#i can talk to people fine but i have no idea how to start a conversation
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tutor girl | rc
pairing: frat!rafe x college!reader
summary: y/n and rafe were never on the same level, but after a party at his frat that forms an unlikely friendship, rafe asks for her help
request by anonymous
warnings: drinking? i think that’s all
wc: 2k
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅ ⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅ ⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘
You closed up your laptop and textbook as your professor said his final few words of the lecture. You were tutoring someone right after, and didn’t want to make them wait around in the library.
You gathered your things quickly and stood up, keeping your head down as you made your way out of the lecture hall.
“Bye tutor girl,” you heard a voice call behind you.
You turned to see Rafe Cameron, smug grin spread across his face as he waved at you. You rolled your eyes as you always did and started to make your way to the library.
“You know, tutor girl, it wouldn’t kill you to look up from a book and have fun every now and then,” he teased.
You didn’t know why he always had to speak to you and taunt you with his dumb nicknames. You had no friends in common, and ran in completely different circles, yet he relentlessly went out of his way to tease you.
You arrived at the library first, and sat down at your usual table. Leah, the girl you were tutoring, was starting to become almost a friend to you. You two usually spend the beginning of your sessions just chatting and catching up. You saw her red hair before you saw any other part of her as she breathlessly sat down in front of you.
“Sorry I’m late,” she breathed. “You know how Callahan can be.”
“Oh, do I ever,” you chuckled.
“You going to that party tonight?” she asked casually as she took out her notes for you guys to go over together.
You shook your head, not hearing about any party. Your Friday nights were usually spent binge watching shows or reading a book tucked under your blanket. You didn’t go out much, and you liked it that way. You enjoyed spending time with yourself.
“You have to come!” she exclaimed. “I thought Ella would have invited you already. It’s at that frat house, the red brick one, alpha something.”
You weren’t surprised Ella, your roommate and friend, didn’t mention it to you. She knew your answer would probably be no, so eventually she just stopped asking. You decided maybe tonight you’d step out of your comfort zone. For some reason, Rafe insinuating you didn’t know how to have fun was bothering you. You could have fun. What did he know?
Just for a few hours, you told yourself, so people don’t think you’re so boring anymore.
“I’ll be there,” you grinned.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
“You look hot!” your roommate, Ella, screeched from behind you.
You blinked as you placed in your second contact lense, waiting for your vision to un-blur.
“Not as hot as you,” you told her. “I feel so weird.”
She reassured you that you looked great. You felt a little self conscious, but tried not to let it get to you. Tonight was about having fun. Letting loose, have a few drinks, talk to new people. It would be fine. The clothes you wore and how you looked were secondary.
You shoved your phone in your pocket as you and Ella made your way outside. The frat house was only about 5 minutes away on foot, an easy trek.
“Do you know anyone at this party?” you asked.
“A few,” she answered. She listed off a few names, all of which were unfamiliar to you except one.
Rafe.
“Rafe Cameron?” you asked, trying not to sound too curious.
She nodded affirmatively, making you let out a sigh. Just what you needed, Rafe teasing you about the way you looked, or about you being nerdy. Whatever. You just had to show him how to have a good time, that he didn’t know you like he thought he did.
You let Ella walk in first, suddenly feeling a rush of nerves overcome you. You hadn’t been to a frat party, and you had no idea what to expect. You just knew there would be a lot of booze, and a lot of idiot men.
The loud music pounded in your ears the second you walked through the door, and it was a lot…sweatier than you imagined. The temperature of the room rose from all the body heat. Girls in little clothing were grinding against boys who didn’t seem to even know their names. Red solo cups strewn on the floor that had a perpetual sticky feeling.
“Let’s get a drink!” Ella yelled into your ear over the music as you both made your way to the kitchen.
The counter was lined with alcohol bottles, various juices and mixers, and a big bowl of what appeared to be punch of some kind. You reached for a red cup from the pile, a hand interjecting you.
“Tutor girl!” Rafe cheered. “What are you doing here?”
Of course he found you immediately.
“It’s Friday night,” you shrugged nonchalantly.
“That it is, tutor girl, that it is,” he nodded. “Let me make you a drink.”
You grabbed the cup back from him, cocking your eyebrow.
“I can do it,” you told him. You didn’t trust any of these boys to make you a drink.
He raised his hands in defence, taking a step back to let you have free access to the contents in front of you. You mixed yourself a drink, feeling Rafe’s eyes burning into you. Ella had left your side, probably seeing someone she knew and running over to them.
You took a deep sip of your drink, knowing you needed some liquid courage to get you through the night. You heard Rafe say something, but couldn’t hear him over the music. You asked him what he said and he leaned toward you, his warm breath behind you ear.
“I said I like you better with the glasses,” he repeated.
You couldn’t help the blush from forming on your cheeks. You were used to people telling you they liked you better without them. You had always wondered if you should wear contacts every day. Your blush disappeared when you realized who you were talking to. He was being sarcastic, making fun of you.
“I’m gonna go find Ella,” you told him before turning on your heel and walking away.
She was standing by a table playing beer pong, excitedly waving you over. You weaved through overly sweaty bodies to stand next to her. She told you she needed a partner, and you reluctantly agreed.
You went first, bouncing the ping pong ball off the table, and landing it straight in the cup in the front.
“Drink up!” Ella cheered, as Topper chugged the cup in front of him.
You continued, landing almost every throw, everyone around the table cheering you on as you scored the winning shot.
“Who knew tutor girl could kill all of us at beer pong?” Rafe said from behind you.
He smirked at you, moving to the other side of the table.
“Let’s 1v1,” he challenged you, his bright blue eyes narrowing playfully.
“You’re on, Cameron,” you muttered.
“You’ll regret that, tutor girl.”
The beer coursed through you as Rafe landed his ping pong ball in your cup repeatedly. At this point, it was like you were just taking turns drinking then scoring. The room was slightly spinning around you, but you stayed focused. You were determined to win. You both had one cup left, and it was your turn.
“Don’t choke,” Rafe intimidated you from across the table. His gaze was locked on you, making you nervous.
“As if,” you scoffed, sending your ball straight into the cup.
Everyone cheered, jumping around you drunkenly. The other boys in the frat were teasing Rafe, who apparently almost never lost beer pong. You hadn’t even expected yourself to be good at it. A hidden talent, you smiled to yourself.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
You stumbled up the stairs, looking for the bathroom you were told was up here to the left. The hallway spun as you walked in to the first room on the left. You realized quickly it wasn’t a bathroom, but a bedroom. You slumped on the floor, feeling tired from dancing for what felt like the last hour.
You couldn’t remember the last time you drank this much, and sometimes sitting on the floor was appealing. You’d get up in a second and find the bathroom. You shut your eyes a moment, you head spinning, before being scared by a sudden voice.
“Tutor girl,” he said. You could hear the smirk on his face without even needing to see him. “What are you doing in my room?”
“I was looking for the bathroom,” you slurred. “But I needed a rest and the floor seemed comfortable.”
“You were only a few feet short,” he chuckled.
You shrugged, laughing to yourself. He sat down beside you, making your body stiffen at his sudden presence so close to you. You were expecting him to kick you out of his room.
He held a bottle in his hand, passing it over to you to take a sip. You took a swig and instantly regretted it, your face grimacing in disgust. Rafe chuckled beside you as he took a swig himself.
“You know,” he started. “I underestimated you, tutor girl.”
There he goes again with that nickname. Will he ever call you by your name?
“Because I beat you at beer pong?” you asked.
