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#i cant call that relaxing
aterfish · 2 months
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Adding to the list of cool fucking things you can watch: perseids
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akkivee · 2 months
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JAKURAIS SOLO IS CALLED POMP AND GALLANTRY
HIFUMIS SOLO IS CALLED THE LAST SONG OF THE BEGINNING
DOPPOS SOLO IS CALLED ANDANTE
AND THE DRAMA TRACK IS CALLED NOT FOR YOU
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nightfal1n · 2 months
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Coping Day 27: Guess who just caught up with Oshi no Ko anime
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fereldanwench · 4 months
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lmao i was like 'i think i'm chill now' and then see WRONG OPINIONS about a CERTAIN GAME and nope I'm still annoyed
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bunnihearted · 5 days
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🐰🕸🌙
#i have so many behaviours and fears and#no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr#and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it#but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad#my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light#which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol#in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder#which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is#(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time#so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light#which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight#other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING#so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things#bc it cannot do so in a rational manner#and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am#as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil#which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now#despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense#esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont#anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal#or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having#avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o#bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont#deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant#i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.
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relaxxattack · 4 months
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hello! i am here because im very much a quadranT enThusiasT. im curious: have you heard of alTerous aTTracTion? To me iT seems preTTy pale and id like To hear whaT you Think :]
i have heard of that! to me alterous attraction is very similar to queerplatonic attraction in that it's an intentionally queer nebulous thing that hang out outside of actual defined boundaries.
i don't think that moirallegiance is actually queer or outside of any social boundaries for trolls... it's just a regular old, government mandated or biologically mandated, normative relationship.
moirallegiance is something normal for trolls that they feel a romantic impulse for. it's a separate branch off from their romance, the same way blackrom is-- but i never see people jumping to describe kismeses as qpps. simply because humans are better at understanding something is "real" romance when they explicitly have sex lol -_-
moirallegiance is still a strong romantic feeling for a troll even though they don't have sex, basically.
however.... i can run myself into the ground talking about this over and over, and it won't change the fact that for (most) humans, moirallegiance is something alterous or platonic! and in the end that's okay. relationships, sexuality and romance can't easily be defined or have boundaries put on it no matter how much explaining someone does.
yeah, maybe for humans having a moirail WOULD feel like a strange alterous middleground between platonic and romantic, because a moirallegiance has elements from human platonic friendship and romantic partnership. maybe for some people it would be exactly like a qpp even! the thing is relationships are dependent on the people in them, and different for every single person.
so really there's no use for me trying to explain why moirails are different than qpps or anything, because for most humans, they're probably not. and maybe at the end of the day that's fine and i shouldn't be wasting that much energy anyway lol ^^;
although, no matter how much i try i can't not be annoyed when people equate moirallegiance to platonic best friendship. it's dumb and nerdy of me but like come on, multiple trolls in the comic have said otherwise... T^T
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penisbilt · 5 months
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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saeshiraw · 1 year
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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iceyrukia · 2 months
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one of the most grating traits of men is how they feel so accomplished trying to rile you up for the smallest things and making you feel unstable and silly for being so guarded around them
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bunnyb34r · 8 months
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Wheres my fucking maaaaaail
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jewishbuckley · 3 months
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"was there a reason you didn't cancel this" honestly I thought I had so no there wasn't a reason but also if clients are going to have Your personal number and reach out to You about canceling (when they Should be reaching out via email per our cancelation policy) then You should be canceling the appt anyway imo. all the other trainers cancel their appointments AND add their appointments to the system 🤪
