#i did not expect to like it this much i am having so many thoughts
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Love Planted a Rose 🌹
~ Dark ~
• Artwork by The Drawables •
Full Art Cover and Story Description, Here.
OCXCanon. 🔪 Azusa & Christine’s Story. 🌹
Fan Fiction Written by Me.
Fandom: Diabolik Lovers.
Masterpost.
Christine was sitting in the bathtub with her arms wrapped around her legs. She was lost in her thoughts thinking of what happened last night with Azusa. All the things he told her. To him, pain makes him feel wanted and needed. What has this world done to him? To make him think this way. It's sad. Her mind is telling her to stay away from him, but she can't understand why her heart is aching for him. She wants to get to know him, to understand him. Even though she's very aware that's gonna cost her lots of pain. She wants to know his past, and she also wants to know how long has he been living in this world. So many questions she would love to ask him. But she knows he won't answer to any. She already tried, but he made it clear that his past doesn’t concern her. Yet he wants to know everything about her.
She touches her lips, Thinking about the way he kissed her with so much desperation.
Christine: (I haven’t kissed another man since Mark. I didn't think I would ever need that kiss, but I did, desperately like Azusa. His lips, his tongue, and his rough touches. They all felt good, even though my head was spinning and I struggled to catch up to him since I was very lightheaded. The way he got anxious when he thought I had a boyfriend back home. I'm starting to feel these butterflies in my stomach again. Why am I feeling this way? I can't let him get into my heart, I just can't. A human broke my heart to pieces, I can't imagine how much worse it will be with a vampire. It's already madness right now. Azusa is very scary at times, he almost killed me. All the physical pain Azusa has caused me and I haven’t been here long. I can’t imagine how it would be for the rest of the summer. My lips are swollen from that kiss, not just my lips, but my whole body hurts and I have so many bite marks and cuts from his knife...)
*Knock, Knock*
Azusa: “Rose-san… I'm coming in…”
Christine: “Azusa! I'm still in the bathtub, please get out.”
Azusa: “There’s so many bubbles in the bathtub… I can't see your body… So don't worry…”
Christine: “… Do you need something?”
Azusa: “Ruki told me... to give you… this medicine… he said… it will help you… feel better… here… I also brought you… water…”
- She drinks the medication -
Christine: “Thank you.”
Azusa: … …
Christine: “What's the matter?”
Azusa: “I can't stop… thinking about you… even when… I’m with my brothers… or when I'm alone… or cutting myself... or polishing my knives… and when I’m talking to Justin… your pretty face… always comes to my mind…”
Christine: !!!
(I can feel my cheeks flushed...)
“I-I have been thinking about you a lot too. I want to get to know you, Azusa.”
Azusa: “Eh…!? Really, Rose…?”
He moves closer to her and sits at the edge of the bathtub, neither say anything. Azusa caresses her cheek and stares deeply at her brown eyes.
Ruki: “Hmph, Azusa. I told you to only give her the medication and to come back quickly. Stop touching her and take your leave. You're already running late on the task that I asked you to do earlier.”
Azusa: “I’m sorry… I’ll go right now… I'll see you later… Rose…”
He gave her a cute smile and leaves the bathroom.
Ruki: “Livestock, hurry up with your bath and meet me at the library. I would like to discuss something with you.”
Christine: “Okay, I'll be out in a minute.”
*TimeSkip*
- At the Library -
Christine: “I'm here, Ruki.”
Ruki: “Good, you didn’t make me wait long. Take a seat.”
… …
“Livestock, you are going to be living in this manor all summer and I expect honesty. Tell me what you really are? And you better not lie to me.”
Christine: (His question took me by surprise…)
“What do you mean?”
He slams his fist on the table.
Ruki: “Dammit, Livestock. Don't play dumb with me! I had my familiar follow you. He said when you were at our swimming pool there was a blonde woman with a white dress inside the pool near you but disappeared quickly. Were you doing black magic? Are you a witch?”