“Nah I knew you’d be good at beer pong,” he answered. “You were probably doing some physics shit in your head or something.”
You let out a cackle, immediately covering your mouth with your hand. You hadn’t meant to laugh that hard.
“You have a great laugh, y/n,” he slurred, tilting his head back.
You stopped at the sound of your name leaving his mouth. You don’t think you ever heard it.
“Wow,” you sighed. “Not tutor girl?”
“Oh you’re still tutor girl,” he replied quickly. “But I meant I underestimated how cool you were. You’re fun.”
“You’re just drunk,” you said. “Tomorrow you’ll go back to ignoring me except to make fun of me.”
He stared at you blankly, not knowing what to say. For once, he didn’t have a witty comment. You didn’t know he did the opposite of ignore you. In fact, he was always paying attention to you. The way your eyebrows furrowed when you were typing your notes out, the way you leaned your chin on your hand when the professor was talking, the smoothness of your voice when you explained a concept to a student. He saw you.
“I’m not making fun, tutor girl,” he whispered. “You’re very intriguing.”
“There it is again,” you sighed. You stood up finally, your urge to pee stronger than ever. You snatched the bottle from Rafe and took one more swig before finally going to find the bathroom.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Monday morning, you sat in class, chin resting in your hand as the professor drawled on. You pushed your glasses up as they slid down your nose. You practically jumped out of your seat when the class was finished. You were starving.
“Tutor girl!” you heard a voice call from behind you. You turned to see none other than Rafe jogging towards you, backpack slung over his shoulder.
“What do you want, Rafe?” you asked, annoyed he was keeping you away from the sandwich you were about to buy.
“I have a proposition,” he started. “I need help with this class. My grades are slipping and I just can’t understand anything. Would you help me?”
You let out a laugh, stopping when you realized he was serious.
“Are you messing with me?” you asked.
He shook his head. “I seriously need help. And I thought who better to ask than…tutor girl!”
You rolled your eyes, as always. But you reluctantly agreed.
“Can we start now?” he pleaded, clutching his textbook in his hands.
“Rafe,” you sighed. “I’m starving, can we do another day?”
“I’ll buy you lunch!” he exclaimed. “Your prize for beating me at beer pong.”
“Fine,” you agreed. “But we aren’t friends just because we sat on the floor drunk together.”
“Whatever you say, tutor girl.”
You rolled your eyes once more, but couldn’t help but lift the corners of your mouth, knowing without having to look that he was smiling as he trailed behind you.
#rafe cameron fic#rafe cameron fanfic#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron imagine#rafe outer banks#rafe cameron#rafe obx#rafe x reader#outer banks imagine#outer banks#obx#obx imagine
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This is a funny lil idea I just had but have you ever thought about rook and a reader that acts like his behavior is normal? Like, they know he's literally stalking them but is perfectly fine with it for some strange reason.
And when they finally do start dating, everyone is either
1. Convinced that he’s threatening your life
Or
2. Judging you like crazy because WHY
Totally Normal Romance || Rook Hunt
You've fallen hard for the hunter and you're dating! But when you tell your friends the good news, they immediately try staging interventions. Huh, I wonder why?
thank you for waiting! I loved the idea a lot and it became way longer than I expected but I hope you like it!
You’ve somehow managed to fall into a relationship with Rook, the Academy's resident “Hunter” and renowned tracker of students who can't even attempt to hide without him finding them.
Most people would be a little alarmed—okay, extremely alarmed—by Rook’s knack for showing up whenever you breathe a little too loud. But you? You’re weirdly, unapologetically chill about it.
The day starts as it usually does. Rook is outside your door bright and early, practically sparkling, ready to report how many steps you took in your sleep, how many breaths you exhaled, and what percentage of your dreams contained images of his dashing silhouette.
You nod, acting like he’s merely sharing the weather, and go about your morning. People are whispering in the hallways; they’ve noticed that the school’s “greatest hunter” is now your personal shadow.
Some think you're being held hostage in an unholy union. Others are convinced you’ve cracked under the pressure of Rook’s endless poetic monologues and have, in fact, lost your mind.
When the two of you officially start dating, the rumors take a delightful nosedive into the surreal. Rook is, naturally, over the moon, reciting sonnets about your “captivating acceptance of his pursuit.” Friends beg you to “see the red flags.”
You just smile as Rook emerges from behind a tree on your morning jog to hand you a flower he found “radiant with the essence of your aura.”
Intervention Attempt 1: Adeuce
You’re just sitting down to lunch when Ace and Deuce suddenly approach you with identical expressions of horror and determination, like they’ve somehow stumbled into a horror movie and taken it upon themselves to rescue the clueless protagonist. Ace, as usual, decides to take the lead.
“We need to talk. About... him.” He jerks a thumb toward Rook, who’s lurking—quite visibly—behind a tree, watching you with a delighted grin as if the entire world is his favorite reality TV show.
You shrug. “Rook’s just being his usual sweet self.”
Deuce’s mouth falls open. “That’s... sweet? The dude’s literally hiding in a tree to stare at you.”
You wave a hand. “He’s just thoughtful, you know? He knew I needed a pick-me-up yesterday, so he waited in my closet for two hours just to surprise me with a motivational haiku.”
Ace’s expression is somewhere between pity and disbelief. “You’re serious? That’s... sweet?”
“Uh-huh.” You pop a fry in your mouth, unfazed. “Honestly, it’s kind of nice to have someone that dedicated.”
Ace and Deuce share a silent, horrified look, one that clearly says, Our friend has lost it. Then, Ace leans in close. “You know, if he’s threatening you, you can blink twice or something. We can handle him.”
You burst into laughter, almost choking on your fry. “Guys, come on! Rook’s harmless. It’s just his way of showing affection.”
Behind the tree, Rook notices you laughing and beams even wider, waving with both hands like you’re his entire world. Ace sighs, looking like he’s just signed up for an impossible mission. Deuce’s brows knit together in concern, like he’s mentally preparing himself to guard you from the “danger” Rook apparently presents.
Intervention Attempt 2: Leona
Leona lounges on the couch as you walk into the room, looking way too relaxed—except for the sharp glint in his eye as he watches you. You know that look; it’s the we need to talk look, though Leona would sooner eat his tail than say it outright.
“You know that guy who keeps creeping around you?” he starts, his tone casual, as if he’s talking about the weather. “The hunter dude?”
“Oh, Rook? Yeah, he’s great!” you reply with a smile, clearly missing his hint.
Leona raises an eyebrow, looking faintly amused. “Great? The guy basically tracks your every move like a lion on a hunt. He’s probably memorized your breathing patterns by now.”
You laugh it off, waving a hand. “Leona, you make it sound creepy. Rook’s just… committed.”
Leona smirks, leaning back with a lazy yawn. “Committed to what, stalking you?”
You shrug. “It’s romantic in its own way! He writes poetry about me, makes sure I’m always safe... It’s kinda nice knowing someone’s always watching out for me.”
“Watching out for you,” Leona mutters, barely concealing a snicker. “Sure. Or just watching you.” He tilts his head, examining you as if you’re some rare species that’s suddenly shown up in the savanna. “You sure he hasn’t put a spell on you? You sound completely out of it.”
You smirk. “Leona, you’re just not used to people showing appreciation.”
Leona narrows his eyes, amusement flickering in his gaze. “You keep saying stuff like that, herbivore, and I’m gonna assume you’ve completely lost it.” He yawns and flops back onto the couch, muttering under his breath, “That crazy hunter and his weird haikus…”
You walk away, oblivious, and Leona just shakes his head with a smirk, quietly wondering if he’ll end up having to pry Rook off of you someday.
