#??? i dont know im not feeling emotional currently. putting myself and my thoughts under

[frostbite-the-bat]

goofy ass ms paint werewolf eating a mango as a divider between the rant under this bc i do not wish to be precieved rn but i still wanna rant some thoughts out

random lovely guzma urge to delyeet everythin on myne site bc not only did i make it for petz things back when i was active between petz folks and got some encouragement there and ended up never finishing petz things for it, but i also feel horrible and uncommited for it being hosted and made on weebly and for bein too lazy to yeet my shit over to neocities just cause that shit gives me a headache and instead of getting inspired by people i feel jealous and unwelcome

also been working on my sleep schedule its a bit better now and im like. better in general now..? idk how long i can keep this up but getting up early makes me just. so tired like all day urgh i do not understand how i used to keep myself up when this tired. tired tired. brain empty. hard to do shit for long. defo needs more breaks but i swear to god everything feels like its frying my brain but i got nothin to do indoors. guess i can go draw traditionall but i end up putting such high expectations on myself i just yeah. fuck it up. get stressed. not fun. i need to stop thinking about others bc i keep thinking i put effort into smthn i need to show it off.like if i wasted time here i might as well. no this isnt showable it sucks damn it

even stuff i do draw purely for myself as self indulgent shit i go urhh this aint right

oh and then i try doin a lil excercise so im not like. physically diyng but my god that tires me out like instantly. but its okay, baby steps.

dont know what sort of place i am in mentally. the type id prolly spiral a bit over if it werent nice and 2 pm. wacky stuff. i wanna maybe do some stuff but ugh my brain just. isnt big thoughts when im tired. but honestly when am i not tired. and i am getting art done but i cant get myself to draw all day again ill end up in pain again my hand rn already is being a bit of a bitch

uhhh played pokemon in the morning but i need better pokemon already. i fuck up every raid (raids i need so i can get better mons easier) (and my shiny ralts i want easier)

hmm maybe i need a break from stuff but what kinda break what even is relaxing in my case? and "break from people" is a slippery slope of self isolation i always slip into. bit difficult to figure myself out

also, different thing, but ive been considering this for a good few months now and kinda ignoring it but i read one (1) thing and i m intrigued to do more n more research now but man do not like how moral ocd clicks perfectly with a lot of my most common issues . so i guess thats a thing to consider going into (like research) . if it helps .bc dear god i am Sensitive

but uhmmm yea sleeping better now ig like i went to sleep around ONE. my usual sleep time was 5-6 am a while ago !!!!!!! 1 am has always been my kinda usual time. man and i used to do that even when i had school and i *functioned* with less sleep. how did i do that. uhm. not well i guess

but yeah. things.. arent feeling right and i kinda wanna wipe my brain. also the neocities thing seems to be a part of my issue of (ppl who dont care abt me) r gonna thingk i suck bc i dont do (this that i find difficult) (coding) i will be exploded forever and shunned andhated

uhmmm what else yea last thought i forgot as i was gonna type it and the last thing i am deciding not to share anyway bc Shame so hooray

guy who is eeypy tired

i am just realizing how like tired i am but if i go nap ill make it worse so uhmm cope i guess lmfao at least it keeps me going to sleep at a more regular hour but like srsly brain we got around 8 hours of sleep why are you tired we used to get less and function fine. maybe not as good but we functioned

[kindred-spirit-93]

*succinct & eloquent opening line. maybe a clever joke or quote* :D

do you ever sit there and contemplate your life choices after like a certain experience or a talk with a loved one?

do you ever come across a quote or a piece that seems like it was written for you in this particular moment in time? an anecdote that mirrors your current situation perhaps?

well im currently going through it & after a double whammy of mama lore TM during some resurfacing anxious & assorted crises, i dont even know what im going through anymore. but we shared a really sweet heart to heart and reminisced over good and less good times aw!

i am reminded that there is still much to life, light to be sought and found, good times yet to be had. its bittersweet. its mature. its scary? its like coming to terms with your mortality but on a smaller scale. or bigger whos to say...

