#i cant let these things coexist as one i just cant it's too hard it doesnt make sense

[badcountryofficial]

It was always there it was never there it all existed at the same time

[faulty-writes]

Hii! I apologize if you keep getting notifications from me at such an hour but I cant get enough of your posts! I love the way you write Tenya!

So if I may trouble you just a bit longer…

Since it’s spooky season, what would your take be on vampire Tenya x f (or gn) reader? And vampire Monoma as well?

[ Oh I like trouble, trust me. Haha. Thank you. I swear I get so many compliments regarding how I write Tenya, makes me so proud of myself. One spooky season request coming up! ]

Despite being what many assumed was a "blood-sucking" creature, Tenya had a sense of elegance and self-discipline because of his upbringing. Yes, he was what most would refer to as a "rich kid" but he was not spoiled in any capacity and often adhered to his own rules which included having manners even when thirsty for blood.

Most found Tenya to be intimidating, but you found him intriguing despite initially being unaware of his true nature. The two of you met in a bookstore late at night and you recall the way he stumbled when he rounded the corner of a bookshelf to find you and the way he bowed and said "Pardon, I was unaware there was another frequenting this shop so late at night."

The two of you began to meet frequently at the bookstore after that, and although you thought it peculiar Tenya only requested to meet you at night. You assumed it was because he was busy during the day but in all truth, he was struggling to avoid revealing his true nature to you and feared that once you found out he was a vampire you'd…well you would not want to see him again.

He slipped one night, after pushing himself too far. Yes, self-control was essential. But one could only contain themselves for so long and vampires were particularly dangerous when deprived of blood. "I…I apologize I…I did not wish for you to see me as such a…monster," while initially a shock, you tried to be accepting and understanding of what he was.

Being the person you were, his vampiric world fascinated you, and he didn't hesitate to teach you about the history of his lineage or his nightly rituals which typically included performing a series of prayers, chants, and such before he drank whatever blood he had managed to obtain.

Unfortunately, Tenya also informed you of the dangerous side of his world. Mostly the rogue vampires who strayed from the societal rules of their world and killed or injured humans during their bloodlust. "I promise, I will not allow harm to come to you. Ensuring your safety is quite a priority." Yes…he would go to whatever lengths he needed to ensure you remained by his side.

To double ensure your safety, Tenya presented you with gifts frequently. Usually, these consisted of protective charms, blessed holy water, and amulets that were believed to ward off bad supernatural threats. Of course, he would never tell you the hoops he had to go through to get such gifts.

Sometimes it was hard to keep up with Tenya's schedule considering he was more active at night. But he assured you that he enjoyed your company and often insisted that you could rest when you appeared extremely tired. Waking up in his bed or falling asleep against his shoulder became a frequent occurrence for you.

His parents were hesitant to accept you and your growing relationship with their son. On the other hand, his brother, Tensei welcomed you with open arms. "It's awesome that my little bro finally found someone! And just to let you know, it doesn't matter if you're human, another vampire, or even a witch. I believe that people who look past such things are the coolest!" It was safe to assume that Tenya got his beliefs from Tensei.

"I believe with enough effort, we may eliminate the prejudice that separates our societies to coexist together in harmony," one of Tenya's deepest wishes was to break the barriers between his and your kind. Although he had not intended to feel affection for you, he did. Yet, he looked at it as the first step to uniting your kind as he dreamed.

Neito, unfortunately, was out of blood and sought to get it fresh from an unsuspecting human. That human happened to be you and he was only attracted to you because of the intoxicating scent of your blood. However, he quickly found that you were not a frail human and stood your ground far more than he expected.

While some would be embarrassed, Neito remained his ignorant self after realizing you were quite the troublesome individual. "How dare you reject me! I am Neito Monoma, and I demand you provide me with your blood!" As far as you were concerned, underneath his vampiric nature was nothing more than a spoiled child and you were prepared to discipline him as needed.

He continued to stalk you, despite finding alternative blood donors because as much as he hated to admit it, he found you intriguing. For a human that is, and used his sharp wit accompanied by playful banter whenever you caught him in his stalking efforts. "Surely you didn't think I'd leave you alone, oh no my dear, quite the opposite. I do not stop until I get what I want and what I want is your blood," and your affection, but he kept that to himself.

Your opinion of him didn't change until you were attacked by another one of his kind. Your guard was down initially because you had mistaken them for Neito, and despite your skills, you were losing the fight until he showed up and saved you. He'd be damned if he let another taste your blood before he got the chance to.

You detested the idea of letting him finally drink from you but considering his courageous actions. You allowed him the opportunity and found that he was surprisingly gentle when feeding from you. "Surely you didn't compare me to such monsters as that rouge one who attempted to take what is mine, how insulting. I pride myself in presentation and manners," he stated, acting just a touch too offended.

Despite not letting many people in, the two of you continued to spend time together, and Neito began to reveal his past. How he came from a high-class family, their rather…unbelievable expectations of him, and how he wishes to break free and prove his own worth to the world. Of course, that was a challenge given the current state of discrimination toward his kind, but he was still determined to do whatever he could to make his dream come true.

He finds himself feeling peaceful when in your presence and this was new to him and something that gave him a sense of belonging. It was almost as if being in your presence kept his demons at bay and he partially wondered if you wore any protection symbols or amulets on your person.

On occasion, Neito would still struggle with the affection he felt for you and his nature. Vampires were strong, drank blood, and didn't hesitate to do what they wanted to obtain said blood. But even though he knew you would allow him to drink from you. He found that he didn't want to cause you any harm and thus the conflict continued but he kept this a secret from you.

Eventually, Neito agreed to allow you to meet his family. Although it was immediately apparent, they detested you merely because you were human and spoke ill of Neito for befriending and furthermore feeling the way he did toward you. "Humans are meant to be our food source, nothing more," they said which caused Neito to argue with them before ultimately dragging you out the door.

Despite your unusual relationship, Neito viewed it as fulfilling his commitment to protect and cherish you for as long as you lived, and from what he understood, that was for a short time. He planned to propose to turn you but decided to wait to bring that up. For now, he'd enjoy your company.

[lindalofbroome]

lief: so where's barda jasmine: he's looking for the belt of deltora lief: he's wHAT

31 - Essence of Rodda

'Despair is the enemy. Do not let it defeat you.' [Zeean whispered.] DELTORA QUEST 3 The Sister of the South Ch 9 The Yellow Notice

'Norris!' shouted Rowan, shaking him. 'Even if you are right — even if we have been led by some evil force into a trap — we cannot just lie down and die!' ROWAN OF RIN Rowan of the Bukshah Ch 13 The Climb

'So it is not too late, Rye! We still have a chance to stop that future from happening! It is not too late!' [said Sonia] THE THREE DOORS The Third Door Ch 23 Three Doors

And she imagined what her companions on the shore were seeing — a dishevelled girl in a flaring red skirt, surrounded by a throng of fawning ghosts. No wonder Sky and Jewel had fled from her as soon as they were able. She quelled the wave of misery that threatened to engulf her. She had always been haunted by her past. The wraiths were just the visible sign of it. STAR OF DELTORA The Hungry Isle Ch 6 The Glittering Shore

👇👇👇👇

[ben wyatt voice] it's about the perseverance through suffering 👌

👆👆👆👆

there's a bunch of other stuff like double meanings and being epic and found family that i wanted to do but in the end i didn't have time for lol and so i had to chase the serotonin for this last post and make a bad joke out of it to motivate me adfKSDJFH but also so serious

the suffering is not the end; there are horrors AND delights; you lose when you give up; not everything is as it seems but also multiple interpretations can coexist; i know this is so sappy and kids cartoons but it's so real hope is everything and can counter the overwhelmingness of despair; choose to be optimistic, to love, to be happy

you're gonna really feel that in DQ3 because of the high stakes but this is also like the very essence of rowan of rin. he's always being surprised when the big heroic models of courage break down, but they've never had to keep moving forward and doing so scared the way he has. norris was overconfident but he's never had to face something like the cold time and the Mountain, but this is rowan's like hundredth rodeo. this is not to dunk on norris at all but just the way that rowan of rin directly and indirectly shows courage and perseverance

anyway this was supposed to be our beloved trio being a family and looking after each other but it turned into post-mask and then i forgot i cant halfass things to save my life this was supposed to be a crappy shitpost but then i was looking up so much cirque du soleil references trying to figure out what they might wear lol. they might not actually be wearing costumes but the other acrobats with jasmine were so why not put her in one too and then how could bess not resist dressing lief up in her son's clothes etc

so lief's outfit is like a preliminary costume before a more grander and brighter one if he became fully integrated into their circle. i keep searching up baby bird and forgetting that im going to see some gangly pink guys lmao

jasmine's acrobat troupe were described as just blue costumes from what i found. and i was like. UH OH. because i was gonna have to work soooooo hard to differentiate from bede's blue bird vibe. i thought i'd go for a lighter blue than the sorta. royal blue i give him usually. and then it got me thinking sky blue. the perform acrobatics up in the air. they reach for the sky. they up there in the sky. sky costume.

