#i couldve learned so fucking much
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saw an absolutely beautiful ribbon skirt and now im hashtag sad again
#screaming crying etc#that could have been me!!#if my mother's family hadnt been so fucking awful and traumatized her to the point of separating herself from them entirely!#if she hadnt had racism and self loathing drilled into her!#my maternal grandmother was cree and ill never get to learn her history#i fucking hate that i never even got the choice#i never got to choose for myself if i wanted to keep the connection to my roots#i couldve learned to do beadwork before my hands got fucked#i couldve learned so fucking much#i couldve had community#and i dont blame her for running to be clear#she did what she had to to survive and it was the best choice she couldve made in those circumstances#but. fuck dude#i have no real hope of reconnecting at this point. i know i would look like a white bitch pretendian if i tried#and i dont want to take up space that isnt mine to take
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AUGHH CLASS ASSIGNMENT YIPPEEE!!! Had to make cut out silhouette designs for 3 of our characters!!!
#i havent drawn for myself in so lonng AUGH#and i also had to learn to use photoshop which was. interesting but i got comfortable with it eventually#i couldve did this so much faster but alas growing pains on a new software#csp i miss u ill always love you#ANYWAY YA!! We had to choose a fairytale to adapt and have a twist and that will be the story well be making concept art for the entire ter#i chose the little red riding hood and my twist is that its set in the victorian era and also its toxic yuri HEHEEE#So yeah first pic is the the little red riding hood girlie (Scarlette) all grown up and became a huntress#second pic is Wolf woman who Killed said gramma long ago but tricked scarlette to thinking that she didnt#(they have a tense enemies to lovers to enemies kind of arc HEHE)#And third pic is the hunter/woodsman!!! He is gonna be the one that tells scarlette that the wolf lady IS the one shes been hunting#all her LIFE#and so girlies gonna get SO mad like FUCK I FELL IN LOVE HER BUT I STILL GOTTA KILL HER BECAUSE I SWORE TO MY GRANDMA I WOULD#and ya they both fight to the death. stabbed via hearts. HEEHEE#god im so tired all the time I HAVE NO FREE TIME AAAAA#I HATE YOU TWO HOUR COMMUTES
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can russia and north korea just nuke us already this is hopeless
#sorry to be so fatalistic on main i just have zero faith in the american public atp#i just rly wanted to believe that more americans couldve used this opportunity to prove to the rest of the world that we arent all a bunch#of sensationalist/conspiracy-driven/aggressively braindead/violent/bigoted alt-right lunatics#& i never had much faith in kamala & walz to begin with obviously im incredibly cynical towards these status quo gatekeepers and the#downright impotence of the neoliberal democratic party#but this wouldve been an easy swerve away from dozens MORE of horrible awful inhumane policies that will ultimately vanquish#the quality of life for the entire american working class like myself and our already pisspoor education system and our lousy#climate change policies and impossible living standards#but no unfortunately there is no way in hell for americans to prove even a modicum of intelligence or worth we're all basically suicidal#and despite my own immense yank bashing tendencies and complete disdain for our government i really wanted this country & my ppl to defy#our own reputation of being so fucking stupid and backwards i really did. in the tiniest little place of my heart was legitimate hope#& a tiny bit of patriotism thats now been squashed completely & this was just another large-scale international humiliation that we legit#voted that guy BACK IN after everything that has happened the last four even eight years. its unbelievable.#again obviously i dont like kamala but it still wouldve been a grand opportunity to stall against what the gop is already destroying#and with push and shove we could have made slight progress forward as a country and try to protect our social programs#be it as flawed as they are and with enough support we could have strengthened them a little. make drugs less expensive. continue forward#with clean energy decreasing our use of fossil fuels even more.#protect our education system so the up and coming generations could receive higher standards of learning than what the rest of us had#NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. im too poor to continue living here and im too poor to fucking leave !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#SORRY THIS WAS EXTREMELY EXTREMELY EXTREMELY LONG THANK U FOR READING IF U DID MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE MUSH RIGHT NOW SO I DONT KNOW HOW#INTELLIGIBLE THIS MAY OR MAY NOT BE#and if this makes anyone mad @ all then ill just delete it cuz by god i dont need more grief and self hatred !#txt
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i know i talk about formline work a Lot but like
we’re super lucky to have artists creating this artwork today. while being decently widespread in the pacific northwest, between the tragedies imposed upon the PNW communities by settlers - disease, famine, displacement etc - formline art could’ve gone extinct. we’re seeing a resurgence from the lull of art that occurred not even a couple hundred years ago
there’s no question that there’s a lot of cultural recovery that’s underway alongside this resurgence. we’re still reuniting communities with their work as recent as February 2023. nothing hurts an artist [and by proxy, their community] quite like having their work stolen - especially a culturally significant piece.
