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gentil-minou · 3 years ago

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Why the sentiadrien theory scares us...and why it might actually be a wonderful narrative for therapeutic healing

So when I'm not shit posting on tumblr or flailing about ml, I'm a therapist working with kids Mari and Adrien's age. One of the reasons I was drawn to this show was how amazing it works as a metaphor for mental health and therapeutic healing.

Originally when I heard the sentiadrien theory, I was terrified because with it were all these painful complications I hadn't considered...

But when I really sat down and thought about it, I figured out how if done well sentiadrien has the potential to make Adrien's story more compelling than anything we might have thought... I also find it fascinating how the fandom is reacting to it and how it might be related to the way a fan handles grief, mental health, and the loss of hope.

I wanted to take the time to explore why the sentiadrien hurts some fans so much, to the point where they can't accept it. I also wanted to offer reassurance to those who do, because I truly think the sentiadrien theory is the best theory we have that will allow Adrien to heal and finally be free.

I'm not here to convert anyone into believing this theory, I only want to provide reassurance to those who feel pain because of it.

Disclaimer: I'm a therapist but I am not your therapist. If any of what I say offends you I'm sorry, this does not apply to every fan and is more a hypothesis than anything else. In addition, if you are in need of support please reach out to those around you and get the help you need. I strongly believe that everyone has the opportunity to get better and live their best lives.

But before we can talk about sentiadrien, we have to look at the character Adrien and his impact on his fans.

From the get go, to the fandom Adrien represents sunshine and hope. We literally see Adrien breaking free from his chains and striving for freedom. Whether or not you consider what he's been through as abuse, it's clear he has been craving a better world. Throughout the show, we watch him healing slowly. He makes friends, falls in love, develops new interests, makes jokes and values his time as Chat Noir. I've always thought this show is an excellent metaphor for mental health and the therapeutic journey, and like we can compare Marinette with anxiety and self-esteem issues (i could go into a whole separate analysis on that girl), we can say Adrien is a metaphor for the the struggles people with depression and trauma go through. He represents what happens when someone's mental health is getting better, when someone is starting their therapeutic journey towards healing.

Personally I think season 4 is tackling that last big shackle that traps Adrien. It's painful right now but the end will include Adrien finally being able to share those demons he doesn't know how to share just yet.

Now what does this mean for his fans?

Although not everyone is like this, people often turn to fandom as a way of coping with their own mental health. Seeing a character struggling with their figurative or literal demons and being able to make it out and get their happy ending is very therapeutic. And while most of us don't have a literal supervillain for a dad or dress in a leather catsuit, we can relate to Adrien's worries regarding freedom, being chained, trapped, and that desire to get out, especially those of us who have struggled with depression, emotional abuse, neglect, isolation, etc.

Fans can look to Adrien and identify with him and maybe even rely on him as their emotional support. They find they can relate to him and that he gives them hope it will get better. It happens a lot with a lot of shows but Adrien is sunshine boy who has hard times but can still smile and laugh even though there is still pain, it makes sense to have him as an emotional support character. He represents healing.

"If a character like him can get better, can be free and happy, then I can too."

He represents our hope.

This is where the sentiadrien discourse happens and why i think it provides valuable info for fandom psychology, particularly for fans who are anti-sentiadrien.

Let's consider the way sentimonsters were introduced in the show, created as a tool, an object to be used and discarded. They're different than an akuma which is purified, sentis are taken away and never seen again. We can compare it to those of us striving for freedom, and that fear of never getting it. For example senti-Ladybug, the only senti we have seen be freed from their chains...was destroyed regardless.

The implications of that episode were that even if we can win back control, are we really free? Did we really win? Can we really not be destroyed or can we lose again? This is something I see a lot with those healing from trauma, the fear that their freedom is fleeting.

There's also the whole senti"monster" bit. People don't like hearing they are considered a monster, there are some other implications there as well. But it implies outcast or segregation, discrimination. Plenty of real-world painful concepts in the word itself. To apply it to the character we identify the most with might make us believe that we too are monsters, and that hurts.

A lot of the discomfort also stems from the idea that this would be emotionally crushing for Adrien, and we who can relate to him can empathize almost too much with him.

To have thought you were getting better, improving everyday, having the ability to make your own choices and the chance to be free, then losing it because were you ever really free? All that healing, just to lose again? But the sentiadrien theory implies there is none, that at the end Adrien is going to be controlled and the freedom he worked hard to get is going to go away and he will be back in the dark place he was at the beginning of the show. That is a very real fear a lot of people have. So the theory kinda takes that hope and throws it in the trash

So now we've established that the implication behind sentiadrien can be traumatic and painful, how on earth could it be possible for Adrien to grow from it?

Well first, we need to talk about what it means to heal from trauma.

The way I handle trauma is by helping people reclaim their safety and empowering them, showing them that despite it all they made it through and are tougher than they think.

What that doesn't mean is telling them that their trauma wasn't real, that their feelings aren't valid, that they should forgive their abusers, that their pain and experiences didn't matter. THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS MEANS.

That's also not what the sentiadrien theory means. It doesn't mean that Adrien's experiences were somehow not real. It doesn't mean his abuse wasn't real. It doesn't mean that his feelings are invalid. It doesn't. The way he came into the world might have been different, but at the end of the day, his experiences were REAL.

Even if Adrien is a senti-being, he is STILL Adrien, he will always be sunshine cat boy. He's real.

So now we get to the point of this: Why the sentiadrien theory has some amazing storytelling potential.

I always thought this show was an excellent way to describe mental health and the therapeutic journey in general. (I've used it to describe the CBT triangle with some clients with great success! Let me know if people want to hear about it because seriously it's some amazing comparisons) And sentiadrien is a perfect, real and raw metaphor for healing from trauma.

People think that sentiadrien will erase Adrien's trauma and make him less than a real person, essentially confirming a fan's inner fears that their pain is not real or invalid.

In reality, it would actually do the opposite and empower Adrien.

When working with trauma using TF-CBT, a major component is the use of a trauma narrative where people with PTSD tell the story of their trauma, from their point of view, free of criticism and invalidation. A chance for them to take their story and tell it, their way.

For years, Adrien never had a chance to tell his story, his way. Even if he wasn't a senti-being, he has always been controlled by his dad and probably his mom too. Becoming Chat Noir was Adrien's way of breaking free, but he hasn't dealt with or addressed any of his trauma. It's been pushed to the side, to be dealt with never.

But if he's a senti, he will have to address what happened to him and face the fundamental question he has in season 4: Does he belong, is he needed?

@coccinelle-et-chaton once said it very well: "abuse victims that relate to Adrien already have difficulties legitimizing their own emotions and are constantly double-guessing themselves. The fact that the character you relate to bc of your trauma turns out to be "magic" even though that does not negate his emotions, can elicit a powerful reaction bc deep down you just want to be acknowledged."

