#i cant take this anymore i cant take this constant pain and anxiety and my lack of emotional regulation

[tamagotchikgs]

i am still so out of it from the days of not being able to takw my meds i have never felt this way in my life everything feels so wrong i feel so distant i just want 2 cry but i cant

[delightfuldevin]

I am just having the time of my life aren’t I :))))

[xxlelaxx]

Anxiety makes enjoying good things so hard

[draculaurennn]

🙃

[imjustafaerie]

guys i know i’m not a big account, not very well known or anything like that, but i’m going into recovery. i ended up losing weight extremely rapidly in the past two months due to having to be put on MANY medications for my overall health. beginning of august, i was 120lbs, i’m 109 now and while it’s not my ugw, this d!sorder has quite literally ruined my body and my life. i’m v*miting every single day, cant keep any foods/drinks down, ive been on IV fluids for weeks, and my anxiety/depression has increased by a tenfold. i took this too extreme and now im suffering the consequences that i wish no one else has to experience. EVERYTHING has begun to shut down, and now i keep getting UTI’s simply because of my kidneys almost failing on me if it werent for medical attention.

as you can tell, hospital visits have been constant. and its not fun. im only making this post because i realize now that it is NOT. worth all the pain and damage you’re causing to your body. it may not be as bad for you right now as it is for me, but it will get to a point where it becomes unbearable. i literally cry every night because i physically feel like i’m dying and its a terrifying experience. now i know this might not reach many people, let alone help them realize that recovery truly is better, because i understand it becomes an addiction, and something that you mentally/physically cant stop. it literally has been me for over a year. this is for awareness. i promise, with all my heart, that taking a slow road to recovery is worth it and there are much healthier ways to lose/maintain weight. so, i will no longer be posting/updating anything @na/mia related, i dont want this disorder anymore, i am utterly terrified of it. please be safe, you are all too beautiful, and this is all of our first and only times living life. dont live it in pain and exhaustion.

[wadesprincessboy]

TW: health concerns, doctors being assholes, vent / rant, long text post

Worried that i may be developing tardive dyskinesia- im on antipsychotic meds and have been for years now, i take a very low dose but have a lot of side effects already and now im getting facial tics relatively often....tho i also get other tics so maybe its some other thing, but ALL my tics are centred around my head/neck/face area. I should see a doctor but a few years ago i was getting vocal tics and facial tics and asked my doctor about it and he said it was just anxiety and its "common for teenage girls to think they have tics because its trendy on social media" so idk. Hes not my doc anymore but i dont trust doctors to really listen to me about my symptoms.

Also been getting migraines all the time, bad pains each month, dizziness, the shakes, and seeing stars and feeling faint and nauseous.....most symptoms of genetic conditions that run in the family, such as diabetes, and pcos, and migraines. Again, i should see a doctor but-

My GP is transphobic and fatphobic and rather rude and ableist which baffles me since shes a DOCTOR. Shes also my mums GP and she constantly tells her she needs to lose weight or have weight loss surgery and that shes not really disabled (she has EDS, POTS, fibro, CFS, amongst other things) shes just lazy and using "buzz words" from the internet (shes had these conditions since before the internet was invented ffs, she just finally has words to describe her symptoms since those conditions weren't widely talked about until recently)!!! The doc also refuses to use my pronouns despite having asked me in the first place or listen to me when I ask about medical transition. She also refuses to acknowledge my chronic pain and menstruation problems (cause of my pain, its constant, and so is the bleeding....also pmdd) saying "all girls feel that way" (um sorry? No? No other girls i know spend weeks with excruciating pain and cant leave the house due to pain and bleeding for at least a week per month if not more. No other girls i know end up in a psych ward because of how bad their suicidal ideation gets before their period is due.). She also refuses to listen to my mum when she peaks on my behalf due to verbal shutdown in the doctors office and inability to make phone calls due to it triggering shutdowns as well, she says im old enough to talk so i need to be in control (i am. I control what my mum says on my behalf. I tell her before we go in what i need to say, and she relays that. I nod or shake my head or shrug to her so she knows my answer to questions. I have a system of taps or sometimes text her to tell her to stop talking or say something further. I AM communicating, i just shut down verbally and cannot communicate to anyone but her when at a doctor appointment) and she won't listen to what my mum says, and asks us to leave when i dissociate and ignore all attempts at communication when she insists i verbally speak to her (at that point, nothing will work, because i feel incredibly pressured and then wont communicate at all to anyone, and often melt down or panic).

^ and no, just cant get a new GP. My current one is an hours drive away because there are none taking new patients in my area, and im out of zone for all the youth services due to my town bordering two regions. If theres any taking patients then its either more than an hour away and simply impractical to get there when needed, or it costs too much to get an appointment. Not to mention my communication struggles are worse with new people, especially doctors, and ive had the same doctor since birth so :/

I also dont have a counsellor or psychiatrist because despite having specific funding for it, there are none in my area! I had a great one then she quit, and the CAMHS one fired me for not speaking (??????) and again, new people? Hard.