#noah.txt#also I do realize my annoyance is unwarranted but also I'm sosososo tired of this job#she's thinking about closing down for a month for renos and she's not going to pay anyone for that month#and she's not sure if she's going to set it up where we can file unemployment or if she's going to#make us be freelancers under the company name#also she booked an appt but didn't put it in the system and didnt Tell Me and someone put in a booking request for that day/time#and it's frustrating b/c the whole reason she wanted clients to be able to book via the online portal is to#make my job easier/more automated but it's not easier when I'm having to email 5 clients because she cant be fucked to learn the system#then I'm talking to a coworker about how my doctor said I need to get my stress down#and she has the AUDACITY to ask me if she's contributing to the stress#like... yeah you're like the primary stressor in my life because I got hired for an hourly position 2 years ago#yet you treat me like I'm a salary employee who is supposed to be on call#and yeah it's frustrating and stressful to feel like I can never fully relax b/c you might need something#and it's even more frustrating when the things she needs she'll call me about. I won't answer b/c I'm busy#then I'll call her back and she'll be like ''oh I looked for it after I got voicemail''#okay so you don't THINK to do a little investigating before calling me during my time off?#very funny to me that I've been in a therapy session talking about her and she will call me (I do not answer)#my job was not and is not to be a personal assistant yet that is the position I've been forced into#and quite frankly I do not get paid enough to deal with being a personal assistant to#an immature people pleasing 34 year old woman who lacks basic empathy and doesn't give a shit about her employees#like I wanted to like her! I want to like her! she's gay and Jewish! but she also stinks of white rich kid privilege#also she's having a baby with her wife and this is a baby she actively does not want and a baby they're having to fix their marriage#which is a very tough thing for me to watch from the sidelines#she also is always picking apart peoples appearances and shes also told me she would probably leave her wife if she grew her hair out#anyway there's a lot more on a personal and professional level but my break is over
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hmsmilkbone · 4 months
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I am sorry. I have so much work, and I am very pregnant so I just don't have time to respond to stuff on here as much (or draw, really.) Hoping I can get into a schedule soon which allows me to paint and chat more :(
#i have so little free time#i worked 12 hours today#im just tired#technically i could have been painting the last 2 hours of relaxation#but tbh i am falling asleep#i think it will calm down soon tho#ill do work work in the morning do a class then hopefully have enough left in me for cooking chores and painting/chatting#whew#idk how im going to do this with a kid#trying.... not to think about that actually#wait. no.#frustrating thing: there's no preschool around here for us#preschool in our area is only available if your family is extremely impoverished#there are for-profit daycares and they cost about $2000-$4000 a month#girl i cannot swing that lmao#sigh#i hate being in the US#everybody wants you to have kids but no one wants to do anything with them#like be fr rn no one has the fucking money for $2500/month childcare#im glad people way under the poverty line have good school opportunities but also.. why#the school mentioned many times that they can barely afford to stay open#man#so many people call them and are willing to pay#i understand why they must prioritize people that cant or theyd get pushed out#but theres obviously 1) not enough funding for that school 2) a real threat to lower income families to be able to get in if higher income#families decide to elbow them out and 3) not enough schools here#they are building another preschool which will be available to families who work at certain local businesses#but lmao.... get this... there are only 20 spots available for their preschool. 20. girl what. and it costs $2k/month.#my mom called me the other day after i texted about all this and said she could watch our kid. for $25/hour#feeling a bit cornered here. it's going to be a long 5 or 6 years until kindergarten
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narryffdreaming · 5 months
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one of the things i struggle the most when it comes to my brain is the fact that im too logical for certain things and therefore i can't engage with the things most people around me seem to care about.
for instance, if i don't like an artist, i don't consume that artist. i don't care about that artist. i don't worry, nor think about that artist — unless, for some reason, they cross paths with something i care about. that's my "logical" reaction. so whilst people around me engage and have fun "hating" on someone, i genuinely (GENUINELY) don't understand the fun in that or why someone would waste so much time over something they don't care about (?). which is why im always bored reading things online and don't really interact that much with (basically) anything.
same goes for gossiping. if i don't know the people my friends are talking about, or if im not somehow affected by whatever happened, or if none of my friends are somehow affected by it, i genuinely couldn't care less about whatever or whoever. because, again, my "logical" reaction is "why will i bother with something i don't care about?". so whilst my friends have long conversations about what happened to x and y, and whilst everyone in town knows everyone and everything, im always the person who doesn't know who X is and doesn't have an opinion about whatever happened to them bc... who cares? yknow? idk them, so idk. i don't care. whatever.
and in the end, it's just like that for everything. people will complain at work about things that i'll find a logical explanation for, and so i don't feel like complaining about it at all. or i'll see something on tv and roll my eyes bc i already know someone wrote that in a very specific way and chose that exact sad song just to make people emotional, and won't be able to emotionally involve myself with whatever im watching. and etc etc etc.
then of course, that doesn't mean im not empathetic or i don't care about anything... i just simply have a different pov over things. and maybe i'll care about that conversation everyone's having, but my approach to it will be different.
and trust me, this awareness of being too "logical" instead of "emotional" doesn't mean i think im better. tbh, it's one of the things i wish i could change bc it socially sets me off a lot of times. bc either a) people think im boring for not engaging with conversations or b) i engage with conversations and end up too exhausted for pretending to be something/someone im not. so i can never win.
anyway i personally don't like the word neurodivergent but in the end, no matter how we call it, the point is that it blows my mind how much these disorders can set us apart from most people simply because we can't understand/internalize/react to things the same way. idk it's been a long day im tired my brain is tired. idk if it makes sense haha. anyway. anywayyyyyyy.
