#i care and want to help all mentally ill ppl but this is ridiculous

[gamesweetdreaming]

Nuh uh I'm not here to be fighting someone else's fight, y'all need to sit down and talk. CALMLY.

[livisart]

Can I ask what happened with Datakits, I'm in the species and I'm concerned.

this ask is like half a year old at this point so idk if ur still interested. but basically:

(tw suicide)

my ex (who is a datakits moderator) conducted a smear campaign against me. this included completely made up and ridiculous stalking accusations (which were based on me doing things like "talking about a video game with someone" and "following someone on artfight") accusations of "harassment" (because i "vagueposted" by referencing my trauma in the tags of ONE tumblr post. why my ex has such in depth knowledge of everything i post on tumblr when he claimed to want nothing to do with me, i dont know. lmao) etc. he even went so far as to take my attempts at recovery and improving myself after a traumatic event and twist that to be me trying to get back on his good side or whatever. he also outright told ppl to just block me and not talk to me, i'm guessing because his narrative required no one getting my side of things.

some of the people he spread this to were the datakit owners, because me being "too active" in that server was apparently malicious according to him (the actual reason i was very active in the datakits server was because datakits were and still are a special interest of mine and a HUGE comfort to me, and this was abt 2 weeks after i attempted suicide, hence me trying to cope using things i take comfort in???? also i was not given a warning abt being too active, if i was being too active and causing discomfort i should have just been told so)

the datakit owners took his inane bs as 100% fact, did not talk to me abt it, banned and blocked me, and sent my ex to tell me about it. which is horrible species management, but i digress.

once again, this all took place abt 2 weeks after i tried to jump in front of a god damn train. and my ex springing all this on me and spreading shit abt me made me suicidal again. which my ex used to spread that i was "using suicide to guilt him", which is a fucking vile thing to say abt someone who literally just attempted suicide.

i eventually got one of the owners to talk to me and explained the situation.

here's the kicker. even though the owners are now aware of, and fully believe and acknowledge that the shit spread abt me was false, i remain banned, because apparently the shit my ex spread abt me made one of the owners too ~uncomfortable~ with me due to ~associations~/banning me is "irreversible" for some unexplained reason. meanwhile my ex remains a mod and did not face any disciplinary action because "hE gEnUiNelY tHouGht yOu wErE sTaLkiNg hIm" and "he has paranoia and experiences delusions so you being mad at him is ableist actually uwu" (i'm BARELY paraphrasing here)

as someone who ALSO has paranoia and experiences delusions, i honestly find the notion of "mentally ill ppl cant help but spread lies abt ppl uwu" really insulting. but whatever. especially since his actions ACTUALLY ALMOST CAUSED SOMEONE'S DEATH because his little smear campaign caused me enough distress that i attempted suicide again :))))

the owner did keep in contact with me while i was in the psych ward, which was nice i guess except our conversations almost entirely consisted of him defending his and the other owners actions because "ummm in our defense the allegations were ~serious~" and insisting that i shouldnt hold any of this against him or the other owner.

ive been very afraid to talk abt this because my ex also made a point to tell me that he "could do a lot worse to ruin my life if he wanted to", and i believe him. but honestly i dont fucking care anymore

[madchild-dennis]

I STILL Cry

Once reminded, or have to sleep and God brings it back up (cause I could care LESS), I am going to cry. Why? Not because of love. THE FUCK NOT. It's the fuckery that came and will come with it because

WHY GOD WON'T FUCKING LET UP.

Like I said BELOW:

I WILL NOT:

Pray

fast

inquiry

help

sacrifice

or do anything specific for him

THE FUCK NOT.

I choose to STOP speaking in tongs nor PRAY in the spirit because right after, God also redirect the source/solution is FUCKING RAHEEM. SO NO. Not even the our father prayer. I was told to pray it a few weeks ago and guess what, God took it as praying in the spirit and once again direct it back to that BITCH.

I started to write a whole post about it and stopped:

for almost 2 FUCKING YEARS I've:

suffered

been hunted

attacked by many (including him and his fucking mother as well)

called mentally ill

bullied by his gf's ppl

homeless

scorned

ridiculed

nearly raped

judged

probed, medicated and injected

SUFFERED

MUCH MUCH MORE

For some promises that include him. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT GOD IS STILL SAYING HIM.

Clearly, I have NO FUCKING CHOICE IN THE MATTER. HENCE CRYING

I AM TIRED OF THIS SHIT AND HIM

No one understand, no one cares.

Even the person couldn't believe that it was me and my story God led her to be in a spiritual warfare for. I had to be digging up old messages and shit to show that the girl name is Samantha,. The name God led her to as the source of the witchcraft. As you can see below:

(I don't care if she's clout chasing. I could care less about her actually)

Someone said when I showed her profile that she's, fat, ugly or sour. I don't watch people's weight nor care about that. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I've never been near her to know if she smells.

I just know we are NOT the same in the simple fact of confidence, charisma, I know how to PROPERLY HANDLE MY SHIT, and the simple fact that I DO NOT CARE. I do NOT CARE what others think of me or how I do things.

In fact I do NOT paint myself as some woman of God. I actually a very tortured woman who feels is WRONGED BY A LYING GOD, but giving him a chance to prove 'him'self.

BUT SHE prides herself in that identity, even IF she dabbles in witch craft (obeah/tying). Which is where God has this unquenchable anger towards her and WILL DESTROY HER AND HER WHOLE FAMILY FOR IT. Especially because it's forcing someone to be with her from her CLEAR obsession, her family's choice to encourage or fuel it, the LIES and trying to hurt/harm/kill me.

You don't have to believe me. Nor the fact that this woman who say she was led by the Holy spirit to speak in tongue, free someone from the demonic ties and heard God say her name. (She doesn't want to make a video with me out of fear of loosing her job. Which is whatever people will still choose NOT to believe even with a video)

I'M SO OVER ALL THIS SHIT!!!!

ONE THING I WILL NEVER DO:

Force, convince or do anything to get someone to be with me or stay with me.

I work by this rule: If I have to force theme, to be with me, I will have to keep doing it to keep them. I don't have the time nor energy to do that, PLUS THAT"S SELF-HATE. I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH to do that shit. So I will choose to be with someone who wants to freely be with me, and LOVES me like or better than I love me.

WHICH IS WHY I FUCKING HATE GOD!!!!

THAT BITCH CHOSE AND CONTINUE TO Choose. I DO NOT CARE if he was witch crafted.

IF HE WANTED ME HE WOULD FIGHT TO BE WITH ME.

That weak ass afraid bitch won't do shit. The same person who did the spiritual warfare said, if he wants to be free, HE HAS TO CHOOSE IT. HE HAS TO FIGHT IT.

Thats why I won't fight or do shit for him.

The ONLY way I will is AFTER HE DOES ALL I REQUIRE.

Till then, that bitch can nyam shit with his bitch.

MY ANGER IS WITH GOD and what He's going to keep doing behind my back.

[lostzombiewandering]

There’s nothing appealing about recovery

I’ve been sick for most of my life and honestly can’t really recall a time I didn’t feel this way even as a small child; but since I never had any particularly traumatic experience I always felt ungrateful for these feelings and buried them next to all my hopes and dreams.

Of course it doesn’t help that I’ve been told my entire life that showing symptoms of mental illness is a privilege and if you are desperate you have to put your big boy pants and put your emotions aside and do what you have to do.

So I did what I had to do; I hide all the sick away. Nobody has ever known about the extent of my SH or that I even have an ED or then 7 attempts. I’ve always done this alone bc I know they don’t want to see it; this isn’t just speculation I know I don’t have anyone I can confide in bc nobody wants to see the sick. Ppl support mental illness up until the moment it can’t be romanticized anymore; up until it’s blood and vomit.

Having said that I’ve always been aware how insane what I do to myself is and the statistics. I’ve always been aware of all of this even when I started doing these things to myself.

The thought of recovering has obviously crossed my mind more than once bc In the few moments of sanity and clarity Ive had I wanted to escape this hell once and for all.

But GOD it’s impossible to relate to anyone that has recovered or is even in the process of it.

SH

They way we are talked about is almost infantilizing to the point of nausea and I can’t stand any talk about it anymore. I keep hearing therapist explain to me what I’m doing to myself instead of listening to ppl that SH and their reasons. The way we are talked over is just terrible. Also the way only cutting is ever even mentioned as SH when so many methods far more dangerous with long term consequences exists and yet cutting is portrayed almost as a crime. “Harm reduction” but forget that anything in the hands of someone that SH is a weapon PLUS a permanent scar is a far less severe consequences that fucked up kidneys but hey let’s ignore all other forms of SH and demonize the one with the least possible long term consequences.

ED

This is just funny bc they way they only focus ON ONE is just insulting. There are several EDs and not all of them look remotely the same plus the lack of understanding that it’s genuinely not about the food but about control in restrictive EDs is ridiculous. Ppl only care about EDs when you look on death door and even then it goes only one way. If you eat “normally” everyone just takes it as a win bc nobody cares about EDs as long as you don’t look like you are dying. Nobody wants to tell you that you’ll never fully be cured from your ED but that you’ll have to learn to live with the thoughts and fight them every single day for the rest of your life. Nobody says how ppl will see you DYING, show symptoms of your ED and make it about themselves but sure you should reach out. The way ortho is just glorified and so is bed lately. Nobody really has a healthy relationship with food but claim constant indulgence.

Depression

I’ve heard one too many therapists basically reduce overcoming depression to becoming productive and “doing” shit. Not everybody with depression mops around all day doing nothing lamenting the world is a shithole. The problem is that as long as a lot of external problems are not fixed you can’t expect ppl to feel truly better about anything. Sure you don’t need a reason to be depressed but looking at the world around us everything looks bleak; but we are expected to not feel like we are being consuming by a growing void? The world does not give a fuck if I live or die, the stars and the sun don’t give a flying fuck. Sure a couple of ppl will be a little bit sad but the world will keep on going even when all of humanity ends; that is not my depression talking, that is a fact. I can’t parrot the idea that life has any intrinsic value bc I don’t believe in that; our flesh mechas are weak and dwindle under the most of the climates that are natural in the world we live in. It’s so easy for us to just die of a variety of reasons and nothing really happens when we die; it’s just game over. Value to our lives is something we assigned ourselves but it’s not intrinsic.