And to those who share those sentiments, I want to ask them this: Is your trauma real? And if Adrien is a senti, does that make him any less real?

And the answer is yes, they are.

If the writers can do it (and I actually sincerely think they can), being a senti could mean Adrien learning to take control of himself while dealing with his "trauma", and even eventually reclaiming his life and freedom through getting control of his amok.

Thus showing that despite the trauma and pain and depression and anxiety, he can still live a normal life. He is still real.

That's essentially what treating PTSD is, we cant make the trauma go away but we can take back control, while allowing those who struggle with it to realize their experiences and feelings are real and valid. To show that despite it all, we can live and keep going. And that actually avoiding the trauma or not thinking about it makes the whole situation worse. If Adrien is a senti, he will face that and he will come out stronger for it.

Despite everything, sentiAdrien is inarguably, indelibly real. (Something even Thomas Astruc has discussed in his twitter responses.)

Adrien is real, just like a viewer's trauma and mental health is real.

And that despite it all, even during the hardest and bleakest time, you are real and you can keep living. Your struggles and past are part of you, but they don't define you.

Like how sentiAdrien isn't just a senti, he's a kid, a friend, a hero, and so, so much more. Just like how he is so much more than being a senti, you are so much more than your trauma.

Your trauma doesn't control you, only you can.

Like Adrien if he gets control of his amok.

Picture this, we discover Adrien was a senti,

Created by his parents to be "the perfect son" and it hurts....hurts worse than anything else ever has and ever could.

Every worst fear, that is is replaceable, unimportant, invalid, unneeded, unwanted, come to the forefront of his mind.

But wait...he isn't just a senti...he's a human. He is, he was created to be yes, but he's still a person.

But not just any person, he's a hero. He's Chat Noir, wearer of the black cat miraculous...

Destruction itself.

And, just like how Mari can use Creation to create anything, Adrien can use destruction to break anything....

Including the magic that binds him to his amok, to his creater, that keeps him from his freedom.

Picture this: Adrien's power-up is what helps him take back control and lets him take control of himself, and his life.

He takes back his own freedom. And proves, most importantly to himself, that he DOES belong. He doesn't need some creator or someone else to tell him that. He can tell himself that, and that's the ONLY voice who matters.

In Summary,

The sentiadrien theory has scary implications and it is painful to think about, but it also has the potential for tremendous growth and healing. In fact, i think sentiadrien would cover multiple mental health avenues and ml has always done a wonderful job with mental health analysis and therapeutic healing.

And our boy is in deep denial mode with his emotions, finding out he's a senti would be super helpful in helping him open the door and start processing them.

It also shows that we don't always get a successful upward curve of progress. Sometimes we have dips and low lows and sometimes we hit rock bottom again. But we get back up, and we keep going and we keep living. We have control of our own destinies and our own lives, and Adrien will too. (Remember: ML is a kids show, we aren't going to have a tragic ending)

But despite it all:

Being a senti-being doesn't make Adrien any less of a character. It doesn't make him less of a person, it doesn't make him someone whose experiences matter any less than Mari or Nino or Gabe or anyone. He is real, just like them. His feelings, his thoughts, his experiences, his pain, his hope, and his dreams matter.

Just like yours do.

Note: please feel free to ask any questions, I love this topic and could talk about ml and mental health for ages. Just remember I'm not your therapist and for true support and care I always recommend going to a pro.

Edit: Someone asked if being a senti invalidates Adrien's existence, here is my response

#gotta post this now because i think this season will either debunk or confirm this theory #can also see this being the thing that divides the fandom worse than ever #i just want to share with those who might need it #but to be clear #you dont have to like this theory or anything #i just want to provide reassurance to those who feel deep pain because of its implications #please read this i spent over 2 hours on this hahdjkskdsjjdjdme #trauma #but through the eyes if a cartoon heh #miraculous ladybug #ml meta #ml theory #sentiadrien #adrien agreste #chat noir #miraculous tales of ladybug and chat noir #mlb #ml #anti-sentiadrien #if thats even a tag #sentimonster #sentimonster adrien #really should change the name to senti-being #i mean peacock was originally used for good sooooo #sentiguardian #that fits i think #dhhfjdjsjjd ill stop now #bushy's brain barf #ml psychology #bushy overthinks things

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sweetmotherof · 4 years ago

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Haikyuu Fics: The Classics™️ (pt 2)

PART 1

I already thought of more, and I didn’t want my first part to be super long, so here is a part 2!! I’ll probably make another couple of parts because I know I missed some. So again, please comment if you have any recommendations for me to add, it’s highly appreciated. Also, just some housekeeping, please mind the tags and go give the authors some love and support!! I hope you guys enjoy!! (My summaries are super bad for this one so just look at the summaries for the work or ask ahah id be happy to elaborate)

*contains nsfw fics, so please read the tags*

⭑=my faves

TSUKKIYAMA

~quick deanpendragon spam (they are the mastermind of tsukkiyama fics read all of their stuff pls)~

campfire in your chest by deanpendragon

M, 74.4k words

This is the classiccccc slowburn, childhood friends to lovers, slowburn through high school fic. With an amazing plot, beautiful writing, and stunning characterization, if you like Tsukkiyama at all, you should literally just read it. It’s just....perfect.

the certain things we lack by deanpendragon⭑

M, 89.6k words

AHHHHHHHH STOP DON’T TALK TO ME IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS. no no no it’s so good like should be published good. It’s Kei-centric, and him and Yamaguchi are so <333 ugh i can’t stop. High school au, canon compliant, getting together yeah yeah yeah but the writing is.....i’m speechless it’s so good. Something about it connected with my soul and the writing, i can’t stop the writing is so good. If you like to read, like you just appreciate the art of literature, read this read this read this.

