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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 4 years ago

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Hi guys! As promised to that Anon, I wrote the timelines. I decided to write only the key points though because these are things we already know, and then, I’m sure there are more than a thousand proofs around and people who have already spoken about it. Enjoy.

Drum roll, please 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Let’s start with the first competitor: Tyrone William Griffin, aka Typical Dish Snacked Ty Dolla $ign 04/13/1982, the man who liked to tweet things like “I’m the curator of lesbians”.

PRen Tyren: As I already mentioned in the post “There is a light at the end of the tunnel”, it all started on the evening of November 15, 2016, when 5H went to the Epic party. Due to Laucy’s picture of the wedding and the ‘official’ coming out then occurred a few days later, on November 18, 2016, Lauren needed a boyfriend. That same night at the party, Typecast accepted the management’s proposal.

Typo tweeted “LMJ” on January 4, 2017, and then immediately deleted it. First move to create speculation since, presumably, Lauren ‘was’ still with Ludicrous. Shortly thereafter, a blind item about L who was having an affair with a married man came out. On January 10, 2017, Nicole Cartolano posted that picture of Laucy in the snow with a piñata. After wishing her a happy birthday, as we already know, luBYE. On February 13, 2017, there were the first PRren pictures at the Grammy after-party, so that people would start believing the blind item, BUT, making it clear that he wasn’t a married man, but a taken one, and yes, MAN, since Tyred is 14 years older than her, and therefore inculcating the idea that L was really cheating on Luggage. On March 9, 2017, Tymbal posted a picture of them together, coincidentally, the day after he advertised his upcoming album ‘Beach House 3’.

On March 22, 2017, we had ‘Bare With Me’ and Nicole Cartolano’s interview with MTV News. On the 23rd, we had, still very coincidentally and totally unplanned, “no I hate it because it’s invasive, scary, delusional, disrespectful to us both and was never real…Ever”, because, because, SHE DECIDES. NOT US. PERIOD. (sorry, I had to 😂. This is another of L’s tweets dating back to July 2, 2017: “I decide. Not you. Period.”) Joking apart, because she was single and she certainly couldn’t let the fans have hope for her and C, so she tried to kill the Camren ship for the umpteenth time. “Hey, hey, Lo, how’d it go? That bad, eh?” “Let me try again in 2020.” “Laur, babe, I’ll tell you what. I’m from the future, okay? It didn’t work, honey. And I don’t think it’s gonna work either in, I don’t know, in 2030.”

Back to the program.

The day before Nicole’s MTV article and eight days later, Twix posted a series of tweets (21: “Lo” - 30: “You look better on me 👀”, Cuban flag, and “I think she like me 😍”) [👈🏼 ‘Great grammar’ said in Lauren’s voice] which he then of course deleted to make everything more and more mysterious, and thus making people connect and figure out who was that ‘LMJ’ tweeted in January. On April 14, 2017, we had a picture of L with TyPod and his family dating back the night before when they celebrated Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’s birthday, followed by the blurred picture of the 15th of them together at Coachella. On April 18, 2017, Alycia Bella, Tinky Winky’s ex, tweeted “when you get cheated on w a 5th harmony member & all you can do is laugh.”, and then immediately deleted it, thus giving even more confirmation to people that both had cheated, despite Teletubbies denied and defended himself: “been moved on :) no cheating. Keep it Taylor’d. gang gang 🤘🏽🤘🏽”. The same Alycia who complained of being cheated on by Telly for ‘another girl’ during the reality show ‘The Platinum Life’ which aired on October 15, 2017 and that was recorded MONTHS BEFORE.

There were other tweets that Tyronic continued to tweet and then delete (April 1: “I think about you all the time” - April 3: “You my favorite” and “I don’t know what I did to deserve you” - April 7: “Really like what you’ve done to me”), Insta-stories and posts by both, and other public appearances together to increase the public’s curiosity. Such as: 1) Mani’s birthday. 2) August 16, 2017, when 5H did that famous and messy phone interview with The Sun for Dan Wooton’s podcast, one of Salmoned Cow’s well-known puppies friends, during which Dan asked Lauren about his relationship with Twinkly and she replied that they were just vibing. 3) Lauren’s birthday. 4) On September 11, 2017, Lauren posted pictures about the FentyxPuma party, and in one of those posts with pictures of her and Troglodyte, she put the caption with three hearts emojis, thus confirming to people that she and Tipsy were together.

February 2017 was the chosen month for Pukeren to ‘become’ official, confirmed by Typed in an interview at the Power 105.1 FM morning show The Breakfast Club on October 31, 2017, though, so a long time later and when the waters had already calmed down. By saying February, Tyring confirmed the cheatings exactly as it was planned. In another interview with BigBoyTV made on November 2, 2017, Typology showed the interviewees how even the background of his phone was a picture of Lauren. Picture that, by the way, Lauren herself posted 21 days before that by wearing Tijuana’s merchandise sweatshirt, so not even a personal picture that you’d normally expect to see from a real boyfriend.

Blah blah blah, Lauren never needed to defend a person so much in her life, blah blah blah, weed and booze and parties, blah blah blah, dogs (and fake allergies when convenient), blah blah blah, #Laurenthegroupie, blah blah blah, Tara and social media don’t get along very well, blah blah blah, #freepoorTweed ⛓️👮🏼 who was just having some fun with his friends, blah blah blah. We know the rest of the farce, and moving on to two years later, and therefore at the end of the PR, on April 15, 2019, Tic Tac tweeted a broken heart before zeroing his social media and Lauren a post on her social media, both implying the end of their oh so real ‘relationship’.

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Let’s move on to competitor number two: Maturely Hushed Matthew Hussey, 06/19/1987. The scammer par excellence (since 2012). The salesman who pretends to be a life coach/dating advice expert by deluding poor women who fall into his bullshit. The charlatan who has an infinity of fraud charges and even a restraining order for stalking and harassment by a woman named Samantha C. of San Diego. [this woman continually talked about the situation on her Instagram account, cheating_matthewhussey. Even Chelsea Briggs liked a picture.]

Ewmila Mattmila: The skit was supposed to start a lot sooner in reality. They ‘met’ for the first time on September 29, 2017, on the set of NBC’s Today show (performance that C dedicated to the Dreamers), but nobody has heard much about it, right? There was only a single Billboard article that did that. Following that meeting, it was supposed to start in October 2017, when they also started to follow each other on IG, but everything was postponed because C’s album was postponed. The album was released on the 12th, and by pure coincidence, on January 11th, 2018, during the interview with Elvis Duran, and COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BLUE, C mentioned Matilda for the first time by saying she was a fan of his. The same Mattress (10 years older than her) who coincidentally was there that day, so a setup for the public to make believe that they’d met that day.

The next day, at the release of the album ‘Camila’, C performed at Good Morning America, and Macaque, again by pure coincidence, had a small slot in the same program. On January 15, 2018, during the interview with Zane Lowe, when he asked if she had someone special in her life at that time, she replied with “maybe”, which was a big yes when she read “I can’t say your name without smiling” just before from her phone notes. On January 22, 2018, on Zach Sang Show, C said that she’s a private person and that she doesn’t like the ‘public thing’ since the Austin fiasco. Another bullshit said to make the public believe that it was the truth and take advantage of the events that would happen shortly thereafter, since, literally 18 days later, on February 9, E! News exclusively posted the first Burpmila pictures on vacation on a beach in Cabo, Mexico.

Blah blah blah, we know, blah blah blah, they lived in airports to get papped, blah blah blah, they even paid fans to do it, blah blah blah, “He’s great”, blah blah blah, “She’s great”, blah blah blah, #They'reGREAT!, blah blah blah, let’s kiss in a children’s playground #Sinu #needyCamila #someonepleaseteachStMatteohowtoholdagirl #SofiwasdecidingwhethertoreturntotheSagradaFamiliaorgoontheswingratherthanwitnessthatugliness, blah blah blah, let’s get to the first oh so real oh so important obstacle in their story.

On August 12, 2019, a Dutch singer named Elieve did an interview in which she confessed that she and Camila were dating the same guy (Matchbox) at the same time. Elieve was in London from the beginning of January to the beginning of February 2018 and Matzo was in London from January 14 to 19, so they met on one of those days.

Blah blah blah, let’s pretend we’ve overcome this obstacle, blah blah blah, let’s pretend we’re a super happy couple, blah blah blah, Disneyworld, blah blah blah, let’s go skiing, blah blah blah, trip to Italy, blah blah blah, Shawn’s entry, blah bl- wait… Oh yeah, it’s the second PR’s turn. Goodbye Ew! ‘Thank you very much for nothing. Bye-bye!!’ said in Lauren’s voice. End of ‘story’ on May 11, 2019, that is, the last time they were photographed together, news confirmed on June 25, 2019, only 4 days after the release of Señorita.

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Even if it wasn’t part of the request, this is a bonus of mine just because.

Señorita + Shitmila Showmila Shawmila: On January 27, 2018, Camila, Shaky, and Andrew, Shavable’s manager, were papped in a restaurant eating pizza before the Pre-Grammy Gala in New York City. That meeting took place to propose the idea of the PR to C to help increase both Shallow’s music sales and his image. Camila was uncertain. 2017 had been a great year for her as a first time as a solo artist, and she knew that she would’ve to play her cards even better during 2018; plus, the PR with Matryoshka hadn’t even officially started and had already been postponed for a few months because the release of her album ‘Camila’ had been postponed.

Andrew explained to her that the PR with Chauffeur wasn’t going to be done right away at all, also because as C would have her PR relationship with EatchEW, Shanty would have that kind of PR relationship/not relationship with Hailey Baldwin (now Bieber) that only served to make people speculate and maintain the idea that Shazam wasn’t gay. Andrew also explained to her that their future PR relationship would benefit both of their careers because there would be a collaboration, a number 1 hit, which they would look for and use as a launchpad for the narrative. #friendswhothenfallinlove #RomeoandJulietbullshit

This perfect duet, went first to knock on Camila’s door, and then to Shuttle’s one in April 2018 in the form of Andrew Watt who already knew everything about the charade. Watt (he also worked on Havana and 7 songs for Romance including Señorita) co-wrote the song in April 2018, shortly before contacting Shitto, along with Jack Patterson, Ali Tamposi (she also worked on Havana, Consequences, and 6 songs for Romance including Señorita), and Charli XCX. [The same Charli who did an interview on October 21, 2019, in which she gave the true version of the story without even remotely mentioning Scab: “This Latin Pop flare just wasn’t right for who I am because I am not a part of that culture, I’m not from there. Whereas Camila has that in her blood, so when we wrote the song we thought about her and sent it to her.”]

Now that they had found the perfect song, and with the addition of Benny Blanco and Cashmere Cat in the production, all they had to do was convince Camila and her team. Charli XCX and C were the opening acts for Taylor Swift’s Reputation Tour from May 8 to October 6, 2018, during which Charli tried to persuade her to do the song by explaining how perfect it was for her. And who knows, maybe even since then they started working on it together since Camila, as she used to do, rewrote almost completely the lyrics to make it more her own. Ask that also to ‘Care About Me’ who turned into ‘The Boy’.

On August 4, still during the Reputation Tour, Shampoo went to the concert date in Toronto, and Taylor posted an Insta-story in which she put make-up and glitter on Shank’s eyelids. Sweaty regretted giving Taylor permission to post the video because people have always thought he was gay for years, and on November 26, 2018, the RollingStone interview was released in which he admitted that he felt the need to be photographed and seen with a girl to prove he isn’t gay. This was a great leverage they used with Camila since she could understand and help a friend in need. The work of persuasion lasted for about 9/10 months, from January 27, 2018, to the end of November/beginning of December 2018. Indeed, on December 5, 2018, both posted a picture taken on the 4th in the backstage of KISS 108’s Jingle Ball 2018 in Boston. Thanks to those pictures and C’s comment, word of their possible future collaboration began to spread. The plan was by then in place.

P.S. remember what happens to Romeo and Juliet, don’t you? Yeah. They die. And like Romeo and Juliet, they’re gonna (metaphorically speaking, of course) die too. Be patient, my babies, be patient.

🎉the🎊end🍾

I want comments now, guys. Which of these competitors you can’t stand the most and why, I’m curious. Put this 🐙 for Tissue, this 🐽 for Matte, and this 🐔 for Shrunken accompanied by the motivation. Let’s have some fun. 🥂

🖕🏼 this is mine for all of them, by the way.

As always, thanks, Mari. 🥰 Bye guys, I love you. Always with love, F. ❤️

#submission #f anon #mattmila tyren showmila timeline #so funny #anon #ask #how many names on this post #thanks you too much faby

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stovetuna · 4 years ago

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This is for @bardingbeedle who yelled at me in the tags and then on messenger and ultimately inspired me to write some “lorge soft steve” and tbh who am I to refuse. (also high-key inspired by this masterpiece of fanart I RBed [again] earlier today)

(takes place shortly after the events of Avengers Assemble episode 2x07, aka the best fic none of us ever wrote)

(heed the READ MORE!)

