#i chose this path i have no one to blame but myself

[garaviel]

Being a legends mando fan and a legends mando critic at the same time feels like holding my hand in the garbage disposal for funsies

[yinses]

amaretto mirage

pairing: [modern]gn! reader x hantengu clones (sekido, karaku, aizetsu, urogi) wc: 10k+ rating: mature (for this part) a/n: the PLAN is two, maybe three parts. then possibly some accompanying drabbles if i haven't burned myself out

[also available to read on ao3] synopsis: you, a simple student, finds yourself caught in a sensual game between a quadruplet of brothers, leading you down a path of self-discovery and forbidden desires.

"oh, aizetsu, wait for me please," you call out as you hurry to catch up to your friend. the sun beats down relentlessly, casting harsh shadows across the pavement, and the air is thick with the scent of exhaust and the sound of honking cars. you can feel beads of sweat trickling down your back, and the weight of your backpack seems to increase with every step.

as you draw closer to aizetsu, you take a moment to study him. his tall, lean frame is relaxed and unhurried, and his sky-blue eyes twinkle with a serene kind of patience that you find both calming and exhilarating. you can't help but wonder how he manages to maintain such an air of composure in the midst of the chaos that surrounds you.

with a sigh, you turn your attention back to your own worries. the never-welcomed midterm finals loom ahead, and you feel a familiar sense of panic rising within you. despite being in your fourth and final year, you still feel woefully unprepared. your scattered notes are a testament to your haphazard studying habits, and you know you'll pay for it later with a headache.

as you walk alongside aizetsu, you reflect on the years of hard work and dedication that have brought you to this point. you've managed to maintain decent enough grades, but deep down, you know that the credit isn't fully yours. in recent months, you owed a large portion to the man beside you.

you first met aizetsu during your sophomore year, but looking back on your freshman year, you couldn't recall his face as easily. his presence had been shrouded by what you knew of his brother, urogi, the school's star basketball player.

it wasn't until someone mentioned the relation between the two that aizetsu finally showed up on your radar. but that's really where the likeness ended. it was true that physically they shared the same complexion and hair, but their eyes and personalities couldn't be more different.

you remember marveling at the biological mystery of how one brother could have eyes that mimicked the sun while the other had a pair that mirrored the ocean. it made mountains more sense than the floating superstitions of demonic energy that your classmates liked to loft around. and apparently, aizetsu had two other brothers who also had differing eye colors. they were all quadruplets.

so yeah, given that anomaly, you were okay with blaming biology. but what you knew of urogi was that he was boisterous and confident, a fitting temperament to balance out his presence on the court. aizetsu, on the other hand, was best described as the opposite, which would be quite fitting if they were only twins. he was not rude per se, but decidedly introverted, keeping to himself and maintaining a low tone. most noticeably, where urogi was always boasting a bright smile, aizetsu was more solemn.

"sorry, you said you didn't have anything planned after this, right? i won't hold you up, but i wanted to get you something for your help," you say, breaking the comfortable silence.

aizetsu's face remained inscrutable, his blue eyes calculating as he spoke. "we share similar classes. it is an equal exchange."

your heart fluttered in your chest at the sound of his voice. he was always so patient with you, despite the vast gap in your intellect. aizetsu was undoubtedly a genius, while you had to work tirelessly to keep up with the coursework. you knew he could manage on his own, but he chose to help you anyway.

gratitude and admiration swelled within you, only further cementing your desire to show him your appreciation. you weren't sure why he chose to befriend you, but you treasured his company nonetheless.

"it's nothing big," you said, attempting to downplay your intentions. your meager budget didn't afford much extravagance. "we can go to the cafe on campus. we don't have to sit down or anything. just grab something on the way."

your heart raced as you offered, hoping that he wouldn't see through your poorly veiled attempt to treat him. you couldn't help but feel nervous at the prospect of him rejecting your gesture or worse yet, interpreting it as something more than just gratitude.

aizetsu's gaze bore into you, and you held your breath in anticipation.

"alright, if you insist," he finally acquiesced.

relief washed over you as you smiled gratefully, thanking him for accepting your offer. you couldn't help but feel a flutter of excitement in your chest at the thought of spending more time with him. but you pushed those feelings aside, not wanting to ruin the delicate balance of your friendship

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

as aizetsu made the decision to sit down and order rather than grab and go, you felt a wave of nervous energy course through your body. you tried to remain composed, reminding yourself that this wasn't a date but merely a gesture of gratitude. you were pleasantly surprised that he had even agreed to come in the first place.

despite having known each other for months, you still struggled to describe your relationship with aizetsu. you were more than acquaintances, but not quite friends. your interactions were confined to the classroom and the library, but the countless hours spent studying together had brought you closer than you thought possible.

as you sat across from aizetsu, you couldn't help but fidget in your seat. the atmosphere was charged with a sense of anticipation, as if this small outing held more significance than either of you let on. you desperately hoped that this would be a step towards building a stronger friendship, one that could survive beyond graduation.

the cafe was cozy, with warm yellow lighting casting a soft glow over the wooden tables and chairs. the faint aroma of fresh coffee and baked goods wafted through the air, mingling with the chatter of other patrons. you couldn't help but feel a sense of comfort in this space, as if it were a sanctuary away from the stresses of academia.

as aizetsu ordered his drink, his eyes flicked over to you briefly before returning to the menu. you felt a flutter in your chest at the brief moment of eye contact, wondering if he was feeling the same sense of anticipation as you were.

as aizetsu's attention snaps back to you, you catch a glimpse of a camera flash and the click of a shutter from the corner of your eye. you shake your head, dismissing it as a trick of the light or your imagination. you turn your focus back to the conversation, discussing your tentative plans for the final semester and how you hope to broaden your knowledge in your major. aizetsu listens attentively, nodding and interjecting his own insights with ease.

suddenly, the serene ambiance of the cafe is shattered as a new figure emerges. when you look up, you find another version of aizetsu standing over the table. without even meeting him, you know this must be urogi, aizetsu's brother. his boisterous presence immediately fills the room, causing heads to turn and eyes to follow him. his eyes lock onto you, roving over you with unabashed interest before he snorts and pulls out a chair, sitting down uninvited.

aizetsu's brow furrows,"now is not the time, urogi. go away."

urogi simply crosses his arms, grinning as he refuses to budge. "nah, this is too good," he retorts, his eyes sparkling with mischief. the air around you suddenly becomes charged with a mix of curiosity and tension.

suddenly there is another click and flash, but this time much closer as urogi snaps a photo of your face. as the flash of the camera dies down, you can feel the heat rising to your cheeks. you wonder if urogi's laughter is directed towards you, or if he's simply amused by his own antics. you force a smile, trying to play it cool, but it's clear that he's rattled you.

he sees your expression and laughs, “don’t worry, i’m not doing anything weird with it. just sending it to my brothers. it's not often little aizetsu goes out on a date.”

aizetsu's reply is sharp,"urogi that's rude. you can't just do what you want like that." the other brother only shrugs and by the time he sets down his phone the damage is done.

the atmosphere of the cafe suddenly feels oppressive, as if the walls are closing in on you. you're acutely aware of the other customers, their eyes darting towards your table before quickly averting their gaze. the low hum of conversation seems to have evaporated, leaving only the sound of your own heartbeat pounding in your ears.

despite your discomfort, you can't help but also feel sorry for aizetsu. you never expect and act of gratitude would draw this much attention.

“it’s not a date, i just wanted to thank him for his help this semester."

urogi seems disinterested in your explanation as he taps against his phone. “yeah, aizetsu isn’t going to let just anyone sit him down for a meal.” he says it so absently but with a tone of finality that furrows your brow. 

you don't want aizetsu to get the wrong idea, or for anyone else to think that you're trying to pursue something more than friendship. but urogi seems uninterested in your explanation, preoccupied with his phone.

the firmnesss in his tone when he speaks of aizetsu only makes you more curious about the reserved genius. as the tension thickens between the brothers, you feel like an outsider looking in.

the atmosphere in the cafe shifts, the ambient noise fading into the background as the two siblings stare each other down. aizetsu's eyes are narrowed with determination, and you can sense that he's not going to back down. his brother, on the other hand, looks almost amused as he crosses his arms over his chest, tapping his foot impatiently.

you can feel the weight of the moment pressing down on you, unsure of how to proceed. you glance between the two of them, searching for a way to ease the tension. aizetsu's voice breaks the silence, clear and firm. "they're not a crush, urogi. they're a friend. this was meant to be a treat for our study efforts, and you're ruining it."

urogi's eyebrows shoot up in surprise, his grin faltering slightly. "oh? just a friend?" he says, sounding almost disappointed. "well, that's a shame. i was hoping for some juicy gossip to share with the team."

you can feel a blush creeping up your cheeks at the implication, and you wonder how aizetsu is taking all of this. he seems unperturbed, however, his expression remaining resolute. "you're not getting anything, urogi. ."

there's a moment of tense silence before urogi finally relents, settling back into his chair with a sigh. "fine, fine. i'll behave. but you owe me one, little brother."

the tension in the air begins to dissipate, and you let out a breath you didn't even realize you were holding. the cafe noise returns to the foreground, and you take a sip of your drink to calm your nerves. you can't help but wonder how many other hidden tensions are lurking beneath the surface of aizetsu's life.

as the silence drags on, you begin to feel restless. you shift in your seat, trying to find a way to diffuse the tension. your eyes dart back and forth between the two brothers, unsure of what to say. finally, you clear your throat, hoping to break the stalemate.

"aizetsu doesn't get the chance to talk about his family often. i distract him too much with my countless questions on material," you say, hoping to shift the conversation to a more positive note. 

your laugh however, cuts off uneasily as those golden eyes settle on you. a tug of something you cant describe pulls at his lips,”a distraction, i’m sure.” he studies you a moment longer, before reaching for the discarded menu. “well, let’s hear all about the person who has kept our brother occupied.”

aizetsu's focused gaze doesn't leave his brother, but you can sense the odd taste at the mention of his family. despite spending countless hours studying with him, you know little about his personal life. you wonder what secrets he keeps hidden behind those deep, contemplative eyes.

your attempt at lightening the mood with a joke falls flat, and you can feel the weight of the awkward silence settle over the table. your gaze falls to the table, the scratched surface now a blur beneath your fingertips as you twist them together nervously.

aizetsu's sudden attention startles you, and you raise your head to meet his gaze. the way his lips tug at the corners sends an unfamiliar jolt of something through you, but you can't put a name to it. his intense stare feels like a physical touch, sending shivers down your spine.

as he picks up his cup, you realize you've been staring too long. quickly, you avert your gaze, taking refuge in your own drink as if it can provide a shield from his penetrating gaze. aizetsu's calm tone breaks the silence, drawing your attention back to the conversation.

“given you don’t take your studies seriously, i’m not left with many options, urogi.”

urogi hums,”true. but that’s never stopped you before.”

your mind races to come up with a suitable response, but you find yourself at a loss for words. you clear your throat, hoping to regain some composure. "well, there's not much to tell. we're just friends, after all." the words sound weak even to your own ears, but they're the only ones that come to mind.

urogi snorts, leaning back in his chair. "just friends, huh? you're blushing like a bride, you know." his words are teasing, but you can feel the heat rising to your cheeks. 

the intended outing for two has evolved into something you're not entirely sure how to describe. eventually, your waiter returns to take urogi’s order, not hiding their surprise well. but urogi is more attentive to you as he quizzes you on your hometown, studies, and interests.

"so, where are you from originally?" urogi asks, leaning forward in his seat.

"i'm from a small town south of here," you reply, feeling a little uneasy under his intense gaze.

"a small town, huh? what made you want to come to this big city for school?"

"i wanted to experience something new and different," you say with a shrug.

"i can respect that," urogi says with a nod. "what's your major?"

you share without pause. 

"sounds cool. what kind of career are you hoping to have with that degree?" urogi asks, leaning back in his seat.

"i'm not really sure yet. i'm still exploring my options," you say with a smile.

meanwhile, aizetsu watches the two of you with a furrowed brow, clearly not thrilled with his brother's line of questioning. finally, he speaks up.

"urogi, can you stop talking so much for once? we came here to relax," he says pointedly.

urogi rolls his eyes but acquiesces. "fine, fine. but i have to ask. how about basketball? you're a big fan of the games right?"

aizetsu signs, but you can feel the mood finally settling to a comfortable point that you can lean into. 

and so the conversation shifts to a more neutral topic, and you're able to relax a bit and enjoy your coffee that has run lukewarm now. but in the back of your mind, you can't help but wonder what urogi's true intentions are and why he's so interested in you.

as the bizzare occassion winds down, you can't help but feel a sense of surreality as the situation has evolved into something you never imagined. you would have never expected approaching the kid in the back of the lecture room would lead to this.  

“i should get going, my shift starts soon.”

urogi whistles,” a worker and a student. busy, busy.”

as you reach for the check, your hand is halted by urogi's quick reflexes. he snatches it away with a playful grin, teasing his brother, "aizetsu, making our them pay? that's not very hospitable of you."

aizetsu simply shrugs, his expression unreadable. "i didn't want to insist and make them feel uncomfortable. they wanted to treat me, after all."

urogi's playful demeanor dissipates, and he studies his brother for a moment before suddenly slamming his own card on the table. "consider it my treat, then. you can owe me one, aizetsu."

the gesture catches you off guard, and you feel a flush rise to your cheeks. you're not used to this kind of generosity, and it makes you feel both grateful and uneasy at the same time. 

as the waiter takes the bill and disappears, you let out a small sigh of relief. the cafe, though delicious, has been a rollercoaster of emotions. urogi, the more talkative of the two, had bombarded you with questions, leaving you feeling dizzy and unsteady. aizetsu, on the other hand, had remained quiet for the most part, his blue eyes observing your every move.

as urogi scribbles a generous tip onto the bill and rises to his feet, you can't help but feel a little relieved that the intense scrutiny is over. he chats easily as he turns to his brother, his voice ringing with a certain cheerfulness that makes you wonder what kind of relationship they have.

"it was nice to meet you. i'm sure we'll be seeing each other again." urogi waves his phone in the air, the light catching the screen and casting a blue glow across his face. "sekido wants to see us. i staved him off for long enough, but we both don't want him calling."

his gaze flickers briefly to his brother, before settling back onto you. "sekido is technically the 'oldest'. a bit rougher than the rest, but," he pauses, his lips tugging up into a small smile. "i'm sure you'll get along just fine."

urogi throws an arm over aizetsu's shoulder, guiding him away as they make their exit. you watch them go, feeling more confused than when you first walked into the restaurant. what kind of family were they, to be so open and yet so guarded? you shake your head, trying to clear your thoughts, as you gather your belongings and head out.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

as the day waned, you hurriedly packed your bag and left campus feeling the piercing gaze of the curious onlookers behind you. the sky outside was a blend of oranges and pinks, the sun bidding a warm farewell to the day. you knew you had only a short window of time to change and make it to your night shift at the corner convenience store in your neighborhood.

at night, the store was a hub of activity, bustling with customers seeking to grab a quick snack or last-minute essentials. it was a simple job, but one that kept you afloat, paying your bills and rent. the store was always expecting customers, but not always with the most pleasant of crowds. the sound of shattering glass echoed through the aisles, causing you to wince from the front.

“oi, you’ll be paying for that, dumbass. i told you to watch where you’re going,” growled a gruff voice.

“i ain’t paying for shit,” retorted another voice, filled with equal parts anger and defiance.

you listened nervously as the argument escalated, hoping it would end before you became an issue beyond simple damages. as the two men continued to bicker, you couldn't help but wonder how your life became this - a constant struggle to make ends meet, dealing with difficult people and their petty squabbles. the thought made you feel a little weary, but you squared your shoulders and braced yourself.

the job itself wasn't glamorous, but it was a means to an end. you were grateful for the reliable income that helped manage your rent and groceries. the store owner even threw in a decent discount on some of the items, which came in handy during tight months. and being situated so close to home, you didn't have to worry about losing precious time commuting.

eventually, the two men made their way to the front, both jostling to get to the counter first. you waited patiently as they bickered and pointed fingers, each refusing to take responsibility for the shattered case of beer.

“oi, this bastard shattered a case of beer.”

“that wasn't me it was you.”

“as if.”

