#i cant work because my mental health is so bad and I have no free time because of uni

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

[scaredofmyocs]

I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long

[aristotlecoyote]

Nah but my guys.

This shit

Is inexcusable. Any of you supporting them when those attached to them say *this* after gloating about a 115 dollar bag *for their honey moon*

And saying they are barely surviving and having trouble making content

Dont deserve your respect as a viewer.

This comment is a glimpse at their true natures whether you like it or not.

This isnt a hate attack. I have an inherent respect for life and the humans that live it. I respect that they are humans that do whatever they want of their own free will. Like yeah spend money. Do things. Live your life buy a house eat good healthy food.

But that is all a privilege. A privilege not many people have at the moment??

I am privileged. I work for my family as a caretaker(paid for by the state btw. My parents can not afford to pay me other wise). I cant buy my own food. I make "too much" to have food stamps. I live off of what my parents, who are also struggling, can provide. I live with my parents at 27 because working conditions and living conditions are so bad and i am so mentally ill i cant be on my own for my own *safety*. Just because i am able to live in relative comfort by the grace of my safety net doesnt mean ive always had that grace. And many *many* more people in the world dont even have the safety net that kept me off the street. I stole food from my old roommates because i was hungry and couldnt afford food. I was feeding my dog *my* food because i couldnt buy his food. I am 5,000 dollars in debt because i couldn't afford health insurance and went to the ER because i was going to end my life. I couldnt pay the 260 dollar bill i was sent so i just hoped and prayed it would go away and now its eating me.

I am also bad with money even when all my bills are paid.

I bought merch. I bought tickets to the live show. I did that because i paid my bills once and had enough to feed my addiction to solving my depression with buying tiny useless things. I know its not a good fucking idea. I know it is but im sure someone out there understands that you cant always control yourself when you arent fully present in your own life. I cant even leave the house because i *know* ill spend money and i *know* i cant.

And i thought i was supporting people who cared about their fans enough to atleast not say stuff like this.

I was staying subscribed to the youtube channel out of the hope that they would change their mind, see reason? Maybe?

But they wont.

This shows that they wont. That they refuse. That all good faith worries and criticisms mean nothing to them because We cant pay them to care.

So yeah. @wearewatcher @watcherfans these are the people you want to be and support, huh? Positivity is nice when you arent eating ramen. When you arent skipping meals to make yourself feel better for living off your equally struggling family. When you have enough around you to feel safe and secure enough to pay for something that isnt even worth the money you put in.

This isnt a post to get pity. This is a post to put in perspective the reality working class people face. What poor people face. What disabled people, who cant even marry or grow savings, face.

Please. Just think of humans as people and not just money and art.

[notetaeker]

Hello!!! How did you become so dedicated to your studies? Do you have some advice?

I love your blog, btw✨️

Hi hi hi!! Thanks for the sweet message 💞💞

My BIG study tips (after 25 years of studying):

Accept your fate. This goes for anything but I used to procrastinate with studying a LOT and once you start it's actually not that bad. It's guaranteed. Automatically once you start, you have started, so you're already on your way, so it's already automatically not as bad anymore. Whining abt ur studies and avoiding them will not make them go away unfortunately. Just do it.

Make study time sacred. A few minutes of focused study is much more valuable than 5 hours spent at the library "studying" + scrolling + talking to friends + listening to music at the same time. Doing 5 hours like that is literally putting yourself thru hell because 1. you cant fully enjoy any of those non-studying activities and 2. you come out of that being like ugh I studied this page for 5 hours I'm tired of studying I need a break. Pomodoro method really changed my life pls try it out if u haven't already

That one tumblr post that says 'learning is basically being exposed to the same materials many times in multiple ways' is 100% correct. How many different ways can you expose yourself to the material. Memorizing facts- can you draw it? Can you organize the facts into lists? Can you attach a funny story to one of the facts? The more ways you interact with any material, the stronger it's saved in your memory. Find out if you're a visual learner- and then create visual tools, maybe color coding things helps you. Do a little digging and find out what works for you.

Diversify your life. Have some hobbies, spend time with friends/family, take a break. Let the computer of your brain sort out things in the background while you do other things. Once you go back to studying, you will feel refreshed (and not fatigued from 5 hrs in the library doing "studying") This also means that if you fail an exam, you won't be like 'oh no i spent my whole spring break studying for this exam and didn't even enjoy it and now I got a bad grade i must be horrible my life is nothing' and spiral. def not based on a true story :) Instead you'll be like yeah I failed but look at this scarf I crocheted look at mee i have mental health!

Sleep is magic- no matter what anyone else tries to tell you. 1. If you studied something during the day, just review those things right before bed and magically they will get set into your brain. Also 2. sleeping is when our brain sorts info so if you don't get any sleep at all it' the same as taking your study sheets and throwing them into the air, so when you ask your brain for the info during the test it's like lol it's around here somewhere. On the other hand, if you slept and gave ur brain time to sort it, when you ask for that info, it'll just open the right drawer and give u the info!

