#i cant function and i thought id be better by now but im not. i keep reliving everything that happened to me and i cant relax

[frecklystars]

Wow, 32 asks. Thank you guys so much 😭😭 last night was one of the worst shifts I ever had at work. I feel like i keep reverting back to a year ago when everything was fresh. it's been extraordinarily difficult the past couple of months but it always eases the ache when I read nice messages. it genuinely calms me down a lot when other people tell me it's gonna be ok. so thank you to everyone who took the time to do that for me ;-;

I'm gonna be honest, I feel super hopeless. I am not getting joy from anything right now. Drawing, socializing, watching movies, listening to music, I'm feeling *absolutely nothing*. I am triggered by the SMALLEST fucking things that I thought I was getting better at handling. I'm having trouble wearing skirts again. I'm flinching around the color pink when I was doing SO much better with it. For the last nine days, I haven't gone three hours without having a panic attack. I'm not sleeping. My flashbacks are lasting longer. I'm having out of body experiences again for the first time in almost a year. I feel so hopeless. I told myself one year ago "hey I feel like I'm dying right now my ptsd is so fucking bad but! hey! one year from now, I'll feel better! this will feel so far away from me!" but I don't. I don't feel better. I don't think it's possible to feel better bc I'm too broken. It's been over a year and I don't feel like it's possible for me to make progress.

My Barbie/Ken anniversary is coming up and I was excited for the first couple of weeks, but right now I just... feel absolutely nothing. I am so, so, so severely depressed and my anxiety is getting worse every day. I need help out of my unsafe situation so fucking bad dude it's just gonna kill me. I'm so scared this whole thing is gonna genuinely kill me. I wish I could talk about it but I don't want to scare people but at the same time, it's so bad and it's weighing on me so heavily and I am so fuckign tired of dealing with this every single day

I don't know if I'm gonna go offline or not, bc my problem isn't even online. so... I don't see how being offline would help much. I just feel like I'm supposed to do SOMETHING, literally ANYTHING to feel something. Going offline last time made me feel significantly worse, so maybe that shouldn't be my next step. But I feel nothing when I'm blogging right now. I tried making a Jacob edit the other day and I felt no joy. I want to be filling up my queue for the 21st, all of my Barbie and Ken photos and gifsets. I should be writing Barbie and Ken love notes. I should be making video edits again! but I feel nothing!!! This is the one and only anniversary that actually matters to me this year - sorry to the other 12 Ryan F/Os who have anniversaries but THIS ONE is THE most important one, because these two characters are the F/Os that have helped me the most with my abuse trauma/cptsd. They're the whole reason why I started self shipping again. I want to celebrate that. I want to be excited about it. I am just so fucking numb.

I NEED to feel something for this anniversary, I miss celebrating F/O anniversaries! I don't get to do that anymore since self shipping was ruined for me! Since my main F/Os were ruined for me! I deserve to have a good time with my new F/Os!! I am a good person and I am kind despite all the bullshit I've been through and I work really hard to try to heal from shit! I try to stay positive and I try to help people and I!!! Deserve!! To have a day where I feel good with my F/Os without reliving every single horrifying vile thing that someone did to me! but I feel so empty right now and it hurts! I was excited a couple of weeks ago when I was planning all the activities i was gonna do on the 21st, like a restaurant and a movie and baking and throwing a party with my friends, but now?? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING in my heart. I feel so goddamn empty. I am so depressed. I really really feel like I can't get better. It's been over a year and I am incapable of healing from my trauma and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying so many things to heal!! I'm going walking, I'm eating way healthier and cutting sugar to see if that helps clear my head a bit more, I'm getting sun, I'm drinking so much water, I'm exercising, I've cut my screen time significantly and reading more often, I'm hanging out with my friends as much as I can, I am trying everything in the book and I feel like a zombie just sitting here and rotting to death, going through the motions and reliving my trauma in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again and I can't get any fucking peace. It's like everybody in the world is living their days while the planet is spinning but I am stuck in the same spot reliving the most horrific bullshit imaginable over and over and over. I feel like I've lost almost 2 years of my life to trauma. I don't feel like I've aged, I feel like everything happened yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot while everybody else is walking forward and I can't move.