Intervention Attempt 3: Riddle
Riddle stares at you over his teacup, his brows knit with concern as you talk about your latest “date” with Rook. You've barely started describing his newest poetic declaration when Riddle sets his cup down, looking thoroughly alarmed.
“I… don’t understand,” he interrupts. “Did you say he was waiting in the shadows outside your dorm window at midnight? And he… recited sonnets?”
You nod, completely unbothered. “Oh, yes! And he was so sweet about it. He even had a rose between his teeth, Riddle. He really went all out.”
Riddle’s expression looks like he’s been hit with cold water. “And you… didn’t feel unsafe?”
“Why would I?” you laugh, waving a hand dismissively. “It’s Rook. He’s just being his passionate self.”
Riddle’s face hardens, and he stands up, clutching his teacup with barely contained fury. “This is unacceptable! You must report this immediately—stalking is a severe issue! You don’t have to tolerate this treatment, no matter how he frames it!”
You blink, surprised. “Riddle, it’s really okay. He’s not stalking me; he’s just… really attentive.”
Riddle’s lips thin, and he looks at you with pity, as if you're just too naive to understand the danger you’re in. “It’s worse than I thought,” he mutters, eyes blazing. “He’s… he’s manipulating you into thinking this is acceptable!”
Riddle finally sighs, shaking his head. “If you’re too afraid to tell him off, I’ll do it for you. As a dorm leader, it’s my duty to protect students in my care.”
“Riddle, I appreciate it, but I don’t need protection,” you insist, patting him on the shoulder. “Rook is harmless.”
Riddle huffs, looking like he’s already planning out the verbal lashing he’s going to deliver to Rook the next time he sees him. “You’ll see,” he says. “When you realize the danger, remember I warned you.”
You just smile, and he glances at you like you’re a sheep walking happily into a lion’s den.
Intervention Attempt 4: Malleus (And Lilia?)
When Malleus summons you to Diasomnia for what he calls an “urgent matter,” you’re intrigued. However, when you arrive, his expression is downright grave. The flickering candlelight gives his face an eerie glow as he looks at you, his usually calm demeanor laced with worry.
He leans in close, and his eyes narrow. “I understand you… spend much time with Rook,” he says, voice almost a whisper.
“Uh, yeah? We’re dating,” you say, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
Malleus blinks, clearly taken aback, as if he was expecting an entirely different answer. “So you willingly… permit him to lurk in the shadows around you?”
“Well, yes, he’s got that whole poetic ‘silent protector’ thing going on.” You shrug, but Malleus doesn’t look any less alarmed.
“I see,” Malleus says, more to himself than to you. “So he’s already gained control over you.” He sighs, looking deeply concerned. “Fear not. I will protect you from him.”
Before you can respond, Lilia, who’s been silently watching with a smirk, bursts into laughter.
“Oh, Malleus, you’re taking this far too seriously,” he cackles, clapping a hand on Malleus’s shoulder. “Rook isn’t dangerous—well, unless you count bad poetry as a weapon.”
Malleus doesn’t look convinced. “You find this funny?” he asks, frowning.
“Of course I do!” Lilia grins, wiping a tear of laughter from his eye. “They’re dating, Malleus. Rook doesn’t even know how to scare a fly when it comes to them.”
Malleus turns back to you, still worried. “Are you… certain you’re safe?”
You nod, but the look of pity in his eyes says he’s clearly unconvinced, as if he thinks you’re only defending Rook out of fear. Meanwhile, Lilia gives you a wink and a mischievous grin, enjoying the absurdity of the whole situation.
Intervention Attempt 5: Azul
You’re strolling past the Mostro Lounge, hoping to grab some food, when Azul intercepts you, looking unusually serious. He gestures for you to follow him into a private corner, glancing around as if he's worried someone might overhear.
“I understand you’ve been spending quite a bit of time with Rook,” he says, his tone grave, though there’s a glint in his eyes that tells you he’s already calculating something.
You raise an eyebrow. “Yeah, we’re dating.”
Azul’s expression shifts to something between shock and pity, as if he’s just heard you’ve taken up with the Grim Reaper himself. “Dating? So… you’re aware he’s stalking you?”
You shrug. “He’s not stalking—he’s just keeping an eye out. Very vigilant, actually.”
Azul’s face darkens. “Right… vigilant.” He clears his throat. “In that case, allow me to offer the services of Floyd and Jade for your… protection.”
You blink. “Protection?”
“Yes. For a reasonable price, of course,” he says with a smooth smile, back to his usual self. “Consider it a sort of… insurance in case this arrangement with Rook takes a… dramatic turn.”
He leans forward, lowering his voice. “Imagine if you had two skilled guards who could tail him as closely as he tails you.”
Before you can respond, Floyd appears out of nowhere, draping an arm over your shoulder and grinning. “We could totally scare him, too. Make him feel like he’s the one being hunted!”
Jade nods from behind him, his smile too sharp to be comforting. “Yes, we’re more than happy to shadow Rook if you’d like.”
You stare at the twins, whose predatory smiles seem to stretch further the longer they look at you. “Guys, I appreciate the offer, but Rook’s fine. I’m not being held captive.”
Azul raises an eyebrow, but he doesn’t push, instead sighing in that dramatic way of his. “Very well. The offer stands should you need it. Just remember: one word, and we’re at your service.”
As you walk away, you catch a quiet exchange between the twins.
“Do you think we’d even get the chance to tail him, Jade?”
“Hmm… I’d say it’s more likely he’d follow us, Floyd.”
You shake your head, amused. Only Azul would find a way to capitalize on your love life.
Intervention(?) Attempt 6: Vil
You’re backstage in Pomefiore, helping Vil with his costume adjustments for his latest role when he pauses, hands on his hips, giving you a long, evaluative look.
“So… you and Rook?” he finally says, an eyebrow raised with an almost resigned air.
“Yeah.” You grin, shrugging. “I mean, he’s… intense, but it works.”
Vil sighs, pressing two fingers to his temple as if that would ward off the headache he’s certain to get from this conversation. “You realize that most people would find his behavior concerning, right?”
You wave him off. “He’s harmless. Just… expressive.”
He gives a soft, humorless laugh, as though he’s not sure if you’re just that naive or that confident. “You’re both completely mad, you know that?”
“Maybe,” you say, leaning back with a shrug. “But I like it that way.”
Vil sighs again, and there’s a glimmer of a smile, even if it’s hidden behind a look of sheer exasperation. “Well, at least he won’t make you look bad. He’ll be too busy swooning in the background to do anything truly reckless.” He adjusts your collar with an air of finality, giving you a nod. “Good luck. You’ll need it.”
And with that, he returns to his preparations, mumbling something under his breath about how only you could take Rook’s intensity as a “feature” rather than a “warning sign.” But you catch the faint smile on his face as he walks away, leaving you feeling oddly reassured.
Final Intervention: Idia
Idia’s “intervention” is the sort of spectacle that would probably have your other friends dial emergency numbers if they walked in. He's got his laptop perched on a stack of comics, his tablet propped up, and an honest-to-Seven laser pointer he’s brandishing like it’s going to physically ward off any poor life choices.
He points at his first diagram, titled in neon-green font: "Why Your Boyfriend Should Not Be Tracking Your Every Move Like a Supervillain”. It's complete with cartoonish red arrows and diagrams that could pass for an undergrad thesis on questionable behavior.
