#WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY

[phagodyke]

venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍

haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(

[juscallmemise]

Mental Health Matters (shirt by Hamp)

Letter to my younger self

Hey little black girl..Naw scratch that..Hey little black Queen because thats what you are even if you don’t know it yet. Its so much i want to say to you we’ve been through soooo much nd what i wouldn’t give to know what i know now looking back at myself. One thing i want to help you understand is that you are enough no matter what people say. I know mommy always told us that words can’t hurt us but the trust is they may not hurt the outside but they do a bang up job on the heart nd thats ok we get through it. If you ask me its the silences nd the numbness that hurts worse, see with words they may hurt your feelings nd sometimes tear your heart but you can heal a broken heart its the silences you cant make since of. I know your young nd theres a lot you dont understand well let me tell you even when you make it to be my age there will still be things that will put your brain in knots, just know baby girl you are your own worst enemy. Don’t get trapped so far in your feelings that you drown cause i’ve made so many mistakes that could have cost us our life. Its gets dark in my thoughts nd sometimes tears nd words dont get it all out nd i felt i couldnt talk any more because i didnt think anyone would understand nd the first time it felt so good it warmed the places that were the coldest nd after i always felt like all the pain was out. It all started with a dark room and pair of scissors that cut through my jeans i never meant to hurt us, i just needed to feel something that would end the numb feeling i was feeling at the time. No one ever noticed the scars until one of your boyfriends felt them in the middle of the night while you were sleeping nd asked you the next morning believing that they were marks left there by another man. After a couple more times of cutting ourself we started writing nd keeping a dump Journal where we say whatever it is we felt throughout the day. The days seemed to get better but the nights still felt ice cold nd you would lay in a bed with a man that you couldnt even look at because in his mind you weren’t nothing but a women that would take whatever it was he throw your way nd the truth is you did you let him think you were weak nd that you couldnt live without him but he must have forgot that i am a child of God nd a very strong believer that whatever God puts you in he can take you out of...pain don’t last forever baby girl nd we are safely working on ourself.

Sincerely,

This is Mise

Support my little cousin and raise awareness for mental health https://forms.gle/X1brXuiSL8S4eYcM7

[quailxcrossing]

CHARACTER DYNAMIC ASK GAME YES!!! You have so many amazing duos….

Machwell and Bartenn (I’m predictable) 5, 3 and 16!!

Magic and Ruse - 1, 6 and 8!

Ruse and Esperanza - 13, 15 and 7!

Runo and Peony - 2, 4, 9!

aaand Spiro and Tai - 2 and 11!

BWBWBWB i want to talk about dynamics so much and you selected like. all of my favorites

thank you for being one of the biggest machwell and bartenn fans ever . i will write a lot about them, just 4 you

MACHWELL AND BARTENN

5. A has to get B a gift. right now. what would they get? how long would they spend thinking about it? Machwell's POV oh god i can't even express how bad Machwell is at gifts. when the pressure is on, he truly forgets most anything that person ever liked- and his ability he feels like to fulfill this task is shot down to 0. can you imagine Francine being good with gifts? yeah. Machwell would work himself in a stupidly long tizzy, so stressed out to pick something that's not only perfect, but something that Bartenn will receive well, and he overthinks and replays fake scenarios of every possible reaction Bartenn could have-

-without actually getting him anything. and the longer this goes on, the worse he feels, the harder it is to think of anything-

gifts from Machwell will come in due time. they're heartfelt by the nature they came from him, and usually in the form of perishables. that's great! that's exactly what Bartenn wants!!!! it's hard to give gifts in Nhales anyway- and he's always so overjoyed when Machwell brings over some drinks or gummies or bbq bacon pizza, and there's always room for him to enjoy it too!! cmon sit down!!

3. what's something A thinks in their head about B that they would NEVER tell them out loud? alternately, what's something they want to say to them but haven't/can't, and why not? Bartenn's POV Bartenn definitely struggles with articulating how much Machwell really means to him; yeah they're close, but they're also middle-aged men who aren't doing Therapy-Speak at each other. its impossible for either of them to say "hey, you know you're my friend, right, and i care about you immensely and i'm sad when you're not around and you keep me on this planet"??? i dont even think he can think thoughts like that. how could he possibly say that....

16. free space: what's your favorite thing about their dynamic, as a fan or as a writer? smiles :) i just like them......I like how a character (Machwell) who originally started as literally "well he's Goat's absent father, who he would have never had any chance to meet, so he pretty much exists to make him warm-colors" and then Bartenn was a character I, like....got in a custody battle with my ex-girlfriend?? not really sure how it happened, honestly. but she gave him to me! and i was, like....not in a good headspace, so Bartenn got set aside for almost a year

and then they looked at each other....and Bartenn tried to give Machwell weed-paranoia. and ruffled his hair and told him to get his head outta his ass and chill the fuck out and come drink expired apple juice with him.

i did not mean for their relationship to be that serious. i did not mean for either character to be that serious!!!! the way these two have wormed my way into my heart is so fascinating... they literally are getting straight-man married. they keep track of each other's mental health and make sure the other one is eating and showering and sleeping. they get knocked outta their zourds and lay completely still for hours together. machwell starts to feel safe enough to go places with bartenn, and then safe enough to go places by himself. and bartenn has a companion again, someone would could never replace his late wife Lindsey, but Machwell doesn't need to- he makes Bartenn laugh, and gives Bartenn the reason to make jokes again.

i think they're a very good testament of how scarily sentient characters get to me! i really care about both of their journeys and how they found each other and are just,,,friends. just good, genuine friends, and i could roll around forever and think about how these two fucked up little men became friends and helped each other get out of their spirals just by being a buddy :]

MAGIC AND RUSE

YAY!!!! I LOVE GIRLS!!!!!

1. what were A's first impressions of B? were they mostly correct or have they changed? Magic's POV This is such a fun question to answer after just drawing their first meeting out, finally!! i've had that scene in my head for years....Magic's first impressions of Ruse were, oh geez well my head just got chopped off, but really Magic is quite used to that (her limbs are quite detachable! it doesn't hurt, she swears) and she was mostly concerned if Ruse was okay after fainting. She felt bad for startling her!! clearly, this girl was living on a hair-trigger...Magic wanted to make sure Magic herself wasn't too scary, though. She did feel a little self-conscious about causing such a fuss....

her POV has certainly changed- she knows now why Ruse was so scared, but they're definitely over that now. the story of their first meeting is a funny story Magic likes to tell while Ruse hides her face in (normal levels of) embarrassment. Magic knows Ruse is a big softie and gentle giant, who doesn't ever want to hurt anyone ever. She just wants to eat chicken wraps and go shopping and sing badly to her favorite songs as she sits pretty in Magic's passenger seat.

6. what does A think B thinks of them? or, if asked to describe their relationship, how would they do it? are they right? Ruse's POV

Ruse would hum and haw....emotions and perceptions are not her strong suit. but she'd shyly say that Magic really likes her. before their relationship is confirmed, Ruse is generally confused about Magic's feelings, but she can pick up on the fact that Magic always sticks up for her and takes her fun places and always jumps for a chance to hang out. they can spend a long time doing nothing together- their hangouts can easily span 9, 10, 11 hours, much longer than either of their social batteries. they spend their time recharging together, doing errands together....Ruse doesn't know how to explain things on the terms of internal feelings. she loves spending time with Magic, and she's pretty sure Magic does too.....right? she's right!!

8. is there anything they really disagree on? what are they most likely to argue about?

