#i did make this as a profile pic for myself but honestly anyone can use it :)

[horroroverload]

[havinganormalone]

Annotated example of a failed fuck boy: red flags and how to spot bullshit

So I had a LOVELY encounter last night on tinder, and while the encounter itself was nothing uncommon, it was a perfect example of how certain men will try to lie and manipulate you to put you in an unsafe position. I wanted to breakdown the different red flags this guy gave off, as an instructional guide for anyone who might be new to the app dating scene, especially if you are kinky. Below the cut, I'll post the encounter, as well as annotations going blow by blow on the different red flags he gave off, and the vetting I did to get the information I need to determine he was unsafe, and some tips on how you can do the same.

Relevant context about myself: I am a genderqueer bisexual, so I choose people based on personality and compatibility, not gender. This means sometimes I still encounter cis het men on dating apps. That doesn't bother me, some are nice. But a lot will lie to you and say anything to get into your pants, including ignoring your gender. I am a trans masc butch, and say as much in my profiles, as well as that I am on T. Incels and pick up artists see me as a vagina and tits. This is not gay to them- I am confused and their dick can fix me. I'll let you know the tip offs that showed this guy falls into this camp.

I also am on the asexual spectrum, and am more interested in kink than sex. Again, this is plain as day on my profile. Many of these men will PRETEND to be kinky and have experience in order to con me into vanilla sex. They think being kinky means being easy or having low standards, will give lip service to being kinky, and then not know how to negotiate or do kink safely. When they show up, at best you're going to have them waffle and be like "I don't feel like having kinky sex tonight, can we do vanilla?" The goal is to get in the door with false promises and then hope to wear you down into having unsatisfying sex you don't want (and they will probably try to renege on any agreement to use protection while you are at it). At worst, this man is going to show up and do dangerous edgeplay on you with no experience and no proper negotiation- like starting to choke you during sex, which can kill you. I am experienced enough to have safety precautions and be able to hold my ground and send someone packing if they show up and do not honor agreements, but not everyone is, and spotting red flags before it gets to that point is the goal.

Okay, without further ado, let's get into it.

(Since he doesn't clearly show his face in his pfp, I'm not gonna bother to censor. It's not enough to identify him.) Yellow markings as things that aren't red flags and in certain contexts might be okay, but should make you cautious. Red is red flags. Green is my response and how I protected myself.

So right off the bat he gives me his number (which is censored). Any scammers or foul actors will want to get you off the app and talking through other means as quickly as possible. This is because if someone does scam me or hurt me, if we are still on the app, I can report it directly to the app and get that person banned. If we are off app, I will have to send in screenshots, and that extra step keeps scammers or foul actors retaining their accounts for longer. Be extra cautious the more impermanent or harder to report the method is: if you communicate only through snapchat, by the time the scam or harm is done, the evidence has deleted itself. However, I only put this as a yellow because there are several genuine reasons a person may not want to communicate via app. I personally hate typing on my phone and would rather talk through discord or another messaging service I can use on my desktop. However, be a little cautious when someone asks you to go off app. Don't give them any info that is too personal, and make sure you can save any evidence in the event it is needed. (Honestly I think this guy just wanted to send me dick pics, but it was not a great start)

He's up for ANYTHING I am? Wow! What an amazing deal! I better jump on it quickly! ANYTHING???? If I wanted to do an awesome fire play scene that incorporated live ammo, he'd be down??? The truth is, when you are actually experienced in kink, you know that you can't do everything on a moment's notice. Things take prep, the right space and equipment, as well as building trust. This fuck boy has no patience for that. He's here to put his penis inside me for 5 minutes and then leave. Being down for anything is code for him being desperate and being willing to make me promises he doesn't intend to keep.

We have so much in common! Like [INSERT HOBBY HERE]. He doesn't name anything he thinks we have in common, but leaves it vague and hopes I don't challenge him. This is a pick up artists strategy to attempt to "trick" me into thinking we are soulmates, when in reality, he isn't interested in getting to know me, and doesn't give a fuck about compatibility. Again, this is yellow because he could be sincere and just miswording it. You find out which it is by asking follow up questions, like I do later on, that reveal this to be a ploy.

He is projecting his desires onto me and assuming I want them without ever actually asking me what I want. He wants to spend the night with me, so of course I must want that. I'm just a dumb bitch, there's no way I'd have thoughts and desires of my own! Also I haven't even sent him a message yet, and already he's seeing into the future, as if it's a foregone conclusion I'll be head over heels for him. This is another pickup artist tactic- they pretend to be interested in the longterm, when in reality they want a one and done. If they're gonna be with you forever, maybe you can overlook a LITTLE one-sidedness in bed. After all, there will always be later! It's writing a blank check when your account is at zero. (Although also in reality, most of these wannabes are pathetic and desperate enough that they will come back for more as long as you let them use you and don't assert your own needs. All the more reason to assert your needs!)

skipped 5 cause I can't count lmao

Okay, so this is my first message to him. I'm already suspicious enough that I normally wouldn't even respond, but I enjoy baiting these guys for my amusement. I'm a sicko like that. Anyways, you would be perfectly justified for reading the initial flags and bailing, you never owe people a response, but if you did want to give them the benefit of the doubt, then from here I suggest you prod a couple of those red flags. Establish boundaries, like I did about not wanting to meet up immediately and caring about compatibility. Establishing boundaries early is great- it gives these fuckos plenty of time to demonstrate they can't respect boundaries before you even meet IRL! Efficient! Here, I ask a very simple question that is very revealing: What are you into? This is a chance for him to make a genuine connection, be honest and share information about himself, and then ask me questions so he can learn about me. Notice he does not do that. Someone who wants to be real with you, even if it's for a night, will jump at the chance to talk about themselves at length. We'll see how he dodges giving and specifics in the next few responses, because he doesn't want to be genuine. He wants to lie in order to deceive me into fucking him, because he suspects (and may be correct!) that his true self is repulsive and terrible enough that I won't want to sleep with him if I knew who he really was.

So he gives me a laundry lists of non-specific answers in response to me asking about himself. Absolutely NO specifics. He doesn't mention genre, or particular media, or even game systems. Important context is that I list writing, reading, anime and gaming as some of my own hobbies on my profile. Honestly, props to him for even bothering to reflect some of that information back, that took bare minimum effort! This is a yellow, because hey, maybe we DO have overlapping interests. That's not a crime. But when you see stuff like this, ask follow up questions, like I do in my next response. The fraud is trying to strike a delicate balance of throwing out a wide enough net that something piques my interest and he can use that as an opening to meet and pressure me into sex, while being vague enough that I won't be able to tell if we don't actually play the same video games or like the same books. Remember, he's not trying to see me as a person. He doesn't give a fuck about what makes me come alive. I probably like dumb girl games, anyways! I could never appreciate his precious animes in the same way, so there's no point getting excited about them with me.

Again, this is a dead giveaway that someone has no idea what the fuck they are talking about when it comes to kink. Wow, you're into EVERYTHING? Can I shit in your mouth? Would you be interested in gargling my period blood? Any thoughts about branding? All of these are perfectly acceptable kinks when done consensually, of course, but people who actually ARE kinky and have experience know themselves enough to know they have limits, or even things they like or don't like. Kinksters not only recognize that everyone has hard no's and limits, they relish in sharing and understanding them. After all, consent is so important to kink, that the idea of just jumping into a scene without discussing what each party is okay with first is ANATHEMA to how kink works. This dude either has never done anything kinky, does not care about consent, or both.

This is a yellow flag not just because IQ is bullshit garbage science, but that it is empty flattery. He is trying to make me feel smart so that I agree to meet him in hopes of getting more of that sweet, sweet validation. He does not actually mean this. He thinks I am an idiot and is counting on me being stupid enough to fall for the bait. This is the kind of flattery men love to give out: the kind that not only do they not mean, but they actually think the opposite of. They love the thrill of tricking you and being able to feel superior for getting you to fall for something. (And this isn't even touching on the fact that intelligence is an insignificant metric for measuring how kind and wonderful a person is but that's a rant for a different post.

9. 2 because as I have just demonstrated, intelligence isn't the end all be all and I can't count! Anyways, this is my second response, and at this point I know for sure I have a liar on my line, so I'm going to play with him a little bit by asking him obvious questions that will make him panic and bullshit harder. If you want to tell if someone has ANY knowledge of BDSM, this is such a soft ball question that so many people fuck up: what are some scenes you've enjoyed? A person who has never participated in BDSM will have no idea how scenes actually work. Their only frame of reference is porn, which in case you are unaware, bears very little resemblance to how BDSM works in the real world. Porn cuts out the amount of set up, as well as the level of skill some performers have to practice to achieve. The average fuckboy thinks that a bound gangbang is a normal Wednesday for this fantasy life they want to live, and they have 0 idea how to achieve that. Meanwhile, most kinksters, even ones that live for bound gangbangs, realize that coordinating that many people's schedules and getting a space and negotiating consent and having the hard points for the rope ties and having someone skilled in shibari tie up the bottom is a lot of work. Most of our scenes are smaller in scale, but still intimate and fun. Maybe I'm gonna line soda cans up on my girlfriends' dumptruck butt and flog them off and we're both going to laugh so hard we cry. That's a scene I would believe could exist, because it has enough quirky, concrete detail that actual kinksters get up to, and is the sort of silly intimacy that makes kink fun for people. But this fuckboy wants to impress me, so we'll see the lie he actually comes up with soon.

10. Another way to easily tell if someone has ANY idea what they are talking about is to ask how their kink negotiations work. They rarely show this in porn- the negotiations take place off camera, because they are considered "too boring." But for someone into kink, this is where the real action happens. Every good scene starts with all parties sitting down and expressing desires. If someone asked me this, I would probably tell them how the first time I play with a new partner, I like to do a calibration phase where I do something very gently, ask them to rate it, do it slightly harder, ask them to rate it again, until we reach the limit of what they are comfortable with for that scene. By starting low and going slow, I avoid doing too much for my subs, and it helps build trust with them that I will not disrespect their comfort levels. My kink negotiations usually include hands on time with ongoing, enthusiastic consent, in order to get familiar with a new partner's preferences. Other people have more formal contracts to go over, with things like each partner writing down what they agree to or what is off limits. Shit, I've seen people who do needle play who have a diagram of the human body and ask their subs to circle areas they are comfortable having needles. There are several ways to handle kink negotiations, but they should all have the end goal of communicating what sort of play the sub is okay with, and maximizing safety while minimizing risk. The average liar will have no idea how to respond to this, and will do something half-assed. My guy didn't even bother to address it.

10.2 Why did I bother numbering these if I can't count? Anyways, he responds to my inquiry about his hobbies with more vagaries. He doesn't want to give me specifics because he doesn't see me as a person worth engaging with. Do you care if your fleshlight has an opinion on video games? That's what I am to him. There's also that trademark pickup artist attempt to portray himself as a "high value male." Yuck.

11. Huge red flag here: he doesn't know what the term "scene" means in the BDSM sense. He thinks I'm talking about filming?? Like, this is such a base level term I'm honestly surprised he failed this, but here we are. For those that don't know (because not knowing or having experience is okay and something you shouldn't be ashamed of- it's trying to deceive people about your experience that is dangerous!) a "scene" in BDSM means when people engage in negotiated kink. His rephrasing as an "elaborate scenario" is closer to the meaning than his assumption that it is about filming. Anyways, one of the reasons we call it a "scene" is because things agreed to in one scene are for that scene only, and after the scene ends, consent for those activities stops, and needs to be re-negotiated to be done again. For example, if you do an impact scene, then the scene ends, the top doesn't have permission to whack you the next day. You gave consent to be hit for that scene, and that scene only. It's an important building block to consent, and something a lot of outsiders misunderstand. Look, it's really just LARPing, you guys. You wouldn't run up to a LARP partner at the grocery store and whack them with their staff, because you are not in the game right now. Same goes for BDSM and consent negotiations.

12. (safe) "rape roleplay" scenario. The specific term for that is consensual non-consent, or CNC, and the fact that you don't know the terminology means you probably have no idea what you are talking about. Also, there is again a vague statement with no detail to back it up. Exactly how was the roleplay safe? Safety doesn't happen by accident. Tell me how you made it safe. Did you have a safeword? A drop flag for when the bottom was gagged? How often did you do color check ins? The idea of a safeword has entered the public consciousness, but that is only one small part of a BDSM safety net. Having a safeword for a scene as intense as this isn't enough by itself. A lot of people who fantasize about BDSM but don't actually do it don't realize that being able to break scene for 5 seconds to ask "Color?" and have the bottom check in with a "Green" is just as integral to a good scene as having a safeword. Consent is not just the absence of no- it is ongoing and enthusiastic, which means you also should do the occasional scene pause to check in. How often depends on experience and familiarity, but it is still there.

13. "My boyfriend." I only mention this because his profile said he was straight. He is feigning queerness because he knows I am queer and thinks he can do this to score brownie points with me. I know, I know, identity is complex and who am I to say he's never had a bisexual experience blah blah blah. I'm a trans person with a complicated gender identity, is who I am, and I have cis het men who see me as nothing more than a confused women pull this shit on my all the time. Listen, transmascs out there, stay safe. Cis het men WILL feign support of your identity to fuck you without respecting you. (Also cis het men can be terrible to everyone, but this is just something I've personally experienced that I don't see enough people talking about).

14. Again, this gives NO specifics. Name one position. Name one piece of gear. What the fuck do you mean lighting? I think he's still conflating "scene" with shooting a porno. He is throwing a lot at me trying to impress me without betraying his ignorance. Or at least, hoping not to betray it, but I see right through that shit, and I hope seeing this illustrated helps you see through it, too.

15. "It lasted over 2 hours straight with no breaks." Again, this is a number that SOUNDS impressive. After all, when was the last time you saw a porn that was even 2 hours long? But for those of us that do BDSM, an elaborate scene like this can take a while, because there are so many filler moments where we catch our breath or the action lulls, etc. That's the stuff they cut out in porn, which is also why he thinks no breaks is realistic. And I don't know, maybe it is for him and this supposed boyfriend, but it is definitely a yellow flag that should have you raising an eyebrow.

16. He's mad that I am making him bullshit so much, so he again pressures me to hang out and negs me about being boring. God, I'm so fucking dull, trying to vet someone and make sure I'm safe. Better act fast so he doesn't get bored and leave. Barf. This is a clear violation of my previous boundary about wanting to chat before I get to know someone. Again, I cannot emphasize this enough, as a Dom, I would NEVER pressure someone to rush into something. Jesus fucking Christ! The idea makes me sick. I want to talk to them and know what they are into so I can prep something we will both enjoy. Not to flex, but I love designing weird, fun scenes, and this is not how you do it. Also, please note that he has not asked me a SINGLE question about myself, or even what sort of kink I am looking for. I am not a person worth getting to know. He's not interested in doing kink with me. He wants to show up and pressure me into vanilla sex, which as an acespec kinkster, is a hard no for me. Please do not give in to this sort of pressure! I promise, no matter how badly you want to find a play partner, this sort of person will not play with you safely or even in a way that is fun.

17. Okay, context here off screen: as much as it KILLED me, I couldn't meet with him that night, because I was busy doing some intense tabletop with some trans friends. I told you that BDSM is basically LARP in a different hat, so you're not gonna be surprised that I'm also into nerdy tabletop. Anyways, this message didn't make the screenshots, but that's the context of what I told him offscreen.

18. He not only assumes that when I say I'm hanging out with some queer friends tonight that it is an orgy, he also assumes he is invited. It is important to illustrate that this sort of person does not care about your boundaries. He also takes it for granted that the queer people would be dying for his dick. (My guy. Why would we want your dick when there was perfectly good girlcock already there?)

19. Okay, this is a pet peeve of mine. 8 inch dick is actually very rare, like less than 10% of the penis-having population will have one. And yet every guy is MAGICALLY 8 inches. This bothers me not because I care about the size of a dick- you can have fun with any size- but because good sex is about good communication, and lying is NOT good communication. Again, the goal is to get in the door, and then if the penis is underwhelming, he's already there and can whine and sadsack and wear me down. This is yellow because hey, maybe he really DOES have that big of a dick, but it still doesn't matter. I never once indicated that I would be interested in touching or stimulating his penis, and still he has to bring it up.

At this point, the tabletop was getting intense, so I decided to stop baiting him and blow my cover so I could shift focus to the game. I sent him my response, then didn't check my phone again until this morning, at which point he'd left me this absolute GEM.

Okay, so obviously I hope none of you ever get in this deep with one of these scumbags, but now we've gone into some distressing patterns of abuse that I still want to point out as unacceptable and explain why.

20. He flips from building me up to tearing me down and promoting himself as better. Like my guy, I recognize as a human you have intrinsic value and deserve a right to live, but you don't recognize that same humanity in me. Do not let people like this make you feel any sort of way. They do not see the humanity in you, so you can safely disregard their opinion.

21. This is classic DARVO. For those that don't know DARVO is an abuse and control tactic that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. He denies any wrong doing, attacks me with some pithy insults (I'm not schizophrenic, but being schizophrenic isn't an insult, and the fact that he thinks it is speaks volumes), and then accuses ME of doing exactly what he is doing. Listen, if you are a kind human being, chances are when someone levels you with an accusation of causing harm, you're going to do some self-reflection and soul searching because you don't want to hurt people. Abusers prey on this. They make you feel guilty for calling them out so that you are afraid to do so. If you are worried about hurting THEIR feelings, you will take the high road, even if it means being silent when they hurt you. Do not do this. Please. For me. Don't let people abuse you. You deserve to be happy and safe, and people like this have NO right to abuse you.

Also I really want to clarify: there is nothing to be ashamed of about not having experience! Everyone starts somewhere! The reason I rail on this guy for not knowing what he is talking about is that it is DANGEROUS to present yourself as experienced when you aren't, especially when kink is involved. People can get seriously hurt if they attempt kink without the proper knowledge or instruction, and I don't want anyone to be the guinea pig of men that aren't big enough to admit they are beginners. Rope play can cut off circulation and do nerve damage, impact play can cause serious spinal injuries if done improperly, needle play could lead to needles breaking off under, the skin, etc. Educating yourself about how to properly engage in a kink and reduce risk is so important, and so is vetting your potential play partners.

So I hope this was at all educational, and that maybe after breaking down these tactics step by step, you are better able to spot red flags, as well as having some tools to draw the truth out. If you found this guide helpful, consider reblogging so that someone else can find it helpful, too!

[dine-on-nervine]

What was the year/make/model of the last car you drove? 2012 Ford Fusion Hybrid.

Have you ever been in weather below 0 Fahrenheit (-17 Celcius)? Yes, it occasionally got that cold in Yakima.

What was the last thing you used your phone for, besides calling/texting? A TV remote control.

Do you have more male or female coworkers? Male, but the ratio of women is actually higher than you might expect.

Did you enjoy high school? I liked some parts of it. >> That’s about my take, too. Lots of it was bullshit but parts of it were really fun and even occasionally useful.

What's an unusual food combination you like? I put the salsa in my ketchup at Taco Time for my tater tots.

What's the longest stretch of time you've spent completely alone? Days.

Have you ever lived in a studio apartment? Yes, in the late 1980s.

Did your parents allow you to drink soda when you were a kid? Yes, and my mother’s biggest gripe was that some of us would open a can, take a swing, and put it back in the fridge never to finish it so it’d go to waste. I can’t do that, cold flat soda is terrible so I’d rather have warm flat soda.

Do you always check the prices of things when you buy groceries? Usually.

Do you like gyoza? Yes.

Have you ever been in a situation where you needed a lawyer? Yes, and in fact that’s what settled the case -- the city wasn’t expecting me to lawyer up over their poor judgement.

Do you use Instagram? If so, what's your current profile pic? Nope.

Did you ever go through an emo or goth phase? Nope, I had a period or two where I hung out with goths (but wasn’t one myself) because they were fun.

What are your thoughts on kids being given iPads to keep them entertained? I think that’s a cheat, a shortcut. Effective perhaps and maybe when I was a kid that would have been a lifesaver for my mother, but I tend to bristle when I see some little kid in a shopping cart holding a phone or tablet, watching Peppa or Baby Shark.

Do you get regular check-ups with your doctor? LOL, no, and I realize I should.

What was the last thing you felt apprehensive about? I don’t want to elaborate, but my girlfriend and I have a sort of schedule of how things go and recently it seems she’s added something that prevents her from doing the usual nightly things once a week. Which is fine, she’s a grown-ass woman, but it’s never been discussed so I’m the last to know.

How many nights per week do you cook dinner at home vs. going out to eat? Lately it’s been once or twice (microwaving a Costco cheeseburger).

What's a trend you've seen recently that you thought was really dumb? The religious right saying and doing things that genuinely go opposite to what the Bible says. How exactly do you express hate toward women, minorities, and the LGBTQ+ when the book and beliefs you swing around say love one another, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and welcome the immigrant?

Do you know anyone who has been evicted? Not sure. Probably.

When did you last wash your sheets and pillowcases? Pillowcase was a week ago, sheets were a week or two before that.

Have you kissed more than 10 people in the past 10 years? Most definitely, I was leading an exciting life which I don’t miss prior to Covid.

Have you ever been caught outdoors away from shelter during a thunderstorm? Definitely. I remember this sudden storm at summer camp.

Did you leave the house before 10 AM yesterday? I needed to get my glasses repaired so I showed up at their office at 7:50. Never mind that they open at 8:30.

What's your favorite macaron flavor? They have flavors?

How often do you have friends over to your house? I don’t. Mostly because I don’t have friends, but even the ones that do come to my house don’t enter. (Honestly, my girlfriend hasn’t been in my house in three years, and that was to help carry an air conditioner up the stairs.) Which is better since this place has stinky dogs, toxic mold, and a paranoid landlady.

Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? I can think of three examples, two were at the same place (with their replacement simply never doing his job) and one was at Pizza Hut. There were never any reprecussions for the first two (but the replacement did get demoted once but never learned his lesson and got promoted again), and the manager at Pizza Hut got hit with a sexual harassment complaint which resulted in him getting transferred to a different Hut and not some actual punishment.

How many times have you stayed at a hotel in the past year, and where? We usually do AirBnB but I know when we stayed at a Best Western earlier this year on our way to visit my folks.

What kind of technological advancements do you expect there to be 100 years from now? I would have to think about it. Futurism hasn’t ever been my strong suit, and so many of the things we said “one day” or “in the year 2000″ about, we have even if it was in the last 20 years. Minus the flying cars, but now we have self-driving cars and that’s also something that was on the list forever.

Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? Believe so.

What about a flip off of a diving board? Definitely.

What was the last hot beverage you had? Probably a coffee at my girlfriend’s house since I drink it cold at home or when I buy one.