***

Tony is hustling from one meeting to the next, all but literally running into the kitchen for a cup of afternoon coffee, when he spies Steve Rogers bent over the communal living room coffee table. That in and of itself isn’t exactly outside the realm of normal Steve Rogers activities—the man does love a good brood, even if he won’t admit it and doesn’t do it as often as he used to.

But Tony wracks his brain for possible reasons why Steve would be hunched up around the shoulders like he’s expecting a body blow any minute and keeps coming up empty. Not even fresh coffee makes his synapses fire faster. Did they forget his birthday? Impossible. Did someone send Captain America hate mail? Uh, doubly impossible, especially because Tony’s got lawyers screening their mail for that kind of stuff (they’ve got more than enough pressure in their day-to-day lives, time-slip dinosaurs and age regressions notwithstanding).

Maybe Steve found a piece of upsetting news, or some fact of modern history that isn’t sitting well with him? That’s a lot more likely.

Before he can remind himself that Pepper’s waiting in his office to put him on a call with the president of MIT—something about a commencement speech, if memory serves—Tony is sauntering into the living room, nonchalant, tongue already prickling with some smart remark. He’s got it all written out in his head like a perfect line of code up until the moment he’s standing in front of Steve and sees the expression on his face.

“Whoa, who ran over your puppy?”

Tony winces, wishing for the millionth time that his mouth and his brain could work together simultaneously, but no. Worse, Steve doesn’t even answer him—he just frowns harder, if that’s even possible, and folds in on himself like his shoulders alone don’t take up half the length of the massive couch. Tony lowers the hand holding his coffee and blinks.

“Steve?”

“Oh!” Steve jumps upright, and quick as a flash moves something vaguely folder-shaped behind his back. “Tony! I didn’t hear you walk in—don’t you have a meeting right now?”

Something in Tony’s chest squeezes at the sight of that smile and at Steve’s impeccable attention to detail. But really, ever since the incident with the Time Stone, when he’d jolted back into his adult body and come to in Steve’s arms, he’s felt completely knocked off-balance. Now everything about Steve Rogers—the man, not the superhero—is a revelation. Every smile, every word, every look has Tony tripping over his own feet, tongue, thoughts. He may be back in his adult body, but he’s never felt more like a prepubescent teenager with a crush, fidgeting in place under Steve’s gaze.

“It got postponed,” he lies, because whatever has put that pinch between Steve’s eyebrows is way more important right now. “What’s up?”

“Nothing!” Steve replies, too loud and too quickly. Tony gives him a look. Steve flushes, shrinking in on himself even further, like he wants the couch to devour him. “Uh, nothing important. Just an anniversary I forgot about.”

Now it’s Tony’s turn to frown. He likes to think he’s got a solid mental calendar of important dates for all of his teammates memorized at this point—Natasha’s move-in, Bruce’s lab incident, Sam’s SHIELD acceptance, Steve being found in the ice—but none of those are today.

“Got room for one more?” Tony asks, nodding at the scant space next to Steve on the couch when the man gives him a questioning look. Steve’s cheeks immediately go a charming shade of pink, which churns the coffee in Tony’s empty stomach with a vengeance. Steve shifts to press himself against the arm as Tony moves to sit down next to him, almost crushing the folder Steve had hidden earlier in the process. There’s a gasp, and a lightning-quick hand, and then Steve, pale and breathless, is holding a manila folder against his chest like it’s the secret to the Super Soldier Serum.

It’s weird—Tony knows Steve trusts him, and vice versa. They wouldn’t have solved the riddle of the Time Stone if they didn’t trust each other. So to sit next to Steve, who’s gone from morose to terrified in the three minutes since Tony walked into the room and feel a wall between them is jarring. And upsetting. He’s only been nursing this crush for a few days, and Steve’s not that perceptive…is he? Maybe he is. Maybe this is Steve weeding out Tony’s feelings before they’ve even had a chance to grow.

Tony shakes his head at the thought. No, Steve’s a lot of things, but cruel isn’t one of them.

“Care to share with the class?” he asks, gently so he doesn’t spook Steve. It seems to work: Steve relaxes, tension falling from his shoulders as he eases into Tony’s presence. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, but keeps the folder pressed securely against his sternum. Tony tries hard not to steal a glance at the way Steve’s shirt pulls across his broad, thick chest as he breathes.

“It’s nothing.”

“Cap, if it was nothing, you wouldn’t be trying to Honey-I-Shrunk-Myself into the couch right now.”

Steve Rogers in active wear doesn’t cut quite the same figure as Steve Rogers in full Captain America regalia, it’s true, but that doesn’t mean he’s small. Like this, he’s just as large and has just as much presence as he does in uniform; it’s just…more human. Less Captain, more Steve. Both are devastating in their own way, but only Steve—friendly, blushing, awkward, unassuming Steve—makes Tony acutely aware of the distance between their bodies, down to the last electrified hair.

Catching his own breath, Tony puts his full mug on the coffee table and drops his hands into his lap, turning his head to watch Steve chew on whatever words are fighting to come out. Be patient, he tells himself. Whatever this is, Steve’s struggling with it, and Tony can have some tact when he wants to.

Finally, Steve closes his eyes and sighs. When he lowers his hands, the folder goes with them. Tony glances at the cover and almost swallows his tongue.

“Is that—?” Steve makes a noncommittal sound, like a ‘yes’ but softer, uncertain, like he’s not sure Tony’s reaction is a good one. Tony swallows his excitement with a wince. “Is that the Project Rebirth file? I told Fury to give it to you a long time ago, but I wasn’t sure he did.”

Tony is so preoccupied looking at the folder he doesn’t hear Steve’s gasp or notice his eyes lock onto him. “He did,” Steve replies quietly after a pause. “But that’s isn’t…that’s not what this is about.”

That’s kind of a surprise. The sudden appearance of the Project Rebirth file would explain Steve’s face and body language, but if it’s not that…

Steve hands the entire folder over to Tony without another word.

“Uh,” Tony gapes, too awestruck to achieve any kind of higher brain function.

“Look at the date,” Steve says. It’s not an order, just a gentle request, but it doesn’t prevent a shiver from rippling down the length of Tony’s spine. If he was hyperaware of the space between their bodies before, it’s even worse now with Steve leaning every-so-slightly toward him and reaching out a hand to point directly at the date written on the faded label.

22 June 1943

Tony blinks. “It’s the anniversary…of you?” He opens the folder without a second thought, and the first thing he sees is a picture of Steve. There are other things in the file—sheaves of what look like medical reports, heavily redacted memos, and carbon copies of typed letters—but the only thing Tony can focus on is Steven Grant Rogers circa 1943. The Steven Grant Rogers of before.

He’s touching the photo before he can stop himself, being so, so careful as he traces the narrow shape of the man in the photograph while the real, supersized thing sits next to him.

“It’s the first time I’ve really had a chance to sit and think about what it was like, before,” Steve says, unprompted. “Everything happened so fast once I got the serum, I didn’t have time to just…take it all in. And then I went into the ice and—well. You know the rest.”

All skin and bones, this man, back then. But the jut of his jaw is the same; the serum didn’t change that, or the flinty stubbornness in Steve’s eyes, or the proud set of his shoulders, just daring the world to try and fuck with him. Tony smiles—Steve before the serum is like a matchstick, short and thin and always one spark away from bursting into flame. He really didn’t change a bit.

When Tony finally looks up from the photo (not gazing, of course not), he sees Steve’s expression has gone pinched again, his arms now crossed in front of his chest.

“Alright, there’s that face again. Out with it, Cap.”

Steve really shouldn’t bite his lip—it’s bad for Tony’s health. But Tony’s comment does get him to smile a little bit, which is good. “I guess…it’s been over seventy years since I got the serum, but most days I still feel like that skinny guy in the picture.” Tony watches him as he speaks, taking in the faraway look in Steve’s eyes, the shrinking posture, the downward turn of his mouth—who says I can’t be observant, Tony thinks—and wishes he and Steve were the kind of friends who hugged outside of catastrophic cosmic events. God knows it looks like Steve could use one, as wound up and tense as he is right now.

“I’ve broken so many things by accident because I keep forgetting I’m this, now,” he says, gesturing broadly at himself with one hand. Frowning, Steve uses that same hand to brace his forehead, elbow dropping down onto his thigh. The man is the picture of misery, and Tony aches to comfort him. It’s a physical pull in the pit of his stomach, urgent and needy—like if he doesn’t get his arms around Steve Rogers right this second, something important inside him is going to malfunction.

Tony shoves his hands under his thighs and nods. “Dr. Erskine could turn you into a super soldier,” he says softly, “but he couldn’t erase the first 27 years of your life.” He doesn’t speak his next thought aloud—that if there was in fact a way to erase those years, Tony would have signed up for the very first clinical trial. It’s a grim thought, and not something Steve needs to hear right now, but it’s been on Tony’s mind ever since his brief return to adolescence, and it’s a hard one to shake.

But what Steve heard seems to help. He peeks at Tony through his fingers and swallows loud enough even Tony can hear it.

“Yeah,” he rasps, “something like that.”

“What else?”

“What?”

“What else is bugging you? About this?”

Steve lowers his hand and stares at Tony. Stares. It’s such a feeling, being stared at by Steve Rogers, Tony can feel the heat climbing up from underneath his t-shirt. Even the arc reactor feels a bit warmer in his chest.

“How could you tell?”

“You’re still doing your level-best impression of a Shrinky Dink, Cap,” Tony replies. “Kind of hard not to notice.”

“I have no idea what that is,” Steve laughs, a hoarse, dry sound, “but you’re not wrong. I guess…I don’t know. It’s hard to put into words.”

“Try.”

Seriously, when Steve looks at him like that—like he did when Tony soared through the air as Iron Kid, all awe and pride and warmth—Tony feels capable of anything. Anything. He’d bottle that feeling, if he could, just like he’d bottle the color of Steve’s hair in the afternoon light coming in through the living room windows right now, all warm, pale yellows shot through with gold. If the photo in the file were in full color, Tony would bet his fortune Steve’s hair would be the same shade it is now.

Because Steve Rogers has always been perfect. Damn him.

“I still feel small,” Steve says, and any thoughts of hair and perfection derail abruptly. Looking into the middle-distance past his nose, he continues, “I don’t fit in this body. That doesn’t make sense, but—it’s like the super soldier is a mold, and I’m just there rattling around inside it, too small to fit. Does that—does that make any sense?” He looks at Tony imploringly, begging him with his eyes to understand. Tony feels that tug again, worse now, to wrap his arms around Steve and hold him tight. Call it returning the favor for the other day with the Time Stone, call it acting on his crush, whatever.

No one so large has ever looked as small as Steve Rogers does right now.

“It does,” Tony croaks.

“Really?”

“Really. I mean, how do you think I feel inside the suit?”

Steve makes a sound at that—not a whimper, not a gasp, but something hovering between the two that splits Tony’s heart right down the middle. “I never thought of it that way,” he whispers. “But that’s it. That’s exactly it.” Visible relief fills Steve’s lungs and makes his entire body go lax, leaning closer to Tony in the process. Tony, of course, is hyperaware of Steve’s size—everyone except Thor and Hulk is small compared to him—but now he’s equally aware of who’s operating the Cap-suit, so to speak.

“The only difference is, I can take my super-suit off,” Tony says, pinching the underside of his own thigh to cut off a laugh—Steve hasn’t seen The Incredibles yet—and continues, “you can’t. That’s bound to make a guy feel uncomfortable, even you, Mr. ‘I can handle anything you throw at me.’” He elbows Steve a little, good-naturedly, for emphasis, and gets a full, beautiful smile for his efforts.

God. Skinny or huge, Steve Rogers is gorgeous. It really shouldn’t be allowed.

“Yeah, good point.” Face still split by a smile—I put that there, Tony preens—Steve leans against the back of the couch and sighs. “There are things I miss, though. About being small. I didn’t think I did, until…” He glances at Tony, then, and there’s no missing the blush creeping up his neck.

“Until?”

“The other day,” Steve replies. “When you de-aged, and I—when we—” Tony bites his tongue so hard he’s pretty sure he tastes blood. Don’t interrupt. Let him get it out. Steve laughs breathily. “When I hugged you, I was so glad I was in a position to protect you, physically, like that. But later on I kept thinking about how much I miss being the protected one, sometimes. Not always, but. Sometimes.” Steve looks at the photo and sighs. “I keep thinking about what it felt like when ma looked after me when I was sick, or when Bucky put himself between me and the bigger guy because he knew I couldn’t take another hit…sure I resented it a little, being so weak, but I liked…that.”

“You liked being cared for.”

The look Steve levels at Tony could drive away a storm.

“Yeah,” he husks. “I did.”

“And now that you’re—” Tony waves a hand at Steve’s everything, “—this, you think you don’t, what, deserve care?”

“Maybe?” Steve blinks. “I don’t know.”

“Cap—Steve,” Tony says, putting his hands palms-up in his lap so Steve can see all of him. No threat, no judgment. “Everyone wants to feel cared for. It’s human nature. And just because you’re superhuman doesn’t mean you’re inhuman.”

Damn if those therapy sessions Pepper forced him into aren’t paying off big time right now. If the sheen in Steve’s eyes is anything to go by, Tony’s hit the nail right on the head.

“Oh,” he breathes.