i just feel super fortunate that despite everything, we have indigenous artists today that share their works with us. this isn’t even limited to PNW art. I’m grateful I can visit a museum, owned by the local indigenous community, where i can explore Plains art in its rightful home. i’m grateful that i get to learn about my neighbours and that they can share their stories and culture on their terms.
tl,dr: idk!! we should celebrate and support and get to know our neighbours better!! thank you artists for sharing your work
#have yall any idea how easily communities couldve just gone:#no fuck you actually you don't Get to look at our work or attend our events#i'd absolutely understand why#we are so so lucky that indigenous communities across canada share their work at all#i promise i enjoy indigenous art a normal amount#i am just very passionate about art#but man if there was a class open to outsiders to learn formline art#i would very much so like to learn
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actually i think one of the things in outsiders that really fucked me up was one of owen's turns of phrase
when magic tricks him and goes into the maze alone, only surviving because he figures out what happened quick enough to follow & rescue her, he tells her that he's never going to stop coming after her (to make sure she's safe, to protect her)
and then after owen's gotten his memories back, he tells apo that he's never going to stop coming after him (to hunt him down, to kill him)
#i am never going to be normal about phrases being repeated with a different meaning#and i think this one especially fucks me up because it really hammers home the difference between owen at his core#(wanting to keep people safe. living to protect. loving his friends so so much hed do anything to keep them alive & happy)#and the person he became as a result of the trauma he experienced and the actions he took and life he led because if it#i think the real tragedy of this character lies in that we see who he couldve been!!! he was Good and he loved so much & tried so hard#but he lost his support system (mostly apo but also rasbi + graecie) and just. never quite learned to trust/rely on the others#because he believed what angel said- he can't show them weakness. theyre counting on him so he has to stay strong for them no matter what#i fully believe that if things had been different he could have overcome his past after remembering. if that support system had been built#i think he wouldve had a chance at least.#and thats the tragedy. he was so caught up in being their rock that they didnt know how to love him and he didnt know how to let them#after apo and angel he didnt let anyone in enough that they couldve changed his mind#so of course no one could save him. he would never have let them#anyway this smp fucked me up real bad. i think it did something to my brain pathways i think theyre realigned#pat.txt
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ted headcanon? hes in love with trent
REAL AND TRUE
#oh my god. oh myfucking god i have so many thoughts about this seriously though 😭😭#why did james lance have to say 'his tragic flaw was the belief that he was unlovable' if not for me to go insane at the thought of ted and#trent being two people that couldve easily fallen inlove because they both felt unlovable. i love when people find love even when they feel#theyre past their 'prime' because theyre middle aged but THATS WHAT MAKES IT SOOOO GOOD LIFE DOESNT END AT 30 FUCK NASTY WITH THE MAN OF UR#DREAMS I SAY!!!!!#i wished and hoped for ted to come out bisexual during s3 and i still stand by that so fucking much. middle aged men kissing and holding#hands please thank YOU#i want the tender-ness of ted and trent both learning to love again. the overwhelming feelings of finding someone who sees through their#walls and kisses their hearts soso softly and sweetly and holds it tight#IS THIS ANYTHING!!!!! IM NORMAL ABOUT TEDTRENT AS U CAN SEE#pn.ask
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man. should rlly start bringing my sketchbook to work