Sorry to ramble I didn't mean to turn this into a vent post but idk what else to do. I don't know if I should go offline on my actual anniversary or maybe a couple of days leading up to it?? Or maybe I'm supposed to BE online and blog about the F/Os to see if that helps me feel better?? Being offline made me feel worse. But being online isn't helping me either. Dude I don't fucking know. I need to work on some crafts or something. I need to make a BarbieLand diorama and paint it. I'm gonna bake heart shaped cookies for the first time this weekend. I'm gonna invite my friends over and we're gonna have a party on Sunday and watch the Barbie movie together. I don't know what else to do but I have to just... keep trying I guess even though I feel nothing while doing these things, it's better than doing nothing

If anyone has advice or something, it's more than welcome. Or even just a "wow, that's rough, buddy". I'm sorry for being negative, I try to remain positive on this hellsite but it's so hard right now. Thank you again to everyone who wrote me a nice message last night when I was hurting. I'm sorry I'm gonna probably be asking for encouraging messages a few more times in the next few weeks bc supportive messages are the only things that have been effectively (affectively?) helping me lately

[hoardingwordslikeawhore]

Hey gang more nsfw questions/vent(???) Idk uh. Any tips? What do you do for solo aftercare?

FUCK ok this is only the second time its ever happened but it still makes me nervous so uhh for the girlies what do you do abt pcb aka some blood after sex/masturbation

Logically I know its just from being a little too eager and that I should be fine and probably wont have to get it checked out but uhh. Idk. Fuck it this is tumblr dot com why am I being shy. Srsly. Anyways so I went too rough solo and its been a few hours but now I feel kinda small and nervous and ive been gentle w myself but I'm still slightly bleeding and yeah. :/ tips?

[audarcy]

Me in the shower thinking about my wife: i think one of the big reasons why het culture "wifey/hubby" "his/hers" "tiaras/mustaches" matching sets other than the cis binarism of it all is that it reveals the thought process behind heteropatriarchy wherein ideal love is a product of inversion; two puzzle pieces that fit together but are separate and made functional solely by the utility of their differences. Heteropatriarchal love retroactively redefines a person as a half of a whole, their functions and idiosyncrasies only valuable when curtailed by another's. But more than that, heteropatriarchal love is so divided. My "hers" towel and your "his." Married on a friday because saturdays are for the boys. Your woodsmoke-scented deodorant and my lavender. We cant possibly hope to understand each other and that's what lends our partnership value, somehow. But the love i cherish--the love that nurtures me--is inextricability. Not the teeth of your personality spinning the cogs of mine but the blend and blur of our edges together. The further in the tide rolls the better. The love that nurtures me is accepting everything about you into my life even if i dont feel the same way about it that you do. Its a becoming. Becoming you, becoming myself, becoming us, again and again. There are no puzzle pieces to snap together, and im no more or less of anything with or without you. But no matter what happens i carry you with me now. Even in the small ways like how we wear each others jackets and deodorant and hats. I wear your mannerisms, and your jokes. I have your interests. You have my music taste. We subsume and consume one another. We explore each other by exploring ourselves and vice versa. The process of loving you is a mapping of a vast expanse and it is the creation itself of that expanse, ad infinitum. Loving you is a fluidity of the self. I try out new ways of living through you. I see through your eyes. My life doubles by virture of sharing it with you. We finish each others sentences and joke that were the same person but its truer than we have the language to describe. My selfhood blurs into yours; Im not half of a whole, but together we are a whole. You could draw a straight line from one end of me to the other end of you, no breaks. And why shouldnt we travel that line? Step inside my head and get comfy. Mi casa es su casa. Youre me and im you.

What comes out of my mouth when she walks into the room: id let you wear my skin if i could

[amaranthdahlia]

i hnstly thought id make a solo post dt to each one of these, but i dont think ill ever come around to do that so fuck it heres every ofa au i came up on a whim on twitter (though im pretty sure one of these alrdy exists but whatever)

middle/high school au

gone bad au

paranormal twins au

(infodump ab everything below hahdjs)

anyways soo first one is just . like. a middle school au. or highschool. im not sure which one is better lol. basically its just a roles thing: afo is the student council president (that pretty much has his school wrapped around his finger), yoichi is just some student (that gets into fights with bullies) and kudou is a deliquent (that became one just cus of afo) i wanted to expand this more but im procrastinating so nvm

2nd one is well, again, an au i made out of the whim. i just entertained tbe idea of (forced) villain yoichi and rolled with it and only drew it just so i can design yoichi ahsjskg ... and kudoichi there is well . ig a hero/villain pair? and you could say theyre just unfortunate people forced to play a role (also ignore the quality in that part i rushss to draw it haha)

now last one, self explanatory? mama shigaraki lives, afo and yoichi shared their nutrients and their quirk ( where it functions as afo cant give away the quirks he attain, only yoichi could((and only yoichi can receive the quirks his brother takes)) he also cant take the quirks from the user without consent. yoichi is the same but vice versa, but he himself also couldnt give away quirks unless the user consents 👐) everything is semi-normal for the most part. also. first pic is kinda outdated.some of it anyways....... also also i tried my best to make sure afo and yoichi rlly do look like twins despite the hair difference

now i wasnt able to attach the ofa bad end au and the "theyre happy" ending au bc image limit but the 1st is smth i actually wanna work on (but not fuly expand and actively post about, its just smth i gave more thought than the others here haha) and the 2nd one is just ab designs and basically everyone lives nbd dies au (maybe afo only tho)

so yeah. thats all the ofa aus i came up? yall already saw the other aus liek demon/angel au, the childhood friend au.... does the fankids i made count as an au.....? the mlp one......? holders grow old one????

