#i could probably add more to this about OCD-like thinking specifically but i should probably go eat my dinner now aklsdjflks

[applestorms]

i think cottagecore is like the ultimate anti-rape culture white woman fantasy. it's a vision of reality where Girls* go to picnics and feed each other strawberries and kiss behind the willow trees, where nothing is ever bad or hurtful in a truly meaningful way, where love and safety is the unifying factor of reality. i'm frankly more surprised that some people ever thought this had anything to do with actual rural country life or farming-- at it's center, cottagecore is not just interested in getting away from the city to get away from capitalism or the other struggles of modern life. it's also, fundamentally, about getting away from Men, to a utopian garden of eden on the outskirts where Men simply do not exist, and therefore cannot harm or rape you.

*white, cis, skinny, traditionally attractive, etc.

so many of the Comforting aesthetics and purity politics that we have come to cultivate online in recent years come down to this idea, in my opinion-- a desire to find a Safe Space, to fade away into the fantasy of your Comfort Characters, to find the one singular location of true Stability in a world where everything else is fated to be horrible and terrible forever. it's the negative space of doomer culture, the pessimism that blew up after trump's first election, after the color-blind ignorance of the obama era was sufficiently destroyed by a horror so visible and blatant you simply cannot look away from it. it's no wonder so many of these aesthetics and ideas blew up to the degree that they did during 2020, in the midst of so much global instability and hopelessness. people wanted, and still want, something Pure and Good to take shelter within in the face of all this Evil-- a shell you can hide inside where everything will be perfect forever even as the storm rages on outside, beyond your control and beyond what you want to think about.

it's a flawed way of thinking, of course. black and white to an extreme. you can never find a place that is truly Pure and Good to the intense standards that you set, simply by nature of how those standards themselves are made and enforced-- not only are people simply too complex and nuanced, but the desire for something Freed From Evil itself inherently creates a more and more impossible standard, that is either overly-regulatory of anything that could be even a speck of Problematic™, or is necessarily blind to its own faults and biases (e.g. cottagecore as white lesbian tradwives). and, on the other side, the world outside is not Pure Evil either-- there is still hope to be found, ways in which we can make our systems work For Us, and ways in which we can change them (though those approaches may be difficult or require collaborative effort we, at the moment, simply have not coordinated).

[cripplecharacters]

Hi. I have OCD (and various other mental illnesses) and have a character who has OCD. However, this character lives in a setting with aliens who are basically psychic with extra steps (they communicate via electromagnetic fields and can identify and interact with humans brain's electrical impulses.) What I'm wondering is should I make it so these aliens can like, easily distinguish some types of neurodiversity. i.e. they can easily recognize OCD character because his thought/brain patterns are more "repetitive?"

Personally I'm very torn on this. On one hand it feels validating because like a sort of "proof" that the difference is there and to ignore it is foolish. But at the same time it feels reductive to be, even indirectly, identified primarily by disability.

Possibly relevant, I don't think all neurodiversity should be easily identifiable by this species. Like I don't think autism could be identified (too much variation) but maybe something like DID could (parts of the brain field are somewhat "segregated")

Thank you for your ask! I think if the aliens have had contact with humans (or similar alien species) before, they might have some knowledge on what conditions are associated with certain thought patterns. If the aliens haven’t specifically spoken to humans on the matter they might make their own classifications which would probably look a lot different than ours (especially with how wide symptoms vary in one condition and how many symptoms overlap in so many conditions).

Your character doesn’t have to be only identified by their OCD, that may be what stands out at first to the aliens but if your character is well rounded they can be identified by their other traits. For example, when you first meet someone you might think of them as ‘the person with the interesting fashion sense,’ but as time goes on and you learn more about them you associate them with more traits.

Have a nice day!

Mod Rot

Hey!

I think that it's an interesting idea. I feel that it would make sense for an alien psychic creature to recognize that there are some "thinking patterns" that some humans sometimes have. As an example, I can see how they would pick up that certain people have a very specific Pure O pattern just from psychic-ing various people.

Depending on if/how the topic of mental health/neurodiversity exists in the alien society, they might not even necessarily consider it as such. If they don't recognize the pattern as a disorder, they might just think of it as a type of thinking that humans just have, like how they can perceive that some humans have brown hair while others are redheads (while readers would probably pick up on what is implied if they know anything about OCD). The alien aspect gives you a lot of possibilities.

As someone with OCD, I don't see it as "reducing" at all. It's true that his thoughts happen in a different manner than most peoples', but there's still content in them, right? His OCD is just affecting them, which is just how that works. The only exception here is that his OCD process itself is a part of the story - unless you decided to put his entire character's focus on how Weird and Exotic that is, you should be perfectly fine. I think it's an interesting part of worldbuilding to add.

If you are really worried about him being "identifiable" by his OCD, you can always make it so that different OCD types are seen as distinct (or, from an alien's perspective, perhaps even unrelated). For example, someone who's thought process is occupied with visual intrusive thoughts, versus one who is mainly having a specific compulsion-obsession pattern over and over, etc. - this will show OCD as the wide range that it is, and definitely not as "a label" that someone could just be instantly identified with. You can also make sure to show that every person's thought patterns are different to some degree (even if they're as neurotypical as it's humanly possible), and perhaps those with OCD's patterns are just hyperspecific enough to be recognized as more different; a "genre" of thought patterns of sorts. Because at the end of the day, there will also be people who don't have OCD who might share a few of these "OCD patterns" (and who don't fully get read as having it, maybe as adjacent at best), as well as two people who do have it and whose brain patterns don't match at any point, who still do get read as having OCD despite all that. It's a spectrum, afterall, so the brain patterns would be too.

I think that if you have OCD yourself, you can do basically anything you want with this. As I said, you have an interesting concept that you can tackle from a bunch of different angles, and I would love to see a take on it by an author with OCD.

mod Sasza

[astra-galaxie]

🧸👻👽 🦾 💔 🎭😺💄😭😶 for russell crane please :)

(i promise to send a lot of sweets if russell starts speaking criminal facts in your ear)

I’m going to have to start charging you interest on your request to put up with Russell’s rambling!😉

And while I eat my candy, enjoy the headcanons!

🧸 A headcanon about their childhood

Russell had some of the strangest obsessions as a child. One of them being obsessed with silent, black-and-white films. Thankfully, they were allowed by the Utopians, so his parents let him watch them occasionally. Russell used to study the characters’ body language to see how they communicated without words. That's why he can easily pick up on people’s emotions just by watching their body language.

👻 A headcanon about what scares them

Letting people get close to him, both physically and non-physical. He doesn't like people touching him without his permission and hates being crowded around. Russell also fears letting people into his life and heart. He’s already been betrayed by people he trusted (aka the Utopians) and is scared of it happening again. Russell believes that if he doesn't let people get too close, it will hurt less when they inevitably betray and leave him.

👽 A headcanon about a weird quirk of there

Russell hates other people making his tea. No one ever gets it right or remembers how he likes it, no matter how many times he tells them. He will allow only four people in his life to make his tea without complaint and in order: his mother, Amy, his father, and Yann. His mother took her tea similarly to him; Amy paid diligent attention to how he liked it and made it her mission to remember the order; his father used to make Caroline’s tea and would also make Russell’s when he was too small to do it himself; Yann always takes the time to learn people's likes and dislikes, and while it took a couple of tries, he eventually got it right and continues to do so.

🦾 A disability headcanon

He has OCD. Everything has a place, and everything should be in its place when it is not in use. He also has to perform certain tasks in specific orders, or else he’ll need to restart. For example, he has to grab everything he needs in a specific order before he leaves his house. So even if he were to find his keys before his wallet, he wouldn’t grab them until he had his wallet, even if it would save time.

💔 An angsty headcanon

Russell used to collect coins when he was a kid. He stopped collecting them after the Utopian leader deemed no members could have unapproved hobbies, and unfortunately, collecting coins was not one of them. Russell was forced to get rid of or spend the money and was forbidden from collecting them again. After the Utopians were dissolved, he slowly began collecting coins again. Amy’s the only one who knows about the collection, as he’s scared that if others find out, he’ll be forced to get rid of them again. She’s never told anyone and gives him any unique coins she finds to add to his collection.

🎭 A headcanon about what they lie about

He was a child actor. Many Utopians pursue careers in acting, and even more put their children into the spotlight. Russell never had any significant roles and usually served as a background character. But there were a few movies where he was a recurring character. Thankfully for him, those movies weren’t very popular, so no one recognized him from them. Someone once questioned him about it, thinking they’d seen him in a movie or show before, but Russell managed to deflect their suspicions by saying he used to do commercials, and that’s probably where they knew him from.

😺 An animal related headcanon

Russell had a pet cat when he was a child. Technically, it was his mother’s cat, which she had owned for years before he was born, but the cat loved Russell as if he were her kitten. Where Russell went, the cat was never far behind. She was his protector, and Caroline took many pictures of the two together. Sadly, the cat died of old age a couple of years before Russell escaped the Utopians. To this day, every time he sees a fluffy white cat, he thinks of his childhood pet and his mother.

💄 An appearance headcanon

Russell is a stickler for cleanliness and good hygiene. While he’s not an overly vain man compared to others in Pacific Bay, Russell is guilty of taking extra care of his hair. He hates having his hair a mess and uses special products to maintain his waves and keep his blond hair looking shiny. Amy always tells him he loves the smell of his shampoo, making Russell smile every time she compliments his hair.

😭 A headcanon about the worst thing that happened to them

When Brad Belinsky kidnaped Russell, he was nearly strangled to death by the hypnotized strongman. When Brad captured him in a headlock, he squeezed Russell’s throat so tightly that he cut off the profiler’s oxygen supply. Russell struggled to get free by hitting Brad’s arm, but his attacks did nothing against the wall of muscle. Thankfully, Brad lightened up after he put a gun to his head, but Russell struggled to breathe until he was rescued. The following day, he woke up to a bruise across his throat, and he covered it with makeup to prevent worrying his teammates.

😶 A random headcanon

He’s lactose intolerant, and that’s one of the main reasons why no one is allowed to make him tea: they use regular milk instead of an alternative. The first time Amy took him to get ice cream, he didn’t know how to tell her he couldn't eat it. Thankfully for his bowels, the shop had lactose-free options, so he was safe. After that, Amy always ensures she takes him to shops with lactose-free options and keeps a tub of his favourite ice cream in her freezer for when he visits.

(Astra looks up from her candy)

Oh, we’ve reached the end of the headcanons? Sorry, I got distracted eating candy!😋

Thanks for the request and candy, my gremlin child!

[ro-xxo]

Hello, hello !! 💟

This is my pinned post !! I figured it would be beneficial to create one at some point, so here we are!

My name is Ro, my pronouns are she/they/he, and it’s wonderful to meet you all !!

I’m 20, an INFP sapphic Capricorn, cat mother of 2, and arts enthusiast. (also a switch both in hypnosis and kink)

Welcome to my blog!

This blog is mainly hypnosis/kink related, sprinkled with some mental illness, greek mythology/history, gothic horror/art, anything a little spooky, music, and miscellaneous poetry/hobby endeavors. (plus literally whatever i want lol)

Before Interacting, please keep in mind that:

- I am a neurodivergent individual !! Diagnosed with AUDHD, OCD, generalized anxiety/depression.

- This blog is not an invitation! Yes, I may post/reblog NSFW content, this does not give anyone the right of passage to step where they aren’t welcome.

- MDNI.

- Direct messages from anons are not welcome, asks (within limits) i will try to respond to!

__________________________________________

All Things Hypnosis/Kink

LIMITS/HARD DISLIKES:

bodily fluids/bathroom relations

vomit

excessive spit/drool

dollification

primal play

age regression/age play

ddls/mdls

b file/b file content

multiple personality’s/identity play

extreme pain/overwhelming impact play

face/body pictures

detrans/transphobia/trans fetishists

sissyfication

feederism, pro-ana, ed

anal

pregnancy

FAVORITES/LIKES

fractionation

edging, denial, forced, overstimulation, controlled pleasure

temp amnesia/memory

resistance

covert/conversational (triggers and inductions)

degradation/praise

trigger play <3

gun/knife play

breath play

light impact

bondage (hypnosis and irl)

sensory deprivation

pet play !!! <3 (bunny, puppy, bat, and kitty space)

gaslighting/manipulation

corruption/coercion

instant inductions/unexpected triggers

cnc

brainwashing

intox <3333 !!!!!

somno

breeding

(there’s probably more that i’ll add later <33)

!! MAIN TAG GUIDE !!

#bunnyro or #bunny ro (targeted material for when i’m probably high and in bunny space lol, which is my main animal in pet space. *both sfw and nsfw*)

#iamsomanymeows (targeted material for kitty space, a little more bratty and power bottom ish *both sfw and nsfw*)

#twistandturnaround (dommy reblogs/posts since i am a switch <3)

#roetry (original texts, posts, poetry, etc !!)

#somanysadness (mental health, sad/mental illness artwork, vents, so many sadness)

#he/theykindahitssometimes??? (posts where i feel he/they or wanna be referred to as such *both sfw and nsfw*)

#hiding my blush in my wings (targeted material for bat play posts !! anything bat space, a ton about spooky sillies as well *both sfw and nsfw*)

#la moosica (all things music, my music, and everything else)

#bark byark bjark (puppy space targeted material !! *both sfw and nsfw*)

#so many beauty (posts that i think are wonderful and beautiful. art, poetry, photography, anything i feel should be passed along and shared further <3)

#✨ (texts/posts specifically signaled at my dom/tist, or with them in reference *both sfw and nsfw*)

#in the stars (reblog/posts while intoxicated of some kind)

#experiencing symptoms of psychosis (posts that drive me crazy. posts that changed my brain chemistry, and altered my existence. posts that could make me fall to my knees on the spot.)

#favorite favorites (posts that are my absolute favorites out of all my favorite things *both sfw and nsfw*)

pretty thing posts (posts about me !!! or posts written for me. *both sfw and nsfw*)

(this will be added to as well <3)

Outside of Kink/Hypnosis:

hi hello yes these are my hobbies/interests/personals

POETRY !!!! (please ask about it if you’d like, i absolutely love sharing my works <3 i’ll probably create a side blog for them as well lol)

musical theatre

choir/singing in general

MUSIC !!! (another huge one, please please ask about my music <3)

creative writing

debate/law

psychology/human study

vintage/antique anything

thrifting !!!!

greek mythology/history

history <33

paganism/hellenism/polytheism

gaming !

voice acting/acting

ASL !!! (fucking hell i go feral for people that love to sign please talk to me about it)

linguistics

philosophy

baking

anything art related lol

playing guitar, drums, piano

etc !!!

