#i did not expect to like it this much i am having so many thoughts
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Sebastian listened to grandma Charlotte of course, trying to understand. She told him to keep Williamās needs in mind too, remember all the things he had done for him already ā that he would simply crumble if he would do as much as think about the possibility of Sebastian getting worse. Sebastian honestly couldnāt believe that ā William and crumble? Heād been so confrontational and logical with everything, setting up all those appointments and planning without a second thought, never one word of complaint. Sebastian couldnāt believe that it was so hard on William ā and even if, he never told him. Andā¦he would tell Sebastian of all people, if that was the case, right?
Charlotte reminded him not to assume the worst though, that there was a very good prognosis. Sebastian nodded of course and sighed: āYesā¦still. William never told me anything. I never expected him to do that much, he justā¦did it on his own. I love him, of course I appreciate it, itās justā¦I thought thatās just himā¦simply dealing with it. I thought he could deal with this better, he neverā¦said anything, that it was hard on him or... He never told me his thoughts or feelings about it. I thought he is thisā¦rockā¦and nothing can crush him. For me it was incredibly hard to even think about appointments and he just sat down andā¦set them up for me. I didnāt ask, likeā¦you see?ā, Sebastian spoke, kind of gesturing around a little, trying to explain his point. āI admit I was very focused on myself soā¦perhaps I didnāt notice, the toll it is taking on him too. Butā¦I also thought he would tell me when heās struggling. Like I tell him when I am strugglingā.
Sebastian had a few sips of tea again, Snowflake stretching on his lap before continuing to purr loudly once again. Maybe Sebastian truly didnāt realize yet how many feelings William might be holding in in this regard ā admittedly, he was quite occupied with himself latelyā¦ Maybe he should have noticed it more. He was Williamās partner after all. āI suppose I wasā¦quite selfish in that regard.ā
For I have sinned...
The principal cleared his throat, eyes scanning the notes that he had wrote down before this meeting. It already lasted an hour, and the teachers gathered in the faculty room were becoming restless and bored. But indeed there were some things to discuss, with the concert that the senior class was supposed to perform at the end of the semester, and with recent staff changes.Ā
William glanced down at his watch, sighing softly. His class was starting in 15 minutes, so at least, whether the meeting will be done soon or not, he will get to excuse himself. He looked out of the window, his mind wandering. Principalās voice turned into white noise in the background. It was a pleasant day, late summer. But William was looking forward to a slightly cooler weather. Wearing all black could really be bothersome at times.Ā
āAnd lastly, I am pleased to announce that we have finally found replacement for the violin teacher. Dear Mr Tanaka, may he rest in peace, was with us for so many years that Iāve been concerned we wonāt be able to find someone as good as to fill this position.ā the principal spoke.Ā āBut Mrā¦ Michaelis, was highly recommended to me, and he indeed has impressive references. He will be starting this week, so please welcome him warmly once he will arrive. Ah yesā¦ about that. He will arrive today at noon, I need someone to pick him up from the train station and bring over for the tour around the school. Any volunteers?āĀ
William was barely listening, and definitely not paying much attention. He glanced at his watch again, and saw that it was time to leave, as his class was about to start. He raised his hand to excuse himself, and little did he know, he just volunteered.
āFather William! Excellent!ā the principal exclaimed.Ā āJust donāt be late, the train arrives at noon.ā
āTrainā¦?ā William questioned, raising his brow. He had a feeling he was missing somethingā¦
***
Right after the meeting, William had to run for the class, so he had little time to clarify what exactly he had volunteered for. He was a piano teacher in this Music Academy, but also he served as a priest in local church. Well respected, and rather liked. So when he later found out it was about the new violin teacher, he didnāt refuse. Who, other than himself, would be a better choice to introduce a newcome to their community?
So even though he raised his hand by accident, he accepted this fate.
After classes, at noon, William took a taxi and drove to the train station, to pick up their new teacher. Wearing black trousers, and a black shirt with a thin tie, was absolutely dreadful in this weather, so William quickly found shelter under the roof of the station platform, that provided some shade.
The train had just arrived. William had no idea how Mr Michaelis looked like, but he figured he will just look for someone carrying a violin case with them.Ā
He was in for a bit surprise.
@crazyvik97
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all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)
please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read
disposable girl (jordyn)
(old)
i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL
(new)
man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. weāre all trying to figure out housing stuff, noraās been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that iād be living like this, i wouldnāt believe you. itās still surreal to me. iām not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i donāt wanna say who just yet, weāre still figuring things out, but iām just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didnāt believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funnyā¦..
irreverent girl (kairi)
(old)
I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.
(new)
When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents
splitter girl (tahira)
(old)
theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe
(new)
getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months cleanā¦ā¦ its the little things~ ^^
fainƩant girl (freyja)
(old)
i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make
(new)
my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me
caliber girl (nora)
(old)
åļ½It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I canāt. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I havenāt done leg day in likeā¦ weeks. Oh well, it doesnāt even matter. My value is depleting but I donāt think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I havenāt made any progress. I keep getting the same error and Iām too tired to figure out whatās wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(ē¬). If that happens, I think Iāll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. Iām sure Iāll be fine. Iāve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I donāt know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. Iāll be fine. Iāll just sleep it off. Shake it offā¦ shake it offā¦
(new)
My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml
chocolate box girl (morgan)
(old)
i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this
(new)
girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!
taxidermy girl (mayra)
(old)
I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over
(new)
Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice ā¦ The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ā¤ļø you random disabled ally with a pup mask on
chemical girl (joy)
(old)
LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right
(new)
i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon
refraction girl (nataana)
(old)
i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better
(new)
talked with my psych and iāll be starting TMS soon, itās some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and itās supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc iāve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but iād be lying if i said my hopes werenāt riding on this. i want to confidently say iām glad to be alive. i feel like iām getting closer to that
nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)
(old)
I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.
(new)
Iām meeting up with a new friend tomorrowā¦ I feel nervous, but itās a good nervousness, I think!
#the post traumatic manifesto#tptm#refraction girl#weevildoing#splitter girl#nurse parallel#chocolate box girl#chemical girl#disposable girl#faineant girl#irreverent girl#taxidermy girl#caliber girl
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Alright, everyone!
HERE ARE THE ASKS YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
Below the cut are the asks and my answers/responses. I do apologize for not answering these individually, but some of them contain spoilers for chapter 5 content. Given the developments and reveals of the chapter, I want to let things simmer a bit before I pop off responses like normal.
If my Nonies listed below want to pop back into the ask box and let me know they got their answer, I would appreciate that, but you don't have to either (or if you have an additional question or comment, that's fine too!). I will reblog this a few times to make sure you have a higher chance of spotting it.
I numbered the Asks and put my answers in another color so you can tell things apart a bit easier. This is a trial run on answering these this way. I will also tag things for spoilers. ^_^
Anon:Ā "There's a she-wolf in the closet" made me laugh so hard I cried sdfjglkjl I was not expecting that out of nowhere š¤£šĀ the temptation to name the wolf Shakira...............immense.