“well i ain't paying for it,” came the final reply with a sharp glaze your way.

you knew it was only a matter of time before the blame would fall on you, but you had grown accustomed to these petty disputes. with a smile, you offered to take care of it, hoping to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible.

the men, still grumbling but appeased for the moment, took their leave and headed for the door. you breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that they didn't try to engage with you further. you retreated to the backroom to gather the necessary cleaning supplies, mentally preparing yourself for the next unexpected hurdle.

it was an inconvenience, but at least this one made sense.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

the air is thick with the buzz of students rushing to and from their final exams. your own mind is a jumble of information, formulas, and theories that you've tried to cram into your brain in just a few short days. the relief of completing one of the exams is quickly replaced with a sense of exhaustion and the anticipation of the next one. you're stumbling down the hallway when you suddenly collide with someone.

hands steady you, preventing you from falling to the ground, and a familiar voice rings out with laughter.

it's urogi.

you can't help but feel a little surprised to run into him again, especially during such a hectic week. the finals schedule has thrown off your usual routine, making it difficult to anticipate who you might see on campus.

despite the chaos of the week, urogi rather collected. his eyes sparkle mischievously as he greets you, as if he knows something you don't. it's clear that he's not here by coincidence. you wonder if he's been keeping tabs on your schedule, or if he's simply a master of appearing when you least expect it.

you open your mouth to apologize for the collision, but urogi beats you to it. "well, well, well. look who it is! i thought i recognized your backside from a mile away," he jokes, playfully teasing you. 

you take a moment to look around and notice that the hallway is filled with students bustling to and fro. the fluorescent lights overhead cast an unnatural glow on everything. the air is heavy with the scent of stale coffee and sweat, a testament to the long hours spent cramming for exams.

in the midst of the chaos, urogi stands out like a beacon of calm. his hair is windswept and his clothing is slightly disheveled, but it only adds to his charm. his eyes dance as he talks, and you find yourself drawn into his infectious energy.

"finished with your exams?" he asks, his curiosity palpable. your last exam of today was one of the later ones, but fortunately, you've managed to escape the night classes this year. you don't know if you could survive that again. still unsure why urogi is talking to you, you respond politely. "yes, one more tomorrow, and i'm done."

urogi nods along. "right, right." as bodies move around you both, you can't help but notice the stares and whispers floating around. this is not the kind of additional stress you needed. you're already exhausted from studying and taking exams, and now you have to deal with gossip and speculation?

"well, i should get going. good luck with the rest of the week." urogi's gaze widens at your abruptness, and he reaches out to stop you. "hold on, i actually came to ask you something."

you can feel your heart rate increasing as you turn to face him. what could he possibly want?

“the thing is,” urogi begins, his voice low and conspiratorial. “i'm hosting an end of semester party tomorrow night. it'll be a chance for everyone to unwind and forget about their worries. you should come.”

you immediately go to decline, you barely know urogi but you know of the crowd he attracts. that definitely would not be your scene trapped in a house with all of them. “thanks for the offer but—”

urogi cuts you off, “it’d be really great if you came. aizetsu needs the break too and he’s more inclined to come if you do. “

he seems to sense your hesitation and reaches out to squeeze your shoulder. it's a show of camaraderie that surprises you. you didn't realize the two of you shared that kind of relationship.

“you still owe aizetsu a treat, right? you can use this as one,” he says with a wink.

you frown at his words, feeling as though you're being manipulated. you cant help but frown at that, “that feels more like a treat from you. which would make it twice youve done that.”

urogi shrugs as he pulls away,” really? i dont see it that way.” he waves of his shoulder as he departs, not giving you room to argue.

“catch up with aizetsu and coordinate. see you tomorrow,” he calls over his shoulder.

as you watch him disappear into the crowd, you're left wondering how quickly this semester has changed.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

the final exam had come to a close and the air in the classroom was charged with a palpable sense of relief and accomplishment. as the instructor wrapped up the semester with final words of praise and congratulations, you couldn't help but feel your spirits lift with each passing moment.

you were finally done.

as the rest of the class began to shuffle out of the door, your eyes drifted to aizetsu. despite trying not to think much of it, urogi's offer returned ahain. now, without the excuse of exams, it was harder to bat away.

making up your mind, you rushed to catch up with aizetsu as he made his way out of the classroom.

"aizetsu, hey!" you call out, your heart racing as you catch up to him. he turns at the sound of your voice, and you feel a jolt of something electric as his cool blue eyes meet yours. 

"did you feel confident about that? you should, after all the effort i put into quizzing you," aizetsu says, his voice low and smooth. you shake your head, trying to refocus your scattered thoughts.

"yeah, actually. thank you. i used your revision guide last night too." you reply, feeling grateful for his help during the exam preparation.

aizetsu nods. "good, you've earned the break." you notice something lighter in his posture today, something more friendly. "do you have work tonight?" he asks.

his question reminds you that you have something else to ask him. "no, actually, i wanted to see if you were planning to go to urogi's party."you say, your voice laced with a touch of hesitation. aizetsu raises an eyebrow, his expression quizzical.

"urogi's party?" he repeats. 

it feels odd to ask, given that they're brothers. but you feel as though you were right in assuming that aizetsu had no interest. as if to mirror your thoughts, he frowns. "no, i never really go. i didn't think it would be something you enjoyed either."

well, it seems you both have a pretty good scope of each other. a gesture that fills you with unexpected warmth. it gives you the courage to push further. "normally no, but i thought it could be fun?" you offer with a shrug. "and i still owe you a treat. let me buy you a drink?"

aizetsu is quiet as he considers you. it's almost as if he sees through you and can imagine the echoed conversation from between his brother and you yesterday. the scrutiny makes you nervous. but just as you go to take back your offer, he sighs with a shrug. "if that's what you want."

"yeah, i think it will be fun," you grin, more t ease with his acceptance.

"alright."

it appears that he wants to say something else but leaves it at that. you watch him go, feeling both relieved and anxious at the same time.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

as the evening draws closer, you can feel your anticipation building up. the last day of exams has left you feeling exhilarated, and you can't wait to let loose a little at urogi's party. but before you head out, you decide to put a little extra effort into your attire. you rummage through your closet, picking out an outfit that is both stylish and comfortable.

as you slip into your clothes, you can't help but wonder why you're putting in so much effort. after all, it's just a party, and you'll be surrounded by a bunch of drunken college students. but a part of you knows that you're doing it for yourself, to feel good and confident. and maybe, just maybe, you're hoping that aizetsu will notice too.

the memory of your conversation with aizetsu earlier in the day lingers in your mind. you can't shake off the feeling that something has changed between you two. the way he looked at you, the way he spoke to you - it all felt different somehow.

as you step off the bus, the bustling city surrounds you like a cloak. you take a deep breath, feeling the energy of the crowd electrify your senses. the sound of car horns and chatter mix together in a chaotic symphony, and the neon lights of the city create a vivid display of color.

but as you walk towards the address, you begin to realize that something is off. this is not the typical college housing area where you expected urogi's party to be held. instead, the street is lined with bars and clubs, their neon signs lighting up the night sky.

as you approach the establishment linked to the address, you notice a line of your classmates snaking along the sidewalk. it seems that urogi has chosen a more unconventional venue for his mid-semester bash. you can hear the muffled thump of the bass from inside the bar, and the scent of alcohol and sweat wafts towards you on the breeze.

for a moment, you hesitate. this is not your usual scene, and you feel out of place. 

as you approach the entrance, you notice a burly man, who must be the bouncer, engaged in a heated discussion with a student and another man who looks vaguely familiar.

the man’s furrowed brow gives him a perpetually annoyed expression, but you can't help but notice the resemblance between him and aizetsu and urogi. it's almost too obvious for you to believe that he's anything other than the third brother.

that leaves one left.

"there should have been a limit on the patrons," the man grumbles as he stares down at the line of students with a look of distain. "my brother knows the capacity and we're well past it."

"but i was invited," the girl protests, but neither even acknowledges her.

"they're welcome to wait until someone leaves, but i won't have regulators at my door over some college students," he says, turning to leave.

you scan the long line of people waiting outside the venue and a sense of disappointment settles over you. it looks like a never-ending queue, and you can't help but think that no one will be leaving the party anytime soon. the ingress and egress would surely be a nightmare for those at the back of the line, which includes you.

despite feeling a bit disheartened, you had made an effort to dress up for the occasion. you don't know why, but you had a feeling that tonight was special. maybe it was because aizetsu was coming, and you wanted to look your best for him. you hope that he will notice your extra effort, but you're not entirely sure if he will.

you pull out your phone to let him know about the situation. 

the least you could do was inform him that you tried. you uncover your phone and send a text

hey, the place is too packed for more entry. i’m going to head home. sorry for convincing you to come :(

his reply comes quicker than you expect.

are you still here?

a few blocks down? about to catch the bus soon.

the text is sent, and you wait for a reply. as you stand at the bus stop, you see the headlights of the approaching transport. but just then, a voice startles you.

“hey, why are you going home? did you not want to come?”

it's aizetsu, and you're surprised to see him standing there. he's dressed more casually than you, in a light shirt and jeans. you quickly explain the situation with the bouncer and the overcrowding.

“but you wanted to come?” he asks, and you can't help but feel a flutter of excitement in your chest.

“i mean, i guess. i got dolled up for it,” you reply, turning a bit to show off your outfit.

aizetsu gives you a quick once-over, and you feel a rush of warmth at the attention.

“then don't let it go to waste. let's go."

you're hesitant at first, but his encouragement pushes you forward. you feel a bit anxious about the overcrowding, but you're also thrilled to be going to the party with aizetsu.

aizetsu's determination to get into the club was unyielding and he led you back under the bright lights illuminating the entrance. despite the short amount of time that had passed, the line had remained steadfast, with the same resolute girl still standing at the front. aizetsu, however, was not deterred as he pulled you to the front of the line. the bouncer regarded you both with a cool stare.

“capacity limit,” he stated firmly.

“they were invited by both myself and urogi. kick someone else out if you want, kyogai, it won't make me sad,” aizetsu replied confidently.

kyogai seemed to consider the proposition for a moment, but ultimately gave in as aizetsu pulled you through the entrance. the waiting students erupted in protest, but their complaints were muffled as the sound of the music inside grew louder.

stepping into the club, you were struck by its beauty. the colors, lights, and sounds all melded together to create an atmosphere unlike any you had experienced before. the room was alive with energy and excitement, and you couldn't help but feel swept up in the moment.

the decor was impeccable, with plush velvet seating and shimmering crystal chandeliers hanging overhead. the bar was lined with a vast array of drinks, and the bartenders were busy mixing and shaking cocktails. the dance floor was a sea of bodies, pulsing with the beat of the music.

“this is beautiful,” you breathed, marveling at the sight before you.

“karaku designed it. he would appreciate the compliment,” aizetsu said and you realized that must be last of his brothers.

indirectly, that meant you were now aware of four of them. your mind raced with questions, but for now, you were content to lose yourself in the magic of the night.

as aizetsu leads you to the bar, you take in the lively atmosphere around you. the music pulsates through your body, vibrating every fiber of your being, and the colorful lights cast playful shadows on the walls. the decor is sleek and modern, with a futuristic vibe that seems to transport you to another dimension. it's a far cry from the usual places you frequent, but you find yourself enjoying the change of pace.

as you lean against the bar, taking in the scene, you feel a sudden tug on your shoulder. urogi stands before you, a wide smile on his face. his presence is commanding, and you can't help but feel drawn to him. his eyes roam over you, and you sense that he's impressed by your appearance.

"where have you been?" he says, his voice tinged with amusement. "fashionably late, i see." urogi dressed for the occasion, comfortable in a nice button up and slacks.

you smile in response, feeling a sense of comfort in his presence. "i wanted to make an entrance," you say playfully. "and i'm glad i did. this place is amazing."

urogi remains close and you can feel the warmth of his body against yours. he turns to the bar and raps his knuckles against the counter, “oi, karaku. you just going to just stand behind the bar oe do work?”

you watch as a handsome man with emerald eyes approaches them, his lips pulled in a tight frown.

it's clear that this man is urogi's brother, and you can see the family resemblance in their sharp features and confident demeanor.

his lips pull in a taut frown as he regards urogi, “i’m meant to manage the staff. since you decided to invite the entire campus.”

karaku's gaze shifts to you and you feel a flutter in your chest. he's just as attractive as his brothers and his eyes seem to penetrate your soul. you can't help but feel a little intimidated by him, but also curious.

“hey, its good business, right?”

“you don't know the first thing about running a business.”

“at least i go to school to learn.”

“And someone how come out dumber.”

“oi—”

as the brothers continue to bicker, you can't help but feel a sense of fascination with this family. they're unlike anyone you've ever met.

as karaku's piercing gaze meets yours again, your heart quickens, and you feel a flush spread across your face. "you're aizetsu's friend," he states matter-of-factly, his voice low and smooth.

you blink, momentarily stunned, before realizing that you've lost sight of aizetsu in the exchange. you glance over your shoulder and see him still leaning against the bar, a picture of nonchalance.

"yeah, that's right," you reply, extending a hand in greeting. to your surprise, karaku accepts the gesture.

"well, what will it be then?" he asks, his tone businesslike.

"oh, i thought you were just managing," you say, trying to keep up with the conversation.

"i am," he replies, his eyes flitting to the busy staff behind the bar. "but since my staff is busy because of him, now i have to step in. your choice?"

you quickly order a simple drink, but karaku frowns at your request. "do you take recommendations?" he asks.

"um, sure," you say, feeling a bit out of your depth.

karaku turns and reaches for a bottle, his hands moving with fluid grace. you watch in awe as he expertly mixes the ingredients, turning a plain liquor into a colorful and vibrant concoction that perfectly matches the atmosphere of the club.

he sets the drink in front of you, and you take a hesitant sip. the taste explodes on your tongue, and you can hardly believe how delicious it is. you take another sip, relishing the complex flavors that dance across your taste buds.

"this is great, thank you," you say, smiling up at karaku.

the corners of his mouth lift in a small grin. "glad you like it."

you fumble for your wallet, but karaku turns away before you can offer to pay. "sorry, i have to go manage my brother's itinerary," he says, his voice fading as he disappears into the crowd.

you feel a hand on your shoulder, and you turn to see urogi at the retreating figure. "hey, you're welcome for the tips, asshole," he says, nudging you playfully.

you laugh, feeling lightheaded from the drink and the atmosphere of the club. it certainly wasn't your typical scene, but you were glad you came.

he gestures to your hand, and you realize that you're still holding your wallet. "you can put that away," he says, "we got you covered. you're a guest."

you feel a twinge of guilt at the thought of being treated, but you realize that it's too late to back out now. aizetsu seems to sense your hesitation, and he steps in to reassure you. "you can get the next one," he says with a smile. "you still owe me a treat, right?"

you nod, feeling grateful for the generosity. it's not often that you get to experience something like this, and you want to make the most of it. you take a deep breath and let the atmosphere of the club wash over you. you can feel your body relaxing, your mind clearing. this is exactly what you needed.

"great," you say, a smile spreading across your face. "now let's really get partying."

in response, urogi grins and you feel yourself being tugged away.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

urogi's hands on your waist felt both warm and secure, guiding you along with the rhythm of the music. the dance floor was alive with movement, bodies swaying and pulsing to the beat. you caught glimpses of colorful lights flashing overhead, illuminating the club in a vibrant glow.

aizetsu was still nearby, but his serene demeanor made it clear he wasn't there to party in the same as the others. when you had tried to get him to join, he waved you off, telling you to have fun. you wondered what was weighing on his mind, but decided to let it be for the night. this was a chance to let loose and have some fun, after all.

urogi's voice broke through your thoughts, drawing your attention back to him. "you know, aizetsu's not one to hang out with anyone. he must think highly of you."

you felt a flutter in your chest at the thought. aizetsu was someone you admired greatly, and to know he valued your company was a special feeling.

urogi continued to lead you in the dance, his movements smooth and practiced. "and karaku doesn't just give out recommendations to anyone either. he's a bit of a stickler for quality."

you laughed at the thought of karaku being a hard-to-please critic. it was clear he took pride in his craft, and his passion showed in the drinks he served.

“that just leaves sekido.” urogi’s grip tights as he pulls you to his front. “but I think your luck will carry you through.”

as the night wore on, you felt yourself letting go of any worries or stresses. the music was loud, the drinks were flowing, and the company was good. you were grateful for this moment of pure enjoyment, surrounded by friends old and new.

as you dance with urogi, you become lost in the rhythm of the music and the swirling colors of the lights. your movements flow effortlessly with his as he pulls you closer, his hands finding the curve of your waist.

you glance over at aizetsu, but he seems lost in his own world, his expression solemn and unreadable as he relaxes by the bar. when he catches your gaze, he raises a drink with an equally raised brow. 

as you try to slip away from urogi's grasp, you find yourself lost in the surreal atmosphere of the party. the thumping bass of the music seems to pulse through your veins as the neon lights cast a hypnotic spell over the crowd. the scent of sweat and perfume mingles in the air, creating a heady aroma that makes you feel intoxicated.

urogi's hold on your wrist is loose, but his chin rests heavily on your shoulder. you feel his warm breath on your neck, and it sends shivers down your spine. you glance over at aizetsu, who seems to be lost in thought as he sips his drink at the bar. you can't help but feel guilty for abandoning him, especially since he came here with you.

you pull against urogi's grip once more, and he reluctantly lets you go.

“you think it matters but it doesn’t. we’re different but we all appreciate the same thing. try not to think so hard about it.”

his words are cryptic, and you can't help but wonder what he meant by 'we'. who was he referring to? the other party-goers? you shake your head, trying to clear your thoughts, but they remain jumbled and confused.

