unwittinglythinking

[unwittinglythinking]

Relapse

i can’t speak, but i know my mind do.

My heart feel the pain that I dont even want to remember anymore, I dont ant to feel this kind of pain anymore. but if God tells me, theres a reason why this happen, then I will believe in Him.

Even if it breaks my heart into thousand million zillion pieces, but if this is what God tells me, then be it.

My trust for Allah is infinity.

But Allah, im very weak. Pls dont test me too harsh, bcs its so painful. Thank you for my husband, Allah. Without him, I mightve became like last year again.

Sitting in the dark with knife and rope, only You know what happened that day. But today Allah, I never felt that at all. I want to live my life the longest so I can be with my husband. You made him came across my life, you answered my prayers that you will give me something that revive my will to live.

Now i have the will to live again, thank you Allah.

For my dearest husband, until My last breath and till we reunite again in Jannah inshaAllah, forever I will be grateful for you and i love you so much.

-15 july, first relapse after marriage

[unwittinglythinking]

adhd & mdd

in 2018 my doctor diagnosed me for having minor depression. i took it lightly and i know i couldn’t sleep because i keep on seeing things in my nightmare. i took  sleeping tablets but did not take any ssri’s bc the doctor doesn’t allow me. only sleeping tablets so that i can sleep. i remember back in 2018 i took sleeping tablets almost everyday and yet i still was getting really bad sleeping quality. idk how to cure from that.

in 2019, it got worse. doctor diagnosed that i have mdd. jpa did not believe in me and keep questioning why would i be getting such mental health issue and that i should keep my heads up, read quran and go pray to God bc they said it helps. i’ve been seeking help and praying to god since day 1 my parents taught me to. i dont know, what went wrong. am i that bad, that jpa thought of me that way?

2020 2021 covid, it still the same mdd, not getting enough sleep everyday, trying to make myself happy but felt so empty. ppl questioning why am i not happy when they’re there by my side. i wish i have an answer for that, why am i not happy when everyone else is around? why am i feeling empty when i shouldn’t be feeling empty? why is my body and mind telling me to talk to my own inner mdd? i don’t know. what’s going on, i dont even know.

2022, warded over a month, diagnosed mdd + adhd, taking 15mg ssri’s (max amount of ssri a woman with my age are allowed to take). swallowed that big ass amount of escitalopram, going on therapy, consulting with the doctors and therapist, hoping that my life will be better. i remember asking my doctor,

“doctor, can i be free from mdd one day? can i cure from mdd, doctor?”

i still rmber vividly my doctor’s face changed and he said, “i hope one day it will go away. i believe that you can, but it definitely depends on the person. sometimes it takes 2-3  years, for some other it might take 10-15 years. some might take even more time.”

i remember, i cried. bc it felt like i had no hopes. 

and i just wanna run away from life, from the people that talk shit and abused me, from the people who didn’t give love and attention to me, i just wanna sit somewhere all alone in silent.

but now 2023, im feeling slowly healing. found my soulmate who is the most understanding of all. although sometimes im scared when he asks me “why are you feeling empty, do i not fill your void?”, im scared to answer that. i dont know babe, of course you do fill my void, but with my adhd and mdd right here, what made my void heart today is just bc i am still sick. your support, darling, has been carrying me around, happy and learn to willingly live longer because i just wanna be with you my whole life. you excites me, sweetheart. i love u so much. you ask me that only one time, and i remember whenever i told u im feeling empty, all u said now is “im here” and babe, that calms the shit out of me i love you so much for that.

for being my backbone, my biggest support and cheerleader, my husband you deserves only the best. for treating me like a human, like a woman i am. i love you and im so grateful for u. thank you. 

you are a medicine to me and you bring wellness to my life, sweetheart<3

[unwittinglythinking]

fragile body

Today I am reminded that the body that I have is merely borrowed from God, and the body I am borrowing is fragile. You know how I always fell sick or that I just randomly get cough or fell down or faint without any notice. Backpain, tummy ache, etc. I don’t think I can even bear the pain too much.

Until when I talked it out to my husband, I told him, you know I have a weak body. I am not worried about having a fragile body, but I am worried one day when I get pregnant.