blue summer sky by deanpendragon⭑

T, 32k words

Deanpendragon, take all of my money. You deserve it after this one because, oh, oh MY GOD it’s so good. Yamaguchi working in a pet store. Tsukishima working in a music store. Right next to each other. STOP READ IT NOW YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. It’s Yamaguchi’s POV and his like stream of thoughts is SO relatable oh my god. It’s too good. This is hands down one of my fave fics so,,,,, u should read it. Also, it’s a series so, thank you for that one.

~~~~

Stoplights by 5yenwish(iamacamera)

E, 48.6k words

Something about Tsukkiyama authors, I would literally ask the president to get you ppl published because JESUS we do not deserve these works for free. I mean, this is just Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, and Karasuno being VULGAR and hilarious, and it’s like,,,,you have to have a certain type of humor to enjoy this. If you don’t like sex jokes AVOID this fic, but I loved this SO MUCH. The writing, ughhhhhh the writing is horrifyingly good. I kinda just really want to pay this author money because you made my life smmm better. On Hiatus tho,, probs forever so <//3 STILL READ IT

MATSUHANA

boiled frogs by reginagalaxia⭑

E, 91.5k words, cw: EMOTIONAL ABUSE, mental health issues that come with that

SAD BOY HOURS ughhh. This fic is so angsty and hurt so bad to read,,,,,,but so,,,,goood. Of course it’s depressing, it’s Hanamaki, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi watching Matsukawa be in an emotionally abusive relationship, all the while Hanamaki is in love with him,,,, eyeroll it’s very hard to watch. But, the writing is amazing, the plot is painful but good, so if you’re considering, you definitely should read.

rated m for by orphan_account

T, 10.6k words

Voice acting au. The most beautiful voice acting au ever. I love Matsukawa and I love Hanamaki, and you should definitely read this because it’s so funny. The writing is so good, the plot is so funny, and I love to laugh my ass off and this fic is funny lol. They act in a BL even though they hate each other. PLS READ IT AHAHHAH.

plus one by orphan_account

G, 6.1k words

This is the cutest lil getting together fic that so adorably fluffy it hurts. If you want to come down from, oh let’s say boiled frogs ahahhaha plug (look above lol), this fic will literally rot your insides with how cute it is. It’s quick, easy, and a fun time at a wedding, so if you just want some matsuhana for bedtime or something like that (?? what am i saying lol) then I definitely recomeend this one.

DAISUGA

Open Tab by Mooifyourecows⭑

E, 541.5k words, cw: anxiety, breakdowns (not that bad, but some parts made me feel a bit on edge so I thought I’d let u all know)

The longest fic I’ve read, and worth every second. I BINGED this mf, like in a couple of days lol and it’s so good. Artist Suga, bartender Daichi, gay panic and basically all of the other main haikyuu characters lol,,,,, read it if that sounds interesting. I think this is probably the staple Haikyuu longfic, so you should definitely check it out at one point or another. Also, it’s SO funny and the writing is rlly good. Oh, and it’s a SLOW BURNNN.

bell, book, and candle by skittidyne

M, 762.9k words, cw: blood, swearing, violence, minor body horror, death, anxiety/anxiety attacks/panic attack (part of the author’s warning)

I’ve seen so many people recommend this one, so I thought I’d include it in this recommendation, even though it’s focused around a lot of the ships, not just daisuga. It’s a supernatural hunter fic, and even just the summary is super captivating and interesting. If you like fantasy, mythology, or anything of the demons and magic sort, you should definitely check this one out. There is also some ~~magical~~ romance.

Cardboard Castles by valiantarmor

M, 18k words, cw: homophobia, mental strain that comes with homelessness

For the sake of your guys’ brains, I included this shorter fic that you could definitely complete in a short amount of time. Basically, this is about coffee barista Daichi, and how he meets Suga, who is secretly homeless. And romance blooms, of course. I definitely recommend this one if you want a short, kind of angsty, but happy ending read.

KYOUHABA

Police Dog by surveycorpsjean⭑

E, 34.9k words

This fic is so so sooo good. I usually stray away from like shifter, werewolf type fics, but this one handles the trope so so so well. I love the kyouhaba dynamic and this fic exemplifies it without making it too cliche. The premise of the fic is Kyoutani is a dog shifter and Yahaba is a police officer. I really had a great time reading this and I definitely think that you should check it out ahhah.

Close to the Chest by darkmagicalgirl

T, 61.1k words, cw: HOMOPHOBIA LIKE BAD (not violent but very internalized and prevalent)

Yahaba and his self-acceptance journey,,,,ughhhh im crying. This fic is vvvery emotional and filled with angsty self-hatred that makes me :(((. but BUT its worth it because watching him grow :’) and find love in Kyoutani. it’s very warm and happy at the end. If you want a CLASSIC coming of age set in high school and very gay so <33 pls check it out. The plot and writing are really well done and it is a work of art srsly.

#haikyuu #haikyuu fic recs #haikyuu fanfiction #hq #hq fanfic #tsukkiyama #tsukiyama #matsuhana #daisuga #kyouhaba #tsukishima #yamaguchi #matsukawa

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nerdshrimp19 · 4 years ago

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I just need to talk about this...

This is going to be something completely different from my usual content on my blog, but I need to talk about this because I am still livid.

This is most likely going to turn into a long-winded rant, so I will provide a TLDR.

TLDR: A psychiatric nurse practitioner said it would not be worth doing diagnostic testing for Autism and ADD/ADHD because I have good grades and a healthy long term romantic relationship.

For some background, I have been doing online college for two years and with the pandemic I have been by myself a lot more. This gave me more time for self-reflection, and I have always been interested in psychology. I decided to look into ADHD for a new topic to learn about, and when researching I related to the symptoms associated with it. I found myself diving deep into this topic like I do with everything I enjoy learning about and eventually found myself researching Autism because of the comorbidity of the conditions. I also related with some, if not most, of the symptoms associated with Autism, to some degree.

So, I slowly introduced the idea to my parents and boyfriend that I thought I might have both or one of the conditions. My parents were quite dismissive, but my boyfriend thought that my suspicions held some merit. But that was enough for me to go back to getting mental health services. My anxiety and depression were/are also worsening, so I wanted to get back into it anyway. I got a therapist and told her about my suspicions, and we talked about it. She also thought that it would be worth getting me tested for the conditions. So, she got me set up with a psychiatrist to possibly get me set for testing. (Quick side note: the last time I was tested for anything was when I was around the age of twelve and I almost twenty now.)

Surprisingly, I was looking forward to this appointment because of the prospect of getting testing planned, which my therapist assured me I could set up. If you have had a psychiatric appointment, you will know that they will take your medical information like weight, height, etc. That portion went without a hitch, but I was still masking like I usually do with strangers in public.

When I was called back, I was initially encouraged by the fact he was younger than any of my previous psychiatrists hoping that he would be more open minded. I decided that I was not going to mask when I was in the room, so hopefully he can get a more accurate visual assessment. Then when my mother and I got to the room and sat down he introduced himself as a “mental health nurse practitioner.” But I was under the impression that he was a doctor, I brushed this off as a misunderstanding on my part because it is something I often do. Since it was a first visit, we went over the basics like medical history, mental health history, medications, etc. But, when I brought up the possibility of me having something else besides/alongside my current diagnoses, I was dismissed. Then I finally brought up getting testing done for ADD/ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder, and he asked me how I am doing in school. And I had good grades last semester. Next, he asked about my relationships, and of course I told him that I have a boyfriend who I have been with for almost four years. He decided that those two things alone were enough to say that he did not see a need for testing. Because according to him “it is not affecting me enough for it to be worth getting a diagnosis.” This man had the nerve to tell me that with me rocking back and forth, playing with a fidget toy to keep me calm and present, me making very little eye contact, both or one of my legs bouncing, and even after I told him that my father has diagnosed ADD and my brother has diagnosed ASD. Maybe if he looked anywhere besides my chest for a few seconds, he might have seen some of what I was doing. He attributed everything he was seeing and what I was telling him to my anxiety. Yes, I was quite anxious because I am horrible with crowds and strangers, which I told him. I also have lots of anxiety regarding medical settings because of chronic illnesses and mental issues. But of course, my people pleasing self just accepted this and did not press any further.