Fuck I hate this and my developing health problems. I was healthy my entire life, like i didnt even get a cold more than once every couple years!!! I always had mental health problems but never physical. Now i feel like shit constantly. It all started with puberty which is also when yk, doctors decided that everything was "teenage girl syndrome" or just anxiety 🙄

[kazuwhora]

An Unfortunate Fundraiser for my Beloved Fiona

hi friends <3 I’m currently sobbing as I type this, but I have nowhere else to release my emotions. over the past year, you have all supported me immensely with my journey of my lifelong soulmate of a cat fiona. if you’ve kept up with my posts, fiona has been by my side for 20 years, since I was 4, and in 2020 she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. I’ve done my best at upkeeping her health since her diagnosis, and she’s far outlived her very first prognosis and I’m more than proud of her for pushing so hard and so long. however, her little body just cant support that immense spirit inside of her anymore, and my little body can’t support the constant anxiety and anticipatory grief that comes with wondering when the inevitable might happen, and how it’s going to happen. the fear of losing her while I’m away, or losing her while I’m alone without family to support me is terrifying and it keeps me up at night and keeps me away from even going to work. at this point, I don’t want to see her decline any more. I don’t want to see her any sicker than she is, or burden her with vet visits, and pain that she might be hiding from me because she knows how much I need her.

I’ve decided that at the end of the month, around January 27th, I will be holding a special ceremony at home to help fiona find peace and to relieve her of her duties of supporting me for my whole life. In order to keep her memory alive and to treat her body with the upmost respect as a thank you for everything she’s done for me, and also as a way of helping me mourn and keep her close to my heart, I’ve decided to go through with an at home euthanization as well as a pelt preservation (where a portion of her coat is tanned and preserved and framed so I can always pet her) and a skull cleaning (solely because I LOVE spiritual practiced and I think her body deserves the attention that goes into these services). I’m hoping to have a small little display with these mementos of her made after her passing, however with euthanization costs, time off work that I will need to recover, as well as the cost of these memorials, the money that I have set aside just isn’t quite enough. I know so many of you have supported Fiona in the past and I’m more than grateful for everything you’ve done to help get her this far.

I’m going to be setting up a ko-fi goal in hopes of raising even a little bit of money to go towards it, and honestly even $1 helps. And if you don’t have anything to give, please give your own pet some love for me. Give them a hug, a kiss, tell them you love them and give them a treat. Never take your time with your pets for granted, and never underestimate the strength they can have for you in their last moments. I’m gonna post some photos of Fiona here to share my love for her with you all, and to put her wonderful energy out into the world for good measure. please know that I will also be going on hiatus until after I’ve healed enough from this, but I will do my best to thank each and every one of you and keep tabs on everything going on!

THE LINK TO MY KOFI GOAL IS HERE

and thank you all for everything you’ve done to support us. My appreciation for you all is beyond words 🖤🧡🤍 please do share this post- reblog, repost, spread all you want!

[the-s1lly-corner]

Elaboration on why you think you already know why your face is hurting? If you're open to it

Bad teeth, horrid teeth, I kind of ramble. Heads up I briefly mention mental health stuff and child neglect but I dont really dive deep into it but you guys know I like to add warnings just in case

Saying this now, admin does not know any terms when it comes to tooth stuff or dentist stuff so take descriptions with a grain of salt + when future plans for my care were discussed it was while I was still all fuzzed out on the gas they give people sometimes <\3

Very likely I'll probably delete this since this is a bit of a touchy thing

Got my dad's small mouth/jaw and my moms fucky teeth- idk what or if theres something running genetically in the family but the afabs on my moms side have teeth there are very susceptible to rot. At one point it was so tight in my mouth that a tooth just. Started cracking?? Said tooth happened to also have a cavity soooooooo.... and it was one of my front teeth too so triple bummer...

Add in the fact that when the cavity first formed my parents werent. Really around.. so uh.. no dentist visit for YEARS until the tooth cracked further, brushing can only do so much in this case + horrid mental health made self care hard. Bed rotting is very real and its horrible- will get onto just how bad the tooth was in a sec

Didnt get taken to the dentist til I was 17 when the crack worsened. First trip had to get a tooth pulled because I had two and a half teeth crammed in one space. Baby tooth never came out. Now one of my adult teeth rests mostly under my tongue. But the tooth removal DID relieve some of the pressure on my lower jaw!! Yay!! Theres still a gap but it's a little smaller than it was before. Dreading my wisdom teeth

Anyways back to the fucked up cracked tooth. Details are fuzzed since this was about 2ish years ago and I was on that funky gas because anxiety + literally the first time I could consciously remember going to the dentist + body sometimes jerks so... yeah!