The big S bc I doubt tumbler will let me write the world

I’ve heard way too many therapists talk about S as a guilt trip to others; that has made me never in my life consider therapy bc god let’s make your suffering about someone else WOW. I’ve seen it also seen be referred too as a threat and I have no words. We are not talking about ppl that use it as a threat to manipulate others into doing what they want but ppl that successes and no longer live. But of course they turn around and guilt YOU about all the ppl that you are going to leave behind all sad as if they wouldn’t eventually get over your death. Sure I’m going to remain alive and miserable so just that ya’ll don’t deal with grief for half the time I’ve felt this way!!! I’m going to be very honest with you but once I die I won’t have the ability to care about ppl being sad BC ILL BE DEAD. “S is not the solution 🥺🥺🥺🥺” I mean, it is??? Once I die I’m dead forever and there’s nothing else???? We all die eventually so what’s so wrong about me wanting to rush it a little bit? That you’ll be sad? Doesn’t sound like my problem to be fair. What if I just don’t see the point in living past a certain point? I never found life entertaining and sure doesn’t get any better later in life, plus it is my life and I am free to do what ever I want with it. Sure there are fun activities to do in life but can’t say I find life itself even remotely interesting. The only comfort I’ve found in my life was the fact that eventually one day I would die and I wouldn’t have to exist anymore. One day it would all fade to black and just be over; that is the only thing that has kept me from trying more fool proof method for my early demise.

I’m not anti recovery bc why the hell would I want ppl to feel the way that I do? I just want it to be less insulting and infantalizing in general. I don’t want the patronizing ideas telling me that I am wrong and here is the correct way bc the moment I poke holes into the logic I’m too sick to know better.

Just bc I’m sick doesn’t mean I don’t have any logic left in me; yes my ED rules can be illogical and not based on science but welcome to: knowing that you are sick doesn’t mean you can stop.

I want ppl to really support mental illness even when it shows it’s ugly side.

I want to be heard and not be told “what you actually mean/feel”

I want transparency and when it comes to recovery few ppl talk about how arduous and never ending it will be, how it will never really end and just become a battle you deal with everyday.

If I’m being honest I just want to die and be done with this already; but this is the rambling is a tired man that likes fancy words bc they are nice to write.

There isn’t right or wrong it’s just an experience and opinion

[yungstallyns]

I just read the engl chap and I feel even worse for rei and touya...touya’s literally this SMALL CHILD, how can ANYONE blame him for what’s going on when he’s literally becoming more and more mentally ill right before our eyes? You can see it in his expressions — and on that note, rei looks..actually so bad? Like, physically, she just doesn’t look well, and since it’s been noted she had a weaker physical constitution, I can’t help but wonder how being pregnant so much took a toll on her (esp since a doctor advised them to stop?). it can take years for some people to recover from one pregnancy, let alone several basically back to back. and esp since her mental health was on the decline and that impacts your physical health. Could she potentially have been more there for her kids if her own health wasn’t so bad..? And I can tell she feels incredibly bad about touya (I mean, she’s their MOM. of course she does, of course she feels responsible) but the way it ends, ‘you aren’t the only one who didn’t look at him,’ I hope it doesn’t try and pull some ‘actually it was also equally Rei’s fault’ thing. Even in this chap we see her begging endeavor about touya to no avail, saying how cruelly he’s being treated, which I feel is a direct parallel to shouto’s childhood? but endeavor just ignores her, just like with Shouto. and I kind of have to wonder when exactly he started getting physical with her- was it before Shouto was 4 and he slapped her? and fucking endeavor, how on earth is he talking to touya in these scenes and just not seeing the completely manic, obsessed looks??? how can he honestly not even NOTICE yet somehow believe he’s thinking of his child’s well-being? and even if rei did pay touya more attention though, I feel like it wouldn’t really have helped, if anything just prolonged his break down a bit, because he was so focused on his father and it was ultimately endeavor’s treatment of him and his need to prove himself to endeavor that drove his obsession and hate. idk man I’m just losing my mind and I feel like this keeps getting more and more fucked up

Oh 100% Touya is literally like 9 years old and for anyone to put the blame on his shoulders is so nasty. He is a child, he is a hurt child who needs help.

Yeah! I think ppl tend to ignore the expressions for the like text when they have such a huge impact on the story and are very important parts!!

Rei clearly is in distress the more time passes the more children she's having. And honestly the fact ppl take that one line as "rei is equally as responsible" is ridiculous, she is clearly struggling this whole chapter, and if she's admitting to looking the other way to her hurting child that's obviously bad! (But I mean we clearly see her pleading with Endeavor for Touyas sake) No one is saying it isn't, but she is more sympathetic bc she's clearly struggling this whole chapter with her children while Endeavor is burning is envy for allmight and just telling Touya to drop it! but how can he drop it when endeavor can't even drop it and he's the adult! He's the root cause of this problem!! Rei didn't cause her 9 yearolds mental break, he did. Rei can't heal Touya when he is actively being hurt by his father, doesnt mean it's okay to not try but doesn't mean things wld have changed either.

In the end Touya was showing signs of distress that Endeavor himself clearly ignored and just told him to just give it up and stop it, just go play, just be a normal kid but the thing is all the other kids want to be heros too, how can Touya escape it even if he tried?

Rei we can literally see her care about the state of Touyas mental health and the impact having kids for the purpose of replacing him in endeavors life wld have on him bc he KNOWS Endeavor had him for a purpose!

[onlyxmcbride]

This was not wrote by me but I had to share it 💔

Credits to addieanatomy on instagram.

its so difficult for me to understand those who never feel the slightest bit of sympathy for norma and those who blame norma for being a bad mother, for nurturing her child into a serial killer. since the beginning on the series, norma had been a whole person. she has a backstory filled with emotional abuse and neglect at the hands of her awful parents. and emotional and sexual assault at the hands of her brother. and then she gets married to an abusive husband with a son born of incest because of her brother raping her. and another son who blacks out and becomes violent to the point of murder. norman blacked out and murdered her abusive husband/his father and had no idea. and he continues to kill several ppl that come into his life. but that’s just a whole other discussion for a later date. it makes my blood boil when i see ppl want to hate norma and blame her for all norman does. they want to. hate norma for what norman is. in some ways. yes. i can see why we all should give her some blame. because of numerous events in her life, norma’s incredibly broken which doesnt make motherhood too promising for her. i mean. i would argue that the worst thing norma has done has been having a lack of understanding the causes and effects of her actions. and just having a lack of insight in general.

norma feels that nothing outside of her and her care is safe for her and her beloved child. but eventually, she starts to see norman as a threat, to herself and himself. okay and quite honestly. im surprised norma didn’t end up being the damn serial killer given her fucking upbringing and the experiences she faced… anyway. alright norma definitely allowed for levels of intimacy between her and norman that are pretty uncomfortable. and some ppl would say shes reluctant to admit that there is something wrong with her beautiful child. but in my opinion. i believe she was always fully aware of normans troubles and knew that theres was smth wrong with him. but like i said before. she didnt see safety in anything outside herself. bc shes so fucking stubborn! but she truly believed that she was the answer to normans problem and she thought she could help him and protect him. i think it is very harsh for ppl to classify norma and anything she does as a mother as being neglectful. or abusive.,..,. she certainly comes close but. she doesnt cross the line into that territory. and yes. she did tell norman things he shouldnt have to know as her son. like. the situation with her brother. but. if u think about normas role as a mother overall. within the context of her own life experiences. she tries really fucking. hard. to be a the perfect and ideal mother. and i believe her efforts should be applauded considering she had no good mother or father to have as an example for her parenting. this woman did whatever she could to protect her son. and when she realized that she couldnt give him the help he needed,... she sought out help. she went to pineview. she begged dr edwards or whatever to help her son. she did her best to get her son the aid he needed in order to not be a threat to himself, norma and everyone else.

i would find it absolutely ridiculous if u didnt feel an iota a sympathy for norma in that moment in 401. she even explained herself in that moment with dr edwards. she realized that she couldnt control what she thought she could. and that she was afraid of going to the doctors bc she thought they could take him away from her. and i believe that she didnt want him taken away bc he was the last bit of love she had left in her life. she had no one. she loved norman so passionately bc they were all each other ever had. its just. in that fucking moment with dr edwards. norma was showing so much of herself. so much honesty. which is smth she tends not to do. and she was revealing in that moment that literally. like all parents. she didnt really know… exactly what she was doing. she was just hoping that what she thought was best,.,. was good. and she had a moment of great fear that what she was doing was hurting her child. and she wanted to do smth else to change and make it better for both of them. all norma has ever had is good intentions. love makes u do crazy things. and she did crazy things out of the sometimes dangerous love she had for her child. but she cant take full blame for what norman is and became. being the parent of a psychopath is not gonna be fucking easy and a literal cake walk with a manual on how to succeed. all norma fucking wanted was a normal life for her and her son. and normal life that she never got to have throughout her childhood. and teenage years. and into her married life with both of her husbands.

she could never catch a fucking break. and she never did. she never. fucking. did. shitty childhood, 2 shitty marriages, a kid who resulted from being raped by her brother, a kid that was more than just mentally unstable. and her own mental wellbeing never treated was just. the fucking cherry on top. and even after she dies she didn’t even get peace until after norman died, considering he was lugging her dead body around. when ppl talk about norma, her mental health is not often in the conversation. but quite honestly. norma's entire mental state had to have been absolutely exhausting for her. she needed serious help. and she needed it well before norman even came into the her life. i think the only time she realized that… this isnt how normal people live. is when she was with alex... alex gave her a real glimpse into a type of normalcy she had never experienced. honestly. i would like to believe she eventually would have gone into therapy had she survived. and even if norman had stayed at the live-in hospital and didnt try to kill her, she and alex were not going to magically start living a beautiful, good life. she was going to need some serious therapy herself. and i just know she wouldnt bring herself to do that all by herself. i think if anyone could help her decide to help herself... that person would without and doubt be alex. norma truly was beaten down by life at every corner. anyone in her shoes with that kind of history and mental wellbeing would be in an unbelievable amount of pain on the inside. when thinking about how this all plays into her relationship with norman... i just think she loved norman to the best of her ability. but it was from a perspective warped by extreme mental illness, fatigue and injury of her own. to add to this exhausting amount of mental turmoil, came her exhausting love for norman. god i love this woman so much. she is everything to me.