#ramblies#its raining and we work outdoors so ive just been sitting here on my phone for an hour#I JUST WANNA CREATE STUFF#idk WHAT happened (i do know. college happened) but ever since working full time i just itch to create shit all day. ive been having my#best ideas. i get home from a 9 hour day make myself dinner and inmediately draw most days#like its just. an itch. that needs to be scratched. its whatever the opposite of that burnout i used to have wss#like i JUST WANT TO CREATE FREELY. i just want to LEARN. but i have less time now!#im so excited to do the cool shit i have planned for portfolio and open up my shop and revsmp my commissiok website#jm gonna learn so much and get so good and make the BEST fuckjng portfolio snd make so much money#my girlboss era. to be fucking honest.#ive been insanely busy ive barely touched video games in a couple months. im always jsut… doing shit and being alive#for the first time ever! im so tired! but like. its good#like im saving money and im loving creating things and im making such good memories with my friends#we can do someyhing so simple like. go to the park. and its so nice i make core memories bc we just do stupid shit. its magical. its magica#life is so fucking tiring and overwhelming but for the first time i rlly feel like im living and i havent even gotten my own place yet or#anything like that. like ooggh this is the connection i was missing out on#having mixed feelings abt my ‘stay inside and be a gamer’ era bc no doubt that time has fuelled my drive to work like an ox now (i have#something to prove- i light a fire under my own ass) but also i couldve been having these experiences sooner#but not with the same people im with now. so thats okay#i digress. anyways i wanna draw LMFAO#IM GONNA MAKE MONSTER HUNTER STICKERS its gonna be so rad
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Surprisingly I love writing in Suffering's pov but. Fuck am I breaking my own heart ;-;
#rant#mejo writing#so like ive always thought of these scenes from khans pov. and in khans he feels betrayed. it starts up this biased hatred#of ppl like suffering. when with terror hed compartmentalized that hate to jusy One person#with sufferjngs actions? khan decides no one can be trusted or good. royals cant be kind or see him as a person#meanwhile? sufferings fucking pov??? oh my god his heart is shattering hes regretting everything he couldve dome to stop this#hes picking up tje pieces. hes realizing theres no way khan doesnt die. hes realizing he DID#love khan (and khan learned from him TOO well and never let himself love suffering)#and khan has set him up. trapped him and dragged him in to die too. used him in the worst way.#and suffering is trying to reckon with that betrayal. even though he Taught Khan to be this way.#(and its Wild cause i never realized suffering was actually so much like seren. and the manipulative one willing to tr#throw trust away#and a lover away... was actually khan. rven though khan hates dread for it. khan is more like her than he realizes.)#tbf
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currently wondering whether collecting my blades for a group pic would be bad for my tenuous mental health atm
#speculation nation#i was trying to list out all my blades but i have far too many to reasonably do that way#so the natural next step would be to collect them all up for a pic#i havent done that in a while. now is probably not a good time.#like!!!!!!!!!! it's not like i'd be scared of hurting myself on them or anything#my knives are a solid for Cool Factor or Practical Use only. not for bad mental health times#but having a bunch of blades before me might not be the best plan#..but also. also. i kinda really wanna collect all my babies in one place#i dont even know how many i have. i have way too many & it's been several years since ive done a group count#/ picture. and this time i will TRY to not drop my machete on my finger#still sometimes astounded that i managed to drop my machete on my finger point-first and somehow did NOT take a finger off#i was very very lucky it hit the bone rather than the joint. hurt like a bitch and left a scar but couldve been Much worse#uhm. i learned from it though! no more big machete in unidentified boxes#oh yea i forgot my machete is still located in my bed frame. im so used to it i forget i literally sleep next to a machete every night#a naked blade as long as my leg. but i keep it wrapped up with the blade Down so no injuries have occurred!#........ when i talk about this shit like this it makes me astounded no one's tried to stage an intervention#ive only gotten lil knicks from my stupidity so i guess ppl have decided im not That much of a hazard to myself#the machete in the bedframe is just from paranoia anyways. just like my axe on the display case#oh fuck i forgot i own an axe. and a spear. and several swords.#and a CANE SWORD and a fuck ton of pocket knives. guys i own a lot of blades.#this is not stopping my wish to gather them up for a group picture. it's been so long i have forgotten most of what i own. help
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So much work to do but im actually doing it which scares me more than the fact i have work to do and u can tell bc i keep fucking posting like this