Anyways

Apparantly the nerve in that cracked front tooth was nearly exposed. Like there was just a thin layer of... tooth.. stuff.. in the way, according to the dentist you could easily see the nerve behind it?? How I wasn't in constant pain was beyond me because jesus fucking christ

Dental plan! Sealed the tooth/glued it together because the main reason I got taken to the dentist to get the damaged assessed was! Graduation photos were coming up very fast and my mom didnt want me to have a cracked fucked tooth in my photos, but she also didnt want to do anything that could make my face swollen

So cue a "we're gonna come up with a plan later, for now we're going to metaphorically and literally hold this tooth together with glue until it cant keep it together anymore!" Soooooo

Here we are!

Reason I think my tooth is the problem is because it's on the same side right above that tooth, though now that I sit here aggressively breathing in through my nose to try to pin point WHERE it hurts (because unfortunately its ine of those "general areas but not exact" things), it feels too high up to be the tooth.. I mean I'm not gonna rule it out because I know bodies are weird but

Yk

Idk I'll probably bring it up to my mom, I'm kind of on edge since I know mouth tooth stuff can escalate quick and cause some NASTY complications

At least my actual teeth dont hurt at all??

If not the teeth its likely a sinus infection, I have been having a fucked up nose (running and stuffy) though I've mostly been attributing that to the weather... shrugs.. guess we'll just have to see!

[maxellminidisc]

Silly but the DūnM3sh nonsense around the last episode has me thinking about how like idk mostly white autistic folks (of the vairety who are not in need of higher assistance) online act like ALL autistic folks exhibit the exact same symptoms and behaviors in social settings when like I find mostly other poc and a lot of women regardless of race have very different experiences with the sort of "stereotypical" reaction and behavior that's most often associated with autism. Which leads to a lot of you assuming we are neurotypical and then this line of thinking extends into your reading of autistic characters, be they headcanons or canon characters. Rest of this is going under a read more

Like idk for a poc, theres already very little grace given to us in social situations, especially when around white people. You guys dont realize but we are consistently aware that no matter what, when we enter a space with y'all there will always be an internal bias present in white people that will deem any behavior of confrontation as inherently aggressive or mean.

So we learn to navigate social situations with an already high level of need to analyze so many of the behaviors and cues of the people around us out of complete necessity. Neurodivergency or not, this becomes a matter of survival. And for some people, like me, the need to do this and possibly avoid and save yourself the pain of having people who's racism is a potential harm to you becomes a priority in your brain more than anything else you have going on. You cant completely shut everything else out about your neurodivergency but you learn enough to keep yourself safe. It's what I was forced to learn when I was like 5-13 because I was relentlessly bullied for my race and ethnicity, and later for my incapacity to not understand certain social cues or even break rules until I was about 12/13.

I'm not completely without symptoms and if anything some of them have gotten worse. I struggle now with knowing when to stop talking until I notice people start looking bored or annoyed and I sometimes dont talk enough for fear of being annoying to people I'm close to. Not to mention I'm ALWAYS double checking what I say in a way that's almost like a compulsion. Like constantly, to the point where before I say something with say like factual information, I like quadruple plus plus check everything on Google before I say it (and even then I might get shit wrong and my reaction to that is....oh boy). And even then I sometimes end up not saying anything because I'm too scared I said something wrong and mislead or upset someone. Or worse, this information is unwarranted and annoying.

If anything I'm someone who's neurodivergency made them OVER COMPENSATE the need to pick up on social cues, eye contact, sociability, etc because it was a way to defend myself (by making it harder to pick on me without push back) or keep myself safe.

But at the end of the day the constant need to keep up with ALL of this burnt me out by the time I was in college and it made me incapable of masking very many noticeable things anymore, especially my over sensory and stimming when I'm stressed (which isnt helped by the fact that I have synesthesia), the anxiety it produces, and ultimately that it leads me to having a panic attack and has me in the place I am now where that shame of freaking out in loud spaces gave me agoraphobia. Now my threshold for "neurotypical behavior" is like SIGNIFICANTLY shorter when I leave my house.

And I constantly apologize for sharing information when I do. Like I have it instilled in me now to say sorry for information I share because I think I'm bothering people. And my capacity to understand jokes is flawed if the person I'm talking to isnt someone I'm consistently around because I haven't completely been able to process the way they speak or their sense of humor. I sometimes take jokes that are lies, unreality, or sarcasm as literal and people have to say "oh no I was joking I made that up".