[lostacelonnie]

True but thats like. Part of the charm almost. All the issues. Yeah thankfully the days are lengthening again & the terrible holiday season has finally passed, which made me. So tired. Hence my response delay. Yeah they should chill but im glad that the last bit was. Easy for you? I was around my family for like. A day. & it was exhausting i can only imagine what a week takes out of you. I wish more americans were like that some guy tried to talk to me a bit at the theater yesterday when i went to see godzilla minus one & it was exhausting. Also funny story everyone at my work was so exhausted last week i said something in spanish to my co worker from el salvador & he completely did not understand because of exhaustion. Oh that pretty cool. I had to learn so that i wasn't like. Having sandwiches & ramen all the time & now im trying to find time to make my own bread so like. Slippery slope. But yeah knowing a few recipes is always a good idea. Thats always the best, having friends who are chill with quiet. Does anyone have a good school? I will believe in the process because star rail is also giving me that pain with argenti's story quest & ruan mei's swarm thing. Ah okay so antimatter legion but less controlled in a way. Oh so thats what herscherr means. How come some have like multiple herscherr forms if ive seen right? Entymology is very interesting i love it. I sure need to remember traces & such more i keep forgetting. & it shows in my multi target dps characters. Worlds worst wingwoman indeed i love her. Cant wait to get further into it & see more claire. Roguelikes are a lot of fun i enjoy them greatly. I thought they would annoy me but hades proved me wrong. Noita sounds fun ill check it out at some point. Himeko mvp of all time she better survive penacony. Whoa that's a lot of seele lore. I love her damn. Explains her a bit in star rail too. What with sea of quanta, themes of death, scythe as a weapon. Also cocolia connection. And bronya really went hard for seele damn i love her too. Are her legs being broken why she like. Uses something to hover in the game? Have any other bronya facts? Or mei? Im glad your polish post radar works so well.

it really is ADHFGLSKFKG. and god yeah FINALLY. also happy new year!!!!!! very late but still!!!!!! this was my first week back in school after the holidays [well. actually it was Two Days] but im already tired. aooougugh. but oh well! GOD. my family In General is like. Fine. i really dont mind them. but i have to stay with my grandma who is just impossible to coexist with...... luckily my mom allowed me to mostly just hang out in our room and not interact with her that much since she shares my opinion. and augh that sounds. Irritating. i enjoy being left the fuck alone. AHDKKS it really is like that........ on wednesdays we have 8 am classes with the one teacher we have that speaks Exclusively spanish so we often do a irl co op mission with the entire group if we wanna convey like literally any message to her. and oh understandable!!! im probably gonna end up the same way sjfkgj. my mom never really taught me to cook since she doesnt like to do it [which, i get it] but i personally really enjoy the process so well see how that goes. AND FOR REAL i genuinely do not believe theres such thing as a good school. or even a Normal school. also fairrrrrr i actually returned to star rail for ruan mei [<- not immune to Pretty Autistic Women] and also had trouble with the swarm boss...... actually made me update my clara build. can you believe this. but tbh i havent done argentis quest yet and im fully spoiler free so im gonna see how that goes JDJGKKSJG. and yeah!! and with multiple herrscher forms its like. usually people obtain multiple herrscher forms either in like. change in belief? approach? which lets them harness other parts of their power [or add new ones], like in the case of HoFlamescion or HoTruth; merge [HoRimestar]; or find a new external source of their power [CE HoOrigin, HoFinality]. but i dont believe its ever explained in Detail so yeah. but generally, the power of a herrscher is stored in their herrscher core, so obtaining multiple cores can give people multiple authorities [like in the case of sirin]. but as i said, typical Honkai Confusion. ETYMOLOGY IS SUPER FUN YEAH...... and for real. if manaria has 1000 fans i am one of them if manaria has 1 fan its me against the world if manaria has no fans i am dead. noita IS fun but i should warn you youre not gonna get anywhere without external guidance. i mean. Maybe you will but its gonna be frustrating as hell and near impossible. its that kind of game. but the fanbase knows that and is actually very helpful!!! solving this games secrets is a team effort. as of right now i have 63h in and 2 wins [got one today, actually! congrats, me.] but i rec it heavily. its fun. AND YES GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HI3 FANS SCARED ARE FOR HSR HIMEKO. they cant take her from us again............ AND YES SEELE. I LOVE SEELE. its actually canon she has a kind of "you are not immune to seele" aura that makes people unable to say no to her bc of just how much of a lovely person she is. and yes that is the reason bronya floats around ingame!!! AND WELL. due to the fact that bronya and mei are both a part of the Main Trio, telling you. literally Any amount of lore about them would take me way too fucking long. and im so sorry but im just mentally unable to do that. and thank you o7 polska gurom ‼‼‼‼💯💯💥🔥💥‼💯🔥💥

[rjshepofftheshits]

More luxu rambelings???

I just can't bring myself to let luxu go from canon BC I just love him sm. I know people want him to just be bad, no redemption arc but my middle name is redemption au so obviously I'm doing one for kingdom hearts

lol i say i love him then proceed to torture him for several paragraphs

I'm in the " people deserve to be able to redeem themselves " and " you are under no obligation to forgive someone for their actions" can and should coexist camp. ive applied this in this au to xemnas, ansem and even Young xehanort ( ill rambel about him later but tldr he doesnt go back to the past at the end of kh3 like hes meant to, a replica of him does purely because i wanted to keep him in the future but ill elaborate on the story reason for it later.)

Post kh4 luxu definitely falls closer to the " no forgiveness" end of that scale. AU Xemnas worked hard and eventually endeared himself to people, even kairi who he kinda got killed. ok maybe hes not totally forgiven, maybe he never will be but he's at least accepted by the majority. Ansem has his own little neich and a casual but friendly relationship with riku, provided he doesnt talk to much. YMX is acting like a kid, finally having the normal youth that was ripped away from him by MOM . Luxu on the other hand just sort of....gives up. He's not su#idal or anything he just sort of stops caring. the norts try to bring him round, show him if they can do it he can too but... He's broken beyond measure, he doesn't have the strength of will to try any more and loses a sense of self/ego. If someone tells him to do something, he does it, if they tell him to go , he leaves without protest. im not even sure hed defend himself if attacked, he probably just stand there and take it or maybe try to run? after going through this nightmare existance for the last 250+ years , for him to be the only forteller left ,for all the misery he caused only for it to mean nothing in the end is soul crushing. needless to say his sense of self-worth is lower than dirt. Luxu really seems to believe he deserves this dogs abuse for what hes done.

I cant imagine how lonely he was before kh4 but now after its all over and hes burned every bridge hes ever walked, hes completly desolate and renounced by everyone. worst part is, its kinda his own fault.

i think he tries to go back to radiant garden, if for no other reason than getting yelled at by people you know is preferable to being compltly abandoned and outcast. he feels a little comfort from being in the castle but the radient garden gang are none to happy to see him. Ienzo is pleasant if short, surprised to see him . the others however are not, ranging from dismissive, rude and cold attitudes from even and Aeleus right up to outright hostile and violent from Dilan. Dilan is normally pretty calm all things considered but when he sees Luxu standing before Lord Ansem, asking for forgiveness and to stay with them for a little its fucking on sight . Aeleus escorts him out before Dilan can REALLY hurt him but not before reminding him he isnt welcome there anymore. He accuses him of just apologising to assuage his guilt and not because he's actually sorry for all the shit he put them through, which isn't untrue but he really is sorry if you would just hear him out for 5 seconds . Understandably Aeleus shuts the door in his face. He might want to apologise but they dont want to or arent ready to hear it and he knows trying to force that on them would do more damage than good .Luxu still hangs around castle town for a few days licking his wounds in both a literal and figurative sense before deciding that the others are right to be angry and gives up on them.

(just imagine that simpsons clip with bart and lisa "you can actually pinpoint the second his heart rips in half")

whats even worse about all this is that i imagine post kh4, luxu has no keyblade. think about it, all the other fortellers have their own keyblades but luxu gets the master of masters old one. its already covered in scratches by the time he gets it so it cant be made from his heart like all other keyblades, it has to be MoM's. and since MoM is gone now in this au, that means his keyblade is gone too. so lets sumarize. luxu has : no friends, no home, no keyblade and no purpose. i imagine he's feeling pretty low

but because im horrible im going to make it worse.

You remember the subplot of maleficent looking for the book of proficies? well after all this she still hasnt found it but she does now know Xigbar is luxu and who luxu really is. So, understandably she decides to ask him a few friendly questions on the subject by which i mean string him up and slash him with vines until he tells her what she wants to hear.

Listen ive been talking consistantly about how broken and at a loss luxu is but if theres one thing to bring back his defiant streak its this bs from maleficent. homeboy has been holding his tongue for nearly 3 centuries, hes not going to break for a dramatic witch and her pet furry.

Frustrated with her lack of success maleficent takes him back to radient garden and threatens to chuck him off a cliff into an abyss or maybe the water treatment turbines. Luxu is still defiant, even weak and bleeding from her interrogation. He doesn't want to die particularly, he's never read the book of profocies but she doesn't know that. if it means fucking with maleficent then he's happy to go and nip her dumb plans in the bud.

now in my little headcanon its my oc shep whos looking out for him. she has a similar backstory, being burdened with a great task, much older than her physical appearance would suggest so she feels a little kinship with luxu, despite how he's hurt her but for the sake of keeping this somewhat canon compliant so other people can enjoy it lets say dilan takes her place.

Sorry to the luxu stans out there I'm just whumping this man for his life.

Just when it seems like she's about have Pete fling him over the edge something bonks Pete in the head and clatters to the floor. Luxu might be weak from injury or bloodloss but he's not stupid, he might have to crawl but he's getting away from these assholes, kicking Pete in the shins for good measure. Absolutely no prizes for guessing who it is that's come to rescue him.

The radiant garden gang cannot stand maleficent. Ok they gave up their hearts but SHE was the one to drag radiant garden into the darkness, squatting in their home like a frog for 10 years. Dilan is still mad as hell but he's also not just about to sit there and let that arrogant witch have her way. They can't beat her, not even with the 5 of them but thankfully she's not looking for a fight. She and Pete retreat for now, promising to come back for luxu and some answers. Even Even takes that shit personally and is ready to throw hands with her if she ever comes back. Luxu is just sort of sat in stunned silence even as he's ushered into the castle to have his wounds treated.

Things are a little bit tense but they can't exactly leave luxu to die from infection or exposure. Until someone makes a joke Like " damn even didn't know you had it in you" followed by some bravado from a usually fairly risk adversed Even, and a little alughter all round. Even Dilan has a small smile and for maybe just a moment everything feels normal again for luxu like maybe there's a little hope after all.

on that topic i think i will call this the golden au after Kintsugi, the art of repairing broken things with gold. It's not the same as before but the breaks are part of its beauty

There's a quote I'm fond of that is "

You don't need another Human Being to make your life complete, but let's be honest. Having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn't see them as disasters In your soul, but cracks to put their love into, Is the most calming thing In this World." And damn if luxu doesnt appreciate having a little love poured into his cuts...even if it is followed by stinging antiseptic and some admonishing words.

[fairycosmos]

hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

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[khaleesiofalicante]

OK I GOT 5 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT WHICH IS PRETTY OK IG (I did stay up to read the fic-) BOTH MY TESTS WENT LIKE SHIT, I HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK IN PROGRAMMING CLASS BECAUSE BY TEACHER IS A LITTLE SHIT WHO KEPT ON YELLING AT ME WHEN I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING AND I SPENT LUNCH ALONE BUT AT LEAST NOW IM ALONE WITH MY LAPTOP SO YAYAYAYYA

first of all, this chapter right here is my comfort chapter from now on. i said what i said. I will be rereading it again and again just because i can. it was PERFECTION

here's me going crazy at 2 am yesterday.