Rook’s sitting beside you, nodding along with a strangely approving look, as if Idia's crude drawings are just part of the "unrefined genius" he'd expect from mere mortals.
When Idia clicks to his next slide—a very intense pie chart on “Reasons You’re Definitely in Danger"—you shrug. “Look, Idia, everyone’s got their quirks, right? He leaves poetry scrolls for me; you send messages only through encrypted text channels with six layers of memes as the header.”
Idia stares at you, blinking, and drops his laser pointer. It rolls pathetically across the floor, and he looks like he’s two seconds away from fainting. “Th-This isn’t the same! I don’t leave my IP address in your flowerbeds!”
Rook, thrilled, interjects. “Ah, but would you not feel a poetic stirring in your heart if you did, monsieur? Every new line I compose is a love letter to the chase!”
Idia sways. You’re genuinely worried he might black out.
Life, as it turns out, continues with a healthy dose of Rook’s “love language,” which to everyone else looks like the dictionary definition of a security risk.
Yet, you find yourself smiling every time he swoops in with that glittering look in his eyes, poetry scrolls under his arm and a thousand strange ideas.
And even if everyone around you is either looking into exorcisms or planning escape routes, for you, it’s just another day of living your best life.
Masterlist
#twst x reader#twisted wonderland x reader#twst#twisted wonderland#rook hunt x reader#rook x reader#rook x you#rook hunt#rook
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Please. Tommys helicopter crashing while him and Buck are still broken up? That would be such great drama.
You know what I want? I want Buck to get mad. He has yet to actually get mad at a love interest. He's been hurt and confused, but I want him to get angry. I want him to go out and fuck like he's getting revenge on Tommy, even though he's the one who got left behind again, and I want him to convince himself he's absolutely fine. Eddie can see it, of course. Bobby and Maddie and all the people who love him can see that he's not fine, but I want Buck to pretend he is like he'll die if he doesn't. He deletes Tommy's name from his contacts and dumps all his stuff in the trash and erases his existence from his life like he's nothing more than yesterday's news.
I want this to continue through the rest of the season, long enough that both the characters and the audience start to think that maybe Buck is fine after all. Maybe this whole thing with Tommy was just a mistake, a hiccup. Maybe Tommy was right and saw writing on the wall that Buck didn't. Maybe he was smart by getting out when he did because Buck doesn't cry. He doesn't vent to Eddie, or show up on his doorstep like a kicked puppy. He lives fast and vibrant, and shows up to work covered in hickeys and lipstick and other people's cologne, and if Tommy really was as transformative of a love as he believed he was, shouldn't he be devastated?
Anyway.
Fast forward to the season finale. Athena has been following a case of corporate corruption where an auto and aeronautics manufacturer has been exposed for using faulty parts in their vehicles that have resulted in auto collisions and deaths across the country. None of this really concerns or interests Buck at all, if he's being honest. He fixes his own car for the most part (Tommy showed him how) and that which he can't do, he takes to his usual mom-and-pop mechanic for them to work on. Which is to say that, his life consists of sex and work, so news reports of [Same Company] being responsible for a Cessna crashing in Northern California don't really filter through.
Not until the 118 is called to a helicopter crash just outside of Los Angeles.
Even then, Buck doesn't think about Tommy. Why would he? Tommy Kinard is barely even a memory at this point, just an idea on the edge of his brain, an almost that was quickly buried. Helicopters crash all the time, so he has no reason to believe there's anything out of the ordinary about this one. But then when they're en route, Maddie's voice comes over the radio, tight with emotion and forcibly professional in a way that makes him immediately nauseous: Captain Nash, please be advised that the helicopter in question is one of our own. It's an LAFD chopper. Then, Hen and Eddie and Chimney and Bobby all turn to look at him, and Buck has nowhere to run from their gaze. Even if he did, he couldn't, because he feels paralyzed. Bobby's voice asking if there are any survivors, and Maddie's voice saying she's unsure get lost to the thrum of his heartbeat in his ears. Every repressed emotion, every memory, every bit of desperate longing and grief and love and anger comes rushing back in full force and all Buck can do is sit there while the engine weaves through Los Angeles traffic.
Tommy is fine, of course. He codes on the way to the hospital (Buck performing CPR on his boyfriend while begging him to stay alive is my drug), but once all is said and done, once he's come out of surgery with a little more metal in his body than he went in there with, he's okay. Buck isn't, not by a mile. He's full of too many emotions that he doesn't know how to sort through, chief among them being love, followed closely by anger, and then, guilt, of all things. But after Tommy opens his eyes, after Buck breaks down spectacularly, and after they finally confess that they love each other, Buck makes Tommy look him in the eyes:
"You don't get to run from this. Not again. I mean it. If you get scared, you talk to me. If you need to slow down, you talk to me. You don't make decisions for me, for us, and expect me to be okay with it. That's not how this works."
"Okay."
"I mean it, Tommy. I can't -"
"I mean it too. I promise. Okay?"
"Okay."
Anyways. Yeah. That's how I would do it.
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Lucifer's Jealousy
Disclaimers and credit: read this post before reading any of my content, please.
Premise: Lucifer has a tough time with jealousy, but you’re tired of waiting for him to settle down on his own. It’s time to talk!
On the first day, you told yourself Lucifer is entitled to his feelings. You’d known the devil to struggle with jealousy based on his unnecessary conflict with Alastor. Even on the second day of pouting, furrowed brows, and mumbling to himself, you had patience. But on the ninth day, you wondered how you ended up in hell when you had the patience of a saint.
“Lucifer, honey,” you begin, settling down next to him on one of the couches in the lobby of the hotel, where he sat with his arms crossed, fuming. His eyes turned fully red a few days ago. His horns came out sometime last night while you slept.
You could see how physical touch helped to settle him. Some of the tension in his face and body seemed to dissipate when you snuggled up against him. You sometimes tried to make yourself seem smaller than him, even though you weren’t, because when you did this he switched from bumbling dork to nurturing daddy. You hoped that’s what would happen but you hadn’t seen the reasonable daddy from him in days.
And why was the King of Hell so upset? At first you worried your casual flirtiness would offend him, but you’d been yourself since y’all started fucking and though you’d seen some challenge in his glare, it didn’t seem like jealousy to this extent. You saw each other every day. You took turns doting on each other. Him with his money, power, charm, and experience. You mostly with your words.
You: Sweetheart, what can I do? How can I help you get through whatever is troubling you?
Lucifer, sighing: I’ll be fine. Thank you for checking in with me.
You: But wouldn’t it be nice if we figured this out together? I hate seeing you like this for so long. I want to see you smile again.
Lucifer softened a bit more. Were you finally getting through to him, or was he only just becoming exhausted by his feelings?
You: Can you please at least tell me what happened?
Lucifer sighed again. With every sigh, you could feel him loosening up against your body.
Lucifer: I’m sorry I’ve been so unfair to you this week.
You didn’t add that this was his behavior last week as well.
Lucifer: I don’t know what it is about her, but I just can’t stand it when–
You, against your better judgment, since interrupting him when he’d only just started to open up was not your best idea: Her? Her who?
Lucifer: Huh? Charlie, of course.
You: Charlie?!
Lucifer: Yes, I don’t understand how Lilith-
You: LILITH?!
Lucifer: Yes, and the bus boy-
You: ALASTOR?!?!
Lucifer: Wha- yes, honey. Are you feeling well?
