#i believe that im never seeing them pearly gates after this

[livvy-fallen]

I have noticed on Tulmbr or any site for that matter there are very little obey me! demon headcaanons that actually make demons act like animals! I will not stand for this! I will be getting my fix of animalistic demons one way or another soooo let me tell you about my demon headcaanons.

Warning: this book has suggestive content and weird headcannons.

Let's get one thing clear first demons are pact animals. They live in large groups and are VERY protective over their families. This is because demons are protective over something that is, theirs. So this also translates to members of the family. So when it comes to the demon brothers in the early lessons can you imagine how HEARTBREAKING it was to have belphegor away? Especially because he was the youngest and therefore the weakest and hence in need of more protection. To have their baby brother away in the human realm (well to them... But he was just in the attic). For all they know he could be in danger! And as far as Beel was concerned his beloved twin could not be eating enough and of he isn't eating enough he is weaker... And if he isn't strong as he could be he could be hurting and he isn't there! "LUCIFER! please send him back he could be in danger!" - Beelzebub a day into the exchange program

Also this leds onto another point. SCENT. If your fimilar with... The dark side of Ao3, wattpad and Tulmbr (Omegavers) you probably get what I mean. But just in case you don't have issues. Animals have scent glads in their body. This marks what is their's now this translates to our favorite demons because they also have that. Meaning if they rubbed their wrist, cheek or like you know that part of your neck where it starts your chest? (Actually is that the collarbone? No clue) well that too. That has the most active scent glads. It will leave a smell that says to other demons that that thing is their's and if you mess with it. Except death.

Soo just imagine in Beelzebub's and Belphegor's room obviously is going to be full of their scent. But of course with belphi not there. It's going to fade isn't it? So that also makes beel upset. Because yes he KNOWS not actually? He was like in the attic Belphi is in the human realm apart of his brain is crying because his brother scent isn't where it should be so he's not there? Where is he? Is he safe? Is he eating? "LUCIFER! please send him back he could be in danger!" - Beelzebub 9 days into the exchange program. So that is also why he didn't want MC to be getting their "weird" smell on Belphi's bed when they had to share a room. Because it's already fading and he doesn't want it to go any faster!

Alsoo speaking about scents... Let's talk about heat/runts and their courting behaviors because omegavers is definitely influenced my life.

So like ever month or so demons go into heat and runts just like how girls get their period. During this they are wanting to breed. They also are very uncomfortable and boiling hot. So of course how does this effect them? So pretty much their scent glads produce a different scent that just says "I'm available please fuck me" this also gives them hard baby fever. You know how like penguins are fighting over baby penguins? THATT. If you were to for what ever reason bring luke anywhere near them they will SMOTHER that poor boy. Because all that they can see is; small thing. Small person. Small child? child?! That's it! PROTECT THAT MF-. They are never nicer to him then when broody.

Let's talk about courting behaviors. Because I refuse to believe that they don't do it. So let's just start off with that courting is a thing to start a relationship. It's flirting but better? So for demons they often do things like giffting them many stuff of their interest traditionally they would give them a dead human or hard to kill monster... Some still do that- looking at you Nobel demons- but like jewelry anything really that their courted would like. It could be stickers! Then we get to the services part. They would do something simple like holding a door open or like helping them with Manuel labor. It doesn't matter but they do acts of service for them. Later on if all is going well you get to scent them. It just yells "their mine fuckers" and then dating. Another thing I refuse to believe they don't do is presenting... Not in the face down, ass up way. But in the wings out, tails out. I'm also you best believe that pride demons are just like peacocks and shake their wings AWWW so cute. Just imagine Lucifer doing this-

More one this, greed demons. Crows or Ravens. Come at me. So they coo at their courted- and later on they nuzzle them MY HEART IS MELTING. IMAGINE MAMMON, a normal thing is for winged is to just puff out their wings and to totally do a mating call. This goes for ALL. Maybe it's not a full on song. (Sometimes it will be) but a little noise that translate to *looks at a book labeled "is your demon horny or just wanting to kill you?" Flipes several pages* wanna fuck?

I will be writing more. And maybe explain better if y'all want more of my weird hadcaonns but enjoy. But if you want more let me know!

[oh-katsuki]

cw: christianity and catholicism, mentions of suicide, im honestly just talking abt the christian church’s stance on suicide because I honestly cannot fathom it

anyway don’t read this if ur not interested in me talking abt this. it’s rly quite boring but I had a thought in the shower that reminded me of this so… ya know

i wanna preface this by saying that I mean no disrespect to those who practice or following christianity or catholicism. im not trying to shit on anyones religion bc I am a firm believer in practicing what you practice. I’m just kind of thinking out loud here. I’m also aware that this might not be true in all of the different branches of christianity, but it is true in the branches that I have experienced and grew up in. so please… ya know keep that in mind.

so for those of you who don’t know, I was raised catholic and attended catholic schools all the way until high school. now like… setting aside the trauma of being young and queer in spaces where being queer was expressly not allowed, what really turned me away from the religion in my adult years is probably the church’s stance on suicide and the casual cruelty inherent in the structure of the church.

I’m a pretty open-minded person when it comes to spiritual things. i want to believe in the existence of a higher power out there who is looking out for me and my loved ones and the beings on earth. i truly want to believe that I’ll be able to see my loved ones even after they have gone. the idea of life after death is very appealing to me.

ive done my own personal research into religion as a whole, including the concept of spirituality which has always really appealed to me. that being said, having growing up around catholicism and christianity, it was always something that was within reach and at the back of my mind just by way of exposure.

still (and setting aside the other CLEAR problems with those particular religions), what keeps me from fully embracing that religion is the stance the followers of jesus (and I say this to include most religions who believe jesus was the son of god) have on those who commit suicide. for those of you who don’t know, christians and catholics believe that someone who commits suicide doesn’t go to heaven because they destroyed a creation of god.

i have never, in all of my 20 years, been able to reconcile the anger and injustice that stance makes me feel. every time i think I’m getting closer to that religion, I am painfully reminded that they worship a god who does not welcome some of his deepest sufferers into his realm. i cannot fathom that stance.

it’s always been a huge thing keeping me from further exploring christianity (because I have no interest nor belief in the catholic church). speaking from the perspective of those who carry those beliefs, god creates and loves all of his people. he cares for them as he would children and under his protection we are meant to thrive. i have never been able to reconcile following a god who willingly (according to the beliefs of many christians) gives the children he loves so dearly tests that would drive them to feel like they don’t want to be alive, only to deprive them of the heaven promised because they could not withstand them.

a lot of christians believe that hardships in their lives are because god has given them something to overcome. they also believe that someone could be the most devout follower of Jesus and be denied entry into the pearly gates because they committed suicide. i cannot reconcile those facts side by side.

there is something so incredibly cruel about a group of people following the ideology that debilitating mental illness to the point of suicide is a test given by god and that failure to survive means spending eternity in hell. there is something so cruel about humans looking at those who’ve passed on by way of suicide and believing that their god would not welcome them and comfort them.

i cannot understand or fathom that. i cannot fathom wanting to be a part of a community of people that believes that. i have never been able to understand believing a god who doesn’t offer peace to those struggling the most.

and I’ve never been able to understand it. as someone who has been in that position around the time I was being given a catholic education, it was harrowing to think that the god that was supposed to love me wouldn’t offer me comfort or solace because I had suicidal thoughts that I couldn’t control. it was absolutely and truly terrifying to believe that god was willing to abandon those suffering so deeply that they would override the human instinct to survive.

the draw of christianity (and I say christianity even though many religions have this same goal because the religious belief I’m talking about specifically refers to christianity) is that you find peace with god. it is that you find a support and love you would not have found elsewhere. the idea that the very same god who promises to love all of his children as equals would deny eternal peace to someone who suffered so deeply in life, is truly and deeply harrowing to me.

it has and I think it will always keep me from truly considering and being open-minded about christianity. i cant understand where that type of self righteous cruelty from a community that claims to be compassionate comes from.

[mxvladdy]

Diavolo- True Form

Whoooooooo weeeee! ‘Pologies for the wait on these longer posts. I’ve been hit with a one two punch of house emergencies and sudden costly ass repairs, so my creative juices have been rightly squashed as of late.

Plus side I got my drawing tablet and drafting table back so I can neaten up my blog lay out now (yay!) 

Anyway this one was a challenge in the best possible ways. I really like Diavolo because of how little we know about him so it gave me some wiggle room. Or at least what I know of him- im only on like chapter 23 of the stories. Idk if I did him justice as this is angsty af but I sure had a blast writing it!

Hope ya like! Next up: Beelzebub 

Trigger warning: Mention of blood, and swearing. 

Diavolo-

He'll never show you, so don't ask. His true form is god-like in its own right and such knowledge, such truly raw demonic power in its natural form is not for your mortal eyes.

No matter what your lineage, it would break you. And despite his roles and being the literal devil, he doesn’t want you suffering.

Sometimes when he thinks you wouldn't notice he relaxes his hold on reality, just a fraction. He wants to relieve some of the tension that is always building just below the surface. Like closing your eyes when you have a tension headache. The mental energy he has to exert to keep face is enormous. Regular glamour doesn’t work nearly as well as his own, or Barbato’s magic.

But you see hints during your downtime spent in his company. A ripple in his reflection on the window pane. Unexplainable shadows dancing across his exposed skin. Too many teeth in his mouth when he laughs. Sometimes when you stare into his eyes you see something indescribable staring back behind them. His usually warm and inviting gaze darkening. A barest flicker, a hulking bestial thing kept locked behind in his golden gaze. It's enough to freeze the blood in your veins.

On certain nights when you can slip away from the brothers you stay in his room. Lying  awake, you watch his magic wane and shift as he slumbers. Sometimes you see runes, or at times letters. You are tempted to write them down and ask Solomon. But something stops you each time.

The worst images are the faces. Unknown souls trapped beneath his flesh clawing to be freed. Silent screams fading back into his body as he dreams. Your fragile fingers trace the patterns they leave as you wait for the next day wrapped in his embrace.

