#i chose this path i have no one to blame but myself

[garaviel]

Being a legends mando fan and a legends mando critic at the same time feels like holding my hand in the garbage disposal for funsies

[demonsslayersstuff]

I’m here for you (Levi Ackerman x Reader)

A/N: Here is an angst heavy Levi fic. Post mission, Levi is there to comfort you in his own way as you struggle with the trauma of a failed mission beyond the wall. (Gender Neutral Reader)

Warnings: Mentions of death, survivors guilt, ptsd, trauma, and suicide. If these trigger you, please do not read! This is not a happy drabble, but it is ends on a lighter tone.

You slide off your horse with a defeated slump. Today had been easily one of the most difficult days in your life. You were use to death, nearly every scouting mission past the walls resulted in someone’s death. But today, today you’d lost more than half of your squad.

You look over your shoulder to see the three remaining members you had left. You note the hollowness in their eyes, the gauntness in their faces. Your words still in your throat and for the first time in a long time, you feel tears form in your eyes. You turn your face back towards your horse, gripping the reins tightly as you lay your face against its neck, trying to calm yourself.

“Captain”, you hear called meekly out to you, forcing you to take a deep breath. “Dismissed, you all deserve a much needed rest, report back tomorrow morning”, you manage to get out in your typical commanding voice, but deep down you didn’t feel like a captain, you felt like a failure. You watch as they dismount, leaving their horses to the stable hands before they quietly make their way to the barracks in silence, clearly traumatized by the previous events that had befallen your group.

You sigh knowing you should do a mission debrief with Erwin, wash the wet blood that caked your face and clothing, and probably eat. But you do none of those things. Instead you find yourself heading towards the wall, the very one whose gates you just passed through. It’s not long before you find yourself atop the stone structure, walking the familiar path. You walk past squads who are taken aback by your appearance, but say nothing, something that you are grateful for. You find a quiet place, one that rarely gets much foot traffic, and plop down, feet dangling off the edge.

You sit there for a long time, numbly staring out of the vast expanse of an unknown world, knowing that somewhere out there were the corpses of your squad members, unable to be brought home for a proper burial. You sit there long enough that the blood that coated your face and body has completely dried and the sun has long set past the horizon. It’s only then do you feel his presence. “How long have you been watching me?”, you ask quietly, making no effort to look in his direction. “Long enough to miss dinner, so I guess we are both going hungry tonight”, he states before finally walking towards you. “You’re not my babysitter, you could have left”, you remark finally glancing to your left, taking in his figure.

“True, but something told me to stay”, he replies gruffly coming to stand next you. He lowers his gaze to yours, looking at you carefully. “I’m not gonna kill myself Levi”, you mutter. “I know”, he simply replies, though his tone indicated that he didn’t fully believe you. You don’t say anything, instead focusing your vision back out towards the darken fields, sighing. You had a job to do and you needed to do it, regardless of how you were feeling. “Should probably go shower and hand that mission report in”, you say, but still make no effort to actually get up. “It’s not your fault”, Levi tells you suddenly, easily reading your thoughts. You look up at him, anger flashing in your eyes. You open your mouth to say something, but he’s quick to cut you off. “Don’t do this to yourself, don’t. They chose to join the scouts on their own accord. They knew what they were getting into, so you cannot blame yourself”, he tells you sternly.

An uneasy silence falls between the two of you. You knew his words were true as harsh as they sounded, but they didn’t help ease the pain that you were feeling. Levi sighs before offering you his hand. He wasn’t very good at handling big emotional things, but Levi knew how well you easily responded to his touch, his physical presence often helped calmed you down when you were having a bad day. You look up at him questionably, surprised at the fact he was openly offering you his hand, in public no less. “Just take it brat”, he states. You place your palm in his own as his fingers interlock with yours. Levi gives you a subtle, but reassuring squeeze. “Let’s go get you cleaned up”, Levi says, his tone a bit softer than his previous remarks as he pulls you up to your feet. You follow him quietly as he leads the way towards the barracks, his grip on your hand remaining as you weave through streets.

It’s not long before you find yourself in front of the shower house, practically deserted at this late hour. “Go shower. I’m going to grab you some fresh clothes”, Levi tells you, his authoritative voice back as he loosens his hold on your hand. With a squint of his eyes he quickly recedes down the hallway towards your shared quarters as you push open the door. You strip your dirty garments, tossing them into the laundry bin before you step into one of the showers.

The temperate water stings your skin, loosing up the caked blood. You watch as the draining water turns a dark tone of red and you wonder which of your squad members blood it was. Memories flash through your mind; laughter over a drink on a rare evening off with your crew, teasing during trainings, proudness as you watch them take down their first titan. As quickly as it started, it quickly ends and you feel a strangled scream erupt from the back of your throat, the reality of their deaths crashing down on you. All you’d have of them now would be memories.

You hit the concrete wall with your fist as you cry, the pent up emotion spilling out from years of keeping your feelings in check. The pain as your knuckles scrape against the hard material keeps you grounded from completely losing it. As you move to hit the wall again, you feel a hand grab your wrist, stopping you. You turn your head to see Levi standing there with a look on his face you’ve never seen before. His blue eyes lock on to yours and you can see the sadness that lingers in his gaze, equal to the worry that is held in them too. “I just…fuck I just…I don’t even know”, you cry. Levi pulls you towards him, not caring that your wet body soaks his clothes, he wraps his arms tightly around you, holding you. “Just let it out”, he whispers.

The two of you stand in a tight embrace for a long time as you cry into his shoulder, before the tears eventually subside. You pull away from him slightly, a guilty expression evident on your face. You open your mouth to apologize, you’d never been this emotional in front of Levi before. However Levi just shakes his head, “Don’t, sometimes we need to let it out”, he tells you. Levi leans up to briefly kiss your forehead before stepping away to grab you a towel. When he comes back you let him towel you off, relishing in his gentle touches.

You quickly put on some fresh clothes before you finally step out of the shower house, back into the dark hallway. “I suppose it’s too late to give the commander my report”, you muse as the two of you walk down the hall. Levi makes no effort to talk about the breakdown you’d just had. But that was Levi, never forcing you to talk about things until you were ready to. “Seeing as it’s two in the morning, probably not. Do it first thing the morning”, Levi tells you, as he opens the bedroom door. You nod your head as you step through the threshold, kicking your boots off as he quickly changes out of his wet uniform.

As the two of you slide underneath the covers you turn to face Levi, scooting closer to him. “Thank you”, you whisper. He wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you flush against him, maneuvering your head to his chest. “I’m always here for you”, he simply says, leaning down to kiss your temple. “Now sleep”, he commands softly as you snuggle into his body, feeling a bit better. You knew a simple cry session would wasn’t going to fix this, but you knew with Levi by your side you’d get through it.

[yinses]

amaretto mirage

pairing: [modern]gn! reader x hantengu clones (sekido, karaku, aizetsu, urogi) wc: 10k+ rating: mature (for this part) a/n: the PLAN is two, maybe three parts. then possibly some accompanying drabbles if i haven't burned myself out

[also available to read on ao3] synopsis: you, a simple student, finds yourself caught in a sensual game between a quadruplet of brothers, leading you down a path of self-discovery and forbidden desires.

"oh, aizetsu, wait for me please," you call out as you hurry to catch up to your friend. the sun beats down relentlessly, casting harsh shadows across the pavement, and the air is thick with the scent of exhaust and the sound of honking cars. you can feel beads of sweat trickling down your back, and the weight of your backpack seems to increase with every step.

as you draw closer to aizetsu, you take a moment to study him. his tall, lean frame is relaxed and unhurried, and his sky-blue eyes twinkle with a serene kind of patience that you find both calming and exhilarating. you can't help but wonder how he manages to maintain such an air of composure in the midst of the chaos that surrounds you.

with a sigh, you turn your attention back to your own worries. the never-welcomed midterm finals loom ahead, and you feel a familiar sense of panic rising within you. despite being in your fourth and final year, you still feel woefully unprepared. your scattered notes are a testament to your haphazard studying habits, and you know you'll pay for it later with a headache.

as you walk alongside aizetsu, you reflect on the years of hard work and dedication that have brought you to this point. you've managed to maintain decent enough grades, but deep down, you know that the credit isn't fully yours. in recent months, you owed a large portion to the man beside you.

you first met aizetsu during your sophomore year, but looking back on your freshman year, you couldn't recall his face as easily. his presence had been shrouded by what you knew of his brother, urogi, the school's star basketball player.

it wasn't until someone mentioned the relation between the two that aizetsu finally showed up on your radar. but that's really where the likeness ended. it was true that physically they shared the same complexion and hair, but their eyes and personalities couldn't be more different.

you remember marveling at the biological mystery of how one brother could have eyes that mimicked the sun while the other had a pair that mirrored the ocean. it made mountains more sense than the floating superstitions of demonic energy that your classmates liked to loft around. and apparently, aizetsu had two other brothers who also had differing eye colors. they were all quadruplets.

so yeah, given that anomaly, you were okay with blaming biology. but what you knew of urogi was that he was boisterous and confident, a fitting temperament to balance out his presence on the court. aizetsu, on the other hand, was best described as the opposite, which would be quite fitting if they were only twins. he was not rude per se, but decidedly introverted, keeping to himself and maintaining a low tone. most noticeably, where urogi was always boasting a bright smile, aizetsu was more solemn.

"sorry, you said you didn't have anything planned after this, right? i won't hold you up, but i wanted to get you something for your help," you say, breaking the comfortable silence.

aizetsu's face remained inscrutable, his blue eyes calculating as he spoke. "we share similar classes. it is an equal exchange."

your heart fluttered in your chest at the sound of his voice. he was always so patient with you, despite the vast gap in your intellect. aizetsu was undoubtedly a genius, while you had to work tirelessly to keep up with the coursework. you knew he could manage on his own, but he chose to help you anyway.

gratitude and admiration swelled within you, only further cementing your desire to show him your appreciation. you weren't sure why he chose to befriend you, but you treasured his company nonetheless.

"it's nothing big," you said, attempting to downplay your intentions. your meager budget didn't afford much extravagance. "we can go to the cafe on campus. we don't have to sit down or anything. just grab something on the way."

your heart raced as you offered, hoping that he wouldn't see through your poorly veiled attempt to treat him. you couldn't help but feel nervous at the prospect of him rejecting your gesture or worse yet, interpreting it as something more than just gratitude.

aizetsu's gaze bore into you, and you held your breath in anticipation.

"alright, if you insist," he finally acquiesced.

relief washed over you as you smiled gratefully, thanking him for accepting your offer. you couldn't help but feel a flutter of excitement in your chest at the thought of spending more time with him. but you pushed those feelings aside, not wanting to ruin the delicate balance of your friendship

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

as aizetsu made the decision to sit down and order rather than grab and go, you felt a wave of nervous energy course through your body. you tried to remain composed, reminding yourself that this wasn't a date but merely a gesture of gratitude. you were pleasantly surprised that he had even agreed to come in the first place.

despite having known each other for months, you still struggled to describe your relationship with aizetsu. you were more than acquaintances, but not quite friends. your interactions were confined to the classroom and the library, but the countless hours spent studying together had brought you closer than you thought possible.

as you sat across from aizetsu, you couldn't help but fidget in your seat. the atmosphere was charged with a sense of anticipation, as if this small outing held more significance than either of you let on. you desperately hoped that this would be a step towards building a stronger friendship, one that could survive beyond graduation.

the cafe was cozy, with warm yellow lighting casting a soft glow over the wooden tables and chairs. the faint aroma of fresh coffee and baked goods wafted through the air, mingling with the chatter of other patrons. you couldn't help but feel a sense of comfort in this space, as if it were a sanctuary away from the stresses of academia.

as aizetsu ordered his drink, his eyes flicked over to you briefly before returning to the menu. you felt a flutter in your chest at the brief moment of eye contact, wondering if he was feeling the same sense of anticipation as you were.

as aizetsu's attention snaps back to you, you catch a glimpse of a camera flash and the click of a shutter from the corner of your eye. you shake your head, dismissing it as a trick of the light or your imagination. you turn your focus back to the conversation, discussing your tentative plans for the final semester and how you hope to broaden your knowledge in your major. aizetsu listens attentively, nodding and interjecting his own insights with ease.

suddenly, the serene ambiance of the cafe is shattered as a new figure emerges. when you look up, you find another version of aizetsu standing over the table. without even meeting him, you know this must be urogi, aizetsu's brother. his boisterous presence immediately fills the room, causing heads to turn and eyes to follow him. his eyes lock onto you, roving over you with unabashed interest before he snorts and pulls out a chair, sitting down uninvited.

aizetsu's brow furrows,"now is not the time, urogi. go away."

urogi simply crosses his arms, grinning as he refuses to budge. "nah, this is too good," he retorts, his eyes sparkling with mischief. the air around you suddenly becomes charged with a mix of curiosity and tension.

suddenly there is another click and flash, but this time much closer as urogi snaps a photo of your face. as the flash of the camera dies down, you can feel the heat rising to your cheeks. you wonder if urogi's laughter is directed towards you, or if he's simply amused by his own antics. you force a smile, trying to play it cool, but it's clear that he's rattled you.

he sees your expression and laughs, “don’t worry, i’m not doing anything weird with it. just sending it to my brothers. it's not often little aizetsu goes out on a date.”

aizetsu's reply is sharp,"urogi that's rude. you can't just do what you want like that." the other brother only shrugs and by the time he sets down his phone the damage is done.

the atmosphere of the cafe suddenly feels oppressive, as if the walls are closing in on you. you're acutely aware of the other customers, their eyes darting towards your table before quickly averting their gaze. the low hum of conversation seems to have evaporated, leaving only the sound of your own heartbeat pounding in your ears.

despite your discomfort, you can't help but also feel sorry for aizetsu. you never expect and act of gratitude would draw this much attention.

“it’s not a date, i just wanted to thank him for his help this semester."

urogi seems disinterested in your explanation as he taps against his phone. “yeah, aizetsu isn’t going to let just anyone sit him down for a meal.” he says it so absently but with a tone of finality that furrows your brow. 

you don't want aizetsu to get the wrong idea, or for anyone else to think that you're trying to pursue something more than friendship. but urogi seems uninterested in your explanation, preoccupied with his phone.

the firmnesss in his tone when he speaks of aizetsu only makes you more curious about the reserved genius. as the tension thickens between the brothers, you feel like an outsider looking in.

the atmosphere in the cafe shifts, the ambient noise fading into the background as the two siblings stare each other down. aizetsu's eyes are narrowed with determination, and you can sense that he's not going to back down. his brother, on the other hand, looks almost amused as he crosses his arms over his chest, tapping his foot impatiently.

you can feel the weight of the moment pressing down on you, unsure of how to proceed. you glance between the two of them, searching for a way to ease the tension. aizetsu's voice breaks the silence, clear and firm. "they're not a crush, urogi. they're a friend. this was meant to be a treat for our study efforts, and you're ruining it."

urogi's eyebrows shoot up in surprise, his grin faltering slightly. "oh? just a friend?" he says, sounding almost disappointed. "well, that's a shame. i was hoping for some juicy gossip to share with the team."

you can feel a blush creeping up your cheeks at the implication, and you wonder how aizetsu is taking all of this. he seems unperturbed, however, his expression remaining resolute. "you're not getting anything, urogi. ."

there's a moment of tense silence before urogi finally relents, settling back into his chair with a sigh. "fine, fine. i'll behave. but you owe me one, little brother."

the tension in the air begins to dissipate, and you let out a breath you didn't even realize you were holding. the cafe noise returns to the foreground, and you take a sip of your drink to calm your nerves. you can't help but wonder how many other hidden tensions are lurking beneath the surface of aizetsu's life.

as the silence drags on, you begin to feel restless. you shift in your seat, trying to find a way to diffuse the tension. your eyes dart back and forth between the two brothers, unsure of what to say. finally, you clear your throat, hoping to break the stalemate.