That's it for the big ones- if you want more specific advice feel free to ask! Also as a disclaimer, these 5 are all big life lessons that I had to learn thru trial and error, so consider these to be the advice I would give myself at a younger age. Pls don't be offended lol whenever I said 'you' I rlly was thinking abt myself.

[fairycosmos]

hey sorry if this is invasive but how do you know you have depression? things have been harder to cope with for the past month but i am incredibly ashamed of asking for help or even saying out loud because i feel dramatic, attention seeking etc. even realising how much it is affecting my life. do i really need to get it out to get better?

ive had it since i was a kid and my doctor has been aware of it since i was like 11 so it was just smth i grew up with - when im in a particularly bad episode i can tell because im extremely lethargic, unmotivated, don't look after myself, am prone to severe hopelessness and a sense of impending doom following me everywhere + self destruction, i drink more, i get paranoid, i dissociate and feel disconnected from the world around me and from my own body, im numb/sad most of the time, i have panic attacks and cant get out of bed even for things i would usually want to do, im very disorganised and have a flat affect/tone of voice, i don't interact with people much....honestly the list goes on LOL.

it's important to understand that depression manifests uniquely for everybody and if youve noticed a difference in your own behaviour/thinking patterns that is actively and consistently impacting your life negatively - then that is enough of an indicator that something is going on. it doesn't need to be any worse. if it's already difficult, then it's already difficult, and you deserve support with it. to some extent it's some normal to feel ashamed/afraid of reaching out - we're raised in a world that stigmatises mental illness and we've received that messaging for a long time. which makes it feel like the truth, but doesn't mean that it is actually true. i think the bottom line is that you need to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. you wouldn't want them to cut themselves off from asking for help because they've bullied themselves into silence over what people might or might not think of them. if we want to live in a world that truly supports people with mental health issues in an effective way, then we need to hold ourselves to that same standard. i know it's incredibly overwhelming, and im not saying it's wrong to be anxious or scared about reaching out. i just think actively trying to frame it from a more objective mindset could help you accept what is happening and what the right next step is for you. if you have the opportunity to talk to someone - a hotline, your doctor, a local support group or therapist, even a friend/family member to begin with - i really encourage it. even write down what you want to say or bullet point what's been going on so you don't feel like you're being put on the spot. im sure you're imagining all sorts of reactions, but in my experience, professionals are very accepting of what you're going through and just want to work with you to see how you can process and cope with your current mindset more healthily. whether it's medication, talking therapies, showing you new coping skills - there's a lot that can be done for someone in your shoes. you're not stuck and they're not going to judge you. even if, in some alternate reality, you just wanted some attention - that's not a crime. i think it's natural to want someone to witness and acknowledge us when we're hurting anyway. sorry to ramble - there are a lot of depression self help and coping pdfs that are free and available to download online which offer a bit of support. maybe that could be a good stepping stone if you're feeling super uncomfortable with the idea of talking to someone. we all work on our own timeline and thats honestly ok. but if you're looking for truly personalised and effective help then i think working towards talking to someone is your best option. it's okay to not be happy about that and still do it, like swallowing a medicine that tastes gross. otherwise the thoughts just rot inside you and you get lost in a spiral of depressive thinking patterns and it weighs you down having to manage it all alone inside your head. you become at risk of losing all objectivity and sense of self, which happens to me often and is fucking horrible. if it's possible, i really hope you eventually bring this up to a loved one or a professional. im really sorry you're going through this and i truly hope better days are ahead. sending a lot of love. X

[justyourtypicalwriter]

service dog au hcs because i cant be normal about them?? 👀

Kyle: 👻🫂💔🌟

Stan: 🎶👽💤😶

Kenny: 👻🎶🦾💔

Clyde: 💤🦾🥇😶

Butters: 👽💔💄😶

Cartman: 👻👽😺😶

Craig: 👻🦾🌟😶

Tweek: 👽🫂🍫😶

sorry its a lot 😭 if youd rather not do any feel free not to lmao

Oh my fucking god this took me way longer than it should have😭-

tw for slight talk of suicide

Kyle: 

👻 - OOH OKAY. Now, I could get REALLY into this with a multitude of different things but the main one has got to be not having control. It’s why he hates being “sick” and hates the aspect of having a service dog for a while. He can’t control when he’ll have a P.O.T.S flare up, he can’t control when he’ll have a bad high or low, he can’t control his tolerance to taking food by mouth nor can he control if it’ll trigger a flashback of some sorts. Mainly, he can’t control where he is on the dependency scale. Kyle needs someone to be there for extra supervision, as much as Noble has benefited him. But at the same time, Kyle is a very stubborn, independent person. He doesn’t want some constant dependency on someone. He has no control over his physical or mental health so he craves control over other factors in life so he doesn’t feel like such an unstable mess.

🫂 - Picking someone for this one was tricky but I think I’m gonna talk about Kyle and Tweek’s relationship while I have this. I see Tweek and Kyle as staying kind of close after Tweek was in their group. They help each other out, especially after Tweek is placed with the Broflovski’s during their senior year. Kyle shows Tweek some distraction techniques he’s picked up on and Tweek works with Kyle to find innovative ways to help him slowly regain some of his independence.