“urogi what—”

“urogi! finally, i’ve been stuck outside this whole time. why didn’t you come get me?”

just then, a whiny voice interrupts your musings. it's the girl from outside, and she seems to have managed to sneak in somehow. urogi greets her with a forced smile, but his grip on your wrist tightens once again. you can feel the tension in his body, and it makes you uneasy.

the girl's eyes flicker over to your joined hands, and you can see the jealousy simmering in her gaze. 

“who is this? didn't they come in with aizetsu?”

you're not sure how much more of this you can take, and you make another attempt to leave. but urogi pulls you even closer, his grip almost suffocating.

"sorry, we need a break," he says, and you can hear the irritation in his voice. you can feel your patience wearing thin as you try to extract yourself from his embrace, but he refuses to let go.

while you definitely agree with the statement, you weren't expecting to be pulled in the opposite direction of the bar. you can feel the tension in his muscles as he leads you towards a quieter corner of the club. the swaying throngs of people blur as you're led towards the next level of the club.

as you pass a red rope barrier, you realize it's a reserved section. the area is dimly lit, but you can make out a few plush couches and armchairs arranged around small tables. the air here smells different too, more luxurious and fragrant. not once does anyone move to stop you both. it's clear now that the club is not only managed by karaku, but also held some sort of ownership. 

you can't help but feel a sense of relief at the brief reprieve from the intensity of the party. you take a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling the cool air against your flushed skin.

urogi's gaze meets yours and you can see a hint of vulnerability in his eyes. "i'm sorry about that," he says, his voice softening. "i wanted you to enjoy yourself, not feel overwhelmed."

you feel a pang of guilt at his words, realizing that you are indeed a stranger to all of this. but there's something about urogi's easy charm that puts you at ease.

“c’mon, i promised you a break.”

as urogi guides you into the room, the pulsing music fades away and the sounds of hushed voices and clinking glasses fill your ears. the dim lighting casts a warm glow on the faces of the people lounging around the room. your eyes immediately find aizetsu, who is leaning back against the couch, his drink held loosely in his hand. he must have slipped through the crowd at some point during the brief confrontation. 

“so they managed to get in.”

the voice is deep and smooth.this must be the final one, sekido. his presence commanded attention even from afar. as you approach him, you finally realize the last detail about him that you couldn't place before: his eyes are a piercing shade of vermillion, drawing you in with their intensity. he seems to have grown broader since you last saw him, his arms comfortably stretched over the back of the couch.

“hey, you saw them and didn't let them through? you ass.”

you glance up at urogi, who lets out a sigh as he leads you to the couch and positions you between himself and sekido. you can't help but wish that you were seated between him and aizetsu instead, but you push the thought aside. other than the initial comment, no one made you feel unwelcome.

"they weren't invited by me. apparently, you can thank aizetsu for doing it for you," sekido continues, a smirk playing on his lips.

urogi rolls his eyes and pulls you closer to him, his arm draped around your shoulders. "i can't believe you saw them all dolled up like this and didn't intervene on your own. i wouldn't have been able to resist."

sekido lets out a snort and reaches for his own short glass, taking a sip. "i hardly saw them. and i'm not you."

urogi's arm around you is both comforting and possessive, as if he's claiming you as his own. you're acutely aware of his body heat, the subtle movements of his muscles as he shifts to get more comfortable.

aizetsu, on the other hand, exudes an air of calm, his posture relaxed as he sips his drink. his eyes meet yours briefly and you detect a hint of amusement in his gaze.

sekido, with his broad shoulders and easy confidence, seems like the type of person functions as the foundation of the group. he lounges back against the couch with the careless grace of a panther, his eyes gleaming with a mischievous light. you can't help but feel a little intimidated by him, even though you know he means no harm.

you can feel the tension between the three of them, but you're too stimulated to fully comprehend it. you look around the room, searching for a distraction. "where is karaku?" you finally ask, trying to change the subject.

the man in question enters the room with a flourish, as if summoned, balancing bottles and glasses with practiced ease. you marvel at his skill, wondering how he manages to keep everything from spilling. the scent of rice wine fills the air as he sets the glasses down.

he apologizes for the plainness of the glass, but you don't mind at all. you're just grateful for the hospitality. urogi grumbles about karaku never wanting to meet his friends and you get the sense that there's a deeper tension between the two brothers.

you take a sip of the rice wine, savoring the complex flavors as they dance across your tongue. it's smooth and slightly sweet, with a subtle aftertaste that lingers in your mouth. 

“so what about you caught our brother’s interest?”

sekido's sharp gaze bores into you, and you feel yourself squirming uncomfortably under his scrutiny. his eyes seemed to be searching for something, but you couldn't decipher what.

you realize that befriending aizetsu had been quite an accomplishment. but you already partially knew that. the man was not one to socialize much, and you had to muster all your courage to approach him. you had always been anxious about approaching people, even those related to your studies, but something about aizetsu drew you to him.

as you recall the memories of your initial interactions with him, you can't help but smile. aizetsu wasn't the most talkative person, but over the months, he had opened up to you in ways you never expected. you liked being around him because it made him look less alone, but it was more than that. it was a two-way agreement, and he welcomed your presence, going as far as to save your seat when you became a regular.

"i just wanted to be his friend," you finally say, and that was the truth of it.

karaku's voice interrupts the silence that follows. "how cute."

you take another sip of your sake, trying to fill the void created by the unsaid words that were lingering in the air. the brothers around you slide into their own conversations, and you take a moment to observe your surroundings.

the room is dimly lit, casting an warm glow on the faces around you. the air is thick with the scent of sake and the gentle hum of conversation surrounds you like a warm embrace. you feel oddly secure, despite being surrounded by people you barely know.

around you, the air hums with the sound of the brothers' voices, blending together in a cacophony of chatter. it's both exhilarating and terrifying to be in the midst of such men, all of whom exude an aura of authority that's impossible to ignore. you glance down at the floor, where a pattern of intricate symbols is etched into the wooden planks. it's a reminder that you're sitting in their territory, and that fact isn't lost on you.

you're brought back to the present when you notice that your cup has been refilled, courtesy of karaku. the gesture is both generous and intimidating, as if he's reminding you of your place at the table. you take a sip of the drink, letting the liquid wash over your tongue and down your throat.

as you drink, urogi's arm slips back around your shoulders. his touch is surprisingly cool against the warmth of your skin, and you can't help but lean into it, relishing the sensation. you're not sure if it's the alcohol or the company, but you're starting to feel a little lightheaded.

urogi breaks the silence with a teasing question. "so, i want to hear more juicy details of why you like aizetsu. surely, i'm cuter."

you laugh, the sound bubbling up from deep within you. "aren't you all quadruplets? you all look the same."

urogi pouts, his lips twisting into a playful grimace. "oh, so you agree i'm attractive. but that also implies you don't see a difference between us. surely you can appreciate the polarity."

you squint, taking a closer look at urogi. out of all the brothers, he has the most boyish looks. "hmm, let me think," you say, pretending to deliberate. "i guess you do have a more youthful appearance, like aizetsu."

urogi grins mischievously. "oh, still too vague. let me give you something to compare." and with that, he leans forward and kisses you.

the sensation is both shocking and exhilarating. you're not sure what to do at first, but then you start to respond, letting yourself be swept up in the moment. urogi's lips are soft against yours, and his tongue teases yours playfully before he pulls away, leaving you breathless and flushed.

“so?”

for a moment, the air is heavy with the weight of what just happened. your dazed from the action, words thick on your tongue before you can finally manage,” i’ve … never kissed aizetsu.”

urogi’s gaze goes comically wide,” what? but you guys had such a nice date set up before.”

as urogi's words sink in, your mind races to catch up. you had never considered the possibility that your friendship with aizetsu could be interpreted as something open. the memory of your planned outing together suddenly feels like it's been cast in a new light, and you wonder if maybe you had been sending mixed signals all along.

“it wasn't a date… we were…” where were your words? 

but before you can even begin to sort through your thoughts, urogi's warm breath tickles your ear, and his words pull you back to the present. "were?" he asks, his voice teasing.

your heart flutters in your chest, and you feel a blush rising to your cheeks.

no, not were to imply something had changed.

because nothing had changed. you are—

you open your mouth to speak, but before you can find the words, karaku's voice cuts through the air like a knife.

"urogi, stop. you're confusing her."

you look up to see aizetsu seated across from you, his expression inscrutable. you can't tell if he's angry or hurt, but the tension in the air is palpable.

for a moment, you feel like you're drowning in a sea of emotions, unsure of which way to swim. you don't know what to say, or even if there's anything you can say to make things right.

as the silence stretches on, you become acutely aware of the atmosphere in the room. the low murmur of conversation from the other patrons of the bar seems to fade into the background, leaving only the sound of your own breathing ringing in your ears.

urogi pouts, “i just asked them a question.”

urogi's pout only adds to the surreal atmosphere, as if his expression alone were enough to challenge the laws of physics. aizetsu doesnt relent, “but you didn’t give them a fair sample to compare. you rushed ahead as usual.”

 the brothers continue their conversation, but you find it hard to focus on anything except the electricity that seems to be pulsing through the air.

rushed … ahead..?

just when you think things couldn't get any more intense, aizetsu leans over his brother to cup your face. you're taken aback by the sudden closeness, but before you can even process what's happening, his lips are on yours. the kiss is firm, yet gentle, and you feel your head spin as you lose yourself in the moment. this is the closest you've ever been to him, closer even than during your study sessions.

when he pulls away, you're left gasping for breath, still reeling from the experience. and then, just as suddenly, urogi turns on you. "so now you have a comparison. can you tell the difference?"

you can feel the weight of their gazes on you, but you can't bring yourself to face them. you're not sure if you're ready to handle the scrutiny, not after being kissed by both brothers in such a short span of time. it's all too much, too surreal, and you're struggling to find your footing in this strange new reality.

"look at that flush. now i'm intrigued, you found an interesting one, aizetsu."

you feel a rush of emotions as sekido's words weigh heavy on your mind. was that what they thought of you? were you just another classmate to take advantage of their brotherly bond? the thought makes your heart ache and you feel a sudden urge to leave, to preserve what little dignity you have left.

but before you can make a move, sekido's hand is on your arm, pulling you towards him.

“the two of you are still close from familiarity. they need an outlier to appreciate the variance.”

 you can feel the roughness of his calloused skin against your flesh, sending shivers down your spine. as he cranes your head up, you can't help but feel a flutter in your stomach at the intensity of his gaze.

"pay attention," he commands before dropping his mouth to yours.

sekido's kiss is ravenous and urgent, surpassing any notion of chastity as he devours your mouth. his tongue slips past your lips and explores every inch of your mouth with a hunger that takes your breath away. you try to match his intensity, but your chest heaves as you struggle to keep up with his passion. when he pulls away, your head spins from the sheer force of the kiss.

you're left dazed and disoriented, your mind racing with questions and doubts. how had this night come to this? to be caught in the middle of the brothers, playing with your affection? you can't help but feel like you're in over your head, unsure of where this unexpected turn of events will take you.

“well, suppose it's only fair, eh?”

as karaku approaches, you can feel the energy shift, a palpable tension in the air. his presence is suave, and you find yourself captivated by the way he moves, the way he carries himself with such confidence and grace.

he kneels before you, and you feel a jolt of expectation as he leans in to kiss you. the touch of his lips is electric, a subtle shock that ignites a fire within you. his kiss is practiced, but not cold - he leads you through a dance of passion, his movements sure and fluid, his touch light but commanding.

as he pulls away, you can feel your breath catch in your throat, your heart racing with a mixture of excitement and fear. you are unsure of what just transpired, of what it all means - but one thing is clear: this was no longer a simple game.

his thumb brushes across your lips, and you can feel the heat of his gaze as he looks into your eyes. his voice is low and seductive, a whisper that sends shivers down your spine.

"pretty, pretty," he murmurs. "so what do you think, are we so similar?"

[thesummerstorms]

I can acknowledge that the text SAYS that Annabeth Chase worked out her problems with her dad, that her stepmom seemed "nice", and that her "resentment" is described as seemingly unimportant in Blood of Olympus. I can acknowledge the text SAYS that Annabeth's family problems are resolved.

However. That does not mean that I actually buy it. If RR wanted me to accept that outcome, he should have done the actual work of proving it.

Yes we have the scene with the plane and Mrs. Chase telling Percy that Annabeth has a home.

But those two scenes in TTC don't actually work as a source of a resolution to that plot thread because they don't address the root of the problem- Annabeth being hurt by Frederick's neglect and her step-mother 's blame/callousness.

Even if they ARE trying to do better now (which to honest, feels like a cop out to me, almost as if RR just decided he no longer wanted to write that thread and cut it off quickly) the problem lies in what already happened in the past and how badly Annabeth was hurt by it.

She could have died so, so easily, and even if you want to argue perfect intent for the Chase adults (which I don't) she was emotionally fucked up by what happened for years. This has already happened.

But there's not even a hint of an apology or actual reflection on what caused those events and how things need to be moving forward. It's just assumed that TTC automatically fixes everything.

And yes, I actively have a post going around about how an author has to pick and choose their narratives and what they want to focus on for what characters.

But I would argue that RR already chose to make that plot line an important part of the plot- given how it drives Annabeth's motivations and actionals on an emotional level for pretty much all of TTC- it's just that he handled it badly.

If it was going to be addressed, especially if it was going to be "fixed", then we needed more to convince us that Annabeth had reason to trust her parents again. And again, for me one plane scene that doesn't go into what Annabeth has already experienced doesn't work for me personally.

Especially when you look at things like how Annabeth was still living in boarding schools full time, her description of the night she ran away in HOH, her persistent fear of abandonment.

And before anyone brings it up, I do actually have some sympathy for Frederick Chase. I personally am deeply adverse to the idea of having children of my own, so putting myself in his shoes of having been given a whole infant I never wanted and didn't know was a possibility, freaks me out a little too!

BUT. That doesn't change the fact that he had a responsibility as an adult-

to either choose to raise Annabeth fully as his child and accept the responsibility that entailed

OR

to find someone who could take care of her the way she deserved if he was not emotionally or mentally able to fulfill those needs.

I'm not saying any of it would be easy, but he did in fact have a basic obligation to make sure Annabeth was receiving care from SOMEONE. That's basic decency as an adult with some form of power over a child even if he DIDN'T want to be her father.

But his refusal to actually commit to either path just did MORE damage in the long run.

And he's free to try and make amends, I guess. People can change.

But I just don't feel there's enough to show that he really has long term, much less to give ANNABETH reason to believe he has.

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 19

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words: 5k

Masterlist

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Monday, November 23; 9:40 AM - Class.

It's been a week since I returned to camp. Bronze managed to get my leave denied even though I had gone a week without any infractions. The worst part is, I hardly saw her during the week and weekend, even though she stayed too. The only time I'm sure to see her is in the morning during checks and in the evening to catch up on my classes. I could have finished long ago, but the teachers overwhelm us with too much work. It's annoying because I can no longer stand Bronze's silence. Not only is she still mad at me, but she makes it clear. If she wanted to punish me in her way to make me remorseful, she succeeded! I can't even blame her because I'm in the wrong.

Now, with a new week just starting, I content myself with scribbling on my paper at the beginning of class. I don't plan to make as much effort as last week if it means I won't get a pass in the end. I occupy myself as best as I can since the classes don't interest me at all. I'm lost in half the classes because of my backlog and have no desire to catch up. Unlike me, Alexia is very attentive for once. I try to entertain myself without her. I almost regret not deliberately arriving late this morning. I refrained, remembering Bronze's behavior. She would have certainly taken the opportunity to get back at me. I sigh for the umpteenth time in almost two hours to show my displeasure. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here.

- "Well, since I've finished my class and we still have some time... It's time to talk about your specialization for the second semester."

- "Our what?" I asked Alexia.

- "You don't know? We're supposed to choose an option for the second semester."

- "What? Is this a joke?"

- "It's always like this in the second semester. Wiegman Camp is a private school, so it's Wiegman who decides how it operates."

- "And what's the system?" I sighed.

- "I thought you knew. Well, we have general courses in the first semester and have to choose preferred specializations in the second. It's like this for three years. It operates this way so we can change specializations once if we think we chose the wrong path. It's good like this because if we join a new field, we have to catch up on everything ourselves."

- "Basically, I'd be screwed in any field since I wasn't here for the first two years..."

- "Yeah, pretty much," she chuckles.

A stack of papers arrives. I take two sheets before passing it back. I look at the form with curiosity after handing one to Alexia. It's an enrollment form with a list of options. I'm completely lost. I haven't been to classes for two years. How am I supposed to know what I want to do? I sigh, scratching my head. This is an unexpected problem. I would have preferred general courses until the end of the year.

- "You know the drill," starts our teacher. "Three choices are possible. You'll be accepted based on your first-semester report card and the number of available spots."

- "Will the classes be mixed then?" I asked Alexia. "Or will we only be separated for the options?"

- "No, the classes will be mixed," she grimaces at my dismayed expression.

Oh no... This means we risk being separated. Not to mention I'll have a new schedule and new teachers. My situation was fine as it was! Why do they always have to change everything?!

