#it’s truly a disorienting thing to see so much hypocrisy present in one place

[oh-katsuki]

cw: christianity and catholicism, mentions of suicide, im honestly just talking abt the christian church’s stance on suicide because I honestly cannot fathom it

anyway don’t read this if ur not interested in me talking abt this. it’s rly quite boring but I had a thought in the shower that reminded me of this so… ya know

i wanna preface this by saying that I mean no disrespect to those who practice or following christianity or catholicism. im not trying to shit on anyones religion bc I am a firm believer in practicing what you practice. I’m just kind of thinking out loud here. I’m also aware that this might not be true in all of the different branches of christianity, but it is true in the branches that I have experienced and grew up in. so please… ya know keep that in mind.

so for those of you who don’t know, I was raised catholic and attended catholic schools all the way until high school. now like… setting aside the trauma of being young and queer in spaces where being queer was expressly not allowed, what really turned me away from the religion in my adult years is probably the church’s stance on suicide and the casual cruelty inherent in the structure of the church.

I’m a pretty open-minded person when it comes to spiritual things. i want to believe in the existence of a higher power out there who is looking out for me and my loved ones and the beings on earth. i truly want to believe that I’ll be able to see my loved ones even after they have gone. the idea of life after death is very appealing to me.

ive done my own personal research into religion as a whole, including the concept of spirituality which has always really appealed to me. that being said, having growing up around catholicism and christianity, it was always something that was within reach and at the back of my mind just by way of exposure.

still (and setting aside the other CLEAR problems with those particular religions), what keeps me from fully embracing that religion is the stance the followers of jesus (and I say this to include most religions who believe jesus was the son of god) have on those who commit suicide. for those of you who don’t know, christians and catholics believe that someone who commits suicide doesn’t go to heaven because they destroyed a creation of god.

i have never, in all of my 20 years, been able to reconcile the anger and injustice that stance makes me feel. every time i think I’m getting closer to that religion, I am painfully reminded that they worship a god who does not welcome some of his deepest sufferers into his realm. i cannot fathom that stance.

it’s always been a huge thing keeping me from further exploring christianity (because I have no interest nor belief in the catholic church). speaking from the perspective of those who carry those beliefs, god creates and loves all of his people. he cares for them as he would children and under his protection we are meant to thrive. i have never been able to reconcile following a god who willingly (according to the beliefs of many christians) gives the children he loves so dearly tests that would drive them to feel like they don’t want to be alive, only to deprive them of the heaven promised because they could not withstand them.

a lot of christians believe that hardships in their lives are because god has given them something to overcome. they also believe that someone could be the most devout follower of Jesus and be denied entry into the pearly gates because they committed suicide. i cannot reconcile those facts side by side.

there is something so incredibly cruel about a group of people following the ideology that debilitating mental illness to the point of suicide is a test given by god and that failure to survive means spending eternity in hell. there is something so cruel about humans looking at those who’ve passed on by way of suicide and believing that their god would not welcome them and comfort them.

i cannot understand or fathom that. i cannot fathom wanting to be a part of a community of people that believes that. i have never been able to understand believing a god who doesn’t offer peace to those struggling the most.

and I’ve never been able to understand it. as someone who has been in that position around the time I was being given a catholic education, it was harrowing to think that the god that was supposed to love me wouldn’t offer me comfort or solace because I had suicidal thoughts that I couldn’t control. it was absolutely and truly terrifying to believe that god was willing to abandon those suffering so deeply that they would override the human instinct to survive.

the draw of christianity (and I say christianity even though many religions have this same goal because the religious belief I’m talking about specifically refers to christianity) is that you find peace with god. it is that you find a support and love you would not have found elsewhere. the idea that the very same god who promises to love all of his children as equals would deny eternal peace to someone who suffered so deeply in life, is truly and deeply harrowing to me.

it has and I think it will always keep me from truly considering and being open-minded about christianity. i cant understand where that type of self righteous cruelty from a community that claims to be compassionate comes from.

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

I’m Billy Graham’s granddaughter. Evangelical support for Donald Trump insults his legacy.

American evangelist Billy Graham preaches to over half a million South Koreans at a plaza on Yoido Island in Seoul on June 3, 1973.

By supporting Donald Trump, evangelical leaders are failing us and failing the Gospel. Christian women must step up where our church leaders won't.

