#i could do like a test week
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if all these fucking forms weren't so difficult to fill out I potentially wouldn't struggle actually doing them tbh
#cylas speaks#if they ask if any illness has affected my work of academic life do they mean mental illness as well?#and. like. what do i write for why i applied for this specific thing. what i expect to accompish. what my goals are.#I've had the last official meeting with that career coaching support whatever person like three weeks ago and already am doubting everything#again#still havent contacted that one place i was thinking of maybe working at even though it would be good#i could do like a test week#but it'd be a regular 5 day week with weekends off ahshsha#and every time i am at work i have 'well this isnt that bad though is it? maybe i could continue doing this?' moments#like i would probably have to move to part time or actually do a... ausbildung#but yeah#still the other thing would make sense as well#I'm just. scared. idk. new things and change scary yknow.#i should get out the contact info#technically already have i think bc i needed some stuff i had in the same folder for the form#maybe they have an email address#still dont know what to say/write in jt#dont know what to put in that one form either#like 'idk that lady from the coaching told me to do this and we talked about a lot but i already forgot half of it and can't explain the#other half yknow'#take the fact that it took me three weeks to get this one form done as evidence that i am not a functional human being
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Raphaella Meets his Match
part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7
welcome to this idea that has stuck with me for months now but i finally feel able to take on, meet my rise mona lisa! she's heavily based on 87 mona lisa (obviously) so is she as sweet as she seems?
ive never made a proper comic before but if u never try u never get better ykno?
#rottmnt#rise mona lisa#rise of the tmnt#rise raph#tmnt#tmnt mona lisa#rottmnt mona lisa#tmnt raphael#raphmona#tmnt fanart#tmnt fancomic#rise raphmona#rise ramona#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#art#my art#rmhm#if ive seemed more inactive lately its cuz ive been doing nothing but this for a week#this might look corny af but 87 fans might know where this is going lmao#i made a couple changes to her design from before but i promise you i didnt nerf her height#i have a plan#when I started this I was just trying to see if I could maybe do it like this as opposed to my usual single panel style#so I think it gets better as I go ? sometimes you just vibe things happen#also cuz you know. testing what csp can do
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I get that standard time is probably the correct option, but this blogger is a slut for daylight saving time and is already sad about 4-something PM sunsets.
Trying to decide which lamp in my apartment might accidentally break so I can replace it with this dinosaur one from Target.
Wait, is it raining???? It's raining??!?!!
I look at my shoes after 8 weeks and I'm like, eh, they're fine but I go ahead and order a new pair per the recurring calendar event that past James set up after figuring out why his feet were full of angry bees, and then I put the new pair on and every time I'm like oh, yeah.
The seasonal candle I like was on the shelf at Target this afternoon so I grabbed one, and when I got home I popped the lid off to smell it as I was putting it away and... nothing. So I stuck my nose in the candle I have out and nothing. So that's a fun thing.
Maisie Peters is opening for Kelsea Ballerini and they're coming to San Diego in March and I got a ticket and that made me happy.