The most major thing these two disagree on is their variation in threshold, basically. they're both autistic/have a range of mental illnesses, from Magic's extreme sensory differences to Ruse's C-PTSD. And sometimes, things overlap and they clash. Ruse is very sensory-seeking, while Magic is not. Magic needs a lot of quiet time with minimal noises, and Ruse loves loud music and big crowds. Magic can handle going out for an hour or two, while Ruse wants to be at events from start to finish. sometimes they miss what the other wants, and they both get frustrated. Especially since both of them lack a lot of understanding in emotion/ conveying how they actually feel.

they're trying to find the perfect happy medium! Ruse learns to understand that Magic doesn't want to go to every loud party that she does- and Magic understands that Ruse can't stay at home parallel-playing all day. Magic likes to go to events for limited hours, and with aids like her headphones and sensory happy objects, and Ruse will happily wait for her. And if Ruse needs a day of distraction or loudness to block out the cluster of teeming slush in her brain, they'll cafe-hop or take part in outdoor activities. they do their best to make it work !

sometimes it doesn't always work out, and they are just truly incompatible in a way that neither of them will be happy. sometimes you just really wanna spend time with your bestgirlfriend, but she wants to do something that you Cannot Do- sure, they get ticked off. but they ultimately care about the happiness of the other, while preserving themselves.

and then youre gonna hit with Ruse and ESPERANZA. geezus...../posi thank you thank you thank you for bringing them up. they fuel me. they mean everything 2 me

RUSE AND ESPERANZA

13. if A needed help, how likely would they be to ask B for it? Ruse's POV ah! she would! not! Ruse is so terrible for asking for help, especially in her current situation. This Ruse we're talking about is not healing, chicken wrap eating Ruse, this is Ruse in the middle of an active coup. She firmly believes she is in this situation because she signed up for it. She does share her grievances with Esperanza, but that is different in her mind than asking for help. And even when Esperanza offers help, unrelated- she cannot take it.

15. what's A's absolute favorite (or least favorite) thing about B? Esperanza's POV

Esperanza's favorite thing about Ruse is her humor! And yes...Ruse is not TRYING to be funny, but Esperanza just loves how dry she is, how funny she is without trying...how earnest and genuine Ruse is, without needing to put on a face. Esperanza really admires that.

for what Esperanza dislikes the most, probably when Ruse's dryness turns to stubbornness, and then cost-sunk fallacy pride. She wishes she could knock Ruse outta her brain sometimes- she knows she can't.

7. are there any habits, mannerisms, practices etc. A does because of B? anything they do because they saw B doing it, or got advice from them about it, or something rubbed off on them? Esperanza's POV

Yes.....yes. quite a few. Esperanza is only just recently living in a physical body again (long story) and for a while, the only person she knew before she regained her memories was Ruse. Esperanza picked up lots of her little quirks to relearn how to exist.

One of the major ones is playing with her tail, Esperanza has never had a tail before, but she's seen how Ruse used it with her body language! So Esperanza tries her best to mirror those mannerisms. she wants to feel comfortable in her new shape and have others feel comfortable around her!

RUNO AND PEONY !!!! MY PARENTS

2. if asked to describe B to a stranger, what would A say? are they mostly truthful, or is there anything they omit? Runo's POV

I think he'd try to keep it on the lowdown best he can but he's such a wifeguy. he's weepy sobby over his wife and keeps hyping her up, did you know she's trying to publish a book she's so talented and such a good writer and so intelligent and eloquent and .....!!! i'm pretending he's not deathly shy in this situations, but honestly if Peony was brought up, he'd be gushing all about her.......man who loves a woman. augh

how does A refer to B (first name/last name/pet name/title/etc) in their head, to them directly, and to others? are they different? why? Peony's POV

This is a pretty simple answer, but to herself and to Runo, she calls him...Runo. To their kids, it's Dad. To strangers, she uses Brunowe, at Runo's request. To friends, it's whatever name they know him by (usually Runo) that's it! I mean she's got pet names but she doesn't throw those around too often, nor does she think in them!

she knows Runo is most comfy with Runo, but he's also really embarrassed to give people his nickname, hence the "this is my husband, Brunowe!" and if he ends up giving that person his nickname, that's his choice!

9. what do outsiders think their relationship is? do they consciously or unconsciously act different around others?

also kinda simple, but to others they're mostly like...aww a normal married couple. aw look, its Sunny/Indigo's parents. They just seem sweet, quiet, and in love. which they are usually anyway!

SPIRO AND TAI UAUUUGUUGUHGHHGHGHHH!!!!!!!!! CMON FISH!!!!!! I LOVE THESE GUYS........... NO ONE UNDERSTANDS /LH

2. if asked to describe B to a stranger, what would A say? are they mostly truthful, or is there anything they omit? Spiro's POV augh he's a husbandguy too. he'd be saying some real embarrassing shit he knows Tai would turn into a tomato to hear, and because it's Spiro, i can't guarantee it's PG. but yeah he's bringing up the opioid story. he's making dramatic hand motions. he's pulling out all the sickly sweet nicknames he knows Tai hates.

11. what's something A knows about B that most people don't? alternately, what's something most people believe about B that A doesn't? Tai's POV well....take everything I just said about Spiro's mannerisms above. most people see him as this really confident, semi-famous guy who is known for being very quick socially but also really weird.

what most people don't know (basically the only people being Tai, their daughter, and Star) is that Spiro is still handling a lot of things really poorly. he has bad coping mechanisms and he's scared shitless to leave his house alone, even for simple things like getting the mail. he's tethered to his house and even going in public with a safe person is too overwhelming, and Spiro tries to keep things light with a smile despite how terrified he is. ALL. THE. TIME.

everyone thinks he's completely over The Incident; this couldn't be further from the truth. i don't think there's an expiration date on trauma, but you know how Society is :(

only Tai is really deeply privy to how deep this goes, and he wouldn't share it with a soul unless Spiro was seriously in danger.

yay!

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

[quodekash]

i went to bed instead of watching abaab and i woke up and im ✨sick✨

its not the plague but i have a sore throat and im really congested and i feel like a dump truck ran over me and poured all the bin juices in my brain, but its fine cos im here, im queer, and threezo are near

CONTENT WARNING: if youve seen this episode, youll be aware that there will be discussions of rape, sexual assault, and pedophilia. if any of these topics are triggering for you, please take the measures you require to stay safe, and please call emergency services if you require help, and talk to someone you trust. remember: you are not alone, and there will always be people who love and care for you, but you havent yet met some of them. stay safe everyone, i love you

i cannot for the life of me remember how the last episode ended so its lucky that they have little summaries at the starts of episodes cos otherwise id have no clue whats going on

OH YEAH THOOP WAS ARRESTED

hang on, dont they still need to go to work?

i cant remember what day it is and what they were doing before cher got that phone call but still

dang it ive already had a cup of tea today but i think i need another one

THREEZO HELLO (ft jack's luscious hair on the side there)

THREEZO ARE SO SWEET WHY ARE YOUR FACES LIKE THAT JACK AND TUB

okay, yeah, fair

HE IS HAPPY

HIS HAIR IS FLUFFY AND HE IS HAPPY

GREHJKDFGKJRB

aww

AWWWHHHH

awhh thoop is cryinggg

bro is in desperate need of a hug

IM GONNA CRYYYY

i love deep platonic bonds

especially when its found family

fnjgbhfbvhfb

**gasp** despicable!

HELLO THREEZOOOOO

hes so prettyyyy

and hes also so prettyyyyyy

GJKRTBNFDHKJRG I LOVE THEM

am i crying? yes.

