#i cant even do anything or else ill be too awake now

[moon-mine679]

i hate falling asleep on the couch and waking up an hour before bed

[nbclover]

teehee

[inmirova]

"it's easier to leave an abusive situation than it is to stop an abuser" :^( but it's not easy :^(

[lowkeyren]

Hi there! I hope you're having a great day. I saw someone else do this, though I can't remember who but,

Tag your favorite author(s) and share which fic or line from their writing you love the most.

Feel free to ignore if you don't want to do it! Love you 💗

hol' up lemme cook (sorry for the tag!!)

“do you want to die?” he angrily counters and you click your tongue. “if it isn’t by your hands, no, no i don’t.” moze hated how you made his ears ring with such simple words. to bystanders –outsiders of your relationship– they would be concerned, but to moze, it was a declaration of the highest affection.  “then don’t die now,” he mutters. “your life is mine to take.” “not if i take yours first.”

@vxnuslogy : hate is a strong word.

ily vee please don't die i genuinely cant get enough of ur writing!!!!! therapy can't save me anymore, only vxnuslogy's fics can. (atp ill tattoo your mlist onto my body so ill never forget the url)

“This can’t be how your story ends." Your fist balls up the fabric of your pants in its grip. “Locked away, isolated from the rest of the world - that can’t be what you want. It is too cruel a fate for you.” For you, who loved humanity so deeply.

@milksnake-tea : say you still dare to dream.

+ the entire otosom series. thx for the posture check you saved me from scoliosis cus you never fail to have me sit up on my chair whenever you post. THE sunday writer EVER ong (defo the first author that comes to my mind when sm1 asks for sunday fic recs)

“This is unreasonable,” he starts. “Not for me, it isn’t,” you say softly. “If it’s for you, nothing is unreasonable.” His voice raises, trembling upon its crumbling pedestal, panic seeping into every word. “I don’t deserve that kindness - that mercy. I am a sinner, I am a traitor, I am-” “You are a man worth saving.”

You can’t see the mountains he’d overcome just to end the day resting in your arms. You don’t know the extent he would go just to win your love. It’s a fact that kicks at his knees, shuns him down and bruises his heart. If the Fortress of Meropide has taught him anything, it’s that there is no point holding your feelings back from living fully. There is no point to contain the human heart that has every desire to live with others, he has seen the sorrow of prisoners saying goodbye to loved ones, and how they dwell over words they should have said. Even his own time as a prisoner taught him so, because everytime he sat behind those bars, the faces of people he should have been more open to kept him awake at night.  Wriothesley would rather drown in primordial water than see you, the most important person in his life, hurting over his own negligence. 

@earthtooz : distance.

i think you shld know that i (re)read your fics religiously. 10/10 humor and ur portrayal of characters >> spot on honestly, another author whose fics r must-reads!!!

“don’t look at me like that.” you wished he wouldn’t look at you in that way; something tugs at your heart and suffocates you. “like what?” “i don’t know.” hesitation follows your tone, broken and unsure, seemingly lost in an empty field full of directions. “like…” like you wanted me like a lover, you keep the words at your throat knowing you’ll choke on it one day. you don’t know how to say it, you don’t even know if you can say it. it was as if the ability to speak has been taken away from you.

@azullumi : i wanna be yours.

always gotta lay on my bed when reading your fics cus how else am i supposed to giggle and kick my feet :((( no sitting on a chair isn't enough i need to roll around to satisfy my excitement.

but the comfort and warmth of his touch lingered on your skin—and you’ll remember it all; it will haunt you, follow your shadow everywhere you go, pulling on the hem of your shirt with the desperation of a dying man and you don’t know how to live knowing the way he held you on this night. how are you supposed to deal with the fact that his hands were as soft and warm as summer?

“still with the formalities... surely now you can address me by my name, can you?” jiaoqiu coaxes, like saying it might wash away all the fatigue in the world, because every inch of his being, from the tips of his ears to the veins in his heart and the wisps of his soul, his yearning and pining echoes and resounds in the cavity of his chest that holds only you, you, you. what, jiaoqiu wonders, would it take for him to be the sole beholder of your brilliance? his hands holding yours, gripping faithfully and unfalteringly, your fates bound by knots; crimson in nature, entwined forevermore? his eyes soften because of course they do—for you mold him into a being devoted to commemorating your existence into his flesh, your voice settling in the marrow of his bones.

@iceunhie : art of the fan.

#1 author to read fics of that'll GUARANTEE leave ur mouth agape btw. if you die without reading a fic from mhie WHAT WERE YOU DOING, YOU MISSED OUT BIG TIME BFRRR.

A soft grunt cannot be prevented when he finally, finally feels your touch staggering into a bundle of nerves on his wings. He feels you trace the sensitive flesh and soft feathers with delicacy, following a clumsy pattern down the bone then the ridge of his vertebrae like you’re counting the columns of his spine. His heart is at war with himself, hammering and loud in his ears as he becomes hyper fixated with your touch, he just had to be selfish a bit.

@luvether : his anatomy.

GUYS press 1 if you're addicted to this author's fics. (1)

your godsent works are like daily doses of dopamine. i legit devour ur fics up like who needs drugs when you have luvether!!!!!

Sunday had come so far to know you that he remembers how much you favor staying in a routine, a pattern. Your kisses fall similar to your paradigm, for you had traced your lips down the lines of his spine, sending sparks of electricity through his arteries.

there’s a glint of mischief in your eyes, a wolfish grin tugging on your lips. you dip your head, murmuring something into his ear just as stelle had done to you earlier. what leaves your lips is an apology. but what for? he — — you kiss him. his ears ring. faintly, he can feel several pairs of eyes boring into him, into you, and into what seemed to be a lingering kiss. yet all he can wrap his mind around is the tip of your nose against his skin, your warm breath fanning over his cheek. it is not a kiss. it is not a kiss. “sorry guys,” you declare, twirling back to face the group of researchers. they stare at you, stunned silent. you don’t mind a bit, your smile only brightening. “but he’s taken.”