I always wonder how are other women so strong and can even bear children. How can they deliver the baby safely without them being in high risk of danger.

I told my husband, I am worried if the day comes when I am pregnant, I am afraid that I cannot deliver them safely. What if. What if the doctor tells you to choose between me or the baby.

“You. Please don’t be sad, if I choose you, and not the baby.”

My husband hold me tight. I can’t forget the feeling of his warmth body, hugging me and telling me this.

“Babe, you’re okay with it, right? If I need to choose between you and the baby, I will choose you. I cannot live without you.”

Yes, my dear husband. 

Deep in my heart, hoping that it’ll somehow reaches him, I say; ‘you can choose me. I would not want to see you not being able to live without me.��

My dearest husband, I do not want you to not be able to live without me. 

My dearest love, please keep strong, I am here and will always be. I hope that one day, my fragile body can bear us children. I hope that we can see our own children, darling. For I believe, with Allah on our side, 

we can go through this together.

With the love Allah gave to the both of us, 

we will go through this together.

Ich hab dich lieb, mein Schatz <3

[unwittinglythinking]

Dear Soulmate

Do you think of me? Like I do.

Do you have brown eyes like mine?

Do you have a sister too?

Dear Soulmate, 

I’m glad I can answer all of these questions, because I finally found you.

And I want to give you this song.

I can’t wait to see you again soon, just 2 more days till I see you again.

I miss you so much.

Come home soon, darling.

[unwittinglythinking]

Back to my tumblr, my heart suddenly moved to look back into it.

Hello my little space, where I talk randomly with myself.

Today is 16 June 2023, and this little space shall now know, I am a full-fledged married woman to the man I’ve been waiting for so long, since 2014. Little did I know, my he-was-once-my-high-school crush, that I never tell anyone about. Bcs remember, whenever we were in high school, if we talk about our crush, all other girls would as well pay attention to the crush. So I might as well just keep it in silent. 

Who knew, the person I kept silent about is actually my husband. I got married 2 weeks ago (3rd June 2023), to my high school crush. And i’m glad it’s him and i’m very very grateful that Allah made him for me and made me for him. I am glad I left the one before, and I’m glad it’s my husband who is with me now. He truly is my one and only soulmate that I’ve been waiting for. <3

I know this tumblr little space used to be a place for me to tell stories with a stranger, a place for me to rant, a space for my brain dump when my mental gets too cramped and taxing. Good news for you, my little space. It will might turn into a loving space from now on, now that I’ve met the one for me in my life.

Dear Soulmate,

you still haven’t discover this place yet, have you? Not until I share you about this little space of mine. But I know you have received the 9 years long love letters I made specially for you and only you. Nobody (men) knows about this love letter bc I never know who my husband is gonna be. So I have been keeping secrets about those love letters for such a long time.

Dear Love,

the moment you said you wanted to be with me, shocked me through my bones. I told you about my health, especially my mental health. That would you be able to accept a woman with mental health issues. A woman with emotional rollercoaster. And that you say yes, scares me because what if you changed your mind after seeing the real thing?

But a few times when I broke down before we got married, you never left my side. You even help me take deep breaths when i’m losing my breathe. Even after we got married, I got a relapse and that you hugged me and never let me go. You hugged me to sleep. You cared for me, you love me to sleep.

I felt so loved, and I felt so happy being loved this much. I love you so much and I appreciate you so much, my dear loving husband.

I am proud to tell you that I haven’t taken any escitalopram ever since I’m with you. I hope it stays this way till forever, I hope you really will be the medicine to my illness. Because you changed the ‘i’ to ‘we’, from illness you turned it into wellness. I love you, my dear love.

[unwittinglythinking]

It’s been a while isn’t it

Hi. Been a few months past. 

Ever since I am back for good in Malaysia last August, I still took escitalopram until September I think. And I stopped.

But I’m Sorry I came back to Tumblr, where I post my feelings and rants.

Sorry to disappoint you, I am back with day 1 of 5mg escitalopram today.