This hit me so damn hard. People ask why I love this show so much and the reason is above. Vera Farmiga portrays Norma so brilliantly and I couldn't think of anyone else who could do it better.

Romanticizing the relationship she and Norman had is unhealthy yes, but she loved her son so much she would do anything to keep him safe. Norma Bates is a fucking warrior- fictional character or not.

[cloverhighfive]

Quarantine tag!

tagged by @slytherkins 💖

ARE YOU STAYING HOME FROM WORK OR SCHOOL?

Our employer figured out how to make us all work from home, so doing that. I’m actually more productive at home than in the office.

IF YOU’RE STAYING HOME, WHO IS THERE WITH YOU?

Nobody. Some dust bunnies. My own thoughts.

ARE YOU A HOMEBODY?

By nature, yes. I’ve always said I hate working and I even stopped giving a shit if my boss knows. It’s not about the job, it’s about me hating having to go out and somewhere else to do stuff for someone else. So this work from home situation is grand af. Also, I’d been home 3 weeks and I needed groceries, and believe it or not I had to kick myself to go. I think I succeeded in buying food for 1 month. Fingers crossed.

AN EVENT THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT GOT CANCELLED?

THE REST OF SUPERNATURAL - other than that, a lot of plans were cancelled and I’m actually happy for those. For example, it’s the first Easter in my whole damn life (and I’m a grown-ass adult with a half-paid mortgage) that I can spend all Easter at home, quiet. THE DREAM.

WHAT MOVIES HAVE YOU WATCHED RECENTLY?

Girl (2018). From wikipedia: Girl was inspired by Nora Monsecour, a trans female dancer from Belgium, whom Dhont met when he was 18 and she was 15. While initially praised by critics, the film was criticised by some trans and queer writers for its depiction of gender dysphoria and self-harm. Monsecour, who collaborated with Dhont and Tijssens on the film, has defended the film in response. (by the way, the self-harm is ... I couldn’t watch)

WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU WATCHING?

I’m currently watching Suits. It’s got 9 seasons of 42-min eps, so I’m good for a while, if I don’t bore of the genre. 2 seasons in, I’m good. I’m already playing on my phone at the same time sometimes, and I pick up on plot clichés easier (totally unimpressed by the will they/won’t they), but I’m good. I wonder if Lucifer was all filmed before the quarantine and if we’ll get s5 soon.

I recommend Kim’s Convenience, a cute light Canadian soft sitcom about a family that owns what we call a depanneur (convenience store, corner store). And of course Schitt’s Creek, if you haven’t dwelved into that yet (Canadian too). And if by some incredible turn of events you’re still not into Brooklyn 99, what seriously are you waiting for?

WHAT MUSIC ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

Chill mixes mostly. Ambiance stuff. My work requires that I listen to the audio while I proofread the transcript, so I basically listen to ppl talking all day. Non-words music is what I go to nowadays mostly.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

Not much. A bit of fanfic. Adapting to this new quarantine routine used up a lot of spoons (even if I love it), so I haven’t been able to read as much fics as I wanted.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR SELF CARE?

Stick to a routine. I usually hate routine cause an office job has its own routine thrust upon me by force, but by myself at home, establishing one is good for my mental health. Example, every morning I work I get dressed, and do my hair a bit. So when the day is done, I have this marker (take the clips/combs out of my hair/put my pj’s on) that helps me close the day. Also, I refuse to work in pj’s, cause pj’s = me time/leisure time.

But what I wear is totally indulgent. Stuff I’d never wear out of the house: old t-shirts or stuff that’s a bit ill-fitting or the colours are ridiculously mismatched.

I also like to call my mom during the day - work hours! - to get some news, something I wouldn’t do in the office. But at home, who knows? Nobody watches me. And, like I said, I’m more productive at home, so no worries. :D

taggin’ dif peeps this time @jensenackles-ismyreligion @arvit @dawnie1988 @azamatic

[mint-yooxgi]

LOOK IM SO GODDAMN MAD SO IMA RANT TO YOU LIKE OKAY I CARE SO MUHC ABOUT KPOP IDOLS OKAY AND I KNOW THE LIFE IS HARD BUT LIKE I CANT DEAL WITH SO MANY GOOD PPL LEAVING THEIR GROUPS FIRST WOOJIN NOW WONHO AND I WANNA FUCKING DIE

So I got this ask a few hours ago, and I originally didn’t really know how to respond. To be quite honest, I still don’t. That being said, I can understand your frustrations anon, but I can’t fully agree with you here.

Your feelings are valid, and I'm not simply answering this in an attempt to push your feelings aside. However, this message just doesn’t still right with me.

To put it bluntly, to me, your message comes across as if you are saying, “despite the hardships Kpop idols face, and the mental, physical, and emotional strains that some of them undergo, they should just learn to suck it up cause I don’t want them to leave their groups/terminate their contract before it’s due.”

Whether or not this is your intention of this ask, this is my interpretation, hence why it doesn’t sit right with me. I’m sure this is not what you mean, but wording can be very tricky to me, and I am always cautious of the way I word things, and how I intemperate the words of others.

I understand you care about your idols. As do I. As do many fans. The best thing we can do during these times, is offer support and be understanding of their decisions.

Yes, the life is hard. The life is extremely hard, and I don’t think a lot of people truly grasp this concept. Please understand that the entire process of becoming an idol doesn’t just stop once an idol debuts. I would argue that it just gets harder from there. Not only do idols now have to face the glaring review and scrutiny under the public eye, but they also have to face the scrutiny and rules of their company, including all those who fall under the company whether it be fellow idols, trainers, or CEOs.

What many don’t understand, is that Korea is a heavily military influenced culture, meaning a lot of their training runs like a military regime. Not only is it severely strict, but it is also severely demanding. 

Additionally, after debut, idols are constantly in a spotlight of sorts, which depends on how popular a group is. Many new idol groups debut within a year, yet only a select few actually make it past their first year, and move on to actually make a name for themselves in the industry. So, not only do they have the pressure of debuting, they are continually pressured by their companies to do well. There is always a need to strive for greatness, to become better, until eventually, you are the best. However, there will always be someone better.

The increasing competition only serves to make it increasingly difficult for newer acts. Not to mention how the public will receive and view these new groups.

Being under the scrutiny of the public eye can be seriously taxing. Korea has a very strict culture in which a majority of the population views certain acts, such as drinking, smoking, and improper conduct, as immature, repulsive, or a bad influence. So, not only are idols constantly being attacked by antis or sasaengs, they are constantly under the pressure to perform their best, act their best, be their best. That pressure can become unbearable at times.

In order to do well in the public eye, one must be charismatic, and always be on their best behaviour to perform properly and make good impressions. No one will want to work with an idol who is moody, or considered rude. This also affects how well a group does after debut. Music shows, radio shows, etc., aren’t going to want to book a group who is viewed negatively in the public eye, or considered rude, for people will not want to associate with them.

Not to mention the constant ideal of always having to look ‘perfect’ all the time. As you probably know, Korean beauty standards are very strict, so if one does not fit into the specific image of beauty that society has deemed appropriate, one can be ridiculed or attacked for their appearance. That only adds to the already enormous pressure already placed on idols to always be, and look their best.

Another thing that can be extremely important in Korea and Korean culture is endorsements. This ties back into my previous point of needing to be perceived well in the public eye. If one has a good image, one can obtain endorsements which further promote the idol or idol group in said endorsement. This adds to a popularity of a group. Doing something bad or being perceived in a negative way can not only negatively effect the group, but the idol could also loose their endorsement, and possibly never be able to use that promotional opportunity again. So, you can understand the pressure placed on them to always appear as their ideal selves.

This can all take a toll on oneself. Not only the physical toll from often times extreme schedules, but an emotional and mental toll as well. I don’t know how much you know of Korean culture, but mental health is not too popular a topic. It is not freely advertised in public. Many of the older generation still views mental illness as a taboo subject, and some even deny the existence of such conditions. Not only that, but as far as I know, there are not too many options of treating mental health efficiently that are offered in Korea at the moment. Even if one does seek help, again, it is viewed as taboo by the older generation (as far as I know), and people assume there is something wrong with you. In short, mental health is not something openly talked about easily in Korea.

Now, imagine the emotional toll this can take on someone. The constant pressure of having to appear ‘perfect’ all the time. The rigorous training and practice, not to mention some of the schedules idols are put through. Many do not have time to themselves. They have their fans to think about. They have their group to think about. They have the company to think about. They have the public to think about. I wouldn’t be surprised if at some times, they don’t even have time to think about themselves.

“But Jackie, idols know this when they agree to become trainees,”

Yes, and no. Yes, they may get told how hard it will be. Yes, they may get told about the difficult road that lays before them if and only if they can make it all the way to debut. But no one tells them of the mental and emotional toll that this life can take on them.

Sometimes, even though you are upset about your fav leaving their group, take a moment to just sit back, and breathe. Think about the good times and happy memories you have had with them while they were in the group. It’s not the end of the world, believe me. I know it can be difficult, but sometimes this is for the best.

The best thing we can do is love and support our idols no matter what they choose to do. We don’t always know the full story. We don’t always get to see the truth.

We, as fans, should strive to understand our idols, and support them in their times of need. After all, there are much worse things than an idol simply leaving their group. This doesn’t mean their career has stopped. At this point, it is up to them to choose what to do, whether they want to continue in the spotlight after some time off, or retire completely, is up to them.

I’d rather see idols take time off for themselves, because I don’t know about you, but the other alternative is much worse in my opinion. 

And whether the last part of your statement is true or not, anon, joking about it isn't the way to go.

