#i couldnt do public school so i went to a private one

[serpentsandsecrecy]

why doesnt my brain work :(

[bestlilithian]

The lilithian experience (lilith dominant chart)

Personal experiences w having heavy lilith influence

- Older people being creepy subtly or overtly, but usually subtly with certain looks or touches or comments, especially strangers in public or distant family friends

- Being told Im scary or intimidating, or that I look mean (a girl once told me she thought I wouldnt want to hang out w her and her friends because I looked 'too pretty and kinda mean') [this is esp w lilith/asc harsh aspects]

- Lilith square asc culture is walking into a room a little pissed or in a hurry and everyone shutting up (also works for mars/pluto)

- Now Ive never heard anyone else talking about this but as a lilithian woman Ive always been disgusted by the idea of having sex with a man because in our culture a woman who has sex w a man is seen as having been dominated and degraded by him ("I fucked her" "I hit that" "I scored") also the act itself is very power struggle-ish like no *I* want to bend over a man and make him suck *my* dick

- Ive also noticed a lot of lilithian women are lesbians (including me <3) , might deal w lots of comphet tho

- Being hyperaware of people looking at you (even if youre dressed extremely modestly or without makeup)

- Lilith/moon aspects 🤝 your mom making inappropriate comments about you and your body

- Lilith/sun aspects 🤝 your father insulting you or making weird comments (more subtle w soft aspects so you might brush it off but its still not okay girl)

- People thinking youre flirting with them or others (esp men) but youre just hot and talking, and you cant help that ppl have strong reactions to anything you say really

- Loving eye contact <3 (w the right people)

- Lilith square saturn culture is not being afraid to stand up to authority <3 and having to quite often because they have a pick on you and try to tear you down

- also w lilith square/opposite saturn grown ass adults will have beef w you when youre a kid, esp those w authority over you like teachers, coaches etc

- Lilith/asc harsh aspects and overthinking whether a fit is too revealing or not (because you dont want to get harassed and looked at again) (but then youll grt harassed even if you go out in a priests suit so 🤩)

- People (esp men) trying to use you for sex

- Always being the one guys want to be friends w benefits with while theyre crushing on another girl

- "I dont like what you do to me" - most men Ive interacted with for a while

- A guy told me he liked me for who I am but he couldnt stand "the effect I have on him"

- lilith in 4th house culture is attracting men w mommy issues and being looked at by guys in relationships

- lilith/mercury and needing to know all your friends bdsm test results

- People liking when youre mean 2 them

- People who hate you often want to have sex w you

- Ive had so many guys in my class literally have to gather up courage to talk 2 me, even for basic things like asking me to help w something, they approach me looking all tense and worked up like Ill slice their head off for asking me to help them with their math lmao

- A classmate (and friend, apparently) of my friend once didnt want to come out and meet me when I went to my friends school to give her something because she thought Id beat her up (for context I found out she said some nasty things to my friend and was not happy about it)

- Being told by ppl (esp men) that I remind them of characters who are villains

- People esp girls not liking me for no reason or being rude

- Guys in relationships being extremely cold and rude to me or even shittalking me to their gfs (you can guess why)

- People trying to 'put you in your place'

- Recognizing other lilithians immediately

- Being insecure about your private parts, your body in general and your appearance

- Sex obsession since a young age

- Sexual harassment unfortunately

[a-certain-romance]

housewife anon without house wofe content for once shocking fr!!

so ill write multiple women cuz…multiple women and im horny and ugh i lvoe women

kay so…ahahahaem let us begin

fuck buddies to lovers senario with streamer!hu tao

hu tao was an amazing streamer to say the very least so you had to send her gifts and chats daily you were there from the very beginning so there was no surprise as to why hu tao contacted you and gave a breif smile and you guys started talking online only to then realise you guys live nearby eachother

so instead of being upfront with your feelings hu tao suggested one thing.

“hey so-“

“Dont worry lets do..ah thats right porn together! you and i wont have to show pur faces!”

well that was up front…you thought but you went for it after all anything for your favourite!! and so from then on you guys fucked yet you were still friends only till a drunken stream where she fucked you senseless with a giant strap letting your cum gush onto hu taos dick did you say the words “i love you.” hu tao wont forget..Sadly you will due to the hangover and nearly passing out moment.

public shaming w yae

i lovebeb her

yae would make you cockwarm her infront of all the attendees at the shrine in all honesty you couldnt belive it when she asked you to do so…but who are you to refuse your loving girlfriend afterall this you get praised and kissed as onlookers watch you stomach buldge and all taking yae getting getting praised for it. some would kill to be in your spot

After all she is the wise and beautiful miko who wouldnt want to be dick filled by her or praised or degraded by her just for a second.

“Seems like your stomach looks like it needs a break dear..”

“mh..im fine.”

“suit yourself.” she chuckles back leaving soft bite marks on your neck and now fondling your chest…is she gonna do it now? atleast you wont have your stomach churrning and yearning no longer

shenhe and finger sucking w cryo!!

shenhe covering her fingers with cryo while your getting pounded is so hard to divulge in after all the sweat is getting you yet shenhe is here to rescue you by shoving her cold cold fingers down your throat letting you suck and bite them as another hand grasps on what little clothing shenhe is wearing too

“hm. Your tempature is getting better maybe i can go-“

“no.”

well suit yourself now shes going slow and wont stop going slow afterall your body was weakening under her touch

and finally breeding with ei

when ei is finally annoyed at your antics and bratty behaviour her shogun side comes along to help her fuck you sensless and all slutty for her

“Your quite tight, You better stop being bratty or it will be worse next time.”

Honestly you liked those odds since she didnt care about taking it slow she wanted to pound you and dominate you till your body fell apart. You had to take all her cum or she would plow 10 times more you leaked out till her balls dropped

honestly it was fun she put you in diffrent posistions atleast!!

-housewife anon

These hearts adore

A/N: Omg loving streamer!hu Tao?? I wrote some little drabbles for each. Apologies for the lack of updates school recently started for me.

Characters/Ships: Hu Tao, Yae Miko, Shenhe, & Ei x reader (separate)

Warnings: Smut & Suggestive content written by a minor, exhibition (Hu Tao & Yae Miko, toys (Hu Tao), Strap ons (Hu Tao) Characters with cocks (Yae Miko & Ei), temperature play (Shenhe), finger sucking (Shenhe), brat taming (Ei), breeding (Ei)

It’s safe to say the first time you tuned in on Deceased_Walnut you fell in love. Maybe not head-over heels in love, but you were most definitely intrigued by the morbidly energetic brunette behind the screen. Gifting her chats and subs for the past few weeks was how she noticed and reached out to you. Hu Tao is a small streamer. But even so, the majority of your talks were through private messages. Until you realized the lack of distance, and nowadays you’re almost inseparable!

But there was also something off about her. Hu Tao tends to be flaky with her plans. Sometimes when you set up a meeting, she might text you an apology about not being able to make it. She uses different excuses each time

You sighed as your phone lit up with a paragraph of a message. Without much else to do, you took this as a night to scroll through nsfw livestreams on a separate site. It was there that you came across a familiar face.

Hu Tao’s regular channel pales in comparison to what she was streaming on this platform. Who knew someone like her uploads porn in her free time? When you found her other channel you remained a lurker at first. She wasn’t so different from how you already saw her, same teasing attitude and all. Despite wearing a special type of mask, you can tell who she without a second glance.

After a few days of watching in stunned silence did you make your appearance known. Hu Tao was doing a special where her subscribers ordered her around. She was fucking herself dumb with a wand while members in the chat were competing to choose the modes. Seeing those glossy eyes cross in pleasure finally convinced you to step out of the shadows: and so you gifted her a bit of money to demand she turn it up to the highest setting. And lucky for you, she zeroed in on your username. Hu Tao would laugh, wink at the screen, and say something along the lines of “this one’s for you!” before making a complete mess on the toy.

She was the first to contact you after stream. Surprisingly, there aren’t many who find her from her regular channel because of how she hides her face. When you met up in person for the first time after that, you guys still got along great. She became more flirty with you, giving you the cheesiest compliments and pick up lines her brain can conceive at any given moment.

The first time you two fucked was after one of her streams. It was a stressful day for her, and she needed a way to destress. She joked about you taking her to bed but then you made that a reality by eating her out. It became the start of your friends-with-benefits situation.

After some time, she proposed the idea of you joining her on stream. The chat only knows you by your username and how hot you look next to Hu Tao.

“Aiya, squirming away makes it less fun! Back me up, chat?” Messages flood through with all types of lewd responses.

“Tie her up so she can’t escape”

“50 bucks she squirts before you bottom out”

“What a whore she is for getting off from this”.

You’re too fucked out to notice the rest. But you’re close enough to Hu Tao to see her face light up at one of the responses. Your head falls to her shoulder. All it takes is that devilish look in her eye before you know what happens next.

Most would not associate the word “night life” following by a shrine. But to the residents of Inazuma, Yae Miko has rebirthed an old tradition with a new face. Aka yours. As dirty as it seems, you’re held in high regard for being showcased as Yae Miko’s newest plaything.

The guji is very particular with who she picks for this “special role”. So much so that most people considered the practice to have to have died out entirely. So for you to be hand plucked from a sea of admirers was an honor. And you happened to be the first in a very long time.

Miko cared for you as a true lover did. Your relationship outside of this role is as thriving as most couples are. She is always one to dote on you for for no particular reason (when she’s with you, does she even need one?). But being with her involves a catch: Showing off your body to the eyes of others.

In addition to the entrance fee, others pay good money to catch a glimpse at the finest Inazuma has to offer. Most times, they can tip off donations to the shrine if they’re watching something they like. It was its own business venture. And Yae Miko, ever the entrepreneur, wanted to reap its benefits now that she has such a willing participant.

“Dearest, it’s important that you put on a good show for our audience. There’s a lot of influential people who came to see you up close”

As is the majority of the crowd, Miko is entirely infatuated with you. At the start of the night, her hands delicately untied your silk robe and watched your breasts fall free with glazed eyes. Her back is almost always turned to the audience. Every time she thrusted her pale shaft into you, your eyes would lock with a stranger in the crowd. And if you tried to look away, Miko would force your chin over her shoulder to stay watch for a second longer.

“Look at her whine, isn’t she cute?” She coos, “Now, be a perfect doll for me and spread those legs of yours wider”

Temperature play is something that always gets a rise out of Shenhe.

After some time of dating, your amazement with her ability to weird both her polearm and Cryo vision led you to observing her adepti training. You’d sit to watch her practice all sorts of skillful maneuvers with the ease and precision of someone twice her age. For someone who isn’t very experienced in combat, her skills fascinated you.

Shenhe offers to teach you some of the things she’s learned. “For your protection” she argues. But maybe she wants another excuse to keep her hands on you more often. It’s hard not to focus on the coldness of her hands as she moves your hips into the correct form. No matter the reason, you’ve taken to sparing with Shenhe once you have the basics down.

It’s times like these under the hot Liyuan sun that would always have you working up a sweat. And your loving, thoughtful girlfriend wants to help you cool down in the best way she knows how. Your body is hot; she controls ice. It’s not rocket science. The solution lies in those cold hands of hers as she shoves 3 fingers down your throat while 3 more are seconds away from making you cum for the nth time. Between your legs is a wet mess dripping down your thighs.

So as Shenhe finger fucks into your core she shoves her Cryo-coated fingers down your throat, she kisses your stuffed cheek. You were thirsty after all. Maybe this should suffice? Shenhe knows that water is necessary when preforming under harsh conditions. But she doesn’t know why she prefers having your mouth on her instead.

Shenhe can second guess herself sometimes. She doesn’t know how long to do this for before you’ve had enough. How is she supposed to decipher those gagging noises you make when she’s knuckle deep in you? Perhaps she could summon her Cryo Spirit to help her out.

It’s rare for anyone to go against the Shogun and live to tell their tale. Every citizen in Inazuma fears the infliction of her wrath. And yet, you were still none the wiser, thinking that being her lover grants some kind of immunity. Ei would undoubtedly never hurt you unless you asked by any means unless for punishment but there are some actions that need to be punished. Actions, that need to tame a brat such as yourself.

Ei takes you to the plane of Euthimiya and it’s there when you know went too far. She could punish you in her personal quarters, her throne room even. But no. In the plane of Euthimiya, Ei holds all the cards. And this time, she won’t stop until you’ve milked her down to the very last drop.

Her godhood only adds to her stamina. The positions are the best part! Of all the ways she can fill you up, Ei likes having you on your side with your leg lifted up. That way, she can perfectly see both your expression and her cum leaking out of you. Seeing your eyes screw shut makes her wanna pump you full.

Though her goal was to reprimand your behavior, Ei couldn’t help but get addicted to the sight of your slick making a mess on the sheets. “So tight, see how your body stretches to accommodate my size~”

With every thrust you take her all the way to the hilt. Her balls slap against your thighs every time she pushed in. Ei bends over your body to kiss and suckle at your neck, “I could stay like this for an eternity…”

It does make her wonder, how many loads can you take until you’re carrying her child? Everything in this dimension is at her disposal, and she happens to have plenty of time to find out. The only limit is how much it takes before you beg her to stop.

[sad--tree]

u kno things r bad when i start Seriously Considering a certain career path heavily suggested 2 me in my Youth that i had since sworn off lol help

[theoreticslut]

hi!! can I request headcannon about George dating a Slytherin reader? (she/her pronouns) with nsfw and fluff included. Thank u <3

Of course! Thank you for the request! I didn’t get too far into the nsfw, but I hope you still like it! ♥

George dating a Slytherin;

-the relationship started off a bit rocky, since George had come to believe slytherins to be evil

-upon meeting you, however, his beliefs were thoroughly flipped upside down

-he loved how sneakily (& blatantly) intelligent you were

-you took no shit, but you weren’t necessarily confrontational about it like he thought you’d be

-instead you used your cunningness to help him plan brilliant pranks

-you also held a reputation of being a good, responsible student

-which meant, with you, he could get away with so much more in pranks

-throughout your guys’ first year (& occasional detentions) where you planned & executed pranks together he found himself falling for you 

-you spent that first summer exchanging letters at least twice a week

-in which you learned more and more about each other

-he started to fall for you more

-but he was reluctant to share this with his family knowing their opinions on slytherins

-he didn’t want to upset them, or hurt you any

-so he kept it on the downlow for the summer

-as soon as you boarded the train for your guys’ second year though he was seeking you out

-you spent the first 3 & 1/2 years of school being friends and growing closer

-it wasn’t until you were hanging out together in the gryffindor common room over christmas holiday that the two of you shared your feelings

-unsurprisingly (since his family was far more likely to shar their feelings) george admitted his feelings for you first

-when you told him you felt the same for him that was it

-he was yours and you were his

-he loved spoiling you with attention

-which definitely earned some snickering from his brothers and your housemates

-but the two of you couldn’t care less

-you never had been, and never would be, one of the rich, stuck-up slytherins that only care about “blood purity”

-you loved george and nothing would stop you from showing that

-hence why you happily let him spend time in your common room regardless of your housemates side-eye glares & vice versa

-your favourite place to be, however, was the room of requirement

-which you two had happened upon one afternoon when you wanted somewhere to just be alone

-it quickly became your go-to spot for most everything

-movie nights? room of requirement

-”fancy” date nights? room of requirement

-someplace private for spicy time? room of requirement

-you used it for spicy time far more than anything else lets be honest

-the room knew when to soundproof bc george knew exactly what he was doing when it came to you

-not to mention the certain...surprises it offered when the two of you wanted to experiment

-beside how great george is in the bedroom

-he is also great in public

-he happily gives you his sweaters to wear anywhere at anytime

-especially at quidditch games!