im crying a lot

i love threezo so much

the grip these two have on my mental health and sanity--

have i rewatched this scene four times? yeah. do i now kinda just wanna curl into a ball and sob for a day or two? yeah. unfortunately i have to keep watching the episode

okay so its literally like six hours later now, ive tried having two naps, ive had three cups of tea today, as much medicine as i can have, and the sickness has done nothing but get worse which is just so fun but the only reason i wasnt watching abaab is bc i was trying to sleep and that's just not happening so im continuing the episode now

the commentary is gonna be very little tho btw bc im having trouble making coherent thoughts through all the conjestion clogging my brain

the way they smile at each other is so 🥺🥹

im TRYING--

sorry, last week i couldnt stop talking about the freaking pomegranate i was eating, today i cant stop talking about how sick i am, ill try and shut up about it and just watch the episode lol

SCREW THAT GUY

VAFFANCULO

I HATE HIM

I HATE HIM SO MUCH

idk much about the mother

BUT THE STEPFATHER CAN GO SHOVE A PIGNA UP HIS CULO

look, i hate cops and law enforcement

but i even more hate thoop's stepfather

and law enforcement, unfortunately, have a lot of power, but thats fortunate in this situation bc they can force him to shut up which is nice

oh, wouldya look at that. i was right.

im not happy about it. its freaking horrible. and its even worse that it happens every day in every single country and state and city and suburb and yet nothing is being done about it.

um. yeah. thats all i can think of to say.

SHE HAD TO PUT UP WITH IT FOR THREE YEARS???

holy hell thats freaking disgusting

i hate this so much. not that they included this in the show, im really glad they included it because it's freaking disgusting and not talked about enough, especially in mainstream media and stuff. i just freaking hate that rape exists and people have to put up with it every single freaking day of their freaking lives, and NOTHING is happening to fix this freaking disgusting issue

this episode is a lot heavier than i was expecting and idk if anything im saying makes any sense because im too sick for this and the things that happened are making me even more sick

HUZZAH, I WAS RIGHT

AND THIS TIME ITS A GOOD FEELING THAT IM RIGHT

HES NOT HOMOPHOBIC

HUZZAH, HUZZAH, PRAISE OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR JACK'S ALMIGHTY FLUFFY BEAUTIFUL HAIR

sobbing, i cant do this, theyre too sweet

AH SHOOT, I JUST REALISED IVE BARELY DRANK ANY WATER TODAY

as per usual, your hair is on fleek today, my friend

he's angry at laem, but his hair is perfection

the perfect way to get someone to shut up: shove food in their mouth as fast as possible (im using this at some point) (also how the hell is his hair so pretty i love his hair too much. i think i always spend more time talking about jack's hair than i do talking about the actual episode)

gun's mother has such a sweet sounding voice but her words sting like poison, jeez

OH HELL YES ITS THIS PART

IVE SEEN SCREENSHOTS

side note: look at three and zo's knees pressed together gjfngjbhfgbh

HEYYY GUYS

ITS SO FUNNY

WHAT ARE THEY DOING WATCHING SIMM

wait so. bad buddy exists as a series inside the msp universe. simm exists as a series inside the abaab universe. what's next??

the frame changed suddenly, kluen was looking down slightly earlier and now he's looking right in nuea's eyes (yes i had to include jack's hair in the screenshot, so what?)

side note: i love all of jack's ear piercings (and his hair) so much

(ive now used all my 30 photos for this post so you just have to deal with that. on the bright side, the final photo was of jack's beautiful face and beautiful earrings and beautiful HAIR)

i love this friend group so much, theyre all just sitting in a circle in their gaming chairs supporting cher as much as possible in their own little ways and its so sweet and so happy and gfbhbrhgb

ignore your bfs phone calls only to show up at his house with food

AWWW, THE WAY HE JUST PULLS HIM INTO A WORRIED HUG AS SOON AS HIS HANDS ARE EMPTY- I LOVE THEMMMM

"promise me no matter what happens, we will fight it together" RGHBKRDFHGKRBDFHB

AWWWW TEHY KISSSSS

"(talking to himself) if your mum knows about this, she will hit you to death, cher" "know about what?" "she gave me only one heart and i gave it all to you" "youre as cheesy as i am" IM DYING WHAT THE HELL THEYRE SO SWEET

BRO CHILL

CALM DOWN

I DONT NEED TO SEE THIS

I MEAN LIKE GOOD FOR THEM

BUT WHY DO WE NEED SUCH A LONG SHOT OF GUN'S BARE ABS

theyre so soft with each other what the hell

"i just want to hear it from your mouth-" AND CHER CUTS HIM OFF WITH THE SOFTEST KISS EVER??? (well, not ever. no one can ever kiss as softly or lovingly as freaking akk, but that's neither here nor there) THAT ONE TINY MOMENT IS GONNA PLAY IN MY HEAD FOR AGES NOW OMG

keep the pants on please guys

oh thank goodness they finished the episode before it got to that, i appreciate that

anyway THAT WAS SO SWEET GBFHGBFHBHG

im desperately hoping that next episode will be mostly fluffy happiness bc i cant take much more of this seriousness, especially not if my sickness persists (which i really hope it doesnt, id love to be functioning this week)

um yeah. that was that. i hope you enjoyed that? sorry for all my ramblings about being sick, i just really hate being sick.

once again, i hope youre all safe and healthy, if you're not, i hope you can find a safe space and people you trust, please contact someone who can help you if you need it. i love you all, have a great week :]

[unwittinglythinking]

adhd & mdd

in 2018 my doctor diagnosed me for having minor depression. i took it lightly and i know i couldn’t sleep because i keep on seeing things in my nightmare. i took  sleeping tablets but did not take any ssri’s bc the doctor doesn’t allow me. only sleeping tablets so that i can sleep. i remember back in 2018 i took sleeping tablets almost everyday and yet i still was getting really bad sleeping quality. idk how to cure from that.

in 2019, it got worse. doctor diagnosed that i have mdd. jpa did not believe in me and keep questioning why would i be getting such mental health issue and that i should keep my heads up, read quran and go pray to God bc they said it helps. i’ve been seeking help and praying to god since day 1 my parents taught me to. i dont know, what went wrong. am i that bad, that jpa thought of me that way?

2020 2021 covid, it still the same mdd, not getting enough sleep everyday, trying to make myself happy but felt so empty. ppl questioning why am i not happy when they’re there by my side. i wish i have an answer for that, why am i not happy when everyone else is around? why am i feeling empty when i shouldn’t be feeling empty? why is my body and mind telling me to talk to my own inner mdd? i don’t know. what’s going on, i dont even know.

2022, warded over a month, diagnosed mdd + adhd, taking 15mg ssri’s (max amount of ssri a woman with my age are allowed to take). swallowed that big ass amount of escitalopram, going on therapy, consulting with the doctors and therapist, hoping that my life will be better. i remember asking my doctor,

“doctor, can i be free from mdd one day? can i cure from mdd, doctor?”

i still rmber vividly my doctor’s face changed and he said, “i hope one day it will go away. i believe that you can, but it definitely depends on the person. sometimes it takes 2-3  years, for some other it might take 10-15 years. some might take even more time.”

i remember, i cried. bc it felt like i had no hopes. 

and i just wanna run away from life, from the people that talk shit and abused me, from the people who didn’t give love and attention to me, i just wanna sit somewhere all alone in silent.

but now 2023, im feeling slowly healing. found my soulmate who is the most understanding of all. although sometimes im scared when he asks me “why are you feeling empty, do i not fill your void?”, im scared to answer that. i dont know babe, of course you do fill my void, but with my adhd and mdd right here, what made my void heart today is just bc i am still sick. your support, darling, has been carrying me around, happy and learn to willingly live longer because i just wanna be with you my whole life. you excites me, sweetheart. i love u so much. you ask me that only one time, and i remember whenever i told u im feeling empty, all u said now is “im here” and babe, that calms the shit out of me i love you so much for that.

for being my backbone, my biggest support and cheerleader, my husband you deserves only the best. for treating me like a human, like a woman i am. i love you and im so grateful for u. thank you. 

you are a medicine to me and you bring wellness to my life, sweetheart<3

[sourgreentea]

god okay i’m so embarrassed about this and it clearly won’t go away till i talk about it also hi it’s been a while 😭.