"aizetsu doesn't get the chance to talk about his family often. i distract him too much with my countless questions on material," you say, hoping to shift the conversation to a more positive note. 

your laugh however, cuts off uneasily as those golden eyes settle on you. a tug of something you cant describe pulls at his lips,”a distraction, i’m sure.” he studies you a moment longer, before reaching for the discarded menu. “well, let’s hear all about the person who has kept our brother occupied.”

aizetsu's focused gaze doesn't leave his brother, but you can sense the odd taste at the mention of his family. despite spending countless hours studying with him, you know little about his personal life. you wonder what secrets he keeps hidden behind those deep, contemplative eyes.

your attempt at lightening the mood with a joke falls flat, and you can feel the weight of the awkward silence settle over the table. your gaze falls to the table, the scratched surface now a blur beneath your fingertips as you twist them together nervously.

aizetsu's sudden attention startles you, and you raise your head to meet his gaze. the way his lips tug at the corners sends an unfamiliar jolt of something through you, but you can't put a name to it. his intense stare feels like a physical touch, sending shivers down your spine.

as he picks up his cup, you realize you've been staring too long. quickly, you avert your gaze, taking refuge in your own drink as if it can provide a shield from his penetrating gaze. aizetsu's calm tone breaks the silence, drawing your attention back to the conversation.

“given you don’t take your studies seriously, i’m not left with many options, urogi.”

urogi hums,”true. but that’s never stopped you before.”

your mind races to come up with a suitable response, but you find yourself at a loss for words. you clear your throat, hoping to regain some composure. "well, there's not much to tell. we're just friends, after all." the words sound weak even to your own ears, but they're the only ones that come to mind.

urogi snorts, leaning back in his chair. "just friends, huh? you're blushing like a bride, you know." his words are teasing, but you can feel the heat rising to your cheeks. 

the intended outing for two has evolved into something you're not entirely sure how to describe. eventually, your waiter returns to take urogi’s order, not hiding their surprise well. but urogi is more attentive to you as he quizzes you on your hometown, studies, and interests.

"so, where are you from originally?" urogi asks, leaning forward in his seat.

"i'm from a small town south of here," you reply, feeling a little uneasy under his intense gaze.

"a small town, huh? what made you want to come to this big city for school?"

"i wanted to experience something new and different," you say with a shrug.

"i can respect that," urogi says with a nod. "what's your major?"

you share without pause. 

"sounds cool. what kind of career are you hoping to have with that degree?" urogi asks, leaning back in his seat.

"i'm not really sure yet. i'm still exploring my options," you say with a smile.

meanwhile, aizetsu watches the two of you with a furrowed brow, clearly not thrilled with his brother's line of questioning. finally, he speaks up.

"urogi, can you stop talking so much for once? we came here to relax," he says pointedly.

urogi rolls his eyes but acquiesces. "fine, fine. but i have to ask. how about basketball? you're a big fan of the games right?"

aizetsu signs, but you can feel the mood finally settling to a comfortable point that you can lean into. 

and so the conversation shifts to a more neutral topic, and you're able to relax a bit and enjoy your coffee that has run lukewarm now. but in the back of your mind, you can't help but wonder what urogi's true intentions are and why he's so interested in you.

as the bizzare occassion winds down, you can't help but feel a sense of surreality as the situation has evolved into something you never imagined. you would have never expected approaching the kid in the back of the lecture room would lead to this.  

“i should get going, my shift starts soon.”

urogi whistles,” a worker and a student. busy, busy.”

as you reach for the check, your hand is halted by urogi's quick reflexes. he snatches it away with a playful grin, teasing his brother, "aizetsu, making our them pay? that's not very hospitable of you."

aizetsu simply shrugs, his expression unreadable. "i didn't want to insist and make them feel uncomfortable. they wanted to treat me, after all."

urogi's playful demeanor dissipates, and he studies his brother for a moment before suddenly slamming his own card on the table. "consider it my treat, then. you can owe me one, aizetsu."

the gesture catches you off guard, and you feel a flush rise to your cheeks. you're not used to this kind of generosity, and it makes you feel both grateful and uneasy at the same time. 

as the waiter takes the bill and disappears, you let out a small sigh of relief. the cafe, though delicious, has been a rollercoaster of emotions. urogi, the more talkative of the two, had bombarded you with questions, leaving you feeling dizzy and unsteady. aizetsu, on the other hand, had remained quiet for the most part, his blue eyes observing your every move.

as urogi scribbles a generous tip onto the bill and rises to his feet, you can't help but feel a little relieved that the intense scrutiny is over. he chats easily as he turns to his brother, his voice ringing with a certain cheerfulness that makes you wonder what kind of relationship they have.

"it was nice to meet you. i'm sure we'll be seeing each other again." urogi waves his phone in the air, the light catching the screen and casting a blue glow across his face. "sekido wants to see us. i staved him off for long enough, but we both don't want him calling."

his gaze flickers briefly to his brother, before settling back onto you. "sekido is technically the 'oldest'. a bit rougher than the rest, but," he pauses, his lips tugging up into a small smile. "i'm sure you'll get along just fine."

urogi throws an arm over aizetsu's shoulder, guiding him away as they make their exit. you watch them go, feeling more confused than when you first walked into the restaurant. what kind of family were they, to be so open and yet so guarded? you shake your head, trying to clear your thoughts, as you gather your belongings and head out.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

as the day waned, you hurriedly packed your bag and left campus feeling the piercing gaze of the curious onlookers behind you. the sky outside was a blend of oranges and pinks, the sun bidding a warm farewell to the day. you knew you had only a short window of time to change and make it to your night shift at the corner convenience store in your neighborhood.

at night, the store was a hub of activity, bustling with customers seeking to grab a quick snack or last-minute essentials. it was a simple job, but one that kept you afloat, paying your bills and rent. the store was always expecting customers, but not always with the most pleasant of crowds. the sound of shattering glass echoed through the aisles, causing you to wince from the front.

“oi, you’ll be paying for that, dumbass. i told you to watch where you’re going,” growled a gruff voice.

“i ain’t paying for shit,” retorted another voice, filled with equal parts anger and defiance.

you listened nervously as the argument escalated, hoping it would end before you became an issue beyond simple damages. as the two men continued to bicker, you couldn't help but wonder how your life became this - a constant struggle to make ends meet, dealing with difficult people and their petty squabbles. the thought made you feel a little weary, but you squared your shoulders and braced yourself.

the job itself wasn't glamorous, but it was a means to an end. you were grateful for the reliable income that helped manage your rent and groceries. the store owner even threw in a decent discount on some of the items, which came in handy during tight months. and being situated so close to home, you didn't have to worry about losing precious time commuting.

eventually, the two men made their way to the front, both jostling to get to the counter first. you waited patiently as they bickered and pointed fingers, each refusing to take responsibility for the shattered case of beer.

“oi, this bastard shattered a case of beer.”

“that wasn't me it was you.”

“as if.”

“well i ain't paying for it,” came the final reply with a sharp glaze your way.

you knew it was only a matter of time before the blame would fall on you, but you had grown accustomed to these petty disputes. with a smile, you offered to take care of it, hoping to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible.

the men, still grumbling but appeased for the moment, took their leave and headed for the door. you breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that they didn't try to engage with you further. you retreated to the backroom to gather the necessary cleaning supplies, mentally preparing yourself for the next unexpected hurdle.

it was an inconvenience, but at least this one made sense.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

the air is thick with the buzz of students rushing to and from their final exams. your own mind is a jumble of information, formulas, and theories that you've tried to cram into your brain in just a few short days. the relief of completing one of the exams is quickly replaced with a sense of exhaustion and the anticipation of the next one. you're stumbling down the hallway when you suddenly collide with someone.

hands steady you, preventing you from falling to the ground, and a familiar voice rings out with laughter.

it's urogi.

you can't help but feel a little surprised to run into him again, especially during such a hectic week. the finals schedule has thrown off your usual routine, making it difficult to anticipate who you might see on campus.

despite the chaos of the week, urogi rather collected. his eyes sparkle mischievously as he greets you, as if he knows something you don't. it's clear that he's not here by coincidence. you wonder if he's been keeping tabs on your schedule, or if he's simply a master of appearing when you least expect it.

you open your mouth to apologize for the collision, but urogi beats you to it. "well, well, well. look who it is! i thought i recognized your backside from a mile away," he jokes, playfully teasing you. 

you take a moment to look around and notice that the hallway is filled with students bustling to and fro. the fluorescent lights overhead cast an unnatural glow on everything. the air is heavy with the scent of stale coffee and sweat, a testament to the long hours spent cramming for exams.

in the midst of the chaos, urogi stands out like a beacon of calm. his hair is windswept and his clothing is slightly disheveled, but it only adds to his charm. his eyes dance as he talks, and you find yourself drawn into his infectious energy.

"finished with your exams?" he asks, his curiosity palpable. your last exam of today was one of the later ones, but fortunately, you've managed to escape the night classes this year. you don't know if you could survive that again. still unsure why urogi is talking to you, you respond politely. "yes, one more tomorrow, and i'm done."

urogi nods along. "right, right." as bodies move around you both, you can't help but notice the stares and whispers floating around. this is not the kind of additional stress you needed. you're already exhausted from studying and taking exams, and now you have to deal with gossip and speculation?

"well, i should get going. good luck with the rest of the week." urogi's gaze widens at your abruptness, and he reaches out to stop you. "hold on, i actually came to ask you something."

you can feel your heart rate increasing as you turn to face him. what could he possibly want?

“the thing is,” urogi begins, his voice low and conspiratorial. “i'm hosting an end of semester party tomorrow night. it'll be a chance for everyone to unwind and forget about their worries. you should come.”

you immediately go to decline, you barely know urogi but you know of the crowd he attracts. that definitely would not be your scene trapped in a house with all of them. “thanks for the offer but—”

urogi cuts you off, “it’d be really great if you came. aizetsu needs the break too and he’s more inclined to come if you do. “

he seems to sense your hesitation and reaches out to squeeze your shoulder. it's a show of camaraderie that surprises you. you didn't realize the two of you shared that kind of relationship.

“you still owe aizetsu a treat, right? you can use this as one,” he says with a wink.

you frown at his words, feeling as though you're being manipulated. you cant help but frown at that, “that feels more like a treat from you. which would make it twice youve done that.”

urogi shrugs as he pulls away,” really? i dont see it that way.” he waves of his shoulder as he departs, not giving you room to argue.

“catch up with aizetsu and coordinate. see you tomorrow,” he calls over his shoulder.

as you watch him disappear into the crowd, you're left wondering how quickly this semester has changed.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

the final exam had come to a close and the air in the classroom was charged with a palpable sense of relief and accomplishment. as the instructor wrapped up the semester with final words of praise and congratulations, you couldn't help but feel your spirits lift with each passing moment.

you were finally done.

as the rest of the class began to shuffle out of the door, your eyes drifted to aizetsu. despite trying not to think much of it, urogi's offer returned ahain. now, without the excuse of exams, it was harder to bat away.

making up your mind, you rushed to catch up with aizetsu as he made his way out of the classroom.

"aizetsu, hey!" you call out, your heart racing as you catch up to him. he turns at the sound of your voice, and you feel a jolt of something electric as his cool blue eyes meet yours. 

"did you feel confident about that? you should, after all the effort i put into quizzing you," aizetsu says, his voice low and smooth. you shake your head, trying to refocus your scattered thoughts.

"yeah, actually. thank you. i used your revision guide last night too." you reply, feeling grateful for his help during the exam preparation.

aizetsu nods. "good, you've earned the break." you notice something lighter in his posture today, something more friendly. "do you have work tonight?" he asks.

his question reminds you that you have something else to ask him. "no, actually, i wanted to see if you were planning to go to urogi's party."you say, your voice laced with a touch of hesitation. aizetsu raises an eyebrow, his expression quizzical.

"urogi's party?" he repeats. 

it feels odd to ask, given that they're brothers. but you feel as though you were right in assuming that aizetsu had no interest. as if to mirror your thoughts, he frowns. "no, i never really go. i didn't think it would be something you enjoyed either."

well, it seems you both have a pretty good scope of each other. a gesture that fills you with unexpected warmth. it gives you the courage to push further. "normally no, but i thought it could be fun?" you offer with a shrug. "and i still owe you a treat. let me buy you a drink?"

aizetsu is quiet as he considers you. it's almost as if he sees through you and can imagine the echoed conversation from between his brother and you yesterday. the scrutiny makes you nervous. but just as you go to take back your offer, he sighs with a shrug. "if that's what you want."

"yeah, i think it will be fun," you grin, more t ease with his acceptance.

"alright."

it appears that he wants to say something else but leaves it at that. you watch him go, feeling both relieved and anxious at the same time.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

as the evening draws closer, you can feel your anticipation building up. the last day of exams has left you feeling exhilarated, and you can't wait to let loose a little at urogi's party. but before you head out, you decide to put a little extra effort into your attire. you rummage through your closet, picking out an outfit that is both stylish and comfortable.

as you slip into your clothes, you can't help but wonder why you're putting in so much effort. after all, it's just a party, and you'll be surrounded by a bunch of drunken college students. but a part of you knows that you're doing it for yourself, to feel good and confident. and maybe, just maybe, you're hoping that aizetsu will notice too.

the memory of your conversation with aizetsu earlier in the day lingers in your mind. you can't shake off the feeling that something has changed between you two. the way he looked at you, the way he spoke to you - it all felt different somehow.

as you step off the bus, the bustling city surrounds you like a cloak. you take a deep breath, feeling the energy of the crowd electrify your senses. the sound of car horns and chatter mix together in a chaotic symphony, and the neon lights of the city create a vivid display of color.

but as you walk towards the address, you begin to realize that something is off. this is not the typical college housing area where you expected urogi's party to be held. instead, the street is lined with bars and clubs, their neon signs lighting up the night sky.

as you approach the establishment linked to the address, you notice a line of your classmates snaking along the sidewalk. it seems that urogi has chosen a more unconventional venue for his mid-semester bash. you can hear the muffled thump of the bass from inside the bar, and the scent of alcohol and sweat wafts towards you on the breeze.

for a moment, you hesitate. this is not your usual scene, and you feel out of place. 

as you approach the entrance, you notice a burly man, who must be the bouncer, engaged in a heated discussion with a student and another man who looks vaguely familiar.

the man’s furrowed brow gives him a perpetually annoyed expression, but you can't help but notice the resemblance between him and aizetsu and urogi. it's almost too obvious for you to believe that he's anything other than the third brother.

that leaves one left.

"there should have been a limit on the patrons," the man grumbles as he stares down at the line of students with a look of distain. "my brother knows the capacity and we're well past it."

"but i was invited," the girl protests, but neither even acknowledges her.

"they're welcome to wait until someone leaves, but i won't have regulators at my door over some college students," he says, turning to leave.

you scan the long line of people waiting outside the venue and a sense of disappointment settles over you. it looks like a never-ending queue, and you can't help but think that no one will be leaving the party anytime soon. the ingress and egress would surely be a nightmare for those at the back of the line, which includes you.

despite feeling a bit disheartened, you had made an effort to dress up for the occasion. you don't know why, but you had a feeling that tonight was special. maybe it was because aizetsu was coming, and you wanted to look your best for him. you hope that he will notice your extra effort, but you're not entirely sure if he will.

you pull out your phone to let him know about the situation. 

the least you could do was inform him that you tried. you uncover your phone and send a text

hey, the place is too packed for more entry. i’m going to head home. sorry for convincing you to come :(

his reply comes quicker than you expect.

are you still here?

a few blocks down? about to catch the bus soon.

the text is sent, and you wait for a reply. as you stand at the bus stop, you see the headlights of the approaching transport. but just then, a voice startles you.