-he loves looking down at the crowd to see you cheering for him in his clothes

-shortly afer you started dating, he introduced you to the family

-which (thankfully) went rather smoothly given the fact they all knew you two were friends by the middle of 2nd year

-honestly, your relationship couldnt have been better given how you two started as friends

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

Been reading a lot of twitter fics recently and its got me thinking how the Avengers would actually use twitter

(written by someone who has never had a twitter lol)

Bruce — i feel like he wouldnt even have a twitter and if he did its because Tony set one up for him. He either never touches it or its on private

Tony — being a celebrity and all i feel like Pepper or someone else was responsible for the majority of his account. And then he actually got into twitter and started posting whatever he wanted. He's not actually all that active on it. Still has a massive following though

Steve — used to pretend he didnt know how it worked when Tony made him a account. He has periods of lots of activity mixed with periods of no activity. He says a lot of political stuff but the majority of his content is everyday stuff. His most popular content is whenever he tweets about learning something basic or watching a old classic. Has a massive following

Natasha — Tony also made her a account but being a spy and all she never uses it. Whenever she does come on its to embarrass or bully her teammates. Massive following

Clint — has a private account and that was only to stay in touch with his family while he was working at SHIELD. Tony couldnt find it because his account and his family's accounts were under fake names so Tony made him a account with everyone else. He only has like five original tweets and the rest are retweets. Is one of those people who's on all the time but never actually presses the like button. Has a large following solely because he happens to be a superhero

Thor — the only Avenger other than Tony to have already had a twitter (Jane and Darcy helped set it up). He knows how it works but doesnt quite grasp when he should use it. He'll try and tweet when he's off-world and doesnt understand that its not posting. He has a phone but he doesnt carry it around with him so pretty much all of his actually working twitter activity comes from him on a ipad on the couch because he's bored in the middle of day because everyone he knows has a job or something. His tweets either make sense or they dont. Has a massive following anyways

Alright now that the mains are out of the way lets talk about the others

Peter Parker — definitely has two or three accounts. His Peter account is private and his Spidey account is public. His third is either a Peter account May doesnt know about or a "intern" account where he can post about stuff that happens with the Avengers when he's not in the suit (so the Avengers don't figure out who he is and his school friends dont know he actually hangs out with the Avengers). His private account is normal high school aged twitter user stuff, Spidey account is mostly just public announcements but he does Q and As pretty frequently, and the Intern account is a lot like Natasha's in the sense its almost exclusively embarrassing content of or light bullying of the Avengers. Spidey has a massive following and Intern has a large amount. Theres a lot of controversy over whether the Intern account is real despite Tony Stark saying it is because all Stark employees have to sign a form saying they won't talk about what happens at work on any social platforms

Rhodey — uses twitter like a normal person. He didnt have that big a following until he got a suit. He debated turning his account private but decided not to. He does use his account as a platform occasionally

Bucky — he's like Steve, it took him a while to get into it but when he's on it he'll be on it all day. Has the same types of tweets/tweet ratio as Steve. Has no trouble embarrassing Steve online. A large following, almost entirely made of Captain America fans

Sam — a normal person twitter. Sometimes he posts about Steve or the other Avengers and thats gotten him a lot of followers

Dr. Strange — has a twitter but is never on it

Wong — has a private twitter with more followers then Strange. Will never let Strange know he has a twitter

Scott — Luis made him a twitter to help distract him after he got out of prison. He has like 15 followers but posts like he has 1.5 million followers. Really wants to make a Ant-Man account

Hope — has a twitter but for work

Hank — has a twitter but doesnt use it

Luis — a normal person twitter

Shuri — only one from Wakanda to have a Twitter. She has a lot of fun knowing people cant stop her and don't know she's talking about them (cough T'Challa cough). Im not sure if she's using her real name though. When the outreach program begins (i forgot what it was called) she makes several accounts for it

Fury — does not have a twitter

Maria — was only allowed a twitter to monitor the Avengers. Posts a few "normal" things to make the account look real (especially after SHIELD went down)

Carol — does not have a twitter. Enjoys looking at tweet screenshots though

Shaun — a normal person twitter. Private account

Katy — a normal person twitter

Did i forget anyone? I feel like im forgetting someone. Many if this gets some notes i'll do a TikTok account one

EDIT: I FORGOT WANDA AND VISION AHHHHH

Wanda — has a private account because she's smart and values privacy (also scared of public disapproval (i.e. CA:CW)). Was thinking of going public because all the Avengers (minus Bruce but he's not around) have public accounts but Clint recommended she wait till she was adult to get a public account if she wasnt sure about it now. She posted a lot of justice and political stuff when she was in Sokovia

Vision — Actually made himself a account because he wanted to feel included. Does not need a phone to tweet he can do it "mentally".

[springfieldblues]

my long ass review for S32E03 Now Museum, Now You Don’t

warning: LONG because i rambled about history more than i thought i would

id been looking forward to this one because i like art history, especially after seeing how they tried their best to stick to historical accuracy in the previous episode I, Carumbus. this time however….they didnt try that hard. i dont know why i thought theyd go through that sort of trouble again LMAO

but its okay, i dont really expect the simpsons to be the paragon of historical accuracy or anything. especially in anthology episodes told through a particular character's lens (in this case, lisa, whos already feverish so whatever)

first i just wanna say that this is, i guess, less of a review and more of an accidental list of history fun facts. so im just gonna get my general thoughts out of the way first.

the episode was fun! to me at least haha. i mean it got me to think and do a lot of research on my own so that must count for something. besides a couple of really weird ones, the jokes were good. anthology episodes tend to be….not that good but i thought this one was one of the better ones so far. idk.

anyway on to lisanardo da vinky its the renaissance! jesus christ the italian accents in the beginning of this segment were annoying as hell but i also feel like that was the joke lmao. ill be real i kind of tuned out for a second there when grampa started rambling so idk what he said.

i told myself i wouldnt get nitpicky with historical accuracy if the jokes were funny (final edit: so that was a lie) but this meh bit with the pizza guys and mascots was really not worth ignoring the fact that its impossible for italy to have any tomato-based food in the 15th century (tomatoes were brought to europe from the americas in the 16th century, and pizza as we know it today—flatbread, cheese, tomato—originated in the late 18th century)

oh this next part was kind of legit tho. lisanardo, like the real leonardo, became andrea del verrochio's apprentice at his workshop. i loved this next bit:

"Whoever paints the sweetest cherub will have the honor of having MY name signed on their work. That's what great artists do!"

SO YEAH as it turns out, lisanardo painted the sweetest cherubs. the painting here is called The Baptism of Christ, and the real leonardo assisted verrochio in finishing it. specifically, he painted the cherubs in the corner.

this causes verrochio to quit and go someplace with less talented people: a music school (yes, verrochio did quit painting after getting owned by young leo and his mad angel painting skills. he never did anything with music tho, he was more of a sculptor)

alongside lisanardo, in mr largo-verrochio's workshop we have barticelli (botticelli bart), dolphatello (donatello dolph), ralphael (raphael...ralph) and mediocrito (no one that i know of. sorry milhouse) (and kearney i guess but they dont refer to him by name). botticelli and donatello are said to have also been apprentices at verrochio's workshop, but raphael came a couple of decades later so he couldnt have been there. and donatello was too old so that claim is a bit questionable. but anyway

it IS true that leonardo's peers envied him, to the point where he was anonymously and purposefully accused of being gay (a major crime punishable by death in 15th century florence) while he was still working at verrochio's workshop

we are then treated by what im pretty sure is the fourth time the show has used 'at seventeen' by janis ian, this time sung by a dejected lisanardo (man they really do keep making yeardley sing these days huh) who only wishes to be appreciated and not envied.

"I'll show them all! I'll show them all in a secret diary that no one will decipher for 400 years!"

some of lisanardo's future inventions. who wouldve known

so after barticelli, for some reason (revenge??? or something?? what was his plan here idgi) steals lisanardo's diaries full of blueprints of her inventions and takes them to mr burns who i have to assume is pope alexander VI here, they decide to use her inventions for war.

"With these, we can kill the most evil people in the world!! ....Slightly different Christians."

leo actually did this of his own accord. im surprised this is what they decided to do with lisanardo instead of talking about leo's love of nature and vegetarianism (not a single mention of that in this episode? come on...) then again, trying to do good only to end up indirectly making things worse is a very standard lisa storyline. i guess they didnt want to miss the chance to have evil pope burns (very fitting, especially for that era since they were all about money and controlling the people)

so lisanardo decides to leave for france, unlike the real leonardo who was more or less persuaded by his ultimate fanboy king francis I to move to france.

"Lisanardo, I have many questions. Why are you hitting yourself? A nerd says 'what'? And how is it possible that I am rubber and you are glue? Et cetera, et cetera."

that line may seem a little random, like hes just nelson saying nelson things (and i mean, obviously he is) but the real francis also "had an unquenchable thirst for learning, and Leonardo was the world’s best source of experimental knowledge. He could teach the king about almost any subject there was to know, from how the eye works to why the moon shines." so yeah, he did have many questions and lisanardo, finally being appreciated for her intellect, was happy to answer them all. its very interesting how lisa assigned this role to nelson in her retelling of da vinci’s life :^)

and so she lived the rest of her days in france, nat king cole's 'mona lisa' plays because duh, and they make a da vinci code reference because duh. and the segment ends. and not a single time did they show the actual mona lisa painting. the fuck?

(ngl i was fully expecting bart to say 'leonardo da vinky' for a second here)

so this next segment is about french impressionist painters, most likely the batignolles group, a name adopted by the early representatives of impressionism. its much more vague than the lisanardo segment since no one here is referred to by name (except moe, more on him in a sec) but i dont feel like it really matters in this case. bart is prrrrooobably claude monet but its hard to say, this segment is kind of a mish-mash of a lot of things. also i gotta say i really liked how lisa introduced the story to bart with an 'if you hate the formal study of art' and not 'if you hate art' because thats exactly my headcanon. i LOVE the concept of artist bart and whenever its referenced it just makes perfect sense to me.

anyway the segment opens in 1863 at the école des beaux-arts (back then it was actually known as the académie des beaux-arts), preserver of traditional french art styles. skinner reviews his students’ paintings one by one. praises the plain, unimaginative paintings depicting your typical european countryside landscapes. very run-of-the-mill (haha get it...cuz theres….a windmill) (although the real académie didnt approve of such basic stuff, they wanted artists to draw epic historical and mythological scenes) then he gets to barts painting and he gives him an F- because the painting made him think.

(the paintings in this scene arent real famous paintings as far as i know but they are inspired by real paintings enough to get the point across)

in comes barney dressed as bacchus as a model for the students to sketch, which i just loved:

barney: “You prefer robe open or robe off?” skinner: “Just cover your privates with this walnut shell.” barney: “Whoa!!! So roomy!”

skinner gasps in horror at bart’s sketch, which “looks nothing like him” and bart explains that “it shouldn’t; we’re making the art that we feel because we can’t compete with a camera.” damn, you go bart. take that, realism. draw what you feel!!

(also no, you didnt need to hold still for 17 hours for a daguerreotype. 30 min tops.)

nelson haw-haw of the week: FOIE-gras!

so here they are at the moulin rouge (“enjoy it before baz luhrmann ruins it” hey shut up. i love that movie), which wouldnt be built for another 26 years, but it is the most widely known gathering place for bohemians in the public consciousness so i can understand why they went with the moulin. nelson delivers this anachronistic line:

“This époque keeps getting beller and beller!”

which alludes to la belle époque, the golden age of france usually dated from 1880 to 1914. made me snort so ill let that slide

and heres moe! as henri de toulouse-lautrec, who was actually born a year after the year this segment is set in. yo moe szyslak he was just 1

toulouse-moetrec introduces himself as the chronicler of the demimonde (not an actual job). an iconic figure associated with the moulin rouge (largely due to his affinity for alcohol and prostitutes), toulouse-lautrec was also a painter, having illustrated a series of posters for the moulin himself. he simply had to be in this segment, anachronisms be damned, just because they decided to include the moulin. cant have one without the other.

and yes he did have a walking cane where he kept his liquor.

i love how everyone drinks absinthe in this place. theyre bohemians what else would they drink

toulouse-moetrec points out that barts paintings are the greatest thing hes ever seen (and hes seen like five things!) and that hes a genius. milhouse realizes that they should stop doing what the teacher says and use their own minds to instead...start doing what bart says lmao. to the easels!

next we have skinner hyping up chalmers about the art his students made for the salon de paris, an art exhibition that the emperor of france will attend. he assures him that none of these paintings will encourage debate, provoke thought or be out of place at a dentist’s office. when they unveil the art, theyre both SHOCKED at how scandalous the paintings actually are.

this reaction was kind of accurate. impressionism was severely rejected at the salon de paris, due to paintings not looking finished enough to them, they thought they were ugly and vulgar for depicting nudity in a contemporary setting (historical and mythological nudity was fine). these impressionist paintings were sent to the salon de refusés, which is. yeah. the place where they sent the rejects. the salon de refusés does not make an appearance but this scene makes a reference to it when the artists get expelled from the royal salon. also:

“What about our student loans?” “Oh they’ll be refunded. We are not barbarians, I mean, come on.”

(god if only)

so the painters are down because they want the emperor to actually see their paintings. toulouse-moetrec pipes in once again with an idea.

“There is one thing the emperor loves more than anything.” “France?” “No, he hates France.”

apparently the emperor really loves cheese, which makes sense since its napoleon III (who loved cheese) and homer (who loves cheese.) so the painters roll into the salon inside a giant wheel of cheese (obviously.) as lenny said, “Eh, you know French cheese. Very runny.” napoleon III chases after the wheel into a room, where the wheel falls apart after getting chomped on by the emperor. now that they got his attention, the painters proudly show the emperor their impressionist art, which he couldnt be more indifferent about because he just wants to eat his cheese dammit, and he awards them with the royal medallion just to kind of get them out of his way. skinner immediately starts kissing ass (as he does) until marge’s like ‘hey wait a minute. you expelled these students from the royal salon’ and an executioner immediately starts ominously measuring skinners neck.

“Uh, sir...is your tongue sticking out because you’re dead or because you’re mad at me?”

and thats the end of that lmao (gore in this episode, gore in the last episode, and next week we’re getting gore too cuz its THOH, what the hell is goin on)

we get a short intermission with maggie, who wants a story for her too! lisa tells her that renaissance artists loved to put babies in their paintings, especially baby angels.

here she is showing her The Triumph Of Galatea by raphael:

King David Playing The Harp by peter paul reubens:

and a very simplified version of pretty much any depiction of hell by hyeronimus bosch lmao:

not much else to say about this one, really. but i really liked that sky!

the last segment is about frida kahlo and diego rivera. or as bart puts it ‘the one about a fat guy whos wife is too good for him.’ i was REALLY looking forward to this one because i love frida and i thought itd be a cool opportunity for animators to go bonkers and do really cool shit with her art as inspiration…..but the segment is not about frida, its about diego and his selling out to capitalism. and its also yet another story with homer and marge drama. no funky cool animation here. sigh i guess i’ll take it

the story begins in 1929 at la casa azul, frida’s home (now museum dedicated to her life and work.) frida and diego are getting married. this courtyard definitely did not look this way yet back in 1929. also theres something very cringy yet funny about lovejoy saying spanish words the way he does, i honestly cant decide how i feel about that one

the writers know theyre being cringy with their gringoness so they go along with it.

moe: “Spanish for ‘best wishes’!” mel: “Spanish for ‘congratulations’!” bumblebee man: “Spanish for ‘muy bueno’!”

OH YEAH BUMBLEBEE MAN this is his new voice actor, eric lopez! hes not mexican but its still great to finally have a latino actor voicing a latino character and hes very excited to be part of the show so i hope to hear more of him!! im rooting for him

el barto/zorro makes an appearance which i am very confused about. he has jack shit to do with frida and diego and mexico in the 20s-30s. el zorro was set in the spanish california of the early 19th century. their use of the original theme song makes me think they just wanted to flex their disney privileges tbh

lets not talk about that that whole scene was bad

anyway diego announces he and frida are going to new york, without even asking her first. frida is obviously pissed.

“Don’t worry, as a woman, you’ll be treated with much more respect in America.”

so in new york, diego is having a bit of a business meeting with mr burns as one of the members of the rockefellers, who is commissioning him to draw a mural for the rockefeller center. its kinda funny how he refers to him and frida as socialists even though they were very much communists lmao its okay you can say it. ok so far, but then frida says ‘yes, we hate the capitalists! right now, a young socialist is being born who will take them down! mr. bernie sanders. i hope hes quick about it’ and that was a simple enough joke and couldve been left at that but then its immediately followed by this weird as fuck family guy-esque cutaway gag to bernie as a baby:

“Getting a cootie shot should not cost your lunch money. And if you don’t listen to me, listen to the Bernie Babies! What? Everybody’s got goons.” *larger babies start beating up this other baby* “I disavow that, and welcome it.”

this confused me so much that i had to ask one of my american friends to help me understand, but even she was like ‘uhhh yeah thats a weird joke,’ especially now that hes been out of the race for months (then again these episodes take almost a year to produce. i guess they couldnt be bothered to replace it with something more relevant.) whatever that was weird and confusing and unfunny moving on

frida is pretty irked that diego is going through with this deal. after all, it goes against everything they believe in. im not sure how the real frida felt about diego doing the mural, but she did feel a bit of rage during her visit to the united states, especially the obvious disparity between rich and poor. she hated having to interact with capitalists and found americans very boring. in this segment, frida seems to be acting more like the american communist party, which diego got kicked out of for accepting commissions from wealthy patrons. in any case, frida is pretty upset about this whole thing.

and finally we get the first and only kind of surreal frida moment. kinda. maybe. its more cartoonish than anything but im desperate ok

interesting how they felt like they had to add a “don’t smoke” in big letters after showing patty and selma flying away on their giant cigarettes. i wonder if this is something theyre making them do now? i remember hearing something about them toning down patty and selma’s smoking

diego comes home to frida, drunk as hell, followed by the marx brothers. i cant believe they didnt make a marxism joke come on it was RIGHT THERE. THE MARX BROTHERS. KARL MARX. COME ON

frida paints her feelings.

this makes diego realize that frida is a genius and he is not half the artist she is. he proclaims he will now show his awe of her by sleeping with other women, starting “an hour ago.” to which frida replies, “and i will start sleeping with other women, starting two hours ago.” yes this was pretty much their relationship. though im just wondering how the hell did diego not know frida was this kind of artist until now? i know homers an idiot but jeez. art was how frida and diego met, diego knew from the get-go that frida was an incredible artist. i guess the fame got to his head or something. again, homer just being stupid.