Only once have you seen more of his form then he would ever wish. The depths of his strength and mental fortitude were unknown to you so the slip up took you both by surprise. He masks the error well, but the sudden shift in energy in the room couldn’t be suppressed .

You are suddenly so aware of the oppressive weight of gravity on your frame. Your bones grinding together under the force of his aura. You panic, desperate by the need to breathe, but are unable to draw even the smallest bit of oxygen as it is robbed from the room. Time and reality wrapped too, distorting in ways only you thought only Barbatos could do. You knew in that moment the sudden dread of death, how mortally was but a rusty shackle tethering you down.

He collects himself, dispelling the energy and locking his glamour down tight to protect you. But that split second of fury felt like an eternity to you as you sink to the floor. You hiccup a shaky sob and shiver. Your fragile human mind bowing under the strain of what it cannot comprehend. Scolding hot tears fall from your cheeks, before splashing crimson the stone below you.

You didn't approach him again for over a month. No matter how strong you are, some things were better off unseen.

Mini Fic

He didn’t know. For once in his ancient pitiful existence, he had been unaware of his surroundings. It had been for just a moment, one tiny crack in his veneer. The foolishness of Mammon and Belphegor’s actions finally poked the right nerve. He wouldn’t hurt them, for Lucifer’s sake. That prideful demon would never forgive him if he did. But he could scare them. A quick look at his true self; a flash of the deepest bowels of hell. Enough to give them a reminder of their positions and standing in his court. He had expected their whimpers of fear, could taste the acidic tinge of it exuding from their pores. What he didn’t expect though was your blood curdling screams alongside.

Ironically, he would have to thank the second eldest later. His fast thinking is the only thing that saved you from complete damnation. His body shielded yours, taking the brunt of the stronger daemons hellish might for you. What little magic Mammon still had left used to protect you. Though, while your vision was blocked, you could still feel his oppressive presence. It racked your mortal flesh. Diavolo knew what affects his power had on humans. He spent years breaking and consuming damned souls with zeal after all.

The brothers had run from him after that, screaming for Simone. Barbatos following close behind, a look of consternation on his usually impassive face. You had been so limp in Mammon's arms. Diavolo could do nothing, shocked by his own weak will and realization that he might have ruined everything. You had been whisked away so quickly by his faithful servant and the brothers that he hadn’t had a chance to look you over himself. But the brief moment he saw will haunt him for years to come. Your eyes red from the sudden haemolacria, the blood staining your clothes and face. Your fingers digging away at your soft skin, black and purple blotches staining what he could see. Mouth opened wide on a silent scream. He knew what you must have seen. The souls of the damned trapped under his glamour breaking free to latch on to your unmarred soul trying to drag you back with them.

Against his butler's advice he stands at your door now days later trying to see you. He couldn’t sit around and just hear updates second hand. The brothers had been keeping guard most days in a valiant attempt to keep him away. But he could only be waylaid for so long before he used his rank against them.

He had arranged a full council meeting. Every one of the brothers knowing full well it was to get them out of his way. Yet, the order was absolute. This time none of the brothers could reject it. Barbatos would keep them in that room for eternity if he so wished for it. He hated using his age and power against them, but he saw no other way to get to you.

It was foolish now, standing as he was in front of your door. A part of him hoping you would turn the knob and let him in. Let him comfort you for once, instead of the asinine distractions the brothers offered. He could help too. Hells, he wanted to. He wanted to be closer to you. Power discrepancy be damned. The other part of him knowing it was for the best that you didn’t. Your guardian and tormentor all in one. He listens to your muffled sobs for a moment fighting with his feet to stay cemented to the floor instead of heading back in defeat.  

"When my father was still around he took me down to the deepest depths of the kingdom. Where the worst of the traitors and sinners are imprisoned." His deep baritone rumbles through your door during a break in your crying. "It’s a place few seldom go; even now I have yet to return. Back then he told me ‘there will never be a human soul that is undeserving of punishment. Even the ones destined for the celestial realm are tethered to sin.’ At that time I believed him. The things I saw in your realm... " The prince chuckles wearily.

He remembers the ever present scowl on the old King's face. His dark eyes looking out at the sea of damned souls he controlled. Even as a young daemon, fresh into his wings and still sharpening his horns to impress others he could tell how much his father detested his position. How it had warped him, turning him bitter and cold, even to his mate and only child.

Diavolo never wanted to be like that. Not to the ones he supposedly cared for at the very least. "I think that is why he hated the other realms so much.” He continued. “Humans, for their ability to choose which realm they would eventually end up in after they pass. That even the worst sinners could find redemption enough at the last moment to get to the pearly gates. While daemons, no matter how well they served, or the duties they did for the good of their own would never be seen as equals to our celestial counterparts or yours. That this existence is all we'll ever be destined to have. Nightmares and monsters, stories to tell little human children to keep them in line.” He pauses, collecting himself. “I believed wholeheartedly that every human deserved the punishments only my kind could dowel out. But, in this past year I have spent with you, I find myself changing. You are so undeserving of such torment. Somehow you are understanding and forgiving beyond measure to us. You handle our ill tempers with such grace. For daemons such as us, it is staggering, and humbling. I regret that I have hurt you so deeply and have broken your trust. I swear it as the head of this realm I would never intentionally do so." He looks at the door handle willing it to open. " I am so sorry."

Your crying picks up again. Huge heaving sobs that rattle your chest. Great Father, he just keeps making it worse. Clearing his head Diavolo turns.

Rejection of this nature was new to him. No one had ever dared to ignore him, especially such as this. The royal in him- his father's blood- seethed that he would even stoop so low as to grovel to a short lived thing like yourself. Even deeper yet, it demanded another taste of your essences. You little soul kept safe behind your rib cage. He wanted it added to his collection, kept tucked away deep within his maws.

It was sick; it was wrong. He chokes on the idea. The intrusive thought burrowing deep. How deplorable was he? Perhaps the angels were right to keep him out of heaven.

You didn't show to class the following day, or the days after. Unsurprising to him and the seven of the inner council. He figured the other day wouldn’t change anything. But it was utter agony to him. These days trapped in his office only getting short and curt updates on your health from Lucifer. It had been a special kind of torment.

Today he sat once again at his desk staring at some godforsaken bitching of a royal cousin. He knew this whelp. Some backwater thrice removed eons ago. Yet he was demanding an audience? The gall. The ink of their eligible handwriting makes him cross eyed. Would this day ever cease? He looks to his hourglass, the sands within seemingly frozen in time.

"My Lord, perhaps you should take a moment to stretch your legs?" Barbatos moved from his corner. Gloved hand coming to rest on top of the same three lines he had been reading for the past two hours. "This work could wait another evening I’m certain ."

"Did I do the right thing my friend?" Diavolo doesn't even bother answering the question his servant posed. They both knew he wouldn't. "This program. Our human exchange students. Solomon is one thing, but-"

"Your will and path is absolute." Barbatos states. "There are no mistakes within you, merely stumblings onto different paths."

With a gentle push Barbatos moves the hulking demon out of his way to collect and organize the scrolls and letters scattered about the large desk. "You made the right choice bringing them here. Look at what they have done. They are entertainment to you are they not?"

The prince rose knocking his desk aside and descended on his butler. His true form out in all its unholy glory now. His highly condensed magic distorting the study as if he was a black hole. The axis of the room shifts. His priceless collection of books and toys disintegrating from the cold radiation he emits.

It was all for show really. There was nothing he could do to an ancient being such as Barbatos. So he lashed out, throwing a tantrum in the security of his office. The hopeless agitation he felt fueling the flames of his rage. His butler had only added holy water to his already festering wounds.

Barbatos had been by his side for time in memoriam. The crafty bastard had helped raise him. Had shaped him into the ruler he was today. If anyone could break and remold him it would be his oldest companion.

The dark haired daemon waited for the waves of agitation to dry up. Moving only when the prince was in his more presentable demonic form. Large barrel chest heaving as he reined himself in. “Are you back to your senses?” He asks coolly, already categorizing the items to replace and furniture to be mended.

"I had not meant for it to go like this."  Diavolo croaks into his hands collapsing back on what remained of his desk. Building a bridge between realms, yes. That noble idea was the greater purpose of this program, but the rest of it. The classes, and dances. The parties where he threw his newest toys about to see how they would react to things other mortals worshiped? That had been for his own curiosity and amusement. Lesser beings navigating a foreign world blind to the dangers that were right under their very nose. Bring a mortal with no magic into his realm? Deep down he knew this was an inevitability. Especially with the freedoms he granted them. He just didn’t think he would get so attached.

“No one believes that you would hurt them on purpose.” His butler cuts off his downward spiral. “It would ruin the program. That is what you are so stressed about, right?” Barbatos eyes him skeptically. Diavolo, himself, and Lucifer had spent many sleepless weeks constructing and negotiating this program. If the Arch Angels heard a mortal was hurt down here it could very well end this little escapade. But the look in the prince’s eyes told a different story.

A warm glow emanated from his cheeks and he was unable to meet the old daemon’s gaze. Ah. "Or perhaps things have changed?" Barbatos smiles coyly up from beneath his bangs. "You are your mother's son after all. Neither of you were ever able to stem your bleeding hearts for long." Diavolo squawked indignantly but didn’t argue. Instead he merely turns a darker shade of red and curses under his breath.

He skipped out on court that evening. Not that he cared much. The other nobles would no doubt use the time to gossip about his whereabouts and uncouth behavior of late. Truth be told, he was avoiding the brothers more than anything else. They had made it expressly clear (some more then others) how they felt about him currently. He wouldn't doubt that Belphegor had a few more brothers on his side now.

Instead he stood at your door once more with a tea tray in hand. He had bumped into Simone on the way. The angel had come to bring you dinner and to check up on the last of your wounds. Celestial magic worked miracles on those who have been touched by the darker arts. Diavolo was grateful for his talents. And, by some miracle, Simone had made it abundantly clear he was not going to bring this to the higher ups on his end either.