That pretty much covers it !! Of course, this will be updated every so often. (last on 1/27/25)

Enjoy your stay !! <3

Last Orgasm: January 27th <3

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

[madd-information]

Have you watched Kati Morton's new video about Maladaptive Daydreaming? What do you think about it?

[intro]

For years, I believed maladaptive daydreaming to be a form of dissociation, but it could also be added to the DSM as its own diagnosis, since it does have its own set of unique symptoms. Either way, at this time maladaptive daydreaming is not listed in the DSM as a diagnosable mental illness.

I was concerned because her last couple videos on the topic were very confusing to watch and seemed to conflate MD with the inner-worlds of DID.  It looks like she has done some more research on it and is going to make a more informed video. This is great and I deeply appreciate that she’s taking the time to do a proper dive into this. 

The closest diagnosis would be DPDR, or depersonalization derealization disorder. And this is the diagnosis given to those of us who struggle with dissociation. [explanation of DPDR]

Gonna need you to source that Katie, I’ve never heard an MD researcher say something like this.  When they talk about MD they call it a behavioral addiction with OCD features which is related to dissociative absorption (different from derealization and depersonalization, these two dissociative experiences are not particularly significant in MD, though they can happen.)

These experiences are extremely common. It's estimated that half of all adults have had at least one episode of DPDR. 50% of people. That is a huge amount of people.

Cool but not sure it’s at all relevant to the video topic. 

Also, it's important to mention that in 2016, four researchers put together the Maladaptive Daydreaming Scale, or MDS. This is a 14-item self-reported scale, meaning that you as the patient answers 14 questions based on your own maladaptive daydreaming experience.

It’s a 16 item scale now, it was changed very early on and has been 16 for years.  This is a very small and forgivable knitpick, just fyi. 

The MDS focuses on the content of our daydreams, how intense the urge to continue daydreaming is, and how much it impairs our ability to function in our lives, and the benefits and costs of our daydreaming. I am not personally familiar with this scale, nor have I used it in my practice, but I've linked the research article in the description if you wanna learn more about it.

A good description, and here’s that link again for anyone who wants to read about the finer details of this scale. 

When it comes to maladaptive daydreaming, it isn't just feeling out of body or environment. We can create very intense and detailed daydreams with plots, characters, and very lifelike issues and storylines. Some people will get the plots for their daydreams from their real lives, while others can create a utopian place unlike their current experience.

Yep, decent overview of content, though content doesn’t matter that much.  Also, use of “we”.  Is Katie Morton an MDer or was this a creative choice?  I don’t know, just a passing thought. 

We can find ourselves staying in these daydreams for various amounts of time. And some of my patients have reported staying in them for hours. And many of you have let me know that you struggle to get out of them at all, spending days in this other life that we've created.

Yep, good overview, but more importantly she’s listening to her patients and the feedback of MDers in her audience.

...there are many causes for this, and the first I wanna address is trauma triggers. If we've experienced a trauma in our life, things that remind us of that time or situation can pull us into a flashback, cause us to dissociate, or in many cases push us into our maladaptive daydreams.

When our brain and the rest of our nervous system feels overwhelmed and unable to deal with what's going on in the moment, it can pull us out of our current situation through dissociation. I always talk about that, like our brain pulling the ripcord. And it can also utilize maladaptive daydreaming. It's a way to cope or get through an overwhelming situation when we don't have other skills to help calm our nervous system down. So we just rely on what we know, and that can be daydreaming or dissociating. It's almost like this coping skill protects us from having to feel traumatized again and so it takes us away, you know, drops us into a much safer and happier place.

Trauma is always talked about first when people do overviews of MD.  She’s not wrong but just to add more information;  about a quarter of MDers report trauma, the other 75(ish)% don’t.  It’s a significant number but trauma is not the only pathway to MD.  Sometimes people walk away from these videos feeling like “well, I don’t have any trauma, maybe I don’t really have MD”.  That’s not a comment on what Katie has presented, she does go into other things below, just adding on.

Another cause or trigger can be high levels of stress or anxiety. We can slowly feel ourselves become more and more overwhelmed until our brain pulls us out of our reality and into a new one, aka our maladaptive daydreams. In short, we can want to stay in these daydreams to feel better and safer, but it can get in the way of us functioning in our life.

Yep

[audience anecdotes]

...Which is why even the term maladaptive daydreaming is used. Maladaptive means it's not providing adequate or appropriate adjustment to the environment or situation. So the daydreaming is only holding off the bad things. It's not actually making anything better or helping us process any of the upset. It's really just a temporary check-out, which can be helpful sometimes, but if it's happening all the time or making it hard for us to focus at work, school, or with our friends and family, we should find other, better ways to cope.

Exactly.

Which moves us into how we can better cope so that we don't get sucked into our daydreams for hours, days, or even weeks. And first up is mindfulness. Now, I know that term is overused now and super annoying but in order for us to know when we even need to use other coping skills, we have to know when the daydreaming urges are happening. So often we aren't aware of what we were feeling or thinking until it's too late and we're already pulled into our daydream. And at that point it's more difficult or even impossible for us to pull ourselves out. Therefore, we have to start being more aware of what we're going through.

[continues explanation]

Perfection.

And so next is figuring out ways to calm our system down. This can take the form of a distraction technique like going for a walk or organizing a part of our home, coloring, watching a show, playing a video game, you name it. These calming things could also be more process-based, things like journaling or talking to your therapist or a friend about it, or even using an impulse log. [Continues with calming things]

Good examples, MD researchers specifically recommend keeping a log.

We're also going to have to find some coping skills that we can use when we're starting to feel overwhelmed and wanting to go back into the daydream. Maybe we hold an ice cube in our hands, clap our hands, count the number of things in the room that are blue, brown, black… whatever works for you, do it.

Good stuff. 

And it's okay for something not to work. We just have to try it to know and then move on to something else.

Important point to make, happy to see this. 

Once we have a few things that work, write them down in your phone or on a post-it note so that you can see it and be reminded when you need it. We will also need to come up with some ways to pull ourselves out of the daydream. And I know this is gonna be harder and we may even wanna call upon helpful and supportive people in our lives to assist us.

Good advise. 

We could, because it's our daydream, right, we could put a big door in our daydream and we can choose to go through it and pull ourselves out, or have people in the daydream that remind us of our real life and tell us to go back.

A good suggestion.  Q, on the Parallel Lives Podcast (I can’t remember which episode off the top of my head), did something like this by turning to his characters and saying “ok, take 5 guys, we’ll pick it up at xtime”, and many people have found that to be a clever and helpful method. 

Now, I know this is really, really hard… which rolls into my final tip, which is to work with a therapist to heal from the trauma or to learn how to better cope with the anxiety or stress we're feeling. Working to heal or process through the reason our maladaptive daydreaming exists in the first place will ensure that we don't need it anymore.

Absolutely seek professional support if you can. 

... if we heal the issue we're struggling to cope with, the urge to use those unhelpful coping skills will go away altogether.

[outro]

I think this last point will frighten a lot of MDers.  It’s probably the brevity of the video that didn’t allow her to really expand on this, and I certainly don’t want to put words into her mouth that she may not have intended.  Don’t be afraid of losing your MD.  “Curing” Maladaptive Daydreaming does not mean “I’ll never see my world again.”  You’ll always have the capacity to daydream like this, you were born this way, but it *doesn’t* have to be maladaptive. Like overeating, you will never not eat, you will fix your relationship with food. 

Good video overall, brief but accurate and includes the standard helpful advise. 

[gay-otlc]

Oneat Cperson Disorder

Obviously everyone with OCD is super neat. They probably have great handwriting and a perfectly organized room, and they’re qUiRkY because they don’t like asymmetrical things, all that shit. That’s what OCD stands for! Oneat Cperson Disorder!

Wait... OCD isn’t Neat Person Disorder?

Then what is it?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That’s the real acronym. It’s not Neat Person Disorder, it’s not a synonym for organized. It’s a shitty disorder characterized by obsessions and compulsions. A major symptom is intrusive thoughts.

This is what OCD actually is.

(Warning: Unneccessarily long. You have been warned.)

Intrusive thoughts

Almost everyone gets intrusive thoughts. That’s not an OCD specific thing. 

The way my therapist explained it was that the brain is like an email inbox, and thoughts are like emails. Some thoughts are marked as important, such as things like I need a drink of water. This is important to survivial and should be prioritized. Some thoughts just go in the general inbox, like That person over there is tall. It might be relevant to whatever’s going on at the moment, but is generally not that important. Some thoughts are spam, like I should hurt someone I care about. It’s not born out of any desire, it’s just random, and it’s completely unimportant.

A non-OCD person would mark the spam emails as spam. An OCD person would mark them as important.

And the type of spam emails that gets marked as important goes with the subtype of OCD. So, someone with harm OCD (me, it’s me, hi) could get the thought Overdose on these painkillers. Someone with contamination OCD could get the thought I touched this surface and now my hand is covered in germs.

Conclusion: Intrusive thoughts would be fine if my fucking spam filter worked. Stupid brain. 

Obsessions

After marking the intrusive thought as important, the brain will consider it to be... well... important. It isn’t, but hey, the brain doesn’t know that. It just knows that it was marked as important, so it should definitely think about this email.

And think about the email.

And think about the email.

And be literally unable to stop thinking about the email.

And become completely and utterly obsessed with the email until it matters more than a lot of the actually important thoughts.

Thanks a lot, brain. 

This is the obsession!

Since the brain only marked an intrusive thought as important because it was distressing, thinking about the intrusive thought will obviously cause more distress. OCD is an anxiety disorder, and the obsessions make you... take a wild guess... anxious!

An obsession will spiral until it creates a worst case scenario, usually taking place in a “what if” form.

So after I get the thought about overdosing, the next thing I think will be Oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck, what if I overdose on these painkillers? I don’t want to, but I’m worried I’ll lose control and impulsively do it. This is hilarious, because I am an extremely not-impulsive person, but the OCD brain thinks in absolutes.

It wants solid, 100% confirmation that I will not commit suicide. And no matter how unlikely it seems that I will, having 100% certainty that I won’t is impossible. And my OCD brain apparently doesn’t understand probability and thinks that P(not overdosing) =/= 100% means P(overdosing) is extremely likely.

This might also be accompanied by fun other distrubing thoughts that explore this worst case scenario in more detail, such as my family finding my dead body, my friends being told I’m dead, people attending my funeral, etc.

A person who thought I touched this contaminated surface might go on to think Oh no, what if I now have this disease and get sick and die? That might be accompanied by going to the hospital, having surgeries and shit, also the funeral, etc.

The “what if” question is very distressing, And because it’s an obsession, you can’t stop thinking about it.

Conclusion: My brain should be able to stop thinking about things. Stupid brain.

Compulsions.

That obsession from before was fuckin’ scary, right? It’s all worst case scenario shit. We don’t want that happening. 

So, what do we do?

Prevent it from happening! Seems logical, right?

Except. Except this is absolutely, 100% the wrong thing to do. It perpetuates the idea that intrusive thoughts are Big Scary ™ and creates a vicious cycle until preventing the worst case scenario from happening completely consumes our lives. 

Compulsion is any sort of preventative measure.

When I have thoughts like overdose on these painkillers, there are a lot of things I really shouldn’t do except always do. I could list reasons to live (The problem with this is that I don’t want to die, and treating it like I do adds on to the idea that this is a genuine risk. People who are suicidal for real absolutely should think about reasons to live.) I could google “signs of suicidal people” until I’m confident that I don’t fit enough of those signs. I could completely avoid painkillers at all whatsoever until I’m in too much pain to do schoolwork I really need to do and then upon trying to take a painkiller I have a panic attack I mean haha what that definitely wouldn’t ever happen-

If someone has the thought I touched this contaminated surface and is now worried about getting sick and dying, what could they do? They could wash their hands, which is a big one associated with OCD. They could check symptoms of whatever disease they’re worried about until they’re sure they don’t have it. If a fever is something they’re worried about, they could check their temperature and then check it again because they don’t believe the first non-feverish number I mean haha I’ve never done this one either really what is it with these examples? So random, definitely not based in real life...

Ahem.

All of these measures are taken to prevent something that there isn’t a risk of, are make me more scared of something I don’t actually have to be scared of, and make me more reliant on these habits to the point where it interferes with my functioning; for example, if I’m scared of painkillers now, I’ll be in more pain and that will make it harder to do things. 

Conclusion: Just because compulsions give me immediate relief from anxiety, doesn’t mean they aren’t bad in the long run, and doing them is also bad. Stupid brain.

Ending Statements And Stuff:

So, can people with OCD be neat? Well, I’m convinced neat people are a myth, but I guess they can be. But can people with OCD also be disorganized? Fuck yeah, I’m here, aren’t I?

OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is not Oneat Cperson Disorder, and please do not treat it as such. That can be harmful to disorganized people with OCD like me, who think “I can’t possibly be OCD! My room is a mess!” and then just... not get help for so long. 

It’s also just... like... wrong? It’s factually incorrect to say OCD is a synonym for neat and that alone should be a good enough reason for you to not say it. 

Don’t say things like “I’m so OCD!” because you don’t like it when something is crooked or any thoughts I have about harming you will be completely intentional.

Also, I think we can conclude that Shai’s brain is fucking stupid.

[letterboxd]

How I Letterboxd #10: Chad Hartigan.

Filmmaker Chad Hartigan talks to Jack Moulton about his prescient new sci-fi romance, Little Fish, why radio silence is worse than a bad review, and his secret system of Letterboxd lists.

Chad Hartigan has won prizes at the Sundance Film Festival and the Film Independent Spirit Awards for his acclaimed films This is Martin Donner and Morris From America. He’s also been a Letterboxd member since way back, joining what he proclaims as “my favorite website” in 2013. Hartigan has always been an obsessive logger: he has transcribed all of his viewing data since 1998 and continues to work on filling in the gaps in his downtime.

Like many ardent Letterboxd members, Hartigan is a diligent list-maker, keeping tabs on his best first viewings of each year and assembling an all-time top 1,000 films over the summer (with an accompanying 26-minute supercut). Perhaps unusually for a member of the film industry on Letterboxd, he’s unafraid to hold back his opinions and regularly voices his critiques on even the most acclaimed films.