@synqiri : today is yesterday's tomorrow.

so much to say sighs. but for this fic in particular (that has stuck w me ever since u posted it), the slowburn IS slowburning in a way that's like eating the least favourite food on ur dish and finally savouring ur favourite part for last ykwim??? EXCEPTIONAL WORK.

Boothill beams and it just serves to confuse your internal scale even more. One would think you’re suddenly inorganic with how it feels like you’re short-circuiting. Is this an acute onset of cardiac arrest? Or is it something else you’ve been pushing away for months on end? He nudges you back. “I knew you’d come around! And the first lesson of being a Galaxy Ranger,” he starts, “is to always get your hopes up.” Yeah… it’s definitely something else entirely. Something that, in all likelihood, is going to get you into massive trouble. You understand the risks that come with fraternizing with an outlaw, have weighed them heavily against your heart, and have reached only one verdict: You’ll sleep on it.

@tragedy-of-commons : call to action.

everyday i wake up with a headache because it physically HURTS me to see how underrated you are. ILL DO IT IF I HAVE TO SET UP A SHRINE IN YOUR HONOUR. ily gwennie pls never stop writing.

You would rather that the Xianzhou citizens know him as "The Dozing General" instead of the general that gets scammed a few times too many. How does one even go on about trying to tell their husband that the grimalkin in his arms is actually a lion? "A fitting name indeed," you mutter, raising a hand to caress Jing Yuan's cheek, a simple gesture to make the general direct his attention to you. However, you could still see that his guard was slightly up with you. You only chuckle at that, leaning in to slide your lips over his own, Jing Yuan wasting no time to press back. Another well hidden secret reserved for the walls of the Divine Foresight is the fact your husband is incredibly weak for his own spouse.

@generalsmemories : how do i tell my husband he got scammed into buying a lion.

^ who i go to when i'm deprived and in need of jing yuan content. literally one of my biggest inspos for writing, jy just feels so real in your fics. fr has me licking my plate n begging for more crumbs.

and many many more authors YOU'RE ALL AMAZING!!!! incld my other mooties too —THANK YOU FOR PUTTING YOUR HANDS ON THE KEYBOARD, PRESSING THE KEYS, AND SAVING MY LIFE WHEN YOU PRESS POST NOW.

[newstedz]

snowfall ☆ kirk hammett

okay so i'm relatively new to this but i just was so inspired by @mustainegf 's prompt that I just kept writing and writing and you get the idea. basic gist is that kirk calls you over to watch an old movie with him, its all fluff (timeframe is around 1987, post damage inc. tour.) also sorry for the incredibly generic title I literally cannot think of anything else

exhausted was an understatement.

you'd finally gotten a day off, and god was it needed. you barely had any energy to get out of bed to grab a snack, much less go outside. besides, it was freezing, and as much as you loved the idea of snow, it loses its charm when you're stuck waiting at the bus stop in the middle of a blizzard.  the day is yours, and ideally it would have been spent alone, tucked into bed. but then, you got a call. your stomach instantly dropped. you anticipated it'd be your boss, fabricating some asinine reason for you to appear at work today, even though nobody in their right mind would be out in the cold just to go to some shitty retail store. you pick up the phone with a groan. however, you're met with another familiar voice. one you weren't expecting, and suddenly, that dread in the pit of your stomach is replaced with butterflies.

"hey!" kirk beams from the other end of the phone. "sorry- did I wake you up?"

"no." you reply. granted, you weren't fully awake, but you didn't have the heart to make him think he may have been burdening you.

"oh.. okay!" he says, not seeming to need much convincing. "anyways, i just got this tape, you've gotta see this. it's some horror movie from like, the 50's or something. I got the tape  from this guy, he- I mean, that's not really important, I guess." he says, his enthusiasm dwindling as his voice grows more shy. "but I was wondering, I mean, i'd really like for you to come over and watch it with me. if you want." he offers sheepishly.

you can't help but smile. if it were anyone else, you'd consider making up some elaborate excuse about how you caught a stomach bug or fell ill after standing in the cold for too long. but you've known Kirk since you were kids, and you can't remember the last time you guys got to really hang out. between you working and his touring schedule, things just never seemed to work. it was something special to him, too. you knew how involved he was in tape trading, horror, and all that stuff you couldn't quite wrap your head around. but for him, you'd do it in a heartbeat. you gaze out the window. it's still snowing, but it had slowed to flurries. a thin layer of snow coats the grass and branches of the trees. you can't pass this up.

"sure."

"really? nice! so um. I'll see you." he exclaims, abruptly ending the call before you could even ask when he wanted you to be there. you sigh, getting up and heading for the shower.  one long bus ride later, you arrive at his door. as soon as you knock he rushes to the door, trying (and failing) to hide his excitement. "hey!" he grins, showing off his adorable, crooked smile. he steps aside allowing you to enter. "sorry its a mess in here. i just got back.." he murmurs. you cant help but laugh. "its whatever, man. i've seen worse from you." you reply, earning a chuckle from him. as soon as you two get settled, the snow gets heavy. very heavy. seems like you made it just in time. kirk seems to notice too. "looks like you're stuck with me."

_

the next hour is spent watching the movie, though it seems like it was only used as a catalyst for the two of you to play catch-up and for him to infodump trivia about the film. though you can't focus on the movie, at least not now. you're too focused on the way the light shines off his face and curls. the way he incessantly giggles when recalling a crazy road story. the snow is piling up outside, and it's only now that you realize he was trying to talk to you.

"hey, did you hear me?" he asks, tilting his head. he figured he was talking your ear off, though you really could listen to him all day.

"huh? i- no, you're good. i'm just.. cold." you attempt to wave it off unconvincingly, only leaving you to be met with more of his concerns. "are you okay? you were kinda just staring. are you bored? we can do something else, if you want." he murmurs as he gazes briefly at you, only to shift his focus to the TV screen. it could be the lighting, but you could've sworn you saw the lightest tinge of color come to his cheeks. 