MAGNUS' CHAPTER

LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO

AHHHHHHH IT'S THEIR ANNIVERSARY

SCREAM

oh

alec shaved his beard because it made him look older

RAFAEL WAS SO UPSET AFTER THE MEXICO ATTACK BECAUSE OF ANJALI RIGHT??

magnus and alec are the oblivious parents istg

“Are you decent?” Max yelled. “I don’t want to be traumatized again.”

“Hey! We agreed not to talk about that!” Alec yelled back.

Im not even surprised at this point

“Happy anniversary, bapa!” Rafael kissed him on the cheek and handed him the flowers.

“Where are my flowers?” Alec asked.

Rafael plucked a rose from the bouquet and threw it at Alec. “Here you go.”

“Thanks, son,” Alec mumbled.

IM WHEEZING

DAVID BAKES

“David made it,” Max said shyly. "

Oh,” Alec replied and then shrugged. “Well, the icing could be a little sweeter I think.”

Ever since Max started dating, Alec had become incredibly protective. Alec liked David of course – it was impossible to find someone who didn’t. But that didn’t mean Alec approved.

And it didn’t help that the blond boy was absolutely terrified of Alec.

ALEC STOP TEASING HIM

THE BOY IS ALREADY SCARED

“I don’t know,” Alec analysed the card. “David used too much glitter.”

“Since when do you have a problem with excessive glitter?” Max demanded.

ALEC

“I didn’t use him!” Max huffed. “He was thoroughly compensated for his efforts!”

“Compensated how?” Alec asked.

“Uh,” Max said. “With donuts.”

when i saw donuts i immediately thought of rose and luisa from jtv

iykyk

but should i continue the show? i got tired of jane continuously embarrasing herself

“You expect us to follow rules?” Alec asked in surprise. “In our own home? On our anniversary?”

The warlock boy grinned wickedly before leaning close to Alec.

“You better do it, or I will tell everyone about your secret,” Max whispered.

Alec blinked at that.

the secret...

I DONT LIKE HOW MANY THINGS POPPED INTO MY HEAD

is highschool musical that bad? i havent watched it. should i?

what if i cried

i just wanna hug alec??? but i cant say it'll be ok because it wont

“Is that why you are not attending?” Magnus grinned at his friend. “Or is it because you are terrified of Georgia?”

“That child is the reincarnation of Christopher Lightwood!” Ragnor complained. “I heard she made explosives out of demon ichor! Who makes explosions out of demon ichor?”

RAGNOR IS PROBABLY GETTING FLASHBACKS

THESE STUPID FUCKING BITCHES

how tf do you think we have survived huh??

medicine that's how

vaccines, anti biotics and what not

stop being close-minded and fucking do it

ok i know the risk is great

BUT OTHERWISE THEY ALL DIE

it was different for warlocks. The Shadow World was their universe. The nephilim kept it safe. At one point in their lives, they had learned to coexist with them, out of necessity and out of obligation.

And now here they were – working together in the name of friendship and love.

how things change...

what

say what

the causes are what

ok let's not jump to conclusions

im fucking crying wtf

alec doesnt deserve this shit

all he's done is make the world a better place

hes worked so hard on this

RAZIEL CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF

what am i supposed to say to my parents if one of them comes to check on me and im sitting here crying at 2 am

He didn’t want to believe in a reality that would punish Alec. Alec who only wanted to do what is good and right.

Alec was who was losing his hope and strength every passing day. Alec who was struggling. Alec who was turning to desperate measures to cope with all the stress.

please alec

no please

THE ANGELS ARE BITCHES

Because if Magnus found out Raziel was the one causing all this pain for Alec, he would march up to heaven and set the bastard on fire himself.

AND I'LL GO WITH HIM

KNEW THE SPY WAS LIVVY

AWW RAGNOR LIKES SELENA THATS SO SWEET

blue and gold

STOP IT IM CRYING AGAIN

The shadowhunter was a good influence on him. Magnus hoped Alec would see it sooner rather than later.

HUH

HUHU

HUH

omg

GIGI GETTING A SIBLING

“Max isn’t allowed to do a lot of things,” Magnus chuckled. “But he does them anyway.”

thats my boi

GASP

]THE NECKLACE

rafael is growing into the consul voice

they grow up so fast

nope nope he's still the little 5 year old

voice cracking what do you mean he's 20

im glad hes happy with mila. or is he...?

Magnus had deduced as much. Alec lived in his beautifully oblivious world. But Magnus noticed.

He noticed the hickeys. He noticed the late-night visits. He noticed the tense phone calls.

well thank god there's at least one non-oblivious person (alec i love you so much but you are very very oblivious)

“What’s stopping you then?” Magnus asked.

"2554 miles,” Rafael chuckled sadly.

me with all my online friends

probably more miles

Magnus tried to do the math but promptly gave up.

me

But Alec did lie though. Magnus pushed the thought away.

NOT NOW

LET ME LIVE IN PEACEFUL OBLIVION

HUSH

“Except melt it?” Rafael chuckled.

“Yes,” Magnus chuckled back. “As you can see, the bar is extremely low in the Lightwood family.”

AHHIUCCDSKUHDCV

i have no clue what the words describing the outfit are

time to google

OK PRETTY

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of loving and Alec still made his heart stutter.

dont do this to me right now I WILL CRY

“What the hell?” Max exclaimed. “Why are you all dressed up?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, it’s my anniversary,” Alec chuckled.

Max-

Fifteen years. Fifteen years and Magnus still took Alec’s breath away.

HJCSDHJBJDHSGCDYGJVVC JHVDFYMJ

it's not funny MY EYES ARE WATERING

“Bapak is a good looking one in the family,” Rafael pointed out. “You are the chaotic one and I am the smart one.”

“What am I then?” Alec asked dryly. “A sack of potatoes?”

“You’re the sexy one,” Magnus grinned. “A sexy sack of potatoes.”

yes.

Alec grinned back and leaned forward. Magnus put his hands around Alec’s neck and kissed him. He kissed Alec with all the love he had inside his heart.

Just like the first time. Just like the hundredth time. Just like the thousandth time.

Because with Alec, every kiss mattered. Every single one.

muffled sob

“Stop making out, oh my god!” Max groaned.

Magnus sensed a pillow coming their way but Rafael caught it before it hit them.

“Max, stop!” Rafael scolded. “You will wrinkle dad’s suit and ruin bapak’s hair! I spent hours ironing both!”

why is max me when i see people display affection in front of me

ALSO RAFAEL HKUIUIDCSKIHUDFVHJDFVHU

“They are here,” Rafael said. “You two better look exactly the way you did when I left with Max or I will raise hell.”

IM SCREAMING

Selena was wearing a blue crop top with the words “MIND YOUR OWN UTEREUS” written in gold.

i need that top

DAVID'S SHIRT IS THE COLOR OF MAX'S MAGIC

AHH ISABELLE DOESNT KNOW SHE'S PREGNANT YET

The argument of “who gave the best gift” had started when Jace and Izzy had gotten drunk on vodka. It didn’t help that Alec had gotten drunk as well. All three Lightwood siblings had then proceeded to have an argument about who had the best spouse. The whole night had been drunken chaos. Magnus, Clary and Simon had let them have it since the Lightwood siblings had a tendency to carry the world on their shoulders even when nobody asked them. They rarely ever let loose ever since their worlds had plunged into sickness and demon attacks. Especially Alec. So, Magnus had let his husband be that 18-year-old boy again. The boy who got drunk and fought with his siblings and sang songs about Magnus’ pretty eyes.

OH MY GOD THE CHAOS

Georgia considered that. “I’m not allowed to melt it, right?”

“No,” they all replied in chorus.

LET GIGI MELT IT

SELENA IM SO PROUD OF YOU

“Dad,” Max said. “Can you keep a picture of me wearing this necklace in your office?”

“Why?” Rafael asked.

“I think it will piss off the boomers,” Max giggled.

“Nice!” Lexi grinned. “A downworlder wearing a shadowhunter heirloom? They will lose their heads. Uncle Alec, you must do it.”

“I will do you one better. I will hang a tapestry,” Alec chuckled.

YASSS I CANT WAIT FOR THE SHADOWHUNTERS TO BE PISSED

AWW THEY DIDNT KNOW THE NECKLACE USED TO BELONG TO MAGNUS

he actually gave to camille first-

Why couldn’t this boy just cause chaos during his travel year like the rest of them? Why did he actually study and do his research as recommended?

why would you NOT study and research during your travel year????

oh shit

well well well

david bby stfu

i love you but pls stop speaking for all our sakes

“Holy shit,” Max said. “It is expensive then!”

“Don’t pawn the ruby!” Rafael warned.

MAX NO-

OH THE STONE COMES FROM EDOM

oh no

pls dont fight

oh so i was wrong about magus confronting him from that snippet

all you need to know is im sobbing right now and grammarly is the only thing making this coherent

dont mind me just

NO I FORGOT ABOUT MAX AND DAVID

GET BACK IN THE ROOM YOU IDIOTS

don't do this to me at 3 am

OK THE DILF PART

thank you for adding light into my life again

(me while editing this: today really isn't my day huh? i just slipped in rainwater outside my balcony because I heard rain and ran there. now my knee and back hurt and I think I sprained (?) my toe-

ANYWAY

wait im gonna go check out the rain and then continue editing this

ok i got bored of the rain)

that made me laugh through my tears

“Objectively good looking?” Jace snorted. “Excuse you, but my parabatai is smoking hot! He is a freaking prize, okay? If we had a magazine for hot shadowhunters, you would be on the cover page. Every single issue.”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Alec interrupted. “Magnus, are you happy? Now all my friends have told me I am pretty.”

“I said smoking hot,” Jace corrected.

“We are not being biased,” Clary pointed out. “It is the general consensus, Alec.”

“It’s true,” Lexi said. “So many people have asked me for your number, Uncle Alec. And I would have given it to them if I wasn’t worried about being turned into a marshmallow.”

LEXI DUHDUGHUDFCUHKVDFUIKFDU

“Dad, I don’t know why you are so worried,” Max said in a bored tone. “You’re a told DILF.”

David choked on his champagne and Jace patted him on the back.

“What the hell is a DILF?” Alec demanded.

“Oh, I know this one!” Jace said excitedly. “It means Dashing and Irresistible Looking Father. Max is right, you are a total DILF.”