I'm so glad you got that reference! My husband and I sing that song to each other with the little "awoos" and all, lol. It was too good to pass up. Fun fact, if you name her Shakira, Oswin has a unique response.Ā
2. Anon:Ā Hmmm. "I like the name Aster I'll probably use it again" HMMMMM hMMMMM hmmmMMMM Is this new Aster the ??? RO
Remembered that, did ya š (I was quietly cackling when I wrote that for the old ask). You questioning Aster just makes me want to mess with you Nony, you can't tempt me like this!Ā
3. Anon:Ā Aster is so hawt, carressing our cheek w his thumb???? "i wont hurr you" pls let him be an ro bc gah damnnnn
Glad that did it for you, Anon, lol. There will be more of that in store. ^_^
4. Ravioli anon here, hope you remember me LOL I just finished reading the new chapter and I HAD A BLAST The whole gang in here now!!!!!! Aster is no longer question marks!!!! (I will admit when they were introcuded I almost, ALMOST expected their name in game to just be ???)
Hello Ravioli! Still chuckling about that I hope you know. The temptation was unreal to leave ??? in there, lol. At this point, even I know him more by that than his name!
Also to keep up with my perfect choice of names, my she-wolf is now named Der, because together we are Ravi and Der Get it, Ravi 'n Der. Consider this as a way to honor our dear grandma we were named after by our loving dads, you'll never be forgotten, you girlboss of a womanĀ
OMG, you are killing me over here, lol. This makes me want to code something for that, lol. Just your fathers shaking their heads at your MC while still being kinda amused and weirdly proud. Grandmother Ravinder would glare at you, but smile later.
5. @origamihoshi: Screaming about the necklace Oswin gives MC, my headcanon about MC wearing the snail shell as a necklace can now be canon! and I guess more reasons for my MC to be down bad for Oswin oops. I'm loving the update! I'm so happy to finally meet Rune, I love them so much! I wanna befriend them all. and I feel like there's been a good balance to spend time with all the characters so far and that makes me really happy. šAlso cuddling with Zahn was so sweet oh my god, I love them so much too! I got so many more questions about MC and the curse, and the mark for that matter, looking forward to when we finally get some answers.
I very, very nearly told you that when you posted your MC, I was so ecstatic. I thought if you while coding that section too. I am so glad you enjoyed the new chapter and new goodies. Lots of fun stuff to come! ^_^
6. @mutsuowo:Ā HELP I NAMED THE SHE-WOLF ASTER BECAUSE I FIRST CALLED THE MULE YARROW AND NOW I HAVE NOT ONE, NOT TWO BUR THREE ASTER* GOING AROUND (I know one changed to Lakota but the joke that count)
Whoops! Lol Sorry my friend! I don't think any more Asters are hiding about at least. Probablyā¦.
7. @mutsuowo: I got spoiled of Aster's name by accident and even then I mistook it for being Lakota, so I thought somehow Lakota had a divorce and took the children to be an option romance with the MC. Cue to me acting like a variety game host and going "We have a cult member, a magician, childhood friends and also a wolf...what about you Aster ? What do you bring to make we choose you ?" The answer was being a DILF
Lol! Oh dear, yeah, bestie has a quarter-life crisis and leaves his wife and 4 kids to live that DILF life. Love it, this is some quality daytime TV stuff. šĀ
8. Anon:Ā Hello there! I am currently in the middle of the newest chapter, very very good work! Spoiler ahead : So MC is absorbing magic? That might actually help the theory that somehow MC is a god, demi-god, or whatever that is: cursed because they are on this plane and needing magic as a very part of their being? I can't imagine that a god wouldn't be starving for magic if deprived of it. Perhaps in GC it's not magic gods handle, but something similar? The fact that we CHOSE the mark truly makes me think that somehow we were choosing an aspect of ourselves for some reason. Not only something physical either. If not our domain, perhaps a tell of why we were cursed in the first place ? I wonder if, before the Curse manifested, MC would have been flagged as a magic being ? I don't think there was anybody that could have sussed them out back then though ? Rune is amazing, btw, big fan. Can't wait for Purple Lad to accompany us and need a bath as badly as Duri did !
Oooh, are you perhaps my Nony who sent some other theories in about this? Very juicy theory as well. Next chapter you'll learn a bit more about Hayat's curse over the gods and see if it lines up or changes your thoughts more. š I'm glad you like Rune too! They are in for a new experience for sure. Even if they aren't as stuffy as other nobles, they definitely appreciate more refined things. The little town MC grew up in might be a bit of a culture shock.Ā
9. Anon:Ā Sooooo... I'm thinking we ARE the mad god ! A reincarnation of it at least ! Thinking about how the cult wanted us dead, I am thinking that as long as MC is alive, they can't have another incarnation of them. Ā But What exactly was it that drove the god mad ?
Oooh! This one is juicy too! These theories are so tasty! Lots of questions with this one. And like the one above, there may be some info in chapter 6 that may just give more evidence one way or another.
10. Anon:Ā Me on my first playthrough: oh, Oswin's pretty cute! I think I'll try romancing him first Me when I meet Zahn: oh no you can't just make me choose like that how am I supposed to do this Me when I meet Duri: are you kidding me. Ok screw it I'm romancing Duri Me when I meet Rune: FUCKAIJASJDSAAA Me when I meet ???: No reaction because I'm already combusted. I can't even anymoreĀ
Lol! I am glad and maybe just a tiny bit sorry that you're so torn, my dear. Let's find some glue and get you patched upā¦ ^_^
11. Anon:Ā HAVE THEORIES! NATHAN IS DURI'S UNCLE, AND ASS-TER -HE DESERVES THAT AFTER THE RING BUSINESS >:( - WAS RAISED BY THOSE ASSHOLES WHO ALMOST KIDNAPPED MC! (I am open to Asster endearing himself later, but I'm mad at him rn, how dare he hurt my already hurt, lovely, MC š”š”š”) Anyway, your writing is impeccable as always, can't wait to (perhaps) bring Asster to his knees (with love or spite, or maybe both?? He seems like someone easy to love-hate, lol). Tysm, for God Cursed, I love it <333
Yaaass, moar theories! That's a good one too! Nathan having some secrets wouldn't be shocking either. They'd get along tooā¦ And it is totally fair for MC to be salty! And ASSter is a perfect nickname, lol. It's also fair that in chapter 6 you'll be able to (try to) get after him about it. :3
12. Anon:Ā TW SPOILERS ''There is nothing I want more than to hear youā¦hear you say what you- Nothing moreā¦ But for your own sake. Y/N, I'm a monster. I have been a monster. Your heart should be free of thoughts of me until you know what haunts my sleep at night. If you can do that for me and your heart does not change, then I will hear those words and I will spend the rest of my days showing you what you mean to me.'' UUUUHHMMMMM, EXCUSE MEE?????? LIKE THIS IS THE MOST-ROMANTIC-NON-LOVE-CONFESSION I HAVE EVER HEARD??? EVEN THOUGH IT BURNS ME TO NOT KNOW WHAT AFFLICTS OSWIN, AFTER HEARING THAT I'M WILLING TO WAIT FOR HIM.
I love that you love this! I might have cried juuuust a little bit when I wrote that scene, lol (shocking, I know).