fuck theres so much aus i need to relax hahdhsjf

anyways yeah thnx for reading allthat . entertaining questions wouldve been fun if i actually put enough thought into these aus💔 the hfx just went behind the wheel for these

[imustbenuts]

ouggh could you please elaborate on your criticism of brave Alfonse ...I like hearing your thoughts (⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

alright. so this is just a messy sloppy thought vomit essay again im so sorry in advance.

and i am salty overall about this.

in 2 words: traditional conservatism

in many many words:

ALFONSE. OPEN UP YOUR WAY CARVE YOUR OWN PATH WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGGGG IF YOU ARE SAYING HE HAS POTENTIAL JUST. FUCKING. COMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU COWARDS! HAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHG learn from your dad's ruling policy yes but don't become your dad and carve for the affection you cannot have jfc

IN MORE WORDS

gustav is. objectively speaking, not a good father in the emotional growth department. I've mentioned and maintained by him looking like an Asian tiger parent from my pov. even if he does lay out proper foundations and maybe good hc adjacent policy for country ruling, his approach of parenting is questionable at best.

I get him operating under pressure and sickness with a limited time left to raise his son in a manner befitting of the throne but like. All sink and no swim? No proper explicit guidance? You can't just be "I want my child to meet expectations and dispense no love", that's just straight up neglect my guy. hes very much the 2 faced proud big important parent person.

realistic, but yuck.

i dont think they even have a father son moment probably ever. Henriette and Gustav have a more functional relationship bc they actually dated and had proper human interaction, but it's likely given cultural asian and high expectations context irl, his kids were treated more like objects and successors. Despite everything he might have felt and expressed behind the scenes. again, the affection is not expressed and conveyed directly enough to his kids, and alfonse being his successor means. alfonse has major daddy issues and anxiety about succeeding the throne.

So now, brave alfonse, having lost this dad and understandably craving for fatherly affection and going through it in the plot, is. you know. in the process of redefining himself. arguably is always, but now, its either he's the successor of, King Gustav the Great II or The Next King of Askr. his role as with many many other of his type are to be a signifier of a new era. thats the whole point of successors!

hes even all "ILL OPEN THE WAY". implying that something before wasnt working out and a new path must be blasted open for a better future. thats the whole theme.

But the effect of Alfonse donning his fathers armor in this case is not respect, it reeks of insecurity! again, does alfonse know his father as Gustav The Person to a reasonable degreee? if by that we mean a neglecful parent but a decent king, okay. but why is there a need to repeat this cycle by wearing from head to toe, from body language to skill 1:1 of his dad. howis this a good thing...

dude. what the hell is intsys doing. do i need to call their parents or what the hell is this conservative traditional filial pathetic nonsense. what the hell happened to all of the other fire emblems who are 5 steps more progressive than this

(granted i do find FE to be very conservative on the whole now that ive stewed in the pot of it all but thats a me thing. it could also be dependant on the writer but idk them well enough to know who does what)

and heres my ideal fucking scenario, right. not very hard. id argue just picking up gustav's mantle OR axe and then working it into a new outfit that is explicit alfonse's would be miles better and what i would want. a signifier that alfonse the character knows himself and wants to walk his own path while honoring the good parts of gustav and discarding the bad.

not this. reanimation method of almost wanting to wear his fathers' skin. as if he cant move on and stand on his feet. as if hes unsure. as if they dont want him to commit (at least not yet bc we gonna milk FEH for as much as we can). despite. all the things that have been happening.

instead of rolling with the punches the armor feels like him not doing that. it might have been an easy alt to decide on, but character wise, i dislike it a lot.

[octoxicash]

abandoning down all my twt accs for the forseeable future for real now, wiping my public accs art too sometime today

some thoughts on it bc i feel a bit emotional abt it? is that stupid? over twt?? . idk give me better things to think abt or draw in my inbox or smthn

my OctoXicAsh twt acc was literally my first acc under that name, ig besides my Splatoon 2 acc where i adopted it. like before that it was shit like. CattyKat or smthn. i know ShadowKat or UltimateKat was one at some point. that user is probably still out there somewhere on League or smthn. stupid shit shit like that but not ME yknow?. OctoXic / OtoXicAsh was like my first For Real Me usernames ever and obviously i still use it to this day. so that acc feels special to me ig