“well enough already, while the art is still deco, okay?”

its time for the mural diego painted, Man At The Crossroads, to be unveiled:

rockefeller examines it. good and great so far, and then...uh oh

“Who’s that fellow…? With the beard, and the bolshevik smile…” “That’s the founder of Soviet Russia, Lenin!”

“B-b-but he’s a communist!” “Oh he just attended a couple of meetings.”

rockefeller will not have this communist in the temple to capitalism that is the rockefeller center, so he orders diego to paint over it. diego stands his ground and refuses. despite rockefeller’s threats, diego says that theres only one person he wants to be proud of him no matter what and in true homer & marge fashion, frida is touched by this. they happily leave the rockefeller center.

now, the real story of Man At The Crossroads and the rockefeller center was actually not that different. as soon as the rockefellers found out diego had snuck in a portrait of lenin into the mural, they ordered him to paint over it, to which he refused. diego even offered to include abraham lincoln and even american abolitionists in the mural as a compromise, but the rockefellers simply did not want any references to communism whatsoever. they did not complain about the hammer and sickle, though. yes, they did know diego was a communist and hired him anyway. what did they expect? lmao. diego said:

"Rather than mutilate the conception [of the mural], I shall prefer the physical destruction of the conception in its entirety, but preserving, at least, its integrity."

so they decided to destroy the mural before it was even finished and they never talked to each other again.

diego then repainted the mural at the palacio de bellas artes back in mexico, this time known as Man, Controller of the Universe. this new version included even more communist leaders and a depiction of john d. rockefeller jr. drinking at a nightclub, right underneath a depiction of syphilis bacteria. cue nelson haw-haw:

this was the version they used in the episode also, since the original was, well, never finished and also destroyed. only a black and white photograph of it exists, taken by diego before it was destroyed so he could remake it.

right so, homer!diego then pulls a Barthood and finishes the episode with a large mural summarizing the entire episode. he says some rick and morty thing i didnt get because i dont watch the show idk idc

the end

ALRIGHT NOW ITS TIME FOR THE STORY OF VINCENT VAN MOE

[words-for-holland]

Happier (3) | T.H.

Summary: Harrison is looking for answers. More unknown text messages and blackmail. A phone conversation takes place. Wait...who’s the new guy?

A/N: Don’t be shy let me know all your theories! Again, thank you for the support on Happier! The story continues!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Puzzle

This whole thing was just a giant puzzle that needed to be solved, but the closer one got to solving it, another complication comes around. The story wasn’t clear for anyone, but for Harrison it was a mess. He had so many questions that needed to be answered, so many clues he wish could have been solved at the snap of a finger.

Tom was too lost in himself to even comprehend the puzzling reality, Y/N while also lost in heartbreak had been awefully quiet since she left London, Kate was lying to Harrison, and Natalie had been too friendly with Tom.

Harrison replayed the conversation with Kate over and over again in his mind, trying to remember every little thing she said that night. He knew Kate was aware of something. Her tone said it all.

“Listen I dont know who you are, but if its the same person that sent my best friend a threatening message that she’s better off breaking up with her boyfriend”

“She received a few messages...from Tom.”

“Oh my god.” Harrison said to himself in realization. How could he have been so dim to not recognize what Kate had said in the first place? He paced around as he continued to think it through. But a threat message? Who would send a threat to Y/N? And what did they threaten her with? Tom and Y/N’s relationship has been secretly hidden from the public for as long as they’d been together. No one knew she even existed...right?

For a moment, Harrison stopped in his tracks, thinking of Natalie. Though he quickly shook the idea off. Natalie may have wanted Tom, but she wouldnt go as far as threatening Y/N. He had been friends with her since they went to primary school, and knew she wouldn’t go that far. “Maybe a stalker fan?” He questioned himself. Though he also quickly ruled it out, but something about it just didnt feel right.

In the kitchen, Harrison took out his laptop and started googling Y/N’s name. If her name didn’t show on the News or one of those Tom Holland fan accounts, it would at least answer one theory. As he scrolled through pages and pages, nothing showed up until...he found on account. He logged into the site and browsed the history, realizing it was all about Y/N and Toms life. Not as a couple but seperately. It all seemed too strange. Only very few accounts followed it and yet no other accounts in the world had mentioned Y/N. Harrison quickly shut his laptop when he saw Natalie enter the room.

“Oh don’t mind me just...grabbing a water.” She giggled, making her way to the fridge.

“Hey mate...uh..I guess everyone got hungry at the same time?” Harry asked, a bit surprised to see Harrison and Natalie in the kitchen.

“Yeah. I guess.” Harrison muttered.

“Well aren’t you a ray of sunshine. If i didn’t know I’d say you were the one more affected by the break up then Tom and Y/N themselves.” Natalie commented.

“No. It’s just that I dont think Y/N broke up with Tom just because of some rumors about you and him.” He explained rubbing his face from exhaustion. Natalie’s smile dropped, when she heard Harrison mention his potential theory.

“Well...did you talk to Y/N about it?” Harry asked him, also intrigued by the theory. “Now that I think about it she —“

“Oh come on. Just leave the poor girl alone. Im sure she knew what was best for the both of them. You’ll only make it worse.” Natalie interrupted, taking a sip from her water. “Well since you boys are all talk, Im gonna go find something more worth my while.”

Out of sight and out of mind, Natalie made a quick call about what she heard. “Harrison’s getting suspicious, and so is Harry.”

“Time to clean up then.” The unknown number spoke out before hanging up on Natalie completely.

Meanwhile, Kate had managed to get Y/N out of the apartment and walk the streets of the city. Her heart and spirits were still low, but she appreciated the efforts. Kate and Y/N went around stuffing their faces with crepes and ice cream. It was the cure to any bad days, but it wouldnt have been a Kate and Y/N date if they didn’t hang around the New York Aquarium. It was also the perfect time to crack out what Y/N really knew about the unknown text message, and who was harrassing the both of them. “Look, I know I promised you a stress free outing, but I saw a text from your phone the night you came back home.” Kate confessed.

Y/N’s face became pale almost as if she’d seen a ghost. She knew, and now there was no point in going back. “So you know then.” She says quietly looking at the fishes.

“I only know they threatened you.” Kate states, leaving out that she, herself, was also threatened. Y/N had enough on her plate to worry about, and it wouldn’t be the best time to being up how her message also threatened their friendship. “How long?” She continues.

“Weeks maybe. They started around the time I was fighting with Tom.” Y/N vents, she takes a deep breath before she continues. “Each message was worse than the last. They threatened that if I didnt leave, Tom would lose career, and I...I couldnt do that to him.” Tears were falling slowly, but Y/N was quick to pick them.

“Why didnt you tell him?”

“Yeah, Kate let me just tell him the truth of why I left him because the messages weren’t offensive nor threatening enough. And let’s just assume that the person texting wouldn’t blackmail either of us if they knew I said something. Anyways, maybe it was for the best...I could never fit in his world and those past few months just proved that.” Y/N’s words continue to spill out every fear and thought she had bottled up within her. It felt good..for a moment, but nothing can really erase a heartbreak of losing the one you loved.

As the pair walked through the shark tunnel, Y/N bumped into a tall figure. “Oh my god, Im so sorry...Matt?” she asked in confusion. The moment Y/N looked up into those familiar brown eyes hidden behind the thin glasses, she knew. How could she forget? 

“Y/N? Wow, it’s been so long how are you?” Matt greeted as he wrapped her into a hug. “Kate, it’s good to see you again too.” 

“Yeah, we’re great, just you know...navigating life.” Kate responded to him. “We haven’t seen you since what?  High school?”

Matt smiled and nodded at Kate’s response, his focus remaining on Y/N. He didn’t remember much with Kate back in high school, but Y/N was a different story. They were good friends at the time, always competing in classes, but as junior year rolled by things got awkward. Y/N was falling for Matt while he didn’t return the favor at the time. Though he’d be lying if he didn’t say he may have felt the same at one point, but just never committed. Now all grown up, he didn’t realize how pretty she turned out, but her personality wasn't there. He must have figured something was wrong. After all, a girl with that kind of spunk back in the day, didn't seem like the one to lose hers so easily. “Yeah, look. I know it’s kind of a spur in the moment, but maybe we can all hang out sometime? I’d love to catch up.” 

Kate was all for it, but Y/N felt a tension she wasn’t sure if she wanted to act upon. After all, breaking up with your boyfriend after 2 weeks, because of threatening messages and still loving him deeply, it wasn’t an easy thing to move on from. Then again it’s not like Matt was asking for a date, it was just to catch up after not seeing each other for 6 years. “Uh, maybe. I have to check my schedule, and see when Im free, but I can let you know” Y/N answers him. 

“Great, well..here’s my number, and hopefully I hear from you guys. I gotta get back to my brother, so hope to see you around.” he quickly says as he walks away. 

“Wow. Matt Brynne, who would have guessed?” Kate says, breaking the silence. 

“I know...Funny I used to be so head over heels with him at the time, and now I barely feel a thing.” 

“Well yeah, cause you still love...you-know-who.” she teases, though it probably wasn't the best time to be making that type of joke with everything going on.

“And I don't think I’ll ever stop.” Y/N mutters to herself. As Y/N and Kate make their way forward, Kate’s phone began to vibrate. 

Unknown

Set up a date and take a picture of Y/N and that boy you posted on your insta story. Or Y/N finds out the truth about what you did. XOXO

Kate looked up as she cursed herself, realizing she forgot to keep her story private. It was supposed to be a harmless post of old friends reuniting and now the unknown number has used it as blackmail. It would have been easy to find the culprit, but her view count was up in the thousands with unfamiliar faces. It’s what she gets after gaining a decent following on TikTok. Kate couldn’t let Y/N know what she did, and she’d make sure she would hide that truth from her for as long as she can. “Hey, Y/N...I think we should hit up Matt.” she says, running after her best friend. 

At the same time, another texted popped from Y/N’s phone. She picked up thinking it might have been a group chat with her close friends, but it was from the only person who could make her heart flutter and break simultaneously. 

Tom

I can’t stop thinking about you. About us. I still love you. 

Y/N almost called him..almost, but she knew better. She couldn’t...not unless she wanted to continue to hurt each other. 

Meanwhile, back in London, Harrison was ready to come clean to Tom about what he’d found out. He watched as Tom finished typing on his phone, and throwing it on the side of the bed, rubbing his face. This was the new normal. Tom being alone in the dark, reflecting on his sadness and exhaustion. Only stepping out when needed and keeping up smiles for appearances. 

It was then Harrison was ready to knock on the door, when his phone received a notification.

Unknown

Don’t even think about it. Or I’ll make sure you and your lads careers are over for good.

Harrison sighed deeply, as he put his phone down, and walked away. Until he came to a most probable conclusion. “Natalie.” he says anger. “I should have fucking known.” At this point he no longer cared, about who she was before and how they were friends. The timing of it all seemed too perfect. Her arrival, the eavesdropping, the flirting. It had to be her but with what proof other than unknown numbers and good timing? Another part of him feared...what if it wasn't her?

Meanwhile, Tom was still unaware of what was really happening behind his door, but he did know, he had to take a chance now and try to contact her instead of sending these useless messages. In the moment, he showed no signs of regret, only praying Y/N would pick up so he could hear her voice. 

“Tom?” Y/N answers hesitantly.

Tom closes his eyes, as he takes in her soft and gently voice. “Y/N.” he speaks softly into the phone. 

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl​ @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit​ @trumpettay @astridcommings

[exsqueeze-me]

Bleeding heart (ch.5)

(Chapter five is here! I hope you guys enjoy!)

Ever since you and Bardock had that encounter, Bardock had rapidly slowed down with the insults and snide remarks. He had actually begun to ask you for things other than food. What surprised you the most was that he actually made an effort to talk to you and essentially get to know you. It wasnt as if he completely turned around, though. He was still rather rude at times, but now it was much easier to overlook his asshole-ish demeanor.

What was starting to irk you was the fact that he was still just as aggressive as ever with Raditz. If he wasnt blatantly ignoring Raditz's existence, then he was snarling and growling and yelling at him. You wanted to intervene, but an angry Bardock was on the top of your 'who not to fuck with' list.

In the meantime, you did your best to comfort Raditz when he came to you with tears welling in his eyes after dealing with his fathers rage. You had asked about it a few times before, but all Raditz would say is that its 'just a Saiyan thing'.

All you could do now was try and figure out how to make them get along. Until then, you had been looking at more private schools for Raditz. You knew he wouldn't do too well in a public school. You could already see the fights and suspension before it even happened. For now, you were looking at a martial arts type schooling. Gohan had mentioned someone by the name of Roshi when you asked him about it, but he said that Roshi was rather selective about who he taught. You supposed it was worth a try, and maybe, if you were lucky, Gohan could take Raditz and Kakarot to see Roshi.

"Hey, Raditz? Can I talk to you for a second?" You called Raditz into the living room, where you were relaxing a bit before starting the tiring task that was making dinner.

"Hmm?" Raditz made his way into the living room with a mouthful of 'food'.

"W-what are you eating?" You asked with a stern voice, slowly getting ready to get up and pry out whatever was in his mouth. You wanted to ask him how he felt about martial arts training, but now you had to make sure he wasnt trying to eat plastic again.

Raditz froze at your words. He knew what was coming. It wasnt his fault you left out such edible looking 'decorations'. Raditz began to chew faster and braced for impact as you pounced on him and attempted to pry his mouth open. After he chewed it down an acceptable amount, he swallowed the plastic in his mouth and bit your fingers as you attempted to pry open his mouth.

"OW! WHY WOULD YOU BITE ME!?" You yelped out and held your injured fingers to your chest. You knew he didnt bite you as hard as he could have, but it still hurt like hell.

"Maybe you shouldn't have put your fingers near my mouth! That's on you!" He swished his tail behind him before making his way back to the kitchen.

You were about to get up to get a first aid kit and bandage up your poor, injured fingers, but Bardock chose this moment to march through the front door with Kakarot in tow. Raditz came walking back from the kitchen with the first aid you kept stashed away in one of the cabinets, only to see his dad stop dead in his tracks as he noticed your slightly bleeding fingers.

Bardock didnt even need to ask what happened before he turned to Raditz in fury. You wouldn't have expected him to blow up about something so small, but you couldnt deny that Bardock had gotten slightly more protective since you both sat down and actually talked.

"What the hell did you do!?" Bardock hissed at Raditz.

Raditz stiffened and his tail curled between his legs as he prepared to take on his fathers rage once again. You had never seen Raditz shy away from anything like this and you weren't going to stand for Bardock's behavior anymore. It might have been fine wherever they were from, but it wasnt okay here.

"Bardock, it's fine! Raditz didnt do anything!" You steeled yourself and moved in front of Raditz, blocking him from his father.

"Like hell he didnt! I could smell your blood from outside!" Bardock bared his teeth and swatted the air with his tail in irritation.

"Its a tiny cut! It's nothing that won't heal in a few days! Raditz didnt do a damn thing wrong and I'm not going to stand here and watch Raditz cower from you while you yell at him about something that wasnt his fault!" At this point you were shaking slightly. Bardock was intimidating, to say the least and it took everything you had to stand there without cowering back too.

Bardock looked like he wanted to yell more, but he dropped the tension in his shoulders and just growled before stomping out the door. He flew off away from the house and Kakarot seemed to have dashed off to the guest room after seeing his father raise his voice. For a four year old, that kid was inhumanly fast.

You turned around to face Raditz only to see him looking at his feet. His tail was curled around his leg and from the way he was shaking and sniffling, he looked like he was about to cry. You didn't really have to lean down much to pull him into a comforting hug. The pain from your fingers was long forgotten as you tried your best to sooth Raditz.