For nine fucking days you thought his pouting was about you! You thought he was so madly, obsessively in love with you that something strange and minor, something you didn’t even notice yourself, drove him into a jealous rage. Once the shock and, what, disappointment? had their turns in your head, you started laughing.
Lucifer: What- what is happening right now?
You, holding your stomach as you laughed: This whole time, I thought you were jealous over ME.
For as many millennia as he’d been alive, Lucifer’s ability to process hadn’t evolved at all. He sat dumbfounded as you laughed at yourself and how foolish and self-centered your thinking had been.
You felt him put his head on your shoulder and an arm around your back. You heard him sigh again, though did it sound a little happier? You wiped the tears from your eyes and looked at him resting against you. His horns were gone. His eyes were closed.
Lucifer: “You make me feel so safe that even when I think I would normally get jealous, I just trust you and feel happy for you instead.”
You: “Wha-”
Lucifer: “When you flirt with people, I just somehow believe that you’ll still be with me a moment later, and you have been so far. I mean- I get my hiccups here and there, and I think sometimes I even like getting possessive over you, but it’s been mostly sexual. With you, I don’t stay up at night wondering if you’ll kick me out or leave me, I just … sleep.”
You: “Lucifer …”
Lucifer: “Just one more comment and I’ll shut up. Seeing you laugh made me feel so much better. I want to make you laugh as often as I can.”
This sweet, tender little man was going to destroy you.
But also, NINE DAYS JEALOUS OVER CHARLIE AND LILITH, AND CHARLIE AND ALASTOR?
Now it was your turn to act like a baby for days.
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bestie I am begging you I'm lit obsessed w your Solavellan stuffs I hope you keep writing abt them after all that.......... happened in Veilguard...... and I ALSO wanna kno what you think of it once you finished 🤭🫣😭👁️👁️
I’ve already got one post-Veilguard fic up and am working on another! I’ll put my thoughts under a cut for the sake of people who haven’t finished yet.
In general, I loved the game. It had its issues - I think the lack of world state customization hurt the narrative, leaving it feeling disconnected from the other games.
I didn’t feel as strongly about the companions as I have in the previous games - but I’ve also only played once, and I finished the game over six days. I’ve just started a second run and I’ll be playing over a much longer period of time so I’m hoping that will change.
Bellara and Davrin were my favourites, though and I romanced Davrin, and thought it was lovely. 💜 I’d been so lukewarm on Bellara in Vows & Vengeance so I was pleasantly surprised by how much I loved her. Emmrich was also lovely, but I didn’t connect with his storyline, truth be told.
Having developed my Rook, Melody, so much beforehand was helpful from a role playing perspective, especially since I was disappointed in the lack of Lords of Fortune lore. Her backstory has changed a bit to correspond with canon reveals about the LOF origin, and I’d like to write about the early years of her life, and meeting her mentor/adoptive father, Marcel.
Now, on to my Solavellan thoughts! 😂 I was happy with the ending. Thrilled, honestly, because I’d predicted long ago that the happiest ending they’d ever have would have Iris leaving to live with Solas in the Fade. I adored the Loki/Sigyn allusions to their ending.
That being said, I think they could have stood to let their reunion breathe a bit. I didn’t like that Solas refused Lavellan when she asked him to stop - I think it would have felt better if he’d been waffling, and not get answered when Morrigan intervened and brought Mythal to speak to him. Initially I’d been pretty pissed that it was Mythal and not Rook or Lavellan who talked him down, but after a few days of reflection, I’m more OK with it. He needed to be freed from his self-imposed bonds in order to be able to move forward and start the work to accept what he’s done cannot be undone without causing mass carnage.
That he ended the game as the veilguard (willing or unwilling) felt right - he needs to atone for all he’s done and his vow to protect the world with every breath he takes was moving and satisfying.
The kiss was fine - he’d gotten chewed up by an archdemon and was in rough shape so, much as I’d have loved a bit of tongue in there, my assumption is Lavellan was being careful not to hurt him. 😂 I wish we’d gotten more of his expressions - the fly cam shots floating around are beautiful and I’d have loved to see him smile as he gazes at his love in-game, rather than via fly cam.
Long story short, while the journey wasn’t perfect, the destination was, and I’ve got a whole list of fanfic ideas to tackle - both featuring Iris and Solas, as well as Melody and Davrin. Right now I’m working on a fic set immediately after Solas and Iris arrive at the prison. It’s heavy on the hurt/comfort on account of Solas taking a legendary ass-kicking, but I’d also like to explore Iris’ own regret, given the nature of the space they’re living in, as well as her efforts to alter the space to make it a home and not a prison. It’ll be a slow effort, but you can see the end result of that work in the fic I linked above, which is set three years after the end of Veilguard.
#dragon age the veilguard#da4#datv#veilguard spoilers#datv spoilers#j's fics#solas#solavellan#da4 spoilers#Iris Lavellan#Melody Laidir
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Take a Slice
Part Three- Catch
f!reader x Tashi Duncan x Art Donaldson x Patrick Zweig
Cinnamonacid on AO3
warnings- age gap, flirting, possessive behavior, implied sexual relations but no sex, etc.
It seems like your dreams have finally come true.
Tashi had already started to walk away, not letting the two men respond. They both chased after her.
“Wait, what? Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Art asked.
“Let me go with you.” Patrick insisted. Tashi paused, turning on her heel and facing them.
She looked at Art first, soft and reassuring. “It’ll be fine. It’s just a possible coaching opportunity. Nothing serious.”
Then, her gaze shifted over to Patrick. “No.”
“What? Why not?” He frowned.
“Because you come on too strong and I don’t want you scaring her away.”
“Bullshit.” Tashi gave him a dirty look. “Okay, maybe sometimes I can be a little blunt, but it’s just one of my charms. And you’re one to talk about scaring people away. You’re intimidating as hell. If you look at her like you’re looking at me right now, you’ll send her running.”
She leaned in close to him, tilting her head up so their eyes were level. “I’m the coach here. Not you. You should know that out of anyone, Patrick. Especially after I saved your ass and your career. So don’t try to interfere with one of my potential proteges. She’s mine. Stay away.”
She was right. Patrick knew that. He could fight it all he wanted, but time and time again, she had proved to him that she wasn’t his peer. Not when it came to tennis, at least. She had chosen to forgive him, to train him and help him win not one, but three grand slams in the span of a year. She made his career, bumped his rank up from 271st all the way to the top 5. He owed her everything.
So, he slumped back, letting her walk past. “Fine. Just don’t come running to me when she says no.”
She didn’t even bother to look back at him. “I won’t.”
–
You paced back and forth in the parking lot as you listened to your mother’s voice. You were still high from the win, still feeling the rush. Pride bloomed in your chest as she spoke.
“I’m so proud of you, baby. I knew you could do it! The next thing you know, you’ll be at the olympics!”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. I’ve still got a long way to go.”
“Well, with how hard you’re working, I’m sure that’ll be very soon.”
“Thanks, Mom.” You smiled to yourself, before you noticed something in the corner of your eye. You looked over, spotting your coach waving at you. You felt your heart jump in your chest as your eyes fell to the woman standing beside him. It was Tashi.
You could hardly process what your mother was saying, her words turning into white noise. You could barely speak. “Mom? I gotta go.”
“Okay, call me later?”
“I will. Love you.”
“Love you more than anything, sunshine.”
You hung up and fumbled with your phone as they walked over, unsure what to do with it or your hands. You were completely starstruck.