i wont be venting anything, i think for now at least im content to vague post lmao. also my dad bought me some stress eating treats so i might need to go wallow in my feels for a bit

after i jinxed myself by saying im going on hiatus but failing to stay off the website lol (i had moot withdrawl symptoms sue me), i wont be repeating the same mistake, but with context clues i trust u can see where im going with this

it might sound presumptious to state so confidently that this next month of my life will be the hardest in my career, especially since im not even half way there yet, but the truth of the matter is that it is.

ive been struggling for well over a year now (mostly academically) and im both succeeding in places i didnt before (alhamdulillah!) but failing in the exact same places elsewhere. guys i may have anxiety lol

self fulfilling prophecies, nocebo effect, whatever it is & regardless of what you want to call it, its rough. its hard. im tired. theres still so much left and im tired. i shouldnt be this tired. or this empty. or careless. what have i let myself become? why am i punishing myself still?

this coming month will dictate the rest of my future and ill have no one to blame but myself if i let the opportunity slip through my fingers. but if all goes well inshallah i can put this all behind me and start anew so theres that silver lining :D

i kinda lost direction of this post about half an hour ago lol. my point is im going to try harder at balancing several life aspects bc i really cant put it off any more. i need to establish balance because ive been out of the loop for too long now. *shudders in python*

anyways there are plenty of things i have to work on, both in my studies and life, so i have that going for me *party kazoo noises*

id love to grace you all with some wise words or a life lesson or something but i dont have a neat one liner to sum up anything. despite that im writing this because sometimes letting thoughts float in my head isnt enough, i need to articulate and write it out because to let them roam in the vast expanses of my mind under the pretense that i achieved something is frankly silly as it is counterproductive.

a n y w a y , to anyone and everyone reading take care of yourselves and your loved ones. i wish everyone the best in life and in their endeavours. i will probably pop back in every now and again to catch up on messages and make sure everyone is alive and nothing burned down. i will however attempt to exert self control. (key word: attempt)

aight imma head out before i get too emotional or combust with the need to say something stupid like i love you be more unserious XD

[foxboyclit]

im coming up on my 2 year t-aversarry so here's some assorted feelings on that (put under a cut because i didnt expect it to get this long oops)

first off, im hoping i don't get sick again so i can actually have a tea party to celebrate. even if its a little after the actual date i wanna do something

it looks like i cant grow anything more than some light whiskers but i never wanted a huge lumberjack beard anyway and i still get to shave regularly which is very euphoric. im a little disappointed though because ive always wanted a full beard

body hairs been really good though! its filled out nicely on my arms and legs and i have a full happy trail i am so so happy about that

my doctor said she noticed my shoulders had gotten more broad, which ive heard wasn't possible but apparently it is! and i see it myself too. she said i have more of an inverted triangle shape now, and it makes sense because ive noticed my hips shrink significantly. now apparently i wasn't very curvy to begin with but dysphoria makes me see things that aren't as prominent i guess

its also almost a year since my period stopped and i feel so much better having my emotions and energy levels at a constant state. i never have to think about whether i forgot to bring pads i haven't had cramps in MONTHS it's wonderful. i will say, ive noticed cis women are more comfortable talking about their periods around me and it's a mixed bag of emotions. im glad i give off that vibe that it's okay to talk about it but i feel bad saying "yeah im glad mine stopped" or "this is what i used to go through" which is the most i can relate to now so im kind of...sad? to not be able to talk about it? but also when i did menstruate i hated talking about it to anyone other than like. two specific people. idk

my voice is leveling out more, it still cracks but not as much as it did i feel like just a few months ago? still not where i want it but im getting closer and i love when my voice cooperates and is deeper without those cracks. ive gotten compliments on my voice too when i use my lower register! idk if the majority of people read it as masculine or even androgynous but i like compliments

still getting constantly misgendered, no matter what im wearing but im used to it. at least all my family, friends and coworkers respect my pronouns

ive been dressing a lot more feminine than i anticipated. but im having fun with it! its okay if im actually more feminine presenting than fluid like i previously thought. but also i could have another big swing in the opposite direction. i feel comfortable and stylish either way so im welcoming whatever changes

the gender fuckery of facial hair, flat chest and skirt has been *chefs kiss*

my t levels are on par with cis men! just knowing that makes me smile. estrogen is still high but it wasnt a concern with the doctor so im mostly okay with it

my libidos leveled out nicely, it's still a lot higher than before t but its not as intense as when i first started. adjusting to it has been pretty easy and im happy with where it currently sits.

