#i cant fucking do anything im so useless
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Please don’t look at me rn
#i’m such a pathetic piece of shit#i cant do anything i cant work i cant socialise#i’m fucking forever dragging Lily down it doesn’t deserve me at all#crying in bed now cause I TRIED to work from home because I was sick but not bad enough to not work#and then my head says no fuck you migraine attack#i cant fucking do anything im so useless#everyone at work fucking hates me as well i cant talk to anyone without feeling extremely awkward#no-one fucking likes me i have no friends of my own irl#straight up today I’m feeling the most suicidal i have felt like. ever.#dont worry though I would never go there and i’m conscious enough not to hurt myself#but the emotions and thoughts are there.#i hate myself so much today
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seriously though ... how on earth do i get my motivation/focus back???????
its been so long that i have been struggeling with art and i just .... i want to stop wasting time, day after day i just sit around and mindlessly play stardew valley (wasted 800 hours into the darn game, its a good game but thats way too many hours!!!)
i was listening to the arcane songs bc some of the new ones were rly good but now after the disappointing finale i cant do that, and neither have the show in the background, the hurt is too fresh and im bitter, i cant find anything to put on for the background noise
i keep thinking about all the things i could achieve if i could just ... if i could just DO it, but no i sit around feeling like im about to cry and nothing seems appealing/fun, its not quite that strong depression ... but it feels alot like it, time moves so fast and years go by and i get nothing done
i dont know what to do .. or what to try anymore, im so tired of everything and just want to be able to do something
#ganondoodles talks#personal#sorry i know its annoying to just see these kinds of posts over and over#on top of feeling the pressure to post literally anything bc the loss of twitter still hurts deeply#im so goddamn tired of being constantly on the edge of the worst versions of depression#i just want it to stop#but i cant GET IT TO STOP#and once again i lock at the time and its past 9pm and all i have done is fucking nothing NOTHING again#i want out of this so badly ... but i guess not enough since i cant get myself out of it#its so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!#its times like these that i just wish i was “normal”#go away garbage useless brain of not letting me do anything but feeling shitty 24 hours a day
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hhhhh
#sth#sonic the hedgehog#miles tails prower#tails the fox#messy tails doodle rn is all ur getting from me#im useless for anything else#trying to get more comfortable leaving shit more messy#i dont understand why i cant just do that normally#its how i always get tricked into doing line art#then i dont draw as much as i want#'lemme just clean this up'#<- the line art demons talking#its so hard for me to draw anything but a full body too#cus im already imagining the full pose it looks weird if i stop#hhhhh kneecaping myself#spend all day wanting to draw still dont draw till like 1 am#sogjndjns how the fuck do people think of something to do and just sit down and and DO it#dunkinsart
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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Evbo and Raymond eat sandwiches and drink water even if they don't like it and go outside even if it's just for a minute and don't rot 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍 they eat sandwiches and are happy and think binding while they're hungry sucks and they don't do it and take off their binders when it hurts 👍👍👍👍👍 they think it's gonna be okay 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
#projected too hard on them and have to reverse it but it sucks so bad#fuck my stupid autistic life#i cant do shit#im hungry#but the liquor store is so far and i don't have food#and im so tired#i wish i could just draw#i cant draw#and im wasting my life#i feel like every day im just rotting#vent#cw vent#tw vent#I'm so useless i cant do anything without thinking about evbo doing it first
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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actually i will say it it is wild to me still how people talk about tim in robin 93 re steph specifically as if hes the worst sexist motherfucker alive to her meanwhile alfred is beefing with this 16yo girl and talking shit instead of dealing with bruce like an adult and he gets the aww grandpa who takes care of everyone 🥺 treatment. girl he is useless
#hes not but u know. im being dramatic. alfred in robin 93 just really pissed me off sometimes#not to say that tim is faultless bla blabla u fucking know what i mean#these are grown ass adults treating this teen girl horribly alfred should not get a pass. destroy him#txt#he is useless the moment any actual conflict arises he throws up his hands like ah i cant do anything about this#the tims birthday shit. he didn't have to go along with that ! in fact he probably should not have!#but he does it while mad at bruce so its fine
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its been one of those weeks pass the suicide ideation
#vent#suicide mention#i cant take it anymore man im fucking useless#im horrible to people around me for no reason and i dont even do anything all day#and other than that im failing fucking everything in school so i wont even make it to college at this rate#who fucking cares anymore
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#i had a hangman/swerve fic started that i actually didnt hate but im not gonna finish it for tonight and posting it after makes no sense so#sweeping all that under a rug i guess#cause fuck me trying to do anything anymore#i was pretty happy with the progress too but. its just not happening#i just cant make anything. i cant and trying is not worth it#and i hate fucking saying that cause i know in like two days im gonna go back on that word and start making something again#cause making anything is the only way i feel alive anymore. but then the loop starts all over again and i cant ultimately break it#i dont know what im supposed to do about this. or what i can do. probably fucking nothing cause lbr i just fucking suck and its hopeless#whatever. sorry im just being a bitch once again. im resisting so hard of just deleting everything right now#instead im gonna go be fucking useless and waste time playing video games. cause thats a better use of my time i guess#i fucking guess#night is an absolute mess on main
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#txt#quite frankly been having a rough time !#i need a new prescription because my meds arent really working anymore#and for that i need to get another fucking assessment#and im so TIRED and exhausted and everytime i try to focus on anything i get so sleepy and so tired and i cant DO anything#like i literally keep crying cos i feel so fucking like . Idk useless really like jeshs christ whys it so HARDDD#audhd is fucking waxk as hell do not believe the hype this shit is annoying 😐#and ill only get an assessment like. late july. so. im gonna kill myself ?