Upon seeing the prince slinking up the house's stairwell the other man had simply smiled and offered him the tray. “I suddenly got a message from Luke. Could you perhaps drop this by our friend’s door?” Diavolo had accepted without preamble, large hands dwarfing the platter of little tea cakes and sandwiches. The young cherubs work no doubt. His cooking was a fine treat, and a great incentive to at least open the door.

“Hello again.” He knocks twice. “I just wanted to check in on you. I know I am the last person you wish to see but I was hoping to talk?” Silence greets him. Were you awake? He breathes deeply and focuses on picking up your vitals. You were up, your heart thumping steady somewhere in the room. That was good. “I also have dinner for you. Simone had an urgent matter to attend to so he- for better or worse- entrusted this to me.”

Diavolo searches hopelessly for something else to say. He couldn’t just leave the food and go. He needed to see you. “I don’t plan on staying long today. I understand when I am not wanted, but I cannot help myself but be worried for you. Perhaps this is just me contritioning, because I know I caused this. The amount of times I have been called a ‘ass’ by Solomon over this have been staggering.” He rambles. After another bout of silence from your end he coincides. “I see- I will leave the food by the door and let you rest.” Defeated he puts the food down and turns to leave.

The door clicks open slowly. One bloodshot eye peeking through the crack. “Oh mio piccolo mortale.” He loses his grip on your shared tongue at a loss. You looked- you must have been in the hall longer then he or the brothers had known. Such damage couldn’t be done in a few moments. Your skin was healing as nicely as Lucifer had said, but the deep purple scarring still remained on the surface. The burn pattern of it all was random. Twisting wounds that reflected an oily sheen from the light of the hallway. “I-.”

“I know-” You cut him off with a raised hand. “and I feel as though I owe you an apology too.” Your voice was so weak and shaky. A mockery of your normally strong and jovial tone. Hearing you laugh at school had brightened the dreary halls. He hadn’t realized it until you weren't there.

“You owe me nothing.” Diavolo says in earnest. He watches you contemplate your next words before throwing whatever you were going to say away.

“Would you like to come in?” Your eyes drop to the tray. “Luke always makes more than I can eat.”

“I don’t think that would be wise.” He backs out. All his plans crashing and burning around his feet. His actions had been irreparable.

“Perhaps not,” You open the door wider taking the tray and heading to your side table, leaving him no room to argue. “But then again, being a lamb among such wolves as yourself and the brothers isn’t smart either.” You meant it as a joke but he couldn’t even muster a chuckle. It was true. Gods. “Dia-” You approach him again but falter at the last second.

As much as you wanted to be close to him again the memories were still so fresh in your mind. The cold hell fire of his magic ensnaring you, searing your skin. The whispered words of sinners long since past still echoing in your head, all in languages you’ve never heard before. The worst though had to be the screaming. Lost souls begging for help. Some sounded so familiar…You shutter involuntarily.

You wanted to hate him for this. Curse him for putting you through this pain. But how much could you blame him? Or any of them? They were daemons. Whether he meant to hurt you or not, it truly had only been a matter of time before it happened. It would be hypocritical of you to fear or hate him forever over this. Six of the seven brothers have threatened your life before, and you have forgiven them. Hell, one of them actually killed you. What’s more was that Diavolo’s wrath hadn’t even been directed at you.

Wrong place at the right time; seemed to be your forte. “Please, come in.” You repeat again firmer than before mustering up either courage or sheer human stupidity to order him in. You couldn’t tell the difference anymore. “We need to talk.”  

He enters, following at your heel like a lost puppy. All air of princedom gone as you clicked the door shut. Diavolo fiddles with his hands, old habits from childhood coming with his nerves. He didn’t know what to expect anymore. Yelling? Some kind of beratement? A plea to go home and never look back?  He would let you.

You pass by him, giving him a large berth of space to get to your seat. “Tea?”  

Diavolo jerks his head to you. He had forgotten momentarily the plate of food he had used to get access to you. You smile sheepishly pushing it and a plate of sweets towards him with your unbandaged knuckles. He doesn’t move till your hand retracts back to your lap. You jerk your head to the open seat waiting for him. You weren’t going to take no for an answer.

“I- thank you.” The daemon sits making himself as small as possible in the straight back chair. He takes the porcelain and drinks mindlessly. The scalding hot tea doing little to help the tightness of his throat, but it did thaw some of the ice in his mind.

“Are-how…” He fumbles so unsure of what to do next. “I see you’ve been keeping up with your school work.” Diavolo closes his eyes, wincing internally at his words. That’s what he comes up with? Idiotic.

You smile anyway, eyeing the massive pile of books and paperwork spewn about your bed. “Yeah. I’ve taken to doing my school work with Levi in his room. Mammon and Beel are nice enough to drop it off to the teachers when they are due.” He nods. He knew this of course. But it was nice to hear it from you. But yet, you don’t meet his eyes. Far too afraid to see what hid behind them.

The thought of being dragged back into those dark depths again makes your pulse quicken. You instead stare at your nail beds, finding them more interesting. They were purple now. The nails stained black by the contact with his magic. “Will- will that go away?” He asks. Demonic curses or taints were nigh impossible to remove fully. Disgustingly, he hoped they didn’t. Then your nails would match his. The darker depths of his soul coo at the idea, happy that in a small way every daemon would know your his. Not as good as a pact, but as close as he could get to being a part of your little mortal life.

“I’m not sure.” You reply honestly bringing your hands up to place them on the table. “Simone and Solomon have done what they could. But, it is as good as it’s going to get for now. They say it could fade with time.” You look up at him, eyes gazing to the left of his face. “Luke thinks I should see a stronger angel.” Diavolo winces, the thought stung, and terrified him. “I told him no.”

That surprised him. This was your chance. The celestial realm had been skeptical from the beginning. If they knew, it would be a perfect caveat for them to step in. “Why?” Finally you look at him. The fear was still there. Hesitation evident in your eyes. Yet you forced yourself to look at him, fighting through your trepidation.

“Did you mean what you said earlier? About your father and what you think of me?”

“Of course.” He replies without hesitation reaching for your cold hands. You flinch but don’t move away. It felt-nice. His warmth chasing away the perpetual chill that covered your fingertips. Idly you stroke his strong hands with your thumbs.

“Then, I think we can work on this privately.” Slowly but surely you felt like you could fix this. Not for the program, but for yourself.  

[gcdisms]

@triggerbigger​ 𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑡   :   iris :   if your muse could convey one last message to someone they have lost or left behind ,   what would it be ?  :^)    ——— （   BOTANICAL HEADCANONS  ‣‣  ACCEPTING ） 

ANDREA JONES SAWYER . “ i’ve never had the ability to accumulate my words ,  especially in regards to my feelings towards you -  in truth, i don’t think i ever will, no amount of education and reading will give me the skills to weave together the english language enough to walk away from this meeting feeling truly satisfied .  i think that’s okay,  i think that’s apart of the healing; i still have much of a journey ahead of me to finally feel the relief of ridding your looming shadow over me. you were my first taste of the bitterness in a world that never pretends to be anything but razor edges and disappointment - i resent you for that... hate you for it, how could i not ? you were supposed to be my mother, you were supposed to help guide me through the pain that living brings, instead you only added to the cruelty and threw me onto the blades ; that isn’t a mother, it took me a long time to realize what motherhood is, and i know stepping back, looking at how you treated me... no, how you treated me AND ashley - neither of us had it good. me, thrown to the side and forced to fend for myself and ashley, so suffocated by your love that he barely had room to grow roots beyond you and henry - i used to be jealous of him, in comparison its easy to see why . now ... i just hope he grows, learns, it’s never too late, not for anyone . 

in many ways im grateful for how life played out, i’m aware there is apart of you that is going to twist that - claim that as a result, it was you who made me. but that isn’t true,  i’m the reason im sat here today . you were a lesson, that’s all. one lesson stacked up on millions. i mean ... fuck,  you’re someone i never want to be, in another world, you cradled me in your arms and treated me as your own, an equal ; i dread to think that there is a me out there who took after you, at least this you  -  maybe in that world, you’re the woman you secretly want to be. 

you know... there was a moment where i think i was like you, a mini you - i was young, i was vicious and i was cruel, i didn’t care who i hurt only that it wasn’t me that was hurting, it felt good ... it makes me wonder if you experience the same rush in these moments that i did back then . and that girl ... that isn’t who i am anymore - i’m ... this, i’m better, i’m a work in process, but the project is beautiful.  and when i look at you, i simply see a cold, brutal woman who will never be free of her chains .  take it from me,  the heaviness of them will only grow worse if you don’t let go, if you don’t rip them from their attachment to your skin. it’s not easy, but surely it’s far better than the alternative ? 

i suppose you’re wondering why i’m doing my best to be calm, to be collected. admittedly, this is... hard for me. believe me, it’d be so easy to fall victim to my past self . to threaten violence, to scream obscurities and rub in my recent success in your face ; i think past me deserves that, i’m upset i have to deprive her of that . but she’ll understand, and she’ll also understand when i say this : i’m sorry. 

i’m sorry that you have never really felt love . i’m sorry that you see life as a business and nothing more . i’m sorry that my existence was such a burden on you,  i’m sorry that i will be the heavy confession on the tip of your tongue at the pearly gates when you’re forced to own up to every mistake you’ve ever made, i’m sorry that i’ll be the last thing that keeps you from total salvation . 

i ... truly, i have nothing else to say despite feeling a need to say more,  but it would be empty -  it would be rambles which i’m sure neither of us need .  and i need you to know,  whether or not you find peace is not my concern,  this was about me moving on, it’s about closing a chapter i never want to visit again,  but ... i’d be lying if i denied that i’m not hoping for the best for you . 

may the next world be kinder to you,  may you be kinder to those around you ... to yourself .  goodbye,  mother .  “ 

[drkcnry67]

title: She’s my baby doll

pairing: John x reader

kink 2020: panty kink

share the love: oblivious sexual tension

rating: 18+

tags: NOT FOR ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. THIS STORY WILL GIVE YOU THE WORST POSSIBLE NIGHTMARES! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!! vaginal fingering, sniffing of fresh used panties, clueless female doesnt know she is turning on a sexually frustrated male, vaginal penetration, shower sex, losing virginity

summery: none

TAGGING @sweetness47​

created for: @thisismysecrethappyplace​  @spnkinkbingo​

kink 2020 list     share the love list

both your parents had been training you to be a hunter, one stormy night they had brought you with them on a hunt, but told you to wait in the car while they quickly when in for the kill.

they left you both with a phone and an emergency number, your god father Bobby Singer. should they not come out of the hunt you were to call bobby and not trust anyone else for the first while.

sitting in the car you were unaware that someone else had gone into the same place your parents were in. a few moments later the sound of voices alert you to someone approaching your vehicle.

you pull out your hand gun and ready it. doing exactly like your parents taught you. you leave the door open a tad and the windows kinda down. then you spring from the car as you aim your hand held at three gentlemen who appear to be human.