What was the year/make/model of the last car you drove? I don't drive.

Have you ever been in weather below 0 Fahrenheit (-17 Celcius)? Gah, noooo thankfully I have not.

What was the last thing you used your phone for, besides calling/texting? Ha, it's rare that I'm using my phone for actual phone things lol. Anyway, I'm pretty sure it was TikTok.

Do you have more male or female coworkers? I don't have a job.

Did you enjoy high school? I liked some parts of it. Like, I actually enjoyed the pep rallies and assemblies. Honestly, while a lot of it truly was tough and I'll still stand by that, I think as I've gotten older and looked back some of the stuff maybe wasn't so bad after all.

What's an unusual food combination you like? I haven't had it in so long, but I actually think adding mayo to ramen is good.

What's the longest stretch of time you've spent completely alone? Just like half a day.

Have you ever lived in a studio apartment? No.

Did your parents allow you to drink soda when you were a kid? Yeah.

Do you always check the prices of things when you buy groceries? Of course. I don't have money coming out my ass. However, I do sometimes randomly throw stuff in, but it's a snack or drink and I know it doesn't cost much.

Do you like gyoza? I've never had it.

Have you ever been in a situation where you needed a lawyer? No.

Do you use Instagram? If so, what's your current profile pic? Very, very, very rarely. I don't even spend much time on it scrolling through my feed or watching people's insta stories. I just posted something for the first time in a few years for my birthday.

Did you ever go through an emo or goth phase? I had my emo phase when I was 16, but let's be real it was never just a phase.

What are your thoughts on kids being given iPads to keep them entertained? I don't see an issue with it. However, I personally wouldn't use a screen as a babysitter and I'd set limits to screen time. Otherwise, I definitely see the educational benefits. It's just wild how kids literally come out the womb nowadays knowing how to use a tablet or phone like wtf.

Do you get regular check-ups with your doctor? With one of my specialists, but not my primary doctor.

What was the last thing you felt apprehensive about? I'm apprehensive about everything.

How many nights per week do you cook dinner at home vs. going out to eat? I personally don't cook, so in that regard zero. As for how many nights I eat at home vs in my case how many nights I get takeout, it's something like takeout 4-5 times a week.

What's a trend you've seen recently that you thought was really dumb? I will never understand the whole Crocs trend or the little charm things you put on them. I just can't.

Do you know anyone who has been evicted? Not to my knowledge.

When did you last wash your sheets and pillowcases? A couple weeks ago.

Have you kissed more than 10 people in the past 10 years? I've only kissed 3 people total.

Have you ever been caught outdoors away from shelter during a thunderstorm? Gah, yes. I was at an outdoor festival and it just randomly started POURING. It was crazy.

Did you leave the house before 10 AM yesterday? I didn't go anywhere yesterday.

What's your favorite macaron flavor? The Fruity Pebbles one.

How often do you have friends over to your house? --

Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally?

How many times have you stayed at a hotel in the past year, and where? I last stayed at a motel in March of 2022.

What kind of technological advancements do you expect there to be 100 years from now? >> I can't fathom this

Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? No, I can't go on a trampoline.

What about a flip off of a diving board? I can't do that either.

What was the last hot beverage you had? Coffee.

[treatbuckywkisses]

warning: extremely long post.

nobody asked for this lol but i see so much abt supporting creators and people mainly focus on writing and i one million percent agree but i wish you guys would treat all content creators the same lol. some of us can't write so we make gifs/fanart/moodboards etc. i make moodboards and that's all so i can't speak for the gifmakers or anyone else but i am almost 100% positive it's definitely not as easy as it sounds. even making moodboards. yeah how can making a collage of pictures not be easy

let me show you My process a little bit so you can get somewhat of an idea. this is what I usually do there's no wrong or right way and everyone is different but i wanted to share with you what goes on in my head ig

so first i think of an idea right, a trope or something. sometimes i can be inspired by a fic i read. sometimes i just think of something id like to try and make/see. requests are different but that's not why I'm here today.

im using my demon!bucky moodboard as an example bc i had a lot of trouble with him lol. demon bucky is very popular so naturally i wanted to try my hand with him. and it was around the flaunt photoshoot so i had prime materials at my fingertips.

so i usually look into the vibe i want to give this was demon!bucky so we did demon, dark and also a bit of red to accent the photoshoot pics.

then i figure out a layout and how i want them to be.

first made was this one:

it was okay but i didn't like the pics of seb and how they ended up being that way it was too many side profile pics for me.

so i tried this:

i changed one pic and moved 2 and i still didn't really like it how i thought i would

so i tried this one:

honestly this one is my least favorite one. the knife is killing me i hated how it turned out. i just couldn't get them to work how i had imagined in my mind. and then the reds were one one side and the b&w on the same side together ugh it was just no good.

so i went on to this which is the one i finally posted:

i was actually super happy with this one. it was like a great balance imo of everything I was trying and it still gave demon to me (and hello he is scrumptious) i was so sos sooo excited to finally post it after working on it for so long and it didn't even end up doing that good.

also not shown are me playing with the background color. i tried different reds and greys but hated them so I deleted them but there were at least 3 of each lmao.

these are the notes on it today lol:

one of those reblogs and one comment is from myself so those doesn't even count asldhdkdh

now. not every moodboard is like this. sometimes i get lucky and love the one i make on the first try. but that doesn't happen as often. maybe im just doing too much idk that's what it feels like. especially for the "notes" i always get. so many likes hardly and reblogs and almost never comments. which idk comments don't do a lot for me if you don't reblog it yk. reblogs are so important. you tell me you like it so much you want to show all your friends this silly thing i made so maybe they can show their friends too.

maybe im just in a mood today but idk lol someone sent me a request last night and i almost cried because i was so excited.

[billiejeanenthusiast]

Boobiegate masterpost

We know what they did this summer - and oh boy, was a it a wild summer that - unfortunately for us - stretched into autumn and beyond any reason.

I will first go over everything as it happened and then - because when you look back at everything you realise some timelines overlap - I’ll try to clarify some stuff and put it into perspective.

NOTE: I’m writing the dates from a GMT time zone point of view (aka. UK time)

So let’s start from the beginning. 

Briana breaks up with Brody Jenner after dating him for some random attention seeking period. (June-September roughly)

Here’s an article talking about that irrelevant relationship. https://www.yourtango.com/2020334835/who-brody-jenner-girlfriend-briana-jungwirth-louis-tomlinson-baby-mama Now let’s fast forward a bit to September. 

September 23rd

So on September 23rd we’re flooded with articles about Brody and Bri breaking up and Bri getting back together with her “on-again off-again (boy)friend Nick” and the biggest surprise “BRI IS ENGAGED”

So the story is: 

Bri ended her relationship with Brody because “they were moving too fast” and he had “already met Freddie” 

She then gets back together with her on-again, off-again bf Nick Gordon 

She, her family, and Nick go on a “whirlwind” trip to Las Vegas (MIND YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC) 

Bri and Nick get engaged during those Covid inviting few days in Vegas (September 21st- September 23rd) 

Articles drop about how they’re engaged and she’s broken up with Brody (Sept 23rd) 

Bri, family and Nick all share a huge amount of Vegas pictures of them in love, Bri’s ring, Bri and Nick being a couple (pictures obviously taken before Vegas to hopefully make someone believe that this in no way is a whirlwind engagement after just knowing each other a few weeks. Did they convince anyone? Well if you are convinced - I’m worried for you) 

Here’s the tmz article:https://www.tmz.com/2020/09/23/brody-jenner-split-briana-jungwirth-engaged/ Here’s some pics of them we were all subjected to while they were in Vegas. And Nick’s new public profile when it just got made. Was he trying to start an influencer career and say goodbye to being a firefighter? Was he trying to get a night job taking off that all firefighter gear for money? Magic mike was a big movie after all….Who knows.

September 28th

At first the engagement pictures on Nick’s IG were just him and Briana and he used the #/shesaidyes. After a few days and probably after they realised it would be a smart move to acknowledge her kid she claims to have too (👀) he deleted those and on September 28th posted new pictures with a new caption and new # of course. This time “theysaidyes”.

The pictures are below.

But, moving on.

As soon as the engagement news drops, we have Nick - our “good-guy firefighter” making a new and public IG account, flooding it with pictures where he professes his love for Bri and soaking up the d-list association fame.

So in the coming weeks we get a lot of Nick, Bri and their families on IG. They post a lot about being constantly together.

What was the most interesting they really pushed the “dad” image on Nick. He was constantly posting about Freddie and even in Bs or Tammi’s stories he was always seen interacting with F the most.

Then after it seemed like the new fiancees had settle into their soon-to-be married life and everything seemed rosy for them - we get hit with the whammy BOOBIEGATE.

Because hell hath no fury like a sugar daddy scorned.

October 15th

On the 15th of October celebtm a gossip site, posts the next picture and caption on IG:

Basically, they’re saying a guy - his name unknown yet - contacted them to tell them how Briana scammed him out of money she borrowed to get a boob job. Specifically 5k USD. He claims he filed the case in court and it’s dated January.

They ask if anyone else has similar receipts or anything about her and that they’re investigating and will be writing a story. And the comments have a lot to say about Bri.

October 19th

4 days later on October 19th celebtm posts another IG update about how they have the court filing and how their article is in progress.

October 21st

2 days after the last IG post celebtm finally posts their article - on the 21st of October

https://celebmagazine.com/louis-tomlinson-briana-jungwirth-sued-over-boob-job/

(It’s on the web still - if it ever gets deleted let me know I have screen recordings of it)

The article is accompanied by this (below) IG post:

Also on this day we get Briana and Nick deactivating their IG profiles. Nick still kept his personal private IG and the only person who stayed public is Tammi.

October 22nd

A day after the article dropped there’s another IG post with the following picture and caption. Apparently, Sugar Daddy shared his receipts - specifically AmEx - with celebtm.

October 26th

On October 26th celebtm posts the second part of the article. It’s messier, with a more confusing timeline than the first, but tries to “spill” more details on Sugar Daddies relationship with Briana and her life in general.

Also by now we know his name - Michael Strauss. An investor in Warwick club in LA.

https://celebmagazine.com/louis-tomlinson-baby-mama-briana-jungwirth-double-life/

(Again this is the link - if the article gets taken down and you want to see it - DM me)

October 27th

Then a day later we get another IG post - no new article - just more excerpts from what the Sugar Daddy told celebtm.

Then it’s quiet for a few days and when you think this can’t get even more trashy - low and behold the circus that is called October 29th.

October 29th

So after a few days of silence celebtm strikes again, but this time they bring in TV’s most loved judge - Judge Judy. Apparently the TV show was willing to take this litigation and air it as an episode.

As always, they post an IG post and a caption, and the article mentioned in the IG caption below is basically an article written for clicks about Louis and Harry because they saw the larrie part of the fandom was getting them clicks. I’ll leave the link to the article here for documentation purposes, but honestly there’s nothing in there worth giving them clicks for. Not a thing. The title of the article is “A Complete Guide to 1D Members Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles’ Rumoured Relationship”

Article: https://celebmagazine.com/louis-tomlinson-harry-styles-relationship/

November 6th

We see the sudden return from social media exile of Bri to IG. She’s back - with a post and the description ironically saying “I’m back”. I refuse to post it because does anyone really want to look at her face-tuned selfies? 

November 9th

Then after weeks of radio silence, the return of Bri to IG, we get what is apparently the - very underwhelming - like Bri’s boobs to Sugar Daddy who never got to see them - conclusion to this Sugar Daddy drama. This following article which is basically a letter from Michael to Briana telling her how he’s giving up on the lawsuit, taking this as a life lesson and how he hopes no one else falls for her scams. Article below:

https://celebmagazine.com/michael-straus-briana-jungwirth-open-letter-to-one-direction-louis-tomlinson-alleged-baby-mama/

(Again this is the link - if the article gets taken down and you want to see it - DM me)

And of course - the article is accompanied by an IG post by celebtm.

So, here we currently are. After watching that circus show no one wanted not paid for (well except the Sugar Daddy, and he didn’t even get to see the thing he paid for - so sad.) we’re in November and the Jungwirths and company are back to their carefree posting on IG. 

Current status:

The lawsuit seems to have been dropped. 

Everything seems to be in process of being swept under the rug.

Nick - the loving fiancee - is back to IG too. All of his happy, loving pictures with Bri still up (some deleted) - so we must assume their love survived Boobiegate.

As for overlapping timelines:

The timelines overlap mostly during the months March-October with it being said Bri dated Brody, but was also taking money from Boobie Daddy who was helping her during the pandemic, and was later also apparently starting a serious relationship with Nick.

What actually went on - I don’t know. And I’m honestly not interested to find out. This is being mentioned just so anyone coming across this post knows that yes - you didn’t read it wrong - the timelines do overlap with different people saying different things and Bri being tied to all three men at those times without any real clear timeline for the relationships.

So far this is all there is to this mess. If there’s more - I’ll do a part two or addition.

I’d like to end this with saying - these masterposts are 95% just me making them for myself because I forget stuff, and so much goes on in the fandom that if I want to keep up with it all, I need a nice timeline for things. I’m posting this for anyone wanting to make sense of this circus too or just to put it into a timeline. I did fact check all the dates, posts, IG pics, links and so on - but mistakes can happen - if there is one feel free to let me know.

[youremyonlyhope]

Starship Rewatch

10 years ago today (well, yesterday since I’m posting it a day later), 15 year old Hope curled up on her couch to watch a new StarKid show called Starship right as it dropped. This was the first time I got to watch a show when it was posted since I didn’t become a StarKid fan until a months earlier. I was so excited.

And now, I’m rewatching Starship for the first time in full in at least 5 years I think. I listened to the soundtrack twice earlier today, singing along at my desk at work (thank god no one else was here tonight to judge me). I still know so many of the lyrics. And so many little jokes and stuff were flooding back. Starship was my favorite StarKid show for a long time, so I’m so excited to watch this again to see if it’s still my fave.

This post ended up being really long, so you’ve been warned. But it also includes pictures of the crocheted Roach and Bugette plushies that I made as a teen.

OH. THE OLD LOGO. AHHH. I already have so many feels. The future is now! I can’t handle this. The nostalgia! The Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration. My facebook account to this day says I am a Starship Ranger at the G.L.E.E. because I’ve never bothered to change it. Also, shoutout to anyone from the StarKidPotter FB and EFST days if you’re reading this. AHHH IT’S CHRIS AND ERIC. Ok I might have to pause 20 thousand times during this Starship Ranger ad to acknowledge all the StarKid cameos. Tyler! “We come to conquer... in peace!” Tyler I love you. Brian and Richard! I forgot they painted Richard BLUE. Britney and Ariel! Nicholas Joseph Stauss-Matathia! I see that StarKid’s website has shortened his name to just Nicholas Strauss but remember the days when we’d purposefully say his full name? Anyway, I literally just screamed “NICK” when I saw him because he was always one of my faves. The Old Snatch was and still is iconic. Devin and Lily! The Wizard God himself, AJ Holmes. God... remember those AJ Holmes appreciation days where we’d make Chuck Norris-like memes about AJ? So much is rushing back from the depths of my mind oh my god... It’s been so long yet it feels like yesterday... “Someone really *static* F- *static* -ucked up big time” Love it.

2 minutes and 22 seconds in. I’ve written so much. I had to pause before Joey started singing to take a moment. I love this show so much. I love these goofballs so much. And they’re all so young. Most of them are younger than I am now. This is insane.

Ok I have to promise myself not to pause as much now. *Spoiler, I failed*

“I’ll fight off this gamma radiation if it’s the last thing I ever do!... We’re going down! This is the last thing I’ll ever do!” Oh my god. Look at baby Joey. He hasn’t even graduated from college yet. And that Bug puppet! Someone remind me to dig up the pictures of my crocheted plushies of Starship puppets since I made Roach and Bugette and gave them to the StarKids at SPACE and Apocalyptour. (I also did Rumbleroar, but the bugs were my own pattern I made so I was more proud) The camera is focused in on Bug instead of Joey’s face. I love it. So much. Brannnttttttt. My god. Am I gonna freak out over every single entrance? Roach pretending to die, he’s the best friend ever. “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs.” “Or the one bug, I know.” Oh man, when that line comes back... “Dirt eater” “Exoskeleton polisher” “I wanna build honeycombs” “The bug that ruins your picnic” “A fly on the wall!” That line came back to me earlier today and I died. Remembering that line was like 50% of the reason I listened to the soundtrack today.

Nick Lang! Julia! LAUREN LOPEZ. THERE SHE IS. Lovebugs, I can’t. *Sentimental music* “You could come over to my nest and I could... tear off your head and let my larva devour your body?” How did I forget that line? The way Lauren has to kick Bugette’s larva sack to walk. But the way that it also works so well with the character. I can’t. The Mosquito Brothers!! I forgot they show up so early. “This is our sister, Sweetheart” “...YO.” I CANNOT HANDLE JIM POVOLO. The “zzzz”s like buzzing as backing vocals instead of the usual “ahs” and “oohs.” The things you don’t appreciate until years later. Darren, you genius. That is such a good detail. For a second I couldn’t remember who the Overqueen is played by. 99% sure it’s Jim (It is). Also. Overqueen like ovary... and it looks like a giant vagina. That had to be pointed out to me later. “FLATTERY WILL GET YOU... everywhere.” Why did I forget that line too? “I’m a starship ranger” “Quiet you, you’re drunk” “No I’m drunk!” I remembered that line probably like... 2 minutes earlier when I noticed Joe huddling in the background and realized that line was coming up. The way Joey lets go of the puppet so both he and the puppet walk away with their arms limp... so cute.

Before even pressing play on part 3, I can hear February saying “Let the record show I am super ahead of schedule.” and I’m dying. I forgot about Brian as the escape pod. Denise Donovan! That Star Trek prop. I’m dumb so I can’t remember if it’s a communicator or what. But I know my Uhura Barbie had a mini one that I lost within a month probably. “OxyGen” “Schience” I can’t. “Mission Log... I think I just heard a spooky noise.” How am I forgetting all of these amazing lines? “Pika-pi!” AHHH I JUST SCREAMED. “My stars, I seemed to have landed in a field of these aMiNals!” I can’t. “Can I tell you guys something?” *port de bras and falls gently to the ground* “Hello!” “TOTORO!” I’m dead. The balloon mechanism on the mosquitos! I forgot about that! “HOLY SHIT IT’S A BUUUUGGGGG” Ok something I noticed but didn’t mention earlier. The bug puppet that Joe uses when he says “I had my heart set on nourishment” is the same one red and pink one that Julia used when talking about wanting to be nourishment. When Julia actually gets eaten, she’s using a different bug puppet, the green and pink one, but the same character voice. So, I can’t tell if they intentionally had her play 2 bugs so Joe could be one of them later, or if it was a mistake. I might also just be overthinking things. “ME THINKS IT WENT THAT-A-WAY” I cannot handle Jim Povolo. That scream Joe does as he slimes her. Woah I originally wrote “There seems to be no signs of intelligent lifeforms anywhere” earlier and then deleted it since I don’t know why I found it remarkable. And then looking at the comments of this part I see someone mentioned a Toy Story reference. So that’s why that line stuck out to me. Aww StarKid. There are so many Disney references in this show.

THERE SHE IS. THERE’S MY GIRL TAZ. The pew pew effects how could I forget that!  “Hey Taz. You’re pretty tough for a chick.” “I was just going to say the same thing about you.” “Woahhhhhhhh” JoMo oh my god. “My spectrometer readings are off the wazooooooo” That line kills me. Why am I JUST NOW noticing, 10 years later, that Tootsie enters this scene with his gun facing the wrong way. Oh my god. “I saw the empirical proof that science killed god. It’s comforting to know he was once alive though. I like to think that when he died, he went to heaven.” Oh Tootsie Noodles. “...What the hell kind of name is that?” “He’s got bear hands??” Why do I forget all of these lines??!? That record scratch and freeze frame to go “BOOOOOO” oh my god I forgot that. “Like the other day, he was in the cafeteria, just cah-rying in front of everybody.” BOOOOOOO. Here we go, Taz’s amazing Up monologue. “And when Up, cuts an onion, the ONION is the one who cry.” HELP. Also 99% sure I used that joke for AJ appreciation at least one year. “Now take a walk off my knife” What a line. So awesome. I remember having a profile pic on FB that was the text of that monologue and the image of Lauren screaming “WALK IT OFF” I’m still convinced that first “WOO” from the audience that we hear when Up enters is Darren. “I do not peepee sitting down” “Huh??” JoMo’s face as if he’s trying his hardest not to laugh and I can’t tell if that’s him breaking character or if Krayonder is actually trying not to laugh. “I peepee like big boy, deadgoddamnit. So stop making fun of me because it hurts my feelings” I’m dying. Also, deadgoddamnit is amazing. “if you don’t go out there and die for something, then I will kill you for nothing.” I remembered the mirror scene, just seconds before it started and already started laughing. “You’re not a failure, overall.” “Allow me to introduce you to the final member of your team. MegaGirl!” I forgot how DRAMATIC that was. I also forgot that’s how MegaGirl comes into the story.

I need to stop pausing every 5 seconds oh my god I’ll never finish this tonight if I don’t.

“All hail AstroBoy” That was the funniest line. “MegaGirl, can you kill humans?” “No. But I’d like to.” I can’t handle it. “A horse ate my cousin! Me and horses got a feud.” #1 MegaGirl doing the “I’m watching you” hand sign. I can’t. “Hey. Miráme. *Slaps* NOW ESCHUCHAME” amazing. “Or that time. You taught me calculus... CALCULUS WAS TOUGH.” I never went past pre-calc. Nope. Ah. Get Back Up. One of my fave songs. “And now we dance.” Dylan’s “OW” as they lean back. “Ok Idiotas. Say something nice. Or I will kill you.” It’s all so iconic.