Christine: !!
(So I'm not crazy and I didn't imagine it! I did see a reflection of myself under the pool…)
“I’m not lying and I'm not a witch! But I did see myself inside the pool last night and it scared me. When I started to scream underwater, Azusa got me out of the pool. I asked him if he saw anyone inside the pool but he said no. This has never happened to me before.”
Ruki: “I see. Thinking about it a Witch wouldn't have a similar blood scent to Eve. Did the figure say anything to you?”
Christine: “Yes… She said, “Soon, you will be me.”
“I-I don't understand the meaning of this. She did look exactly like me but when she gave me a sinister look it seemed inhuman.”
(Chills run down her spine just thinking about it…)
Ruki: “Whatever that thing was is probably your true form. Are you sure you don't know what that form is? Does your family have a history of mystical creatures?”
Christine: “What!? Of course not. We are all just humans and I don't possess any strength or magical powers. Ruki, please if you know anything about why I was sent here please tell me.”
Ruki: “That's information I want to know as well. None of us know why you were truly sent here, not even the Sakamakis. Your blood sent is similar to Eve's but I don't think this is about another sacrificial bride. You are valuable to that man. He has made it clear in reminder letters that he will kill anyone if they kill you, and this pool incident it's not a coincidence. I will still try my investigation to see what he really wants with you. If you experience another similar situation like this again I need you to tell me immediately, I am clear, Livestock?”
Christine: “What's the point in telling you if you are gonna have your familiars follow me anyways?”
Ruki: “Dammit, Livestock! You sure don't know how to shut your mouth and agree nicely like a good girl.”
Christine: “Because I am not a girl, I’m a woman!”
Ruki stands up and grabs her wrists pulling her up.
Ruki: “A woman you say? So you don't mind me being this close to you.”
He smirks.
Christine: “What the hell are you doing? Let go of me.”
Ruki: “Living in this manor, I don't care if it's temporary. You still are gonna follow my rules and I expect you to agree nicely with respect. I shall have no mercy next time you run your mouth. Understood?”
Christine: “Yes.”
(I'm trying to control my anger right now. I truly want to tell him to Fuck off!…)
Ruki: “Good, There is something else I want to ask you.”
He removes his hands from her wrists and steps back a bit.
“Are you seducing my younger brother?”
Christine: “Of course not! He's only after my blood and nothing else.”
Ruki: “Not true. You have him hypnotized. He’s never acted this way for a Livestock before. Have you hit and harmed him?”
Christine: “Not because I want to. Most of the time, he forces me to hurt him, and on some occasions I have, but it was for self-defense.”
Ruki: “Ha… I see. What are your thoughts on him?”
Christine: “I have mixed feelings for him… Sometimes, I'm afraid of him, wondering what he will do next. But other times, I kinda like his company. He does hurt me a lot but on some occasions, he's very sweet to me. I don't understand his full logic when it comes to pain. But to be honest, I want to get to know him and maybe become friends with him.”
Ruki: “Friends? Livestock, you really are foolish. Azusa won't settle for only friendship.”
Christine: “What do you mean?…”
Ruki: “Why don't you use that brain of yours? You truly are an airhead.”
Christine: … …
Ruki: I do find it interesting how obsessed Azusa is with you. Your blood probably is tasty to him but... There’s something more, I can feel it in your Aura. Azusa has been through a lot over the years and I worry to see my brother break because of you.”
Christine: ... ...
“Ruki... can you please tell me about Azusa’s past? I truly don’t want to hurt him. I want to get to know him and to help him. But for me to be able to help him I need to understand him. Please Ruki! Can you please tell me what caused him to self-harm?”
Ruki: “Why don’t you ask him this question yourself?”
Christine: “I did, but he told me it doesn't concern me. I just want to understand why he acts like this.”