YN: who are you? where are my parents? what did you do to them?

John steps in between you and the boys.

John: easy sweetheart, my name is John winchester, your father with his final breath told us to find you and bring you to Bobby Singer, who happens to be a good friend of mine. your parents fought admirably but were severely wounded in the battle. your mother was dead in seconds. but your father survived long enough to tell us about you, where to find you, and where to bring you. You are safe with us no one is gonna harm you. Dean, sam go get the equipment to the car, bring it here, I will help YN get to the car.

both Sam and Dean rush off, you are left with John. you continue to hold your handheld aimed at him for a few more seconds before your legs buckle from beneath you.

dropping your handheld you fall to your knees, tears streaming from your eyes. John helps you up and cradles you in his arms as you continue to cry.

Sam and Dean pull up with the impala. Dean gets out of the car as John stares at Dean.

Dean: what are your orders sir?

John: take YN and sit with her in the back seat and boy get your head out of the gutter, this girl just lost her parents.

YN: wait we need to give them a proper funeral first. then you all can treat me like a fragile china doll.

John sends sam to build the pyre’s, Dean and John go to collect the bodies. one body per pyre, a white sheet wrapped around each body, then doused in oil as you sang one final song for your parents.

John and the boys just stood there as you sang a song you often heard your mother sing when she was at hunter funerals. she told you that it was a burial song that she had heard while in greece on a trip once.

you figured it was only right to sing it in her memory. once that was done you felt no strength the physically walk, John offered to carry you, you graciously accepted.

about halfway to the car, you had passed out from exhaustion. John had Dean sit in the back seat as John gently placed you in the back resting your head in Dean’s lap.

the entire ride back to bobby’s John kept stealing silent longing glances at you, but then he realized that a girl like you would never go for a guy like him. but perhaps that was just speculation, john’s mind swirled with the fark thoughts as his mind came up with a plan, something so genius so full proof, it was bound to work.

pulling into Bobby’s lot several hours later bobby and rumsfeld greeted everyone at the driveway. John carried you in his arms, not displaying anything except the remorse he felt for you.

you were laid down in your room, Bobby goes to the kitchen and pulls out a beer for John who cant sleep. Dean and Sam however pass out on the couch as they are completely exhausted.

John: they didnt make it, they died in the fight. YN was in their car scared out of her mind when we got to her. Bobby she had her gun tranked on me and the boys. she thought we did somethng to her parents. this girl, how..

Bobby: im her god father, her parents were some of my best friends they got married right here on this property. then they found out they were expecting a baby and they couldnt have been happier. they sat me down in this very kitchen one day and asked me to be the god father of their child. i accepted. YN has gret potential to be an amazing huntress. for she has both the blood of a hunter and the blood of a witch. she is exactly like her mother.

John’s eyes went wide with shock.

John: wait what… she is half human, half witch?

Bobby could only nodd his head as he raised his beer to the ceiling and spoke.

Bobby: well Niella, heres hoping that you and trevor are standing at the pearly gates now. rest in peace my friends. i promise i will look after your girl.

he took a long swig before looking at John.

Bobby: boy get your ass to bed, get some sleep. you idjit. get. i can watch the lines for a while. it wont kill you to get some sleep. now get goin before i kick your ass.

John: your right, i should get some sleep but it would be nice to know that she is okay first.

Bobby could see something going on in Johns features when he spoke about you.

Bobby: what are you thinking bout?

John: Bobby I know I kept saying I might never find anyone to love after what happened with Mary but I honestly think I’ve found a spark in that girl laying upstairs sleeping.

Bobby looked at his best friend and got up to give him a pat on the shoulder.

Bobby: give her some time she will come around. She needs to adjust to life now that she has lost her parents. Just don’t push her right now, John. Give her time to heal.

John: ya I suppose your right buddy, you always are. Now I’m gonna go get some sleep. Let me know if you find any cases.

John made his way to the other bedroom upstairs, though as much as he wanted to make a move to tell you about the spark he felt, he knew Bobby was right you needed time to heal.

He was willing to wait, however long it would take. You woke up about early afternoon, you went into your bathroom and just stood there in the hot water, mulling over the events of night passed.

You realized that they were really gone. John woke up about the same time, John went into your room to make sure you were okay. When he didn’t see you and he heard the shower running he knew that he had a chance.

He went to what he presumed to be your dirty laundry pile and picked up a pair of your used panties from the top of the pile. As John held those still warm panties in his hands he stood in wonder of the wet secrets you held. What dreams and thoughts kept you up at night.

john stuck the panties in his pocket, he knew what he planned to do with it later. and by later he means like in a few moments when he arrives back in his own room. for now he would let you be.

you get out of the shower and head off to find something to wear. something that would help you to remain comfortable at the same time hunt ready just in case. you got dressed and braided your hair.

YN (to self in the mirror): i shall strive to survive however long that may be, i shall hunt, i shall kill those who threaten the good, pure and innocent. i shall strive to have everything my parents ever wanted for me. for i am their daughter, their soul heir, i only hope to be as good a huntress as they could ever have hoped me to be.

you emerged from your bedroom, you heard voices from downstairs. you figured that whoever was down there must have been frieds of bobby’s.

You walked unto the kitchen, Bobby spotted you and came up to you pulling you into a hug. the other 2 people in the kitchen just looked at you and Bobby not sure what to say or how to react. 

Bobby pulled back after a few seconds and spun you round.

Bobby: my god YN you have grown into such a wonderful young woman, with the beauty of your mother and the strength as well as courage of your father. 

YN: i cant believe they are gone. i hate this feeling of we are in such danger. yet something else is about to… who are our guests?

Bobby: these are the people who brought you here last night. This is Sam and Dean Winchester, their father John is upstairs sleeping. Or at least he should be. That stubborn idjit never listens. Would you do us the honor of making breakfast YN, I’m just briefing these boys on a nearby poltergeist.

YN: let me see what I can do about feeding you boys.

You started humming, speaking in a sing song voice words not in English but something foreign. You just thought it was one of the celtic mix songs you were singing.

Meanwhile Dean, Sam and Bobby listen to what you are singing.

Sam: that doesn’t sound english

Dean: Bobby do you know what she is saying?

Bobby: it’s a witches blessing, but she doesn’t know that

Sam and Dean both looked at Bobby in shock.

Sam: where did she learn that?

Bobby: her mother was half witch half human, YN got the same gene as her mother. When a witch has a child their power is passed onto their first born when they die. Niella is gone, it’s only a matter of time before YN comes into her mother’s and her own power.

bobby was just thankful that you hadnt heard that, he knew if you did you would resent what you are. cause thats what you were taught. 

Dean: so is she single.

Bobby slapped Dean upside the head

Bobby: she has a potential caller in that department, he is just waiting for the right moment when she isnt in mourning. now, not a word of any of this to her or i will have you both sleeping outside in rumsfeld’s dog house. 

You come into the dining room, carrying 3 plates for the 3 men sitting in that room. you place a plate in front of each gentleman. getting thanked by each one you move to do the rest of the filing and organizing for Bobby. you decided that you would just keep yourself as busy as possible. 

bobby and the boys finished eating, bobby then had Sam do the dishes while Dean went to speak with John. bobby then came to keep an eye on you. 

YN: i can feel you hovering. 

Bobby: i am only concerned, you lost your parents. you need to take time to mourn, you need to heal. 

YN: i will take time to do that when i dont have chores to do.

bobby: you have no chores that have to be done right now. just take rumsfeld, go for a stroll in the woods. take the time to process and grieve, when you get back we will discuss what an amazing job your doing on the organizing as well as the grocery list.  

You put down the papers and books your holding and you grab rumfelds leash, leading him out the door. Both of you strolling down the path into the woods.  

You get to a clearing, you take rumfelds leash off you knew he wouldn’t go too far, he was always partial to you.

You found a stream, rumsfeld lay down beside it just basking in the sunlight, you took off your sandals and dipped your toes in the stream. That’s when you felt a tear fall off your cheeks.

Meanwhile back at the house, Dean and John come downstairs as Sam finishes the dishes. 

 John: what’s the good word? 

 Bobby:I sent YN out to talk rumsfeld for a walk, she needed to be alone right now. As well as Sam did dishes, the boys are gonna go take care of a poltergeist just 10 miles east of here, and I’m gonna go later and get the groceries. You have time to work on whatever vehicle you want John. ive got some new ones coming in today. if you want to do that for me lighten the load a bit for me that would be helpful. YN will just be in here organizing and doing several things for me. building some shelves and stands. she will just be keeping busy, rumsfeld will be with her.

John: leave me the list of whats wrong with the cars, ill get them done. do not forget to put bacon on the shopping list. and we need more toilet paper. the stock is running low. as well as easy to transport meals for those emergency hunting trips. 

bobby: Dean, Sam time for you boys to head out. i have written down the address for you boys. please for the love of everything, you idjits be careful. and good luck. 