[gayerluke]

i’m so fucking sick & tired & pissed off, i called for refills before my meds were empty & now they’ve been empty for like 2 days & when i called them the pharmacy was like “oh yeah the dr said no bc you need to make an appt” but like they didn’t call to tell me that & the dr didn’t call to tell me that so what do they expect me to do, just figure it out or die trying? i swear to god it’s like none of these people understand what medications do or why they exist or how chemical dependency or withdrawal work or any fucking thing, & i’m so TIRED of it, i’m so tired of this happening all the time, i don’t understand why no one understands, my hands & feet are numb & my stomach hurts & my brain feels like cotton balls & it’s just ridiculous, & it’s always MY fault, it’s MY fault that none of these people give a shit about the physical health consequences of me not having my medications for days on end, & in order to get anything solved i’m the one expected to get the pharmacy & the dr’s office to communicate, i’m the one who’s supposed to facilitate every little fucking piece of it in this state when all i want to do is fucking sleep & scream, because health care does not exist to help you it exists to ensure that you get the bare minimum you need to survive & THAT’S IT, only because it looks bad if you die or kill someone. it isn’t set up to protect you it’s set up to protect the system from you exploiting them & tricking them into giving you exciting recreational substances like thyroid medication. i’m tired!!!!! i want someone to just go get me some pills!!!! then i have to feel horrifically guilty for the rest of my life when i yell at someone to give me my medications when the medication is literally a mood stabilizer & the whole reason i take it is so i do not yell at them but they won’t give it to me!!! “that’s no excuse you’re abusing your pharmacist” go fuck yourself i hate everyone & their trite pathetic advice which all amounts to Have You Tried Not Being Mentally Ill because people with mood disorders & PDs are all fucking monsters who need to be scolded like children bc ppl without these disorders are too fucking pathetic to take care of their own fucking selves & have to make everything our job & our responsibility when the whole POINT is that we can’t be responsible with our emotions especially when fucking idiots won’t give us the medications we need to stop fucking yelling at you!!!!!!!! & i hate this website & stupid children with fandom blogs keep following me!!!!! if you’ve ever had an earnest interest in anything in your life do not interact

[toddykun]

toddy, what do you think of donald and scrooge relationship in this episode???

oh anon, you just asked THAT question to my overanalyzing ass lmao thank u so much, i will indulge in this without restrictions ggg

little summary of donald and scrooge’s relationship in the episode: #TeamUncleForTheWin2k18 in a—more literal sense than expected. this gonna  be a looooooooooooooooooooong post anon, so hold yourself. and take into account that this is my opinion and my interpretation so i could be right or wrong, we just dont know, so that :D

all those scrooge and donald’s bonding moments were wholesome and funny (i loved them with all my freaking heart is2g they having a better relationship is my fuel to keep living lmao) but there is still some things that are hanging on even after scrooge definition of family that is obviously about them so lets start

1. scrooge choosing donald immediately and ‘i was in the will?’ moment

after going awwww when scrooge excitedly goes around screaming game night and he immediately chooses donald and laughing my ass off because donald’s ‘i was in the will?’ line, all that got me thinking because i cant stop my overanalyzing ass lmao. why did scrooge choose donald and why was donald surprised to be in the will? the overcompetitive nature of scrooge answered the first one really fast, scrooge chose him, as always, because it benefits him for reasons, reinforced by the threat of them losing and removing him of the will, more than because he wanted them to bond over board games. this is actually not that weird for scrooge, he usually does this a lot, especially to donald. i actually have problems with this more because of the actual status of their relationship more than because scrooge did this, this will be explained with the next point so i will go with my second question.

why was donald surprised? there are two possible answers for this: 1. donald didnt ever really thought about the will matter, the theme is new to him so hes surprised 2. donald didn’t think scrooge cared enough for him to be in the will so hes surprised when he actually is. i will be expanding in the second one because donald could have thought various things from this: 

1. he could have thought that because of scrooge’s greedy nature, the possibility of him having a will was nonexisting, he wouldn’t want his fortune to be someone else’s even after death, even when real scrooge would consider that a waste, the possibility of anyone being in scrooge’s will is a big ‘wait what’ to him 2. his board is the one getting everything lmao theyre the ones handling all those business stuff and that whats matter to scrooge, so why would anyone else be in the will? 3. if someone from the family was meant to be scrooge’s heir, it wouldnt be him, it would be only della, the twin that scrooge favored the most. definitely not him, the twin that scrooge reprimanded and dismissed the most. him? in the will? wtf? scrooge couldn’t care enough about him to put him in the will. but he does and whoa, wait what i am???? donald didn’t think scrooge would care, and that makes sense, this scrooge is terrible at really showing donald he cares about him outside from fighting and using him as bait. so, donald is surprised.

the good thing is, i actually see this version of scrooge having everyone in his will: the twins, the triplets (especially louie, hes probably his principal heir at this point lmao), webby, mrs beakley, launchpad, matilda (if shes alive), his parents (who are kind of immortal now?) even gladstone, fethry or grandma duck (if shes alive). leaving them all a special thing that would help them in some way, something with meaning for every person. especially to the twins, who are like his children. another good thing, scrooge is starting to show donald that he cares, enough to put him in the will and i hope this progress in scrooge showing him that he cares about him more than he actually shows him.

bonus: scrooge running stairs down with donald was precious and funny. 10/10. not bad, scrooge was just so excited. so cute.

2. ‘that’s why he chose him’, charades and non-verbal communication, understanding donald, and acting nonsensical moment.

‘ooooh, thats why he picked donald’, dewey just confirmed my suspicions about scrooge’s motivation for choosing donald, it saddens me but i expected it. again, not because scrooge did this because of his competitive strike but because he hasnt show donald that he would choose him even if he couldnt get something out of it. i want more scrooge respecting donald for who he is more than for what he can get out of him. i need scrooge choosing donald because he is family too cuz almost all the time he only chooses him for benefits. like overall, scrooge probably plays favoritism with the twins over anyone else in the family, but with the twins themselves? he favors della over donald, in an over ridiculous open way, he is really not trying to hide it. like, he recriminates donald for not being like della in the ‘17 comics? how fucked up is that? i try not to use the comics’ standpoint of their relationship because it upsets me honestly, they glorified della too much and abused donald too much. maybe because theyre from scrooge’s view of point? hes always going around talking about how great della was but donald? the series at least says that donald is actually freaking good, strong, smart and sharp and deserves the fandom getting over the top for him. the comics well….u know. but the thing is, the comics actually explain why donald is so surprised every time scrooge shows him affection or why donald looks not surprised when scrooge just uses him as a decoy, like bruh :/

‘you spent thirty years guessing what donald was saying, you must get good enough at non-verbal communication’ donald and scrooge are, not-so-surprisingly, good at charades (della must be too, now that i think about it, if scrooge and donald are almost unstoppable then the twins are really hardcore about it), this comes from donald having a speech impediment, something that probably led him to use a lot of non-verbal communication in the past. kids with especially difficult speech impediments to deal with rely heavily on non-verbal communication, usually because they develop social anxiety, insecurities and are overall scared of not being understood and being punished for it, especially outside of their safe circle (bullying, indifference, little to none social circle). baby donald probably suffered from this (who am i kidding, he definitely suffered from it, hell, donald is the most suffering classical disney character honestly the old comics are not even subtle about him being mentally ill and disabled), these kids can even stop altogether talking even to the ppl they know can understand them. all this comes into play if we assume that scrooge hanged with the twins since they were kids. hortense or not, grandma duck or not, scrooge spent time with the twins like he spends it now with the triplets. donald is not the most confident person, since he was a kid, for a good reason, he probably didn’t talk a lot as a kid with ppl outside his safe circle, scrooge comes to play later into his life so hes probably an outsider at the start of their relationship. but adventure needs communication for teamwork and to keep kids safe out there you need to be able to understand them and they need to understand you. this left scrooge with only an option: learn to understand donald, no matter what method he uses. charades? scrooge understands. ASL? scrooge understands. unintelligible gibberish? SCROOGE UNDERSTANDS! wow, hello, lost confidence. 

that probably boosted donald’s confidence quite greatly. an outsider, uncle scrooge that is grumpy and kind of asocial, gave the effort to understand little scared and unintelligible donald that probably only his twin and parents until now could understand perfectly. if that didnt bust his confidence idk what could. points for scrooge for being a great uncle!

for all this, he hasn’t told donald he doesn’t understand him because he does understand him, almost perfectly (like the triplets should do, just saying), he isnt going to have an ‘i dont understad you’ moment…..yet i expect it doesn’t happen or else, im gonna cry, first the triplets who had lived with him all their life? and now scrooge who webby said has spent at least thirty years with him? fucking come on. if della comes back and she doesn’t understand his twin brother perfectly im gonna cry, fucking honestly. donald needs to confidently talk with his speech impediment, excitedly, happy, almost unintelligible but with the confidence that there are ppl out there that do understand him and love him. i expect scrooge and della to be those ppl (not counting the caballeros, uno, storkules, and other family members, who can maybe understand him but arent with him constantly to remind him to not let down his confidence in that matter).

also they fighting nonsensically is the best thing, because they do that a lot, they fight over the most ridiculous things and they act like that sometimes, just pure idiocy over the most unimportant matters is like their default mode is the best. they’re can be so ridiculously petty, i love them. 