"what about you?" you ask. the whole time you've been here, you've gotten the basic stuff, yeah. but it wasn't as personal as it used to be between the two of you. you used to stay up for hours talking about your worries, your goals. you were the first one he told about anything, and vice versa. but now it seemed like he was nervous just from being the same room with you. 

"what about me? i'm fine." he shrugs, now trying to shift the attention back to the movie.

"then why wont you look at me?" the question sorta just slips out. you didn't mean to pry, today was supposed to be lighthearted, but kirk's reaction seems to confirm your suspicions of there being something more, as he begins to stumble over his words. you place your hand gently over his. "you know you can talk to me, right?" as your eyes meet, his face goes red. "it's stupid." kirk murmurs again, though he knows he can't hide this from you anymore. "i feel like.. i'm running out of time. I mean- you're not always gonna be waiting around for me, and it's like whenever i'm gone, i.." he trails off, shifting his gaze away from you yet again. he takes a deep breath, gathering his courage. "I like you. like really like you, and I don't wanna drift off from you or mess anything up-" kirk rambles on, but you've heard enough. you laugh, suddenly scooting closer to him. all you give is an affectionate "shut up" before your lips meet. you move away to see his shocked expression, but he quickly swaps it for a huge, dorky grin as he pulls you in for another.

a few more shared kisses later, kirk pulls away, staring back at the window. he turns back to you. "y'know.. it's pretty nasty out there. maybe you should stay the night." he grins, not subtle in the slightest. you can't help but laugh and nod. suddenly, the room feels so much warmer.

[clockworkcheetah]

*shaking your shoulders* hiiiii tell me everything about your thought process behind writing your incredible bangfic the bad dog nerves, inspiration characters writing EVERYTHING it's so good tell us more

hiii getting to talk about my creations!!! ahhh

ok so cause its been a couple of months and my memory is nothingness aka im a little hazy on some stuff. buuuuuut i distinctly remember several things that heavily inspired TBDN im just gonna run my thoughts as they come so i apologise if its incoherent. i am also putting this under a readmore for the sake of everyone. and because spoilers for the fic

first inspo was deathmark2 cause it got its english translation earlier this year (i love deathmark but ill say everytime i talk of it its very difficult to recommend cause it needs so many content warnings). im very much the kinda person who can and will mash fandoms together- ill make those parallels. god cant stop me. basically dm is what got the ball rolling for me- spirits and possession and influenced moods. its only inspired pretty loosely by dm- very much the general concept/brainrot for both fandoms kinda deal. also more horror elements in dghda yes pls

another thing that inspired it was the doctor who ep 'midnight'. that ep was chilling- i think about how you can tell ten is fully awake and aware during his possession and it stuck with me- a+ acting from david. its a fear of mine being fully awake/aware whilst having no control of your body/immobilised and you cant do anything but wait for the inevitable. granted todd leaned more towards anger, or like the five stages of grief, than fear. but that felt more him also cause it went on longer than a few hours (or rather he expresses his fear through anger/lashing out) but i wanted that ugly rawness of it- hes nervous like a bad dog ay ayyyyyyy

(i sorta wish i went harder with it at the end with his scene with dirk, but alas he was burnt out and healing)

also tbh i just love scenes like that in media too. the character is right there! its so close and nobody is helping them so they gotta save their own ass and be a bitch about it

also i just kinda wanted more fics where dirk just fucks up?? like theres no hoops being jumped through to make what he said right (im not exactly a fan of this fanon!dirk where hes this saint who does no wrong/is always right/everyone else is to blame) so that was a goal in mind when writing this- dirk mostly, but also amanda to an extent of being wrong (not like in some horrible malicious way just. you made a bad call. u gotta live with it). also why todd was quicker to forgive farah (or at least be on better terms with her than the others- i really wish i included a convo between them aw well) granted these arent really specific to this fic- i like to have it in other fics, i need those two to fuck up. as well as todd getting to be angry/upset without this notion that he cant cause he did bad things therefore can only be bad, undeserving person forever cause thats how it works obviously (look if i wanted content of todd fucking up id watch the show lemme have something else with fics- ok ill stop being salty now asdfghjkl;)

i also really wanted the aftermath of what happened to be explored (i love the concept of possession/mindcontrol but shows kinda brush it off after the character is freed. like??? youre telling theyre all sunshine and fine now??? no way, theres gonna be a recovery period. aka todds body being weak from literally having zero nutrients, miru not taking care of the body, also learning to have control of his own body again

with the characters or i guess specifically project miru, she wasnt inspired by anything specific. i really like tragic but unsympathetic characters in media so wanted to have a try at it, and to explore the whole riggins' favouritism towards dirk and how the other projects may have felt. idk how well i pulled it off but i had fun writing her interactions with todd even if it was mostly them being dicks to eachother and being a dick to everyone

ok my brain is starting to run on empty so ill close up this haha.

im sure this is universal but when i got the idea of this fic i had the immediate The Scenes™️ for it. they were: amandas confrontation and realising that oh shit it isnt todd the whole time that scene was vivid in my head (also fave scene to write!!) and the other is the final scene with dirk and todd and todd breaking down. todds kinda the 'strong' one of the two (to dirk) and the caretaker- so someone takes care of him and lets him be upset with everyone

but yeah!!! some of my thoughts behind the creation of TBDN 💖🥰🧡 theres stuff i wish i included in the fic and ideas i had after i had already posted but im happy with it regardless. at its core i just wanted some sweet sweet todd whump i wanna traumatise that little man

[musubiki]

What kind of drunk would each of the guild members be? I’m hiding from one of my friends right now cause they’re really chatty so I’m wondering if any one is like that when the guild is like that

LMFAO!!!! IM SORRY YOU GOTTA HIDE FROM THEM!!!!!!!