💔 - Such bad emetophobia. It’s not really bad when he’s not the one vomiting though. The ARFID really fucks him over. There was a short period of time where he went on and off the nasal tube, I wanna say like every now and then from 11-13. He really thought he was getting better…he wasn’t. The summer of freshman year is when he really started going downhill at a rapid pace. Just the thought of eating could send him vomiting. Sometimes it’s only for a few minutes, sometimes it's an hour plus.  It hurts, it makes him feel horrible and it happens so often. More often than not he’s shaking, hunched over the toilet bowl either fighting back or in tears. And the poor thing is left exhausted and feeling absolutely disgusting afterwards.

🌟 - This one’s a fun one too. He wants to travel, see the world you know? He’s been so coddled most of his life that he never got the proper chance to but he’s determined to make it happen. 

Stan: 

🎶 - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3HoLXMmVuoMXPGbTHk7zvL?si=g9r63piOQz2thQKgmXJ3zg&pi=u-Kr5cAidHSeya (I’m jamming to this rn lmao)

👽 - I’m not sure if this counts as a quirk, I mean I kind of feel like it falls under a personality quirk but has a tendency to react emotionally to some things at times while at other times he could give less of a shit.

💤 - Sleep? WHERE?!? (but for some reason he sleeps perfectly fine when a certain redhead is nearby…*cough* fags *cough*)

😶 - This crusty ass emo wet cat looking bitch LOVES dance. Ballet in particular. He rocks gothic ballet routines but he’ll dance to anything. Just him and his fucking black point shoes. If it weren’t for the crippling depression he’d be unstoppable. And no one suspected that he dances until the kids are like thirteen when Stan was bored out of his mind while the gang was at Starks Pond and started doing a bunch of fun tricks to entertain himself. The rest of the groups standing there, jaws on the floor, minds blown because since when did Stanley fucking Marsh know how to do this.

Kenny:

👻 - Losing a loved one, whether it’s a family or friends. Kenny is immortal, he’s gonna keep coming back, but the others? Any health scare, accident, or attempt of someone worries him a lot. It’s why he always has his bag of shit, he’s so worried about losing someone.

🎶 - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3lhm5rFXq1TXuMUKDiptuI?si=CY4XjCHAQr-fxXDHwQ4dlw&pi=u-E6jLyFZgTFam 

🦾 - Muscular Dystrophy & Chronic Pain (live, laugh, love chronic pain Kenny)

💔 - Okay, okay this one’s more of the concept is angsty when you think of it, but Kenny himself could give less of a shit. Kenny in this au is relatively happy, I mean yeah being chronically ill sucks total ass but he’s chilling with it. The only thing is that Kenny kills himself a lot. He’s ever curious and loves to see what happens. He ends up hanging in Hell with Damien for a while before being sent back and before he knows it he’s wondering “hm, wonder if that’ll happen again-“

Clyde: 

💤 - Clyde has a rocky sleep schedule. His health issues aren’t the reason for it though, it’s Fable. As mentioned in a previous post, she’s a little demon shit and has an ungodly amount of energy. Clyde finds this hysterical until it’s time to get up for school and he’s only slept like three hours.

🦾 - Clyde’s disability for the au is still being debated! Suggestions are currently open!

🥇 - I have a general headcanon that Clyde is really good at videography! Which, for all my Tyde girlies, falls into one of my general headcanons for Tolkien which is script writing. They make short films together and his biggest accomplishment is that one of their films won first place in their school's film contest.

😶 - He’ll play outside in the snow for HOURS. Even more now than when he was a kid since he’s got Fable. Clyde will just take her out for hours and they’ll have the time of their lives.

Butters:

👽 - Yet another personality quirk: Butters always has a ridiculous amount of enthusiasm for someone who’s been through so much shit in his life. He’s an optimist, it’s what draws people in.

💔 - Okay I just really love antagonizing his parents so so much. Haven is owner trained, Butters bought her himself when he was thirteen. When she was still a puppy something minor happens and Steven isn’t very happy about it so he fucking SELLS her. And Butters is so heartbroken. He only had this dog for a week and suddenly she’s just ripped away. It’s actually Cartman (for the most part) who helps him get her back. 

💄 - I know this one’s really basic but I adore giving Butters his eye scar from ‘Fun With Weapons”. It’s very intimidating but Butters is just a silly, goofy guy. 

😶 - Y’know those Instagram and Etsy shops that sell custom service dog gear? Butters is really into sewing and he runs one! Giving gifts has never been easier, he just makes them a new piece of gear.

Cartman: 

👻 - As much as I love antagonizing Cartman, I love when he has a soft spot for the main four (+Butters) a lot more. So if anyone’s acting out of character it lowkey has him shook. And with good reason, the gang has trauma from finding Stan post suicide attempt. It baffled Cartman since Stan had been acting more than okay for the past week. The bastard cares for his friends although he’ll never fucking tell them so he’s been paying attention to behavior changes ever since, even if they’re minor.

👽 - I’m actually gonna go dive a little deeper into the heterochromia thing. So if my memory is serving me correctly, the eye comes from Kenny so it’s blue. But every so often it has a purplish hue to it for a short period of time. Oh so conveniently, our favorite little poor boy is freshly back from Hell and his eye color has shifted from blue to a freakishly violet shade.