He didnt return the hug, but he did let the waterworks go as he relaxed his body more into yours. His little sniffles slowly turned into full sobs. You eventually lead him to the couch so he wouldn't just be standing there the whole time. After about an hour, he finally pulled back and wiped his face. He took a second to compose himself before he looked at you.

"Can we make dinner?" He asked in a small voice, his red, puffy eyes meeting yours. His tail unfurled from his leg and hung limp and heavy behind him, aside from the occasional flick. His hair looked pretty matted and wild from being in close contact for so long as well.

You wanted to ask if he was okay, but decided against it. For now, it seemed like it would be best to just help him take his mind off of his dad.

"Sure. Do you want to get Kakarot and see if he wants to help.. or at least if he wants to eat a few snacks in the meantime?" You took the first aid kit from Raditz and waited for his answer.

He nodded and went to go fetch Kakarot and probably some meat from the cooler. The little swish of his tail was a good sign, pulling a light smile from you. At least he was feeling better in your presence. Your smile faded when your mind settled back on Bardock. You really hoped Bardock hadn't decided to leave permanently, but you assumed he would have taken at least Kakarot if he was. You chewed on your lip in worry as you hoped he would be back by morning.

[ms-demeanor]

After reading your "ultra-long postivity post", now I have kind of a weird feeling because i relate a lot to pretty much everything you said, but i ended up approaching the "not everyone can x" from the opposite side, being the "gifted kid" teachers used to hold everyone to unrealistic standards (that i knew most couldnt achieve in the given timeframes), and now i get frustrated when i dont develop skills immediately, because i have done it before and feel like i should be able to and aaaaaaaaaa

Funny story: when I was a kid my parents had both my sister and I tested for learning and developmental disabilities. This testing included IQ testing.

It identified that we were both “gifted” kids* and that I’m dyslexic.

It totally missed my ADHD, though!

The problem with that is that my parents. Hm.

Okay my parents both grew up in very poor families. VERY poor. And they both wanted to go to college and knew the only way that they could was through scholarships. So they became debaters. They met at a tournament in high school.

Debaters are weird. You need an efficient working memory and strong recall and the ability to think quickly on your feet. Being witty and kind of an asshole are also good traits for debaters. Basically you’ve either gotta be really fuck-off smart to be a competitive debater or you’ve gotta at least *seem* really fuck-off smart.

And my parents were champion debaters at a national level. The Whittier College debate trophy has my mom’s name written directly under Richard goddamn Nixon. My dad was on the USC debate team and competed against Harvard and won. Not only that but he ended up coaching debate for USC and Cal Tech.

So as kids who grew up in extremely poor families and were able to go to college and get middle-class jobs and buy a house because of intellectual ability my parents placed A LOT of importance on intellectual ability.

So that IQ score became a large part of my life.

First we attacked the dyslexia. The approach was basically teaching me a bunch of sight words because sounding out phonics doesn’t work when the letters get screwed up. And because I was *gifted* we did a lot of really BIG sight words.

It took about six months to get me up to speed from “memorizing the pages of a story to match the pictures because I couldn’t read along in class” to “the first book I read on my own was The Hobbit.” I guess that counted as “cured” because that was the last time I got any kind of educational assistance.

At that time I was at a gifted school, a really tiny private school that was also an after-school daycare where we did full-day classes and then did gymnastics and swim from 3-6pm. I also was there over the summer because my parents worked.

So going from “tiny private school where the teacher has you stand up in class to read your failing grade in front of everyone so that she could shame you into performing better” to “fine public school in a suburb wealthy enough to have arts programs” was a major, major change. They did an aptitude test because I was transferring in from a different district and there was much discussion about whether or not to move me directly from the second to the sixth grade.

The district refused, thank fuck.

The public elementary school didn’t *have* a gifted program so it took very little time for me to become the Certified Weird Kid. My third grade teacher had me read aloud to our class for twenty minutes a day. I taught the class the multiplication table.

When it got to be time to go to the junior high school my mom went to a meeting for the school’s gifted kids program. APPARENTLY one of the kid’s dad’s basically said “I don’t understand why you’re wasting school funds on field trips for the stupid kids, the school should spend more of its resources on kids who have a chance of actually meaning something to the world” and my mom decided that while being gifted was important it was less important than making sure I wasn’t exposed to assholes of that caliber on a regular basis.

(thanks mom, I actually do really appreciate that reprieve)

Several teachers pushed me into advanced classes - my math teacher insisted that I take the advanced algebra classes in the seventh and eighth grade.

The GATE kids *WERE* assholes and were extra bonus special assholes to me because math was the only advanced class that I was in. (At my junior high school you had to pick your elective based on what level of classes you were in - to take the GATE classes you HAD to take a music elective; if you took art, drama, shop, or home ec you couldn’t take the smart kid classes. The algebra class was a new, separate addition to the program so *some* of the kids in the “electives for dropouts” program could take algebra. Schools are really fucked up, guys, in case you didn’t know schools are really fucked up and that was BEFORE No Child Left Behind).

I got a C in that algebra class and sat in my room for literally an hour screaming at myself for being such a selfish, distracted idiot that I let myself read my books instead of studying harder for the class. (clearly very healthy, normal twelve-year-old behavior)

When it was time to go to high school my teachers made a united plea to the district to transfer me into honors/IB/AP classes.

The kids in the honors/IB/AP classes continued to be kind of awful to me. I got extremely depressed and basically started doing the lazy-but-brilliant thing of completely ignoring homework or in-class work but performing spectacularly well on tests or essays in the classes that I wasn’t catastrophically failing

I was the only person at the school who got a perfect score on the vocab part of my SAT. I was the only honors kid who hadn’t been in SAT prep classes. There was only one other kid who graduated with the same number of units as I had, we’d outstripped the valedictorian and salutatorian but three classes each. I only applied to one college - I got accepted for painting but my interviewer urged me to move to the writing program and I got accepted for that too.

My financial aid didn’t come through and my dad wasn’t willing to cosign for loans on “an art program at a trade school.”

I got accepted to Pratt Institute on their Writing for Publication track which included an internship with the New York Times for third-year students in the program.

At that point I had a Columbia Scholastic Press award for my work on my high school yearbook.

Let me tell you, the community college that I went to and spent five years variously failing and succeeding at had a fucking *killer* newspaper and magazine when I was there. The local community newspaper that hired me when I was 21 was also much better designed and edited than it had any right to be for the three years I worked there (getting paid a whole eight dollars an hour and sometimes working 20 hours straight to get it in to the printer on time).

When I transferred to the state school I got perfect grades and worked full time and won every contest offered by the school’s English Honors society (which I couldn’t join because I was a transfer student and hadn’t done honors classes my freshman and sophomore years). I started a literary magazine with some friends when I graduated; we published four full issues online before it fell apart.

You know what’s also funny?

Even the food-service job I had to pay my way though the community college I felt terrible about attending was a skills test. I was a barista, so of course for a while I was a competitive barista.

I disappointed my parents a lot. I heard a lot of “we know you’re better than this.” I got told I was too smart to be screwing up this bad. I mentioned it a couple weeks ago but my results from that IQ test got compared to my sister’s and that was the justification for holding me to a higher standard. “You’re measurably brilliant, why aren’t you acting like it?”

Here lies the corpse of a gifted kid. Look on my works ye might and despair.

I am the perfect picture of a twice exceptional gifted kid and the reason I wrote all of this out is to tell you one thing:

“Gifted Kid” is a label that someone applied to you, it has nothing to do with who and what you ARE.

It’s very, very unfair that the adults in your life used you that way. I have an exceptionally terrible memory of being singled out as the only one who passed the first test in my IB World History class; “Why is Alli the only one of all of you who is writing at grade level? You’re supposed to be the smartest kids in the school, why did you all fail?”

That’s awful for the kids around you, that’s awful for you. It doesn’t do anybody any favors if people around you are being informed that you’re setting the curve they’ll be judged against. And it really, really doesn’t do YOU any favors because it doesn’t take long *at all* for your brain to learn that that’s all you’re good for. If you aren’t the best at a thing then what’s the point, you HAVE to be best because they already SAID you were best and if you aren’t then all these other people hate you for setting a standard that even you can’t keep up with.

You end up competing with past versions of yourself and focusing on those things that make the grownups in your life praise you because the grownups in your life has praised you in such a way that it’s turned all the other kids against you.

You know who bullied the fuck out of me? The kids I taught the times tables to, the kids I read to for half an hour a day.

Those kids were MEAN to me but the teacher who told me to read Boxcar Kids to the class after lunch everyday was NICE and she told me not to worry, they were just jealous and I should be proud of my gifts.

“Anon did this in three minutes. What’s taking the rest of you so long?” - what a terrible weight to put on a child. You’re right. Not everyone can do everything.

Fucking hell.

Adults what the everloving shit is wrong with us? Please don’t treat kids like that.

Okay.

Okay.

But here’s the other thing:

If there’s any time in your life that it’s easy to acquire skills with no apparent effort it’s when you’re a child surrounded by a support system that is engaged in making sure that you can acquire those skills.

It took three adults, two dictionaries, and several hours a day to teach me enough sight-words to throw me into “look at baby genius*” territory but from my perspective as a little kid I was just reading cool stories.

I spent four hours a day in the yearbook room and ditched and failed other classes so that I could work on the yearbook. I collected hundreds of magazines to get an eye for layout. But from my perspective as a teenager it was a fun activity that I did with the closest thing I had to friends.

I’m sure that there are some skills that you had a natural aptitude for, some things that came naturally. But I’m also sure that you didn’t learn those skills with no effort, it’s just that now as an adult with a life and other shit going on it takes more effort to learn to do things.

In all likelihood you weren’t a savant who did everything perfectly the first time you tried. It just seems that way because even really smart kids don’t know when they’re bad at things and are mostly being compared against other kids (with the few rare exceptions of music prodigies or math prodigies or those kids who end up in science grad programs at 12 and boy howdy do I think there’s a whole other can of worms when it comes to the way child prodigies* interact with the world).

You wanna know what probably saved my life in the last few years?

That “anti-capitalist love notes” tumblr post.

You are worth more than your productivity.

You are worth more than your productivity.

You are worth more than your productivity.

I was actually kind of offended the first time I saw that post on my dash. “No I’m not,” I thought. “You’re only worth what you can do, everyone knows that. People care about what you do for them.”

And why the hell would I think anything else? That’s what I’d learned for pretty much my whole life.

It took me a really long time to understand that I was wrong. I matter outside of what I can do for people or how well I perform. I matter more than being able to perfectly recite poetry from memory or do calculations on command or sit down at a piano and play a piece I’ve never played by sight-reading it.

And you matter outside of that too. You’re more than your performance, you’re better than being gifted. There are people who love you for the way you make them laugh and how you listen to their stories and for the simple joy of your presence.

It’s nice to be clever, it’s handy in a lot of situations even if it does come with a lot of baggage for some people.

But god damn, it’s important to be kind.

* Personally I have issues with the way that society constructs the concepts of giftedness, genius, and prodigies. There are a lot of “gifted” kids who were the kids who scored in the top 5% of their class in school but there are also gifted kids who were doing high-level math or reading novels as toddlers; there are prodigies who showed an aptitude for music young and who were then schooled in that instrument to the exclusion of all other activities (and I bet there are a fair number of kids who might be considered prodigies if they were trained to play flute for nine hours a day and didn’t have friends but thankfully we don’t *do* that to very many people - side note, ask me my opinion about olympic athletes some time). Words like “genius” and “gifted” are very nearly meaningless and almost *never* accurately reflect skills proficiency or long-term success or are reflected in income or respect. People think that geniuses are hypercompetent robots with their shit together but literally every adult I know with a genius-level IQ is some variety or other of total fucking tire fire.

[bowtied-pasta]

how about Ben with a platonic soulmate? 🥺 all soulmate aus are so good and i feel like people forget that platonic stuff is just as meaningful (also hi! i love your hcs, this is the first time i’ve sent something in and i’m so nervous 😖) -🌥

Ive kept you waiting long enough, im sorry about the delay. (I am still on hiatus, I just felt bad about keeping you waiting when you said this was your first request and youre nervous) I will pick a soulbond kind and just roll with it since you didnt name a specific one, hope thats cool

You didnt fully understand what it meant when it happened. When your formerly crisp, black words of hope faded to a light grey against your skin.

Your parents had researched for hours, trying to understand what was happening. But they didnt like the results they found. You didnt get to learn what they meant until you were much older. Having been so young, they didnt want to scare you.... or so they said.

The constant moving around, the keeping you from public school, never letting you stay out late or go out without a large group and promising to stay with them at all times. It had all made sense when they told you the consiquences of a faded soulmark.

You were destined to disappear. Without a trace, it seemed. All former occurrences of a faded and grey soul mark, regardless of romantic or platonic bearing, had all ended the same. The person with the greyed mark vanished. 

Wether this was because they went willingly or not, nobody knows. Once a mark turns grey there isnt much you can do to keep track of them. Research is difficult because people with grey marks hide themselves for the exact reason that your parents had worked so hard to hide you for. They didnt want you to dissapear. Not like the others.

But that didnt matter anymore. Here you are, a college freshman living in an apartment all on your own. The money your parents had kept locked away in a bank that you hadnt been privy to, but had been given upon their deaths, allowing you the comfort of knowing that college was more than paid for. The money your job gives you each week going toward the car, your insurance, and the renting for your living space.

You were set for life... or what you had left of it. Your words on your wrist a constant reminder that you were a ticking clock. You didnt know if you would die, but you were certain you would go missing. Just like the rest. The only thing that scared you about it was that you didnt know when.

When decided to come in the form of a game. A video game that you had had your sights on for awhile. Having been wanting to buy it for weeks, but only now allowing yourself the luxury. Knowing you could have used your parents money, but wanting to earn it your own way.

Your hand had been reaching for the case for the game, the sleeve of your hoodie covering your greyed out mark, only for another hand to reach for the same case at the same time. Your finger tips touching slightly before you both flinch back in shock.

Your gaze shoots toward the man that had been reaching for the game, your eyes locking as you stutter out an apology. Your people skills being lackluster due to your upbringing. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. You can have it if you want it, I can wait a little longer.”

You see the mans eyes widden as you speak, his eyes darting down toward his arm quickly, before he grabs the game and ask you such a simple question, yet it makes your blood run cold. “What say you we go back to your place and play it together, best friend?”

You stiffen as you shuffle slightly backwards. Not expecting this to have ever happened. Your words are grey. Grey. This cant be happening. You were supposed to disappear. You couldnt do that to your soulmate. Platonic or not.

“Um... I dont think...” you hastily walk backwards to the front of the store. He matches pace with you, grabbing your arm to keep you from moving further. The store was unfortunately empty of other patrons, allowing this to happen without causing a scene. 

“I know, theyre grey right? I can explain why, but its not a topic for public conversation. Its best we speak in private. So we can do this at your place, or mine. But trust me... you’ll like it better at yours.”

You glace around quickly before you settle your gaze on him. Eyes locking as you begin to calm down. He was your soulmate. He was safe. Right? He wouldnt hurt you. He cant possibly be the reason you disappear. No... you cant let him get attached. It would only hurt him.

“No. We cant. I dont want you to get hurt. Yes, my words are grey. And.... and that means I’m going to disappear. I know I dont know you, at all, but I dont want you to get hurt when I vanish and youve become attached. I dont want that for you.” You look down, averting your eyes from his gaze. Your vision had blurred as you spoke, tears filling your eyes as you tried to get him to understand. You couldnt allow yourself the pain.

You feel his hand cup your face and wipe away your tears. “Hey, breath for me okay? Your not losing me that easily. Believe me now or later, friend, youre stuck with me.”

[idkhyuck]

Fallen  Leaves- Fireflies Pt2

SO THIS IS GOING TO BE A FOUR PART FOUR SEASON SERIES. fireflies was summer, Fallen leaves will be Fall and There will be a winter/christmas then spring version. PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK 

HERE’S PT1 if you haven’t read it  https://idkhyuck.tumblr.com/post/186835769930/fireflies-nct-dream-fanfic-pt1-i-couldnt-shake

OT6 DREAM BESTFRIEND!READER Y/N is still struggling with her feelings for Chenle a few months after the Camping trip. An opportunity arises for her to tell him. Does Chenle feel the same way I woke up and reached for my phone. “We’re home in a week pack your bags!!” from Jisung to our group chat.

“huh?” i sent back, Then he sent back the video of him and Chenle in Shanghai “still not getting it.” i said “you’re going on a trip with Chenle

“WE ALL ARE!” Jaemin said “We’re going to Shanghai!” He said

“WHAT?!” i sent back just as my phone rang with a FT from Chenle “WHAT?!” i answered it, my voice cracking because i was still half asleep

“no need to be that excited.” I hear Renjun in the background.