Hartigan’s newest film, Little Fish, is a sci-fi love story starring Olivia Cooke (Sound of Metal) and Jack O’Connell (Unbroken). Written by Mattson Tomlin, it’s set during an imagined pandemic—shot long before our own actual pandemic—wherein a disease causes people to lose their memories. It was set to premiere at the 2020 Tribeca Film Festival, and then postponed due to Covid-19. It’s now out in limited theaters and on demand, and we were delighted with the excuse to put Hartigan in the How I Letterboxd spotlight.

Olivia Cooke as Emma and Jack O’Connell as Jude in ‘Little Fish’.

You made a pandemic movie before the pandemic. How do you feel about accidentally hitting that unfortunate zeitgeist and now consequently being asked questions like this one? Yeah, strange. The questions are fine. If it wasn’t this one, it would be another that you would have to answer over and over again. One of the things that drew me to the project was that it felt like a fantasy that wasn’t necessarily rooted in reality in a way that my other [films] were. I liked that it’s old-fashioned in its attempts to purely take you somewhere and wasn’t intended to hold up a mirror to our times—but then in the end that’s exactly what it’s doing. I’m curious myself, and I’m checking Letterboxd to see the reactions from people because I really couldn’t guess what it would have been like [now].

Are there any prescient details you’re proud of getting right? I’m so grateful and happy that Jack [O’Connell] is wearing his mask correctly. That’s the number one thing that I’m glad we got right. I think it was very smart of Mattson to focus the movie on [the relationship] rather than the details of this global pandemic. I feel the reason it’s not in bad taste is because it dealt with those things as a backdrop and instead focused on people just trying to remember what’s important and clinging onto those that they love.

Onto our own favorite memory aid, Letterboxd. How did you discover us and how did you manage without us? I’ve been on since 2013, so I’m probably one of the earliest people to jump on it. I love the interface and the diary, just aesthetically it was really fun. I’ve been keeping track of what I see with analog [methods] for as long as I can remember. I have diaries and planners so I logged all that old information. If I was running for president, my platform would be that everybody is required to use Letterboxd comprehensively, because I just love to know what everybody is watching all the time.

Do you talk about Letterboxd in the real world with the other filmmaking people? Yes, and I’m often trying to convince them to join. Other filmmakers are more concerned about having their opinions on peers be public knowledge than I am, I guess. I’ve made four films now and each one’s been bigger and more widely seen than the last. The very first one was a total no-budget affair that couldn’t get into any festivals and I was very excited when I finally got it into the Hamptons Film Festival. It was about half-full and one or two people came up to me afterwards and said they liked it. This was pre-Twitter so I spent the whole next day Googling to see if anybody had written anything. I was so curious to see what people thought and there was nothing—not a review, not a blog—just total emptiness.

When the next film got into Sundance, there were people tweeting their reactions and actual reviews and I read everything. People were asking if the bad reviews hurt me. Absolutely not—nothing can be worse than the radio silence of nobody caring about the first film. The fact that people care enough to sit and write about this movie—good or bad—is a win, and I’ve carried that onward. I like to see what people think, it can be helpful in how you view the film as a success or failure. You learn and move on.

Jack O’Connell at least remembers how to wear a mask in ‘Little Fish’.

Some filmmakers have told us they’re kinder to films after making their own, but you’re not shy at all about being critical. How did making your own films change your perspective as a critic? I don’t consider myself a critic so that’s why I’d be less concerned with someone reading what I thought. Why should they put any stock into what I think? If they get hung up on it then that’s their own stuff because I’m not a critic. Like everyone else on Letterboxd, I just love watching movies. Obviously I can appreciate and understand some of the technical aspects maybe moreso than people who don’t make films, but at the end of the day, rarely that’s the thing that makes you love a movie or not. There’s a great bit in Francis Ford Coppola’s commentary track for Finian’s Rainbow where Fred Astaire’s doing a dance number and [Coppola admits] he totally messed it up because Astaire’s feet aren’t fully in frame. He’s very honest about his mistakes because it’s one of his earliest movies. Then he goes on to say that he thinks there’s the same number of mistakes in Finian’s Rainbow as there are in The Godfather, it’s just that he made mistakes on the things that don’t matter for The Godfather. No film is perfect, but if it can latch onto this one magical aspect that connects you to it, that’s what makes you love it or not.

You had a project where you chart the best films made by directors at certain ages as you reached that age. Tell us more about it. That was a great project. I got the idea when I was 26. This was back when I had a Netflix DVD subscription and it was just hard for me to randomly choose DVDs to throw in the queue. I needed a system. I decided to watch movies from directors when they were my age and see if there’s some common denominator, something I can learn. At that point, there weren’t many, there were films like Boogie Nights and Fassbinder films. Not many people had made stuff when they were 26 or 27, so it was very feasible. Every year there were more movies and more directors to add to the list and it became time-consuming. I did it all the way up until I was 34 and the reason I stopped was because I had a son and there was no way I could continue this level of viewing output.

My favorite part of your account is the fact that you log every viewing of your own films. You know for a fact that you’ve watched Morris From America 26 times and Little Fish fifteen times. Why do you log them? What counts as a viewing? I’ve clearly watched those movies many more times in little chunks but I’ll only log it if we’re sitting down and watching it from beginning to end. I have a ticket to see Little Fish in the drive-in on Saturday, so it’s going to be logged again. Why do I do it? Like I said, I wish everyone was required to use Letterboxd comprehensively. That’s what it’s there for for me, an accurate log of what I watch. This is psychotic behavior but I’m tempted to have a Letterboxd account for my son. I’ll do his views for him once he starts watching movies until he’s old enough to take over. It’ll just be, like, Frozen a thousand times but he’s not old enough to watch anything yet, so we’ll see.

Have you discovered any films thanks to Letterboxd discourse that influenced your approach to filmmaking? For sure, I can’t maybe say specifically, but once I dropped the directors my own age system I didn’t replace it with nothing. I’m a Virgo and I have a little bit of OCD, so I have to have some system. I’ve replaced it with a new complicated system where I pull from different lists and that’s now my main source of how I choose a movie to watch. I have like ten or twelve different lists, each about a thousand movies with a lot of overlap. One of them is my own list of every movie I’ve seen in a theater and I’ll go and look through that and if it’s something I want to revisit. Recently I rewatched Twister, which I hadn’t seen in a long time and is an old favorite from when I was in high school.

I have a bunch of private lists I cycle through; every movie nominated for a Spirit Award, every movie that’s won an Oscar, every movie that’s played in competition at Cannes, the top 1,000 films at the box office. There’s another great website that I use as a biblical resource which is They Shoot Pictures, Don’t They? and their lists of acclaimed films for all-time and the 21st century. I hit those up often. Something that I watched purely because of the very high Letterboxd rating and really loved is Funeral Parade of Roses. I try to see as many movies as I can that have a 4.0 rating or higher.

You respect the Letterboxd consensus. I do, but I don’t always agree with it.

‘Little Fish’ director Chad Hartigan.

Which is your most underrated or overlooked movie according to Letterboxd? I can say I was the very first person to log a movie called Witness in the City, which is an Italian noir movie I watched when I was doing my ‘directors my own age’ series. Literally nobody had logged it, so my review was like “whoa, I can’t believe I’m the first person to log this!”. It was very exciting for me because it’s great, but I’m the OG logger of that movie.

From your list of every film you’ve seen in a theater since you were twelve, which was your most memorable experience? The cheap answer is that it’s hard to top my own movies. The Sundance premiere of Morris From America at the Eccles Theater is maybe the best, but if I’m disqualifying my own films, seeing Scream 3 in a very packed theater in Virginia Beach was really fun, really rowdy. There was a trailer for a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie and I remember the climax was Van Damme going “you lied to me!!!” and everyone laughed. Someone did a George Costanza move later during Scream 3 and yelled out “you lied to me!!!” and everybody laughed again—so that’s a high. That’s the thing I miss the most about movie theaters, and the worry I have if theaters go away, is that so much of how we feel about a movie can be tied to the experience; who we saw it with, what we did before or after, what the crowd was like, or if anything strange happened. There are a lot of movies I have strong memories and affection for because of the experience of seeing them and I probably wouldn’t feel the same way about if I just watched it at home on my laptop.

I typically like to cap interviews off with what filmmakers thought was the best film of the past year, but we have your data to hand. For you, it’s Garrett Bradley’s documentary Time. Can you talk a bit about what makes the film stand out for you? One thing I learned about myself from the pandemic is that the motivation and desire to see new things is very closely tied to the theater-going experience for me. Once that was taken away and you could watch a new movie at home, it joins the pile of all the other movies. The fact that it’s new doesn’t really do anything for me. Why would I press play on Da 5 Bloods when I still haven’t seen Malcolm X? I gotta see Malcolm X! There wasn’t an urgency, so I saw far fewer films than in an ordinary year. But Time I found incredibly moving and important. Similar to what I liked about the Little Fish script, it’s so hyper-focused on one relationship and within that one story it has so much to say about larger issues and the world at large. It was an emotional and rich viewing experience.

‘Little Fish’ is on demand and playing in select theaters now. Images courtesy of IFC Films.

[blacksunscorpio]

How to Survive Mercury Retrograde in Pisces

Welcome to retrograde season, team. in 2 days, Mercury goes retrograde at 12°53' in Pisces to be exact. Now, retrogrades usually breed a certain amount of panic and understandably so., but this retrograde falls into the sentimental and some could even argue the overly sentimental sign of Pisces. 

So let's break this down, shall we?

Pisces, the fishes (Think Tui and La from Avatar) are ruled by Neptune, the Latin name for Poseidon, god of the sea, dreams, illusions, etc. Mercury rules Virgo and Gemini, hence Mercury does not feel at home in such an emotional and watery sign. Mercury is in its fall. It prefers the critical and airy signs that it’s used to and at 29 degrees (the last decan of the constellation before it moves on to the next) it’s in a hurry to finish things up. In layman’s terms? There’ll be a sense of intense urgency for the next two weeks.

So what else can we expect during this celestial backspin?

Welp, with Mercury Retrograde in Pisces, this creates mental and emotional confusion, with strange erratic dreams and maybe even some psychic experiences. Mercury rules the [rational] mind and thoughts while Neptune ruler of Pisces lords over the unconscious. The subconscious. Addled states of being (so careful with your alcohol intake around this time or overindulging with drugs in general.)

Your mental processes will have a tendency to become merged with emotions and you might find it hard to separate ideas and opinions from your idealism. You feel as if things are unfolding behind-the-scenes but are not yet clear what they are.

So here’s what to look out for in general:

Sleeping patterns (as we mentioned), communication, and travel plans may be thrown off during this time.

People from the past may be reappearing sooner than expected and bringing with them Emmy winning displays of emotion and drama thanks to the Piscean influence. Don’t trip off this one too much, sometimes this means you could receive that ever-elusive closure you never got.

With upcoming Mercury retrograding in Aries (ruled by Mars, god of war), periods of combative attitudes are heightened as well as impulsive decision-making.

I cannot stress this enough: THINK before you speak.

Deceptive people will swarm like roaches ESPECIALLY with Neptune in Pisces. People show you their true colors so you know who needs to be removed from your life.

Arguments are more prone at this time..

Pretty cut and dry, right? If not, here’s what each of the signs should be aware of specifically during this watery transit.

Aries – Hello my fiery brothers and sisters. Take this time to relax, think things through and watch your tongue. I know it’s hard with our ruling planet being Mars and all but you would not want anything you say now to follow you through the remainder of your birthday season. Mercury retrograde is aiding you in redefining your emotional boundaries and making concise decisions on what to take into the next year of your life—just in time, too, because Aries SZN starts on the 20th, just a week before the retrograde ends. But do take a break from people who have been exhausting you, you don’t have to apologize for taking care of you. Chill.

Taurus – You might suffer from miscommunicating with friends and family members or just everyone in your radius. Or maybe it's just that no one gets how awesome your thoughts are. Either way, be as clear as possible with those around you so that you don’t get annoyed with the world. Mercury retrograde is testing your emotional capacity to open up. Testing your ability to refrain from being judgmental. Try being a little more accepting.

Gemini – You might be frustrated since no one seems to get your ideas but this will prove to be a fruitful period of time for you. Mercury in daydreamy Pisces fills your head with ideas of what could be and where you want to go in life, but you struggle to fit these dreams into reality. The good thing is, you’re trying. And A-for-effort, you little genius. Accept your status as the wise one amongst friends, school or even work. Mercury gives you some much-needed insight while everyone seems to be out-of-whack.

Cancer – Yeah, this bad boy’s gonna hit you guys pretty hard. There’s no sense in cloaking it. You, my clawed cousins, are probably the most emotional sign so not only are your feelings heightened, you may feel like you just want to get away from it all. Considering taking a nice trip? Stahp. Plan it now and go for it in the next few months. While Mercury is in Retrograde, you definitely do not want to take some crazy excursions. If you need to take a break, visit a museum, take up some yoga or work on that project you gave up on a while ago. These alternatives will help you cope in a healthy way instead of running from what you don’t want to face.

Leo – Tax season is coming up, so contemplate how you want those funds allocated. Yes, my preening feline. With Chiron (planet of wounds and healing) and Mercury in such close proximity, you might feel a bit wounded this time around. Self-help books could become useful this time as you try to decipher dreams or just memories from the past. Pay attention to things you normally wouldn’t. That includes friends and family you’ve been neglecting. This Piscean influence is sending you signals and forcing you to readjust the way you exchange emotional resources as well as your financial ones. The devil’s in them details.

Virgo – Oh Virgo’s my OCD loves: Try to loosen up this month. Not everything has to be perfect and you don’t need to go ghost in order to obtain it. With this Piscean influence affecting your relationships, people might be put off by your disappearing act and might consider whether you value their friendships. Reach out, be that person that randomly appears during retrograde. Heal those old wounds and reassure the ones you love with your presence. Chances are if someone’s crossing your mind it’s because you’re on theirs as well.

Libra – Mercury will add some irritation to your routines but you’re good at this, so it will not be such a big deal. Here you learn how to perfect things and redo them so that you will get the value months from now. You’ll do things you’ll thank yourself for later. Work hard even if you don’t feel motivated that way you can play hard later.