“Yeah,” Tony smiles. Butterflies be damned, he moves the project file onto the coffee table next to his now-cold mug and turns toward Steve. Slowly, he opens his arms. “C’mere,” he says, so quiet only Steve would hear if anyone else was around. As it is, they’re alone in the tower, and Steve doesn’t hesitate—one moment Tony’s arms are empty and the next he’s got 240 pounds of solid muscle curling into his chest and Steve’s tucking his big head under Tony’s chin like the world’s neediest Bernese mountain dog.

Thankfully, Tony’s arms are just long enough to fit all the way around Steve’s massive shoulders. And even if they weren’t, he’d find a way to make it work.

Knees knocking together, feet brushing up against each other on the carpet, Steve shifts and adjusts until he can wrap his arms around Tony’s waist. Once he settles in, he sighs right into the notch at the base of Tony’s throat. “Thank you, Tony.”

“Anytime, big guy,” Tony replies, softly with a warm smile he thinks Steve can’t see.

#bardingbeedle #steve rogers #tony stark #pre-getting together #stevetony #stony #stony fic #superhusbands #rachel writes fic #HAPPY JUNE 22 #KINDA #ignoring the fact that I'm posting this at 0130 on June 23 :3 #insecure steve rogers #insecure tony stark #tony and I see the same therapist lol #stovetuna writes #and yes 22 June is apparently the MCU date of Project Rebirth #PERFECT TIMING

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likeawildthing · 5 years ago

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in full transparency, last night i asked for you all to share the things you’re missing and grieving. I thought I could hold a place on this blog for the collective grief we are all feeling, even for one ask session. but it became too much. everyone is properly upset and I apparently don’t have capacity right now to offer words of support to all. And I don’t necessarily think that I need to. It’s okay that this sucks. There is a moment of collective grief we’re all feeling, we are all missing different things. It’s okay not to compare your loss to someone else’s. A loss felt by you is still a loss. We’re all coping, yeah? but i did read all of your responses, and I’m putting them under the cut if anyone wants to read. I hope you do give it a read because it does affirm that we aren’t alone.

love you all <3 <3 <3

anonymous: My bf broke up with me cause he couldn’t handle the distance due to corona... now I grieve what we could’ve been. I miss him so much.

anonymous: grieving the loss of my senior year of college, my cancelled thesis, my graduation, my job, and my application to grad school which is postponed indefinitely while I work out the requirements. Would love suggestions on how to fill the void

anonymous: i'm grieving the loss of my racing season. i didn't think it was as devastating as it would be but losing all the work that my team put in for years to get where we are today and losing the chance to prove ourselves at nationals.... has been just that... devastating. i can say though that this quarantine has brought the team close together and i am finding myself. thank god i have the ability to but i am looking at myself as a person instead of just a student, athlete, etc. and figuring out myself in the process. whether that means hobbies, what to do with my future, or just what fulfills me, i'm learning a lot of things about myself. also the weather was gorgeous out today and i was able to get a walk with my dad in after my workout. beautiful!!! also made banana bread and have a zoom call with my teammates for sunday breakfast tomorrow. (GOOD VIBES!!!)

anonymous: Due to quarantine I can’t see my significant other for an indeterminate amount of time since we’re long distance and I’m an at-risk person. We’re trying to fill the distance with FaceTime calls but it’s still really hard, mostly because we’re just stuck and don’t know for how long :(

anonymous: I used to volunteer at an op shop every sunday with two of my favourite people. The customers sucked, but we played disney and had a blast and would sometimes do dinner or games after it. I miss it so much. To make up for it, we send regular pictures of our pets, do video calls on sundays and play an online pictionary type game to laugh at each other's terrible drawing skills :')

anonymous: In Germany we are allowed to see one other person at a time. I miss meeting more than one friend. As an autistic girl, communication can be hard and it's easier when you are with three people, cause you can just let them talk and no one focuses on you the entire time. You can just listen and not talk for a bit.

anonymous: I'm a costume designer and after a few years of assisting I finally finally got hired as the lead designer for Matilda. Which of course then got cancelled, and may be pulled from the season completly if we can't reopen by June. So I have all of these fabric samples and sketches that hurt my heart to look at but that I can't bear or risk throwing out.

@empiresprincess I’m grieving making music, running a musical, being with young weird enthusiastic youths, and my health. Also seeing my mom or a few my more beloved friends. I’m snuggling my dog, watching my fav youtuber, rewatching comforting media, trying to take care of myself and to let others know when I really need help. Oh and Im working on not judging myself too harshly.

anonymous: i was just finishing my second quarter at ucla when everything got shut down, and like.. it kinda sucks. i busted ass to get accepted to my dream school, pulled all nighter after all nighter at community college and finally transferred to ucla. i was JUST starting to feel like i had a place there. winter quarter was when i made some really good professor friends, started to get into the swing of things, adn that was when i realized i genuinely WANTED to go to grad school in the uk and get a phd and one day teach. then overnight im back home struggling w online classes and it just feels like im back to square one? they haven't cut our tuition costs either, and i feel like im paying so much for a whole experience, which now is just zoom university. ;~; i know its not the end of the world, but its sad and i miss my roommates. still, i guess it could be worse. i feel bad for the seniors who are ending their ucla journey with this. also my boyfriend and i have been doing long distance for nearly a year, and our one-year anniversary is coming up in a few days. i really thought we'd at least be able to spend that together, but he's an international student and he had to go back to india bc of covid. ;~; i miss him a lot and im terrified that the increased distance/time difference will cause us to just fizzle out. its not like we don't love each other a lot, but such limited contact (he can't ft bc his dad doesn't know about us, and so we only call like 3 times a week for 10 mins) makes it hard.. i haven't seen him in almost three months now, and it's just sad, even though i know its not either of us's fault. anywho!! this got really long; sorry about that!! in the grand scheme of things this isn't that bad though, so i'm trying to grieve the losses (and the loss of being back home, oof!) while still keeping an eye out for some of the good things to come. take care linds i hope you're safe and doing better

anonymous: On one level I am literally grieving the loss of a family member to the virus, but on another I am grieving the loss of my usual life (I had to move back in with my parents temporarily after being on my own for 4 years) and my student (our governor just announced that schools are closed for the rest of the year and I feel like I never ever got to say good bye). I've been filling the void by writing fanfic, but even that has been hard as I have no privacy anymore. I keep getting interrupted.

#grief #covid #good vibes 2k20

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dansnaturepictures · 4 years ago

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My eighth wildlife and wildlife and photography highlights of 2020 blog-Our trip to Devon and Cornwall in August

Dipper, Chough, Manx Shearwater and more

You may recall that a permanent fixture in these highlights blogs every year has been our trips to Rutland Water to attend the British Birdwatching Fair. The organisers took a correct, timely and classy decision to cancel it this year due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It would have not been possible to do safely this year given the nature, popularity and international scope of the event. I did miss going to Rutland it was my first summer since 2007 I didn’t go to Rutland or the wider East Midlands, but I enjoyed where I could getting involved and also donating to the virtual Bird Fair they held instead which by checking the schedules and watching talks and things I felt very much the same exciting vibes I got going to the Bird Fair every year since I was kid.

But I still had the Friday and Monday booked off work for when it would have been on. So as restrictions allowed us at that stage we booked to go to Devon for three nights to visit certain West Country wildlife rich and beautiful locations we knew. Something I felt very excited about I do love this area of the country what a bonus to get to go back after doing so last September going to Cornwall and this and last January in Gloucestershire my last trip away. It was nice to just stay somewhere else other than home for the first time in five months for me safely. On the way on the Friday in and out of sunshine we took in wonderful views of the countryside, most notably seeing the famous Stonehenge in Wiltshire a place I had seen before from the car but I had never managed or even really tried to photograph it so I did that that day I just managed to get my camera ready in time to take pictures of it through the car window including the first in this photoset a fun moment making me excited for my next West Country adventure it’s such a great staging post in any journey there.

When we arrived and settled into the lovely cottage we stayed in in a working farm environment, we ventured to three lovely lakes in a nice light evening they have here. It was such a beautiful walk, I took in brilliant views over this typical Devon countryside which I love. It was particularly a very nice night of flowers and insects a botanist’s dream a little bit, we saw so many wonderful flowers including late foxgloves in the rain, lovely rosebay willowherb, some striking orange and pink ones nice to see them with raindrops on and insects flying around. The orange ones I found out later on were montbretia. As we drove in on a day that had its fair share of rain it was comical to see little makeshift “rivers” flowing along the roads and lanes so it was nice to capture this in a photo too. During the walk it rained that night just a bit and the sun shone, I looked over the fields seeing the dark clouds behind and thought to myself that’s where the rainbow will go and I said that to my Mum and like happened earlier this year surely enough a rainbow did then appear right on that patch and it looked glorious I took the second picture in this photoset of it. A nice addition to my best ever year of rainbows fittingly given what they came to mean in 2020 and a beautiful start to the holiday I felt very relaxed that day especially compared to weeks that proceeded it. I also saw a couple of Wrens that night which was very nice as I felt in the heart of Devon countryside I really tasted that in a sense and embraced by it. A lovely moth a Yellow-barred Brindle came in that night showing good continuity from them coming in at home the weeks leading up to the trip away.

We started the Saturday away with a walk up the lane from where we’re staying, it started rainy and then got sunny, we enjoyed some stunning Devonshire views of lovely countryside which was a great start to the day alongside being very relaxed at being away and excited. On this walk like I did throughout the day I saw more rosebay willowherb. As the sun really came out I was delighted to see beautiful Swallows flying very close overhead and landing on the wire, a special moment with a great bird. A young Robin outside the cottage was very lovely to see and I saw and photographed one at Fingle Bridge later on that day which was memorable. I also saw nice butterflies Speckled Wood and Large White on this walk. I took third picture in this photoset of a view on this walk.

We then went to Fingle Bridge the main place we wanted to come this trip away to search for one of my favourite birds the Dipper. Here it was nice to see Grey Wagtail, Red Admiral, Large White and Southern Hawker as we took in stunning views of a beautiful habitat I love so much gushing water flowing over rocks through a valley in the woods a habitat I find very delicious. I also felt I went back in time and saw some Silver-washed Fritillaries strong butterflies for the habitat one who’s season had long since ended at home in Hampshire. Whilst in Hampshire as I said in my last highlights blog at this stage I was taking in lots of sights and signs of autumn there were only some with one tree in autumn colour here. The flower sightings the night before and that day showed the season in Devon was slightly behind and a little more how the year normally unfolds actually.

Our quest to see a Dipper at Fingle Bridge after walking around was beginning to look a bit fruitless, but I kept saying we must never give up and all we needed was a moment of magic to see one. Luck changes in seconds with these birds. We came across an angler who we spoke to at a safe social distance as we were eating one or two wild raspberries and he had some too and I had some blackberries further on. We asked if he’d seen a Dipper on his travels and he had as well as Kingfisher too the Dipper recently and he told us roughly how far along. It was a very pleasant chat. We walked on checking the river at all times and we saw a Dipper! Very likely the same one. That one moment had happened and I felt so happy. We got brilliant views of it on the rocks in the water and it was very interesting to see it flying as I had done before and see it swimming a bit which I never had before really in the flesh. I got my first photo of an adult Dipper since 2014 the fourth in this photoset, we had seen the bird we had come for as we had here in 2015 which meant it was mission accomplished and we could feel anything that happened on the trip now was a bonus and it was a relief to see this my 12th ever occasion of seeing a Dipper.

It was quite an emotional moment really. 2020 looked like a year we could possibly see a Dipper when we went to North Wales in June we had the right habitat and had locations where we looked for them there in 2016 but that was rightly postponed due to the virus at that stage. I then thought and even said I would not see a Dipper this year and I accepted that. But then the Bird Fair was also cancelled and we managed to sneak a staying-away trip in to this area we love so much and Dipper was the bird we’d come for and we’d managed it which I loved. It was very thrilling to see this bird. 10 years on in very similar habitat (My first ever Dipper was at Exmoor’s Watersmeet which Fingle Bridge is like a Dartmoor version of) from seeing my first Dipper I was reminded why they are one of my favourite birds and how much I love it. Interestingly during my last time off work for more than one day before this my hot week off of day trips in Hampshire and most notably surrounding counties to it in June, on the Friday I watched Julia Bradbury’s ‘Walks with a View’ programme I think repeated where she walked Lynmouth to Watersmeet as part of her walk that episode and saw Dippers which made me very nostalgic this before I knew we’d get to go to Devon so it just made me feel very nice that. Year list wise it was a very important milestone being my 170th bird of 2020. A worthy bird to be the milestone which made me very happy. Equally I didn’t know if I’d reach 170 birds this year it’s been a crazy and restrictive (for the best for us all of course) year a figure it always feels smashing and I am proud to reach I’ve only achieved it six times so I felt happy. I came away once again with a very good impression of Fingle Bridge what a fantastic place it is, the woods and river habitat I just love so much. There’s also lots of nice picnic areas it’s a typical National Trust place so it was nice to see lots of people safely enjoying time outside this August it gave me great holiday vibes.