“hey, why are you going home? did you not want to come?”

it's aizetsu, and you're surprised to see him standing there. he's dressed more casually than you, in a light shirt and jeans. you quickly explain the situation with the bouncer and the overcrowding.

“but you wanted to come?” he asks, and you can't help but feel a flutter of excitement in your chest.

“i mean, i guess. i got dolled up for it,” you reply, turning a bit to show off your outfit.

aizetsu gives you a quick once-over, and you feel a rush of warmth at the attention.

“then don't let it go to waste. let's go."

you're hesitant at first, but his encouragement pushes you forward. you feel a bit anxious about the overcrowding, but you're also thrilled to be going to the party with aizetsu.

aizetsu's determination to get into the club was unyielding and he led you back under the bright lights illuminating the entrance. despite the short amount of time that had passed, the line had remained steadfast, with the same resolute girl still standing at the front. aizetsu, however, was not deterred as he pulled you to the front of the line. the bouncer regarded you both with a cool stare.

“capacity limit,” he stated firmly.

“they were invited by both myself and urogi. kick someone else out if you want, kyogai, it won't make me sad,” aizetsu replied confidently.

kyogai seemed to consider the proposition for a moment, but ultimately gave in as aizetsu pulled you through the entrance. the waiting students erupted in protest, but their complaints were muffled as the sound of the music inside grew louder.

stepping into the club, you were struck by its beauty. the colors, lights, and sounds all melded together to create an atmosphere unlike any you had experienced before. the room was alive with energy and excitement, and you couldn't help but feel swept up in the moment.

the decor was impeccable, with plush velvet seating and shimmering crystal chandeliers hanging overhead. the bar was lined with a vast array of drinks, and the bartenders were busy mixing and shaking cocktails. the dance floor was a sea of bodies, pulsing with the beat of the music.

“this is beautiful,” you breathed, marveling at the sight before you.

“karaku designed it. he would appreciate the compliment,” aizetsu said and you realized that must be last of his brothers.

indirectly, that meant you were now aware of four of them. your mind raced with questions, but for now, you were content to lose yourself in the magic of the night.

as aizetsu leads you to the bar, you take in the lively atmosphere around you. the music pulsates through your body, vibrating every fiber of your being, and the colorful lights cast playful shadows on the walls. the decor is sleek and modern, with a futuristic vibe that seems to transport you to another dimension. it's a far cry from the usual places you frequent, but you find yourself enjoying the change of pace.

as you lean against the bar, taking in the scene, you feel a sudden tug on your shoulder. urogi stands before you, a wide smile on his face. his presence is commanding, and you can't help but feel drawn to him. his eyes roam over you, and you sense that he's impressed by your appearance.

"where have you been?" he says, his voice tinged with amusement. "fashionably late, i see." urogi dressed for the occasion, comfortable in a nice button up and slacks.

you smile in response, feeling a sense of comfort in his presence. "i wanted to make an entrance," you say playfully. "and i'm glad i did. this place is amazing."

urogi remains close and you can feel the warmth of his body against yours. he turns to the bar and raps his knuckles against the counter, “oi, karaku. you just going to just stand behind the bar oe do work?”

you watch as a handsome man with emerald eyes approaches them, his lips pulled in a tight frown.

it's clear that this man is urogi's brother, and you can see the family resemblance in their sharp features and confident demeanor.

his lips pull in a taut frown as he regards urogi, “i’m meant to manage the staff. since you decided to invite the entire campus.”

karaku's gaze shifts to you and you feel a flutter in your chest. he's just as attractive as his brothers and his eyes seem to penetrate your soul. you can't help but feel a little intimidated by him, but also curious.

“hey, its good business, right?”

“you don't know the first thing about running a business.”

“at least i go to school to learn.”

“And someone how come out dumber.”

“oi—”

as the brothers continue to bicker, you can't help but feel a sense of fascination with this family. they're unlike anyone you've ever met.

as karaku's piercing gaze meets yours again, your heart quickens, and you feel a flush spread across your face. "you're aizetsu's friend," he states matter-of-factly, his voice low and smooth.

you blink, momentarily stunned, before realizing that you've lost sight of aizetsu in the exchange. you glance over your shoulder and see him still leaning against the bar, a picture of nonchalance.

"yeah, that's right," you reply, extending a hand in greeting. to your surprise, karaku accepts the gesture.

"well, what will it be then?" he asks, his tone businesslike.

"oh, i thought you were just managing," you say, trying to keep up with the conversation.

"i am," he replies, his eyes flitting to the busy staff behind the bar. "but since my staff is busy because of him, now i have to step in. your choice?"

you quickly order a simple drink, but karaku frowns at your request. "do you take recommendations?" he asks.

"um, sure," you say, feeling a bit out of your depth.

karaku turns and reaches for a bottle, his hands moving with fluid grace. you watch in awe as he expertly mixes the ingredients, turning a plain liquor into a colorful and vibrant concoction that perfectly matches the atmosphere of the club.

he sets the drink in front of you, and you take a hesitant sip. the taste explodes on your tongue, and you can hardly believe how delicious it is. you take another sip, relishing the complex flavors that dance across your taste buds.

"this is great, thank you," you say, smiling up at karaku.

the corners of his mouth lift in a small grin. "glad you like it."

you fumble for your wallet, but karaku turns away before you can offer to pay. "sorry, i have to go manage my brother's itinerary," he says, his voice fading as he disappears into the crowd.

you feel a hand on your shoulder, and you turn to see urogi at the retreating figure. "hey, you're welcome for the tips, asshole," he says, nudging you playfully.

you laugh, feeling lightheaded from the drink and the atmosphere of the club. it certainly wasn't your typical scene, but you were glad you came.

he gestures to your hand, and you realize that you're still holding your wallet. "you can put that away," he says, "we got you covered. you're a guest."

you feel a twinge of guilt at the thought of being treated, but you realize that it's too late to back out now. aizetsu seems to sense your hesitation, and he steps in to reassure you. "you can get the next one," he says with a smile. "you still owe me a treat, right?"

you nod, feeling grateful for the generosity. it's not often that you get to experience something like this, and you want to make the most of it. you take a deep breath and let the atmosphere of the club wash over you. you can feel your body relaxing, your mind clearing. this is exactly what you needed.

"great," you say, a smile spreading across your face. "now let's really get partying."

in response, urogi grins and you feel yourself being tugged away.

⚘. ⚘. ⚘.

urogi's hands on your waist felt both warm and secure, guiding you along with the rhythm of the music. the dance floor was alive with movement, bodies swaying and pulsing to the beat. you caught glimpses of colorful lights flashing overhead, illuminating the club in a vibrant glow.

aizetsu was still nearby, but his serene demeanor made it clear he wasn't there to party in the same as the others. when you had tried to get him to join, he waved you off, telling you to have fun. you wondered what was weighing on his mind, but decided to let it be for the night. this was a chance to let loose and have some fun, after all.

urogi's voice broke through your thoughts, drawing your attention back to him. "you know, aizetsu's not one to hang out with anyone. he must think highly of you."

you felt a flutter in your chest at the thought. aizetsu was someone you admired greatly, and to know he valued your company was a special feeling.

urogi continued to lead you in the dance, his movements smooth and practiced. "and karaku doesn't just give out recommendations to anyone either. he's a bit of a stickler for quality."

you laughed at the thought of karaku being a hard-to-please critic. it was clear he took pride in his craft, and his passion showed in the drinks he served.

“that just leaves sekido.” urogi’s grip tights as he pulls you to his front. “but I think your luck will carry you through.”

as the night wore on, you felt yourself letting go of any worries or stresses. the music was loud, the drinks were flowing, and the company was good. you were grateful for this moment of pure enjoyment, surrounded by friends old and new.

as you dance with urogi, you become lost in the rhythm of the music and the swirling colors of the lights. your movements flow effortlessly with his as he pulls you closer, his hands finding the curve of your waist.

you glance over at aizetsu, but he seems lost in his own world, his expression solemn and unreadable as he relaxes by the bar. when he catches your gaze, he raises a drink with an equally raised brow. 

as you try to slip away from urogi's grasp, you find yourself lost in the surreal atmosphere of the party. the thumping bass of the music seems to pulse through your veins as the neon lights cast a hypnotic spell over the crowd. the scent of sweat and perfume mingles in the air, creating a heady aroma that makes you feel intoxicated.

urogi's hold on your wrist is loose, but his chin rests heavily on your shoulder. you feel his warm breath on your neck, and it sends shivers down your spine. you glance over at aizetsu, who seems to be lost in thought as he sips his drink at the bar. you can't help but feel guilty for abandoning him, especially since he came here with you.

you pull against urogi's grip once more, and he reluctantly lets you go.

“you think it matters but it doesn’t. we’re different but we all appreciate the same thing. try not to think so hard about it.”

his words are cryptic, and you can't help but wonder what he meant by 'we'. who was he referring to? the other party-goers? you shake your head, trying to clear your thoughts, but they remain jumbled and confused.

“urogi what—”

“urogi! finally, i’ve been stuck outside this whole time. why didn’t you come get me?”

just then, a whiny voice interrupts your musings. it's the girl from outside, and she seems to have managed to sneak in somehow. urogi greets her with a forced smile, but his grip on your wrist tightens once again. you can feel the tension in his body, and it makes you uneasy.

the girl's eyes flicker over to your joined hands, and you can see the jealousy simmering in her gaze. 

“who is this? didn't they come in with aizetsu?”

you're not sure how much more of this you can take, and you make another attempt to leave. but urogi pulls you even closer, his grip almost suffocating.

"sorry, we need a break," he says, and you can hear the irritation in his voice. you can feel your patience wearing thin as you try to extract yourself from his embrace, but he refuses to let go.

while you definitely agree with the statement, you weren't expecting to be pulled in the opposite direction of the bar. you can feel the tension in his muscles as he leads you towards a quieter corner of the club. the swaying throngs of people blur as you're led towards the next level of the club.

as you pass a red rope barrier, you realize it's a reserved section. the area is dimly lit, but you can make out a few plush couches and armchairs arranged around small tables. the air here smells different too, more luxurious and fragrant. not once does anyone move to stop you both. it's clear now that the club is not only managed by karaku, but also held some sort of ownership. 

you can't help but feel a sense of relief at the brief reprieve from the intensity of the party. you take a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling the cool air against your flushed skin.

urogi's gaze meets yours and you can see a hint of vulnerability in his eyes. "i'm sorry about that," he says, his voice softening. "i wanted you to enjoy yourself, not feel overwhelmed."

you feel a pang of guilt at his words, realizing that you are indeed a stranger to all of this. but there's something about urogi's easy charm that puts you at ease.

“c’mon, i promised you a break.”

as urogi guides you into the room, the pulsing music fades away and the sounds of hushed voices and clinking glasses fill your ears. the dim lighting casts a warm glow on the faces of the people lounging around the room. your eyes immediately find aizetsu, who is leaning back against the couch, his drink held loosely in his hand. he must have slipped through the crowd at some point during the brief confrontation. 

“so they managed to get in.”

the voice is deep and smooth.this must be the final one, sekido. his presence commanded attention even from afar. as you approach him, you finally realize the last detail about him that you couldn't place before: his eyes are a piercing shade of vermillion, drawing you in with their intensity. he seems to have grown broader since you last saw him, his arms comfortably stretched over the back of the couch.

“hey, you saw them and didn't let them through? you ass.”

you glance up at urogi, who lets out a sigh as he leads you to the couch and positions you between himself and sekido. you can't help but wish that you were seated between him and aizetsu instead, but you push the thought aside. other than the initial comment, no one made you feel unwelcome.

"they weren't invited by me. apparently, you can thank aizetsu for doing it for you," sekido continues, a smirk playing on his lips.

urogi rolls his eyes and pulls you closer to him, his arm draped around your shoulders. "i can't believe you saw them all dolled up like this and didn't intervene on your own. i wouldn't have been able to resist."

sekido lets out a snort and reaches for his own short glass, taking a sip. "i hardly saw them. and i'm not you."

urogi's arm around you is both comforting and possessive, as if he's claiming you as his own. you're acutely aware of his body heat, the subtle movements of his muscles as he shifts to get more comfortable.

aizetsu, on the other hand, exudes an air of calm, his posture relaxed as he sips his drink. his eyes meet yours briefly and you detect a hint of amusement in his gaze.

sekido, with his broad shoulders and easy confidence, seems like the type of person functions as the foundation of the group. he lounges back against the couch with the careless grace of a panther, his eyes gleaming with a mischievous light. you can't help but feel a little intimidated by him, even though you know he means no harm.

you can feel the tension between the three of them, but you're too stimulated to fully comprehend it. you look around the room, searching for a distraction. "where is karaku?" you finally ask, trying to change the subject.

the man in question enters the room with a flourish, as if summoned, balancing bottles and glasses with practiced ease. you marvel at his skill, wondering how he manages to keep everything from spilling. the scent of rice wine fills the air as he sets the glasses down.

he apologizes for the plainness of the glass, but you don't mind at all. you're just grateful for the hospitality. urogi grumbles about karaku never wanting to meet his friends and you get the sense that there's a deeper tension between the two brothers.

you take a sip of the rice wine, savoring the complex flavors as they dance across your tongue. it's smooth and slightly sweet, with a subtle aftertaste that lingers in your mouth. 

“so what about you caught our brother’s interest?”

sekido's sharp gaze bores into you, and you feel yourself squirming uncomfortably under his scrutiny. his eyes seemed to be searching for something, but you couldn't decipher what.

you realize that befriending aizetsu had been quite an accomplishment. but you already partially knew that. the man was not one to socialize much, and you had to muster all your courage to approach him. you had always been anxious about approaching people, even those related to your studies, but something about aizetsu drew you to him.

as you recall the memories of your initial interactions with him, you can't help but smile. aizetsu wasn't the most talkative person, but over the months, he had opened up to you in ways you never expected. you liked being around him because it made him look less alone, but it was more than that. it was a two-way agreement, and he welcomed your presence, going as far as to save your seat when you became a regular.

"i just wanted to be his friend," you finally say, and that was the truth of it.

karaku's voice interrupts the silence that follows. "how cute."

you take another sip of your sake, trying to fill the void created by the unsaid words that were lingering in the air. the brothers around you slide into their own conversations, and you take a moment to observe your surroundings.

the room is dimly lit, casting an warm glow on the faces around you. the air is thick with the scent of sake and the gentle hum of conversation surrounds you like a warm embrace. you feel oddly secure, despite being surrounded by people you barely know.

around you, the air hums with the sound of the brothers' voices, blending together in a cacophony of chatter. it's both exhilarating and terrifying to be in the midst of such men, all of whom exude an aura of authority that's impossible to ignore. you glance down at the floor, where a pattern of intricate symbols is etched into the wooden planks. it's a reminder that you're sitting in their territory, and that fact isn't lost on you.

you're brought back to the present when you notice that your cup has been refilled, courtesy of karaku. the gesture is both generous and intimidating, as if he's reminding you of your place at the table. you take a sip of the drink, letting the liquid wash over your tongue and down your throat.

as you drink, urogi's arm slips back around your shoulders. his touch is surprisingly cool against the warmth of your skin, and you can't help but lean into it, relishing the sensation. you're not sure if it's the alcohol or the company, but you're starting to feel a little lightheaded.

urogi breaks the silence with a teasing question. "so, i want to hear more juicy details of why you like aizetsu. surely, i'm cuter."

you laugh, the sound bubbling up from deep within you. "aren't you all quadruplets? you all look the same."

urogi pouts, his lips twisting into a playful grimace. "oh, so you agree i'm attractive. but that also implies you don't see a difference between us. surely you can appreciate the polarity."

you squint, taking a closer look at urogi. out of all the brothers, he has the most boyish looks. "hmm, let me think," you say, pretending to deliberate. "i guess you do have a more youthful appearance, like aizetsu."

urogi grins mischievously. "oh, still too vague. let me give you something to compare." and with that, he leans forward and kisses you.

the sensation is both shocking and exhilarating. you're not sure what to do at first, but then you start to respond, letting yourself be swept up in the moment. urogi's lips are soft against yours, and his tongue teases yours playfully before he pulls away, leaving you breathless and flushed.