When I first meet people I'm actually told I'm way too quiet and kind of intimidating because I guess people can sense that I'm analyzing them like a lil computer and I look them in the eyes TOO much. Funnily enough one of my close friends in high school didnt like me very much at firsy because she asked me if I liked her after very little time of being introduced and I straight up said no without much thought as to why that would offend her alskdkdmkfkd but after a while of getting to know her more, we got close, and like most people, after a while they say I seem pretty "normal" and "nice".

And this isnt even touching on my emotional responses and my horrible rejection sensitivity. That would make this even longer. But the one thing I'll say is it's made my relationship with my family VERY bumpy, and especially tumultuous when young, and it's something they struggle to understand still A LOT.

And outside of situations where I cant mask anymore from exhaustion, I get why it's sort if unsurprising to me when I've met white autistic folks who mistakenly assume I'm neurotypical because I can just navigate conversations with a sheen of "normalcy" (and lol racism), until we talk and they're like oh shit I get it now (usually white people with ADHD can pick up on my neurodivergency much faster which is funny lol) where as other people of color with adhd/autism dont ever make that assumption, they just get it. They pick up on ME analyzing them and we just look at each other like 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♀️

[gmos]

im having a lot of trouble coming to terms with how bad my health has gotten since having covid. like i knew it would severely worsen my quality of life, but its different than actually experiencing it. ive been bedbound more days than not over the past couple weeks, and even stuff like going to the bathroom or getting myself food takes so much out of me. i literally cant stand anymore. if im upright, i have to be moving, or else ill just collapse. like a bicycle. and thats not even getting into the constant pain: joint inflammation, migraines, neuralgia, sinus problems, worsened pcos. my eyes hurt all the time just from having them open. my anxiety medications no longer work, i get panicked over the most basic things, full-on heart palpitations and hyperventilating. ive missed almost a month of my job.

then theres the emotional aspect of knowing this all could have been prevented if my bf's coworker had just worn a mask when she knew she was carrying the virus

[swampgallows]

.

paranoid that i was exposed while getting my fucking vaccine. i had minimal side effects (little bit of tiredness and still a slight soreness at the injection site, even 2 days later) but this evening i started feeling dizzy and sniffling. started panicking so i took half a xanax. ordered in food because i couldnt drive after taking the xanax. im hoping it's just delayed vaccine side effects esp cause i got novavax so i cant compare to the 3 pfizers i got before. but everyone in the fucking clinic was unmasked, save for the pharmacist who put on a surgical only while actively injecting me (and a worker that i saw in a bifold, and we smiled at each other, and she complimented my mask :) ). i dunno man. im so tired of living in this world that feels like there's a fucking gun to my head any time i step outside and then people laugh about my fear of being killed.

we watched a bunch of zombie movies tonight in the discord and ive come to realize zombie flicks are much less fun in the wake of a pandemic when i really do feel like one of the only survivors left. to my knowledge ive still never gotten covid. but at what fucking cost? my career, my future, my sanity. i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this. but i cant just unlearn what i know about covid and what it can do to me. its why i didnt pursue dental training in the midst of all this; i know the anxiety id have over constant exposure will kill me before the virus does.

death is so terrifying. so is a potential life of severe disability. people with long covid in the groups i'm in are writing up their own eulogies, apologizing for not wanting to live anymore. "I don’t intend to let this be drawn out indefinitely, but I would really like to not die after spending all my final days sad, sick, in pain, and alone." "Maybe I should give up; I’ve given up on pretty much everything else. But I just don’t want this to be it. It can’t be." and then i scroll down my fb feed and see these kinds of posts sandwiched between raves, concerts, theme parks, everybody getting to live this life that simply cant exist for me. i dunno man. i dont know how im supposed to continue in a world like this.

[goremet-chef]

trying to control my emotions is so difficult man, like i can be honest with myself and lay out the whole truth, but that little voice inside me will always be like "okay, but what if we dont know the whole truth? what if something happened we dont know about and our fear is completely warranted?"

its sad because its not like.. the 'little voice' isnt an alter or something, its just ME. i bring myself so much misery, i feel so ashamed. i cant believe im our host. i bring all of us down, and im not even being dramatic or anything, i genuinely do. im selfish, and my method of coping with reality is to LEAVE it, when someone else fronts im biting my lip waiting to crawl back into front and take me out of here. i stop our social alters from even ATTEMPTING to be social because im too scared of the consequences (even if its just part of life, it rips my soul apart to be rejected, im so tired of being seen as weird)

its honestly kind of impressive, but despite all this fear that ties me down to the floor, i cant i CAN NOT ask if somethings wrong

i cant do it, because thats admitting defeat. thats me saying 'yeah ill be honest im sure nothing has happened on your end, but ive been drowning myself in anxiety and i need validation that my fear is for nothing like how you probably think it is'

i cant keep doing that. i hate being such a piece of work!!!! its never simple with me, everythings always fine until it literally isnt. ive convinced myself my friends, my closest bestest best besties, ALL hate me and ive been so depressed only for them to act completely normal and then i realize oh actually they dont and i was sad for nothing :] okay!