I fought with Den yesterday, and we slept angrily and sad. It was way worse for me, it made me feel so depressed and I can’t stop crying. My eyes keep being so teary since yesterday. Why do I feel so dull, why does this relationship feel so static? Why does it feels like he doesn’t give as much effort to stay with me?

Should I leave?

But I love him.

What should I do?

Because of him, I started my day 1 of escitalopram. It made me feel so depressed.

I need help Allah. Please.

[unwittinglythinking]

talking about my mental health took a lot of my health, my body got so anxious and i have a super fast heartbeat and was suffocating so hard… my throat was as dry as the desert, i drank 3 glasses and it still doesn’t feel as wet.

i don’t feel the anxiousness, maybe because the anti-depressant works. but my body couldn’t hide it, 15 mins after stopped talking about my mental health to a friend, i try to calm myself down bcs suffocating makes me really hard to breathe and it made my friend super worried.

it’s like i’m not getting enough oxygen. but, it’s just that severe. very severe…

i feel calmer now, after writing this… it’s 5:34 am and i still haven’t sleep. but my eyes finally feel tired… that means i know my body finally calmed down… rest well, my body… 💖

[unwittinglythinking]

I will restart my day again...

Today will be my day 1 of escitalopram.

I got this.

[unwittinglythinking]

7 days

7 days without escitalopram. seriously, I thought it’d be fine. I thought, I would survive without it, because I feel like it’s not a long time.

Turns out the 4th day without escitalopram, my mdd crept in again.

It’s so scary, I cried so much at night until the 7th day. I cried so hard, I didn’t know what to do. I feel like harming myself. A person like me who’s scared of blood, feel like cutting myself all over again and I want to feel my body again.

I feel like I’m lost again in the dark tunnel, I couldn’t find my way to the end of the tunnel to find the light. I need it. I don’t wanna go back, why am I going back.

Please, don’t go back.

I’m scared.

Help.

[unwittinglythinking]

day 23 of consuming anti-depressant. also, today marks the first day of me consuming pipamperon (sleeping aid for depression). Today I felt like escitalopram has been working extra strong, I wasn’t feeling energetic in the morning but super energetic in the evening. I’m worried that I can’t sleep tonight, and that i’ll end up getting panic attacks, so I’ve decided to take pipamperon tonight, just so that I can fall asleep faster.

Today, is also the day that I had a first appointment with the doctor from PIA (Psychiatrische Institutsambulanz), and that I stabilize my condition as I recently discharged from the hospital a week ago. So I required some time to be more stable at home, because everything starts from home. I hope I can work soon. Mentally sick is just too tiring. I’m still finding the motivation that I lost. Still trying to love back all that interests me. Please please please come back.

My body is in pain.

[unwittinglythinking]

day 21

day 21 of consuming anti-depressant daily. I feel the difference. Less anxious, feels less depressing even though something unpleasant happened. I can calm myself down better, I can actually feel like it will be alright, even though something unpleasant happened. It will be all good.

Usually Mondays, is the most anxious day for me. But today, I don’t feel as anxious. I feel calm, and I feel like everything is gonna be alright.

Though, I feel sleepy. I slept more than 8 hours but I still feel tired. The depression is still there, because it still affects my physical (being tired and lethargic) but I have slight motivation to wake up from bed and even take a shower. Writing this early in the morning is also an achievement for me. It’s 8:40 am right now, and to be honest, it’s an achievement for me.

I should be taking escitalopram now. Maybe I’ll write more if there’s anything I feel like dumping later. Been a while since I write, after I got super sick on week 2 when I was in the hospital. Definitely, I am definitely getting better. :)

[unwittinglythinking]

doctors

I’ve been seeing doctors last week, I can say, more than 10 times.

Talking to them, vent about what I had on my mind.

It helped but I don’t want to be told what to do.

I don’t know why do I feel that way.

How can I heal if my mind keep thinking to rebel?

Today is Tuesday. I will be meeting the head doctor, I hope he/she will be kind to me. I don’t know what they will ask me, but I will tell them how sad I felt yesterday. I can’t keep this to myself. This dark shadow will keep eating me alive if I keep them inside me.

Why is it so dark?

I am seeking help.

I want to see the light.

