#i did 6 months of dbt therapy 3 days a week for 3 hours

[wakingbreathlessly]

do any borderlines find it relatively easy to cut people out of your life? because i have such an issue with this and i really wish i didn’t lol

[chimaeracabra]

I am having some trouble focusing right now. I wanna do this assignment that is due next Tuesday so I can ask my professor questions about it during class tomorrow. I feel sad about my loved ones. Neither of my sisters are happy, and Nick is struggling. He called me almost three hours ago. It was the first I've heard from him since he went into the ED on Monday night. He sounded really out of it. He is somewhere safer than where I worked when I was in psychiatric care, which I'm glad for. He also said they let you keep your cell phone on the unit where he is. He told me that today he had images of skinning himself. I can't imagine what it's like to have these constant and sudden malevolent thoughts of self-harm 24/7. I wish he had never had TBI as a teen (he was mugged twice). Perhaps he wouldn't be having this problem now. He told me he saw the psychiatrist for the first time today and they recommended therapy. He has expressed before that he doesn't like therapy and doesn't really want to do it, unless it's CBT or DBT (he recently bought a bunch of psych books and a book about healthy coping skills. I wish he had brought that one with him to the hospital). I think he is preventing himself from even having a chance of improvement with his automatic negative thoughts. So, I hope when he gets out of the hospital, he will actually do therapy and stick with it. A few weeks ago, I felt like something bad was going to happen. I knew it was just a matter of time...

I have been having insomnia for a few days now. Probably because I am just worried about Nick and I'm worried about my twin. Fitbit says I slept for 4 hours and 54 minutes last night. And that was with Benadryl. Maybe tonight I will take Benadryl and my trazodone. I don't really like trazodone too much. I think it increases my chances of having an episode of sleep paralysis, which I really don't enjoy. But I seriously think some of the reason I constantly have so much foot pain is because I don't sleep at a normal hour, or long enough for my body to experience restorative sleep.

I woke up around 8:40AM today and was going to go straight to the gym but felt like crap, so I went back to sleep until 10:46AM. I would love to be on a schedule where I am asleep no later than 12:30AM and waking up around 8:30AM. I have been needing to reset my biological clock basically since I was in high school. Some days it is far worse. For a while, 2AM was my regular bedtime, but I am finding myself awake at 4:30AM, sometimes longer than that. Tuesday, I logged 3 hours and 44 minutes of sleep from 2:02-10:22am. Fuck all.

This morning, the gynecologist who inserted my first IUD back in January called me back about the ultrasound I had on Friday. Apparently, I have a 0.9cm polyp in my uterus that the IUD may be rubbing against. And she said that probably explains the breakthrough bleeding I sometimes have. I am annoyed as FUCK about it, because now I have to go in for her to take out my second IUD and biopsy the friggen polyp to try and remove it all. And if she can't get it all blind in the office with me on painkillers, I might require surgery. I'm a little worried, but she said she does not think it's cancerous. She also said my IUD is tilted somewhat diagonally, so I should use condoms until we can sort this shit out.

I'll be really upset if I can't use this form of birth control. If the copper IUD is in the right place, it's at least 99% effective. Nick and I can't stand how expensive our favorite condoms are (I cannot fuckin' do latex because it burns me), and I was looking forward to never having to worry about condoms.

The only thing I have done today that has made me happy so far was work out. I finally got back in my gym. Now that I'm a few weeks out from full vaccination, I feel a little less worried about contracting COVID-19. I only ran for about 23 minutes. First I did weights. I did the pull-down machine I like. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I can still pull down more than half my weight. I have been doing at-home strength training 3-5 days a week with all my dumb bells. I want to get my middle skinnier again, like it was about 3-4 years ago when I was running a shit ton. But I also don't want to lose my ass. I really see and feel how I have put muscle mass onto my butt, hips, and legs in general. I did my ankle weights after I came home.

I need to try and do at least some work. Then I want to write a story and I will try to have Benadryl and traz tonight and sleep before it's 2AM.

My mom is going on a date on the weekend, and I will finally be able to join her to go to NH to look at a place for my twin to stay during her residency. I also plan to make a batch of basil soap so I can send more to my mentor and my friends. Which reminds me, my dear friend Rueben is getting married soon. I got the formal invitation in the mail today. I was there when he met his fiancée (Rue and I were at the Museum of Fine Arts for an event, just trying to be social, and they struck up a conversation). I'm genuinely happy for him. We don't talk much these days, but he has been such a good friend to me over the past 7 or so years.

I hold the people I care about in such high esteem, and close to my heart. I just want everyone I love to be happy. The past 6 months with Nick have been some of the absolute happiest of my life so far. I hope that things can just keep getting better from here on out...

[deathordecaf]

A (not so) Brief Introduction

Hello to you, entirely hypothetical reader!

My Name is Alessa —or rather that is the name I will be using for the sake of privacy. You see my intention with this blog is two-fold:

To share the information & tools I have learned regarding mental health, in an accessible format for myself, those like me, and those who wish to simply satiate their curiosity.

To keep a record for reflection on my personal journey, in an attempt to provide myself with some perspective on my conditions and appreciate the progress being made, as all too often we are blind to our progress when we need to recognise it most.

As such some of the entries here may be, well, personal. This may not be just so for me, but to those close to me as well. So for the sake of privacy pseudonyms will be used.

But enough waffling! This brief introduction is rapidly growing in length, so in no particular order here are a few key things about me that may provide context to myself as the narrator of this blog:

I am 25 rapidly approaching 26 —making me practically a fossil in Tumblr terms

I come from the land down under

I have a very Australian attitude to swearing in that I often fail to notice I’m swearing at all. Those who to umbrige to so-called “strong language” may not appricate my liberal usage in writting.