#the third most important thing my watch does for me is tell me when the sun will disappear#(we just ignore the part where it can't do basic time math to tell me how long between now and sunset)#sorry as a native san diegan i'm obligated to remark on the rain whenever it happens#the worst thing I ever did was figure out I could comfortably walk more if i went with the costly running shoes#i'll test in the morning#i know we all like to hate on ticketmaster but for the record fuck axs too#I had a rant earlier this week about UPS Mail Innovations Express but the thing I ordered eventually showed up so whatever
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New game interest unlocked
(crow in bottom right belongs to @patchwork-crow-writes)
#ramarl#phantasy star online#long tag warning lol i rambled#so i was introduced to phantasy star online#i think its safe to say i really enjoy the game#thank you mr crow for showing me this game :D i have new creatures to scribble now#there shall be more of these doodles#i promise you that#meant to post this wayyyyy earlier today but uh#my car broke down :') ....again :')#last week it wouldn't turn on and the headlights weren't working so we were like ''ok this is a battery issue and i need a new one''#because jumping the car didnt fix it#so we took my old battery to a shop and they tested its charge before showing us which new one we should get#but the battery had charge???????? so we went back home to troubleshoot#and then found the hooks(?idk what they're called) that connected the battery to the car had something corroded on them#so we grabbed a can of coke and scrubbed away#hooked the battery back up and bam car was working#so the issue was those hooks#until two days ago when my car didnt work again#looked at the battery again and the hooks came loose; tightened them up and bam car working again#and now at this point I'm scared to go anywhere cause what if i get stranded on my own??#so this morning i said ''alright I'm gonna drive myself to church just to be sure that my car works''#AND WOULD YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENED#at this point i just wish the damn battery was dead and that i could replace it and move on from this#i know they're a bit pricey but jesus this is exhausting#but i can't just buy a new battery if im not sure that's the actual problem because then I'd have a battery and nothing to do with it#i hate having a car sometimes i just want a bus system#or a jeep#but preferably a bus system#sorry rambles thats a long way of saying i didnt post this earlier because ive been working on my car lol
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#also. now worried ill not deal well with like. being on the train and on the bus on a book event and on a concert in the next few days#cause thats famously crowded places and i am doing So bad im taking taxi from and to work to avoid being on crowded busses lol#idk what tf is going on rly#im mostly stressed out and filled with dread at home knowing i have work that day or the next day#and somewhat better after i arrive at work??#idk. but also ive lost weight and am losing hair lol and its def stress induced cause my blood test results are perfect#i have a psych appointment in a week where i could ask to get sent on a sick leave and its soon now so#im starting to feel a lot of guilt and shame around this idea#but like. cant handle this anymore#and my boss is awful my work schedule is so bad i cant have hobbies or meet friends its just bad bad bad
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turns out i turned the assignment i was stressing over into something a lot more complicated in my head & its actually really simple
#somehow mistook my far too ambitious plans as the actual assignment#:(#this is really good though bc i thought id be at this all day but if all goes well i could be done in like 2 hours#:)))#which is good bc i have 2 tests tomorrow and an assignment#none of which were put on the online platform we use#which means that i forgot#and another test i have to redo at some point#but i dont know when#aaaghhh why is there so much work always#oh and i need to work on my final project too#the current step is due by the end of next week & its a lot of work#i have to find a bunch of relevant sources#and then paste or type all relevant parts of them in a document#and also provide a defence as to why the sources i picked are trustworthy#and i have to do this for a bunch of them#i have to defend them all individually too#if it was just a text on how i judged the trustworthyness that would be fine#but this is a lot#and im also trying to prepare for the exams already#mine#im so so sick of school#i want some free time to watch a film#!!#its been at least 2 weeks since i had the time#ugh#are they trying to drive us all to burn out or something??
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i miss it so much yall. idek know what i'd eat at this point bc its been like 6 years.
i really want a donut, a nice sandwich that sticks to the roof of your mouth, a bagel, a vegan hot pocket with store bought ham, dumplings and noodles, eggrolls, some fucking BURGER BUNS!!! a good pizza or vegan pizza roll. oh my god and scissor noodles???? i haven't had scissor noodles in so long </3
im not officially diagnosed but almost every time I've been exposed I've had symptoms. it was also slightly coincidental. ... so now that my digestive track is kinda chilled out i want to poke it and see how it reacts.
i just wanna know for sure, yk? im hating gluten free food lately and im missing eating everything.
like bro i literally just want a donut and some fried dough so fucking bad!!!!