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Bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#it doesn't' really matter if biden does horrible things cause if a republican candidate wins u dont seriously think theyre going to do#better do you? ok so biden sends weapons to israel and u think if a republican wins then theyll just stop sending them? at least biden#implemented some environmental protection and reversed some of the policies that trump made but i cant believe some ppl really think that#republican winning would be any BETTER than a democrat winningn no itd just be worse so stop being stupid#im talking about u leftist tumblr people... if u want things to not be worse then why dont u just fucking at least vote for a democrat beca#because literally no a third party candidate is not ever going to win and i dont understand what exactly ur even trying to say when ur sayi#saying dont vote for biden ok so then vote for trump instead? or dont vote at all even though u have the power to? or vote for a 3rd party#which is useless and wont do anything?#thats literally ur 3 choices if u can vote and one is better than the others sorry *shrug*
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I miss cutting so much I wish I could cut
#i dont evn have anything#cutting was the only thing that made me feel better#she keeps pushing and pushing me until i cant think and i start screaming and then she gets to act all calm and cool and act like im the#crazy one#i canr ducking take it#its mot like im the one who asked for this#you were the one who gave birth to me and couldnt even give me a home and im the one to nlame fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u#i cant i wish thete was a button to kill myself it would be so much easier#i already kmow those things you fucking idiot#ypu cpuldnt even treat the o e thing you claim to care about properly and u think u have the right to treat me like this????#i wish someone would kill me i wish i was steuck by lightning i wish i could go out in front of a car and die but i cant bc im a coward#i cant take being lonely anymore#i want to die#i wouldnt be useless if i had even an once of some support or not even support but if i wasnt left alone to rot i mightve been ok#not happy but okay#i csnt do this#why cant i be dead#i dont even know wjere to get blades#im so fucking useless im basically a child i know#but who made me like that huh??? dont fucking blame me for the thjngs u did#kill yourself seriously and give me a break
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anyone else in a deadend job and has no idea what theyre doing with their life. no? just me? okay great
#i dont know what to do.#how do you go from working customer service > to an office job or something IT#you have to go fucking study it and i dont want to go even more into debt than i already fucking am#i dont want to be in debt in the first place but i cant do anything about that#i wish i had just. not done lvl5 hospitality why did i do it? im so stupid like i fucking dropped out so its fucking useless to me anyways#i dropped it cause my fucking life went fucking down hill and it hasnt stopped#going downhill since then#ever since 2020 everything that could go wrong for someone it has happened to me#i just wish i had something nice going for me but i have nothing and i dont know how to get out of this situation because i am just stuck#speaking#im venting here and on twitter god i cant even afford a fucking therapist either to help with this situation
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love bluh bluh bluh
#初音ミク#ラビットホール#rabbit hole#hatsune miku#vocaloid#illustration#artists on tumblr#dooblenauts#i liked how this looked better while i was working on it#now it looks. so bad#the handcuffs look stupid. the background is stupid. the shading and rendering is stupid#why am i so afraid of trying new things my rendering now sucks idk what im doing its so unpleasing to look at#eugh. eugh#trying to get my shit together by trying to get a better sleep schedule. as a first step#cause that shits been fucked for ages#i slept at midnight and woke up at 6am and stayed up ALL day. i was SO proud of myself#then when i went to sleep at 8 or 9 last night i stupidly took a lil bit of a gummy to pass me out easier#it was apparently too much and i woke up at midnight freaking out#now im pissed off at myself for waking up at 10am cause of a fuck up i should have avoided but i wanted to go to sleep quicker#why do i suck. why do i suck!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway gonna burn myself out on drawing cause im useless and cant do anything else otherwise#hoping someone will be like 'hey nice art! heres some money draw me a thing'#but thats probably not gonna happen in a VERY long time#so im probably just gonna be useless for the rest of my life#dont take this as me trying to gain pity or anything im going through a mood and just really pissed off at myself 😭
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i really want to finish all my unfinished art before i turn 15 but im so burnt out rn 😭 </3
#i have two days#including this one#i wanna draw#but also i fucking hate drawing#but i love drawing but i HAT EIT AND ITS THE WORST AAAAAUUGGGHHHHHHHHH#mostly because i just wanna feel like less of a failure in some way#art for me is about 50% passion and 50% a crippling desire to prove that im not useless and an idiot#so because of the lack of stability there i always end up with a dozen unfinished art projects#when i cant live up to my own expectations i give up#i think this is me still clinging to my childhood in a way#i always wanted to be a child prodigy but i never had talent or skill in anything#so now that im rapidly getting further and further from childhood i feel a desperate need to prove that im not worthless#its like#my 15th birthday feels to me like how jonathan larson did about his 30th. is that fucked up to say ..#aaaaaaaaaaa :’) i want to finish all the art i promised but i genuinely just. cant#chase said something alright#sigh. i have ideas#im plagued with visions but i have none of the time#i want to draw patrick and pete#i want to draw the cast of community all smiling and stuff. because i love and adore all of them#id like to finish my vampire dallon art but im So Bad at shading without reference#i so desperately want to just share my art and feel okay but I CANT ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH#IVE MADE SO MANY EMPTY PROMISES ABOUT FINISHING ART AND SHARING ART AND AND AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#someone tell me im not useless#<- dont do that im responsible for my own happiness#anyway UM. sorry if you opened this#you know what. in spite of everything i didnt do at least um. uhhhhhhhh#i won a 3ft tall shadow the hedgehog plushie at a carnival.
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