Okay so a few days before school break i had class with this teacher that is really strict and at the time she was handing the assignment that we did graded and everything only thing is i hadn’t done it because i procrastinated and i had an exam the night i was supposed to do her annoying assignments that takes HOURS AND HOURS TO DO.

i won’t lie on here i didn’t do any of them. the pressure of thinking that i had to do both and do them perfectly was all i could think about all night that i didn’t even get to sleep so i couldn’t get started on any of them. and that of course came with consequences i failed my exam and i was honestly so disappointed because it honestly looked worse and complicated when i imagined it than it did when i saw it. it would’ve been so easy to do if i had revised a bit. and that same day the teacher sent a big PARAGRAPH to my dad complaining how i hadn’t handed my assignment and she expected an apology and a reason (yes all french teachers are like this) (acting like i have done this multiple times but this was infact my first time and i always hand them on time.)

anyway back to the situation at hand when she was done handing the graded assignments apparently the embarrassingly long messages she sent to our parents wasn’t enough so she HAD to call out everyone that hadn’t handed their assignments BY NAME and harass them i wasn’t listening to what she said to the other ones because i was already shitting myself, i knew she would do the same for me but basically she was scolding them for it. i was holding on to dear life because there was only 2 kids that she was scolding and those 2 kids DID do the work.. one just handed it late and the other was accused to have done it with chat gpt i thought she would lose her shit on that kid and leave me alone a bit but that kid was able to find an excuse and say that their ‘older sibling’ helped them do it (complete bs and she knew so but didn’t say anything). when she looked at me i knew i was done for cause why in the hell is she smiling 😭😭😭

she went on to say “you on the other havent handed the work at ALL” what the fuck am i supposed to say to that.. i didn’t know where this came from but i told her “Actually i told my dad to not reply to your message because i DID give you the assignment.” (clearly my gaslighting skills need some work) (and i shouldn’t have said that cause that’s when she really started to get pissy) “do you seriously think that that kind of excuse will fly? what are you? a kid?” woman leave me alone 😭

it was a back and forth of me trying to convince her that i did give her then i actually just shut my mouth cause clearly she wouldn’t like whatever i had to say. she went on and on till near the end she (very much on purpose) screamed this part for everyone to hear and said something along the lines of how i am lazy and clearly that everyone in this class will pass but i will fail and find myself back in this class next year. and the cherry on top she talked about my grades to the whole class and how it was shit.

like what the fuck? that actually fucking pissed me the fuck off i wish i could portray the exact way she said it to just make you understand how fucked up this is?? i don’t even know this woman and i have never talked to her and i have ALWAYS handed my shit on time and most of the time i get good grades in her class its true i have let myself go in some classes a bit nowadays with my mental health and all but not one teacher has complained how i’m a bad student because they know even if i get bad grades and things i have understood the subject i am just having troubles finding the right words for certain stuff. i hate people assume things on me like i dont already have enough of that with my whole class (whole reason i have 0 friends) if the teachers start doing it too i dont know atp.

she doesnt fucking know me and it’s fucked up that she thinks she does just because she was able to see a few grades. i have put A LOT of restless night and fucking tears into my shit and for her to accuse me that i don’t give a single fuck about it just drove me to my limit honestly i didn’t listen for the rest of the class because i was pissed about this whole situation nothing angers me the most than being accused of not caring or not having put enough effort into something when i am sacrificing every living energy i have,sleep and my mental health for it.

so i thought instead of going my merry way i decided to repeat the main parts of my opinion on this so i could tell her upfront later (but in a more nice way)

little did i know my brain thought it would be a perfect idea to decide wether we should cry or scream at her the moment we are about to talk to her. i’m guessing it couldn’t pick because i did half of both. my voice was trembling like at any moment i would get out the fireworks but my eyebrows were frowing. i had to excuse myself a lot of times to stop it but of course it just wouldn’t!! so i was there trying to explain why i think what she did was wrong and how i did hand my paper but maybe she might’ve lost it like a five year old kid that is trying to explain how he bruised his knee to his mom. i had completely forgotten the script i had in my head and i think at some point i started inventing some words. after that i dont if its to get rid of me or because she pitied me but she said that she’ll try and find the paper and i had to thank her awkwardly and get the hell out of there. i honestly don’t think i can see her in the face next time and i know for a fact since she’s a heartless bitch she’ll use this against me and tell the whole class the next time i do a mistake.

(so now about the paper i’m wondering should i do it and say that i found a draft and that i was able to copy from it or do i just leave it and hope she won’t talk about it anymore..)

[404theepilogue]

Im not sure really what to do or say but i want to just verbalise it and ask for help.

Im very scared right now. My physical health has never been worse, my mental health is dangerously unstable, and my work situation is bleak.

I told you that i missed work on monday, well it’s because i had slept in (or rather, passed out from exhaustion) because of the fact while my frequent insomnia and health stuff makes it difficult to sleep, the stress has been so high recently i cannot even fully sleep, like i will be half aware the whole time like im going to be attacked. My anxiety regarding work has mounted to unmanageable levels as every day and night is spent worrying about if im going to be well enough to work and if i will have a mishap like monday.

Work has issued me a first written warning as a code of conduct breach as i missed work on Monday. This understandably is deeply upsetting and disappointing to me, Kay was extremely apologetic but unfortunately its out of her hands as HR deals with the conduct policy, shes really one of the few people i think that actively supports me at work (excluding emma of course). However if another instance of any form of lateness occurs within the next 6 months this will escalate the disciplinary warning.

I spent quite a lot of my shift yesterday in tears because it feels like im a crushing disappointment to not be able to cope with life.

Ive been reflecting a lot recently because of how ill and stressed ive felt constantly and mentally speaking i dont want this anymore i dont want to scrape through while my health degrades further, i want to get better i want to be able to regain control of my life and recover. This is a notable change as you know i usually am a cynical person and will try and look for a way out rather than a solution.

All this to say really that im not sure where to go right now in life, it feels like i am making the choice between healing or pushing on to my detriment.

Of course the problem arises that, we live in a capitalist society and constant money is required to be able to live, im just unsure of how to reach a compromise where im not literally running my life into a situation i cannot get out of. This is not some random laziness i hate that i have to say this at all, i wish i could push on and let you retire and me make the money because you deserve a break more than me, but my body just cannot comply with what im pushing it to do and its shutting down.

I know i need to focus on healing properly, not just run myself into a burnout- take 2 months off work, push through again and rinse repeat, because the last few years have shown that just doesnt work.

Im too tired to fight or even knlw what is best for work, they have accommodated so much and the expectations from them are that i will eventually get back to doing my full role, from the office, with the phone etc. and its going to be pushed by rachel, kay has been pushing back deadlines and things that would ultimately be impossible for me but she can only do so much and who knlws what will happen.