“So you still think being an egg planter is lame?” “...Yes.”  The larva oh my god. I forgot we see one before the end. That’s Jaime playing the larva I think. Life is definitely one of my all-time favorite StarKid songs to this day. I wish it was longer. I love it so much. And I love that its instrumental is scattered as a motif throughout the show. “It’s a short, small thing we lead. With so much potential, pointless or essential, which one can I be?” Wow. Near Pippin levels of giving me an existential crisis. Also wow Joey improved his singing so much between AVPS and Starship. “My name’s Bug” “*Gasp!* Like a bug??” “Uh... no.” “Good. I’m February, like the month, but a person.” I should start saying that honestly. “I’m Hope, like the concept, but a person.” “You boldly go where every man -hey- woman -bark woof- or data dog has ever gone before! Sorry K9DX” Adorable. Joey’s subtle little double nod he makes the Bug puppet do when he’s shocked she thinks he’s a Starship Ranger. Amazing. Ah he said goddamn not deadgoddamn! February should have known right then he wasn’t human! “Take my claw” that too. "The only thing that needs to rest are your jokes, because they are so tired.” “Woahhhhhh” No but like... why don’t I use that line in everyday life... “Now I am slightly less weak.” “Ok. I’m going to shoot this metal bitch!” I’m dying. How did I forget the Taz/MegaGirl rivalry?? “That thing is a R-O-B-O-T man” “Can’t fool me with numbers, Krayonder.” I’m dead. “The stack of hay was my cousin!” #2 The way Meredith says “barometric pressure” is great. And Tootsie saying “Well you must take real good care of it, because I never would have guessed.” He’s such a sweetheart. “Nobody shoot dammit, nobody shoot.” “KILL KILL KILL” I never really liked Hideous Creatures but it’s so cute to see MegaGirl do the choreo robotically. I love that the Gap hasn’t changed. “Cool it skank, you do not know me.” Another line that I forgot until a split second before it was said. I’m so glad whoever edited this added some pews going in the wrong way for Tootsie’s gun. I know I definitely noticed Tootsie’s gun was backwards during this part, but I don’t know if I noticed it was backwards in that very first scene too. I forgot about MegaGirl tossing out Specs. That “MEGAGIRL!!!” scream from Joe though.

“Never in my 6 long days of life.” Underappreciated joke. Also, I think this is the 4th unique upright bug puppet. We got red/pink, green/blue, green/pink, and now red/blue. Also, Nick Lang is a great puppeteer. “Yes, I helped her escape. But I swear, never in a million years, did I think I’d be caught and yelled at for it!”  Oh I forgot Bugette is the witness. Jaime’s angry face behind Joey is killing me. “He didn’t know the humans were evil.” “Oh, they’re not.” “Shut up!” Humoons and hoomans. “And no more singing or dancing” *gasps of horror* “The Overqueen has overspoken.” “Well, that’s not gonna help your chances with Bugette” Oh Roach. “PERHAPS.” Jim destroys me.

God the 4-person Pincer puppet. Amazing. Dylan’s arms being strong enough to be above his head for 10 minutes straight. Amazing. Also, Nick Lang is so emotive as a claw. It took me a sec but yeah JoMo is the tail. “There were? Where are they?” Joey’s face. “Tell me all about her” The claws under the chin I can’t. Hey StarKid, I see you throwing in an ad mid-video before Kick It Up a Notch. You’re lucky I love and support you guys. “Put ‘em together and what have you got?” bibbity boppity boo. More Disney references! This scene is full of them. Man, remember when we were all blown away by Dylan’s voice in this song the first time? Like we could tell he could sing in AVPM/S, but his songs were just so jokey and only his long “Welcooooooooooome” showed us his talent. But then Kick It Up a Notch happened. And we FINALLY appreciated Dylan’s beautiful voice. “I pushed it to the limit.” and “To coin a phrase, be a man.” more Disney. I might be overthinking this and will have to rewatch Life to confirm, but I think the camera zooming out as Pincer reprises Life is just like the camerawork when Bug sang it originally. If so, then wow even when filming their shows StarKid really thinks it all through. (Update: It totally is referencing the original zooms for Life and that’s amazing. Except it’s zooming out instead of in. I LOVE the attention to detail even in filming the show. I’m gonna guess that’s Liam’s doing.) All I can see when I hear Bug’s chorus of this song is Jaime and her SPACE tour dancing, which they incorporated in Apocalyptour as actual choreography. Because they’re goofballs. The kick line. Love it. God. Even though it’s not my favorite song from Starship (just because I love Life and Beauty more), Kick It Up A Notch is one of the best StarKid has ever done. I really has everything. Dylan’s gorgeous voice. Not one but two reprises of earlier songs to throw Bug’s own words back at him. Jim’s bass line. Awesome puppets. Disney references. It’s so amazing. I love how all the comments are either about Dylan’s voice or Dylan’s ability to hold his arms up for a 10+ minute scene or both.

"Gameover man, gameover!” “I feel like cutting open your belly, and filling it with jelly” *Gasps* Oh my god, I put on the captions for a second, and  the caption said *Sad spayed puppy noises* “I am in charge of this mission now.” How did I forget about the mustache until 2 seconds before it happened? “She’s got the mustache now. *Kisses head* I love you” Oh my god Tootsie. I FORGOT ABOUT THE SECOND STACHE. There’s an ad right when we see Bug’s human form and I can’t even care because look at him! Ahhh. And the blue headband! Ahhhhh. Joey you’re so adorableeeee. “Bug? Well that’s a fine name.” His concerned face then the relief. Adorable. “Thank you sir. I am a tough bitch.” “Getting nothing but bug muff?!?” I love the slight delay the audience has before laughing as they realize what was just said. “Bug. You hard, ese. You flame.” I die. “Up there. In Space!” *dramatic pointing* No I totally didn’t just do the dramatic pointing with them... no that’s not in my muscle memory from 10 years ago... why would you think that. I’ll rave about Status Quo after it’s done. “But, what if I miss you?” Awwwwwwwww. And that “Just look up.” screenshot was used for “This.” memes in the fandom for years.

Oh Joey. Status Quo is such a good song too. And he really did improve as a singer to sing it. Earlier this week I remembered that this week is also the 10th anniversary of that time Darren was hopping from city to city every single day to promote the Warblers album. And at one point in that week he did a livestream that I remember rushing home to watch. In that livestream, I am 99% sure he sang Status Quo as a little sneak preview for Starship being released later that week. (Just checked, yep he sang it in a livestream on April 20 2011) God I love this song. Then the version the boys all sang for SPACE Tour was beyond beautiful too. Ahhh I love this musical.

Ok. It’s almost midnight. I started this 3 hours ago. I’m probably not finishing the show until 2am at the rate that I’m pausing and stopping to comment. But OH WELL.

“Dr. Spaceclaw” wow. “Leaving them behind was of little consequence, but a pleasure.” Oh Megagirl. “You did a very good job today too, son.” “*Gasp* Thanks dad.” That Star Wars fake-out though. Speaking of Star Wars, I really need to rewatch Ani now that I’m actively a Star Wars fan unlike last time when I still wasn’t invested in the movies I just watched them. How did I forget about Jaime playing Junior’s new mom?? ...Does Junior get an alien incubating in his chest... is that foreshadowing... I can’t remember. (This was like... half a foreshadow) This scene is funnier now that Breredith is married. The way Junior says “Phew” I’m dead. I remembered how they restrain MegaGirl once again 2 seconds before it happened oh my god. “We deserve bubbles on our skin.” An iconic line. “Well thank the long dead god you made it, Bug!”  The crunching of the handshake, I can’t. Oh someone in the comments pointed out that Bug and February are doing the Tarzan hand thing while Up’s asking Taz to see a movie. Adorable.

Get yourself a man like Tootsie who won’t stand for you talking down about yourself. “Maybe this was all part of God’s plan. He made before he died.” I love the dead god jokes. I remember years ago some kid on facebook was like “The dead god jokes are offensive” and I was like “It’s a sci-fi musical about a bug in a human body but sure worry about god being dead.” but probably in an even more immature answer. I’m just mesmerized by Tootsie and MegaGirl’s verses. God. The first Dylan and Meredith duet. Amazing. And MegaGirl’s confused face is great. “Don’t press that button, or we’ll all be sucked into space.” So... Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Oh shoot... ok wait no I’ll comment on that when we get there. God that is such a cute love song. I wrote barely anything just because I love that song so much. Would love to know where Tootsie’s taking her though.

Oh my god this scene! I forgot about this. How could I forget this. “Well the world always looks a little bit brighter, from on top of a lap.” I had remembered Bug sitting on Up’s lap, but not Specs. This is the part I forgot. Adorable. Ahhhh so cute. The Specs/Krayonder relationship was apparently cut from the filmed version, but was present if you saw it live. These moments are adorable. And I love how this is the second person JoMo’s had to carry in this show since he also carried Denise earlier. “Why if it isn’t Bug, my oldest friend.” and “Don’t say that, my dear.” are adorable. Oh wait. Up sat on Bug’s lap. Not the other way around. Ok. I didn’t remember this scene as well as I thought I did. I’m dying. I didn’t want to write anything during this, but oh my god “That son of a bitch Optimus Prime” I forgot that. I love the audience’s reaction to “The entire right side of my body, it’s a robot” because they all gasp, and then laugh at themselves for gasping. I knew there was something he couldn’t do without crying. I didn’t remember it being “Sir I Wanna Buy These Shoes” Christmas Song. It’s ok Up, I haven’t listened to that song in full in years. I can’t handle it. But Christmas songs in general make me cry too. Oh Up said goddamn instead of deadgoddamn too. Hmm... Aww the mother spider story. “I think the old you was just killing out of hate.” “Oh I was.” I’m dying. Awwww the nose kiss. I definitely remembered that. “Deadgodspeed soldier!” The way Joey misses catching the keys and also Darren’s “Woo!” in the audience again. So great. That 12 minute scene is just adorable and the Up story is so dramatic and hilarious.

Hmm finishing before 2am might be ambitious... “Hahaha. Then I’ll shoot him!” “Taking care of my business down on the planet is that cool with you?” Brian’s delivery of that line has always intrigued me. “How much I care about my MegaGirl unit’s survival is also a percent equivalent to zero” Rude. “You are nothing like my boyfriend, Tootsie Noodles.” “Yes, well - wait WHAAA” This scene is so different now that they’re married. “Ha. Ha. It was cute.” “You’re... a toaster.” *Slaps* Ok 1) I used to use that insult all the time and only half ironically. I was a strange teenager. 2) She just hurt a human... isn’t that against programming, or can she just not kill humans? Evil angry Brolden is something we need more of. I love Brian as a villain. More please. “You stupid goddamn robot” So I guess they say goddamn and deadgoddamnit. I’m overthinking the evolution of language in this universe. Also Brian’s screams while being choked are amazing. I’ve never forgotten those, if anything they’re better now.

AHHHH I REFRESHED AND DELETED ALL OF MY STUFF FOR BEAUTY. Kill me. I’m so mad. Let me try to recreate it but I hate myself. I was saving this draft after every part but OF COURSE I don’t save after my favorite song and then refresh.

Oh poor Meredith. Her white wig doesn’t let her blend in as much when she’s in the hoodies playing a bug. “Oh hey Bugette, we’re just trying to get Bug laid!” That bug had to know about Bugette’s crush though? That’s just cruel. “The ending is killer” ruuuuuuddddddddddeee. I know I had at least one more point, but that’s lost to the ether. Beauty is probably my fave, if not tied with Life. When I was listening to it earlier, I was overcome with emotion because it’s just such a joyful song. These days I cry over happy stuff almost as much as I cry over the sad. And these lines just hit so hard... I love it. I love this song so much and this scene so much. “Bug. She excreted her filth for you. WE DID IT!!!!!!!!” Brant Cox is so good. It really is a shame he’s not in anything else besides AVPSY and the 10th Anniversary with everyone else. “I do accept you for who you really are. A genius.” Well February, you’ll be glad to know that you thought of that, so you’re the genius. Wow. Junior’s 25, Brian was 25, and now I’m 25. This really was perfect timing for the 10th anniversary. Also I do not feel 25. “Suck off!” amazing.

I’M SAVING THIS TIME.

Ok next part. Luckily I was only 1 minute into the next part when I refreshed. Still so mad at myself... “Someone really firetrucked up big time” (Dead)God I love that line. I also used firetruck unironically. Once again, I was a strange teenager and I didn’t like cursing and I still don’t. “This is so weird, I’m so used to the scrambly version.” (It was while writing this line the first time that I refreshed and lost Beauty....) Ok as I watch AJ, it’s hitting me that he almost definitely came to the set during rehearsals and filmed his part since it’s not a green screen like the rest of them. “The hunters have become the hunted, and it’s wabbit season.” “That was a good video, until the end when it got sad.” Thanks Bug. “I think, I just had a think” See February’s smart. “I’m in a weird situation” Love that line. “Bug is a BUG!? I DON’T BELIEVE IT” Oh Junior. Dylan’s insulted face at “I am not... a dumbass.”  So I can’t tell if Brian forgets he’s trapped when he moves his arms into a more relaxed position to lean on the column and then puts them back, or if it’s purposefully staged that way. Brian’s acting while he pretends to be shy and embarrassed about his evil plan is amazing and adorable. Brian has a good evil laugh, why don’t we get him as a villain more often? Also I was gonna make some sort of joke about Nick as Pincer’s left claw vs. Robert as Snarl’s left paw, but I’ll leave it be.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT WEIGHT TAZ WAS LIFTING JUST FLOATING UP TO THE SKY WHEN SHE LETS GO. I just laughed out loud. “Damn that G.L.E.E. They’re always making twisted abominations of everything!!” I cannot handle it. And the wink. Poor Darren but also not poor Darren at all. I was just now WRACKING my mind for who could possibly be playing Pincer’s tail if JoMo was being devoured by mosquitos. It’s Brant. Literally the entire cast is currently onstage. Ok Krayonder’s been getting his blood drained for 3 minutes, why is he alive? OH I FORGOT KRAYONDER GETS UP AND SHOOTS THE BUGS. Ok and he gets chopped by Pincer’s claws too so HOW does he survive? StarKid answer!!! I forgot how dramatic this musical gets when you got both the bugs and MegaGirl coming after the humans. Aww the Vulcan salute from Specs. “I changed my name. To Tootsie... MegaGirl.” I love the reactions of the people in the audience who immediately realize what that means. I hear at least one “oh my god” that sounds like sobbing. Awwwww Tootsie’s “that’s real” speech and “I’d love you if you was the horse that ate my cousin.” (#3) just... get yourself a man like Tootsie MegaGirl. He is perfection. God the downloading love scene is so cute. I can’t handle it.

The Up saving Taz scene is so dramatic. Then Brian and Jim just calmly walk offstage. It kills me. Also why did Jaime just continue to lie there? “I just needed to learn how to kill with my heart.” Not exactly what Bug meant, but it works. God Taz climbing onto Up’s back is still the most hilarious thing ever. Whoever thought of her climbing that way was a genius. So funny. I always wanted to try it. Holding the gun up to her head like a blowdryer always gave me anxiety. Making the door out of a scrim that can be backlit was genius. Oof and bringing back “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs. Or the one bug.” just hurts. Poor Bug. My heart. This is probably the line that sticks with me to this day and I do think about sometimes.

Ok it’s now 2am and I still have 2 more parts.

I sorta love that Joey didn’t have the time to change into his blacks so he’s still in the Starship Ranger suit while playing the Bug puppet. “Save the Overqueen. I love her.” Awww. “Roach, I’m gonna get the job done if it’s the second last thing I do.” Love it. That Kick It Up A Notch Reprise though. Brian, you should play villains more often. Also remember all of us being like “LUPIN CAN SING?!?!?!??!!” “Lucky for me, God is dead. When you see him in hell, tell him Junior sent you.” Deadgod I love that line. This whole deadgod thing was just leading up to that amazing line. Oh no Bugette! Bug saying “maestro” oh my god. “DFSDSJFDSJKFDS... I’m dead.” I forgot that part! Oh my god the way Brian flicks the glasses back down on his face. Ok so I saw Lauren wiggle her way behind the mucus sac, but I didn’t see Nick come onstage. I rewinded, and I guess the zoom in shots on Brian and Joey were timed so we can’t see Nick join Lauren to be the first larva to come out. Oh well. And I love the crowd cheering as Junior dies. “And bingo was his name-o” That callback though. I forgot that the Overqueen eats Bugette’s body while crying. “Or Bugette! Oh...” Also god Roach is adorable.

Last part. 2:21am. Here we go. Krayonder got his blood sucked out by giant mosquitos and was cut up by a giant scorpion, but all he needs is a bandage around his head. Awwww the soft “I Wanna Be” playing the background as Bug begs the team to accept his bug form. Bug being so mad “It’s that bastard Pincer isn’t it?” and then being so happy that Joey does the little nose scrunch thing. So cute. JOEY’S FACE WHEN DENISE KISSES THE BUG PUPPET. Cannot believe I forgot that until 2 seconds before it happened too. “I now pronounce you man vs. machine. Fight!” WOAH. Why in the WORLD did “eep op ork ahah” come back to me. I was able to say it WITH Joey. That was straight from the DEPTHS of my teenage brain oh my god. I forgot about that oh my GOD. THAT’S INSANE. I FORGOT SO MUCH STUFF BUT I REMEMBERED HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN BUG.

And the Beauty reprise.

God I love this musical. It’s still my fave StarKid show I think. And I’m horrified to see that it has only 500K views for the last part, so only 500K people have watched it all the way through after 10 years. That’s disgraceful. It’s amazing. Watch Starship.

It is 2:32am. I started at 8:50pm. Got sidetracked when I had to rewatch the Beauty part of Act 2 again to make sure I got my notes back in the post. Took a few bathroom breaks. But this is mostly because I paused every like 10 seconds to make a comment, so it took 5 and a half hours to watch a 3 hour musical. This why I take forever to watch things while liveblogging. I take too long to writing notes.

I’ll probably just post this in the morning. Gotta proofread for mistakes before posting.

Ok it’s the next afternoon. This post is literally 5,000+ words and takes 20 minutes to read according to a online word counter. I’m sorry to whoever read this entire thing. Your reward is the pictures of the Starship plushies I crocheted when I was 15 and 16.

(Ignore the bad lighting and my horribly chipped paint. That’s the only picture I have of the Bugette one since I gave it to Lauren Lopez a day later. I started making another for myself shortly after but never finished. Maybe I should finally finish the second one... hmm...)

[toribun]

αγάπη

Words :: 6,6k

Pairing :: idol!/soulmate!Jimin x soulmate!reader

Warnings :: swearing, talk about social anxiety, some bad talk about chimchim, a mention about becoming lesbian, future angst, future smut.

CHAPTER 2

the phone call with your mom was definitely the most stressful phone call you had to take in your life. It was even worse than the time you almost sat the whole apartment on fire when you tried to make your friend eggs and bacon for her birthday breakfast. 

She had gotten worried demanding that you gave her your soulmates whole name and the number to Mrs.Kim. You knew you couldn’t give her that though. It would only make matters worse. You loved your mother to death, but she was a bit aggressive when it came to her children. You knew if you gave your mother Mrs.Kims number that she would lash out and probably be sued by the company because of harassment. And you knew she didn’t have enough money saved up to pay for compensation or a good lawyer.

You hadn’t slept much that night. You were too nervous about the meeting with Mrs.Kim and about your neighbor’s reaction to you having visitors. You were supposed to lay low, but everyone in your town knew you never had people over. you were kind of known in town as the young girl that wasn’t capable of making any friends.But most of all you were nervous about how many people Mrs.Kim would bring with her. She said she would bring a full security team. How many people is that? Would they just stand outside your house all day? Because that would definitely bring you an unnecessary amount of attention from your neighbors. 

You hadn’t read anything more about Jimin in your letter nor have you searched for any information about him or his company on the internet. You figured that you would be better of going in the blind about him as much as everybody else does when they get matched. You didn’t need to put more pressure on yourself than you already have. You had started to worry about how he took it when he found out that a girl that works as a bartender and barely made enough money to pay her bills was his soulmate. He must have been so embarrassed. Maybe that why Mrs. Kim and a whole fucking security team were on their way to you at this very moment. Maybe their job was to hide you from the media because Jimin didn’t want anyone to find out about his poor and unsuccessful soulmate. 

Okay... relax (y/n), no need to make yourself hate the guy before you had even been introduced to him. Just take a chill pill. 

When the clock hit ten you heard a knock on your door. A woman, probably in her early thirties was looking at you through your glass door as you walked down the stairs. She had to be Mrs.Kim. Four men all dressed in black was standing on both sides behind her.

When you opened the door, it took approximately five seconds before the lady and all the men had taken off their shoes and made their way into your house. Two of the men dragged your curtains over the glass doors before they turned around with their back to the doors. Then they bowed and said something in a language you didn’t understand. 

You didn’t say anything back nor did you bow back. Why did they bow? That’s so weird. Where you suppose to bow back, or would they think you look like a desperate foreigner trying to fit into the group. You figured a smile would be the best thing to do. You tried to give them the friendliest smile you were able to pull off, to try to make a good first impression. You didn’t want them to think of you as rude.

When you turned around to face the rest of the strangers, one of the men was on his way up the stairs. The woman and the last man of the four were just standing in the middle of your living room. They had smiled as soon as you had turned toward them. They bowed to, but the woman not as low as the man. 

“Hello (y/n), it’s so good to see you in person instead of just talking over the phone. We apologize for rushing in so fast, we didn’t mean to frighten you.”

Yeah well too late for that Mrs.Kim. You shouldn’t have closed the curtains if you wanted me to relax. Now it just looks like you have a mafia boss on a visit with a plan to torture and kill you. You were almost afraid that one of your neighbors would call the cops on them. 

“Ah.. yeah.. umm...hi... I am (y/n), but you probably already know that. I mean you wouldn’t barge in here if you didn’t know who I was” 

Mrs.Kim laughs. She had a beautiful smile. Pearl white teeth and a little dimple, only on her left side though. Her eyes almost disappeared completely when she laughed, you could only see a little gap in her eyes where beautiful dark irises poked through. She had to be the most beautiful woman you had ever laid your eyes on. If you hadn’t just gotten your soulmate letter you would consider going lesbian for that masterpiece of a human being. 

“No, we certainly wouldn’t. We have all just been a little on edge since we left Korea. Seeing that all your curtains were left completely open for all your neighbors to see just made us a little nervous. It is our job to keep your privacy private from now on after all. And I can promise you that I take my job very seriously as you probably will notice in the next couple of days. I will do my absolute best to protect you (y/n).”

She bowed again, this time a little lower than the first. Then she walked a little closer to you.

“Ah.. so, me and my team haven’t introduced our self’s properly jet. I can start with myself. As you already know I am Mrs.Kim. I have worked for BigHit for almost six years now. I started working as a secretary for a lot of the high profiled people in our company until I got switched over to the security department two years ago. My job for the last two years has been to plan for the arrival of the soulmates of our idols. Now I have been given the position as head of security for you (y/n). I truly look forward to working with you.” 

She shakes my hand and smiles again. Then she turned to look at all the men around your house.

“And some of these men are going to be your personal security guards. Not all of them though, we just brought a little extra to ensure that everything runs smoothly for your journey to Seoul. The next couple of weeks is really going to determine who is gonna stay with you permanently. We will see who you get the most comfortable with and them pic two out of that. We also made sure that all of the security personnel assigned to you are capable of speaking English fluently so that we don’t get any problems related to communication.” 