lemme see...,. first this is obviously all post-timeskip because thats when theyre old enough to actually drink!! coco is the only angry drunk in the group. she gets drunk and starts yelling about all her problems (she doesnt have that many...things like "how come somtimes you (taffy) only give me one kiss when you get back huh?!" grabbing his shirt collar and shaking him

taffy is sadly the tired drunk. he gets even more tired than he usually is, and immediately starts nodding off. hes the one you gotta drag his ass home because he cant stay awake for more than 2 seconds

oscar is usually the happy kind!! and the adventurous kind!! youd lose him and then 10 seconds later find him dancing on the bar counter with some girl he just met!! also the insufferable kind that doesnt want to leave the bar/party and keeps escaping and doing shots every time you look away

lime is a loud drunk. not necessarily chatty, but loud. everything he says hes yelling over everyone and being dramatic. unless you put him next to mochi, in which he turns into the touchy "lets go to the storage room real quick-" kind of drunk with her that requires fending off with a stick and constantly slapping his hands away (if "drunk actions are sober thoughts" was a person) (this version of lime is only really shown when hes with the guild because he doesnt trust his m34th coworkers enough to get drunk around them.)

mochi...im not sure...she might be that one friend who is usually the sober one that ordered a strawberry smoothie or something and is responsible for getting everyone else home safe (somehow i cant see pom being okay with miss cat witch willingly getting drunk and not being in her right mind). i think she would only be able to get drunk if they were at home, and lime says something like "Here how about this, you drink all you want and ill be the sober one this time alright? Im not gonna let anything happen so just enjoy yourself."

anyway that being said......i think she would be on the quieter side and very wobbly. ALSO not too dissimilar from lime in the sense that she gets very affectionate with him... the entire time shes out of it she has some kind of physical contact with him...holding onto his sleeve so she doesnt fall over, leaning on his arm, SOMETHING, meanwhile lime trying to be as responsible and respectful as possible and keep in mind "No, thats wrong, shes drunk--" when she starts getting more and more touchy and he needs to DIG DEEP to find that inner strength

[knnichs]

JOIN THE CLUB - THE GENRE LIST

Welcome! Will you have the chance to be onstage? 

Please follow the rules of this blog. For this event (and this event only) will I write for all characters.

“actually, lets go out…” – ACTIVITY

they want to take you out! where do they bring you? what is their ideal place to spend time with you?

“but you–you look absolutely…” – BEAUTY

did you catch them looking? they hope not. they cant help themselves, you look too good to be true! how do they compliment you? is it awkwardly or are they upfront about it?

“ill scare them away for you.” – COMFORT

any troubles? they’ll give the comfort you need first of course.

“don’t! i mean–do whatever you want.” – DREAM

you’re going on a date with someone else and they cant help but feel jealous. will they tell you they like you right now? or will they wait for that “perfect moment”? they’ve always dreamed of being with you instead of those people you go out with. they can treat you better.

“do you want this?” – EQUAL

you’re out on a date or going shopping. do you split the payment? or do they shoulder it for you? 

“too far.” – FIGHT

can you forgive them easily after a huge fight? did they say anything that hurt you? how do they act when they’re mad?

“thank you, really.” – GRATITUDE

how thankful are they with the things you give them? do they show it in their own unique way?

“don’t hide anything from me.” – HONESTY

do they keep any secrets from you? are they protecting you from something? or are they just hiding something else?

“i want to be better” – INSPIRATION

are you their inspiration? how did they change throughout your relationship?

“just what are you doing?” – JEALOUSY

how do they act when they’re jealous? or are you jealous because of someone who likes them? then, how do they make it up to you?

“can i kiss you?” – FIRST KISS

how was the first kiss like? was it awkward? when did it happen?

“i love you.” – LOVE CONFESSION

they finally admitted they liked you. how do they do it? traditionally or impulsively? 

“marry me–i mean, merry christmas…” – MARRIAGE

how do they propose to you? was it a disaster or did it go well?

“wait, what did you call me?” – NICKNAME / PETNAMES

what do they call you? how did it start? 

“oh…no.” – ON CLOUD NINE

what are they like falling inlove with you? did you notice it or did they hide it well? did they change how they act around you?

“hold my hand!” – PDA

do they like PDA? are they okay with it? or are they a private person?

“thats surprising.” – QUIRK

how do they use their vision in the relationship? do they do it often or not at all?

“i didnt expect that from you!” – ROMANTIC

how romantic can they get? from dates to how they act at home, how do they show you they love you?

“are you being serious?” – SUPPORT

how do they show their support for you and your hobbies? when you encounter a problem in your hobby or career, do they help face it with you?

“tonight? or tomorrow?” – THRILL

how do they give you the same feeling you two got during the honeymoon phase of your relationship? do they take you to an amusement park or do they bring you to a nice restaurant with a view over the city?

“let me help you.” – UNDERSTANDING

how well do they get you? are they able help you through tough times? do they know what you like and dislike?

“would you still love me even if i was a worm?” – VALUE

how much do they value your relationship? do they succeed in showing you that?

WILD CARD

you may select your own prompt, so long as its SFW and within my rules!

“this is new.” – XOXO

are they a very cuddly person in private? how about when they’re half awake? how do they show their love for you physically?

“you miss me that much?” – YEARNING

how do they handle their extremely difficult case of “i miss you”?

“i choose you and me, religiously.” – ZEAL

what are they willing to do for you? are they willing to risk everything and lose anything for you?