😺 - Oooooh y’all really want me to yap about Dolly. Firstly, she’s so soft. Like her fur was already soft but being that Cartman takes such good care of her, her fur is probably as good as it can get. He’s so gentle with her and she absolutely adores him. As for the rest of the kids: she’s not overly eager to go up to them but she likes them. Except for Kyle she fucking HATES him. 

😶 - Unfortunately Cartman is severely underdeveloped at the moment due to him being the most recent addition to the au so I literally don’t have anything else to say about him.

Craig: 

👻 - I feel like all of these fears have been really angsty but Craig’s is just spiders. They creep him the fuck out. Also high school musical-

🦾 - Epilepsy!

🌟 - It’s really a matter of what he wants to do first. He doesn’t act like it but Craig is really ambitious. Working in something with space is always something he’s wished to do. But he’s also into music (a mix of Tweek and Stan’s fault) and wants to learn violin. 

😶 - I love headcanoning that Craig has piercings so let’s jazz this up for the au a bit. In his late teen years he was (illegally) denied service at various piercing parlors because of Saturn. So he self teaches himself how to (semi) safely do piercings without being a professional and does them for his friends if they want.

Tweek: 

👽 - Second physical quick of the ask but it’s freckles! I love giving Tweek freckles but the ones that are barely visible at any time that’s not summer. That’s when they come out. 

🫂 - I already talked about his relationship with Kyle so let’s talk about Tweek and Clyde. I only just started playing around with their dynamic a few weeks ago while writing a bunch of Staig drabbles. It’s always really funny to me because you’ve got paranoid sarcasm meets hyperactive sensitivity.

🍫 - What a little stress baker! He can’t cook for shit but the boy sure can bake. And he like over bakes too. He doubles the recipe almost every time. It used to be easy to get rid of the extras, he’d just take them to the shop so they could be sold. But after the meth bust he’d basically ding-dong-ditch his friends and leave baskets of baked goods on their doorsteps. 

😶 - Him, Kenny, Kyle, and Bebe all drove out of Colorado for the weekend when they were seventeen because they all needed a break. They stayed at an inn for the weekend and no one knew where they went. So yeah, they were having the time of their lives while everyone back home was losing their shit.

feel free to ask if you want elaborations!

[arietisstarowl]

Edit: PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU CANT HELP. ALSO. I am willing to provide whatever proof I can for yall but like the only thing I can really prove is the situation with my mom bc documentation? Like idk how to prove verbal and mental abuse unless i just sit there and record it one day which is like really sus and likely to cause more issues?

Hullo! Sorry to come back with such news, but I seem to need a bit of help, so with a bit of a push from some friends, I finally decided to make this post. I need to move out into my own place ASAP. My mother and I live in a very toxic situation. It's gotten to the point where it's draining her mental health so much that she can't even stay out of the hospital. Her anxiety (and possibly her depression too considering she won't eat) spikes so much because of our situation that her physical health is deteriorating too. Yes, I am also a target of this toxicity, but I'm a bit more emotionally distant than her so I can ignore it easier,for a while at least. So, the plan would obviously be to move out ASAP. Problem is, she lost her job due to her frequent hospital visits, so it's all on me. Well, I have a good enough job to keep an apartment after moving in, the catch is, I need the down payment, FAST. Because of my credit being VERY bad my mother recommends saving up a few months rent before trying. So that's what I'll do. Any thing helps, from donations to commissions, or even sharing this post around. I don't know how to set up a go fund me, so instead, I'll just link my other methods. I'm uncertain if you can just do single payments on Patreon but maybe if people actually join, I'll modify the rewards a bit there, as I don't really feel good asking for free money--

Anyway,Even if you can't help financially, sharing this around also works. I appreciate that too ♥︎

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

So, I usually read acotar on the bus and during class and then I come home and write these posts but I had a Certified Mental Health Moment and couldnt go for the entirety of last week and I didnt feel like reading during that time, so yeah

Anyway, Ive made it through chapter 30 I think (sry i forgor and i dont feel like taking the book out of my bag rn to check) so Ive just gotten to the point where Feyre arrived UTM through that weird interdimensional (?) shortcut and then a hand grabs her and then the chapter ends. That means Ive finally had my proper introduction to my literary mortal enemy, the man, the myth, the legend, Rhysand Nolastname, and also Feyre's sisters as actual characters instead of the weird caricatures they were previously

The stuff with Nesta and Elain is honestly baffling to me, like was there not an editor to suggest maybe adjusting those first few chapters when she decided to flesh them out more? One of the acotar critiques I watched before reading was this one by a podcast called Unresolved Textual Tension and one of the hosts kept remarking that sjm "couldnt go back to change things" in reference to her constant retconning of characters with very little elaboration, but like, why? First of all, I dont think thats literally true; to my knowledge (which is admittedly limited so feel free to correct me here) sjm had her start on fiction press with the first throne of glass book, posted serially chapter by chapter, which got really popular and was then traditionally published in 2012, but every book after that was always intended to be published as a whole work went through the whole traditional publishing pipeline with editors and whatnot. So the issues with ACOTAR cant come from it being a serialized story that wasnt properly planned out and then wasnt fixed up in editing, right? And the only other thing I can think of is that she just didnt have an editor (or atleast not a very thorough one) which, people say that a lot of her more recent work (CC series, ACOSF) feel unedited because of how they drag and how often the prose seems to repeat itself and by this point shes popular and influential enough that Im pretty willing to believe that, but was she that popular back in 2015 from TOG alone? Idk if anyone can tell me anything about this I would appreciate it