13. Anon:Ā replayed the IF from the start for the update and gosh i felt so bad for our dear MC who has gone through SO much in a (relatively) short amount of time. and the way MC just always thinks about their fathers makes me sobbbbbb. one that always gets me is the scene where MC cried out for their fathers when they were in pain (my heart broke when they said they wanted to be held by their papa). another is in the scene with jasper and co. (āi learned it from my fathers!ā, yesss go MC!!!!). but oh, just imagining the absolute heartbreak the fathers would feel if they knew how MC cried out for them and knew about everything that MC went through, makes me tear up! MC is SO loved by their fathers and MC loves them just as much and i love that. i hope weāll be able to give da and papa the biggest hugs when we see them again š„¹wonderful update, author! i absolutely adore the world youāve built and the brilliant characters youāve created (shout out to one my favs.. our new she-wolf friend <3)
I set out on this IF journey intending to be a bit hard on the MC and I think I succeeded, lol. It might be hard to believe but I really do love the MC as a character too and I feel for them. Hopefully not too hard, but they're on a journey of perseverance so I have faith in them. ^_^ That scene really tore me up too, especially thinking about how hard it would hit the dads to know their beloved kid was calling out to them. š I am so glad you enjoyed the update, my dear, there will be great big dad-hugs in the future, I promise (and more than a few tears). ^_^
14. Anon:Ā idk if it's choice or route-specific but, zahn was NOT looking good at the end of chapter 5 and i'm worried š
Not route-specific (unfortunately???)ā¦they'reā¦going through some things. š¬ (sorry in advance)
15. Anon:Ā Hi, hi!! Dropping by to blabber about the update after i've finally had time to lose myself in it! (Oh no it got long again.) Okay, so, from the very moment i saw your intro post (over half a year ago, methinks) i decided to go for Rune's route first. I have been very patient, very faithful. And now i can finally say it was so, so worth the wait!!! they have me wrapped all around their beautiful noble finger; they're perfect, they are everything (i mean, how many people can say a literal god shows up for their birthday? yeah, thought so). I know they are no exception either and have their own share of issues, but honestly? that's even better. I wish i was kidding about the amount of times i daydream about them. Look at me now how i'm smiling like a stupid idiot. And the fact that i can make my MC an absolute shy mess around them is just so!! *chef's kiss*Ā
"Oh no it got long again" is like the tagline for my existence, lol. I am so giddy that you adore Rune! I think they've had less traction since they weren't introduced until now, but I also believe they are just the type of person that is better experienced. I enjoy writing all of the ROs, but Rune is such a presence in my heart and I really hope that comes through.
Also, did Duri seriously rat them out like that? Umm, for science, of what nature, exactly, are the books under Runey's bed?
LOL and I'm so glad you caught that bit about their "hidden literature." Rune LOVES romance novels, including the ridiculous smutty ones even if the plot is kinda bad.
Anyway, moving on, because you fed us so well with the story once again!! Can i just say i love your brain? Can i? Is that weird? Apologies. So!
You can totally say that, lol. I appreciate that you think so, my brain frustrates me sometimes, but I like how smooth it is. Very soft.
We learned so much in this update, and yet our answers are still too far to reach--but that's the whole fun about this! I'm thinking things, i'm suspecting, but i'll hold onto my theories for nowā¦ It is indeed very fortunate that each of MC's new friends can seemingly contribute a piece to this vexing puzzle; question is, is the picture only missing the very last piece, or are all four needed for it to be complete? I'm folding my hands and patiently waiting to find out in future updates.Ā
Oooh, you're speaking my language, Nony. There are some theories up above, maybe those will get your mind spinning too. That's a very good question though too. Eveyone seems to have something that might help MC outā¦so the question could be, do they go full Power Rangers and combine them to solve this problem or is one strong enough on their own? Hmmmmm? Time will tell.
One thing i will say is, more people may know about MC and their whole deal than Oswin may want to even consider. People with not the best intentions, that is.
I'm sure it's fiiiiiine. Probably just aā¦crazyā¦crazy fluke. It's fine. š
Speaking of, Oswin is so sweet! He cares so much i think it's rending him apart. Perhaps he should partake of Nathan's pipe every now and then. You know, for recreational purposes. Frankly i admit i don't know how mean you still can be to Oswin because every time there's a choice during his scenes i just tunnel-vision to the friendliest one there. It really makes me feel sorry for him if there are MCs out there who are still bitter about their relationship. As he was opening up about what kinds of actual horrors he witnessed and had to deal with in consequence, it really made me think MC's little group should, as a side-quest, go out and find him a therapist, because this guy *slaps him on the back* can fit so much trauma in him!
That's a good way to describe Oswin. He feels very intensely and those emotions are difficult for him to manage. I try not to be too mean to him, but I do want to try and give a decent variety of responses to the past tension for some MCs. Negativity there isn't a huge focus, so I try not to go too far down the rabbit hole with it at least, lol. A therapist is a great idea for him, for real. You cracked me up with that reference, I imagine Lakota trying to sell him to the MC, lol.
Ā I see Zahn has entered the trenches(TM). Just after i had them repeatedly stabbed in MC's place. And just after they finally got to cuddle with MC. This is fine. Not gonna lie, for a solid second you had me believe we wouldn't see them come back from that totally not evil or at least highly doubtful church of theirs, and that we'd had to leave without them. Haha, no waay. Lunan wouldn't do that to them, right? Right? Oh thank gods. See? I was right. Anyway, it seems like their character development arc is coming up soon, so i'm keeping calm and not cracking my knuckles, not at all.
Oh yes, there will be some development soon here. Tee hee?
Duri is so fun. Their playfulness is so endearing, so much so that i find myself repeatedly swayed in my decision to have them in a (now mostly) platonic relationship with MC. Simmer down, you'll have your turn. It had me rolling how they snapped once the bandits insulted their feet lmao! Also, also, their dynamic with Rune? Mmm, so good. I love the kind of friendship that's like "yeah i picked up this weird wet dog one day and now it won't leave me be and it's annoying, but only i'm allowed to say that. here, have a treat."
I love that you love that. Writing Duri is fun and I get to break some social norms with them so it's a win-win for us all. The relation to Rune is a blast.
Moving on, Duri sniffing MC after they talked with someone they didn't know; Duri immediately leaping at the opportunity to tease a jealous MC; Duri coming to MC's rescue to put a harasser in their place--they can't keep getting away with being so charming! Oh wait, they can. Human laws don't apply to them, after all.
Duri is already so loyal. Like a pup you picked up at the shelter, the connection is pretty quick for them. Also, if you didn't know, you can also get Rune to get defensive of MC being harassed in the tavern. Currently thinking of changing the code of that, but if you choose to stay neutral or a bit distrustful of Duri, Rune will get involved instead. Both have the confidence and the power to back it up though, can't go wrong.
And Aster? Something is up with him. Big time. Bost obviously, his name. I don't know, i don't know, i'm not convinced it's a coincidence or merely "fate." I'm watching you, Aster. Okay, and yes, i see why MC might need his help, but he never once elaborated on that part where he said he needs MC for power. Sooo, naah, i'm not putting my egg in your basket, not yet. Especially!! After he so brutally demonstrated just how much of a bigger hand he has over MC. That was evil. (In a good way.) He's unhinged, and i love that in a character. I would not trust him even with a cheese grater.
That may be wisdom here for sure, lol. Aster is quite the character, as are all of them I suppose. All have secrets he especially has some serious growing to do. He'll be an interesting addition - and a very smug one at that. Maybe juuuust maybe MC can get him to feel a little remorse for being an ASSter, to quote a previous ask, lol.
I almost thought MC's group of friends were going to mistake him for the kidnapper and everyone would want to throw hands, or would at least be very leery of him, so seeing how easily he slotted in had me a little surprised (and i think he was a bit surprised himself).
That very nearly happened actually. I cut it because of chapter length, and I'm thinking I want to polish the ending for that anyway. I feel like I was burnt out while writing that and I pushed it too fast. So, we'll see what happens in futureā¦.
I really, really liked the option of having MC be scared of him after he put a cork (dart) in Jasper's mouth (throat). The head tilt afterwards? Wiping away a stray tear? "Now come sit with me on my picnic blanket designer cloak to talk about how everything is drawn to you, including me?" "I'll need to study you?" Yes, i'll take your entire stock.