“so?”

for a moment, the air is heavy with the weight of what just happened. your dazed from the action, words thick on your tongue before you can finally manage,” i’ve … never kissed aizetsu.”

urogi’s gaze goes comically wide,” what? but you guys had such a nice date set up before.”

as urogi's words sink in, your mind races to catch up. you had never considered the possibility that your friendship with aizetsu could be interpreted as something open. the memory of your planned outing together suddenly feels like it's been cast in a new light, and you wonder if maybe you had been sending mixed signals all along.

“it wasn't a date… we were…” where were your words? 

but before you can even begin to sort through your thoughts, urogi's warm breath tickles your ear, and his words pull you back to the present. "were?" he asks, his voice teasing.

your heart flutters in your chest, and you feel a blush rising to your cheeks.

no, not were to imply something had changed.

because nothing had changed. you are—

you open your mouth to speak, but before you can find the words, karaku's voice cuts through the air like a knife.

"urogi, stop. you're confusing her."

you look up to see aizetsu seated across from you, his expression inscrutable. you can't tell if he's angry or hurt, but the tension in the air is palpable.

for a moment, you feel like you're drowning in a sea of emotions, unsure of which way to swim. you don't know what to say, or even if there's anything you can say to make things right.

as the silence stretches on, you become acutely aware of the atmosphere in the room. the low murmur of conversation from the other patrons of the bar seems to fade into the background, leaving only the sound of your own breathing ringing in your ears.

urogi pouts, “i just asked them a question.”

urogi's pout only adds to the surreal atmosphere, as if his expression alone were enough to challenge the laws of physics. aizetsu doesnt relent, “but you didn’t give them a fair sample to compare. you rushed ahead as usual.”

 the brothers continue their conversation, but you find it hard to focus on anything except the electricity that seems to be pulsing through the air.

rushed … ahead..?

just when you think things couldn't get any more intense, aizetsu leans over his brother to cup your face. you're taken aback by the sudden closeness, but before you can even process what's happening, his lips are on yours. the kiss is firm, yet gentle, and you feel your head spin as you lose yourself in the moment. this is the closest you've ever been to him, closer even than during your study sessions.

when he pulls away, you're left gasping for breath, still reeling from the experience. and then, just as suddenly, urogi turns on you. "so now you have a comparison. can you tell the difference?"

you can feel the weight of their gazes on you, but you can't bring yourself to face them. you're not sure if you're ready to handle the scrutiny, not after being kissed by both brothers in such a short span of time. it's all too much, too surreal, and you're struggling to find your footing in this strange new reality.

"look at that flush. now i'm intrigued, you found an interesting one, aizetsu."

you feel a rush of emotions as sekido's words weigh heavy on your mind. was that what they thought of you? were you just another classmate to take advantage of their brotherly bond? the thought makes your heart ache and you feel a sudden urge to leave, to preserve what little dignity you have left.

but before you can make a move, sekido's hand is on your arm, pulling you towards him.

“the two of you are still close from familiarity. they need an outlier to appreciate the variance.”

 you can feel the roughness of his calloused skin against your flesh, sending shivers down your spine. as he cranes your head up, you can't help but feel a flutter in your stomach at the intensity of his gaze.

"pay attention," he commands before dropping his mouth to yours.

sekido's kiss is ravenous and urgent, surpassing any notion of chastity as he devours your mouth. his tongue slips past your lips and explores every inch of your mouth with a hunger that takes your breath away. you try to match his intensity, but your chest heaves as you struggle to keep up with his passion. when he pulls away, your head spins from the sheer force of the kiss.

you're left dazed and disoriented, your mind racing with questions and doubts. how had this night come to this? to be caught in the middle of the brothers, playing with your affection? you can't help but feel like you're in over your head, unsure of where this unexpected turn of events will take you.

“well, suppose it's only fair, eh?”

as karaku approaches, you can feel the energy shift, a palpable tension in the air. his presence is suave, and you find yourself captivated by the way he moves, the way he carries himself with such confidence and grace.

he kneels before you, and you feel a jolt of expectation as he leans in to kiss you. the touch of his lips is electric, a subtle shock that ignites a fire within you. his kiss is practiced, but not cold - he leads you through a dance of passion, his movements sure and fluid, his touch light but commanding.

as he pulls away, you can feel your breath catch in your throat, your heart racing with a mixture of excitement and fear. you are unsure of what just transpired, of what it all means - but one thing is clear: this was no longer a simple game.

his thumb brushes across your lips, and you can feel the heat of his gaze as he looks into your eyes. his voice is low and seductive, a whisper that sends shivers down your spine.

"pretty, pretty," he murmurs. "so what do you think, are we so similar?"

[sgiandubh]

Anon rebelde

Tardes lo que tardes en asomarte por aquí las cosas no cambian o eso puede parecer a un lector ocasional. Lo que ese lector no tendrá en cuenta es la escalada en amenazas y ataques a blogs prominentes en el lado shipper como es tu caso. El nivel de bajeza moral de ciertos mal llamados blogueros y anons no tan anónimos, cuando su verdadero nombre debería ser carroñeros, ha subido varios escalones debido al cambio de actitud sobre todo de Cait en esta promoción. Hemos pasado de la madre superiora con gesto serio, adusto y justo con su compañero de trabajo, casi hermano a la novicia rebelde que no puede parar de tocar, poner cara sonriente y hablar un lenguaje no verbal pero muy sensual con ese mismo compañero desbaratando la retórica vieja y manida del lado oscuro. La ausencia pública de ese nombre que figura en cierto documento añade la dosis necesaria de nervios a cierto sector que se ha vanagloriado de tener la certeza absoluta e indiscutible de la verdadera relación personal que no laboral de Sam y de Cait. Siempre se ha dicho que las cosas tienen que empeorar antes de mejorar y si ese empeoramiento viene en forma de ataques, bienvenidos sean porque eso demuestra que estamos en el buen camino. Fuerza, paciencia y adelante, que son pocos y mal avenidos.

Dear (returning) Anon Rebelde,

Gracias por tu mensaje reconfortante. Era muy necesario y muy, muy apreciado. Y ahora, adelante con la traducción:

'However long it takes to drop by in here, things don't change, or so it may seem to the occasional reader. What that reader won't take into account is the escalation of threats and attacks on prominent blogs on the shipper side, such as yourself. The level of moral baseness of certain so-called bloggers and not-so-anonymous anons, when their real name should be scavengers, has gone up several notches due to the change in attitude, especially Cait's, during this promotion. We have gone from the mother superior with a serious, stern and square attitude towards her co-worker (almost a brother), to the rebellious novice who can't stop touching, putting on a smiling face and speaking a non-verbal but very sensual language with that same co-worker, that destroys the old and trite rhetoric of the dark side. The public absence of a name that appears in a certain document adds the needed dose of tantrum to a certain corner that has boasted of having the absolute and indisputable certainty of the true personal, not work, relationship between Sam and Cait. It has always been said that things have to get worse before they get better, and if that worsening comes in the form of attacks, they are welcome because that shows that we are on the right path. Strength, patience and keep going, because there are few and they are not well-matched.'

I am watching Purv's desperate efforts to remain relevant to her dwindling, credulous minions with an enormous eyeroll and a smirk. What this toxic nincompoop with a HUGE ego never took into account is the reaction my landing in this corner of the fandom has triggered in here first, and then everywhere else. The kerfuffle, the speculation, the Chinese whispers games and then the ones who started to openly and directly question, more or less aggressively, my timing, my purpose, my identity. I will never blame people for merely questioning, of course: however, I am human and judged and blamed I did at least one prominent shipper blogger who shamelessly and tastelessly did so without having the basic courtesy to ask me first and then persisted with the bullshit. However, all the circus made me realize very quickly that shrouding myself by fiction was unnecessary and ridiculous. And I chose to answer all those more and more pressing questions by patiently and deliberately playing my own hand at this poker game, in full honesty.

This is how this fandom has been treated, very quickly, to...

...my own diplo car plate, or heh - a carefully clipped version of it (https://www.tumblr.com/sgiandubh/723038171325169664/you-know-shw-usually-illustrates-her-cryptic?source=share - July 17, 2023)...

...my own voice in a short video (in Romanian, ROFLMAO), while I was filling up above car at the BP pump of Mesogeion Avenue/ Karatheodori street, in Athens (https://www.tumblr.com/sgiandubh/725983370933354496/jeez-louise?source=share - August 18, 2023) - all this after really, really heavily hinting I was an Eastern European...

...my office, my passport and my former daily cup of Greek frappé (https://www.tumblr.com/sgiandubh/732329266407243776/and-in-real-time-from-my-office-in-sorry-no?source=share - October 27, 2023)...

I'll mercifully spare you the rest: the list would be really too long. Suffice to say nothing has been left into the shadows, spare my name. A very easy charade, if one would have spared literally half a minute and two clicks. But that was never offered as such for public consumption and saying otherwise is a LIE. Not surprised.

I am laughing even more when I am reading that I 'recently doxed myself' - a short stroll through my archives shows this:

[Source, LOL: https://www.tumblr.com/sgiandubh/725913426953715712/when-boredom-strikes - August 17, 2023: how is this recent, that's beyond me].

It took the Queen of SOURCES, FACTS AND PEOPLE SHE KNOWS Nothing one year and a half and a self-written Anon to finally spill the beans and triumphantly trumpet 'mystery solved'.

She has been sitting on this for a long while, of course. She kept it as a Plan B, for those moments when shite hit the fan. The real reasons of this desperate choreography are S's recent quip about Shatner and his minion, C's subtle shift during this promo, the unbearable idea shippers are neither stupid, nor scattered in fright and of course, the realization that some blogs are more successful than hers (I seem to share this dubious vainglory with other usual suspects, sorry Marple).

By the way, how comes she never showed up at any Californian promo event or con (and there have been many) in a long while? Doctored pics of the peaks do not count.

[ryuzakemo128]

Grim Reaper Part Nine

Pairing: Poly 141 x female reader / Female reader/ You x Her mental health x König

Content Warnings: Violence, bloodshed, injuries, Premeditated murder on the brain (Female Reader), swearing.

Words: 756

Note: Sorry for a short one. Wanted to get this one out. Next one will be longer I promise.

Masterlist - Prequel - Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six - Part Seven - Part Eight - Part Nine

Supernatural AU — Poem

Credit for Dividers:@cafekitsune + @strangergraphics

Summary: Was I stupid to love you? Was I reckless to help? Was it obvious to anybody else? That I have fallen for a lie. You were never on my side.  Fool me once, fool me twice. Are you death or paradise?

Was I stupid to love you? Was I reckless to help? Was it obvious to anybody else? That I have fallen for a lie. You were never on my side.  Fool me once, fool me twice. Are you death or paradise?

Was I the problem? Did I do something to make you hate me so much? 

Why didn’t you just leave me instead of lying so many times to my face?

Was I stupid to love you? Was I reckless to help? Was it obvious to anybody else? 

I hope you rot in this hell you have made yourself. It’s my last gift I will give to you.

You knew how my life was before I met you. Yet you still did this to me. 

Cold. Calculated. That is all you will ever be.

If I had the power to curse you. I would have done it long ago. 

Once I leave this house, this country all over again. Do yourself a favour. Stay away from me.

Stay far, far away from me.

Otherwise, I can and most absolutely will kill you myself.

If you wish to keep your life.

Stay in your country and I will stay in mine.

I don’t want to be pushed into a corner. But you keep being adamant on doing so.

Don’t blame me when I bite you. Blame yourself for ignoring the warning signs.

You are the reason we are no longer married. Take accountability for your actions and shut the fuck up. 

König. You still don’t know if that’s his actual name or just simply a call sign. He never told you either way. 

But what does it matter? 

The man who had once been the epitome of comfort and support in your life had become a shadow of his former self. The trust that had once been as solid as steel between you had been shattered into a million pieces.

Leaving a gaping chasm of doubt and anger in its place. 

The coldness in his eyes, the way he looked at you now, it was like you were nothing but a stranger to him. 

Someone who had merely crossed his path at the wrong time.

"I will leave, and you won't see me again." you snarl, getting up to get your things.

König remains seated, his expression unreadable. "Reaper, I know you're upset, but we need to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about. You chose to cheat. You made that choice. Suffer the consequences. I'm not the one who needs to explain anything. You're the one who broke our vows.” 

“My life is in my hands. I will not become who you are.” You told him. Your knuckles turning white from the way you turned your hands into fists. You were so tired of the kind of excuses coming from the mouths of men who neither cared nor wanted you around. 

You weren’t going to let König know you again. To choose death than suffer through his presence a second time. It made so much sense to you. You do enough talk. What did you learn from your mistakes? Did you even learn from them at all? 

If he can’t see it. May he drown inside his endless well of pitiful tears. 

You are not his wife, his friend, his punching bag. The call sign ‘Grim Reaper’? You earned it for a reason. Too bad he’s too blind to see it. 

What has eyes but cannot see? 

Escape.

Escape and run faster than he can hope to catch up. 

If he can’t take the hint, then…..you would have to kill him yourself.

Can’t be too hard to kill a six-foot ten adult man, right?

You can hear the shouting between him and his girlfriend. A sickening, twisted grin spreads across your face. Sweet revenge for the child you lost years ago.  Weight began to lift from your shoulders. It wasn’t over by a long shot. But now you know how to twist the knife to get what you wanted in order to leave. 

To head back home where you felt like you belonged completely. 

Home. Your home. 

The one where you don’t have to hide from broken bottles, yelling, shouting, endless need to feel like you have to explain yourself. 

Could it still be there when you go back? Will it still be there now?

[thesummerstorms]

I can acknowledge that the text SAYS that Annabeth Chase worked out her problems with her dad, that her stepmom seemed "nice", and that her "resentment" is described as seemingly unimportant in Blood of Olympus. I can acknowledge the text SAYS that Annabeth's family problems are resolved.

However. That does not mean that I actually buy it. If RR wanted me to accept that outcome, he should have done the actual work of proving it.

Yes we have the scene with the plane and Mrs. Chase telling Percy that Annabeth has a home.

But those two scenes in TTC don't actually work as a source of a resolution to that plot thread because they don't address the root of the problem- Annabeth being hurt by Frederick's neglect and her step-mother 's blame/callousness.

Even if they ARE trying to do better now (which to honest, feels like a cop out to me, almost as if RR just decided he no longer wanted to write that thread and cut it off quickly) the problem lies in what already happened in the past and how badly Annabeth was hurt by it.

She could have died so, so easily, and even if you want to argue perfect intent for the Chase adults (which I don't) she was emotionally fucked up by what happened for years. This has already happened.

But there's not even a hint of an apology or actual reflection on what caused those events and how things need to be moving forward. It's just assumed that TTC automatically fixes everything.

And yes, I actively have a post going around about how an author has to pick and choose their narratives and what they want to focus on for what characters.

But I would argue that RR already chose to make that plot line an important part of the plot- given how it drives Annabeth's motivations and actionals on an emotional level for pretty much all of TTC- it's just that he handled it badly.