I already have a lot of thoughts about Rhysand (spoiler alert: none of them are positive) but I think I'll save those for when we get to Those Scenes UTM. For now, I just wanted to ask all the Feylin girlies who read this book before ACOMAF came out or who went into the series without spoilers: didnt it feel incredibly weird that Rhysands beautifulness was so emphasized when, as far as you were aware, Feyre and Tamlin were meant to be endgame? Like, I think Feylin is cute and all but Im not really too invested in it because I dont find either of them on their own or their dynamic together that interesting, but it still felt a little disrespectful if thats the right word. Like, I know love triangles are a Thing in YA and I know they tend to be incredibly clear-cut and its usually very obvious whos gonna get the girl from the getgo, but in those cases the protagonist generally has some kind of actual relationship with The Bad Boy to justify a weird attraction to an obviously dangerous guy, in ACOTAR Rhysand has talked to Feyre exactly one time and then he sent over a head on a spike and here she is, talking about how indescribably beautiful he is while hes making her friend and the man she will claim to love in the next chapter go down on their knees to beg for her safety. Idk man it just feels so weird

[thesingingrevolution]

the way winwin carefully scheduled his year around the wayv comeback but sm suddenly switched the comeback dates up on him and he ended up not being able to participate ... and THEN he cant make it to the versache event cus he has to talk all of this out w the company.

yunquis r so strong... i would not be able to deal fr. how do u do it???

first of all thanks for your message 🙇🏻‍♀️💌

personally, i felt so upset and disappointed when the news broke :( it was bad enough it was gonna be an ot5 comeback, but when it was revealed it was because sm changed their pre planned schedule it made me angry. i understand that winwin has other important activities and if it was his own choice to sit this one out, i would have respected his decision and happily supported the other five members. but the fact that he went out of his way to ensure his schedule would align and they couldn’t even respect that.. it made me really sad. as far as we know, there is no reason this comeback had to me moved up. they just did it. and i’ve never seen anything like it, how can a company not respect their artist in this incredibly basic way? it’s heartbreaking.

i wish winwin stays in nct because i truly love him and i love his friendships in the group and his contributions etc etc but stuff like this makes me wish more and more than he only does what he needs to do for his career and happiness, regardless of how we feel. these transgressions are too serious in my opinion, to the point that when wayv were promoting on my youth during the last few months of 2023 as a proper group it almost felt like a fever dream. a full group promoting a comeback together should not be a rare occurrence. it’s so so so sad and wayv as a whole deserve so much better. the fact that i felt absolutely no excitement over this cb and haven’t even looked at concept pics or listened to any songs says so much. i will eventually, but it hurts right now :( i will need some time to get over this. not the fault of any of the members, of course!!! will always love and wish then the best.

moreover i hate that this feeds into the idea that winwin doesn’t care about his group. it’s such a common sentiment in the (toxic/misinformed/immature) parts of the fandom. if anything, winwin’s actions and deliberate desire to partake in the cb tells us the EXACT OPPOSITE. if he didn’t care, he clearly wouldn’t have gone through the trouble. like you’ve said, it’s causing more issues for him. so why would he do it if he didn’t care? i’m glad some clarifying posts went semi viral, and there was a decent amount of outrage. rightfully so.

as for how i do it….. my friend,, it’s not easy. to be honest, i have had periods where it wasn’t good for me (last summer, for example, i had so much free time to dedicate to kpop and it started affecting my mental health when i saw my fav neglected and disrespected all the time). thankfully i am better now and have been for a long time, it’s really embarrassing to admit kpop can mess one up like that lol but i hope people can be honest about how they feel since it’s very real in my experience. i try not too think about it too much and keep busy with other things, i took a huge step back from stan twitter and i only follow a few yunqi accs who post updates/positivity and don’t engage in fanwars and spread aggression across the internet. as for his company, it’s a bit more complicated. i feel as though his potential has never been fully realized, which is sad for a seasoned idol so many years into his career. but it also gives him so much space to grow, every now and then i am so surprised by his incredible work in other areas, because he was held back so much. i am so glad there are people who recognize his potential <3

i also try to remember that even though i love nct and its a huge part of my life, it’s just music and no matter what happens things will be alright. we will always have the good times and memories and that makes me feel better when i get upset. lastly, i learned to primarily focus on my own friends and my own thoughts. just last night, i told a friend i love winwin the most and she said she likes him and that he suits me as a bias. all my irl kpop stan friends have been nothing but supportive and sweet. and in my own head, winwin is the best, i dont have to think about his company and random people online to hold that opinion, and at the end of the day my thoughts are the only ones that really matter when it comes to this.