Wait... If they are all fluent in English, why the hell did they speak another language to you just a couple of minutes ago then? 

“We have Junseo, Seurong, Yucheon, and Hyun. All of them have worked with the company for more than five years. Junseo is actually one of Jimins guards. He has worked with bts since the beginning. Jimin trust him more than any other guard working for us, so he specifically asked for him to join us on our travel to make sure that you were taken extra good care of.”

 They had all smiled when Mrs.Kim said their name and said cute little Hello’s and hi’s in return. Junseo’s ears and cheeks got all red when Mrs.Kim had talked so well about him. You could already tell that he was too pure for this world, how is this blushing mess a security guard? You just couldn’t wrap your head around that. You just wanted to give him a hug and tell him how adorable he is. He probably wouldn’t appreciate that though. He is a grown man after all. You did hope that you two could become friends in the future though. Maybe you could take him out for ice cream someday. He seems like a guy that would like stuff like that.

Mrs. Kim said a couple of words in what you assumed was Korean before all of them except Junseo went outside again. She sounded so French when she talked English, but looked and talked Korean. You were confused. Maybe you were just absolutely horrible at telling apart accents.You were all just standing there so you asked them both to take a seat on your couch to get a more comfortable atmosphere. They happily obliged, you took a seat in the beanbag tucked in the corner of the room. It was silent for what felt like five seconds before Mrs.Kim opened her mouth again. 

“I actually really need you to take a look at these documents with me (y/n). The CEOs of BigHit have required me to present this to you before our travel tomorrow. It is documents regarding your future in the company. Unfortunately, you don’t really have a choice of being a part of the company or not. Not only because of Jimin’s contract with BigHit but also his line of work. But they have tried to make it as fair as possible for you with this contact.” 

The previous big smile that decorated Mrs.Kim’s face had become smaller as she kept talking. You had already tried to prepare for worst-case scenarios, so keeping calm wasn’t as hard as you had first thought. It made sense to. Everybody knows that if you get matched with a famous person that you are basically bound to both them and their work for the rest of your life. You felt bad for the ones that had found at who they were only to have it all be ripped away to become a personal healing bag for their famous soulmate. 

You were also kind of happy though. Everyone in your life seems to know exactly who they are. What work they wanna do, their personality, what their style is, and what their dreams and goals are. You honestly didn’t know anything about yourself. You still haven’t found out who you are or what you want to do with your life. That was a good thing now though. Because if you don’t have anything to lose then people can’t take anything from you. 

But why did they ask for Mrs.Kim to show me the contract now? Why couldn’t we just do that after arriving in Korea? 

“He has requested you to show them to me now? Why can’t it wait until we have arrived in Seoul?” 

Mrs.Kim nodded before looking down at the stack of paper in her hands. 

“Well, even though they know that you wouldn’t run off to another entertainment company and ask for a job. They just need to make sure. Have it in black on white you know. It also is to make you more relaxed. In the contact that they wish for you to sign is a promise from them as a company. They want you to know that they are going to protect both you and your loved ones from the media and the fans. It is also a promise from them that they are going to give you work if you wish to and pay you even if you decide not to. For them, the most important thing is to know that regardless of where Jimin is or what he is doing, that you are going to be right beside him. They know that an idol can’t work without his or her soulmate after the bond as started. They need you to be around so that Jimin can keep working.”

“And in return, I give them what? All of what you just said sounds too good to be true.” You said. Your voice confused.

“In return” she continues. “In return, you give us your absolute loyalty. It really isn’t anything more than that. This isn’t a contact meant to screw you over (y/n). We know how bad it can all end if an idol doesn’t have their soulmate around twenty-four seven” 

Junseo had made his way to your kitchen, probably to give the two of you some privacy to discuss this. It had to be a little uncomfortable just sitting there and watching this conversation progress. You saw him looking at the pictures hanging on your refrigerator. You had filled the whole surface of the refrigerator with photos from back home, and your trips to different parts of the world. The voice of Mrs.Kim brought you back to the conversation.

“You see (y/n), it has been a few thousand cases in South Korea with Idols not having their soulmates around them enough. And everybody knows how wrong things can go with too little physical contact. Both idol and their soulmate would get very sick and in the worst cases die. The things that are different between other companies and ours is that we are willing to use a lot of money, time, and resources on our idol’s soulmate. Because we care and we know that it is what we must do to keep our idols healthy and happy. We have seen how much we can get back from it too. Let’s say that you are happy spending time with us in this company. That can result in you being willing to show up for events and interviews. It can make you want to work with us too, maybe within music or dance, or maybe things like doing modeling jobs. It can also mean that you may be willing to do social media stuff, it is a huge market in that now. But you are never going to want to have anything to do with us if we don’t treat you like family”

 She raised her shoulders a little, sitting more back on the couch. “However way you twist and turn around on this (y/n), you are good for the company. When this goes out into the public in just a few hours, things are going to blow up. Everyone is going to be talking about it. This is something that not only Jimin, his family, band members, and us in the company have been waiting for, but also the fans. It must be close to a gazillion hours of videos of Jimin on the Internet. A lot of those videos are him talking about you. His soulmate that he so desperately wants to find. The fans are going to be so excited for him when the news is out. So the PR is going to be amazing for the company.”

“That’s why BigHit doesn’t want much from you. The only thing that contract is requiring from you is that you don’t work for anyone else. That whatever work you want to do is going to be under BigHit, and that BigHit has the rights on whatever public works you do. It isn’t bad right?”

You nodded your head trying to digest the information. It didn’t sound bad at all. You had read so many horror stories about famous people’s soulmate being abused or taken advanced off by their soulmates company. It didn’t sound like the company that your soulmate works for did things that way. You should be happy and grateful for that you thought.

“Okay, I will sign it.” 

The next morning was the most chaotic morning you had ever experienced. 

Well not for you really. You had just been sitting at the floor with Mrs.Kim for the last hour drinking coffee and watching the moving people packing away all your stuff. But it was tiring to watch. And a little bit uncomfortable to not be helping. You had asked but all the men would just give you a smile and then bow before continuing on.You had taken that as a thank you, but no thank you. 

Everything was gone in under two hours. You didn’t have a lot of stuff, but they packed everything so neatly. It was almost painful to watch them fold every clothing item you owned perfectly before packing it away. You thought your closet was quite organized but not enough for them apparently. 

Mrs.Kim has told you that they were not Korean but Japanese. And also, that the same moving company had helped them every time the group that Jimin was a part of, had moved. They were supposedly the best of the best.

It was really quite in the streets, mostly because the clock only was eight in the morning. Most of the tourists are still asleep. So the moving crew had been able to pack everything up and leave without anyone noticing.Mrs. Kim told you that it would be best to pack up everything when there are fewer people around. The fewer the people the less attention.

The news of you and Jimin had dropped yesterday. And even though Mrs.Kim wouldn’t tell you anything, you could tell that it has become big news. She had talked on the phone for hours with someone you assumed was working for the company as well. She had talked in a low and stressful voice and even though you didn’t understand a word Korean, you knew that that conversation was something she didn’t want you to understand.

So she hasn’t told you anything though. You had tried to ask her about it but she would only answer that it was nothing for me to worry about and that it is being handled. 

You did worry though, but she didn’t give you much time to. Because as soon as the moving truck had left you were lead out to the cars as well. You would be leaving in two different cars. You, Mrs.Kim, and Junseo were leaving in one car while Seurong, Yucheon, and Hyun would leave in another. 

You and Mrs.Kim have taken the back seats as Junseo would drive. The car was filled to the brim with tension. As both you and Mrs.Kim refuse to make any eye contact. You could tell she was nervous, and it made you uneasy as well. The only comfort you got was from Junseo through the rear-view mirror as he would give you small smiles and winks whenever you would catch his gaze. 

The last days had gone by so fast. You were just happy that you had gotten the time to give everyone that was important to you on that island a goodbye in person before you left. Even though you wished you had more time with everyone you knew that if you had asked for more you would have given Mrs.Kim a heart attack. And you weren’t that keen on having to explain to the company that you had killed one of their employees. You don’t think they would be so nice to you anymore if you had.

When you were getting close to the airport you noticed Mrs.Kim straighten up. She looked more alert as she eyed the people around the airport. Then after we stopped right outside the terminal one door she let out a breath and started to look more relaxed again. She turned to Junseo and told him something in Korean with a smile. 

What suddenly made them so happy?

The door on your side suddenly opened, making you flinch before turning around to face a smirking Yucheon. You blush a little as he started to giggle of your reaction. 

“You can come out now, me and Junseo will take you to the first-class lounge so you can eat something before our plane leaves” 

Oh, so he does talk English, just with an adorable accent. 

“I am really hungry too, so you don’t have to worry about eating alone” He gave you a reassuring smile. It reached his eyes and gave him cute eye wrinkles. 

You smiled back before making a mental note of Yucheon being a potential candidate for being your future lunch buddy when your soulmate decided to ditch you.

 “Ah. Thank you, I would hate to eat alone. That’s really depressing” 

He giggled a little more before making more space for you to crawl out of the car. Junseo jumped out of the car only a second after you. Then the three of you made your way into the busy airport. Mrs.Kim hadn’t followed you and neither had Hyun. You didn’t want to ask about it, it was okay for you to not know the reason behind everything. You knew it would only make you more anxious. And you didn’t want to loos your cool when you had made it this far.

The first-class lounge was mostly empty except the few people that worked in the buffet and an old couple sitting in the corner. Yucheon had informed you that the plane didn’t leave before twelve o’clock, so the three of you had almost two hours to eat our way through the buffet.

You had gotten to know both of them a little better at that time. Yucheon was twenty-eight years old and loved food, animals, tv-dramas, and long walks by a famous river that was in Seoul. Junseo was thirty years old and loved to read, travel, play video games, and go to the gym. You liked both of them a lot and found yourself wondering if it would be possible to steal Junseo from Jimin. 

You had asked them both if they would like to join you for ice cream and a walk along the river that Yucheon talked about, both of them said they would love to but that we would have to wait until the news of you and Jimin had died down. 

Yucheon had been shocked when you confessed to not really knowing anything about Jimin. He had been even more shocked when you told him that you haven’t even searched his name on google jet. He, of course, had thought that you were at least a little curious about him. And you are, but you are also really afraid to freak yourself out before you had even met the guy. 

Naturally Yucheon and Junseo we’re both eager to tell you everything they knew, even though you interested on that they don’t. 

“You know” started Junseo.

“He really has been putting a lot of effort to make everything perfect before you come. Not just after he got the letter, but for as long as I have worked for BigHit” 

He stopped eating and laid down his fork before he leaned more back into the couch. 

“He talked about you daily, even before knowing your name. He would always say stuff like ‘I can’t wait to show her this’ or is bet she would love to see this’. It was always about you. Everything he does he does for you. I remember having to wake him up one time. He had fallen asleep in the car on the way to rehearsal. He was crying in his sleep, and when I woke him up he said ‘why does TISO use so much time to find her?’ And ‘I have paid them so much to make it go faster because I need her now. Why can’t they just find her now? I need her now.”

He picked up his fork again and took a big bite of the pasta dish he was eating.

“You know, he really is a good guy. But he has a big heart that breaks easily. So be nice to him, please. He really is trying his best. So don’t be mad at him for not knowing enough English to express himself or communicating with you properly. Just tell him it’s okay, and that you will learn together. Because I can’t handle to see him heartbroken, especially after longing for you for such a long time” 

Junseo seemed to really love Jimin. He wouldn’t have told me this if he didn’t. 

You just nodded and told him you that he didn’t have to worry. Your first language wasn’t English ether so you know that learning a new language could be hard. You wouldn’t judge someone because of it. 

By that time Mrs.Kim had called them and informed us that we could board the plane soon. You had made your way through the terminal and before you even knew you were sitting in first class on a plane ready to leave for the other side of the world.

You had never flown for more than six hours, so you were starting to feel more and more thankful for the first class tickets the longer you were in the air.

You didn’t think you would have survived in the air for so long if you had to sit in the economy.

They had served food three times throughout the flight. All of the food served were multiple courses and were served with wine. When you were not eating you enjoyed the movie collection on board. Mrs.Kim had been on a Skype call with a man you didn’t know, for a couple of hours of the flight before falling asleep. The rest of the guys seemed to be sleeping for most of the flight too. Maybe it would have been smart of you to sleep too, but you were way to nervous about landing in Seoul to fall asleep.

The thought of the cameras that would be waiting to catch a glimpse of you at the airport was all you were capable of thinking about. You were thinking about how your life would be from now on, all the media and pressure didn’t match your ideal lifestyle. You were starting to question TISO’s discovery on you and Jimin as soulmates. Maybe they did a mistake or only matched you and Jimin together because they got paid a lot by him or his company and didn’t find his soulmate fast enough.

It didn’t seem right to you.

You've dreamed of having at least five or six more years alone before being matched with a guy living a quiet and boring life. You liked quiet and boring. It made you feel safe. Your mental health wasn’t stable enough to live the life Jimin was living. You prefer to not be the center of attention and would much rather be in the corner of the room than being the one that dances in the middle.

Your thoughts were stopped by the pilot's announcement over the speakers.

“ Ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our descent into Seoul. Please turn off all portable electronic devices and make sure all your belongings are secured. Also, make sure your seat back is straight up and your seatbelt is fastened. The flight attendants will make one more round to pick up any unwanted items left. Thank you”

You looked over to Mrs.Kim. She was already looking at you. A lazy smile decorated her face. She looked so cute when she was sleepy, you wonder who was blessed with waking up to her every day.

“Are you ready (y/n)?”

You nodded. You kinda just had to be ready, because there was no way they pilots would just fly a couple of extra rounds just so you could have a little more time, now was it?

“There is no need to be nervous. I have already talked to some of our staff on the ground. They have everything under control.”

You already know that they would. The only problem is that they actually need to keep things under control. That only means it’s people waiting for you on the ground.

“(Y/n)”

You nodded and tried to give a small smile as reassurance. She didn’t need to know how much you were dying on the inside right now.

“I need you to remember to stay close to Junseo when we land. Your baggage is going to be delivered directly to the car. All you need to do is to keep your head low and your focus on Junseo. You are going to be wearing a mask and a hoodie so that the paparazzi can’t get a clear shot of you”

You almost jumped from your seat when the plain suddenly hit the ground, only the seatbelt prevented you from it.

You had missed your favorite part of any flight. To watch out the window on the city that you were gonna stay in. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be the last time you were gonna land in Seoul, so you would just have to pay more attention next time.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we in emirates welcomes you to Seoul. The local time is six in the morning and the temperature is currently eighteen degrees Celsius. For your safety and for those around you, please remain seated until the ‘fasten seat belt’ sign is turned off. Thank you”

The next minutes passed almost too quickly. All of you were all packed up and on your way out of the plane in what felt like only a minute.

Mrs.Kim had given you a big pink hoodie with ‘BTS’ written on the front and a black mask. Junseo was walking in front and had his arm stretched out for you. You quickly accepted and gripped his hand hard. You swear you had seen Junseo flinch from the power of your tight hold on him.

You had walked through security control and passport control completely alone. Big Hit had to have something to do with the luxury treatment you thought.

They hadn’t asked many questions after receiving your passport and confirmation from TISO on your soulmate. They had stamped your passport and told you something in Korean before giving you a smile followed by a bow.

And then you were on your way towards a door to what you assumed was the main terminal of the airport. But nobody from your travel group told you anything. Junseo only offered his hand to you again as Mrs.Kim dragged the hood of the hoodie over your head and made sure the mask was sitting right.

“Keep your head down and don’t freeze. We have to move fast (y/n).”

“I understand” was the only thing you could think of saying. You just had to trust these people that you had only known for three days to keep you safe.

No problem.

As you got closer to the metal door you started to hear the noise from the other side. As soon as Yucheon opened the door the people on the other side exploded in screams.

You had loosened your hold on Junseo hand and tried to take a step back. But he had only fastened his hold on you and given you a thigh squeeze. Mrs.Kim placed her hand on your back before shoving you out the door.

The flashlights were blinding. You tried your hardest to keep your focus on Junseo’s moving feet and on Mrs.Kim’s hand that had made its way around your waist.

You lifted your gaze slightly. But not enough to look over Junseo’s big shoulders. You did, however, get a glimpse of the barricade that was blocking you from them. It hanged a lot of signs on it. Papers in all of the rainbow's colors with colorful writing on them.

“Welcome to Korea (y/n),” one said.

“Army supports you,” another one said.

Why the hell would the Korean army support me?

“Please tell Jimin to eat at” the rest was written in Korean. You assumed it was a restaurant or cafe.

You almost tripped when Junseo slowed down. A big revolving door was the reason for his now slower pace. But as soon as you had made your way through, you were quickly shown into a black van.

You felt as though you were finally able to breathe properly again.

Outside the airport young girls and boys were gathered. You could hear them even though the car doors were closed.

They were singing.

There was already a person ready in the driver's seat. Mrs. Kim had taken the front seat and Junseo had walked around the car to sit at your left side in the back.

You had no idea where Seurong, Yucheon, or Hyun was. But you could imagine them being in some of the surrounding vehicles.

The driver that you didn't know the name of, told Mrs. Kim something with a smile before starting to drive. The singing from the people outside the airport soon disappeared. You were left with only the motor of the car as noise. You pay close attention to everything passing by. This was the city you were most likely going to live in for all of the remaining years of your life. So you tried your best to remember buildings that looked exiting or places that you would like to later explore.

It was exciting, you couldn't lie. Seoul was truly a stunning city. It was extraordinary to see such a beautiful contrast between the old and the new buildings. You could almost feel the culture in the air as you got deeper and deeper into the city.

An extremely tall building caught your eye.

”What is that?” you asked. Everybody else that was in the car flinched. You had tried not to make your voice loud, but the car was just too quiet. Any noise that would occur would certainly scare anyone.

”what? Where?” Junseo was leaning over you to watch out your side of the car. His eyes frantically searching for whatever had caught your attention.

”that!” you tried to point your index finger as precisely a possible. Letting your finger push hard against the glass window and closing your left eye. Junseo tried to follow your finger to what it was pointing towards.

”ahh, that is lotte tower, I can take you there sometime. They have a nice bar in one of the top floors with an amazing view of Seoul” He had started at the building as he was talking to you. Your finger only left the window after he was done explaining about the tower.

The drive through the city went slow. The traffic wasn't bad, but it felt like they had a stoplight at every corner in the whole city center. But it could also be because of the awkward tension between everyone in the car. They all know that when you arrive, they are going to be the witnesses to you and Jimins first meeting.

No pressure right?

You were really nervous though. And it was uncomfortable to think about people watching your first meeting with Jimin. You found yourself wondering if that's how it's always gonna be with Jimin. He was famous after all. You had just hoped that you would have this moment for yourself.

You were starting to see that you were arriving on the rich side of town. Every building, flower, bench, and even the crosswalk looked expensive. You didn't belong here.

You suddenly stopped at a security gate. A huge fence blocking the car from continuing on driving. One of the two men guarding the gate came up to the driver's window. The other man was walking around the car and looking at me and Junseo. Mrs. Kim has just leaned over the driver to hand some papers to the security guard, not really seeming nervous about the men. They had talked only a couple of sentences each before Mrs.Kim turned around to look at me.

”This is as far as we are allowed to take you today, (y/n). These kind men will walk you up this hill to Jimins apartment. You can just walk straight in, the door is unlocked.”

You weren't ready. But then again you probably never would.

”okay, thanks guys. For the drive and all that.” you said looking down at your hands that we're lying comfortably on your lap.

”hey.” Junseo took your left hand and squeezed tightly. Then he gave you a piece of paper with his name and number on it.

”you know we are all just a phone call away if you need us. But I doubt you will. I know Jimin is gonna keep you busy. He has basically planned for this for his whole life. You are going to be eating good food, see beautiful places, have lots of fun, and meet everyone important to him. I promise you are gonna have the best time of your life, I am honestly a little afraid you might forget me after a few weeks with him.

You laughed. Tears were forming in the corner of your eyes. You couldn't tell if it was from nerves, happiness, or sadness. It almost felt like a mix of them all.

”thank you. I really appreciate you Junseo. Don't be mad though, when I start calling you about ice cream and that walk we talked about. I can be a bit annoying if things don't happen fast enough for me.”

You could see Mrs. Kim smile in the corner of your eyes.

«I like annoying.” was all Junseo said before you stepped out of the car. Only carrying your hand luggage, you had no idea when the rest would arrive.

The tall building he lived in was intimidating. It seems to reach beyond the clouds. Not the best place for one with a fear of heights, especially when he lives on the top two floors. You though the guard that followed you to the building was joking with you when he gave you a keycard to the elevator and told you to press floor number fifty-two.

The guard had let out a laugh at your reaction but did little to help you other than giving you a kind smile and a point with his index finger to the elevator.

He obviously didn't speak a word English, but you still found him cute with all his hand gestures and his broken English.

”Okay, okay, I am going don't worry. You can go down to your friend again. I just need a minute to try to calm myself before going into that death trap.”

He only let out another laugh but didn't move an inch.

Great.

You give the poor guy a smile before turning around and going into the elevator, pressing the fifty-second floor, and scanning your new keycard. You turned with your back to the door and faced the mirror that was covered the whole wall. Your make-up is completely ruined by your long journey and you find yourself regretting not using the time from the airport to jimins house to try to look at least a little more presentable.

You had decided to wear a navy blue jumpsuit. It was pretty and you slightly prayed that it would be enough to distract him from your face.

”hello.”

You haven't even noticed the elevator door opening, but as you lifted your gaze you saw his eyes on you through the mirror. He was standing in the hallway without shoes on.

He looked like an angel. Wearing all white and many accessories. The clothes he was wearing was baggy but made with a thin fabric, so thin that you could see the outline of the tattoo on his ribcage. His rings we're all gold-colored with different colored gemstones. His outfit was planned but relaxed.

Dark but gentle eyes started intensely on you. They held the stars. He had tears threatening to fall in the corners on both eyes, but you only saw it becomes the light hit his face perfectly, making his eyes shine.

He was biting the corner of his lip, as he was slightly swaying back and forth, shifting between one foot and the other.

Then you realized.

He was just as nervous as you.

”hi.”

[samtheflamingomain]

thanks, it's the mania

I'm pretty sure I'm hypomanic right now. I'm bipolar; most people know the 2 extremes of those poles, severe depression and abject psychosis. Mania is below psychosis, hypomania is like Mania Lite, then there's "mixed states" where you have symptoms of both depression and mania at the same time. Anyway.