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

Weekly Tag Wednesday

thank you for tagging me @lingy910y

name: gigi

age: 24

location: BKYN

we're going on a trip!

where are we going? a part of me wants to say somewhere getting real fun snow after getting a few bullshit flakes this week but lets get some sun, enjoy architectural wonders and eat very, very well in CUBA 🇨🇺

what's the weather like there right now? in the mid 70's

are you an over-packer or a light packer? i am a mild overpacker, i generally do a good job of keeping it light but i cant resist throwing in that extra dress etc. (the real problem is that my closet is overstuffed)

are we taking a plane or a train? i loooove trains more than the normal amount but alas, we have to fly

early morning departure or overnight trip? early morning departure on short flight like this i want it to still be daylight when we get ther

what song are you playing in the car while we drive to catch our departure? getting in the mood with some jazz

we need to grab something on the way, starbucks or dunkin'? we're going to a place with beautiful coffee, neither

we've made it to the transportation place! be honest, are we on-time or are we rushing because we're running late?

we are roughly 2 hours early and im still going to ber nervous about missing the flight

are you taking the window seat or aisle seat? i usually like the window seat

we're settle in our seats, are you gonna read or watch a movie/show? i watch movies through the whole flight, dont even bother with anything else

what are you reading/watching? mmm i really want to watch a bronx tale, so ill download that, but honestly on long flights ill ipad baby myself and watch whatever easily watchable movies they have to keep myself entertained

are you using wireless or wired headphones? wireless + noise canceling

are you going to take a nap or stay awake? oh to be relaxed enough to fall asleep on a plane! when i fly i am literally paralyzed with fear and anxiety, and will make it all of your guys problem too :) would be nice though

do you want a salty snack or a sweet snack? i usually buy a bag of peanut m&ms to reward myself for being good on flights, like all adults I assume

we're arrived! are we heading straight to activities or are we gonna rest at the hotel? were dropping our shit off, then going to eat some Ajiaco Cubano, then the beach, then eating Ropa vieja, visiting the unfinished national arts school of cuba (pictured below), then maybe finding some drinks and live music at night rinse and repeat

finally, pick a treat to reward yourself for a travel day well done!

a cup of cuban coffee and some cookies

where are we going next? @hazeisblue @iansw0rld @rainbowbri @sweetperversiongirl @ryantryinx

[flockofdoves]

really really really have never been this sick in my life i cannot express this enough. like ive had other types of extreme pain and discomfort from disability stuff but i've never had such extreme symptoms from a contagious illness before. it just keeps changing and feeling even worse

can hardly talk right now my throats so blocked and in pain but also cant breathe out of my nose. have absurdly painful sinus and eye pressure i can hardly move my eyes around without searing pain. my fever keeps coming and going. i have extremely painful body aches.

i just feel like i can hardly breathe i dont know what im supposed to do. ive been so fortunate that all my time using a cpap ive never had any congestion or runny nose or anything but now it makes the process of using it so weird. and like objectively im better off with it than without it but it comes with all new considerations and i cannot fully keep asleep at night. i already was having trouble with my cpap prescribed pressure probably being a bit too low and now i just really really desperately need it to be higher or else i dont even barely know how i'm supposed to breathe at night when i cant even while consciously awake

[six40seven]

September 16-18th

I didnt go to school. I told Niki i was feeling too sick to and she just nodded and said it was fine. Just by her body language i could tell she was distracted by something else and i didnt want to bother her more then necessary. I wanted to say thanks to all the people on here sending kind messages and concerned asks. I am okay. I was just a little rattled these last few days and well, of course today. I havent slept in almost 32 hours. There is no way in hell im closing my eyes and waking up somewhere strange again with no recollection of how i got there.

This doesnt make sense, and i can tell youre telling me in your head “Ran you need to sleep.” And i know you’re right but it was just horrifying. I have a hard enough time remembering what i do when im awake. Why would this suddenly start happening to me. Its unfair. I was doing fine. Now im not, and i dread falling asleep again. Im too afriad to ask Niki to instal a lock of sorts so last night and the night before and really any time I’ve been feeling the urge to sleep.. well I’ve began to tie my foot to my post. ITS NOT TIGHT. I just dont want to wander off again.

Fall break is soon. I mean sorta. I attempted to attend school online the second day home after the ordeal but my connection was too shit. I guess its the trees blocking the signal. Or maybe the mountains. Speaking of trees, i havent left my house since that day. I dont want to risk whatever happened happening again, worse while im awak. Not that i think it will but the way the trees just… tempt me sometimes. I cant risk walking to the bus or walking even out of my house. WHEERE i use to consider it a blessing to not live in the town houses, i now regret never moving closer. Fuck. Its been so long since I’ve been outside im worried my skin will fall off my body and ill die if i spend one more day barred in my room.

Its okay, for the most part. besides the natural (?) urge i have to be outside all the time. Ive sort of forgotten to document much these o past few days. But i dont think anything else significant happened. As far as related to me. Niki didnt come back the first night and i spent all that time in ym room with the blind drawn and the lights on. I was afriad if i turned the lights off i would nod off. I ended up watching YouTube and Netflix on my laptop as well as cleaning my entire room.

Usually my room is a trash heap, i like it that way, its like having my own nest. But that first night. I couldn’t stand all the things and i pretty much Ed cleaned everything top to bottom in less then 3 hours. I found a few interested things while i was doing that, including but not limited to: a box full of my old Polaroids and camera, a stuffed animal i thought i had lost which went back onto my bed, and a total of 20 spare dollars made mostly out of 1 Dollar bills and quarters.

The only thing of real interest was the Polaroid camera. I thought i lost that thing years and years ago. I only know i had one at all because i have some older pictures pinned places and tucked into my phone case. Theyre all of people i dont really know but i like to think i do so i can carry some part of them with me. They must have been important to me at some point yk. So i decided to look through and sort out any of the Polaroids i remeber or anything like that. These are my findings. I’ll explain them after i show them to you.

starting at the left top and going left to right. It reads Nov 1st 20##. all of these are from when i was a kid. maybe when i was in 4th or 5th grade? Im not entirely sure the exact age i was. The photo shown is a picture i must have taken of some sort of important journal entry, i cant really read it but at least if i ever needed to remeber taking a picture.. I remember, thanks past me.

The next one, in order, is a picture of two shadows. Maybe three. Probably me. Maybe Niki… or Eryn. we were close when we were kids and hes in two of these already. So ill just mention him. idk if he will be okay with me talking about him on here. I dont think he knows i have this account. hopefully he doesnt find it. Not that i would care very much. He just doesnt like me. The caption is just a date. oct 3rd. no year. I wonder when it happened? sometime in my childhood probably. I havent used this camera in years and years. I lost it so long ago.