like. i just.

the last time i was ever open about how i was feeling, was when i was in contact with my groomer. i loved him i think, and i felt like i should be open with him, because he was my FP and the amount of crying i did every day was so pathetic

that was when i learned i had bpd and thats why i acted the way i did, and so i tried to be more open about it because i heard that i should and it would be good for my relationships, but all it did was make him tired with me, tired that i was constantly scared and asking if he still liked me

that was a bad time for me, i cant ignore that. being in constant contact with him was basically just giving me trauma every single day. my system was SO active trying to manage the stress, it was bad. i cant just blame myself for how i was acting, because it was a terrible horrible situation that i dont wish on anyone else, but man i wish i did things different

but like?? its like no matter the option i pick, its still the same!!! different outcome but shitty nonetheless

do i open up and tell the people i love that oh actually im really scared and im constantly afraid you dont love me anymore? or do i just. sit with the pain.

if i tell them, best case they tell me 'no dom, we still love you' and thats that, worst case they get annoyed with me, they see me as too much to handle, they pity me because something is clearly wrong with me

if i dont, then i do exactly what i do now, which is just wallowing in self hate and loneliness for 3 whole days, waiting for something thats not gonna happen because i havent fucking COMMUNICATED that i want it

i think technically, being open is the way to go. if i hadnt been stuck in such a shitty situation with a person like BRIAN then i wouldve probably seen better outcome. im open that i have BPD, so people should be aware what theyre getting into. if they stay despite knowing, they care about me, i know this is true. a lot of people book it once they hear you have any sort of cluster-b personality disorder because they immediately assume yr some kind of abuser, so this already is a good thing that i have people open enough to not immediately classify me as one and run

i just get scared like. what if i ask if somethings wrong and something IS wrong?? what if its my fault? id be so ashamed in myself. i dont have enough experience in human interaction to know how to fully like. handle that situation, the unknown outcome is what scares me the most

[bi-demon-ium]

MBS S2 EP5 LIVEBLOG

going insane. also love that this season is road trip season

“we gotta think like europeans if we’re gonna track Europeans” LFKJGDLKFJG I SIMPLIFIED IT FOR YOU

MARTINA!!!!!!!!!!!! MY GIRL!!!!!!!! MARTINA MARTINA MARTINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and she isn’t captain :((

oh you deserve better

THE COMICALLY LONG PHONE LINE LDKFJGDFGHHFGH

wow martina is so cool

wait why does constance have a doll that is beyond creepy

yeah throwing it is the understandable reaction

DR GARRISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW WE’RE JUST GETTING TREATED HUH

NOW WHERE’S SQ

I mean we kinda figured but still

her “Hello Constance” was so menacing what the fuck

ANYWAY THEME YES YES YES YES YES

rhonda looks gorgeous as always<3 I love her

also gayfear.png we already know rhondas going off on her own if they make this a thing with miss perumal and milligan im .

ohhh I bet rhondas going to find dr garrison and constance

TRENTONIUM DLKFGJ

like trenton lee stewart 😩

shes gonna find dr garrison isn’t she

“one never splits the party voluntarily”

“unfortunately that icant do”

YOU DON’T LIKE HER? SHE HAS THE OPTIMAL FACIAL PROPORTIONS LKDFJGLDKJLKFGHJFGH DR GARRISON

SHE IS OPTIMAL TO STUFF DOWN YOUR WINDPIPE DEATH WILL BE SWIFT

PLEASE I ADORE THEM BOTH

DR GARRISON YOU WEIRD LITTLE MAN

and just shoving it off the bed

also lmao he DID just blame her

she knows about the side effects

oh she really is going full mad scientist huh

wow shes going full nutjob huh

ohhh this is bad actually

I mean good (fun) but bad (terrifying)

ghost in the windmill, the dancer in the dark

I NEED TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM

oh shes. scary. shes scary

I love constance

ohhh the brains—YEAH

FUCK

no more embarrassing trace memories? uh oh

garrison: I HAVE ETHICS UNLIKE THAT BITCH!

also garrison: I will mind wipe the child

LDKFJGLKDFJGLKFDJG NUMBER TWO KICKING IN THE DOOR

also number two and curtain one on one interaction uh oh

and number two’s WORSD I love her

IVE TRIED AND SUCCEEDED TO BE CIVIL MAAM

curtain believes that I think, in some way, that he’s relieved him of the constant grip of depression and “angst”

number two I love you but this is not going to work

what are you going to do stuff the mandarin down his throat

SHES SO FUNNY

HER AND CONSTANCE HANDSHAKE EMOJI

also love that hes trying to manipulation salad her

I hate him

“im not hungry” oh really

STOP TRYING TO HYPNOTIZE HER

that’s what mr benedict said darling.

also her obstinate tone

“you are carrying a great deal of pain, aren’t you?” oh… oh,, and her reaction, im going to kill someoen

LOST YEARS?? im going to kill CURTAIN

“his service” “his organization” fuck you

I hate you curtain so much I hate you

CHANGED IT TO A STUPID PUN

“nicholas” fuck im going to kill you

I hate curtain so much

NARCOLEPSY MENTION. FINALLY

and curtain wont even acknowledge that part

of course he’ll choose to stay when he’s whammied that isn’t a good or fair option

DKKJLFGLKGFJ SHE JUST TAKES THE PLATE WITH HER

I ADORE HER

commercial break.