- "The enrollment form is due by the end of the week, with no extensions."

This whole thing already annoys me. End of the week? It's short notice for someone who wasn’t informed and doesn’t know what they want to do. I'm sure everyone already has an idea since they've had this before. I pack up my things as the bell signals the end of class. I'm the first to leave the room. I have five more hours of classes, including the lunch hour. Luckily for me, my morning passes quickly. To be honest, this options thing occupied all my thoughts during my last two hours before noon. I studied the sheet all morning. I reached the same conclusion: Nothing interests me. It's driving me crazy. Luckily, I can finally eat to clear my mind by seeing the others. This joy quickly fades when the main topic is about the specializations. I avoided the discussion until now, but Alba invites me to join by asking a question.

- "And you, Ona? Do you already have an idea where you're going?"

- "No, not really."

- "Join sports with me," she suggests. "It would be cool if we were together for once!"

I furrow my brow as the rest of the table bursts into uncontrollable laughter. A smile escapes my lips. I really like Alba, but she's very clumsy in her approaches. She should know that's not the kind of option that interests me, or she's really dumb. I find it almost adorable that she wants us to be together.

- "You're really dumb," Leah comments. "Ona, in sports?"

- "Everyone knows sports and Ona are like oil and water," her sister adds.

- "But you do jogs with Bronze!" Alba defends herself.

- "I haven't done them for a week. It was just to clear my head before classes. Your sister is right, I hate sports."

I smile at her adorable face. I almost feel bad for disappointing her like this. She's between the shame of proposing such a thing and the sadness of my refusal.

- "Come with Pina and me in engineering then," Patri suggests.

- "Engineering?" I repeat. "I'm good at practical stuff, but not in that field, sorry," I giggle. "I don't know what I'll do yet, I'll see."

- "You have a week to think about it, be careful, it's short," Leah tells me.

- "What are you taking?" I asked.

- "No idea," she shrugs. "Probably the same as the last two times..."

If I want reassurance, I just need to look at Leah. At least I know I'm not the only one lost. Sometimes I wonder why she's here. She doesn't care about anything and doesn't hide it. The proof is in all the infractions she commits. That's why I adore her and think it's mutual.

- "Too bad for you there's no art in the options," Alexia tells me.

- "I admit, I wouldn't have had to think if there was."

Since Bronze's gift, I haven't stopped drawing before bed if I'm not too tired. It's not a passion I would hide since even my supervisor knows about it. Alexia keeps asking to see my drawings. I find it hard to show her because I find my sketchbooks very personal. I tend to prefer sharing my paintings, which are more abstract, but I have no materials to make them. I finally gave in and showed her some because of her persistence. Alexia has a persuasion I underestimate every time. The topic didn't fall on deaf ears, given how the whole table reacted. I'm bombarded with a multitude of questions that I enjoy answering. It's always easier to talk about something you're passionate about. Now I hope my next classes will pass quickly, but it will be difficult given my racing thoughts.

Monday, November 23; 4:10 PM - Hallway.

My day is over. Or almost. Alexia suggested we work together at the library, but I had to decline, reminding her of my obligations with Bronze. So, here I am on my way to her office. Arriving, I'm surprised to find the door closed. It's the first time it has been. This stresses me out even more than I already am. Since my return, things haven't been the same with Bronze. I take a deep breath before knocking. I recognize her voice giving me permission to enter. She looks surprised to see me, given her expression. I quickly notice the empty desk opposite her. It's surprising that Engen is not at her post.

- "Ona," Bronze snaps me out of my thoughts. "What are you doing here? Did you do something I don't know about?"

- "No... Am I not supposed to come to catch up on my classes?"

- "Oh, right. I thought you were done. Well, sit down and leave the door open."

If I had known she would forget, I would have stayed with Alexia... I timidly enter the room while she clears space on her desk. I sit across from her, in my usual spot. She doesn't pay much attention to me and continues her work.

- "Engen isn't here?"

- "She has a day off."

- "Oh."

- "Do you still have a lot to catch up on?"

- "I don't think so. Do you mind if I prioritize my math? I have a test on Wednesday."

- "Not at all, manage as you see fit. It's you who'll stay here longer."

I would gladly do without this obligation, but it doesn't bother me much either. At least I'm at peace here. I'm not a diligent student, but I'm far from stupid. I just lack motivation, and my sigh expresses it well.

- "Bronze?"

- "Hmm? What do you want now?"

- "Never mind, forget it."

I was about to make a big mistake. Fortunately, her sharp response brings me back to reality. I dive into my math without adding anything. She sighs in turn.

- "Come on, talk, I can see you're troubled."

- "No, it's fine, don't worry. My request is ridiculous..."

- "No request is ridiculous if it's thought out. I have the right to judge it myself, don't I?"

I didn't expect her to insist. I know Bronze is naturally curious. The only time she doesn't insist is on taboo subjects related to my past. I nervously run my hand through my hair. I decide to show her instead of answering. I rummage in my bag and hand her a sheet. She takes it under my watchful eye. She quickly furrows her brow, looking up at me.

- "Why are you giving me this sheet? It's for choosing options, right?"

- "Uh...," I say, turning my head, embarrassed by the question I'm about to ask. "I was wondering if you could help me with my choices. I have no idea what I want to do."

- "Wouldn't you rather see this with your parents?"

I sigh, snatching the sheet from her hands. I knew it was a bad idea. I wonder why this idea crossed my mind. It was really stupid of me. I put the form away while answering her.

- "Forget it, I told you it was ridiculous."

- "Hey, don't take it like that," she smiles. "It was just a simple question. Why would you rather see this with me than with them?"

- "I'm not on good terms with my mother," I admit. "You're the only 'authority' I have," I added, miming quotation marks.

- "Why didn't you tell me? By the way, how did your return go? Tell me you still live with them at least?"

I can't help but smile at all her questions. Finally, my request is good. It feels like everything is back to normal, even though it's far from it. I take a deep breath. She has the right to know, after all. I just hope she won't ignore me anymore after our discussion. I couldn't bear it any longer.

- "I live with my mother, her boyfriend, and their son, Joan. So yes, I still live with one of my parents. Otherwise, my return went well until I saw my mother after work on Saturday. We had a violent argument about what happened, but well, it's not new," I shrug. "I cleared my mind by taking Joan to the ice rink and... And by going to a party," I admit, lowering my head.

Making the connection, I realize that Bronze scolded me for the same reasons as my mother. The difference is that Bronze has the right to be mad at me. Unlike my mother, Bronze gives me the chance to defend myself and understand me. She worries about me in a different way.

- You see, this is what I blame you for. Why didn't you come talk to me instead of forgetting your problems for the evening? I gave you my number for this reason. You could have avoided an argument between us too.

- I know, I'm sorry.

My throat is tight. I'm on the verge of crying, realizing my mistakes. Bronze forces me to lift my head, which makes things even harder to face.

- Everything is settled now, isn't it?

- Yes, I learned my lesson... I won't go to parties anymore, and I want to apologize again. I didn't mean to worry you.

She smiles at me in a strange way. I couldn't interpret her expression. All I want now is for her not to be mad at me anymore. I'm determined to listen to her for the rest of the year if necessary.

- If we go back to the first day you set foot here, you would never have said something like that. I'm proud of you Ona, you have evolved a lot since you arrived. I almost... I said almost, regret calling you immature.

I look at her with wide eyes. If she wants me to crack, she's close to succeeding. No one has said such words to me in a long time. I don't know how to feel after so much recognition.

- It's not perfect yet, but your behavior is redeemable, she says playfully.

- It's hard, you know... To get back up when you're at rock bottom.

I swallow hard, thinking back to everything I've been through since my teenage years. I haven't had an easy life. I feel like it's been rough on me, even though I'm partly responsible for some things. I try to convince myself that I'm happy, but that's far from the truth.

- I know, Ona. But you're making progress step by step, and that's very good.

- It's thanks to you, I whisper.

I think she heard my words, but I'm relieved she doesn't bring it up.

- Well, about your wishes, of course I'll help you if you want. You didn't have to be shy. You should know you can ask me anything. My answer was already yes just by hearing your question.

- Thank you...

- I'll finish my file first. It'll take me half an hour. You can continue your math, and we'll discuss it afterward, okay?

- OK, I replied, making her smile.

All my stress evaporated. Bronze has this influence on me, without me understanding how. I'm no longer used to asking for help. I feel embarrassed every time. It's the first time in a long while that I've made a request. Normally, I manage on my own, or Bronze always offers first. That was the case when she helped me during withdrawal. Everything was a proposition. This time it was different. I had to ask her. I tend to forget she's here now. Mapi is probably right. I should confide in her about my past. The only thing that blocks me is that there are so many things that are hard to say out loud. I've kept these topics deep inside, never having had the courage to talk to anyone about them. I push these thoughts away to concentrate actively on my math. I would like to get a good grade for once. It will be difficult given my level. Not only do I have a crappy teacher, but I'm also behind. These are chapters I've already studied in high school, but it's been too long to remember them. I feel like my teacher confuses me more than anything in my logic. I delve into my exercises without paying attention to the time. I started to think that half an hour should be long, so I looked up. It seems I was right. She must have been watching me for a while, given her amused look. I remove the back of my pen from my mouth with slightly red cheeks. I have the habit of nibbling it unconsciously when I'm deep in thought. I deduce that she finished her work because I no longer see a file on her desk. The show I was putting on must have been entertaining for her not to stop me in my work.

- Do you need help, perhaps?

- No, it's fine, thanks, I declined.

Without asking my permission, she takes the sheet full of scribbles. I must have restarted this exercise three times. She smiles before getting up. I don't immediately understand her intention until she sits on the empty chair next to me.

- Everything is wrong. Give me your pen.

I hand it to her without thinking. It's just a simple quadratic equation. I've always been good at math, even if it's not my favorite subject. However, nothing is working out for me this year. I feel like my teacher explains too much for nothing. I was forced to go back to basics because of him. That's what I was doing, but I realized that even I couldn't manage anymore. Bronze studies my sheet attentively. She must be looking for the mistake.

- If your formulas are wrong, you won't get far, she indicates.

She turns the sheet over to the blank back. She rewrites the new formulas as well as the equation before sliding the sheet back to me.

- Here, try again.

- You don't have to do this, we can-

- If I remember correctly, you have until the end of the week to submit your wishes, right?

- Yeah...

- So we have until Thursday evening to study them. The most important thing right now is your math test. We'll work on them together until dinner time.

I blush at the thought of her helping me with my homework. I think it's something that hasn't happened to me since primary school. She smiles at me and places the pen on the sheet. She leans back in the chair, crossing her arms.

- Come on, get to work, she orders. I want all the exercises you do tonight to be mastered when you leave my office.

- It's going to be hard to catch up on two years...

- Is it like this in all subjects?

- Not all, but most, yes...

- I don't understand why they put you in the final year if you haven't studied since high school, she murmurs, probably more to herself than to me.

- I was good in high school, I shrugged. My mother must have had something to do with it.

- Well, let's start by working on your math tonight. It would be a shame if you got a bad grade when you're trying so hard. For the other subjects, come see me if you have any problems.

- I don't want to bother you...

- If I offer my help, it's not a bother. The last thing we need is for you to fail your final exam.

- You really don't have to do this, Bronze...

- It makes me happy, I assure you. Don't hesitate to ask for help. I'm here for that too.

I don't know what to say to her. I doubt she's here to help me with my studies. But it's reassuring to know she'll be there if I have questions. I smile at her timidly before leaning over the sheet she points to. I start the equation again for the umpteenth time, with the correct formulas this time. Bronze watches me attentively while I work. It's strange to be under such supervision. It hasn't happened since I was old enough to do my homework alone. What delights me the most is that we're finally talking normally again after a week of silence. When I finish, I show her what I've done. She looks for a moment before smiling.

- See, when you want to! Give me that, she asks, pointing to my pen.

I see her write a new equation next. I don't complain. She's doing this to help me after all. I get back to work without a word. We continue this way for a good hour. She gave me simple equations at first to get me back on track, then she gradually increased the difficulty. On top of that, she varied the equations to cover all the chapters I've studied this year. If I got stuck on something, she took her time to explain my mistakes and gave me another one to do right after. I must be on my fifth rough draft sheet since we started. I admit I'm starting to get slightly fed up. While I don't mind continuing, it annoys me when I can't get it right. That's exactly what's happening with the sign tables. I think it's the tenth time she's explained the principle, but I still don't understand and I'm starting to lose patience. I hate when I don't get something right away. It often means I'll never understand.

- Make an effort, Ona. Focus, it's not that complicated!

- I can't do it! You can see I'm always getting it wrong! I grumble in frustration.

- Why did you put "plus" here? she asks me.

I remain silent in response to her question. I'm afraid of giving the wrong answer. Bronze sighs. She must be as annoyed with the situation as I am. She gets closer to the paper, and therefore to me as well.

- Did you listen when I explained it to you?

- Of course! I retorted.

- Then explain to me. Why did you put a "plus" here? she points to the table.

- Because it follows the sign of "a"? I say in the form of a question, not being sure.

-Are you sure?

She leans back in her chair again, crossing her arms when she realizes my hesitation. She just wants to destabilize me to see if I’m sure of myself, and she succeeds perfectly. She already did this earlier by asking me a question when my answer was correct. This time, I don't dare to respond immediately. I prefer to think it over to be sure, but I get nowhere. I groan in frustration, throwing the pen on the desk. I watch Bronze pick it up with an amused smile. I was about to make a remark, but we get interrupted by someone knocking on the door. We both instinctively turn to see Alexia at the door. I furrow my brows, not understanding why she’s here.

"Hello, Bronze."

"Hello, Alexia," she smiles.

"Were you looking for me?" I ask.

"Yeah, it's seven o'clock. We’d like to have dinner with the others, so I wanted to know if we should wait for you or go ahead?"

Is it already seven o'clock? I hadn't noticed the time passing. I first look at my unfinished exercise on my sheet before glancing at Bronze. I’d like to go, but I’m not sure she’ll let me before I finish.

"Don’t look at me like that. Of course, you can go. I’m hungry too. Just finish this exercise by tomorrow and think about the question I asked you."

"Are you serious? You’re giving me homework for tomorrow?" I ask, astonished.

"Remind me who we're doing this for?"

I roll my eyes, unable to argue. She’s taking time out of her day to help me, after all. I sigh but nod. I gather all my things that have invaded Bronze’s personal space and put them in my bag.

"Alright, for tomorrow. Always after my classes?"

"Always, you haven't finished catching up on your courses yet."

"At this rate, I’ll never make it," I laugh.

"Don’t say that, we made good progress tonight. We reviewed all your equation chapters in just two hours."

It's true that it's not bad for two hours. The best part is that I almost understood everything. I understand Bronze’s explanations so much better. She hands me my pen, and I put my things in my bag. I zip it up and stand to stretch my legs. I put my chair away and smile at Bronze, who has also stood up.

"Thanks for your help..."

"No problem. Don’t hesitate next time."

She walks around the desk to get her jacket after tidying up her desk.

"Well... Have a good dinner and a good evening."

"Thanks, you too. See you tomorrow."

We smile at each other before I join Alexia, who has been waiting at the door since the beginning. We leave, and she waits until we're far enough to talk without anyone eavesdropping.

"You kept your personal study sessions with Bronze a secret from me," she teases. "So, things are better with her now?"

I must have told Alexia about my weekend and how Bronze found out I was out partying. I would have preferred to avoid it, but Bronze’s behavior towards me hadn’t gone unnoticed. She inevitably asked questions that I had to answer. This earned me some remarks from her, agreeing with Bronze. I then had to reassure her that I didn’t intend to go back to drugs. My last withdrawal was more than enough.

"It’s not what you think. She just helped me when she saw I was struggling. Otherwise, I think things are better... We talked a bit and I’d say the tension has been relieved."

"Yeah! Anyway, I’m glad she’s talking to you again. It seemed like you were about to fall into a depression because of her ignoring you."

"Nonsense!" I retort, hitting her shoulder.

"Oh yes! You didn't even realize. How did you get her to listen? Because she didn't seem like she wanted to let you explain yourself."

"I asked her to help me with my preferences..."

"Oh yeah? Why?"

"I have no idea what to do... I haven't been in school for two years because of my detox and all that. So, we talked about it, and I ended up apologizing for my mistake on Saturday night..."

"Well, at least it ended well. Did she say yes to help you with the preferences?"

"Yes, yes. We're going to discuss it before Friday."

"That's cool of her. I find her cooler since you’ve been here."

"Bronze cooler? Are you kidding me? She was mad at me for a whole week!"

"You asked for it," she giggles. "But seriously, it’s true. She rarely takes care of anyone else besides you now, and it seems like she's nicer to you than the other students."

"Oh no, she’s not nicer to me," I grimace. "She’s demanding. Should I remind you that she banned me from all parties during my free time and threatened to revoke all my outings from the camp if I come back in a state?"

"She banned you from parties?" she exclaims. "Because of your last weekend?"