Scorpio – Good news arachnid fam, this is the time to relax and break free. I don’t think any of us can forget (or forgive) the things that happened during the last Retrograde. But now that we’ve healed, expect a lot of muses to inspire you. Your artistry is alive. Your creative juices are flowing and people flock to you this March. Social connections are highly likely as you make time to reconnect and steal the spotlight. Yes you’ll be affected by the watery influence but you’re ruled by water too so it’s nothing you can’t flex on.

Sagittarius – Miscommunications at home (which might be part of this issue since you guys are a ruled by the planet of expansion) can prove frustrating but no worries! This is temporary. This will help clear out the air and it will allow you to work on any family drama you have been ignoring. Relax, take notes. You guys are a sign that’s notorious for your blatant and cavalier honesty. Some appreciate it. Some just think you’re harsh. Listen to others and take a page from Libra’s book on this and practice being more diplomatic in your approach.

Capricorn – It’s highly unlikely that you will be on time for anything this month which is highly unlike you since you guys are ruled by Saturn, father of time. Sorry fam, the world seems to be against you, or maybe it’s just time being complicated. You as an earth sign just don’t rock with this watery retrograde. It may seem hard but attempt to go with the flow, don’t lose your cool. Mercury here will teach you some much-needed patience. Be clear, be concise and be patient.

Aquarius –Shmonnaayyyyy! Listen, this could prove to be a beneficial time for you as you see a surge of income from unexpected forces. Has your right had been itching? While others might be losing their mind, you might actually benefit from this period since mercury is making you remove the emotional baggage and clutter as you get your finances in order and learn from previous spending habits and mistakes.

Pisces – It’s about you, baby. Happy birthday. You are on Cloud 9. Yes, this year may have started with upsets and disappointments, but you’ve noticed that things have stabilized and you feel extra Zen with the universe. Mercury’s taught you acceptance, self-care and most importantly self-love (who couldn’t use more of that?) This unconditional joy you may experience throughout the month will allow you to bloom and heal for Aries Season.

So what have we learned today?

Number one: don’t resort to excesses but remain balanced and focused on building the right sort of relationships. Be it work relationships, old ties we thought were forgotten or family binds that will never break. Yes yes, nervousness and stress, fears paranoia may be stimulated, especially if you’ve been working or living in an environment hostile to your deeper needs. But let's all remember to keep our dignity and wits about us. Especially with such a murky and hazy fog that Neptune always blesses us with (note sarcasm) around this time.

Now, will second-guessing and trying to read between every line be hard to avoid? Absolutely. However, the best course of action around this time is to make as few assumptions as possible. Be open to your own intuitive hunches and be ready to take a new direction when it suddenly materializes. It may be closer than you think.  And when the mist clears, you’ll have the opportunity to really make yourself seen and heard. Until then, I’ll be here to keep you updated on the latest celestial happenings. Good luck.

[ra-lek]

Hi! I know you’ve touched on the topic briefly before, but if you don’t mind I’d love to hear any more in-depth thoughts you have on autistic Elliot. It’s one of my favorite headcanons and it’s always fascinating to see other people’s thoughts on it! (Also I just wanted to say that you have a really interesting way of analyzing the show and you seem like a such a genuinely chill, kind person, thank you for being awesome)

heya, i don’t mind at all!! this headcanon is great and there’s a lot of material to work with and analyze so i’m absolutely on board with elaborating more; 

but first i gotta establish a few things:

i am not a professional and can’t talk about autism the same way i’ve talked about body language or dissociative identity disorder. mainly because i’ve done essays on the latter and am more educated on the subject, unlike with this specific disorder.

but yo that doesn’t mean i don’t know anything cause psychology is my sHit- i just felt it was necessary for you to know that i’m not as confident in my analysis as i usually am; so feel free to correct me!!

next, in canon, elliot is diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety disorder. with a couple of ’delusional’ mentions thrown here and there. however, we most certainly know he suffers from DID as well- and the fact it’s his MAJOR problem and hasn’t been properly acknowledged by the show leaves us with room to speculate.

and finally- i’ve been diagnosed with and am being treated for clinical depression and anxiety disorder. so i will point things out from my perspective here as well, since people with anxiety have similar symptoms to people on the spectrum and/or people with ADHD/ADD. (sometimes even OCD)

alright now that that’s all clear we can finally start looking at his behavior!!

first and foremost, autism & ad(h)d are developmental disorders because the symptoms for them can generally be noticed in early childhood; as opposed to anxiety which is a mental illness. so it’s entirely possible to have a cocktail of disorders in your head.

i’m bringing ADD up a lot because i’ve been speculated to have it & am supposed to take some tests- but am not officially diagnosed yet. now that we’ve got my entire family history, blood type & credit card number laid out, we’re ready to go.

anyway, these are the symptoms:

1. difficulty with communication & interaction with others

this is probably where anxiety, add and autism collide the most. though in very different ways- and they’re not exclusive to people with one of these diagnosis only. 

for example, eye contact. i’m terrible at it. people with autism & anxiety are also pretty darn bad at it, and elliot might seem that way at times; he hides a lot- but not as often as he tends to hold an intense eye contact, instead? which can also be seen as an ‘odd’ thing to do in social communication. as in, not noticing if someone’s uncomfortable under such gaze, let’s say.

that brings me to the next topic which is uh, coincidentally, communication.

he is quite blunt when it comes to it, has a distinctive ‘flat’ #elliotvoice tone. @mototwinkclub pointed out a few instances last time this topic was brought up, such as saying “i’m okay with it being awkward between us” to matpat ollie or “not at all, actually.” with gideon- and he doesn’t do it to be rude. doesn’t really realize it’s ‘bad’ to say it like that, either.

i mean i know he said he’s trying to work on his social anxiety but that’s not quite how you’d go about it? i firmly believe he suffers from generalized anxiety. obviously, that includes social anxiety as well; but this way you could explain why he’s way more concerned with…everything else. and is pretty straightforward in conversation.

since i referenced the pilot, one of the first lines he says about himself is “i don’t know how to talk to people. the only person person i could talk to was my dad- but he died.” which brings us back to the developmental aspect of this disorder. since he’s indicating he didn’t know how to talk to people even when he was a kid. which is true, in every flashback we see he either doesn’t talk at all or talks very little.

what’s interesting though- although he’s bad at reading 'conversation’- he’s extremely good at reading people. and the fact he 'looks for the worst in them’ contradicts the usual aspect that’s brought up when it comes to an autistic thought process, which is made out to be like “if i wouldn’t do this, then why would anyone else?” and it’s not the way he thinks at all.

instead, he feels empathy on a moral level if that makes sense? people on the spectrum are said to either be too empathic or not at all. and it’s hard to pinpoint elliot? because, clearly, he cares for people as much as he doesn’t trust them. use an example the reason he leaked ray’s information. he literally said “but then i keep thinking about those people.” but we haven’t seen him empathize with, for instance, vera- even when he gave a pretty tragic backstory. he can tell who the bad guy is. 

when it comes to spacing out, he does it all the time. people on the spectrum do it all the time, i certainly do it all the time. but we have to focus on what he is thinking about when he does it- because that is our indicator. 

we usually see his thoughts filled with paranoia, over-thinking, analyzing, etc,.. which i associate with anxiety disorder mostly? but, we have to take into account something he suffers from the most and it’s dissociative identity disorder. so not only does he space out, but he tends to dissociate, as well. perfect example for this is when he mutes the world around him. or just doesn’t listen.

once again, from the pilot, when angela tells him “stop thinking about something else while i’m talking to you!!” he isn’t actually daydreaming or spacing out in the usual sense- he’s recalling the night (mostly for the viewer than for himself let’s be honest) she’s talking about and we see that he was too anxious to go in. he doesn’t tell her that.

now let’s talk about his no-touch policy for a second. that’s something a lot of people on the spectrum have in common. i think it’s, once again, one of those cases where one could be either completely touch-starved or aversive. though we can’t ignore the fact he’d been abused when he was young. 

as i was going through the pilot for most of my evidence here (as you can notice) there’s a very small detail at the beginning when ron leans in to ask “are you blackmailing me!?” and we can see elliot flinch in genuine fear. this is not the only instance where he seems afraid to get hit. breaKs my goddamn heart.

but he’s also the one to initiate contact sometimes- and he often misunderstands the situation. shayla told him not to ask, he kissed darlene, tried kissing angela on the train that time when she denied him- he does it cause that’s what he thinks he should do. 

2. restrictive or repetitve behaviors

he’s absolutely all about those routines- he doesn’t want anything destructing his ’perfectly constructed loop’ anytime he has one. (season 1 starbucks, season 2 jailtime, season 3 ecorp) but it’s important to point out that in all of these scenarios, he’s been to one to break the loop himself. by realizing they weren’t making anything better.

there are a couple of nervous ticks he has, general fidgeting with his hands/hair/hoodie- all of these apply to every disorder we’ve mentioned here.

comfort item/food is a very good one!! since we’ve only ever seen him eat fries, he has a “crying corner” in his room, he’s constantly 'hiding’ under the hoodie. probably the main comfort item.

he’s also insanely hyperfocused on technology and numbers and hacking, obviously- he has a clear routine every time. burn the disc, delete the folder, write a song over one of the cds, shove them under the table. same goes for when he thinks he’s fucked up- throw stuff in the microwave, destroy it, you get the image.

speaking of those cds though, if he can remember exactly which song he wrote for each person he’s got data on; that could be a damn good indicator of it!!

all of this could be a combination of whys and becauses which is super fun if you ask me. elliot is complex and, although i share 2.5 disorders with him, i can’t relate to his actions/coping/thoughs completely all the time.

it just tells you how different everyone’s brains are, you can’t restrict a disorder to a specific pattern and only consider that when diagnosing somebody.

so, in conclusion, elliot could very possibly be autistic!!

[piquantpiper]

A Reading of "The House That Jack Built" As A Scathing Condemnation of Misogynistic Directors and the Complacent History of Hollywood

This contains spoilers for every bit of the film.

Lars von Trier's latest, "The House That Jack Built," features an architect-turned-serial killer named Jack traveling down the River Styx at the end of his life and telling anecdotes about the gruesome murders he has committed. He explains that he began taking post-mortem photos of his victims and dubbed his serial killer persona "Mr. Sophistication." His once-overwhelming OCD waned, and he became better at faking emotions, confidence, and charisma.

My reading of the film was that it was one huge takedown of directors who frequently employ cheap or gratuitous violence, especially against women. It highlights their resistance to criticisms and uses symbolism to call out the stagnation and complacency of the industry.

Jack drives a big obvious red van, leaves a trail, is clumsy, and is a terrible liar, yet he gets away with everything for over a decade because of everyone's willingness to look the other way, and also likely because it was “a different time” - the 1970s and 80s. The complacency of men and the law is underlined here. Cops in this film are ignorant as hell and never catch Jack even when he's daring them to or admitting his crimes to their faces. Al, the clerk at the end of the film, has known something has been fishy about this customer for years but he doesn't call the police until the very end, when Jack finally yells at him for once.

Jack stuffs dozens of women he's randomly killed into a walk-in freezer, literally "fridging" them and acting out a bad entertainment trope. The street sign here - Prospect - is broken off and only reads "Pros." It is featured every time he adds a body. The freezer is also filled with hundreds of cheese pizzas, representing the need for instant gratification and the homogeneity of the industry. "Fame" by David Bowie blares several times during the film until it nearly becomes a gag.

Like every insecure film school grad, Jack over-explains and over-justifies everything on his ride down the River Styx, going so far as to give little meta PowerPoint presentations about William Blake, the protocol of wild game hunters, how cool Albert Speer was, and how everyone who doesn't agree with him is a sheep who will never become a beautiful tiger embracing savagery as he does. He thinks he is explaining and justifying his choices, his influences, and his pursuit of artistic perfection. This is all utter bullshit and good ol' Virgil calls him out on it at every turn. When Jack says that we should look at the works of a person, not at their actions - an all-too-common comment on abusive but revered directors like Polanski, Kubrick, Allen, and von Trier himself - Virgil basically replies "you lost me when you started abusing children."

Uma Thurman plays the first victim. It seems significant that she would be involved in this project, given how vocal she has been this year about her experiences with Weinstein and Tarantino. In fact, her scene here seems like meta commentary on her own conflict with Tarantino during Kill Bill: They drove up and down a road a few times in preparation for a stunt. She felt unsafe and wanted a stunt driver. He kept pressuring her to do it herself. She did, and she was seriously injured. So when her character here insults Jack repeatedly and calls him a wimp, he snaps, killing her in his passenger seat after she's made him drive the same road three times. Both people in the car represent Thurman in real life. She "snaps" and finally does the stunt scene after being taunted, but she's the one who pays dearly.

Jacqueline Simple is the only character/victim we actually witness screaming for help, leaning out her window at night. Her name is a clue - she is a mirror to Jack, a representation of his fear of being unintelligent and his fear that he is merely screaming into the void with his art and will never be listened to. He cuts her phone line earlier that night while on a date at her apartment and enters into a feedback loop with her/himself, reassuring her and lulling her into a false state of security before he attacks. Jacqueline's scene could also represent the relationship between actress and director - her line to the outside world is severed and she now derives all validation from her abuser. He holds the keys to her freedom, literally.

Jack represents problematic creators, specifically directors, throughout the film. Chief among these parallels is his proclivity for post-mortem photography of his victims - posing their bodies to suit his whims. Jack finds the negatives of his photos more interesting than the originals - having an obsession with violence and drama. We see him shooting people often, either with a gun or a camera. He tries to rewrite the experiences of some of his victims by means of grim taxidermy, putting smiles on their faces before they freeze in storage.

If something is methodical and informed by theory and research, it HAS to be good, right? Boring directors probably think so. That's all the effort and thought that they care to put in. Jack explains the ethical pattern in which to shoot a family of deer: fawns first. If you miss the doe, she can survive without the fawns, whereas inverse is not true - and that would just be cruel! Jack even says he considers himself a gentleman for following this pattern as he shoots down a human mother and her two sons. (There's another layer of symbolism here, hinted at by the sign-off of von Trier's video that prefaced the screening of the film I saw in theaters: "Remember: Never another Trump." The clueless family had all donned red baseball caps at the start of this scene as visibility/safety gear at the shooting range, yet the caps make them into targets once Jack begins his spree. The caps represent MAGA caps, and the family's refusal to remove them even when in danger shows how reluctant Republicans are to admit that they were wrong. The apple pie at the picnic and the act of feeding it to the dead child further comments on von Trier's view of America.)