#i feel like this is better than actually eating it for 6 weeks to get the biopsy bc if i do have symptoms... i'll already know#polls#celiac#and even if i did the test i could still show up negative bc i just have gluten intolerance or some shit#i wanna know for myself not for the government
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Hi Uncle Neen! HYH! It sucks to see you struggling cuz you are a big inspiration of mine :( but you said you did your makeup the other day. Can we seeeeeeeeee maybe?
d'awwww ksahdlkdss, you are so sweet, nonnie! thank you so so soooo much, baby! xx i really needed this. i hope i heal ( i will...i have to, i am too much of an asshole to let god win, fuck him ) and i hope you heal from whatever harms you as well! you can do it! mWAH!~
-- also brb crying ;-; <3333 whenever y'all tell me i inspire you, it seriously makes me want to cry; you mean SO much to me, so to mean so much to you; it's Everything to me, my love. thank you for believing in me, know i believe infinitely in YOU and will keep fighting the good fight, living authentically and modelling pos behavior on this blog bc i take being a role model very seriously. :')
BUT ANYWAYS! sakhdlasd oh my god aaAaaAAAaa please!!! YOU ARE SO CUTE, THIS IS SO CUTE OF YOU, hELP AAAAA!!!!!! but yes, of course, of course. considering i am super bacteria nina right now and had to resign from my ( admittedly ) trash job and am no longer, at this moment, an education girlie ( besides on here, ofc, educating you on my two gay sons in love ), i can freely exist and post pictures of myself again! thank you for for giving me a safe place to do that. <3
i'll elaborate on what 'safe' means to me down below, but just for context i took this...sigh...last week, when i was told i would 'all better', just trying to feel like myself again after a month of being unmadeup and unfitted and ugly and troll-like and on death fucking row and fucking miserable as hell, i had my new hair appointment lined up, was about ready to take life by the balls again...and that shit BLUE BALLED ME SO HARD AND SAID *ravenstan vc* JK, BABY!
okay, sorry i have some really bad scarring and wounding up there by my neck so i had to cover her up but...there she is! the she beast!
as for posting pictures of myself just...please...PLEASE BE KIND. and i wish i meant that as a joke, i mean it very, VERY seriously. i am at a point right now, where i look my very fucking worst, i am weaker than i have ever been in my life, there are abrasions all over my body, which per the results of my culture ( i was right...several fucking times and no one would listen to me ) my body is trying to kill me and right now...it is Winning. ( i'm not gonna lose tho, dw, i am a nasty bitch from hell and i refuse to die this ugly, i fucking won't; choke )
tldr; I AM VERY VERY VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT HOW I LOOK. I DO NOT FEEL PRETTY, I AM LIKE ONE BAD COMMENT AWAY FROM TEARING THE SKIN OFF MY FACE AND I AM TELLING YOU GUYS I CANNOT DO THAT, I CANT CREATE ANY TEARING ON MY BODY OR THE BACTERIA WILL TUNNEL AND ITS HARD ENOUGH AS A BITCH WITH DERMATILOMANIA.
PLEASE BE NICE TO ME.
i know we shoot the shit on here and are funny and clown eachother, you guys are my family; it's what families do, but my boundary is that you can say i am pretty and be objectively kind or Please do not send me anything At ALL about how i look; i CANNOT take it rn. i know were just joking, but please, please, PLEASE Do NOT compare me to any ugly creatures, make me feel weird about any part of my face, tell me i look blurry, say anything is too big or too small…
please don’t meme on me abt my appearance...Ever.
it’s a very sensitive spot for me and makes me v anxious.
all this to say, i love you; thank you for being my home.
HYH.