"Yeah," I sigh. "I guess I asked for it according to her."

"Yeah, but still! You're right, it's exaggerated! It's normal to go out when we’re free. She shouldn’t have the right to forbid you from doing things outside the school grounds."

"Except she’s completely right."

"Yes, but still... She shouldn’t. She has no influence outside, normally. She doesn't even have a way to verify it."

"True, except I'm a terrible liar in front of her," I laugh. "I mean, she knows everything I do here down to the second, so I have this impression it's the same when I’m outside."

"I see," she giggles. "If you’re acting strange, it’s normal for her to notice something’s wrong."

"At the same time, she has that look that makes me talk, you know? She has so much influence over me now that just talking about it, I feel like I could feel bad at a party just thinking I'm disobeying her."

"Are you serious?" she bursts out laughing. "I didn’t know Bronze scared you that much! Everyone thinks you’re the one who isn’t impressed... You’re breaking my heart, shattering the legend," she says dramatically, putting her hands to her heart.

"Shut up," I laugh. "You’re really stupid, you know that!"

I gently hit her, joining her laughter. We change the subject when we reach the cafeteria. I like talking to her, but I don't really want to discuss this topic with or in front of the others. Alexia is the person I’m closest to here, and that's just fine with me. The others are already at the table waiting for us. So, Alexia and I quickly get our food to join them and finish my evening more calmly.

[some-pers0n]

Oh yeah I forgot to share this pretty angsty lil' letter from Clearsight to Darkstalker. Kinda like the letters in AGTTDW. How goofy :]

Editor's Note: This is a letter recovered from Clearsight's tomb, unearthed in 5,013 AS. Date of when the entry was written is unclear, but assumed to be the end of her life.

I wonder if you dream. A part of me wishes you did. Another wants you to remain in darkness forever. I don't know what to believe. Even after all of these years, I still feel like the same, innocent dragon. Like all of my growth and change on this continent cancels the moment you cross my mind.

You were my love. You were everything to me. Even when you fell into your path, I still mourn you.

I know it's foolish. Writing this letter addressed to the dragon I know fully well is sealed away is foolish. You cannot read this. You are gone. Not dead, as you can never die, but gone. I hope you fade into obscurity as you rest under the mountains, locked in an eternal sleep. I hope that, when I and everyone you harmed have passed on, your name is never uttered again.

And yet I love you. For what reason I can only theorize. You are an eternal enigma to me. You were my light. You were the dark that almost swallowed me whole. I had hopes that you and I would have a family and live happily. You dreamt of ruling the world with utmost tyranny and ruthlessness.

Do you still dream of that? If you can dream, of course. I would hope to believe that, somewhere in your subconscious, you reform. Reflect. Through millennia of contemplation, you learn to remove that evil from your soul. I would hope that, if you ever return to the surface, you emerge a changed dragon. The dragon whom I loved.

The dragon I love now is different. The life I love now is different. Because of you, I traveled to a continent far beyond our imagination. I recall late-night conversations of exploring the world. We would joke and laugh over the prospect of being some grand adventurers. It's a shame I am the only one to fulfill that wish.

Pantala is beautiful. You would have loved it. It's more than anything you and I could have ever dreamed of. My husbands and children are more than anything I could have wanted from life. They still thank me for warning them of the hurricane that brought me here. I wonder if you would've saved them had you received that vision. If you had seen the destruction that would've befallen the continent and chose to save it out of the goodness of your heart or leave it to rot. Perhaps you might have saved it to exploit them. To let them worship you.

You wanted that the most out of life. A part of me feels guilty I am surrounded by love while the only company you have is the lonely cave you are trapped in. A part of me lavishes in it. Yet, I knew that's what you wanted most. Love. It's what made you the way that you are. Your love, both your search and way of displaying it, is the reason for this future.

You blamed your father for everything. Arctic. I never once heard you talk of him with anything more warm than a hateful sneer. I knew even before I met you that you hated him. I had seen visions of you killing him. Some with pity. Some far more gruesome than I could have ever imagined. You saw him as the catalyst. That he instilled the ideas you held.

I do not doubt that. I had been around Arctic long enough to understand what he did to you and your family. I had heard the stories, both from you and Whiteout. He was a monster in his own right.

You were a monster in a wholly new way. A monster that I deluded myself into believing I loved the current version of. I loved the future version. I loved the Darkstalker in my visions who treated me with respect. The one that would never use his magic unless it was for the one-off spell for an anniversary gift. The one who would be there at my side when I needed him most. The one who loved me for who I was and not what I represented.

You were not that dragon. You had the same scales and you talked the same, but you were not him. You were a dragon who I watched be corrupted by rage and hatred for the world. You were angry at Arctic. You were angry at the world. You felt as though you knew better than anyone. You were the savior. You would bring the continent to its glory with you at the top.

I did not love that dragon, but you loved me. You thought you could trick me. You thought you could warp my mind and shape me into somebody agreeable and nice. That earring is when I knew for certain you could never be the dragon I loved. You saw me as a partner, but I saw you as nothing more than a force of evil cloaked in the scales of the dragon that was my soulmate.

I feel conflicted about everything you were, are now, and could've been. I did love you when you were alive. I loved the future version. I don't know what now. I am nearing the end of it all, and I still cannot find a proper answer.

I always find myself asking whether you dream. I dream of you. They are nightmares no matter what way I spin them. Even when they are memories of the days we would laugh and play, I wake up with tears in my eyes. I wonder if when I die I'll be granted the luxury of a sleep without you. I want my last thought to be of my friends and family on Pantala. I want to think of what I've done rather than my past. Rather what could have been.

I know this letter may never reach you. Maybe it does, and it is simply that my powers have finally found their limit. I write for some release. Closure. That, when this is sealed away in my tomb, it remains with me. That the memories of everything you've ever done die with me.

I am not the dragon I was when I sealed you away, and yet in many ways I still am. I still hold a flicker of love for you, despite knowing that you can never be the dragon I wanted.

I remember that brief moment when I wanted to stay next to you when the earthquake would cause the mountain to collapse. I felt so grief-stricken over the loss of you that I wanted nothing more than to die next to you. I made the best choice. I know I did. The alternative was me dying when I was a young, naive child.

Yet I can't help but still feel I should have. My love for you persists to that extent. I love you. I hate you. I want nothing more than you to rot under that mountain. I wish could dream of a world where life could have been different. A life where we both made it work. Where we were happy.

Darkstalker, you were my love. Perhaps in another, more kinder life, we could be together.

Dream of our dragonets if you can.

Clearsight

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for stranding my character in a desert wasteland?

I suppose this may take a bit of explaining, won’t it?

I (rude question, M) will say that in the past I have had a rather… difficult time making decisions for myself. I’m a… well, technically I’m a ‘game designer,’ and I had this wonderful idea for a new game. But I lacked a good protagonist! I assumed that given the right character, they could also assist me in making decisions for the game. It was a wonderful idea, if I do say so myself.

Eventually, I stumbled on just the right man for the job. He (34, M) is a rather boring fellow, but he seemed very good for my intentions. He would even fit right in to the setting I’d been imagining— how wonderful is that! Finding the perfect character is an almost unparalleled feeling.

I truly thought the process would be straightforward— direct him down the correct path, have an interesting plot twist here and there, and my game would be perfect. But right from the get-go, he began defying my instructions. You give a man clear expectations, and he decides to go against exactly what you say! Really, how rude is that!?

I had a script prepared and everything, but he simply was not keen to follow my instructions, forcing me to improvise instead!

Despite it all, I was helpless to stop him— not even my control over the setting could help. As much as I attempted to remove possible choices, they would either return on their own, or he would find a way to make them anyways. It was terribly frustrating, but I’d grown rather attached to him as a protagonist at that point, and I was dead-set on making it work.

Fast-forward a little while, and my game actually did catch on! Something about my character being able to make his own decisions was rather appealing to my audience, and so begrudgingly, I chose to let him stay.

However, the developers made the decision to make a sequel of my game— which had absolutely the intention to stain the integrity of my original game. They didn’t even think to give it any worthwhile features!

Despite it all, my protagonist decided that he enjoyed these pointless features, and I could tell the developers were winning him over. But no, no, I couldn’t have that!

You see, I had an area that I’d stashed within my game— one that only I knew about, one very, very special to me. It contained every one of my positive experiences with my original game, so I could remember it without any blasphemous new additions attempting to appeal to a wider audience.

Now that my protagonist was wanting the features of the ‘new game’, I decided to bring him to this area, in an effort to remind him how good the old game truly was.

I’ll be honest, I don’t really remember what happened next— my protagonist seemed rather distraught by it, kept telling me he was happy to see me again— as if I had gone somewhere, hah! I wouldn’t abandon my game like that, I don’t know where he could’ve gotten the idea.

But either way, I had a new idea on how to win him back over— a burst of new ideas and features that I chose to implement into the old game! Beat that, developers!

At this point, my protagonist had settled into his routine of going against what I said, but at least he was listening to me some of the time.

I’ll admit, it was rather nice. No longer did it seem I had to fight with him, and I had even developed a script for every wrong choice he made! No more surprises.

…However, that is, until he got UNREASONABLY attached to one of the new features I’d implemented.

I wouldn’t blame him it he simply liked the object I had given him, but no! He carried it around everywhere he went, and even had the gall to get upset when he lost it!

And not only that, but this progressed into him thinking that it was speaking to him! Can you believe it!? And because of that, he began ignoring me for the sake of following perceived directions from this object!

I gave that thing to him because I’d noticed he was lonely, and obviously I couldn’t be there with him, so I thought that it may be nice for him to have something else to hold.

However, it all came to a point where I was going over good memories I had shared with him, and instead of listening to me, he blatantly told me that he wanted his bucket back.

I suppose it was a sort of ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ situation, as it were. I was done with him and his bucket-loving nonsense, and I didn’t NEED him to make my decisions anymore. And so I cast him outside of the game, into a desert wasteland, because it was the only other map I had on hand.

I will admit, for posterity sake, that I do miss him sometimes. He was a wonderful protagonist, and if I could bring him back, I certainly would. But I simply do not think I could deal with the fact that he’d chosen an object over me. Me! The man who’s been with him since the start!

So, dear reader— am I truly the asshole in this situation?

Edit: What’s with all this nonsense in the comments? I keep saying MY protagonist because he is the protagonist to my game! It’s simply easier to type! I don’t know what you all are implying, but it certainly doesn’t have the connotations you think it does.

[createyourownnarrative]

Usually I try not to post too much about Long Covid on my regular FB feed. I’ve learned to just not do it. It’s best I save those posts for my support groups where I can get the support I need from people going through the same struggle.

But I need to get this off my chest.

I always knew I wanted to be an artist. I dabbled in many mediums over the years, photography, music, painting, film/media, writing, I’ve made sculptures. I truly enjoy expressing myself through various art forms, and connecting with others through that.

In 2010-2011, after years of working job after job trying to find my passion (when most of my friends were already college graduates with direction) and feeling a little lost, in the retail industry, I put my foot down, went back to school and chose a medium, & decided to pursue THAT. One medium I truly always loved: Photography. In 2012, I exhibited my work for the first time. In 2020 I opened up my first photo studio. A creative space where I can share and make memories. 1 month later, a global pandemic overturns our worlds and realities. I never would have imagined, that, in our lifetime. You just don’t think it could happen to you (to us). But it did. It’s still so surreal to me.

I got sick with Covid twice. I knew some people who had covid over 4-8 times. I had it twice. It only took that first bout with the virus to completely change my life. My body. My mind. My worries. My perspective. My whole world. And my future. I thought I almost had it figured out, my path, my plans, my goals. What I wanted to do, and where I wanted to go. Who I wanted to be. Now i’m grateful that I make it through my day, without collapsing. (which has happened and was very scary). My last two photography jobs, I couldn’t feel my hands. It’s why I’ve been so inactive, since I got sick. Whats going to happen when I can’t take pictures anymore?

When I tested positive for the first time, I cried in the cab ride home. I was beyond terrified. What will this mean? Will I survive this? What is going to happen. I thought if I can get through the virus and live, that’s all I could want. Some months before, I had lost a high school friend, a fellow musician, to Coronavirus. He was only 32 years old. We didn’t know what would happen. Who was at risk of death. After 9 or 10 days, with the virus. I tested negative, and returned to work. Feeling good, that I survived. Especially after day 4, when I woke up gasping for air in the night. I feared I wouldn’t wake up. I got blamed for testing positive by people around me. It was “my fault”. For “not being careful”. I felt so alienated. After I returned to work, I was preparing to move, packing, organizing, purging. One day, I could not get out of bed. And strange heavy symptoms. I thought I had Covid again. Of course the test came back negative.

But I would never be the same again. I never fully recovered from getting sick. Stuck back in 2020.

Do you know what it’s like? I see the world moving on. Almost like it never happened. Our government lying and covering up facts/truth. We are still sick. Still here. 18 million people in America are still sick with Post Covid syndrome. I’m left to feel like it’s my fault..I’m to blame. Because I “didn’t take care of myself.” Would you say that to someone with cancer? Or fibromyalgia? Or heart problems? Or Alzheimer’s? Or diabetes? Or any other illness? The stigma I’m (and we are) facing is unreal. People don’t believe me when I say “I still can’t taste and smell” and that I’m chronically ill now. “You don’t look sick”. “It’s because you party too much”. “you’re getting older” “it’s all those long nights you work on your feet”. I’ve heard it all. “But I see you at the bar working”. I have to work. There is no disability, go fund me, or assistance. I have to pay my rent. On my own. So I need to work. But just because you see me, at work, doesn’t mean I’m well. It just means I’m pushing myself to stay alive. It’s been true torture working through all this. I mourn and grieve for weeks and months at a time. It hasn’t stopped. It took me a long time, to accept that this is not going away anytime soon.

And my heart is broken. I feel left out in the rain. By our leaders, scientists, doctors, friends I thought I had. There is no community support. Even if someone believes you’re sick. No funding/fundraisers for LC. There is no cure, no pill, no treatment, no progress in finding treatment or biomarkers in the body to be able to even test for LC. The unpredictability of it. The symptoms. It’s really been torturous. Torture. A true nightmare. Having to sit in the shower so I don’t fall. Or hit my head (again) Doubling heart rate just upon standing. I get winded just talking and singing karaoke. I forget everything now. I slur my speech, sober. Tremors like Parkinsonism. My memory loss and constant issues feel like dementia-brain fog. I forget how to spell now. my hands turn purple red and blue when I step out of the shower. Migraines that last for months. Months. I take Tylenol like it’s medication. Neuropathy, nerve pain, nerve itches, tingling and numbness. My body temperature can’t regulate, so I often am cold and hot simultaneously. How do you remedy that? The discomfort and distress I feel is unbearable. Loosing clumps of hair. My hair is greying more and more rapidly post covid. Brittle nails. Skin issues. Digestive issues. Eye problems. Cognitive difficulties. Joint pain. Muscle pain. Muscle atrophy. Weakness. Severe severe fatigue. Almost like you worked out at the gym, full body then took a benadryl. Every. Fucking. Day. I’m tired of being so fucking tired. Before Covid, people would always have to tell me to slow down. Working full time, school, internships, photography, going to the gym full time. I always took on so much. I had so much energy and drive. It was a fire in me.

Now it’s gone. A piece of me has died, undoubtedly. And I question everything now. Most days I’m afraid to leave my house. And don’t. Unless it’s to work. If I do leave my house, it’s because I’m pushing myself, and I’m not well. My anxiety and depression are much worse. Chronic illness has also taken its toll on my mental health. It’s been draining trying to keep up with the world. I feel left behind. I’m not only mourning my health, and my abilities, but my passion in life, the one thing I worked so hard for. My future. And Photography. What do I do, if I can’t create anymore? What purpose do I have?

No one believes me, or think LC exists. And if I don’t “show up”, it’s because “she’s a flake”. I’m in such a dark place you may never understand. How do I navigate this life? Being sick every day.

[ben-talks-art]

We need to make "explain but doesn't excuse you" a more popular sentence

I was thinking back to my list of favorite characters, and how I have people like Rameses in it and thought to myself "Why do I like this guy again...?" and then I started to recall why I was so into his story, and honestly ended up liking him even more.

Something that I noticed about the way writers try to handle backstories nowadays, is that they love to use a sad past to make people be on a character's side and then proceed to absolve them of their crimes.

Like, we love redemption arcs, we love character development, we love bad guys turning good... But I feel like we might love it a bit too much, as if we were waiting to forgive a character for all they did before even getting to them realizing the mistakes they made.

People love picking a villain they're into and going "Oh, it's not their fault, it's because they were raised that way, it's because they were abused as kids, it's because they lost someone they loved, it's because society treated them like trash, it's because they never had friends, it's because their girlfriend dumped them on Christmas eve..." and so on.

There is an obsession with "My character did nothing wrong because their past justify their actions!"

And here's something people tend to forget. A past explains one's actions but doesn't justify it.

Being abused by society, being trained by terrible morals, being oppressed and attacked... they all explain why someone would think it's okay to hurt others, but doesn't actually justify them hurting others.