I'm glad you enjoyed your dessert, Nony. ;) There will be some serious studying in the next chapter.
Oswin being extremely quiet while MC was recounting their failed abduction because he was still recovering from those 6 panic attacks he had since finding MC's room empty and with signs of struggle.
THIS absolutely. MC may get an account of the experience later.
Ā i can't wait to see what the dads are going to say about each of MC's new friends! I can already imagine who might not entirely vibe with whom, especially if papa and da are going to be in a sour mood after they see my (feral despite being the healer of the party) MC scarred and sore despite their letters containing nothing but rainbows and sunshine (oops). MC's right, though, how are they going to house so many people lol.
This will be so much fun, especially when it comes to sleeping arrangementsā¦A couple ROs will get themselves sorted but there's a couple that we might just get a "one bed" trope with, lol.
And last but not least, MC got the promised puppy!!! (i named her "Ginger" <33)Ā
Oh that is such a cute name too! She is kinda the color of ginger and she's also very gentle (ginger) AND she can be very spicy if you piss her off. Very gingery.
I have been here before and gushed about your writing on multiple occasions and i don't want to repeat myself over and over, so i'll just reiterate once more that i'm constantly blown away by how real and vivid you make everything feel. You're putting things down and i'm picking them right up, thank you, thank you, yup, i'll have that as well, thank you. You're painting pictures inside my head, and they're gorgeous and vibrant and moving now--hey, how did you even get in here? I'm convinced you're a mage. MC is not the mage here (yet?), but you sure are!! It's okay, you may fess up now. As always, thank you so much for all your hard work! May your holidays be full of joy and rest! Take care <333
I am so thankful that you resonate so much with my writing, my friend. That really truly makes my heart so glad and encourages me to keep at it. I hope each chapter brings you more and more enjoyment and adventure. ^_^
16. @rhiannon02:Ā IM SCREAMING OVER CH 5 LITERALLY SCREAMING ASTER ??? IM IM LOSING IT
Well, hang on dear, maybe I can help you find it, lol. (I heard that one in my soul) ^_^
That's all for now! ^_^
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Azel Radwan Main Story
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This translation is fanmade and strictly for entertainment purposes only. All media and original content belong to Cybird. Do not use, claim as your own, repost or reupload onto other platforms, reblogs are welcome.
<< Azelās POV >>
True loveā to me, is the most evil of curses that must never befall me.Ā
I have yet to come to know love.
But I want to someday fall in love and understand what it is.Ā
A passionate love like a rose set ablaze, and a fierce love that stays on for eternity like a woven tale.Ā
...
<< Emmaās POV >>
??? (Azel): I have some unfortunate news for you, who yearns for love and thirsts for knowledge of what it is.
???: Love is not the grand blessing it is often proclaimed to be.Ā
???: At the very least, love is something I would very much rather do without.
???: ā For I am a god incapable of loving people.Ā
...
Clavis: Emma, youāre going to Tanzanite soon, right?Ā
Luke: Honestly, I didn't expect that youād go without him tagging along.Ā
Rio: I really do want to go with her!! What if something happens to her when Iām not thereā¦!?Ā
Rio: But if staying behind will help Emma feel more at ease on her trip, then Iā¦ Iāllā¦Ā
Clavis: Haha, you can be rest assured about that.
Clavis: Because weāll be her bodyguards in your place.Ā
(Seriously, what's going on here!?)Ā
After fulfilling my duty as āBelleā, I set off for the dazzling kingdom of Tanzanite with the bookstoreās owner and self-proclaimed bodyguardsā.Ā
That land was home to the one and only god revered by all its inhabitants.Ā
ā¦
Azel: If youāre interested, I could divine your future for you.
Azel: Please, allow me to repay you for going out of your way to come to a place like this.Ā
I thought he was a benevolent and kind god.Ā
Howeverā...Ā
ā¦
Azel: Itās time for collection.Ā
Emma: C-collection of?
Azel: Don't tell me you thought I performed the divine art of fortune-telling for free?
Emma: But you said it was a token of gratitudeā¦!Ā
Azel: Shall I let you know what happens when you defy me?Ā Ā
His true nature turned out to be that of a money-obsessed and ill-natured god!?Ā
Fooled by his scheming antics and caught in his trap like a prey, I fell into a life of servitude, being worked to the bone like a slaveā¦Ā
ā¦
Azel: Be that as it may, I have another errand for you.
Emma: Another one!? I just came from shopping.
Azel: How pitiful. But Iāll have you remember that youāre indebted to me.Ā
Azel: You would be spared from running any more errands if you could repay your debt in full, howeverā¦
Azel: That's not at all possible, now is it?Ā
ā¦
Azel: Delicious.Ā
Emma: Snacking is forbidden!Ā
Azel: Doesnāt matter whether I eat now or later.Ā
Emma: Itās bad manners.Ā
Azel: Preaching manners to a god?Ā
Emma: It doesn't matter whether youāre a god or human. Your feelings will never be conveyed effectively if you don't speak up.Ā
Emma: Sneaking bites of food or using me as a shield to fend off women, Iām not happy about either of those!Ā
But as I spent more time with this living god in his isolated castle in the desert, I came to realise something.Ā
ā¦
Emma: First of all, you have an abnormal sense of personal boundaries.Ā
Azel: Huh? What does that mean?Ā
Emma: No one behaves like this with someone who's merely an acquaintance.
Emma: You said that youād āhate if I fell for youā, and yet you haveā¦ a strange sense of personal boundaries.Ā
Emma: Iām surprised because you do many things that people normally don't.Ā
Azel: ā¦ Because Iām a god.Ā
Emma: That explains why youāre so detached from realityāĀ
Emma: *incoherent words*Ā
Azel: (muttering under his breath) ā... I only did it because you looked cold.Ā
ā¦
Emma: ā¦ By any chance, did the living god himself carry me to bed?Ā
Azel: ā¦ No.
Emma: Then what about the part where I was clinging onto youāĀ
Azel: That one is true.
Emma: āThat oneā?Ā
Azel: ā¦Ā
(... I think I might be starting to understand Azel.)Ā
Before I knew it, an unfamiliar feeling began to sprout in my heart. A feeling different from the frustration Iād felt beforeā¦Ā
That feeling marked the beginning of a tragedy.Ā
ā¦
Emma: ā¦ Countless people are suffering right before your eyes.Ā
Azel: And what about it? Iāve said it before, haven't I? Iāve long been disgusted by humans.Ā
Azel: If you think god is supposed to be some kind of benevolent entity, you make me laugh.Ā
Azel: Whatever happens to mere mortals is none of my concern.Ā
ā¦
Azel: Akatsuki, I advise you to leave Tanzanite before the full moon.Ā
Akatsuki: ā¦ Are things about to get worse?
Azel: Indeed. It wonāt be long before they do.Ā
The changes in the world grew closer with every passing moment.Ā
And then, the moment I discovered a truth hidden deep within the isolated castle in the desert ā I came to know about a ācurseā.Ā
ā¦
Azel: You touched what you should never have.
Azel: Did you think you could get away with it unscathed?Ā
(After crying my heart out, I have to make a choice.)Ā
(Will this be where I bid farewell to Azel? Orā¦)Ā
ā¦
Azel: When and where did I start going down the wrong path? I never intended to love you, not even in the slightestā¦Ā
Azel: Iāve lost my wayā¦ how terrible. And the worst part is that I can bring myself to hate it.Ā
ā¦
The god started off praying to never know love, and eventually wished to know what love was in the end.