As soon as I was out of the building, I began telling my mom that it was not fair at all that he would not even consider letting me get testing. I also explained to her that he was going based of the typical, male associated symptoms of both conditions. “Does he not know that both ADHD and Autism present differently in women,” was what I asked my mom while trying not to cry out of anger in the car. Because I thought that I could finally get an explanation and label for why I am so different, and it was just taken from me. Even though this happened only a few days ago, I feel so much more isolated and invalidated than I did before the appointment. Having the opportunity to make sense of my life and myself being ripped away from me has effected much more than I thought it would.

I knew that it was harder for females to get a diagnosis for these things, but I was at least hoping that it would not be the case for me. It sounds naïve now, but my therapist validating me gave me hope that it would be different. My mom and I are looking into other people who might give me a chance to get tested and hopefully it will go better than that did. Although, I should not be surprised about any of this happening, mental health services in my state are a joke anyway.

Anyway, if you made it this far congrats you made it too the end of this way too long post. Thanks for reading what I had to say. This is not really adding anything to the discussion, but I just needed to tell someone, so again thank you for reading.

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aurora1040 · 3 years ago

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Autism Acceptance Month

April 1st: Introduce yourself. Talk about who you are as a person. Your age, hobbies, special interests, family, etc. Anything you feel comfortable sharing.

Hello! I'm aurora1040. I am 28 and joined Tumblr when i was, i think, a senior in high school.

Some things that I have always enjoyed off and on as hobbies includes reading, writing, art, music, knitting, crocheting, and origami. Im sure there are other hobbies, but those are the ones off the top of my head right now.

I love animals!! Cats, dogs, birds... chances are if you name it, I'll probably like it a lot. I have a cat named Bach. I also have had 2 dogs, a pet rat, 2 cockatiels, and up to 13 cats growing up. I. LOVE. Animals. lol

For my special interest, I would have to say that Psychology has always been at the forefront of my entire life. Mental health is an extremely big deal to me. This is why so mych of my blog consists of mental health and positivity posts. I try to learn directly from the mentally ill or mentally disabled because I believe that first hand experience is absolutely invaluable to understanding the various diagnoses and neurotypes. I am FIERCELY protective of mental health. It is my turf and I will come unhinged if I see mentally ill/disabled being attacked or treated poorly or when there is an extremely gross and tone deaf take on a subject involving mental health.

The fastest way to trigger an info dump on psychology from me is any kind of pop psychology. I try to reign it in because most people dont appreciate it and I can come across as aggressive, even though all I'm doing is talking passionately about a subject that I have done research on my entire life. Some especially sensitive topics that will trigger info dumping includes: depression, anxiety, autism/aspergers, Narcissim (diagnosis, not personality type), Psychopathy, and Sociopathy. Closely related is also DID in the fact that I have relatively recently taken especial interest to learn about (read: past 4 or 5 years), but I am not yet confident enough to come barreling in with all I've learned yet. Its a very complicated diagnosis and I still have much to learn about it and similar neurotypes.

My favorite stim is auditory!! I love love love music and singing. My head is my radio and it is on 24/7 in the background at all times. It took me a long time to learn how to keep my stimming in my head so my family's ears eont get tired. lol

#autistic life #but i am autistic #actually autistic #autistic culture #autism #autistic girl #autistic feels #autism acceptance #30daysofautismacceptance #2022

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ladyxgilex · 4 years ago

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Humans are Space Orcs: Mind-Healers Edition.

Well, it seems i have been struck with a repeatable inspiration towards this trend, which i guess it is something good, but the more i read, the more i notice that there are a few stuff that seems to be ignored or are not specially focused.

So am here to point it out to you!

So, now try to imagine. Mental Health.

Human Mental Health? Nope

ALIEN Mental Health.

We Humans are already used to stuffs like PTSD, Divergent, short concentration spam, you name it, we humans have found it, learn it, and develop ways to deal with it.

But what if Aliens had some things similar to those?

AND, what if they never decided to directly deal with them?

Imagine an Alien Civilization that place the allocation of resources above anything, so any time one of their own members start to show Mental related problem, and it is immediately eliminated.

Maybe it was accumulative stress due to his long shift of work, maybe it was some sort of event that altered him, but still, his Civilization still exiled him because they do not desire for “damaged citizens”.

So when humans step into the galaxy, we become absolutely game-breaking.

On our first years of exploration, we battle against an alien civilization with a very strict system of castes, they have specially designed Queen that create all the soldier across the war.

We manage to get a difficult victory, the Alien Civilization turn around and leave the planet, leaving the Warrior Queen to it is luck, expecting that Humans will destroy her just any sensible civilization would.

But the moment Humans step inside of the Queen Chamber, we do not find an extremely ferocious killing machine.

We find an Alien Queen dejectedly laying on the floor with barely any strength left.

She expect us to eliminate her.

We show her mercy.

It is not precisely called “Mercy”, we are interested on studying her. The Queen it is part of a series of “defective” products of war, too attached to her own spring and still retaining a sense of “connection” with them.

We learn that she it is part of a especies that was modified to suit war, and that the “Defective part” of her was a clear depression after sending her children in a war that was not gonna give them any benefits.

She tell us that nobody have been capable of treat this “defect”.

We try anyway.

We speak to her.

We encourage her.

We try to understand her.

We do not try to “fix” her “defect”, instead, we try to cure her.

She reveals that she would have loved for her children to create instead of destroy, like the stories of the Old Queens say.

We gives her small island for her to live in.

In no time, the island it is filled with the same warriors that once battled Humanity armies, but instead of fight, they farm and take care of the island.

We start to accept some other refuges after that.

Aliens that had suffered mental breakdowns.

Aliens that have lost their ability to speak or express due to traumatic events.

Aliens filled with stress, fear or anxiety to their very core that would have been rejected on any other civilization of the Galaxy.

We welcome them.

We HELP them.

The rest of the Galaxy think we are crazy, and they start to willingly toss their “defective” ones at us, in the hopes of wear us down, of break us under the weight of this “burden”.

But we do not break down.

Instead we THRIVE.

The next time an Alien Civilization try to attack us, the Warriors born out of the Queen are the first to act, with the Queen herself stepping forward to defend the ones that saved her.

The Alien that it is Civilization labelled as “defective” turns out to think in a very different way that any other being on the Galaxy, helping us to look long established theories in new light, making us develop a new understand of the universe.

We Help, and in return, they help us back.

We, the Humans, know that it is not enough.

We know that there is still much do to out in the Galaxy, that there is still many suffering from insides their minds.

But we will try our best.

For Humanity will show Kindness.