Just because we know why someone's doing all the things they do, doesn't make the stuff they do any less bad.

This is why I love Rameses. They show the human side of him, they show he wasn't just born evil, they show that he could have been a decent person if he just had the right people to raise him.

They could have so easily made him just a cartoon villain who happened to be born evil and take joy in making others suffer under his command, but no, they show how he became this way, how he went from just a regular kid to a tyrant unable to feel sorry for others' pain and suffering, who was so brainwashed by the traditions of his family that he couldn't even process the harm he was bringing to others and why he couldn't even see the slaves as actual people in agony.

And, again, what I like about this story is that they explain how he became this way, but they don't paint him as blameless. The story acknowledges that he has blood in his hands, even if he himself doesn't, and it makes sure that he pays for what he did, even if what he did was the result of a long process of terrible lessons being passed down by generations that he didn't start.

At some point he became an adult, he became free from his father's command, free to make his own choices, and free to listen to the right people, free to look at what his actions were causing...

He had agency for his choices... And he still made the wrong decisions.

I feel like if others tried to tell this story today, they would either have made Rameses more evil from the start so you wouldn't feel bad for the tragedy that befalls him, or they would give him some sort of realization where he thinks about the harm he did and develops a change of heart in the last second.

I keep thinking about how there was a group of people going "Azula did nothing wrong!" when the new live-action Avatar show started and they basically tried to move all the blame from her to her "big bad evil father."

It makes me wonder if they released Prince of Egypt today, if there would be some sort of revisionism where people would try to argue that Moses is the villain for "not saving his brother" or something like that.

To the point I'm beyond curious about how things are going to end up in Arcane, since that series has a very similar story with two siblings that ended up splitting apart and reuniting but realizing that they were completely different in the paths they chose to follow, with one trying to fix the errors from the past and the other embracing them and trying to view them as part of who they are.

Is Arcane gonna go all the way and make Jinx an irredeemable monster that needs to be taken down, or are they gonna try to pull a "deep down, Powder is still there!" stuff?

I really hope they don't. I hope they give her an ending similar to Rameses where he's defeated but doesn't even get the luxury to die, just left alone and powerless while watching his most beloved family member moving on with his life while he's still stuck in the past and suffering the consequences of his actions and realizing that he achieved nothing.

And what I especially like about his ending is that even at this point he still doesn't realize why he's being punished so much, just showing at full power the danger of ignorance and refusing to see what's right in front of you.

It would be a terrible tragedy, but I think it would make for a great message.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Meryl, Luida, and Bridging the Gap

This is just a quick little side-note I wanted to make about the similarities between Meryl and Luida that I noticed as I was reading, and how they end up occupying similar, yet complementing roles in the story.

***Disclaimer: I was sick when I wrote this and my head is full of fog lmao. If I have completely left out a word or something... don't even worry about it it's fine.

First off, on a surface level, they both are characterized as capable, intelligent, level-headed women, who are suddenly thrust into leadership positions, with Meryl being assigned the task of tracking down and mitigating the damage caused by Vash the Stampede plus looking out for her new protégé, Milly, and Luida stepping up to take charge of Ship 3 and its residents after Doc's death.

While the demand placed on them both is immense, nonetheless, they are shown to be quite capable of shouldering this kind of responsibility - however, given their intense focus and objective-driven personalities, they actually both get scenes where they are somewhat horrified by their own temporary prioritization of objectives over morality. We see this with Meryl in Trigun Volume 1 when she doesn't react in righteous anger to Badwick threatening his parents and had shut herself off from writing to her own in pursuit of her job, and with Luida when she briefly considers the idea of another July incident to stop Knives. Both think negatively of themselves for this - of course, I'm of the mind that since they are upset with themselves on reflection, this proves the exact opposite, really. I think they both have hearts of gold, they're just under a lot of stress, especially as time goes on. The two of them are human beings who falter, but whose morals ultimately align closely with what Vash wants to see in the world. Really, what the two of them hate most here is the idea of their own inaction or taking the easy way in the face of wrongdoing - a concept that drives them into action going forward.

[ID: Two images from Trigun and Trigun Maximum. The first is from Trigun Volume 1. Over images of trees and Badwick's father, Meryl says "But I... I just stood there and took it all in without even budging. I am such a cold person. I chose this path of blood and tears without thinking about the rest of my life. All I can see is what's right in front of me." Meryl starts to cry as she continues, "Why could I not see... that when I closed myself off to him, something was wrong? I..." She then slaps her cheeks and says "No... never mind!" The second image is from Trigun Maximum Volume 8. A single tear runs down Luida's cheek. Meryl says "Miss Luida...?" Her back turned to Meryl, Luida says "I'm sorry. I... was thinking for a moment. If something like July would happen again... it could stop Knives, but... ... I'm a terrible woman. End ID.]

Both of them also have a connection to Vash's past that gives them a different perspective on him as a person, instead of just an ally - Meryl, of course, gets brain-blasted in Volume 5 with Vash's memories (poor thing), but Luida is also more familiar with him than even a lot of the people on Ship 3, it seems - enough that she calls him out for blaming himself after the attack, clearly used to hearing this from him. She also is the one to clear up at least some of Wolfwood's confusion and uncertainty.

We also get this interesting parallel of them both watching Vash walk away to face Knives, him having rejected their offers of help. It's something that clearly saddens them both, as they watch him fight alone again and again, and wish he wouldn't. Both of them have moments where they feel they can't offer much in the way of assistance, or that their best efforts aren't enough.

[ID: Two images from Trigun and Trigun Maximum. The first is from Trigun Volume 2. Vash, his back turned, runs off into the chaos, a Plant seen above him and the city ahead, as he yells back "Get as far away from here as you can! Get to safety!" Meryl watches him from the door. In the second image, from Trigun Maximum Volume 8, a grainy flashback shows Vash's turned back as he walks away from a young Luida, who is reaching out to him. End ID.]

Of course, we the readers know this isn't true at all! Meryl and Luida do so much over the course of the story.

Interestingly, they don't start off as the ones completely in charge - Meryl works for Bernadelli even if she is in charge of her assignment, and Luida is presumably part of the Council, but the one in charge is initially Doc. But once they do take over - Luida after Doc's death, and Meryl once the world is thrown into ruins and Bernadelli no longer exists - there is a striking difference in the way they act from their predecessors.

Meryl goes from simply following Vash around to taking a self-directed and active role in assisting him however she can - looking for his old belongings and anything else of potential use, asking Marlon to repair his gun, creating a distraction with Milly, and helping the Earth Federation in the final hour with no hesitation.

Luida takes a much more active role in rallying Ship 3 to assist Vash as well. While some of this may simply have been because the stakes were raised much higher after Volume 3, Ship 3, while already a base of support for Vash, was a distant safe haven, kept largely separate from the rest of the world. Up until that point, they had provided Vash with aid, but not fought alongside him, something that clearly bothers Luida on multiple occasions. She decides to change this. She's the one who sets out to help as many of the towns ravaged by the Ark as possible. She rallies the Ship 3 residents for a rescue mission to help Vash. She's the one to step forward and attempt to bring all the leaders around to standing with Vash.

Which brings me to my last comparison point. They're both staunchly supportive of Vash, quick to come to his aid, and quick to defend his character from those who doubt his intent - Luida even sharply calls out her own people for their moment of mistrust after hearing about July. These two know and care about Vash on a more personal level than most - and as we all know, due to his avoidant tendencies, this is not an easy thing to do. Vash is frequently misinterpreted, and these two are often the ones to set the record straight.

[ID: A panel from Trigun Maximum Volume 3. Luida, sternly, says "That's a foolish question. You would know the answer just by looking at the scars on his body. If he had used his true immortality, those scars would not be there. End ID.]

In this way, much like Vash is a bridge between humans and Plants, Meryl and Luida are something of a bridge between humans and Vash.

And they're able to do this because deep down, their ideals align closely with his - they're not just supporting someone they care about; they have a similar desire to see the kind of world he fights for, and they choose to fight for it too.

But while Luida is something of a spokesperson for Vash, reaching out to humanity, it is almost as if Meryl becomes the voice of humanity reaching back, responding to him, and agreeing that not everything in the world is awful; that it is worth believing in the best in others. They need to stand together.

[ID: A panel from Trigun Maximum Volume 14. Meryl, in a spacesuit, with frank determination, says, "Because we decided to stand together. We stand with Vash the Stampede." End ID.]

Meryl is the voice of proof that some people believe in the love and peace he speaks of, and are willing to say it back to him in turn.

Updated on my masterpost - my other book club stuff can be found here!

[sad-scarred-sassy]

The post about Elain being spoiled and having choices.

I completely agree, she can always make choices, even when she was human Nesta let her choose someone Nesta didn't seem to like.

This is why I never believed that the sisters would deny Elain from being with Az if she wanted to.

But it reminded me so much of a period book that I still don't think it's completely wrong. In the period book, Mocinha chose her future husband Rationally and that she thought she wanted forever, but she was not in love with him.

Elain remembered this, because I really believe that she is taking the easy way out without big emotions and she knows it and this maybe even influences the fact that Feyre likes Az.

That she is afraid of the bond, of thinking that she is being forced and of the strong feelings that the bond provokes, so she sent the thought that she wants to control what she feels and maybe it is easier with someone who has no bond and seems to be trustworthy.

Maybe the almost kiss was an attempt to forget Lucien who was nearby or even deep down she wanted him to see it to make it easier not to face the bond that exists between the two.

She doesn't want to deal with the Bond in any way, even if it costs her a good relationship with someone who will be her partner for the rest of her life, even if they don't stay together, I believe they should have a relationship of friends or almost.

I think she left her sisters' expectations on her and that she doesn't know how to deal alone with decisions that are beyond her control and are so complicated that she looks for the easiest way out.

Az is a comfortable path.

Lucien is a path full of emotions and would need to reveal much more of himself.

Note: I still think that Feyre's feelings and the interference that Elucien suffered also contributed.

This is exactly how I think she is feeling and the thought process behind kissing Az.

I’m so excited for when we have her POV because it would clear up so many things and I believe its a TELL that we haven’t had anything said about the matter from her perspective in the last book and no POV from her.

I believe the thing with Az makes sense in her perspective. Her life was completely changed, all her agency overthrown, she lost all her friends, and had to leave without even saying goodbye. I wouldn’t say she was spoiled but out of the three sisters, she was the one who was actually happy where she was, even though it would have been a “small” life. On top of that she has now a mate that was revealed to her by the bond snapping the same night of the traumatic event. And with this mate came also Graysen’s ruthless rejection. I feel like it could be easy to put the blame on someone, even if you are as intelligent as Elain, it would be easy to resent the person who embodies all of her loss: Lucien.

As I’ve said before, the relationship with Lucien is literally the highest stakes relationship that she could possibly embark in because if it works out (and I have a feeling she knows he would be perfect for her) she would literally have a mate for life, adding to the list of things that she has to come to terms with since becoming fae, and that’s not even taking into account her possible feelings of resentment towards him (albeit not logical, feelings are feelings), or even her fear of possibly losing another person incredibly important to her if she were to open up to Lucien and something happened to him.

I believe that after all that loss I would also be reluctant to enter the most intense, life changing and soul-entwining relationship of my life. That sounds completely terrifying if I put myself in her shoes.

Az is not only the easy choice, their relationship has no strings attached, she knows he would not tell anyone if she wished it, she knows he probably would be “using” her too because not long ago he was still caught up with Mor. I think Elain is smart enough to tell he wasn’t in love with her.

She could be kissing him for a lot of different reasons (these are all theories): her wanting to regain control of her life, her wanting to prove to herself and to others that a mating bond’s pull can be overturned if she wished it, her self sabotaging her possible relationship with Lucien because she doesn’t want to give in to the thing that she knows will give her happiness, but would also mean she has given up to the circumstances, that she gave up who she used to be, she let them all win. Her probably thinking Az likes her for who she is, rather than how she probably thinks Lucien only is interested in her because of the bond (which is heartbreaking because we KNOW Azriel is fixated on Elain’s bond).

Anyway, I’m not saying she doesn’t like Az and that she is 100% using him for her agenda, no. I think Elain is very much going through it, even two years later, she is still struggling and I think its so crazy to think otherwise, especially when she is to have her own book. Azriel was the one to show her attention other than Lucien, but Elain probably sees Az’s attention as genuine and not tied to any bond.

The almost kiss and rejection from Az served again as another tension point between her and Lucien. Lucien was there that night, did he notice? Elain also now has to deal with a second rejection that she probably didn’t see coming, and she will probably realize it had to do with her mating bond with Lucien, adding to the resentment she could probably be harboring, not to Lucien as an individual but to their bond.

I can’t wait for when all this gets brought to the surface. Their relationship is so complex and this was only on Elain’s side, we have a whole can of worms from Lucien’s side as well.

Their relationship is nothing if not filled with angst and pent up emotions and suppressed instincts and I cant wait for these two to unravel onto eachother, to explode and erupt and finally say and do everything they have been keeping under their controlled personalities.

[dualityvn]

Slightly tears up, before motioning for Keith to step even closer

"Oh, flowerboy

I may not be able to touch you more than I already have for today, I'm sorry. But let it be so you will be forced to hear me clearly.

Tenebris will never scare me away. Hell, even when confronted with him, I chose to face my fears and speak my mind. Sure, I could have probably found a way to get him to switch back. Yet I wanted him to know the truth. I didn't want him to doubt for a second longer my intentions towards you. And yes it was a silly idea, it could have gone terribly bad, but I don't regret it one bit. You may not care right now much, but I do. I want one day for tenebris to actually approve of me being in a relationship with you. And I won't stop until he is finally forced to acknowledge my efforts in this connection with you and my love for you in the future. It's a silly notion, but one that forces me to try harder every time.

For you deserve to be with someone who will one day cast away any doubts you have and love you for you. And although I don't know Tenebris that much and he scares the living hell out of me, I know I can trust him that should I ever be truly unfit for you, he'll either beat some sense to me or force us apart until I realize my mistakes and come back to you. Because Keith Madden, us being together is inevitable. All paths that I can take right now, no matter how different, will always lead me back to you.

And I'm not sure, for me it sounds way too easy to put the blame all on tenebris. What if those people you did meet just weren't the ones? If the foundations between two people were so strong as you believe, would they easily be as broken as they are as of now? Tenebris scared the living hell out of me as well, probably in the worst situation he has ever done so far judging by the context, yet I'm still sitting here with you. I'm standing right next to you, chest to chest, even though for all I know he could come out at any time. Why do you think that is?

You're so silly and oblivious, flower boy. I could have literally run away while you were waiting for me, I could have made an excuse and left. You wouldn't have done anything, and we both know it. So, why do you think, I'm placing my own life right between your hands? Why am I allowing myself to be this vulnerable with you, knowing full well where it led me in the past?

Because I already trust you, silly. I trust your words, I trust your every action. I trust you, Keith Madden. Maybe more than myself at times. Why else would I even move into your guys' house despite Tenebris. Even though, we barely have placed a label and undoubtedly have gone on zero dates. Naivety? Perhaps. And maybe it's really too soon to give my trust to you this freely, but something deep down tells me I won't regret this.

And if there is one thing I know, it's that my gut feeling has never been wrong. It won't start being wrong about a guy who is so kind, sweet, understanding towards me, even when I majorly fuck up. A man who spends hours making sure his plants are properly cared for and makes a list of every single thing I dislike or like. The type of guy that reads books in his spare time somehow without getting bored while also somehow tolerating the horrible puns I make.

So no, Keith Madden, I fear you're stuck with me for the foreseeable and unforeseeable future. And maybe it's about time, you start getting used to it. I'm unfortunately staying right where I am, next to you. Through thick and thin. There's nothing you can do that will push me away, and I will gladly spend all my remaining days on earth repeating those words until you believe them as the truth, all on your own."

"I- I don't know what to say. For a while, I thought you were coming around and helping out because you wanted to make up for what you said before. I mean... I was really hoping you felt this way, but I thought it was false hope. But... but I do want to be together! And go on dates. I would've asked sooner, I just wasn't sure. I didn't want to rush you." - Keith

[manawari]

~ Lifeguard!Byung-gyu × Lee Ju-hee ~

After months of endless work at the hospital, Lee Ju-hee finally broke free from the chains as she embarked on a trip to the beach with her friends. In the midst of joy and carefree moments, a certain lifeguard suddenly caught her eye.

"We're here!"

"Oh my God, I missed this place!"

"Hee-jin, quickly get the camera!"

"I can't wait to put on my new swimsuit!!"

"I wonder if there are any cute boys around. . . "

"Ye-rim! I thought this vacation was going to be about ourselves only?" Ju-hee playfully chastised her friend. "Think about boys for some other time."

"Wow, Dr. Lee Ju-hee has definitely signed off, huh?" Ye-rim snickered.

"Can you blame me? I have been waiting for this trip for a year!"

"Sweetheart, aren't we all?" Gina grinned from the driver's seat. "Mr. Choi was kind enough to let Bora and I take a few days off."