"Why are all the stories you've told about dumb women?" Virgil asks him. "I killed men, too." Jack answers. "But you're only telling me about the dumb women because you need to feel superior," notes Virgil.

When Jack starts killing men in the last fifteen minutes of the film, it's all intricately planned: he monologues, gives a bunch of backstory, brings up the military, and reminisces about hunting trips with his best friend, the elderly S.P. (Standards and Practices? ...Am I reaching now?) before shooting him to death. This stands in contrast with the earlier, fumbling murders of numerous unnamed women throughout the rest of the movie, which were sometimes even played for laughs. Jack finally gets caught, right after he murders his first man onscreen but before he can pull the trigger on another seven he had prepared.

There is no way in hell that we are supposed to sympathize with Jack or think he is a cool, slick killer. There is no way the director sympathizes with him. Jack is a massive joke who keeps getting away with things due to dumb luck and the utter complacency of the world around him, yet he gives more than one "you're all sheeple who can't understand my art!" lamentation. He even goes on a "men have it so hard, men are always assumed guilty" rant as he's skinning a woman alive. Hi, irony, nice to meet you.

Jack has absolutely no hope of redemption at the end. Virgil knows his narcissism will compel him to try to cross the broken bridge that no one has ever conquered, which results in him falling and burning in the very deepest pit of hell. Turning the screen to a negative exposure at the moment of the fall is the film's final taunt to Jack's character, as in "now let's see him try to find the beauty in that, in his own suffering."

We never see Jack at work at his day job as an architect/engineer. He buys a picturesque lakeside plot of land. The house that he demolishes and restarts multiple times at that location was supposed to be his real masterpiece, but instead he became fixated on his identity of "Mr. Sophistication” and the accompanying photography. He confuses this compulsion for his true calling, all while Bowie's "Fame" plays on loop. The house is never completed.

It is easier to destroy than to create, and it is easier to talk yourself into thinking destruction is some grotesquely beautiful esoteric art than to actually challenge yourself and endeavour to create anything original.

The character Virgil repeatedly reminds Jack that the greatest works of art have been borne of love. True art needs love, humanity, and feelings, which Jack will never understand because he is a stubborn psychopath.

This film is an overt callout of creators who think that stylized violence is a substitute for substance and that anything that is informed by theory is inherently good. Those who refuse to admit they're wrong or may have taken an unfulfilling life path, leaving a cheap and hollow legacy with no new message to impart. Those who think it is easier to paint someone's suffering as artistic than it is to unpack their own suffering and the root causes of it.

[deadmomjokes]

Normal Anon Again 1: Your response was great, don't worry about a thing there. I just really feel stuck because Im still with my emotionally abusive family, and so I had to sneak to even see a doctor. I honestly felt like the doctor barely ever heard me at all, so even though she did prescribe an SSRI (not that she said what brand), I'm kind of scared to continue treatment with her. Because I made the notebook with a lot of care, she said I had OCD and did bring it up again later when I

had refuted it and tried to explain the notebook was just something I wanted to be well done for her. She didn't ever look at it either, so she based it off me buying little tabs and labeling them for ease of access and writing my name on the front I guess? I don't have a lot of money, as I don't have a job, and getting a job is the main reason I want to try medication... I basically have to move out by 2020 from my family, both by their desires and mine, so I'm on acrazy deadline to try to get my life together and I feel like I have no time to find someone new if I'm going to be looking to move away when all the apartments are renting. So it feels like if I want to try medication this is my one chance, but I don't feel like I can trust the doctor handling them. I don't know if I should just try to find a way to make my life work out for a couple months or give the medication a shot even though I don't trust the provider...I've got to worry about getting a job this month or being homeless too, which is why it feels so one or the other for my current situation. Thank you so much for all your feedback, sorry if this was a little messy being explained, I'm a bit frazzled yet, haha.

Oh man, I’m SO very sorry for everything you’re going through! You’re dealing with a ton, and this incident with Dr Garbage certainly didn’t help.

One thing that may be a possibility is going to a normal doctor, like a family medicine doc or general practitioner, and talking to them about your anxiety/depression problems. They can also prescribe psych medication, and it might be easier to pass off around your family and/or to find once you move, since a lot of offices partner or have networks that you can just transfer through. Anyone from a Nurse Practitioner to a PhD in general medicine can prescribe meds like an SSRI or even low-level mood stabilizers. (For my recently upped dosage, I went to a PA-C and they consulted with the folks at my obgyn, so I never even saw a psychiatrist. Tho I’m trying to get in with one anyway, but that’s way beside the point.)

I definitely understand you being unable to trust the current provider; she clearly didn’t hear you or take everything (anything?) into account. Anyone who comes to you from an emotionally abusive situation should warrant a ton of follow-up questions and in-depth probing. Even beyond that, just in general, taking stock of all the symptoms and reviewing any identified triggers is going to go a long way toward real diagnosis. Your notebook should have made her job a breeze, instead of her having to pick through your anecdotes of what happens when, she could just look at your notes! You were doing everything right; a therapist’s dream, honestly. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m still not that good at keeping tabs on my own symptoms and patterns. I’m enraged on your behalf, because when someone comes to you for help you should reach back out to them, not be prescriptivist even if you’re dealing with prescriptions.

If medication is something you’ve been considering for a while, and feel like it might be a good fit for you, it may be worth trying the current prescription even though the current doctor is garbage, since SSRIs are usually the first try medications anyway. But that always comes with risks, because sometimes the first try doesn’t really work out for you or your specific situation. But SSRIs as a category are pretty safe, and are used for anxiety disorders (including panic disorder and generalized anxiety), ptsd, depression, and ocd as well. So chances are even if you found a psych who did their job well (aka not labeling you ocd for being prepared), they were going to land on an SSRI as a first try, too. That definitely doesn’t make it an easy decision, tho. That nagging fear may always be with you if you try it anyway despite not really trusting her diagnosis, and that could add a layer of complexity to deciding whether the medicine is right for you. Especially if you end up needing to switch medication or dosage, having a doctor you trust from the outset is going to be important.

I obviously cannot tell you what to do, nor do I want to, or even think I should if I could, because personal situations are just that--personal. I would only caution that if you’re already having difficulty getting or doing a job without medical assistance (ie medication), that trying it under serious stress for a few months may do more harm than good as far as worsening your difficulties, or causing new ones. However, sometimes we aren’t in the position to make the “best” decision for our health because living takes precedence; I’ve taken plenty of jobs that wrecked my mind and body and I kept them anyway because I absolutely had to. So I’m not going to get on a high horse because I know exactly how hard it is, and the difficult decisions you have to make in order to survive. I’m just so very sorry you are in that position to make such a decision.

If you do decide to try the medication anyway, some tips on kind of “going it alone” since you won’t be able to/won’t want to go back to the original doctor:

Start at a lower dose than the full final dosage. If she didn’t prescribe a “titration” schedule, starting at half dose for a week is a good place to begin.

Understand that things might get worse before they get better. You might have horrible mood swings, really bad depressive days, or bad anxiety spells before you start seeing the true effects. This isn’t indicative of whether the medicine is going to work eventually, but if it becomes too much for you to deal with, you should stop anyway.

Side effects may come and go. Just worth noting.

If possible, have someone close to you who knows that you’re starting this medicine. Obviously not a family member given your situation, but if you have a friend or anyone you do trust in your immediate vicinity, or even a friend you communicate with long-distance, make sure someone knows. That way you have someone to report in to and who can check up on you as you adjust.

Start by taking them with food, even if it doesn’t have a nausea warning. I’d suggest evening meal or soon thereafter, because SSRIs often cause drowsiness at first (great for helping with insomnia tho!).

You’re probably going to have a full month or two before it reaches its peak effect, since this is your first time trying them. You might see some relief right away, but full efficacy takes time as it builds up in your system. If you can tolerate the side effects (or don’t have any), and you’re able to deal with the mood swings or psychiatric effects, stick with it at least 6 weeks.

Listen to that “don’t drive or operate machinery” warning. First-time-medication drowsiness is a special breed that sneaks up on you and also makes you feel WEIRD.

You can also see about filling the prescription and then researching the name on the label before you decide whether or not to take it. Or, if you have an online account with the pharmacy, as with CVS, you can see the name of the drug there, or even call the pharmacy she sent it to and ask them what the name of it was (”for insurance purposes” or “because I forgot which one it was”) and then research it on sites like Mayo Clinic and rxlist.com (don’t do webmd). These websites include lists of what it’s approved to treat, so if you’re fairly certain you actually have anxiety/depression, look for that on the list. Just know that all websites are essentially required to remind you that an SSRI (really any antidepressant or mood stabilizer) could worsen any suicidal thoughts or behaviors, though this is mostly a risk for the 24 and under crowd with emphasis on teenagers. And it doesn’t happen to everyone.

Should you decide not to do the medicine right now because of the doctor who prescribed it, I applaud you for your bravery and strength in facing both your uncertain future and your mental/emotional difficulties without the assistance you feel you need. That’s a hard, hard thing to do, and I wish it wasn’t a choice you had to make.

I’ll be sending good vibes, thoughts, and prayers your way as you’re dealing with so many transitions and difficulties. I know cyber hugs are kind of a dated internetism, and may not mean much, but I give you all the cyber hugs my cyber arms can muster.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #203

I’m not dead, World of Warcraft just devoured my life again.