it was my first social media platform too (not counting Pinterest bc i didnt use it as a social thing and still dont) and i met my bestest of friends and my now boyfriend too thru the dsmp/mcyt boom in 2021. id say that was my first truely interactive fandom which is an cringeass shit to say at my grown age but my families were too poor to afford a phone for me til i was like 16/17 and before that i just,, wasnt a very adventurous kid on the computer. 2021 jump into twt and fanart was my first step outside of my own bubble, and during the pandemic it became a lifeline. and like. Elon buying twt sealed its grave, there was no doubt abt it but i was def one of those "i go down w my ship" people bc thats STILL my biggest acc by a LONG SHOT and i had made WAY too many great memories and friends to let it go. up until literally today, my priv twt OctoIsYelling is STILL essentially a massive groupchat for me an my friends in an acc form, interactive and communicative while still letting me be in my own page. its better than insta or tumblr in that sense and it was PERFECT before it went to shit

but now the site genuinely barely functions man. its slow and laggy and reloads constantly and eats my battery worse than SKY COTL. AN ACHEIVEMENT. the app just refuses to work at all if i have my phone plugged in for whatever reason and idk how to fix it. i thought it was a me problem for so long until 1 post talking abt it changed everything. like it GENUINELY DOESNT WORK. and it SUCKS. its plauged with adds for a subscription that no one reasonable would pay for and straight up hard alt-right politics. the bots are outrageous like its sooo bad its so bad i havent opened my dms on public acc in at least a yr. sorry if anyone tried to get ahold of me. the algorithm that used to be like at least half decent is now ALL doom and bait and SHIT, its not even rlly worth it to try n cultivate ur spaces now bc no matter what shit u dont want is being pushed in ur face. the transphobia is so unbelievably bad, and while ive done my best to fix my tl its still so ass. THEY TOOK AWAY TWT CIRCLES MY BEST FRIEND 💔💔💔💔 I USED TO USE THAT FOR SHOWING OFF ART FOR MY FRIENDS TO MY OTHER FRIENDS WITHOUT THE ONE WHO ITS FOR SEEING💔💔💔💔💔💔

despite all that keeps going wrong or being fucked over i still held on for so long but i just CANT in right mind stay on the site any longer when its actively feeding its generative ai. ive been small enough and lucky enough to where no one has targeted me and used my shit (that i know of) but now its completely unavoidable and its UPSETTING

i want my big friend gc that was my web of oomfs and moots back. bluesky has hope for me but theres no priv accs and im not comfortable enough to air out every thought i have publicly. idk when privs r coming there but i hope its soon :( i miss old twt so much and i only caught glimpses of it before it was bought out. im so thankful for my time there but i cant help but feel hurt yknow?

idk if anyone else understands me rlly bc ppl have just been so frustrated w the site/app and the cons have def been outweighing the pros, but i still loved my time there. i hope im making sense. it sucks. it feels too personal. thats THE OctoXicAsh and OctoIsYelling accs. that was essentially my journal. :(

i dont have the heart to deactivate my accs esp w the load of history i have on them i RLLY dont want it gone, but ill be wiping my art from my art acc and ceasing all activity on them indefinitely. probably forever. hell.

thank u for reading all that if u did. im feeling sooo fine abt everything in my life rn. everything is falling to peices lately but were sooo fine. we ball so hard

[antiradqueer]

Trigger warning for mentions of fetishization, pro-c for non-con stuff,paras, and like very little of cult tactics, nothing with much detail I believe. Sorry if i tagged these wrongly, I'm not really good at putting trigger warnings.

Lol, im in the rq community but its like really confusing, i dont agree with some terms that fetishize people and invalidate others but some parts are i agree with too so its weird.

Im not sure if i should leave and even if i do where do i exactly go i dont really know, also some of these terms really help me to explain and express my non-human identity better, and stuff like that. (i only have id with transbody terms that go like 'wanting to have more eyes' or 'wanting to be taller' due to non-humanity, im not sure if that is wrong. Because these terms really would be okay and very nice in my eyes if they werent soo,, interwined with pro-c for non-con paras and actual fucked up shit.)

Also the community is meant to be anti-harasment, which is what i am, knowing that harassment on the internet wont really work in anyway. Though the community is extreme (this goes for antis too, both sides are very extreme which sometimes wants me to just stay in the middle of it.) And people in the rq tend to ignore the pro-harassment rq's by saying stuff like 'oh theyre not actually rq' and that on itself sounds like very problematical to me. Maybe not just me, i have no idea.

I also thought of id as transabled due to my heavy signs of BIID, (though i am not diagnosed so it might be something else, so i wont self diagnose for now since it might be a placebo effect due to my legs not functioning well in the first place) but the things it implied was just,, not something i would like to be associated with. So idk if that makes me unvalid or anything of that.