Sam and Dean take off in the impala. they both knew that it was it wouldnt be wise to disobey Bobby especially when John was there. 

John helped Bobby create a shopping list. But the entire time that John was helping Bobby, his mind was on you on all the dirty things he wanted to do to you. 

Bobby waited till you would return almost 2 hours later, rumsfeld came bounding into the house. You stood outside and stared at the forest where you yelled screamed and cried. Bobby embraced you upon your arrival inside the house. 

Bobby: I’m gonna go do a run into town as well as follow up on a case. You two gonna be okay here by yourselves. 

YN: we will be fine. Thank you Bobby. I feel alot better after that walk with rumsfeld but right now we have a mess to organize and shelves to build. Right rumsfeld. 

Rumsfeld just looked at you and accepted the ear scratches that you gave him. Before both of you disappeared into the living room. Bobby and John now spoke quietly so as not for you to hear.

 Bobby: do what you will John but don’t force her to do anything she isn’t ready for. 

John: Bobby I gave you my word alright I’m not gonna force her into anything. Trust me. 

Bobby: don’t give me any reason, not to trust you John. I’m going grocery shopping now. The list is on the table of the cars that should start coming in anytime now. One of them is her parents car. All the bags and things in it as well. Don’t touch it just wait on that till I return. I want to show it to YN. Allow her the chance to go through her parents things. 

John: I will be on my best behavior now go get those groceries. Take your time and bring back lots of alcohol I’m sure it will go to good use. 

Bobby: alright don’t forget to call me if u need anything else. 

Bobby walks out to his car and takes off down the driveway as John watches him turn away from the house. John watches you from a distance, waiting for his right moment to strike. 

He goes out to check in a few cars and start working on a few things, setting stuff up basically and then he walks in and sneaks up behind you covering your mouth as his hands roam your body. 

John: listen up and listen good, you are driving me crazy. The way you walk in these short shorts, has be rock hard. So I am not gonna penetrate you right now, instead I’m gonna say this. You are gonna use your hands to remove your shorts, then you are gonna spread your legs and let me feel that pussy of yours. Do it now slowly and then we will have some fun.

you did as told, you were shaking but that was to be your undoing. for as soon as you had your shorts and panties down far enough he forcefully spread your legs and ran his finger over your pussy. it was wet and very very tender. 

YN: no John what are you doing?

John: im relieving some of my tension. you have had me sexually frustrated since last night when i laid you on the bed. then this morning while you were in the shower, i stole a pair of your fresh used panties off the top of the pile. we will relieve the rest of my tension again at a later date, but for now i just want a small taste of what im gonna have to play with. now dont move and keep your legs spread, also pull your feet out of your shorts and panties. ill be taking this pair of warm fresh panties from you as well. 

john stuff them in his jeans, you then feel his finger against your clit, it kinda tingled but mostly it made you scream. This only made him go faster, pumping his fingers in and out. Then he removed the 2 fingers he had in your pussy, he spread your folds and began to bury his face in your pussy. His tongue severely licking your clit.

YN: John stop please we dont know when everyone is getting back... 

John: that is the second outburst from you. let me put you over my shoulder, we are going to test the water pressure... 

you struggle as John lifts you over his shoulder carrying you upstairs to your shower. he turns on the water before using his free hand to take off his pants. he then gets into the shower still holding you, he spreads your legs and feels the hot water on his hard cock. 

letting it lather up a bit before dropping you on his hard cock. you let out a strong scream, John tore your shirt and bra, he continued to pound you into the walk for a number of minutes. blood running down the drain from your pussy as John pounds you. 

John: cum for me YN. then i shall let you bathe Rumsfeld as well... gives a cover story as to why your all wet. 

John unleashes 5 more minutes of rough pounding before he unleashed a huge load of cum inside you. 

he sets you down under the water before he gets out drys off and puts his pants back on keeping your panties in his jeans. he leaves you alone with Rumsfeld. who jumps right into the bathtub. you wash your self off and then you wash rumsfeld. 

you cry while you do but rumsfeld just licks your face and makes you smile. rumsfeld didnt leave your side at all after the bath, he waited rolling round in the towel you gave him drying himself off as you put on something comfortable. 

you went back downstairs and didnt see John, you cleaned stuff up and made your way over to finish organizing. before you would ever settle down to watch a movie, just snuggling with Rumsfeld. 

you were taking a nap on the floor with rumsfeld when Bobby and John walked in carrying the groceries. the organizing was almost done but the events of but a few hours ago had taken alot out of you. 

neither John nor you spoke of what happened, neither of you worried about the future, cause it was intertwined from the beginning and that is another tale for another time.

[queerdraws]

Ineffable Husbands playlist

For anyone looking for an ungodly long playlist that is probably going to be under construction forever: Here You Go

I also want to plug this playlist while im at it because I absorbed a lot of songs from it & it’s very good.  much more concise FULL CURRENT TRACKLIST, 41 songs (as of 7.6.19) UNDER THE CUT Including: tally hall (an absurd amount), hozier (of course), frank sinatra, the mountain goats, sufjan stevens, queen, elbow, velvet underground, mitski...etc.

Frank Sinatra - The Best is Yet to Come

Out of the tree of life I just picked me a plum You came along and everything started in to hum Still it's a real good bet The best is yet to come

Best is yet to come and babe won't that be fine You think you've seen the sun But you ain't seen it shine

A wait til the warm up's under way Wait til our lips have met And wait til you see that sunshine day You ain't seen nothing yet  ... Wait til your charms are right for these arms, to surround You think you've flown before  But baby you ain't left the ground 

Hozier - From Eden (obligatory)

Babe, there's something wretched about this Something so precious about this Oh what a sin

To the strand a picnic plan for you and me A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree Honey you're familiar like my mirror years ago

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on it's sword Innocents died screaming, honey ask me I should know I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Tally Hall - You & Me

Off again we go Another seed to sow Another part to keep in proper order

What have I begun? Get away undone I have seen the signs and I ignored them

Now it's you And me Divine A circular design (do do-do do-doo) Time, and place, and mind Points along the line (do do-do do-doo)

Sitting in the park Carefully remark Everything is better when you're learning

You were in the dark And I was in the dark Everything is made to keep on turning 

Barenaked Ladies - It’s All Been Done

I met you before the fall of Rome And I begged you to let me take you home You were wrong, I was right You said goodbye, I said goodnight

It's all been done It's all been done It's all been done before

I knew you before the west was won And I heard you say the past Was much more fun You go your way, I go mine But I'll see you next time

It's all been done It's all been done It's all been done before

The Strokes - Under Cover of Darkness (the times between meetings)

We got the right to live, fight to use it Got everything but you can just choose it I won't just be a puppet on a string

Don't go that way I'll wait for you

And I'm tired of all your friends Listening at your door I want what's better for you

So long, my friend and adversary But I'll wait for you

Conor Oberst - To All the Lights in the Windows (Crowley POV, Aziraphale not quite meeting him half way wrt The Arrangement.  Talks about various biblical events throughout time, like they’re meeting up there)

Jesus off in the water, standing on His feet Yeah, that's the thing about charisma it makes everyone believe But there is nothing impossible When I'm with you and when you're with me I got a sad sinking feeling that, that can never be

But I'm going to do what I can for you, I will make a plea To all the lights in the windows, the puddles in the streets And all the lovers that you've been teasing from your balcony May they carry you far from my memory

Light a Roman Candle with Me (Crowley POV)

Light a roman candle with me Just a roman candle, you can wear your sandals And I'll pour you just one cup of tea. Then you can go and rest You haven't seen my best, so

Just spend an evening with me Just a lazy evening, then you could be leaving Or we could stay and talk until three. I will think it's magic and I'll hope you'll agree, so

Light a roman candle with me. Just a roman candle. Just a perfect apple.

If we were honest and both wrote a sonnet together A sandwich with everything on it, At least we would know that the sparks didn't glow But we owe it to ourselves to try, So we aim and ignite! So often I call and I plead with you: "Give me a chance!" It's not often that I understand The ins and the outs of what's wrong and what's right So don't think of tomorrow tonight.

Oh, I know, it goes on, it gets old But for now we're young, we smell good, we're alone

You look for a legend, I'm looking for common ground. Your heart isn't breaking, And mine isn't making a sound.

Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old

Light a roman candle with me. Just a roman candle. Just a perfect apple.

Tears for Fears - Head Over Heels (mmm pining)

You keep your distance with a system of touch And gentle persuasion I'm lost in admiration, could I need you this much? Oh, you're wasting my time You're just, just, just wasting time

Something happens and I'm head over heels I never find out till I'm head over heels Something happens and I'm head over heels Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart Don't, don't, don't throw it away

Throw it away Throw it away

Mother Mother - Problems

You and me, we're not the same I am a sinner, you are a saint When we get to the pearly gates You'll get the green light I'll get the old door in the face

Doo, doo, doo I'm a loser, a disgrace, yeah

I've found love in the strangest place Tied up and branded, locked in a cage I say I'm gonna stage a great escape Let loose and love all But baby we're out of place

Doo, doo, doo I'm a loser, a disgrace You're a beauty A luminary, in my face

I got it all, and not a lot, I got a lot less than a lot I've got problems, not just the ones that are little It's those people problems, it's something to consider When you come for dinner at my place

The Mountain Goats - New Zion (sort of a flashback to the garden, i don’t like to put really mellow songs at the very beginning of playlists so this was the best place i could fit this one in)

There were signs up in the sky When we gathered by the garden wall Everybody on his best behavior Listening for the altar call

High priest of Salem in his robes Ranting of the coming of the day Ravens at the gates Frightening all the visitors away

I lay down by the water Dreamed a dream of where I come from Old things made new Waiting for you

There were wooden wind chimes rustling In the trees above the anthills on the dunes On the high winds, we could hear them Old familiar tunes

The little bit of faith we had once Like the memory of a movie They got burned up in the great fire Reassembling itself slowly by surely

I lay down by the water Dreamed a dream of where I come from Old things made new Waiting for you

Tally Hall - Who You Are (Aziraphale POV)

Maybe there's something to being the one who you are Holding the thoughts in as you pull away in your car I get to thinking a little too often & All that I want is a little aloft & Maybe it's all too much thinking and not enough heart

How is it all of the people can know who you are? Off in the distance emitting a glow in the dark All of it subtle and all of it very bizarre How is it all of the people can know who you are? I see you Not too far

Armed to the teeth You will sit at the fireside We are the ones who have chosen the other side It was easy to see You were ready to be And it all falls down

You rose up and rode away underground Alone us finding our way to found

Catfish and the Bottlemen - Longshot

Go, ahead and tell me you got all you want Fiver says you're wrong And I suppose you've come down to help me Move things along ... Listen, the distance between us, could've took a while Once we closed that difference, you turned up like a friend of mine Every once in a while, the little things make me smile As if one of our longshots paid off One of our longshots paid off

So yeah, go, ahead and tell me something real Come on, how'd you feel? And I suppose you've come down to help me Answer to the riddle To the riddle

Why we laughed it off and we're wise enough, who knows?