I was Diagnosed with Generalised anxiety & OCD at approx. 15yrs

I was also diagnosed with ADHD (ADD at the time) and like many 90′s kids (particularly girls), my parent did not take this to be a legitimate concern and neither treated nor informed me of my condition before they themselves forgot that incident entirely!

I have been on and off a number of antidepressants since my GAD diagnosis. Predominately SSRIs with a couple SNRIs threw in for good measure.

SSRIs and SNRIs show mixed to no results until I was in my early 20s when the newest pills on the block would (after making me disoriented and sick for a week) make me feel fan-fucking-tasic! For About a month or so before my inevitable plumment into my realisation, once again, that i was in fact human garbage & hiding under my desk until the fear subsided in another few month.

I do not like taking SSRIs; it’s not them, it it’s me.

I was bullied ruthlessly in primary school In an attempt to escape the constant bullying we tried changing my school, this was an abject failure and I returned to my previous school and dealt with the bullying I knew.

By the time I reach high school I developed a 0% drama policy, made A number of close friends 

I took a Gap year after high school, to really wallow in depression for the first time and ensure that I cut with as many of my social ties as possible, before they realised the truth that i was actual human garbage.

Despite not correctly completing enough qualifying subject in my senior year of High School to apply for university; I took an “alternative pathway to study” test the year following my graduation and scored in the top 5% percent of participants and then enrolled in an art programme in University the following year.

I began a perpetual cycle of dropping in and out of university and working until I became frustrated with my lack of direction or purpose, then returning to study again.

I studied Sociology partially because it interested my and partially because I thought I was to emotional to study psychology like I wanted.

I realised I would never leave this cycle without ongoing professional help.

I was sexually assaulted and had a complete mental breakdown and finally sought the help I needs.

I was now suspecting my Dysthymic + GAD +subclinical OCD combo I’d been labeled with was less than accurate and went to a Psychiatrist for a differential diagnosis

I was was diagnosis with ADHD (again, but this was news to me) and my Psychiatrist agreed the after somewhere in the vicinity of 6+ variety of SSRI was a good enough sample sizes to say they were a good Fit.

I begin taking dexamphetamine (for ADHD + off label depression treatment) and Mirtazipine (for anxiety + chronic insomnia I have had since childhood)

Thing start getting better 

Now here’s the “good” bit

 I have a job a love

 I’ve decided paying for education is for suckers

 I’m planning to start a new business to run while working this current jobs (i already have 2)

I’m working on two art projects

My partner and I are living together for the 2nd year so I now know he won’t leave randomly (because that’s definitely NOT a thing i have immense fear around as a result of a number of traumatic events that I’m pretending to not be effected by)

I’ve finally committed to being a vegetarian

dropped 10kgs

I’m hardly sleeping

I’m bursting with amazing ideas

Secretly convinced I’m going to change the world or at the very least Australia (because I’ve got to be “realistic”

I feel amazing, people love me, I love me

So because I’m finally “normal”, i decide i don’t need therapy anymore I’ve decided I CAN BE MY OWN THERAPIST JUST AS WELL! 

I’ve even done the “responsible” (please read: deluded) thing and doubled my Mirtazipine dose myself (with out having to waste my doctors time) to help me sleep again, although this doesn’t work so I start combining it with alcohol to knock myself out (this is also increasing)

I’M FINALLY MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!

I am depressed

I am more depressed than I have even been

I am not eating because I don’t so the point

It takes me an entire day to sit up right

I keep trying to work, but it’s poor, the stripped my hours back to nothing

I’ve been thinking of hurting myself to try and let the negative feelings out, but i settle for writing nasty thing about myself on my skin and hiding them under my clothes as a reminder that I am human garbage.

We can no longer afford our rent so we move in with my partners parents.

I go to the general practitioner near by she doesn’t want to write a mirtazipine script but does, she asks if I’m okay... I confess I had planned on killing myself a few night ago while visiting my father and his new family and that I only stopped myself because I couldn’t guarantee my three half siblings wouldn’t find my body and be traumatised. I confess I still want to hurt myself and that a feel I am a burden. She wan’t me to go to the hospital immediately but I talk her into a referral instead on the provisor i check in a week later.

At first i hide the for my partner but I confess what happened and i week later i’ve packed my bags and gone to the hospital.

It’s a mess, they ignore me, constantly forget my name, and take my medication away until they can confirm with my psychiatrist that i’m telling the truth. At first all I do is sleep

I don’t realised it but this stress triggers another hypomanic episode, and as I am clearly no longer depressed... they let me go. They don’t notice I’m on a power trip and intentionally making them uncomfortable by mentioning their mistakes in front of my family and laughing about it to my partner.

The goes on for another two week i’m increasingly annoyed by people telling me to pace myself “can’t they see i’m fine?”

Until I experience my first mixed episode. I have never been so scared of myself in my entire life

I’m completely unhinged. Even my partner with all the patience in world sits beside me as body is wracked by sobbing and says “maybe your right. maybe you’re not going to get better” a little part of me dies.

But I’m determined, I’ve spent to last few months actually taking care of myself for the first time in years. I’ve gotten back in contact with my psychiatrist and see hm once a week.

We had concluded I have some degree of Bipolarity and c-PTSD in addition to the ADHD and anxiety.

My mirtazipine has been increased again and Yesterday I’ve started taking Limotrigine and a mood stabilisers

I’ve begun a DBT course (which is part of a university trail to verify the affectivity).