“Mr. Herondale-” David raised a hand.

“I heard one of the shadowhunters in their travel year calling me a DILF too,” Jace said proudly.

THAT IS NOT WHAT DILF MEANS OH MY GOD

“It’s not a rumour,” Selena spoke up and passed her phone. “There is a group chat at Scholomance just to thirst after you.”

add me to it

ALL THE COMMENTS I CANT BREATHE

“Alec Lightwood can run me over with a Maserati and I would thank him.”

“Give me that,” Izzy grabbed the phone and started giggling. “Petition for Consul Alec Lightwood-Bane to stab me with his mortal sword.”

“Isabelle!” Alec hissed, cheeks flaming. “Stop it!”

“I want one!” Jace grabbed the phone now. “By the Angel!”

“Read it!” the kids yelled in chorus.

“I would gladly let Consul Lightwood-Bane inspect my mortal instruments,” Jace chuckled and threw the phone at David.

David shook his head vehemently and threw it at Max.

“My body is just a hole for Alec Lightwood,” Max read out loud and started laughing so hard that he fell off his chair.

Lexi grabbed the phone and giggled. “I want the Consul to strip off my runes among other things.”

She passed the phone to Gigi, who looked at the phone and look at Alec.

“Uncle Alec,” the girl said. “This person wants you to crush them with your massive archer arms.”

“Give me that,” Rafael grabbed it now. “Aw, this one is a classic, dad. Alec Lightwood turned me gay.”

He threw the phone at Simon, who stared the screen and looked up. “Uh, I don’t think I can read this one out loud in front of the kids.

“Is this the one about the basement?” Selena chuckled and Simon nodded.

WHAT'S THE BASEMENT ONe

TELL ME

AWW GIGI AND LEXI PUTTING MAKEUP ON DAVID AND MAX RECORDING IT

google translator time

oooo Rafael's gonna talk with Mila

Magnus you're such a good father

seriously

“Sometimes things are just sad. So, you need to let yourself be sad.”

YES

SAY IT LOUDER

THEY ARE UNDER THE BED

AHHH MAX AND DAVID

DAVID CALLED HIM MY ANGEL IN FRENCH

Alec and Magnus hiding under the bed and spying on them is just-

Jace had tried to give Max the shovel talk and had gotten a little too emotional.

of course, he did smh I love him so much

“David doesn’t need a shovel talk,” Alec smiled. “He knows what would happen to him if he hurts my son.”

David gulped. “You will throw me into the silent city?”

“I will ask me husband to portal you to hell,” Alec said – Consul Voice. “We have relatives there.”

the beloved relatives yes

“Goodnight,” Jace gave them a salute. “Have fun inspecting Magnus’ mortal instruments.”

JACE

OH SO THE QUESTION WAS ABOUT SMOKING

damn it

oh my god guys he said he'll stop smoking

just lemme have this moment

my boy's lungs will be intact

HIS LUNGS WILL BE OK

“I can’t wait to see all the messages on the chat after that,” Magnus giggled.

Alec looked up. “I’m more than a tall glass of water, Magnus!”

SCREAMING

In his dream, he saw them again. But they weren’t smiling this time.

what

wait

THE PROPHETIC DREAMS

nope nope nope

Nah I don't know what you're talking about

haha

damn, I think I really hurt my back...

OK BUT THE IMMORTALITY ANGST???? WAS SO SO GOOD???? I know it makes me cry but is it bad that I'm always so excited for angst written by you because of HOW GOOD it is????

"When I die I will love you from my grave" I NEED THIS ON MY FOREHEAD OH MY GOD I LOVE THESE TWO SO SO MUCH

alright I need to get something for my back and my knee (I'm home alone so this will be fun)

OK, I THINK THE NEXT CHP WILL BE ANJALI'S POV I JUST FEEL IT!!! I miss my girl so much I hope she's doing ok. Jaime too...

I'm rereading all of these chapters after chapter 10 because why not. Bye!!

OKAY I AM GLAD YOU LIKED IT BUT I AM ALSO DEEPLY WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

I hope your knee and back feels better soon!

also fuck that teacher yelling something doesn't make people understand it any better ugh dumb piece of shit anyway screw that person.

I hope you get some good rest and recovery from this rollercoaster of a day.

Take care!

[hello-yue-here]

Yuetara, zukka, and maiko

yuetara

ship

1) its not one of my main ships. i dont rlly read fanfic for them but if i see a cute fanart of them ill enjoy it and i think i first started shipping it because of good fanarts for them.

2) i like yuetara because of how similar they are. theyre both women from the water tribe. they both understand the misogyny that they have faced. and they both said f sexism im gonna be a strong woman. i also love the tui and la parallel. moon spirit and ocean spirit parallel COME ON. YUE IS THE MOON. KATARA IS THE MOST POWERFUL WATERBENDER. THEY ARE THE OCEAN AND THE MOON. the push and pull they could give eachother. that dynamic ftw.

3) i guess if i didnt like something about this ship would be the fact that if i read a fic or see a fanart w yuetara then than means in that particular au i wont get any yuekka and yuekka is probably my second favorite ship. but then again if i get yuetara than i could get a plethora of other sokka ships to go with it so my sadness disappears in like two seconds. gosh shipping is hard sometimes until you remember ‘hey i have like fifty different universes in my head. all ur ships can coexist in ur brain olivia’ other than that i really see no downsides to this ship. maybe i wish it had more content. maybe if it had more content id ship it a lot more but its not one of the more popular ships so the content is kinda few n far between on my feed.

zukka:

SHIPPP

1) my boys. my babies. my loves. i watched this show for the first time when it came out on netflix and when it ended i really didnt ship anything other than kataang. i came onto tumblr to find fun atla content and one of the very first things i saw under the atla tag was zukka content. i was like oh? whats this? zukka? interesting... i was intrigued so i found a list of fic recs and i fell in love with the ship. the rest is history. its probably my number one ship because it was my very first ship here and im nostalgic

2) oh boy there is so much i like about this ship. i relate to a shit ton of characters in atla. but sokka and zuko may be the ones i relate to most. i relate to sokka because i tend to feel second best a lot to my friends. i try to stay positive but things rarely go the way i plan or hope for them too and while im happy for my friends and their achievements i oftentimes find myself thinking why cant that be me? and i see this a lot in sokka especially in sokkas master. i dont feel special a lot and idk seeing sokka feel the same way and then realizing he is special kinda helped me realize that im special too. on the flipside i relate to zuko because i have wild anger issues and difficulty dealing w my emotions a lot as well. i get broody and short tempered and insecure very often and i tend to push people away and i refuse to ask for help (the amount of teachers and adults and therapists who have told me its okay to ask for help ur not any weaker because of it is astounding. do i listen to them? .....im working on it.) and i saw a shit ton of this in zuko. book one and two zuko rarely asks for help as seen in the blue spirit and zuko alone and he pushes away uncle so many times and even when the gaang iffers to help him in i think its the chase he tells them to leave. when he finally has his redemption and joins the gaang and lets them kinda become a better person i was so happy. i want that for myself yk. seeing him finally win the agni kai and overcome his family that always told him he was nothing was such a win. my sister and i get along but when we were children we were very much like zuko and azula. it was extremely competitive all the time and there was so much toxicity and sibling drama to a concerning extent. we get along great now which im very happy about but yeah their sibling relationship hit a lil too on the nose for me. seeing as i relate to these character so much and want them ti be happy i want to live vicariously through them so seeing them together is amazing for me to project into them. i love projecting onto fictional characters and with them i can project onto BOTH so its a winwin. plus so many zukka fics are so well written and heartwarming and heartbreaking and emotional and fluffy anf UGH the talent here us astounding.

3) what do i not like about the ship? again the list is long. oops. mainly the toxic shippers. there are so many toxic zukka stans that sometimes make it hard for me to enjoy this ship but hey! thats what the block button is for:) i despise how often people infantilize zuko and completely ruin his character for the sake of making him a soft weak lil boy who needs protecting. thats just not zuko for me. and ive seen many many accounts even state that this kind of portrayal of zuko is rooted in racist stereotypes about asian men (now i am white so i personally have never experiences racism but i feel the need to bring that up because it is wrong and attention needs to be brought to it because a lot of poc fans have criticised this) and the same for sokka. some ppl rlly skew his character and make him a big strong brute and hypermasculine and once again poc fans have said that this take is rooted in racist stereotypes. again! these are just my opinions! this is my favorite ship! but i think its important to acknowledge some of the bad parts of our ships as well and be critical where criticism is needed :))

maiko

ship

1) I LOVE MAIKO. “i dont hate you” “i dont hate you too” BRUH. my little heart just burst into flames. im sorry guys but maiko is so cute. they hate everything except eachother. BRUH that is one of the cutest tropes. i shipped them the moment i saw them together onscreen and i was so happy when zukos face lit up in the finale when mai came back.

2) “i hate everything but i have a soft spot for you” TAKE MY MONEY I AM A SUCKER FOR THIS. they are so cute together. like zuko is rarely happy in a majority of atla but mai makes him happy and i- 🥺🥺 HE DESERVES IT. and mai is always so supportive of him. when hes stressing out about the war meeting she tries her best to comfort him. and zuko cares about her too. he may not be the best at showing it but oh my god hes TRYING HIS BEST. i think its a very accurate portrayal of teenage relationships because they arent perfect and they do fight but like,, every teenage relationship does that. and even after everything and how he left her in the fire nation she still had his back at boiling rock. she still risked her life against azula to save his butt.