Have you ever been inside of an abandoned building? Yes; a shack first, but we picked up the courage to just barely set foot into this small building absolutely littered with newspapers and such. Almost went into the main house, but my sister, friend, and I were too intimidated by the idea. I didn't want to imagine what could be in there; already anxious by that age, I worried about feral animals or homeless being in there. Have you ever actually believed in monsters? (Like as a kid) Yes, I think. Do you have any fascination with the macabre? Examples? Oh boy, do you know me? I find most gore cool, I love bone art/vulture culture sort of stuff, I find death and decay fascinating, then there's the roadkill photography I do (done in only great respect/to show the horror of what we can cause), dark and especially gory artwork... I could go on for a while. Do you actually think skeletons are scary? I LOVE skeletons, add that to the above list. I was always excited in school if our science class had a replica in it. What monster movie is your favorite? This is broad... You mean like, actual monsters? Not like Freddy Krueger, per se, and focused on them? Hell I dunno, maybe Monsters Inc., lol. Is Hocus Pocus really a good movie, or a bit overrated? We cannot associate if you so much as dislike Hocus Pocus. What witch-themed movie/show is your favorite, anyhow? See above. Do you like The Nightmare Before Christmas? Hell yeah. Ha, pretty funny though: I'm not obsessed with the movie or anything, yet people give me sooooooo much Jack Skellington stuff for my birthday and/or Christmas. I do love Jack, totally, but you'd assume I was more in love with the character than I actually am. Do you count it as a Halloween movie and a Christmas movie? Halloween, for me. Do you like Jack or Sally better? Jack. What other Tim Burton works do you enjoy, if any? Corpse Bride and Alice in Wonderland are my absolute favorites, then there's Frankenweenie, Beetlejuice, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach (literally my lil sis's and my childhoods), and probably more. I just love him. Are there any ‘dark’ or ‘spooky’ films you recommend? Absolutely the original Blair Witch Project. Spoiler, you never see the "witch," and that just made it so much spookier, particularly when there's a scene that seems to have a high chance of her showing up on the camera. It's very convincing in selling it as "based on a true story;" the characters act realistic in the situations they're in and are very dedicated to acting well. It's my personal definition of a "good" horror movie. If anything, shit, watch it for the ending. Creepiest goddamn thing. Just for fun – what would your personal hell look like? Yeesh, let's not visualize that... On Supernatural, do you like the angels or demons better? I am way, WAY behind, but from very faint memories, I believe the demons. Have you ever purchased anything from an occult or New Age shop? What? No. Do you know any Pagans/Wiccans? I believe one of my old friends is Wiccan? Do you know any Satanists? I don't believe so. Would you ever keep a tarantula as a pet? Nah. Are there any urban legends in your area? What are they? Looked it up and apparently NC does have some, but idk about *my* area. Do you find dead trees beautiful? Some, like really big ones. Who was the last person you sat next to? Mom. Are you embarrassed to let others see you without makeup? No. Have you ever had a nickname at your church? If so, what? Don't believe so, when I grew up going to church. What was the last stuffed animal you bought? Not sure. Maple trees, fir trees, or palm trees? Maple. Which biblical name do you prefer: Naomi, Esther, Rachel, or Joanna? Naomi, easily. I used to want to name my hypothetical daughter that. Which biblical guys name do you prefer: Seth, Jedidiah, Ezra, or Buz? Seth. Who is the hardest working person you know? MY. MOTHER. She works her fucking ASS off; I'd like to see most people handle even a single day in her life. Can you name any songs by Godsmack? A few: "No Rest For The Wicked," "Whatever," "Mama," "Voodoo," "Voodoo Too," "Hollow," "Time Bomb," "The Enemy," and... that may be it? What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Meeting Sara. How deeply do you care for your education? Is it something you take seriously? I don't really know how to answer this. Like... I care, but I don't care enough to be competitive about it or obsess over it. I target for just being "enough." Would you prefer to go to a beach or to a park for a day, and why? What would you do? Park. The beach is too hot, windy, and I hate the feel of sand. Idk what I'd do at the park considering there are various kinds... What are five things you own in your favorite color? Tank top, iPod, uh... I'm blanking. Is your favorite clothing store close to your house or do you have to travel far? The nearest one is like an hour away. In real life do you laugh like ‘haha,’ ‘hehe’ or something else? The former. Do you have any unusual skills? No. Do you have any bug bites right now? No. Do you like to look at other peoples’ houses? Sure, when riding by them. What’s the weirdest compliment you’ve ever received? Good question. Maybe my toes are cute? (They're fucking tiny.) Would you say you’re more witty or childish about jokes? Witty, I guess. What do you think about video games? One of the greatest technological achievements. Video games brought forth a new form of entertainment to enjoy, one that can hold someone's focus for hours and stay fun. They can also tell fantastic stories, just like reading a book or watching TV, and the more and more realistic in vision games are becoming, it just becomes easier with every game to feel more immersed in the universe. What would you, or do you, study at college? I'm going for zoology. Have you ever had, or wanted, a pet ferret? Oh my god in Heaven, yes. They are so damn cute; when Sara was here and we were in PetSmart for something, I actually started tearing up and squealing because of how GODDAMN PRECIOUS THEY WERE, like they all came up to the glass pawing at us, and watching them play was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. The only thing holding me back from getting one is the fact I know they are veeery messy and require a lot of care. Is there anything you find undeserving of the hype it received? Eh, don't feel like thinking about this. In other words, idk and idc. Do you think it’s better to label yourself than be labelled? Who cares, honestly. Don't restrain yourself with a label, and what others see in you and you following along with it solely because of that is naive. What’s something you do a lot? Over-evaluate anything and everything, because my OCD has been an absolute beast for the longest time. Are you currently on any other websites? Twitch and deviantART are open. Have you ever been told you naturally tilt your head a certain way? YES. I have done this since like... late middle school or earlier when the hair to the right of my part covered my eye. My mom points it out all the time, and no matter how many times I've tried to unlearn it, I can't do it. My head physically feels weird if I straighten it. When was the last time you laughed at someone? Some time earlier when I was watching Mark play GTA. Do you have any projects on the go right now? I started a massive YouTubers video with "High Hopes" over a month ago, and now I haven't touched it since the day I started lmao. Do you, or did you, really look forward to when you can finally move away? Eh... yes and no. I really question my ability to be that independent. What’s the worst tattoo you’ve ever seen? Who knows. What’s your favorite name ever? Alessandra. Are you a hat person? No. Have you ever forgotten how to do something simple? Ha, yeah. Have you ever been hit on by somebody way too old for you? Possibly an old family friend; he had this thing for being REALLY flirtatious with my older sister, and then me sometimes as I got older. We were never alone with him or anything, I mean he did it right in front of our mother and dad (he fucking loathed him because of it, probably still does), so we think he was joking? Have you ever climbed a chain-link fence? Yes. Have you ever had to run from the cops? No. Do you know anyone who is constantly humming? No? Are you afraid of any specific animals? I mean the usual insects and spiders, then there's the few more unusual ones such as SLUGS, MAGGOTS, larvae in general really, whale sharks, worms... probably others that aren't coming to me. Did anything comical happen to you today? No. Are you any good at fussball? Not especially. Who do you usually dream about? Jason is most often in the ones I actually remember. Yay. It made sense when I wasn't even beginning to heal, but now that I am and I STILL have them despite having fully and entirely moved on, I finally just asked my mother if it was normal, which apparently it is extremely common with even "recovered" PTSD victims. Shoulda asked/looked it up way sooner... Do you visit your dentist as often as you should? Yeah, thanks to Mom. She always ensures I stay updated with medical exams/appointments. I'm lucky as hell to have her here to keep my life straight. Do you still have a teddy bear? Maybe in the bags in the attic? Did you get any Girl Scout cookies this year? No. They don't come here. What’s your favorite fairytale? Bitch Shrek don't even @ me it's a fucking fairytale. Do you apologize when you know you should? Usually. In most cases, I feel overwhelming guilt otherwise. Do apologies really make anything better? Sometimes, to a degree. Can other people tell when you’re high? I've never been high. Do you own a birdcage? No. Have you ever planted anything? Yeah. Have you ever been blackmailed into doing anything? No. What eyeshadow color looks best on you? I only ever wear black. Can you tolerate small children? jfc no. In almost any situation. Even my niece and nephew, I can't be around them but for so long without getting burnt out or aggravated. What’s the stupidest behavior humans partake in? Holy sweet mother of The Lord God Almighty- Have you ever seriously considered suicide? Yeah. Did you ever hit anything while learning to drive? I like... immediately hit a curb lmao, and I STILL can't turn past them without the risk of running over it. It's one of the things that's holding me back from getting my license yet. Which movie’s musical score is truly memorable? UM, The Lion King??????? Hurry the FUCK up July. Which TV show theme music do you remember most? That '70s Show. Have you ever bounced any checks? I've never even used a check... How many speeding tickets have you been given? None. Not that I drive a lot. First kiss: quick, sloppy, and forgettable or passionate and memorable? It was fucking adorable and definitely memorable. I don't care how I feel about him now, that's a little event I'll always remember and cherish. Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White, or Larry the Cable Guy? OH GOD what was that stand-up show with just them? I LOVED that back as a teen. I don't know who I liked most, but probably Jeff or Bill. I do know Ron was my least favorite, but he wasn't bad. How many bills do you pay online? I'm a 23-year-old "adult" who doesn't have bills. What’s the highest score you ever bowled? Hell if I remember. Nothing impressive. What’s your definition of a good, full breakfast? The "perfect" picture is like pancakes, scrambled cheesy eggs, and bacon. Whats your favorite flavor of jam? Of what I've tried, I only like grape. Are you a fast runner? I can't even TELL you the last time this bitch ran. At school was is/was the main reason you get/got in trouble? It was never severe trouble, just a quick word, but Jason because we'd always hug and usually just exchange a peck in-between going to classes; both were no-nos in our shit school, and the hall monitors or whatever would tell us not to if they saw, buuut we didn't listen. Hell, I think maybe hand-holding was against the rules too, which I know we didn't abide by if that was present. Do you make your views heard or do you hide in the background? It depends. I'd say heard more often, maybe? Do you have many friends from foreign countries? No. Can you open your mouth very wide? No. You know those things at the dentist where you have to bite down straight onto them for an impression of your molars? If the dentist was considerate enough, I'd use the one for older children instead of adult because I canNOT fully bite down on the normal ones without it being incredibly painful and I gag like mad to the point I inevitably tear up. What was the reason for your last x-ray? My knees were being checked with all the horrible pain I'd been dealing with from them. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not for the sake of being rebellious, no. I only had such streaks (and still do) when I saw/see them appropriate to the situation. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. What is the most common name where you live? I dunno. Elizabeth, maybe? Actually just looked it up for the hell of it and what I found first says William (which I can absolutely believe) and Ava (which I question?). When something really scares you, what’s your immediate reaction? Jump, gasp, and either dash or stare at whatever the source is like a deer in headlights. Does it bother you to be around people who are smoking? Yes. How much time do you spend on the phone a day? Not long at all. I check Instagram usually at least once, and I don't follow a lot at all. Sometimes I check Facebook on my phone, but I usually do on my laptop now. That doesn't take very long, either. Your favorite song lyrics right now: "What I do know is come Judgment Day, I followed love; can you say the same?" from "Natural Born Sinner" by In This Moment. Do you think it’s possible for a rap song to make you cry? Ever heard "Runaway Love" by Ludacris & Mary J. Blige? Bitch you bet it makes me wanna cry. Name three books that have actually made you cry [really cry not a few tears]: I don't think I've ever gone beyond just a few tears, really. The Notebook probably was the hardest on me, though. Or Old Yeller. Idr. Is it easy to annoy you? Maybe. Do you watch musicals? If so, which is your favorite? If not, why not? No, because they make me cringe into a new dimension. Do you wear short shorts & tanktops in the summer? You will never see me in shorts, and I wear tank tops like... always. Always to bed, at least. Does the idea of having a baby at your age scare you? Having a baby period does. No fucking thanks. Do you remember who your best friend was in fourth grade? Quiata. Maybe still Brianna, idr. What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? None. Is there anywhere in your house that you’re scared to be alone in? No. Any embarrassing/childish shows you secretly still enjoy watching? No. I don't watch TV period, but what I do like, BELIEVE THIS SHIT OR NOT, I'm not embarrassed. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital for a long period of time? I think the longest I was ever supposed to stay somewhere was three months, but that didn't actually happen. The longest I've actually been in a hospital was two weeks, give or take. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? I'm not straight so obviously not. Name three things in your room that others probably don’t have in theirs: An iguana, a snake, and a rat. In the same general area lmao. What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? Nothing. If you could pull off any hairstyle, what would it look like? A pixie cut. The kind with the shaved sides. Besides furniture, what’s the biggest thing in your bedroom? Uhhh my snake's cage? Do you diet and exercise regularly? I do a 16-hour fast daily. What’s something that you think is really cute? Even though I don't want kids, I can't see men being really vibrant and cute with babies or toddlers without just alksdfjioawer Would you rather donate time, blood, or money? Hm. I feel like ultimately, money would be most beneficial in the majority of cases? Can grills be sexy on a guy? They are incredibly unattractive on anyone. Are braces cute? Not particularly, but they're not like, unattractive. Unlike grills, they serve an actual purpose and aren't as obnoxious. Which of your friends makes you laugh the hardest? Girt. What brings out the worst in you? Being extremely stressed. I'm seriously snappy and irritable. Would you rather go to Canada or Mexico on vacation? Canada, probably. If you have glasses, do you get days when you don’t feel like wearing them? I don't think about it because I don't have a choice if I want to see. Do you ever wear hats indoors? I don't wear them period. Have you ever played bingo at an actual bingo hall? No. Have you ever pledged money to a Kickstarter and it reached its goal? If so, did you get any fun extra stuff because you pledged a higher amount? No. What’s your favorite comic book/graphic novel? I don't have one. What’s something you can do without looking/with your eyes closed? Type. Is there a color combination that holds a significance to you? If so, what is the combination and what does it mean? No. What was the last thing you swore at? I don't know. If you use Facebook, do you ever look at the Memories page? Ugh no. Let's not remind myself of dark times or more specifically cringy ones. Do you have a drawer where you just throw some random stuff? No. What’s the funniest shirt that you own? I don't find any really funny. What is something you absolutely refuse to pay for? Ummm "fancy" clothing brands, to name one of the top contenders. Has a stray/runaway cat or a dog ever followed you home? If so, what did you do with it? Maybe a cat? I don't think so, though. Is there a stranger you expect to see every day? No. What is something you take pride in? My recovery. What is something you have a lot of experience in? I guess photography? What’s the biggest magnet on your fridge? I don't feel like going to check. Do you prefer things (movies, books, etc) that scare you or make you laugh? Entertainment media rarely actually scares me, but I prefer "scary" stuff. Were you born with naturally straight teeth? Well, I had to get braces, so I would assume not? Do you try not to take a lot of medicine or do you take it whenever? I avoid OTCs when I can; I'm on enough prescribed stuff. Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? Sour. Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear? No. Are fireworks illegal to buy where you live? The big ones, yes. People still go to Myrtle Beach on the SC side to buy them tho. Can you talk and work at the same time? No. Do you care more about yourself or more about others? This really depends on what the situation is... and my state of mind at the time. But I think usually myself? It used to be others, but I learned how unhealthy that can be. Do you find it easy to pass the time or do you get really bored? I get bored excruciatingly easily. How often do you re-watch/re-read things or are you more ‘once only’? I'm typically an "only once" person. What color ink do you prefer writing in? Black? Have you inherited any garments from your parents or grandparents? I don't think so. When was the last time you visited the doctor? Why did you go? Around a week ago to get my vitamin D re-checked. Have you ever been in a Catholic confessional? Yes. Who was the last non-relative you rode in a vehicle with? My VR coach. What movie are you looking forward to coming out? I will be seeing the live action TLK as fast as physically possible. What was the title of the last song you listened to? "God Hates Your Outfit" lmao. ^Who performs it? Jeffree Star. Can you do a backflip? No. Is your car newer than a 2004? I don't have my own car. Who is the lead singer of your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne. How would you feel if you knew you were adopted? If I grew up knowing, I wouldn't feel much of anything new besides the fact I'd be grateful as hell someone chose me. If I just suddenly found out, I'd be inexplicably shocked and furious I was never told. Do you have freckles? No. Do you have dimples? Very clearly on my left cheek, and I have a super shallow one on the right that used to be more apparent. And I have back dimples. When was the last time you went fishing? When Sara was here in June last year. Do you know anyone with a pet that has your name? No. Do you expect to be married in the next 2 years? Most likely not. What was the last injury you received? Probably something from Roman playing. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yeah. Do you regret it? No. Do you ever get in weird moods and listen to music you normally hate? Very rarely I listen to pop from when I was a kid. How old is the oldest person you’ve dated? Well, we "dated" for less than a day, but idk. I'd guess he's 27-ish now? Have you ever tried a colorful macaroon? No. What’s the last thing you made out of clay? An anatomical heart, I think? Did you learn to type through a computer program for kids? Not really for kids? We took them in middle school, and they weren't like, super kiddy. How many years were you homeschooled? I never was. What color is the tree outside your window? Uhhh probably green? I don't wanna get up and look. What do you take for pain? Advil/Ibuprofen. Which pharmacy do you use? Harris Teeter. What is this month’s calendar picture? Don't have a calendar. Is there a coffee shop in your town that’s better than Starbucks? N/A Who has the best personality on YouTube? Shane Dawson's is probably the most universally likable, I think. Have you ridden your bike yet this year? I don't have one anymore. What does your bike look like? N/A Who are your favorite kids that you’ve babysat? I babysat only once and hated it. Not the kid, just the duty. Who is your favorite cousin? I don't have a favorite. Does one side of your family live in another state? Both sides do. What states did your parents grow up in? New York and Ohio. What, if anything, are you severely allergic to? Severely, nothing. Have you ever had an allergic reaction to an insect? No, thankfully. Do you spill food on yourself while you eat? Not often. What is a topic you like to answer questions on the most? Meerkats or Mark. Have you ever seen a queen bee outside its hive? I have no clue. Which Clue (or Cluedo) character is your favorite? I was always Miss Scarlet because even as a kid I knew she was hot stuff. Do you watch any old films? If so, name a few of your favorites. I don't really watch movies period. But a few I like are The Outsiders, Old Yeller, Johnny Got His Gun, A Raisin In The Sun, Steel Magnolias... lots of others, really. Just not many are coming to mind immediately. Who are some of your classic era film actors and actresses, if any? Idk. Do you have any novelty ice cube trays? No. Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? The only ex who I'm aware even loved me in the first place is Jason, and I probably wouldn't say anything. Got a very strong feeling my PTSD would literally erupt like goddamn Saint Helen and I'd leave the situation in the blink of an eye. I don't love him anymore, and I don't even know if I'd believe him telling me that now, but I know damn well it would fuck with me. Would you ever work at a movie theater? It sure as hell wouldn't be my first pick. At least here, they're grossly underpaid and overworked. Do you have a phone charger in your car? If you have a specific type of cord. Do you live far from your parents? I live with my mom. Dad's like... 20-ish minutes away, if that? Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? Mom is always with me. Do you like pineapple on pizza? Never tried, never want to. I can just about guarantee I would positively loathe it. Sweet and savory don't mix with me. Do you like to hold hands? With my s/o and I'm comfortable with them, yeah. What’s a show that you absolutely refuse to watch? 13 Reasons Why. How many times have you been in love? Twice. Do you remember how old you were when you started swearing? However old I was in the 7th grade. Last thing you cooked? Toaster strudels in the toaster oven. Movie you want to see? I wanna see the newest HTTYD soooo badly, but I doubt I'll get the chance while it's in theaters. Ever spent the night in a tent? Yeah. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy. The others are dead. Can you snap your fingers? Poorly with my right hand. Can you wink? Only with my right eye. How many keys do you carry with you? One. How well do you know the people you live with? Well, she's my mom and we're very close. Do you own any jerseys? No. Who knows your biggest secrets? Sara. Have you ever ran from your own parents? No. Are you afraid of clowns? No. Do you crack your knuckles? I physically can't, and besides, the sound is disgusting to me. Who IMed you on Facebook last? Girt. Could you see yourself dropping out of high school? I'm long out of high school, and I didn't. Do you have any personal fashion rules that revolve around your own preferences/body type (e.g., you never/always wear a certain color, sleeve type, or length of dress)? I don't wear shorts, tight shirts, dresses, skirts, crop tops, I wouldn't dare touch a romper, I highly doubt I'd wear yellow... just to name the ones that came to me immediately. Do you remember any celebrity whose style you admired when you were a teen? What do you think of that style now? YO Avril Lavigne was my emo model okay. She's still a queen. The last time you had a conflict with someone else, did you confront them about it or keep it to yourself? Do you think it would have been better or worse to do the opposite? Uhhh... I don't remember who this was. When you finally make a decision to do something you have been contemplating for a while, do you become highly anxious and motivated to do it right away? Yup. When you were a kid did you make up lies about your life to make yourself seem more interesting? Alternatively, did you know kids who told these stories and did you believe them? Bitch I made up that a talking wolf came to me and gave me animal powers and the rule was I could only tell three people. I was a fucking weird kid. I know others who have made things up, too. Can you think of a moment from your childhood that was totally “on brand” for you, or consistent with your adult personality? I'm sure there's something, but nothing's coming to me rn. Have you ever warned someone else about something, whether it was about a person in their life or an oncoming weather event? Yup, in numerous scenarios. So, is it "gif" with a hard G or soft G? I say both, but "jiff" more frequently. Is there a book or movie that you thought was about something completely different from what it actually ended up being about? What did you think it would be? Maybe... Is there an item that you bought on a whim, but now consider it a crucial part of your life and you would or have purchased it again? I have no clue.