body acne has mostly gone away! and i haven't had any massive breakouts or changes in my skin!

i swear to god i went down at least a cup size. its been waiting for the right time to pursue top surgery a hell of a lot easier. i always felt like if i had a smaller chest i wouldnt necessarily need top surgery, and i still want it but im more content with my chest now

i think all in all ive had to adjust my expectations for how id look by now, maybe its the dosage or genetics or aforementioned high estrogen or it just hasn't been long enough but i always expected to look more masculine this far in. it's still something i have to deal with from time to time but ultimately im happy with my body and im more okay taking this slowly than i anticipated

i dont have a conclusion for this other than wow. testosterone is one hell of a drug

[violentviolette]

As a fellow aspd haver, what questions would you ask a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist to see if they’re “safe” to be honest with and what are some green flag answers. I feel like some red flag answers are obvious but overall, I need help and yet am anxious to try to get real help for some of these symptoms in case they’re ableist. I used to think I could tell when people were genuine and then someone pulled the rug out under me and now everyone looks like a villain waiting for me to slip up. (The current big brother culture is partially to blame). Tried to fix myself by myself and then ended up with more problems.

honestly for me what's worked is being very direct during intake and when choosing who to see but never actually using the words "aspd/antisocial/clusterb/narcisst/ect." personally, i like to avoid what i call "soft daycare types" or like, very overly "empathetic" and caring therapists who speak very gently and are focused more on supporting and showing care. those kinds of soft doe eyed people just Do Not work for me and actively worsen the process for me. i cant and dont take them seriously and i lie constantly to them and make no progress. these are also usually the ones most likely to deeply buy into the anti-cluster b stigma and mentalities so it kind of kills two birds with one stone so usually when i do intake i'll say something like "i dont do well with an overly empathetic or kind approach, i find im not as honest and cant be as open about my struggles. do you have someone who is more of a straight shooter who wont pull punches with me? it helps me a lot more to be challanged in my thought process than to be unconditionally supported"

i find that those therapists are the least likey to buy into that stuff and not be as overly focused on empathy. but honestly the biggest thing and my biggest advice is to just never use those exact words. cluster b shit has honestly become such buzzwords with so much baggage they're actively harmful to ur treatment if u use them but u can talk about ur symptoms and get help for them without ever using those words so i just dont. when i wanna talk about my anger, i dont say narc rage or aspd rage, i just say rage. when i want to talk about a narc crash, i just call it a self esteem spiral. when i want to talk about lacking empathy, i just describe the experience. i say "i dont understand, i cant put myself in that position, i struggle to see things from others perspective, i cant connect emotionally like that so i need to be able to connect logically and figure out how to navigate the situations when they happen"

like literally, it will honestly do u so so much more good to focus on the actual specifics of the emotions and the words ur looking for and describing them out long form than using shorthand words. and not just helpful to avoid stigma like it will genuinely help u to get used to identifying the core emotions underneath and being able to articulate them. that's called emotionally literacy and it's genuinely one of the most helpful beginning steps.

in therapy using shorthand buzzwords and pre-established stuff like "aspd rage/narc crash/splitting/ect." can actually work against u during recovery. not only are there no definitive definitions and so they're extreamly vague and everyone has a different understand of what they mean, we can also become reliant on these shorthand titles and use them to avoid looking the uncomfortable underlying emotions and specific causes in the eye, which is a negative coping strategy that will hamper progress. dissecting these feelings down to their bare bones core and having the words and language to identify them is an extreamly important part of being able to fix things, because u cant fix something until u both understand what ur looking at and know how it goes back together

[thedomesticanthropologist]

Hey Anthie, this question is kind of weird/complicated but I'll try my best to ask. It has to do with recovering from your past habits but I think it could also relate to general stress and handling difficult emotions and experiences (which would include addiction of course but sometimes like... just life too, I guess?)

