so im once again trying to work through my issues with life, but again more specifically what is hindering my ability to finish projects. Cause like- if you dont know already, i am an artists..if you can't find a salary job(and even if you can) you need to build some sort of following or portfolio to garner attention and ~eventually~ that leads to income.
...so i need to finish things, get better at my craft, figure out what my ~thing~ is. and to do that once again, i need to finish things.
aight so i write down some of the main reasons, start from the basic and keep delving deeper and deeper till i figure out the main issue that i can start working on. I didn't get very far before i started seeing a pattern lol.
My current reasons for my struggle to finish things-
1. struggle to start
2. struggle to stay focused
3. struggle to overcome problems
Now there are probaby more- but I figured the more I thought about this the more likely id get either frustrated or overwhelmed and then not move onto the next step. Of exploring each reasons and what hinders THOSE.
1a. no motivation
1b. no energy
1c. lacking resource/info/guidance
1d. depression
As an autistic person- these kinda aren't really surprising. Executive dysfunction is like a really hard thing to overcome and it effects a shit ton of things. I wouldn't be surprised if I also deal with PDA(pathologic demand avoidance). Some days the only thing hindering are things like 'cant open program' or 'cant move from spot to computer to work'. Some days I can do these and STILL just stare at my screen and my body and mind refuse to do anything.
Unsurpisingly as well, when moving onto the other reasons the hinders ended up being identical LOL.
But then I fall into the issue i've had since getting diagnosis, by looking at all of this the 'main issue' IS my autism. Its the executive dysfunction- its the fact that ive lived for decades undiagnosised and am now so fucking tired trying to fix myself when it never wouldve worked in the first place. To rewrite my brain from all the internalized ableism i most likely have.
But the resources to work with my autism are hard to come by and quite expensive.
I can't afford to change my environment- and there are a lot of things in my home that I can't change that ARE hindering my ability to function. Working with what i have simply isnt working anymore, but im right back to trying it- desprately wanting it to work because its the only thing i have access too.
right back to feeling helpless cause there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. Like theres no easier solution and im too tired to fight for myself anymore.
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