3) the thing i hate about maiko isnt even about maiko. its about antis who think mai is toxic and that zuko deserves better. that has got to be the worst take ive ever heard. they had a fight in ember island. that is NORMAL. they are teenagers. they are not perfect. but underneath all the rough edges and things they need to work out they still care about eachother so freaking much. i genuinelt believe that neither of them would do anything to intentionally hurt the other and i think thats what matters the most. if anything mai is the best girlfriend in the entire world because zuko fucked up like,, quite a few times. he got rlly jealous and dumped her thru a letter and ppl always say that mai was toxic for being mad at him for those two things. umm she had every right to be mad at him for both of those. and while zuko is allowed to feel his emotions and be angry sometimes as well sometimes he needs to think things thru and realize that hey maybe some if this jealousy is unfounded. BUT EVEN THEN. HE RESPECTED HER FEELINGS AND DIDNT TOUCH HER WHEN SHE SAID DONT TOUCH ME. HE RESPECTED HER. so i hate toxic maiko takes because they are literally so wrong in my opinion.

again all of these are just my opinions!! feel free to agree or disagree but please be respectful!! i will respect whatever u think as well because this is all just for fun :)

[relaxxattack]

its ok despite all my essays n angst i actually enjoy fluff/comfort the most so have some amongst some toast (i think thats what tubbo said his ghost vers would be?? idk but it is cute) hcs KDNSK

bc alive tubbo has such a difficult time with it i think toast would be bad at dealing with the whole "im a separate person from the alive version of me" deal, it takes a while for him to stop but he does because its painful to refer to himself as tommys best friend or ranboos husband or michaels father and just have that deepset regret when someone has a beat of silence and toast has to go "..or i used to be, i guess, haha"

he starts having fun with it, though. makes his own name for himself, does things he maybe wouldnt have done while alive. experiments with being a ghost, looks more into limbo and the afterlife and what even causes the separation. he doesnt drown himself in it, not truly bound to expectations like alive tubbo was. still works anyways, because he wants to, because tommy deserves his best friend back and ranboo deserves his husband and michael deserves his father. he isnt quiet when he firmly says that the true main reason is because tubbo deserves to be alive and happy and experience his life as himself, and that above all hes doing this because he deserves to find a way for them both to exist, to be happy and their own people and loved by themselves no matter who else loves them.

theres a connection established eventually. if we're to take rp/mc rules here, only one can really be around at a time, toast has to be off while tubbo is on and such. they make it work. if we're to take complete creative liberty, they coexist peacefully, even if awkwardly

tommy learns to be quieter for tubbo, holds a torch for them both whenever they walk in the dark, holds tubbos sleeve when tubbo cant see because he doesnt want tubbo to wander blindly but knows tubbo wouldnt want to be touched and risk reacting harshly to stimulation with touch too. ranboo helps him get used to stimulation again, lets his particles be soft glowing lights for tubbo to contast the bright fireworks, makes him earmuffs for when things are just too loud but tubbo doesnt want to block everything out completely. michaels already quiet, but foolish and his kids help set up fairylights in michaels room and michael makes blanket forts so tubbo can touch the ceiling of them as he lies down and he can exit at any time

its hard, sometimes. but tubbo makes it through, even in the times where others arent around to help. maybe limbo broke him for a bit there, but tubbos good at building, he can build himself back up -🎭🎪 (oh also tubbo being surrounded with soft things in general. the empty endless sky isnt great for keeping warmth, but fluffy blankets and big fur lined coats are)

TUBBO WITH SOFT THINFS TUBBO WITH EARMUFFS..... GOODNESS

[missjackil]

Hey Miss Jacki! Im sorry these wankers are giving you a hard time. I don't even know what you said that pissed them off but I'm sure they're just being dramatic. I don't always agree with your views on things but I believe you put a lot of thought into what you post and I've never seen you hateful towards anyone. Keep doing what you do, and don't let these entitled brats bring you down 🤎🖤💛💚💙

Hiya Nonnie! Thank you for your support! 🥰 but don't worry, I really don't care if people bad mouth me here. I  truly don’t. They don't know me and can’t hurt me and make themselves look worse than they could ever make me look so they're the least of my concerns.

What does bother me though is the fact they (and too many others) think what they do is okay, and their behavior is normal. Nonnie in question asked why us “boomers” can’t just be normal, while it's all these cyberbullies and people who think everything is hate, and “Think the way we think or you're CANCELLED!!” that are abnormal! Society can’t exist this way. We all like to know some like-minded people, but no one agrees with everything anyone has to say. 

I guess when some people hear their favorite actors, musicians, teachers and politicians speaking so hatefully about those who disagree with them, small minds think it must be the right thing to do. I’ll tell ya, I love Jared and Jensen with all my heart and I know I don't agree with everything they think, I'm not even sure what those thoughts may be, but they're not me, and Im not them, so I know we don't agree on everything. I don't care though they're still good dudes. Yet if they start talking shit on people they don't know too, Im no longer going to think they're good dudes and would probably stop liking them, long before Id accept nasty behavior.  Even if we agreed on whatever the topic was “The Sky is blue and anyone who thinks otherwise is deplorable, should never find work again and should be publically berated!!” Yeah no.... pass... I cant support that behavior.

I hope someone or something soon, wakes all these people up to how much harm they're inflicting on humanity and we get back to coexisting like we did 20 yrs ago and get even better from there.

[calangkoh]

I think if Ed, Al and Roy of both 03 and MH met each other they wouldn't get along. MH!Ed would hate 03!Ed for killing, while 03!Ed thinks MH!Ed is naive. MH!Roy would hate that 03!Roy gave up on Hughes and his dream, while 03!Roy would think MH!Roy a monster for choosing vengeance over morals. The Al's would be better, but mh!Al would get thrown off by 03!Al's instablity and anger issues, while 03!Al would see MH!Al as babyish in the vein of Fletcher Tringham.

oh i LOVE this game. thinking about them all meeting. 

i actually disagree and think theyd all be very empathetic toward each other, with some variations. i think MH characters would feel a lot of sadness for their 03 counterparts and wonder what could have pushed them.

but it comes down to interpretation and what you’re more interested in seeing, and i also am not as familiar or invested in the MH versions so i cant say how in character my interpretations are. 

if anyone wants to share more ideas on this id be super interested in reading! but for now my headcanons would be:

the eds: 03 ed has a feeling of inferiority to MH ed, who is taller, stronger, more accomplished, and fulfilled. he has everything he wants. and he’s also much louder and brasher than 03 ed whose become very worn down like an old man by the ripe age of 18 and i can legit see him finding MH overwhelming. if they met when they were younger they’d be bros. they’d constantly egg each other on and be annoying to everyone else, but have a blast with each other, while also doing everything to NOT talk about the sad stuff they share in their past. they know each other and its unspoken. but at the end of their respective journeys, MH looks at 03 ed with pity, and 03 ed looks at MH ed and he decides he understands Envy and how he felt seeing his father with a happy family that didnt include him. they’d be 50% awkward silence, 10% a maybe heartfelt talk (since both eds are very capable of those when they let their guard down), and 40% just discussing their lives and finding commonalities and eventually finding something to laugh and joke about. even if its self deprecating humor. both of them admire each others dedication to their brother and recognize they both did everything they could, but had different situations where different choices had to be made. now if a YOUNGER ed met an older ed in any combo, it’d be very different.

the als: if theyre both in the armor, they'd spend some time sharing stories but mostly just sit in comfortable silence, i feel, again with an unspoken understanding of each others struggles. al is pretty quiet and rarely shares his feelings or thoughts until they’re really strong, so i think they’d just sorta coexist. now if we’re talking restored al, post series for both of them, i can see a few routes, but just to pick one, i think fmab is going to feel like a babysitter for his (physically) younger counterpart, but they both are still very kind and sweet and excited to be back in their bodies and will probably go out collecting kittens together lol. but eventually something would give way and fmab al will realize how totally messed up 03 al is from his experiences, and 03 al will have resentment toward fmab al. like something would just slip out or 03 al would do something reckless or even self-destructive that fmab al just couldnt ever see himself doing, and 03 al will project his guilt and self-hatred onto his counterpart. 

the roys: now THESE guys i dont think would like each other, but theyre both mature and world-weary adults so its not like they would fight or anything. disagree and dislike each other, but never fight or argue about it. 03 roy is too sad and honestly slimy for MH roy, and MH roy is too....well like fmab ed is for 03 ed he’s just too much for 03 roy. MH is much louder and brasher and a more likable personality. also, MH roy is just...a better person kjahdgjkdgs. they’d probably get the sense of their differences right away, and decide to just go get a drink together rather than argue about them. they both were affected by the war and they miss having a drinking buddy so....yeah they’ll drink in silence, probably another unspoken thing that they’re toasting to hughes. 

the eds and als swapped: if fmab ed got to hang with 03 al (and for this we’re going only with post-series, since that’s where they all differ enough from their counterparts to make for interesting dynamics), he’d sense the Off-ness right away. like yeah this is def al, but somethings definitely off under the surface. he’d go big brother mode, since 03 al is physically much younger. 03 al, who is technically the same age as everyone else, prolly isnt a fan, since he’s used to being the caretaker and voice of reason and conscience to ed, but now hes got an ed, one that isnt even his ed, trying to tell him to more careful and stuff lol. 03 ed with fmab al is a less unique dynamic. fmab al would be doing what any al always does and tries to be that caretaker/conscience and like fmab ed, would pick up on his brother’s counterpart’s Offness right away. fmab al senses this ed has issues and is on top of it trying to get him to take better care of himself. and 03 ed would just be like...eh sure. he may wonder about this version of al and if he was a good enough big brother to his own al. since fmab al seems as wholesome and pure as ever, while his al is, as one anon put it, a stepford smiler (where the wholesome and pure behavior is more of a defense mechanism to hide pain underneath)

sorry for not including winry, but it just got to be too long, and i think they’d basically just be bros anyway regardless of when in their stories theyre meeting. theyd geek out and show each other automail stuff. and complain about how stupid their eds are. instant bffs. 

EDIT; ajdhjd i just wanna clarify that theres a lot of focusing on their differences to rlly emphasize the different spots they ended in (hence some dramatization), but 03 ed isnt just a depressed shut in and 03 al isnt a mess of a human reckless ed elric 2 (i feel like i accidentally imply this sometimes that he’s a totally different person when in actuality the change in als personality i often refer to would be very hard to detect) but when comparing them to their BH counterparts those differences are more clear because 03 does have them end up in much more fragile and challenging states. Overall theyd still have a lot in common (both als are genuine caring patient sweeties and both eds are heroic, bold, and extremely caring under a rough exterior) but if i just talked about their similarities then it wouldnt be an interesting dynamic to write or read about.

[zuzuslastbraincell]

Katara!