For we are the Mind-Healers

#Humans are weird #aliens #alien #Mental Health #Mental #psychology #Humans are space orcs #Space #Human #Humans #kindness #natural kindness #weirdness #Healing

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chainofclovers · 3 years ago

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This Way Up season 2 thoughts and feelings

We finished watching the second season of This Way Up last night (watched it in two sittings over Friday and Saturday) and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would though the season did feel uneven at times. The story also made me feel incredibly, incredibly sad, and my brain is so cluttered with thoughts that I'm not sure I'll be able to actually make sense of the show if I don't just go on and share my impressions, as scattered, self-indulgent, and based on the limited memory of a single viewing as they are.

Where was I when I was watching this season of television?

Physically, I was on the couch with my wife, repeatedly remembering and forgetting that the Olympics were happening. And so, interspersed with this deep dive into the mental health and personal and professional challenges of London-based Irish sisters Áine and Shona, I experienced some archery, skateboarding (those bros honestly seem tooooo cool to even want to come to something as embarrassingly earnest as the Olympics, but good for them!), and men's gymnastics.

Mentally, I was contemplating some significant professional (and, yes, personal in their way) life events that are neither here nor there for tumblr dot com. I was also considering the season two premiere of Ted Lasso and my fannish relationship to that show. For it is true--the person I was while watching season 1 of This Way Up is not the same person who watched season 2 this weekend, because in the meantime a 45-year old white man from Kansas (and every person he knows) managed to become my primary media preoccupation, and I am surprisingly chill about how not chill I am about this anxiety-ridden ray of sunshine/football coach (both footballs). But as we all know, being chill does not mean feeling chill. That make sense?

Anyway. This Way Up. It's about to become a mess of spoilers and feelings in here, so venture behind the cut if you dare!

For Obvious Queer Reasons I was extremely curious to find out what happens between Shona and Charlotte and Shona and Vish. As such, while it was uncomfortable to watch, I think my favorite scene in the whole season is when Shona and Vish have video chat sex and Shona has this intrusive memory of sleeping with Charlotte that feels like the ONLY moment in the entire season that she isn't performing or editing herself in some way.

My other favorite moment is when Charlotte talks about how upsetting it is to feel like a "lesson learned" chapter in Shona's autobiography.

I cannot believe I'm about to type these words, but I think the writing on this show might actually put too much trust in viewers to pick up on things. I know, this never happens! This is my dream! Why am I typing this? But hear me out. I think there are a lot of interesting parallels in terms of whether Shona and Vish (established, engaged, committed) and Áine and Richard (new, taboo [but is it really that crazy that she ends up dating the dad of someone she tutors?], exploratory) are truly able to listen to each other and accept each other's needs. It's about honesty or lack thereof, and it's also about what's really happening inside someone's mind. It's such an incredible moment when Richard tells Áine he likes that she's always so "up" and she has this private moment where you can see this heartbreak in her eyes because of course we know that she really struggles with her mental health and with depression. And I like that the show has both Bradley and Charlotte in the position of being on the overlapping outside of those relationships, offering their own wisdom from a place of really, really caring about Áine and Shona. But I just wanted MORE of that. This episodes are so short, and I needed there to be more of a tight story about those parallels, more of a sense that we'd hurtle towards some kind of revelation by episode 6.

I realize this is a thing about UK shows, but these seasons are just too short. The episodes are like 24 minutes long and there are only six of them and I felt that while you could create an effective season of TV with those constraints, this season jumped between scenes too frequently. I wanted to live in the scenes for longer. I didn't want to feel like I was watching the editing and decisions about what to show happen before my eyes.

If season 3 happens, my second biggest dream is that Bradley and Áine can have a conversation following up from the observation that it would be nice to be with someone they're just comfortable with (spoken while they're slumped on the couch together having one of the warmest conversations two characters share all season). My biggest dream is that Shona and Charlotte can have a respectful conversation about how Shona defines her sexuality. I want Shona to be safe explaining if she'd want to use the term bisexual or queer or pan or even lesbian or some combination of those terms. Not because the labels are the most useful thing, but because in this case it would be incredibly useful for her to force herself to choose some words, not in the context of feeling Vish-related pressure. To be brave enough to describe herself, and to be safe enough to know that Charlotte isn't going to make some snide comment about men. It's totally fair that Charlotte is so hurt, but she needs to be able to listen, too.

I do think this season does an incredible job capturing Shona's intense ambivalence about herself, and how she is SCRAMBLING to deflect from that by focusing on her sister, work, family, wedding-planning, the hen do, basically anything but dealing with her own little brain and heart. I mean, when COVID starts to arrive in their lives, it feels like she really wants Vish's asthmatic uncle to be the golden ticket they need to call off the wedding.

I have mixed feelings about how frequently Áine references the feeling of being an actor or the feeling of experiencing things as someone might in a movie or show or the feeling that someone else is treating her as an actor or character rather than as a real person. I think it's an interesting thing to write about, but upon first watch I struggled to figure out if it was a commentary on the other parts of the story or an additional thread Aisling Bea wanted to weave into an already incredibly short season of TV.

It was very jarring to have a COVID plot. The only mainstream media I've seen so far with a COVID plot is--LOL (to quote Áine, who says LOL so many times this season)--the final scene of the Saved By the Bell remake. Again I say LOL!!! I didn't hate it or love it, necessarily, I just thought it felt strange because we're still in the pandemic and everything is strange.

Everything with Tom was so, so, so painful. I don't know if I can even get into it. I just felt visceral devastation and was hurtled into strong memories about people in my own life who died prematurely. (Suicide but not only suicide.) The way the last scene ended felt like--immediate tears just pulled from my eyes without me even realizing what was happening. And God, the way Tom-in-the-flashback calls her a "soppy cunt" (I think?) and we realize Áine used those exact words to jokingly refer to Richard's previous girlfriend who was a human rights lawyer? GOD.

While Áine and Shona don't really engage with each other in the same way my sister and I do, my sister and I are also really, really close and I'm the older sister and watching this show always gives me a lot of emotions about siblings. This is actually part of why the rapid scene cuts and feeling that they both were leaving so much unarticulated stressed me out. Áine nails it at the end when Shona has finally told her about Charlotte and she says Shona needs to tell her more, but I wanted to SEE that conversation happen. I wanted to FEEL Áine's reaction, because Áine's reaction matters more than Vish's or their mother's or anyone else's. It was frustrating!

I dunno, y'all. I really love this show. I think it is exactly what it wants to be. I could not tell you today if I will ever rewatch it even though I (think I) still consider it a favorite. I honor and respect the fundamental messiness and pain and hilarity of this show. What a wild experience.

#this way up #this way up spoilers #meta by me #cw suicide #about me #this is all over the place but then again I am all over the place

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emakenz · 3 years ago

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SELF INDULGENT HANNIBAL X READER FANFICTION PROMPT