If it was going to be addressed, especially if it was going to be "fixed", then we needed more to convince us that Annabeth had reason to trust her parents again. And again, for me one plane scene that doesn't go into what Annabeth has already experienced doesn't work for me personally.

Especially when you look at things like how Annabeth was still living in boarding schools full time, her description of the night she ran away in HOH, her persistent fear of abandonment.

And before anyone brings it up, I do actually have some sympathy for Frederick Chase. I personally am deeply adverse to the idea of having children of my own, so putting myself in his shoes of having been given a whole infant I never wanted and didn't know was a possibility, freaks me out a little too!

BUT. That doesn't change the fact that he had a responsibility as an adult-

to either choose to raise Annabeth fully as his child and accept the responsibility that entailed

OR

to find someone who could take care of her the way she deserved if he was not emotionally or mentally able to fulfill those needs.

I'm not saying any of it would be easy, but he did in fact have a basic obligation to make sure Annabeth was receiving care from SOMEONE. That's basic decency as an adult with some form of power over a child even if he DIDN'T want to be her father.

But his refusal to actually commit to either path just did MORE damage in the long run.

And he's free to try and make amends, I guess. People can change.

But I just don't feel there's enough to show that he really has long term, much less to give ANNABETH reason to believe he has.

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 19

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words: 5k

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Monday, November 23; 9:40 AM - Class.

It's been a week since I returned to camp. Bronze managed to get my leave denied even though I had gone a week without any infractions. The worst part is, I hardly saw her during the week and weekend, even though she stayed too. The only time I'm sure to see her is in the morning during checks and in the evening to catch up on my classes. I could have finished long ago, but the teachers overwhelm us with too much work. It's annoying because I can no longer stand Bronze's silence. Not only is she still mad at me, but she makes it clear. If she wanted to punish me in her way to make me remorseful, she succeeded! I can't even blame her because I'm in the wrong.

Now, with a new week just starting, I content myself with scribbling on my paper at the beginning of class. I don't plan to make as much effort as last week if it means I won't get a pass in the end. I occupy myself as best as I can since the classes don't interest me at all. I'm lost in half the classes because of my backlog and have no desire to catch up. Unlike me, Alexia is very attentive for once. I try to entertain myself without her. I almost regret not deliberately arriving late this morning. I refrained, remembering Bronze's behavior. She would have certainly taken the opportunity to get back at me. I sigh for the umpteenth time in almost two hours to show my displeasure. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here.

- "Well, since I've finished my class and we still have some time... It's time to talk about your specialization for the second semester."

- "Our what?" I asked Alexia.

- "You don't know? We're supposed to choose an option for the second semester."

- "What? Is this a joke?"

- "It's always like this in the second semester. Wiegman Camp is a private school, so it's Wiegman who decides how it operates."

- "And what's the system?" I sighed.

- "I thought you knew. Well, we have general courses in the first semester and have to choose preferred specializations in the second. It's like this for three years. It operates this way so we can change specializations once if we think we chose the wrong path. It's good like this because if we join a new field, we have to catch up on everything ourselves."

- "Basically, I'd be screwed in any field since I wasn't here for the first two years..."

- "Yeah, pretty much," she chuckles.

A stack of papers arrives. I take two sheets before passing it back. I look at the form with curiosity after handing one to Alexia. It's an enrollment form with a list of options. I'm completely lost. I haven't been to classes for two years. How am I supposed to know what I want to do? I sigh, scratching my head. This is an unexpected problem. I would have preferred general courses until the end of the year.

- "You know the drill," starts our teacher. "Three choices are possible. You'll be accepted based on your first-semester report card and the number of available spots."

- "Will the classes be mixed then?" I asked Alexia. "Or will we only be separated for the options?"

- "No, the classes will be mixed," she grimaces at my dismayed expression.

Oh no... This means we risk being separated. Not to mention I'll have a new schedule and new teachers. My situation was fine as it was! Why do they always have to change everything?!

- "The enrollment form is due by the end of the week, with no extensions."

This whole thing already annoys me. End of the week? It's short notice for someone who wasn’t informed and doesn’t know what they want to do. I'm sure everyone already has an idea since they've had this before. I pack up my things as the bell signals the end of class. I'm the first to leave the room. I have five more hours of classes, including the lunch hour. Luckily for me, my morning passes quickly. To be honest, this options thing occupied all my thoughts during my last two hours before noon. I studied the sheet all morning. I reached the same conclusion: Nothing interests me. It's driving me crazy. Luckily, I can finally eat to clear my mind by seeing the others. This joy quickly fades when the main topic is about the specializations. I avoided the discussion until now, but Alba invites me to join by asking a question.

- "And you, Ona? Do you already have an idea where you're going?"

- "No, not really."

- "Join sports with me," she suggests. "It would be cool if we were together for once!"

I furrow my brow as the rest of the table bursts into uncontrollable laughter. A smile escapes my lips. I really like Alba, but she's very clumsy in her approaches. She should know that's not the kind of option that interests me, or she's really dumb. I find it almost adorable that she wants us to be together.

- "You're really dumb," Leah comments. "Ona, in sports?"

- "Everyone knows sports and Ona are like oil and water," her sister adds.

- "But you do jogs with Bronze!" Alba defends herself.

- "I haven't done them for a week. It was just to clear my head before classes. Your sister is right, I hate sports."

I smile at her adorable face. I almost feel bad for disappointing her like this. She's between the shame of proposing such a thing and the sadness of my refusal.

- "Come with Pina and me in engineering then," Patri suggests.

- "Engineering?" I repeat. "I'm good at practical stuff, but not in that field, sorry," I giggle. "I don't know what I'll do yet, I'll see."

- "You have a week to think about it, be careful, it's short," Leah tells me.

- "What are you taking?" I asked.

- "No idea," she shrugs. "Probably the same as the last two times..."

If I want reassurance, I just need to look at Leah. At least I know I'm not the only one lost. Sometimes I wonder why she's here. She doesn't care about anything and doesn't hide it. The proof is in all the infractions she commits. That's why I adore her and think it's mutual.

- "Too bad for you there's no art in the options," Alexia tells me.

- "I admit, I wouldn't have had to think if there was."

Since Bronze's gift, I haven't stopped drawing before bed if I'm not too tired. It's not a passion I would hide since even my supervisor knows about it. Alexia keeps asking to see my drawings. I find it hard to show her because I find my sketchbooks very personal. I tend to prefer sharing my paintings, which are more abstract, but I have no materials to make them. I finally gave in and showed her some because of her persistence. Alexia has a persuasion I underestimate every time. The topic didn't fall on deaf ears, given how the whole table reacted. I'm bombarded with a multitude of questions that I enjoy answering. It's always easier to talk about something you're passionate about. Now I hope my next classes will pass quickly, but it will be difficult given my racing thoughts.

Monday, November 23; 4:10 PM - Hallway.

My day is over. Or almost. Alexia suggested we work together at the library, but I had to decline, reminding her of my obligations with Bronze. So, here I am on my way to her office. Arriving, I'm surprised to find the door closed. It's the first time it has been. This stresses me out even more than I already am. Since my return, things haven't been the same with Bronze. I take a deep breath before knocking. I recognize her voice giving me permission to enter. She looks surprised to see me, given her expression. I quickly notice the empty desk opposite her. It's surprising that Engen is not at her post.

- "Ona," Bronze snaps me out of my thoughts. "What are you doing here? Did you do something I don't know about?"

- "No... Am I not supposed to come to catch up on my classes?"

- "Oh, right. I thought you were done. Well, sit down and leave the door open."

If I had known she would forget, I would have stayed with Alexia... I timidly enter the room while she clears space on her desk. I sit across from her, in my usual spot. She doesn't pay much attention to me and continues her work.

- "Engen isn't here?"

- "She has a day off."

- "Oh."

- "Do you still have a lot to catch up on?"

- "I don't think so. Do you mind if I prioritize my math? I have a test on Wednesday."

- "Not at all, manage as you see fit. It's you who'll stay here longer."

I would gladly do without this obligation, but it doesn't bother me much either. At least I'm at peace here. I'm not a diligent student, but I'm far from stupid. I just lack motivation, and my sigh expresses it well.

- "Bronze?"

- "Hmm? What do you want now?"

- "Never mind, forget it."

I was about to make a big mistake. Fortunately, her sharp response brings me back to reality. I dive into my math without adding anything. She sighs in turn.

- "Come on, talk, I can see you're troubled."

- "No, it's fine, don't worry. My request is ridiculous..."

- "No request is ridiculous if it's thought out. I have the right to judge it myself, don't I?"

I didn't expect her to insist. I know Bronze is naturally curious. The only time she doesn't insist is on taboo subjects related to my past. I nervously run my hand through my hair. I decide to show her instead of answering. I rummage in my bag and hand her a sheet. She takes it under my watchful eye. She quickly furrows her brow, looking up at me.

- "Why are you giving me this sheet? It's for choosing options, right?"

- "Uh...," I say, turning my head, embarrassed by the question I'm about to ask. "I was wondering if you could help me with my choices. I have no idea what I want to do."

- "Wouldn't you rather see this with your parents?"

I sigh, snatching the sheet from her hands. I knew it was a bad idea. I wonder why this idea crossed my mind. It was really stupid of me. I put the form away while answering her.

- "Forget it, I told you it was ridiculous."

- "Hey, don't take it like that," she smiles. "It was just a simple question. Why would you rather see this with me than with them?"

- "I'm not on good terms with my mother," I admit. "You're the only 'authority' I have," I added, miming quotation marks.

- "Why didn't you tell me? By the way, how did your return go? Tell me you still live with them at least?"

I can't help but smile at all her questions. Finally, my request is good. It feels like everything is back to normal, even though it's far from it. I take a deep breath. She has the right to know, after all. I just hope she won't ignore me anymore after our discussion. I couldn't bear it any longer.

- "I live with my mother, her boyfriend, and their son, Joan. So yes, I still live with one of my parents. Otherwise, my return went well until I saw my mother after work on Saturday. We had a violent argument about what happened, but well, it's not new," I shrug. "I cleared my mind by taking Joan to the ice rink and... And by going to a party," I admit, lowering my head.

Making the connection, I realize that Bronze scolded me for the same reasons as my mother. The difference is that Bronze has the right to be mad at me. Unlike my mother, Bronze gives me the chance to defend myself and understand me. She worries about me in a different way.

- You see, this is what I blame you for. Why didn't you come talk to me instead of forgetting your problems for the evening? I gave you my number for this reason. You could have avoided an argument between us too.

- I know, I'm sorry.

My throat is tight. I'm on the verge of crying, realizing my mistakes. Bronze forces me to lift my head, which makes things even harder to face.

- Everything is settled now, isn't it?

- Yes, I learned my lesson... I won't go to parties anymore, and I want to apologize again. I didn't mean to worry you.

She smiles at me in a strange way. I couldn't interpret her expression. All I want now is for her not to be mad at me anymore. I'm determined to listen to her for the rest of the year if necessary.

- If we go back to the first day you set foot here, you would never have said something like that. I'm proud of you Ona, you have evolved a lot since you arrived. I almost... I said almost, regret calling you immature.

I look at her with wide eyes. If she wants me to crack, she's close to succeeding. No one has said such words to me in a long time. I don't know how to feel after so much recognition.

- It's not perfect yet, but your behavior is redeemable, she says playfully.

- It's hard, you know... To get back up when you're at rock bottom.

I swallow hard, thinking back to everything I've been through since my teenage years. I haven't had an easy life. I feel like it's been rough on me, even though I'm partly responsible for some things. I try to convince myself that I'm happy, but that's far from the truth.

- I know, Ona. But you're making progress step by step, and that's very good.

- It's thanks to you, I whisper.

I think she heard my words, but I'm relieved she doesn't bring it up.

- Well, about your wishes, of course I'll help you if you want. You didn't have to be shy. You should know you can ask me anything. My answer was already yes just by hearing your question.

- Thank you...

- I'll finish my file first. It'll take me half an hour. You can continue your math, and we'll discuss it afterward, okay?

- OK, I replied, making her smile.

All my stress evaporated. Bronze has this influence on me, without me understanding how. I'm no longer used to asking for help. I feel embarrassed every time. It's the first time in a long while that I've made a request. Normally, I manage on my own, or Bronze always offers first. That was the case when she helped me during withdrawal. Everything was a proposition. This time it was different. I had to ask her. I tend to forget she's here now. Mapi is probably right. I should confide in her about my past. The only thing that blocks me is that there are so many things that are hard to say out loud. I've kept these topics deep inside, never having had the courage to talk to anyone about them. I push these thoughts away to concentrate actively on my math. I would like to get a good grade for once. It will be difficult given my level. Not only do I have a crappy teacher, but I'm also behind. These are chapters I've already studied in high school, but it's been too long to remember them. I feel like my teacher confuses me more than anything in my logic. I delve into my exercises without paying attention to the time. I started to think that half an hour should be long, so I looked up. It seems I was right. She must have been watching me for a while, given her amused look. I remove the back of my pen from my mouth with slightly red cheeks. I have the habit of nibbling it unconsciously when I'm deep in thought. I deduce that she finished her work because I no longer see a file on her desk. The show I was putting on must have been entertaining for her not to stop me in my work.

- Do you need help, perhaps?

- No, it's fine, thanks, I declined.

Without asking my permission, she takes the sheet full of scribbles. I must have restarted this exercise three times. She smiles before getting up. I don't immediately understand her intention until she sits on the empty chair next to me.

- Everything is wrong. Give me your pen.

I hand it to her without thinking. It's just a simple quadratic equation. I've always been good at math, even if it's not my favorite subject. However, nothing is working out for me this year. I feel like my teacher explains too much for nothing. I was forced to go back to basics because of him. That's what I was doing, but I realized that even I couldn't manage anymore. Bronze studies my sheet attentively. She must be looking for the mistake.

- If your formulas are wrong, you won't get far, she indicates.

She turns the sheet over to the blank back. She rewrites the new formulas as well as the equation before sliding the sheet back to me.

- Here, try again.

- You don't have to do this, we can-

- If I remember correctly, you have until the end of the week to submit your wishes, right?

- Yeah...

- So we have until Thursday evening to study them. The most important thing right now is your math test. We'll work on them together until dinner time.

I blush at the thought of her helping me with my homework. I think it's something that hasn't happened to me since primary school. She smiles at me and places the pen on the sheet. She leans back in the chair, crossing her arms.

- Come on, get to work, she orders. I want all the exercises you do tonight to be mastered when you leave my office.

- It's going to be hard to catch up on two years...

- Is it like this in all subjects?

- Not all, but most, yes...

- I don't understand why they put you in the final year if you haven't studied since high school, she murmurs, probably more to herself than to me.

- I was good in high school, I shrugged. My mother must have had something to do with it.

- Well, let's start by working on your math tonight. It would be a shame if you got a bad grade when you're trying so hard. For the other subjects, come see me if you have any problems.

- I don't want to bother you...

- If I offer my help, it's not a bother. The last thing we need is for you to fail your final exam.

- You really don't have to do this, Bronze...

- It makes me happy, I assure you. Don't hesitate to ask for help. I'm here for that too.

I don't know what to say to her. I doubt she's here to help me with my studies. But it's reassuring to know she'll be there if I have questions. I smile at her timidly before leaning over the sheet she points to. I start the equation again for the umpteenth time, with the correct formulas this time. Bronze watches me attentively while I work. It's strange to be under such supervision. It hasn't happened since I was old enough to do my homework alone. What delights me the most is that we're finally talking normally again after a week of silence. When I finish, I show her what I've done. She looks for a moment before smiling.

- See, when you want to! Give me that, she asks, pointing to my pen.