Im so tired of feeling so bad i want to die, im so tired of being constantly in fight or flight no matter what i do. And im so tired of looking at myself in tge mirror and seeing the toll these have taken on me, my skins getting worse and i know it’s exacerbated by stress, because thats what triggered the first really really bad outbreak back when it was on my feet.

Idk, i just needed to say this and let you know about the whole work thing. Im sorry if this sounds like whining, i really dont mean to i just really needed to say what has been going through my mind the past few years

And i still was fired.

[kusundei]

genuinelywhy does the worst shit have to happen to me when im already tweaking

like no i knew. i knew the conversation from yesterday w ellis wasnt enough. knew in my heart yet i ignored jt and chose to be happy. joyous because gof forbid all i know is doom and gloom. its just.? why? whyyyy is this still a problem?

i dont even care. i dont know why i keep bothering over and over again i know ill have to fold eventually im fighting a losing battle. “i need you to be honest with me” and then you lash me and use it against me when you get the honest truth. i. dont. want. to. go. on. birth. control. period

like? how hard is that? to understand? you bring up the shit i said ab the abortion like sorry??? what happened to my body my choice?,??? and god forbid she starts fucking implanting it into me herself because no im still jer kid. live under this roof she will make every decision. its fine i dont care at this point i dont know why im still fighting. i cant take the easy way out anymore its just sofrustrating? i feel fucking awful. again. god forbid i told her the reason i sont wanna go on birth control is mostly a mental health thing and she lashes me about how im not okay then. “everyone is depressed you think you have it any harder than the rest of us?” like did i fucking say that? itolf you i dont take medication anymore (cause of you) and also just because im choosing to deal with it naturally ajd i get lashed for even getting affected by things. like its just. why. did we.? have to talk about that? and you keep patronizing me over and over and over again and how i never do anythging right . god forbid i wish you could focus for once in your life oncthe smaller things because i am. trying. ive always tried. you just dont notice when its at par to your demand and also when i go back. i get lashed

its just heaaarring you complain ab the showering again is so. ugh. like. i told you i dont have an answer. its a habit? i suppose? but noooo. “ive told you this over and over. i dont want to hear the excuse of ‘its a habit’ because if you wanted to change you would’ve already” like are you hearing yourself??? do you want to apply that to yourself? jonathan maybe? but no im kind. theyre taking the door agajn i suppose and i dont fucking care jts fine. she knew i was getting upset because she started mocking me. i hate when people do that. when people act like im sofucking dumb. and she knows it and does it to get under my skin because she knows how easily she can and i wont ever do anythjnf about it. i just .? imso? upset? i guess? im upset but im also not. imjust so.? tired?

tired of fighting overr and over again. tired of this but maybe its what i get??? i am selfish. she has told me this shit over and over and i dont really change. i do but not enough i guess its just. i cant win. im stuck in that cycle and im trying sooo hard to not acknowledge it. but no it really will haunt me i suppose? stuck and bound to this life? bound to repeat the cycle of hurting over and over again??? i think im so weird right now because i feel so torn. i wanna be sad and i want to cry and be frustrated because i feel it but i also dont want to. or at least i cant? ill always give you the benefit of the doubt. maybe i am just frustrating. no because what you said??? “you wonder why im upset all the time? think about how i feel about you” and its just. ugh. i cant even try to back mtself up because i do feel bad. i feel bad but im also upset and i hate it because i feel so dumb to feel anything at all. im trying not to upset you and ive done it for so long i try to be small i try to not take up space i try to be understanding and helpful but it is. never. ever. enough. and mayhe its just me truly not trying

just. god. i cant. if i end up truly on birth control who cares at this point. theres no guarantee ill get worse but at this point i think ab it and maybe i aalllreaddyy am. but maybe thats the lack of sleep doomed evil sam talking. its weird because honestly the one main fear i have w the birth control is weight gain and that says enough does it not.? i cant eat. havent eaten. tried to eat earlier cuz sav was lashing me and i ate that one??? slice of pizza and i felt so sick after and i still do. not eating well. my pants today kept slipping and iiii know why. last time i checked i hit 141 i think and i dont think id be shocked if ive hit the 130s now. its concerning but also maybe im enabling myself a tad. its fine im not ill i just. am acting like it. but im not

iiii. just wanna talk to ajax maybe. reminds me of last night when i was so tired and delirious and just rambling but i sidnt feel bad because that wasnt affecting me in the moment. i dontknow if i can truly just tell him something like this while its happening because i cant shake that awful feeling ? im tryinggg but its hard. theyre taking the door off the hinge as i type and immm just getting more. evil. but i wont cry i wont show it im fine. tweakish but ill live. i do it to myself anyway the only person who can save me is me ^_^ but even thats hard

if its meant to be then it will be chat. if god so chooses to make me this way then maybe jts bound to happen. maybe hes lashing me because ive been evil lately or something. ive been happier but also all my tweaks have been worse than theyve been in a while and amybe thags what jt is. repenting cause im happy too much. hell even my mom acknowledges it all the time when im happy. wont ever stop being patronized. i just feel. doomed. again. i feel bad but i cant explain which way i do. just bad. heavy. evil. but ill liveee i always do. ill try and sleep a little earlier tonight since i know im probably tweaking as bad as i am because of the lack of sleep as always. but imfine ill. lock in a bit and text him maybe. or i wont and ill repent a little more and then get my phone taken away bht ill try to see the light and live. just have everything playing in my head overand over and over. its allll just so much but its fine illcope i alllwaaays do

[rianafying]

you know what the thing is? the thing is that i can feel that i am better, so much better, but not done. i’m not there, i haven’t healed, and i don’t know if there is a destination called healed or if it’s an eternal journey. but i feel terribly lonely and incapable today. but still completely full of hope and patience. because i have had the most wonderful time so far this year and i know that it’s just a matter of time before i feel better again. i just have to rest before my strength returns. it’s been a rough life but i’ve been kind and patient and resilient, and i’ve made it out mostly. i’m in the good times now. the worst is in the past. i could be as happy as anyone else. i could be in love, i’m fulfilling my dreams. i’ll fail and i’ll lose and i’ll get back up. i just need to wait this out. this terrible blip in my good life. it is making me want to overeat to drown out my misery but i’m trying to eat the normal amount. trying to eat well, and to take care of myself. i feel kind of unattractive lately. and i can’t find the energy to do my beautifying ritual. i actually haven’t taken a shower in two days, i don’t think this will turn into a depressive episode but honestly if it does i’ll manage. i’ve been through so much worse. this is my journal and i don’t have to worry about how i look or sound in here because i know my intentions are and have always been good. i just want the best for myself and everyone else. if hyping myself is what i need, that is what i will do. i’m ridiculously hot, i’m driven and im talented and im capable, and im creative, thoughtful, kind, resilient, and i deserve to be happy. i love myself. that’s the only love i really need, my own. and my inner child is upset this week and i will handle her with care. everything is going to be okay, i am safe, i healthy, im trying my best. that is the most anyone can do. i dont need anyone else to understand me. i’m going to be okay. my friends love me, my sister loves me, i am appreciated and missed and i love them. this is my place in the world. i deserve to stay alive and eat and sleep and study and to fail and learn from my mistakes. i’ll take care of my health again and as a bonus, im not starting from square one this time. my room is relatively clean. my finances are good. my fridge is stocked. my rent and bills are paid. it’s going to be okay.

and about not feeling like i’m good enough or capable enough, well nobody is born capable, people learn and i can learn and i can get better. it’s just a matter of learning more and practicing more, and it’s all so much easier when my mental health is better.

i’ve been eating through my telstra data like crazy. but what can a girl do you know. gotta use the internet. anyway, i’m trying to get up and do something. i don’t really want to bed rot. and as useless as it might seem to get dressed and go out, i should still do it, even if it doesn’t make me feel better. my heart is sad, i can physically feel it. can’t let a stranger make me this sad. ever. this is not who we are. we’re cool and fun and strong!!!!! everything will be okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im literally happier than most people i know. and not in an ignorant and oblivious way. i’m happy in a reborn after a thousand painful deaths kind of way. i’ve made my peace with this world kind of way. i have found my place in the family of things kind of way. to love live even when i have no taste for it kind of way. not just despite the misery but because of it.

and besides i can use this sadness to my advantage. really listen to the sad playlists and let the songs hit.