“shut up.” i groaned into the phone.

“we leave the day after we get back.” Chenle said with his big smile on his face

“What i have to buy my ticket.”

“already bought.” Chenle said.

“for real?!” i asked

“Yup.” He said smiling at me “go to sleep. you look tired.”

“I’m just waking up. Shut up.” i said sitting up. “good luck tonight.” i said “RENJUNNIE FACETIME ME AFTER THE SHOW! I NEED TO BRUSH UP ON MY MANDARIN!” i said hopefully loud enough for him to hear.

“Fine.” he said followed by “ah this girl it never ends.” in mandarin

“hey!” i said “i got that!” pouting into the phone

“good!’ he said as Chenle threw a pillow at him.

“We’ll talk more about our plans later. okay?” Chenle asked

“yeah of course”:

“k. see you soon.” He said then he was gone. I laid back down. Wow, our trip was finally happening.We talked about this for years! Chenle has had dreams about it It was finally happening. I thought back to the last time we talked about it. It was on the camping trip Renjun had wanted to go out and look at the stars by the lake before we left the next day, Chenle and i tagged along everyone else was at the camp relaxing. It was fine Renjun spent the first bit talking about the sky and constellation and usual Renjun stuff then he fell asleep.

I went to shake Renjun’s arm but chenle’s hand on my shoulder stopped me, i turned to him. He was looking at me with sparkly eyes

“Let him sleep for a bit.” he said then laid back and patted the spot beside him on the blanket. I shifted over away from Renjun and sat beside Chenle Hugging my knee looking down at him “He’s gonna drive back he’s probably tired.” he said i nodded “It really is beautiful.” chenle said with a sigh as he placed his folded hands behind his head. He looked so grown up, His chest was getting broad. The little bit of muscle in his arm. His super sharp Jawline. I couldn’t help but think back to the night after the lake and how he felt so warm against me as we shared a towel as we walked back to the camp. I blinked the thoughts away and looked up at the stars.

“I’m so glad we did this.” i said “i’ll never forget this trip.” i said

“Lets hope we can do Shanghai soon.” he said then there was a flash and a click of my polaroid camera. i looked down to see him holding it towards me. I couldn’t help but smile. “you need to be in the pictures too.” he said i could tell he was blushing even in the moonlight. His pale skin was so light.

“What will we do in Shanghai?” i asked him.

“We can eat, We can play games. We can go to the parks and play basketball.” he said. i looked down at him

“take me on the boat?”

“We can do the boat.” he said “you’ll love the view. It’s so pretty.” He said smiling at me. i looked away and back up at the sky

“I can’t wait.” i said. “Do you miss it often?” i asked him

“sometimes.” he said “but i get so busy, i don’t have time to be homesick. and like when i go there i get homesick for here.” he said quietly “it’s a never ending cycle. My heart is in two places and i’m perfectly okay with that.”he said “i want to experience it with you guys so like it kind of puts and end to that separation of the two things that mean the most to me.” he said.

“I get that.” i said “it’d be nice to see all the things you talk about.” i said “get to know that chenle a bit.” i said

“YOU already know me though.” He said.

“I know.” i said smiling at him “i’m thankful for that.” I said as i laid down beside him with a little space between us.

“You think you’re future girlfriend will hate me?” i asked him

“nah. if she does, she’s not worth it.”

“CHENLE!” i said half loudly so i wouldn’t wake Renjun elbowing his arm “She could be you’re soulmate and still hate me.”

“We’re friends. Anyone in my life has to accept that.” he said “fan’s too.” he said

“fan’s scare me.” i admitted. “I think that’s why i like it here so much. No one even knows us. knows you guys. no staff constantly watching, No need to be on my best bahaviour like in school. No need to be careful in public. just us being us.” i said

“It’ll be like this in Shanghai too.” he said. “My house is safe.”  He said patting my arm. i felt my arm hair stand up and goosebumps form and hoped he didn’t notice.

“That’ll be nice.” i said

“Home is kind of my safe place.I’m able to separate this a bit more.” he said waving his arms “Like yes i was famous there and i had the whole career but like this is so much more than i ever imagined it could be.” he said “And it’s only starting.”

“You were meant to be a star.” i said to him

“ah.” he said waving his hand at me.

“i’m serious.” i said “We’re just little tiny stars all in the universe and you’re one of the ones that shines bright like those ones.” i said pointing up hoping he’d giggle at my cheesiness. a small laugh and a shove later i continued, i could feel him blushing beside me. “all of you guys are meant to be doing what your doing. so incredibly talented and hard working. Chenle. you debuted in 3 months.” i said “you’re amazing.” i said turning to see him looking at me. “I’ll always be your biggest fan.” i said

“you were our first.” he laughed looking me in the eye his eyes lit up. I honestly though he was going to kiss me. My heart was kind of starting to race.

“and i’ll be your last.” i said quietly, pulling my eyes away sitting up so i could breathe normally Idk why we have this insane chemistry all of a sudden. “I can’t wait to see your safe space.” i said to him as he sat up and hugged his knees. He passed me my camera. I took one of him sitting there. he started protesting, causing renjun to stir and wake up.

“how long have i been asleep?” he asked

“a few minutes.” Chenle lied “Let’s go back. It’s late.” renjun still looked at his clock confused. i looked down at my phone, at least an hour had passed. wow it didn’t feel like it. I wonder why Chenle lied about the time but i didn’t want to think too much into it.  We made out way back to camp chenle and i falling into sync behind Renjun who led the way back. I’d sneak glances at him as he walked. he would smile at me and look away. I often thought about that night and wondered if just maybe he liked me too.

I looked out the window as we landed. We were finally in Shanghai. Staying at Chenle’s house for two weeks. The boys fresh off tour needing a break. We were going to eat dinner at Chenle’s place his mom as here getting everything ready for us. tomorrow we’d go out to eat and go to the theme park Him and Jisung went to last time. We all excitedly got our bags at the airport. Again no staff, it was weird. I was able to sneak through the airport in seoul with them. they put a black mask on me and a huge hat and put my hair up. i walked between Jeno and Jisung so i wouldn’t be too visible. The bodyguards escorted us to our plane and left us on our way. i’ve never been in that kind of pandemonium before. and this was for a private schedule, I didn’t even want to think of public schedule. Flashes and flashes of cameras. Trying to get close. I just looked down the whole time and kept pace with the boys. once on the plane i was able to breathe. I don’t know how they did that. It was so freeing being in the shanghai airport with them no staff, no fans from what i could tell. No camera’s We made our way out to our car.

“it’s so cool!” i said to chenle who sat up front.

“it gets better!” He said. He spent the whole ride telling us random facts about all the places we passed. He’s really taking on a leadership role in the planning of this trip and it makes my heart swell. We pulled up to his house and his mom was already cooking it was all you could smell when you walked in and it was amazing. We all said our hellos and made our way up into the rooms they had set up for us. We all played rock paper scissors to decide who slept where. Jaemin, Renjun, Haechan and I were in the spare room while Jeno and Jisung got to sleep in Chenle’s room. There were bed mats for us to us and blankets and pillows.

“This will be so much comfier than the camping trip.” i said as i laid out on my mat.

“I was sore for a week.” Haechan said as he placed himself in the middle of the room.

“I don’t know why mattress pads didn’t cross our minds while shopping.” Jaemin said as he shoved his bag against the wall behind him. We all slowly made our way into Chenle’s room. We all played around with all of his things. I sat on the Piano Bench beside him as he played the piano he had in the corner of his room. He was playing the softest most beautiful melody. I forgot the others were here until Haechan sat on the other side of him shoving us over and me off the bench

“My turn.” he said i steadied myself and went over and shoved him over as he was playing making him mess up his song.

“We need to go to a gaming cafe here.” Jeno said as he laid on the bed he made on the floor.

“We can do that.” Chenle said as he got up from the bench. He turned on his TV and we flipped through the channels. Chinese TV was so different yet. I struggled to pick up on the words and i had been studying with Renjun for  the past week. We ended up leaving it on some Cartoon we’ve all seen at least 100 times since childhood. We played with a deck of cards for like an hour while listening to music. Chenle’s mom called us down and we were all so impressed with the spread of food she had out. I’ve had dinner at Chenle’s house before so i recognized some of the dishes but some were new to me and i was so excited to try it out. I brought my polaroid to dinner and held it up asking chenle’s mom for permission she nodded and i started taking pictures of everything. The food,  The boys making thier plates. Chenle’s mom looking at us all proud. I sat down with my plate in front of me. i didn’t know where to start, it looked so good. We all dug in and ate while talking about all the things we wanted to do tomorrow. It as late and by time i was done eating i was ready for bed. i thanked Chenle’s mom and took my pictures and went up to put them in my album i looked back at the ones of the summer. Us on the camping trip. My favourite is the one i took of chenle the night we were by the lake. I turned out so well, i could never find the one he took of me. it must have blew away when we were cleaning up our campsite. I put all my new ones in my album.

“we’re gonna play for awhile. wanna join?” Jaemin asked as he came in and grabbed his pajamas from his bag

“I’m exhausted and full.” i said “i’m going to go to bed.”

“night!” he said as he walked out into the next room. I took out my jammies and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. i washed my face up and put my hair up. I made my way back out to the room and heard the boys yelling and playing. I fell asleep fast the night out of exhaustion from the excitement

“I wanna do it!” I said excitedly looking up at Chenle as we stared at the Rollercoaster above us.

“are you sure?” Jeno asked, i nodded and grabbed both their hands and went to stand in line. Jeno pulled his hand from mine to grab his phone out of his pocked but Chenle left his and I liked it. His hand was warm in mine and as much as i enjoyed it, i pulled away to turn and look at the line in front of us. The rollercoaster boomed above us and i jumped

“You’re not scared already.” Jeno teased from behind me. i turned to glare at him. It wasn’t long before we were locked into the potential death trap. My heart was kind of racy as we started rolling out onto the track. We zoomed a few times i didn’t mean to scream but i did. I looked to see Jeno laughing beside me and Chenle having the time of his life on the other side of me. I was clinging to the restraint for dear life. We neared one of the peaks the coaster started slowing, inching closer to the top, my heart really racing now in my ears. i looked out at how high we were. I could feel the tension in the air as we climbed slowly my stomach dropping with each inch. Chenle must have sensed my fear because suddenly he as taking my hand in his. my heart racing for a whole new reason now when suddenly WHOOSH!

“AHHHHH!” was all you heard as the coaster whipped us around the track, My eyes were buring at the speed, My hair a mess behind me. The wind hitting my face so hard i was sure my lips were flapping. The rest of the ride was a blur of zooming around and up and down and all i really cared about was the warm hand holding mine. I unintentionally squeezed a few times. He would squeal from beside me and we’d laugh but he never took it back. When we came to a stop i didn’t want to let go but he was pulling away to undo his straps. i did the same. My head was kind of spinny, and i felt so incredibly high on life. The adrenaline in my veins pumping like crazy. I hopped up and went running

“JAEMINNIE! THAT WAS AMAZING!” I said as i ran up behind him hugging him. He pulled me around front and held me at arm’s lenght

“Are you sure? did the ride knock you out?” he asked shaking me around laughing.”How many fingers?” he asked holding up his hand. i shoved him off as Haechan, Jisung and Renjun approached us with drinks for everyone.

“You guys are missing out!” Chenle said as he took his drink from Jisung. Jisung looked at it as it took off again shook his head no. We all started walking again. The park was pretty empty today. I think it was because school had started and it was fall. It was a really  nice fall day, Sunny warm. i didn’t need a jacket. The sun not quite as high as it used to b but still shining bright. We ate at a hotpot place before we came here. It was so good. It was mid afternoon.

“Can we please ride this?” I turned to ask them as they all looked at the carousel with varying degrees of disgust. “please?” i asked cutely

“ugh fine.” Jeno said as he walked towards the line

“never do that again.” Renjun said pretending to gag, I grabbed him from behind and said

“but i love Renjunie.” in the most disgustingly cute voice i could muster.

“AGH!” he said triyng to shove me off.

“Meanie.” i said letting go and reaching for Jaemin  “At least Jaemin loves me.” i said standing beside him pouting as he put his arm around me. Renjun laughed at me and rolled his eyes and pulled me away from jaemin into his arms. He held me close to him as we made our way to the front of the line. and let me go as it was our turn to enter. I grabbed haechan’s hand and led him towards the horses in the middle. Jisung and Chenle followed and argued about the horse in front of me. We all chose horses on one side. Skinship with these boy was something i was so used to. What i was not used to was the new feeling i got from being cuddly and touchy with chenle. It was never this bad even with the other boys when i liked them. I know that’s just mr overthinking into liking him and that scared me. Like he obviously doesn’t feel it and i need to work on getting over him.

The ride started the soft music playing above us as the horses went up and down. I took my camera and took pictures of each boy on their horses. We were all having fun going around the carousel. this was the most carefree i’ve seen them in a long time. They worked so hard after we got back that summer to prepare for comeback. They still had their final concert for this comeback in Korea just before Christmas. I could tell they weren’t worried about work for once and just living in the moment laughing and teasing each other. I was so grateful they were able to do this. The ride went be all to fast. and we were back on our hunt through the park

“Let’s play some games.” Renjun said as we passed huge section of carnival games.

“This one first” Jisung said going up to a basketball game.

“I’m no good at basketball!” i postested.

“We can be a team.” Chenle offered, He was the best and we all knew it. i nodded at him. The rest of the boys all lined up at thier baskets me beside Chenle. he winked at me as the balls dropped. They all started shooting their balls into the baskets. Jeno and Jaemin we’re aguing over a ball that got away from someone. Jisung was really focused. Renjun and Haechan shoving each other trying to make the other miss. I turned to see Chenle had the lead.

“Come on!” i said cheering him on, He was trying really hard not to smile and keep focusing. The time was running out there was 5 seconds left he shoved a ball at me. I flung it. and watched it fall through the hoop as the buzzer rang. He still won without my help but he was excitedly screeching as we won. I could hear the boys behind me. “OH MY GOD!” I said turning to see everyone

“she actually got one in!” Jaemin said excitedly.

“I think you deserve this.” Chenle said handing me our prize. An orange dolphin.

“Aw it’s cute!” i said “Thank you!” I said looking up at him, His orange hair now fading. “Like you.” i teased him reaching up to pat his head and laughed as the boys all cackled behind me, him turning various shades of pink. ““Let’s do this one next.” I said pointing to a shooting game. We spent the next three hours playing games. We all ended up with one prize or another. Haechan got a small honey colour bear at one of the games and he gave it to me too. I clung to both of them as we sat down in the Food truck area.

“I saw a sign for fireworks.” Renjun said walking over with a cup of ice cream and sat beside me. I looked at him then the spoon, the him again. He sighed and shoved a spoonful towards me.

‘”We should stay!” Jisung said “it’s getting dark anyway.” A shiver ran up my spine. The Fall air now blowing in as the sun set.

“it’s gettting cold.” i said another shiver threatening to escape me. i looked around at all of them wearing long sleeve t-shirts not bothered by the cold.

“Well you should have dressed right.” Haechan said.

“it was so nice!” i said protesting as i turned down another spoon of ice cream from renjun.

“you’re cold?” Chenle asked as he sat down across the table with a plate of donuts. i nodded.

“give her your hoodie.” Jaemin said.”we don’t have anything.”

“oh yeah.” he said taking off his hoodie to reveal a tighter white long sleeve underneath. “here.” he said throwing it across the table.

“thank you” I said grabbing it and slipping into it. I hoped to god my face was straight;. It was warm like him, The sleeves long and stretched because he’s always pulling them over his hands.I pulled them over my hands and cuddled into it as i zipped up

“better?” Jeno asked as he stood up. “Let’s go get something to eat.” He said to me and Jaemin. I got up and followed beside him, He suddenly came to a stop once we were on the other side of the rest area. “do you like Chenle?” he asked. I was shocked. Maybe i wasn’t as good at hiding it as i thought.

“WHAT?!” i asked shocked. as Jaemin just gave me a look

“he knows.” Jaemin said.

“you told him?!” i asked him

“no he found out on his own.”

“tell him!!” Jeno said

“why?” i asked

“Because Jaemin and i think he might like you too.” Jeno said.  

“you’ve discussed this.”i said flatly. staring at them as they both looked guilty

“I’ve come up with a tiny plan.” Jeno said

“oh god.” i said nervous for his tiny plan

“Okay so Chenle said he’s planning to take us on the city boat ride thingy because you asked. “i’m going to get the others to stay behind so it’s just you two!” he said “on the boat in the pretty city lights.” i blushed as he said all this “see i knew you’d like it.