i’m sorry this is so long hahahha, but hopefully it explains a little about how i feel about all this!! once again thank you for your message 💖

[maxwellohwell]

Just a lil ramble vent

No one warns you about how brutal the transition from sheltered teenager to functioning adult is. All I've ever wanted was freedom, I love it. I was born an observer, its just in my nature. I love existing with the environment around me. I love walking in the rain, watching houses and cars and trees and boats and signs out from the window of a bus or a train, my favourite colours are pink or sunshine yellow but I always cave for a spooky grey/blue/purple colour scheme, my favourite food has always been spaghetti bolognese or pancakes, and the only times I remember that I am not a disembodied voice is when I look at myself in the mirror and dont identify with the body that I am in because I see myself as more of a concept then a human being. I've always been the secondary character in the stories of the people around me who always had something going on. In those stories I was the love interest who was too busy staring out the window to notice anything around them, I was the creepy mean "goth" that was added into the series to say weird stuff for laughs and to spite the protagonists, I was the best friend with bad advice, I was the child who was never allowed to grow up bc that meant her mother was growing old. Freedom feels like the morning sun beaming onto your face through fluffy white clouds or a day full of peaceful rain, and for me the only time I feel the warm rays of hope and tranquility is when chasing it hasn't been beaten out of me with the worried words of my overly paranoid mother or the judgemental looks of the people who can read the script.

So over the past weeks I've been moving out. I turned 18 half a year ago and my life has been slowly sinking like a ship for a while now. My mother is getting evicted and so I finally get to jump ship. Not exactly the "running away to the sunny city without telling anybody, going to the gym dressed as barbie while drinking a strawberry mango smoothie and getting money for writing emails in an office cubical" escape plan, but falling in love (i think, I dont entirely know if I even know what romantic attraction feels like) despite the fact that I live for being entirely alone and moving in with him works ig. But I've found myself in this weird tug-a-war while Im stuck between the two places, where I feel the beginnings of the freedom I've been wanting while Im away but then I need to go back to roleplaying an 8 yr old to survive. My mental health decreases while Im in that environment where I cant make my own choices, but I re-enter the adult world every few days and I feel paralyzed by the fear that Im going to break an unspoken rule and get yelled at for existing without supervision. Becoming an adult is very much just learning that its okay to exist and then teaching urself all the stuff you know that you dont know that you should know but you weren't taught bc growing up is illegal.

My entire life so far has been me waiting for this moment and I feel like Im wasting it by having these cognitive behavioural issues even though developing those wasn't at all my fault. One of my most vivid memories from highschool was walking with the vice principal while I was on my way to class. We happened to be going in the same direction and she started talking about how much she missed being young and free and how I should "treasure my teenage years while I still have them", and I remember that so clearly because of how little sense it made to me. My teenage years had no walks in the rain because "what if your kidnapped", my teenage years had no car rides because we were poor, my teenage years had no train rides because I had no where to go, my teenage years had no pink because I had to be the scary mean "goth" girl because no one messes with you if ur scary enough, my teenage years had no pancakes or spaghetti because I wasnt allowed to use the stovetop. How am I supposed to appreciate that? As an adult, you are in control. You shouldn't take your eyes off the road while you're driving. In my adult life I am happy. Everyday I wake up at 6am-8am, make my bed and watch youtube while I eat my pancakes, brush my teeth, go walk on the beach if I feel up to it, then I either go to the job that I love bc I chose it or play video games, do some chores, then I watch youtube with my boyfriend until I fall asleep. I do not want to leave that.

[iantcjcnes]

it’s the twenty sixth of february, 1;48 pm, and i am going to be twenty six in two days. and my depression has reached such a level today that it is telling me to kill myself.  

and i don’t know what to do. (apart from not killing myself, obviously.)

at the moment i hate myself. well, i hate myself more than usual, which is a lot. i hate my depression i hate that i hate myself. i hate the way that no matter how hard i try i can never be normal. i hate the fact that 

i just. i want to do something with my life. and i know that i'm not gonna. i hate that i am a discount version of holly, unable to do anything without having someone to hold my hand. i hate that i cant make or answer phonecalls without fucking moral support.

i fucking hate how like holly i'm always going to be stuck mentally at the age of what-ever-the-fuck-teen, being unable to be a functioning member of society. 

i wish that depression and anxiety didn’t fucking haunt every decision that i make. i wish I didn’t have to win a battle with myself every time i even thought about leaving the house. i wish that i didn’t feel so guilty every time i looked at the dog because i suck so much, that i can’t even take him for a walk. 

i hate the fact that i almost wish that i had killed myself when i was a teenager to stop the adult me, current me from feeling this way.

i wish I could fucking clean by myself, without forcing my mum or holly to hurt themselves to get me off my backside. i wish i could force myself to do the dishes, or fucking force myself to remember two buttons on the washing machine. but i can’t, and mum with her shitty legs has to do it for me. 

i see mum struggling to pay for things this month, and i know i should be helping. i know i could be helping, but i just cant. i cant articulate why but living here, rent free makes me feel so selfish and so shitty

i want to be an adult, with a job that i can do that i don’t hate, that pays the bills and lets me live comfortably. i want to be able to be spontaneous and do random things. i'm thinking about joining the army (which i wont because i suck so much that no matter what i do i know that i'll never be fit/thin enough.)