[deaughh]

:/

I feel like I’m at my wit’s end.

I’m trying incredibly hard to “get back into the rhythm” of things. I keep telling myself “i just need to get organized” have a schedule and I’ll be okay. I can’t do it.

I have no work life balance.

I quit my main job at the lab and am close to quitting my other lab position. Even with work out of the way, I feel like I’m being consumed by my schoolwork. (I dont even want to start thinking about how I’m going to make ends meet).

A fucking endless cycle of assignments that wont go away. The canvas notifications are starting to drive me insane. I get paralysis and cannot for the life of me complete simple assignments. And when I do miss them or small points it kills me a little inside since I’m a perfectionist (bullshit, I’m a fucken mess). I’m just tired of my one class because of all busy work and I cannot focus on my other more demanding class (ochem2).

My brain is trying so hard to conserve energy and stop me from what it thinks is a waste of time. I feel so exhausted all the time because of it.

I’m most likely overthinking but I’m just so sleep deprived I can barely function. My GI issues started up again too, woo! So that’s always fun to add to the mix.

I get sick, my stomach cannot hold down food, i eat very little. I have no appetite but i have to eat something. I wake up in the middle of the night with hunger pains and refuse to eat because I want to go back to sleep but can’t because of the pain.

I probably get 4 hours of sleep a night. I’ve been dying to have 6-7. i usually manage 5, if im lucky 6hrs, but it’s never full sleep. I always wake up in the middle.

I’ve stopped smoking to clear my head a bit but it’s not enough. I feel like a fucking nervous chihuahua. I feel like a leaf, shaking and about to fall off a tree. I hate feeling like this. This isnt me.

I hate what all of this does to me. I feel horrible. I dont wash my hair. My eye bags are as big as my eyes. There’s nothing I want more than to heal my body and feel better but I cannot take care of myself. I want to exercise but I have to stay in and do assignments. fml.

I don’t want my mental or physical health to get worse but I really feel like I’m slipping. I’m trying so hard, but it feels like I’m barely doing one thing a day. I feel insane.

But ya. It just feels like an endless cycle of trying to catch up.

My menthal health affects my physical and vice versa. I get mentally ill, i become physically ill as a response and it just makes me feel mentally worse and it spirals. Awesomesauce!

[schizowitchic]

thing my mum is currently mad about: that i am not helping with the housework (ive literally been home all day with a migraine and period cramps so bad i can barely stand, as well as being exhausted bordering on sleep deprived from exams for the past week).

massive vent under the cut that goes super off topic.

tw for fatphobia and mild ableism and mentions of suicidality and poor mental health

like be more mad at my siblings who are not ill and perfectly capable of helping? before he left (hes away for the weekend) my dad was like "make sure to help ur mum this evening since im away so i cant" like hello? im literally ill at the moment. i get that my mum is super stressed and tired as well but like. right now. im literally physically ill. ive had almost ten full blown panic attacks in the past week.

ALSO ive tidied and hoovered my room, i collected wood from the shed in the garden from the fire, and changed all the hand towels over to clean ones so it's not like ive done nothing at all. ive emptied and refilled the dishwasher as well. plus whenever she's said "can you get this for me" ive gotten up to get it for her.

furthermore she hasn't asked us to do specific tasks so like. i have no idea what needs doing. im always available to do stuff if im directly asked (bc it's not like i can refuse without getting complained at all evening) so idk how im meant to telepathically know what house work she wants us to be doing. and even when we do help she always complains that we dont do it in the right way but never tells us what to do just complain about how incompetent we are

like im gonna be honest i just end up feeling less motivated to keep even my own room tidy. and that im constantly never enough for her. bc even when im sure ive done all the things i should. theres always something else i shouldve known how to do, or that bc ive never done it before that somehow erases that ive made process

for example she's always on at me about shaving and washing my face and etc. and like. im mentally ill. it is such a struggle to get up and get clean each day. and i was super proud of the fact that i now manage to clean my face at least once a day every day now. but that's not enough for her is it "you should be washing your face twice a day". and i was like "but surely one is better than the none it was before" and she just gave me a look like i was being ridiculous. and she's always on at me about shaving hair from my legs, getting rid of hair on my face and my back. i never was selfconscious about my appearance until she said i would be bullied for having hair, until she used the words "rolls of fat" to describe my stomach, until she said the slight bulges on the back of a dress were unflattering and would make people bully me, until she said that i needed to lose weight and exercise more. (for context on how ridiculously fatphobic this is. im skinny. i have high metabolism. but that's not enough for her)

the worst part is that she has no idea how harmful this stuff is. she thinks this is how to show she cares. that she's doing it for us. to the point where i feel bad putting this rant out onto the internet where like 5 people will see it. but then. just bc i know she loves me doesnr mean i feel like im loved.

like. im not even allowed to be tired or stressed without her saying how her job is so much worse so she has it so much worse (not like she witnessed my mental breakdown aged 15 not like she's accompanied me to mental health appointments for anxiety). we both had covid at the same time and whenever i was like "damn i feel like shit" well guess who felt like even more shit? and she always says how we get more days off if we're sick and it's like. you control how many sick days you have. plus she'll complain about how she never gets to rest and stuff but like i see her resting???? and also. im expected to still help out if we've gone on a long hike all day (i have severe joint pain) but im meant to be able to continue past that and not let it stop me

also neither her or my dad will say the word autism. it's always "neurodivergent" "neurodiverse" (why i not always a fan of "neurodivergent traits are x") they won't tell my siblings i cant discuss my pending diagnosis with them in front of my siblings like it's some bad thing that needs to be hidden. bro its just autism.

idk my main issue is that she complains about how i sit around on my phone/reading and it's like. well. do you even know how much i have to distract myself to stay alive. but she's really fucking annoying when she's concerned for my wellbeing (like toxic positivity. meditate do yoga solve all your problems type shit). lmao whatever whatever im going to uni this year