“how will you get the others to stay. you won’t tell them right?” i asked him worried

“no i’ll suggests a gaming tournament or something at his house.” He said. I looked up at him unsure “it’ll be fine.” he said

“and if he doesn’t like me?” i asked him.

“Then you stay friends.” He said.

“WHY are you and Jaemin so sure we’ll remain friends through all of this.”

“Because You’ve like every single one of us and you’re still here and completely over it.”

“what?!” i said “not everyone.”  I said looking down. “DOES Jaemin just tell you everything?! do you gossip in a group chat or something?” i said annoyed but half laughing. “:worse than old women.” i said walking away from him.

“Not everything.” Jaemin said from behind me, i sighed as i walked up to a place that sold american street food. I picked a hot dog and fries. The boys wouldn’t shut up about american hot dogs when they got back.

Chenle’s POV.

I watched as she walked ahead of us towards the firework viewing area. She was wearing my hoodie, And it looked so good on her. I’m kind of glad none of the other boys had a hoodie with them. I hated that i liked her like this. The first girl I get a real crush on and it’s her. I can pin point the exact moment. We were at the SM christmas party dancing, some slow song came on. She looked up at me through her lashes. Her eyes met mine and goosebumps formed all over my body.

“when did you get so tall?” She asked me. I’d grown quite a few centimeters that fall and she was just noticing. It made me happy. I left for China the next day and wondered if she still thought of me as a child. I brought her back that candy and i almost kissed her in that moment but didn’t because oh my god we were best friends. She was a whole year older than me. There was no way she could like me. but she’d tease me. I was still busy pining after her well into the summer. We went on our camping trip, I watched as she slept on Jeno’s shoulder on the van ride there. I hated that it made me jealous. I loved the moments we shared on that trip. Talking in the early morning while everyone slept. She had a crush on Haechan in the past so it wasn’t exactly like she was pining over me like she did him. But the Crush on Jeno surprised me. I would have never guessed. I learned that she had like both of them and it bugged me. I hated that i felt this way, Why did i have to have a crush on her of all people. Her perfect pretty smile Her kind eyes. Her soft hands that make my heart go crazy. You don’t fall in love with you’re best friend. I tried so hard to like other girls in school, At the office. even fans. Nothing could stop me at this point. I still have that picture i took of her of that night at the lake with Renjun. I always wondered if she lost it. She always looked so content flipping through her little albums. I loved when she took pictures of us.I hate that she can be so openly cuddly with the members and it doesn’t affect them but the moment she makes the tiniest contact with me my heart starts racing and i feel all warm and blushy. I wished i was better at hiding my blush because she thinks it the cutest thing.

“here!” Jisung said sitting himself down on the cement “This is a good spot.” he said patting the ground around him. I went and sat beside him. My arms were kind of chilly but i didn’t mind because she sat beside me and leaned her head on my shoulder. I tried my best to relax, I debated putting my arm around her but decided against it.

“I’m so tired.” She said hugging her dolphin tightly.I picked that on purpose. I died my hair orange this last comeback, and well a dolphin for obvious reasons. I wondered if she would pick up on it eventually. She lit up when Haechan gave her that bear, i wondered if she still liked haechan

“We did so much today.” Jeno said reading through a flyer he was handed a minute ago.

“I had so much fun.” she said “Thanks.” She said hugging my arm

“for what?” I asked

“for bringing us here” We had about half an hour before the fireworks, The guys sat there on thier phones. I scrolled mine too trying really hard to not overthink her relaxing on my shoulder. Her breathing was getting softer and softer, i heard a tiny snore and so did renjun on the other side of because he started tapping everyone to look over now the blush was really rising. They all started laughing in hushed tones.

“don’t move!” Haecan said quietly getting up. He stood in front of us and was taking pictures on his phone ,He went and sat back down giggling. I couldn’t help but laugh at them as they all gathered around his phone screen to look at the picture. She snored again causing them to lose their shit again. Jaemin took her polaroid from beside her and took one with that.

“you guys!” Jisung said looking at his phone as the picture from Haechan came into our groupchat “She’s going to kill you.” he said giggling. They were having their fun with this and ran off when a drink cart drove by. I decided they wouldn’t notice if i put my arm around her for a little bit. I slowly lifted it up to be behind her. i rested my hand on her arm. much to my surprise she snuggled into me. My breath hitched a little and i was worried i startled her. but she continued snoring softly. I don’t know how often i thought of this. Being this close with her cuddling. Her hair soft against my face, He breathing onto me. Her warmth consuming me entirely. Renjun was the first back from the cart. He was still laughing as he saw us.

“oh she really means business now!” he laughed as he sat back down “wake her up she’ll get scared if the fireworks start.” i shook my hand a little

“Y/N” i whispered close to her ear. it took everything in me not to kiss her forehead. “wake up.” he said

“hmm.” she said stirring “why?” She asked

“fireworks are starting soon!  you can cuddle later!” Haechan said loudly as he came back. She shot straight up, i held my hands up i didn’t know what to do. A deep blush rose on her cheek and she looked absolutely adorable as she stuttered half asleep about not cuddling. She picked up the dolphin she had dropped and eyed Renjun’s drink. He sighed as he handed it to her to take a sip. the first firework went off. she reached for her camera started trying to take pictures of  the fireworks that were coming up.

“Guys go stand there!” she said. “please?” she said then we all got up and stood in front of her with the fireworks going off behind us. she took three different pictures before someone who was sat behind us offered to take one with her in it. She came and stood in the middle between Jeno and I. She wrapped her arms around me. i couldn’t help but smile huge as i put my arm around her as the flash went off. the moment gone all too quick she ran back and said her thanks the lady and then sat back down with all of her pictures around her. We all went back. The fireworks were really beautiful. Jaemin said

“go stand there we’ll take some of you.” she got up and jaemin handed me the camera with a huge smile. i took it and watched her as she turned towards us making her cute little poses. i took a few. the finale was coming and she got distracted and turned around. everyone was watching the fireworks now. I took out my phone and quickly snapped a picture of her watching them. He face lit up, wrapped up in my hoodie, the glow of the fireworks behind her. God i think i might be in love.

Y/N’s POV

the first week has passed, We ate out more than i could ever imagine i was gonna gain like 20 pounds by time we got back to korea. We went to a few movies, and spent quite a bit of time at the gaming cafe. Jaemin and Jisung took turns letting me play with them even though it usually resulted in them getting killed. Tonight was our boat tour. Jeno has been setting his plan into action and i was freaking out inside the plan was for Jaemin and i to go shopping with Chenle. Then we we got back they’d be all gone so it’d just be us three then Jaemin would come up with a stomach ache last minute and stay home. We pulled up to the mall and made our way inside. The boys went to a few of their favourite stores before they finally let me shop for myself.

“We have an hour and a half before we have to be back.” Chenle said putting his new bucket hat on. i nodded and led them into a clothing store. I scoured the racks really quickly and found a dress i could wear that night. I called jaemin over quickly Chenle tried to come and i told him no

“for tonight?” i whispered to jaemin as he peered through the curtain. It was a dark floral dress that came just above my knees

“won’t you be cold?” he asked me

“i’ll get those knee socks.” i said pointing behind him

“don’t try and kill him all at once now.” Jaemin laughed i just pushed him out and changed back into my sweats.I mulled over that thoughts that chenle could see me in that way my cheeks warm. I had no problem being attracted to him. but these boys never talked about pretty girls or liking things like this, at least not around me all that much. I grabbed a pair of socks and we went to check out. we walked around for a little bit more and i ended up with some new make up.

“We’re leaving in half an hour!” Chenle yelled when we walked into his house. his mom walked in

“They went to the cafe about an hour ago.”

“what?” jaemin said

“yeah, they said that someone invited them to a tournament.”

“ugh stupid boys” i siad pouting

“You guys can still go.” chenle’s mom said “She really wants to see the boat. Take her.” chenle’s mom said in mandarin and he nodded

“we’ll have fun.” he said to me with a huge smile on his face.i nodded pouting a little for emphasis “go get ready.” he nodded at me and i ran up his stairs. once in the comfort of my borrowed room i quickly ripped tags and packaging off of my new clothes and put them on. The socks slouching over my knees just right i slipped into my boots and debated on which jacket to wear. i ended up opting for a sweater. there was a knock on the door. followed by

“it’s me” from Jaemin

“i’m nearly ready.” i said as he walked in, i was starting my make up. i kept it light but did a different coloured lip.

“k i’m gonna go camp in the bathroom til you guys leave.” he said “good luck, you’ve got this.” i was doing my hair when i heard him and chenle yelling at each other. Chenle was getting mad at him for being in the bathroom so long. “fine just the two of us then. We have to go.” He said “y/n! you ready?” He asked i could hear him stomping down the stairs

“coming.” i  took a deep breath and went to take a look in he mirror in the corner of the room. I took another deep breath then made my way down the stairs. 

“the car will be-” he stopped mid sentence as he looked at me. I swear he stopped breathing oh my god maybe he does really like me.

“huh?” I said pretending not to notice looking down to hide the blush on my cheeks. He looked down really quickly his cheeks started deepening in colour too as he played with the zipper on his backpack.

“it’ll be here any minute.” he said quietly as he slid his backpack on “Jaemin isn’t feeling good so he’s not coming.”

“Just us then.” i said

“yeah” he said “mom we’re going outside.” He yelled “be back in a few hours.” he said as he opened the door for me. The car pulled up and We got in. He sat in the back with me. “you’ve got you camera?” he asked me, i nodded “Mom made me bring blankets and heatpacks.” he laughed as he patted his backpack. “The boat ride itself is really short but the walk along the river after is my favourite part.” He said scrolling through his phone showing me the picture him and jisung had taken. “I’m kind of sad that the others couldn’t make it.” he said “but like also i’m glad i get to take you.” He said quietly “you and i have been talking about this forever now.” he laughed  

“I’m excited.” i said “thank you.” i said putting my hand on top of his. he flipped his hand over and offered to hold mine. My heart was racing and i hoped he couldn’t hear it. I thought about when i’d tell him. it wasn’t long before we pulled up  to the boat there we’re a few people already lining up and we ran over. “Stand there.” i said pointing to the sign I took a picture. he came an stood beside me. i watched him as he took tickets out of his wallet i thought i caught a glimpse of a polaroid but he shoved it down quickly and put it away. i just noticed that he had changed from our mall trip. He was wearing a black shirt with a denim jacket over and a ball cap. it was simple but he actually took time to change from his grey sweats he was wearing earlier. my heart fluttered as he took my hand and led me onto the boat. he told me where him and jisung were last time and said that we got the better spot this time. He smiled excitedly as the boat started moving away from the shore. I tried my best to hide the nervousness, he was seemingly unaffected by all this and i was obviously over thinking. He pulled me to stand in front of him. and he stood behind me not quite hugging me but leaning in close enough so he could tell me all the different building names and all the different landmarks we passed. I could feel his warmth radiating around me and i was glad for it. The wind was hitting my face alot harder than i thought it would. I couldn’t help the few shivers that escaped

“you cold? “he asked.

“a little i nodded. “stay close.” i said he pulled away and soon i was being wrapped in a blanket i grabbed his arms as he reached around front to keep him there i caught a glimpse of the bracelet i made him on his wrist. he sighed as he placed his head on top of mine and continued his tour guide spiel. I tried my best to relax in his touch, I was so incredibly comforting to have him wrapped around me like this. I thought back to the summer when we were at the lake, I still wanted to turn around and kiss him.

“you listening?” he asked

“hmm.” i said. he turned me in his grip and said

“back there...” but then trailed off as i looked up at him. I could see him swallow hard as our eyes met. He was going to kiss me oh my god He was leaning down his eyes closing. I closed my eyes tried my best to ignore my heartbeat going off in my ears. Out lips met, i froze for a second and so did he but at the same time we settled into the kiss our lips moving against each other gently. His breath hot and sweet, his lips soft against mine. My first kiss and it was with chenle oh my god this was happening. I slowly reached up and wrapped my arms around the back of his neck he moved his hand from my shoulders to behind my back pulling me closer into him.I had no idea chenle could be like this. Like it was still so soft and gentle but like it was not soft platonic touches or cuddling. Goosebumps were forming where ever he touched and i could feel myself warming up. tightly against him it was all too much i couldn’t breathe, reluctantly i pulled away and looked at him. His lips covered in my lipstick, his cheeks red. He took a deep breath in, I quickly pulled him back down to meet my lips again and we kissed a little less cautious this time. My heart is pounding in my ears, i only pulled away because the boat had come to a rough stop at the shore again. 

“y/n..” chenle says looking at me worry evident in his eyes as he packed the blanket in the bag

“I need to tell you something” i said grabbing him by the hand, we both bowed to the boat attendant and I led him to a bench by a bush across from the entrance pier. i sat down first and dragged him down with me and quickly said “i like you.” i said looking him in the eye, the blush fading on his face finally the lipstick still smeared a little on his lips “a lot.” i said looking down. 

“I do too.” he said quietly. “i mean i kissed you.” he said the blush coming back up on his cheeks 

“I was actually going to tell you tonight.” i said looking down. “i’ve liked you for awhile.” i admitted 

“SM christmas party.” He said to me 

“you knew?” 

“no that’s when i started liking you too.” he said his eyes meeting mine. i couldn’t help but laugh “what?” He asked 

“We wasted over half a year.” i said 

“i guess eh?”he half laughed “do the others know?” He asked 

“Jaemin knew and i guess Jeno does too.” i said 

“they set us up huh?” he asked. i laughed and nodded “okay. so you want to go on a real date?” He asked “i don’t really know how to do any of this.” he blushed laughing softly “i’ll take you to dinner.”

“i’d like that.”

“After that we can decide if this is really what we want.” he said. I was shocked at the maturity he was showing here. 

“i don’t want to lose you.” i  said “no matter what happens.” i said looking up at him and grabbing his hand 

“you won’t.” he said reassuringly. “Come on let’s go.” He said standing up and leading me down the side walk. “Was that your first kiss?” He asked shyly. i nodded and felt my cheeks warm up, i handed him a tissue and pointed to my lips. He wiped at his and blushed as he looked at the tissue. “Mine too.” he said 

“I actually wanted to do that for a long time.” I said quietly 

“Me too. i almost did a few times.” he admitted. My mind flashed back to all the lingering stares we’ve shared this past year. I wrapped my arms around his arm and walked. 

“i’m glad you did it.” i said 

“Me too.” he said wrapping his arm around me. We walked down the sidewalk, He was telling me all the landmarks on the shore. It was as if nothing ever happened but there was a huge sense of relief in me. He knew, I knew. It felt okay. “you look really pretty tonight.” he said quietly 

“ah, you’re adorable.” i said laughing. “i picked it just for you.” i said booping his nose and watched as the blush rose on his face. 

“Like i picked the dolphin just for you.” he said booping me back he immediately cringed and i couldn’t help but laugh at him still the same old chenle. i looked down and thought back to that day, a whole week earlier, it felt like we’ve been here forever already and i loved it. 

“it’s my favourite.”

“What about haechan’s bear.” he asked 

“are you jealous?” I teased him 

“psh.” he said shrugging it off. My heart was swelling god i just might love him. We made our way back to the car. he was showing me videos him an jisung took last time he was here. we talked and laughed the whole way home. When we got out of the car and before we went into the house he stopped me at the door and pulled me into him. He was so confident now “one for the road.” he said placing a small kiss on my lips, i couldn’t help but laugh as we were walking in. we were met with all the boys standing in the door way 

“we were just gonna call you guys.” Jeno said “We won! We won a free meal at this huge restaurant. your mom said it’s one of the nicest ones in shanghai.” He said coming over to show the coupon. 

“wow.” Chenle said “i can’t believe you guys ditched us.” 

“But you had fun didn’t you?” Jaemin asked looking at me 

“yeah!  you guys the city is beautiful!” i said “i took tons of pictures.”

“now chenle’s been on dates with both of his best friends.” haechan said laughing as he came into the room with a mouth full of food. Jisung shoved him. “Wow you dressed up for once! i almost didn’t recognize you” haechan said looking at me. “People must have thought you guys were actually on a date.” He laughed i rolled my eyes 

“i’m going to go change.” i said 

“what no. you look good.” Haechan said as i started stomping up the stairs. “i was just joking.” he said as i heard the guys murmuring and slapping him. I walked into the room and wiped off my make up, i took off my dress and put on my robe 

“i’m gonna shower.” i said walking out of the room 

“k, we’re going to the convenience store. want something?” Jeno asked 

“pick me something good” i yelled down the stairs as i walked into the bathroom. i really was kind of chilly so the warm water felt amazing, i washed my hair softly and tried my best not to think about how happy i was that chenle and i kissed. after i got, i went down and found chenle’s mom sitting on the couch in the living room. i grabbed my bag from the table i put it  on and went to sit with her 

“You having fun?” she asked me 

“yeah.” i said “i had a really good time tonight.” i said as i sorted through my pictures.looking at the one i took of chenle unable to hide my smile 

“That’s good.” She said with a smile i wondered if she knew how he felt. “chenle was really excited for this.” she said “i’m glad you went with him.”