Queen - You’re My Best Friend (obligatory)

Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine and I want you to know That my feelings are true I really love you Oh, you're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live

Ooh, I've been wandering 'round But I still come back to you In rain or shine

Apples in Stereo - Baroque

In the moonlight I see my memories In a new light, they seem so real to me I remember You know I remember And the starlight tripping in the sky Come on, we can still go there tonight I remember You know I remember We haven't changed We just feel a little strange We haven't changed We're just a little bit deranged

Umphrey’s McGee - Made to Measure (Crowley POV, “’you go too fast for me???’ what’s that supposed to mean??”)

Please excuse this I know it's rude But I was just trying to satisfy someone who requested mine You're hard to please And no one knows just what you need If you won't ever ask for help then how am I to tell? Uncomfortable You wear it well The sooner that you come around, the offer's waited to be found Anytime you need it I am already there and waiting What's yours is mine but you’re inclined to hesitate to try Don't get me wrong here I just want to make my intentions clear There's no room for reading into deep, if things aren't written down As soon as I've been told That you will not be sold Then we could all move forward here, and find our endings well You need a break It's hard to take the time When things will just move faster and we're never ever slowing down Anytime you need it I'm already there and waiting What's yours is mine but you’re inclined to hesitate to try And after all the bullshit shuffled, piles up inside There's only room for you and me And what we've left to try

Hayley Kiyoko - What I Need (”I’m going to alpha centauri and I won’t even THINK about you!”)

All the back and forth getting complicated Running me around got me frustrated No, that's why I been laying low If you wanna make it work, baby, gotta say it Need a little more than participation Oh, I could go be on my own ... What I need, what I need, what I need Is for you to be sure 

The Mountain Goats - San Bernardino (Az POV, unsure of timeline placement on this one but it’s very tender)

We got in your car and we hit the highway Eastern sun was rising over the mountains Yellow and blood-red bits Like a kaleidoscope

And flaming swords may guard the garden of Eden But we consulted maps from earlier days Dead languages on our tongues Holding onto our last hope

And the day was bright and fine And the highway sign Said "San Bernardino Welcomes you!"

I checked us into our motel and filled the bathtub And you got in the warm, warm water I pulled petals from my pocket I loved you so much just then

Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone with You (another tender, possibly Az POV song)

I'd swim across Lake Michigan I'd sell my shoes I'd give my body to be back again In the rest of the room

To be alone with you To be alone with you To be alone with you To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely They took your clothes You gave up a wife and a family You gave your goals

To be alone with me To be alone with me To be alone with me You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I've never known a man who loved me

Elbow - Starlings (Crowley POV)

How dare the premier ignore my invitations? He'll have to go So too the bunch he luncheons with It's second on my list of things to do

At the top I'm stopping by Your place of work and acting like I haven't dreamed of you and I And marriage in an orange grove

You are the only thing In any room you're ever in I'm stubborn, selfish and too old

I sat you down and told you how The truest love that's ever found is for oneself You pulled apart my theory With a weary and disinterested sigh

So yes, I guess I'm asking you To back a horse that's good for glue and nothing else But find a man that's truer than Find a man that needs you more than I

Sit with me a while And let me listen to you talk about Your dreams and your obsessions I'll be quiet and confessional

The violets explode inside me When I meet your eyes Then I'm spinning and I'm diving Like a cloud of starlings Darling, is this love?

The Cure - Why Can’t I Be You?

You're so gorgeous I'll do anything I'll kiss you from your feet to where your head begins You're so perfect you're so right as rain You make me Make me, make me, make me hungry again

Everything you do is irresistible Everything you do is simply kissable Why can't I be you? ... Everything you do is simply delicate Everything you do is quite angelicate Why can't I be you? Why can't I be you?

Hozier - It Will Come Back (Crowley POV, don’t be kind to me i’ll get attached oh shit oh shit it already happened aughh)

I know who I am when I'm alone Something else when I see you You don't understand, you should never know How easy you are to need

Don't let me in with with no intention to keep me Jesus Christ, don't be kind to me Honey don't feed me I will come back

Can't be unlearned I've known the warmth of your doorways Through the cold, I'll find my way back to you Oh please, give me mercy no more That's a kindness you can't avoid! I want you baby tonight, as sure as you're born

You'll hear me howling outside your door Don't you hear me howling babe?

The Mountain Goats - So Desperate (Az POV)

We were parked in your car In our neutral meeting place, the Episcopalian churchyard I had things I'd been meaning to say But in the dazzling winter sun that late, I could feel them melt away

And through the warm radio static I couldn't hear my stage directions And the fog on the windshield Obscured our sad reflections

I felt so desperate In your arms I felt so desperate In your arms

We were parked near some trees And the moonlight soaked the branches in ever deepening degrees Had my hand in your hair Trying to keep my cool until it became too much to bear

When we cracked the windows open Well, the air was just so sweet We could hear the cars ten feet away Out there in the street

I felt so desperate In your arms I felt so desperate In your arms

Velvet Underground - I’ll Be Your Mirror

When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you're twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands 'Cause I see you

Mitski - Strawberry Blonde (pining)

I love everybody Because I love you I don't need the city, and I Don't need proof All I need, darling Is a life in your shape I picture it, soft And I ache

Ok Go - Last Leaf (Crowley POV, i will go as slow as you need me to)

If you should be the last Autumn leaf hanging from the tree I'll still be here waiting on the breeze to bring you down to me

And if it takes forever Forever it'll be And if it takes forever Forever it'll be

And if you should be the last seed in Spring to venture forth a leaf I'll still be here waiting on the rain to warm your heart for me

And if it takes forever Forever it'll be And if it takes forever Forever it'll be

Coldplay - Til Kingdom Come

Hold my head inside your hands I need someone who understands I need someone, someone who hears For you, I've waited all these years

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come Until my day, my day is done And say you'll come and set me free Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood In your fire and in your flood I hear you laugh, I heard you sing I wouldn't change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning The drummers begin to drum I don't know which way I'm going I don't know what I'll become

White Lies - A Place to Hide (mixed POV, apocalypse starts)

I've been searching through my books to try and find some truth Perhaps disguised as a mysterious way And if I made a promise Could I stay by your side? Would you guarantee my safety And say that I'd be all right?

But if Judgment Day started tonight at least I'd know I was right And I'd be laughing at the end of the world Take my hand tonight I'll think we'll be alright, girl

And I can see it on the TV, there's an air attack People of the mountains screaming I'll be back And I'm banging on your door so come on and let me in Need a place to hide, I need a place to hide before the storm begins

If I told you all the times when I'd done wrong Could you bathe my soul and wash it all away? I can't forgive the things that I can still remember So I think my friendly sins are here to stay

New Pornographers - Adventures in Solitude (Somebody killed my best friend)

Balancing on one wounded wing Circling the edge of the never ending The best of the vanished marvels Have gathered inside your door

More than begin but less than forget But spirits born from the not happened yet Gathering there to pay off a debt Brought back from the wars

We thought, we lost you We thought, we lost you We thought, we lost you Welcome back ... I know you want to run far away From one more and that it's comin' at a bad time Some cold place heartless ways for all we know

I know you need to breathe through Come back, come too but it's comin' at a bad time Tangled day, for all we know

I know you want to run far away from one more And that's comin' at a bad time Some cold race heartless ways for all we know

I know you want to breathe through Come back, come too but it's comin' at a bad time Old scarred face survivor's guilt, for all we know

Snow Patrol - The Lightning Strike (What if This Storm Ends?) (Crowley POV, you’re back!  oh god i could’ve lost you forever.)

What if this storm ends? And I don't see you As you are now Ever again

The perfect halo Of gold hair and lightning Sets you off against The planet's last dance

Just for a minute The silver forked sky Lit you up like a star That I will follow

Now it's found us Like I have found you I don't want to run Just overwhelm me

What if this storm ends? And leaves us nothing Except a memory A distant echo

I want pinned down I want unsettled Rattle cage after cage Until my blood boils

I want to see you As you are now Every single day That I am living

Painted in flames All peeling thunder Be the lightning in me That strikes relentless

Grandaddy - A.M. 180 (the apocalypse is over.  please still hang out with me?  we can do anything, no need for serious plans.  whatever together.)

Don't change your name Keep it the same For fear I may lose you again I know you won't It's just that I am unorganized And I want to find you when Something good happens

If you come down We'll go to town I haven't been there for years But I'd be fine Wasting our time Not doing anything here Just doing nothing

We'll sit for days And talk about things Important to us like whatever We'll defuse bombs Walk marathons And take home whatever together

Whatever together

My Chemical Romance - The Only Hope for Me is You (okay maybe we have a little trauma abt the apocalypse, anyway i love you?)