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Its so crazy…crazy that I am still alive. I feel like I am worthless, life had no meaning to be alive. I am grateful that I am still alive and breathing but its just something is missing? And I know it is not about love or whatever u call it. I just need affection from my loved ones and thats about it. I cant sleep and I keep thinking about my life. I am still thinking what am I gonna do with my life? How is my future going to be? What about my past? I keep on thinking about my future, past n present, I dont know what is going to happen to me this 2024. Am i going to be okay? Will I land a stable job this 2024? Is life going to be better than other years that I went through? I dont know, I will not know what will happen to me? Last but not least, what will happen to my mom? Is she still alive or ….. i dont want to say. I miss her alot. Sigh, life was much better though i had mild depression before I quit my job. My mental health is affecting me esp my health condition. I havent had proper meal lately… eversince my mom not feeling well. I guess thats normal. Ive been going out alot by myself and sometimes I had my lunch or breakfast alone but I didnt have the appetite to eat… so, i force myself to eat or just leave it there so I can reminiscing my life. I know its a waste of money but thats the only I way i could distract myself. Going out alone makes my mind ease but sometimes not. As usual, reminiscing my life. Life is hard and why do we have to deal with it? Becus thats life! Ha! Is my depression getting worse or getting better? I dont know actually. I honestly cant tell. I have so many things to jot down but It is so hard to describe it in one go. I am currently listening to spotify while doing my journal. I guess journaling helps me.. or not. See? I am very unsure of myself, is my condition getting better? I honestly dont know. Why am I very unsure of myself? Why am I lacking of confidence? Why is my self esteem is so damn low. I am trying best to gain my confidence but it is not working? I am very impatient when it comes to the outcome. I need to fix it now but i just dont know how. Life is difficult and its been bugging me alot. I feel like i lose hope to God. sometimes i feel like it is useless of me to pray 5 times a day? I know i know. I feel like an idiot right now but i am so mad of myself now. I am upset of myself. I dont want to hurt myself but i am hurting myself for not having an appetite like i used to. It makes me sad of myself. The more I age or grow up, the more I become unhealthy of myself. I do exercise but it helps me to forget my sadness. It does help but at times, it doesnt. I feel unhealthy of myself. I didnt have enough rest, ive been going out every single day. Its so unhealthy, by unhealthy means my mental health. I am physically and emotionally tired of being myself. Sometimes I wish I was someone else but sadly, I am still me. Thats life anyway, keep going forward and dont look back. But thats a lie, i still look back. Sigh.

[foxoftheninetails]

Okay. Same rules as always apply: you can interact if you want to, or ignore this if you don't. As always, I know I'm a lot to handle.

I've had good mental health for over a week. Things were going great, I felt good, was sleeping, kind of eating (still struggling there, but usually 1+ meal a day, even if the + was an uncrustie), didn't have any intrusive thoughts. Then last night I could feel the spiral coming on, and for the dumbest trigger imaginable. For a totally irrational and juvenile and stupid reason. Which makes it even worse really.

It doesn't help that I may be getting sick, or I may already be sick. Not sure, and not sure where that might be going, but I know its not helping.

I mentioned recently that my friends are everything, my heart and soul. But probably 3 or 4 times a week I think to myself: "Wouldnt it be easier, safer, less hurtful if you just...didn't? Let your friends go, they were probably at least as happy when you weren't around. You can drift away from them, let the distance get wider, and you dont have to hurt anymore."

I dont mean friends like we talk once every few weeks or exchange letters or whatever. I mean the friends I can barely go a day without talking to them, the ones that I seek out to say hello to. If I leave, they wont notice for long, and I wont lay awake at night wondering if I said something wrong, if they havent said hi because they're mad at me, if this is all a colossal fuck up and they're screwing with me. Because it has happened. To me. Multiple times.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I let certain people in. Which is stupid, right? Because how can someone be so out of touch they didnt see the 6 foot layer of bullshit come down?

So, what if I didn't? What if I went back to just me and my partner, and my thoughts? How long before I crack in half? How long before I decide I cant handle it, I cant be that alone. I was able to do it once, when I was so much stronger. But I lay awake at night, after the first wave has passed, in a cold sweat. And my mind says you could stop the anxiety if you just get cold again.

I spent 10 years working. I know, I know. Everyone has had a job, has dedicated themselves to it. It was nearly all I had. In my family, you get up and you do your chores, then you go to work. When you get home, you make sure nobody else needs help with their stuff. If you're lucky, after exhausting yourself in manual labor for 12 or 14 hours a day, you can watch tv until your eyelids feel like iron. I cant tell you how many nights I fell asleep on the couch. The last time I went on "vacation", I had to help put a new roof on my parents house. When I was a teen and wed go visit family in NY, there were always chores. Mow the lawn, repaint the fence, redrywall your aunts house, put new decking down. Work was all I knew. Much to my surprise, people didnt do all of this all the time. They had downtime, they had reasonable hours, they had the ability to say no.

Thats another one. Saying no. Seems easy, right? I can type it to myself all day long. If I told my parents no about work, or side work, or any chore that fell into my lap because my sister said she didnt want to, I was punished. In a backwards and manipulative way. Suddenly none of my favorite foods were in the house, my room was never clean enough, I had to do all the dishes from dinner because it just didnt make sense to run the dishwasher.

So when I say I could just flip the switch and become cold again, my whole body goes into panic mode. My heart is racing right now because somewhere, someone is going to read this and know what is going on inside my head.

The only thing more terrifying to me than making an ass out of myself in front of my friends, more terrifying than them getting mad at me; is not having them. I honestly think it might kill me.

I let them in too far, and now what if they leave?

I guess I can't let them go after all. I hope that they don't want to be let go of.

This was only slightly more convoluted than usual. If you're insane enough to read this, I'm sorry to subject you to what is essentially word vomit. I need to get this out, or it will eat me alive. Never really understood what people meant by that until now, that holding certain things in can kill you, can devour you.

I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm too afraid to be alone. I just need to not push people away, even though that is my immediate response. Just take a step back for a day or two, its no big deal. Then suddenly four months have gone by, and they're either tired of trying or didn't care enough to in the first place. Hard to say which of those is worse.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, except everything is lined with razor blades to make it more interesting.

[rrxnjun]

I ACTUALLY YELLED SEEING LIEBESTRAUM WAHHHHH;-;-;;-;-;-;-;; THANK U SO MUCH FOR WRITING IT I CANT WAIT TILL JUNE;-;;-;-; i cannottttt tell u how happy u actually made me with that wahhdhfjf

OOO MAN☹️☹️I HOPE UR MENTAL HEALTH WILL GET BETTER!!!! AND U DONT SUCK!!! TAKE UR TIME WITH IT u shouldn't listen to them when ur not in the mood for them it will deff ruin the vibes so take all the time u need!!!!

i agree with that the only good noise music i listen to now is all from nct and when i hear other bgs' i'm just😟😟😟 IM SURE HE WAS AMAZING CUZ ALL OF THEM WERE🤌🤌 the song genuinely slaps so i'm not surprised if it makes it in there

well idk people said i study a lot so i just accepted the fact but i never feel prepared enough so;-; tbh the percentage is lower just to pass💀 but i need the plus point for uni and that's the limit for getting it but yeah i feel like it shows that hungary does not go for making people smarter lmao💀 I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE POINT LIMITS FOR GETTING INTO UNI wahhh the whole thing is dumb🫠 thank u!!!! i have three more speaking exams so i'm shitting my pants rn😃OH NO☹️ i hope u passed the second one exams suck so i hope it didn't hit u hard!!!! GOOD LUCK WITH THEM!!! IM SURE U WILL DO GOOD ON THEM!! MANIFESTING SO HARD!!!! I HOPE U ARE DOING WELL AND ARE TAKING CARE OF URSELF!!!! (liebestraum anon💓💕)

(the review reply: art sucks for that reason sm;-; but i deff learned after a few times of that happening with me as well to just sleep on it and throw it out after but it still amuses me how can art have this effect in a way (idk how to explain what i mean rip) AND THANK U FOR NOT HATING IT U JUST MADE ME THE HAPPIEST PERSON ISTG!!!)

IM REPLYING TO THIS ASK LITERALLY SO LATE THAT THE FIC IS DROPPING TOMORROW LMAO ADJSK i have to warn u tho its quite different to the original draft i had and the teaser i posted from it 😶😶 hope you still end up liking it !!!