The third is a weirdly saturated picture of a park in my town. The bigger town. Its just weird. And the caption says… evacuating or something. Its sorta weird. also Niki might have taken this picture because her name is on it too. Seems like her type of thing. from what i remeber as a kid, when we still lived in the big town, she was into weird saturated pictures. Something about scene. I dont know really.

The fourth is on the second line of pictures i found in the Box. On the bottom left. It says July 20## again sometime in my childhood. It shows aforementioned Eryn crouching ont he ground showing something to everyone. Or the viewer. I can see myself, or younger me. Younger me off to the side. Someone else took this picture. I dont remeber this happening. But it was important enough to keep so there it is. Thats pretty much it.

The fifth, wow thats a lot of numbers. Its got a smiley face :) on it. and its a picture of the lake. Yk the one bordering the left side of the bigger town. Its one of the smaller more muddy parts so its all gross. Probably from a hike that i wanted to remeber with Niki or something. I loved the lake when i was a kid. It was fun to swim in but after… after awhile i stopped going and then it closed because of something weird and now you can only go hiking near and around it.

The sixth. A picture of me and ****** hugging. Eryn in the background. It reads Eryn & ##### July. Its a cute picture. I dont know… who ****** is? Yeah i dont know. but i must have known them at one point because thats them. Yeah. They look familiar in the worse way and i pretty much threw that one back in the box as soon as I could. I dont like lookign at it. My stomach hurts when i do.

The seventh. And last a picture of a cat. Even when i was a kid i also apparently liked cats. It reads Spring 20##.

So yeah. I just wanted to say im glad i was able to find them and document them somewhere. I also thought while im explaing photos and stuff ill go into a little detail about what i discovered from that night. Posted on here.

The first piece is clearly a path somewhere in the forest. If i were to say, somewhere further in the mountains, near where the older remains of mines are. The only thing wrong about this piece is that…. When i posted it, theres no wya for there to have been snow. So either the photo is altered in some way, which is unlikely, because from what i can tell it was posted in the middle of the night. Or it was actually snowing wherever i was. even though all the previous days it had been raining.

The next picture looks like some sort of underground tunnel, lined with bricks and ending in step leading up to a barred and maybe locked? I dont know, barred iron gate. I have never seen that place before. Ive been in a lot of abandoned buildings that I’ve found near here but I’ve never seen something like this. The only explaination i can give for the location is possibly a sewer enterance somewhere in the basement of one of the older buildings, not from the big town but rather from the smaller town nearer to my house. Again, it looks like its snowing. Which makes no sense in any context, since it was snowing when i woke up (even though i said i thought it was) and because if this was underground where would snow be coming from? The title says… I heard you. Im here. I dont remeber this. Obviously. and i dont know who i would have.. heard? It doesnt make any sense.

The third picture… i dont have much to say. It looks dark. Maybe its related to the second picture, maybe its on the otherside of the gate. But I’ve never seen a place that dark before. Especially if it has walls. which I think it does. so it must be in a building somewhere out in the forest. Sorta supports my abandoned building theory. Or abandoned mine shaft? I have no idea. But the capture is clearly a long hallway. the caption says something is wrong. No duh. I am clearly self aware even if i dont remeber. I wonder if i act different..

Anyway, thats all for the last few days. I probably will end up attending school tomorrow. Niki isnt home yet, its near the end of the day so if she isnt home by now im assuming shes staying overnight at the office. wouldn’t be the first, wont be the last. I might get a snack before trying not to fall asleep a third night in a row. If anyone wants to chat with me, ill be open to the distractions.

[parallelimitations]

i am getting really sad again for some reason, i don’t know what it is. i don’t think it’s the seasons changing or anything. i think that this city is too small, and i need to go somewhere else or something. but i know that the constant guilt and loneliness will follow me wherever i go, maybe i need therapy or to be back on lexapro again. maybe i should stop posting my feelings on the internet.. and invest in a diary maybe. i don’t know. my body aches, i think i really started to fuck things up when i was 20. i wish i was kinder in general to myself and everyone around me, I’ll probably say the same about me at 23. i don’t know who to talk to about the feeling of hopelessness just dragging on me, i have to take my meds a little too often to stay awake and not rot in bed all day. then at night, of course, when my meds keep me awake ill smoke until i pass out and i will be haunted in my dreams. i will see the same things, it’s never a bad dream. but it feels just real enough to devastate me all over again, i will feel the loss and the fear like it’s new. i do not like being a downer and do not tell anyone any of this, i don’t know what good it would do. it happens all the time. i cant drink even. my body is ironically allergic to alcohol ive discovered (that and if i drink i become happy and social! what a dangerous thing to feel. that’s okay, because an hour later whether it be just two beers my body will betray me and i won’t be able to breathe) sometimes i will say it’s worth it and drink. i always regret it, it’s actually so funny that i am allergic to alcohol for some reason. i will stick to a Diet Coke usually, unless of course, i am out with friends and i feel like i have nothing to say or my body is (and it always is) in a constant state of needing to run. i am just so anxious all the time, and there’s so many people i want to talk to and bridges i want to un burn i feel like in a weird way i deserve that fear. i am a lucky girl, i know im in a good position right now and i love my boyfriend. i love my two friends that i have. i am just very lonely. ok thanks to the porn bots that follow me.

[face2facewithabsinthe]

Casual conversation

Cut me piece of that pack would you?

Cuz a fag would really do me some good right now.

Remind me again, what exactly is it that you do?

Accountancy? Marketing? Some corporate job?

Right right thats it. Hows that working out for you?

Really? I didn’t take you for the kind.

No no I mean, I just never really imagined you quitting your job, or anything else for that matter. 

Always known you to be the kinda guy to see it through you know?

But yeah…. good for you!

So….. whats next?

Mhm yeah…. nothing planned huh?

Well Ill be damned, YOU?

Seriously, YOU? 

Without a PLAN?

That job really fucked you up good huh?

What about your wife and kids though, you gotta feed em somehow dont you?