I’ve started learning to embrace slow routine, monitoring my moods and have been drinking in all the possible information I can on my condition

This bring us to now.

I’m still a work in progress but I’ve come a long way and I’m already doing so much better than just 3 months ago. I have decided I will study Psychology like I’ve alway wanted. But I’m not rushing myself to be ready and I will do limit myself to three subjects at a time instead of the typical 4.

Until then my goal everyday is to do 4 simple things:

Ride my exercise bike for 30mins a day

Water my plants as I’ve started a small garden to ground me

Shower once a day

Always to my meds

So that’s an overly long overly intamate look at me... so how are you?

[bpdjelly]

an update of my life if some of u were curious/interested (or if any of u have missed me in my tumblr absence!!!!!!!!!!)

hello!!! many of u have been following me for a pretty long time. i started this blog 2 years ago around this time of year. i was super illiterate and lazy with my typing; literally every sentence had a typo in it. around that time is when i first learned abt bpd and its symptoms. for about 6 months or so, i’ve been away from tumblr if u have noticed. i’ve been on and off just checking in and reblogging a single post every time. so a little right before my disappearance, i had a rough winter (again). my bf (or whatever we considered each other) cheated on me and had a p sucky fallout and i was just trying to graduate high school. i was constantly drained.

right now i’m a freshman in college. i’ve been taking dbt classes every week since february of this year, along with seeing my therapist/dbt teacher weekly to help apply the skills in my everyday life..!! i have the most wonderful boyfriend now and we’ve been together for abt 6 months now (officially 3 months eheh. he also lives like 3 hours away which sux but anyways) and i’m honestly!!!!! so so much better and happier. just the other day, my therapist told me she has seen a lot of progress in me. and she asked me if others around me have noticed that too (bc i sure haven’t). and boy let me tell u!!! i started comparing myself to back when i was in 8th grade and when i was a freshman in high school, and when i was 16,  and when i was a sophomore (aka hell year) and!!! i started crying.

i’m not suicidal everyday. i used to strongly believe that i’d be dead before 18. by my own hands. but today? for the past few days? i’ve been visualizing my dream, and seeing myself in my own future and it gets to me so so much. i’ve been crying randomly in my classes out of happiness because of all this progress. i’m 19 now. i feel so close to my dreams.

although i still do experience bpd and its symptoms, i can at least find it a little more manageable than way before. i still get mood swings everyday but i do my best to practice the skills, but i try harder to even get myself to do the skills. but that’s like a whole other conversation hahah!!!

it isn’t perfect but. i’ve come so far. i hope i can make u all proud. i hope u can all make yourselves proud.

if any of u are curious or interested in starting dbt, or starting/getting back into therapy and stuff i highly and strongly urge u to do so bc it has helped me lots,,!!!!!!

i love all of u just as much as i did 2 years ago, if not more. thank u for following and supporting me for so long despite my breakdowns and absences. i’m not completely leaving tumblr or anything and my ask is still open so feel free to talk or anything!! or even ask for my other social medias!!

stay safe ♡

[nonbinary-zelda]

my mental health timeline (tw for suicide, not graphic)

at twelve yrs/o i was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. about two months after receiving my diagnoses i planned suicide for the first time. the reason i say this is bc i didnt take action, an adult talked me down.

for the next three years my mental health struggle was pretty unremarkable. i went up and down and then more down, i went on meds and then off them, i was diagnosed with ocd and started seeing a specialist in addition to my other therapist.

then when i was 15 i attempted suicide. this was in november of 2018, so not even a whole year ago. i spent the minimum 72 hours in inpatient and then went right back home. no one really knew what to do, so nothing changed. i saw the same therapist, kept going to school, etc. and just kept getting worse. the trauma of being in inpatient and having ambulances and police in my house was too much for me to deal with.

so two months later, february of 2019, i attempted again. this time i was in inpatient for a week, and then after that i was referred to a partial hospitalization program (php) that was 6 hours a day five days a week. i did that for 3 months and oh boy was that a journey. they identified my trauma reactions as ptsd, helped me work through it, taught me tons of dbt and cbt skills for my depression and practiced exposures for my anxiety and ocd.

in may i was discharged. i crashed pretty hard after that; it’s hard to go from 30 hrs of therapy a week to one or two. in june i was hospitalized again, this time not for an attempt but because i was having a flashback so intense i didn’t know where i was or what was happening. that was my most recent hospitalization.

now i’m seeing a new therapist who specializes in rodbt as well as a cctp for trauma. i’m still very much in the process of recovery but that’s why i wanted to make this blog. often times it’s hard to see glowing positivity posts about YOULL GET BETTER BC I DID !!!!!! when u feel like you’ve been in recovery for forever and nothing’s changing. so i wanna be as authentic as possible about recovery and how fucking HARD it is.

hope it’s helpful to someone out there.

<3

[lavenderrecovery]

30 day self harm challenge day 11: strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?

hooo buddy this is a funny one. 

so i go to my psychiatrist like 3 years ago, right? it took me months to get this appointment. and i get there at 6 am, and i wait for an hour, and then the lady at the front desk tells me she called in sick. so i break down crying. and the receptionist tells me that i can’t cry in the waiting room because i’ll upset the other patients, but i can go sit in the empty group room and “calm down.” 

i wanted to kill myself, so i tried calling a hotline, like i usually did back then when i wanted to kill myself. and i got put on fucking hold. so i hang up and try a different hotline. and i get put on hold again. at 7 in the fucking morning pacific time. so i freak out. i’m sobbing and screaming and i punch a picture on the wall, and i start cutting my stomach. With bits of the glass that they had covering the picture, you know, like inside the frame there’s a piece of glass? Well I broke it and used the bits to cut myself. In a psychiatrist’s office waiting area

anyway the receptionist called the emergency services while all this was going on because i was making kind of a lot of noise. and they come in, and it’s 7 in the morning, and the dude in charge looks at me, and tells me to sit down, and that he’s signing me up for dialectical behavior therapy right the fuck now. and he talks me down until i’m not like. actively at risk for hurting myself any worse, and gives me gauze for my stomach. and they get another appointment for less than a week later set up for me. 

and then i’m on a waitlist for 6 months before i can get into dbt, and when i do, it’s in the very same fucking group room where i had my breakdown 6 months earlier. 