I like to make birthday/xmas presents for the very few close people in my life. I'm talking painstaking realistic portraits of a dog from the background of a friend's FB profile because she hasn't posted any other pics of her.

My best friend in the world, Connor, who lives in Toronto (2h away) and I see maybe 3-4 times a year, was coming home for labour day.

I've had some shit going on that meant I had delayed the main present I was making for him until this week, thinking labour day was next weekend.

Then, Thursday night, I realized I was wrong, and Connor would be here at noon Sunday. I had to make a decision: bite the bullet and forget about the gift, or bite the bigger bullet and spend the next 72 hours putting in insane amounts of work for a project that might not even come out very good.

I decided I really wanted this to get made, and for him to see it before I don't see him again till Christmas.

Sorry for waiting so long for the reveal. It's a card game. Hope it was worth the build-up.

I've made games before - card, board and video. I'm good at it, and it's a very satisfying result to play a game with a friend that you personally made.

So when all my roommates played a game called Gloom last week, I knew I loved the concept but hated the execution. I could do it better, and change it up enough to make it an entirely new game. It's called Casting Call. It's pretty hard to explain but I'll try.

Basically your job is to "write" a reality show. You're dealt 5 "cast members" and use "drama cards" to construct their stories throughout the show. Play the "lost an ally" card on Jane for minus strategy and luck points. But the thing is that in order to play that card, you need to tell the story of how she lost that ally, and if any other cards/stories have been played on her, it all has to flow together.

Anyway, I've never undertaken such a huge project with so little time, and I had to work 5 hours today. I knew as soon as I sat down to crunch this fucker out by Sunday that I needed to Optimize The Machinery.

I wrote macros and shortcuts for programs to make writing, printing, cutting and sealing 85 cards across 5 categories as seamless as possible. I started at 9pm Thursday, and buy 9pm Friday with 4 hours of sleep, I was so close to being done.

I had neglected a lot of tasks so I took 3 hours to do that, relax a bit, and then suddenly remember I'm missing 15 cards. So I worked from 12pm to 3am to make those. I finally went to sleep at 4am Friday with nothing left to do except the packaging/box and to write out the rules. I could do that in a few hours after work.

Well, I overslept, barely made it to work on time and had some chores to do when I got home. When I started working, I was already exhausted, but I knew I wouldn't be likely to get much if any sleep again that night.

Then Connor said that the trains weren't running that day and he'd come visit next weekend instead and I almost collapsed from relief.

I know it sounds completely insane to do what I did. For a fuckin card game.

But it's really, really good, and I loved every minute of making it, and I know it would've been worth it to see Connor laugh at the funny cards and appreciate the subtle inside jokes we have.

It's not like he could take the game home and play it with anyone else but me and maybe our friend Casey if we explained some of the references. But I've made him another game, and whenever he visits he always brings it to play with me.

I don't own many board games myself, because they're expensive and I don't have a lot of friends, and the friends I do have to play board games with "just don't get" Cards Against Humanity. We play mostly Catan-like games and Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit which is over in 5 minutes because every one of us knows every single answer.

But Connor loves every game I've made him play. He was so resistant to Trivial Pursuit for years until he played it, loved it, and proceeded to kick my ass at it for the past decade.

I was relieved to hear he was postponing his trip, but honestly, I would've stayed up all night tonight to finish it, and it would've been worth it.

Not sure why I wanted to write about this; it's just not really something I can tell people. When my coworker asked why I was so tired today I couldn't exactly tell her this essay of a reason, and saying "I worked 20 hours straight on making a card game that only one other person on the planet would enjoy playing with me". I said I didn't sleep well.

I get to have a normal night's sleep tonight and do some other shit tomorrow, but then I'll be back to finishing it up. Looking forward to that dopamine hitting when I open the box to my new game.

Stay Greater.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #428

“there’s more money in tragedy, more net worth in self-pity  /  so you’re doubling down inside of your screen, hiding behind attention you seek”

Have you ever told someone, besides family, that you love them and meant it? Yeah. I've told friends that platonically, and I've said it to two people and romantically meant it. Are the blankets that are on your bed now made by someone you know in life? No. Have you seen all The Lord of the Rings movies? I haven't even seen one. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had in 2014? I had one. Can you walk in heels? I mean I can, but I don't like to. What does your mom say about the pictures on your Myspace? First the '14 question, now this... I don't think Mom ever had a Myspace, but I can answer for Facebook. She's always the person to "heart" react them and say something about how "beautiful" I am or something. ;x; What was the last thing you and your parents argued about? Idr. Do you feel your life is at its best? Fuck no. There better be better times than this. What do you worry about the most? The most? That's hard to say... but probably my career future. Or really just the future in general. Have you ever let someone be your everything? "Everything" still feels like an understatement. He was my source of happiness, a massive part of my own identity, and my promise for a better future. It was so, so unhealthy. Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in their arms? Two times, I wanna say? What are some things you do when you’re mad? I get snappy and try to isolate myself to cry it out. How do you feel about your hair right now? I hate itttt. It's getting too long and just boring. I'm hoping I can get up with my hairdresser soon for a trim. What’s an interesting fact about you that not many people know? Uhhhh... I guess that I was a dancer for many years. I feel like I don't really fit the general "aesthetic" of dancers, so people have definitely been surprised to find out I was one. Do you do anything embarrassing when no one is home? No. Just because no one ELSE is there, I'd embarrass my damn self lol. If you had the chance to move to a completely different state/county, would you? Fuck yes I would. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? It's funny, because that's what the traumatized, overly-attached part of me wants (at the bare minimum), but my common sense knows that's dumb as fuck. I could never healthily be friends with him. Are you scared of fireworks? No, but others are terrified by them, so keep that in mind. Does anyone know every little detail about you? No. You woke up one day and discovered that you were only able to see in black and white… as well as one other colour. What colour would that be and why? I guess red? It sounds morbid for it to be the first thing my mind goes to, but that way, I'd be able to see blood and therefore be able to detect a symptom of danger. What is your favourite soundtrack for a film/video game/television show? (Though feel free to name as many!) Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus have fucking LEGENDARY soundtracks. What is your favourite Pokémon? Ninetales! I also really love Espeon and Umbreon, too. And Charmander. And Pikachu. And Skitty. And... well, too many, ha ha. What is something your best friend of the opposite sex does that you can’t stand? He calls me "kid" a lot. Is the last book you read a really well-known book? It's not world-famous or anything, but it seems relatively known by teens/young adults. At least, I follow a lot of artists who make fanart for it. Do you have anything besides just songs downloaded on your iPod? No. When at the beach, do you spend more time on the beach or in the ocean? In the water. I hate the beach itself. Do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? Why do you despise them? No. Have you ever babysat before? Did you enjoy this job? Yes, and no, not at all. Have you ever busted a window before? Why did you bust it? No. Do you still get scared watching old horror movies? You watch them alone? Horror movies pretty much never scare me, never mind old cheesy ones. I don't mind watching them alone. Do knives scare you? Is it from watching scary movies? I'm terrified of big knives, and it has nothing to do with movies. It's a fear that started after Mom stopped me from a suicide attempt where I was going to slit my throat with one. They just radiate danger for me. Have you ever tried to sing opera? Did it work out for you or no? No. What was the last piece of furniture you purchased? I've never bought any furniture, and I don't recall the last thing Mom bought. Have you ever broken up with someone for a reason other than lack of feelings (ex. moving away, etc.)? Yeah; we split because we were essentially two shaky towers leaning against one another. We have to learn to straighten ourselves up independently before that relationship even becomes a "maybe" again. Has anyone ever told you that you are too picky when it comes to the people you date? What about not picky enough? Neither. Was there anything unusual or unique about your birth? Nothing really, besides being born in an icestorm. My birth itself was totally normal, as far as I know. Mom considers it pretty extraordinary though because according to her, I took one look at her and smiled so big. Says a lot about our relationship now. What was the best conversation you’ve had recently? *shrug* What is the next book you are going to read? The book that comes next in the series I'm reading. Who was the last person to do something nice for you? My mom does nice things for me every day, like making dinner, letting me live under her roof... a lot of stuff. Is there any artwork in the room you’re in? Yeah, some of my stuff. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Someone asks you what you want; what do you say? Happiness. Direction. What was the last thing you complained about? Just being incredibly sore. The gym's kicking my ass, but it needs to, so I'm fine with it. How do you feel when you hear other people complaining? It depends on how frequently and about what. It can become overwhelming sometimes, especially if it's over something truly trivial. Has your name been in someone’s Facebook status lately? No. Do you own any Sims games? Which ones? I have the original animals one, as well as the African animals one (which I surprisingly like less). What was your first job? I was a sales associate at GameStop. Do people praise you for your looks? Yeah, definitely not. Do you like your eyes? No. I wish they were bluer and wider. Tell me what your back pack looks like: My last one was a galaxy texture. What celebrity do you think is hot? HMMMMMMMMMMMM I DON'T KNOW????????????? NEVER SEEN ONE IN MY LIFE O: O: O: Last movie you saw in theatre: The The Lion King remake. Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you? No. What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you? I'd rather not dig through the memories to find what I'd consider the "cutest." What was the last thing you heated up in your microwave? A chicken pesto bowl for lunch. Did you ever watch Phil of the Future? Occasionally, but I was never big on it. Do you have an online game that you play often? I play World of Warcraft pretty much daily. Do you prefer regular or electric toothbrushes? Electric. What was the last thing to piss you off? Truly piss me off, I'm not sure. When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? Months ago in my room. I want to take a new one to update my Facebook profile pic, because I think I'm ready to return there. Who was the last person to pay you a compliment or praise? The first day at the gym, Mom told me she was extremely proud of me, and it meant a lot. I truly think I can stick to this, and it's a fucking phenomenal feeling. What’s one thought you have regarding the subject of love? It can be the most beautiful thing in the world, yet simultaneously has the capability to be one of the most painful. Do you think that it’s possible to fall in love at a young age like eleven or twelve? Who am I to say, honestly. I lean towards no because at the age of puberty, you're really all over the place with your hormones and emotions, and I just don't know if it's possible for two pre-teens to have the maturity level to grasp what it truly means to be in love with someone. But again, what do I really know? Everyone is different. Are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy? Yeah sure, if it's something I'm in the mood to engage in and I'm in love with the person. What’s an interesting fact about the state in which you were born? We're the home of Pepsi products. I know, of course I would share a fact about soda, ha ha. What’s one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? Where I am now as far as "adult development" goes. I don't drive. I don't have a job. I still live with my mother. I could go on and on... By this point, I definitely expected something much, much different when I was younger. What was the last event to cause you any sort of heartache? Hm. I don't know. What was the worst phase you’ve ever gone through? *shrug* What excuse did you use most often to skip school? There were times I'd pretend to have a really bad cough. I could fake a nasty cough, man. Are you shy about singing in front of people? Very. Honestly, do you put your elbows on the dinner table? Yes, because why the fuck would that matter. I don't get how something so simple and harmless is "bad manners." Have you ever taken a picture in a public bathroom? No. Yes or no: corsets? I. FUCKING. LOVE. CORSETS. UGH I wish I could pull one off, omfg. In your opinion, is money the root of all evil? All evil? No. There are some horrible crimes people can commit that have nothing to do with money. Do you own a pair of overalls? Ew, no. I hate overalls. What is the best game to play while in the car? Uh, idk. Has a movie ever made you jump in fear? I'm sure at some point. Jumpscares are hard to be unfazed by; it's just a natural reaction to something sudden. Yes or no: pickles? Bro I LOVE pickles. Yes or no: strawberry ice cream? Ugh, no. Do you know what your mom’s favorite movie is? No, actually. Are you a role model to anybody? No fucking way I am. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? Somewhere around six or seven pounds. Look outside the nearest window. What can you see? From where I'm at, I can just see the shed. What are you interested in that most people would be surprised to know? Cutesy, pastel stuff, probably. How many bathrooms are in your house? Two. Do you prefer stripes or polka dots? Polka dots. Are you considered a very sensitive person? Very. Have you ever told someone you never wanted to speak to them again? Yes. What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside? It's hot as fuck outside. You will NOT see me outside today. What does your last text message say and who is it from? It's just a thumbs up emoji from the woman who works at my psychiatrist's office. She schedules my phone appointments with him. Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them? No. Why did you leave your last job? It was WAY too fast-paced with lots of responsibilities that I just couldn't handle. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? No, that's awful. What’s your favorite scent of air freshener? Probably something floral and subtle. Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? Ugh. I pick my fingernails off badly, so they're a mess rn. I also DISDAIN my feet because they are horribly callused from when I used to walk like crazy. It's so weird how I can exfoliate the area and scrub (... and sometimes tear) them off, but they're pretty much immediately back. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play? A couple years ago with Girt and Sara, I think. We played Scrabble. How old were you when you first became sexually active? Do you mean like, doing anything sexual? In which case that would be 16. I woulda been 16 or 17 when I actually lost my virginity, though. Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce? A load of people. Does anyone not know somebody? Have you ever done a juice cleanse? No. Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in? No. That's a foreign concept here. It's one of the very alien things I experienced in Chicago; I don't really think I knew it was a thing (save for massive attractions, like Disney Word and stuff) before then. Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you? No. We live in a cul-de-sac, and our road is further into it, away from the main road.

[lavalampelfchild]

Lava’s Art Masterpost

Hey, all!  Welcome to my art masterpost!  I have no idea if this is a thing that is done typically for art, but oh well, I like organizing things, so here we are!  What you’ll find here is mostly Dragon Age, with a few non-DA pieces in there, and there’s a range of styles I like to use, depending on my mood.  But a lot of what you’ll see will most likely combine lineart with some other form of coloring/shading.

Feel free to browse at your leisure, and I hope anyone who stumbles upon this enjoys what they find! :D And thank you to anyone who sees this and likes, or reblogs, or even just stops by to peruse a bit!  

All that said, away we go!

Digital Portraits:

1. Portrait of Nameless Woman, 2020 - This one is just an experiment with a watercolor brush that I did.  It’s not anatomically perfect, but I enjoyed playing around with shading.

2. Sketch of Aja Amell, 2020 - This one is basically sketch practice with my Amell~  Not really the most expressive pictures, but it’s a start toward drawing her more expressively.  Full disclosure: Aja is one of those OCs of mine that I have had trouble with deciding on a definitive appearance for several pictures, and I really want to work on upping my level of consistency when drawing her.

3. Long-Haired Fenris, 2020 - Exactly what it sounds like; this was for practice drawing Fenris’s features (I love how distinct they are), but with long hair because I am weak for it.  This one was a fun piece to shade, and mixing the stylized lineart that I normally use with a greyscale shading spectrum was really enjoyable.

4. Portrait of Ilorin Lavellan, 2016 - This is an oldie.  Basically practicing expressions, and it is technically a WIP, but I’m still very happy with how the shading turned out, especially because this is actually (aside from the unfinished hair) one of the more minimal pieces I’ve done in terms of lineart  It’s still there, and it still shapes the flow of the picture in some ways, but it also ends up flowing with the shading instead of standing out next to it, which I like.  (Both styles are good, though, and I love seeing other artists try both too.)

5. Old Portrait of Aja Amell, 2016 - Much older picture I did of Aja; she... honestly looks very little like the newer one, I think, and that consistency is something I’m still working on, but this one was the first picture of Aja with that particular hairstyle I drew.  What I like about this picture is how young she looks; it fits with her image as a fresh and sheltered Circle mage who’s only about 20 years old at the time of DAO.

6. Old Portrait of Trilyn, 2016 - They very first piece of art I posted to tumblr~ It’s not exactly how I envision Trilyn anymore, but it was still very fun to draw, and helped me get a feel for drawing him in the future. 

Dynamic Movement Pictures/”Moment’s in Time”:

1. Tabris in Arl’s Estate, 2020 - TW: blood.  I am super proud of this one.  My ultimate goal is to draw all of my Warden DAO OCs, and I could not believe I’ve never drawn my Tabris, and so here she is.  This was, in large part, practicing expressions because I absolutely love art that depicts characters in motion, or capturing some kind of expression.

2. Velyn in the Rain, 2017 - This one was actually based on some art that I saw in a Teen Wolf fic!  It was an experiment with a more expressive style (and one of the first pieces I did without lineart left in the finished version) and it was a huge step out of my comfort zone.  But overall, I am extremely happy with how it turned out.

3. Jem Nocking an Arrow, 2016 - And here is the lineart version.  This was entirely an excuse to draw my DAI baby, Jem, and to do a cool archer pose because archers are my fav, and I love characters in motion.

4. Solas Teaching Trilyn Fade Magic, 2016 - This one was a painterly picture that was also (like the Velyn picture) something which I tried to keep lineart out of.  Overall, I am proud of a lot of parts of the pic, but I think I would definitely go back over it and change a few things now if I had the patience.

5. Trilyn Closeup WIP, 2016 - TW: injury, blood, mention of abuse in the author’s note.  A lot of early pictures I have are of my OC, Trilyn, and this is one of my absolute favorites.  His entire upper body is technically in the picture, but I hadn’t finished rendering it yet, so this was what I posted.  And it was an experiment with a cross-hatching style with the pencil tool for some texture, with air brush shading and a blurring tool.  It’s a style I had fun playing around with!

6. Trilyn Blood Ritual, 2016 - TW: blood, injury (the slight cut used to supply the ritual with blood).  This one was definitely a sort of “captured moment” from a backstory I gave Trilyn, and I think what I was really going for was an atmospheric piece that could fit with any potential fic I wanted to write for Trilyn.  And then it ended up being practice for extreme lighting/shading techniques, and drawing the blood and the gross mass of demon ichor (or whatever the heck that is) turned out to be highlights of making the piece for me.

Art + Text:

1. Freedom and Control, 2020 - TW: scars, but very difficult to see.  This one was ambitious for me!  It started originally just as Solas and my Tal-Vashoth OC, Saara, facing each other, because I love the dynamic I’ve built for them in my head, but then it turned into an attempt at a tarot-esque background, and just sorta grew from there... Overall, I’m happy with how it turned out, especially with how Solas and Saara themselves turned out.  The version you can actually see a larger view is here.  

2. Marianna and Delia Codex and Art, Pt. 1, 2020 - I love writing my own codex entries, first off, and I love combining art with text to create a (hopefully) seamless work.  This work was an attempt to flesh out these OCs of mine with both art (because unique facial structures are hard for me to get down, but so important regardless) and text (because writing~).  I think it turned out well overall, but there are elements of the portraits that I might at some point touch up a bit.

3. Marianna and Delia Codex and Art, Pt. 2, 2020 - Part 2, with what I refer to as a “DAI Outfit Change” because I have always loved seeing fans show their own OCs as they look in DAO, DA2, and then finally DAI.  So I absolutely wanted to jump on that bandwagon myself.  The skin tones are a little off (and I’m sorry about that!) because I was playing with the watercolor brush at that point, and it dilutes the colors I use.  Still working to figure that out, but I was very happy with the overall lineart and structures of the faces.

4. Alistair/Aja Amell Picture with a Blurb, 2017 - Ooooold, old, old, old, OLD!  I still love the art, and I’m soooo happy with how the interaction between Alistair and Aja turned out (drawing kisses is extremely difficult for me; I always end up creating a distorted weird lip-creature, instead of realistically puckered lips...).  I’m not as happy with the blurb that went with it?  At that point, I was still very much figuring out my own DAO worldstate, and the characterization for everyone, so, eh.  Take it with a grain of salt!

Unfinished Costume Designs:

1. Ancient Elvhen Armor with Dwarven Influence, 2018 - People who do costume design work are amazing and mystical beings, and I wish I could do what they do.  This was an attempt at merging the Keeper robes from DAI with a more dwarven armor aesthetic, solely because I created an ancient elvhen character, Ceda, who was taken in by the Cad’halash dwarves mentioned in the Witch Hunt dlc, and I wanted this character to have a mix of the elven style of armor and the dwarven style.  I’m overall decently happy with it, but there’s still that persistent level of self-criticism present.

2. Herald of Andraste Outfit WIP, 2016 - This was a very old picture, not one I showed around a lot, but the idea for this was entirely born of my intense interest in how fashion and outfit designs could be used to create a symbolic image for the Herald of Andraste.  In general, I love the combination of ceremonial armor with long and flowing cloth, so that was what I went for here.  I’m still actually very proud of how this came out, and headcanon something similar for my Herald in my canon DAI worldstate.

Pencil Sketches:

1. Quick Saara Sketch, 2019 - TW: saarebas mouth scars.  Exactly what it says; very quick sketch of Saara I did in a small notebook I carry around with me.  This was basically a test for myself to see if I could manage to draw Saara with the features and facial structure I envisioned for her without needing to use a lot of references.

2. Mass Effect Character Sketch; Jesse, 2018 - Similar reason for drawing this one as the above Saara sketch!  With these characters, I love sometimes the way they can turn out with the specific character creator used for them, and when I draw them, I enjoy trying to create a definitive look for them using what I get from the CC, and my own knowledge of Hooman Faces.

3. Saara Sketch, 2017 - TW: saarebas mouth scars.  A more detailed sketch of Saara than the one above, and one I definitely put more time into overall.  It’s currently the profile picture I’m using for ao3, and is the definitive go-to reference picture I use whenever imagining Saara in a fic, or for other Saara pics I make.  I am extremely proud of this picture, and feel like I should work in graphite more often.  It’s such fun, and the texture is so nice to look at.

4. Sketch of Nameless Alamarri Woman, 2017 - This was a sketch I did of what I envisioned some Alamarri tribes to look like; I used artistic depictions of Gaul tribes and hairstyles for inspiration, and have used this as a go-to reference for my version of Alamarri tribes.  Nothing super notable about this one, but I really liked the way the shape of her face turned out.

Events and Gifts:

1. Another Scar, 2020 - TW: blood, injuries, gore.  The most recent piece of art on the list, and a gift for @cartadwarfwithaheartofgold; featuring sisterly love between Rica and fem!Brosca, which was her requested prompt.  This was a tough piece for me because of the difficulty with the lighting I dealt with.  For some reason, that one particular element of it gave me so much trouble.  Overall, I’m very happy with how it turned out, though, especially the skin tones of the sisters; Brosca I always sort of like as having this greyish, more gaunt look to her, while Rica I like seeing with a darker, richer, and warmer tone to her.  

2. A Very Cousland Christmas!, 2019 - This was for a holiday exchange for a server, and I drew a friend’s Cousland (Elissa, the girl on the left) with my Cousland (Gazza, the girl on the right).  I love kid-fic, and I love kid-art, and so I decided... baby Cousland art!  Drawing kid proportions was the toughest part, I recall, and I thiiiink it turned out well, and I’m still quite proud of it overall.  Elissa’s design came entirely from my friend, but I added the holly~

3. Exchange Gift with Dis Brosca and Mabari, 2018 - This was an exchange gift for @fanfoolishness, using her lovely Dis Brosca, and was my first real attempt at backgrounds... I struggled with the coherence of the foreground and background a bit, but I’m still very proud of how it turned out, especially with the colors I had to work with.  What I also really enjoyed working with was the lighting and the expression on Dis’s face.  Backlit subjects are always fun to play around with!