We then moved into Meldon Reservoir. At Fingle Bridge I had some therapeutic moments listening to and watching the water gush over rocks and falls, and I had very much the same here but in a different more open setting perhaps. Here I simply took in some of the greatest views I’ve seen this trip and this year so far it was exceptional. Typical national park views within Dartmoor. I had never seen anything like it being at a reservoir and dam really and walking along it. It was a wonderful walk through breathtaking countryside. I took the fifth picture in this photoset from here I enjoyed taking pictures there so much. I even managed a dip in the river myself when it turned out the circular route we did meant we had to cross a tributary to the stream a lovely holiday moment for the weekend. I saw Dartmoor ponies here and some Jackdaws which was nice. Being at a dam was so good also as I have seen in my previous visits especially north/mid Devon ones we can learn a lot from the South West about how to use renewable energy and put it into the landscape a wind turbine was visible in the distance too. Its landscape features so good for this. I know there are other uses for the reservoir obviously. So I really saw that up close and personal it’s something that has interested me since school renewable energy use and obviously we should all be interested in so I found that great that day. This was a walk at Meldon reservoir that really allowed me to take in great views and absolutely tire myself out which is what it’s all about for me. That day I also set my record for photos produced in one day producing over 60 which I would emulate the next day and in my Norfolk and Bushy Park trips this year.

On the Sunday we did something that was a surprise idea and something we did not expect to at all this long weekend, and made the trek from where we’re staying near to Oakhampton, Devon to Cape Cornwall and Botallack in the vicinity of Land’s End in Cornwall two standout locations of our wild Cornish September 2019 holiday to see if we could see two star birds there that we did last year which I wouldn’t see anywhere else this year another of my favourites the Chough and a favourite bird B lister for me the Manx Shearwater. Since 2016 the beginning of my working life holidays particularly as well as all time off have increased in importance for me with long summer holidays and the like no longer something I can enjoy. And the lineups in each year since, particularly 2018 and 2019 although 2017 taking in locations we already know well was good too have been amazing with so many memorable trips away from home and smashing stuff happening in them wildlife and landscape dominated and mostly both. In my 2019 holidays particularly the last to Cornwall I really realised how content I was going away to different locations in my own country and doing what I love wildlife watching and photography. So places like these I took to my heart. When we left Cornwall, doing a second trip to Cape Cornwall mostly to walk the dogs before we left due to practicalities and because we loved it so much, I sort of thought I treasured these places so much and I wouldn’t see them again for another three or four years if I was lucky. I said to my Dad before coming away at the possibility of if we didn’t see a Dipper the day before which we did in the end at Fingle Bridge in Devon our main bird target, maybe crossing the Cornish border to go to Boscastle where we’ve seen them before a little bit into Cornwall that would feel strange in a good way returning to Cornwall so soon. But to actually be going to the places we were at last year right at the end of Cornwall, in this crazy rollercoaster of a year was something else.

The day started in a wild way as I saw and photographed a spider in the bath in the cottage we stayed in a similar one to one I got a memorable photo of in my en suite at home on the second May bank holiday Monday. After a nice journey there as the sun came out which felt like going to Anglesey when we stayed in Snowdonia in 2016 for scale of a big journey within time away, in which we saw lots of birds of prey like Buzzard, Kestrel and maybe a Peregrine, we got here and took in stunning views of the dramatic coast in the sun and peak purple heather everywhere and reacquainted ourselves with the beautiful place Cape Cornwall. We did the same with the wildlife, seeing scores of Gannets young and old, Fulmar, Shag, Oystercatcher, Turnstone, get intimate moments with Herring and Great Black Backed Gulls, see another Buzzard and also see a little moth and a cricket which was nice. I enjoyed nice flowers there that day too.

I also saw a decent few butterflies at Cape Cornwall in perhaps the hottest weather we had all trip. It was nice for it to be and feel so hot and sunny after a wet start in Devon for us that day. This included Small Tortoiseshell, some Common Blues and most notably a smashing view of a Wall Brown. I finally got to see one and really make out its features this year one I had had two occasions of quick and flighty and quite distant views of prior to this point in 2020. I very much enjoyed seeing this beautiful mostly coastal butterfly for us up close and I liked taking a picture of it with my big lens with its wings closed.

At this stage in the walk like the Dipper the day before we had not seen a Chough and we were rather making hard work of doing so. I joked we were chuffed to see a Dipper that day’s yesterday but were we going to dip (out) on Chough today (to those who don’t know, “dip out” is a birdwatching term to mean you have missed seeing the bird you are looking for). But I kept the same motto as the day before, we must stay positive and focused as it only took one moment for it to happen.

On the way back to the car at Cape Cornwall that day we got that moment. The one thing had concerned me compared to two visits here last September was we had not heard the distinctive call of this scarlet-billed crow at all which we had a lot here last year. The Chough is a bird you’ve really got to be hearing before you can even think about seeing one. As we walked up the hill I heard two finally, and turned around and there were two black birds flying from where the call was made. I got them in the binoculars but could not quite see their beaks properly. My Mum had just about seen the shape of them but not the red colour and thought Chough. I needed that little bit more convincing as similarly sounding Jackdaws were by the shore to the left of where we were looking moments before so could have easily rose up. They looked more right for Choughs though and we walked back in the direction of the lower reaches of the hill where we’d seen them last year. Here we managed to see them again sitting on the cliff and the pair flew frequently, but we saw their red beaks and were in no doubt now they were Choughs. We enjoyed a glorious few minutes with these precious birds we really did get so close to them, I felt very happy to see and hear them. Once again this weekend away patience had paid off. I took the sixth picture in this photoset of one of the Choughs at Cape Cornwall that day.

As bird 171 in my year it did make me happy and made my year list at that stage my third highest compared to what I had seen on this date in previous years behind 2018 and 2019 my two highest ever year lists. It also marked the first time I saw one as one of my favourite birds which was nice, I had always been fond of them throughout my birdwatching but last September after the holiday I added it to my list of favourites. There’s was only at that stage six of my current list of favourite birds I was yet to see as I mentioned in my favourite birds highlights post in this thread, six I know I have not visited any locations I could see them or are just very hard ones to see so I did very well for seeing them this year. We left Cape Cornwall once more feeling very satisfied indeed. I also enjoyed seeing more great rock samphire at Cape Cornwall that day alongside other nice flowers.

We then moved onto Botallack and had a lovely covid-secure takeaway cream tea to eat on benches I always say you have got to have a cream tea if you come to the West Country and between this and a Devonshire one waiting for us when we arrived at this cottage on the Friday we had a Devon and Cornwall one ultimately. It was amazing how the National Trust made it so safe to enjoy their facilities in terms of the pandemic I was impressed. At Botallack it started to cloud over as the weather forecast suggested but as the visit went on we saw quite a bit of the sun as well. It also looked very purple here perhaps compared to when we came last a few weeks later in the year last year into September thanks to the flowering heather. This meant three of favourite habitats were combined this weekend away, heather, coast and water flowing through a rocky valley in woods over steep gradients and three of my most beautiful places to be. It was more of the same bird wise at Botallack with Choughs delightfully seen again over the café’s area and over the sea, Jackdaws, Buzzard again showing well and a Raven seen sitting on the central chimney for a very long time which was great to see it’s always a great spot for different types of crows here. I took the seventh picture in this photoset of a nice heather and coastal view here today.

We were here mostly to try and sneak in seeing a Manx Shearwater as we did last year and my Mum and her partner has the last two years here, a bird we did not expect to see at all this year. We studied Gannets flying right to left across the sea as the day rolled on; we did wonder if we were too early to see a Manx Shearwater and we would have had more luck in September as we did all across this part of Cornwall las year. But we did just manage to see a few Manx Shearwaters flying over with the Gannets, making out their features. It was not my best ever views of this bird but it was good enough and meant I could tick them and enjoy seeing them a little. Whilst looking at the Buzzard and more Choughs it was a really nice atmosphere of arriving here and waiting until a point in early evening to see if we could see any quite magical really. The sea remained calm but perhaps the day got a little rougher and it was a weird sensation after weather at this stage after hot days being a bit cold this evening. I ended the day on 172 birds seen in 2020 something I reached in July the last two years so I am not too far behind really. I took some interesting photos of the views of the sea and cliffs through a makeshift window which stood out– a gap in the buildings of the distinctive old tin mine fixtures which define this area and make it quite charming.

I took the eighth picture in this photoset of a lowering sun behind trees visible from the cottage when we returned that evening. This ended two really packed full days away that weekend and I loved being away so much. A perfect substitution to being at the Bird Fair, what a way to spend a summer weekend it did feel so hot and summery that weekend with okay some rain in places and I felt very happy and relaxed. I saw some top-class wildlife birds especially but butterflies and flowers too alongside other things and took in some varied and breathtaking views. Meeting some great people at a safe social distance along the way! So many photos produced again possibly some of my highest amounts ever each day and so many top memories made little and big.

With these memories strongly in my mind as we prepared to return home on the Monday I took one last walk around the area the cottage was in that had three lovely lakes where we had walked on the Friday evening. Like that walk I enjoyed seeing flowers (Yellow dahlias different colour to the ones I enjoyed in our garden so much this year, foxgloves, rosebay willowherb and some other lovely orange summer flowers we saw all over the south west that weekend I believe montbretia), insects some horsefly type things and a common blue damselfly and a nice view of a Wren and Swallow before we left.

We had a bit of a disaster leaving when the roof box for our luggage on the car’s key section broke so it could not be locked. With the help and advice of some very kind people at the farm we stayed, the postman who happened to come by quite charming for a rural area and in the post office at Bridestowe a local village we managed to arrange a makeshift tie down of the box using some rope ties and some newspaper ties and parcel tape from the post office shop there. We had to be resourceful but this type of thing can be what holidays are all about in terms of memories. I took in some views of this picturesque village of Bridestowe and saw a Woodpigeon, Collated Dove, Jackdaws and House Martins whilst there. Quite an adventure.

What followed was effectively a safari through the beautiful Dartmoor National Park as it was one of those sunny and rainy days getting a fair amount of each. We took in the stunning and uniquely carved out landscape, I took pictures of it from the car and at a little stop. On the stop we saw some of the hardy Dartmoor ponies of different colours too which was great I took the ninth photo in this set of one I enjoyed this. We then arrived at a planned stopover point to have a little walk from before travelling home, Dartmeet on the banks of the dart where we’d come in 2015 another very nice river through woods habitat similar to Fingle Bridge where went on the Saturday. We walked one way through rain and sun taking in stunning views along the river and were happy to find Dart Valley nature reserve and we walked along there. I took the tenth and final picture in this photoset there.

After eating lunch in the car park area through sun and rain once more we walked the other way through a heath. More stunning views were on offer here and then the walk came alive for wildlife sightings. We saw a Sparrowhawk chasing a Swallow which noisily tried to see it off, when looking at it I noticed a lovely common lizard sat on a little rockface it gave a great view but I was not quite fast enough for a picture. I noticed loads more of the little things of nature on the walk like a lovely spider on a hard to see web that looked as though it was skating in the air to get from bit of heather to heather therefore. Bees and Beautiful Demoiselles as we had seen the other side of the river completed this. Perhaps the stage was stolen though by another of my favourite dragon and damselflies when a Golden-ringed Dragonfly flew along flying right at us and then along we got a cracking view of this. Then a Buzzard a star bird of our weekend flew over too. On the way home we drove past the beautiful Postbridge in Dartmoor in the lovely cottage we stayed in there was a homely picture of this hung up.

This made a pleasant end to the journey of this weekend away for us taking in some of the key habitat of this weekend that breathtaking river through woods over steep gradients in the land area and the Dartmoor landscape. What a fantastic weekend away we had, some of the best, most enjoyable and memorable times this summer and year for me for relaxing, walking, wildlife watching and photography. As I said we did and saw so much and I loved every minute of it well worth how excited I was for the weekend away it lived up to it well.

We had a fun moment on the way home still in Devon seeing some lovely Cattle Egrets in a field! A year tick on my birthday at WWT Slimbridge the last time we came to the West Country so this was very nice. In Dorset on the way home we went a different way to when we came we had a smashing view of some adorable Roe Deers on the roadside so the journey there and back had great points of interest.

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tintriestotell · 6 years ago

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Pagkatapos kong sumablay

It has been over a year since graduation and a lot has happened since. As my gap year comes to an end, here’s my (poor) attempt to string words together on how it went.

So, what happened after I transferred the sablay from my right shoulder to the left?

I looked around and saw wide, genuine smiles from my batch mates. It was a great run with you, PH 2013. Here’s to serving more communities, always in all ways.

I looked for my parents and I was happy to see them proud. (Yes, Ma. I saw you wipe that tear.) After the ceremony, my dad had his hands full with five bouquets, one for me and for each of my college best friends. (Thanks, Daddy.) All that followed were greetings, hugs, some tears, photos everywhere.

And then, I went home – to the people I considered family for four years in the university. The remaining days were filled with graduation parties, celebrations, beach trips, getaways, all before we had to go our separate ways. [s/o ASS(S)U]

And then, I went home – to South Cotabato. I was welcomed with open arms by my family. I went to every family gathering I could go to, to make up for all the times I wasn’t able to attend because I was in Iloilo. I swear, every birthday, debut, anniversary, wedding. Tangina, you name it, I was there.