Is true love a curse that turns people into beasts, orā?Ā
#ikemen prince#ikemen series#cybird ikemen#ikepri translations#ikepri azel#azel radwan#ikepri jp#cybird otome
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Hello, Jen! I hope youāre having a lovely day today. š
Iām not sure if youāve ever experienced this, but I feel like thereās a specific kind of loneliness that comes with being a lesbian. Having a sexuality that stems from the absence of men makes me feel very removed from other people, sometimes even other queer people. Have you ever felt that way? How do you handle that? As much as I love being a lesbian, sometimes I yearn to be attracted to men just so I feel a little less lonely.
I would say I have felt the isolation and loneliness you are talking about even in LGBT+ spaces.
In high school many of the girls around me were "boy crazy" and they were at once made to feel bad for that and praised. It was weird to me as I watched them talk about how great boys were only to also hear them in secret being grossed our OR worse, scared of the boys they publicly "chased".
Since I felt the no real need get the attention of boys but knew it was expected I thought it was a phase. That we were all like of faking it until the attraction was real. That set me up to very often second guess any feelings of sexuality towards women, thinking it was me misinterpreting the way everything was supposed to play out.
As I got older most of my friends in college were gay men or women who dated women but did NOT use lesbian and almost all of them them went on to marry men while the gay men continued on as gay men. This made me feel like perhaps I was the odd one out. I did have an RA who was out and open but I was skeptical I could ever be as brave or confident in my sexuality as she was. What happens if I too was in a phase and had to leave behind any woman I formed a relationship with only to grow up and marry a man?
I literally was waiting for the "phase" my mom and my peers and media was telling me I was in to finally end. Thankfully (because I LOVE being a lesbian) it was not a phase. The phase we being unsure and repressed about it.
The good news that I can impart from experience is that the more lesbians you meet the more you see that you are not alone and we can experience different things and still deeply connect on our sexuality. It gets less lonely as you get more life under your belt and truly love your sexuality as a lesbian for things that media can't explain but other lesbians can. The deep connection to women, the intimacy that is mutual and so warm it makes your entire body and mind content while in each other's arms.
I used to want to be straight just because it looked easier and safer. Now I would take on hell or high water to stay just as a I am.
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Hii, I saw you were doing requests for Marauders era things... Would you be keen to do a jegulus fic? would love to see them with a neurodivergent reader or something š thank you !!! Ok if not comfortable
Thank you for your patience anon, if you're still around! Inspiration finally struck as I'm currently working through my own processes with my neurodivergent & mental health things. So I felt like what better time than now to write some fic therapy? Hope you enjoy! š¤
The Art of Trying
Warnings: some angst and miscommunication. Good ending tho. My own personal portrayal of how neurodivergency shows up for me š¤ but I know it's a spectrum for everyone. I'm no expert, just a human existing and trying.
James knew your routine well. He'd even adjusted some of his own so it could match up with yours well, which luckily didn't take too much effort given you were both early risers. Regulus, however, was the night owl of the three of you. He only woke up well after James and you had finished your morning tasks, and would work around the house quietly at night. But despite this, you'd all found a peaceful compromise in your daily lives so that this relationship could be at its absolute best. Thriving, he would say.
That was until Regulus got a new job that required him to be out by 8am. Which meant, a change in how you all lived and did things.
For James, the change was easy. He thrived with more people around, and waking up at the same time as his other partner felt like heaven. But for you... He knew this was a lot harder on you than you were admitting.
It started off fine, you also enjoyed the extra kisses and cuddles the first day, the second even. But James could tell that as you settled down after the excitement, the reality must have set in because you stopped making eye contact with them on the third day. Avoided their touches on the fourth.
By the end of the week, your voice turned cold.
"Can I please have some room." You mumbled out with a bit of an edge. Your body sliding carefully by Regulus's but not touching him. Reggie was making breakfast, some sort of omelette situation, but that meant there was cutting boards and cheeses and utensils all around and no space.
James was sitting at the breakfast nook with his coffee, reading over the Daily Prophet when he perked up at the tone.
"Of course darling," Regulus said, wand out immediately as he tidied up. "Apologies for that. Would you like an omelette?"
You grabbed your usual bowl, your yogurt, not even looking up to answer. "No thanks." You grabbed your things, saying a quick have a good day before you left for the bedroom and closed the door shut.
Now Regulus had been aware you were having a hard time adjusting, they'd anticipated it even. So he tried his best to accommodate your needs, but at the same time he had his routines as well. And he struggled the same, if not differently from too many changed to his own routine. James could tell the cold and distant attitude was affecting Reggie now as well, despite how patient he tried to be.
"Reggie y'alright?"
"No, James. I am not alright." Reggie sighed. "I feel like as if walking on glass, and by the time I get to work my day feels ruined. They barely looks at me, barely talks. Anything I do I feel as if it's wrong and I cannot- I don't want to shut her out. I don't want to shut down." He took a shaky breath in.
James was up in a moment, wrapping Regulus up in his arms. "I know, I know." He paused, focusing on easing his partner while he thought. "Maybe it's time we talk about it again, yeah? I know we discussed the change before, but it's obviously affecting them and you both more than you expected."
Regulus sighed as he rested his head on James' chest. "I suppose your right. I miss them, James."
James' heart cracked, "I know baby, but we can fix it yeah? This is fixable."
James felt Reggie nod on his chest. "Yeah," he mumbled.
He pulled Regulus back by his arms, "Would you rather talk to them now or after work?"
Reggie paused before letting out a breath. "Now, please."
He nodded and took Reggie's hand into his own, making their way to your bedroom as James knocked on the door. "Lovely?"
"Yeah?" He heard you mumble from within.
"Can Reggie and I come in for a moment?"
There was a long pause, an obvious tell on your end that you were aware that there would be a conversation happening. He gave you space to mentally preparing, waiting until eventually you let out a soft "Sure."
As James opened the door, they found you with your bowl empty and your tea forgotten, instead your back sat straight against your bed while you twisted your fingers in the top sheet.
"What's up?" You said in a forced nonchalant tone. He noticed your gaze focus on their interlocked hands.
"We just wanted to check in for a bit. Mind if we sit?" James said.
You nodded and the boys moved to the space across from you as an awkward silence filled the air. Your hands kept twisting at the sheets nervously until you'd notice and stop. Then just started up again.
"We've noticed you've been shutting down more lately, and we're just wanting to see how you're feeling if that's alright." James started.
Your faced dropped into a mix of guilt and sadness. "I'm... Adjusting."
"We know these things take time, of course." James placated, noticing Reggie's own guilt and frustration reflecting back in his face now. He squeezed his hand. "But you haven't really talked to us much since the change in schedules, and it feels a bit like you're shutting us out is all. We're worried."
You chewed on your lip, eyes glancing about as you thought. Not once landing on them.
"I just- I'm having uh... Hard time with. The difference." You managed out.
James nodded. "How so?"
"The sounds, the space, it's... Just different. And I feel myself getting frustrated and I don't wanna get mad at you guys because it's my brain, not you. You're not doing anything wrong. So I stay as long as I can, but it's just getting harder and I-" you choked out as you crashed your head onto our palms. "I just don't wanna take it out on you, I'm sorry. I don't know how to deal with this yet."
Reggie spoke up then, his voice calmer as his hand reached out to touch the fabric in front of you. "Darling, look at me please."
You lookes up warily as Regulus scooted closer, leaving James' side. "May I?" He asked, his palm up.