4. Inktober Picture, “Deep”, 2017 - TW: scars, injury, mentions of abuse in the author’s note/attached dialogue snippets.  This was for an Inktober prompt (the only one I’ve ever done, sadly... because I am bad with deadlines...), and again features Trilyn.  Trilyn’s backstory has him a former slave in Tevinter, and a lot of the early works I do for him are sort of deep-dives into his life there.  It’s all meant to be an exploration of the things he endures, and then those moments when he overcomes it all and takes back his own autonomy and self.  This art is definitely provocative, and I can understand if not everyone likes it, but to me, I just wanted to show just what he faces (without glorifying it) before showing the moment of his own triumph.

5. Christmas Holiday Picture with my Brosca and a Friend’s Amell, 2017 - This was a piece of art drawn first by a friend of mine, @nanahuatli~  She drew the Amell, the background, the mistletoe, etc.  All I did was add my Brosca to the mix to finish the image.  It was a lot of fun to do, 1) because it was fun trying to match her style so that the picture looked cohesive, 2) because I love doing collabs with friends, and 3) because it was just such a fun thing to imagine my surly short Brosca, looking at this weird plant/fungus/thing dangling over some puckering human!  It was an absolute joy to do this collab with her!  

6. OC Kiss Week Pic of Jem and Saara, 2017 - TW: saarebas mouth scars.  A spur-of-the-moment thing meant to demonstrate just what kind of dynamic my OC, Jem, has with my other OC, Saara (both of whom are members of Leliana’s network in DAI).  This was a very quick picture (deadlines...) and was mostly just to have fun drawing these two characters interacting, and to see if I could make them look like themselves.  I think I did a decent job with it overall, especially with Jem’s kissy-face!  (Again... drawing kisses are the bane of my existence, although hands and feet take a close second.)

[oblivionlotus]

get  to  know  the  mun!     repost,  don’t  reblog.

(PEN)NAME  :  Max

PRONOUNS  :  they / them / their

ZODIAC  SIGN  :  Pisces

TAKEN  OR  SINGLE  :  Taken

———  THREE  FACTS  ! ♡

I’m somewhat of a lucid dreamer & hate when people go "oh I wish I was one!". No, you don't. Nightmares still happen & if you're not quick enough to escape (I create doors in my dreams), you wake up feeling like whatever happened was real (seriously, I've woken up knowing I was asleep but my body believes it really was just injured horribly).

I'm also slightly psychic (runs in the family). I mostly sense spirits, especially aggressive ones cuz they target me cuz they know I feel them. I've had psychic attacks like this in the past, so I don't like going to places that are supposedly haunted. Sometimes I have prophetic dreams, but they're always tied to my family / friends. Example: I knew my cousin in England was admitted for an emergency surgery before my family received the call from her mother.

An even weirder fact about me: I have a couple of friends who hate throwing up, even when they need to (like if they're drunk or really sick & want to purge their guts for relief)... so they turn to me in such cases. Yep, I'm the friend that will carefully tickle the back of your throat with my fingers until you vomit & feel better. Then I make you tea & give you a blanket.

———  EXPERIENCE  !  ♡

I can't even remember when I started rping. All I do remember is I officially began on bebo. Then moved on to MSN messenger, FB, & eventually here. I was initially terrified of rping here. Back then, the reblogging of threads was more messy & less organised with notifications. You also had to insert urls from host sites in order to add icons (which weren't even a dirty thought back then, it was just bad pics), etc. It was basically very ugly & more complicated to rp... but when FB began shutting down all rp profiles with their new T&C, I had little choice. This site quickly became the mecca for rping & mostly everything was allowed at the time, so this place was popping. I adapted & fell in love with this site (I don't have as much love now though). I've always been a writer, since I was a kid. I have shit tons of notebooks of stories, lyrics, & poems from before I was allowed use a computer to write. Rp was just a natural progression for me I suppose. I've never actually written fanfic before though. I've never had an interest in that. But all in all, I've got about 11+ years of rping. I honestly believe the fact that since I was always encouraged to read, I've managed to hone my writing skill from a "theory" perspective as well as a "practical" one.

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE  !  ♡

The main preference I have is that writing males garners more interest & thus means more writing / character exploration. So even though I don't actually have a gender preference, I often write male muses just so I have more things to write with people. It's a sad fact of not just our community, but rp as a whole. The only other preference I have is villain or morally ambiguous muses, because I feel there's more to explore on a psychological scale with them.

———  FLUFF  /  ANGST  /  SMUT  !  ♡    

FLUFF  : I enjoy fluff as much as anyone. I'm a sucker for slow burn stuff to build up character relationships. Too much fluff though isn't something I want or do. Gotta have a balance.

ANGST  : Totally love it because angst can bring realistic touches to a thread or relationship. Not everything has to be angsty but I simply cannot write only fluff. Its unrealistic, it can get boring, it doesn't provide a challenge. Angst & ic drama is one of my favourite things to write.

SMUT  : It isn't very important to me. I'll do it if & when my character, myself & my writing partner are comfortable to do so, of course. Sometimes my character may get into a horny mood so I must find ways to appease them. But I don't go actively looking for smut. I don't thrive on it. I'm totally fine with avoiding it or just having a "blackout" to say our characters did the dirty. I'm one of those writers that feel some pressure whenever I do write smut, because I overthink what I'm writing & how I describe stuff.

PLOT  /  MEMES  : I'm fine with plotting & sometimes I really do need to hash out at least a vague plot. Sometimes it's more fun to just see where the thread goes. Here's a confession - sometimes I purposely ask new followers if they have any particular plot ideas just so I can get a glimpse of their interests. I've had bad experiences with people wanting to write just so they can pressure me into shipping / smut, or just "collect" my muse because of their faceclaim or whatever. So sometimes I feel its necessary for me to upfront ask about ideas so I feel more comfortable writing with someone new. Memes are brilliant fun. I love them because they're multipurpose. You can do character development with them, drabbles, threads, anything! If someone wants to write with me but doesn't know how to approach me, just send in a meme.

Tagged by: @autometanoia (ty sweetie!)

Tagging: not sure who's already done this do feel free to ignore @rosefromdeath @villainmade @dogxfiend @count-v-dracula @justacomedy & anyone else!

[tickle-her-senseless]

Important

Hey all. Just wanted to respond to questions from members of a couple of Discord servers run by the same person following a chaotic couple of days. I’m putting all the info and screenshots (minus names, pics and locations) here, so I can just direct people to this post if they have questions.

I had been intending to just head back here to Tumblr and let the situation lie, but unfortunately the reason given by the automated bot for my ban mentioned “crossing consent multiple times”. Today, friends have been sending me worried questions relating to this, so I’m concerned that the server owner may have made a similar claim in public. Now I pretty much have to say something as that’s such a serious thing to say about someone, particularly on any kind of kink scene.

The mention of consent actually relates to the server owner. Near the beginning of the lockdown, she and I were speaking a lot, she began to tease me in DMs, I responded with a piece of writing dedicated to her, we exchanged pictures - and eventually confessed a mutual attraction. We made plans for the end of lockdown, she talked about driving through Europe and showing me her favourite places. Although her English is perfect, I began learning her language through an app as I wanted to make the effort (Brits are renowned for being lazy with languages), and kept it up every day for months, amusing her with my clumsy pronunciation on calls. Sometimes she would send me explicit comments/thoughts, although I was always nervous to initiate that kind of thing.

One day she sent a message saying that she was still coming to terms with the end of her last relationship and would need to take things more slowly, as she was finding romantic sentiments (as opposed to kinky ones) hard to deal with. Naturally I replied “Of course, in that case I’ll wait for you to initiate that stuff once you’re ready”. At some point afterwards, she sent me a message out of the blue saying “I want cuddles ❤️” and I thought “oh, this is a level she’s OK with” and responded. I think it was the following day when I tried to pick up where we’d left off (without going any further, just cuddling in bed type stuff). She reciprocated and we continued. I also (in an attempt to consider her feelings) asked her if the idea of me posting an old session video on my blog for an American friend would upset her at all. Intending to reassure her about my intentions, I mentioned ”...not wanting to tickle anyone except you and saying no to all of the other UK people on the servers who are asking about post-lockdown sessions”. I also said “I do feel a commitment to you”, which (with hindsight) was probably a foolish or misleading word to use in a purely ler/lee sense.

A week later she sent a message I didn’t immediately understand along the lines of “I thought you were going to let me initiate romantic stuff, you don’t seem to have understood me at all”. I wasn’t sure what she was referring to - the recent story I’d written for her? Use of the word “commitment”? Something else? I tried to talk with her on the phone as some wires had clearly become crossed via text, but she refused for five weeks (citing not being in the right headspace), before finally calling when I sent a message explaining that anxiously waiting to mend the friendship in lockdown by myself for over a month was having a terrible effect on me mentally, and I was going to have to “throw in the towel”, wishing her luck and every happiness.

During our phone call, she claimed that the main issue had been the fluffy cuddle messages which she took to be a serious and repeated boundary/consent violation (citing her wish to avoid romantic talk). This was the last thing I expected and really shocked me. Of course I apologised frantically, repeatedly and profusely. I also said I hoped she could see how I’d made the mistake innocently and honestly when:

- she initiated it the first time, so I assumed it was something she was happy to talk about.

- when I picked up where we left off, she didn’t say “Actually, d’you mind if we don’t today?” and continued the cuddle talk instead.

She said that because she initiated it one day didn’t mean that she wanted to continue the day after - fair enough. The difficult thing to accept was the idea that she felt so violated by the attempt to carry on the next day that she found herself frozen to the point of not being able to say “actually I’m not in the mood just now” and carried on with it, and that I was at fault regardless. She even used the word “harassing” to describe it, which I found very harsh considering my inability to read minds over hundreds of miles. Especially when I couldn’t see or hear her to pick up on body language, tone of voice etc to guess that she was saying one thing but feeling a different way. She said, word for word, “It’s like when someone’s choking you and you can’t speak, you’re literally choking me!” As someone who, as a teenager, was once choked on the ground by my own father until I blacked out and lost bladder control, I did see that as a stretch at best, but chose not to challenge it as she was upset.

I also suggested that, looking back, we probably should’ve clarified exactly what was meant by “romantic stuff” when we almost certainly had different takes on it eg. I’ve cuddled after every 1:1 session I’ve ever had, even platonic ones, purely from the angle of aftercare and a sense of having shared an experience. I was told that despite our different ages and experiences of romantic love, there was only one objectively correct definition of “romantic” - hers.

We went around in circles for over four hours - I apologised over and over while explaining how I got the wrong idea and asking her to understand and forgive, while she tearfully called me a gaslighter, a consent violator, an excuse-maker, a harasser ... eventually I collapsed into tears myself (I’m ashamed to admit), totally worn down, and she softened a bit. She finally said she didn’t believe I’d done anything intentionally, and she still wanted to spend time together in the real world. We made up, spoke warmly as friends for an hour, and I left the call exhausted but relieved. After a few days’ reflection, though, I decided against ever travelling to meet her for real, as the experience had shaken me considerably - and I figured it’d be risky to meet someone in real life when I didn’t trust her completely not to accuse me over either nothing or an innocent misunderstanding. I was still wondering how to explain this to her when things got wild on the server.

A few days ago, a Tumblr user with a stated age of 18 contacted me to say nice things about my blog, which (I hope this doesn’t sound conceited) isn’t out of the ordinary. When she told me she was English and totally new to the scene, I suggested the Discord server as a place where she might make some friends (given the large UK membership) and sent her an invite link. The rest is set out in the mega screenshot saga below, which begins in the staff chat. I’m “SwiftX”, my real name is in teal, the server owner is in blue and her friend and co-moderator is in purple. All other names and locations are in black:

Before sending the last message, I actually typed out five different versions of a counter-argument before eventually deciding to step back. Being totally dismissed and lectured by two people about British labour laws and pub ID measures by two non-Brits nearly a decade my junior was irritating, yes, but the baseless suggestion that maybe I’d done something in private with the new member and was somehow “arguing against” ensuring she wasn’t a child because of that horrified me. As if I’d allow a child access to explicit content to cover my own discomfort - and anyway, I’d done no more than exchange greetings with the girl and point her towards the server, where she was actually verified and granted access to all channels by the guy in purple, not me! After a couple of hours’ contemplation, I politely asked to be removed from the moderator staff, but a disdainful response to my request prompted me to explain it, and why I was upset. Not all of what I said was necessary to say, but all of it was true:

She immediately muted me for 48 hours - “staff disrespect and degrading comments”. Not a problem, I had work to be getting on with. Late that evening, however, her friend arrived in my DMs:

Him: ...it’s creepy that a 32 year old man is potentially teasing a minor

Me: Well I can prove I haven’t teased her, her profile says she’s 18, and the person who exposed her to explicit content was you when you verified her - despite admitting to having had doubts about her age.

Him: ...I’ll drop that subject

Moderator of the year, ladies and gentlemen 🙄 Anyhoo, later that day I received a ban notification from both servers run by this owner, citing “crossing consent multiple times, guilting and being degrading along with causing several conflicts”. I was surprised to feel a flood of relief, but the consent mention really disturbed and worried me, as I’d been under the impression that the server owner had fully accepted that the earlier stuff had been an innocent misunderstanding. Later that day, good friends of mine began sending me worried DMs questioning my record and asking if I’d been inappropriate with a bunch of people, so I’m concerned that the staff may have said something that (deliberately or not) has encouraged speculation. This post is intended to be a landing page to which I can direct anyone concerned about my character so that they they can form their own opinions.

When my follower count began to take off, I became determined to avoid any kind of rift with another prominent member of the community. It’s so frustrating to watch an already niche subculture splinter into factions over needless disputes. This is why I’ve kept names etc. out of this post. If anyone suspects they might know who the server owner is, or actually knows who she is because they’re here from Discord, I would implore them not to out or target her in any way. There are two reasons:

- I don’t want to start a flaming war, I’m desperate to move on and begin improving my mental health after an awful couple of months ... I just need to protect my reputation first.

- I don’t actually think she wanted drama ... I think her genuine perception is that I’ve said something horrible to her. That’s more upsetting than the idea of her trying to smear me, to be honest. I suspect she feels like crap too, and I don’t want to add to her mental load. I honestly hope she’s OK.

Hopefully this will reassure my friends and anyone else questioning my character because of whatever’s been said in that server. I’d also hope that my history of positive interaction here, including being on great terms with everyone I’ve ever had a session with, supports what I’m saying further. It’s a shame this had to happen, but I’m trying to think positively about what lies ahead and trust in my real friends. I’d also like to thank the other members of the server staff who’ve privately sent me messages of support and sympathy having already seen the entire exchange.

[faimalogirl]

Testing the waters... or floating in it

Dating apps... not really my thing but with the past year being life altering in addition to a pandemic, i thought, why not? lol Seriously, that’s what my answer was to many people.

I have never been a fan of online dating, or swiping right OR left on people, or blind dates but many of my friends and some family members are concerned about my love life... or lack of. But because life has thrown me curve ball after curve ball, I decided that I am going to give it a shot.

I want to be clear, I am perfectly content with being single, and feel that when it happens it happens. But for some reason other people are not, as if them being in relationships makes me feel incomplete. Couldn’t be any more true. I feel like that person in the movie, who is loving their life or at least liking it, and everyone including the dying grandma keeps trying to match her with anyone of the opposite sex, and because it’s been a while they sometimes offer to hook her up with someone of the same sex. And not that I’m offended by it but I am completely strictly dickly lol. 

I have my reservations about dating apps because honestly, it’s weird. It’s scary. It’s risky due to Corona virus... and did I mention I have cancer? No? Well I do. 

I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer last October, and after completing my round with radiation, I am now getting ready to have a FULL HYSTERECTOMY to remove the remaining tumor. For some reason in my mind, I feel like part of my womanhood is being taken away, so while I still have it, I figured i’d “test the water.” 

Now, I know I don’t have to tell people that I have cancer but there are other things that worry me about dating. To put it kindly, people are freaking weirdos.

I have been on a few dates with different guys, and let me tell you how different things have gotten since my 20s. So for all my respectable and intelligent women/men out there wanting to try dating here are a few suggestions:

1. Doesn’t need to be said but apparently for me it does... MEET SOMEONE IN PUBLIC lol 

My first date with BOY1, he offered to take me on the lake, just him and I on his little motorboat. Now as romantic and “Notebook” worthy as this sounds, I was excited. I was ready. We’ve been texting back and forth for a little over a week. But the days following up to our date got me thinking... What if I don’t like him? What if he’s crazy? And I’ll be stuck on a boat with JUST HIM, in the middle of the lake, until it’s over. So please, meet in public and not in the middle of the lake.

2. Anyone who asks you to send “sexy pics” is just asking for a quick hit it and quit it. NOT that I did it. But I was alarmed by how many d*ck pics were sent to me without request, or want (If you are into that, more power to you but that’s not something I want to see) LOL 

I was texting back and forth with BOY2 who thought I’d be impressed by his “romance” through the phone. Kept asking me to send him photos every day. I didn’t mind, sending him a photo here and there of me going out, playing with my dog, or just random. I think I literally sent him three. But once the “sexy pics” requests got to be more, I told him I needed to at least know him and go on a couple of dates before any of that happened. And guess what, we went on a date, and for the most part it was fine. Then, when the insinuation that we were going to “hook up” back at his place didn’t happen for him, he became needy and kept asking “what went wrong?” or “are you mad at me?” or “why am I leading him on?” I told him I’m not that girl and he said okay. So, I ghosted him after he asked for another sexy pic, I sent him a gif of a hippo lol and left it at that.

3. Be okay with saying no. Whether it be to a date, a picture, an exchange of phone numbers or social media, it’s not your job to make someone happy when you are not comfortable. 

I didn’t realize it until it happened, but when BOY3 suggested that I come lay with him after one “hello” I quickly let him know I wasn’t that easy lol. He got defensive and was just like “I just think your beautiful and I just say what I want.” Of course he used a few colorful words to get his point across. And I told him he can take his words elsewhere. Although I feel like a prune lol I also feel like woman are made to feel like we need to coddle boys who don’t know how to talk to women with respect. I mean, could you at least say “Hey how are you?”  Now some people told me that’s just how people talk to each other, and I said, “well I guess I’ll be single forever.” And I don’t mind. I am not going to lower my standards, or compromise my comfort for someones lack of respect. If that’s how you want to talk, then find someone willing to put up with it. It ain’t this girl.

4. Never, and I mean NEVER stress about how you look for your profile picture. Don’t put too much stock into your filtered photos. Honestly, I put full body photos up, even though a lot of my friends said they would never do that. I put some pictures that had sc filters with the ears, or regular photos up. I put a little bit of me up.

I am a very confident woman who understands her flaws. With all my plus size happiness and glamour, I knew I was just having fun. Plus if he don’t like you sweetie, you don’t need to worry about him. Because you’ll never meet him lol. Now, with that said, sure I have my moments where I feel crappy. But I just feel if you aren’t happy with who you are, you won’t be secure in a relationship. And since I was just “testing the waters” I didn’t really care of which photos were there to be judged. Or so I thought...

BOY4 was kind and sweet. He was also a very handsome man who apparently loved big girls (his words not mine) he made me feel very comfortable. He’s 6′6, and we all know your girl is a sucker for a tall man. He was also fit in a sense that you could tell he worked out but not so much that he was ripped. I had my reservations about meeting him, because I thought I was being cat-fished lol until we exchanged numbers and sent snaps to each other before actually going on a date. We have gone on a few lunch and dinner dates here and there, still talk to each other, but I am slowly pulling away because of the last advice.

5. Know what you want and respect what others want. And always be honest about your intentions...

After talking back and forth with BOY4 and sharing things. You quickly get to know someone. Although I would never force myself or my views on someone, I expect the same respect. BOY4 started to share a little about what he wants for his future. You know, the whole finding someone to marry, travel with, and have kids...

I can’t have kids. Remember the whole living with cancer and getting ready to have a hysterectomy? For those of you who don’t know what that means, it just means, as a woman, my surgeon will be taking away my baby making machine. Now, I’ve accepted my future and I know that that’s not the only way to have a child. But I also know that these types of conversations are hard for some people to grasp. I would love to one day meet someone, get married, carry a child, but that’s just not the hand that was dealt to me. That’s also not something that I can hide from someone and trick them into understanding after they’ve developed feelings for me. So I was honest with everything... at least surface base. But we’ll see what happens from here on out...

Also, just to let you know, I’ve deleted the dating apps. It’s not for me. I know many people who’ve married people they’ve met on dating apps/sites but I just don’t think it’s something for me. Also, if I have another friend who keeps setting me up on blind dates, I am going to have to think of getting new friends lol

[darnellbebop]

Decided I’d write up the story of my experience with that catfish. Don’t know if anyone cares but it’s under the cut if you do:

So back in November a friend mentioned meeting someone on Facebook Dating. My first thought was “That’s kind of dumb” but then I figured since your profile for that is linked directly to your Facebook, I wouldn’t see as many spam profiles and I may have also took the possibility of catfish into mind. Not sure. But if I did, talk about ironic. Within the first couple days I matched a pretty girl and messaged her about Hogwarts houses since Harry Potter was on her profile.We hit it off pretty well and exchanged numbers and things seemed to be going well. She worked two jobs (Lush and PF Chang’s at a couple different malls in the area). She even mentioned that she’d seen me before at my job a couple months prior. A lot of very realistic shit. Nothing to be suspicious of.

Since she worked two jobs, she worked pretty much 7 days a week. We planned dates a couple times and she always ended up backing out for one reason or another. There were also a couple times we got into disagreements where she would refuse to talk to me for a day and basically have me beg for forgiveness when she decided to “give me another chance”. (That’s a toxic trait even in a real relationship; especially since she expected me to always talk to her even though she could decide “I’m not talking to you because I’m mad”). 