Oh ma, Im sorry dude.

How long has she been …. you know……

That’s real tough man.

I wish I could say that I know what youre going through but I really dont.

When did you find out?

Ohh shit is this the reason why you rang me like 6 times that day ?

Man, Im sorry dude there was a work function and I was hammered and you know it being 3am I was sleeping. Once again Im so sorry—

I probably should have called you after but I kinda just forgot…..

Yeah yeah so no hard feelings? 

Alright man .

Well I hope the kids are okay at least.

Hey……. remember when we used to play football in the back of the school? The old pitch was locked up and you’d always find some way to get in? Wire cutters, climbing the fence, using rocks to try to break the lock….. You always found a way.

Didnt we also blame you everytime we got caught? Hahaha.

You were always the hardy one. No matter how fierce the teachers were to you, you never once flinched!

……

…….

….

You gotta go already? So soon? 

Ill guess ill catch you later then,

call me if you need to talk alright?

What? What do you mean?

What do you mean you can’t? Something happened to your phone?

Look, I know I messed up the last time but like I said, I was fast asleep man like what do you want me to do?

Okay now you’re just being unreasonable, 

Im not a bad person just because I didnt pick up your calls that day. 

Mind you, it was you who rang me up at the witches hour.

No, I know that I shouldve been there for you,

but was it really all my fault? You cant put this all on me.

You keep saying that youre already gone what does that even mean?

What does that mean?

Youre already gone?

Already gone?

Gone.

You are gone.

It means that you are already gone.

There was no work function.

You did not call me at 3am.

My phone rang at 12,

I was awake,

lying on bed,

about to sleep.

I saw your name but was too lazy to pick it up.

I thought you’d call me again the following day.

The call never came.

The next time I saw your name, was on the funeral card.

The one who brought down the guillotine, was me.

I should have picked up.

I should have been there.

I messed up.

You left so soon.

But I didnt know.

“He never quits”

“He has his wife and kids he wouldnt do anything silly”

“He has a plan for everything he’s probably fine.”

I was wrong.

And so the sun arose and awoke the streets.

Reality repeats, without him.

People still smile and children still play.

But not me, and not him.

As I stare at the bustle and life of the city,

I realise,

That though there may be billions of souls visiting this very plane.

You never quite know, how much a single soul can mean to another.

You never really know,

how important you may be,

to another.

Sometimes, I forget that I could have done something.

Sometimes, I forget that despite it all, it was his choice.

Sometimes, I forget, that I smoke…..alone.

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

moments like this.

i miss playing the piano for my mother. in our dingy carpet covered floored low income apartment. with her clapping in hysterics and nodding to the timed beats and 4 by 4 rhythm. shit, i miss sneaking out just to feel the wind in between my hair. the moon looked bigger then. all of those yearnings to feel alive when i felt nothing inside. how did i feel that loneliness back then in my teenage body and think it was the weight of the world then. my shaking hands un buttoning my first pair of pants, with the unknowing of what i was doing. how those moans i faked were just simple bits of desire i fabricated from pixels on a screen. being full with just a bag of cheetos a day,.,.why doesnt it taste the same anymore. i miss having so much energy and the willingness to smile even when i didnt want to. finding quarters in the ground and thinking i've finally made it to wealth. falling and skinning my knees on skateboards i painted with nail polish. covering ukuleles with hello kitty stickers n giving away everything i owned cuz i knew all i really cared about were the clothes on my back...my sense of indignation w my freedom, and my guitar. now i cant leave a place without counting my losses.

i miss screaming so loud. on top of hills with city skyscrapers. counting the lights in the houses just to see who else was awake. if they felt dead or alive or just hollow. i miss throwing fits. begging to be heard when i knew i was already listened to by one too many ears, i would just be misunderstood. i miss punching mattresses just to know my knuckles could really be scraped even on fabric, getting black eyes just to validate my sense of strength.

and im still screaming. just now in an almost 26 year old body. im aged so why do i feel like ive put away my romanticized youth,. buckled my boot straps w my oh so forced sense of optimism,. deemed inappropriate i cant rly feel anything anyway or its just whut ill write ab and say that i say.

[jolynesapphic]

my ex friend’s mum is coming to our house tomorrow bc caity wants 2 buy some clothes from her and im feeling jus a little bit awkward!!!!

[insertdisc5]

Hi!! I wanted to ask, in celebration of Deltarune CH. 2, do you have any updated thoughts and head canons about the game?? Like, y'know, similar to a previous ask about Kris in your Deltarune tag? Thanks!

thoughts on kris part 2 i guess???? (part 1 from ch1 here lol)

spoilers for deltarune like woah. this wont be kris focused just random thoughts on everything. thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk

not that many thoughts for this chapter tbh! EDIT LOL: this was a lie i have a lot of thoughts

-just in general i feel like the player isn't the only one controlling kris... like yes the player forced kris to do what happened in the snowgrave route but AT THE SAME TIME idk it feels like there's someone else too. just because of the terrifying voice i suppose. and also the jerky movement kris does every time they get their soul out? unless there's another reason for it... maybe getting your soul out means you walk weird lol

-BUT ALSO i feel like kris is 100% in control when they create fountains. idk it just makes sense kris would create them. to create another world, a better world, A WORLD WHERE THEIR BROTHER IS HERE PERHAPS? i do wonder why they get their soul out then though. i'm all for it sweetie! do whatever! i support you!