KATARA KATARA KATARA

why I like them

oh god where do i even start. katara just contains so many multitudes - she's sweet and feminine and caring and attentive but she's never reduced to just that, she's never just 'the girl', she's also allowed to get mad, to be petty, to laugh at her brother, to be headstrong and stubborn, to express vulnerability, to cry and to laugh, to make ridiculous facial expressions and *be* very expressive. she's dealing with a lot of trauma not simply from the loss of her mother but that loss represents also how her tribe have been decimated by the fire nation, how she's the last waterbender, how all this pressure exists on her shoulders (but also pride, but also determination, to bring it back) and that is expressed subtly throughout the series with the same depth and love that male characters are afforded with regard to their respective traumatic experiences. and despite all this she never tries to stop making the world good? She's always pushing for change, she's always wanting to make things better, she's relentless and doesn't give up when it comes to her vision for a better world... she has such a big heart. and that coexists with a deep anger in her, and deep hurt. Not to make an ocean metaphor so early on but she's as deadly and deep as the ocean but she chooses to be kind and warm and that's so powerful.

why i don't

honnestly while katara's instincts to mother people are a sad symptom of how she was forced to grow up to soon and automaically asigns herself a role of emotional responsibility she has mixed feelings about, i know that if katara tried to mother me, i would be annoyed. but that sounds more like a me problem.

favourite episode

oh it's either the episode where she beats the fucking shit out of pakku or it's the southern raiders. the first one because it's so gratifying to see how she's grown and developed as a bender and really come into her own. the second because... god i love how *messy* the southern raiders is, and it really taps into what i love about katara - she's flawed, she runs off on an ill-thought out revenge mission with zuko, she's got a great capability for darkness as she quite seriously considers murdering a man she has every right to loathe and to kill - but she chooses against it, in the end. it would not be right for her, if not him. she chooses what's right for her in the end.

favourite season

I'm gonna be a wee bit controversial and say book 1 had the best conception of katara's arc from student to master and really saw her grow and flourish, from someone yelling at her brother' oafish prejudice to a real master, that really solidified her as an idealist and presented that as the strength that is, that showed her struggling with petty jealousy of aang's progress and had her stumble in ways that made her character comeplling and interesting - like what an introduction to her character! book 2 had some fantastic moments but i can't think of anything particularly remarkable about hee character arc - largely because it tied into aang's romantic arc i think at this point. book 3 had some absolutely fantastic moments (scam queens katara and toph!! painted lady!! southern raiders!! the final agni kai) that really shone but also book 3 lays a lot of groundwork for fanon i hate (e.g. katara as the mom friend - wish that headcanon would die tbh)

favourite line

fuck there's a lot of good ones but my underrated fave is when sokka says he's kissed a girl before but she's never met her and katara says 'Who? Gran-gran? I've met gran-gran' and it's bruuutaaall

but my favourite serious line is 'I will never ever give up on people who need me'. powerful.

favourite outfit

water tribe anything!! and i actually think her book one/book two braids are her best hair. underrated katara hair. personally she looks just adorable in her parka in the flashback to when she was like. eight.

OTP

katara/personal fulfilment

katara/happiness

katara/fulfilling her goals and dreams

katara/loving minor background character who is never named

there's some ships i like in AU situations - yuetara is actually one i lov, especially with waterbender yue, i just love the whole sea/moon thing as well as katara and yue rebelling in loud/quiet ways, being girlfriends who refuse to have their lives defined by the expectations of older men, who have a great sense of duty towards their nations and won’t let gendered expectations stop them.

and most of you know i like the messy drama of katara/azula in a lighter AU situation where they're like, school or academic rivals, and the legacy of imperialism isn’t quite so personal (and azula makes better choices, obviously), but it’s not as much as i “ship” them as i just find the potential dynamic interesting, they’re both driven by a sense of duty for their home, it’s just that means *very* different things depending if you’re SWT or FN.

none of them are OTPs though - they’re more just fun thought experiments

brotp

katara & sokka - absolutely love their sibling dynamic its amazing. both have been impacted negatively by the shit in their lives and are not always dealing with it in functional ways but theyre there for each other, through thick and thin, always have each other's backs, they roast each other and bicker and sometimes make stupid decisions and sometimes lash out but at the end of the day their love pulls through, they’re able to work past those conflicts.

katara & aang - honestly while i feel kataang was just so poorly executed in the show (listen guys I just can’t after ember island players, i know that was a bad episode, but i can’t) & i cant imagine katara wanting to leave the south pole after the war for long spells (it would have to be long distance love, lots of profound and heartfelt letters and occasional visits, if anything, but i dont know if that’s what katara wants or needs? so maybe it wouldn’t pan out?), but regardless, i really do think these two had a life-changing friendship where each really represented hope for each other, that's at the core of it, they both truly believe in each other, and inspired each other. katara & aang good.

a headcanon

chief katara anyone?? chief katara?!?! 

oh oh OH i also think that katara, while primarily a combat bender during the war, actually takes to healing a lot more after the show and gets proper healing training at some point with the help of a trained medical expert and maybe yugoda. tbh i feel like the show was a bit dismissive of healing as an ability - i feel like having that is *extremely* useful in any combat situation, you always have a medic on hand - but i understand why katara, who wanted to be recognised as powerful regardless of her gender, and wanted to hold herself in a fight alongside sokka & aang, pushed for combat waterbending training because that is what 'powerful' looks like to her in the moment. obviously katara is capable of incredible healing feats (see: saving aang) but i think given we see her as a healer in lok (not a decision i necessarily disagree with) would mean a shift in focus. i think katara actually comes to realise she likes healing a great deal, but really she excels in all aspects of waterbending and is the south’s most respected master who helped rejuvenate southern style waterbending  

unpopular opinion

the main reason people think katara is straight is because we see her have very few meaningful interactions with other girls outside of toph. ATLA as a show is a bit romance obsessed, and very heteronormative in that regard, and so interactions with minor characters almost always line up with a potential crush for sokka or katara, and later, zuko (suki, haru, jet, yue, song, jin....). we rarely see katara build friendships with other girls and it’s such a damn shame.

(anyway bi katara for life)

a wish

the version of the puppetmaster we saw was actually fire nation propaganda, i feel like katara would have felt deep compassion for a prisoner of war and after maybe some clashes, would have agreed to help smuggle her out of the fire nation and secure passage home for hama, and tried to assure her that she still has a place there. the treatment of hama in that episode was awful (but also hama was written to be almost cartoonishly evil, very much an evil witch in her cottage in the spooky woods? like the whole horror movie / spooky story opening was such a big tell) and tbh i reject the thesis that we saw ‘katara’s dark potential’ in that episode completely, or that bloodbending as a power is inherently dark, or katara’s use of it to stop hama ‘corrupted’ her. I feel like katara might feel this way as a teenager perhaps but with time (she can be a little black and white at times), and especially with more training as a healer, i think she might realise that’s not the case, she’ll realise that she was right to try and oppose hama, her elder (she was lashing out rather than really trying to oppose the fire nation), and it wasn’t a betrayal of her or her beliefs, but also her use of bloodbending wasn’t wrong or evil inherently at all? and maybe she’d find ways to use it for healing purposes? anyway my wish is that, i like the idea that they meet again, speak about their differences, reconcile a little / come to an understanding, and katara learns more from hama again

an oh-god-please-don't-ever-happen

anything where katara’s character is reduced to a comforter or a healing device for a man and his trauma. particularly zuko. (they don’t have that dynamic in canon thankfully, zuko would never, zuko respects her too much)

5 words to describe them:

idealistic, hard-working, powerful, headstrong, kind

my nickname for them:

chief. or comrade. :^)

[dahniwitchoflight]

fucking, god, he called his ship Theseus. Oh god im not ready to face this epilogue stuff in actual visual form oh jeesus

Dirk, Dirk pls. no one can take you seriously now that we can actually SEE your Villain-Sona. 

oh god, the second hand embarassment is real.

Alright so there seems to be like, a tinge of Rose existing as her own person, doing things that Dirk dislikes, but its in conversation only, so it seems facetious.

The other true thing though is the narrative is entirely Dirk’s perspective, and Dirk is exactly the kind of person who would absolutely love and believe he was capable of subsuming another person’s soul and idealogy entirely, but we went through this deceit in the epilogues with John and Roxy as well, with John’s unquetionaing hold on reality and what is canon also seeming to have an unconcious warping effect to whatever John thought was important, but Roxy gave a good point of how do you even know you did this and i didn’t choose it or wouldnt have chose it? you dont

So we could see that being repeated here, either as a parallel of that or a subversion, remains to be seen

“ Speaking of which, I think it's time I started undoing some of the more egregious mistakes this story has been subjected to over the years. Yes, I'm talking about that guy. The other orange one. Remember him? Vriska got stalked by him a bit and it was uncomfortable for everyone concerned. Anyway, the point is that he fucked up big time, and I'm here to clean up the horseshit. It's time to get this story back on the rails, back to what it was always supposed to be. I know it, and you've somehow always known it too. There was something else, some other route that Homestuck was meant to take but then didn't, a way that wouldn't've spent so much time dicking around with stuff nobody cares about. Like seriously, why did we all have to sit through talking about everyone's most intimate and private feelings for two hundred thousand fucking words. That would never have happened in Act 1. Where did it all go wrong? “

lol the andrew hussie is peeking through a bit here, so Homestuck2 is gonna be the exact thing I figured a sequel would be, its going to be a sort of retelling of the story, but its gonna flip the importance for certain things in the opposite directions, so right here its saying Homestuck is a story with a layer of importance on the characters themselves and their mindsets and how they lived in the environment they found themselves in, with the lore and the conceit of the story being a huge creation story more of a backdrop than the focus

so Homestuck2 is going to be a more "creation story” focused more on the sburb lore, buts its going to have less of a focus on the characters (perhaps even to the detrimnet? maybe characters will seem strange and out of character? but he kinda already made that feeling i the audience with the epilogues, thats what that intended effect was)

and neither one i think will turn out to better or worse than the others, theres definitely going to be benefit and downsides for both, but its not hard to see that Homestuck1 is the story that Hussie wanted to Tell, and Homestuck2 is how he’s changing it and telling a different story than he originally would have in the first place

not that hes changing Homestucks orignal story at all, but now hes telling a decidedly different one

Thus far, even though I understand Dirk’s basic mindset being “Hussie’s story sucks im gonna tell a BETTER one” and deciding that he alones gets to decide others will is unquestionably villainous train of thought, like why cant we let the characters just decide for themselves what kind of story they wanted to have and be genuine..

I AM dying of curiosity to see what sort of lore and information were going to get out of this, especially with the twist of that sort of focus being brought more into view, it’s a tantalizing glimpse of something very sexy that im into...