You must’ve looked like an idiot, standing there and gawking as your coach introduced you, but you couldn’t help yourself. You spent years and years dreaming of this moment, knowing that it was just a fantasy, that the chances of it actually happening were damn near impossible, and yet, here you were with Tashi standing mere feet away from you. She was even more gorgeous in person.
You could hardly even hear what your coach was saying over your racing heart, blood thumping in your ears. “This is Tashi Duncan and she’d like to speak with you.”
You nodded dumbly, watching as your coach walked away, leaving the two of you alone in the empty parking lot. You’re going to lose it.
“Congratulations.” She reached over to shake your hand. You hoped she couldn’t feel how sweaty your palms were.
“Thank-” You cleared your throat. It felt dry and tight, making it even harder for you to speak. “Thank you.”
“I know you don’t have a lot of time right now, so I’ll get straight to the point. I was impressed with what I saw out there today, and I’d like to coach you. Here’s my number, if you want to talk.”
She handed you her business card, it was pale white, her name imprinted on it in gold letters, along with a number. You flipped it over to see another number scribbled in black pen. “The number on the front is for business, for the foundation and such, so the best way you can reach me is through my cell. I hope we can talk soon.”
With that, she left. You watched her go, before staring at the card in your shaking hands.
Holy shit.
–
You sprinted over to Anneliese the moment you got the chance, after all the interviews and pictures and such. She was standing in the parking lot, waiting with the other girls for your bus to arrive and take you back to campus. Thankfully, the ride wouldn’t be too long, since you were only an hour out from Stanford.
You screamed her name, grabbing her hands. “What? What is it?”
“Tashi fucking Duncan talked to me! And she gave me her number!” You squealed, handing her the card.
“Holy shit! This is way better than an autograph!”
“I know, right? I guess she was impressed with how I played today, and she said she wanted to coach me. And look at the back, that’s her number- her personal cell phone number!” Anneliese’s jaw dropped.
“That’s amazing! And her cell phone too? Oh my god, she totally wants you.” You couldn’t help but get flustered, giggling nervously. “Noo, I wish though.”
“I don’t know, giving someone your personal cell phone number? As a professional and a celebrity? That’s bold. She better not steal you away from me.”
You threw your arm around her, pushing her body against yours, rolling your eyes. “You know that no one could ever steal me away.”
You looked around, making sure no one else was listening, before you leaned in closer, pressing your mouth against her ear. “Not from my pretty girl.”
“Stop.” She giggled and pushed you away, her cheeks all cute and rosy. “Make me.”
The bus then pulled up, getting everyone’s attention and ending your little banter session. But with the way she was looking at you, you knew there was much more to come.
–
You should be exhausted from the day. It was mentally and physically draining, in almost every way possible, and yet you still couldn’t sleep. You sat up in bed and made sure to be quiet, to not disturb Anneliese, who was asleep beside you. You stared at Tashi’s card on the table. Then, you grabbed your phone and put her contact in.
A few days later, you managed to work up the courage to text her. You sent her your name and a reminder of who you were, just so she wouldn’t mark it off as spam.
You: I’m ready to talk
She didn’t reply immediately, which wasn’t surprising. She was a busy woman. But that didn’t stop you from checking your phone constantly, opening the chat to see if she sent a read receipt or anything.
An hour or so passed and and just when you were about to give up, you saw the three dots appear, making your heart rate instantly spike.
Tashi: Great
Tashi: What day/time works best for you?
Tashi: I know just the place to meet
#challengers#art donaldson#patrick zweig challengers#patrick zweig#tashi duncan#art donaldson x reader#tashi duncan challengers#tashi duncan x reader#art x tashi#patrick zweig x reader#patrick x art#patrick x tashi#art x tashi x patrick#art donaldson challengers#tashi challengers#patrick challengers#challengers fanfic#challengers x reader#challengers fic#challengers x you
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the company i work for decided that its switching from the german formal "You"(Sie) to the informal "you" (Du) in all of our websites so now we have to scour the entire database to change it and i quite frankly hate that, not just bc the unecessary extra work but especially bc its such a weird and unecessary change
i bet its bc everything here is getting englishfied (both literally and culturally it feels like, when my new boss talks its half in english bc every second german word is just replaced by an english one despite there being perfectly fine words for it in german too, its so annoying) and bc they want to sound more personal in hopes of getting more clients bc 'company is your fwiend uwu!!', i know this here is the amercian tm site so you wouldnt understand really but i do not want to be greeted with 'du' by companies, no, thats too personal, you dont know me and im not giving you my data, stay away!!
i guess thats how i would describe it .. the formal you is like a polite distance, like someone you dont know staying outside your personal space, but when its the informal 'you' it feels invasive unless i told you you can call me that, and that goes double for companies
maybe its a small thing that doesnt seem important but i cant stand it, im just a little part time worker doing data work so i got no say in it but the companies founder also announced hes giving his post to his kids some time ago so ...... since then theres been alot of changes and new projects that solely aim to imitate whats popular and whats done by other companies, despite ours being one that is, or used to be, intentionally different, like, that was the POINT, but i guess chasing trends is just too appealing for CEOs
#ganondoodles talks#personal#rare personal rant#theres more and more changes that feel so weirdly forced#like man#i thought being different was the whole point#like climate and ethics are .. or were .. the core idea and now i guess its just fine to do whatever conventional companies are doing#yeah woohoo lets also do an app thing that forces people to sign up if they want reasonable prices!#smartphones the standard everwhere!#who needs anything physical if you can put it in an a phone so syphon off data directly out of people fingertips!! yea!!!#lets use AI pitcures bc we refuse to hire more graphic desingers and they are jsut so overworked uwu#climate? ethic? whats that#argh#sorry this needed to get out#recently had a stupid conversation with a coworker bc i asked them why we are okay with AI shit now when it goes against what this-#company was presumably founded on#and he was rly defensive and said welll we dont have time and its cheap and also maybe we should got WITH the time#like that last thing especially pissed me tf off#but i cant afford to lose this job#im starting to hate it more though so the dream of being able to stay like this might not be real#i cant get a job in this place that is as nice to my mental health so idk man#i wish i was good enough at merch and online stuff so i could live of that#but even trying to find out how taxes work on that stuff is a nightmare to me
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Heheheheheho I have gotten some of the Dragon Age books (🏴☠️) and this is gonna really let me dig into some stuff, especially my favorite guy Cole, cause now I can read his OG appearance, I want to see how much stuff Cole says, especially during his quest actually makes sense, and how much is in-universe "both sides are right"ing about not listening to what Cole wants to do.
I am mainly talking about Spirit!Cole thanking Inky for not making him change... Despite the fact that thoughout Cole's quest Solas ignores what Cole wants (Like being binded) & wants to do (Kill the guy who beat beyond beating a 12 (at most) year old (most likely, it isn't outright stated (to my memory) the Templar who fucked up the paperwork was also one of the ones who physically abused him, but I feel it's a pretty safe assumption) & got that child killed due to neglect & faced no consequences) but ultimately the choice that causes Cole to thank the player for not changing him is the one where you listen to Solas over Cole (Or well Varric, who also doesn't let Cole do what he wants but is closer to what Cole would have done if he had went alone for the confrontation) & in this route I would say Cole's character changes a lot more, especially as he forgets the original Cole, which... Rubs me wrong, but I'll save my more detailed thoughts for 1. After I fully read Asunder & 2. Either a full Cole analysis or a detailed post about my thoughts on his quest & routes (& maybe how I'd rewrite them, as a Autistic person & a ally to the aroace community)
Anyways my point is that I want to see how true it is characters rejected or wanted to change Cole, I want to see what leads him to feel that having two men argue & tell him who he is supposed to be & do only to have a third person decide out of those two's options for what he should do is remotely a situation where he's been accepted.