i want to be a streamer (but i wont because i suck, my voice sucks, my teeth suck, and i can’t get a fucking microphone to work.)

i want to act (but I cant for all the reasons i just mentioned. i want to get a history degree and do something with it. (but i cant because i don’t know how. i don’t know how to start where to start when to start, and i refuse to burden my mum further.)

i know tomorrow will be another day. i probably won’t feel this way for a week, a month, a year. but i know that i will. like a bad stomach after an awful curry, this feeling will again overwhelm me. i want to stop feeling this way i just want my brain my body myself to metamorph into a functioning human being. i want my brain to stop. 

i want i want i want i want

my mental health is like an unexploded bombshell, and the rest of me is the unwilling city waiting for it to go off.

… i actually sobbed while writing this. fuck  

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

[mariska]

hello tumblr friends who live in my phone i just wanted to pop in real quick and let everyone know that I Am (somehow) Still Alive since i mentioned being very sick last month and did not want anyone 2 think i had finally Expired. wish i could say i'm doing better this month but while im definitely nowhere near as miserable as i was in April, i've been spending this month trying to deal with Sickness Aftershocks that have been making all of my long term autoimmune diseases/health issues in general flare up randomly really bad at pretty much completely random times and i also have a whole new fun set of similar feeling but definitely different and 100x worse physical health problems and its been extremely difficult to try and power through all of it like i'm used to doing for the 26 years i have been alive 😔 but i'm still hangin in there. idk how at this point lmao. subconscious fight or flight survival mode i guess. i'm like 99% sure i somehow caught one of the new covid mutations in April unfortunately despite the lifelong Agoraphobia and 3+ years of effort i've done to do literally everything in my ability to stay protected against it but. thats life i guess, u leave the house one or two times masked up hand sanitizer ready to go sweating from being overheated wearing clothes that cover as much of ur skin as u can stand and other people just Dont. so. i knew it would probably happen to me eventually i just was really hoping it would not! but. i will continue surviving as best i can because i dont have any other option or choice. but that is why i've unintentionally been distant here and online in general. it was already extremely difficult getting myself out of bed and taling showers and changing clothes and brushing my teeth and remembering to eat food and drink water before but now its reached a difficulty that i literally can't have any control over most of the time and its a lot of physical/mental/emotional effort to even tap reblog on a post online or respond to a text more so than it was previously. which again was already. very difficult to power through.

anyways! uh! yeah. life update i guess. i hope you guys are genuinely doing much better than i am this year and i hope you're all able to stay safe and as relatively healthy as you can. and please please please please at the very least wear some form of a face mask in public even if you're outside and not in a tiny building. i dont say that to shame anyone here i just feel like there are a lot of well meaning good people who arent fully aware that in the US at least the pandemic is very much not over and people like myself are suffering and dying because of that and we cant be the only group of people that are still doing our best to stay protected when we have to leave the house. if you're able to get some i highly recommend N95 type face masks because supposedly they offer one of the best chances of protection as long as you're wearing it correctly and it fits your face well; there's a really great non-profit organization called Project N95 that has an official website and a huge list of various face masks in a bunch of different sizes and types to order if you don't know where to find some high quality ones and they also have a form you can fill out and submit to request an order of free masks if you can't afford to buy them; their money donation pool goes towards providing masks (and some air purifiers i think?) to low income people/organizations/work places that doesn't have the funds or resources to constantly buy expensive batches of masks and their website is super detailed and well organized and has a long list of visual and written resources and information about different mask types, ways you can help keep yourself/your community safe, etc. so i highly recommend them if you are like me and are very stressed and anxious and confused about all of that information all the time. their site should be the at the top of the search results if you google N95 Project, it has a dot org site url so thats another way you can tell its the official site.

[kamil-a]

 just for fun lets do this: a few games i played in 2022 that i have a like steam library record of or something. bc my memory is bad. i’m 100% sure i played more games than this. Oh i found this in my drafts, forgot to edit and post, sure here you all go!

-hnkna - this is obvious.

-umineko ep8 - im still rereading this. ow.

-disco elysium - i’ll keep trying from time to time and one day it’ll click with me. 

-bfd secret weapons dlc - i played part of this! i think it adds some really big improvements to the original game! ill let you know what i think of the new characters’ arcs later.

-needy streamer overload - indulgently edgycute. maybe a little too flippant about things to really seem like the sincere “social media hurts your mental health” game it wants you to believe? i would love to watch a 6 hour documentary on the translation and localization of this game. also the text is very small and game me a huge headache jmfvhnfchnfvhj

-huniepop - surprised me by the gameplay being fun and the music being chill, also surprised me by the game being like really really racist (YIKES). incredible to play as a girl MC because it changes nothing except pronouns (sometimes when it forgets you get some he/she lesbian swag), and so you come off as like, a horny guy who is a girl. the sex minigame is the only minigame where time limits matter and it makes it so that you cant even spare a second to look at the naked anime sprite, in some very funny irony. some of the voice acting is REALLY fun. 