I do not know what this is, if it is a drabble or a prompt or short story, I have no clue. Just thoughts in my head. Storylines that are realistic within the canon of the show. I say self indulgent because it's sort of a self insert of myself, but whatever, I dunno. It's almost 7 AM. I would actually write this as a story or drabble or whatever but I don't have the drive, if I have a thought I gotta write it down right then or it disappears. If I wrote fanfics, they wouldn't make sense because my mind wanders so fucking much. I might still do this someday, I dunno, but if anyone wants a crack at it, be my guest. I encourage it, as I'd love to read this as an actual story rather than... what it is. But if you write it, ya gotta make sure you include the big details I write down. The small details like, the whole Jack thing, that's not too important unless you want to keep it for showing character and/or character development. And ya gotta credit and tag me because I'd love to read it, as it is my brain's own little bundle of ideas. Holy shit I'm writing so much here goddamn. Anyway.

. . .

Hannibal is reader's friend and he has an interest in reader. Reader is an artist, they work as a forensic artist for the bureau. They do what the usual forensic artist does, but they also like to draw the crime scenes. They have a fascination with recreating the work of a suspect, it can help them connect dots and understand the suspect's intentions and ideals of commiting the scene of the crime. Reader is kind of like Will, in a sense, as they are on the spectrum but, unlike Will, they are unaware of it. They are an empath, they view everything from different perspectives and try to understand each side, like Will. But you see, Will only looks into the suspects' minds, but reader looks into the suspects, the victims, and even the witnesses' views. Hannibal finds their insight to be valuable (for his own "hobbies", in his career, and just plain interest, of course).

Reader has trouble with Jack yelling at them for "talking back," though in reader's mind they didn't realize what they said could be considered rude, and this happens more often than not. They can't handle loud noises, and Jack's booming voice messes them up. They tend to avoid Jack because of this, as they usually have an internal meltdown and shut off when he blows up.

An example; reader was explaining how the victim of the killer in a specific scene wasn't really the victim, but that they were the actual killer. Will disagreed, as he views the suspected killer to be the actual killer. Because of Will's insistence that reader was wrong, Jack shut reader off mid sentence by interrupting their defense. Jack trusts Will's insight more than reader's because he's known him longer and Will's always been right, so far, and he didn't want to risk messing up. He didn't want to get the investigation incorrect so he didn't take the chance of listening to reader rather than Will.

(In this scenario, the killer is the victim in the scene, and the person that killed them was the killer's intended victim, but the victim they intended to kill was a serial killer as well -- the victim pulled the ol switcheroo on em. So both Will and reader are right. If this doesn't make sense, please let me know, I will try to elaborate more on this if you're actually interested.)

Jack and reader don't have a bad relationship or anything, it's just a lot of miscommunications and underlying issues (like the reader having undiagnosed autism, not being aware that they're socially impaired can, well, impair their work and relationships. Such as here.) Nobody really notices the odd behavior from reader, as Will is like that too, so they don't question it. They all assume it's already understood that reader is autistic.

Reader isn't like Will when it comes to being social, as they are more reserved (as odd as that is, MORE reserved than Will Graham himself?? It's more likely than you'd think.) and don't fidget around with stuff around them. They don't nose around, they keep to themselves, closed off from everyone and everything. Will likes to roam around Dr. Lecter's office and tinker with stuff in the room, but reader is too anxious and shy to do such. Reader hates it when people come into their space (like their room, even their property in general) and they especially don't like it when people nose around in their stuff. It feels rude to them, so they don't do it to others. They don't consider Will to be rude because he does it though, they only consider it rude when a person comes into their space and does it, as reader would make it clear that they don't feel comfortable with people doing such. They wouldn't want a person unknowingly seem rude to them, they would inform them beforehand, but if the person still does it, then that's rude to reader. Call it being territorial, reader is just cautious about their property.

If reader is in a conversation, and being asked questions about themself, they usually just give short and simple answers. They don't like to talk about theirself. And they especially don't like letting people know them well. They are very cautious about relationships. They don't want to get hurt. They have a major rejection sensitivity disorder. They hate that about themself.

It's not that reader is cut off from the world and dismissive of others, they do like to talk and joke around occasionally. They're sarcastic yet literal, depending on the topic of conversation. They just don't give more input than they believe necessary. They're more of a listener (by that I mean they space out when a person is excessively talking to them. They can only handle so much.).

Hannibal notices reader's quiet, timid behavior and wants them to find some release, therefore he engages in conversations with them, though it is hard for them to keep the conversation going, he still pushes. He wants them to let loose, to trust him, so he can bond with them. He is aware of reader's autism, but he will only bring it up when he deems it's important. He knows everyone else knows and that reader doesn't, but he wants to see if reader would eventually figure it out on their own (they don't, he brings it up to them eventually). He's also aware that reader has anxiety and ADHD, with the occasional depression and mood swings. Reader is somewhat self aware of those parts of themself though, it's not a big deal. Reader doesn't really care about their mental health until Hannibal comes in and becomes Dr. Lecter to reader. They're not actually his patient but he will treat them as such when he feels they need a therapy session. Reader doesn't like the idea of therapy at all, not for them. Hannibal has to be discreet when getting them to open up. It works sometimes. Other times, reader just changes the subject to avoid the topic of theirself. While Hannibal does still have an interest in Will, reader is more of a craving for Hannibal's appetite. Hannibal sees reader as a rare delicacy that suits his taste, but he never gets enough, and he always wants more. Will can satisfy him in his interest, but reader doesn't give in to him like Will does. Reader is more hesitant, even when they are comfortable. Eye contact never ceases making reader uneasy, they can't hold it more than a few seconds, though Will can hold it as time goes on, reader can't. Will and reader's relationship is close, as reader relates to Will a lot, and vice versa. They connect. Reader likes to help with the dogs and assist in fixing motors and even go fishing with him. They're pretty much best friends. They're more open with Will than anybody else, as much as Hannibal envies Will for that, he also likes to learn about reader from Will. Since reader doesn't really open up to Hannibal willingly and knowingly, he uses Will for information. Will gives him what he wants, it's not a secret that they talk about reader often, it's just that reader doesn't engage in their talks so they make do. Whether Will has a crush on reader is a mystery, reader is unaware and Hannibal wouldn't allow it if he did. Will knows that Hannibal likes reader, he knows that if he had a crush, it's more than likely going to hurt him more than anything. Hannibal often attempts to get reader's attention in different ways, but reader never understands the message is for them. Will knows he can't be honest with reader as he's afraid that reader would feel uncomfortable around him if he did. He doesn't let himself crave reader after seeing Hannibal attempt to ease his own cravings for them, and seeing how that panned out, he knows he doesn't have a chance with reader if Hannibal of all people doesn't. Reader doesn't really... understand romance. They are capable of feeling romantic, but they don't know how to identify their feelings, so emotions are never clear for them. They feel everything but they don't understand anything.

Hannibal does get reader to give in but it takes a lot of time and effort to pry them open. Once reader is bare, they become insecure and vulnerable. They panic and get scared, and shutdown. Hannibal is a therapist and he knows how to handle this, though, and helps reader. He becomes their guide. Reader thrives off of independence but Hannibal slowly takes their need of independence away, having reader rely on him more and more. It makes him feel powerful. His cravings are nourished at this point in time, he's more addicted than ever, and reader is the center of his world. I guess you could say Hannibal is yandere-esque, not my intention but that's the vibes I'm getting from this. He's overprotective and possessive of reader once he has them under his wing.