You placed your hand in his.
"It's not easy, when it feels as if our brains are working against us." Reggie started. "It's as if we are not cut out for the world and the world was not made for us. We may not be able to control how our brain interprets or how our body reacts, but we can choose and train ourselves to do the best we can. To try."
Regulus's hand reached up slowly to touch your face, giving you time to pull away if you so chose. "I want to try. I don't want my own inside rules to stop me from loving you the way that I want. The way you deserve." He paused and took a deep breath in and out. "But I also need you to trust me. To talk to me. This morning, yesterday, I-"
James put a supportive hand on Regulus's shoulder. Regulus seemed to struggle with his words, so James gladly chimed in. "We just want to support you as best as we can, but we also need to make sure we're all good too. And the only way to do that is if we talk about it. Are you okay with that lovely?"
You nodded, but kept your gaze down. "I'm sorry, I know this is a lot and I genuinely wish I knew how to deal with this better. Communicate better. I'm not... I'm not gonna be perfect at it. It may come out wrong."
Regulus tilted your now tear stained face up. "It doesn't need to be perfect. Just try, okay? And I will too. I most definitely do not say the right things always, nor do I express myself very well. Yet you've always been patient and non judgmental of it. Can you trust me to be the same?"
You held his gaze, doubt blooming behind your eyes. "I trust you I just-"
"Have been hurt by plebians before who couldn't deal with honest communication," Regulus finished.
You looked down at that and nodded slightly.
"We don't want you to be perfect," James supplied. "We just want you. As you are, as youve always been. That's all we want."
You met his gaze and reached your hand out to James. It's like his body could finally relax, touching you. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you guys about it. That I just shut you out."
"S'alright lovely. We get it." James said. "Maybe this is something to talk about with your therapist yeah?"
You nodded, "Yeah, I haven't seen her in a while. Probably should."
James couldn't help but smile at you, at how much he knew that phrase alone took you ages to get even comfortable saying. Going to a therapist and finding one you trusted. He couldn't help but feel himself fill with pride.
Regulus's voice suddenly broke the comfortable silence. "Well I also get it, but it wasn't alright. I've had to deal with work and life all without your cuddles and I've been quite remiss to be honest." James could swear a sort of pout apparated on Regulus's face as he spoke and then disappeared just as quickly.
James sees the slight amusement trace your lips, but you surprise him when you speak with such a deep sincerity and vulnerability instead. "I'm sorry Reggie. I'll make it up to you, I promise."
Regulus nodded before you leaned in for a quick kiss. Then turned to place one on James as well.
"Well! I don't know about you but that just gave me all the energy I needed today," James said with the biggest smile on his face.
You laughed, a beautiful laugh, at the same time Reggie scoffed but didn't disagree. He even went to kiss you again.
James knew that things might come up again, that it's wasn't all solved. But you loved each other, trusted each other, and that was enough.
#jegulus#jegulus x reader#james potter x regulus black x reader#james potter x reader#regulus black x reader#starchaser x reader#starchaser#marauders era#fuck jkr#longlivedelusion originals#neurodivergent reader#angst with a happy ending#non gender conforming
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sinmas thoughts
Okay so I literally just finished the episode an hour ago! And !! Omg
Okay first off deeply concerned about a few things
Like yes yay the elsa bitch guy getting beat up was great but like how fucking easy is it going to be for him to turn around and go hey these peasants attacked me in my own home and it's back to them about to be executed. Like there's no fucking way there isn't consequences for this
Did anybody else notice millie getting punched by elsa bitch really fucking hard right in her lower stomach. Because I sure did! What if she's not pregnant after that what if she comes to terms with being pregnant and starts to get excited only to find out her baby was murdered before it even had a chance.
There were...a lot of fucking pill bottles there. Were they empty or did stolas just mass order his fucking pills. I am worried that via will start to take them. After all she's alone in a traumatic household with her world burning down around her
Speaking of via her powers!! Coming in! And them being sporadic as fuck and tied to her emotions? Can't wait for her to literally blow everybody up that'll be a fun time.
Still on via, bot really a concern just something I'm thinking about. The way via knew immediately not to argue with her mother, or even attempt to get her phone back or get an extra one or anything at all is very telling. The way she knew to just immediately put her headphones in and keep her head down and to go hide in her room. The way she went even further to hide in her closet before starting to sing? (How many times do we think she heard her mom berate her dad for singing) i think via knows her dad was being abused but hasn't yet fully realized what that means and is (understandablely) having a lot of feelings in every single direction.
Luna seems so much more happier and relaxed! She has friends now! She's laughing and smiling and not wearing exclusively dark clothes! She's openly calling blizo dad with out the grumbling! She just seems a lot more settled and happy now and honestly good for her!!
Idk why but I was not expecting stolas to sound like that. Just the way he said pussy caught me off guard for some reason. There were a couple other times where that happened but I don't really feel like listening them all out. Also. Fucking weird to be seeing stolas's pupils now.
Also!!! Stolas's face as m&m tore into each other. Wow. You know he was freaking the fuck out there and reliving some shit.
Speaking of background faces; the imp servants at the palace. Yah they all looked miserable and terrified. Not surprised but still yikes! With stolas they were always very much done with his shit , tired, and resigned but none of them seemed really terrified/upset like they do now.
Love that we don't really get overly nice manipulation Stella on via. Like she didn't even pretend to give a shit about her for more than that one second did she.
Blitzo calling stolas his bottom instead of just... literally anything else. Like he literally did not have to do that. But also confirmed stolitz dom/sub contract? š or is this blitzo being himself and I'm reading too much into it.
All of us secretary! Stolas secretary! Stolas only for it to turn out that he hates it so fucking much ("I'm poor now! Melts into a puddle oh man. )
#helluva boss#stolas goetia#octavia goetia#blitzĆø#stolas x blitz#millie knolastname#moxie helluva boss#Luna#sinsmas#helluva boss spoilers#New episode let's go#I got to spend all day caving and there's a new one? Best day ever!#Post episode thoughts#Spoilers#Me: seeing stoliza dance aw were getting a cute episode#Me: after watching emotionally devastated what. The.fuck#m&m helluva boss
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Probably very few could say why they are loveless. We understand where, like...5% maybe of human identity and behavior comes from. When so much of it is learned and taught, there's just so many undefinable and unknowable variables. I don't know why I am the way I am any more than you probably do. I can pick apart bits and pieces, but I can't tell you what lead to most of me turning into me.
I can tell you why I chose to identify with loveless: because love has always been a foreign and uncomfortable concept to me. When I was younger, it was meaningless. It was a phrase my mother said to me because that's what moms are supposed to say, and my mother was great at playing this role society has assigned her. Learning to say 'I love you' to my mom was like learning to say my name. It's just something I needed to know, I guess.
Then I started getting a bit older and more people, like friends, started using it, and I never got that. What did they mean? How could they know they loved me? What even was love? Love was a word I was taught, but I had no idea what the actual concept was supposed to be. I guessed I loved my family because they were my family, and I lived with them, and that's what you were supposed to do. But taking such a heavy, serious word and applying it to friends? Seemed like too much responsibility. What if I was wrong and I didn't love them? What did being loved by them entail from me?
So I never really said "love" outside of a familial context, where I only really said it because that's what was expected of me. I never understood love or connected with it. The idea of people loving me didn't feel good. It felt scary and overwhelming and confusing. In media, love always seemed to be constrained to parents/children and people who loved each other romantically/sexually. I didn't experience sexual attraction, so I didn't think I could love anyone.