I am terrified.

bro im sooo terrified

vibrating with anxiety

ohhhh we’re back ahahhahaahahaha I am Shaking

ldgkhjgh the kids just. walking sadly

think this is the bit where reynie screams

“Terrible roommate. good friend”

DLFKGJDLFKGJ MARTINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ADORE HER

also want to see her interact with the other kids

“CURTAIN CANT SOTP KIDNAPPING” DLKFGJDFGJ

“I cant believe I once looked up to that man”

ohhh :/ so the institute transcripts are worthless

“but none of that matters anymore. I have a mission”

A LEADER LKJGKLFJHFGH

OKAY MARTINA<3

“doesn’t your team need this gear?” “yeah probably”

IF THEY CANT APPRECIATE WHAT I BRING MAYBE THEY DON’T GET A VAN

oh no. oh no. the kids. hes using a kid. that’s bad

oh god that’s bad

“a joyful lens” uh oh

UH OH THIS IS BAD THIS IS BAD

USING A KID? AGAIN? OH FUCK

FUCK

oit cant be the only way but it’s gotta be important

oh so the cult members can infect each other? terrifying

no one will be left out of this family….. ohh…….

oh presenting him with the clothes that’s .. ominiosu considering the promo pic with mr b in the clothes

yeah of course he’s sanguine! he’s been whammied! that’s pretty clear!

oncde again only curtain calling him nicholas :/

it is weird that he’s claiming to be undercover though is he totally whammied or not

oh curtain sort of . forcing him to stay

“AN ENDLESS CHASM OF SHEER TERROR.” “OR A VOID. UTTER NOTHINGNESS.” “OHH”

I continue adore jackson and jillson

OH NO

OH NO THEY WERE COMPLAINING OF A STIFF NECK AND MARLON JUST CROOKED HIS NECK

the water polo team glaring at constance lol

“we were underfunded”

they’re so bitchy I love it

shes so funny

CONSTANCE IS ALSO SO FUNNY

hello constance its so nice to have you back

terrifying

martina youre such a bitch (affectionate)

that’s such an obvious thing to miss???? did you even look

they’re just full on tracks did you even fucking look ldgkjldkjlkfgjhh I love you all

sticky youre so funny

also I love martina

im so scared during this commercial break<3

RHONDA… OH I LOVE YOU

RHONDA I ADORE YOU SO MUCH I LOVE THIS LOOK WOW

i love all her looks though to be fair

CHEMIST. having a baby

rhonda did you just got some new dad fired oh no lkgdjhfgh

and specifically saying a chemist just gets me

:(

MACHINE GRAVE

oh shes not doing it

to be fair I don’t know if she can do it on command last time it was kind of stressful

wow that worked surprisingly well just throwing a helmet at it I love her

wow garrison looks even more crazy evil mad scientist now

the old fashinoned way? terrifying

ooh the subtle theme song

lkfgjfg kate and her spyglass<3

until we proverbially find her lfkgjfgkhfgh

sticky & martina keep agreeing ,

reynie keeps thinking of things right at the right time. reynie ex machina

LKDFJGLKDFJGKDJFG SHES USING THE FUCKING. I FORGET WHAT THEY’RE CALLED. THE CARDS

YOU FEMALE CHILD

GARRISON IS LOSING IT HUH

weird parallel to curtain’s brainwashing kid

except shes going to break dr garrison

AND NOW SHES THE ONE GOING [OBVIOUSLY NOT FINE] I AM FINE

oh shes legit literally about to cry and/or scream

ohhh this is the reynie screaming scene I just know it

or soon

ohhh fuck

bunker! bunker! bunker!

or cellar

ah kate’s turn to find it <33

if they just burst in along with rhonda thatd be very funny I want rhonda, all the kids, martina, constance, and dr garrison to have a huge spiderman point session

martina DFILKJDGJFG “KATE PICK THE LOCK” GIRL SHES ALREADY DOING THAT I LOVE YOU

oh no miss perumal and milligan alone scene please don’t make this a thing

DEEPIKA? FIRST NAME FOR MISS PERUMAL? FIRST NAME FOR MISS PERUMAL?