What attracts Hannibal to reader is the same reason he's interested in Will. He enjoys having someone clever enough to understand him, to climb over his tall walls. Reader doesn't mean to do this, reader just sees him, and unlike Will, accepts him immediately. Reader never disliked Hannibal, reader's just cautious, as I've stated time and time again. Something about reader's mix of strong empathy but lack of understanding compels Hannibal. Reader sees and infers well enough (guessing close enough to what others think) but they can't really grasp it and latch onto it for theirself. They can't understand the feelings, but they can guess on them, and they can sure as hell feel em. They have trouble explaining stuff to others, and they try to always compare something to something else. They see something as a different thing than what others see. (An example, reader sees the shape and color and texture of a giant hotpocket in the ground, while others see a patch of dirt where grass hasn't grown) (I don't mean they literally see a hot pocket but they make the connection that it looks like a hot pocket) (that example is specific, as it is personal experience LMFAO)

This being said, they can be wrong a lot of the time when they try to infer a killer's intentions, as they sometimes just can't see the intentions being anything else than what they see. They have to rely on others for reference, to mimic their thinking patterns and then make a final guess at the killer's intentions. That's why Will and them connect so easily, as Will usually thinks straight AND helps reader figure it out in their own view. They help the team with investigations for other perspectives while Will helps with the "finalized" guess on the case. If this doesn't make sense, I can give another example, as I don't really know how else to word this. I doubt anyone will actually read any of this and I'm fine with that, I'm just rambling about my ideas. I swear to god though, if someone takes this idea without credit (in general, like the big picture of it) I will cry so so hard you will drown in my tears. Deadass.

Enjoy my rambles ig :)

#safe keeping #fanfiction #hopefully ill remember that

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dailydnp · 4 years ago

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Daniel Howell on queer self-care in a straight world

Daniel Howell came out on YouTube a year ago and now has a bestselling book about how straight and queer men can best look after their mental health. In a weird year for Pride, and for mental health, we asked Howell how the LGBTQ+ community should look after themselves

Being a man is not easy, nor is navigating your mental health as one. But for queer men the problems are both very similar and entirely their own. Finding space in this world to process the hard parts of being queer and making sure we don't bring the worst parts of masculinity into queer spaces isn't easy either. Coming out might seem like the seminal moment in a gay life but, actually, much of what follows is no easier.

Daniel Howell – “a professional internet clown” – has documented his own experiences with coming out, being gay and the struggles with his own mental health on his YouTube channel. Now he's released a book, You Will Get Through This Night, which is currently at number one on the Sunday Times chart. The decision to do a book around mental health was partially inspired by a resistance to doing a memoir – “My entire life story is on the internet, go watch it if you want” – and also by the fact that, “For 28 years, I never even took a slight interest in my own mental health, asking how I was feeling, because if you've had a busy work day the last thing you want to do in your spare time is homework about mental health.”

So the 30-year-old set out to condense all the knowledge he'd found tough to swallow into a more palatable format. “It's a lean, mean mental health machine. I'm not going to go off too deep on one topic and we're not going to waste any time. We're going to give you the information that you need right now.” For Howell, this is a book you can reread over and over again to find the advice you need for the problems you're currently facing. “I'm in this position where I'm opening every wound in my entire life, inviting everybody to stick their finger into it and hoping that I can make it seem more relatable and accessible,” he explained.

As we enter a very odd Pride Month and Pride season, indeed, we asked Howell how LGBTQ+ readers might be able to use this time to find solace and mental tranquility, particularly after the year-and-a-bit the world has had and we start to return to some semblance of normality.

GQ: We are here, as part of this discussion about mental health and your book, to talk about how queer mental health is impacted by heteronormativity, the patriarchy, by straight society, all of our favourite things. You documented your coming out and, since then, your journey with queerness. So I was wondering how your mental health was beforehand and how it changed afterwards?

Dan Howell: I could not have estimated how intrinsically linked my sexuality was to most of the suffering in my life. It really boils down to a single point about authenticity: if you are living a lie, if you are pushing against something fundamentally true and inevitable about yourself, you're just going to burn out and reach a point where you can't do it anymore. That's what happened to me. I had such a traumatising relationship with my sexuality throughout my life. I was one of those people – and many will relate, whether they're queer or not – who said, “I'm just gonna focus on my career. I'm not gonna deal with this skeleton in my closet right now, because I've got to focus on other things.”

What happened with me was I reached that wall, I hit that point where I just couldn't keep going anymore in my day-to-day life. As someone who creates, and is supposed to be an entertainer and to talk about myself for a living, I literally couldn't work anymore until I tackled this topic. It had everything to do with my self-esteem, my world view and my own relationship with my own emotions. Every time I dived down that rabbit hole of anxiety, or I slipped into a depressive mood and felt like I deserved it, it was because there was something that I couldn't escape from yet.

For me, the moment – well, I say “the moment” I came out, it was a year-long process – it was literally a weight that lifted, in a way I can't describe to anyone that hasn't been there. It felt like my entire life I'd been wearing a suit of chainmail that I just instantly dropped on the floor and I felt like a completely different person. And that kind of acceptance of yourself allowed me to re-evaluate every aspect of myself in relation to my mental health. I've just done a complete 180.

We love that for you. But like any of us who come out, you are then faced with a world that is in many ways wildly uncaring once we have done it. What have been some of the struggles you have faced as someone being gay in a fundamentally straight society?

There are a lot of, let's say, “sensitive straight people” that feel like gay people having a moment for themselves takes something away from them. This is true of queerness of any shade, but it also applies to anything else in life: if someone is going through something bad and needs a moment or if they just want any kind of equality, that's not taking anything away from you. To all the racists on Facebook, Black Lives Matter isn't making your life worse, it's just that they want equality. It's the same thing for people coming out: they're not coming out to have an attention parade, that's just them becoming a normal member of society, like you.

I wish I didn't have to come out because I hated all the speculation and attention I had to deal with for the ten years prior to it. Until anyone having to come out, in any way, with their gender or sexual identity, is normal, it's going to be a surprise to you. So I don't know what you're complaining for.

We are all, technically, at one point, part of the straight world and then slowly but surely our relationship with it changes – or at least that's my experience. What has been your relationship with engaging with a world that is, in some ways, in stasis while you have gone on a journey of change?

I had to accept that a lot of the audience that have been with me over the past ten years were, unfortunately, not gay. And that's really sad, but I still want to say that they're welcome and bring them along with me on the journey slightly. Even though I've come out as this alien, it doesn't mean I'm flying away to another planet and you'll never be able to relate to me again.