Im so fucking confused and i dont really like the fact i am so confused and kind of not fitting for both sides and being neutral seems,, y'know,, ignorant to me because both sides have their extremes and problems, so god i have no idea.

Also i did notice rq community using ways that are like,, weird, and i have experienced cult tactics and when i noticed it literally didnt go away so yeah. And that certainly something I don't want to be associated with and harms me too.

Its weird, i have no idea, wa.

Also i quite literally dont care whos origin is what, i used to be heavily endogenic but after a while i was like,, 'dude i cant change these people nor should i can encourage possible harmful things to them and the plural community' and decided to be neutral especially because i have a traumagenic system of 750+ with some alters still heavily anti-endo and some pro-endo. Which again makes me feel like i will not be welcomed elsewhere.

I have talked to a few anti-rqs about my experience but idk

Also i have multiple paraphilic disorders and Paraphilias without disorders, so im not sure if i will be affected in the other communities since of my paraphilic disorders.

So sorry this is like very long, i apologize if i made y'all uncomfortable,, it was not what i intended.

first of all, I will just repeat what I tell every radqueer that comes into our inbox: think about if you really want to be part of and support a movement that inherently supports pro-c paraphiles of all kinds, is racist, ableist and whatnot. you simply can't on one hand call yourself radqueer and on the other hand pick and choose the parts of the community you like. if you use that label, you are supporting the WHOLE community, end of the story. of course there are disgusting people in every community, but it's different with radqueers - for example, there are quite a lot if pro-c zoophiles who are also therians and claim to be part of the therian community. BUT the therian label in itself is strictly against that and will never ever accept those people. the radqueer label however is inherently supportive of and welcoming to pro-c zoos, pedos and necros. and that's the difference. that's why you are still supporting those people even if you only use the term radqueer. please realize there are alternative terms you can use for the same experiences, which are not associated with radqueers and/or are coined by folk who are openly anti radqueer and anti transid.

aside from that, being neutral or unaligned is 100% a path you can choose! always put your own comfort and safety first and if the discourse stresses you out too much, you can always just back off.

I don't have too much to add honestly, to me it seems like you are THIS close to truly realizing how horrible the radqueer community actually is - I mean, you even noticed the cult tactics. but it is on you to take the final step and get out and I promise you, if you do, you will be welcomed by us antis and other communities!

[I won't comment on the endo system part, since we don't do syscourse topics here]

[transarsonist]

gently but firmly explaining to my mother that, yeah, thats.... kinda what being disabled and impoverished in capitalist society IS. like, no i havent gotten anything done, im mentally not here before 12 noon at the Earliest, and ive been kinda psychologically completely overwhelmed by, well, Everything the fact that i cant just go out and get the things that i need to do Basic Existance is like a Physical Weight that literally drags my bones down to dust? thats kinda just how poverty is? like, if i had $200 a month 'living expences' i would be able to like, go to goodwill, get some good interview clothes, id be able to keep enough gas in my car to make it to the temp agencies that are Literally ALL on the Other Side Of The County for no good goddamn reason. thats not where the Jobs are, & theres other places with cheap office space.

id be able to go and Do something about the fact that im pretty Terminally unrelaxed right now, id be able to Meaningfully ACT on the fact that most of my day every day is dedicated to very very very basic survival tasks. im talking, make food hot and go in mouth, put clothes on (failed often) level basic

and she just, does not understand i guess, that that level of poverty is Poisonous, it makes MOVING difficult, it makes THINKING difficult, and worse im Already disabled, i cant do a damn thing and i have no idea how to cope with it, im crashing and burning and crashing and burning and im being ripped to shreds to shreds to shreds to shreds, and all i want is to be able to fucking Heal, and my mother being a different person than me entirely, does not understand that "living alone in a house and not being bullied" is not enough for healing, ive been BROKEN for since ALWAYS and i used to be able to ape basic function, but i cant anymore

im burnt out. im tired. im Beyond burnt out, if i thought death was any better id already be gone, but i dont think it is, and theres people who want me to stay so im staying. but my mother seems to expect me to like, stand up, all shes done is put ground beneath my feet, which isnt nothing, but it doesnt remove the weight on my shoulders, and thats why im sinking in the first place

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[dont-mind-the-dump]

Hey...

Im sorry for ghosting you. I didnt mean to leave you high and dry. Its the least I wanted to do.

You are a presence I really appreciate in my life and Im grateful i met you. As I look back in all the weird coincidences, its like youre the one thing that was right in all of what I thought were wrong decisions. My butterfly effect.

If i did not take a leave of absence, I would not have met you. If I did not interned at Sol I would not have met you. And if Interned a bit sooner, I would not have met you. I keep looking back and these memories paints a smile on my face. Of all the decisions I made that i beat myself up over and over again were actually decisions that made sense. All the pain my choices brought me, all fell into place.