-uncle nina, single ravesey mother and human petri dish
#idk what the face tag is ill make one later#but there she is#this is so sweet thank you guys for caring i swear i want to post more i am just so weak rn that its hard to keep my head up#ill talk about it more later but the test results were kinda hard for me bc they were scary and it is pretty serious#and very fucked up bc they could have caught it at er number one but they didnt catch it until my fifth drs appointment#and i had to beg...and lo and behold i am very fucking sick now and everything sucks but i am gonna beat it don't worry#anyways sorry for momming you guys i miss my kindergarteners i didnt get to say goodbye i am devastated#but i am actually very sensitive about how i look and do think i am ugly most days especially rn so please be kind to me#i only say this because i had a couple of anons who had good intentions send me anons joking with me about how i look#and it put me in such a bad depression that i like couldnt look at my face for days and it devastated me i am very sensitive#so please only kind words like objectively positively kind please don't make jokes about how i look or try to be funny#not in a good place for it but sigh...my hair...it is falling out rn so that sucks i'm out of comission for a week and a half#up to a month...assuming i get better...I WILL DW SORRY I WILL and i have stuff i'm working on right now#ask memes and i am trying to write so hang in there i love u#HYH <3
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does anyone know if we have to roll that rock up the hill again tomorrow
#so to recap what we all know if we're following the Angela is Sickly series#i can't eat tree nuts. i can't eat trail mix that has come in contact with tree nuts. i am uneasy about eating anything that has been in a#facility with tree nuts because i have had allergic reactions just as severe from cross-contamination as i have had from straight up#eating walnuts. the one exception to this rule is pistachios because i have yet to have an issue with them#i don't eat pecans anymore because i had a reaction. almonds are on thin ice i don't really eat them#also. also i dislike nuts. it's not a hard rule but i don't like them at all. i am not a picky eater they just happen to be one of the#foods i dislike they're a bad texture and they taste like wood. except for the beautiful pistachio#and then we have the alpha gal allergy so. it's not Nearly as severe in terms of life-threatening anaphylaptic response but#the trade-off is a week-long world ending stomachache. which is extremely not fun and also could at any point randomly turn into#a more severe allergy so i. sort of don't fuck with it. there are exceptions that i regret every time because ouch. no red meat.#similarly. we respond not too great to dairy. can't have a lot. can't be fixed by lactaid pills or anything because it's not lactose#intolerance it's an allergy. so. no tree nuts except pistachios. no red meat. light dairy. i am twenty pounds underweight.#my doctor told me to keep red meat in my diet if i couldn't maintain my weight and uh. Bad News i can't maintain weight but also it's a#massive trigger so what the fuck do i do here. to be allergic to some of the most caloric and fatty foods out there#tried to start up boosts and i will continue doing so but im getting stomachaches from them too. like the fuck do u do#im eating eggs and avocado and olive oil and peanut butter etc and im still losing weight. i don't ever have an appetite#gets to a point where im like Well we might end up in a fucking hospital because i keep losing weight and idk why#tests aren't showing anything other than alpha gal and minor inflammation we don't have a reason for#tomorrow i will fucking have egg and avocado and olive oil and butter and a boost and an antispasmodic and water and#i will get a stomachache again and be tired again. Onward!#i would feel so much better if i could gain weight and i can't. what do. im so tired all the time <3 15.8bmi <3
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Ah, got it, so every factor imaginable is against the idea of me watching Dragons Rising at ALL during the school day, huh?
#LETS SEE#drops in Oceania first. their midnight is like 8 am est so ill still be in math#right after math I DO have a free period HOWEVER#I doubt that after only 16 minutes the eps will be ready to watch without a vpn#which i do not have#AND also to note is that uhm. theres a chance the eps could drop on thrusday like normal and not a day early bc of#Oceania#EXCEPPPPPPPT#I have yet ANOTHER form of state testing to 'measure growth' or whatever#despite having a very similar kind just a few weeks ago#literally why r they even separate what the fuck#asnywayas im havinf a bad tiemmmm#ninjago#ninjago dragons rising
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sometimes I think about how when I went to college for a year before I dropped out (basically failed out,) the counselors/dean told me they can't help me at all or give any accommodations unless I have an official autism/adhd diagnosis. that might sound logical at first, but when you think about it more, it's actually quite fucked up. if someone is struggling really bad, what's the harm in helping them? why do they require a paper to get even the smallest amount of help? people who don't need help aren't going to be failing miserably without help! even NTs could benefit from some adjustments to the horrible school system! (but changing the entire system is a whole other conversation that the school system isnt ready for)
but even if you do agree to jump through their hoops, you realize it's even more fucked up that the diagnosis process requires YEARS in most cases (in my case it took 4 or 5 years, can't recall exactly now, for autism/adhd diagnosis, which would have meant i finished school before getting it if i managed to mot fail out, or i wait that long before going back, which is a whole struggle itself) and they also tried billing me for THOUSANDS of dollars because of insurance issues!!
so you put a ton of time and money into this, and then get told the only accommodation they are willing to give you for autism and adhd is "a little extra time on tests"
....
my test scores were the best part of my whole class experience. that was NOT what I struggled with!!!!! those tests were all online and could be done in the comfort of your home where you can accommodate yourself and have plenty of time left over when you finish them because you are comfy in your own space, (and also, no one was stopping you from having your notes/books/google open to find the answers,) and you don't even need a time consuming, expensive diagnosis for that!