Then I discovered asexuality and the split attraction model, and romanticism opened up as a possibility for me, and I eventually got into a relationship.
I thought I loved him. I really did. I thought giving him all of myself, folding myself into these impossible knots and cutting away all the pieces of me he didn't like (which seemed to be all of them) was love. I thought completely changing myself to be smaller and submissive was love. But it turns out he was abusive and incapable of loving me. He manipulated my feelings. That wasn't love. It was a fucking trauma bond.
Then I found loveless. What a relief. Another discovery that I'm not broken: I'm just different. It doesn't make sense to me because I don't feel that way. I don't have to love to care about people or treat them with respect or work to make the world a nicer and safer place. I don't have to love to be the person I want to be.
Being loveless means respecting my own feelings and living authentically, not trying to fit a mold that was never made for me.
Can loveless aro/aces explain to me why/how they are loveless? Not that I don't think y'all are real, I just want to understand further.
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screw whatever else i've said; the most important thing you can do in this lifetime is watch tv
#i started king the land the other day and OH MY GOODNESS#i did not expect to like it this much i am having so many thoughts#i am only in the middle of episode six#last night i went to bed in between episodes 3 and 4 and i was like. i am so ready to go right to beddy bye shut my tired little eyes#and i slept for 7 straight hours. that was like 10:30 PM to 5:30 AM exactly#i NEVER sleep like that#it was like i had been possessed by the god of longed-for and timely slumber#do you know how hard it is for me to go to bed or wake up that early?#depsite the fact i do it on a regular basis for work it is NOT natural to me#going to bed stresses me out and it takes a lot more work than it ends up being worth aldsfkaf#which is to say i practice good habits but bc of my anxiety it ends up not being very restful#i constantly wake up during the night etc.#tales from diana#a good tv show will put me to bed like magic. that's what im betting on. do your thing tv show!#by the end of episode 6 i better feel like a sleep fairy has cast me under her spell like i did last night#wouldnt that be great!#anyway i wish you all a good night's sleep. goodnight zzzzz
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Challenge level: Impossible (Patreon)
#Doodles#Spoiler alert: I was in fact not normal about it lol#You can tell those first two are old by comparison for how short my hair was at the time lol#From back in July! I guess I just hadn't been drawing myself much there for a bit huh#As for that last one I swear I Promise I drafted this in September it's not a reference I'm just actually genuinely Like This lol#I didn't choose this life etc. etc. lol#From the top!#Burst of inspiration wherever could that have come from hehe <3 What could've happened in July that made me want to draw I wonder hehehe#Bit funny considering I fell off posting - not like the inspiration stopped! And what I Did draw was Very lol#I still have some of it in an ever-present photoviewer because I like being able to look at it at any point <3#Still inspired! Still want to do more studies!! So pretty ā„āŖā«#Sleepy thoughts - I had my Pkmn Diamond/SoulSilver field dex/guides for all of like two months and then they were packed up again#And this was Before the Pokemon burst! Sheesh sheesh#I love my field guide dexes they're so neat and well-made ahh#I have got a couple craft projects still back-burnered - those papercrafts to do with Pokemon are still on the list!#A little Pokedex-notebook is so fun.......And I have Pokemon stickers that I could put in it or on it......ah........#I do want to! I will at some point the energy will return to it eventually#Alright so the main course lol#Went fabric shopping for plushies because yes I Am determined to Make Thing! Another that's been a bit backburnered - but I will!!!#I do still really want to it's turned out pretty good for far :) But while I was shopping!!#We did the usual small talk thing with the store employee like ''Oh what are you buying this for'' that whole back-and-forth#So I explained that I was making plushies and needed the tear-away stabilizer to draw the embroidery outline on#In my head I was being very tempered because while /I/ know that I'm making a Max plushie not many people are familiar with him (wrongly so)#Lol#So we continued and he was like ''Oh cool I've made some patches with embroidery :)'' so I asked of what and he lead with CotL's crown#And then-#Look Zarla's work was Already on my mind with Max as my project I was in a Delicate Way already do you really expect me not to talk about it#The answer was no and he walked away with a Vargas recommendation in his pocket I hope he enjoyed it lol#And I got my fabric and started work on Max's face it's fine it all worked out in the end it's all good it's great lol#I Was encouraged to come back with my finished project so that's on my to-do once I get him in a presentable state haha
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#i will warn you only once: tsc spoilers#literally just finished it as i am drafting this its 5am where i live#so you may be subjected to some nonsense#that all being said i have thoughts.and feelings#the kevin was lovely and tasted delicious! jean defending him at every turn even when he swears to hell and back he'll kick his ass#the kevjean was surprising i was only half expecting that#the dog metaphors i have to say i need this one cashed in. nora run me my check#im joking of course dont quote me on it#jean taking kevins promise to the end and living on it is seriously so. well.#'be careful with him' 'take kevin's name out of your ignorant mouth' 'you promised me'#also kevin getting called the court's queen had me tender and on my back oml#jean's relationship with the trojans is sweet and he is very interesting and complicated#a character with many moving parts im sure#there were a few things i did not care for#namely jeremy and the trojans felt remarkably flat to me bar lucas (by far the most interesting) and catalina on occasion#i didnt quite enjoy jeremy's pov and felt like he spent perhaps way too much time worrying over jean? if that makes sense#i wish he had some more complexity to him or really anything to catch a hook on#all we know is hes attractive and smiley and gets along terribly with his family#so much of his character is sucked out by jean he didnt feel like much more than a plot device to me#which i wouldnt mind if jeremy wasnt the literal main character alongside jean#i was living for everything jean thought but had to drag myself through jeremy's pov if im honest#uuuuh what else. neil! funny. deranged. i have to love him#andrew couldnt give less of a fuck about jean which is funny as all fuck#two bugs placed in the same habitat ignoring each other#the thing with elodie i thought was complicated. i wish we knew some more about her or that shed been mentioned a little earlier#but im assuming thats a topic to be revisited#uuuuuuuh yeah so thats most of it. i think my first thought and the one that sticked out the most to me is that the book felt remarkably#pedestrian#not necessarily in a bad way#it lacked to me one of the main appeals of aftg which were the numerous interesting side characters
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^the sillies. š
#lem liveblogs#videos#xivposting#dt spoilers#OF COURSE THE QUEST CALLED āSIBLING RESCUEā WOULD BE MY FAVORITE SO FAR. WAUGH#THE FUCKIGNG. SYNCHRONIZED DISTRACTION/ATTACK RUCRED MOMENT??? I DIDNT EVEN WRITE THAT THEY DID THAT FOR ME!!!!!HELLO!!!!! ZNFKWNDZ!!!!!!!!#rudy is making so many new friends already this expac :ā). heād get along with wuk l.amat instantly-#& would want to be close with eren.ville & now these recent events wouldāve warmed him up entirely to k.oana. waaahhhh!!#i like how k.oana is introduced as the smartest claimant but is also shown to have a lot to learn from wuk l.amat.#theyāre cute!! they inspire each other to grow!!!!! weh!!!! <33#iām SURE the story will be flipped entirely on its head at some point because xiv loves doing that;#but if the dawnservant trials DO conclude without a great tragedy happening i hope wuk l.amat & k.oana help rule together.#they have such different areas of knowledge they could work togetherrā¦.!! if everyoneās fine and there arenāt any Final Days moments .#iām not sure what i expected from dt but i am enjoying it more than i thoughtā¦ the environments are soo pretty!! :ā)#xiv has gotten SO much better at portraying different cultures since arr. i hope iām not speaking too soon but the people weāve met-#have been treated with so much respect so far! and learning about everyoneās beliefs and ways of life is so fun!!!!#the same people in eorzea are treated so badly and isolated from everyone else its like night and day compared to tural my goodness .