Because I met you.

Excuse my words and grammar, im a little too poetic and english is my medium. But it seems no words could describe the changes I went through ever since I met you.

Is it my attachment issues acting up? Probably. But Lord knows I fought it and fought hard. Its just that when I realized that I started to emotionally be dependent on you, I know its gonna be tough. I cant afford that. Its a losing battle.

As you know, Im a little too stubborn for my own good. A little to independent. Cant ask for help. Cant accept help. I am genuinely working on it. God knows how much fight ive had from people who wants to love me but I cant let them.

On days that are toughest, I always find myself alone. And thats how its been eversince. So when you are there to ask me how my day went, and I felt happy someone can listen, I became complacent. I cant afford that.

I made too much investment in life that I cant lose it at the first sight of hope. Id rather be at peace and alone. Than risk companionship and end up broken.

Youre a good person. Theres no doubt at that. I would always remember you on a sunset on my bus ride going home. It would make me smile maybe a grin and I would wonder how youre doing. Hoping for the best. I would always remember you before I close my eyes as I set my alarm and I would notice 11:11 wishing for your wishes to do come true.

During the day I will function. I would continue without pause to occupy myself with living. But at the stillness of it all, when im sitting or standing at the bus going home, when i stopped distracting myself from scrolling thru my phone, when I want and need a rest, it will always be you that crosses my head.

I dont know how else to say it. I dont know how else to explain. But I hope at least a little of it, I was able to convey.

Keep that jacket for now. Maybe one day well cross path as different person and you havent burned it. Id like it back. Maybe by then i can let people into my life and not freak out. Maybe by then im better. Maybe. But for now, well stay facebook friends?

[frostbite-the-bat]

goofy ass ms paint werewolf eating a mango as a divider between the rant under this bc i do not wish to be precieved rn but i still wanna rant some thoughts out

random lovely guzma urge to delyeet everythin on myne site bc not only did i make it for petz things back when i was active between petz folks and got some encouragement there and ended up never finishing petz things for it, but i also feel horrible and uncommited for it being hosted and made on weebly and for bein too lazy to yeet my shit over to neocities just cause that shit gives me a headache and instead of getting inspired by people i feel jealous and unwelcome

also been working on my sleep schedule its a bit better now and im like. better in general now..? idk how long i can keep this up but getting up early makes me just. so tired like all day urgh i do not understand how i used to keep myself up when this tired. tired tired. brain empty. hard to do shit for long. defo needs more breaks but i swear to god everything feels like its frying my brain but i got nothin to do indoors. guess i can go draw traditionall but i end up putting such high expectations on myself i just yeah. fuck it up. get stressed. not fun. i need to stop thinking about others bc i keep thinking i put effort into smthn i need to show it off.like if i wasted time here i might as well. no this isnt showable it sucks damn it

even stuff i do draw purely for myself as self indulgent shit i go urhh this aint right

oh and then i try doin a lil excercise so im not like. physically diyng but my god that tires me out like instantly. but its okay, baby steps.

dont know what sort of place i am in mentally. the type id prolly spiral a bit over if it werent nice and 2 pm. wacky stuff. i wanna maybe do some stuff but ugh my brain just. isnt big thoughts when im tired. but honestly when am i not tired. and i am getting art done but i cant get myself to draw all day again ill end up in pain again my hand rn already is being a bit of a bitch

uhhh played pokemon in the morning but i need better pokemon already. i fuck up every raid (raids i need so i can get better mons easier) (and my shiny ralts i want easier)

hmm maybe i need a break from stuff but what kinda break what even is relaxing in my case? and "break from people" is a slippery slope of self isolation i always slip into. bit difficult to figure myself out

also, different thing, but ive been considering this for a good few months now and kinda ignoring it but i read one (1) thing and i m intrigued to do more n more research now but man do not like how moral ocd clicks perfectly with a lot of my most common issues . so i guess thats a thing to consider going into (like research) . if it helps .bc dear god i am Sensitive

but uhmmm yea sleeping better now ig like i went to sleep around ONE. my usual sleep time was 5-6 am a while ago !!!!!!! 1 am has always been my kinda usual time. man and i used to do that even when i had school and i *functioned* with less sleep. how did i do that. uhm. not well i guess

but yeah. things.. arent feeling right and i kinda wanna wipe my brain. also the neocities thing seems to be a part of my issue of (ppl who dont care abt me) r gonna thingk i suck bc i dont do (this that i find difficult) (coding) i will be exploded forever and shunned andhated

uhmmm what else yea last thought i forgot as i was gonna type it and the last thing i am deciding not to share anyway bc Shame so hooray

guy who is eeypy tired

i am just realizing how like tired i am but if i go nap ill make it worse so uhmm cope i guess lmfao at least it keeps me going to sleep at a more regular hour but like srsly brain we got around 8 hours of sleep why are you tired we used to get less and function fine. maybe not as good but we functioned