“Me too.” i said showing her the pictures. She flipped through them smiling at them. 

“I always worry about him.” She said “but i know he has you guys and i know he’ll be okay.” she said

“Thank you for allowing us to stay here.” i said “i can’t thank you enough. You do so much for us already in korea. and now here” i said “i love you.” i said cutely in mandarin while flashing her a finger heart. She laughed and gave me a heart back we actually got along really well from the beginning. She always made sure the boys took care of me. 

“I’m glad chenle has you.” she said seriously “you and jisung mean the most to him. you know.” she said i nodded. just then the boys bust through the door laughing loudly as they walked into the living room. Jisung threw a bag at me i opened it and it was full of all of my favourite things

“we’re sorry for ditching you.” Jeno said “please forgive us.” Haechan plopped himself on the couch beside me and offered me a chip out of his bag. his way of apologizing i took it and he smiled at me. 

“it’s okay.” i said “here” i said handing  them the pictures. They all took turns looking at them and oohing and ahhing over the views. We talked about when we were going to go to the fancy restaurant. The boys replayed their grand win bickering over who got the most important kill. Jaemin told us of his nap. then we all slowly made our way to bed. i fell asleep that night the the orange dolphin a little closer than usual. 

Two days had passed. Chenle and i had our date tonight, He didn’t sneak anymore kisses on me. Jaemin was so excited for me and i was actually really excited. 

“you guys should tell the others.” 

“maybe after we come back.” i said “we still don’t know if we’re gonna be together.” i said  

“as if you guys won’t, you’ve been all over each other these past few days.” 

“what! no.”i protested. 

“Renjun literally asked chenle if you’re in love with him at breakfast this morning.” he said

“well i mean i am but jeez. it isn’t that obvious.” 

“ah you’re too far gone.” He said walking out of the room. chenle and i were going to sneak away and then come back later, He told me to meet him out back at 4 and it was 3:55. I opted for leggings and a flowy shirt with a jean jacket tonight. I walked out of the room and down into the halls sneaking by everyone. Jeno and Haechan were playing a game on chenle’s TV Jaemin, Jisung and Renjun were just leaving for the store. Now was the perfect time to leave. i was walking out with my back to yard facing the door in case anyone heard. I backed into something and screamed only for chenle to wrap his arms around me and say shh. 

“Sorry.” i said “ i didn’t think you’d be here yet.” I whispered. 

“let’s go.” he said. his soft smile meeting his eyes, my heart was fluttering. You always hear those songs about two young lovers running off into the night. 

The glow of the flourescent lights harsh above us. Chenle picked his favourite restaurant in all of shanghai for us to eat at. A tiny dive looking place just around the corner from his house. He didn’t bring us here yet. “i was saving it for you.” he said when i asked why he hadn’t brought us here yet. 

“you still have my bracelet.” I said as i watched him play with his chopsticks and napkin. 

“yeah.” he said blushing looking down. “I’m the only one.” He said “the stylists cut off the others but i’m good at keeping mine hidden.” he laughed “i also have this.” he said taking out his wallet he pulled out a polaroid. “From the night at the lake with renjun.” he said 

“you’ve had it all this time?” i asked him. he nodded “i thought we lost it while packing.”

“look at this.” i said showing him his profile picture on my phone it was on of the polaroids i took of him during the camping trip. “you’re the only one with a picture. when you call you light up my phone.” i said. he laughed looking down “too much?” i asked 

“no.” he said “I really like you.” he said “i hope you know that.” 

“i do too.” i said grabbing his hand 

“So are we going to try this out?” he asked looking down then up at me with his soft puppy eyes.

“yes.” i said  he kissed me hand 

“to seal the deal.” he laughed and just like that i had a boyfriend, my first boyfriend. The first love i’d tell me kids about someday was sitting right in front of me with the biggest smile on his face. 

[ceffythesquirrel]

Millionaire!Virgil AU

So this idea came into my head early this morning and I love it! So let me set it up for you in bullet points. ((Also charachter death by murder, but none of the sides die.))

First thing you should know is that Virgil's parents were well-off, but not exactly rich, the millionaire status came from Virgil's career as a well known musician.

He had gigs everywhere! Around the world, Hollywood, he was just that good. Everyone wanted him and he played/even acted in movies. It didnt mean he didnt have anxiety after years of public performance he just dealt with it.

He kept up his emo facad and ditched the people who wanted him to be professional. He hated suits and ties.

Well...because Virgil is bisexual in this AU he met his future wife who was the vocalist for a band that was climbing in ranks and popularity quite high! She had a similar style and attitude to Virgil's and they got along really well.

The band she sang for really liked Virgil too and so they decided to tour together which grew the popularity of both musical artists to the number one spot for top song.

At the end of the tour they both realized that they really liked each other and wanted to settle down and have a family.

So they bought a mansion together along the Florida coast and used that as their home.

They already had their first kid, Patton, by the time they wed and she was pregnant with her second. They still toured the country and were just as famous.

The couple was really big in magazines as fans fawned over them.

But it all changed when Roman was born.

Not that it was Roman's fault, it was the amount of work he was as a child.

They had to cut the amount of time they would spend on their jobs and work solely at home. They would take turns going and performing before coming home to take care of the kids.

That's when another next door hotshot neighbor who also was a Nascar driver (Remy), advised them to get a Butler.

Virgil was absolutely against it. He didnt want a person they hired to watch his kids, even though his wife told him it was like a longterm babysitter.

After some talking though, she was able to convince him.

So they hired a butler who doesn't need a name because as you will soon see he is an asshole.

They trusted the butler with the kids and at first he was fine!

Did everything he needed to, handled Roman like a champ so it seemed okay.

Up until Virgil left his wife and kids with him.

((DEATH WARNING!))

He got a call from the house and it was Patton crying.

He abandoned his show that night to fly home as fast as he could. He didn't know what was going on, but he knew it wasnt good.

He comes home to catch the butler hauling off the evidence of his wife's murder in a bodysack. He calls the police and tries to fight the guy off.

Police arrive extremely fast, and are able to arrest the guy and question him.

Virgil is livid, but is relieved to see his kids are unharmed. They told the story of how they saw their mom die in front of their faces and clung to Virgil like he was their only lifeline.

Appariently the butler only wanted to get rich, and he figured killing them off one by one and blaming it on an accident would have the most benefit.

Virgil actually laughed at his dimwittedness at that. You can imagine how much grief he has, as he feels he's going insane.

This also caused Remy and Virgil to have a strained relationship. In reality, Remy actually blamed himself for Virgil's wife's death.

So his wife's funeral went viral and when the world heard about the news everyone was sad. They were such an inseparable pair.

He spoke some and their kids came too. And Patton...sweet Patton..."Don't worry daddy! Mommy's right here!" Pointing to his heart and then point's to Virgil's heart. "Right here too!" The poor guy lost it on stage and he stated right there and then he was gonna retire, even though he was only in his late 20's. He had so much grief to struggle through and he didnt wanna be one second away from his kids.

It was sad that Roman seemed the most oblivious, he was four when his mom passed away, but still didn't understand his mom was gone.

He understood six months after her passing and just wailed in bed, Virgil and Patton laid with him and he cuddled with his sons until they all fell asleep together.

He kept getting call after call to do music, but he kept turning it down. He was enjoying his time with his kids and loving on them the best way he could.

Several agencies came to his door, asking if he needed any help in raising his kids and he closed the door on them before they could say anything after 'child'.

As they grew a little bit older, he was having trouble raising them on his own.

That's when Patton came to his father one day. "Dad? I...I think you need some help." He said it in the most loving way he could.

Virgil just pushed his anger down and said no, but Patton came back a few days later and told him the same thing.

It was then he realized doing all of this full time was too much for him. He couldnt even adequately teach his kids.

Roman couldnt read yet and he was almost 8.

That's when Remy finally talked to him again, and suggested a private tutor.

Virgil had the money, but still said no. Though as he thought about it, it appealed to him. The tutor would only be here for a couple hours, then leave.

Virgil and Remy had gotten to a better standing at this point after finding out he's been shooing child protective agencies off of his property for a couple years now, and decided to give it a shot.

Lo and behold, here comes Logan, 29-year-old tutor who Patton takes a liking to immediatly. "He has glasses!" He was excited to see someone else in the house that wore spectacles too, since he was the only one who did for awhile.

Logan is surprised to see this 10-year-old now hugging his legs, but he smiles and returns it.

Logan looks up to see Virgil, one of his favorite musicians ever. He didn't know he was gonna be teaching his kids. He gulps, knowing the story too well and also the fact that Virgil probably didnt trust anyone outside of his nextdoor neighbor and his kids. It would be a rough first couple weeks.

Virgil lets him inside and talks to him about the state of his kid's education. Thankfully, Logan was able to keep the fanboy inside as they talked.

As he began school the next day, Patton learned exceptionally fast. He was almost to the level other kids were at his age.

Roman on the other hand was a handful. The kid hated school and it took a couple days before Logan found away to get Roman to sit still. Roman loved fantasy, dragons, and fairytales, so he decided to base his curriculum of that which he loved.

"How many dragons do you see here Roman?" "Three!" "Good...and if one were to fly away, how many would there be?" "Two!" "Good job!" And it worked like magic.

Virgil finally trusted Logan enough to be away a little bit in different parts of the house to pay bills, do taxes and housework, but the skepticism would never fully go away and Logan understood why.

((Honestly this is all I have. I hope you all enjoy this weird idea or whatever! You decide if it should be Analogical!))

[boy-porridge-vent]

April 9 2020 Twitter Thread Rant

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger. I'll only come here to vent or talk about my issues 

 Future TW// self harm ed suic*dal thoughts abuse idk, other stuff that is bad ig lmao This is my space to do with as I please

Even blocked my partner and best friends :) Happy now? Scum.

In fact, even just to make my abusive ex and my other cheating ex happy, I not only blocked them but blocked every from school I could find There. Now truly nobody knows me. Are you guys happy now? Forcing your victim to stay quiet & hide AGAIN? Like youve always done to me?????

Fake ass.... you claim to be my friend yet anything I tell you goes straight to my ex and drama starts again bc you pretend to be on my side hating her, then youre on her side against me Now youre taking screenshots from my friends and sending them to my ex... shady shit

call me a hypocrite yet youre being hypocritical on your story. I see haha

telling people to write in a diary instead of online, yet you've written how you feel online, you made 9-12 public posts for ~460 people to see, all with rants and venting about me, made 5 public stories about my friend and brought my name into it. When will you learn.

you say something like "you can talk shit and its ok, but when it do it, its not ok?" no, here's the problem. You do it in the wrong way. We actually keep it private and resolve our anger with friends that are also struggling bc of you and understand the situation

most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger.

when my friend posted to his story about you, it was on his PRIVATE VENT account.... what it's supposed to be used for....? Venting about how he feels abt my other ex copying him, and you giving into my ex simply bc you both dislike me. It's childish. 

You and my ex go on public ramblings for everyone to see and use direct names or usernames as if people are gonna hunt us down? Ive never done that to you. I talk about you with my friends at school sure, but online? I NEVER shared your username. NEVER shared your name. Nothing.

The only info people could use to figure out who you were was me calling you a cheater, using the word "whore" because thats what you CALLED YOURSELF as we were breaking up!!!!! And talking about your pet that you only have because of me

You also say me and many of my friends are cowards for blocking you, bc if we werent blocking you you'd be "all up in our dm's" is that why you made a whole new twitter account dedicated to calling me a clown and immediately blocked me so I couldnt find it?? Okay "coward"

I blocked you bc you've admitted to people that you stalk my instagram, you stalk my twitter, yet when i block you to make you stop (bc ive had issues with stalking before) you get mad??? youre like "ok coward, if you had nothing to hide then why did block and private"

because 1.) i dont like stalkers and you know that 2.) i made everything private bc you were literally throwing a fit about how my months and months old rants were pUbLiC and anybody could see them, so I made it private so ppl dont read about you,

now now youre mad bc you cant go through my twitter anymore without following  and you cant find anymore of your sacred screenshots. again, i have nothing to hide. thats why i havent deleted my old tweets. bc I stand by what I say.

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it

the other time i deleted was march 31? bc you decided to use your NEW bf to get onto his old account (which hadnt been active since 2017....) and retweet a vent of mine. I was like "yea no im not gonna have you stalk my twitter through your bf thats ridiculous"

after he retweeted, you went on that posting spree on instagram about how all my stuff was public. So i deleted the tweet he retweeted just to make you happy. It's either leave them public and you shame me for public tweeting, delete them but ur mad that im being fake? or make my account private and now youre mad bc you cant search through my account of 4 years like the gross rat you are

it's funny how you can also post public tweets about me for your followers to see, and when I find out I didnt say shit to you, didnt start drama with you, i took my screenshots and left. then you deleted them..... i bet if someone called you out for it you would pretend you didnt say shit until someone pulled out the screenshots bc that's what you do, you act like you did nothing until somebody proves you wrong w the evidence, then u pretend like "ohh those tweets! Um yea, uh..."

wit yo fake ass you were all our friend, you were in the friend group bc we cared about you, until you dated me on and off over and over, tried to fuck one of our friends after prom, crushed on one of my friends and your coworker, bitched at me if i didnt invite you to hangout.. even if you ween invited, dated me again while also dating someone from discord while also being sneaky with one of your neighbor guys. Calling me a crybaby for being upset about the breakup even tho you vented about your military ex for months and months..... you even went to your online discord friend who was now your ex and told him how shitty my friends and I were for not inviting you to the Halloween party..... funny thing about that... you chose to opt out. You wanted to spend halloween with your new bf, the one in college, but guess what? He left your ass to go to his own party, so after that THEN you changed your mind and wanted to go to OUR party

OUR party, which had maxed out the guest limit. You said you didnt want to go, so you got removed and replaced with somebody else who COULD and WANTED to go. Tough luck. You leave the line at the BMV, you get sent to the back. Thats how it works.

Then u told your discord ex how shitty we all were & made us out to be shitheads bc we "didnt invite u" we did invite you. u chose not to go until it was too late. that was ur fault. not to mention u had been starting drama & being weirdly sexual w ppl in the group at the time

you wanted to fuck my friend after prom despite knowing he was crushing on a girl & wanted to make it work??? Wanted to suck my friend's dick in the back of the culinary room despite knowing he was with another girl? flirting w girls online despite having a partner? disgustang

even now, u JUST got w a new dude & youre already telling people abt the weird shit yall do. Ur sending him to spy on ppl from the friend group. Getting him involved even tho he's really chill & I have no problem w him??? I hated J bc he was w you, I dont wanna hate this guy too

like damn shawty u say im a hypocrite for not lettin u shit talk.... i do let u. Ive caught u saying shit on twitter & insta but Ive never made any posts abt it like u did. i saw what u said on twitter, or even our dms when u call me a crybaby? but i never posted about it like u

i couldve totally taken a screenshot of your immature dm of insults and no actual argument and posted it all over the place, but I didnt. I couldve posted your vents and rants from twitter, your main insta, and your vent insta all over the place, but I never did. Yet you can??

[bulldagger-bait]

Sometimes I really hate the fact I was born female.

I hate that fact that men don't take me seriously.

I hate that I'm seen as a harpy whenever I show slight passion about a topic.

I hate that I was raised in a school where the boys thought I was insane for being a feminist. Where boys took pictures of me after saying "women only belong in two places, the kitchen and the bedroom", and then posting them all over social media calling me the "angry man hating lesbian feminist". I hate that a boy negged me on in chemistry class, sexually harassed me, and then when I lost it at him my chemistry teacher told me to calm down, that I was overreacting. I hate that when i told him to fuck off, and got sent to the deputy principal to explain myself. Me. Not him. Not the boy who was harrassing me, or the teacher that allowed it in his classroom.

I hate that when I told my dad a boy had been sexually harassing me, he went behind my back, contacted his parents and my school administration. I hate that I was then called into my deputy principals office and told that this had all "been blown out of proportion" and that I was being unreasonable. But it wasn't unreasonable for that boy to say he couldnt wait until I was 18 to get me drunk and high so he could have sex with me. When I was an out lesbian.

I hate that one of my friends was raped by a boy in our school. I hate that when she told the school they didn't believe her. I hate that they made her continue to share classes with him. I hate that she was threatened with suspension for spreading lies about "such a serious topic" and that he was able to keep harassing her on school grounds, unchecked.