3. ‘team uncle for the win!’, hug and retreat and lets just shook hands moment

THEY HUGGED!!!!SO!!!GOOD!!!!! wait no keep hugging what are you doing? show each other how much you care, you need it, you dummies, goddamit and now you’re shaking hands ok why not fucking god

well besides that, ‘team uncle for the win!’ was a beautiful, spontaneous and wholesome moment that i shouldnt overanalyze but i will anyways lmao i have the opinion that scrooge said that spontaneously but can be interpreted in a more literal sense to understand scrooge and donald’s actual status of their relationship. team uncle is literally for the win, it wouldnt exist if it didn’t fulfill that specific function, donald probably knows this team up is more a way for them to win, for scrooge to win. but when against all odds they are successful in jenga (lol) this triggers something in scrooge that genuinely burst him into an affection spring and makes him shout that, it was just a piece, they both know it but its almost the first time they have bonded in years and donald, who is particularly sensitive and reacts a lot to emotions, reacts as well with affection and excitement, and what happens when ppl sync up their emotions spontaneously like that? they are overflowed with it, they need to act on it, emotions are almost impossible to control, they’re unpredictable, quick and extremely powerful driving forces so what obviously happens? THEY HUG!!!! emotions made these two idiots hug, they havent hug in years!!! YEARS!!! and they hug again in years because they were overflowed with genuine affection!!! but like i say, emotions are quick and when they end, its like a slap of realization in the face, they go ‘omg i did that!’ and separate immediately, just to go and cordially shake hands? when emotions are involved, context usually flies out the window, they probably forgot ten years of separation in that instant, but when it ended all those years came back and made it kind of uncomfortable. so their ‘we’re doing this just to win’ attitude comes back.

but it was good! its a good start! i dont know if they showed each other this kind of spontaneous affection but without embarrassment, pre-della disappearing but it. is. GOOD. these two need as much fluff as the triplets and webby get. uncle-nephew/niece relationship is a big thing in the DuckTales universe, and for scrooge and donald to not have as much as the triplets get kills me inside. they need this the most, so i hope this season provides because it started well in that matter, i hope it progresses into unapologetic and genuine affection without embarrassing departings and weird shake hands. 

4. helping him get up moment

completely underrated and wholesome moment, like there are no downs at this moment, its too good, they helping him up? nice. scrooge looking at them mad while protectively holding onto his boy who i remind you is in the will and for consideration, he’s one of his heirs (the other one being definitely della and very probably the triplets)? so nice. beautiful, i love it. mindless fluff this was. 10/10.

5. using donald as a weapon and scrooge’s definition of family.

like theres a difference between fighting alongside scrooge and being used to fight by scrooge. and here we see it, that even when scrooge is technically using donald, they are actually fighting together, its different from when scrooge just forces donald to danger and fights and you know why? because donald is doing it willingly. he is enjoying himself fighting, donald has shown from time to time that he likes to fight. so when he fights willingly and scrooge joins him, he enjoys himself, he is happy. like, look at his face, donald is into it, this is a duck that likes adventure and fighting, this is different from the gladstone’s episode and the ‘17 comics, where scrooge just pushes donald into things without his consent or knowledge because what? he thinks donald wouldnt understand? that donald is going to say no to protect his family if necessary? goddamit scrooge, if you took the time to let donald trust you and explain things to him, he would do the things you ask him, he is smart and u know it. this is one of the things where i hc the twins to differ, adult della followed scrooge almost blindly into danger, pushed by her own ambition and thirst for adventure, while adult donald, careful donald who was probably in the navy and has seen things and adventure spirit has matured, did not. i dont think scrooge took that as good as he should. scrooge favored della for throwing herself at danger just like that, confidently and recklessly, but would frown at donald, who turned around and asked why, who said no, who said but, who said this doesnt worth losing ourselves, who was again, too careful. so, scrooge decides to push him around, to see if this could trigger something, instead of talking him into it, and we know how hard it can be for scrooge to talk things trough. i dont think scrooge had any malicious intent but he didnt choose the best way into that and well, when you force someone into something they dont want, it doesnt end well. scrooge needs to learn to talk things through. also, scrooge needs to apologize, donald already forgave him but just that its not going to fix ten years of separation and past issues. scrooge needs to put his weight into this relationship too. and this probably starts with scrooge’s definition of family:

“You drive each other crazier than anyone could and still care about each other more than anyone!”

we have seen this particular definition of their relationship play into the old comics a lot, and in some low level in the series. but the thing is and i have pointed it out several times for the whole post, scrooge is not exactly good at showing donald how much he cares about him in the series to the point that it surprises donald when scrooge does show that he cares about him, and it makes sense that donald is surprised by it, scrooge had openly displayed favoritism for della saying how incredible she was but for donald the only thing he has really openly displayed is dismissal, comparisons to his sister and that scrooge usually just uses him to his beneficial. scrooge needs to learn how to show his affection to the twin he has left effectively, we know he cares, but donald doesn’t and for good reason! scrooge, show him your love for real!

in conclusion, their relationship is improving! it still needs time and adjustment and for scrooge to meet donald halfway into the whole forgiving the past stuff. however, they love each other despite everything and i think thats what matters the most :D they can do it! these ducks dont back down! AND…

[yenneferw]

Can you please rant about jk Rowling she’s fucking awful with her queerbaiting, racism, and transphobia. Like I need someone else to validate me for not liking her

absolutely i hate her!!!!! this is a REALLY long post but she’s written so much and she’s been in the spotlight since her books got famous so like… there’s a lot to talk about i guess. anyway @ jk rowling get ready to be called out 

racism

first of all on this valid bitch of an i hate jk rowling post, the ilvermorny houses. it’s like…. Big cultural appropriation of native american ideas and stories, twisting them to fit her narrative for harry potter and completely disrespecting their history and origins. the history she creates for north american wizards is shit too, saying that native americans would “primitively” practice magic until europeans civilized them with wands (even tho…. it’s like really impressive to do magic without wands in her universe??? like sounds like the native americans were way ahead of europeans, but ofc she twists her own narrative to make the natives primitive). her whole history or north american wizardry also apparently just follows white wizards immigrating to north america and shit…… 

this video is……. a really good poem on the stereotypes and fetishization of cho chang and there’s no way i can reword what the speaker says bc she says it too good so,,, watch it

jk rowling is also really good at speaking out about racism when she wants to on twitter and yet all of her canonical poc characters in the books are background characters. i know hermione is black in the cursed child play, but that feels a bit like the dumbledore thing to me, like they never actually talk abotu it in the books? and if she wanted hermione to be black why didn’t she have any protests about emma watson being cast? if she wanted harry to be brown why didn’t she have any protests about daniel radcliffe being cast? i don’t know if she had any say in that, but i guess she had a say in insisting that the actors had to be british, so if she cared about making a main character poc, why did she not have any qualms about the cast, even in retrospect, even respectful ones like “i love daniel and emma to death but in retrospect i wrote them as characters of color”?

like she didn’t have to push dean and cho and the very small characters of color to the side but she did. she didn’t have to stereotype cho but she did. there are no poc in fbawtft, or there aren’t in the movie at least – and if she’s so happy about johnny depp and can speak out about that relentlessly, but she wanted there to be characters of color in fantastic beasts, why can’t she speak out about that? 

like the cultural appropriation is enough to see that she’s clearly a racist asshole who doesn’t care about the cultures of people who aren’t white, but it’s also clear to see in the background of her writing that she doesn’t care about research for shit if it’ll help to respect people of color in her stories, and she certainly doesn’t care to ensure that there are important characters of color for people to look up to when they read her books or watch the movies about them 

transphobia 

i guess she liked a terf’s article on twitter? like i dont’ knwo how reputable my sources on that were or if she meant to, but if she did, yikes

and from what i saw of the article it was Deep Terf Rhetoric, and tbqh i wouldn’t put it past her to have meant to have done that

i’ve seen ppl saying harry potter has transphobic aspects to it as well but i couldn’t find anything under all the times she’s “defended” trans ppl on twitter like idk i can’t take anythign she says on twitter by heart bc everything she does feels performative and fake af, and i haven’t read the books in like four years so i can’t say for sure based on my own memory 

also she wrote a trans woman in a more recent novel and she’s apparently totally impulsively violent like wow great way to conform to nasty stereotypes about trans women lmfao

like esp bc of this i wouldn’t put it past her to be a terf

homophobia & queerbaiting

saying! dumbledore! is gay! after! the fucking! book series! is not! representation!!!!!

even if she HAD make him gay during the series, he’s not good rep??? he was a manipulative asshole who let a child stay in an abusive home becuase he was too big of a dumbass to think about a way around the issue so that a little boy could live in a home full of people who treated him fairly. so uhh?? the cishets can fucking have him, i don’t WANT him in the goddamn community. 

but she thinks that she’s not homophobic bc he’s the only gay character who never even got to talk about being gay, who we never see in a relationship with a man. like throwing gay ppl scraps isn’t?? rep??? it’s queerbaiting you dumb bitch @ jk rowling…. 

she specifically said herself that werewolves are meant to represent diseases like AIDS, and characters like fenrir greyback are predatory werewolves who want tos pread around the AIDS-like disease, conforming to 1980s homophobic stereotypes against gay people for “wanting” to spread around AIDS like how can you in one breath say you want to bring light to diseases like AIDS and in the next make a character who literally models homophobic stereotypes with the same disease?? 

also, remus was supposed to be gay apparently, but he “changed and fell in love with tonks” like ok first of all bi people exist, second of all why would you write a straight person who’s supposed to basically have AIDS when that sounds a hell of a lot like “predatory gay man infects poor straight kid” like there’s SO MUCH wrong with that, and yeah you kind of have to dig into it a little bit to get there, but when you’re writing about risky topics and you literally admit to it, you need to be WELL-VERSED on what you’re writing about!! and to say you’re writing about AIDS is deeply mixed with gay history! and to say that the main character who is a werewolf was SUPPOSED to be gay and then pretend you’re NOT associating it with gay people is just… such cognitive dissonance, or maybe really ridiculous ignorance

also, dumbledore is dead. so even if he was good rep, and it was within the books, he’s fucking dead. another buried gay, fuckos! pile em up! 

and i’ve heard there’s a shit ton of queerbaiting between harry’s son and draco’s son in cursed child? which like…. may just be subtext, but there’s a huge section of the fandom who’s all about harry x draco (i have not good feelings about that ship personally but to say it’s not popular is to never have seen anything in the fandom), and she must know that? like she’s not oblivious is she? so why would she like…. put subject between their sons? ?? it feels like it’s a bone to “hey i never gave you harry x draco, so here are their sons, who i’m also never going to give you” 

also? if grindelwald WAS dumbledore’s bf at some point, what does that say about what she thinks about queer men? he’s deeply predatory and preys on credence in a very creepy way that plays on stereotypes about older gay men preying on younger gay boys, and he’s also a disgusting villain played by johnny fucking depp, an abuser (who SHE SUPPORTS) of all people. what does that say about what her mind goes to when she thinks about gay men????? 