Anyway, I wanted to hear how fiction helped you or currently helps you? For example I've seen people say that writing "helps" them but when I'm struggling I don't inspired to write, I feel terribly drained, and I'm also a perfectionist. I find it hard to relate to people who transform their pain into art. And I don't have any close friends in the same fandoms like I did when I was a teen so I don't have that sense of community where people encourage me to work on writing and I encourage them to work on their art/writing/etc.

I'm also not sure if it's good to entertain myself even though that might sound weird? Like I'll read, because... it's a thing I can do. And yeah, I enjoy it and have them. But I don't know if it's really aiding in "fixing" myself, and sometimes when I'm reading something, I start worrying that I'm wasting my time somehow? (I made reading more one of my goals for this year, because I went for literal years without reading for enjoyment, and thought my adult ADHD was going to make it impossible for me to ever read again, but now that I'm actually doing it, I don't know how much of an accomplishment it actually is)

Just wanted to hear if any of this ever felt relatable to you, and how you overcame it if so? Thank you and hope you continue to do great with everything, I wish you the best!

This took me a while to get to! thank you for your patience. I tried to narrow your questions down a bit so I hope this is around and about what you were wanting. Under the cut cause its long

How does fiction help with recovering from past habits, handling stress, and difficult emotions and experiences?

Fiction is a way to express yourself without making it about you specifically. You can create situations and put characters through The Horrors, or The Softness, and many writers find catharsis in the act. It can also help your brain process things, and be an outlet for all the feelings and thoughts inside. For me personally, I use fiction to explore thoughts, feelings, ideas, as well as to project or express parts of myself- Im also attracted to writing about things and people I DONT relate to, as a way of learning about them, exploring them, etc. Writing an addict as an addict can be a neat way to look at my issues through a new set of eyes, even if the addict character isn't anything like me, doesn't act the same or process the same, etc.

Can engaging in creative activities like writing be helpful, even if it doesn't feel inspiring during tough times?

Science has proven that writing down your thoughts helps your brain process them, just simply the act of translating from mind to page has benefits. Having it make sense is not as important as just simply... getting it out. Entertaining YOURSELF should always be the first priority in creating art and writing, because if we do it for others, then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment

Is it okay to entertain oneself with activities like reading during difficult times, even if it feels like it might be wasting time?

Doing things for yourself is always okay. It is never a waste of time to take care of yourself. Some people say things like "you don't always have to be productive in order to have your activities be valid" but Id go so far as to say that engaging in reading, writing, drawing, and other "self-indulgent" experiences IS being productive. its being productive for YOU. You arent something that needs to be fixed, you are someone that needs to be accepted. Recovering from self shame starts with being willing to look at yourself not as a problem, but as a person. And the things that make you feel good, regardless of whose watching or who OUTSIDE yourself benefits are worthy persuits

How can one overcome feelings of isolation and lack of community when engaging in creative pursuits?

So I kind of segued into this a little, and I just want to expand a bit. I looked this up and its pretty close to what I wanted to say so Ill share

"Focusing on your own fulfillment and growth in your creative pursuits can be empowering. Prioritize your passion and intrinsic motivation rather than seeking external validation or connection. Set meaningful goals, establish a regular routine, and celebrate your progress along the way. Embrace your creativity as a form of self-expression and personal fulfillment, nurturing your artistic voice and finding joy in the process."

This may be like, hey! I said I wanted community! but honestly, seeking out community and connection can *scare us away from trying* sometimes. Theres all these rules we put on ourselves about not being good enough, or not having friends who have the same interests, not being noticed or validated when we display our work, not having people to talk about. All of that is absolutely valid but it really gets in the way of the creative process and who we are really doing it for (us)

Community tends to appear when you start to share. Considering it a bonus instead of the focus is just a shift in perspective rather than a shift in action. Finding online communities that are related to the work you are producing and sharing what you have is great! starting conversations and new connections is great! but seeking external validation means that you can get absolutely destroyed if you share something you're proud of and no one really notices it. Its so much better to enjoy what you've created, and just put it out there with the thought that if its noticed great! but the best thing was that it was something you enjoyed making.