#laid out all my sketches i needed.. updated my carrd projects list... finalized art piece.. sketched concept.. studied from art book#fucking insane. insane. so scary so scary.#like idk it is so weird i think being depressed mustve made my adhd so much worse ?? i couldve never done this before#everything is still hard and i have to genuinely push and will myself to even attempt working on anything but like#i have enough will to win and start ? i dont lose my focus as much when im in it and if i do i know to take a break bc im understimulated?#i still forget basic things and to do things a lot but i dont catastrophize about it as much i get upset and then just fix it..#its so weird did i just fucking learn to self regulate??? is that what i was missing this whole time ???????#u get punished for like lacking focus and self regulation and have a defeatist mindset bc doing anything = punishment#but then you break through that fear and just throw yourself in and make yourself do things and u can work WITH the adhd????#my parents fucking scammed me bro imagine if i had been raised and like helped instead of called worthless for everytime i fuck up#WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THIS AT ALMOST 19. STUPID STUPID STUPID#even my old therapists.. oh you have adhd maybe if you just change your diet you will function WOWWW SOOO HELPFUL#HOW DOES THAT HELP ME LEARN TO BE AWARE OF MY SELF AND NEEDS AND REGULATE THEM TO WORK WITH MY MENTAL HANDICAPS HUH. QUICKLY#stupid... i hate every adult in the world you are all useless and do nothing <- is an adult#its so crazy 2 me to function even a little... i guess i learned easily finally bc i self analyze way too much sometimes#but like i genuinely for years predicted id just like. go right back to being majorly suicidal or something in college#bc i could barely handle highschool or getting assignments done#now im meeting deadlines on the reg... like idk. i think it is such a rare and strange and kind of sick feeling#to know like young you would look at you and be surprised or shocked . and its so sad bc like idk.#its like oh i never believed in myself huh. or believed i could have a place in the world and function and be alright#and then u have to grieve all the time you spent never trying bc u didnt think trying without failing was possible like what the hell!!!#crazy...#the gamer speaks uwu
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#i cant . understand why theres so mucb resistance to my brain wanting to let this go lol.#like . take a look at all the facts teal wuick. at what point does this become ridiculous. bc#on one hand . i am ok w wanting nothing to do with him and moving on with my life#but on the other. if i Dont end uo w him ive aomehow sworn off relationships again like#dude . cna u . not . like .#im going to fuck8ng implode or explode or both ! bc i cant fyckinf take this#im getting him banned from my place od work . or the very least. kicked the Fuck Out#if he decides to show up on tuesday and i mean that. fuck off. give me One Night where i can hang out w#ppl i wanns be friends with and attempt to build a connection with. without your shitty irritating presencr haunting my place of work#like . its fuckibg war at this point im done. in over being nice i fucking TRIED . but its gotten me fucking nowhete.#i bit my tongue and its gotteb me nowhere. so . fucm it. harrass me for 3hrs and im going to make ur life hell in whatever way i fucking can#i also odnt care too much to actually do anythung abt it jm hudt irritated as all hell rn.#but i am bent on kicking him out. like .#mostly out of pettiness bc he mentioned that i g9t him yeeted out#and i did. but ut was Once And it was fucmung ages ago. like the first month i was working thete kinda thing.#'who else couldve it have been' i literally admitted to it. im not ashamed to admit tbat i did lol. im ashamed as to WHY but u were#being s dick and i didnt know what to do to work that night .#but . jesus fuck learn how to read !#grow the FUCK up dude. seriously.
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Question: How much of Sailor Moon have I seen?
Facts:
One summer my memaw bought three shows at goodwill: Sailor Moon, the Hercules tv show, and Emperors New School. I watched all three obsessively.
I have DID
Sailor Mercury and Sailor Mars were both in episodes
It was the dub
my ability to 'recognize' parts of the show can not be trusted.
Dubious facts:
All three were on VHS
there was only ONE VHS of Sailor Moon, it was not the first one.
Sailor Jupiter was not present.