SJSJ thank you thank you 😔😔 you are always so sweet and understanding ily mwah.

nct noise is the only good noise in kpop. there i said it. 😶 (this is a joke there are a few more good noise songs from diff groups pls dont jump me im targeting one fandom in specific w this yes) like nct could do any of your favs songs but could your favs do sticker? no. thats right.😌 AHHH im glad u liked my babies cix i was told by spotify that they are my top listened to artist of the last 4 weeks so. 😃 yeah. they also had a comeback like 2 days ago if u wanna check that out cough cough

if people tell u that, its probably true AHAHA 😭😭 me and my friend were talking the other day like i dont even study that much like i get to the 2 hour mark and i go well 🤷‍♀️ thats it for the day ig. like i dont have any more brain capacity LMAO. Oooh i do get you w the uni points stuff!! me being a straight A student was what got me into uni too bc switching from business hs to psychology was actually kind of insane coming from me LMAOOO i had no bonus points from biology or anything so my grades helped a TON since i fucked up the entrance exam too lol 😭😭😭 im rooting for you !!!! I feel like slovakia doesnt really care abt that either ?? there are definitely better and worse unis tho and i unfortunately attend the one thats one of the best so they kinda care..😔 SPEAKING EXAMS ARE THE WORST THEY SHOULD BE CANCELLED LIKE THATS 3 TIMES THE STRESS U HAVE WHEN TAKING A WRITTEN ONE. i hate those sm omg i am PRAYING for you (i have only one speaking one this semester and i am mentally preparing for it for the last few weeks) i actually passed the second try (with an E, but i still did it....) and i have another exam w the same professor this friday so..🤞

i am trying to learn how to be patient w art (and life) so it prevents me tearing everything out and throwing it out.....so you are right abt that AHAHA thats a good advice to take

as always i hope youre doing good, taking care of yourself and having a good time!! mwah

[mlm-mod-taka]

Hello!! Could you possible write comfort headcanons with Mondo, Byakuya, Kaito and Makoto (seperately) with gn reader who had a nightmare?? i just want to have some comfort cause my mental health isn't doing great these days ;o; if you don't want to, thats okay! I hope you will have a great day! ✧*｡٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و✧*｡

NIGHTMARE HCS • makoto, byakuya, mondo, kaito x gn reader

when mondo owada <3 but yes of course! ive never had a nightmare so i hope i captured this accurately enough. feel free to talk to me, my dms are always open. sorry if these are a little short by the way, but i still hope you enjoy!

tws/cws: nightmares.

|| -> mod taka <3

makoto immediately jolts out of bed when he feels you move harshly. when he looks over to see if youre okay, he sees that youre still asleep, but your body is practically moving on its own.

he figures that youre probably having a nightmare, because he can hear you mutter restraints under your breath. in a panic, he quickly shakes you until you wake up.

asks what you dreamed about, and if youre okay. hes never had too many nightmares, but he knows that they can be scary, so hes ready to let you vent.

when you tell him what the dream was about, you were still shaking and your body was still on very high alert. makoto sighs in a sad tone, going away for a second to grab you a cup of water to calm yourself down.

he knows that youre probably too scared to go back to sleep, so he suggests that you two should pull and all nighter and do some fun things together. yknow, to help you calm down.

the first thing you do is most likely watch your comfort show, or watching anything that will calm you down. makoto does everything he can to maximize your comfort, your happiness does matter alot to him.

talks about topics that he knows you enjoy. will talk about your hobbies, characters you like, any uncommon interest you have, your favorite animals etc. etc... you guys will talk for hours on end, and next thing you know, you forget about your nightmare.

will order some of your favorite food so you can watch it over a funny netflix show, and binge all the episodes until its afternoon, and youre both passed out from lack of sleep on the couch. the tv is still playing in the background as you have a nice dream.

will stay up a little later than you for a few night after that, so if you do have another nightmare, he'll be wide awake to help you out again.

is the lightest sleeper from the group. the moment you make even the slightest noise of discomfort, hes awake insantly. and tonight was one of thoss nights. he woke up at the start of your nightmare, and quickly woke you up before the dream got worse.

when you wake up in a panic, his calming presence quickly ground you back, youre mostly calm by the time he asks you if you had a nightmare.

you say yes, and you start to share what the nightmare was about. luckily, it was very short since he woke you up before it started to get really scary, but it was still terrifying in a way.

looks at you in a sorrow manner when you vent about the dream. when you do finish ranting, he begrudgingly pulls you into a warm hug. hes not used to showing physical affection, but hes trying, so do bear with him for now.

nothing really is said after you talked about your dream, most of the night just turns into a big cuddle session. hes a surprisingly good hugger, and next thing you know, youre back to sleep.

is very worried about you, so he looks up some ways to stop nightmares before they can happen, instead of waiting until they do occur to wake you up.

he finds a few solutions, but he waits until the nightmares become a recurring thing before doing the things hes found online. maybe it was just a one time thing.

and, it was. you dont get another nightmare. but, just in case, he cuddles up to you every night since then, so you can be reassured that he'll always be there if you do get another bad dream.

understands what you feel when you wake up and you cant think straight. hes been through alot of nights where he wakes up in a cold sweat from a terrible nightmare, so he probably knows how to comfort you the best.

wont touch you until you calm down, you could probably get overwhelmed and he'll make it worse. mondo will just patiently wait for you to snap out of it, with no judgement in his eyes.

when you do start to tell him what happened, he listens very intently. just, hears you out. no one was ever there for him when he woke up after a nightmare, so he'll be there for you.

when you finish, he starts to share his nightmares as well. the man has probably never let anyone other than you hear what his dreams contain in his darker days. he trusts you.

you guys just spend the rest of the night in each others presence, hugging each other while you exchange stories. they slowly went from depressing stories, to stuff that makes them burst out in laughter.

he mumbles about some stories that he and his brother experienced together. its a funny story, but he doesnt seem to laugh as much at it. there was a strange emotion on his face, but he avoided the question when you asked.

you start to fall asleep in his arms as he says another story, this time about his old dog, chuck. in the middle of it, he looks over to see you deep in slumber.

smiles, and gives you a kiss on your head before sleeping as well. youre both there for each other when you have your nightmares, the other always ready to tell a funny story to cheer the other up.

has a much different approach to your problem. when you wake up, youre greeted by a worried kaito. he lets you talk about your dream for a bit, before telling you to get dressed, because you two were going somewhere.

when you get to the location hes leaded you two, its a mcdonalds. and right at the front, was shuichi, kaede, and maki, all waiting for you and him.

the rest of the night was spent going to random parks, buying things at cheap stores that you were probably never going to use, and eating as much unhealthy food as you could.

apparently, his friendgroup has this arrangement that whenever one of them is sad, they go out and have a small adventure. and now, youre a part of it too.

the image of everyone swinging on the rusty swings of an old playground, kaito trying to go down the slide, but accidentally getting stuck, and needing maki and shuichi to pull him out, is probably one of the most memorable images you'll ever experience.

you were all so happy and carefree. you quickly forgot about the dream as everyone had a contest to see who could drink the most coke, and shuichi spit it out because of the continous burn he felt in his throat.

when you get back at 7 am from the adventure, you go to sleep like a baby, remembering all the happy moments you saw. kaito slept next to you, happy that he was able to help you, and messaged the group to get ready for another hangout tomorrow in case the nightmare comes back. him and the group are always ready to calm you down from a bad dream, just message them and they'll be on the way.