SO WHAT'S THE POINT!!!!!!!
#mind you this was over 10 years ago now. it *could* have gotten better but id be extremely shocked if it has#autistic#autism#actually autistic#adhd#neurodivergent#audhd#school#school problems#yes i know theres rules or maybe even laws for this and its why they are like this but its bad and should change#if they offered smaller classes with less sensory overloading bullshit and other things i needed it would be great!#but they refuse to accommodate your actual needs and make up useless accommodations to legally say they help disabilities#ND people (not just audhd) and other disabled people that graduate with no useful accommodations are so strong and cool. proud of you!#ones who had to drop you youre also cool for not dealing with their bullshit snd allowing yourself to not suffer for a sheet of paper!#(though i know it can feel bad when everyone around you makes you feel bad for needed to drop out or failing out and not going back)#i completely stopped going to my psychology class because i started a week late due to scheduling issues and#suddenly we are told theres a paper due in 3 days and need to hse the textbook i didnt have yet as the source for it all#and it was in the syllabus i didnt get because i was a week late and didnt know we got one. the professor didnt notice me out of#the 100 other students in that large lecture hall. that room was also a sensory nightmare hellscape#too many students made things noisy and distracting. multiple fluorescent lights were flickering constantly and never fixed#the professor used a mic to speak to us and it had a constant horrible loud buzzing. it did that loud mic screech noise randomly#without warning. all the time. the quality of the sound was horrible so it was hard to understand her. on top of that she had a very thick#accent i wasnt familiar with so that on top of the horrible buzzing mkc quality that also cut her out constantly was auditory processing#disorder HELL. I dont know how ANYONE survived thst class but i seemed to be the only one struggling. everyone else turned in their papers#and i gave up and stopped going. was too late to drop the class to get my money back so i wasted probably a few thousand dollars#and THATS what i mean by give me reasonable and useful accommodation. test time would NOT make that class better at all#fix the mic and light issues at least or give me a smaller class with more attentive professor or something!#offer smaller classes for struggling disabled people! if the issue is not knowing who needs them then offer a switch to those struggling!#i got called onto a dean/counselor meeting because a professor noticed my horrible grades and stuff so its possible to catch us and help!#THESE SCHOOLS JUST NEED TO START BEING WILLING TO. dont make us do all the work to accommodate ourselves and expect to do well in school!
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my five surviving braincells when something remotely good happens:
#in other news… wORK IS OVER PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#man. i’m s o tired. i can’t believe i survived almost 2 whole years at this job…#huh. come to think of it… i started tling idol sengen before i even got this job lol. and i’m only 3/5 of the way through it…#can’t believe the idol sengen grind->hiatus->grind(?) outlives my time at [withheld] company…#i did end up spending a cool 20 mins cleaning out my work locker though. i found so many treasures i didn’t even know i had in there#like. there was an unopened 3-pack of wet tissues a n d an unopened box of pens that i don’t recall buying#and ofc the 3 random sponges i ‘liberated’ from the lab. don’t tell my boss lmao#w a i t now that i think about it i should’ve taken at least 1 vial of (allegedly) carcinogenic sand for the memories. dammit.#oh well. what’s done is done i suppose. i did receive way more chocolate than i could ever eat though…#y. yeah. i guess i’ll miss my coworkers (a little). they were fun to annoy every day. except for the new guy bc i don’t like him at all lol#i have never met someone who lacked as much common sense as he. i think he’s gonna get canned before he’s able to resign on his own terms#dude could be spoonfed through every single step of the testing process and *still* mess up somewhere smh#but no. this isn’t about him. even though he is the final straw that led to my decision to resign#hm. looking back on it now. i think i was pretty good at my job for the most part when it came to the things i could do#or maybe i was too good at it. like. to the point where even more experienced analysts were coming to me in search of help#prolly gonna miss being one of the very best (out of like a grand total of 10 people at the lab) at doing ftir-related tests#ehehehehehehe i wonder if that workstation will continue to stay as organised as it is now that i’m gone#a n d i wonder what my coworkers will do now that they can’t ask me for ms excel help for the smallest of things lol#sometimes i just wanna tell them to g o g o o g l e i t ! ! ! when they call me over for it. but alas.#can’t believe these guys know how to use c h a t g p t and not ms excel (despite having it on their resume) smh#omg wow this got long and incoherent sorry guys i think i need some sleep lol. idol sengen next week..#…maybe…? no promises though!!!!!