[ventus-shmentus]

1 through 100 for the question time?

oh man this is gonna keep me busy, thank you anon

1.) is there a boy/girl in your life?

*** sadly no, I've been single for like 3 years now

2.)  think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

*** yes! I generally try to forgive most ppl because I h a t e being angry w ppl

3.) what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

*** there was a girl in middle school that always stared me down and meowed at me at lunch???

4.) what’s something you really want right now?

*** strawberry lemonade from O’Charley’s

5.) are you afraid of falling in love?

*** thank god no, I love loving people

6.) do you like the beach?

*** yeah my fam goes every year for vacay and we spread my brothers ashes in the ocean and stuff so it’s comforting to go bc it’s like he’s still with me??

7.) have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

*** tried to, but I have a lot of problems falling asleep so it didn't work out too well

8.) what’s the background on your cell?

*** my lock screen is me and a best friend and my home bg is a pic of ventus

9.)name the last four beds you were sat on?

***my sisters, my moms, faith’s, and Ryder’s if you count being sat on by dogs (I think thats what the question is asking lmao??)

10.) do you like your phone?

*** most of the time, yeah. the calls get messed up a lot tho and the battery sucks

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned?

*** god no, it’d be weird if they were. I'm doing much much better in life than I originally expected 

12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

*** probs the girls from my DBT therapy group

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?

*** omg Rottweiler for sure,,, I love big doggies and they're such big babies

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

*** I can't really answer this because they’re both felt in different ways

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

*** I've never been to an art museum so id have to say zoo for now

16: are you tired?

*** heck yea my mom lost my sleep medication, I'm so tired to the point where I'm listening to Soulja boy and I'm not sure if its real or not

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact?

*** like???? 15 years??

18: are they a relative?

*** nope just my sisters friend 

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

*** someone please kill me if I ever get back with one of my exes

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

*** honestly I can’t remember, probably like last month?

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

*** nonono I'm nowhere near ready to settle down in life like that. I'm only 19 and like I've never even had a job and I don't have my license and shit,,, def not ready for marriage

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

*** yeah he was a good kisser, too bad I barely remember it lmao

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

*** 2 a hair tie and a friendship bracelet

24: is there a certain quote you live by?

*** Donald Duck going “WAK!”

25: what’s on your mind?

*** what happened to Kevin Jonas

26: do you have any tattoos?

*** no but I was planning on getting one soon as tribute to my brother

27: what is your favorite color?

*** yellow!! its so happy and bright

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

*** heck idk no one ever seems interested in me so like?? its up to them bc I'm down to kiss like 90% of the people I know

29: who are you texting?

*** my boi Ryder bc he's coming over to give me birthday stuff

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

***nope, only a car

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

*** I low key knew that my brother was gonna die the day he did but I didn't say anything to anyway bc I just blamed it on my anxiety

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

*** heck yeah, I got a couple thankfully

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?

*** lmao ryder

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

*** yes! my eyes turn literally yellow in the summer and its p cool

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

*** I'd be like “hell yeah I'm proud of u for getting action”

36: were you single on valentines day?

*** have been my whole life

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?

*** yes but I rarely talk to him anymore

38: what do your friends call you?

*** karl, car keys, Karls, kar, karlie warlie

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?

*** does myself count lmao

40: have you ever cried over a text?

*** probably

41: where’s your last bruise located?

*** the tops of my feet 

42: what is it from?

*** dancing! you get bruises in weird places from dance lmao

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

*** idk if this really counts but we went out to eat last night which is really triggering for me and I was like “I just want to go home and see my doggie”

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?

***my sister on accident

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

*** fav bc of looks are my white doc Martens but I wear my black converse most of the time

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

*** no I look dumb in hats

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?

*** honestly no just bc I like to have the mermaid hair effect when I’m in the bath or swimming

48: do you make supper for your family?

*** only if its like pizza rolls or smthn

49: does your bedroom have a door?

*** yes???

50: top 3 web-pages?

*** Tumblr, youtube and Facebook

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?

*** my mom bc she hates going out in public

52: does anything on your body hurt?

*** my wrist!! I have a cyst in my joint and it hurts to move it too much 

53: are goodbyes hard for you?

*** yes bc I have a huge fear of abandonment

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

*** strawberry lemonade

55: how is your hair?

*** its kinda short atm, I just got it cut and I'm mad bc its just the right length where only half of my hair goes into a ponytail

56: what do you usually do first in the morning?

*** pee tbh

57: do you think two people can last forever?

*** I mean I guess

58: think back to january 2007, were you single?

*** considering. was 8, yes

59: green or purple grapes?

*** depends on my mood tbh

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

*** in like 10 minutes when Ryder is here

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

*** not really but I wouldn't particularly mind if I was somewhere else

62: when will be the next time you text someone?

*** like rn

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?

*** in my living room talking to Ryder

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.

*** pretending to be asleep

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked?

***probably faith idk but thankfully thats faded by now

66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

*** ryder and my sister tbh

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?