I saw the ep with Selena/Usagi in the white dress. Yes, it did fundamentally change me.
New information:
The VHS english dub for Sailor Moon has four eps each. They also seem to be missing eps? To see both Sailor Mercury and Mars I would had to have at least #2. But the White dress ep is on #4? I really really don't think I had more than one. But I guess it's possible?
As I'm writing this I'm remembering more about my feelings about the white dress ep.
There was a DVD of the entire first season of dubbed Sailor Moon available at the time.
The Hercules show was actually a movie, Hercules: Zero to Hero, which is four episodes they spliced together with some clips and released to VHS. It was still really obviously from episodes.
There is no record that I can find of Emperor's New School having been released to VHS or DVD
Possibilities:
I just had #2 and watched the white dress episode somewhere else, randomly, later, with no context.
I had the DVD and not the VHS
It was a bootleg version of Emperor's New School that got donated (what are the ODDS Jesus Christ)
I've never seen the white dress ep and the intense feelings (I'm being vague so I know what this sounds like but i had so much trauma) I have are completely made up from just accidentally seeing a few screen caps while looking for the og VHS.
I only had #4?
I had multiple VHS's of Sailor Moon (unlikely. but possible)
Conclusion:
I had seen at least four eps of Sailor Moon before starting to watch it yesterday.
I'm gonna pretty confidently say that I have seen the white dress ep.
Emperor New School... Exists? and I've seen a few episodes.
At least the Hercules one cleaned up nicely.
#syst#I remembered#before even seeing screen caps like Serena and Tuxedo Mask (who I for some reason called 'the butler'? there was no reason.) somewhere#flying through space and it was really artsy and there were like... flowers? Maybe? idk... but remember that I like tuxedo mask#like usually i didnt like when characters had romances but I was like 0-0. but at the same time for some reason the context around it made#me...... uncomfortable? worried for Serena (who i called Sailor. I was like ten. like i couldve learned their names. there was no reason.)#I didnt even notice the age gap i don't think. which was unusual for me.#I think i was worried that Tuxedo Mask was like... secretly working with the enemy or something. or... i really dont remember the context#but i just remember the whole thing was like. So. like it was like “No! not like this!” or something.#but also i projected hard core onto literally everything i watched and also like couldve totally just somehow picked that up from the scree#cap I saw#and like in the end it really. does not fucking matter does it. like in the long term of my life how much of fucking Sailor Moon i watched#but god does it feel so important#later my mom got me like fucking volume 16 or something from the manga and i would read that over and over i think i had it until highschoo#when i was like “its time to grow up.”#i just remember a panel of Serena crying on her bed because her hair was too long. and like. i think tuxedo mask like... did something.#not to her just in general like in the manga he did something.
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>tried to be ultimate good friend by never talking to ky friends abt my issues because they were too extreme
>now have no one who cares
#this is ENTIRELY my fault#even if they wouldnt have listened to me no matter what i sure couldve sussed that faster and eventually found people who would#sorryy im just after seeing debs pics from people in primary and feel awful upset now that 1) im not going#(self sabotage + insecurity + the whole suicide mindset i still have + no way in fuck would my parents. yeah)#and 2) just not supplementing it w anything ☹️☹️ my friends get to celebrate and be celebrated the world over for doing their leaving +#graduating. its just me and my dear friend not going#i made a vent art thing ages ago abt that NEVERRR to post i would never. but just how neither of us are going debs#but her family wouldve killed to have her go and now she never can. and how im not going out of choice#and how awful i am for not taking opportunity while im alive and shes not#but. nothing will ever like make me feel happy. as im learning#this summer has really been me coming to terms w the fact i do have depression and just will never be ‘happy’ as a default#will never. be able to do things#im Sick is what i am. its lit a sickness#and treating it likethat instead of fighting it might unfortunately be the realistic and rational and best way forward#which is very embarrassing for me and so hard to accept because ive always been a Fi. no i Was a fighter#and then she passed away i just crumbled lol. im still not half the person i used be#i used likeeee strive for greatness. because its all i could do and i had to fight for a better life as a gay person as someone w a rough#fam. but then she died and nooothing was ever worth it again. whats the point if people can just die so suddenly#she deserved so so so much. the world like#sorry debs just makes me think of her. of course it would like#.. can i hust be evil now and say i wish my friends wouldve. wanted me to come#THEYRE NOT MY FRIENDS ! i have this sorted. this has been established.#i need ro get over that. or rathee have them stop coming to ky mind#im talking
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my favorite past time is “was all of this for nothing?” where i take what little of the language im learning and try and shittily translate something to myself.