Of course, there were –

Hugs and handshakes

“Congrats” and “so proud of you’s”

But, I wasn’t saved from all the –

Graduate ka na, kelan ka magtatrabaho?

Si *name*, hindi nga UP pero may trabaho agad

Abi ko mag-med ka?

Truthfully, I went home – to explore what Public Health has to offer. There were opportunities too great, too hard to say no to, but, unfortunately, too far from home, so I had to let them go. I was set to find work in SC so I could be closer to my family. My patience was tested as I waited in line at job fairs, applied for clerical positions, sent a ton of emails, only to get rejected because of various reasons.

Wala abi position para sa field mo, sorry.

We need experience.

Hija, we have an age requirement.

Kailangan kasi may lisensya ka para sa job na ‘to.

So, I went home – to the friends I’ve had since childhood. I had all the time to catch up with them, and celebrations were in order.

Sleepovers!

Dinner outs!

Road trips!

But, the hype... well, it’s not always there.

From celebratory toasts to drinking the pressure away

From graduation speeches to drunk conversations of what to do next

From excited phone calls at 7am to breaking down at 2am

So, every time I went home – to our small town, to the familiar comfort of our house and the people in it, I wanted rest. It felt really great to be with the ones I love most for 24 hours in a day/7 days a week, but at the same time quite weird.

/Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think it’s safe to say that I share the same sentiments with those who’ve went away for some time and went back home/

I’ve lived alone for the past four years and it has taught me to be more independent. So when I went back home, it felt unsettling that I was always being tended to, always being asked on how I was doing, and always, always being around people. How weird and at the same time wonderful, to be asked what I wanted to eat for breakfast, and to wake up and actually have breakfast on the table. I wanted rest, and I got it. But, going back home also meant going back to responsibilities, obligations, and expectations.

Hatid/sundo mo muna..

Duty ka anay palihog kay kulang staff

Ihabol pasa ang permits

Bakit ka pala hindi nag-engineer?

For quite some time, I think my parents were worried about me, along with everything that has been going on. They were wary when I told them about my change of plans during my last year in college, my decision to go back home after graduating, my constant search for something I don’t even know. I questioned my choices, reflected on my relationships with the people around me, and dreaded each passing day that I doubted myself.

Three months after graduation, I was still unemployed. Now, it might sound so petty complaining about this, but I know that I wanted to work – to serve back. I was scared; it felt like I was losing time. By then, I was starting to realize that maybe I was meant to focus somewhere else – study for an upcoming exam, help my parents out, rest. So that’s what I did– duty in the day, read concepts at night. I made plans with friends and family for the remaining months, booked plane tickets, planned trips, prepared documents, etc. It was already October, and I was driving around SC, going into offices, meeting people, passing permits, when I got a call.

“Are you employed? If not, drop by the Provincial Health Office. DOH has something for you.”

And when I thought everything was falling apart, it was actually falling into place. I was happy and scared at the same time, I felt like I was going to burst. After a serious talk with my parents, I visited the Rural Health Unit, signed the contract and started first thing Monday.

So technically, I went home – to a new one, welcomed by a new family. I was deployed in another municipality’s rural health unit.

Evaluations and presentations

Fieldwork and local health board meetings

My childhood dream is to be a doctor and admittedly, I took BS in Public Health as my pre-med course. When I was choosing which course to take for college, I realized that every course would be hard, so I might as well take one close to my heart. I remember during our first year orientation, one of our professors told us that PH is not a pre-med course. But, four years in BSPH and I knew I made the right choice. Being in UP opened my eyes to society’s realities, most especially in our healthcare. This journey led me to advocacies and opportunities that strengthened the want and need to keep PHighting for the cause. I postponed my med school plans to know more about the system firsthand. No words can ever describe how thankful I was for the opportunity that DOH-HRH gave.

I came across this quote by Mahatma Gandhi, it stated: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” I came to realize that this rang true.

However, just when I was starting to get to know the personnel and other health staff, just starting to get the hang of the job, when a whole new plot twist came my way.

Apparently, my parents wanted me to take the licensure exam. I was hesitant, of course because I was not sure if I could pass. At the same time, NMAT results were out and I needed to apply to medical schools. Some had really early deadlines. I was stuck in SC and cannot personally process my documents. My parents were bothered because we barely see each other in the house. My friends are always offering to have dinner or drive me to work and I appreciate their concern. I was juggling doing everything in my gap year that I guess it was taking a toll on me.

“Unsa man ning bataa nga ni uy, dili ka kabalo mupahuway?”

“Kath, mata mo ay, dalom na gid.”

“Uso matulog, girl.”

I was supposed to renew my contract with DOH, when my parents brought up MTLE again. It was January, and local review centers didn’t accept students anymore since the licensure exam is already on March. This was a very hard decision for me to make, but when I found a review center that opened a last section, I took the risk.

For a while, I had to go MIA – deactivated Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, the usual. Only a handful of people knew about my whereabouts. I was trying to avoid the weight, the pressure of people knowing that I was studying for the boards. As a PH grad, it was harder for me to study the Med Tech subjects. My review classmates were re-viewing the concepts while I was still just learning them. And I know studying in college was hard, but the pressure that MTLE puts on you, grabe beh. Iba. Di ako makatulog. There were assessment exams, simulated exams; I was having a difficult time processing everything because I can’t even reach the review center’s passing rate. At the same time, I was processing my med school applications, going into interviews, changing review schedules so I can work my way around both.

A few days before the MTLE, medical schools started to release the results for qualified applicants. I remember how happy I was to receive emails and see my name on lists. It was the push that I needed to get through. It felt like a thorn was removed from my chest.

During MTLE, believe it or not, I fell asleep during the second subject. Honestly, it was *that* difficult and I was uncertain if I could still pass. The next few days felt like torture as we waited for the results. But things started looking up when I got a call from my best friend, greeting me with “hello, RMT” Legit one of the happiest moments of my life.

And then, I went home – back to SC where I celebrated the victory with my family and friends. I got to visit the RHU and I remember how heartwarming it felt when they told me they were proud of me. I spent time with my family again, celebrated my dad’s 50th. My gap year was slowly coming to an end.

I went home – to UP. I can’t help but feel sentimental when I got my diploma. I personally thanked my professors for their recommendation letters, dropped by the laboratories to say hi to the staff, took photos with Oble, and walked around campus. Masaya akong pinaglaban kita, UP. Masaya akong pinili kita, PH.

It was already June when I’ve finally decided on which medical school to go to. If you asked me this time last year, I never would have imagined myself here. Let’s just say that PH reeled me in. July was filled with transition from gap year to medicine proper. I’ve traded seascapes and mountains for cityscapes and skylines. It’s something new, yet something familiar, too.

In the past year, I got to catch sunrises and chase sunsets, let myself get lost, crossed oceans, trekked mountains, met people, got to know myself more, and followed my internal compass that was pointing north. I may have taken the long way home, and the route is not always the scenic one, but it sure was worth it. I’m still scared of what the future holds, but I learned that things may not always go my way, and that’s okay.

This year, ahh this year, taught me that plans may change, but the goal remains the same.

And now, I’m going to medical school. This will be my home for the next few years, whether I like it or not. It’s funny how this universe works, but I’m happy that the road still led me to you, Public Health. Thank you for your warm welcome, ASMPH. Let’s #23iumphAsOne.

Malayong lupain, amin mang marating, di rin magbabago ang damdamin.

No matter where I go, I will never forget the lessons I learned from you, UP. You were there when my eyes were opened, when my heart was changing skin. You taught me that we are only able to achieve great things because we take risks. We are aware of the possibility that we might fail to achieve what we set out to do, but we do it anyway. You taught me that life may knock you down, and you will hit rock bottom. When that happens, the only way is up.

Pagkatapos kong sumablay, dama ko ang saya at pasa ko rin ang bigat na nasa balikat ko. The sablay is something we wear with pride, but at the same time, humility. It’s an achievement, and also a reminder of our responsibility to serve the people.

Pagsilbihan ang taong bayan, sa kahit anong paraan, sa kahit anong larangan.

#UP #sablay #ASMPH #medschool

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awhilesince · 4 years ago

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Wednesday, 30 June 1830

6 40/..

12 1/4

Fahrenheit at 7 3/4 off at 7 50/.. – fiacre from boulevard – Breakfast – Lecture 33 Brongniart from 9 to 10 35/.. Lecture 20 De Blainville from 10 48/.. to 12 20/.. – Lecture 15 from Geoffroy St. Hilaire (his son lectured 1st Time instead of him) from 12 1/2 to 1 1/2 – Monsieur Geoffroy St. Hilaire felt fatigued by his last lecture so his son (Isidore G– Geoffroy St. H– Hilaire) is to finish the cours for him – near an hour at rue St. V– Victor then fiacre from rue du Jardin du roi, and home at 2 55/.. –

wrote the following to Lady Gordon

‘my dear Lady Gordon – your plan is excellent – I should have liked it exceedingly, and should have hastened to accept the most amiable offer of marriage that surely ever was made, had I been ‘free as air’ – but ‘sight of human ties’ alarms me for next winter – the very route you make is down in my books, but various reasons oblige me to postpone it – I must be here next May – and you know how impatient I should be of such a gêne – Independence as much as you please – In this respect we should suit à merveille – I regret Exceedingly that it is not in my power to fall into your plan, and can only hope for better fortune another time – I am glad you are going into Hertfordshire, and count upon its doing you good – nothing like native air – better for you far, I trust, than even Leamington – I should have written yesterday but there was no post, not even par Estafette – I do not wait for the Embassy boy on Friday, fancying that, in the present case, you would rather pay 11d pence than wait 3 days unneccessarily – I am thinking of the Pyrennees just now, but shall not be very long away – Ever very Truly yours A Lister’ –

the above filled 2 pages of a small sized sheet – sent George off with it to the great Post Office (to go par Estafette) at 3 1/2 – to ‘Lady Gordon 34 Hertford Street London Angleterre’ – I had written the copy on Monday night and conned it over this morning –

dressed – the carriage ordered at 2 1/2 – a remise – off at 4 10/.. with my aunt – drove to Monsieur Monod’s faubourg St. Martin no. (number) 80 – feared my note was not sufficiently Explicit – Mr W– (Waterhouse) would certainly send his son to him – wished him to write to know if he had any regular vacance – the terms for maitres d’ornement, and those etc I had not named – Monsieur Monod does not perhaps overate my position in life – a shabbyish remise today, and a fiacre the last time and my friend Mr W– (Waterhouse) in grand négociant – I laughed in my sleeve – asked him if he knew anything about books for the Pyrennees – sent me to Mongie Boulevart Italien no. number 10 – bought there Voyage aux Pyrennees 1 volume 8vo (octavo) Paris 1829 – probably what they meant at Galignani’s – then various shoppings and orderings – ordered 6 pair shoes 2 pair prunelle, 2 ditto silk, 1 ditto satin 1 ditto peau de daim chez Esté – black crape hat at Madame Hautecœur’s, dresses at Madame Descantes’s – called at Meurice’s to ask for his Itinerary to the Pyrennees – he had not one – Madame Meurier just gone then – Talked him into being very civil and promising me an Itinerary naming the particularly the best hotels both by Orleans and tours direct, and by Nantes and the great sea ports to Bordeaux – ordered leather shoes at Lepoix’s and Martin the packer to come tomorrow to look at the carriage front hat-bon to see about padding it –

home at 7 1/4 – dressed – dinner at 8 – read the paper – settled accounts – wrote all the above of today, and had coffee at 10 25/.. – came to my room at 11 10/.. at which hour Fahrenheit 66° streets damp – but tho’ rainy all the way this morning from the boulevard to rue St. V– Victor and for some time afterwards yet finish day tho’ perpetually black clouds –

reference number: SH:7/ML/E/13/0058, SH:7/ML/E/13/0059

#annelistercodebreaker #annelister #junejuly1830

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amieyhko · 4 years ago

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Quarantine

7 aug 2020

As I sat across Danny oppa during my farewell-brunch, reflecting on this year of postponed plans, I told him I felt like I didn't cope and respond well to this whole situation. He said I did all I could. Though I wasn't convinced, I was comforted — it was good enough. It felt like a permission to be confused, for just a little longer. After my "Postponed" letter three months ago, Bible School stopped classes for two weeks due to soaring outbreaks. Masks in every form and shape were sold out, church services were held at home through screens, and masked acquaintances waving at me were the most confusing part of the deal.

MARCH - APRIL

Instead of scrambling up early for 8am morning prayer before class, I went to church almost everyday to pre-record and edit stay-home services. During this time, a crisis committees were formed and there was always someone editing videos at the church office. I was infinitely thankful for my investment in blue light blocking glasses and my design teachers through the ages. During this period of supposed slow-downs and postponements, everything seemed to escalate to cancellations. Though I knew deeply I needed to process and grieve, my mind hijacked my heart into thinking that indefinitely postponed events don't deserve moments of silences. It felt as if I was trying to prove my usefulness with my skills and miscalculated time.