I don’t love how we got it but

ALSO OH NO THEY’VE BEEN GOT

sensory issues lmao its soft “its soft!”

I know it’s the brainwashing but autism<3

you don’t have his ear. he has you.

im going to cry.

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR BROTHER. HE’S COMING WITHUS”

nfiugdmrmtliKLJFKG NUBMER TWO YOURE GOING TO FUCKING KIDNAP IHM?

I LOVE HO SO MUCH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IM LITERALLY GOING TO CRY THIS IS SO GOOD

AND THIS EXTREMELY BLOOD METAPHOR AND HIS EXPRESSION THIS IS SO FUNNY

but you will be together

“well that part, I like” ohhhhhhh

UH OH WE WERE RIGH TTHERE’S MARLON! FROZEN! FUCK

IS THAT DR GARRISON JUST SOBBING FLKGJFHJFGHFGH

THIS IS SO FUNNY

I LOVE HER SO MUCH CONSTANCE IS MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORL

DR GARRISON JUST HEADDESKING

CONSTANCE HURT HER

[dr garrison visibly crying] I MA PERFECTLY FINE

maam youre fully having a breakdown

uh oh! Brainsweeper for all of them!

WAIT NO NO YOU CANT END THERE

I mean I assume rhonda will show up but

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK

[brandycranby]

.

i just saw these insta posts about "yeah im a 35+ mom and im pregnant what of it? 🤪" and im like yayy good for you but as a kid of people who had me pretty late, um, your kid's going to have so much anxiety

you're going to retire and they're not going to have health insurance. you're going to have health problems, are they going to have to nurse you while they finish college and try to get a job? are you going to die before they get married or have another life milestone? how are they going to pay for your funeral? who's going to take care of them if a health problem takes you away early?

i know this is a selfish view of things, yeah you have a right to have kids at any age, good for you if you're rich enough to not worry about any of these things. but i have two friends whose dads are in their 70s now... they're both 1-2 years younger than me and still in college.

bit of an extreme example sure but my mom was 37 when she had me, now she's 60. im not even 25 yet. and i, im grappling with the mortality of the one constant person in my life, the only person i've truly loved with all my heart. her knees hurt, her hands hurt. she cant walk for long distances anymore bc of sciatic pain. she tires so easy and her eyesight has gotten so bad. and when they die, bc my dad's already 67, im going to be all alone in this country.

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Trying to slowly get back to writing so here it is some bitter ... fluff?

Pain

Is quite ironic.

The source of his power being both cut and disintegrated. His arms. It had nothing on there. Absolutely nothing. Only the mere replacement of plenty new robotic arms so that he couldn't just be more useless that he was already.

Yet it still hurt.

Torture he would discribe as. Every damn night or every time he closed his eyes his mind would replay the exact moment where that kid beaten him up, when he was taken away, when the van crashed and when the leader of the league of villains along with his commurates took away his hard work and arms.

It didn't even made sense to him why he would wake up in cold sweat and feel just the most amount of pain he felt on that day on where it was suppose to be his arms. Provably a psychological thing, but he didn't understand it neither want it.

He just want it to stop... why was he feeling pain on somwhere that it didn't even existed anymore..?!

His eyes burned as he narrowed them at his metalic hands resting on his thighs... if only he had been more careful with Eri... if only his damn pride didn't got in the way of doubting those brats... if only he had listen to the old man...

"A penny for your thoughts handsome?" He visibly flinched before looking over his shoulder and saw you wiping your hands after washing the dishes... a small smile yet aeyebrows furrowed in worry.

Those thoughts and pain were judt so terible that he almost forgot about the most good thing that thanks to heavens was left for him... You.

He would never understand it why you were still here with him. When he escaped Tartarus yoh only welcomed him woth open arms... not taling personappy the outburst he had on the first few months...

Sighing he only lifted hsi prostethic arm and managed to make a wave at you, a signal of him to tell it wasn't anything... you knew better than pry it out of him.

"I'm going to go take a nap, washing dishes has given me some back pain." You giggled while carefully wrapping your arms around his neck. His body answered to your actions by tensing up but slowly relaxing, subsconcipusly his head leaning into yours for just a bit.

He saw you going on your after brushing his mask and pulling it out of his face for just a bit to gige him a peck on the lips.

A shaky sigh left him, bitting his lip to prevent any sound to come out as he fept the pain come back ten times stronger than ever after you closed the door.

He didn't break it until now, and he wouldn't...

.

.

.

Your chest tightened and you felt yourself sick to the stomach due to the constant anxiety and distress you felt.

Kaai mever was one to open up to you. It took you years, YEARS, to find out that Pops wasn't even his biological father and to learn that his parents were absolutely horrible to him.