this time it didnt go to bad! i actually could decipher(?) some characters!
kinda proud i didnt have to stop and think
#谢 will always ALWAYS be one of my most hated ones.#i could reconize ir but i think thats bc of how much i had to practice bc it KILLED ME#srsly i STRUGGLED (praying i dont forgor it again)#its called ‘was all of this for nothing’ purely bc of how many times ive tried to learn languages only to fail 😭#(by fail i mean lime give up)#((Cough coufg FUCK DUOLINGO its shit. i wish years back i couldve seen that. i wasted SO much time))#((ESPECIALLY WHEN IT TOOK LIKW 2 GOOGLE SCEARCHES TO FIND FREE CLASSES THAT ARENT ABSOLUTELY SHIT))#((ok maybe rhe mp3s arent the best but i can still understand whats being said.))#((speaking of i really need to do that fuck. uhhhh i mean i dont plan on finishing the sewing tonightttt soooo))#(((thatd code for “i dont wanna finish sewing bc i started because i didnt wanna draw))) alr ill shut up now
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abt to fall back asleep but man. thinking way too hard abt the kind of person i used to be and the way it was doing nothing but hurting me and everyone around me and how hard its been to find any semblance of worth in myself since i made such a drastic change
#i cant go back and i dont WANT to go back but god. at least i was good for something. sometimes.#instead of being whatever this is all the time#idk!!!! i used to be useful. and i wasnt the best at it but i tried and realistically at this point in my life.#i probably couldve learned a lot and tried harder and gotten so much better at it#maybe i finally wouldve learned to stop hurting people while still being good for them#but no i was just bad at it and hurt a lot of people and now ive abandoned it as completely and thoroughly as i can manage#and i STILL dont know who i want to be instead. theres One thought in my mind and it feels completely unobtainable#a distant wistful thought even though i KNOW its technically possible im just too much of a coward to follow through#god idek why im thinking abt all of this#maybe my physical health rn is just. fucking up my mental wellbeing more than i thought. ugh#alyalyoxenfree
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if me not being fake nice all the time is the reason ppl generally avoid me then whatever. id rather not walk around with a liar as a face.
#omigosh janet thats so good thats happening for you !!!!!!!! my many exclamation points dont totally make it seem like im joking#being fake nice means you can never be direct which means all communication is passive aggressive.#and i really dont have time for that shit#im like very done with passive aggressive people. if youve got afucking issue fucking say it you bitchmade motherfucker#its why i cant be around Certain types of gays.#like its all drama LITERALLY just bc no one can be direct with one another. lmao.#and it looks so fucking solvalbe to me all the time and no one ever wants to hear it like dawg#you HAVE to communicate your issues w people otherwise it builds up into reset=ntment.#but then the problem w these types of gay friend groups is since no one is direct- when you're the first to be direct they decide its you#being an asshole when its like... im literally saying the thing you're too much of a bitch to say to the person..... stfu...#anyways im over the catty bitches sorry.#me when i think never speaking up about wanting food will get me fed#and then being passive aggressive in secret group chats about it#when i couldve fuckin said something.#its the reason these friend groups fall apart ALLLLL the time.#a. bc usually they're the type of friend groups that just really loooove finding people within it to secretly hate and slowly ostracize#till they leave. but also because if any of them actually DO learn how to communicate-#they're all gonna realize they actually fucking hate eachother and only hangout bc theyre the only queer ppl you know in your town#that actually tolerates you.#so you'd rather hang out with these miserable ass ppl you dont even really like than be alone.#and personally i cant bring myself to do that.#i really do think id rather be alone than be around ppl i dont like or relate to in any way.
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