[toosmallinabigworld-blog]

Just What the Doctor Prescribed, Literally

I’ve been wanting to do something like this for a really long time and it means the world to me that so many of you have read the blog and been supportive. Hearing from everyone that read my last post confirmed for me that starting this blog was a good idea. I received a lot of compliments and anecdotes from people telling me that they appreciated my candor and willingness to talk about issues that they hadn’t heard talked about or weren’t able to talk about themselves. So, thank you for reading. I was struggling for a very long time with writer’s block, I would start something and then immediately criticize it and not know how to continue. It felt like I was running full force into a brick wall. I think that happened because I was trying to write fiction. When I was a kid and in middle school, I could write fiction like nobody’s business. Now, I realized that I struggle with fiction because I can’t relate to it anymore. I don’t want to write about made up characters that deal with real life scenarios. I want to write about real people that deal with real scenarios. So, let’s chat about a real life thing, shall we?

           Mental illness. It’s a phrase that people spit out of their mouths like it’s rotten. A phrase that makes people uneasy and nervous, ironically. The real life equivalent of saying Voldemort. This is a topic I’m nervous to discuss because it is incredibly personal to me. And I have reservations about talking about my experience with this due to the controversy surrounding it. But I feel that it is important to talk about, regardless of how weary it makes me. Mental illness is no joke and if talking about this could potentially help someone then feeling anxiety about this is worth it. According to The National Institute of Mental Health, in 2016 it was found that nearly 1 in every 5 adults in the U.S. lives with a mental illness. If you’re bad at math like I am, that’s 44.7 MILLION people. Almost 45 million people in the U.S. have a mental illness and yet we still treat those people that are afflicted like lepers. Like they are lesser human beings than us because of something that they can’t control. Now, not everyone who has a mental illness is treated like shit. Because some are more accepted than others and by accepted, I mean acknowledged. Such as ADD and ADHD. Those are illnesses that are more commonly accepted because they are less scary to think about. I don’t know anyone who has thrown a bitch fit over someone that has a hard time sitting still, concentrating and overlooking things. They’ve gotten frustrated but not immediately assumed that they were unstable and broken. Let’s face it those are the easiest to wrap the mind around. But when things start to get complicated is when people tend to start getting judgmental and scared and hateful. And hate stems from fear. I can’t remember where I heard that but it’s pretty damn accurate. For example, I’ve heard those who have Schizophrenia blatantly referred to as crazy. And why are they called crazy? Because of Schizophrenia’s most popularized symptoms, delusions and hallucinations. We’ve all heard tales of people seeing animals or people, hearing voices that tell them to do horrific things and those are legitimate things that happen. But those are all we hear about. And because we don’t necessarily understand why that happens, we get scared and demonize them. Which is bullshit. If we immediately got scared of everything we didn’t understand nobody would ever leave their houses. I don’t understand how concrete is made but that doesn’t mean that I don’t walk on the sidewalk or get in a car and drive on the street. I would venture to say that Schizophrenia is probably the most controversial of the mental illnesses, but it is not alone in illnesses that make people uncomfortable. Take OCD for example, people just think it’s obsessive organizing and that it is a choice, something they can just stop doing. But it is infinitely more complicated than that. It’s uncontrollable thoughts and actions that they feel they have to repeat over and over again. And in extreme cases, they think something bad is going to happen if they don’t carry out those behaviors. People’s reactions to those illnesses are what facilitate such negative thought processes about hyper common maladies such as depression and anxiety.

           Nothing pisses me off more than hearing someone say to a person with depression, just be happy. When you have clinical depression you don’t get to choose to “just be happy” because guess what? It isn’t that easy, it’s out of your control entirely. Clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The brain isn’t producing enough serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine neurotransmitters. Causing feelings of sadness, hopelessness, lack of interest/motivation, guilt, low energy, etc. I could go on for pages and pages but at the risk of sounding like a commercial for an antidepressant I’ll stop. I think you get the point. I am one of those people who has been told to “just be happy”. I was diagnosed with depression coupled with seasonal affective disorder, anxiety, insomnia, and OCD like repetitive thoughts when I was in 6th grade. As if being 11 and in middle school wasn’t hard enough, let’s throw a mood disorder in the mix, that should be fine. Right? Wrong. Being told you have a mental illness is like waking up one morning and realizing you have a tattoo that you’ve never seen before. You don’t know how you got it, you’re scared that it’s there in the first place, anxious about what other people are going to think about it, it will never go away, and all you can do is take care of it and hope that it doesn’t get infected and fuck up everything else in your life. Depression can be immensely polarizing. I’ve heard a million and one people say that it gets better, but when your brain isn’t doing its job, it inadvertently convinces you that you are utterly and inconceivably alone. And it’s not a constant feeling either. It comes in waves, sometimes I can go for days without feeling like complete ass and sometimes I can go for days feeling like a dead slug. It’s not something you can predict. And it’s a difficult hole to try and dig yourself out of when you find yourself there. Now depression, just like people comes in all shapes and sizes. And most people’s experiences with it don’t mirror each other, and it’s that lack of sameness that breeds the loneliness that is so common in depressed people. I know all too well about that feeling of loneliness. I’m going to take you on a journey through what a bad day looks like for me, which will be really easy to do since I’m having a bad day today. When I wake up I don’t usually know right away that my brain has hit the off switch on functioning. The first indicator is this ever present feeling of heaviness. Like someone dipped my whole body in molasses. Getting out of bed is physically difficult and I don’t even want to. Because even something simple like walking is just fucking hard. My body aches and I feel like a zombie and in reality I probably look like one too. Next on the shit list is the mental fog. And it genuinely feels exactly like it sounds. I can’t think clearly or focus on things that aren’t generally mindless and easy. I isolate myself and even though I’m feeling lonely and sad, I don’t want to be around other people. And I have no desire to eat, I just lose my appetite all together.

           Anxiety does the same thing. I’ve been anxious, worried, and habitually stressed out for as long as I can remember. I’ve had teachers, friends, previous therapists, and even my parents call me a worrier. Which couldn’t be more accurate. I have a terrible habit of worrying about other people so much that I start to take on their problems. Stressing about my dad not having a girlfriend and hoping that he doesn’t end up dying alone. Worrying about my mom every time she gets sick, even if it’s just a cold. Taking on issues my friends are having with their families and trying to use my knowledge from many years of therapy to help them overcome their problems. Worrying and stressing that much can lead to panic. I remember the first time I had a panic attack, it was freshman year and I was in my 6th period Spanish class. Describing what a panic attack feels like is akin to trying to explain what the color red looks like. Especially because it’s subjective, no two people have the same experience. But because it’s important I’m going to do my best to explain. It feels like the world is crashing down on me for no particular reason. It’s terrifying. It legitimately feels like my skin is turning inside out. I get shaky, sweat like a whore in church, scared. It feels like I’m trapped in my own body and all I want to do is run away and hide. From myself. Panic attacks are something I still struggle with. They’ve decreased in prevalence since I found a medication regiment that works for me but even that doesn’t eradicate them completely. Most of the time I have no warning as to when one is going to happen. But there are some specific triggers, for example when I hear an unexpected loud bang or noise. I have PTSD and that sound sets off a fire in my brain that causes me to panic. Or when my stress level gets too high and I get overwhelmed. My mind doesn’t know whether to fight or flee so it gets stuck in the middle and I shut down. There is nothing that I know of that compares to that feeling. And when it’s over I’m left exhausted and weak. It fucking sucks. There’s no other way to say it. It fucking sucks.

           When I was first diagnosed, I was paralyzed at the thought of telling anyone that I have d&a (depression and anxiety, it’s getting annoying writing out the entire words). I was scared of being judged by my peers, and looked at like a freak, like I was different; even more different than I already felt. I didn’t want to get bitched at by everyone for being the emotionally broken girl, which is what I thought I was. I remember my first appointment with my psychiatrist, I was scared. I was adamant about not wanting to go on medication, but my parents thought otherwise. Which wasn’t a bad thing. In reality going on medication was the best thing that could have happened. Because I don’t know where I would be without it. I’ve had the discussion with multiple people about how I shouldn’t need to be on medication anymore. That I should be able to just learn how to deal with my depression and move on. But it isn’t that simple. Like I said before, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The medication helps rebalance me. But it isn’t an exact science. Since 6th grade I have been on 8 different medications, some of which I still take. Why so many you ask? It comes back to it not being an exact science. Sometimes the medication will work for a while and then just stop. Which, speaking from personal experience, is a bitch and a half. It’s so aggravating when you can feel that something isn’t right but should be. That being said, finding the right medication, or medications in my case can be immensely helpful. I’ve gone from regular panic attacks and depression so bad that you can’t complete simple tasks to what I refer to as, being at ground zero. Ground zero is a great place to be, no extreme highs and the absolute lowest of lows. Just level. There is no joy in the world that can compare to finally feeling normal when you’re used to feeling like your emotions are exploding.  

           I have been really lucky to have a family who completely supports me and is always there when I need them. And they understand when I’m having a shitty day and what that means. I have been spectacularly lucky to have that. Others have not been so lucky. And that breaks my heart. Nobody deserves to be looked down upon for something that they can’t control. It’s like getting mad at someone for the color of their eyes. They didn’t choose the color, genetics gave them that color. So, who are we to judge them for that? This post is jam packed with facts and personal testimonials and if you gain anything at all from it, I hope you gain some understanding and empathy. That the next time you see someone on the street talking to themselves or one of your friends is really sad or stressed out for no obvious reason. Don’t judge. Try to understand. Try and wrap your mind around the concept that their brain is, for lack of a better phrase, rebelling against them. You don’t choose to have a mental illness, just like you don’t choose to have legs. It’s what life has bestowed upon you. So, I challenge you to try and change your frame of mind, you may find it enlightening.  

[delusion-of-negation]

On another note Lucifer is actually pretty enjoyable in a campy way as long as you don’t think too hard about it being related to sandman

I haven't watched that yet, so I'll check it out! On the subject of supernatural shows, I'd recommend Diablero on Netflix - it's really good, probably the best of that kind of show out at the moment (better than the more recent Supernatural series), and it reminds me a lot of the Constantine movie that had Keanu Reeves in it (which I really like). Also, Love Death and Robots is really good, and I especially liked Sonnie's Edge - that episode was dark and really well crafted; the sound, the imagery (idk if metaphor is the right word, but y'all know what I mean), the twists, the writing, it was really well put together.

On a massive tangent (but since we're talking about watching things on Netflix), I'm still looking for a good horror movie that either isn't pretentious or is good enough to carry its pretentiousness. This new wave of pretentious horror films (alongside boring cookie cutter ones and so many sequels and remakes and spin-offs) is getting really tiresome, because they seem to think that if you just say it's a horror film and kill a few people in the few brief breaks we get from having depression or philosophy forced down our throats, then that makes it a horror film... it's like no dude, you've got to make it scary. I clearly don't mind having metaphors, deeper messages, etc (again, Sonnie's Edge, and Love Death and Robots as a whole, uses that stuff well, and I like other stuff that does too, like Annihilation and The Night Eats The World), but I just don't want that stuff to come at the cost of what makes a film good.

Like, Annihilation was good because it actually managed to be creepy and unnerving (honestly, that film genuinely triggered some really specific OCD shit I have, and that was great, haven't been genuinely scared by a horror film in years... like, sometimes I just wanna feel like clawing my skin off after watching a horror film, is that too much to ask), and the characters were good, and when the weird fight happened towards the end it was a little anticlimactic, but it was still alright because you had actually invested time in her character growth and it was interesting to watch her figure out what was happening and come up with a solution; also it didn't spell shit out for you, like it had enough faith in the audience to expect them to notice tiny details on their own. The Night Eats The World was pretty good too because even though it was slow and quiet, you could feel the build up, you cared about the character, etc.