[lucigoo]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you so much for the tag @sunnyrosewritesstuff. This looks so much fun and agreat way for us to share our fics!

1. How many works do you have on A03? i currently have 120 fics

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 443,720 (not bad considering i've not quite been writing fanfic for a year I dont think)

3. What fandoms do you write for? The Hobbit (Mostly Bagginshield) and Harry Potter (Mostly Wolfstar)

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Stop me Fading- The Hobbit (it needs serious reediting, just an FYI), Defying Death (or at least the ones in charge) - The Hobbit, Who's is the tie Harry? - Harry Potter, Breeding my B....  - Harry Potter (pure Wolfstar smut) and I'm coming Petite Étoile - Harry Potter

5. Do you respond to comments? I do. I tend to to wait until I have 25+ otherwise I feel a bit overwhelmed doing it every time they come in, or letting them get so many that I can't bring myself to do it. So I will anwer, just bare with me <3

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? ummm .... I have a fair few ....

Bagignshield wise would be The Demented King Under the Mountain Check the tags because thers NO HEA for anyone. Harry Potter wise, again I have a fair few with MCD, but I think the most emotional one for me is It's over, they're all gone , again mind the tags

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Most of my fics have some form of Happy Ending, or it implies they do. As for the happiest, hmmm....

Bagginshield wise id say Changeling Child Harry Potter wise, i'd say this little series (two short fics), it just hiits all my fav tropes lol. - I finally have a family and they are all here

8. Do you get hate on fics? Only ever on the Wolfstar ones. Apparantly Remus shouldnt have been taller then his little Welsh mum, someone was VERY upset about it lol.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I don't usually. I have 2 smut fics and one the was supposed to be smut, but ended up being fade to black (opps lol)

Breeding my B.... (Pure Wolfstar P without P), Are you a werewolf? (Jegulus P with P) and Wait, you're the wolf? (Is implied Wolfstar smutt but the smutt wasn't smutting that day lol)

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? I actually have one atm as a wip on A03. Its a Hobbit/HArry Potter crossover and im very excited for it. I want you right here, where you belong:Home with us

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? I have, its linked on my "Breed my B...." fic. A wonderful person translated it ito Russian

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I have not. I would love to though

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? It really is a tie betwee Bagginshield and Wolfstar, I adore both

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? So, i dont tend to not fiish wips, they just stay in my computer for a long time lol. One i am slowly (like snails pace slowly) working on is called King of Azkaban and it's a pretty dark fic.

16. What are your writing strengths? I feel like i can put the characters in any situaiton and try keep thempretty close to their canon characterisations within the sitution

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Editing!! I have a paid editing app and also run things through a TTS and there are still so many bloody typos 😭

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? Do it!! If oyu can get someone from that language to help (of it's a real one). I oftne use Romani chib (I'm Roma) inmy Bagigshield focs for the hobbits and have Kuzdhul and Sinderian in there too. I also have a Wolfstar fic where I have English, Welsh, French and Punjabi in it.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Were talking over 20 years ago here, but it was Wolfstar then and it's Wolfstar now lol.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? I dont know 😭. Im going to put two Bagignshield ones and two Harry Potter ones as I don't have a favourite but ones I like more then others.

Heather (Wolfstar), You're Floo Was My Emergency Contact (This is my latest HP one and im so proud of it ) A heart of stone and Fire in his soul (Pre Bagginshield but this one felt so powerful to me, Defying Death (or at least the ones in charge) (Bagginshield Afterlife fic, soo pure gold to me)

I'm gonna tag @brandileigh2003, @blueberryrock @fishing4stars, @chaoticfandomtrash And of course anyone and everyone who wants to join and share their fics. Id love a tag if you want so I can admire all the fics!!!