be to him?

Was he still wishing he was dead? Was he still lying in bed at night, fantasizing about ending his own life?  Would he ever hurt himself again? Risking to being locked up at Arkham, so there was no chance to share a bed together? Just visits with him being handcuffed on the other side of the table? Was there still a chance he was that unhappy inside?

Tears fell like rain.

The pain inside your heart grew with every thought that crossed your mind. If life was still torture to him, why wouldnt he talk about this to you? Didnt he trusted you enough? Was he embarrassed about how he felt? Or was it simply because he didnt wanted you to get worried about his condition?

It was all too much.

You started to feel like your throath was getting tighter. Like the walls were closing in. Everything inside of you screamed. There was this nameless fear inside of your guts. Possesing you, hurting you. It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

Dizzyness overcame you with all its power. Cold sweat. All of the sudden the happiness you felt while watching him sleep was being sucked out of your body. And now all you knew was fear.  Liek it was the only emotion left in the world. Pure, naked fear in its rawest form.

A panic attack.

You had experienced this before but never this intense.

You sat down on the chair, trying not to look at the opened journal again.  It hurt so much. All of it did. Your body. Your heart. Mostly your heart. And your head. Both heavy from tears and the thought of Arthur being suicidal.

Your breathing got heavier as you started to sobb.

And then you heard Arthurs footsteps. His naked feet on the floor. You woke him up. He was finally resting and you woke him. This made you feel even worse.

"Oh my god Y/N, darling. What happened?" He noticed your tears and heavy breathing.

"Dont worry....Arhur....please....just go back to sleep okay? You need your sleep.  You`ve been working hard today...."

Arthur checked your pulse "Oh shit, your heart is racing. Did you took any medication? "

"No..."

"Did something else happen?" He checked your forehead, noticed your shaking hands. "Looks like you`re having a panic attack. I know the symptoms very well. I had so many in the past when I woke up from nightmares."

You nodded. Still sobbing like a baby. Arthur gave you one of his handkerchiefes and started to stroke your hair "Oh darling, I kow this feels terrible. But it will pass. Just try to breathe. Breathe with me okay. Remember when you helped me breathe during my laughing fits? I will do the same with you now okay?"

"Okay"

Arthur lifted you up and carried you to the couch.

"Is that okay? Is it comfortable?" you nodded. He was so caring it broke your heart. He cared so much about you, while inside he was suffering from so much pain.

He positioned himself behind you, resting both of his hands on your tummy and told you to breathe in and out like he did. Until you felt your breath becoming one with his. Just as calm and deep.

"Good" he whispered, his gentle fingers under your shirt. He knew that skin on skin contact helped calming you down.

"You`re doing great" his voice was everything you needed to hear.

"Oh Arthur....I feel like I cant breathe...."

"Shhhhhhtt.....baby I know. I know how it feels. Your body is telling you lies. You can breathe. Just do it with me."

"You felt Arthurs chest lifting up and down, his warm breath in your neck. He was everything to you. You needed him to be happy.

Arthur placed thoughtful kisses all over your neck. As soft as a butterflies wings. You tried to concentrate on the details. His long , dark eyelashes crossing the spot behind your ears. The tip of his nose tickeling you. His muffled "I love you`s".

"I`m sorry I woke you up"

"Dont be!"

"There was this sudden fear coming over me. It was like....I thought I was dying."

"I´m right here with you Y/N. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, I promise!"

You nodded. Knowing he was right. Nothing could harm you with Arthurs arms around you. You just wished it was the same the other way around. Wasnt it the same?

His journal said it wasnt.  His written words hitting you like a knife.

"Do you know what triggered this?" He asked you, while his hand was caressing your chest.

Should you tell him? He would notice the wet spot on his journal page anyway.

"Arthur I am so scared to tell you this but...I was ...oh god....I was looking at your opened diary  page. It was lying on teh table when I was getting the coffee cups and there was this sentence that caught my eyes......" you started to sobb uncontrolable.

"What page?" he asked "Please dont cry. Ohhhhhh please ...." he pulled you closer to his chest so his heartbeat was pressed against you.

"You wrote....."I just hope my death makes more cents than my life...." Arthur. This hit me so hard. I didnt knew you still felt like this. I dont know.....what to say....I`m just.......oh Arthur....." you pressed yourself against him as if your life depended on it. Arthurs white shirt was now soaked with tears.

"Ohhh nooo darling. That was my old journal. My therapist wanted to bring it back to her to proof how much progress I made since I met you!"

You loosened your embrace to look him in the eyes "W-What?"

"Yeah" he shrugged "I just marked the darkest pages to see how far we have come and stopped at this one before going to sleep."

The weight of the world was falling off your shoulders "Really?"

"Yes.....oh  Y/N I am so sorry you had to go through these emotions just because I was so stupid to leave my old journal lying on the table. "

"You are not stupid Arthur!"

"Well this time I was"

"It was my fault....I shouldnt have looked at the page in the first place".

The air was finally coming back. Your body was starting to relax again.

Arthur held you close in his arms "That was the old me. And yes sometimes I´m still having dark thoughts but its just.....echoes from the past. Its not part of our reality anymore. Its just ghosts. They`re not real. Just trying to tell me lies. So I am not listening to them . I´m listening to you. To your words of love and comfort. I`m save with you. And you are save with me. Remember?"

"I remember Arthur. I love you so much!"

"I love you more"

"Thats impossible" you smiled, kissing his upper lip.

Arthur rested his head in the crook of your neck whispering "If I`ve learned one thing from being loved, its this: Nothing`s impossible - with you in my arms".

@impulsiveclown @will-you-be-there @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @ajokeformur-ray@damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss  @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella    @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos @sabrinaeileensnape @raven-romanoff