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bunnihearted · 4 months
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🫎
#this place drives me crazy....#i notice it esp bc when im outside and feel a tiny bit better#(unfortunately this city is a nightmare for a hypervigilant like me to live bc theres crazyyy much noise 24/7)#but my home has for the first 23yrs of my life been a noise wise calm place to wind down and be safe and relax#but a couple of years ago there was like a shift and everyone who moves in here are crazy#my neighbors are constantly stomping banging and thumping. constantly.......#people outside are always screaming and yelling and slamming doors and everything u can do#they let their kids run around and scream like demons and throw rocks on cats and piss on the walls#and they go around with metal pipes or sticks and hit everything#like.... im sorry if u wanna call me a childhater for saying thats fucked up then go ahead#that's not sane behavior and the parents dont raise their kids anymore#constant yelling.... anyway#we have a clan of ppl who do lots of illegal things which is above all NOISYYYYYY#they make shit in the apartment above me and then live in another and then large moving trucks come and pick it up#?????? if u wanna call me a stuck up karen for thinking thats not ok to do to your neighbors go ahead!!!!!! im a bitter bitch#i dont think it's ok to cause such disturbance to your neighbors they cant sleep or exist in peace but thats just me ig!!!!!#these ppl living here are batshit insane bc i've been here for 25 and it's never been like this#and i mean it's MY problem for being noise sensitive ofc#but i feel like my brain is CONSTANTLY always being overstimulated and i can barely function anymore#i like legit wanna kms just to escape all this noise#i dont get any quiet moment ever#not even in the middle of the night there is always some human making noise and causing a disturbance#a few years ago it could be dead quiet in the middle of the day#what has happened im losing my miiiiiiind i wanna dieeeeeeeee#what happens when i reach a point where my brain just overcooks and i explode?#what will i do? what will i do when i lose control sksksk that shit scares me i dont wanna see#i cant live like this but im stuck and i dont know how to get out#and my mom was in a smaller city the other day and she said it was a crazy amount of noise yhere to#what do i do? whrre do i go???? i might jusy have to go deaf or smth i cant do this
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soul-spoken · 5 months
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I vent or breakdown so often, I know I get told it's fine and talk when I need to but geez it feels so excessive, like I'm overly sensitive or just really really easily triggered over things that shouldn't even relate to my trauma
We come to solutions or we distract from it, or we cuddle, but it's just always there.
I can almost always feel the dumb anxiety or depression feelings, I don't want to
I wish my brain understood that
#im tired of only feeling safe when im overly babied and small. i know at this current time point certain traumas are still really fresh#and i need to let myself acknowledge that and relax and maybe be taken care of on a higher level but#i feel so clingy and embarrassed#and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college#that doesn't matter anymore#i don't wanna be so vulnerable and scared all the time#but i think i need to#i just want to be held. feel skin to skin. get kissed and called sweet names#i wanna feel his nails through my hair. hear that hushed voice he does when being soft. i wanna be closer#i wanna be safe and told its not scary. its not bad. instead of how we've been going about things..#cant i just feel secluded and loved? feel protected and small#i wanna be told that my ptsd is a normal reaction and that i dont have to be like i was before. i can take a while to gather myself#to mourn and exist. to just.. be#be however my brain is needing to be in order to relax#i wanna be intimate and romantic and loving and gentle#i feel so guilty over these wants and needs#i wish i didn't have them. i wish i understood that its safe to have them.#i wish i was different#i wish i was me. but me before#when i was stable and felt nice and independent but i still had little moments of softness and needing help. i miss my early early twenties#but. i also miss the feeling of being held tight by him and told nothing could hurt me anymore. that he was gonna keep the bad away#like middle school. keeping the mean kids away#i love him. i want to feel loved#i am loved. i don't doubt that. but i wish i could capture every soft second and live in it forever#and i feel so guilty#trav.txt
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oh-gh0st · 1 year
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