-(i am and will be playing deltarune with only kris' best interests in mind. i will not hurt anyone unless kris wants me to. dont worry my little meow meow im on your side! talk to me! no? okay ill stay under the sink its fine)

-speaking of asriel. SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER (starts crying) V-VACATION COLLEGE WHEN

-kris misses their brother so much it's so sad. if you make kris steal 5$ from asriel they take it "reluctantly"? talking to asriel online so often even alphys knows?? the google search?? GOING INTO ASRIEL'S GOOGLE SEARCH ROOM WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY ALREADY KNOW WHATS IN THERE? THAT ONE IS LESS OF A MISSING THING BUT IM LIKE OH MY GOD

-the city walk with susie at the end makes it clear to me that kris really values susie's friendship... kris even sits with her if you spend long enough near the lake like aaaaah ;_;

-and even in snowgrave you spend your last acts with the final boss calling for your friends like YES there's a way bigger creepy aspect to this (kris as more of a Leader who Commands and commands their subjects to come) but still :'0 (and then noelle answers oh my god noelle im so sorry for the trauma)

-berdly. listen. listen. listen. liste

-berdly sucks but [berdly hurts his arm in the battle against queen if you don't save him because he doesnt want to hurt you] [berdly realizing smg's wrong in snowgrave and immediately taking steps to save noelle] berdly is my little crumb nugget. i will protect him.

-noelle. noelle. girlboss!

-like ooooh listen. hearing about the genocide path for undertale. made me go "that is SO COOL. i HAVE to experience it myself this is great. hehehe killing time" and like no regrets. i was fully enjoying the experience knowing i was an awful person. SNOWGRAVE THOUGH. i will never try this myself its too fucked up. casually grooming your childhood friend to murder people <3 and also acting like a weird stalker towards her <3 stockholm syndrome speedrun i will get all the info i can about this but i will never do this myself

-people remarking the kris/player>noelle relationship is similar to the relationship between player>chara in genocide path is like yes. chefs kiss. don't worry we just are making you stronger and everything will be fine "you made me kill my friend? and for what?" this is fine sweetie don't worry about it!!!!!!

-like the amount of details added to snowgrave, like if you equip noelle's watch she notices later? and her battle animations change as time goes on, she gets an ice shield and stops sighing in relief after battle? oh my god? oh my god.

-(berdly is not awake.) JUST KILL ME RIGHT HERE I HAVEN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT BERDLY NOT BEING AWAKE!!!!!

-also why didnt he turn into dust. so many possible reasons. is magic a thing in the normal world and perhaps no magic means no dust (theres graves). maybe he isnt dead. maybe hes braindead. maybe he'll come back. either way that boy is now in the closet big enough to put someone in

-also dess' name probably being december AND THATS WHY NOELLE LOST THE SPELLING BEE?!?!??! FUCK ME UP!!!!! JUST FUCK ME UP!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

-also so many good pixel art this chapter. too many? i didnt need pixel art of cardboard noelle falling on the statue. like thank you but please. please it hurts my game artist brain.

-the expressions in this chapter were also top notch. all the unsettling noelle expressions like (i fall over face first)

-i threw away the ball of junk (which i already tried in ch1) and this time the game was like "ARE YOU SURE BC THIS IS A BAD IDEA" and kris felt bitter :'( (it deletes all your items in the dark world)

-i uh fucked up and skipped the susie+noelle scene bc listen last time ralsei mentionned seeing what susie is doing we missed some PRIMO LORE. turns out it just makes you skip the scene and you dont get anything new. welp

-speaking of ralsei well you know. he exists. but im stuck on him going "i just wonder what being ralsei-like even is...?" ralsei my dude there's so much i could say about this. do you feel like you can't be ralsei-like because you feel like you have to be asriel-like

-but also that makes no sense bc susie hasnt even mentioned ralsei looks like asriel. and i cant imagine asriel being so meek. so WHAT GIVES

-ralsei as kris’ “i wish i was a monster just like my bro and family and i’d look like asriel but with red horns [THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME] and my name would be something cool like ralsei instead of a boring human name like kris and im sweet and cute because thats how i act with asriel because ASRIEL MADE ME” theory because that would be cute.

-ASRIEL GOING TO THE CHURCH TO CONFESS HIS "SINS" WHEN "SINS" AREN'T A THING IN THE ANGEL BELIEF LIKE I KNOW THIS INTERACTION WAS TREATED AS A JOKE BUT WHAT THE FUCK ASRIEL?

-kris definitely has a connection with the big red door in the city, judging by what the kids say they probably went there... i feel like this place's dark world will be the Final Dungeon you KNOW some shit happened there. also the sounds you hear when you go there is the phone dark world call's sound slowed down? AND AFTER SNOWGRAVE APPARENTLY YOU CANT HEAR IT ANYMORE? HUWAH?

-speaking of songs the songs were all so good, My Castle Town rules, the berdly snowgrave music is stuck in my head, flashback is uwah wuahah, Until Next Time is so good, AND ALSO A FRIEND NOTICED THE DARK WORLD CITY THEME IS JUST tHE SONG 74 (MOST NOTICEABLE WITH THE SNOWGRAVE VERSION)?????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN????? it might be just "hey its just reuse" BUT MR FOX YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA READ INTO THIS IS NOELLE THE ONE SINGING IDK BRO!!!!!!!!!!

-asgore dreemurr fired from the force what happun!!!!! game theory is that asgore is related to dess' death/disappearance but eh who knows

-you start the chapter at lvl2 and get to lvl3 after the final boss, a friend mentioned this is probably because we destroyed a world and im :0

-to go back to kris it's still so interesting to figure out who they are based on how they act/people mention them. like kris shaking the ferris wheel car? yeah makes sense i can imagine a pranking kid do this. kris' dance? yeah thats a little silly but i can buy it. doing cool anime poses? well i dunno this doesnt line up PERFECTLY but sure. BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN SNOWGRAVE... especially >proceed like that is such a weird thing that i can't imagine them doing, but i can't completely see the "player" doing either (compare with going to sans -which kris doesnt know- and going "SANS!" because of course the player would know sans), like THATS one of the reasons i feel like there's someone else in there. the weird robotic merciless actions. if im going super meta it feels like there'd be someone else like writing the choices into existence for us to pick you know? gaster probably? god i need to read more gaster theories i completely sidestepped the gaster shit bc i wasnt interested. anyway just spitballing

-(looks at big shot guy) please dont make him the next tumblr guy i beg you

-obligatory "queen was great" mention if only because this part made me laugh a little bit too hard

that was a lot. thank you for letting me talk