Jerushah Duford, Opinion contributor

USA TODAY Opinion • August 27, 2020

As a proud granddaughter of the man largely credited for beginning the evangelical movement, the late Billy Graham, the past few years have led me to reflect on how much has changed within that movement in America.

I have spent my entire life in the church, with every big decision guided by my faith. But now I feel homeless. Like so many others, I feel disoriented as I watch the church I have always served turn its eyes away from everything it teaches. I hear from Christian women on a daily basis who all describe the same thing: a tug at their spirit.

Most of these women walked into a voting booth in 2016 believing they were choosing between two difficult options. They held their breath, closed their eyes and cast a vote for Donald Trump, whom many of us then believed to be “the lesser of two evils,” all the while feeling that tug.

Jerushah Duford and grandfather Billy Graham in Montreat, North Carolina, in 2016.

I feel it every time our president talks about government housing having no place in America’s suburbs. Jesus said repeatedly to defend the poor and show kindness and compassion to those in need. Our president continues to perpetuate an us-versus-them narrative, yet almost all of our church leaders say nothing.

I feel this tug every time our president or his followers speak about the wall, designed to keep out the very people Scripture tells us to welcome. In Trump’s America, refugees are not treated as “native born,” as Scripture encourages. Instead, families are separated, held in inconceivable conditions and cast aside as less than.

The church honors Trump before God

Trump has gone so far as to brag about his plans, accomplishments and unholy actions toward the marginalized communities I saw my grandfather love and serve. I now see, through the silence of church leaders, that these communities are no longer valued by individuals claiming to uphold the values my grandfather taught.

The gentle tug became an aggressive yank, for me, earlier this year, when our country experienced division in the form of riots, incited in great part by this president’s divisive rhetoric. I watched our president walk through Lafayette Square in Washington, D.C., after the tear gassing of peaceful protesters for a photo op.

He held a Bible, something so sacred to all of us, yet he treated that Bible with a callousness that would offend anyone intimately familiar with the words inside it. He believed that action would honor him and only him. However, the church, designed to honor God, said nothing.

It seems that the only evangelical leaders to speak up praised the president, with no mention of his behavior that is antithetical to the Jesus we serve. The entire world has watched the term “evangelical” become synonymous with hypocrisy and disingenuousness.

My faith and my church have become a laughing stock, and any attempt by its members to defend the actions of Trump at this time sound hollow and insincere.

One of my grandfather’s favorite verses was Micah 6:8, in which we are told that the Lord requires of his people to do justly, to love kindness and mercy, and to walk humbly. These are the attributes of our faith we should present to the world. We can no longer allow our church leaders to represent our faith so erroneously.

Women of faith know better

I have given myself permission to lean into that tug at my spirit and speak out. I may be against the tide, but I am firm in my faith that this step is most consistent with my church and its teachings.

At a recent large family event, I was pulled aside by many female family members thanking me for speaking out against an administration with which they, too, had been uncomfortable. With tears in their eyes, they used a hushed tone, out of fear that they were alone or at risk of undeserved retribution.

How did we get here? How did we, as God-fearing women, find ourselves ignoring the disrespect and misogyny being shown from our president? Why do we feel we must express our discomfort in hushed whispers in quiet corners? Are we not allowed to stand up when it feels everyone else around us is sitting down?

The God we serve empowers us as women to represent Him before our churches. We represent God before we represented any political party or leader. When we fail to remember this, we are minimizing the role He created for us to fill. Jesus loved women; He served women; He valued women. We need to give ourselves permission to stand up to do the same.

If a plane gets even slightly off course, it will never reach its destination without a course correction. Perhaps this journey for us women looks similar. Perhaps you cringe at the president suggesting that America’s “suburban housewife” cares more about her status than those in need, but try to dismiss comments on women’s appearance as fake news.

When we look at our daughters, our nieces, our female students, and even ourselves, we feel the need to lean into that tug on our spirit. You might not have felt it four years ago; we do the best with what we know at the time. However, if we continue to ignore the tug we now feel, how will we ever be able to identify what is truly important to us?

I chose to listen to my spirit to speak out. Not because doing so feels comfortable, but because it feels like the right way to leverage the voice God has empowered me with. Now I am asking all of you who feel as I do, to embrace your inner tug, and allow it to lead you to use the power of your God-given voice and not allow Trump to lead this country for another four years.

Jerushah Duford is an evangelical author, speaker and member of Lincoln Women, a coalition of women in the Lincoln Project.

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