Lee Bora laughed. "I can't believe we left Ki-hoon alone!"

"He can handle anything, Bora. And he wants to be promoted, remember? Take it as us doing him a favor."

"Right."

Ju-hee chuckled along, resting her chin on her hand as she leaned closer to the open window, allowing the wind to brush against her like a mirthful embrace. It felt different than when she was in the city — the wind was fresh and no responsibilities chained around her mind. Well, Ju-hee had set them aside on purpose, choosing to spend her short vacation with moments she would cherish forever.

Gina maneuvered the van into one of the available parking spaces and the girls climbed out, bringing along their bags to make their way to the reception. Hee-jin conversed with the receptionist about the cabin she had reserved.

"Se-mi and Ji-woo would've loved to be here," said Bora. "Sadly, organizing schedules with your friends as an adult is tough."

"Then let's go here again next time," Gina suggested. "If they can't still be available, I'll drag them here myself."

Indeed, it was difficult. Ju-hee had missed several trips due to her med school, choosing to focus on her path toward her career above the desire to create new happy memories. She couldn't remember the last time she found herself in such a paradise called the beach.

Hee-jin returned to the group with the key in her hand. Ye-rim squealed in excitement and grabbed her friend's arm, urging her to take the lead to where their cabin was located. Palm trees swayed lazily amidst the warm, fragrant breeze that carried the scent of saltwater and flowers, pristine white sand stretched throughout the place, glowing beneath the inviting sunlight, and the waves rolled over the shore in rhythmic whispers, leaving the sand drenched in its wake and foams sparkling as it retreated to the sea.

Mingled laughter echoed and a symphony of birds chirped, weaving into the blissful atmosphere. Beach cabins and huts added a fine touch for those who wished to be closer to the sea. The girls arrived at their designated cabin — the place accommodated two beds, though mattresses were available in the closet for those who could not fit in the beds.

Once they settled their bags and luggage, the girls quickly brought out their swimwear, getting ready for the sea instead of a few moments to rest after hours of ceaseless driving. It was clear their excitement got the best of them. While Ju-hee had brought out her brown halterneck swimsuit, she still chose to wear her jean shorts, not quite fond of showing a complete expanse of her legs. The swimsuit only managed to cover her chest, leaving a portion of her stomach exposed, and it also embraced her figure like a second skin.

"Wow, you got some sweet figure there, Ju-hee!" Gina remarked, spraying perfume on her strawberry-blonde hair. She was already clad in her two-piece outfit, accentuating her curves.

Ju-hee blushed at the compliment. "Well, not as good as yours, Gina."

"Nonsense! Everyone looks so pretty right now!" Ye-rim chirped, clad in a floral bikini. "Oh my God, we should look for a nice flower to put on you, Hee-jin!"

"Maybe later. I don't want to soak the poor flower the second we jump into the water." Hee-jin chuckled.

"Let's go look for seashells too!" Bora exclaimed, tying a purple band around her hair, matching her outfit. "I saw some pictures on the resort's page, and I wanna see if they are true. And hopefully, we'll bring home for each of us, and Se-mi and Ji-woo too."

Her friends agreed ecstatically.

The group soon exited their cabin, giggling once their feet touched the scorching sand. Ju-hee's heart raced rapidly as she made her way to the sea as if hearing it call her name, and the happiness had never overflowed so hard.

Water splashed upon their weight and the waves collided with their skin. Ye-rim plunged into the saltwater and started splashing Gina, who immediately retaliated. Ju-hee laughed until she felt her arm being grabbed by Hee-jin, who was smirking as she dragged her across the waves. Ju-hee yelped and fought against her friend's grip, only then to have Bora rush in to push her into the water.

She resurfaced and coughed out the water. Hee-jin and Bora laughed, making her glare icily at them, so Ju-hee grabbed Bora's wrist to bring her down. She turned to Hee-jin this time, the raven-haired woman held her hands up and told her to not do it, but Ju-hee wouldn't allow Hee-jin to keep her hair dry when the rest already had been soaked.

"Nope!" She grabbed Hee-jin by the wrist, causing her friend to protest.

Eventually, Hee-jin crashed into the water, with Bora laughing at her as she floated. The group of friends played under the cloudless sky, the sun was at its peak, and not a tinge of worry lingered in their minds, breaking free from reality to appreciate the beauty of their paradise.

Suddenly, a splash collided with both of their bodies. Ju-hee instinctively pulled her niece close and looked up, spotting a man running across the water and eventually diving into the sea.

A few moments later, Ju-hee found herself on the shore, letting the waves lap over her feet. Gina, Ye-rim, Hee-jin, and Bora had begun to search for seashells, to which Ju-hee elected to sit out to take a break, yet she promised them to join once she restored her stamina. In the meantime, she drew her finger across the sand, forming shapes and doodles.

"My son!"

A wail from a mother caught her attention. Ju-hee raised her head and saw a small crowd gathering, surrounding the woman, who was crying her heart out for her child. Curiously, Ju-hee stood up and made her way to the crowd, just in time to spot a lifeguard emerging from the waves, striding to the shore with a kid in his arms.

"Don't worry, ma'am, your kid's going to be fine!" The man said to the woman, bringing the kid over to gently place him on the dry ground. The lifeguard parted the kid's mouth and lowered his ear, sensing if there were any signs of breathing, then he put his hands on top of each other, curling his fingers to the front, and pressed them onto the chest.

Ju-hee watched in bated breath whilst the lifeguard began to pound the unconscious child's chest. The mother sobbed, afraid of her son's fate. As much as the beach was fun, there could be risks underneath, especially with the sea that could drag a person to its depths.

Finally, the young boy let out a gasp and the lifeguard placed his hand on his back, helping him rise and allowing him to cough the air and bits of water clogged in his lungs. The mother cried out her son's name and rushed to pull him into her arms, cradling him gently.

Ju-hee sighed in relief, smiling at the sweet moment between the mother and her son. She was glad that the kid had survived. The lifeguard stood up and walked in her direction, only to have her heart skip a beat, seeing his athletic build and the droplets of water glistening under the sun. His fingers combed through his sleek black hair. It was as if she was seeing the Greek God Apollo himself. . . But before she could think of anything else, their bodies bumped in contact.

"Oh, sor—" her sentence fell short. Ju-hee realized the placement of her hand on the lifeguard's firm chest, causing her to flush in embarrassment. She turned away and intertwined her fingers on her front as she stared at the mother and son to distract herself until the lifeguard finally walked away.

What the heck just happened to you, Ju-hee?! She scolded herself.

Min Byung-gyu had a deep love for the sea. It brought him peace and warmth. The sound of the waves splashing the shore was music to his ears, as well as the distant chirps of the soaring birds in the sky. His profession as a lifeguard gifted him that opportunity, but also being there to help someone in need as the sea could be more than just its beauty — it could be someone's biggest fear.

To be a lifeguard meant dedicating one's life to the safety of others, ensuring that everyone was safe on the beach while they enjoyed the sun. It brought him joy to see people having the time of their lives on the beach, enjoying the place as much as he did.

The wind carried a cool breeze as the sun was beginning to set. Byung-gyu dismissed his position from the lifeguard tower and brought his clean shirt along as he dismounted from the ladder. Some people had begun to retreat to their respective accommodations for a rest, and he too deserved a rest after watching the beach since sunrise.

Hmm, a historical movie? Maybe a box of ice cream or ramyeon on the side? He wondered.

Then, his eyes caught something. A young woman sat alone in a tree trunk, draped in a white cardigan that hung above her shorts. It took a second for Byung-gyu to remember her as the one whom he had bumped into earlier, and needless to say, she was pretty too — long, sleek ginger hair with fair skin, and striking blue eyes that bore semblance to the sea and sky.

He had never seen such beautiful eyes.

His footsteps began to make a beeline toward her, greeting. "Hey there, miss."

She looked up and their eyes instantly met. "Er, hello." The woman said.

"You seem all by yourself. Did you come alone to this beach?"

"Oh, no, I didn't." She kindly shook her head with a small smile. "I actually came with my friends. They're back at the cabin we are staying in, but I decided to head out and see the sunset. I've never seen the sun like this before in Seoul."

"You came for a vacation?"

She nodded. "Yep! Work has been tough ever since I graduated from med school."

"Med school? Congrats!" Byung-gyu smiled. "I used to study medicine too, also first aid, but I decided to pursue being a lifeguard."

"Really?"

"Yeah—" He paused, gesturing his hand on the spot next to her. "May I?"

"Sure."

Byung-gyu sat down and flashed her a smile then continued. "I like being at the beach. It's peaceful. And being a lifeguard has both of the two things I want to do — help people in need and the place itself."

"I understand the feeling," she smiled. "As much as I would love to live in a place like this, I still prefer to stay in the hospital where I can save lives."

"Impressive," he grinned. "Oh, I'm Min Byung-gyu, by the way."

"Lee Ju-hee."

Lee Ju-hee. He took note of it in his mind. "Beautiful name, Ms. Lee."

Her cheeks reddened. Identical to how he had seen her when her hand accidentally went to his chest. However, given the growing darkness in the sky, the color wasn't as prominent, but it did not stop Byung-gyu from chuckling.

"Have you seen that lifeguard over there? He looks cute!"

"Why is he staring at us?"

"No, he's not!" Ye-rim told Gina, who had a blunt expression on her face. She giggled. "He's looking at Ju-hee!"

"Wait, what?"

"Come again??" Both Bora and Hee-jin looked at Ye-rim in question.

Ju-hee, on the other hand, chose to ignore her friends and pretended she wasn't hearing anything. She proceeded to pad her hands across the water as she sat on the stone. The girls chattered amongst themselves, giggling even, and it made her roll her eyes in chagrin; who cares if Byung-gyu was staring at her? It could be that he was merely doing his job, watching over people at the sea.

"Watch this— Ju-hee! Wave your hand!" Ye-rim told her.

Ju-hee glared at her friend. "No."

"Come on. . . " Ye-rim pouted.

"Come on, Ju-hee! It's only a test." Hee-jin chimed in.

She sighed. No result would come out if she kept protesting and her friends nagging her. Ju-hee shifted on the stone and looked in the distance, noticing Byung-gyu from his seat at the tower. Her lips curled into a small smile and raised her hand to wave.

He reciprocated the gesture.

Her friends burst into squeals. Lee Bora began to splash her and Ju-hee used her hands to shield herself from the attacks, yet fully aware that her defenses were futile.

Ju-hee eventually left her friends and swam back to the shore. The waves rolled over her ankles as her feet left marks on the sand, she made her way to the deckchair where her and her friends' belongings had been kept. Grabbing her sheer cardigan, Ju-hee pulled it across her arms and tied the hem on the front of her stomach; her black halter bra could still be seen through the thin fabric, but she paid no mind and went for the long white sarong to knot around her waist.

"Hey!"

She turned around and smiled. "Byung-gyu."

"What's up? Your friends didn't tease you much, hm?" He snickered, lifting his sunglasses to his forehead. This time, he was shown in a grey compress shirt with the resort's logo.

Ju-hee scoffed. "Don't mind them. I just left because I am thirsty and craving coconut juice."

"Want me to accompany you?"

She flashed him a funny look. "Aren't you supposed to be on duty, Mr. Lifeguard?"

"I'm not the only lifeguard here," Byung-gyu rolled his eyes.

"Still. I can handle myself." Ju-hee winked at him. "Now, if you excuse me—"

"How about later?" Byung-gyu stepped in to block her path. "Sundown? After my shift?"

"Uh. . . What for?"

"A swim, perhaps? It's been a while since I swam without the intention of rescue." He shrugged. "C'mon! Unless you have other plans with your friends. . . "

She had. There was a band arriving at the beach for a small concert, Lee Bora urged everyone to go watch the live performance, and obviously, they all agreed to go. Ju-hee was also thrilled when she heard the news, she had been listening to the band for so long and knowing they would soon have a concert in the same place as her for free, it was like a chance of a lifetime.

But here she was. . . Min Byung-gyu just invited her to hang out with him.

This trip is about you and your friends only, Ju-hee. A voice spoke in her mind. You cannot simply break it just because a cute guy asked you out! Fight the urge—

"I'll see you then." Words inevitably came out of her mouth before she could stop herself.

Byung-gyu smiled widely. "Alright. Meet me at the shore?"

"O— okay." Ju-hee almost stammered. She quickly walked past him and her hands curled against her skirt, grasping for self-control, but her heartbeat pounded against her ribcage so fast to the point it could break through.

She couldn't believe she had chosen to ditch her friends and one of her favorite bands for a lifeguard.

Lee Ju-hee came up with a plan.

First, she would come along with her friends to the stadium where the band would be performing. Second, she would stick around for a few moments or songs until she came up with an excuse to leave the concert. Third, and lastly, she would meet up with Byung-gyu at the shore.

God knows what would happen if she told her friends that the guy they had been teasing her about was the reason. . .

People gathered at the stadium and several of them were already cheering for the band members even though the show hadn't officially started yet. Ju-hee squeezed through the crowd behind her friends as they searched for a good spot to view the stage.

The show finally began. The audience sang along as the group raised the lively atmosphere, encouraging everyone to dance to the music and feel the rhythm with them. But all Ju-hee could think of was Byung-gyu, wondering if he had already been waiting for her at the shore, she glanced at her friends, guilt nibbling in her chest as she was about to move on to her next step.

"Uh, Hee-jin?" She tapped her friend's shoulder. Hee-jin gave her a confused look, and judging the atmosphere around them, Ju-hee leaned up to whisper in her ear. "I don't feel good. Do you mind if I head back to the cabin and rest?"

Hee-jin frowned. "Aw, Ju-hee. . . "

"Sorry!"

"No, it's okay! It must be from what you ate earlier. Go, I'll record some videos for you, so you can see what you missed." Hee-jin encouraged her. "Just don't forget to take meds, alright?"

Ju-hee smiled. "Thank you."

Squeezing Hee-jin's hand in gratitude, Ju-hee left and snuck through the crowd of people to get to the exit. The noise faded from her eardrums as she walked farther, bringing relief to surge through her veins, followed by excitement.

She saw his silhouette where the waves touched the shore. Ju-hee took a deep breath and tucked a strand of her hair behind her hair as she approached him. The sky was painted in hues of purple, pink, and gold, as the sun was dipping from the horizon, casting a soft glow across the sea, and the waves whispered gently upon the shore.

The wind had grown colder, hinting at the arrival of the beautiful night. Ju-hee couldn't help but stare at the ethereal sight of the sea, shimmering under the last rays of sunlight, a magical and delicate mix between the farewell of day and the greetings of the evening.

"Byung-gyu." She finally spoke.

He whirled his head over his shoulder. "Ju-hee. Wow, you looked quite dressed."

"I was at the concert with my friends," she shrugged. She had a white blouse and a pretty black skirt, which swayed against her hips in the soft breeze. "But I planned to stay there for a while since I made a promise. You don't have to feel bad or anything, Byung-gyu, as it's completely my decision. It doesn't matter if I missed anything or not."

"Well, I won't be held responsible if you regretted anything from the concert," he flashed her a grin.

Ju-hee rolled her eyes. "I doubt I'd do."

Byung-gyu chuckled. He twitched his head as if in signal. "Come with me."

And so, she followed him. Ju-hee increased her pace to walk closely alongside Byung-gyu. Silence wrapped them like a blanket, comfortable and not a tinge of tension between them. . . Only a few inches separating their hands — Ju-hee noticed, but she suppressed the urge to link their fingers together. She wondered if his hands were warm, contrasting against the cold atmosphere, or soft enough when held.

She flinched upon realizing what she was thinking. Control your thoughts, Ju-hee.

Byung-gyu brought her to an area behind the large stone on the shore, revealing a stone path toward the sea. Waves crashed against the rocks with a harmonic, soothing cadence, yet harder than in the sand. As Ju-hee observed it, she suddenly caught Byung-gyu in the middle of taking his shirt off. . . But it was too late for her to look away now. The fading sunlight traced the fine contours of shoulders, subtly glowing down to the evident muscles in his arms and his torso.

Tossing his shirt aside, Byung-gyu sprinted forward and lunged for a dive into the sea, staying underneath for a few seconds before submerging. He released a quick gasp and ran his hands to his hair, sweeping it to the back of his neck.

"You can sit over here since I forgot to tell you to bring spare clothes." He pointed at the rock near them. Byung-gyu moved his hand to the back of his neck bashfully. "My bad."

"Don't worry, I— uh, I am actually wearing a swimsuit underneath." She blushed. "Just in case!"

Byung-gyu smiled. "Alright then."

To her surprise, he turned around to let her take off her clothes. Ju-hee's heart fluttered, knowing she'd be completely uncomfortable if someone watched her strip clothes, and since he had given her space, it made her feel some things.

Ju-hee slipped out from her sandals and discarded her blouse and skirt together on the ground, leaving her in a halterneck swimsuit she had worn on her first swim at the beach. She held onto the rock as she carefully stepped down on the stone beneath her feet, the water increased to her chest-length when she padded toward Byung-gyu, tapping him on the shoulder.