APRIL - MAY

After Easter service and mother's day specials, Taipei City eased up. Besides, it was getting too warm for masks outside at all times — I could finally recognize some acquaintances on the streets. Trying to keep up a conversation on public transits with masks on was another learning curve. School resumed, birthday parties were celebrated, dinner hangouts ensued, and unperfect weddings were tied. As time skipped ahead, I allowed my heart to wonder if I would be ready for this brave new world. I slowly came to the agreement that changes needed to come from within — but how? This is an ongoing battle. Will I slowly breathe in the changes that need to arrive within a short time? Will I believe that I'm not the only one going through visa issues? Could I even begin to allow myself to sink into the pool of self-compassion? In the last weeks of Bible School, there was a heavy chunk of time spent dealing with emotional health and our inner child. A couple of terms were redefined and renamed, many tears were shed. It would take way too long describe it here so I posted my journal entry for you to peruse (or skim). These classes were gentle reminders to let go of my own agendas and closely listen to the heart of God.

MAY - JUNE

I will admit to my slow response time to my visa doom, but one giant brick wall of bureaucracy still existed. Even if I received a work permit, as someone on a working holiday visa (in their most familiar country), I HAVE TO be outside of Taiwan to process the working permit into a work visa to come back to Taiwan, despite COVID-19. If that last sentence was too confusing for you, don't worry. Basically, I had to leave Taiwan by the end of July — work or no work. By mid-May, hard questions had to be asked. What do I do after my year in Bible School? What do I do with my expiring visa at the end of July? Is Hungary still happening? How do I start looking for my next thing? What will I do now that everything I thought would happen, isn't happening? Why didn't I think of better ways to support myself financially? Snowballs tend to roll downhill. The worst feeling in all this confusion was this pang of settling. My mind was building up to going to Hungary on 14 June, 2020 for almost a year. That was the only plan. Now that I couldn't have it (for now), everything else felt like second-rate. I felt robbed. My visa in Taiwan was supposed to expire just in time for Hungary. Big cancellations lead to big alterations.

JUNE - JULY

I was offered a job (with a visa) that felt like absolute boredom for me. It was going to be an admin job where I knew I could put up with it and do it well, but I didn't want to say yes to it until I was fully convinced God wanted me to say yes. After four days of tears, inner-battles, tough conversations with my nearest dearests, and a quiet prayer by the sea, I could accept this job with a peacefully grateful heart. But applying for visas and having that process approved are two very related yet different stories. Usually when I tell this story of indecision and rejection, it takes about half an hour. I have boiled it down to the minimum word count (you can ring me up if you want the whole spiel). After a three week wait and a denied application, I scrambled here and there for other opportunities of work permits. It became clear to me how difficult it was for me to find a job that ticked off all criteria — usually visa was the issue. There were a couple of catches here and there, but I'll get into it when there're more concrete resolutions.

CONTINUING THEMES

Two updates ago, I mentioned how "privilege" is my word of this year. One update ago, I touched on how wor(l)ds have turned upside down. God started redefining "Privilege" for me. A June journal entry I scribbled goes like this:

"This year has been absolutely notorious for being the worst turn of the decade. Despite Rona, Racism, and Ridiculousness Everywhere, the world is still on a trajectory that almost seems normal — especially in Taipei City. The normalcy is only a vibe, though. Now, I tend to only ever talk about my life in result of COVID-19, there doesn't seem to be anything else. My life has turned upside down and I wonder where my word of 2020 went. Then I have to take a deep breath and ask God, again, what the @!%$ is he thinking (yes, I beep a lot at God, He sasses back). I have no other questions by this point even though I know I'm asking all the wrong questions. By this point, I'm frazzled, numb, furious, and invalidated all at once. I've been overusing "unfair" a lot. It takes all my attention to remind myself that privilege looks extremely different from what I imagined back in January. Privilege is Taiwan being absolutely golden in upping their preventative strategies. It is living in a city that fully functions while the rest of the world still has unbelievably soaring cases. Privilege is finishing Bible School with the classmates sweeter than most humans I've met and friends I hope to always rely on. Privilege is a church full of people celebrating, even with masks on. Privilege takes shape of friends who always have my back especially when I'm having meltdowns. [. . . . ]As this list goes on and on, it's not about what I own, but the life I've led and lead gifted by the Almighty."

As I packed my bag in preparation for my expiring visa, I wondered if I should be packing for the worst or the best. Neither. I'm treating this season like Elsa singing "Into the Unknown" (I watched Frozen 2 twice and ugly cried both times). This is not a time for me to judge my situations as bad or good but to let peace and joy that lives in me exude to every environment I am situated in. As my fourteen-day quarantine in Korea is ending, I'm reminded modern day technology is marvelous and my homes are only a text away. I think I've forgotten how to interact with physical human beings, though — I'll slowly get back on track. Let the awkwardness ensue.

#updates #quarantine #taipei #seoul #taiwan #korea #2020

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akira-seijuro · 5 years ago

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1/3 Last brain pill

I should have been something else. I could have made more days less painful for everyone. I love my family, friends more than I love myself. I can't do it. I can't love myself enough to let them go.

On 27th April, 2020, one of the anti depressants that I have been taking for over an year, is over. My doc, reduced the dosage and I think I'm finally done with it and I was so damn fucking happy. I think, for the first time in my entire life, including my childhood, I don't see myself as a victim anymore. Victim of being bullied, unfriended, heartbreak, academics and most importantly my friends and family.

This lockdown is like shit worst. I can't even imagine people being alone and trying to take care or themselves. It's nightmare. I can't even imagine myself in my pg or my hostel room anymore. I mean, sure I could have survived like I did all those years, but that chronic self care obsession would just make me let go of myself. On May 31st 2020, I'll be officially completing one year of my medication and June 2nd would be my father's first death anniversary and July 15th would be the time I probably saw my friend, for the last time, who totally instilled hope in me. I'd probably never see him again.

I could have been better. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if it was my best thinking now. I could have been more patient, a better daughter. I could have been more honest, a better friend. I could have been more kind to myself. I lived in fear for so long, I don't care about my last minute anymore. I don't am have any regrets. I tried my best. I don't like when people say 'Poor you, take care of your mum. You had to go through so much at a very young age. Everybody goes through this. Everybody dies sometime. I get it, I understand your pain.'

I think what I wanted was 'It's alright. I believe in you. We'll be ok. We will go through this shit together and finally make peace with it someday.' I did have my best friend saying that to me until January 2nd, 8.30pm. Now I don't know where he is. How he is doing. I wanted to escape my life so badly, I wanted to run away from my bitterness. But it was all inside of me. I didn't want my dad's death another thing for people to say sorry for. It means something for me. Sometimes he means everything to me. Every little piece of my existence belongs to my parents. I love them very much that I can't be this girl who went through her childhood without almost making a single friend. But yeah, teenage is shit. I changed. A lot. I became more open, accepting, strong and brave. I was never afraid to tell the truth, I used to postpone but I know I would do it anyway, I would do what feels right to me. C'mon I proposed 2 guys. It was real. The love I felt. I think being in love makes you feel that everything is possible, mostly that it deepens the hope that someday you'll be happy. Chill. Both are one sided and failures. I've never been loved or cared that way. I don't think I need to. I mean my friends wholeheartedly love me and would go almost out of their way to do anything that would make me feel better at times. I never looked for a fucking replacement of the man whom I loved the most. No body can be that man who chants my name to feel better while in pain.

Rather than hurting people. I think I scared alot of people away because of my love. I guess it's so intense and feels weird. I don't know. I've started therapy for the first time in my life on October 23rd 2016, because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't wish the person on his birthday because my existence was irksome i guess. I still don't know what it was. But yeah. It continues till April 30th 2016 while I was in college. Every week Thursday at 3pm, a counselling session. I felt more accepted and more cared for with the space I wanted there. But frankly, I started therapy because I just wanted someone to listen to me and just try to not have an opinion good or bad about my pain, but be with me while I was processing it. I went there because I thought they'd not have any choice but to listen because I paid. But it was the best thing I did in my life. My dad's illness came back again. I mean March 2nd 2012 to December 17th 2012 is not enough. I was a lid. I didn't process shit. I just believed in god blindly and performed my duties of packing, buying groceries, boarding public transportation, learning how to ride a scooty without ever having a cycle, waiting outside operation theatre, outside radiation hall, outside chemo sessions, all while preparing for my bard exams and jee mains. I just blocked it out. All the pain and emptiness. It had to come again. Being close friends with dad, his illness pushed me to the edge of depression and I was meds which he manipulated me to stop after reaching home. I would isolate myself and would be blamed for it later. I would feel guilty that the person, my best friend whomi trusted the most left me to hang dry. Actually 2 of them. Then comes the job.

But I came to Bangalore with my cousin. When I entered royal orchid for my job orientation everyone is with someone and I was all alone. Just how I entered my college. All alone from Hyderabad to Surathkal. I opened my door, saw my roommate with her family came out and cried so much for my dad. He called my cousin and then he came to see me. It's new for him as well. So I dont blame. My dad knew what I needed until he knew he was gonna die sometime soon. I suffered, wished it to end. I tried therapy and meds again but I felt its hopeless and I stopped once the side effects were horrible from July 2017. My therapist was wonderful though. I loved her. I felt like she's my friend and I didn't want to go down that lane so I stopped. Then people told me that I'm so pessimistic to think 2018 December 22nd would be my last birthday with dad. You know it's not the worst thing to imagine the worst, sometimes its callous reality. Some doctor said this. You dont know what your people want whether they want to fight on ventilator or not. But it would be nice to get to know them. My stomach turned in may so much that I thought something bad is going to happen to my dad the whole time. Once he was scared and the practical prank he pulled took a toll on me and I colored my hair blue. It became green. I wanted to cut ties with my family and friends. No body was there then, all my friends were on business trips or we had a fight. But I made a new friend who's accepting and weird. Then another new friend with whom I randomly broke out after storming out of a meeting. I guess I started developing feelings for the former one. I didnt want all that shit because I know it's not going to work out or that it won't be reciprocated. So, I didnt want that shit to make my suffering much worse. So I realized everything is so messed up and I needed help. I stuttered and stammered dude while my dad thought he was dying but didnt. I barely remember what words I spoke or repeated. Well, second time when they called, it's true. Anyway on 31st may, with all the complications I decided I might need meds because even my body is going out of control now. Then on 1st I get that call and had to dye my hair back to brown and go see him there. This time no words came out of my mouth, it's like I forgot all the languages and how to form sentences. I couldn't promise him that I'll come out of depression, so I said I'd try in my head which obviously didnt come out because, well, like I said my body wasnt under my control. Then the only thing I wanted him to know about my life is Ayushman, lets call my first love that. I dont want to name. That I love Ayushman so much but he doesn't and its ok. I called to tell him about my new friends Bhavana and Bennington, let's call second guy that. But instead it all turned out something. But once after all that agony injecting rituals and processes, I came back and the only person o wanted to see and talk was Bennington. Then I realised what I was feeling and I accepted it and felt good that while grieving, I was able to love and not feel guilty about it. True, I tried very hard, wanted to cross oceans for him. I wanted to be there for him. But then I didn't want to force it. I don't know what the fuck I did anyway. Then a lot happened, prathista entered my life and I was loved and accepted and I could feel people wanting good for me. And that's all I needed. Besides the belief thing. Some more fights with my best friend sneha, with whom I got matching tattoos.

Then my best friend, lets call him sunshine had to like go out of the world to save love. I was alone. I was a workaholic. Knowing that someone loved me gave me immense energy to work harder, to do more good. But then Voila, my mom and cancer again. God. I didnt feel that someone is inflicting pain or that I'm a victim. I felt that these things happen and its life. It's bad but it's how it went in my life. I have no control over what happens to her. Whenever I assist her or do some stuff, I keep correlating with my dad's time with cancer. It gets so confusing. Idk. I love my mum too. I grieve. I cry. For both mum, dad. Sometimes for sunshine and Bennington. But I think it's ok. It's not something to feel bad or sorry for. It's a part of my life. I am glad I was able to back to my friendships. Gowtami, Chandu, Bokade are like pillars of support for me. I realised being kind is a way to deal with the crisis. I liked the way I lived for the first time. But I'd do anything for the people I love. I'm not going to force it. I wish them all good. People keep saying I'm strong and brave explicitly. No, I was always them. They are implicit things. Thats my character. Being able to be strong, brave, vulnerable, real honest, intense and sometimes messy. Anyway 2 more brain pills to go and still more therapy sessions. They will end when they should. I am glad that this is something that I did for myself. It's my effort despite all the discouragements I've faced about it. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm so glad it has a name. I miss my dad very much right now. My mom's chicken curry too. I miss my friends.

Love,

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bigyack-com · 5 years ago

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Korean Air Providing Protective Gowns and Goggles to Cabin Crew

Wed, 22 April 2020 This week, Korean Air started providing protective gowns and goggles to all cabin crew members.