But then you had Bird Box that had such a good premise but then let you down at every hurdle - the character growth was completely missing, the jumping between times just caused spoilers, the creatures were inconsistent and absolutely shit (like you can have an unexplained monster but you need to do it right, inconsistency ruins immersion, these monsters just did whatever was convenient for the plot, for example, you can't look at them through a video but the news footage at the beginning didn't kill anyone and you could still see shapes and colours through the blindfold, and one person was willing to immediately crash a car to kill themself and someone they've loved for their whole life but another dude could resist it for long enough to protect some people he's known just a few years, it didn't make sense), the ableism was annoying (legit a friend said to me "The mentally ill can't go crazy because they're already crazy." and it's like dude the creatures made people suicidal by showing them something that would push them to suicide, mental illness doesn't render you incapable of being pushed to suicide, and they literally did "go crazy" if they were already "crazy", mentally ill people became dangerous and sporadically deranged, while mentally sound people killed themselves), and the worst thing was the sound design (look, if you have a movie where you can't see and you're being guided by sound, fucking get the sound right, make it get louder and quieter based on closeness, use the speakers to give it some direction, but instead some fucking wind-chimes were just as loud across a river and down the path as they were right next to them, and the birds were just as loud all the way through the forest except quiet when the creatures started talking... which makes no sense because the movie was literally named based on the fact that the birds made noise when the creatures were about). Also Ravenous/Les Affamés was SO BAD - if I wanted to watch people sit solemnly in silence for hours, only broken by the occasional bad joke, I'd go work in an office, and there was absolutely no substantial plot or tension, it just dragged on and on while you sat there wishing the zombies would just come in and eat these shitty characters.

I'm starved man, I need good horror, but Hollywood and Netflix are just churning out either cookie cutter plots, endless sequels, or pretentious shit that lacks any of the things that make a horror movie good. And don't even get me started on found footage films, I am so tired of people sacrificing a lot of quality when it comes to character building and cinematography and basically every aspect of the movie, just to have it be found footage style - like, that style can work, but not if you are fucking up everything else about the movie and not even using that style right. Cloverfield did it right. Apollo 18 did it so badly, and had such a shit plot, that I feel like it should be a criminal offense to call that atrocity a film.

EDIT: I forgot to add that The Purge series is good, it takes the slasher formula and does something new with it, and it manages to get political points across without preaching to you or being full of itself. And despite having messages and stuff, it still manages to be a good horror film - they don't detract from the film, and they didn't sacrifice the quality or horror for the sake of having a message.

[arco-pluris]

Is there a specific gender for not knowing what your gender is at the time? I'm polygender but much of the time it feels "undefined" I guess..or too vague to ever tell maybe? Not sure gendervague doesn't equite fit as I don't have an idea of what the gender is at all. So it's more than vague I guess

Well I listed a lot. It took a too long post (69 genders).

Admasgender:  A gender that refuses to be categorized and that is rooted in an indomitable, indefinable essence.

Anvisgender, Apagender, or Inersgender: Used to describe those who are too lazy/apathetic to care about their gender.  

Anongender: A gender that is unknown to both yourself and others.

Apsconsugender: A gender identity that is a process of elimination. What it is–is unknown, but the person is able to define what it isn’t. A gender where you know what it isn’t, but not what it is. like the gender is hiding itself from you.

Angegender: A gender where you can’t describe it with any word but hatred or anger. 

Antegender: A protean gender which has the potential to be anything, but is formless and motionless, and, therefore, does not manifest as any particular gender.

Abditusgender or Sectiogender: When you have a general idea of what your gender is but feel that it’s still hiding important factors from you, or that it’s slowly revealing itself to you but continues to keep some of itself hidden and you don’t know how to bring it about. 

Arigender/Ariesgender:  A complicated gender identity that you cannot explain or is very hard to explain. A gender that does not fit under any labels. An unfathomable gender. Based on the zodiac sign Aries.

Autogender:  A gender experience that feels deeply personal to oneself but it too difficult to accurately describe with any other gender terms.

Cheshiric: A term used when your gender is confusing and can easily go invisible and appear out of nowhere. One can also say their gender is like a sort of vague riddle.

Cassgender: A gender identity where one feels that their gender is unimportant or is indifferent to the idea of gender.

Cryptogender or Gendercryptic: A gender one cannot discern, describe or define in human words because one is puzzled by it. It feels like it is and it isn’t there without following any particular pattern, sometimes even at the same time.

Concedogender: ‘When you cannot be defined as questioning because you no longer question, but you never reached a particular identity. You conceded and said “I’m okay with not finding out”.’

Circgender:  A gender that feels so magical and grand you can’t describe it. Named after Circe, goddess of magic.

Collgender:  A polygender identity where one experiences too many genders to be able to describe them all.

Cengender/Resgender:  A gender that can be summed up as an unidentifiable, nondescript thing but manifests in hundreds of different genders that could be recognized and function as “girl” and /or ”boy” but is entirely dependent on the context.

Cosmicgender:  A gender so vast and complex that you are only able to process a small bit of it at a time. Like viewing the night sky through a telescope, you cannot hope to see all of it at once, however, you may gain more knowledge about parts of it the longer you focus on one part. May contain any number of sub genders within it that may present themselves to you. It is infinite in its possibility. Name from the vast reaches of space filled with things we cannot begin to imagine.

Diagender:  A single gender identity that exists, but not entirely on the gender spectrum and is difficult to locate or describe. (You should also know there is another, completely different gender identity that is also called diagender).

Echogender: When you have trouble understanding/experiencing gender so you attempt to understand your gender by mimicking the genders of those you are closest to/most often around. 

Ectogender:  A gender identity that is elusive, constantly out of one’s grasp, and/or hard to pin down. 

Errgender: ‘A stray gender, one you can’t quite get a hold of (err- stray).‘

Foggender: A gender which is close to a certain gender, but cannot be directly pinpointed due to brainfog (a lack of concentration or wakefulness associated with ADHD, fibromyalgia, depression, etc.)

Gyragender/Gyaragender/Gendervex:  When you have multiple genders but don’t understand any of them. Can be combined with relevant genders if you’re able to figure out some part of it. (Ex: if you’re gyragirl, you don’t understand your genders, but you know they have feminine qualities).

Genderstrange: ‘When you can’t pinpoint one word for your gender, but multiple terms almost fit.‘

Gendervoid or Voidgender: A gender identity defined by absence, a blank space or void where a gender might otherwise be. Sometimes synonymous with agender.

Genderweird: ‘A term used to describe those whose gender cannot be described by any existing label, or cannot be pinned down as such.’

Genderblank: ‘A sensation that one’s gender is indescribable, that there are no words to explain it.’

Gossagender: ‘A gender identity that is so weak it feels fragile or barely there.‘

Graygender: ‘Describes a person who is ambivalent about their gender identity/expression, but who identifies at least partially with a gender (defined or not) outside of the binary. They may experience a weak sense of gender, or have difficulty defining their gender, or just not be overly involved in gender as a concept.’

Gendereaux: ‘A feeling of being detached from the concept of gender, but simultaneously identifying with or encompassing many nonbinary experiences or identities.’

Genderhollow/genderempty: “a gender that is present, but is empty or hollow”.

Gender-free: Which does not define people in the basis of gender; in which gender is not present, or is insignificant or irrelevant to people’s lives and choices.

Gender+/Genderplus:  A gender which fits many gender descriptors, but is actually just one complex and big gender. Since so many gender descriptors describe the gender, you pick the one you think represents it the best (or just an arbitrary one of your choice) and add “+” to show that it is described as that gender plus others. 

Scorpigender: ‘A gender that is a mystery, and very difficult to understand. Lots of labels vaguely fit it, but almost none can fully describe it.’

Pendogender: Never being satisfied with your gender no matter how well it fits due to self-doubt, causing one to compulsively search and seek out something that fits even better. Gender perfectionism. For neurodivergent folks only, coined with people with anxiety disorders, OCD, and OCPD in mind.

Jellogender: ‘Where you only faintly feel a gender; it’s definitely present but you kind of have this vague, dissociated feeling with it, kind of like if you were to encase the gender in jello!! (`cause like it’s visible, but its kinda covered in stuff). Not to be confused with Jellygender.’

Levigender: ‘A lightweight, superficial gender you don’t feel very much; one you put on in a hurry.’

Vocigender: ‘A gender identity that feels weak or uncertain. Can be combined with relevant genders.’ (You can use vocinonbinary)

Skelogender:  A gender that’s a big part of you and comes from deep inside, but is obscure and unknowable. A gender that’s unique to you- it’s you and while it’s probably not clear to others, it keeps you together.

Staticgender: A gender which can best be described as TV static; fuzzy and incomprehensible.

Pregender: A feeling that one’s gender is growing into, but not quite yet at, a particular gender. 

Mathgender:  A precise but complex gender that, the more you explore its intricacies, the more bizarre it becomes.

Seagender:  A gender that is as deep and unknown as the ocean itself. It’s a gender that is mostly incomprehensible but slightly familiar in human terms.

Spectragender:  A gender that is such a huge, complex, or confusing spectrum that you can’t begin to define it.

Supertaskgender:  You are constantly finding smaller and smaller details about your gender, which is finite, but there are an infinite number of these details to discover.

Vapogender:  A gender that sort of feels like smoke. One can see it and understand it on a shallow level but if one tried to go deeper it disappears, and one is left with no gender and only tiny wisps of the gender one thought it was.

Worldgender:  Having multiple genders with such complex relationships and subgenders that it feels like the genders make up an entire world or planet together, each gender affecting the biomes and other features of this world/planet.

Mazeplexgender:  A gender identity best described as a dense forest or maze which is easy to get lost in, and is hard to navigate through or pinpoint a specific location or gender. It may be unknown to the person if it’s even possible to navigate through this forest or maze to find any answers. Derived from the two words Maze, and Perplex.

Nongender: A gender that is most accurately described by what it isn’t, not by what it is. 

Nullgender or Gendernull: Being without gender, but it is not agender or neutrois, a term for those to give a “tangibility” to the intangible thing that is their gender. - Undefinable, intangible, the uncreation of gender. Its taking everything everyone throws at you, saying male, female, pick one, pick this, pick that, and taking it in, only to expel it, poisonous crystals erupting from your skin, armor against those who don’t listen. A ‘I don’t want a label because labels don’t fit but they help shut people up sometimes, so here have a label’ gender label. A fall-back plan, a red herring to give people who can’t conceptualize the absence, void, nullification of gender. It is, and is not. All and none. Nonexistent but present.

Nymhs:  A gender which exists but is ambiguous or undefined. To reduce ‘othering’ and increase accessibility to children in particular, this gender can be referred to using both the adjective form ‘nymhs’ (e.g. ‘I identify as nymhs’ or ‘a nymhs individual’) and the noun form of ‘nymh’ (e.g. ‘I’m a nymh’) in the same way one may say either ‘I identify as female’ or ‘I am a girl’.

Jupitergender:  A gender that is so large and present, one is not quite sure what it is because it’s too big to see clearly, but it is definitely there and one knows that they’re definitely not cis.

Meergender:  A gender that is deep and difficult to explore, reminiscent of a large body of water, while also being multi-faceted and can fit under multiple gender descriptors. Similar to ambimegender, cosmicgender, seagender and genderplus. From the Dutch words meerdere, meaning multiple, and meer, meaning lake.

Perigender: A gender identity that is not currently known, but is becoming clearer over time. A transitional identity; When you feel your gender is comparable to a certain gender, but is a non binary identity and not even partially that binary gender. You identify with not as a gender.

Offgender: A gender that closely represents/is most closely represented by another gender, but is not that gender. Can be likened to what the color off-white is to white for descriptive purposes. 

Telegender: “A gender that one feels a disconnect from, almost to the point of not feeling it.“ 

Paragender: “A gender identity that is close to, but not exactly, a gender. For instance, someone who is a paraboy may feel that their gender is near to, but not quite male.” 

Vaguegender or Gendervague: “A gender being mostly or around a certain gender (or mostly around a certain gender), but is only approximate on account of difficulty defining it due to one’s neurodivergence.“ 

Ventulian: A gender element which is not clearly defined. It may change in a way that is hard to keep up with, impossible to describe or understand, or simply be vague and fleeting in nature, but it is present.  

Maringender: A term used to describe when part of one’s gender is identifiable but the other parts(s) is/are unidentifiable.

Pomogender: A gender where one denies or does not fit any labels for any particular gender. For example, someone who knows they’re not cis, but is not interested, or can’t specify what their gender(s) are. 

Novigender: When your gender experience (or lack thereof) is complicated in such a way that it is difficult or impossible to fit into one word or term.

Nesciogender: A gender one is not completely sure of due to one’s neurotype disallowing a clear understanding of the concept, but has a vague sense of what it could be; i.e. nescioboy, nescioagender, etc. 

Vosgender: A gender that feels wild and free one second, then confined and hidden the next. 

Spikegender or Burstgender: A mostly undefined gender with intense momentary spikes of a specific gender, such as boy, girl, genderqueer, etc, that last a relatively short time and fade away. 

Nebulagender: a multigender/xenogender identity, nebulagender individuals have many interconnected xenogenders that collectively form a multifaceted, expansive, and beautiful gender experience. May have fully defined genders, like stars that are formed within a nebula, as well as diffuse, vague, and partly/completely unidentifiable gender feelings that exist in between, like cosmic dust.  

Vexgender: ‘When one’s gender is in the non-binary/agender spectrum, but pinpointing it beyond that is impossible because the individual does not understand the concept of gender. Not to be confused with Gendervex.’

Quoigender: someone who finds the concept of gender identity, or of existing gender words, to themself to be inaccessible, inapplicable & non-sensical; can mean someone for whom the experience of gender is confusing, someone who cannot tell if they experience gender or if what they experience is indeed gender; can be used instead of “questioning,” which indicates an ongoing search for a better term; quoigender instead indicates a troubled history with gender words/identities, and perhaps a frustration with searching, or finding such a search unhelpful; instead using quoigender as a more permanent, stable, unchanging, fixed point.

Xumgender: Never being satisfied with your gender due to constant self-doubt or identity issues, causing one to compulsively search and seek out something that fits as perfect as possible–to find “the gender” or “the one truth”–though one will never be found due to one’s neurotype, because words will never be able to describe it, and/or its own properties paradox itself. This frequent anxiety and doubt even causes this gender to feel imperfect to the individual.

@genderlist @uncommongenders @xenoqueer @ask-pride-color-schemes @nonbinarypastels @transgenderteensurvivalguide @neutrois @neuroqueer-gray @askagenderfluidandgenderflux @agenderhelp @xenoqueer @xeno-aligned @genderoftheday @genderqueerpositivity @genderfluidsupport @genderqueerplus @quoigender-positivity @quoigender @neurodivergent-crow