"Hey," he told her softly. "So, wanna let me show you something?"

"What is it?"

"It's one of the things I learned when I was training to be a lifeguard. Do you know how to float?"

"Uh. . . No, I do not."

"Good. In situations when a person is found drowning, we usually tow them to safety and make sure their throat is protected. Here, let me—" he waded closer to her and extended his arms. "Don't worry, I'll be holding you the entire time."

In a bated breath, Ju-hee grasped onto his forearms, her nails digging into his skin as he began to wade through the water, away from the shore.

"S— shit—" she cursed, no longer feeling the stones under her feet.

"Hey, hey, it's alright! I got you." Byung-gyu's soothing voice exuded through her senses. His thumbs rubbed her soft skin in reassurance. Ju-hee jutted her chin forward to keep the water's surface from rising higher, somehow struggling as she had nothing to stand upon, only relying on the man in front of her for dear life. "Now, let the water carry you. Float."

"H— how?"

Byung-gyu shook his head and changed his position, shifting to the other side. Ju-hee instantly clung her arms to his neck, watching him move gently until she felt his hand under her legs, lifting her weight to the surface. She didn't fight against it anymore and allowed herself to be light.

"Just relax," he whispered. "It will be easier for the water to carry you if you're calm. Simply put, the sea will treat you the way you treat it — if you panic, it'll bring you down. But if you're calm and trust the waves, the sea will take care of you."

Ju-hee nodded. His hand glided away and her legs remained afloat. His touch returned to her forearm, finding herself relaxing for once. She exhaled softly through her nostrils.

"See? With conscious victims, we try to calm them down first, earning their trust and reassuring them that they'll be saved." Byung-gyu explained. "The only time we take desperate measures is if the victim keeps panicking. But in your case, you have done well."

"Have you—" she swallowed to keep her voice steady. "Have you done this with someone else? Just curious."

"Nope."

"Really? Are you not joking? As in, not at all, Byung-gyu?"

"Uh, why should I lie?" Byung-gyu raised an eyebrow. Then, he let out a smirk. "What would you do if I said yes?"

Ju-hee glared at him deadly. "I don't hang out with guys who like to entertain multiple girls, Byung-gyu."

"It's the truth! Don't tell me you strike me that way, Ju-hee. I'm anything but that — my mom raised me to be a gentleman."

"Fine," she grumbled. "The way you act seems like you easily capture attention from ladies. Charming them effortlessly and all that."

"Lee Ju-hee, do you find me attractive?" Byung-gyu jested. "If that's the case, then I have successfully captured your attention, yes?"

Ju-hee turned away, choosing not to respond. She didn't know if she could give him the obvious answer — yes, right the second you showed up! Her heart screamed. She came for a vacation, to build new happy memories, not to find herself infatuated with someone. . . But heavens, all it had to take was a mere lifeguard to sway her off her feet.

"You intrigue me, you know?" He murmured. The way his breath was close to her ear brought shivers down her spine, causing her to tremble "It's like in historical dramas, you're a princess who hailed from a wealthy kingdom who wished to break free from responsibilities and choose her happiness for once."

"How accurate."

"It really is," he chuckled. "So it's no wonder why I found myself drawn to you."

Same here. Butterflies swarmed her stomach. She sighed. "I won't stay long here. After this night, I'll be leaving with my friends to go back to the city."

"I see no problem with that." Ju-hee opened her mouth to protest and Byung-gyu cut her off. "I'll leave my number in a sticky note next to your cabin's door for you to see once you leave."

"Byung-gyu. . . "

"Hm?"

Ju-hee ended up shaking her head. "Nothing. Let's swim instead of lingering here."

She brought down her legs and languidly turned around, trailing her hands across his shoulders. A rosemary scent wafted to her nose, mixed with a salty undertone and coconut. Her heart almost skipped a beat when he held her waist, though Ju-hee masked it with a confident look, letting out a giggle, and plunged down past him, dragging his hand along with her. Byung-gyu easily joined her under the currents, entering a world of their own where nobody could see them, hands linked and hearts intertwined.

It was a moment Ju-hee would never forget. There had been a lot of memories formed at the beach, but the ones with Byung-gyu were her favorite.

"Boy, are we really leaving already?" Ye-rim sighed, zipping her bag closed. "I don't want to go back to work just yet. . . "

Hee-jin laughed. "Relax, Ye-rim. We'll go back soon."

"Unless you want to lose your job," Gina joked. "Just think that these past two days have been a blast!"

"Next time, we'll take a leave for a week. Oh! Should we look for a new resort?" Lee Bora piped up. "This one looks so beautiful, but I want to travel more!"

"Sounds like a great idea! What do you— where are you going, Ju-hee?"

"I'll just be heading out for a bit," said Ju-hee, making her way to the door. She pulled the knob open and looked around until her eyes fell on a small box on the floor.

Smiling, she made her way over and peeled the paper from the top; it had the written contact number of Byung-gyu and a small note that read 'don't forget me! ;) hope you'll like the present I got for you inside the box.'. Ju-hee glanced at the box and took the lid open, causing her eyes to widen at the sight of its content.

A big, beautiful seashell nestled upon a clustered chiffon fabric. Shades of nacreous white blended perfectly with pinks and soft streaks of lavender. It gleamed under the sunlight, highlighting its polished texture created by the ocean; a natural masterpiece. The ridges extended across the surface and the curves inwardly rolled inside of the shell, adding depth to its magnificent form, as well as seashell's spiraled edge — sprinkled with brown specks — to complete the overall essence.

Ju-hee parted her lips in surprise, holding a beautiful seashell as big as this felt as if a gemstone was in her hands. She stood up and glanced at the distance, catching none other than Min Byung-gyu himself. He wore that crooked grin on his face whilst his sunglasses sat on the bridge of his nose, shielding his eyes from the stark sunlight, and his hand held a life buoy by his hip.

Another lifeguard approached him, nudging him to the sea as if ushering him to get to work. Ju-hee chuckled, tucking the seashell closer to her, giving it a light squeeze. She could only hope for fate to bring her and Byung-gyu together soon, if not, one day.

And if that day ever came, Ju-hee wouldn't mind having another swim with him.

[just-plenty-of-prompts]

Hurt Prompt list

"You said you would always be by my side, so why are you helping them?"

"You've lost your usefulness."

"I've never had anyone's help, I don't need it now!"

"you chased me away, don't come crawling back to me now."

"Pull the trigger, I don't care."

"I might not be willing to kill myself, but that doesn't mean I'm all that willing to live."

"I'm not good enough? I was good enough when you needed a sacrifice."

"So I'm going to die? I survived longer than I thought I would."

"The only person I blame is myself. I shouldn't have been so blind."

"I'm stronger than last time, but you still managed to break me again."

"You like playing games, and you don't care about the victims of those games; even when they're your own best friends."

"Hate? I never hated you, I hated what you did to me."

"Just go, we both know I'll never be your first choice."

"I chose this path! There was no one to help me when I needed it! and this was the best way to help myself!"

"Pain is something you get used to, you know? Like breathing. eventually, you don't really realise it's happening."

"Kill everyone I love? You're a bit too late for that one."

"A demon, a monster, a beast. It's funny how they call me these things, but if it were true, they'd already be dead at my feet."

"Sorry doesn't fix death darling."

"If you'd told us and given us a chance, then maybe things wouldn't have gone so wrong. It's your fault!"

"Hurts doesn't it? Having the person you love walk away. At least she didn't leave you for dead, like you did to me."

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[angelic-omega]

An analysis of myself and the characters I relate to that nobody asked for but I totally recommend doing!!

Just a warning it’s kinda sad but I needed to know how I could relate to all these seemingly very different characters and I am a SCIENTIST!!

A: Fussy, Posh, Foodies who have claim to have high standards. Eclectic with very niche interests such as literature, classic music, ancient history, wine, roleplay, slight of hand, tartan, dim lighting, statues, and being old men who can’t work modern technology. Both prefer to do things the old fashioned way and have a distaste for anyone unnecessarily rude. Both are too polite and have a reputation of being polite so they won’t speak their mind in person but will find a way to get that person on the right path later.

B: Religiously traumatized people pleasers who always try to do the right thing and always get hurt for it. Kind, caring, and gentle souls who are forced to change to better humanity. Actually an eldritch creature trying to pass as human and despite being as courteous as possible are still slightly unnerving at times. Think they are being smooth but aren’t and both are clearly in love with their bad boy, car obsessed, classic rock and roll best friends. Both are actually really intelligent in their own ways but are perceived as stupid and infantilized. Chronic insomniacs who either forget to sleep or simply don’t want to sleep. Give the best cuddles and you can’t change my mind.

C: Forced to be strong and fight when all they ever wanted was peace and to be left alone. Queens of making poor decisions when it comes to relationships. Chosen as leaders because of their strength they didn’t chose to have. Just want to live a gentle, carefree life but now have ptsd and can’t. Protective of their siblings and have a strong sense of justice.

D: soldiers who did some bad things and now blame themselves for all the pain they caused. Nightmares of them hurting people that then make them think they are a bad person and don’t deserve kindness. Lost a part of themselves trying to survive and will never get it back.

E: Experienced with knives and have a staring problem. Both shut off in a physical fight and get eerily calm as a trauma response. Both could easily snap and kill someone if pushed but mostly keep to themselves so long as no one goes out their way to piss them off. Unintentionally hurt those they love most because they can’t express an emotion in a healthy way to save their life

F: 100% chance they secretly love wearing dresses because they are pretty and comfortable. shy and soft spoken in the streets but absolutely freaks in the sheets~ bisexual but everyone just calls them fruity little gay men including themselves

G: Will say they are going to do as you’ve asked them but if they don’t agree with it are going to not do what you asked them to do. Stubborn divas who you cannot make betray their hearts. Always on some sort of secret mission and always having something up their sleeve they are keeping from everyone just to reveal it dramatically at the right time.

H: Brainwashed and gaslit so hard they don’t even know what they want out of life anymore

I: Are jokingly mean as a flirting tactic

J: All definitely still have a working land line and a desk top computer. Take their taxes seriously.

K: All have been through past trauma and abuse which caused them to act and behave in ways that felt out of character. Could never be true to themselves and cannot catch a break. Could have really had their shit together if it wasn’t for circumstance but nonetheless are trying to make things right because deep DEEP down they are good people…they just end up making bad decisions because they don’t know how to emote. Authority issues out the ass but somehow all bottoms…(idk if they are or not but it’s funny to say) definitely all have PTSD and definitely feel like a failure because they can’t heal from their trauma.

[sunshinechay]

I finally finished For Him and I honestly wish it was a better show because it has one of the better representations of mental health struggles I’ve seen in a while. Intentionally or no, it had the message that if you feel you need it, seek help, that there are people who want to help you, regardless of who you are or what you have done.

Him’s mental illness is not specified but I think it’s a safe bet to go with depression. He blamed himself for Blue’s death and sank into that feeling. Rather than judge him or further blame him, his mother instead begs him to get help, to see a doctor. And he does. Lots of the time that doesn’t happen and the character in question (in this case Him) either continues to struggle or after a while is just magically cured, never to struggle again.

But Him gets help and what’s more is the narrative never blames him for needing help. The only people who look down on him for needing help are the antagonists (Te and Type). An enormous emphasis is placed on Him keeping up with his medication, with his therapy appointments. Everyone who cares for him wants Him to get better, to continue to get help if and when he needs it. It is refreshing to see and I hate that it’s buried in a story that makes little sense.

Even Blue’s suicide was done rather well or at least what I could watch of it, which was most of it.* Suicide is often a spur of the moment action. While people may think about it and there are people who makes plans right down to the day and time, more often it is just decided on in the moment. Blue struggled and in the end, he couldn’t keep going.

Blue and Him are two possible paths that a person can take. A fork in the road where each chose a different path, a path that felt right for them. Regardless of where they ended up, they had that choice to make.

I wish For Him was a better show because I love that message. I love the message that at a certain point, you need to make a choice. I won’t judge Blue for making the choice he did, he felt it was the right thing to do for him. Him chose a different path and thus the story happened. However it’s buried in a narrative that makes little sense and is a little exhausting after a while. Not many want to wade through the bs to get to that kind of message and I get that. I usually wouldn’t want to either. I only tried because I loved Nail, and surprised myself by finding this message hidden under all of it. It’s there and I wish it was louder.

*Suicide and suicide attempts are about the only thing I can’t watch without feeling sick and needing to stop so I had to skip through some of the scene.

[askdeoxys]

“I’ll be honest with ya, Deo: I don’t care. Hey! Don’t blame me though! I’m just tired of hearing about it. I mean, no offense, but we get it,” Kujo stated pointedly, a wry yet somehow apologetic smile on his face. It was a statement that instantly killed the conversation at the table which the Hoopa took note of. “..What? All three of us are thinking it! Don’t give me that look..,” he would add with an awkward rubbing of his neck- a guilt beginning to creep up on him. 

“...” Deo fell silent. He wasn’t necessarily angry because Kujo simply said what Deo had already thought, but he still knew not how to respond. “My bad. We can move on.” No longer with the desire to gamble, Deo threw his cards into the middle of the table to allow for his two acquaintances to continue without him. 

Dioxys looked between the two, unsure of how to broach the tension in the air. For now, he chose to lay his cards on the table and pour the three another round of drinks with his idle psychic touch. He watched the glasses and bottle dance in the air while he mulled over his words, and Kujo would be the one to address the tension in the interim. 

“SOooooo.., D’,” the Hoopa started as he looked over at the yellow alien, “In lighter news, Deo and I were talking the other day. Why don’t you say something to Cherri?” He knew the question was extremely pointed, of course, but it would distract the pair with ease. Or, so he thought. Regardless, he grabbed one of the newly poured glasses from the air and shot it back at once. 

“You were talking about me, Deo?” Dioxys asked with a cold glare, though his gaze could have burned a hole through his orange acquaintance, “I thought I made it very clear how I detest you talking of me without my knowledge?” 

Forced to shunt Kujo’s slight to the back of his mind, Deo shrugged broadly, “But, hear me out. Aren’t you impressed that I can talk about something other than myself?” With desire to deflect in the conversation, Deoxys quickly picked his cards back up as if to resume play, and he’d float one of the glasses closer to him in anticipation for absorption. “Anyways, I heard the deadline has been moved up. Doesn’t that seem kind of.. I don’t know, brash? They’ve barely given you a break, D’.” If there was one thing Deo could distract his mind with, it was work. 

However, Dioxys had no interest in approaching that topic. Instead, he chose the lesser of two evils: “There’s nothing to say to Cherri, Kujo,” he replied as straight-forwardly as he could, “We are of two different worlds, and they are an individual who.. -Well, for lack of better phrasing; I am at the bottom of their totem pole.” Already having sensed what the pair might respond with, Dioxys added swiftly, “Socially, at least. Obviously, our work is a different story.” 

“Bah!” Kujo slammed his hand of cards on the table with one hand, and with his other hand, he reached over and grabbed Deo’s drink out of the air and shot it back. “You think you know everything, D’, but you don’t know that!” 

“I mean, he’s never been wrong before…,” Deo added meekly. 

Kujo waved his hand dismissively after he dropped the glass to fall to the ground. Before continuing his rant, he grabbed the half-drank bottle out of the air; “If you had a nickel for everytime you think you’re fallin’ in love..- You don’t even like them that much? Shit, you’re fallin’ in love!” He could not have made a more pointed statement, and it was a statement that would once again cause the table to fall in awkward silence. 

“...” Deo sighed. With an idle application of his psionic well, he reconstructed the broken glass from the ground and set it back on the table with an expectation that Kujo would pour him a refill. “..Okay, actually, let’s be honest. Why don’t you say something, D’? What have you got to lose?”

“Friendship,” Dioxys replied without hesitation, “And, to be frank, we have far greater worries we should be focusing on- like the deadline being moved up.” Tired of this path, he decided to choose the other lesser of two evils. “Or, Deo, would you prefer us to tackle your topic?”

“I’m good-”

“GOOD IDEA!” Kujo bellowed with an ignorance of Deo’s expectation to be refilled. “Deo, don’t you think you complain too much? Don’t you think it’s.. -Well, trite? D’ and I get it, Deo. You’re sad. Can we move on?” With an immediate sensing of Dioxys’ anger rising, Kujo quickly continued as if to save himself in this situation, “Okay, I’ll admit, this all sounds really bad. Let me rephrase: you both need to get over yourselves and address your problems because I am honestly real tired of having to babysit the both of y’all.” 

“It’s just not that simple,” both Deo and Dioxys responded simultaneously, but Deo would continue to say for himself; “No one can help me but me, and I don’t want to help me.”

Meanwhile, Dioxys would add his own statement right after Deo’s; “I would rather wallow in my pitiful, human tribulations than have someone I care about sour their perception of me. They don’t ever need to know, and I am content with that. All that matters is that we continue on for our goal and succeed.” 

Kujo just groaned as he let his slumped posture bring his jaw down to smack onto the table. “What am I going to do with the two of you?”