*** my mom always hugs me good morning

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

*** “god I wish I could fall asleep”

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

*** did you mean: my entire dance career?

70: how many windows are open on your computer?

*** 5!

71: how many fingers do you have?

*** thankfully I got all 10

72: what is your ringtone?

*** the default iPhone ringtone, I've never bothered to change it but I want my text ringtone to be the thing from Kim possible

73: how old will you be in 5 months?

*** 19

74: where is your mum right now?

*** in my sister’s room helping her build a desk

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

*** bc he's an abusive piece of shit (:

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

*** sadly no ):

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

*** definitely not

78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

*** a dude named Zac but he was a terrible person lmao

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?

*** my aunt's pos boyfriend

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

*** no ):

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?

*** not really anyone worth noting

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

*** probably

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?

*** I don't really like anyone atm

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

*** probably Bria or faith tbh

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?

*** I think it’d depend on what it was and if it was effecting them in an unhealthy way or not

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

*** I threw up 20 mins into Spiderman homecoming

87: who was your last received call from?

*** my sister

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

*** I think it'd depend on what I needed the money for and how bad I needed it

89: what is something you wish you had more of?

*** friends

90: have you ever trusted someone too much?

*** all the time. I love trusting people but it gets me hurt a lot

91: do you sleep with your window open?

*** I wish but I got them allergies

92: do you get along with girls?

*** for the most part yes!

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

*** yeah but its not worth telling them right now, gotta wait till the right time

94: does sex mean love?

*** nope!

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

*** no but I might have a hard time trying to find things to talk about

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

*** yeah I didn't really like it tbh

97: did you sleep alone this week?

*** always

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

*** yes! my sister and ryder

99: do you believe in love at first sight?

*** no bc then you're just falling in love with the persons looks and not the actual person

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise

*** my mom but I don't remember what for

[dumbkombuchakid]

Why aren’t we getting better?

I’ve bonded with so many people over having a hard life, over going through shit. It’s undeniable that poor mental health can create community, to a point where I almost feel like it’s trendy to be depressed. It’s cool to have anxiety. It’s exciting to be mentally ill. It makes you attractive to a certain group within our society. Maybe this isn’t as big as it feels to me, because it’s the group I’m exposed to, it’s what I see online and in my relationships, but I don’t see people excited about getting better. We 😗✌️our way through life and brag about how many pills we take every day and how many hours a week we spend in therapy, but I don’t see people celebrating the progress they’ve made.

I’m shocked every day at the progress I’ve made. I’ve seen myself reach and surpass so many milestones that I never even knew were possible for myself. I recently (within the past 6 months or so) let go of all the anger I held toward my dad. It’s hard to not label him as abusive, to change that label to something that takes into account his perspective and experience as well as my own. I assigned the blame for most of the things I’ve struggled through and fought my whole life to him, which might’ve been unfair but honestly it’s hard to say. Growing up, I conditioned myself to associate him with bad things. I was talking to him yesterday and the metaphor I used was if you were living in the wild, the things you remember about fruit that makes you sick or can kill you are that it can make you sick or kill you. You don’t remember that the fruit’s aesthetically pretty or has a sweet taste. You don’t remember the satisfying burst of juice or crunch that comes from biting into it. You don’t remember the sweet aroma from the flowers that bloom from the plant. Remembering those things can put you in danger, because if you focus too heavily on how sweet the poison fruit is, you might get sick or die. I don’t have a lot of memories from childhood. I remember being scared, I remember being angry. I remember my dad starting fights, I remember feeling like I was always disappointing him. I remember how anytime I told him I felt a certain way that maybe didn’t align with his narrative he’d tell me I was wrong, and invalidate me and my feelings. I suppressed the good memories, and the ones I held onto I tainted and stained, so the good was so mixed with bad that they weren’t good memories anymore. 

It wasn’t until this past christmas when I was watching home videos that I realized I didn’t have the whole story in my head, that he loved me, that he tried his best to care for me and protect me from all the bad in the world. I had no idea. I had no idea at all and then I realized that all the good memories that I was missing were still stored in his head. I had 3/365 days playing on repeat and he had the other 362. He remembers the good times. Not only that, he remembers the bad times differently.

I thought he hated me, I thought I had turned out so rotten and aligned with my mom that I had lost a place in his heart, that I didn’t believe I had ever had a place in his heart. I assumed he had turned his back on me just as much as I did on him and I was wrong.

I’m now trying to edit my narrative. I’m trying to create a space in my heart for my dad to be my hero, to be my best friend, to be something that I’ve only seen in movies or on social media. I’m going to try to clean up the good memories that I do have, and search for more that are buried somewhere deep in my mind.

I was the favorite, hell, I might still be the favorite, and I had no idea. I am loved and cared about and I had no fucking clue. The thing is, I couldn’t have known until now. I had to reach some milestone in my own journey before I could even think about tearing down the walls I’ve spent my life erecting. 

I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, panic, eating disorders, and general self-loathing for years. This past year, I’ve overcome so much.

I have self worth now, I realized that I matter. That my whole life people have told me that I’m something special, that I’m meant to do something important and that my heart is pure and good and I think I assumed that that wasn’t valid, that I shouldn’t take any of that too seriously because I was also raised at a time when kids got participation awards and every kid got told they were special. I assumed it was the same thing, and that I shouldn’t believe it too much because I was no different from anyone else and why should I get a pat on the back just for showing up. It took me until I was 19 to realize that the people who have told me my whole life that I’m special weren’t saying that to everyone. They meant it for me. It wasn’t a prize just for showing up, it was because I had, in some way, earned it. I had showed them that I was something unique and special. I never thought I mattered before, but literally like two weeks ago I realized holy shit, what if they meant it. what if they’re right? 