I see her write a new equation next. I don't complain. She's doing this to help me after all. I get back to work without a word. We continue this way for a good hour. She gave me simple equations at first to get me back on track, then she gradually increased the difficulty. On top of that, she varied the equations to cover all the chapters I've studied this year. If I got stuck on something, she took her time to explain my mistakes and gave me another one to do right after. I must be on my fifth rough draft sheet since we started. I admit I'm starting to get slightly fed up. While I don't mind continuing, it annoys me when I can't get it right. That's exactly what's happening with the sign tables. I think it's the tenth time she's explained the principle, but I still don't understand and I'm starting to lose patience. I hate when I don't get something right away. It often means I'll never understand.

- Make an effort, Ona. Focus, it's not that complicated!

- I can't do it! You can see I'm always getting it wrong! I grumble in frustration.

- Why did you put "plus" here? she asks me.

I remain silent in response to her question. I'm afraid of giving the wrong answer. Bronze sighs. She must be as annoyed with the situation as I am. She gets closer to the paper, and therefore to me as well.

- Did you listen when I explained it to you?

- Of course! I retorted.

- Then explain to me. Why did you put a "plus" here? she points to the table.

- Because it follows the sign of "a"? I say in the form of a question, not being sure.

-Are you sure?

She leans back in her chair again, crossing her arms when she realizes my hesitation. She just wants to destabilize me to see if I’m sure of myself, and she succeeds perfectly. She already did this earlier by asking me a question when my answer was correct. This time, I don't dare to respond immediately. I prefer to think it over to be sure, but I get nowhere. I groan in frustration, throwing the pen on the desk. I watch Bronze pick it up with an amused smile. I was about to make a remark, but we get interrupted by someone knocking on the door. We both instinctively turn to see Alexia at the door. I furrow my brows, not understanding why she’s here.

"Hello, Bronze."

"Hello, Alexia," she smiles.

"Were you looking for me?" I ask.

"Yeah, it's seven o'clock. We’d like to have dinner with the others, so I wanted to know if we should wait for you or go ahead?"

Is it already seven o'clock? I hadn't noticed the time passing. I first look at my unfinished exercise on my sheet before glancing at Bronze. I’d like to go, but I’m not sure she’ll let me before I finish.

"Don’t look at me like that. Of course, you can go. I’m hungry too. Just finish this exercise by tomorrow and think about the question I asked you."

"Are you serious? You’re giving me homework for tomorrow?" I ask, astonished.

"Remind me who we're doing this for?"

I roll my eyes, unable to argue. She’s taking time out of her day to help me, after all. I sigh but nod. I gather all my things that have invaded Bronze’s personal space and put them in my bag.

"Alright, for tomorrow. Always after my classes?"

"Always, you haven't finished catching up on your courses yet."

"At this rate, I’ll never make it," I laugh.

"Don’t say that, we made good progress tonight. We reviewed all your equation chapters in just two hours."

It's true that it's not bad for two hours. The best part is that I almost understood everything. I understand Bronze’s explanations so much better. She hands me my pen, and I put my things in my bag. I zip it up and stand to stretch my legs. I put my chair away and smile at Bronze, who has also stood up.

"Thanks for your help..."

"No problem. Don’t hesitate next time."

She walks around the desk to get her jacket after tidying up her desk.

"Well... Have a good dinner and a good evening."

"Thanks, you too. See you tomorrow."

We smile at each other before I join Alexia, who has been waiting at the door since the beginning. We leave, and she waits until we're far enough to talk without anyone eavesdropping.

"You kept your personal study sessions with Bronze a secret from me," she teases. "So, things are better with her now?"

I must have told Alexia about my weekend and how Bronze found out I was out partying. I would have preferred to avoid it, but Bronze’s behavior towards me hadn’t gone unnoticed. She inevitably asked questions that I had to answer. This earned me some remarks from her, agreeing with Bronze. I then had to reassure her that I didn’t intend to go back to drugs. My last withdrawal was more than enough.

"It’s not what you think. She just helped me when she saw I was struggling. Otherwise, I think things are better... We talked a bit and I’d say the tension has been relieved."

"Yeah! Anyway, I’m glad she’s talking to you again. It seemed like you were about to fall into a depression because of her ignoring you."

"Nonsense!" I retort, hitting her shoulder.

"Oh yes! You didn't even realize. How did you get her to listen? Because she didn't seem like she wanted to let you explain yourself."

"I asked her to help me with my preferences..."

"Oh yeah? Why?"

"I have no idea what to do... I haven't been in school for two years because of my detox and all that. So, we talked about it, and I ended up apologizing for my mistake on Saturday night..."

"Well, at least it ended well. Did she say yes to help you with the preferences?"

"Yes, yes. We're going to discuss it before Friday."

"That's cool of her. I find her cooler since you’ve been here."

"Bronze cooler? Are you kidding me? She was mad at me for a whole week!"

"You asked for it," she giggles. "But seriously, it’s true. She rarely takes care of anyone else besides you now, and it seems like she's nicer to you than the other students."

"Oh no, she’s not nicer to me," I grimace. "She’s demanding. Should I remind you that she banned me from all parties during my free time and threatened to revoke all my outings from the camp if I come back in a state?"

"She banned you from parties?" she exclaims. "Because of your last weekend?"

"Yeah," I sigh. "I guess I asked for it according to her."

"Yeah, but still! You're right, it's exaggerated! It's normal to go out when we’re free. She shouldn’t have the right to forbid you from doing things outside the school grounds."

"Except she’s completely right."

"Yes, but still... She shouldn’t. She has no influence outside, normally. She doesn't even have a way to verify it."

"True, except I'm a terrible liar in front of her," I laugh. "I mean, she knows everything I do here down to the second, so I have this impression it's the same when I’m outside."

"I see," she giggles. "If you’re acting strange, it’s normal for her to notice something’s wrong."

"At the same time, she has that look that makes me talk, you know? She has so much influence over me now that just talking about it, I feel like I could feel bad at a party just thinking I'm disobeying her."

"Are you serious?" she bursts out laughing. "I didn’t know Bronze scared you that much! Everyone thinks you’re the one who isn’t impressed... You’re breaking my heart, shattering the legend," she says dramatically, putting her hands to her heart.

"Shut up," I laugh. "You’re really stupid, you know that!"

I gently hit her, joining her laughter. We change the subject when we reach the cafeteria. I like talking to her, but I don't really want to discuss this topic with or in front of the others. Alexia is the person I’m closest to here, and that's just fine with me. The others are already at the table waiting for us. So, Alexia and I quickly get our food to join them and finish my evening more calmly.

[aspiring-writer-hidden-voice]

🧊

“This is it…”

I hear you whisper and the crunching of snow beneath your shoes while entering the dilapidated and once impressive military grounds. Another intruder? That’s the twentieth one this month. With a sigh, I move from where I had been seated within what had been my private tent and step out into the snow.

The temperature today is in the negatives, appropriate for the heart of winter season. To those not of Belobog it was difficult to distinguish them apart from one another but for us who were born and raised here it’s clear to identify. For several moments I simply watch as you walk around the remains of this military camp. You certainly are a curious one. Which is dangerous.

“You are not authorized to be here. Leave.”

A little scowl threatens to form on my face when you freeze with a shriek before spinning around on your heel, eyes wide and fawn-like. You clearly can’t see me, judging from how your head is swiveling, but I calmly approach, allowing the snow to reveal my movements as I come to a stop to your right.

“I’ll say it once more…leave. It’s not safe for you—“

“It’s you.”

If I had a breath, or a beating heart, I would swear they would hitch as your head suddenly snaps in my direction. There’s no denying it now that I’m closer: our gazes have met.

You. Can. See. Me.

No, this is impossible. No one’s bee capable of this…so why you? What makes you so special?

“State your name.”

My eyes narrow as you blink up at me. You’re probably as surprised as I am with this turn of events. However, specter or not, my patience, even when alive versus in death, is starting to wear thin.

“Have you no voice or tongue in that mouth of yours? Speak. Who are you?”

The moment your name slips between those lips of yours it’s as if I feel that blow which had taken my life, twisting and burying into my still chest. It can’t be…it’s impossible…it’s been years since the Astral Express crew had been here last when assisting with the Stellaron. And yet you appear as though you haven’t aged a single day…

“…Gepard…”

And then you whispered my name…that voice which I recognize now with that face…it felt as if the plane of existence I had found myself trapped upon suddenly became warm.

Slowly, I lower to one knee within the snow. I haven’t felt the cold since my death in battle, it no longer soaks into my Silvermane Guard uniform that is torn in several places nor does it cause the metal pieces of my armor to grind loudly in creaks when I move. My head slowly bows, one gloved hand rising to rest against my chest as it suddenly feels heavy.

“It’s been too long, Trailblazer…I apologize for the state of which I am before you. I swore to you, and my beloved Belobog citizens, that I would protect from all harm. And yet I have clearly failed—“

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.”

My head snaps up, my azure gaze which had been similar to sapphires meeting your own to shockingly find yours spilling tears. Rising to stand I want nothing more than to reach out to you, to comfort or attempt to ease your guilt. But I never can touch anything again.

“This wasn’t your fault. None of it was. You had the path you chose to traverse, I had my own. No one is to blame for this…so, please, don’t blame yourself for this.”

It’s as tears spill down your cheeks that I can’t resist anymore and I step closer, attempting to touch your cheek with a pained expression…only for your tears to pass through my fingers then land in the snow in frozen droplets. Your name slips from my lips as the very hand I had raised slowly clenches into a fist, trembling slightly as I curse the monster for the millionth time who had made my heart stop beating. It wasn’t enough that it had taken away my life but me away from those who relied upon me?!

“…I miss you so much…Gepard…”

Hot, searing emotion suddenly floods my being as I watch helplessly while you meltdown in front of me. Your sobs ring across the ruins of war, the snow capped rocks, and remains of monsters which have been preserved in the freezing temperatures. And it makes my non-existent heart twist. What can I possibly do or say in hopes of easing your anguish?

Force of habit makes my shoulders rise in a breath I will never need, I softly hum that stupid little turn that belonged to one of my sister’s songs. You always seemed entertained whenever you caught me lost in thought humming it to myself. It was an embarrassing habit of mine, I hated to admit.

Slowly, your tears cease and raise your head once more so our gazes meet, my clenched fist relaxing as I once again attempt to reach out to wipe your face clean of the tears—

—and felt the world tip when your hand rises in time for our fingers to brush. Well, they would have brushed if I were alive, but now they simply pass through, leaving only the faint traces of your warmth behind. I shake my head when your expression suddenly becomes determined.

I know that look all too well: you are going to try to achieve the impossible.

[some-pers0n]

Oh yeah I forgot to share this pretty angsty lil' letter from Clearsight to Darkstalker. Kinda like the letters in AGTTDW. How goofy :]

Editor's Note: This is a letter recovered from Clearsight's tomb, unearthed in 5,013 AS. Date of when the entry was written is unclear, but assumed to be the end of her life.

I wonder if you dream. A part of me wishes you did. Another wants you to remain in darkness forever. I don't know what to believe. Even after all of these years, I still feel like the same, innocent dragon. Like all of my growth and change on this continent cancels the moment you cross my mind.

You were my love. You were everything to me. Even when you fell into your path, I still mourn you.

I know it's foolish. Writing this letter addressed to the dragon I know fully well is sealed away is foolish. You cannot read this. You are gone. Not dead, as you can never die, but gone. I hope you fade into obscurity as you rest under the mountains, locked in an eternal sleep. I hope that, when I and everyone you harmed have passed on, your name is never uttered again.

And yet I love you. For what reason I can only theorize. You are an eternal enigma to me. You were my light. You were the dark that almost swallowed me whole. I had hopes that you and I would have a family and live happily. You dreamt of ruling the world with utmost tyranny and ruthlessness.

Do you still dream of that? If you can dream, of course. I would hope to believe that, somewhere in your subconscious, you reform. Reflect. Through millennia of contemplation, you learn to remove that evil from your soul. I would hope that, if you ever return to the surface, you emerge a changed dragon. The dragon whom I loved.

The dragon I love now is different. The life I love now is different. Because of you, I traveled to a continent far beyond our imagination. I recall late-night conversations of exploring the world. We would joke and laugh over the prospect of being some grand adventurers. It's a shame I am the only one to fulfill that wish.

Pantala is beautiful. You would have loved it. It's more than anything you and I could have ever dreamed of. My husbands and children are more than anything I could have wanted from life. They still thank me for warning them of the hurricane that brought me here. I wonder if you would've saved them had you received that vision. If you had seen the destruction that would've befallen the continent and chose to save it out of the goodness of your heart or leave it to rot. Perhaps you might have saved it to exploit them. To let them worship you.

You wanted that the most out of life. A part of me feels guilty I am surrounded by love while the only company you have is the lonely cave you are trapped in. A part of me lavishes in it. Yet, I knew that's what you wanted most. Love. It's what made you the way that you are. Your love, both your search and way of displaying it, is the reason for this future.

You blamed your father for everything. Arctic. I never once heard you talk of him with anything more warm than a hateful sneer. I knew even before I met you that you hated him. I had seen visions of you killing him. Some with pity. Some far more gruesome than I could have ever imagined. You saw him as the catalyst. That he instilled the ideas you held.

I do not doubt that. I had been around Arctic long enough to understand what he did to you and your family. I had heard the stories, both from you and Whiteout. He was a monster in his own right.

You were a monster in a wholly new way. A monster that I deluded myself into believing I loved the current version of. I loved the future version. I loved the Darkstalker in my visions who treated me with respect. The one that would never use his magic unless it was for the one-off spell for an anniversary gift. The one who would be there at my side when I needed him most. The one who loved me for who I was and not what I represented.

You were not that dragon. You had the same scales and you talked the same, but you were not him. You were a dragon who I watched be corrupted by rage and hatred for the world. You were angry at Arctic. You were angry at the world. You felt as though you knew better than anyone. You were the savior. You would bring the continent to its glory with you at the top.

I did not love that dragon, but you loved me. You thought you could trick me. You thought you could warp my mind and shape me into somebody agreeable and nice. That earring is when I knew for certain you could never be the dragon I loved. You saw me as a partner, but I saw you as nothing more than a force of evil cloaked in the scales of the dragon that was my soulmate.

I feel conflicted about everything you were, are now, and could've been. I did love you when you were alive. I loved the future version. I don't know what now. I am nearing the end of it all, and I still cannot find a proper answer.

I always find myself asking whether you dream. I dream of you. They are nightmares no matter what way I spin them. Even when they are memories of the days we would laugh and play, I wake up with tears in my eyes. I wonder if when I die I'll be granted the luxury of a sleep without you. I want my last thought to be of my friends and family on Pantala. I want to think of what I've done rather than my past. Rather what could have been.

I know this letter may never reach you. Maybe it does, and it is simply that my powers have finally found their limit. I write for some release. Closure. That, when this is sealed away in my tomb, it remains with me. That the memories of everything you've ever done die with me.

I am not the dragon I was when I sealed you away, and yet in many ways I still am. I still hold a flicker of love for you, despite knowing that you can never be the dragon I wanted.

I remember that brief moment when I wanted to stay next to you when the earthquake would cause the mountain to collapse. I felt so grief-stricken over the loss of you that I wanted nothing more than to die next to you. I made the best choice. I know I did. The alternative was me dying when I was a young, naive child.

Yet I can't help but still feel I should have. My love for you persists to that extent. I love you. I hate you. I want nothing more than you to rot under that mountain. I wish could dream of a world where life could have been different. A life where we both made it work. Where we were happy.

Darkstalker, you were my love. Perhaps in another, more kinder life, we could be together.

Dream of our dragonets if you can.