i don’t actually know her role in those films, but she has said she loves depp, what he’s done with the character, and where the darkness of grindelwald is going in the first movie and its sequels, so even if her role is very little, she supports what is being done. 

also…. um apparently newt scamander created a werewolf registry…. a little honest to god werewolf registry in the fucking 40s….. ??????????? what r we supposed to think here, about a registry of discriminated ppl in the FORTIES…….????? and that’s the protag of fantastic beasts… cool it’s fine it’s fine

ableism

when talking about irredeemable characters like voldemort, she literally said that “whether it’s a personality disorder or illness” they’re not redeemable…. !!!?? here is a post on that subject with links to the sources of the interviews she said this in. 

i don’t know where to put this bc this could be any number of things but i just thought about this so i’ll put it here: the thing that’s created in fantastic beasts, where it’s like basically a personification of anguish from suppressing magic – that’s quite blatantly a reference to any number of minorities, like gay people suppressing their sexuality, trans people suppressing their gender, the mentally ill and disabled pushing themselves too hard or trying to ignore/hide it… and credence was vilified and killed and the protags weren’t even… really sad about it?? and the ministry of magic never really THOUGHT About that they just killed him….. and that’s okay…. that’s fine… they’re just going around killing a bunch of KIDS who are inconvenient to them and who basically symbolize a whole number of oppressed groups. cool, it’s fine

you could also make a point that werewolves also represent the mentally ill, and all the same fucked up shit basically applies here

she also said that everything that muggles can get can be cured by magic, thereby effectively giving some bullshit reason for not actually having any disabled or mentally ill characters, also assuming that it’s not totally ableist to just…. “cure” all that? she didn’t say it specifically about mental illnesses and disabilities, but it’s clear to see that with her attitude on “irredeemable” mentally ill people, she would 

fatphobia

most fat characters in harry potter are shitty people. the dursleys, pettigrew, and umbridge – all characters we’re supposed to find deeply wrong, the ones we’re supposed to hate the most other than, like, voldemort. like…..? a lot of the other fat characters are all “matronly” like molly weasley or stubborn and “lazy” like cornelius fudge who allowed voldemort to rise to power. like what’s that supposed to say about what she thinks the extent of fat people is? stubborn, evil, or motherly? 

she actually has a character grow fatter and fatter based on how shitty she acts towards harry because of a magic mishap. she also usually describes the nice fat people as “plump” and “pleasant,” while she describes dudley as “so much like a pig” that he couldn’t even be turned furhter into a pig when it was attempted, or as a “killer whale,” or vernon dursley as “having no neck”

her fascination with abusers

exhibit a: she loves johnny depp, she loves him for the part of grindelwald, she praises what he’s done for the character, she praises his casting. he’s abused his wife..................

exhibit b: she loves dumbledore. he is constantly manipulating harry and not actually helping him get out of difficult situations at home or at school, putting him and the other kids in danger multiple times, not talking about important information to keep them safe, like?? 

exhibit c: snape. a fucking nasty ass creep to lily. neville’s GREATEST FEAR. like i dont’ even need to talk about this, we all know snape, dumbledore, and johnny depp are shitty lmfao

and yet she named harry’s kids after dumbledore and snape, like they didn’t fuck harry’s life up, especially snape, who terrorized him and his friends. 

in conclusion fuckos

she’s nasty!!!!! i was going to do a section on sexism but i can’t find anything – i think she’s too much of a White Feminist to be sexist, probably. likely she cares more about researching feminist issues than she does about researching native myths before she steals them for her own gain lmfao. there is the fact that she supports an abuser like johnny depp, tho! 

she is constantly like… going against all this on twitter too lmfao, like it’s hard to find good articles on her shittiness on the first page of google bc most of it is “jk rowling defends trans people against transphobic tweet, jk rowling defends muslims against islamophobic tweet, jk rowling defends [this group or that group]” and yet she includes so much bigotry hidden in the details of her books and what she says about her books. like i know some of this isn’t quite on the surface, but ultimately when you write a book with subjects you don’t really know about, your inherent biases are going to be apparent under the surface, and since she’s such a famous author with so many books and so much spotlight on her, if you dig in a little you can make easy conclusions/clearly see what she thinsk about minorities. so it’s really fucking annoying that she’s so “good and progressive” on twitter because it’s obviously performative so she can get the progressive points required for more people to buy her shit. like that’s the best word i can think of to describe her: performative. 

[woodenwedges]

1 through 100. Let's go! Answer em aaaalll!

Omg Kate you’re absolute mad!!! Thanks tho’ I love answering these things ❤️😁Hoo boy here we go!1. What is you middle name?Don’t have one! Neither does my brother.2. How old are you?203. When is your birthday?The 15th of may 🌸4. What is your zodiac sign?Taurus ♉️🐃5. What is your favorite color?Baby pink! 6. What’s your lucky number?Dunno about lucky number but my favorite number is 77. Do you have any pets?Yep! Two dogs.One sweet, blonde girl named Emsi (based on the danish word Emsig meaning officious)And a neurotic chihuahua named Henry. We got them both cause their owners no longer could take care of them and I love them to the moon and back ❤️8. Where are you from?Hirtshals in Denmark! I love my town to death9. How tall are you?Uuuh around like 1,65 m10. What shoe size are you?3911. How many pairs of shoes do you own?Too many.... we get a lot of free stuff so I have a lot. Probably around 10 pairs?12. What was your last dream about?The only thing I remember from my last dream was that I got a pimple on my forehead lol13. What talents do you have?I’m good at art, dancing and just performing in general and I’m getting pretty good with makeup!14. Are you psychic in any way?Nope15. Favorite song?Right now it’s brain damage and eclipse from The Dark Side of The Moonby Pink Floyd. They remind me of my mom ❤️16. Favorite movie?Don’t actually have one! But the last film I think I saw was carol and I absolutely loved it.17. Who would be your ideal partner?Just someone who’s intelligent and kind I guess! And has a similar sense of humor18. Do you want children?I do, but I’m probably never gonna birth any cause I have an illness I don’t want to risk transferring and also might be going on T soon!!19. Do you want a church wedding?I don’t really care20. Are you religious?Nah. I’m a spiritual atheist21. Have you ever been to the hospital?Only as a visitor. I’ve gone to the emergency room but I’ve never been admitted.22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?Nope23. Have you ever met any celebrities?My cousins a model who’s dating one of the Danish x-factor judges so yea.24. Baths or showers?BATHS25. What color socks are you wearing?White. I prefer just plain whites rn, but there’s was a time in my life where I always wore fun, colorful socks and never matching them26. Have you ever been famous?Lol no but a stranger did come up to me last week and told me she’s a huge fan of my work ❤️ a lot of the locals like my watercolor portraits27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?Honestly yea I do fantasize a lot about it 28. What type of music do you like?Music is a huge part of my life! My main Spotify playlist is 161 hours now and it’s all extremely diverse!The only music I don’t particularly like is blues and trap cause i find it boring. Right now I’m really into old grungy rock, punk, experimental stuff, rap and disco 💃🏼 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?Sure have! I did it countless times this summer at the beach. There’s nothing more freeing than swimming naked in the ocean 💙30. How many pillows do you sleep with?Just one, but it’s a really good one. Oh and sometimes and extra one just to cuddle 31. What position do you usually sleep in?Fetus position is my fav but I’m trying not to do that cause it’s bad for your back32. How big is your house?Pretty big. Two stories plus a garage where my friends and I hang out. And also a two bedroom annex33. What do you typically have for breakfast?Toast or oatmeal with nuts and berries34. Have you ever fired a gun?No35. Have you ever tried archery?I tried it a couple of weeks ago and it was really fun! 36. Favorite clean word?I like words like clean and crystal and chemical 37. Favorite swear word?Fuck.38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?Don’t remember. Pretty long. But I’ve started to be very careful with sleep cause my mental health REALLY depends on it39. Do you have any scars?Lots. Anything from self-harm to getting burned by a marshmallow lmao40. Have you ever had a secret ?Bitch my whole personality used to be a secret. So yea a lot41. Are you a good liar?Yup. I’m very creative and anxious so if I feel like I’ve done something I shouldn’t I immediately have a good lie ready. Also I’ve had some problems with compulsive lying whoops42. Are you a good judge of character?Nooo not really cause I always feel bad for disliking ppl so I force myself to keep an open mind. But I’ve learned to just follow my instincts a bit more43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?I’m pretty good at like southern American accents and also an American accent In Danish is so fun and cute. 44. Do you have a strong accent?It’s pretty strong. I used to fake a British accent out of embarrassment but then I started feeling pretentious so I let it go45. What is your favorite accent?I love a Colombian accent and French ofc. Also Indian and Chinese. Oh and a lot of African ones too, especially the ppl from Congo! But I love accents in general. They’re literally my go to ASMR trigger46. What is your personality type?INFP47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?My winter jacket... my mom wanted to buy me one that was new and when we finally found one that didn’t give me dysphoria I was so excited I forgot to look at the price tag... and she just bought it for me anyway.48. Can you curl your tongue?Yea and I can stick it between my tooth gap49. Are you an innie or an outie?Outie all the way50. Left or right handed?Right51. Are you scared of spiders?No, I used to have pretty severe arachnophobia but i worked through it and now I actually really love them! Also I don’t care how scared you are of them, don’t you dare kill them in front of me! That makes me so uncomfortable. Just let me know there’s a spider and I’ll get it safely outside for you 52. Favorite food?Love sushi with crab meat or fried shrimp!53. Favorite foreign food?Well probably sushi? Lol. Or anything Italian!54. Are you a clean or messy person?Super messy but I’m trying my best!55. Most used phrased?“Bid I det sure æble”. Basically “bite the bullet” in English 56. Most used word?Probably bitch. I use it in an affectionate manner towards friends lmao57. How long does it take for you to get ready?Very, very long58. Do you have much of an ego?Yea I think so59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?Suck60. Do you talk to yourself?Nope. 61. Do you sing to yourself?Yes!62. Are you a good singer?I’m decent. Think I could get good if I got a vocal coach63. Biggest Fear?Getting ridiculed, being misunderstood and being unwanted 64. Are you a gossip?I love gossip...65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?I don’t really know sry!66. Do you like long or short hair?Love all hair. I love running my fingers through long hair. I prefer short hair for me tho67. Can you name all 50 states of America?LOL NO68. Favorite school subject?I really liked art and foreign language classes69. Extrovert or Introvert?HUGE introvert!70. Have you ever been scuba diving?No but I’d love to try it!71. What makes you nervous?Public embarrassment is a big one. But racism, homophobia, transphobia and misogyny will also make me very, very nervous.72. Are you scared of the dark?Not at all73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?Depends on the mistakes? Never on like grammar and stuff like that.74. Are you ticklish?Very. I can tickle myself. But then again I am schizophrenic lol75. Have you ever started a rumor?Once in high school my friends and I started a rumor that I was “a hermaphrodite” and we kept it going for years. At first it was just to fuck with people but then I started getting like a kick from it. For some reason I loved the idea of people thinking I was intersex. Aaaand that was the start of me getting gender identity issues lol76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?I used to teach dancing lessons for kids at a local church lol does that count?77. Have you ever drank underage?Only a couple of beers. But the drinking age is here is 15 so that’s not a huge problem 78. Have you ever done drugs?a couple of times. Done ecstasy and Valium once which was really fun. And I’ve tried speed a couple of times but it has no effect on me. I also love weed if you consider that a drug 79. Who was your first real crush?Had a huge crush on a guy at my boarding school. And also a girl at the school... they became a couple and I remember wanting to die asdgsa80. How many piercings do you have?None! Had a septum once, but I never had my ears pierced as a child or anything 81. Can you roll your Rs?“Yea82. How fast can you type?Pretty fast!83. How fast can you run?I’m not a great runner but I’m getting better84. What color is your hair?Blonde85. What color is your eyes?Green86. What are you allergic to?Nothing. Tho I do get allergic reactions to extreme swifts in temperature 87. Do you keep a journal?Yup!88. What do your parents do?Both retired now but my dad used to be a fisherman and my mom ran a daycare and later worked with elderly people who suffered from dementia. 89. Do you like your age?Yea?90. What makes you angry?It takes a lot to get me angry but unnecessary hate and harassment usually gets me to tick91. Do you like your own name?I really like it actually! 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?I have but I don’t remember them... think I repressed those daydreams when I decided never to bear children :(93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?Idc94. What are you strengths?Intellectuality, kindness, curiosity, creativity and bravery. Also I get a lot of praise for being so open and aware of my mental illnesses and for fighting so fiercely to get healthy. 95. What are your weaknesses?Bad self criticism, naïvety, laziness and having trouble asking for help and taking initiative 96. How did you get your name?My brother decided it.97. Were your ancestors royalty?Pff highly doubt it98. Do you have any scars?Already answered this99. Color of your bedspread?That really popular, white IKEA one with flowers100. Color of your room?White, although I cover them up with posters, drawings and sometimes literal trash when i get psychotic cause white walls make me hallucinate like crazyThis was a fucking blast!!! Thanks Kate 😚❤️