[eldritchmochi]

Ask game: U (three faves from three fandoms and why)

thank u for including the question and not just the letter so i can answer this on mobile with a lap full of catte

1) from cr, ashton. hes got it all: my pronouns, my personality, my problems..... but the bits of myself i see in them are the bits i like, like the aggressive mother henning and the awareness of who/what is or is not a good target for venting frustrations (even if some of his coping skills are uh. not great). add in the chronic migraines and chronic (nerve?????) pain/other related impact trauma pain and im just like this one is M I N E sorry tal

2) kylo ren, from the star wars st. i can never tell if i like kylo or hux better because i find both of them really interesting to write, however, hux is interesting because even after three movies (and several comics) hes largely still a ghost where we dont really know a ton about him or his motivations, so hes really fun to flesh out. kylo otoh, we know (slightly) more about and his base fucked-up-ness is interesting to build off and make aa. functional lmao, both in a "this character is well written" way and a "this persons personality could feasibly exist" way. in cannon, i find him to be a really interesting portrayal of how even coming from a loving family with all the available resources doesnt mean shit if youve got a (literal) voice in your head influencing you towards a dark path. hes also a pretty recognizable portrayal of how being groomed for something can really fuck you up. NOT that i think either of these reads are true to text or intentional on the behalf of the directors/didney, there is no way that nuance was baked in BUT it is why i connected with him so hard (ask me about my kylo shelves..... but not right now i still have bits to put in there i just cant reach very well bc my ac is in front of it lmao)

3) bucky barnes, both mcu and comics. okay so, i liked bucky in the first avenger I thought he was a great match for steve both personality wise and in looks 10/10 no notes seb stan as bucky could ask me for a dance and id join him on the floor (i dont dance). then the winter solider came out and this is the only mcu movie i actually bought and have watched more than a couple of times, for a hot minute it was my bed time movie because i just love everything about seb stan as the winter soldier that man knocked it out of the park and also in hindsight my LUST for the beef of him there really foreshadowed how much im enjoying my body on t lmao. the mcu bucky is also a bit of a ghost and i haven't read a ton of his comics (and i borrowed them from the library so idek which ones ive even read rip), but its been like idk eight years since i watched tws and i can still very clearly see that bit in the first big fight where hes murder walking towards the camera inspiring fearousal in all who witness him and im STILL like "gender"

i should really cosplay him ive got the hair

pls send me more letters off this ask meme linked here so that i can not be more bls i am starved for attention

[mintyvoid]

so im once again trying to work through my issues with life, but again more specifically what is hindering my ability to finish projects. Cause like- if you dont know already, i am an artists..if you can't find a salary job(and even if you can) you need to build some sort of following or portfolio to garner attention and ~eventually~ that leads to income.

...so i need to finish things, get better at my craft, figure out what my ~thing~ is. and to do that once again, i need to finish things.

aight so i write down some of the main reasons, start from the basic and keep delving deeper and deeper till i figure out the main issue that i can start working on. I didn't get very far before i started seeing a pattern lol.

My current reasons for my struggle to finish things-

1. struggle to start

2. struggle to stay focused

3. struggle to overcome problems

Now there are probaby more- but I figured the more I thought about this the more likely id get either frustrated or overwhelmed and then not move onto the next step. Of exploring each reasons and what hinders THOSE.

1a. no motivation

1b. no energy

1c. lacking resource/info/guidance

1d. depression

As an autistic person- these kinda aren't really surprising. Executive dysfunction is like a really hard thing to overcome and it effects a shit ton of things. I wouldn't be surprised if I also deal with PDA(pathologic demand avoidance). Some days the only thing hindering are things like 'cant open program' or 'cant move from spot to computer to work'. Some days I can do these and STILL just stare at my screen and my body and mind refuse to do anything.

Unsurpisingly as well, when moving onto the other reasons the hinders ended up being identical LOL.

But then I fall into the issue i've had since getting diagnosis, by looking at all of this the 'main issue' IS my autism. Its the executive dysfunction- its the fact that ive lived for decades undiagnosised and am now so fucking tired trying to fix myself when it never wouldve worked in the first place. To rewrite my brain from all the internalized ableism i most likely have.

But the resources to work with my autism are hard to come by and quite expensive.

I can't afford to change my environment- and there are a lot of things in my home that I can't change that ARE hindering my ability to function. Working with what i have simply isnt working anymore, but im right back to trying it- desprately wanting it to work because its the only thing i have access too.

right back to feeling helpless cause there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. Like theres no easier solution and im too tired to fight for myself anymore.