I still get depressed, I haven’t beaten it, but I’ve learned how to live. I’ve learned tools and tricks and methods to reorganize my cognition, to recognize patterns of behavior and play an active enough role in my life that I get to decide how much power to give my depression. 

I’ve made incredible progress against my eating disorders. I still struggle with thoughts and judgments but I’m able to take control over myself now and be kinder to myself. 

I have a personality disorder; I have borderline personality disorder. It’s not something that’s wrong with me, which is why I don’t love the title “personality disorder.” It’s actually very organized and predictable, a variation of personality that has key markers and traits that are visible in lots of different people who are borderline. It’s marked by having essentially so much empathy and such big feelings that it can cause problems. There’s a special kind of therapy (dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT) that was designed to help people like me function more effectively in society, in our relationships, and on our own. I’m so much happier and comfortable in my life after learning the things I have in DBT that I feel incredibly grateful for my success and sorry for the people who still play into the ~it’s cool to be depressed~ dialogue that our society facilitates.

I’m getting better. I have a chance now to have a dad who loves me and wants to be my hero and my best friend. I have a shot at a relationship with my brother and my sister. I’ve been able to help my mom make progress too in her own journey through life.

I feel so good and happy and something inside me still says “don’t get better, stay trendy, hold onto the pain.” I’m not going to listen to that voice, and I want to make it cool to get better. I want to make it cool to learn new skills in therapy and effectively use them when our lives demand it. I want it to be trendy to make so much progress in our recovery that we’re able to get through things that would’ve been traumatic a year ago with ease. I want to stand on my own mountain and look out over all my experiences and know that I am better where I am today than where I was yesterday, and know that I can continue to climb. I want to see all my friends climbing their own mountains and reaching peaks. I want to see them look out over their own paths and feel proud of the progress they’ve made. I want to make it okay to not be okay but to also make it okay to be okay. I want to make it trendy to be proud of our own progress.

[super-rainbows]

tnhbrevcwqxe

Rainbow: it’s okay. try and calm down.

Ethan: I guess. I know I was saying this yesterday (but the whole reason I’m making this post is to say it, anyway), but 1. what is the point of coming off codeine if they won’t let me do DBT? Also, they need to stop telling me that I’m making my own decisions as if saying that will somehow make it true. If I could never have control over anything before, it’s hypocritical to pretend I do now. Especially when they’re the ones who decide whether I can do DBT or not, regardless of what I say or do. At any second they can just be like “no, never mind”. Technically I can do that too, but that doesn’t disadvantage them; the only possibilities are them disadvantaging me, or me disadvantaging myself. That isn’t equal. And if I did decide to disadvantage myself for some reason, they could just refuse to help me at all in response. As in, they could just be like “oh, you don’t want to [whatever]? well then you can’t ever come here again, bye”. It’s stupid and unfair to pretend they aren’t the ones with power over me when they are.

Rainbow: yeah, I see what you mean. sorry if I/we play into that by always saying you can make your own decisions.

Ethan: It’s different when you say it, because you aren’t secretly saying “you can “make a decision” but I’ll ruin your life/refuse to help you/whatever if you don’t pick the decision I want you to”. All you can do is disapprove. You don’t have the power to take me off the medication I’m on, prevent me from ever accessing any mental health service again, etc. (In theory I guess you could sort of try to do those things, but for one thing you wouldn’t, and for another thing the power you have is less permanent etc) But really, why would they be like “you can make your own decision but it has to be the one we want or else” and/or “no matter what “decision” you make we’re going to prevent you from accessing some kind of therapy, but you’re the one “making the decision” so it’s your fault”?

Rainbow: *hugs* are you gonna keep coming off codeine, though?

Ethan: Like I (sort of) said, I don’t have any fucking choice. Every single person I know is still going to pressure me to come off it no matter what.

Rainbow: well, we’ll support you if you want, just so someone won’t be pressuring you as much. in our case it really is just because we love you.

Ethan: That’s fine. You both get a pass to harass/pressure/criticise me, because at least for you I know it’s at least partially because you genuinely care about me or whatever, as opposed to that you just don’t like me doing anything you personally disapprove of.

Rainbow: lol. I’d correct you, but you seem pretty pissed off, lol. xD I’m sure under different circumstances you’d know that a similar thing applies to other people. your mom can get fucked, her opinion doesn’t matter, don’t bother trying to consider her. more like ______, _________, ___, ___, etc. they care about you. maybe they potentially also have some personal bias against drug addicts and are like “ew you get high to cope?” but I’m reasonably sure that most if not all of the reason they want you off codeine is because they love you and care about you.

Ethan: You’re right, but I don’t feel like properly acknowledging it right now.

Rainbow: lol yeah fair enough.

Ethan: Anyway, the point is, the cluain mhuire people were basically like “if you come off codeine you can do dbt”, but then, now that I’m nearly off it, suddenly decided to change and be like “actually never mind, you don’t get to do dbt. but keep coming off codeine anyway even though you now have no reason to and nothing to even try to replace it with”. Like, was this their plan all along? To lie to me and trick me into coming off codeine by making a fake promise to actually try to help me? Or is it some kind of test to see if I’m “””committed””” enough to continue doing a benefitless thing I don’t even want to do, for no reason at all? I am gonna continue just so that I can see what it’s like without it (and also since if I do go to America, it’d be better to be off it than either trying to bring some with me and/or going through withdrawals while I’m there), but I’ll probably just take either it or something else up again in September/October because I’ll need some kind of coping strategy. Like seriously, it was unfair enough that they were like “you can’t be given any new coping skills until after you completely drop your current effective one”, though at least that had some kind of justification, but now they’re just like, “you must completely drop your only effective coping skill, and you don’t get anything to replace it with”. What do they expect me to do? I’m sure they also want me to function and pretend to be a regular human being, and not to self harm or get high on anything else, so ??? It’s basically just like saying “just stop being mentally ill. bye”. ?????