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#god if i could go 5 seconds without being severely stressed that would be great#it’s so exhausting i can’t fucking do this#i can’t do anything i can’t draw play videogames read write or even post my shitty hc posts#i just can’t because i’m so unbelievably scared#it’s been like this for the past few weeks and i just can’t anymore i feel like i’m falling apart with this new diet#the gallstone. diabetes fears that are returning because they were testing blood sugar and not my a1c#you have to pay for that here. i have to do that i guess#literally sitting here crying and screaming for hours while mindlessly watching anything on youtube in between#i don’t take anything in really i just can’t be alone with my thoughts#cuz then i’d start freaking out even harder again#i just feel like i’m one second away from death at all times#romeo’s wretched rambles
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GOOD MORNING it is 9:24 and I've just achieved sitting up in bed
#we could view this as oh wow kaylie is being super lazy and wasting her day off#OR#we could view this as kaylie's had to get up and leave the house earlier than preferable every day for the last uhhh#3 weeks. it's 3 weeks#as in every SINGLE day for the last three weeks i've had either to get up and go to work or get up to be with people who need my presence#or get up to do car-related errands#i know some of you live like this all the time and to that i say: my condolences#i will be enjoying my one rest day (got another work training to lead tomorrow morning!!!!!)#oh also those 3 weeks included 6 nights not in my own bed#and driving 6 different cars (mine my roommate's (no AC) first very smoky rental car second slightly less smoky rental car#one test drive car and my actual car)
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#i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that i've had in my calendar for 2 months (almost 3)#and because i'm me i have been thinking and stressing about it for those 2 months (almost 3)#tomorrow is supposed to be over and i'll finally relax (for a bit cause i'll probably have to do blood work etc etc)#and now my mom put into my head that maybe (we don't know she's not sure) MAYBE the doc will have to like check me#and so i will have to remove clothing which i was so not prepeared for and i'm not sure what my reaction will be on the day#because that makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable... and like i get it you're going to the doctor it could happen but also?#i need to at least imagine it for a week i can't be told this THE DAY BEFORE#now i'm freaking the fuck out#and up until today my major anxiety was ''am i gonna ask the doc about starting t? or should i wait until she does the tests i need done#in case she turns out to be very transphobic and i have to drop her?''#like that was my biggest worry now i have like a million more#i hate this i hate my brain and i hate that i can't have ONE THING i need to do IN THE YEAR without going into panic mode for 3mths straigh#my brain is so fucking useless#angel talks#personal
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Covid, foot cut open, seed stuck in tooth, unwell cat, I think oncoming ear infection if the pain in my right ear is anything to go by and all of this in only the first week of 2024. Who's doing it like me? 💪
#we're speed running shit things that could happen#well the good news is tigs has an appointment 8am tomorrow#i cant take him obv my covid tests are still coviding and i actually and genuinely would feel horrible if i gave this to anyone else#but my brothers going to take him before work and he has to stat theor the day but hopefully they can say whats wrong#and hopefully whats wrong isnt anything too bad#sorry for being so negative on your dashes but also like. its not by choice lmao#i was gonna go to sydney this week n everything. oh well just have to wait#and i need to send stuff and get stuff but again. Cant do anything about that now so might as well not dwell on it
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