Anyway, about a month or so in, we still hadn’t met up and she asked about sexting so we gave that a go around Thanksgiving. This is when I first got suspicious. We had sexted one night and then the following morning and in the morning I was alarmed to notice that the video taken in the morning was in a different room than the stuff she had sent the previous night. They were both bedrooms. And they both neck down only so I immediately thought “These are not the same person” and said I wasn’t comfortable sexting anymore. This got her mad and she wouldn’t talk to me. During this time I tried digging up proof that the girl was real. Googled her name, her phone number, checked her Facebook and IG. Honestly I came across so much proof that I should have cut her out at this point but I didn’t:

All of her Instagram pics only have comments from guys. No comments from other girls. Kind of weird that none of her friends ever decided to go “Yes girl!!!” on any of her selfies. And on the couple where she was with a friend, she didn’t have them tagged. Additionally, the only photos she was tagged in were from an account belonging to her “brother”. Her Facebook was similar. I forget what brought this up, but I came across a guy’s name who lived in the same town she gave me at some point during all my research and thought “Maybe he’s the catfish” (He definitely is). 

Now there were things that felt like “Well why is this a thing if she’s not real?” too. The biggest one was that on Facebook I came across a guy, a real person (he actually interacts with numerous people in his posts and seemed as real as possible) who claimed he had been dating her at one point. An ex boyfriend felt like proof to me. And then the amount of effort that went into this fake girl also felt insane (Facebook and Instagram accounts that were a few years old and a PSN account). 

When she answered me again she chewed me out for not trusting her. Completely flipped the script on the fact that I found her out and instead made me out to be the bad guy and had me thinking I was just being paranoid for nothing. This is what really makes me mad about the whole situation. Instead of ghosting or apologizing and letting me move on with my life, this dude doubled down on his lie and sunk his claws in deeper.

Since the holidays were coming up, both of our jobs were getting busier so it was understandable that we weren’t able to meet up. I think part of me was still suspicious at this point. When I got her Christmas presents, I got her things that I would still enjoy for myself that I didn’t own just in case she wasn’t real (thank you subconscious me). I get suspicious occasionally when I notice something not quite right but don’t want to be accused of “not trusting her” if I bring it up and do question if I’m maybe being paranoid. Maybe there’s a reasonable explanation.

Fastforward a bit to late February and she sends me a video compilation of some plays she made in Overwatch. After I watch it, I decide to check out the rest of her channel because that’s just something I naturally do after I watch a friend’s video. In the “About” section, a guy’s Instagram is linked. What guy? The one I came across months ago. That was the smoking gun so to be speak. Now maybe it’s possible she’s friends with this guy and just has him upload them to her channel or they share a channel. No reason to jump to conclusions like a paranoid crazy person (See how manipulative this asshole was?). 

By this point, the combination of us having never met up or even FaceTimed had me thinking even if she is real, this is taking forever to get started and I decided I would pursue other girls in the mean time and if nothing happened by the end of the month with her, I’d cut her loose. Then COVID happened and quarantine bought her time since there was an actual excuse for her to not meet up. Thankfully though, she also slowly drifted away from me during quarantine. She texted less and less. One day she finally addressed it and was like “Sorry, for being distant” and I said it was okay and that the boring quarantine routine was probably to blame. Though at the same time I was a bit relieved cuz her disappearing would be fine since I know she’s not real. 

One thing that also stood out to me that I feel like I should have caught on to as a sign was that a lot of her reaction images and pics she’d send me were Black Twitter memes. This was a white girl with an uncomfortable level of Black reaction images. The guy however, is Black. So it makes sense. Then a bit into me watching her play Overwatch one day, she asks me to add her “brother’s account” cuz she’s gonna play on that one instead of her own. Interesting, right? Looking back at it, the “brother” profile on PSN looks very similar to the guy’s IG profile.

I haven’t attempted to talk to her in over a week. Sent a meme. Didn’t get a reply. Didn’t try again. I’m fine with that. Plus when I checked the dude’s Twitter, I found one of his Youtube video links and watched it and the person playing is whoever’s on the PSN account belonging to “her brother”. AKA it’s his and he was just some manipulative asshole piece of shit who can go fuck himself. He’s probably moved on to someone else. Or multiple someone elses. Who knows. I did notice that both profiles have been using “Share Play” for Overwatch without me so I take it, those are sessions with my replacement. 

So yeah. That sucked. I wasted way too long on a piece of shit catfish. I know I did but I also sort of felt like I didn’t have other options at the time. It wasn’t until I actively started looking that I realized, I have other options and don’t need to put up with a catfish or a girl that plays so many games. Also gonna trust my gut unless I’m given solid proof that it’s wrong cuz my gut was right.

[spikeisawesome456]

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Uh… None, actually. I use YouTube and iTunes mostly. I have YouTube premium family (means that for $15, I get six accounts that can have YouTube Premium) so I don’t have to worry about ads and all that. 

2. is your room messy or clean? Both? I only have a thin area of my room that can have movement, since it’s so small. The majority is taken up either of my bed or my dresser/end table/storage. So the room is full of stuff, but the main area is kept clean so I can move through it, ya know? 

3. what color are your eyes? Green/blue, but mostly green. I also have brown in the center of my eyes. I guess you could call it hazel? I don’t really know what hazel eyes mean, honestly. 

Here’s a close up I took a while ago. I’m looking at you!! Ha!

... I just realized I’ve not changed at all since I was a child. :-(

4. do you like your name? why? Yep! I like it. I have a long, more formal name (Katherine) but also a shorter, more informal nickname (Katie). I like this dynamic of my name. I also like how it sounds. Both of them. <3 

5. what is your relationship status? Single, but okay with that. I’m starting to think I’m aro, as I don’t… ahh, like people? Much? It’ complicated. 

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less Very, very, annoying. 

7. what color hair do you have? I think you could call it golden?? I usually call it dirty strawberry blonde. It’s a coppery color, but also blonde. Not quite strawberry, not quite dirty. A mix? 

This is a somewhat good example, but it is a bit more copper-toned than usual, due to the light next to my computer. The kids at work ask me sometimes if I dyed my hair, since it is almost completely orange on the badge my work printed for me, aha. But this shows the range of colors my hair goes through. 

8. what kind of car do you drive? color? Ha! What, you think I’m a functioning adult? I don’t know how to drive. 

9. where do you shop? Literally anywhere? I don’t care. I get my pants from Walmart, my shirts from wherever sells cute fandom shirts. 

10. how would you describe your style? Ha!!! I answered this one in an ask, but I determined I have no style. I just prefer comfort to fashion. 

11. favorite social media account Hm… I don’t tend to care much for social media accounts, personally at least. I just follow whatever is neat. I guess I like Game Grumps social media?? Eh. 

12. what size bed do you have? Twin. It’s pressed up against the wall and I just sleep pressed into the corner like I’m trying to merge and become one with the wall. One day, sweet wall……..

13. any siblings? Sadly, yes. _._ An older brother. He’s actually fine, but still siblings...

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? Probably…. Hm. I liked New Zealand when I visited, but I don’t know if it would be the best place for me to live, since it’s just so different to how I live now. Same with Ireland, though both would be amazing for me. I think… honestly, where I currently live, since it has good weather and is familiar to me. 

15. favorite snapchat filter? Don’t use snapchat! :-D 

16. favorite makeup brand(s) Hm… I used to only use Bare Minerals, but they don’t have great coverage, I’ve found. I’ve been using Clinique now, but I think they make me break out, which is bad. I don’t like makeup and I always feel it on my skin, or else it makes me break out after usage. I have very sensitive skin, ya feel me?

17. how many times a week do you shower? Never! I hate showers. I don’t like the feel of being blind when the water gets into my eyes.

I take a bath twice a day, though. Once in the morning and once at night, where I wash my hair. I know I’m not supposed to wash my hair so often, but it’s a habit at this point and it helps me sleep now.

18. favorite tv show? Buffy the Vampire Slayer, mostly since it was so important to me growing up. I still love it, though! I just don’t tend to have favorites, ya know? But Buffy will always mean the most to me. 

19. shoe size? I don’t… I don’t really know? Heels I’m a size 8, I think? But I wear size 9.5 for sneakers, since I like my shoes a bit big. I think??? I don’t really know. 

20. how tall are you? Ehhhhhhhh I say I’m 5’4, but who knows. I think I’m 5’3 and a half. I just round up. According to my doctor’s records I shrank and am 5’2, so who even knows anymore. Height is a made-up concept to control the short. ;-)

21. sandals or sneakers? Sneakers, god. I wore sandals once for a fancy event and I got sand and dirt on my feet immediately. It was sad. :-(

22. do you go to the gym? HA!

23. describe your dream date I don’t really know. As I said, possibly aro. Maybe…… Uh…. Somewhere quiet. Private. I’m not good in groups or crowds. OR! Maybe a theme park, the absolute opposite of what I said. OR a fair. I love fairs! Anything, really. I’m not picky. 

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? Oh! This one is a shock, because my dad just gave me a lot of money since I paid for dinner with my mom, since he was being an overly dramatic baby over me calling out his awful behavior and left us alone for dinner at Red Lobster, and he stubbornly paid me back. So I’ve got… let’s see… about $135, if you count the $30 I had in before. 

25. what color socks are you wearing? Ha! Jokes on you! I’m not WEARING ANY SOCKS!!!! AHA!!!!!!!

26. how many pillows do you sleep with? One. Too many makes me feel weird. 

27. do you have a job? what do you do? Well… I HAD  job, because Covid. I was an after-school teacher, where I looked after kids, kind of daycare style, ya know? I loved it, and I love kids. Currently I’m “teaching” some of the kids I used to look after STEAM over Zoom. Apparently, the girls- sisters- missed doing my STEAM experiments each week and asked their mom to contact me to do the experiments with them over Zoom. I use “teaching” in quotes, since I mostly just do science activities with them, step by step, without much teaching involved. I used to explain why what we did was science, but I don’t want to make the kids do more work when they have so much with Covid going on. Also, I’m lazy, ha. 

28. how many friends do you have? None! Seriously, but it’s okay. As I said earlier, I’m not the biggest fan of people so it’s kind of reliving to be on my own for the most part. I had been making a new friend before Covid, but we’ve not spoken much since. I did text her once and she seemed friendly still. Maybe we can meet up after this all is done with.

  29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? Uh… I don’t really know? I used to get into fights online, mostly just fighting for what I believed in, but I never really attacked anyone, or I didn’t mean to. I’ve not done many bad things?? Not to make myself out to be a goodie-two shoes, but I don’t like hurting people or being “bad,” so I tend to avoid things like that. I’ve probably done things others consider “bad,” but that don’t register to me, so I don’t really know. 

30. whats your favorite candle scent? Oh my god. I’m currently OBSESSED with this new candle from Bath and Body Works. It’s called Strawberry Pound Cake, but it smells like strawberry vanilla, and it’s AMAZING. I love it. I also have it in hand cream and hand sanitizer form and it’s THE BEST. It reminds me of those strawberry vanilla candy things from when I was a kid. 

31. 3 favorite boy names Daniel, William, and… uh… I’m not sure. Alex, maybe? I know I like Daniel and William though. 

32. 3 favorite girl names Emmaline, Clara, and… hmmm… Not sure, again. 

33. favorite actor? Hm. Not sure. I don’t do favorites much. I guess Misha Collins? If this were about YouTube people, I’d say Dan Avidan in a heartbeat. Though… technically he is an actor… he did an actual YouTube show, with a plot and acting, so he’s technically an actor. So, then, him. 

34. favorite actress? I’m even less sure about this one, honestly. I don’t pay attention to actors or actresses much, really. I know Misha since he does GISH, but otherwise I’m unsure about actors much. 

35. who is your celebrity crush? Oh, Dan Avidan, clearly. He’s amazing. My profile pic on Tumblr has been the same for 4 years because I can’t get over the fact I met him. I used to change my profile pic every so often, with my artwork, but now I’m never changing my profile pic. Ever. 

36. favorite movie?  Uh…. Probably Phantom of the Opera, 2004. I love that film. Again, not super into favorite things, but if I had to pick one it would be PotO. 

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? Well, I DO read a lot. Mostly it’s fanfiction though, aha. And again, favorites aren’t really my thing. I used to say Island of the Blue Dolphins, but I reread that book a few years ago and didn’t like it as much. Still liked it but was more eh about it and never finished my read through. Maybe Stargirl, by Jerry Spinelli. I’ve not read it since I was a child, but I recall it being really good. My favorite book I’ve read recently would probably have to be Rebecca, by Daphne du Maurier. I had a lot of problems with it, but ultimately, I loved that book. 

38. money or brains? Brains, obviously. They taste better. :-)

Though to be honest, I do say brains. Money is good, don’t get me wrong, but with brains the person can actually think about doing what is right or wrong. Money corrupts and without thought, there’s so way around it. 

39. do you have a nickname? what is it? Yep! Technically I only go by my nickname, since I go by Katie, but my full name is Katherine. 

40. how many times have you been to the hospital? Ooooh, personally? Once, when I broke my arm when I was 4, almost 5. Well, many times for that, but one time overall. I’ve been in the hospital often for my mom and dad, though. My mom is disabled and is a bit of a hypochondriac, so we sometimes have to take her to the hospital whenever she has pain, just to be safe. She did once have kidney stones, though, so it was needed. My dad had a panic attack once and thought it was a heart attack, so we were there for that. I also went to the hospital once when my grandma was dying, to say goodbye with my dad. It wasn’t sad, which says a lot about my and my dad’s relationship with my grandma. 

41. top 10 favorite songs HA! Can’t. Seriously, can’t. I love too many songs equally for this one.

  42. do you take any medications daily? Yeah. I used to take Seroquel nightly, but that just made me gain 40 pounds and didn’t help with mood much. It only helped me sleep and that was replaced by over the counter melatonin and Benadryl. So I gained 40 pounds for nothing and I’m struggling getting the weight off. Yay!!!!!!

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) Both, I think? 

44. what is your biggest fear? Death. 

45. how many kids do you want? I don’t know, one or two? I don’t know if I want to get married though, so… Single mom for the win? I also might want to adopt older kids, or foster them at least, give them a place to live. When I’m on my own and have a stable, good paying job of course. 

46. whats your go to hair style? Whatever my hair naturally does, honestly. I just brush it out and it does its own thing. I have thin, wavy hair, though, so it’s mostly fine. It parts in the middle, and I don’t have bangs. It refuses to grow passed my boob level, no matter how long it goes between haircuts, so it hangs there. It always grows back to boob level, but never passed. No idea why. 

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) Very presumptuous, question thing, to assume I live in a house. I live in an apartment, with my mom, dad, and older brother. It’s fairly big, with two bedrooms and a converted den for my bedroom, but it’s small for 4 of us. Less then 1500 square feet. I think 1200? 

48. who is your role model? Hm. This is gonna sound conceited, but myself. Or, the person I want to be. I have an idea of what I’d like to be in life, and that is what guides me. It’s not based off anyone I’ve met, but based on my own personal desires, a mis-mesh of ideals. The only person you can be is yourself. Trying to be like someone else will only hurt you. Even wanting to be like someone else can be hurtful. Not that I’m putting down anyone who has role models! But it just… never worked for me. Putting people on pedestals hurt me, so I just look forward to being the best version of me that I can be. 

49. what was the last compliment you received? Hm… I get a lot of compliments on my Facebook page, people saying I’m doing a good job with that. So that, probably. 50. what was the last text you sent? It was too my dad, who, as previously mentioned, was being a bit of a butt and was mad at me for calling him on his rude behavior to me and my mom. I texted “alright,” to him telling me to not buy him a takeout dinner. I didn’t listen though, and he ate it when we got home after sulking a bit. He’s better now, but he’s yet to apologize. He never does. -.- 51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? Uh… Wait, Santa isn’t… real…?!?!?!

Aha. JK. I don’t know. Maybe 8?? I don’t remember. I just know I believed when I was 6-ish, when Polar Express came out, since I asked for Santa bells for Christmas. I think I also believed the next year, but I don’t remember much. I learned the difference between Judaism and Catholicism around then, and eventually decided to be Jewish when I was 12-ish, but who knows, man. Who knows? 

52. what is your dream car? One that self-drives and doesn’t ever crash, so I don’t have to drive myself. 

53. opinion on smoking?

Bad! Bad, bad, bad!!! No smoking!

Truthfully, honestly. My mom gets really sick around smokers, especially around pot and vape smokers. It makes her have an allergic reaction. 54. do you go to college? Yeah baby! I just finished and will be getting my (probably useless) degree in the mail soon! Summa Cum Laude, baby! (Highest honors, if you don’t know what that means). Now I just got to get into grad school so I can do something with my Psych BA! Aha. Haha. Ahahaha. Ha… 55. what is your dream job? School psychologist! I want to help children, but don’t have the temperament to be a teacher. I’m too lenient and would let them walk all over me. I kind of do as an after-school teacher. The kids respect me, though, and like me well enough. I don’t think I could be the only person responsible for them, though. I get frazzled, which I learned while doing my STEAM activities and the kids would NOT listen, sometimes. I could do it, though, if the whole school psych thing doesn’t pan out. Or school counselor, would be my second choice. Something to do with kids, though. 56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Hm. I like city life, though I think I’d prefer suburbs. I live in a kind of suburb, though I live in a major city… We just don’t have skyscrapers near where I live, only downtown. We have over a million people in my city, and 3 million in the county. So, big. 57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Uhm yeah??? Why wouldn’t you? They’re free souvenirs! I went to a kid-themed hotel once, near Disneyland, for my parent’s anniversary, which had this neat bubblegum shampoo from their kid spa. I loved it so much I asked my dad to buy me a whole bottle of it as a body wash. It was… expensive, but I still have some left over, which I’ve kept for some reason. 58. do you have freckles? Some, yeah. Not many on my face, just some around my arms, scattered. I have a big one on my left palm, at the base of the meat of my thumb, if that makes sense. Otherwise they’re just scattered all around. 59. do you smile for pictures? Yep! Well… my version of smiling. I don’t ever smile with my teeth, since they’re small and my lips are so long, so it looks awkward when I smile with teeth. Instead I just smile with my lips. 60. how many pictures do you have on your phone? HA! I had to get myself a 164 GB phone to deal with the fact that I take lots of photos. Over 2,000, now. 61. have you ever peed in the woods? Ew? No? I hate the woods. Or, going into the woods. I like the idea of woods and I like being in them, guided, but staying in them? No. Scary. 62. do you still watch cartoons? Yep! I’m currently watching She-Ra! I like it! 63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? Oh, no contest. Wendy’s. I do like McDonalds’ chicken nuggets, but Wendy’s are just *chef kiss* mwah! 64. Favorite dipping sauce? Ranch, but I especially like Wendy’s ranch. It’s creamy and nice. 65. what do you wear to bed? Pretty much what I wear during the day. I used to literally just go to bed in my day clothes, before I started taking a bath each night, about 6 years ago. Now I wear yoga pants (ones without pockets, since I finally found ones with pockets for day use!!) and an old faded T-shirt. 66. have you ever won a spelling bee? HA! HAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t spell. I’ve liteally been spelling half my words wrong this entire time. Spell check is my best friend. Though! I did get to the finals of a class spelling bee once, since they gave me easy words (to me, at least) and my classmates harder ones. It was almost funny. 67. what are your hobbies? I like to draw, paint, write, do other crafty stuff… Things like that. I also read, fanfiction mostly. :-) 68. can you draw? Yep!! 

Behold! My digital drawings!

This was my most recent traditional drawing, using charcoal for the first time. It was for GISH. 

69. do you play an instrument? Nope! Ha, but I do wish I could, ya know? But I’m bad at doing different things with one hand vs. the other, which is why I can’t clap my hands and stomp my feet with alternating rhythm. I can only do one thing at once, ya know? 

70. what was the last concert you saw? Ohh, hm. This is a good question… Hm… I think… It was at my county fair last year? A country dude with my parents. Trace Atkins, my dad said. I’ve not had the chance to see many concerts recently, sadly. :-(

71. tea or coffee? I like coffee better on the whole, but I’ve begun to like fruit teas, like raspberry or strawberry. I also like this nice orange/cinnamon tea. 

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Dunkin Donuts, is this supposed to be hard? We don’t have many where I live, though. I like their iced coffee from stores, though.  

73. do you want to get married? Ehhhh…… I’ve talked about this before. I’m not sure, really. If I find someone I like who likes me, maybe. But I have a hard enough time making friends, so I doubt it. 

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial? N.O.

(Stands for no one. :-) ) 

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married? IF I get married, probably not. I like my last name. It’s unique. 

76. what color looks best on you? Hm. I don’t really know. Maybe red? I don’t have style so I don’t know. I like blue and purples, but who knows. 

77. do you miss anyone right now? Eh, not really. 

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed? Closed, but my “door” is a curtain, since I sleep in a converted den which has two open windows into the living room that are covered by curtains, and no door, which I also cover with a curtain on a shower rod. It was good when I was a sleepless teen, but now that I’m an adult trying to fix my sleep habits, it’s not so good, ya know. 

79. do you believe in ghosts? Not… really. Not much more to say about this. 

80. what is your biggest pet peeve? People being rude. Like… stop it. 

81. last person you called` Hm. Prolly my dad? Or my brother. I don’t like calling people. Phone anxiety, ya feel me? 

82. favorite ice cream flavor? Rainbow sherbet! Fun fact, when I was younger at camp, maybe 16 or 17, our camp counselor asked us this question and I replied with rainbow sherbet, saying it properly (sher-bet, not sher-bert) and my camp counselor went OFF, saying “Thank you!” for saying it properly. He was… something else. 

83. regular oreos or golden oreos? Oooh, I like those cinnamon bun Oreos. You know the kind? They’re the BEST. I can’t buy them often or else… well. I’ve already gained 40 pounds the last couple years. No need for more, aha.

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Rainbow. Pretty!! 

85. what shirt are you wearing? My “Scare to Care” shirt that I bought for charity a few years ago. It’s a charity that raises money for Camp Kesem, which helps children who have a relative undergoing cancer treatment have a nice, normal camp experience for free, I think. 

86. what is your phone background? My lock screen is the picture of me and Dan, the background is the drawing I did of the Guardians of the Galaxy years ago. 

87. are you outgoing or shy? Both! Aha. I’m friendly when talking to people, seemingly outgoing, but I don’t go up and talk to people. I fear I’m annoying them, ya know? And I’m awful in groups. I never know when to talk and when I do talk, I fear I’m annoying people. Actually… I always feel I’m annoying people. Aha. Ha… 

88. do you like it when people play with your hair? Yep! People don’t do it often, though. Kids will, but you have to be careful when they do that. Sticky hands are not the best to be in your hair…. 

89. do you like your neighbors? I guess? I’ve not spoken to my neighbors since my next-door neighbors of 5 years moved out 5 years ago. They had kids my age, but we never really spoke. They were… not the brightest, or kindest. They once took in a stray puppy and locked it in their hot garage. My older brother and I freed it and kept it in our hallway outside our apartment, since we have emergency doors that we could close to keep him in, while we played with him. I’m allergic to dogs, though, and we have guinea pigs, so we couldn’t bring him inside our apartment. Luckily their parents got home after an hour or so and brought the dog to the shelter. They also had a different dog who kept escaping and my brother and I had to keep an eye on it often. It once got into our apartment and it was, ah. Fun. She didn’t hurt our pigs, though, so it was a plus!