Ruki: “Haah... Fine. I will tell you just this once. Azusa has never opened up too much about himself to us either. Even I have never fully understood how his brain works. From what I know, it has something to do with those kids from his childhood. Their names are Justin, Christina, and Melissa.”
Christine: (The names of his scars!…)
“He introduced his scars to me and they had those names.”
He nods.
Ruki: “He believes those three are his friends and will not let anyone treat his wounds so they do not disappear. From what he told us, those kids used to beat him up for fun daily until he started enjoying it and thought he was being useful to them. They then left him alone, thinking he was some kind of a weird kid. Those kids, later on, got killed because they were caught shoplifting. Seeing them dead traumatized him.”
Christine: “B-But Where were your parents? And he’s your younger brother, why did you guys allow this to happen? Why you guys didn’t help him? While he was getting bullied.”
Ruki: “Azusa since childhood he was wandering around in the streets. His parents abandoned him. We are not blood brothers. After the death of Justin, Christina, and Melissa. Azusa was sent to the orphanage and that’s where we all met. Kou and Yuma too. Ever since then, we became brothers.”
... ...
“That will be all the information that I will tell you. You are even lucky that I even told you this much.”
Christine: (My heart hurts for Azusa and for the brothers. Even though Ruki didn't mention the full story, by them meeting each other at the orphanage they all probably had a bad childhood...)
“I appreciate you telling me this. I won't bother you anymore. I'll be taking my leave now and will start my shift.”
Ruki: “Wait, Livestock. I am not done talking to you. Tomorrow, Kou will be the one to accompany you to the Sakamakis. I have other matters to take care of. Don’t be dumb and behave around the brothers and try not to get yourself killed this time.”
Christine: “Okay… I will watch my back.”
Ruki: “That will be all, you may take your leave and start your shift.”
*TimeSkip*
After Christine completed her work shift she took another bath and finished brushing her long blonde hair, lastly, she sprayed herself with her favorite perfume, Coco Mademoiselle by Chanel. She loves the perfume so much that she wears it all the time even before bedtime. She couldn’t stop thinking about Azusa. She feels so sad for him and her chest keeps hurting every time she thinks about what Ruki told her. Azusa truly must have felt so lonely to the point he wanted to be useful to his bullies who were beating him up all the time. Now she understands why he asks her to give him pain. Christine felt tears running down her cheeks. The fact that he also was abandoned in the streets by his parents. How cruel and sad! He must have been scared, cold, and hungry. More tears keep coming out of Christine’s eyes. She grabbed a tissue to clean her face and tried to calm down. She needed to occupy her mind so she decided to read her favorite novel Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin. Christine has lost count of the number of times she has read this story. She needed to distract herself and take Azusa off her mind. She went to grab the book and flinched when she heard a knock on her door.
Christine: “Who is it?”
… …
(Whoever it is they are not responding…)
She moved closer and hesitated to open the door.
“Is someone there?”
(She can hear someone chatter through the door…)
- She opens the door -
Christine: “Azusa! Did something happen?”
(He's shaking and sweating. He looks really sad…)
She cupped his cheeks.
Azusa: “Rose-san… can I sleep in your bed… I don't want to be alone… right now…”
She nods.
Christine: “Come in… Can I get you water? I can go grab it really quick in the kitchen.”
Azusa: “No… just lay down next to me… please... don’t leave me... alone...”
Christine: (He looks so anxious! I’m so worried about him right now…)
She takes his hand and leads him to her bed.
“Lay down, Azusa… I promise I'll stay by your side.”
- They both lay down on the bed, staring at each other -
Christine: “What happened…?”
Azusa: … …
“I had a nightmare… and when I woke up… I needed to see you…”
Christine: “What was the nightmare about?”
Azusa: … …
“I already forgot…”
Christine: “What!? How is that possible?”