He would oftenome back to you with bruises, a bloody jacket, rarely with a bloddy nose after a fight on the underground or just some discussion. Yet he always remained with that neutrap and uncaring face of his. The most signal you would get from him that he was in pain or uncomfortable was his hives and by the way his muscles twitched and tensed.

You want it to help your boyfriend. You needed to. But how could you? The man had a ego bigger then the whole word and hated being touched or felt like he was a nuisance or worst, someone nothing.

Kai hated being touched or helped. Not used ti being cared or loved. The consequences of poor parenting and being rased in the mafia was pretty evident on him.

Yet oh how much you loved this man... despite his actions and flaws you swore you teared up every time you thought or just talked to someone about and your feelings for him.

So thats why you never leaved. No matter how many times Kai has gotten to the point of almost kicken you out of his life for what he says, "your own good".

You were about to sit down on the bed until your eyes widened at the sound of pans falling and crashing.

"Kai?" You spine carefully with a basevall bat already on your hand. Living with a now wanted criminal left you no choice.

Instead of an intruder or a cop, you saw the frame of the large shoulders of your boyfriend, metalic arms providing some ground for him on the kitchen counter as he panted as if he had ran a marathon.

"Oh my g- Kai?!" You left the baseball bat fall and came to him, hands hovering over his form as hives appeared on his face and neck as he breathed in and out, eyes clenched shut as sweat crawled down his skin.

"Kai honey please talk to me..." you begged with tears in your eyes as you saw him clenching his jaw so hard that you feared it could break.

"M.. Make it..-" he breathed out "..end."

It seemed that he was more talking to himself than to yoy but you still tried to remain your ground as one tear slid down your cheek.

"What needs to end?" You whispered as he grunted.

His eyes finally opened, the white of his eyeballs wasn't there anymore, instead some redness as he forced down the disgusting pained sob thag wanted to get out of his throat.

"Kai im begging you what is going on?" You cupped his cheek as the other hand took his mask off and saw his white teeth clenched together before you gasped when he dropped his head on your shoulder, curling his prosthetic arms on his chest.

"I cant bear it anymore..." it came his pained whisper as your heart almost riped out of your chest "Is not even there anymore so why does this keep hurting?!" He whispered shouted on your shoulder as you stood there in panick.

What was you suppose to do?!

Hands rubbing his back caustiously, you leaned your head against him as he trembled on your arms.

"What do you mean? Where does it hurt?" You whispered as you heard his unwanted sob manifest on the quiet dostant house you both got to get away from the heros and cops.

"I cant take it anymore angel!" He shouted as tears flew from his eyes "I just can't! It doesn't even matter anymore! Just fucking end me already! I beg you (Y/n)..." he sobbed in your neck as you hugged him... that was the only thing you could do.

Your tears dropped into his neck as you tried your best to understand him until you eldecided to rub the last remain of his arm and his shoulder... his breath hitched as.. his golden eyes widened as slowly his trembling got lower.

He shakipy breathed out as he moved his fake arms to bring you closer by the waist as he spoke the words that you swore that made your heart drop.

"Kill.. me."

Automacally you hugged him tighter as you sobbed immediately your denial as he finally quieted down.

"D-Dont ever ask me that!" You sluttered before pushing him a bit to rest his forehead against yours "Dont even think about it!"

His eyes were hollow and expression numb as he looked at the ground.

It was quiet until you saw his prothestic move to hold the left one.

"When my arms got stolen... I never imagined to still feel the pain as if they were still.. there. Comical..." he sighed, still not looking at you "Is torture.. my thoughts, head, body are being haunted and I just cant take it anymore... I... simply can't." He sighed, dropping his prostethics.

You furrowed your eyebrows before breathing in and staring angrily at your boyfriend. Making the decision that made him astonished.

Taking off his metalic arms from where they were attached to and starting to rub it with a concentrate face. His golden eyes wide open as he clenched his jaw and narrowed them a bit later to ask you what you were doing.

"Does here hurt? It makes less painful?" You ask, still not looking at him as he payed attention to his senses... it didn't. The usual pain he was beating thorugh almost a year was no where.

Shaking his head in shock you sighed and gently pressed your thumbs on his shoulders.

"Is like that. We dont simply deal with it..." your eyes locked with his "We search for a cure like you always did... so let me help?" You asked, eyes actually begging as his golden orbs stares back at yours before tsking... lowering his head on your shoulder once again so you couldn't see more tears threatening to leave his eyes.

"Idiot..."

[key-slam]

I cant even fucking bring myself to finish fucking cleaning, i havent showered since monday and genuinely cannot care for myself anymore. Idk how much longer I can do this and its fucking pathetic because theres barely anything wrong. I just cant fucking take it the fucking constant anxiety and all of my depression and the fucking physical pain and the sensory issues and just everything is too much. Sometimes i feel so fucking angry. I just need to take it out on something