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i just donāt understand. why say ur ready to talk if you arenāt?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl donāt mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said theyād lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(āit was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which wouldāve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually werenāt ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so itās not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and iām understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus iām not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to peopleās emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict iām blunt but iām caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so iām not saying i donāt want to still be her friend#iām just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them iām very much not and like. now that iām on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! iām not gonna chase her down like theyāre grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space iām going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. iām happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they werenāt ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when weāll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? iām feeling like iām failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man iām just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not iām worth#which again. kinda wasnāt expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i donāt want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isnāt any!!!#and i canāt deal with that! i canāt spend my life with people who arenāt going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. iām gonna stop now lol
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one of the things that has me nonstop thinking about topmew is that they're actually a very unique type of couple in fiction but not in real life. in most fiction, people are always falling in love by accident. they meet, circumstances put them together, they're caught by surprise when they fall in love. but though both top and mew had never been in love before and didn't totally know what to expect, it wasn't a complete shock. they met through a mutual friend, they found each other attractive and interesting, so they decided to date. they fell in love because they went on dates and did romantic things together on purpose. i think neither of them expected to fall so hard, but still, the point of dating is to see if you're compatible and fall in love and maybe build a life together. and that's what they did.
i don't think that makes them boring, i think that makes them relatable! i think that makes them stand out from other fictional couples! you know, people claimed they wanted more realistic BLs, but for some reason when topmew came along, a ship based on a real life gay couple, they didn't like them?
#topmew#i'm remembering those posts that were like 'top didn't mean to fall in love' and like. are you sure?#it's not like he thought he was incapable of love#i don't think top goes into relationships expecting to be bored#i think he just had a hard time finding someone who challenges him the way mew does#it sounds like guys weren't interested in who he really was but were more interested in his body or his money#i think it's ridiculous that mew and viewers are expected to think that top is unable to have a long term relationship just because#he hasn't had one at the age of TWENTY-ONE#how many long term relationships have you had mew? oh zero?#have YOU ever been with someone longer than three months? no? then why is top in the wrong?#you've never even had a boyfriend!!! at least top has had boyfriends!#how do you know that YOU have what it takes to be with someone for longer than three months?#also why does everyone insinuate that it was his fault and he broke it off every time#boeing says that top dumped him but based on boeing's whole personality i'd say he had a better reason than he 'got bored'#ofs liveblog#side-note: i love how boeing is framed as someone who was a big loss to sand and wronged by top when we see none of his good qualities#like am i supposed to take it at face value that he was a good boyfriend when he left someone because the other guy was rich and powerful#and then is creepy and mean to his ex who calls him when he's in distress and has only one friend#am i supposed to think that sand is justified in being pissed off that top 'stole him' when boeing is human garbage#i've said it before and i'll say it again: TOP DID YOU A FAVOR#so much about those relationships are so half-assed i'm sitting here like ok but what actually happened#can i get a rewrite here with some details
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Uh oh. Essay in readmore time
What's so frustrating is that for almost all of my life I didn't know I had adhd, and only found it out 5ish years ago
During ALL of my studies i was intensely freaked out and even when i got a grip on some of my mental health shit at uni, importantly I was still unaware of the adhd. And only had some professional tell me about their suspicion about it AFTER I could have received any support in my schooling.
And I have been working damn hard over the last half a decade to learn about myself and the way I work, and be kind to myself and open minded, and learnt from many many different people with adhd how they function - especially through advice on here bc much of Google is shit, and learnt what does and doesn't work for my personally.
I slowly unravelled and found myself. To a point where I'm actually functional and content in myself.
So now i find myself in the most intense, stressful period of my life since then. Grieving and finally understanding what people meant when they spoke about grieving a very close loved one. How nothing feels real even.
And I've found myself so extremely wired from having to do a very vast array of tasks all crammed into a short space of time with a close deadline - exactly the same conditions as during my studies.......... where nothing ever helped.
Yet. In the last thirty minutes I've unwound because I instinctively KNEW what to do. I found myself following all the things i taught myself about my adhd, and now I'm like 70% more chill???? Huh?????? Noticed suddenly that I've been using my ADHD self knowledge for the past few weeks and coped remarkably well because of it.
It's shocking because imagine what i could have done if I had ANY help with my adhd EVER in my life from the adults who were supposed to notice in my entire childhood. Like HUHHHHHH, I am shocked. Imagine how I'm here as an adult using 5 years of learning adhd related advice and stuff I learnt through self awareness .... and feeling better.
SHOCKING!!!!
PS - long ass tags that immediately ramble away from my initial post and go into something positive and that made me feel fluffy inside. You've been warned
#It's so fucking aggravating#i was a self contained child and didn't display the Expected ADHD traits or what fucking ever and so i got left to rot by the system#fantastic#sighhhhh but on the bright side - i am damn PROUD of myself tonight. I've come so far#It's very hard being neurodivergent and I'm doing amazing by own like standards#btw secret lore - first time i ever said aloud that i was proud of myself was in therapy like 6 years ago#and it was indescribably hard to get to that stuttered halting sentence 'i am proud of myself'. so hard and my therapist was so clearly#over the moon for me. i still treasure that memory and the path i have taken to being kind to myself and that's why every time i say#i am proud of myself#it holds the memory of every time I've ever said it or thought it and believed it#every time i see someone do something good i make sure to say well done because I'm proud of them too :-)#i do it apparently with such conviction and sincerety that people stop and stumble sometimes aha#i think it's beautiful to help people notice when they do well. like 'oh skipped work every day until today' - well done u made it today!!#'i cooked a meal and got it the way my mother makes it after many failed attempts' - well done you must have worked so hard#'i made a important phone call' (from friend who has told me before how much they struggle w calls) - BIG WELL DONE that must have been har#It's easy to notice and pay attention to people and congratulate them for these things that may not sound Big bc 'everyone else can do it'#as they say. or they are too busy to notice they did something that took effort on their part. It's so wonderful to make a difference#and hope they can be proud of themselves too in that moment#man this took a positive turn.... this is something I've not really said before. but it is truly so joyful to congratulate people to me
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I feel like a thief
#tomorrow is my second day at a local con#even though i did way better than expected today i felt so ill. felt like i made my friends angry so many times#i couldnt even help well because of how sick i felt and kept making messes#and like. i know this is mostly because i had to forcefully lower my daily antidepressant dose cuz im running out of pills so im trying#to ride it out without making a scene#but i want to die so much. i dont want to go back so my friends will have more space and wont have a disastrous person making everything#more stressful#i feel like such a piece of absolute shit for selling things today. i should have sold it all at a lower price. i should have gifted it#i feel like i should give back the money to as many people as i can#im such a fucking thief i cant live with myself. and i keep stealing from everyone by continuing to go sell at cons#im unable to get picked for anything because im sure everyone must notice what a sham i am. i want to jump into a train or from a tall place#if im in pieces i cant have all the horrible thoughts telling me what a shameful conman i am#the way i keep trying with all this is so selfish. im taking spots that could be better used in other people#im wasting everyones time and money#i jsut want to starve and suffer because i dont deserve such basic needs but if i do my body immediately gets sick#from how weak it is. i will just be an ever bigger burden if i do that. i just want to suffer and atone for my horrible existance#haunted.txt
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