#talk tag#my meta#cole meta#da cole#dai cole#dragon age cole#anti Solas#anti varric#just a lil like I love them but also holy hell you can tell they are in a sense in Cole's quest meant to#repesent ''parents who *have to deal with* Autistic children & make their choices for them#which ultimately comes down to how Cole is infantlized despite being around the same age as the intended age for the HoF during DAO#but since he's a Autistic-coded man he is treated by the narrative & thusly by characters like he is far younger & can't make his own choice#& only by losing parts of that coding is he treated a little more like a adult either losing touches of ''humanity''#or having to start having relationships like how a allo nurotypcial would#anyways I am curious if the book has some of these issues or if it is mainly a DAI thing since tbh it has a Ableism issue#I do know that Cole in the book is allowed to be a lot more threatening which I am excited to see for myself#let him be fucked up he is a spooky ghost serial killer with messy morals & messed up ideas on how to help#also I should make my meta/thoery/hc about how the spirit vs demon dycomity is BS & is more based on if#a spirit fights back/has desires that aren't convinent for the mortals around it#''oh it isn't a sprit of justice who wants me dead for killing those mages... it's a demon of vengeance yeah''#''this spirit wants things & isn't just doing what I tell it to... Demon of desire''#anyways thoughts for a different day when I have done more research but it ties into Cole#because how actually different is it to mercy kill mages in hopes of being seen vs kill countless people some of whom are very much-#just acting with survival or protection of their people#in like the grand scheme of the system that decides when something is a spirit & it's a demon#why is it fine for Cole to kill to end others pain but if he does it for himself he is a Demon?#anyways ty for reading#child abuse#child death
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google search “how to connect with someone in a way that isn’t just talking about your own ocs”
#this is actually a problem. why is this a problem#i don’t know why it’s a problem. this sounds worse typing it out#it’s way too late to be having these emotions#i can talk to people fine but i have no idea how to start a conversation#augh#not sure why this hit me so suddenly tbh#strong emotions (good) suddenly turned into strong emotions (social inadequacy)#ramblings#if i ever want to talk to you about my ocs 99% of the time i’m trying to be closer friends#even when i have nothing to say about them#which becomes a problem when I just keep repeating it or say nothing bc i have nothing to say#but the emotion is there#i’m reaching out to you. i’m holding your hand.#i’m sorry i have nothing else to say. i love you. i love you.#personal#delete later
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having a lot of thoughts about how people use 'normalize' when they mean 'destigmatize' or 'make the nature of into common knowledge,' and how they conflate 'the perception of this thing as normal' with the thing actually being a normal occurrence, and how it is in fact incredibly harmful to try to convince people that an ideal situation is normal when that does not map onto their lived reality or the dangers they need to be aware of to avoid. it is 3:33am though so writing up an actual poast about it will have to wait for later
#whosebaby talks#this post brought to you by 'spreading awareness of what an abusive relationship is and looks like compared to a nonabusive relationship'#'is fantastic and i support it fully and think it's deeply important. giving people the false idea that abusive relationships are uncommon'#'and are flukes that go against the grain of society functioning as it normally does; is insanely dangerous to people who are potential#targets; and incredibly alienating and isolating and cruel to people who have already been targets'#'in uniquely awful ways depending on whether they're already aware of that or aren't. don't fucking do that'#it applies much more broadly than that; but it's an instance i think about A Lot and it's what led me to this line of thought to start with#there's also 'normal does not mean good and saying so has incredibly unbelievably harmful implications keep that shit out of your mouth'#but that is so obvious it boggles my mind that it has to be explained to anyone on this site; and it is talked about often enough#that i would rather focus on the parts i don't really see talked about much; if at all#also like the fact that 'statistically average' normal vs 'things are functioning as they usually do' is a critically important distinction#they are closely related and interplay heavily with each other but they are Not the Same Thing#and how 'normal' can refer to different layers and aspects of a subject--people with rare health conditions are not statistically average#and that by itself is fine. and those people having conditions that are disruptive to the usual functioning of a space or system#is avoidable in some cases by establishing as much infrastructure as possible to integrate their more common needs smoothly#and unavoidable in others; which means the normal functioning of a system/space that accommodates people with unexpected needs#has to account *for its normal functioning being disrupted sometimes*#and bend around that disruption without either breaking down or rolling right over the disabled people who Cause Problems#and at the same time 'rare health condition' gets applied to health conditions that are not rare *at all* to not only justify not bothering#to make the system integrate their needs in general when it could do so easily; but make it so that accommodating their needs anyway puts#immense and unnecessary strain on the system; so there is zero margin for anything you didn't specifically fight tooth and nail for already#anyway it's a really extensive subject and a fascinating one. for later. sleep now#abuse cw#ableism cw#the salt files#is there a name for that tag
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#it's been a while that I put something in the tags but Im very lost atm for reasons i don't know#i don't know if Im nervous to see my friendgroup from uni again because my ex crush is going to be there and I have to pretend everything is#fine while also not getting frustrated by that toxic friend that I can't stand anymore#or if it's because im feeling so damn empty from getting on a dating app after being rejected by said ex crush#i don't know know why Im on there my friend said it was an good idea but Im already regretting but I can't just delete it or whatever#because I actually have some people I have been talking to but why do I feel so empty then??#why does it feel like my life has been sucked out of me today? it can't just me the amount of interaction im sure that's not it.#i thought ... i thought this would make me happy to try bew things to get more attention from people get more confident#but why can't I shake this depression like feeling off#because I know this feeling well but I hope it doesn't stay please don't stay#how will I get better like this? am I still healing? i know I am but I was fine just yesterday just yesterday I didn't think of him#so why can't I shake this?#i have no answers I have nothing and I can't talk to anyone about it either because I don't even know what's going on#please just let me understand so I can heal this fix this#please just make me okay again#i can't start the year like this#please
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LMAO QUICK. WIPE YOUR TEARS BEFORE SOMEONE SEEEESSS YOUUU
#vent#:) !! dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I am in my feelings and I am feeling so many feelings like my heart being torn from my chest and pounded into the floor#and a rage so sickening that I can only get rid of by mutilating someone’s flesh with my teeth and nails#fuck fuck fuck man fucking shit everytime I start to open myself up to someone and share what’s at the core of my being#I let my guard down and shit happens!! why can’t I be normal!! why do I get so attached!!! so fucking needy!!!!!! why do I CARE so deeply#when I’m so easy to be ignored? honestly what am I doing here!! I’m forgettable!!! honestly!!#why talk to me??? what am I contributing AT ALL to the conversation?? I’m not interesting. I have no ideas. YOU have a hard time under me?#how do you think *I* feel?? do you think I know who I am?? what I believe?? what I desire??#why even BOTHER wanting for anything!! I dream of the absolute bare minimum life for myself!! I want to not die and live with my friend!!#maybe even MULTIPLE friends if I’m so lucky!!! do you know how much I’ve thought about it? how stupid of a fucking dream really truly#what are the chances of that coming true? who would want to spend more than a few hours. with me?#and so what?? if I can’t even achieve the bare fucking minimum dream ever then??? what’s the point??? what am I then??? if you think I have#ANY skills. you are mistaken!! I don’t know how to do anything!!! except cry over no response to my messages for TWO FUCKING WEEKS#I’m fine and cool. absolutely fucking DANDY#I’m totally not insecure about my place in the world and my place in peoples lives!!! noooooooo#I don’t need the bare minimum level of attention. I made it 13 fucking years having never truly connected to another human being.#I can handle. whatever the fuck this is. haha how pathetic. shitty shitty bang bang#nooo I’m a grizzled fucking soldier I don’t reread positive words directed at me like I have an addiction#I’m not replaying the top happiest moments from my life over and over again trying to ride a high from something that expired LOOONGG ago#I’m not fucking!! crying!! what do I have to cry for?? aww little piss baby DIDNT get a reply :( aww shh shh#your feelings are sooo valid don’t you worry!! it’s not like you’ve gone most of your life with the ability to get things you want!! GASP.NO#you didn’t have to struggle with food or money or housing!! nobody’s even HIT you before!! but even so your cries are valid!!!!#SIKE. NO. IM AT THE ABSOLUTE BOTTOM. MY PROBLEMS DONT MATTER#so WHAT if you’re longing?? doesn’t matter how hard you THINK or DREAM or WISH. NO ONE. NOT ONE SINGLE. FUCKING. PERSON#will EVER. see you as more than the fucking checker piece on the chess board!!#you want to be someone’s muse huh? don’t even CARE about their interpretations. or how they see you. all that matters is that in this moment#they’re stuck with you. they’re watching you. for at least a moment you can pretend they are yours.#god.... if only I could get myself to write my actual essays with this much passion haha#haha...a hh h..