[peridipshit]

EDIT: IDK HOW TO MAKE A READMORE ON MOBILE SORRY FOR A WALL

hey hey guys ive been super inactive and theres a reason for that and that reason finally worked out and i cannot fucking begin to explain how good it is ghjklljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjklhgfhjkl

read more for a super lengthy overshare of angst and ecstasy

i kno w its fuckin long, its not for anybody but myself bc ye i have adhd myself and dont know how to read sh i t and dont expect anybody to have the patience for this

so, if i start at the beginning, ive had, the hardest period of my life starting around fall 2016. ive been in community college for about 4 years now, and i dont want to list all of the things ive done because it wouldnt reflect the mental emotional and physical exhaustion ive put myself through for all of this work. and all this time i thought it would amount to nothing because a lot of what i was supposed to be doing was pushed away out of fear. i filled up my time with a million impressive things that i genuinely loved and enjoyed, but knew it wasnt the actual work to get into the universities i was so desperate for. i pushed,, all my applications to the week or day before the due date. i had to give up three out of seven universities because of the deadline pressures. 

but my main school, the one that i returned to as the ideal place, but a laughable pipe dream, was the one i worked the absolute hardest for

i needed to do two different applications with a total of uh, 8 or 9 essays? the first round of 5ish essays i submitted the day before, and then the second application, i started the week before and completed the essays and storyboard, and hit the submit button 2 minutes before the deadline. i had two winter semester classes (which both kept me under a no-sleep schedule) and i juggled the application work by night. i ended up with like 3 total hours of sleep in that week. i almost gave up like three times but i remember crying after finding this song which coincidentally reflects the acceptance into the university im now somehow attending. it was the moment to myself that i decided i wanted to push through and grow up

the third round where i almost gave up was when my professor couldnt recieve my emails and i had no other way to contact him during the winter. i came to his office the week school started in spring with a deadline of three days to get my letter completed, and he submitted it an hour and a half before the deadline. i spent that weekend convinced i would just take another year at community college and at home and prepare myself more. i cried after checking my phone when i was walking out of Black Panther because he hadnt submitted it with less than two hours left before my application would have been thrown out. he submitted once i got into the car and refreshed the tab

last month i got an interview with the school of my dreams. i looked up the real statistics and they choose 30 transfer applicants for interview and accept 15. that moment was a rush of disbelief and brief sobbing as i realized that maybe im not crazy and not stupid and maybe just doing good things

that was the longest week of my life, but it wasnt a nervous thing at all. i knew i could nail an interview, it just was practicing. i spent each car ride to school talking to myself for 30 minutes. 

i literally could not have done anything as amazingly as i did in that interview without my friend’s help (hey dude), i was literally hearing that skype notification and have never had my heart pound as hard in my life. two seconds thinking about my friends and everything theyve done for me was like, a reminder that ppl care and have my back and istg that power of friendship anime bs is real my dudes and i couldnt ask for better people in my life 

i rocked it like some kind of word virtuoso person and waited a month for a notification

limbo is wierd

i spent so long knowing i was so, close, but not in a place to celebrate

the day i found out was Of Course as wild as it was, where i was having a panic attack out of everything in the morning that accumulated, i was like near crying in class because the prof was kinda yelling at me and i almost lost my project and had to run about a mile in heels to look for it and i was being hit on by a guy twice my age and i had 2 hours of sleep

but????????? i got into ucIa in their theater film and television school, which is harder than any ivy league school. me and 14 other transfer students. 92 total undergrads in that entire film school. ill be nineteen into my junior year. ill be at the heart of the industry going into animation and able to do practically anything. 

a n d i learned that not only my tuition room and board will be covered, but likely a ridiculous amount beyond that too.

i just. got to a point in my life last year that i knew that i was setting myself up for failure and i thought that if i wasnt improving i was failing and so i put so much onto myself in terms of working that i literally had no time for myself. no time for anything leisurely and no time for shows or movies or games or even friends. the only thing i felt like was my escape was cosplay and i still had that shamed by my family for wasting money and time. i of course had many moments and opportunities to do a few things that i regard very fondly, but overall i had no time to genuinely reflect on the damage that everything had caused. it felt like i had no time to cry ultimately, like some kind of hamster wheel of responsibility and fear. im still recovering now, and i want to be better. i want to do my best for myself and everyone around me. and i want to become someone that can be healthy and be myself. and yknow what im pretty damn proud of where im already at right now 

trying hard to keep coherency but i gotta wake up at 5 for an 8am class tomorrow so this is a lil rushed. its probably corny as hecc, but hell i feel just ok for a second and thats nice. i would never have gotten here with the support around me and like, my friends and family have done so much for me and i could write ten of these rambles on each one of you. you care about me and i care about you guys beyond anything these words can express. (*cough*quinn keira kevin cece*cough* not to say everyone else i know hasnt impacted me because gOd so many lives have done so much for me, i just, hey, love yall) 

my life is finally feeling like something big, ive never believed in the destined for greatness thing, ive just felt Capable of greatness and afraid beyond words of wasting it. and i want to be great for me, i want to be great to others, and i want to be great to the big picture. 

just, holy fuck i love you guys so much and thank you 

things are finally looking ok and i would repay you guys back in to the fullest extent of my hearts adoration and appreciation

[angelblumes]

God for real, I have no idea what to say to anything to anybody talking abt my mental health like honestly I do try to be the most honest with my therapist because I dont really talk to any1 else irl abt it but you think I know words for how I feel? no. I do feel like a goldfish. I forget everything I've ever felt when I walk into the building. Thanx 4 the good luck tho 😊❤ I also had a little moment rsd when I asked my dad something and he didn't take it seriously so I did cry, salads are really the worst thing to accidentally forget abt/ something bad happen to it😢 😐 😑 I dont even care if you talk abt hannibal, its fine! I understand! I feel like I complain abt bugs almost everytime, but 😑 I got paranoid because a flying big ass beetle was on the ceiling of my porch? And i was 👀 so I wasn't paying attention when another 1 got all up in my face. I stg it made me mad cuz wth why are bugs like that? I had some watermelon w/ brown sugar and white sugar 😌 also some taco bell 4 dinner. I did write inside of my little diary tho 😁 also im sure ur therapist didn't want to kill u 🤣 We are the same person 💗 I also therapize myself , but its just me being emotional/mentally ill and then me trying to talk myself into being logical abt it. Sometimes I feel like I dont be mentally ill and different and im normal, but once I'm around other ppl im like oh ! yea I got problems and everyone can clearly see that and 😬 I still gotta work on it. Not to say I look bad or anything, I just can't put on a normal ppl mask you know? OK good night this was also very long and rambly and all over but✌❤