I hate that one of my friends thought it was okay to threaten to rape me in front of my entire social group as a joke. And then I was seen as a hysterical bitch for telling my most trusted teacher. She actually did something about the situation. I was then ostracised from that group of friends. I "couldnt take a joke" apparently.

I hate that when I was nine years old I was riding my bike around my neighbourhood, and a boy five years my senior cornered me in an alleyway and tried to rape me not twenty meters away from my front door.

I hate that when I was younger a boy would hit me, scratch me, pull my hair, twist my arm, dig his grubby little fingers into my pressure points, making me cry out with pain, only to be told it was because he liked me. I hate that I believed it. I hate that I let it continue for two years. For two years my "best friend" covered me in bruises, and I let him because it made me feel pretty and wanted. I was ten.

I hate that when I was fourteen and desperate to convince myself I wasn't gay, a boy who i thought was my friend tried to pressure me into dating him only to then tell me about his porn addiction—his words, not mine—and call me an insensitive cunt for getting as far away from him as possible. After he told me about the things he'd like to do to me. Not with me. To me. As fourteen year olds. As children.

I hate that I was forced into pink and shaved legs and make up and long hair.

I hate that my mother made me cut up boxer shorts I had bought because I was sick and tired of wearing panties. Because some guy had made some comment about my grammy-panties. Never mind the fact that they were comfortable. I bought boxers because they were closer to shorts and I thought boys would just leave me alone. I bought boxers because they were cool and had superheroes on them and were comfortable. I bought boxers because I was sick and tired of the neon pink panties my mother had been making me wear for my entire life.

I hate that I wore pigtails to school and a boy called them "ride-me handle-bars".

I hate that when I cut my hair off the first thing people assumed I was, was a man. As if its that easy to take my womanhood away from me. As if all that makes a woman is long hair. I hate that I was called "skank who was trying to hard" when I had long hair, an "art hoe" when I had short hair, and a "dyke", "failed woman", "wannabe man" when it was cropped.

I hate that at 8 years old I was being bullied for being ugly. Because I had unkempt eyebrows. Unshaven legs. Tangled hair. Sweaty skin. Scraped knees. A crooked smile. Because I wasn't a child model. Because I wasn't some pedophiles wet dream.

I hate that I'm considered incompetent for certain jobs because of my menstrual cycle. Because women are too over emotional when they're "pms-ing" or "on the rag"

I hate that a man's go to insult for me is "cunt". Something that dehumanises me to my genitals. How silly of me to think I was anything more than just a hole for someone to fuck.

I hate that someone took advantage of my sexuality. Because I was repressed. Because I was a woman who grew up in a christian environment. Because I was a lesbian who was still convinced I could be straight. Because there was a pretty woman who knew she could manipulate me. I hate how there are people who still think its my fault, or that lesbian sex isnt even real so how could I be raped? Or that women can't rape. I hate that I had been convinced that what happened to me was normal. Because women are frigid bitches that don't want sex, but their partners do, and its "inhumane" to not put out.

I hate that I am paid less. And that people don't believe women arent paid less. Despite the fact that their is mountains of evidence to support our argument.

I hate that I had to do twice the work to get half the recognition in school.

I hate that a boy with no experience and no drive was seen as a more suitable leader than I was. Because I was a "controlling bitch". I hate that I did an incredible amount of work on the student council and he got to take the credit for it. I hate that he was a worse student but was seen as more acedemically gifted than I was.

I hate the double standards.

I hate how every part of my body is sexualised. I hate how my disability is sexualised.

I hate how when I mentioned my chronic pain condition to my male classmates, they made comments about how I would make a fantastic masochist. I hate that I internalised it. I hate that I believed them. I hate that when I got into a sexual relationship I let her hurt me—even though i didn't like it—because I throught kinky sex was the bare minimum and "vanilla" was for frigid prudes.

I hate that my body is not mine, but rather belongs to the public. For the government to legislate. For strangers to ogle at. For my father to control. And when I speak up I'm an unreasonable bitch. When I demand agency, I'm insane.

I hate how the odds were stacked against me since birth all because of that second x chromosome. All because some doctor said "its a girl" and immediately half of my opportunities were removed because they "weren't for girls".

I hate that in order to keep a job I am supposed to adhere to femininity. That not wearing make up is seen as lazy and unhygienic. That I need to "fix my eyebrows". That I need to shave my "gross gorilla legs".

I hate all this bullshit bagage that comes with being female. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that I am my own voyeur. I hate that even in my most private moments I am focused on how an unseen gaze would percieve me.

I hate that the slightest devience from "purity" will be met with threats of violence. That if someone doesnt agree with my politics I can be told to "choke on a dick" and to "kill myself" and whoever said that is safe in the knowledge that their community supports their words and actions. That if I step a toe out of line or make a mistake I deserve the full force of misogyny that people have been waiting to dole out to an appropriate victim.

I hate that my own father sexualised me. I hate that he abused me. I hate that he got away with it all because "teen girls make up that kind of stuff for attention". Because he was an "upstanding man". I hate that believes he is guiltless. I hate that he has manipulated and gaslighted me into believing his version of events. I hate that when I speak up I need to be careful because "he's a good man" and "he doesnt seem like the kind to do that" and that "you're blowing things out of proportion, I'm sure it was never like that."

I hate that when women accuse men of violence its "he said, she said". But when men accuse women of the same they are instantly believed. I hate that my voice holds less weight than a man's.

I hate that the religion I was raised in told me not to speak in church. Not to ask questions. To submit to men. To cover my head before god. That braided hair was sinful and vain.

I hate that I was taught there was no such thing as a female orgasm in order to discourage me from having sex. That I was told sex would be painful. And yet I was also told that when I married a man I should freely give him sex because it was my duty to serve him and bear children.

I hate that I'm seen as a baby factory.

I hate that I'm seen as a collection of body parts. A uterus. A pair of tits. A vagina.

I'm not those things. I am made up of those things, but they do not define my worth. I am made of carbon, but you wouldn't call me "an arrangement of carbon atoms" or "a carbon storage system" or "a carbon factory"

I hate that when I talk about my experience with womanhood I need to twist myself into knots to not step on any toes or offend. I hate that I have to be palatable when I am upset and enraged.

I hate that my anger is demonised and sexualised.

I hate that my love is fetished by heterosexual men. I hate that they see lesbianism as this empty thing to get off to.

I hate that I don't feel safe holding my girlfriend's hand in public. I love her more than anything in the world and my skin burns when I don't get to touch her. I hate that sometimes I get scared and call her my "friend". Not girlfriend. I hate that in public I feel ashamed to love her.

I hate it that my homosexuality is debated. I hate that it is seen as disgusting.

I hate that I have been taught and socialised that every single part of who I am is fundamentally flawed in some way.

And yet, despite all this, there are days where I am grateful for who I am. There are days when this body is not my enemy. There are days when I love my womanhood, however that may appear. There are days when I am unbothered by the thoughts of others. There are days where I am unafraid to love who I love and to love proudly.

There are days where the pain and anger of the past drive me to be happy.

I know those days won't last. They never do. There's always a slur, or a misogynist, or an abuser, or a traumatic memory. There's always a right being infringed upon, or an aspect of my body made public property, and it takes me right back to the anger.

I could never stop being angry. There is too much pain in this body to forgive and forget.

But sometimes, I don't hate the fact that I was born female. Some days I'm proud.

[monohart]

stardust. (idol!au)

ft. huang renjun, failure and a secret relationship.

i’m back after a long break, haha. this was an old writing that had been sitting up in my drafts for a while... happy 2019! please spend this year showing more love to renjun. :)

thank you, and enjoy!

when you were cut from the line up for sm’s new group renjun was 100 times more devastated then u were

u were like hey rj cmon don’t worry i’ll be fine??? i’m sure i can audition for another company or smth?? or wait for the next unit debut??

u even jokingly said maybe u could debut in an nct unit but he couldn’t bring himself to smile

and your chest :(( hurt :(( from seeing him so hurt ;;;

ofc for as long as you remember y’all had been talking about both debuting under sm at the same time so y’all could be chasing your dreams and not be too far away from each other

but that plan failed when renjun debuted first with nct dream and had his schedule Packed w nct promotions and concerts and stuff

he and the other nct guys would sometimes let u sit behind the camera in vlives

this one time omg

(( ok so refer to this for a visual :) ))

u sat behind the camera in the chenle jaemin renjun react to baby don’t stop vlive

even though u were hella scared to be kicked out chenle was like HEY DW I’LL FIGHT ANYONE WHO THINKS YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE THERE OKAY

so u snuck out of your practice session slightly earlier to watch them

renjun was so excited u were there but obvs he had to keep it together for the live

then!! lolololol rip your manager found out u snuck out of practice and found u in the room and pulled u out of the room

(u kno that moment when they all looked behind the camera and then turned down the music.. yeah issa bc ur crazy manager almoST ruined the mood)

manager scolded u outside the room for a good few minutes and then told u to get yourself together

and u stood outside the room for a bit longer after manager left

and u were literally about to leave but then guess who u ran into!!!

chittaphon knew about u and rj since the day he met u and him both

it was kinda funny really bc u and rj stood rly awkwardly next to each other at this company event a few years ago and y’all were standing around the other dreamies and some other trainees and suddenly renjun’s hand brushed the side of your leg and u glance at him and he smiles at u and u look away smiling

AND chittaphon, who happens to be taking a nice long sip of his soda SEES THIS and spits his soda out

accidentally sprays soda onto jeffery’s back

but yeah thats another story

anyway!!!!

ten sees u sulking outside the door and peers in and sees renjun and hears bds

u know that smile smirk ten does when he knows whats Up™.

yeah he does that and be like

“eyy why don’t u go in???”

then u give him a breakdown of what happened with skipping practice and being caught by the manager

and hes like :o

but chittaphon is chittaphon so he grabs you by the wrist and pulls you back into the practice room and hides you in a corner just out of view

and then he sneaks onto them!!

then jaemin... quick-eyed, lovely doe-eyed jaemin... sees u hiding and nudges renjun ever so slightly

he sees u and before he gets flustered ten’s all over him asking how the mv was and flustered rj tries to keep his cool while showering chittaphon w compliments

and u know how ten looks at him like That :^)

and jaemin keeps peeking over their shoulders

yeah :))

OK I SPENT TOO LONG DESCRIBING THIS

but anyway, on that night u were cut from the line up

after the news got to him he sits down and was just like

:(

because he knew how much debuting meant to u and

and... YOUR DREAMS TO BE TOGETHER :(( debuting together and always being close to each other

and u mentioned before that if u dont debut in the next five years u prolly would quit the entertainment industry

maybe go back to school and study some or idk work in a less chaotic industry

in that moment he remembered what u said and was a little heartbroken too

he tried to find you in your usual practice room but u weren’t there and he shouldn’t be loitering around so he gave up and let you have some space

bet u he sulked all the way home

you had travelled back to your dorm because u needed some time alone oof

it took u a good few hours to deal with the news and when u were ready to talk about it again, it was like 3am but u still gave his mobile a call

he picked up on the second ring and said to meet him outside your dorm in a few mins and y’all can go take a walk or smth for some fresh air

so u guys go to the park for a nice quiet walk in the dead of night hhh

u had so many things to say but mostly u were worried with your relationship w him and how y’all were supposed to balance that out given his priorities with nct and you as... just a trainee...

u didnt have to explain anything or other bc he suddenly goes

“what if we went public with our relationship?”

u look up at his face that was hidden behind a mask and his glasses

u deadass thought he was kidding but his that look in his eyes were like hella serious

“just think about it for a second. maybe we don’t have to bring it to the fans, but at least let the company know”

and u were like no way they’ll just do anything to keep yall apart

he didnt answer after that and not too long later yall started heading back to your dorm

it was almost 5am and the streets were still dark and renjun had an arm around your waist and you leant against him and yall walked slowly bc honestly u guys haven’t slept a wink and its been a Really Long day

your dorm was a street away from his

actually he stops about a street or two away from your dorm bc another idol group also lived in the same building as u and there were always sasaengs and people w cameras outside your dorm

u were a trainee so it didnt bother u but renjun was renjun :,)

plus he actually wanted sum privacy so he could kiss u.. so...

hsaksdnd

there was a narrow alley just around the back of the apartment block next to yours

u would never go there alone kasdnj it was scary at any time of the day

tbh

u wouldn’t go even if someone was there with u

maybe it was the heat of the moment or u were just so down that day

it didn’t rly bother u when renjun gently backed u up against the wall and hugged u n took off his mask n buried his face in the crook of ur neck

and that immediately put a smile on your face ur like baby wyd its 5am

hes looks at u like :(( and says “i miss u” in a quiet quiet voice & in his mother tongue

u knew what it meant and hearing him say it in chinese made you uwu to mars

then he showers u with like tiny tiny butterfly kisses and he wraps his arms around u to make u feel safe and warm

which u do!!

he holds u up too when ur knees buckle a bit but then just continues kissing u hehehe

its all sweet and innocent but his kisses last just a tiny bit longer each time, as if hes scared that you’d run away

after he finishes kissing u he meets your eyes and u literally watch his orbs go all soft and he hides his face in your neck again while u mutter about how much of a big baby he is

the goodnight was!!!

the hardest thing y’all had to do omg

he literally didnt want to let u go

and when he did and when u started walking toward ur building u kept looking back, wanting him to head off but he didnt and stood there waiting for u to go in

and u didnt want to go in without knowing he was on his way home and was safe on the walk back wdf it was almost 6am

then when u were almost at the door u saw he hadn’t moved an inch

so u run back to him

he was still standing at the spot where y’all parted - which was a few streets down and out of sight

he scolds u for running back out but he smiles when doing so and u snap his mask back onto his face and kisses him over the mask like 200 times and u couldnt see but hes like dying from the giggles

anyway eventually y’all go home :,) it just took forever :,)

the next day u head to the building in the afternoon to catch up on some sleep

u were a bit guilty to find out renjun went back to work at 7am which meant he practically didnt get any sleep

y’all brush shoulders in the cafeteria but he was walking w hyuck and his manager so u couldn’t stop and chat

tho u couldn’t help but notice his manager steal a glance at u when u walked by and he had this really weird smile on his lips

made u go like huh.,, maybe he recognises me from the many Brief encounters yall had before

anyway u were doing some vocal and keyboard practice later in the afternoon when the door to the private training suite opened and two loud boys stumbled in

made u rly surprised bc u never expected it to be them??

it was taeyong and winwin??

they were both looking at u like :))) as if they did something great :))

taeyong introduces himself formally but you’re like ,, um u know we’ve met before at this function and hes like OH,,, sorry

anyway they were there to tell u how renjun couldn’t shut up about u since he went back to the dorm last night and now all of nct knows about everything to know about u and him (if they hadn’t already)

you’re just like .,, oof what embarrassing stuff did he say

they’re like NO ALL NICE STUFF,, a bit cringey at times

but !! nct wanted to help u

so earlier today

johnny and jaehyun spoke to their managers and night night producers and asked if they could hire a third radio dj - yknow someone who also speaks english and is really nice and entertaining and funny and cool like u are!!

that idea is now In The Talks

winwin brought up a variety thing china line and their managers had been thinking about for a while and also asked if they could consider u

nct managers be like ok so who actually is this trainee and why are all 18 boys obsessively asking to include her in nct activities

later that day when u see renjun again he was just heading off but he came around your practice room to see u before he left

thankfully u were the only one left at practice as the others were away busy preparing for their debut or smth :,)

u didnt hear him come in bc u were sitting in the middle of the room on the floor scrolling replying to week old texts oop hehe

renjun sneaks up behind u and hugs u from behind and kisses your cheek

he got a bit scared when u didn’t respond as explosively as he thought... for a second he thought he got the wrong person poor bean he was so nervous hhh

you chuck your phone aside and tackle him and he falls onto his back and yall kinda lay there on the ground for a bit

and you told him about taeyong and winwin visiting u and he just smiles

“you inspire me.”

“me? inspire you? you’re huang freakin’ renjun, and i, of all people, inspire you?”

“yeah”

“don’t understand u sometimes”

he turns his head to look at u and u turn to look at him and he kinda just admires you for a while then reach over and touches your cheek

it wasnt even a sweet caress or anything he literally just

touched

your cheek

“renjun what the heck”

then he laughs and u laugh and u snuggle against him and for the first time that week both of u feel completely at ease bc even though the dream u guys shared at the beginning was completely shattered,

y’all would still find a way around it

and knowing so many people around u still supported u guys meant so much

especially to renjun bc u were his everything and he’d do anything for u

and i mean it!!!