[unwittinglythinking]

week 2

I think I’m getting so numb.

I feel the sadness within me, I also feel the chest pain, but I don’t know how to express it. I can’t express it. Maybe the anti-depressant really worked on me, so I totally feel nothing but the deep chest pain.

I can’t cry even if I want to. I want to cry so bad, but I can’t. 

I guess the anti-depressants are doing the work. Though it’s better this way for now. At least I don’t feel suicidal at some point.

I want someone to hold me, I don’t mind anymore if they’re a guy as long as someone can hold me. If that can help heal me, please give me what I need.

Monday was the worst in this week. I feel sad and had chest pain the whole day. I can’t feel happiness, and I couldn’t cry too. I slept almost during every free time that I had. I had no motivation as well, to do things that I love. I want to continue drawing for my roommate’s daughter but I couldn’t do it as well.

I want to talk to my online friends, but they aren’t feeling well.

I want to meet my in real life friend, but he isn’t feeling well too.

I want to see my boyfriend, but what if he’s making me feel worse.

I don’t know, why am I so unlucky with life.

[unwittinglythinking]

I want head pats

[unwittinglythinking]

visits

I thought that today, nothing happy will happen. It wasn’t as I expect it to be; dull and boring day. I thought I’d just be sitting and laying on my bed while looking at the white ceiling. But it’s not the day that I expected it to be.

I have a lot of people that came to me today. Ahhh, I’m gonna cry.

___________

Day 1, my friend who lived in this city came and accompany me to the hospital. We even had dinner together outside of the hospital, because I was super hungry after the evening bread in the hospital. So he bought me some food and we had picnic outside of the hospital. Actually I planned to go outside and just have a walk with my friend, and maybe get some snacks to eat. But he said, I don’t have to go far from the hospital (because he’s worried if anything were to happen to me since I started taking my medications, and there are some side effects I am getting when I take it). So he bought us food and he brought them to the hospital. We had cute little picnic on the bench outside of the hospital. He even brought me an ice-cream! It was a great small picnic. :)

At night, Fishy DM-ed me on Discord, and we had an almost 2 hours long of conversation. It was really fun, I love her so much! She’s so much fun to be around with, because I can’t help but think that we’re sooo similar and we can relate to each other so much. We even thought we’re twins LOLLL????? Fishy is such a kind and adorable and sweet person I’ve ever met. She completed my day 1 in the hospital with pure sweetness and happiness. May God bless her :)

___________

Day 2, I had a great time with myself. I went out on the evening, spend my whole evening, rode my bike and went around the forest and also by the harbour. I watched sunset by the harbour. I sat on the bench near the harbour, it was very pretty.

Then I video called with another girl friend of mine. She wanted to call me so bad since I had my relapse. So, she was so happy, finally able to see me. I called her while sitting by the harbour. When I told her, I need to be back to the hospital before dinner, she said I could bring her along to the hospital. So I did a hospital tour for her. :)

It feels like she’s visiting me when I did the hospital tour though, hehe <3

I spent the whole night just watching streams, because I don’t really have friends I can talk to at night now. My American friends are also busy since it’s the spring break, so we can’t hang out that much anymore. :’) I miss them though! I hope they’re doing well <3

___________

Day 3, it’s today. I don’t know what to feel today. The nurse gave me a higher dose for my medications. I feel nauseous and throwing up at times. But I’m holding it back, and control my body. I played Valorant today, but my hands were so sweaty and my feet were too. It’s probably another side-effect of the medications, because it is supposed to make my body feel more excited. That’s why I am sweating a lot today. 

While I was playing Valorant, I saw a message from CJ “NVM IM GOING TO BED GN”. I was like, “huh?” So I messaged him back, “whatsup?” and if he messaged me before. He said he did, and he wanted to play with me. But I didn’t read the message at all.... I felt so bad T_T... So I told him that I can’t play long and that I need to get off Valorant bcs my laptop is heating up so bad. I also said that I’m not at home and he asked me where am I then? I told him I’m in the hospital and he was shocked... I mean, who doesn’t, right? 

That’s when he told me he’s gonna bring me chickfila and chicken nuggies right away LOL. He’s so kind and funny. I tbh can’t believe I am making friends from Valorant.