Azusa: “I already said… I have forgotten about it… so you don't need to worry…”
Christine: … …
(He has tears in his eyes, she knows he's lying…)
“Azusa… I won’t force you to tell me. But… I want to let you know… that I'll listen to you if you ever want to talk about anything that's on your mind. I'll be here for you. You're not alone…”
- She cups his cheek -
• Artwork by @yuma-mukami-garden-god •
Azusa: !!
“Rose…”
(Her beautiful smile and gentle touch warms my heart. Her hand is so soft, like rose petals from the garden....)
“I’m feeling calmer now… that I'm here with you…”
- He places his hand on top of hers and smells her wrist -
“Your flowery scent… is also calming to me… I’m glad… you came into my life… Rose…”
Christine: “Really?”
He nods.
Azusa: “Can I … suck your blood…? I’m thirsty… from all the sweating…”
Christine: (If my blood will calm him and make him feel better than he can have it…)
“Yes, Azusa… Go ahead.”
She closes her eyes, waiting for the strike of pain.
Azusa: “Look at me…”
He sinks his fangs into her wrist.
*Slurp*
Christine: “Azu…”
Azusa: “Ah… so sweet… and… I love that look… on your face… I'll bite you more…”
*Gulp*
Christine: “Azu… doesn't my perfume bother you? I feel like the taste of a perfume won't be pleasing.”
- He licks the bite mark -
Azusa: “It tastes delicious… your floral scent… mixed with the scent of your blood… is heavenly addicting…”
He planted a kiss on her wrist.
Azusa: “I like that you are calling me… “Azu…” hehe… Keep calling me that, okay…? Now let me hold you tight…”
- He embraced her -
“The warmth of your body… feels nice… it takes all my worries away….”
Christine: (I can feel both our hearts pounding with his tight embrace…)
“I’m glad you feel that way Azu. I hope you have a sweet dream this time.”
Azusa: … Zzz… Zzz…
Christine: (He fell asleep immediately. Azusa’s temperature is so cold but I don't dislike it. His scent is nice too. His scent is a mix of fruity black tea with hints of florals. I should move and give us space but the truth is… I want to be locked in his arms, it feels nice. His expression looks peaceful now. I truly hope he has a better dream this time…)
She runs her fingers through his dark greenish hair.
(If Helping him by doing these things for him, I hope he can trust me one day and open up to me…)
Christine: “I hope… you let me cure your scars, Azusa.”
She buries her face on his chest and closes her eyes.
- TO BE CONTINUED -
• Artwork by MonMonArtz •
#diabolik lovers#azusa mukami#azusa & rose#diabolik lovers oc#diabolik lovers fanfic#diabolik lovers fan fiction#diabolik lovers fandom#diaboys#mukami brothers#his rose#diabolik lovers azusa#fan fiction
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screw whatever else i've said; the most important thing you can do in this lifetime is watch tv
#i started king the land the other day and OH MY GOODNESS#i did not expect to like it this much i am having so many thoughts#i am only in the middle of episode six#last night i went to bed in between episodes 3 and 4 and i was like. i am so ready to go right to beddy bye shut my tired little eyes#and i slept for 7 straight hours. that was like 10:30 PM to 5:30 AM exactly#i NEVER sleep like that#it was like i had been possessed by the god of longed-for and timely slumber#do you know how hard it is for me to go to bed or wake up that early?#depsite the fact i do it on a regular basis for work it is NOT natural to me#going to bed stresses me out and it takes a lot more work than it ends up being worth aldsfkaf#which is to say i practice good habits but bc of my anxiety it ends up not being very restful#i constantly wake up during the night etc.#tales from diana#a good tv show will put me to bed like magic. that's what im betting on. do your thing tv show!#by the end of episode 6 i better feel like a sleep fairy has cast me under her spell like i did last night#wouldnt that be great!#anyway i wish you all a good night's sleep. goodnight zzzzz
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a déa drawn by me and several déas drawn by gwynplaine on the back of a ballad-sheet déa insisted they buy from a pedlar so she could hear the story :D [id in alt text]