Clearsight

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for stranding my character in a desert wasteland?

I suppose this may take a bit of explaining, won’t it?

I (rude question, M) will say that in the past I have had a rather… difficult time making decisions for myself. I’m a… well, technically I’m a ‘game designer,’ and I had this wonderful idea for a new game. But I lacked a good protagonist! I assumed that given the right character, they could also assist me in making decisions for the game. It was a wonderful idea, if I do say so myself.

Eventually, I stumbled on just the right man for the job. He (34, M) is a rather boring fellow, but he seemed very good for my intentions. He would even fit right in to the setting I’d been imagining— how wonderful is that! Finding the perfect character is an almost unparalleled feeling.

I truly thought the process would be straightforward— direct him down the correct path, have an interesting plot twist here and there, and my game would be perfect. But right from the get-go, he began defying my instructions. You give a man clear expectations, and he decides to go against exactly what you say! Really, how rude is that!?

I had a script prepared and everything, but he simply was not keen to follow my instructions, forcing me to improvise instead!

Despite it all, I was helpless to stop him— not even my control over the setting could help. As much as I attempted to remove possible choices, they would either return on their own, or he would find a way to make them anyways. It was terribly frustrating, but I’d grown rather attached to him as a protagonist at that point, and I was dead-set on making it work.

Fast-forward a little while, and my game actually did catch on! Something about my character being able to make his own decisions was rather appealing to my audience, and so begrudgingly, I chose to let him stay.

However, the developers made the decision to make a sequel of my game— which had absolutely the intention to stain the integrity of my original game. They didn’t even think to give it any worthwhile features!

Despite it all, my protagonist decided that he enjoyed these pointless features, and I could tell the developers were winning him over. But no, no, I couldn’t have that!

You see, I had an area that I’d stashed within my game— one that only I knew about, one very, very special to me. It contained every one of my positive experiences with my original game, so I could remember it without any blasphemous new additions attempting to appeal to a wider audience.

Now that my protagonist was wanting the features of the ‘new game’, I decided to bring him to this area, in an effort to remind him how good the old game truly was.

I’ll be honest, I don’t really remember what happened next— my protagonist seemed rather distraught by it, kept telling me he was happy to see me again— as if I had gone somewhere, hah! I wouldn’t abandon my game like that, I don’t know where he could’ve gotten the idea.

But either way, I had a new idea on how to win him back over— a burst of new ideas and features that I chose to implement into the old game! Beat that, developers!

At this point, my protagonist had settled into his routine of going against what I said, but at least he was listening to me some of the time.

I’ll admit, it was rather nice. No longer did it seem I had to fight with him, and I had even developed a script for every wrong choice he made! No more surprises.

…However, that is, until he got UNREASONABLY attached to one of the new features I’d implemented.

I wouldn’t blame him it he simply liked the object I had given him, but no! He carried it around everywhere he went, and even had the gall to get upset when he lost it!

And not only that, but this progressed into him thinking that it was speaking to him! Can you believe it!? And because of that, he began ignoring me for the sake of following perceived directions from this object!

I gave that thing to him because I’d noticed he was lonely, and obviously I couldn’t be there with him, so I thought that it may be nice for him to have something else to hold.

However, it all came to a point where I was going over good memories I had shared with him, and instead of listening to me, he blatantly told me that he wanted his bucket back.

I suppose it was a sort of ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ situation, as it were. I was done with him and his bucket-loving nonsense, and I didn’t NEED him to make my decisions anymore. And so I cast him outside of the game, into a desert wasteland, because it was the only other map I had on hand.

I will admit, for posterity sake, that I do miss him sometimes. He was a wonderful protagonist, and if I could bring him back, I certainly would. But I simply do not think I could deal with the fact that he’d chosen an object over me. Me! The man who’s been with him since the start!

So, dear reader— am I truly the asshole in this situation?

Edit: What’s with all this nonsense in the comments? I keep saying MY protagonist because he is the protagonist to my game! It’s simply easier to type! I don’t know what you all are implying, but it certainly doesn’t have the connotations you think it does.

[blue-violin]

The dragon prince season 7 spoilers

Season 7 got me so mad (happy new year, by the way)

•Seeing Ezran almost fall into bitterness was heartbreaking. No one supported him the way he should have been supported.

(Can't really blame them. Everybody was fighting their own situations)

•I loved Rayla from season 1 to season 6, but the way she acted when Ezran refused to forgive Runaan was annoying to me. What was she expecting? "Oh the one who took my father from me? Oh Yeah he can go, bye!!"

Hopefully, she makes it up. She's still Rayla <3

•Aanya being loyal is everything. Since her first appearance, she did nothing wrong.

•Zubeia did Rex Igneous dirty by distracting him bruh :/

•I just knew what Aaravos would do to Karim because we know he hates people blinded by power and traditions. It was SO satisfying.

•Callum went through a lot. He needs the biggest rest. I was a little disappointed because his plan didn't work and now we've got to wait 7 years. Obviously, I'm glad he is still alive. I don't think I've ever been mad at something Callum did. In this season he decided to give Rayla support for her whole family thing. He knew he would come back for Ezran. I just hope we'll see more of their fraternity, just like season 1 and season 2.

•Rayllum still did its work this season. We stan

•Zym being stressed around Ezran </3

•Zym SPEAKING ???

•So we just had to give Ethari back his partner to be alright

•I never thought I would prefer Viren over Claudia. He realized all he did was wrong. He tried and looked for redemption and a new life and forgiveness. He tried to convince Claudia to change and leave the darkness behind, and She refused. She chose her path. Yes, Viren was the one showing it to her, and he tried to make up his mistake. Claudia claims to be the same nice girl and she is convinced of it. At this point who can help her ?

Her own father wants her to leave him alone.

Aaravos is now a father figure to her, someone who could make her keep going the dark things, which is something I suppose she grew up with. I don't even get her goal anymore.

Her brother leaves. Her father leaves. Her boyfriend leaves. I mean, even I would question myself.

•Oooooh and the plan of making an illusion of her mother was so annoying. Of course, they didn't have the time to look for Soren and Claudia's mother but could have at least tried. I felt bad watching it. It was straight-up manipulation :/

•And let's be honest, the plan of Aaravos of tormenting the high stars thingies is confusing I didn't even understand. It won't even bring back his daughter.

•King Harrow? Hello ??

[ben-talks-art]

We need to make "explain but doesn't excuse you" a more popular sentence

I was thinking back to my list of favorite characters, and how I have people like Rameses in it and thought to myself "Why do I like this guy again...?" and then I started to recall why I was so into his story, and honestly ended up liking him even more.

Something that I noticed about the way writers try to handle backstories nowadays, is that they love to use a sad past to make people be on a character's side and then proceed to absolve them of their crimes.

Like, we love redemption arcs, we love character development, we love bad guys turning good... But I feel like we might love it a bit too much, as if we were waiting to forgive a character for all they did before even getting to them realizing the mistakes they made.

People love picking a villain they're into and going "Oh, it's not their fault, it's because they were raised that way, it's because they were abused as kids, it's because they lost someone they loved, it's because society treated them like trash, it's because they never had friends, it's because their girlfriend dumped them on Christmas eve..." and so on.

There is an obsession with "My character did nothing wrong because their past justify their actions!"

And here's something people tend to forget. A past explains one's actions but doesn't justify it.

Being abused by society, being trained by terrible morals, being oppressed and attacked... they all explain why someone would think it's okay to hurt others, but doesn't actually justify them hurting others.

Just because we know why someone's doing all the things they do, doesn't make the stuff they do any less bad.

This is why I love Rameses. They show the human side of him, they show he wasn't just born evil, they show that he could have been a decent person if he just had the right people to raise him.

They could have so easily made him just a cartoon villain who happened to be born evil and take joy in making others suffer under his command, but no, they show how he became this way, how he went from just a regular kid to a tyrant unable to feel sorry for others' pain and suffering, who was so brainwashed by the traditions of his family that he couldn't even process the harm he was bringing to others and why he couldn't even see the slaves as actual people in agony.

And, again, what I like about this story is that they explain how he became this way, but they don't paint him as blameless. The story acknowledges that he has blood in his hands, even if he himself doesn't, and it makes sure that he pays for what he did, even if what he did was the result of a long process of terrible lessons being passed down by generations that he didn't start.

At some point he became an adult, he became free from his father's command, free to make his own choices, and free to listen to the right people, free to look at what his actions were causing...

He had agency for his choices... And he still made the wrong decisions.

I feel like if others tried to tell this story today, they would either have made Rameses more evil from the start so you wouldn't feel bad for the tragedy that befalls him, or they would give him some sort of realization where he thinks about the harm he did and develops a change of heart in the last second.

I keep thinking about how there was a group of people going "Azula did nothing wrong!" when the new live-action Avatar show started and they basically tried to move all the blame from her to her "big bad evil father."

It makes me wonder if they released Prince of Egypt today, if there would be some sort of revisionism where people would try to argue that Moses is the villain for "not saving his brother" or something like that.

To the point I'm beyond curious about how things are going to end up in Arcane, since that series has a very similar story with two siblings that ended up splitting apart and reuniting but realizing that they were completely different in the paths they chose to follow, with one trying to fix the errors from the past and the other embracing them and trying to view them as part of who they are.

Is Arcane gonna go all the way and make Jinx an irredeemable monster that needs to be taken down, or are they gonna try to pull a "deep down, Powder is still there!" stuff?

I really hope they don't. I hope they give her an ending similar to Rameses where he's defeated but doesn't even get the luxury to die, just left alone and powerless while watching his most beloved family member moving on with his life while he's still stuck in the past and suffering the consequences of his actions and realizing that he achieved nothing.

And what I especially like about his ending is that even at this point he still doesn't realize why he's being punished so much, just showing at full power the danger of ignorance and refusing to see what's right in front of you.

It would be a terrible tragedy, but I think it would make for a great message.

[createyourownnarrative]

Usually I try not to post too much about Long Covid on my regular FB feed. I’ve learned to just not do it. It’s best I save those posts for my support groups where I can get the support I need from people going through the same struggle.

But I need to get this off my chest.

I always knew I wanted to be an artist. I dabbled in many mediums over the years, photography, music, painting, film/media, writing, I’ve made sculptures. I truly enjoy expressing myself through various art forms, and connecting with others through that.

In 2010-2011, after years of working job after job trying to find my passion (when most of my friends were already college graduates with direction) and feeling a little lost, in the retail industry, I put my foot down, went back to school and chose a medium, & decided to pursue THAT. One medium I truly always loved: Photography. In 2012, I exhibited my work for the first time. In 2020 I opened up my first photo studio. A creative space where I can share and make memories. 1 month later, a global pandemic overturns our worlds and realities. I never would have imagined, that, in our lifetime. You just don’t think it could happen to you (to us). But it did. It’s still so surreal to me.

I got sick with Covid twice. I knew some people who had covid over 4-8 times. I had it twice. It only took that first bout with the virus to completely change my life. My body. My mind. My worries. My perspective. My whole world. And my future. I thought I almost had it figured out, my path, my plans, my goals. What I wanted to do, and where I wanted to go. Who I wanted to be. Now i’m grateful that I make it through my day, without collapsing. (which has happened and was very scary). My last two photography jobs, I couldn’t feel my hands. It’s why I’ve been so inactive, since I got sick. Whats going to happen when I can’t take pictures anymore?

When I tested positive for the first time, I cried in the cab ride home. I was beyond terrified. What will this mean? Will I survive this? What is going to happen. I thought if I can get through the virus and live, that’s all I could want. Some months before, I had lost a high school friend, a fellow musician, to Coronavirus. He was only 32 years old. We didn’t know what would happen. Who was at risk of death. After 9 or 10 days, with the virus. I tested negative, and returned to work. Feeling good, that I survived. Especially after day 4, when I woke up gasping for air in the night. I feared I wouldn’t wake up. I got blamed for testing positive by people around me. It was “my fault”. For “not being careful”. I felt so alienated. After I returned to work, I was preparing to move, packing, organizing, purging. One day, I could not get out of bed. And strange heavy symptoms. I thought I had Covid again. Of course the test came back negative.

But I would never be the same again. I never fully recovered from getting sick. Stuck back in 2020.

Do you know what it’s like? I see the world moving on. Almost like it never happened. Our government lying and covering up facts/truth. We are still sick. Still here. 18 million people in America are still sick with Post Covid syndrome. I’m left to feel like it’s my fault..I’m to blame. Because I “didn’t take care of myself.” Would you say that to someone with cancer? Or fibromyalgia? Or heart problems? Or Alzheimer’s? Or diabetes? Or any other illness? The stigma I’m (and we are) facing is unreal. People don’t believe me when I say “I still can’t taste and smell” and that I’m chronically ill now. “You don’t look sick”. “It’s because you party too much”. “you’re getting older” “it’s all those long nights you work on your feet”. I’ve heard it all. “But I see you at the bar working”. I have to work. There is no disability, go fund me, or assistance. I have to pay my rent. On my own. So I need to work. But just because you see me, at work, doesn’t mean I’m well. It just means I’m pushing myself to stay alive. It’s been true torture working through all this. I mourn and grieve for weeks and months at a time. It hasn’t stopped. It took me a long time, to accept that this is not going away anytime soon.

And my heart is broken. I feel left out in the rain. By our leaders, scientists, doctors, friends I thought I had. There is no community support. Even if someone believes you’re sick. No funding/fundraisers for LC. There is no cure, no pill, no treatment, no progress in finding treatment or biomarkers in the body to be able to even test for LC. The unpredictability of it. The symptoms. It’s really been torturous. Torture. A true nightmare. Having to sit in the shower so I don’t fall. Or hit my head (again) Doubling heart rate just upon standing. I get winded just talking and singing karaoke. I forget everything now. I slur my speech, sober. Tremors like Parkinsonism. My memory loss and constant issues feel like dementia-brain fog. I forget how to spell now. my hands turn purple red and blue when I step out of the shower. Migraines that last for months. Months. I take Tylenol like it’s medication. Neuropathy, nerve pain, nerve itches, tingling and numbness. My body temperature can’t regulate, so I often am cold and hot simultaneously. How do you remedy that? The discomfort and distress I feel is unbearable. Loosing clumps of hair. My hair is greying more and more rapidly post covid. Brittle nails. Skin issues. Digestive issues. Eye problems. Cognitive difficulties. Joint pain. Muscle pain. Muscle atrophy. Weakness. Severe severe fatigue. Almost like you worked out at the gym, full body then took a benadryl. Every. Fucking. Day. I’m tired of being so fucking tired. Before Covid, people would always have to tell me to slow down. Working full time, school, internships, photography, going to the gym full time. I always took on so much. I had so much energy and drive. It was a fire in me.

Now it’s gone. A piece of me has died, undoubtedly. And I question everything now. Most days I’m afraid to leave my house. And don’t. Unless it’s to work. If I do leave my house, it’s because I’m pushing myself, and I’m not well. My anxiety and depression are much worse. Chronic illness has also taken its toll on my mental health. It’s been draining trying to keep up with the world. I feel left behind. I’m not only mourning my health, and my abilities, but my passion in life, the one thing I worked so hard for. My future. And Photography. What do I do, if I can’t create anymore? What purpose do I have?

No one believes me, or think LC exists. And if I don’t “show up”, it’s because “she’s a flake”. I’m in such a dark place you may never understand. How do I navigate this life? Being sick every day.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Meryl, Luida, and Bridging the Gap

This is just a quick little side-note I wanted to make about the similarities between Meryl and Luida that I noticed as I was reading, and how they end up occupying similar, yet complementing roles in the story.

***Disclaimer: I was sick when I wrote this and my head is full of fog lmao. If I have completely left out a word or something... don't even worry about it it's fine.