Also, today in the hospital, we had BBQ Grilled. Though I couldn’t eat much because most of them are the German Wurst, made from pork. I only ate the grilled cheese and salad. At least the salad was yummy, and the weather was nice. :)

In the evening, my supervisor, Sarah came with Gisela to visit me in the hospital. They even brought me gifts! Sarah said, she knows that I love to draw, so she bought me a drawing block and few colour pencils, with erasers and a sharpener. Even gave me a rabbit chocolate and mini pretzel for snacks. They’re soooo thoughtful and I almost cried, because they made me so happy. I am so happy. Sarah also told me that, Prof Rolink wanted to visit me as well and he kept asking Sarah and Gisela when they are gonna leave to the hospital to visit me. But the both of them left Prof Rolink and went by themselves LOL! It’ll probably be too late if they’re gonna wait for him, so they left first. But Sarah said that Prof Rolink is very worried about me and he kept asking about how am I doing. I am so glad to know that there are a lot of people who are worried about me. It means so much to me, it makes me want to keep on living.

People around me are so thoughtful and loving. I am so grateful to know about all of this while being alive.

I don’t know, how long will I be staying in the ward. But I’m thinking of what’s best for my health now. I really hope I can recover and treat my depression faster. I wanna be healthy and be happy around the people I love. My family, my bestie, my clowns, my nekkopals, my uni people... Everyone, you guys are in my heart.

I love you guys. Thank you for existing in my life. <3

[unwittinglythinking]

She loves deeply, regardless of the love she gets in return, and it is both her greatest strength and her biggest weakness.

N.R. Hart (via thoughtkick)

[unwittinglythinking]

wensdi

Sometimes I feel like, I’m too much to handle. I feel like, I’m the one who’s insane. Most of the times, I think, how do others handle me? I can’t even handle myself. 

I’ve been taking medications again, and receiving higher doses faster now. Slowly feeling dizzy, as if I’m gonna faint on the floor. But it doesn’t matter even if I faint now, because I’m in the hospital. There’s doctors and nice nurses around that can help me, so I’m sure I’ll be fine whatever happens. 

Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t help me at all. All he does is do his own stuffs and meanwhile me, just being sick. I don’t know if he even knows to handle someone like me. I don’t think anyone can handle me at all. I wonder if the boyfriend is just a boyfriend, and not my fated person. I wonder if the real one, can even handle me? Idk, what if Allah made that no one is able to handle my personality at all?

Work? I haven’t done a single one at all. I couldn’t do it. I feel like after taking the medication, my body reflexes has became much slower. The doctor told me the medication would work much faster on me, because of my small body. It will work so much faster for smaller people. 

So far, the food is alright. There are times, that I am still hungry. Most of the times, I just don’t wanna eat the bread because it’s so dry and stale. I miss my mom’s homemade cooking whenever I’m sick. I know I’m old, but I still miss my mom’s dish so much. They’re warm, delish and full of love. I also miss hugs... Warm and tight hugs are my favourite. 

I don’t know why am I writing this. It is supposed to be a journal, but I get so dizzy now, I don’t really know what to write to be honest.

Also, I met a good friend from Valo, I call him CJ and he’s a very nice person too. He’s Hispanic and is the same age as Pi! :) When he asked me, why my gameplay got worse, I told him I’m in the hospital. He said, he’s getting me chickfila and chimkin nuggies and bring them to me right away, and he’s gonna give me a big hug. That is so adorable and sweet, even though he can’t send it to me (of course). But it’s always the thoughts that count.

I love thoughtful people. They are very sweet people. Very sweet and kind. They are my favourite. :)

Another one is, the nurses during the night shifts are male nurses. There’s a few time when the male nurses came into the room, and looked at me without my headscarves. I was so shy, I never show my hair to other men except my dad and my nephew. But I guess, some people who accidentally saw me without headscarves are the lucky ones...

Aaah... I am getting dizzier now... I’m sorry for the messy writings, but thank you for reading (not like there’s anybody else is gonna read, except the future me anyways... what am I thinking lol).

Last but not least,

I love you xoxo :)