#dea#l’homme qui rit#the man who laughs#artwork#all of these are referenced from photographs of mary philbin by the way :D my dea doesnt look exactly like her so i changed her face a bit#but the basic structure is mary :D yippee#i have been drawing So Many Deas Recently. i love her so much i cant stop thinking about her#also i resisted the urge to find pictures of specific ballad-sheets which would have been sold at the time and just went with the highest-#resolution image i could find given that you cant even see the writing. yes i did agonise over this decision. yes i am still agonising#anyway. more deas incoming i expect :D and gwyns too#i have been on holiday in the south this past week (we just got back this morning) so i havent been drawing as much but i have msny Thought#and possibly some Ideas. i also spelled many wrong#i hope you are all well my friends :D i love you
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#i will warn you only once: tsc spoilers#literally just finished it as i am drafting this its 5am where i live#so you may be subjected to some nonsense#that all being said i have thoughts.and feelings#the kevin was lovely and tasted delicious! jean defending him at every turn even when he swears to hell and back he'll kick his ass#the kevjean was surprising i was only half expecting that#the dog metaphors i have to say i need this one cashed in. nora run me my check#im joking of course dont quote me on it#jean taking kevins promise to the end and living on it is seriously so. well.#'be careful with him' 'take kevin's name out of your ignorant mouth' 'you promised me'#also kevin getting called the court's queen had me tender and on my back oml#jean's relationship with the trojans is sweet and he is very interesting and complicated#a character with many moving parts im sure#there were a few things i did not care for#namely jeremy and the trojans felt remarkably flat to me bar lucas (by far the most interesting) and catalina on occasion#i didnt quite enjoy jeremy's pov and felt like he spent perhaps way too much time worrying over jean? if that makes sense#i wish he had some more complexity to him or really anything to catch a hook on#all we know is hes attractive and smiley and gets along terribly with his family#so much of his character is sucked out by jean he didnt feel like much more than a plot device to me#which i wouldnt mind if jeremy wasnt the literal main character alongside jean#i was living for everything jean thought but had to drag myself through jeremy's pov if im honest#uuuuh what else. neil! funny. deranged. i have to love him#andrew couldnt give less of a fuck about jean which is funny as all fuck#two bugs placed in the same habitat ignoring each other#the thing with elodie i thought was complicated. i wish we knew some more about her or that shed been mentioned a little earlier#but im assuming thats a topic to be revisited#uuuuuuuh yeah so thats most of it. i think my first thought and the one that sticked out the most to me is that the book felt remarkably#pedestrian#not necessarily in a bad way#it lacked to me one of the main appeals of aftg which were the numerous interesting side characters
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^the sillies. 💛
#lem liveblogs#videos#xivposting#dt spoilers#OF COURSE THE QUEST CALLED ‘SIBLING RESCUE’ WOULD BE MY FAVORITE SO FAR. WAUGH#THE FUCKIGNG. SYNCHRONIZED DISTRACTION/ATTACK RUCRED MOMENT??? I DIDNT EVEN WRITE THAT THEY DID THAT FOR ME!!!!!HELLO!!!!! ZNFKWNDZ!!!!!!!!#rudy is making so many new friends already this expac :’). he’d get along with wuk l.amat instantly-#& would want to be close with eren.ville & now these recent events would’ve warmed him up entirely to k.oana. waaahhhh!!#i like how k.oana is introduced as the smartest claimant but is also shown to have a lot to learn from wuk l.amat.#they’re cute!! they inspire each other to grow!!!!! weh!!!! <33#i’m SURE the story will be flipped entirely on its head at some point because xiv loves doing that;#but if the dawnservant trials DO conclude without a great tragedy happening i hope wuk l.amat & k.oana help rule together.#they have such different areas of knowledge they could work togetherr….!! if everyone’s fine and there aren’t any Final Days moments .#i’m not sure what i expected from dt but i am enjoying it more than i thought… the environments are soo pretty!! :’)#xiv has gotten SO much better at portraying different cultures since arr. i hope i’m not speaking too soon but the people we’ve met-#have been treated with so much respect so far! and learning about everyone’s beliefs and ways of life is so fun!!!!#the same people in eorzea are treated so badly and isolated from everyone else its like night and day compared to tural my goodness .