First off, on a surface level, they both are characterized as capable, intelligent, level-headed women, who are suddenly thrust into leadership positions, with Meryl being assigned the task of tracking down and mitigating the damage caused by Vash the Stampede plus looking out for her new protégé, Milly, and Luida stepping up to take charge of Ship 3 and its residents after Doc's death.

While the demand placed on them both is immense, nonetheless, they are shown to be quite capable of shouldering this kind of responsibility - however, given their intense focus and objective-driven personalities, they actually both get scenes where they are somewhat horrified by their own temporary prioritization of objectives over morality. We see this with Meryl in Trigun Volume 1 when she doesn't react in righteous anger to Badwick threatening his parents and had shut herself off from writing to her own in pursuit of her job, and with Luida when she briefly considers the idea of another July incident to stop Knives. Both think negatively of themselves for this - of course, I'm of the mind that since they are upset with themselves on reflection, this proves the exact opposite, really. I think they both have hearts of gold, they're just under a lot of stress, especially as time goes on. The two of them are human beings who falter, but whose morals ultimately align closely with what Vash wants to see in the world. Really, what the two of them hate most here is the idea of their own inaction or taking the easy way in the face of wrongdoing - a concept that drives them into action going forward.

[ID: Two images from Trigun and Trigun Maximum. The first is from Trigun Volume 1. Over images of trees and Badwick's father, Meryl says "But I... I just stood there and took it all in without even budging. I am such a cold person. I chose this path of blood and tears without thinking about the rest of my life. All I can see is what's right in front of me." Meryl starts to cry as she continues, "Why could I not see... that when I closed myself off to him, something was wrong? I..." She then slaps her cheeks and says "No... never mind!" The second image is from Trigun Maximum Volume 8. A single tear runs down Luida's cheek. Meryl says "Miss Luida...?" Her back turned to Meryl, Luida says "I'm sorry. I... was thinking for a moment. If something like July would happen again... it could stop Knives, but... ... I'm a terrible woman. End ID.]

Both of them also have a connection to Vash's past that gives them a different perspective on him as a person, instead of just an ally - Meryl, of course, gets brain-blasted in Volume 5 with Vash's memories (poor thing), but Luida is also more familiar with him than even a lot of the people on Ship 3, it seems - enough that she calls him out for blaming himself after the attack, clearly used to hearing this from him. She also is the one to clear up at least some of Wolfwood's confusion and uncertainty.

We also get this interesting parallel of them both watching Vash walk away to face Knives, him having rejected their offers of help. It's something that clearly saddens them both, as they watch him fight alone again and again, and wish he wouldn't. Both of them have moments where they feel they can't offer much in the way of assistance, or that their best efforts aren't enough.

[ID: Two images from Trigun and Trigun Maximum. The first is from Trigun Volume 2. Vash, his back turned, runs off into the chaos, a Plant seen above him and the city ahead, as he yells back "Get as far away from here as you can! Get to safety!" Meryl watches him from the door. In the second image, from Trigun Maximum Volume 8, a grainy flashback shows Vash's turned back as he walks away from a young Luida, who is reaching out to him. End ID.]

Of course, we the readers know this isn't true at all! Meryl and Luida do so much over the course of the story.

Interestingly, they don't start off as the ones completely in charge - Meryl works for Bernadelli even if she is in charge of her assignment, and Luida is presumably part of the Council, but the one in charge is initially Doc. But once they do take over - Luida after Doc's death, and Meryl once the world is thrown into ruins and Bernadelli no longer exists - there is a striking difference in the way they act from their predecessors.

Meryl goes from simply following Vash around to taking a self-directed and active role in assisting him however she can - looking for his old belongings and anything else of potential use, asking Marlon to repair his gun, creating a distraction with Milly, and helping the Earth Federation in the final hour with no hesitation.

Luida takes a much more active role in rallying Ship 3 to assist Vash as well. While some of this may simply have been because the stakes were raised much higher after Volume 3, Ship 3, while already a base of support for Vash, was a distant safe haven, kept largely separate from the rest of the world. Up until that point, they had provided Vash with aid, but not fought alongside him, something that clearly bothers Luida on multiple occasions. She decides to change this. She's the one who sets out to help as many of the towns ravaged by the Ark as possible. She rallies the Ship 3 residents for a rescue mission to help Vash. She's the one to step forward and attempt to bring all the leaders around to standing with Vash.

Which brings me to my last comparison point. They're both staunchly supportive of Vash, quick to come to his aid, and quick to defend his character from those who doubt his intent - Luida even sharply calls out her own people for their moment of mistrust after hearing about July. These two know and care about Vash on a more personal level than most - and as we all know, due to his avoidant tendencies, this is not an easy thing to do. Vash is frequently misinterpreted, and these two are often the ones to set the record straight.

[ID: A panel from Trigun Maximum Volume 3. Luida, sternly, says "That's a foolish question. You would know the answer just by looking at the scars on his body. If he had used his true immortality, those scars would not be there. End ID.]

In this way, much like Vash is a bridge between humans and Plants, Meryl and Luida are something of a bridge between humans and Vash.

And they're able to do this because deep down, their ideals align closely with his - they're not just supporting someone they care about; they have a similar desire to see the kind of world he fights for, and they choose to fight for it too.

But while Luida is something of a spokesperson for Vash, reaching out to humanity, it is almost as if Meryl becomes the voice of humanity reaching back, responding to him, and agreeing that not everything in the world is awful; that it is worth believing in the best in others. They need to stand together.

[ID: A panel from Trigun Maximum Volume 14. Meryl, in a spacesuit, with frank determination, says, "Because we decided to stand together. We stand with Vash the Stampede." End ID.]

Meryl is the voice of proof that some people believe in the love and peace he speaks of, and are willing to say it back to him in turn.

Updated on my masterpost - my other book club stuff can be found here!

[tenderdevils]

An inconspicuous letter found under a floorboard at Shinra Mansion:

Dearest Vincent,

To say that this is an apology would be an insult. There are no words I can offer to justify what has been done to you, nor will I try to find them. I do not seek forgiveness, and I accept the consequences of my actions, albeit with a heavy heart. But as I sit here in the dark watching you breathe, I listen to my watch tick away the hours and am overcome once more with an all consuming desire to explain myself, something that I repeatedly failed while you were present, even though you gave me countless opportunities to do so. My ever patient sentinel.

How cruel that the trance was to be broken so late. The trance, of course, being my everlasting hunger for knowledge, a once innocent endeavour fuelled by your father, turned sickly and twisted overtime. I’m not sure where it started, Vincent. Had I noticed, I would have pulled away like a hand over a flame, but instead I stayed my path. Now, I watch my flesh burn and try not to complain from the pain, knowing all too well that I lit the fire myself.

Once, I would find myself blaming Hojo. That his twisted ways had rubbed off on me. That he’d coerced me or convinced me or dangled the carrot in front of me long enough to lead me down a path of his own choosing. Upon reflection, though, I realise it was me all along. I mean, of course it was. It was me who chose to study Jenova alongside one of science’s most controversial researchers. Me who allowed her baby to be experimented on knowing full well that it was the wrong thing to do. I could have just been honest with you. I should have just told you how scared I was. But I was too proud. I had come so far, and I wasn't about to undo all of my progress. A pitiful, childish concept in hindsight.

I never wanted a child, but it just happened. In that time I was searching for a distraction, and the scientific potential of having a subject so close at hand during the experimentation process was an opportunity I couldn’t ignore, a fact I am deeply ashamed of today. I am ashamed of lying to you about your father; ashamed that I was too cowardice to even explain myself to you after the fact, choosing to instead fall into Hojo’s arms and stupidly get myself pregnant in the process. I should have known better. I did know better. But nonetheless, again, I never wanted a child, but despite this I think I could have loved him with all of my heart like a real mother, given the chance. As my belly grew, so did my regret, along with the love for this baby I never really wanted. And now, I won’t ever get the chance to see him, to hold him, to hear his voice. Now, he is company property.

I was such a fool, Vincent. I was such a damn fool. And I am so frightened of the fact that now there is nothing I can do to set this right. I’d do anything, bit it’s no use. Shinra has me in its grip. I cannot leave Nibelheim. I can’t even leave the mansion. I am powerless. How ironic, after everything, that I should lose it all in the end. It’s what I deserve, I suppose - a bitter pill to swallow, but I will do so willingly, now that I can see clearer.

I hope you know that it was you that changed everything, Vincent. It was you who finally opened my eyes, with your saintly patience and your persistence. You who finally broke the trance and pulled me from that devastating temptation for power. I admit, I allowed it to consume me, to obliterate me. I was so blinded to the consequences that would undoubtedly catch up to me that I marched ahead with the vigour of a thousand soldiers. But when I saw you bleeding on that floor, those beautiful eyes losing their light, everything became suddenly clear to me. You broke the trance. If I can say sorry for one thing, it’s that it took you getting hurt for me to finally wake up. Despite everything, I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for that.

I love you so damn much, but I loved the science more. I didn't realise just what I was losing until it was all too late. All I had known for so many years was science. All I had told myself I needed was science, which is what drew me to Hojo in the first place. We were kindred spirits, him and I, at least until his morals darkened to a shade so black I could no longer follow. I tried for a little while doing things I don’t wish to recount, but it didn’t take long for me to cower from such methods.

Then you came along, and for a small moment I let myself wonder if there could be something more, something other than science. I grew restless, aware that suddenly something was missing. I know you felt it too. The pull you have on me is stronger than the pull science has on me. You’re magnetic, Vincent, and despite how hard I tried to pull away from your orbit, I just couldn’t shake the thought of you. Even now my tears fall as I watch you in the preservation tank, your face so serene it’s almost like I haven’t been battling with the fates for three years to keep you alive. Hojo says the deterioration will set in any day now, but I won’t let that happen. No. You will walk this planet again, Vincent. I will not let your story end here.

This isn’t an apology, because I will not say sorry for trying to save you. I cannot take back all of the terrible things I’ve done, but I can try to do this one thing before I go. The world is better off with you in it, and I will do everything in my power to keep you from dissolving into the Lifestream. I couldn't save your father. I couldn't save my son, but by Gaia, I can save the man I love, or die trying.

I love you, Vincent. I should have told you before you were hurt. I should have told you the moment I knew, but I didn’t, and that’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my days. But if you ever happen upon this letter, just know that none of this was your fault. You did everything you could. This was a losing battle from the beginning, and I wish I could have spared your involvement in it.

I love you, Vincent.

I hope the Lifestream brings us together again someday.

Eternally yours, Lu.

[balkanradfem]

To the other anon, I want to add that yes, you balkanradfem interpreted correct, I did not mean that no one should date bi women at all! And I do not mean to blime all of them either. I was trying to express that though for me as a woman, it was more painful when the man was chosen over me. When another woman is chosen over me, it feels different. Because you can't help but compare how is that other person better, if you still have a crush on the choosing party. And comparing myself with men is something I do not want to be doing. Also there are some things I can't compare with men at all, living in patriarchal society. I mean, hell, in my case women are banned from certain jobs and from studying certain things, men are treated completely different, like little princes. For sure I would be salty when my crush digs out another dude, whom she plans to dress up, clean up, teach manners and conversation skills (it sounds like i mock, but many women , most women in my area indeed re-parent men , it's how they see it, and do everything their mother did before, to a point where for 25 men his mom is washing and folding his socks and underwear and gf takes over it later), and work on building his career, so that she can push him to apply for work visa in wealthy western country, and go after as wife. I am quite understanding, that in such case, the woman indeed might chose this path over just marrying a girl. Even if I had chance in that same career as picked up husband, there are few women in that field, to get yourself promoted is very hard, and on top of it - two women can't marry where I live, and even if it's possible if you apply to western country court, provide major proof that you were really dating for long time and it's a visa scam, with photo and testimonies etc - even in that case, not all country where you might want to relocate will accept your partner being same sex. So with that in mind, as I am quite material person and I understand that women and men count such things first and foremost (or maybe it's simply my culture that material things are accounted in, because some 30 years ago you needed to try hard not to starve) -- with all that in mind, I understand, that woman need to have a very strong conviction to stay with me! In homophobic country, always hiding, not sure if relatives accept it, not sure if there are more laws disallowing you even speak about yourself etc, - in all honestly why would a woman choose it? When the path to be with man is so open and beneficial to her, and the system is specifically made that way? It's not that I blame women, maybe if I could tolerate men, I would make same choice. But I also think that many women here on tumblr, while rightfully being upset someone says bad words about bi women, also do not have an idea in mind how it is in places where het relationship gets you a lot of rights, and lesbian relationship makes you punished and in danger. You really need to have really strong mind and strong conviction of WHY exactly you are doing that, otherwise you just would not be able to withstand the stress, the social isolation, the pressure, etc. By my culture I also think people are malluable (both genders) and can be guided to certain things if want to avoid stress and suffering, it's not their fault.

Oh anon this was painful to read, not only are you forced to compare yourself to m*n but also you look from the womens point of view and try and understand why she made that choice! It's devastating for you to be exposed to that, even when all of the stuff you can't provide or do is just due to misogyny and oppression, none of your fault, nothing you can quickly change or even influence. And for that to be the reason for you to not be chosen by a woman! I'm crying for you. Nobody should be forced to feel like this.

I can also understand that when survival and possibility of starving is at stake, we humans turn off morality, we suppress our emotions and just do whatever to get to safety, security, food. We need to be comfortable in our survival before we can folllow morals and desires. But then also for me as a lesbian life with a male feels like worse than dying, and I don't know if other lesbians relate, but I can guess that for women with attraction to males, this would feel different, and on top of that societal pressure would play a role too, and make us look like a worse option. But is it then on us to prove that we're not?? No. If others cannot fathom our value in joint life may they live in ignorance.

I remember as a much younger lesbian I struggled with that comparison; I would look at a woman and think 'but what can I give her that would make me comparable' and give up instantly, feeling unworthy and unlovable in comparison to males. That was before I discovered radical feminism and the facts that they're statistically the biggest danger to have in your home, that they engage in manipulation, labour extraction, and covert rape consistently and don't view women as human, I felt superior since. But again, if you are a woman who is not as informed, traumatized by starvation, and just looking for material safety, swayed by societal pressure, I understand that the world is a bad place for you and you just go for lesser evil you can tolerate. But does this mean you have to hurt a lesbian in the process??? No.

I do feel like a certain amount of dishonesty and ignorance of lesbian experiences is necessary in order to cause such pain and make lesbians compare themselves and feel inferior. If everyone was honest, we would not indulge with women we know to value male benefits better. We can offer equality, emotional fulfillment, intimacy, pleasure, share everything equally instead of extracting labour, bonding over same life experience and oppression, understanding of their bodies and their feelings of them, and we often work twice as hard to keep our beloved safe and sound, and not because we think she's our property. We're twice as intelligent, logical, resourceful, thoughtful, careful, considerate and kind, we are complex, sharp and quick to follow her mind, we're social, inclined to think of future for everyone and not just us. We don't ask to be parented. We have everything males could not ever hope to grasp and yet because they have violence, they get to hoard icome and resources and laws to their benefit to lure women into becoming domestic servants.

It's insulting to us! We could be incredible and magical and they can hold a threat of starvation over womens heads and suddenly we're not worth choosing. It's a lie, a scam, trickery, injustice, pyramid scheme, conspiration, deceit, psychological violence.

Anon you are worth choosing every time and don't let them fool you into thinking their systems are normal. And you are right to speak out, everyone should know how devastating this is, and to not do it to us. I had experiences where I felt this and was too scared to speak out, to not make anyone feel bad. But we feel bad and we should say it!! And it is fair for us too, to want to avoid stress and suffering, and choose only those who understand where we're coming from and value us first, like we value them first as well.