WORLDBUILDING :p

The World of Homestuck to me, HAS always been more infinitely exciting and interesting to me than the characters themselves, even though i liked them fine, they werent the reason why i kept reading the story for sure

Anything little thing we get about sburb or the world system out of this im happy with, regardless of what happens to the characters

(Would that be considered a villainous mindset if I was in canon? maybe ^^; good thing im not lol it does give off very “evil mad scientist morally corrupt experiments” kind of vibe lolol)

“ Look, I know what you're all really craving. I've been studying canon—or rather, what's left of it—and I think I've found it. The critical moment, in the wake of which everything started to take a nosedive into the protracted, endless slog of sheer insufferability we got saddled with near the end. This was the single most crucial error in the process that led to the present situation. The day when the story was wrested screaming from the arms of its readers like a bawling infant and carried helplessly away, from then on to be raised according to the whims of a masochistic menace with no thought for you, the common fan. “

I do have to laugh at this though, because your not wrong??? but also, it was inevitable that a story that started out like homestuck and was written like homestuck and ended like homestuck would inevitably turn out the way it did

it was a communal product of the screaming masses that turned into a singular mans story, it was unfortunately going to lose something to everyone, because everyones ideas couldnt all coexist in one canon at the same time (thats what outside of canon is for)

and then Dirk does something I DIDNT expect him to do

“Channelling my full potential as an ascended player of Heart, I expand my consciousness to commune with the boundless force of collective willpower that is the internet. My mind floods with its divine potency, a million formless cries coalescing into a sequence of discrete, formal instructions. It is a maelstrom as chaotic as it is deafening. And yet from this formless, uninterrupted spate of hard, unembellished data, a single suggestion takes form, as if bubbling up from a vast, infinite ocean of possibility. It is a whispered prayer to a compassionate god whose ear attends faithfully the will of his believers.Ok, let's see what you chucklefucks came up with.“

instead of entirely subsuming other’s will like a villain would, he has instead opened up his heart and conciousness to absorb the ideas, suggestions and wills of the masses, he is literally trying to bring back the act1 flavor of homestuck by taking suggestions, be he is ironically doing something no different than hussie did by curating and choosing which one to respond to

hah! he really does think he is the hero of this universe with Hussie as some sort of villain. 

So Hussie has probably intentionally curated this idea of himself as “Author Villain” who drives the story seemingly into mud by seeming to reject and upend the audiences expectation rather than curate them and bringing forth the best out, 

this happens with the epilogues undoubtedly, 

and this environment has gown a character from inside the story to step out and try to “oust” him from this position and instead tell a “good” story one that “everyone” wants, but is in fact detrimental to the story and world that the characters inside it themselves wants, which is was Hussie curated the whims to in the epilogues instead of the audience

So maybe this will be a “good” story, and hit all the marks for what the audience wanted originally, but there is no benevolent force to make sure a happy ending exists for any of the characters inside of it, because what the characters want doesnt matter anymore, only the lore does

[bitchfitch]

angsty dnd npc character study

The Winter King wore the face of the man that The Boar King loved. The Boar focused on those familiar features, on the night sky black skin and the ivory fangs in his smile. The way his horns curled and his pointed ears twitched every now and then under the weight of his many piercings. If he focused on all the little familiarities this ordeal would be significantly less painful.

***

"You summoned?" Winter smirked, the playful light in his eyes and tone was something a lot crueler than it was warm. Nothing was warm about him. Nothing had been for a very long time.

"I just wanted to speak to you," The Boar knew this was an awful idea, one that would bring him nothing but pain, but he missed his husband so much that he was willing to put up with the entity that stole him away.

"Oh," the smug look that crossed his face was almost enough to call this off, it was to glaringly not right. A throne of ice rose from the ground to catch Winter as he sat. Boar focused on how he sat. His movements were always performative, he would cross his long legs and twist just right to look as alluring as he could.

Boar couldn't help but focus in on where Winter's ribs showed, all the sharp lines that were covered by soft fat when he was still the Boar's.

"Now, what would you like to speak about? You know I'm all ears for a voice as nice as yours," Winter cocked his head, his soft silver white hair always seemed to cascade in just the right way.

"How are you doing?" It was a simple question.

"Hm? That's all you have to ask?" the disappointed pout was almost enough to make the boar cave, it was the same one his husband used anytime he wanted something. The pout disappeared only to be replaced with a frown, "This is about Him isnt it?"

"Maybe, Just answer the question,"

"I'm fine, he's dead."

"Winter King-"

"You know there are kinder ways to turn someone down? You don't need to rub in the fact that you dont return a smidgen of the affection I hold for you. It's not even my fault I have the awful feelings for you, they're holdovers from that weak and hot blooded Thing that came before me."

"He wasnt weak, he fought you off for decades."

"He didn't Need to. He and I could have coexisted, but No, he wanted to burn me up, so I froze him."

"Does that imply he's still in there somewhere?"

"He may as well not be, Do you have anything of worth to ask of me? or may I return to my duties? I have better things to do than to cater to you,"

"I do have one other thing to ask,"

"Ask it."

"Won't you let me hold my husband? Just for a few minutes, even if it's just pretend,"

"Boar, you are pushing your luck something awful. Why should I let you touch me? Because that is what you are asking. Your husband is gone, hes not here, I'm Not Him."

"I know," the boar said quietly, "I know, and it hurts me to no end… But I still hear him in your laugh, and I see him in the tricks you play, and your temper is firmly his too, but he always knew how to control it. You hold yourself like he did when he was scarred to be open. You both lay on the charm and the appeal when you want to hide in plain sight, to be looked at but not seen. I refuse to believe you two are separate, or at least as distant from each other as you say you are."

"You're wrong," his voice was low and full of hurt, the crystalline tears that formed in the corners of his gold and black eyes was all the boar needed for proof. Even if it did hurt to see his love cry.

"You said it yourself, Winter, that the feelings you hold for me are not yours. If you still have his affections and his taste in clothing and music and his sense of humor… How can you two be separate? I believe you are merely an evolution of him, just the next step,"

"Shut up," he wiped away the tears freezing on his cheeks, "You're Wrong. I'm not him. He was weak and he ignored his fate and fought it so hard that we became This."

"He wasn't weak, he was scared,"

"It was his fault she died, it was his fault we had to manifest so quickly. If he'd accepted his crown, his place in the court, we would have been one. Not this awful double personality garbage."

"Maybe you two could work together now? Winter King, if you are him, all my affection is for you. You want that right? To come home and sleep in our bed again? To stay in your tower-"

"And watch the sunset. To visit Mama and see my sisters and my brother, and our friends, and-" he cut off as he sobbed, the boar went to him in an instant, his husband always wanted to be held when he was vulnerable like this, to feel safe. Winter seemed no different.

The frost of his touch bit through the Boars clothes, but that didn't matter, not right now anyways. He held the fey king as the smaller creature cried, his long fingers fisted in the fabric of the Boar's tunic,

"And our kids?" The boar finished the thought for Winter.

"Yeah, dammit, I want to hold them again. Fuck they're all grown up now arnt they?" he curled closer as the boar took his weight and sat them both down on the forest floor infront of the rapidly melting throne, "I didn't get to see my own babies grow up,"

"They are, you would be so proud of them if…"

"If I wasn't a danger to them?"

"Yeah,"

they sat there quietly, the Boar ran his hand through Winter's hair as Winter's sobs calmed into shakey breaths.

"Take me home?" he hid his face in the Boar's shirt, those quiet words more a begging plea than a true question, "Please? Just for tonight, Please?"

"Of course," The Boar stood and he hated how light Winter felt in his arms.

The Boar's castle hadn't stood above ground in centuries, instead he preserved its rooms deep within the soil of his forest. The entrance opened for them as the Boar carried Winter through.

The Boar rarely stayed here anymore. he couldn't stand the way his mind filled the silent halls with laughter and music, how at every turn he always expected to see his darling disappearing around a corner and giggling as he tried to start a game.

Their room was untouched, and had been for many many years, the bed felt like a grave anytime he drew near.

It didn't feel as awful as he set Winter down on it, the sight of him there being enough to soothe over long fraught nerves. This was where he belonged, where the Boar could keep him safe from everything outside of the canopy of the bed.

Winter sat up and curled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as his tail flicked, "I used to love this room," he mused,

"You did, you liked how warm it was, and the fact that there arnt any windows made you feel safe," He sat on the opposite edge of the bed, and even that had felt like he was pushing his luck,

"I can't sleep outside of my domain," Winter grimaced, "I wish I could wake up here in the morning, do you think that would fix me?"

"I don't exactly follow,"

"Do you think being home and away from the court would fix me? Would it make him come back?" his tone was solemn and pained.

"Winter, I do not know,"

"Would you ever miss me?"

"What?"

"When you get him back, and I'm gone, would you miss me? or mourn me for even a second?"

"Winter, you are him, I won't miss you because you wouldn't have gone anywhere,"

"That's bullshit."

"No, it's not,"

"It is, because he and I cant exist together, but you want him. Not me, and-" he had to wipe away his tears again, "And I love you, but you cant love me. Because you don't even See me, you only see him. You won't mourn me when I'm gone, nobody will. My death will be celebrated and then I will be forgotten,"

The Boar didn't know what to say,

"Just, give me tonight. Let me pretend for tonight,"

"Of course,"

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[lysieblu]

When the Camellia Blooms

So I decided to do commentary this time. I usually have a lot to say when wacthing dramas but forget it all quickly.

Mild Spoilers Ahead

I’ve renamed the characters because auto-correct sucks if your first language isn’t Korean.