Where were you when All of the embers fell I still remember there Covered in ash Covered in glass Covered in all my friends I still Think of the bombs they built

If that's the best that I could be? Than I'd be another memory Can I be the only hope for you? Because you're the only hope for me And if we can't find where we belong, We'll have to make it on our own Face all the pain and take it on Because the only hope for me is you alone

How it should you be Many years after the disasters that we've seen What we have learned Other than people burn in purifying flame

I say it's okay I know you can tell And though you can see me smile I still Think of the guns they sell

Delta Spirit - Yamaha (Az POV, I’m sorry about the wait, I love you too)

I've been alone too many nights Too proud to tell you when you're right A little patience would have helped me then A lot like the break has been the common standard All the angels above the earth I prayed Said this message right into her head There's certain things in life I cannot take And I will wait

I hope you know I care I hope you know I care

So cold, I know you can't believe it Sometimes you gotta face the feelin' You don't care if you don't get up again There's a thousand things I will not understand (I hope you know I care) Now you're dealin' with the hell I put you through If I had my way I would be right there next to you There's certain things in life you cannot change There's certain things

I hope you know I care

Tally Hall - The Whole World and You (Crowley POV?)

There's lots of pretty people here Sharing soltries and passing letters and

There's lots of questions answered and Metaphysical astronomical songs

Words printed all on papers That seemed too mystical It's so magical

People that dance and compute that No one's better then you ...  I hope you're happy now I've revealed the truth I've even written this whole song about you And not about me And not about me

Please don't just laugh and clap right now This is serious I'm not delirious

I've waited very patiently Just to let you know Who should run the show

Cause we all know these are the facts Nothing to retract Nothing too abstract

Concluding in the song I'll say No one's better than you

Ashley Eriksson - Island Song (South Downs cottage)

Come along with me To a town beside the sea We can wander through the forest And do so as we please Come along with me To a cliff under a tree Where we'll gaze upon the water As an everlasting dream All of my affections I give them all to you Maybe by next summer We won't have changed our tune I still want to be In this town beside the sea Making up new numbers And living so merrily All of my affections I give them all to you I'll be here for you always And always be for you Come along with me To a town beside the sea We can wander through the forest And do so as we please Living so merrily

The Mountain Goats - Genesis 30:3

I remember seeing you, my tongue struck dumb When you first came here from wherever it was you came from The power in your voice, your rough touch You keeping care of me, keeping watch ... For several hours we lay there, last ones of our kind Harder days coming, maybe I don't mind Sounds kind of dumb when I say it, but it's true I would do anything for you

Open up the promise of the day Drive the dark things away I will do what you ask me to do Because of how I feel about you 

The Civil Wars - C’est La Mort (stay with me forever?)

Swan dive down eleven stories high Hold your breath until you see the light You can sink to the bottom of the sea Just don't go without me

Go get lost where no one can be found Drink so long and deep until you drown Say your goodbyes but darling if you please Don't go without me

C'est la vie C'est la mort You and me Forevermore

Let's walk down the road that has no end Steal away where only angels tread Heaven or hell or somewhere in between Cross your heart to take me when you leave Don't go, please don't go Don't go without me

The Magnetic Fields - When my Boy Walks Down the Street

Grand pianos crash together when my boy walks down the street There are whole new kinds of weather when he walks with his new beat Everyone sings hallelujah when my boy walks down the street Life just kind of dances through ya from your smile down to your feet

Amazing he's a whole new form of life Blue eyes blazing and he's going to be my wife

Sufjan Stevens - With My Whole Heart

And you're all I want (I fell in love, I fell in love the moment that I met you) And you're all I need (I give my life, I give my love, promise I will protect you) And you're all I've got (I will not rest until I know the best is always with you) And I still believe (I confess the world's a mess but I will always love you)

Tally Hall (edu) - Nowhere Else

There’s nowhere else I’d rather be Than in this moment you and me No place else I’d rather go No one else I’d rather know ... When the daylight turns to dusk Our energy a cosmic dust Trust with that in which you feel Love til the end ... love the lost and love the loved live below and love above love the earth and love the trees love those who give their lives for peace love all you call your family love you found a place to be love the ones with whom you fight love the ones who spend the night love the rich and love the poor love for want and want for more love the smile and simple things like those who want to live to sing love the ghost of what has passed love the trying till the last love the sick and love the strong love all who'll learn to get along

Frank Sinatra - I’ve Got a Crush on You

I'm your big and brave and handsome Romeo How I won you I shall never never know It's not that you're attractive But, oh, my heart grew active When you came into view I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie All the day and night-time hear me sigh I never had the least notion that I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, could you care For a cunning cottage we could share The world will pardon my mush 'Cause I have got a crush on you

Miracle Musical - Dream Sweet in Sea Major

Children born of one emotion Our devotion's deepest ocean No division reasoned we'll be Free

To know We are beyond a bow And lo, the hues arrange to show It's perfectly clear

You look quite divine tonight Here among these vibrant lights Pure delights surround us as we sail Signed, yours truly, the whale

Joy mirage's kingdom come No one left at stake Now that existence is on the wake Let's see what we can make

Apart is wholly ending A line in any final song So long so far

We will be atoning At last eternal through the past Above a blinding star

[shirlleycoyle]

The Tamagotchi Cemetery

This article was originally published on Burials and Beyond. You can subscribe to the Burials and Beyond Patreon here.

“I thought it would be better for him here because I didn’t really want to reset him because it would be like a different thing and I was really close to him. I know that sounds stupid, but I was. But you can bury your pets and if you love something else, you can bury them as well.”

So said young mourner Danielle Perren in 1997.

Interring her pet into the beautiful farmland of Pontsmill, Cornwall, Danielle’s beloved friend was placed into a tiny wooden coffin and buried in a small square grave, there to rest in peace. Danielle’s grief was very real, but her pet? Not so much. That was a Tamagotchi.

In 1996, Japanese toy designers Aki Maita and Yokoi Akihiro debuted the first ever Tamagotchi. The tiny plastic case held the world’s first virtual pet, which, despite being a simple arrangement of pixels, required constant care and attention, lest the creature perish. Released by Bandai, the egg-shaped toy was one of the biggest fads of the 90s, maintaining a surprising popularity over the decades, with over 82 million units sold as of 2017.

The name itself is a portmanteau of two Japanese words; ‘tamago’, meaning ‘egg’ and ‘uotchi’, meaning watch. Considering the product is an egg shaped toy, the size of a watch…it seems to be pretty solid marketing.

​Image: ​​​Mathieu Polak/Sygma/ Sygma via Getty Images​

Those of us who were at school in the 90s will vividly recall a classroom of incessant bleeps and cries of ‘I’ve gotta feed ‘im’, before the eggs were promptly and unsurprisingly banned from schoolyards. From this grew a strange, rarely remembered, sideline in individuals who would take your Tamagotchi into daycare, feeding and washing them (via tiny button clicks) until you could return from school or work. As bizarre as it sounds, after recently discovering a pair of 25-year old Tamagotchi survivors, I believe nothing to be impossible.

The Tamagotchi interface is incredibly simple, with most utilising three buttons, which correspond to care functions of the creature. The pet, should it live that long, is designed to go through a basic life cycle of Baby, Child, Teenager and Adult (with later versions adding a hopeful Senior option). However, the majority of Tamagotchis had brief, fleeting lives before succumbing to death through a child’s negligence.

While many parents bought their offspring Tamagotchis as toys, others thought that a child taking responsibility for a digital creature would be an ideal pre-pet investment, to see if they were mature enough to understand the needs of another living thing. While this is an ideal moralistic exercise, what occurred in reality was a pocket of brief generational trauma where young children woke up to find that, after sleeping though muted midi cries of hunger at 3am, their new toy had perished overnight. You killed your first pet.

​Image: ​​​Mathieu Polak/Sygma/ Sygma via Getty Images​

This culpability for death is one of the strangest qualities in toy history; even the death of shoals of Sea Monkeys failed to elicit such a primal reaction of grief and blame from the very young. In the new world of portable digital pets, they were expected to entertain, but not truly die. This element of blame, guilt and finality was truly amped up in the early Japanese models where a ghost and headstone would meet the neglectful owner. In more recent English-language variants, this cemetery scene was substituted for an angel of death, or a cheery little UFO, popping in to take the Tamagotchi back to its home planet. Once you’ve inadvertently murdered your new pal, the game can be reset and you’re trusted with a strange egg baby once more.

The Tamagotchi in its many forms has never shied away from death, addressing the finality of existence in its cheery little game, but also in its genuinely bizarre cartoon.

In the ninth episode of the original tie-in anime, titled ‘The First Death’, several little creatures gather and weep inconsolably at the bedside of a dying Tamagotchi (Ginjirotchi),after a small yellow doctor with mouse ears (Mametchi) confirms death. Quickly, the soul of the deceased is surrounded by tiny little angels, who guide it to the pearly gates and Tamagotchi heaven, which is mainly pink clouds and sweets. Suddenly, the sweets disappear in a cruel trap and the Tamagotchi is tormented by little bat creatures with forks (Deviltchi), before being rescued once more and taken back into hyper-cute heaven where everyone sits down and has pudding together. The whole affair lasts a matter of minutes and is as brilliant as it is disconcerting.

I never owned a Tamagotchi in my 90s heyday, as my mother couldn’t afford the indulgence. Instead, I had a knock-off variant, a Giga Pet called ‘Compu Kitty’ from Woolworths, with which I was utterly chuffed. (I still have it to this day, unable to part with the luminous yellow crap plastic atrocity.)

I vividly remember crying when I woke up for school one morning and the pixelated cat had breathed its last. But one reset later, those tears dried, and after another six hours came another death. After that, the circle of life seemed rather less majestic and a more predictable cycle of button pushing and bleeps.

In 1996, a pet cemetery in Pontsmill, Cornwall was the first to diversify their interments and fence off a dedicated section for the burial of electronic pets. When CNN reported in 1997, they equated this very modern mourning with the established love that British people have of their traditional, breathing pets.

On January 17th 1997, two teenage girls were in Cornwall to bury their Tamagotchis, named Sid and Arty, two consoles never to be reset.