-stanley parable DLC - just the two of us. :) when i told my friend i was playing this game she said “you really like stories about obsessive relationships, don’t you?”. well i do. i think the dlc is less of a parable and metaphor about work, free will, monotony, etc and more of a story about the relationships between the characters. i cant quite tell if i think its sillier because i’ve changed or the game’s tone’s changed.... anyway i love narrator’s cottagecore aesthetic

-return of the obra dinn -im in middle of this with a friend! i couldnt get through it alone but together its GREAT. scary scary scary game. aaaaaaaa

-psycholonials - i honestly can’t say whether i think this is “good” or not and i think id be eaten alive if i tried to pass judgement. i think it’s compelling. i immediately replayed it after finishing it. really really really enjoyable game. 

-ladykiller in a bind - i couldn’t get past the ‘telling ur brother about ur sex life’ gimmick i genuinely had to return it. i admitted defeat i literally couldnt put myself thru more. sorry if it was actually good later or smethng

-kiss off demo - idr it but steam says i played it. probbly i had fun!

-

[metal-caregiver]

Any advice on how to look after system regressers

Our host regresses quite a lot, and me being co-host I'm the one who looks after them the most. I don't mind this, but I can't really do it "properly". Yknow the being in the same body part, I cant touch them or anything. The most I can do is get things they like and watch them to see if they're okay. Sometimes we talk over text or writing, but most of the time they're just to young to do that. Our host will not/refuse to leave front, so I can't look after them outside of front either.

Any advice on how to help them more and actually like connect with them?

I have this same problem !! Im also part of a system (and have had 2 alters respond to this. One a caregiver, one a non-caregiver) for their input on how they handle fronting with a little alter.  If any of us feels that he's starting to front we try to make things a bit “nicer” for him. Like cleaning our room, getting out his favorite toys or putting on his favorite show. And when I'm fronting with him I do the same as any caregiver would. Ill put on our weighted blanket or pet our hand, sometimes hold it if i'm free when he's nervous. Ill talk to us out loud or “inside my head”,,small things like “dont forget to put on a clean shirt for school,,you did a great job (name), (mom) would be proud”,,,Its easy when we’re co-fronting to sort of “take over” for a bit to do things he cant like cooking, crowds, etc. For the most part my brother can do anything on his own. I’ve taught him to drive and he fills out our tax reports. If he wants to boil water on the stove to make pasta who am I to tell him no? Sometimes he has accidents and a harder time forming words, he gets overwhelmed very easily and is prone to “melt downs” (we’re autistic and I avoid using tantrum with him because its most often than not a mental health thing than him being a brat) - Alek  He's usually only a brat when he wants something we wont let him have. But its not like he wants toys, or candy or a 1am bedtime. He wants to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre marathons. anywho- the rest of us really just make sure he doesnt accidentally run us off a cliff. The only times the rest of us really coddle him is when he has accidents. All of us have incontinence issues cause of our autism but he really struggles the most. Its a mix of his young age and just us having really bad body ques. Thats when the rest of us bust out the “lets get you cleaned up” and “good boy (name), I know you feel messy but theres nothing wrong”. All of us kinda do that to each other in a way when that happens. We always try to reassure each other that its something we cant really control and its just part of our disabilities - Corey long story short,,, - You can do anything a regular caregiver can! You just need to get a bit created. - Try to work a bit on communication and ways of doing it (talking out loud, AAC, communication cards, internal communication).  - Have things on hand that they feel safe with. A favorite stuffie, favorite show, coloring activity, outfit, smell, food, etc - Reassure them and make sure they’re safe even if you aren't talking. 

[darkcrowprincess]

Controversial opinion:

Im not going to boycott disney because it's the only form of entertainment my family can mainly afford right now. Whether its walking around free at the parks like Disney springs, or using Disney plus because its part of the package(plus my mom controls that and I cant really control my mom to do anything). Disney has always been messed up and controversial. This is not a new thing. And it's kind of hard to escape Disney when you live in Florida. I do not blame the artistic creators, music writers, regular everyday people trying to work at Disney. Artists do not have a lot of options for work if they want to work in the business. Heck regular people just trying to earn a living can not control big corporate businesses when those are the only job offers they have. The people I blame? The big money maker business men controlling everything. Those are the people I blame. I have very little power. Very little. The only power I have is voting and rebloging stuff that's important, and trying to do small acts of kindness whenever I can. So is Disney as a whole bad and we should all boycott? It's complicated. That's my opinion about it. Everything about all of this is complicated and unfair. Especially to the people who are fucking dying over bits of land and money. All this is doing is creating more hate and hardship for people especially for civilians trying to live their lives. Me personally, emotionally I'm trying to get through the fucking day and not off myself in my dark moments. So I will continue to do the best that I can do. Is it enough? Probably not and I already hate myself for it. But I have to keep trying. But at the end of the day my family comes first. My mental health comes first. I know it makes me sound selfish, but I will not let anything happen to my family no matter what. If that gets me hate. Fine. I'm use to it.

(Don't like don't read. Post hate and I'll block you!)