UR THE BEST EVER. have i said that? its so true. the salad didnt even go bad!!!! i will eat the rest of it today hopefully! and dw i hate bugs like i totally get it😭😭 umm.. i dreamt abt captain america and the winter soldier HELP. we were like besties... idk the only thing i really remember is that they were both hilarious like the whole dream is just me laughing then stopping and then laughing again. there was other stuff but i forgot it obv. i watched a hannibal amv and the song was "take me to church" haha but it showed scenes from the last eps and i forgot i havent seen most of the last season.... like i dont think u mind but spoilers!!^__^ abigail dies and i stopped watching for like 6 months bc of that. i had to rewatch the ep too bc i didnt know exactly where i left off. which is good cuz i did miss a few important minutes at the end but i did break down and sob again. they took hannibal off netflix too so i had to watch it on effing HULU. i despise hulu. the ads are ridiculous im already paying y'all just give me the show! i brought that up bc umm... i cant believe i just QUIT season 3? its so good like i skipped around eps bc i rlly already know what happens but i will watch it all the ads r just impossible. anyway my friend just SCOLDED? ME? for eating a banana too slow????? my rsd barely like bothers me w her bc i just get pissed off like she does this stuff sometimes and it always is ridiculous. "we dont want to get gnats" by me taking a few minutes to eat a god damn banana?😐urgh. i had an awful panic attack bc my allergies are so bad i cant rlly breathe thru my nose right. n i was brushing my teeth and trying to breathe thru my mouth. n i couldn't. i have asthma btw so i was lile oh god this is some extreme asthma attack and im going to die. i did not die. i hate panic attacks like i nvr know its happening in the moment and it makes it worse. n normal ppl masks... SO RELATABLE! anyway um i dont feel like counting all whatever i said so i'll say one thing more. i brought up the hannibal here bc not bc of THAT amv but the one to hoodoo by muse😭 muse is.. big right? i really feel like i live under a rock and i've never been outside. i don't know how i'm supposed to know this stuff. anyway oh em gee. its soooo good. the video. i mean the song is too. i hate amvs where they're like good but the music sucks. even if its good music if it just doesn't vibe then it sucks. anyway idk it totally wrecked me after like seeing abigail die AGAIN and then will saying "i forgive you" and then hannibal walking away and then will n hannibal kill whatshisface together. i might just try to pirate hannibal only bc of hulu's 1-2 minute long adds every 10 minutes. i dont have that kind of patience. i'm always long and rambly do not worry❤️💗

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 3]

I have to warn you all that this chapter has a rape scene in it. It’s completely ridiculous, and I really don’t know if that makes it better or worse. Proceed with caution.

Recap: Edward gave into tempation and tried putting the moves on Tiaa. She went along with it at first, but then pushed him away because they were in public and Edward already has a girlfriend. Edward seems to think Tiaa is a vampire, even though she doesn’t appear to be and his thinking she is doesn’t really make sense. 

Chapter 1 Previous chapter

AN - hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it! 

That’s a bit worrying.

thanx for the suport from my frends love u girls!glad u like it! oh an VINCENT ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz! 

Hey, you never said she put her shirt back on! Actually, you also described Edward ripping it off her, and we know it’s made out of fishnet, so… I kinda doubt she still has a shirt left to put back on.

one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT!

I can’t imagine not liking this story. I’m being serious. It’s a masterwork. It’s right up there with “My Immortal” in my eyes.

NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off!

I think the point is to annoy the author. Which appears to be working.

Capter 3 – uncle larry

Wow! Really looking forward to the capter!

I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me! 

Just me or is she a tad fixated on his hair?

Also… Tiaa isn’t the sort of girl who blends in, and she knows it. She’s aware that she’s pretty and she’s used to getting attention — both positive and negative — because of her looks. She’s also loud (she yelled at Edward when he bumped into her), and she dresses in a manner that… well, let’s just say most small-town high school students don’t dress like Tiaa. This girl isn’t ordinary and she’s well aware of it. Why the false modesty?

But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off, and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF anyways, even if she was a mean girl with an ugly heart and not that hawt. 

Not only has she not met Bella yet, she hasn’t heard anyone talk about Bella either, so I don’t know how she came to the “she’s a mean girl with an ugly heart” conclusion.

But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range

"hello "

"hey, is that altantiana?"

"yah who is this?" I aksed.

"its Mike nooton from your class! 

She hasn’t met Mike yet either, unless that happened in the deleted scenes or something. I guess, if he called her house phone, that he could have got Dave and Marie’s number out of the school directory… but this seems a little weird if they’ve literally never met.

I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? 

To clarify, he is talking about a beach. He means La Push. Stuffed animals are probably not involved.

Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -

I can maybe buy that a high school boy is desperate enough to ask a random pretty girl to a party with him in the hopes that maybe it’ll kindle some sort of romance, but this is a really bad way to go about it. Asking out a girl you’ve never met is… not the best plan. Why not just frame it as inviting her along because she’s a new student and it would be a good opportunity for her to hang out and make friends? You don’t have to be explicit about your crush before you’ve even had a conversation with her.

Also I think Mike is already dating Bella’s friend Jessica, but fuck her, I guess.

"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked

"you mean bella and jessica's gang? 

I’m gonna wait a bit to talk about how weird it is that Bella is hanging with a “gang” of cheerleaders, but like… why does Tiaa know Mike hangs out with them? Again, this is their first conversation, and (as far as we know) the first time she’s even heard of him.

Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. 

He’s maybe undermining his own point there.

And they can be mean sometimes.-"

So… like anyone, then?

"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike! Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! 

Oh, Tiaa, you and I were on the same page until you pulled the fake modesty card. Besides, isn’t this a bit of an overreaction? He asked you to hang out with him at the beach, it’s not like he’s proposing marriage or anything.

And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was!"

What exactly does she mean by “screwed up in the brain bran”? Like, are we talking legitimate mental illness, or is this just teenage angsting? And, in either case, what exactly is her problem that makes her undateable? This is about the vaguest possible rejection, and I don’t know if she’s implying something is actually wrong with her or that she’s just Not Like Other Girls.

"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around and forget there names and forget to brethe! 

That’s your only reason? She’s pretty? Weren’t you saying something about cheerleaders being shallow a minute or two ago?

How can't you have noticed that? 

Decent point, actually. If your character is dropping jaws and turning heads with her beauty, either she’s aware she’s beautiful or there’s a reason she doesn’t realize. Like… maybe Tiaa thinks the people staring at her are doing so because of how she dresses, not because they think she’s pretty. Tiaa has actually seemed pretty aware of her effect on others throughout, though, so unless she’s just playing modest around Mike for some reason this scene doesn’t make any sense.

And I don't CARE how screwed up you are! It only maked you more interesting! 

He’s not even gonna ask for clarification on that?

Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "

The argument he’s making would probably be way more convincing if this wasn’t, you know, their first conversation ever.

"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was.

Oh, come on.

"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen. 

Yeah, I guess when compared to the weird dude who tried to fuck you in a locker room and threw a shirt at your head Mike really isn’t worth a second thought.

Even though I was anger with edward than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore, a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. 

My mistake, they were in a hallway, not a locker room. Not sure if that’s better or worse, but, depending on how busy that hallway normally is, it’s probably worse.

I creamed myself. 

Didn’t need to know that.

My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore. 

I mean… she didn’t, really. She went along with his advances up to a point, and it doesn’t really show good judgement on her part, but he was the one acting like a “hore” in this situation. Putting the moves on a random girl in a public space when you’ve already got a girlfriend? Keep it classy, dude.

I was scared of the affect he had on me.

Effect. “Affect” is a verb. Nice sentence otherwise.

(Okay, if you’re a grammar pedant, “affect” isn’t always a verb… it can also be a noun, when we’re talking in a psychology context, which Tiaa isn’t.)

"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly

"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.

Convenient. Two less characters for the author to have to deal with.

Wait, no, oh my god, I just remembered what happens in this chapter.

"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!”

I… okay, that’s some natural dialogue.

"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. 

Come on, girl, it’s just a compliment! Not like she’s hitting on you! At least I hope not.

I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking.

I kind of like that Tiaa is a goth girl who likes bright pink. There are plenty of real-life goth girls like that, but you pretty much never see them in fanfiction.

"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!"

You know “leaven” is what you do to bread to make it rise, right?

"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself!

Freudian slip? I mean, she is pretty embarrassing.

Marie smiles and leaves the house.

Marie doesn’t give a fuck, it seems.

"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face

You know he’s a bad guy because he’s ugly. That’s how it works!

"Hey - i said

"your the orphan arent you" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?”

Nice to meet you too, Uncle Larry.

"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears

"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly

I’ve just thought of a fun game. There are five more chapters left. Let’s all place bets on which chapter Uncle Larry will get horribly murdered in.

I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche. He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me! 

I know the implication is he’s watching her in a pervy way, but if I was making someone wash my car and I didn’t particularly like them I’d keep an eye on them too.

After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face

"wft!" i shouted

What Fuck The?

He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes. He touched my naked breats and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour then he pulled my panties down and started to rape me!

I really don’t want to be laughing at a rape scene, because rape is one of those things that’s just inherently unfunny, but… this is testing me. I mean, an entire half hour of spanking? The dramatic announcement that he began raping her after he forcibly stripped her naked and spanked her for thirty minutes, as if this is a surprise? The fact that all of this is happening in plain view of any neighbors Dave and Marie might have? Good lord. I truly do not know how to react.

I also have to wonder why Tiaa makes little attempt to fight back here. It’s pretty reasonable to freeze up when you’re violently attacked, but Tiaa has proven that she’s both capable and willing to fight off anyone she perceives as a threat (kung fu babie!) previously in the story. Is Uncle Larry too physically powerful for her to win against? We don’t really know how big he is compared to her, and Tiaa has been described as strong and fast previously. Both of them are unarmed, and, if there are neighbors, the noise should alert someone to what’s going on (Tiaa has been shouting/screaming throughout). Why is he getting away with all this? Oh, right, plot reasons.

"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop! 

Shocker.

The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small. 

Didn’t need to know about his dick, thanks!

I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there. 

Wait… hours? This guy has impressive stamina.

I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed.

“Seething darkness of the midnight street” is a pretty good phrase, actually. I mean, super cheesy and doesn’t really mean anything, but if this was lyrics some alt-rock band wrote I’d accept it.

Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. 

It was… VLODEMONT AND DA DETH DEALERS!

I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,.

It was… VOLSEMORT IN A WIG AND DA DEATH DEELRS!

"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?-

Well, we all saw that one coming a mile off.

"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark.

I hope she whispered the acronym instead of saying “oh my god.” Her dad will be totally confused! Old people don’t know how acronyms work!

Next chapter

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help.