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? YES. Both morning and night. It has not helped my acne. 

91. have you ever been high? Nope! Not even when I got my wisdom teeth out. I was fine the minute I woke. I felt ripped off. I was a bit over tired, but no more than if I’d not slept the whole night. Maybe I’m just always in a perpetual “high” state??? 

92. have you ever been drunk? Nope! I have a high tolerance, so one or two drinks does absolutely nothing for me. And I’ve never tried more than a coupe drinks. I’m almost afraid to see myself drunk, ya know? I’m so energetic usually, but keep a lot of thoughts inside, so who knows what I’d be like. I don’t like being out of control and I honestly think I’d hate it.  

93. last thing you ate? Shrimp Scampi. From Red Lobster. ^-^

94. favorite lyrics right now Uh… Again, no real idea. I’m not good with favorite things. 

95. summer or winter? Hm. Summer, I guess? It’s not much different where I live, though we get more rain during winter. I prefer heat to cold generally, though. So summer in general. I also like summer aesthetics, you know?

96. day or night? Hm. Day, though I do love night time. I just usually am inside during the night. 

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? Milk! I hate all other kinds of chocolate. 

98. favorite month? Do people have favorite months?? February, I guess? Since I was born in February! And it’s a rebel. Only 28 days compared to the usual 30 or 31. And sometimes it has 29. Take that, months! 

99. what is your zodiac sign Aquarius. :-D 

100. who was the last person you cried in front of? Hm… that’s a… good question… I don’t like crying in front of people. Probably my mom or dad. I tend to head off on my own when I cry, though. I don’t like people seeing me sad, ya know?

Yay!! I’m done!! This took waaaayyyy too long. I’ve been doing this for probably over 2 hours. Hope y’all learned something. Prolly that I’m uninteresting, aha. ^-^ If you made it this far without skipping, I love you. <3 If you skipped… YOU’RE DEAD TO ME! 

Ha, just kidding. ^-^

OR AM I?!?! 

:-)

[hookedontaronfics]

First Contact series - Part 9

Title: First Contact - Part 9 Read the previous installments here: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 Rating: M Pairing: Taron x OC Warnings: Cursing, smut, and some mentions of violence [trigger warning] A/N: I don’t want to give away too much so you’ll just have to read it for yourself. Some sweet bits, some sexy bits and possibly a cliffhanger! So good luck, and enjoy! x

“Morning, love.”

Those two simple words held so much promise in them as I cracked my eyes open to see Taron’s sweet face smiling back at me. I yawned slightly and stretched out, checking in with my own body and realizing I wasn’t really all that sore from last night’s escapade. But oh, I still felt deliriously happy and deliciously satiated.

“S’good morning,” I mumbled back sleepily, getting an amused chuckle from Taron. I had proven very quickly during this vacation that I wasn’t a morning person. To be fair, neither was Taron.

“We should maybe get up and go enjoy our last day here, love,” he said cutely, nuzzling his face against my neck and kissing my skin there, his hand tracing a slow line over the strip of skin exposed at my waist, as my sleep shirt had ridden up a bit. Good God, this man was going to be the death of me, I thought, his touch igniting something deep inside.

“I think I’d be okay if you just wanted to stay in bed all day,” I laughed, a bit breathlessly.

“Much as I agree with that,” he said, finally rolling over and getting off the bed, “I really think we should try and see something else,” he smirked. I pouted slightly at him and he just laughed as he wandered off to the bathroom, and I couldn’t help but admire his bare torso. I eventually crawled out of bed and pulled on some clothes, grabbing my phone and flipping through my notifications, smiling over all the sweet comments that had been pouring in over the few pictures Taron and I had chosen to share on our social media profiles. It hadn’t been a secret exactly, but I think we were finally “out” as a couple to the world now. This trip had made it stunningly clear that Taron wanted me in his life.

“What’re you smiling on about?” he grinned as he returned, catching me probably looking a bit dreamy over that fact.

“Us,” I grinned. “Everyone’s been so kind about me.”

“Why would they not? You make me incredibly happy, and you’re stunningly gorgeous,” he said, leaning over and stealing a kiss before going to grab clothes himself.

“Well, Mr. Egerton, I did happen to take you off the market,” I smirked over at him, and he just snorted at that.

“What am I, a beef steak?” he laughed, shaking his head.

“A very handsome beef steak, yep!” I said brightly, unable to keep a straight face as we both lost our shit over that. I actually had to wipe tears out of my eyes at that one; maybe it wasn’t so funny to anyone else, but we were losing it.

“So anyway, what’s the game plan for today? Other than once again sweeping me off my feet?” I grinned.

“We should get breakfast, first of all,” he said.

“Right, always a foodie,” I giggled lightly.

“Then I think we should spend some of our day on Lokrum,” he grinned. “I’ve heard lovely things about the Botanical Garden there. We can just take our time together. I don’t want this day to go too fast.”

“Me either,” I agreed softly at that.

We grabbed a bite from the hotel’s breakfast and while we ate I decided to catch back up with Jules and Mary. We’d texted a few times briefly of course, but I had wanted to spend most of my time actually enjoying my trip and Taron. Still, I figured they probably deserved an update now.

<So loves, my last full day in Dubrovnik. I’m kinda sad to be seeing it end, it’s been the best trip of my life!> I sent in a group text.

<Julesy: Oh my god, about time you let us know you were still alive! We were beginning to worry!>

<Mareee!: Don’t mind her, we knew you were having fun as you should be!>

<It’s been amazing. The food, and the beaches here, and just, everything is so lush and historic and even the pace is slower so you can relax and it’s quite nice. But you’ve seen my pictures on IG! Come on now!>

<Mareee!: It looks SO nice, and you and Taron are very cute together. I’m glad you decided to post some pics of you together!>

<Yeah, we had to discuss it a bit, but … We decided it was time.>

<Julesy: Now the one thing Mary and I should know, though, is this: Are you returning as an Egerton virgin or no?>

<Oh. My. Freaking. God. ….. NOPE!> I couldn’t help giggling like an idiot over what I had sent and Taron raised an eyebrow at me, but I just shook my head. “Texting the girls, you know,” I smirked, and he only went ahhhh as if he understood. My friends’ responses chimed in quick succession.

<Julesy: That’s my girl!>

<Mareee!: What was it like, you have to tell us!!>

<Oh my gosh it was everything. It was truly everything. But I can’t say more right now, I’m sitting across from T at this moment and my face is probably beet red!>

<Mareee!: Ohhhh, well we’re very very happy for you!>

<Julesy: Yep, now we don’t have to worry about you so much.>

<Thanks, I think? I luv ya, I luv ya both. But must dash. Talk more later, we’re going to the island!>

I stashed my phone away and quickly finished my food before we were off to catch the ferry over to Lokrum. I was excited to just have a quiet easy day with Taron. The Botanical Gardens were every bit as gorgeous as they had been made to seem; we walked hand-in-hand under the cypress and olive and palm trees and took far too many pictures of the peacocks that roamed freely. It was surprisingly not busy, which was nice. There were honestly times we could have felt it was our own private island.

We happened upon a super pretty spot and chose to take a selfie together with the stunning background behind us. We managed (after some retakes. Taron needs some selfie lessons…) to take a really nice one where we both actually looked pretty (thank goodness) but then Taron decided to kiss me on the cheek and I had my eyes scrunched closed and that’s the photo he chose to post on Instagram with “This woman has my heart” as the caption.

“Oh gosh, T, this is a bit full on, isn’t?” I asked, turning to him after checking the post myself since he’d tagged me.

“Just the truth,” he said nonchalantly, like he didn’t realize how difficult this all was to process that he really felt that way about me.

“It’s not too soon and sudden to claim that? We’ve only known each other what, three months or something? A handful of encounters and a couple dates and then spending a month apart?” I asked, a bit skeptical.

“To claim what? That I love you? Because I do. That’s not a difficult thing to do, Jess,” he said sweetly, reaching over to caress my face gently. “Feelings don’t have to exist on a timeline. And maybe I’m quick to arrive at mine but I know what I have in front of me.”

I’m pretty sure my brain flatlined at that moment. The L-word, he’d actually said it, and I had no idea what I was supposed to say back. He was watching me expectantly, I think, but when I didn’t - couldn’t - figure out how to respond he sighed slightly. “It’s okay, I know what you’ve been through. You don’t have to say anything back. I just needed you to know how I felt,” he said,  tugging on my hand to keep us walking. 

I tried to ignore the mixture of disappointment and understanding on his face, but it dug at me as we walked in silence. Why was it so hard to just blurt it out myself? I thought. I wasn’t afraid of Taron, no. But moving into something closer, and more intimate, more vulnerable, I didn’t feel remotely ready for. There was a deeper responsibility for and reliance on emotion that I wasn’t sure I could handle giving to Taron just yet.

We ate at the little cafe on the island and found one of the beaches to sit at under some shade from the trees. I had nestled between Taron’s legs, leaning back against him and it was rather comfortable as he had his arms wrapped around me sweetly. We were just watching the waves break over the shoreline, whiling away the time and trying to ignore the fact that this trip would soon be over.

“This has just been … the best day I’ve ever had,” I sighed softly. “It’s felt rather magical to be away from everything else and to just be us here.”

“I would agree. I’ve loved every minute of this, but I think I’m quite ready to get back to the hotel and relax out of this hot sun for a bit.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I said, as we both scrambled to our feet, wiping sand off as much as possible. We took the ferry back across and another taxi to our hotel, and I realized this was truly my last evening here. It made me a little sad, the feeling that the reality of going back to work and London and normal life was going to change how things felt between us. I knew it was an irrational fear, but it was bothering me.

I’m not sure what Taron was up to at the moment but I decided to make sure some of my clothes that had gotten scattered about the room were packed back in my suitcase. I smoothed my fingers over the lacy lingerie and couldn’t help but smile as I remembered last night.

“Hey, T!” I called out.

“Mmm, yeah?” his voice asked from the bathroom. The door was open so I wandered in, leaning against the door frame. He was leaning over the jacuzzi tub we hadn’t even used and I couldn’t tell what he was doing.

“Are you hungry yet?” I asked him, folding my arms.

“Yeah, but not for food,” he smirked lightly, gesturing to the tub and raising his eyebrow at me with a question in his eyes.

I pointed at myself, and then Taron, and then the tub, and he just smirked at me and nodded.

“Come here, babe,” he said gruffly, holding his hand out to me. I smiled almost shyly at that and stepped over to him, letting him pull me into him. He kissed me slow and sensually at first, probably aware that I needed a little time to get worked up, but just being near him and the thought that he wanted more of me was doing a pretty good job of it. His fingers found their way under my shirt, grazing over my skin and making me moan softly against his lips. He broke our kiss only to continue trailing kisses along my jawline and then down to my neck, nipping the spot that made me moan the most with his teeth, before then stepping away from me completely to turn the water on, adjusting the temperature until he was satisfied with it and leaving me just panting for more.

Knowing he was up for trying different things was an exciting prospect. I pulled my own shirt off and dropped it to the ground, and when he turned back around I knew right where his gaze landed. “All for me?” he asked, not needing an answer as I took his hands and placed them over my breasts. And damn did he make quick work of me that way after peeling off my bra and tossing it god knows where. The way his touch could send shivers down my spine would never cease to amaze me. 

As the water ran we quickly rid ourselves of the rest of our clothes and we took a moment just to take each other in; standing around naked in front of people wasn’t exactly something I was comfortable doing, but under Taron’s gaze it didn’t seem to matter. There was no shame with him because he worshipped my body, scars and rolls and lumps and all. I hadn’t had a chance to really truly see him yet, either, and I tried to memorize every inch of his body and the way it took my breath away.

“You’re fucking beautiful, you know that?” he said softly, making me bite my lip shyly, my hair falling slightly across my face. “I wish you saw yourself through my eyes.”

“I could say the same to you,” I replied gently as he stepped closer to me and brushed my hair out of my face so carefully, so intimately, it made me want to cry. But then he kissed me, and I forgot about wanting to cry, and slowly Taron walked me backward to the tub. He slipped under the water easily enough, sighing contentedly as the warm water eased his muscles, but I perched on the edge for a moment, unsure.

“Coming in, love?” he asked, giving me half a smirk, nothing but hunger in his eyes.

“We can’t really use a condom in the water, not safely at least,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut for a second.

“You’re on the pill, no?” he asked, sitting up and placing a hand on my knee.

“Of course, but that’s not like, 100 percent, you know,” I stammered slightly.

“Hey, Jess, look at me,” he said seriously, so I cracked my eyes open. “Whatever the outcome, we’ll handle it together, okay? I’m sure we’ll be completely fine, it’s not like I’ve got tons of children running about, at least that I know of. But if you can’t trust the pill, I want you to at least trust me. Can you do that?” he asked, pleading with me. I took a shaky breath and nodded before letting myself slip into the water as well. He was right, the jets and the warmth of the water felt good after having walked around a lot of the day.

“I still want you,” I whispered. “I’m just stupidly anxious about it. Make me forget that,” I said, crawling over his lap and facing him.

“I can do that,” he growled slightly, running his fingers along my waist under the water. He pulled my face to his again, kissing me hungrily now, his need for me apparent. I let myself get lost to what he was doing to me; I didn’t understand how he seemed to already know so much about my body and what it was capable of feeling, but I couldn’t hold onto those thoughts. They scattered in the heat of the moment as I settled myself over him, joining our bodies, a groan rumbling through his chest that set me on edge immediately. I’d never had sex with someone bare and to know that, and to feel that, we were that much closer to each other set every nerve-ending in my body on fire. I was consumed by the lust I felt for this man, feeling a depth of pleasure I had never known could be mine.

We found a rhythm that worked for us, the water sloshing over the sides a bit as we drove each other higher and higher. I felt his fingers slip between my legs, helping me along and soon I was crashing around him, my orgasm rippling through me just before I could feel him spilling into me. I felt completely taken; I was his, and I didn’t know how I could belong to anyone else.

I didn’t even realize I was crying until Taron was trying to wipe the tears away, but his hands were wet too so it wasn’t helping that much. “Shhh, it’s okay, I promise,” he spoke, seeming to understand my emotions more than I did as he just held me to him, my chest pressed against his, our bodies still connected, the jets gently pummeling our skin. I laid my head against his shoulder, hiding my face against his neck as his fingers slowly danced across my back, soothing me a bit. I wanted to be ashamed but couldn’t be; Taron seemed used to sharing this level of intimacy but he also seemed to understand that I just wasn’t.

“I’m so sorry, I promise I won’t always be a mess like this,” I said once I had managed to calm down.

“I’m not the one to apologize to, love,” he said gently. “It’s okay to feel things and to feel them deeply. I think I can handle that, yeah?” he grinned. “I rather enjoy making you feel this much.”

“You’re such a saint, T,” I laughed. “Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“Well then I suppose you should consider yourself very, very lucky indeed,” he sighed happily. “But you have no idea what you do for me too.”

“I feel like I haven’t done anything. It’s always been you doing things for me,” I said softly.

“I don’t want to hear you say such things about yourself. You’re amazing, and you make me happy, and that’s always enough for me. I don’t need things, I don’t need someone to take care of me. I just want someone who’s face lights up when they see me, who genuinely enjoys talking to me, who makes me laugh at every turn, who wants to go on adventures with me, and who is willing despite her hardships to trust me. And that’s you,” he replied.

“You are too good to me,” I sighed, his words striking something deep and vulnerable in my heart and reverberating there.

“I hardly think I’m even remotely good enough for you, but you seem to want to be with me,” he replied, making my eyes bulge a little. Taron, not good enough? He had to be kidding. “I just don’t think you’ve ever been treated well or how you deserve to be. I know I can’t fix that, but I’m going to try and make a difference, if you’ll let me.”

“Anything for you, Taron,” I smiled at him. “Now should we get out of this water before we get all pruney?” I grinned, stealing a sweet kiss that made my chest ache. I could probably kiss him all day and still never get enough.

“Dinner sounds like a perfect way to end this day, now that you’ve helped me work up my appetite,” he smirked at me lightly.

“You’re so naughty,” I laughed, finally managing to disentangle myself from him and wrapping a fluffy towel around myself after climbing out of the tub. We quickly got ourselves ready for dinner, choosing to have our last meal at the conventionally named but absolutely romantic Dubrovnik Restaurant. The rooftop eatery was open air during good weather, and so I’d donned a warm cardigan over my dress, and Taron had pulled on a blazer over his button-down and jeans. We got seated in the white plush chairs and the entire place was softly lit with candles and lamps turned low. I truly enjoyed the atmosphere of it, and the food, oh the food. It was the best I’d had there in Dubrovnik, and I wished I could just keep eating it for forever; almost as much as I wished I could just stay in this paradise with Taron forever.

But you can only appreciate the very best things in life by them coming to an end, and so we returned to London the next day, ready to figure out how to continue blending our normal everyday lives together. My flatmates were of course absolutely thrilled to have me back, peppering me with so many questions it made my head spin. I did my best to give them just enough answers to keep their curiosity at bay, while keeping some of the more private things with Taron just to myself.

I threw myself head-first back into work over the next few weeks, feeling like I needed to make up for the past month where my productivity had been seriously lacking. Taron and I found a way to balance out seeing each other, going on some fun dates, some super romantic ones, and oh yeah, having lots of sex. I was now officially addicted to him, and it really was all his fault in the best possible sense of the word. I’d gained some kind of confidence in what we had and was doing my best to work through my lingering issues. I still hadn’t told him I loved him, but every day he seemed to chip away more and more at the barriers I’d built around it. Bless his soul, he was eternally patient, I’d give him that. So my initial fears about reality taking anything away from us were unfounded; our relationship somehow just kept getting better. And I finally felt like I was really home in London; I had an amazing job I actually liked, lovely flatmates and friends I enjoyed spending time with, and the sweetest boyfriend a girl could luck into having.

So I was feeling pretty damn great about my life one balmy, late-summer day as I was striding toward my office, coffee cup in hand and laptop bag over my shoulder. I managed to accidentally brush past a guy who had just stepped out of a coffee shop, and I turned to apologize but before the words could escape my mouth I froze.

His build was thinner, his jawline sharper, and his face somehow more handsome than I remembered, but I’d recognize that tousled brown hair and those deep-set brown eyes anywhere.

Kevin. My mind went absolutely blank as I clutched my laptop bag and purse to me.

I nearly thought I was having a stroke at first, that he was just a figment of my imagination. But there he was, somehow, incomprehensibly, standing on the sidewalk in London before me.

“Jessica! It’s really you!” he said brightly. “Imagine my good fortune. I thought I’d have to spend more time trying to track you down and here you run right into me.” His voice sent chills down my spine and sent my stomach plummeting to my feet.

“How the hell are you here?” I asked, rooted to the spot. Other people were walking past us but I felt like I was suddenly in an alternate universe. “And why?”

“Relax, Jess. Things have changed. I’ve changed. I wanted to apologize to you,” he said, gesturing for me to move out of the way as a group of school kids giggled their way past. We ended up stepping closer to an alley between the coffee shop and another brick building beside it, and I was already looking for a way to leave.

“There’s nothing you can say to me to apologize,” I said coldly. “You don’t deserve any of my time,” I practically hissed.

“I know. I’m not asking for forgiveness. I just needed to see you again. To make sure you were okay,” he said, taking a step closer to me as I took a step back.

“I am just fine, no thanks to you,” I said with narrowed eyes. “You can’t just sweep back into my life thinking that things will just go back to how they used to be. I’m not your toy to play with and toss away and abuse any more, Kevin,” I said, taking several more steps away from him, until my back hit the brick wall of the building behind me.

I should have ran then. I should have turned around and started walking and never looked back. There would always be too many should haves in my life with Kevin.

Within seconds he had crossed the space between us and I flinched when he reached out to me, but his touch was gentle as he took my chin in his hand. “I never meant to hurt you, and I’ll forever hate myself for it. I had a long time to think about what I did, what happened between us. Please, just give me a chance again, to prove that I’m different now.”

“I can’t,” I whispered, trembling slightly at his touch. “I’m already with someone else.”

I have very little recollection of what happened next.

I don’t know if it was the rejection that set him off, but his grip on my face instantly tightened like a vice before he slammed the left side of my face so hard into the brick I heard a loud crack and felt the impact on the right side of my head. My vision went blurry and I dropped like a stone to the ground. He kicked me in the side then too, and I instantly curled up and away from him, trying to protect myself from the assault. This couldn’t be happening again. I’m going to wake up soon, and it will all be a nightmare. Taron will wrap his arms around me, and tell me it’s not real. Please god, let it not be true.

I don’t know if I screamed, or if the young couple that came to my aid were just walking past at the moment, but suddenly Kevin was tackled to the ground by the man, and the woman was instantly on her phone calling police. She knelt next to me as I tried to sit up, but the pain in my side, and my head, was too much. I could feel something warm and wet trickling down my face and into my eye, and I gasped as it stung. Still, I struggled to reach over to my purse, fumbling with it to try and get to my phone. The woman, who had the kindest eyes, seemed to understand and pulled it out and handed it to me.

I tried to focus on the keypad numbers to unlock my phone, but they wouldn’t stay in the same place and I kept hitting the wrong ones. Finally, frustrated, I shoved it back into her hands and told her my passcode. “Call Taron, please. My boyfriend, you need to call him and tell him where they’re taking me,” I said, fighting desperately hard against the darkness that was threatening to pull me under.

The sirens came, ear-splittingly loud, and it was enough for me to not throw up as the nausea of pain swept through my body. Kevin must have been handcuffed and arrested; but I couldn’t see enough of what was going on around me to know it. When the medics lifted my battered body onto the stretcher and began immobilizing me, I cried out in pain as my side where he’d kicked me lit up in renewed pain, leaving me short of breath.

I was beginning to fade in and out as they pushed me into the back of the ambulance and settled an oxygen mask over my face. I could only hope the woman had been able to reach Taron; he would be absolutely worried sick if he didn’t hear from me. 

How did he find me? I thought again, bright white spots exploding before my vision as the doors were slammed shut and we were hurtling through the streets of London. The medics were saying words I couldn’t understand; if they were talking to me, I wouldn’t have known it. They poked and prodded; a needle pushed in my arm, gauze pressed against my face.

I knew it had all been too good to be true. This thought was even more painful to bear than the broken parts of my body.

And then everything went black.

**********

I promise this isn’t the end. Read more in Part 10.