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one of the things that has me nonstop thinking about topmew is that they're actually a very unique type of couple in fiction but not in real life. in most fiction, people are always falling in love by accident. they meet, circumstances put them together, they're caught by surprise when they fall in love. but though both top and mew had never been in love before and didn't totally know what to expect, it wasn't a complete shock. they met through a mutual friend, they found each other attractive and interesting, so they decided to date. they fell in love because they went on dates and did romantic things together on purpose. i think neither of them expected to fall so hard, but still, the point of dating is to see if you're compatible and fall in love and maybe build a life together. and that's what they did.
i don't think that makes them boring, i think that makes them relatable! i think that makes them stand out from other fictional couples! you know, people claimed they wanted more realistic BLs, but for some reason when topmew came along, a ship based on a real life gay couple, they didn't like them?
#topmew#i'm remembering those posts that were like 'top didn't mean to fall in love' and like. are you sure?#it's not like he thought he was incapable of love#i don't think top goes into relationships expecting to be bored#i think he just had a hard time finding someone who challenges him the way mew does#it sounds like guys weren't interested in who he really was but were more interested in his body or his money#i think it's ridiculous that mew and viewers are expected to think that top is unable to have a long term relationship just because#he hasn't had one at the age of TWENTY-ONE#how many long term relationships have you had mew? oh zero?#have YOU ever been with someone longer than three months? no? then why is top in the wrong?#you've never even had a boyfriend!!! at least top has had boyfriends!#how do you know that YOU have what it takes to be with someone for longer than three months?#also why does everyone insinuate that it was his fault and he broke it off every time#boeing says that top dumped him but based on boeing's whole personality i'd say he had a better reason than he 'got bored'#ofs liveblog#side-note: i love how boeing is framed as someone who was a big loss to sand and wronged by top when we see none of his good qualities#like am i supposed to take it at face value that he was a good boyfriend when he left someone because the other guy was rich and powerful#and then is creepy and mean to his ex who calls him when he's in distress and has only one friend#am i supposed to think that sand is justified in being pissed off that top 'stole him' when boeing is human garbage#i've said it before and i'll say it again: TOP DID YOU A FAVOR#so much about those relationships are so half-assed i'm sitting here like ok but what actually happened#can i get a rewrite here with some details
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I feel like a thief
#tomorrow is my second day at a local con#even though i did way better than expected today i felt so ill. felt like i made my friends angry so many times#i couldnt even help well because of how sick i felt and kept making messes#and like. i know this is mostly because i had to forcefully lower my daily antidepressant dose cuz im running out of pills so im trying#to ride it out without making a scene#but i want to die so much. i dont want to go back so my friends will have more space and wont have a disastrous person making everything#more stressful#i feel like such a piece of absolute shit for selling things today. i should have sold it all at a lower price. i should have gifted it#i feel like i should give back the money to as many people as i can#im such a fucking thief i cant live with myself. and i keep stealing from everyone by continuing to go sell at cons#im unable to get picked for anything because im sure everyone must notice what a sham i am. i want to jump into a train or from a tall place#if im in pieces i cant have all the horrible thoughts telling me what a shameful conman i am#the way i keep trying with all this is so selfish. im taking spots that could be better used in other people#im wasting everyones time and money#i jsut want to starve and suffer because i dont deserve such basic needs but if i do my body immediately gets sick#from how weak it is. i will just be an ever bigger burden if i do that. i just want to suffer and atone for my horrible existance#haunted.txt
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May I share a small idea?