Korean Air’s cabin crews on all flights will now wear goggles in addition to masks and gloves, while protective gowns are being provided on medium and long-haul inbound flights as overseas COVID19 cases continue to increase significantly. All protective gowns, masks and gloves are discarded after the flight and personal goggles are sanitized before reuse. Korean Air describes the safety gear as "light and easy to wear". See latest Travel News, Interviews, Podcasts and other news regarding: Korean Air. Subscribe to our Latest Travel News Daily Email Free of Charge by simply entering your email address to the right. You can also receive the daily news service by WhatsApp, stay updated with our RSS Feed

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insane-hamilton-imagines-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Meeting You (King George III x Reader)

Requested By: Anonymous

Summary: Song-fic based off of “This Is My Idea” from the movie The Swan Princess. For as long as you can remember, your parents forced you to spend time with your future husband, even though you couldn’t stand each other. Throughout the years you both mature, does your relationship?

Warnings: None!

Time Period: Pre-Hamiltime? (It takes place during King George’s life, but it doesn’t have to do with the American Revolution.)

Words: 1983

A/N: Two stories in two days?? Wow, go me!! Anyway, this has been siting in my drafts for a while and I’m finally happy with it. This was super fun to write because I love King George and there aren’t enough reader insert stories about him. Like I said, the inspiration and many lyrics are from The Swan Princess movie. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy and have a fabulous day!!

From a young age, you had been betrothed to George. Before you were even born, your parents had come up with the arrangement that you and George would marry as a way to strengthen your countries.

Every summer, you would be pulled from your home and sail to England. The idea was for you and George to spend time together so you would love each other by the time you were to be married.

There were four of these summers that stood out in your mind when you thought about how you met George.

The first memory was the first time you had ever visited him. You had been told by your parents that you would sailing to England to meet a very important boy who was only a year older than you. At first, the idea excited you. There would be another child to play, even if he was a boy. At the young age of 6, there weren’t many people to play with, seeing as you had no brothers or sisters and the thought of playing with a servant child was unimaginable.

After a long, boring journey, your parents guided you to the castle where you were to meet the King and Queen of England along with their son. The trio stood waiting for you, looking regal, and suddenly you got shy. Hiding behind your parents, you protested as they pushed you forward. George’s parents did the same.

“I’m very pleased to meet you, Princes (y/n).” he grumbled.

You went to curtesy just as you had been taught and automatically replied, “Pleased to meet you, Prince George.” However, when you looked up George had turned away from you in a rude manner.

His mother gave him a sharp look and pointed towards you. Begrudgingly, he dramatically stomped to you and looked at your suspiciously. You glared at him before he kissed your hand and instantly pulled away with a “Yuck!”

The first thought you had was not very kind of Prince George, and you could tell that you would never like him, much less love him enough to marry him. “He looks conceited, what a total bummer.”

Both of you turned to your parents and mumbled together, “If I get lucky I’ll get chicken pox.”

After receiving stern looks from both Kings and Queens, you rolled your eyes before turning back to George with the fakest smile you could muster.

“So happy you could come.” he bowed, mockingly.

“So happy to be here.” you curtsied, but put no respect in it.

At the same time, you both crossed your arms and complained. “This is not my idea of fun!”

The rest of the summer was spent fighting with George. Since your parents wanted you two to get along, they believed the best way to do this was for you to spend every day, with him. For some reason, they were oblivious to the feud you and George had.

That summer was one of the longest summers ever. When you finally got on the boat to head home, you were relieved you wouldn’t have to see that boy for almost another year.

The second summer that stood out in your mind was when you were eleven and George was twelve. That past year, you had discarded the dress laid out for you, instead opting to wear pants and a tunic shirt much to the dismay of your parents.

You tried you hardest to tell your parents they had to postpone the voyage, but they wouldn’t buy any of it. They escorted you on the boat and had a trunk thrown together, all in a matter of ten minutes.

Once you arrived in England, you were greeted by the usual; George, the King of England, and the Queen. However, this year, George’s annoying friend, Samuel Seabury, was with him. All summer, they never let you join in their games.

Anytime you tried to play whatever game they were playing, they would run off to their “secret’ treehouse. About halfway through your stay, you had enough. You chased them throughout the castle, trying to force them to play with you. “Wait up guys!” you cried after them, frustrated that they wouldn’t slow down.

Disappearing out of sight, you almost gave up hope, but luckily you managed to track them down. Now only a few yards behind them, you thought you could catch up. Unfortunately, they reached the treehouse, climbed the ladder, and took away the ladder before you could put a foot on it. On top of that, they hung a sign on the wall that read, ‘NO GIRLS ALLOWED!’

“This really isn’t fair.” you whined, crossing your arms with a pout on your face.

Instead of apologizing, they laughed and said in unison. “We really couldn’t care.”

“Boys it’s all or none!” you thought.

Taking a step to the supporting boards, you kicked one out of anger. Not expecting to cause any damage, you were surprised and horrified to see that kicking that one little board out of place sent the entire structure tumbling.

That summer you got to leave early, but you left with a bruised face and broken arm, and livid parents.

The third summer with George that stood out in your mind was when you were seventeen and he was eighteen. You had finally grown out of your “awkward phase,” and felt beautiful and confident. Your confidence soared even higher that summer when you caught George staring at you a bit too long when you first arrived.

However, if you were being completely honest, you were equally as guilty. Some might have said that you had developed a crush on the future King of England, but that was not true. Although he looked quite handsome, he was still that annoying boy who had never treated you kindly.

The day pigs flew would be the day you had a crush on George.

However, that was the first summer that was different then the rest. In your mind, it didn’t feel like a terrible time. First, you were able to convince George to do what you wanted more easily. Gone were the days where you were running to catch up with him and Samuel. Second, you began to talk to more people in the castle, including the castle gaurds. It was fun just being able to flirt with them, laughing at what they said, leaving your hand on their shoulder for too long, etc, even if it didn’t mean much.

“She’s always flirting with the castle gaurds!” George complained as he and Thomas watched you from afar. That particular day, you were feeling extra flirty. Your arm was lingering on the guard’s shoulder a bit to long and the way you batted your eyes could make any man weak in the knees.

“You’re just jealous because you like her. Fess up.” Samuel teased, elbowing George in the side.

George’s head whipped around as he glared at Samuel, daring him to say another word. Although he would never admit it, George had began to harbor a crush on you. You weren’t the whiny six year old you once were and you most certainty weren’t the boyish eleven year old he had once known, but you were still the annoying girl he didn’t want to marry.

Right?

“I’d like her better if she’d lose at cards.” George countered, still upset over the fact that you always won.

You even won when they boys were cheating. Samuel would stand behind you and glance over your shoulder, mouthing the card numbers to George. When the game came to an end, George laid down his cards quite smugly, prepared to gloat over his victory.

“Four sevens and a ten.”

“I think I won again.” you stated, laying down the cards you had collected on the table.

And even though Samuel had seen your numbers, you had seem to win. Again! The boys could never catch a break.

“This is my idea.” you began, returning George’s smug smile.

“This isn’t my idea.” they pouted.

“Of fun.” all three of you spoke at the same time.

The last summer that stood out in your mind was when you were 20 and George was 21.

For as far back as you could remember, your parents had constantly reminded you that you and George were to someday wed. Every June through September, they would force you to spend time with the boy who you didn’t even like.

You wanted to be in a marriage that was based on love, not politics, and you knew that was something that you could never achieve with George. Even though you tried to explain this to your parents, they acted like they couldn’t hear you.

There would be times that you would beg and plead with them, or even refuse to leave the carriage. If this ever happened, your parents would pick you and drag you to where George was. It felt like their were bruises from their fingerprints.

You could feel the pressure for you and George to marry greater then it ever had been. You knew you were almost passed the acceptable age of not being married, and your parents wanted you to be well off.

When they shoved you in the ball room, you crossed your arms and tried to reason with them. “He is so immature!”

The sound of another door closing on the opposite side of the room caught your attention. You turned and saw that George was standing there, and your knees were buckling slightly. He had grown so incredibly handsome and something about him seemed different.

You could understand why, but some switch inside you flipped and you could see all the great qualities George had in him. He was kind, caring, intelligent, witty, and charming. He was the man you had been dreaming of.

The way he stared at you, made you blush. Unknown to you, he was having similar thoughts of seeing you in a brand new light. While he may of thought you weren’t the prettiest when you were younger, looking at you know you were like an angel.

As if his eyes were finally clear, he saw your beauty, grace, poise, elegance, kindness, humbleness, intelligent, and humor. All of the wonderful characteristics drew him towards you, meeting you half way in the room.

“So happy to be here.” you curtsied, just like at the age of six, but now you meant in with all of your being.

“’Till now I never knew.” he whispered, bowing to you.

“It’s you I’ve been dreaming of.” you both spoke, inching closer and closer to each other until you were mere inches away.

He cupped your cheek in his hand and brought his lips on top of yours. Almost as if a spark had been lit, you felt fireworks booming in your chest as you wrapped your arms around George, pulling him closer to you.

When the two of you finally pulled apart, you couldn’t help the smiles that adorned your faces. You had finally found your soulmate, and he had been standing in front of you your entire life.

“And that is how your mommy and I feel in love.” George spoke lovingly to the bump that was your stomach, rubbing it softly.

You could feel soft kicks from the baby growing inside of you, and you smiled down at the sight of your husband connecting with your unborn child. “I think she liked the story.” you giggled, running a hand lovingly through his hair.

“She?” he questioned, looking up at you with a goofy grin on his face.

“Well I’m not sure, but I think it’s mother’s intuition.” you admitted.

“I love you so much, my little princess.” George whispered, pressing a small kiss to your belly. “And I love you so much, my queen.” he whispered in your ear, pressing a kiss to your lips.

#king george III #king george iii imagine #king george iii x reader #jonathan groff imagine #johnathan groff x reader #hamilton imagine #hamilton x reader #hamilsquad x reader #hamilsquad imagine #the swan princess #derek and odette #song fic #alexander hamilton x reader

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nerdcorp · 8 years ago

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Pro Wrestling News: Talents Pulled From Bookings for Royal Rumble, Top Stars Done With AAA

Top Talents from the UK Tournament Pulled - The WWE has apparently called into work Tyler Bate, Trent Seven and Pete Dunne. The three were working or were set to work in the German promotion Westside Xtreme Wrestling and were all pulled from their bookings only a week in advance. The promotion was left scrambling to fill the slots. This again shows the lack of respect the WWE has for indy promotions, as they said that they wouldn’t restrict where talents who competed in the UK Tournament worked. If you actually believed that the WWE wanted to do right by the wrestling business, I have some time shares i want to sell you.

Top Name in the Rumble? - The WWE seems to be making a play for a big star studded Royal Rumble cast, which isn’t that surprising considering the lack of names in the match itself. Kurt Angle apparently pulled out of his commentary duties in Scotland for this upcoming weekend, and with the news that he’s going to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, this isn’t too much of a stretch to assume he’d show up at the Royal Rumble. While it seems unlikely he returns to even a part-time schedule in the WWE, the Royal Rumble is the one match that offers up the prospects of him returning to compete, as everyone from a crippled (and real-life-murderer) Jimmy Snuka to Hacksaw Jim Duggan have popped up in said match, well beyond their expiration date as regular competitors.

AAA in Trouble? - Trivia Question: Which North American promotion is considered to be the poorest ran pro wrestling company over the last five years? Answer: If You said TNA, you clearly don’t know about AAA.

Ever since Lucha Underground opened up, both L-U and AAA have been struggling. While TNA was late on pay, AAA has flat out NOT paid many of their talents. At one point AAA featured Mistico/Sin Cara I, who was the biggest draw in Mexico in decades, Alberto El Patron and Rey Mysterio. All three were signed in 2013-2014, just months apart. By late 2016, all three were gone and refusing to work for the promotion. Mysterio is still technically under contract with them, or was at a point, but due to not being paid, has essentially left the company.

The last few months especially have been hard on the legendary Mexican promotion, as Sexy Star, Konnan, Jack Evans and Fenix, have left the promotion. Considering the popularity of Sexy Star by herself, this was a huge blow. But now you can add Daga, Hector Garza Jr and L-U mega star Pentagon Jr to the list as well.

To put it in a way most of you American fans can grasp, Garza Jr to AAA is like Charlotte Flair to WWE, if it was still WCW and this was 2001. A loss like that just wouldn’t be acceptable to a promotion with legacy. Daga is basically Mexico’s Hideo Itami or Finn Balor (but maybe not as good), and Pentagon Jr is their John Cena, and New Day, and AJ Styles rolled into one, for company merchandise sales. He’s stupid popular.

They lost all three. Kevin Sullivan from 2000 thinks this is a big loss to a company. The three went to The Crash, which is an up and coming promotion in Mexico that’s been around for about five years. Konnan is apparently running this promotion now, after running AAA for a while prior. The three are now part of the Los Perros Del Mal (Evil Dogs) stable, which was started by the late Perro Aguayo Jr (El Hijo del Perro Aguayo). The group has seen names like Lucha Underground’s Taya, Ivellise, Blue Demon and Texano, as well as legendary Luchadores, Hector Garza Sr, L.A. Park, and Shocker all take up the banner.

To further compound the issue, Lucha Underground is stretching their contracts with talents out even longer than necessary by postponing any more episodes from being aired until the summer. Many L-U talents want out of their contracts, as they’ve become big properties with online wrestling fans, and could translate that momentum elsewhere. Pentagon has another three seasons on his deal, which means he could be there for almost five more years depending on how L-U structures their shows. We’ll be into next winter before we see things that were taped last year finally air on television.