My first thought was very outdated parental shock, as Tamagotchi’s weren’t terribly cheap when they came out and to bury a brand new toy seems awfully wasteful. Taking another expensive trip to Argos wouldn’t have gone down too well in my household.

However, 14-year-old Danielle was strong in her resolve and placed the little plastic contraption into the earth. She was not alone in her beliefs either, as cemetery owner Terry Squires revealed that many international burials had been carried out in his Cornish field. Tamagotchis from as far afield as Switzerland, Germany, France, Canada and America had all been laid to rest in his pet cemetery, with many more on the way.

However, looking at Pontsmill today, there are no mentions to be found of deceased cyberpets, with the business promoting itself solely as a pet cemetery and green burial site for traditional human interments. I would be curious to know if the rudimentary headstones remain, or if the Tamagotchis and their mournful batteries were turned over or forgotten as many other crazes came and went.

For those who wanted to memorialise their Tamagotchis, but didn’t fancy burying the case in the garden, there were several online cemeteries and memorial sites for dead digital pets, where eulogies, ages and causes of death could be recorded in one enormous late 90s census.

Today, there are a handful of online Tamagotchi cemeteries still functioning, if long-abandoned. However, records of their digital death and memorials remain in sites such as Tama Talk’s Memorial page. These old GeoCities or Angelfire websites are framed in pixelated gifs and solemn MIDI music where you must adjust your eyes to decipher the spidery text against questionable repeated wallpaper. In these simple databases, names and brief epitaphs are recorded; some sincere, some dismissive and some simply odd:

Banjo – Cause of Death: Died taking the biggest crap you’ve ever seen.

Joe the Dinosaur – Cause of Death: Accidental Resetting.

‘My poor Joe. The first born. He had a good life and was taken care of very well It was unfortunate that his life had to come to such an abrupt end, whilst living in a jeans pocket. We shall all miss him very dearly.’

These eulogies and epitaphs are time capsules of young people’s first interactions with death and loss, where an essay can prove as impactful as an unplanned tumble into a bathtub. There’s a certain importance of a digital emotional connection in childhood that deserves to remain memorialised, and not lost to the ether.

The levels of emotional investment that we have with digital media, and computers in particular, has been tracked by researchers since the 1980s. Alan Turing said in his 1950 paper ‘Can Machines Think?’ that we can judge the intelligence of a computer by its performance in conversation with man. Namely, if the computer is able to convince the human subject that they are talking to a fellow human and not a machine, then human-equivalent intelligence can be determined. This test became known as the ‘Turing Test’ and is still studied and implemented today in experiments of navigating artificial technology, or the ability of ‘bots’ to mimic human interaction.

In the intervening decades, it has been noted that people attribute an increased level of personhood to a computer, not least in terms of pre-programmed gameplay. Therefore, if a Tamagotchi was able to incite very real joy and grief from its user or owner, it could be seen as the first great wave of artificial intelligence in the western world.

In more extreme contemporary circumstances, man’s relationship with digital games has snowballed. While in terms of toys, other digital pets like the Furby, Poo-Chi (which I did own briefly, but was swiftly broken by my portly, recently-divorced father screaming into its microphone on Christmas day. I’m over it. It’s fine.) or even NeoPets virtual pet community have not brought about the same primal love and devotion as the humble Tamagotchi. Perhaps it was the inevitability of death that separated our love for the Tama from its immortal digital counterparts.

However, interactions with digital gameplay appear to have moved in two separate directions; ambivalence and devotion.

Today, electronic games and pets are commonplace, providing no new emotional experiences for children who have grown up within the digital age, where entertainment can be accessed at the click of a button and nothing is finite.

On the other hand, there are instances of individuals such as a 27-year old Japanese man named Sal 9000 (the only name he would provide to the press), who was so emotionally invested in the DS Game ‘Love Plus’, decided to marry the main avatar in a lavish, if highly controversial ceremony in 2009. When questioned as to whether he could truly love a digital, pre-programmed woman, he explained that “I love this character, not a machine.” Going on to say that “I understand 100 percent that this is a game. I understand very well that I cannot marry her physically or legally.”

However, his preference for the digital, predictable and placid provoked far more discussion. Explaining that Nene Anegasakiwas better than a ‘real’ girlfriend, he listed her perks, stating that, “She doesn’t get angry if I’m late in replying to her. Well, she gets angry, but she forgives me quickly.”[1]

Sal is not alone in his preference and several others have followed in his stead, marrying digital characters in ceremonies across the world. In 2018, Japan hit the headlines again as 35-year-old school administrator Akihiko Kondo married the hologram of video game character, Hatsune Miku. Whether these marriages will last when the bride’s updates are discontinued is another matter, but our changing relationship with life, love, and death in the digital age is undeniable.

On which note, I’ll thank you for taking this strange journey with me and take my leave. My Compu Kitty needs feeding.

The Tamagotchi Cemetery syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

[indecisivealy-blog]

Fatal Fun.

As i gasped for air, struggling… frantic and clawing at my throat, everything slowed down. My only surroundings a blurry glimpse of the radio that read 11:21pm. The lights from the gas pumps grew dim. A high pitched ringing in my ears, and my shallow slow breathing were now the sound track to my life. My heart struggled, picking up pace so rapidly only to come to an abrupt stop, skip, a massive thud causing my body to jerk, than repeat. It all became so quiet after that, so empty…but peaceful somehow for the moment? I no longer heard the air entering and leaving my lungs. No longer could i hear my heart hanging on for dear life, convincing itself it could make it, only to meet face to face with failure in the end of its struggle. The high pitched ringing faded out and… complete and total silence. Haunting silence. Unable to literally hear a single thing. Where am I? Greeted by a darkness so thick, so cold you stand frozen unable to attempt a step forward, fingers go unnoticed an inch from my face. Every single thing is cancelled out, if i gathered the courage to say hello, would it even be heard, would it make any sort of sound? Im not alone here, i can feel others.. or things all around me. Are they trapped as well, or very familiar with this place, are they able to see me stiff and absolutely terrified? It was in no way welcoming and although i wanted nothing more than my vision, i could honestly say i don’t know if i would be prepared to see what may be lurking near by….. How did this happen, and how did i get here, outside i felt my body growing stiffer, while inside i begged for release, screaming, fighting, jolting, scratching at my body looking for a way out, i’m fighting for a way out within myself… because physically i haven’t lifted a finger! Drained and powerless, it was in this moment that i had finally realized… i was dead. You would think common sense would have kicked in and i would have asked myself, what did you expect? I had been on this selfish suicide mission for 10 years now, pumping my body full of these powerful poisons… i deserved this, the cowards way out. Forever engraved on my tombstone “The sick and twisted junkie” thats all i’ll be remembered for now, and i only have myself to blame. This was nothing like the stories i heard growing up. There was no bright light to guide me, no pearly gates where my loved ones stand to welcome me with open arms, Jesus didn’t take my hand, only to tell me its not my time… along with a persuasive speech on purpose, and why i need to go back in promises of returning to my safe haven, my personal paradise for eternity once my time on earth was officially up. No, none of that… just this empty, dark abyss, the in between maybe? I stand so restless in a place where time does not exist, everything i have ever known is no longer relevant. Has it already been days, weeks? The thought process on this alone was driving me insane, i’m completely mad. My mind is going a million miles a minute and just as i try to break a single thought down into making sense, to puzzle some sort of plan together out of its foggy bits and pieces, another begins. My thoughts come to a screeching halt when i suddenly feel a vibrating warmth in the middle of my chest, it was unlike anything i have ever felt before, everything about it felt safe, and comforting…. it slowly and gently consumed every fiber of my being, i trusted this. Slowly i felt my functions flicking on like a light switch, i can hear you!… this was not english, this was no language known to man, but i have never understood something so quickly and clearly, a mesmerizing sound, that was brilliant and bright, leaving a hushed hum in your ears, making sure the words spoken stay embedded forever, this voice would never go unheard once needed or asked for, you just have to be willing to receive it. There was no mistaking who had just put my mind, body, and soul at complete ease. I’m glowing… radiating life again. When just as quickly as i ended up in the darkness, sudden shock therapy to my vessel, and blood flow to my heart, once again jolted me up right in that drivers seat. Every nerve ending on fire, my bones ached and every hair now stood straight up sending a chill down my spine as my soul grasped on tight, re attaching itself to my temple I forever took for granted. The gas station lights began to buzz and grow brighter as my blurry vision fought for focus, i settled them right back on the radio waiting for reality to set in and the consequences that may await me. The time now read 2:00 am and i had gone completely unnoticed for all that time…. This cant be, there is literally no possible way, none of this made sense to me because the impossible now became very much possible. An overwhelming wave of emotion washed over me, something i had not had to deal with for years, it twisted my stomach and the guilt lodged in my throat leaving me breathless, and i began to break down, sobbing, shocked, and trembling in total disbelief at everything that occurred and the awful realization that i’m still the same sick person. God saved my life, someone i no longer allowed in my life, someone i turned my back on while leaping in the arms of satan himself and laid suffocating in his tight embrace, yet i was extremely content with that. I no longer believed in anything i once cared so strongly about. Yet you found me, stiff, cold, and lifeless and kissed me when i needed you most and with that you returned my life to me but you would not do it again under such circumstances… Your exact words “i brought you back and i wont do it again” Knowing that my next fatal injection would leave me stuck forever in something much worse than my first encounter… a forever endless loop in heroin hell. As i began wiping away my tears attempting to gather myself my phone lit up. It was my mom who was in Nashville at the time on business, and i couldn’t believe she was awake. i scrambled and struggled to get a grip on the phone, once i did a swipe opened a text simply read “just read a story about a girl back home that O.D and her baby starved to death” The heart stopping, gut wrenching feeling left me momentarily paralyzed and everything suddenly made sense. The crying didn’t let up after this, and i took a minute before driving away from the place i will forever remember as my almost permanent death bed. The whole way back i picked my self apart starting with day one. I have to escape this sickness, i have to get out of here.

-Aly