You could use the poll as some sort of list for some future WIP Wednesdays. The most popular choice is first and then the next in line comes on the next Wednesday when you got the time and so on.
It could save you plenty of time to prepare something and may lessen the pressure a little!
Obviously it’s up to you but I’m leaving the suggestion here for you to think about.
Hope you’re having a good time and remember to stay hydrated and take care of yourself~!
Oh this is a fantastic idea!! I think I will do this!! (Though I am hoping at least three of the options on there will be going up within the next several weeks, all of them are so so close to completion!!)
I will do this though!! Thank you very much for the suggestion friend, it’s a great idea!!
#i think I realize now why it’s taking so long to get all my fics out and why WIPs keep getting backed up#I have been going back and rewriting the initial chapters of HFBE#my earlier work is not my current writing style#and I know that is obvious#but I will flat out say it’s different because my earlier work was lazier#I remember telling myself all the time not to stress about my writing so much because with Uni I did not have the time to do that#so I’d post work even if I wasn’t happy with how it was#otherwise I’d never get any work out#but now I look at my current writing#and I feel like at least it’s more coherent#and more thought and work is put into it#and I am more proud of my current writing than my earlier writing by a longshot#but that’s coming at the price of almost paralyzing scrutiny#as it’s holding me up from posting#I’ve leaned a little too far into it#and I’ve begun to find a balance where I can move on while still criticizing my own writing and adjusting it a little better#work has been moving more consistently again on them#so I’m expecting that when I do finish my WIPs for posting#it’s going to be a lot at once#(does not help that so many of these fics are all tied to each other and I want to post all the connecting fics in between larger chapters#of my multi-chapter fics#haha)
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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hm. my dad is now aware that i have slept over at eriks when i visit him.
#dont love that.#he brought it up bc i have an aunt and uncle in his city and i think he was going to offer to like see if i could stay with them at some#point to visit him#he was like have you thought of visiting erik in (city)? and i was like. yeah#and he was like. have you? and i was like. yeah. and he was like how many times? and i said twice and he was like oh. where did you stay?#and i said. eriks place. and he was like. oh. well you know you have an aunt and uncle there that would let you stay right? and i was like.#yeah i know. and it was in front of my mom and sister and brother in law and HIS sister and everyone was so quiet because they know how my#dad is#and i was like in the process of leaving so i just like said bye to everybody real quick and left so im still like. agh. scawed!#idk why even its not like theres anything he can do to me its just like. god i really want to have peace with him i do not want to ever hav#another lecture from him or get yelled at by him again idk im still scared of that. and he hasnt even met erik yet and probably has a#terrible impression of him now just based off of that even though i am always telling them great stuff about him i dont want HIM to deal#with that especially because i do not think that he would take as much bullshit which he shouldnt have to but god i just have this vision o#my dad like. pulling erik aside for a talk or something if they ever meet and trying to scare him and them getting into an argument bc erik#would stand up for himself#idk who knows if that will happen im literally making up scenarios in my head to scare myself but christ. \#the thing is also at this point in my life i just like. i have to keep moving forward in like. the whole living my life without constantly#thinking about the church's and my dad and the rest of my family's expectations. I have to. I almost lied to him but i didnt and thats#really big progress but im still so scared. but whatever. do it scared. agh!