[none-ya-buisnez]

dreamed that bestie confessed their love to me, we couldn't keep our hands off eachother, told her about how i feel bad but shes been so much more there for me and i love her so much when my gfs just kinda not been there, i broke up with my gf and got with her and we had very very gay intense making out (ha you thought it would go further pervert) well uh kinda, but it was just so passionate and full of love and omg what the fuck do i do about this irl cuz the feelings are true at least for me,

i just wish relationship stuff could be simple for once, that my gf gave me attention and love i need to not fall for someone else, or that we could all be together but bestie wouldn't be down for poly and tbh? if we did that idk if things would really last with gf might just end up with bestie cuz id be so much more loved with her

i feel like its so reckless and stupid to give up now on gf and just leave her for bestie who might not even feel the same i might just be projecting, but it feels like such a no brainer tbh, were such a great fit, meanwhile i hardly know gf, i figured when we got together we'd continue to get closer and know eachother better be more involved, but not really not much

idk

and being disabled makes this worse cuz i cant adored not to consider who can functionally take care of me, im useless, i cant work, idk what to do

[lokbobpop]

Back to basis

After today’s recording where joe explains his moment of change and i reflected on my moments of change how subtle but life changing they are how you just cant go back to them, like the point i walked with my other half, i had blame and lots of it, when i walked it and moved on, i just cant go back to the way i was, it would take so much energy to be like that to live that way now, and its hard to believe i was even like that now, and yes blame has gone its lifted, it was real time change many years ago now that turned my head round 180 as it were. All that energy it took to be like that was so much when i see my self then, to be bothered with being frustrated with my bundle of blame, and how i look at the points Im living right now and why am i not just dropping them why is it hard ti just saw ok I’m I’ve that now I’m living this now lol

So what i see today is that how import i have to be here in every moment for these changes to happen i have to be with myself full on standing, when i feel energy stop look at it. But what I’m dealing with right now is comparison I’m so over having to be like this I’ve got to the point that this point has been lingering for decades and I’ve been walking it for at least 3 years id say !!!! Holy crap 3 years how can i do that to myself for all those years ?? Lol Ive now come to the point of stand stand stand self love the chosen word for myself to deal with this.

Im thinking my thyroid problem has to do with my comparison keeping me from functioning properly because my desire to be better than all others runs so deep I’m dysfunctional so my like my thyroid not working properly doing the best i can do. All because just cant see the best in myself without comparing it to another, no seeing me as whole as one. So how can i further help myself with this insane desire to be better than other by going into self doubt to self ego in the matter of a split second how can i turn these thoughts into functions that will support me to live myself without this want need and desire?

Step off the merry go round step off this so called wheel of life clean up with scrappy bits left over that I’ve decided to keep around just in case i need them, yes that what Ive been doing, so i can look at something different to overcome a change of scenery lol as it were I’ve out lived this one its fucking annoying lol i saw a post of a school friend today and i was jealous that she might be happier than myself with her life and all her photos this thing is so wide spread I’m going to have to be very vigilant and question a good proportion of my daily thoughts i see to really get on tops of this but at the end of the day thats all they are just thoughts they are not really me no i just created them made them real and so believe them to be me. Such a shame i took it so far and ingrained it within myself.

Plan to see realize and un stand to move this point i have to be persistent i have to be stable calm and stop in every moment for real time change, i have to see what they are really showing me about myself i have to live my self love embrace them about me. I have to be real because my dislike for all when it comes to my comparison for me to see myself as better has to end i have to move on let go embrace this about me and see realize and understand that I’m changing and this is an important part of the whole of my change. It has many angles and comes in many angles as thoughts i see it not just one thing compare theres a story of wanting people to see me as amazing so i can to believe that I’m am so i can bring the thoughts of this why i can think the way i do because i am, i also need to live the words humble i see so this is my word for today humble.

Humble hum able bumblebee to be humble

To love myself

To stand as self with pride and stability

[pizzapizzadickz]

...somedays are just so much worse than others. Lately, I've been caught up in thinking, yet again, what if I'm faking everything. Well. Not that persay. More like. What if everything I think is going on is actually based on something false. And it sucks. Bc. I just start to worry that I cannot fix anything. Idk. Its just. Its nice to have an answer to things. And it'd hurt if my answer is wrong I suppose. You could show me all the evidence in the world and in the end I still won't believe it. I'll still think im wrong somehow. But at the same time I believe I'm right. How odd is that?

Ever since ive been young I've always questioned myself like that. I used to question who I am and what makes up me. And I never rly had an answer. I always just felt hollow and out of place. Even now that's all I feel.

Sometimes I can tell my thinking is heavily distorted. And honestly sometimes I question if it's ever not.