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#vent. Like if read#I am convinced that the people I've spent the past year or so befriending do not actually like me#And like I'm mad at one of them but it's over a whole host of small things that have built up over time#And not like something really huge and significant#But I have no idea how to talk through these things. I only know how to bottle them up more#And the pressure is just building and building and idk what the hell I'm going to do#Also theres a weird sort of envy factor at play#But like I'm also in despair bc I didnt befriend people like my siblings friends who are all lovely people#And I dont know if I am delusional or something but I am pretty sure that two of the people I tried to befriend hate me#And I cant talk to it with the one friend from that group I feel like I can trust bc theyre dating the one I am upset with#And I feel like a whole world of communication occurs that I have no ear in#Bc I cannot for the life of me start a text conversation#Like I can reply to an instagram story or a tumblr post but my ability to just say things ends there#I have less trouble communicating in real life#But like I do not start text conversations and therefore no one adds me to group texts or discord servers or whatever the stupid instagram#...ersion of those things is#So I miss out on a whole sphere of communication#Like I can carry out a phone conversation just fine but like I have NO IDEA what the etiquette around phone calls is with ppl my age#Like I can just call my grandma whenever and she would be happy to talk#But I am under the impression that people my age hate phone calls and do not like to be called#And like this whole time I am entirely unsure abt what to do#And I have a couple of acquaintances/casual friends who I feel like I would be able to talk to abt most things#But for a wide variety of reasons I cant confide in them abt this particular issue.#And I think I've made my feelings abt that person worse bc I let all this tiny angers rot and fester#And didnt deal with them when they came up#And the things I was angry abt are not even things that matter especially now. Bc they were over specific projects that were in the past#But I still feel sour and angry abt them#And I have to go see these ppl tomorrow and either a) swallow my feelings some more or b) try and deal with it but risk making things worse#I like hanging out in a big group like 7-10 people bc then it's hard for ppl to pair off and leave me as a third wheel#this post will self destruct in the morning probably
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except that im mentally dead, i’m good
#i know its my concerta crash 80% but man being outside of my comfortzone for hours#does things to me too. like clockwork the mental exhaustion hits at 15 and its like someone pulled the plug#brain stopped working properly sorry only simple words used for me now i cant process#i got praise at work today tho so that made me feel too happy....#its deppressing how happy i am to hear anything encouraging or someone saying i do good#not hearing any of that growing up just made it something so major for me now#i'm going to be so fucking dead friday tho. hate how much energy goes away from me even if i just do small things#i know its my brain and how it works......... but my god...... i'd like an 'full energy battery' thats not normal peoples like 50%#cant tell if its my period thus my hormones speaking or if im in an episode#i think im just so fucking lonely haha....... i always feel that way but since moving on my own its bad#and the last moth its been worse too.... idk man. medication making me feel fine but also im like (: i need love and closeness#doesnt help that all my fave people have been away for diffrent reasons so i just feel lonely#not that im helping the matter bc im not contacting or telling anyone bc that would be out of line and bad so im just#here as usual i suppose? can still not get passed the idea that i exsist outside others needs for me#stuck in the mindset of always having to put others first and do whatever they want and idk how to start. im already an#big enough problem for people i dont want to make it worse for anyone dealing with me#miranda talking shit#negative#???
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#i have zero idea why everyone hates me so much#i litterally dont even have a personality i just adapt to the person im talking to#i wish i wasnt a fucjing burden like jesus christ i am not even a burden like i can take care of myself#i am completely fine with myself but i chase people away#i literally have no one#like no father#i have a mom sometimes depending on her mood#and i have mark and nicole but i feel guilty putting so much trust in them#im only 20 like i am in school i cannot live by myself rn but im gonna have to figure out how ig bc apparently im a horrible roommate#HHHHHHHHHJH#im gonna literally start killing people#you think im being silly#oh im being silly alright#silly with this gd axe in my hands#my Pearl era is approaching closer and closer istg
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i'm remembering why i don't stay on dating apps for long and why i have a hard time making connections with folks in general. if i have to teach one more fucking person about polite conversation with people you do not know yet, i swear to GOD.
#hhhhh i hate making generalizations but it does tend to be the cis men who don't know how talking to people like people goes#if you ask to see someone's art and they deign to share it with you don't immediately offer concrit unless it's specifically asked for?#like yes i'm concerned Iconic Character might not be recognizable despite my use of references for once#but i did not actually ask for your help on this because i don't know what your credentials are#and you barely recognized it as it is which is telling me you might not be the biggest fan of Iconic Character as you might think!#Fuck youuuuuuuuuu#i said yes to the offer because if they are reasonable changes i haven't already considered Part Of The Art i might consider them to improv#because i'm already going to be working on it again today so it's not really going to add any more to my plate than i might already have#but i don't even remember how many similar instances of fucking BONKERS things to say to a stranger i've been like#hey you know people don't talk to each other like this right? you know that's not how conversation is right?#please for the love of god tell me you don't talk to people IRL like this#cause i might start forming ideas about why tf you're on this app in the first place#like i know neurodivergence can be a hurdle and everyone's a little poorly socialized since lockdowns started in 2020#but... i KNOW these guys are not talking to their buddies like this#they think they can get away with it because i look like a woman#and if i gotta be the person who corrects them i will but boy howdy nothing gives me the ick faster than having to tell you that people#do not talk to other people like the way you're talking to me right now we do not know each other#do not presume you can just say Whatever at me and think i'm still gonna wanna try and get to know you to sleep with you like wtf#hhhh sorry. i'm like. probably not going to continue talking to this one but i did give him the opening to respond so i'll see what he has#to say and then move on with my life#it wouldn't probably be such a big deal if the vast majority of people i've attempted to talk to actually#yknow... talked to me.#but like it's fine. i'm fine. it's fine#like yes i would love to have someone i'm able to have sex with as well as friendship and general intimacy#i don't want to teach someone else how to be a person i barely understand it myself
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