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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ok had another ‘deep’ convo or whatever with this girl (until 4 in the morning amazing since i had to be up early today) and she really is a lovely person. and i still like her so much. but i feel like i had this sinking feeling of oh jesus christ i don’t know if i can ever say something to you about this
#i mean. we talked about a Lot clearly and i feel like. idk if she is really truly just straight and im an idiot#or if she’s maybe. bi and not willing or needing to like worry about it. yk#and i’m genuinely so happy after everything we’ve talked about that she’s in like a good place and i really#do adore just. this strange dynamic we’ve built. but how much did i overestimate how much it meant to her?#ok well hang on. how much did i possibly mistake tension for… well idk. her just being someone that likes attention and us both enjoying#just talking about whatever. lol#because she is very kind and even if i am mistaking the feelings she’s still very thoughtful toward me and i appreciate that#like she’s a good friend. that unfortunately i’ve had the thought of. oh no if we keep talking am i gonna fall in like one sided love here#hopefully i can keep that under control if i can keep the expectations managed lol#i don’t know what to think whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!#film girl saga#like it feels like we’re building this foundation of trust and comfort and we’ve talked explicitly about sexuality and perception and#idk a bunch of shit. idek how many times now. and i just don’t. sigh#i don’t think she would stop being friends with me but it’s the classic well great now i don’t want it to be weird#and maybe we have a strange enough dynamic that it could easily pass lol idk.#she unfortunately knows how overthinky i am now and i know a little more abt how her thought process works#and it’s like we’re circling these conversations and i’m petrified to know if she ever. has Perceived the feelings. and either#gotten caught up in that and confused or still just enjoyed the conversation enough to look past it. or whatever another altnerative could b
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Question: bnha or jjk?
controversial answer.....bnha
#honestly i have too many gripes with both series#but if i were to judge based on everything (SO FAR) bnha rlly surprised me#i wasn't expecting to enjoy the paranormal liberation war arc as much as i did...#what can i say i will always be a sucker for narratives that involve empathy and forgiveness#yeah i can't and won't concretely judge anything until both bnha and jjk r over...like rmb when i thought jjk was actually going to be good#but also rmb I'm not caught up on jjk like I am on bnha now#ask
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as much as i wish i loved dragon age as much as everyone else, so much of what it offers are things that i am just insanely indifferent towards
#i like a Few Things from dragon age but it’s like rly limited#i like da2 but i don’t care enough to put so much thought into it??#i am also. a college student w rigorous coursework and observations and a practicum to complete#so idk i just don’t have the energy or the time to really put my best foot forward on it#same goes for many other things#like idk i don’t need to know all the lore yknow#nor do i care to really immerse myself so heavily into it#i know enough to make a silly character that may or may not break lore rules bc it’s mind numbingly annoying#to try to be such a stickler for it all#like i just! don’t! care!#like i’ve gotten comments abt my interests like ‘did you even watch/play it’ like yeah i did#for … fun.#for fun. i had fun. i have a million other obligations to complete so excuse me if i don’t know this minuscule detail from lore book 829294#about the catholic equivalent church in dragon age#this came off very vent-y which it is but i’m not harping on ppl who do care#i just am not fond of the expectation that everyone on this site has to be a lore expert to post abt it yknow#to some extent
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one day i’m gonna make a post about how sexy oklahoma jud is autistic and gay bc i’m so insane about this character but i’m not doing it rn
#jud fry#oklahoma 2019#sexy oklahoma#oklahoma!#oklahoma#it will include me talking about him in the nicest way bc this is my most recent blorbo and i love nom dearly#jud has little become my poor little meow meow and i mean that in the worst way#i love him so much and it’s weird bc everyone is like he’s and incel and creepy#but i fully did not think he was creepy#he’s a weird guy and definitely did some creepy shit#but also my man’s is completely isolated from the rest of the community#how do u expect him to be able to communicate with these people who have made not attempt to include him#ok rant over i’ll say it better some other time#i have many thoughts tho as u can tell#yes i am projecting my isolation due to being autistic but leave me alone#amnesty original
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About to be a little mushy on main 👀
#personal#just thinking about how lucky I am to have met someone who is not only so sweet and wonderful and thoughtful#but also has so many things in common with me#including adhd and we seem to be on the same wavelength lmaooo#not to be cheesy buuuut#i feel like I can be my genuine self around them bc we already have so much in common#or maybe it’s bc they’re just that easy to be around#maybe it’s both lol#but I’m a huge fan#and did not ever expect to catch feelings for someone rn#let alone so quickly
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