Rainbow: sorry if this is like... bad or whatever, but either way, congratulations on getting down to 3 a day. 

Ethan: It’s literally just because 1. I don’t really have to do anything, and 2. I’m supplementing it with caffeine and pseudoephedrine, and/or whatever else is convenient. 

Rainbow: I know, but still. 10/10 you. or, I guess, 8/10? to account for the supplementing? lol

Ethan: Also, what problem do I even have?

Rainbow: autism, bpd, and trauma, and they’re inter-related.

Ethan: ?

Rainbow: the autism is permanent obviously, and affects the other two. I’ll split the trauma into sexual and emotional. the emotional one clearly affects you all the time; the effects of the sexual ones fluctuate but at least some are also always observable. in both cases you (and we) have kinda adjusted to a lot of the effects/symptoms/whatever and consider them “normal”. you generally have at least some bpd traits affecting you at all times, especially if you consider kinda minor/subtle ones. rn the most obvious bpd things affecting you are the emptiness thing and the lack of emotional permanence (which is why you’re being like “why don’t I feel anything?? I have never felt anything in my life!!! what am I???” etc and thinking that because you haven’t been having major/noticeable symptoms in the past like 2 weeks, that you suddenly don’t have bpd or trauma anymore)

Ethan: Well, either way it’s inconvenient that whatever problems I may or may not have won’t just stay still and stay the same so that I can know what they are and “deal with them” or make them go away. and it doesn’t count if they go away without me making them go away, because if they disappear suddenly for no reason then that’s the same as them never having existed or been real in the first place.

Rainbow: that’s the lack of emotional permanence thing, see? lol. you still have bpd, don’t worry. :P anyway, as a convenient example: if the ps4 decided to work properly the next time you tried it, it would still very much be the case that it’s refused to work for the past month or whatever.

Ethan: That’s like saying, “if all the problems disappear then you’ll still have attempted suicide 6 times”. That is, that’s not the point, and is irrelevant to what I’m saying. If the ps4 started working again, that would mean that it doesn’t have anything wrong with it, and the power supply doesn’t need to be replaced, and there is no problem. And if there isn’t any inherent problem, then clearly there never was, and it not working was just some coincidence.

Rainbow: I see what you mean. I’m sorry (sympathy) that your mom ruined all the good words/phrases, lol. I’m trying to think of some combination that’ll convey the same thing as what I want to say but hasn’t been ruined by her saying it passive-aggressively or with a secret other meaning, but yeah, idk. should we come up with a symbol or phrase that means something like “I’m not secretly mad at you/I’m saying this genuinely/I’m not being passive-aggressive”? then I can tack it onto what I want to say and it won’t be bad/upsetting anymore?

Ethan: *shrugs* * might work for that, since we already use it to disambiguate. Or possibly ~ since we sort of used that to mean “I love you” etc? And it means “approximately” so that works too.

Rainbow: hmm. idk.

Jamie: ~ is a bigger and more noticeable symbol? And also people already use ~ as punctuation to indicate they’re saying things in a kinda gentle, floaty way? So I think ~ is good unless you wanna use * either. Or we could use both, lol. :P

Ethan: ~ is good.

Rainbow: yeah, same. 10/10

Jamie: Thank you. :P

Rainbow: so yeah ~there doesn’t seem to be much point trying to argue with you rn~

Ethan: *shrugs* Oh, also, we could use * for “interpret rationally” and ~ for “interpret lovingly”.

Rainbow: lol. I don’t think there’s much point distinguishing because for what I said, there isn’t a huge difference between either interpretation. idk about other statements, but yeah. anyway yeah ~I’m sorry if I upset you or anything

Jamie: Do we always have to disambiguate when something isn’t intended passive-aggressively?

Rainbow: nah, I’d say only if Ethan (or one of us) would interpret it that way otherwise.

Jamie: ^

Rainbow: lol

Jamie: Even though thumbs-up symbols are okay now, you kinda can’t do emojis on a computer keyboard. Well, I guess if I was willing to just manually copy-paste them or something.

Ethan: The computer doesn’t really display emojis, so there’d be kinda no point, especially if you tried to copy-paste the right one from a list.

Jamie: lol

Ethan: You could just type a kanji or something for the same effect, except I think those do usually display. :P When should I go to bed/sleep?

Rainbow: ideally soon, but I mean you took caffeine and sudo like 4 hours ago? possibly less? I don’t really see you falling asleep anytime soon, lol. you need to be up at like 9:30, right?

Ethan: Yeah.

Rainbow: lol, good luck. also, it’s okay (about exams). you’re gonna be fine. <3

Ethan: Thank you. :P 

Rainbow: it’s worth a shot trying to call the hse place tomorrow, and if that doesn’t work then you can try at 8 (or whenever) on Tuesday and then if that doesn’t work then you can try at 9ish on Tuesday. 

Ethan: I definitely wanted to say something else, but I can’t remember what. Oh, this isn’t relevant at all, but I’m kinda surprised that even though I’ve lowered the codeine dose so drastically, food anxiety still hasn’t come back.