Oh Dong-Baek - Dongbaek

Hwang Yong-sik - Smiley

Choi Hyang-mi / Choi Go-eun - Clepto Waitress

No Gyu-tae - Tae or Gyu-tae

Hong Ja-young  - Baseball, baseball dude

Jo Jung-sook, Dongbaek’s mom - Mama bear

Deok-soon, Yong-sik’s mom - Ma dukes

Why is it that society can take anything and make it a reason to put others down. Humans ain't shit. Episode 6 “Girls like me are like the Emperor's New Clothes... Good guys cants see me.” Best quote of the whole drama so far. Clepto waitress, I love her. She was weird and I wasn't sure if she was playing old dude, Tae. But she was and kinda genius at it. Men help create the traps they get caught in. Is Dongbaek really going to die in the end because it really sucks as this sad girl narrative goes. Being an orphan and or single mom does not doom you. The society in which she lived did. She was a fighter and would always win. The fact that she made it so far in life despite believing the bs others were telling her and the shit she was telling herself is worthy of praise. Episode 7 Smart girl to keep a tab of bad behavior. I just wish she had a bit more confidence, petty, and bad bitch in her delivery. This self deprecating behavior is getting old now. But this kind of behavior can't be unlearned in a night. It's so frustrating. This is why I can't be a therapist. Get a grip bitch. (kidding I know how healing works) all you can really do is pour in the positive and hope it flushes out the negative. That's why smiley is good for her but God he's annoying. He may be good and all but he had def benefited from her lack of boundaries. The dead girl at the end is the Clepto waitress. She stole the bracelet from Dongbaek and thus why the dead body is wearing it. Go Gye-tae has something to do with the murders. He is too punk to do them himself. But he knows and is close to the murderer. The timing of the alarm at the aesticians office. Tae saved her  I think it's the handy man. Episode 8 Chief is looking really suspect. Clepto waitress has crossed the line to disrespectful. Is she really risking hurting Dongbaek to get baseball dude? I think extortion always been her MO. Mom was referring to her when she said watch who you trust. I don't think she's the killer but bitch is not innocent. Episode 9 I hate bitches. It's true that for some people who never grew the fuck up... Hate is their love language. Cliques need a common enemy to thrive and they are weak as fuck. It doesn’t help that Dongbaek never puts them in their place. Me and Dongbaek are the same age and had our kid about the same time. I don't think the killer is female. Unless that bitch is Ronda Rousey I would like to believe I can fight off a bitch with chicken wire. Chief is looking suspect as hell. Why is he always throwing Smiley off the track or avoiding the case. He knows something. I am by no means taking baseball guys side, however I do feel that both parents should be given the opportunity to be parents to their kid. It's unfair to not tell him about his child when he clearly wants to be a father. The scar can go both ways. You son can resent you for keeping this from his father. Pil clearly knows what's up. Dongbaek is growing up. In a way, this is a death flag. But I still don't believe it's her. Episode 10 There isn't a cloud in the sky. They are walking around without coats. And you expect me to believe that it's cold enough for snow. I still feel like Joker isn't a female but her mom is looking hella suspect. What if the connection between all the victims is Dongbaek. Maybe they somehow did her wrong and crazy momma bear was protecting her. But I really can't see her climbing out of a window. Plus the fire alarm.   Trust no one. A lot of people have said the "don't be a joke" line. I called it. That ending was more of a death red flag. So the dead lady is Clepto waitress. She probably died because she obviously owes debts. Dude in hair salon was creepy. But that is separate from joker. I know this goofy mug. I've seen it somewhere (Googling it) ah.. yes... Mr Smiley was in Midnight Runners, playing a cop there too if I remember correctly. Episode 11 A bunch of elementary school kids fighting over baseball. Me yelling at my TV: GET EM!!! Let me tell y'all. I would have been on that field lighting shit up, whipping everyone's ass. Little boy go get yo momma so she can get your ass beating. 😡 Chief is acting wonky. He knows something. What's with the mom? She seems so protective... Now? What about her dad? What if Dongbaek's parents are some crazy con artists who are protecting their daughter by killing off people who conned her? They are basically trying to tell her to "get a grip bitch!" Or "don't be a joke." And did you see her grab the belt and wrap around her fist? She knows what the fuck she's doing. (I want her on my team in a fight) Why is Dongbaek not questioning her lucidity? 🤔 Clepto waitress is the childhood friend.?!. 🤨 IT WAS THE FUCKING HANDYMAN!!! I CALLED IT!!! 🥳🙌🏾👏🏾 Yass bitches. I'm fucking brilliant. Hold on... let's not get ahead of ourselves. Episode 12 This shit just became an episode of 24 “Why try to live so hard?” Because if I live up to the narrative people create for me based on some societal BS explanation, they win. They can say, "see I told you all _______ are _______." Fuck your prejudices and stereotypes. The last thing I want to do is prove some asshole right. So many people want her dead they are trying to confuse me. Who the fuck is the joker?? Handy man's dad? Is he even alive? And this lack of boundaries is killing me. Dongbaek needs to put both those men in their place. Baseball needs to know he has no legal rights, period, if his name is not on the birth certificate. It would be the kids decision as to what his relationship with his dad is. She also needs to tell Smiley to get a fucking grip and that dealing with Baseball is part of being with her. These situations can coexist and it's frustrating to think otherwise. Mom dukes needs to chill. Her son has to make his own decisions and fuck-ups and she cannot fault Dongbaek for that. Life is hard, regardless. If it ain't this, it would be something else. Who lives an easy life?? Challenges build character. And I get it some things you can avoid. But they are grown in their 30s, who at this point does not come with baggage? And fuck you for trying to make me cry. I'm at work Episode 13 Is momma bear on drugs? Her behavior isn't totally out of the ordinary but maybe she goes away to trip and comes back. Lawd we all gon die together😮 They are teasing this story line so hard.  IDK who the joker is. I'ma stick to the handy man but everyone in this story is guilty of something and really it's like matching the crime to the person or the person to the crime. Who killed Clepto? Was it her enemies or the joker? What momma bear is up to? Who's the joker? Is the joker and cleptos killer the same person? What's handy mans deal? Out of all of clepto's enemies, I believe the only ones capable of killing her are Mr. Pimp, Jessica because she's desperate, or Momma bear because she's protecting Dongbaek. In which case, her death is separate from the Joker's killings. Episode 14 You think Smiley's mom may be jealous because no one took an interest in her with three kids? Hold... The ... Fucking.... Phone... It's handy man's dad??? Behind  every weak man is a mother (parental figure) who never held him accountable. I'm tired of grown people not acting like they are grown, kiss and have sex already... Damn. Oh so now they were meant to be? And did Momma bear really come for a kidney? Episode 15 There is a such thing as too much motherly love. This lady is fucking delusional. Her son has always been the type to run towards trouble. Does she really think his life would be easier without Dongbaek? Really? Go-tae is cleared. He was guilty but his crime is gambling. Jessica hit clepto with her car but someone delivered the final blow. Was it Momma bear? Or joker? I think Chief is cleared too. He was just operating out of fear. So hold up. Momma bear has been watching over Dongbaek her whole life. If Momma bear is lurking in the shadows of course she would run into someone else lurking in the shadows. Bitch. Episode 16 Laugh cry? Jesus Christ Dongbaek is stupid. A abandoned mall. Really? She's like a white chick in a horror movie. No don't go in there. Run bitch. 😔 Always take the fucking stairs. I can't. If she falls, I quit. Episode 17 They look like the fucking Power Rangers and I AM LIVING for this movement. Ordering me a track suit on payday. He gets it. He fucking gets it. "I know I made you be a mother when you wanted to just be a woman" 🥳 "We'll not only feed him, we'll wipe his ass if we have to" My bitch. 😂😂😂 If this shit ends with Pil going with his father, I quit. People and situations can peacefully coexist. What's with this all or nothing attitude? And this discarding of a previous family or kids. I see it a lot in these dramas and it's disturbing. Episode 18 Pil's in for a rude awakening but it's a lesson that his mom can't protect him from. His dad may have nice things, but he ain't shit. He'll be back. Damn even your kid thinks your weak. Or is he being mean? He did it for his mom. Funny.. he's assuming what she wants. Did she ever say that she couldn't marry Smiley because of him? Did Smiley say it? That Ma Dukes said it and it's unfortunate. He's too young to realize which opinions matter  Society sucks for making a kid feel this way. Fuck that shit. It just hit me. One of the underlying themes of this drama is parenthood,  more so motherhood. Dongbaek lacked boundaries, even with her son. Smiley's mom is delusional about her son and life in general. She relied on him too much, babied him too much. I don't think any woman would not have been good enough in the long run. The guilt of his father dying, she blames herself, a burden she should have never had to bare, and never fully healed. She projecting that onto Dongbaek. Dongbaek's mom is seeking redemption. She did what she thought was best for her kid. Jessica's mom put up with an asshole for the sake of everyone else and probably to maintain her life. She's learning that she doesn't want that for Jessica. That her own insecuries have transferred to her. Taeks mom is selfish as fuck and babied her son, never holding him accountable. Mother's think they know what's right for their kid, but a nice life from the outside doesn't guarantee a nice life from the inside. That nice lawyer could have treated your daughter like a slave. But it all looks nice to the neighbors. People have got to let "perceptions" go. Most of the time people with the "worst" past have the best character. The issue with it all is.. most mother's define themselves by their kids or husbands. Korea does it very literally. Then, when it all goes away; your kid grows up, your husband may die or leave, what's left of you? Who are you? Women are incouraged to be everything for everyone else but nothing for themselves. When we do, we are made to feel guilty or less than for it. Dongbaek needs to be away from him for while. How this is happening sucks but both of them have lessons to learn. If they don't live happily ever after I have wasted my 20 hours of my life. This is utter bullshit. I hope they're fucking with me. Episode 19 This would have played out differently if she had a daughter. This is literally why fuck boys are running amuck these days. Moms who use their sons (sometimes daughters) as substitutes for men and adult relationships. Boundaries. To love your dad so much even though he is a killer is unhealthy. Sik needs psyhological help. It sends the wrong message that you need to or have to take you parents (family members) bs just because they are parents (or family.) In hindsight, a red flag. I don't want Dongbaek to be a match. I don't want her to give her kidney. I don't like the idea of someone younger giving someone older an organ. Once you've passed 50 you have lived your life. The donor should be the same age or older and preferably on their death beds. Especially in Dongbaek's case. What if something goes wrong and Pil looses his mother and grandmother? You going to let that man-child raise him? I would never be okay with taking any organ from my kid. Episode 20 So it was the handy man? I was right bitches. And his dad is covering for him. Wow let it be known that Episode 7 I called it! He was framing his dad and playing everybody. Why didn't he kill Ma tho? Loving people and being kind-hearted is so fucking easy. Why do humans make it so hard?? I know these dramas are fiction but someone somewhere has lived a similar life. Where the fuck would I be if I didn't have an awesome mom and a loving family? Ongson feels like Stars Hollow. Them pants are rather high-waisted. That ended well. It had important lessons that I hoped someone learned from. Good story. Why I suspected the handy man? It's usually the character that can easily go unnoticed. He has access to the whole town, knew everyone and smart enough to cover his tracks. Everyone else was too obvious but the story did a great job of making me doubt my initial suspicion. Bravo. Low key miss clepto waitress. When she wasn't being a extortionist, she was a fun character.