Rey Mysterio also has one more season left on his deal. I’ve heard most talents have it written in that they’re not technically free from their obligations until all of their content has aired as well. Which means if Mysteiro films the next season in June, he may be at Lucha Underground’s whims until all of his material airs. While the content has been good, at least in the ring, L-U and AAA’s baby seems to be more hazardous than necessary. Many people I’ve spoken with even said the issue isn’t the taping schedule, but the fact they never know when tapings will occur and the lack of house shows to help generate income. If L-U did start doing house shows, this may help matters but apparently the company has lost more money since the show debuted, than TNA has in its 15 years in business.

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dustinczarny · 5 years ago

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Sunday thoughts: Everything you need to know about absentee voting in New York in 2020

Throughout Onondaga County and most of New York state absentee ballot applications are hitting about 5 million voter’s mailboxes. This is the first time in New York State electoral history that voters will be getting this type of outreach. It is Governor Cuomo’s response to the COVID-19 epidemic and an attempt to make voting safer. Voters have been mailed an application, a postage paid return envelope, and reasons for applying have expanded.

This is my third Sunday in a row I have spent time talking about absentee voting and voting by mail. Since March 23rd each week has brought new changes to our electoral system in New York as the Governor, legislature, and State Board of elections adapts to the ongoing health crisis. There have been executive orders, regulations, guidance, and clarifications each week. However with 36 days to go until the election it seems as if we finally have agreement on what the rules are for the June 23rd election in regards to absentee voting.

Here is what is happening with absentee voting in New York for the June elections:

Expanded reasons for voting absentee

As we have discussed in previous articles, New York requires an excuse for voting by absentee. The six excuses generally allowed are Out of County on Election Day, Permanent illness or disability, Temporary Illness or disability, incarceration, primary care for someone who is ill or disabled, patient or employee of a Veteran’s Health Administration Hospital. Governor Cuomo has clarified for the June 23rd elections that fear of COVID-19 is acceptable under the temporary illness excuse. This opens up absentees to any voter who wants one this election. It should be noted that this is not acceptable, as of now, for the November elections though certainly there could be further executive orders and legislation between now and then.

Multiple ways to apply

Traditionally voters had to mail, fax, or apply for an absentee ballot in person at a Board of Elections. These options are still available, however Governor Cuomo by executive order has expanded the options for the June primary. You can now apply online by email or electronic forms or by phone. Onondaga County voters can visit onvote.net or call 315-435-VOTE. In addition to those options applications with postage paid return envelopes are being mailed to all eligible voters and hitting mailboxes now. Don’t wait to apply as we still have to mail a ballot to you. Expanded options are only good for the June primary and you cannot apply for the November election using those options. We have already received record absentee requests, and that is before the mass mailing hitting this week. Do not wait, apply today. Applications must be postmarked on June 16th or before to guarantee a BOE will mail the ballot to you.

Permanent and other requests still allowed for June and November

You can still apply for an absentee for the November election under the traditional excuses, but you cannot make that application by phone, email, or electronic method. If you want to change your status to Permanent Illness or disability you can do so by taking advantage of the absentee mailer that is going out and returning it and you will always receive an absentee ballot for every election. If you are going to be out of the county or have a temporary illness or other statutorily valid reason you can do but must mail in the application on your own or apply in person.

Absentee Ballots will be mailed upon request, must be postmarked by June 22nd.

Upon receiving an application the Board of Election will process and mail out a ballot to the address the voter requests, usually within one day. It is important you apply as soon as possible as Boards are likely to face an unprecedented amount of requests. Once you get your ballot fill it out and return it as soon as possible. Ballots must be postmarked by June 22nd to be valid. If you are ready to vote there is no need to delay as you can request another ballot or vote in person if you change your mind closer to Election Day.

You may have been mailed multiple absentee ballots due to the combining of Elections

The combining of elections for Democrats may cause you to have been mailed multiple ballots. If you applied for an absentee before March 23rd you may have already received a Presidential Absentee Ballot. This election was postponed and now is being held concurrently with the Local (Congressional & City Court) primaries. All voters who applied for the original April 28th primary will now receive an absentee ballot envelope with both Presidential and local ballots in it. This takes the place of your original ballot, fill them out and return them. (If an original ballot is returned and not replaces it will count for the Presidential Election only). City of Syracuse voters who already received an absentee ballot may be issued another one this week as a candidate that was removed from the ballot has been restored. If you already submitted a ballot that will be counted unless you submit a new ballot and the newer ballot will then count. Voters in the NY 50 Senate district may have received a Special Election ballot before March 23rd. That ballot is now null and void as that election has been cancelled.

There still will be In Person Voting options

In Onondaga County we plan to open 6 in person Early Voting sites and over 150 in person Election Day sites. The Early Voting sites are designed to allow any voter from any part of the county to be able to vote when they show up that day. We have Early Voting sites in the North and south side of the City of Syracuse as well as North, South, East, and West areas of the county. Hours of Early Voting are 10-3 on weekends and either 106 or 12-8 on weekdays. On Election Day our polling sites will be open from 6am to 9pm. We are working with our county health department to provide PPE and sanitizing equipment to all sites and are dedicated to maintaining social distancing and a safe as possible voting environment. Visit onvote.net to get information on the Early Voting center nearest you and your polling location.

Absentee Ballots won’t be counted until 7-10 days after Election Day

It is important to remember that with more absentee ballots being processed, the less likely we will have a definitive winner on Election Night. Because a voter can change their mind and decide to vote in person and we have until 7 days after Election Day to receive a ballot Boards of Elections can’t even open absentee ballots until after voter history is processed and enough time is given to receive absentee ballots turned in on Election Day or being delivered by US mail. These means absentee ballot openings are usually not until 7-10 days after Election Day. Absentee ballot opening are supervised by the candidates (if they wish) and held every year regardless of proximity of results. They are then combined with our Election Day results and make up our certification of an Election done 14-20 days after Election Day. This certification is the official declaration of a winner and nothing is official until the results are signed off on both Elections Commissioners.

Finally it is important that you as a voter help us get proper information out to your friends and family. This is one of the more confusing elections due to the changing dates and rules I have ever administered. Make sure you only get information from your Board of Election sources and share only accurate information. As always in Onondaga County you can find reliable information at onvote.net or by calling our office at 315-435-VOTE.

#elections #absentee ballot #absentee voting

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gordonwilliamsweb · 5 years ago

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California To Widen Pipeline Of Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners

Jane Gunter, a nurse practitioner in Tuolumne County, California, has long wanted to specialize in mental health so she can treat patients who have anxiety, depression and more complicated mental illnesses.

Her county, a rural outpost in the Sierra Nevada foothills with a population of about 54,000, has only five psychiatrists — “a huge shortage,” she said.

But Gunter, 56, wasn’t about to quit her job at the Me-Wuk Indian Health Center in Tuolumne and relocate to some distant campus for two years to get certified as a psychiatric nurse practitioner.

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Then, in February, she learned that the University of California was launching a new program to provide that certification online in just one year. She fired off her application, and last month she received an acceptance letter.

“Sometimes I think, ‘What are you doing?’” Gunter said, referring to the online classes that will take over her nights and weekends once the program starts. “But I care about the community.”

The online certification program, conducted jointly by the nursing schools at the University of California-San Francisco, UCLA and UC-Davis, was scheduled to start in the fall, but it has been postponed until January because the on-site clinical hours required as part of the training are not possible during the COVID-19 shutdown.

Despite the delay, the potential expansion of psychiatric care is opportune given the expected increase in mental health problems due to the social isolation and financial stress stemming from the pandemic.

The need for more mental health nurses is about to be bigger than ever, said E. Alison Holman, a health psychologist at UC-Irvine who studies emotional responses to collective trauma.

“We now have 30 million Americans who have lost their jobs, who have no income — and how are they going to pay rent? How are they going to buy food?” Holman said. “And then you have to stay home. This event is rolling out like a long, chronic stressor.”

Even before the current crisis, California faced a serious shortage of mental health professionals, especially in rural areas. California’s psychiatrists and psychologists are approaching retirement age in large numbers, and fewer medical students are choosing psychiatry.

A UCSF study projected that the state would have 41% fewer psychiatrists than needed by 2028. More than half of Californians with mental illness receive no treatment, according to a February 2019 report by the California Future Health Workforce Commission.

UC’s online mental health nurse practitioner program is one of the solutions recommended by the commission, a statewide, multisector panel that created a master plan to address the Golden State’s shortage of health care workers.

The program is expected to put 300 more mental health NPs into California communities, particularly rural ones, over the next five years. Applicants such as Gunter, who live in underserved rural areas, will be given priority in the hope that they will stay in their communities upon completion of the training, said Deborah Johnson, a UCSF nursing professor who is co-director of the program.

Forty spots are available for the class that begins in January, and not all have been filled yet, Johnson said. Applications are being accepted until June 1, and 65 additional spots will open in fall 2021 and each fall thereafter for three more years, she said.

The UC system received a $1.5 million grant from the California Health Care Foundation to develop, design and launch it. But tuition is expected to make it self-sustaining. (Kaiser Health News, which produces California Healthline, is an editorially independent publication of the foundation.)

Applicants for the new program must already be advanced practice nurses, which means they hold either a master’s degree or doctorate in nursing. More than 27,000 NPs now practice in California, but only 1,200 are certified to treat psychiatric patients.

Three hundred more psychiatric NPs won’t completely fill the growing mental health care need, but they are expected to treat nearly 400,000 patients over a five-year period.

Though the online program means working nurses won’t have to leave their jobs and their lives to relocate, they will still face challenges.

For one thing, their certification will require 500 hours of supervised clinical training with patients in hospitals, jails or schools. And some applicants live in communities where such opportunities may not be available, which could require them to commute long distances to meet the requirement.

Another challenge is that, even after nurse practitioners are certified, state law requires they find a medical doctor to supervise them. Havilyn Kern, a school nurse in Nevada City, California, quit her job two years ago so she could spend three days a week at UCSF — 155 miles away — to train as a psychiatric nurse practitioner.

She graduates in June, so the new online program is too late for her. Kern, who plans to work in her own community, hopes she will find a psychiatrist in the Bay Area willing to tele-supervise her.

“It shouldn’t have to be this way,” said program co-director Johnson. “California is so archaic. It’s the most restrictive state in the western portion of the country.”

Twenty-eight states plus Washington, D.C., allow nurse practitioners to work autonomously. Santa Rosa Assembly member Jim Wood, a Democrat, has introduced a bill, AB-890, that would allow California NPs to practice without doctor supervision. It passed the Assembly in January and is pending in the Senate.

“If AB 890 passes, it will certainly help fill the loss of specialty physicians such as psychiatrists everywhere, including in underserved areas,” Wood said.

But that’s a big “if.”

California’s powerful doctors’ lobby, which has repeatedly scuttled similar legislation, is aggressively fighting it again. They argue that letting NPs order tests and prescribe medications independently would “dilute care.”

Doctors also have a financial incentive to keep things the way they are. It restricts competition, and they bill NPs between $5,000 and $15,000 a year to review their charts and prescriptions every few months, according to a report by the California Health Care Foundation and UCSF.

Johnson suggested it is time for a change.

“We are the workhorses,” she said. “Oh, my God, there is so much need. This new program could not come at a more important time.”

This KHN story first published on California Healthline, a service of the California Health Care Foundation.

California To Widen Pipeline Of Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

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stephenmccull · 5 years ago

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California To Widen Pipeline Of Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners

Her county, a rural outpost in the Sierra Nevada foothills with a population of about 54,000, has only five psychiatrists — “a huge shortage,” she said.

But Gunter, 56, wasn’t about to quit her job at the Me-Wuk Indian Health Center in Tuolumne and relocate to some distant campus for two years to get certified as a psychiatric nurse practitioner.

Email Sign-Up

Subscribe to KHN’s free Morning Briefing.

Please confirm your email address below:

The need for more mental health nurses is about to be bigger than ever, said E. Alison Holman, a health psychologist at UC-Irvine who studies emotional responses to collective trauma.

Three hundred more psychiatric NPs won’t completely fill the growing mental health care need, but they are expected to treat nearly 400,000 patients over a five-year period.

Though the online program means working nurses won’t have to leave their jobs and their lives to relocate, they will still face challenges.

She graduates in June, so the new online program is too late for her. Kern, who plans to work in her own community, hopes she will find a psychiatrist in the Bay Area willing to tele-supervise her.

“It shouldn’t have to be this way,” said program co-director Johnson. “California is so archaic. It’s the most restrictive state in the western portion of the country.”

“If AB 890 passes, it will certainly help fill the loss of specialty physicians such as psychiatrists everywhere, including in underserved areas,” Wood said.

But that’s a big “if.”

Johnson suggested it is time for a change.

“We are the workhorses,” she said. “Oh, my God, there is so much need. This new program could not come at a more important time.”

This KHN story first published on California Healthline, a service of the California Health Care Foundation.

California To Widen Pipeline Of Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

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