Rainbow: I can see why that makes you feel “fake” or whatever, but I mean since it usually does tend to come back eventually, I would say just enjoy your ability to eat without having panic attacks for now, lol. and you can always have some of my anxiety, lol. oh also, regardless of anxiety or lack of, you still don’t have the healthiest behaviours, mindset etc. 

Ethan: But why would anyone care about that?

Rainbow: *shrugs* I wanna say that normal people don’t/wouldn’t do things like take fiber pills instead of eating, take stimulants just for the laxative and/or metabolism-raising effects, drink straight vinegar because it supposedly helps weight loss, etc, but tbh I have no idea. maybe they do? I know that doesn’t help at all, lol, sorry. I mean those don’t seem like “healthy” behaviours, but “normal” people do do a lot of weird shit, so idk.

Rainbow: are you okay? lol, at least you’re distressed now, so you’re aware that you do in fact experience distress. xD

Ethan: I think it’s more like resentment than distress.

Rainbow: yeah. I meant negative emotions in general, I guess.

Ethan: I wish whatever problem I supposedly have would just stay still and consistent so I could know what I was and whether it was improving or not. Instead of just randomly changing and fluctuating all the time. Like how am I meant to solve whatever “problem” I have if one week it’s anxiety and another week it’s dpdr and another week it’s anger? I’m sure it all falls under “trauma and/or bpd” but that isn’t helpful since both of those things are basically like saying “every possible symptom”. Like, yes, it is “a symptom”, but that doesn’t convey any information whatsoever, and is completely useless when it’s a different symptom every week to month anyway.

Rainbow: yeah, that makes sense.

Ethan: Do you think bpd was a misdiagnosis?

Rainbow: no, I don’t think so. that’s the short/immediate answer, anyway. you always tend to assume that not experiencing a given thing right now is the same as not having experienced it ever and not tending to in general, so you’re basically being like “I’m not having any major problems at this exact second, therefore I don’t have any mental illnesses and never did” which isn’t how it works.

Ethan: *shrugs*

Rainbow: if you want one thing to focus on that’s constant, your fucked up thought patterns are seemingly always there. I know they fluctuate too, but you always (on whatever level) believe things like “being mad at someone = hating them and wishing death on them”, “not experiencing something right now = it never having existed in the first place”, etc.

Ethan: If that somehow went away then nothing would be constant.

Rainbow: lol. ideally I think maybe if the things like that went away then some other problems would too? but yeah, things like dissociation probably wouldn’t be directly affected by thought processes. do you wanna go to bed?

Ethan: I guess.

Rainbow: you can just try/pretend to sleep a bit at some point, lol.

Ethan: How is anyone ever helped by talk therapy?

Rainbow: idk

Ethan: Like, it doesn’t do anything? You just talk and then that’s it. How is that supposed to affect anything? If it was in addition to some actual/practical thing, maybe, but otherwise I don’t see how it would do anything unless it was like “now that I’ve acknowledged the problem, it’s gone”, which is what I was always like with crushes when I was younger (that is, as soon as I said it to anyone it would disappear for some reason).

Rainbow: lol

Ethan: Although even with the “say the problem and then it’ll disappear” thing, that would rely on someone actually believing you, and nobody believes anything I say. Like the therapist last week apparently believed me by accident but then remembered he wasn’t supposed to.

Rainbow: ~lol ~(at how you’re interpreting that)

Ethan: I would ask how you would interpret it, but all you’d do is say I’m wrong.

Rainbow: that’s not what I’d be trying to say. well, okay, I guess it is, but not like that. I’m not really sure what he was going for either, tbh. like, either it is abusive (which, imo, it is), or it’s not, not “it is abusive but pretend it isn’t” or whatever.

Ethan: He said it was but then took that back, implying that it isn’t, then basically said that it isn’t but he’s willing to pretend it is. And I guess it’s good that he’s willing to pretend that I have any right to be affected by things, but it isn’t very good pretending if he also tells me outright that he doesn’t believe that at all.

Jamie: @.Rainbow: @.what you just thought: Seriously, fuck off with that. Anyway, I’m not super sure what he was going for either, but I sort of get the impression that 1. he said “that sounds abusive” without thinking (okay, we all knew that already), and 2. for some reason he thinks that if he explicitly categorises your mum’s actions as abusive, then you’ll be inclined to act on that in some way? That’s the impression I get, I guess. 

Ethan: I guess he doesn’t necessarily not think that, but that’s a completely ridiculous thing to think since I’ve made it obvious that I avoid conflict at all costs. And that doesn’t prevent it from also being the case that he said it by accident or like as an exaggeration or something, while actually believing the opposite.

Rainbow: why say “that sounds abusive” if what you’re thinking is “that sounds like a completely reasonable way to treat a young child”? point I’m making is that I don’t think that is what he was thinking.

Ethan: It might’ve been more like “that isn’t ideal but not actually bad”, as in, pretty much the same as what I assume already.

Rainbow: *sighs dramatically* you literally told him that it would help if he was validating instead of saying/implying that you have no right to feel whatever way you do, so  w h y  the fuck did he decide to say that?

Ethan: Well, just ‘cause I said that would help doesn’t mean he’s actually inclined to do it.

Rainbow: I wish I could just talk directly to him or something, idk.

Ethan: It’s probably unreasonable for me to just want to be validated and told that it makes sense to feel whatever way I do. That is, I don’t just want to demand something ridiculous like that.

Rainbow: ...

Ethan: You’re acting like it’s reasonable, but I really don’t think it is. It’s not like you’ve never thought/felt/believed any unreasonable thing. :P

Rainbow: true but I’m usually right in relation to you and it’s usually obvious (even to me) when I’m not. also go to bed soon.

Ethan: Okay.