This is why mental health is a great example for my audience of how my being gay is so linked to my experience of my health, but you can relate to it too, because you're also a human with a brain and you have emotions. We're not so different. So, for me, it's about saying, “Hey, there are certain things that I am going to talk about now and there are parts of my life that I'm going to share.” And you might be like, “Oh, well, I haven't had a leather orgy in the basement, I can't relate to that.” And to that I say, “Well, that's my culture, you just have to accept it.”

But it's important to find the common ground in everything that I do. But I'm aware that, whether I asked for it or not, I am in this position where I'm representing queer people, especially on the internet. So even though my coming out moment has happened, I will never stop having to talk back to people and explaining things for the rest of my life. You don't just come out once. I'm going to have to do it every ten minutes, every tweet, everything I'll ever do for the rest of my life, if ever someone's surprised and goes, “What's that about?”

Have you been intrigued as to the ceiling for some people of what they're willing to engage with as a queer creator, telling stories of your own life, sharing in your own life? Have you been surprised by how far some people are willing to go with you or surprised by where someone's boundaries are?

It was definitely a surprise how positive humanity can be sometimes. That's just my perspective, because I am very much a product of my childhood, which was very upsetting and, as a result, as an adult I am incredibly cynical. My default position is to expect the worst from everyone.

Because I was brought up in a very toxic masculine environment, I have the same mental health struggles that anyone male – regardless of whether they're gay or not – can relate to, which is that pressure to have the stiff upper lip and not show any vulnerability and not ask for help in case you're perceived to be weak. There's still this notion that young people on the internet, people like me, are always complaining about things and asking for attention and talking about their feelings. Can't they just deal with it? There's this idea that they're weak or not being manly, but in my experience it's the opposite of that.

If you are willing to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, honestly, “What am I not dealing with? What am I too stressed about? What are the issues with my life?” If you can open up about that and ask for help, that's bravery. It's not a weakness to be honest with yourself and look at the shit that's hiding underneath something. That's what's gonna make you stronger; you have to go there and confront it.

When I come out, I expected that everyone's going to hate me, it's going to be a disaster, my career is going to be over. But the younger generation on the internet today is, by default, much more accepting. Because I just told the truth of my story, it wasn't even about whether I was gay or straight, people just empathised with what I've been through. People who watched my coming out journey might not have been gay, but they had a connection with me. You definitely do get the odd lost Trump Twitter bot that somehow stumbled into the weird gay Zoomer space, but, for me, I have actually been surprised by the people of the internet.

Let's not aim all toxic masculinity in the patriarchy at straight people either: the bad parts of it percolate into our own communities as well. Have you found restrictive parts of masculinity still crop up in your life or in queer spaces?

I am not instantly free of my psychological upbringing and culture and I'm aware of that every single day. I am a miserable bastard. I think men across the world have a certain mindset of being cynical and competitive, but, specifically for British people, it manifests in tearing each other down. We're all comparing ourselves to each other.

You think the moment you come out it's a big gay rainbow parade – everyone's a hippie, all hugging each other – but gay people can be so vicious within their own communities. Hurt people can still hurt people, so you still have all these horrible people in the gay community who are willing to be toxic and horrible. Being gay doesn't mean you're not racist. It doesn't mean you're not an asshole. And everyone has to have a moment where they think about themselves and how they act.

How have you found being queer with accessing mental health provisions in this country?

The current support for mental health in this country is just abysmal. Mental health support shouldn't just be there if you've snapped. Our entire society and healthcare should be trying to prevent it in the first place by educating people about how to look after their own mental health so that we're all fine.

When I first started going to a therapist I assumed I could talk to anyone, but they just don't understand my perspective all the time. For me, this has shown the importance of having a community. One of the good things that the internet has done, especially for queer people, is to allow the only gay in the village – wherever the hell you are in the world – to go onto the internet and to find a community of people like you that are supporting each other.

I look at young people today and they're like: here's a list of resources, services and things that you can read to understand your own body and your sexuality, how to think and feel and mental health. I just think, “Oh, my God, if I had Twitter when I was 13, I might have had a drastically different life.” Because it wasn't until I was 23 or 24 and social media started taking off that I even saw that these spaces existed. So at least people today are using technology to create the resources that aren't already being made for them out there in the world.

Feminism benefits men as well as women and many forms of intersectional equality benefit the oppressor as well in the long run. What parts of thinking about a queer, inclusive mental health system and a queer inclusive society benefit straight people as well?

The most straight, white patriarchal man feels like they're being oppressed by this cage that they built themselves. You want to talk about why the male suicide rate is so high? It's because society expects guys to not share how they feel and to fit a certain role in society that's complete bullshit.

To any man who feels like life isn't fair, because they wish they could have a bit more help, they wish they could open up a bit more, they wish they could be more honest, if we move closer to acceptance we can just be on some even ground here that's much healthier for all of us.

It's exactly the same thing as gays becoming bullies because they're just regurgitating something that happened to them before. It's all a cycle of this toxic relationship with ourselves and our self-esteem and our mental health and how we take out our emotions on others. And people need to be allies in order to have a better relationship with how they see themselves. It's just a fact.

You were talking about how, often, when we tell anecdotes about our pain it can seem like we're dealing with it, but actually it's just another way of being palatable for others. How do you balance making sure that you're being vulnerable and engaging with yourself honestly, while also presenting something that is fundamentally well-crafted for an audience?

There's a difference between me five years ago being like, “I'm depressed, ba-dum-tsch” and how I talk about my mental health now. What was behind that way I used to talk? I think for so many people – and this can apply to any issue that you can be stressed or upset about in your life – humour is this coping mechanism, it builds up a wall but allows you to get something out on the table without really dealing with it.

There's this whole discussion about what are you allowed to joke about and the line before you say, “Hey, you should stop talking about that and take it seriously.” For me, I still think you should be able to joke about your sexuality. I will tell stories about it, you can laugh at me being depressed, it's just that the person doing that has to acknowledge the pros and cons of approaching it that way.

It can also make you feel like you can see other people that are talking about it. Is 10,000 people joking about how depressed they are slightly weird and maybe there's an issue there? Yes, but at least that one depressed person goes, “It's not just me.” So there's a good side to it.

What every single person then has to do is not just let that procrastinate the issue. It can't be a band aid and then we all say, “Oh, there we go, we've done all the work that you have to,” because you can only joke about it for so long until you hit the wall.

For queer people who are confused, who are exhausted from various facets of existing in a heteronormative patriarchal, straight society, what are some good things to be able to do to be able to tuck themselves away to look after themselves?

The biggest thing is realising that it's not a big mysterious force that you can't control. You are actually not built and wired a certain way and there's nothing you can do about it. I used to tell myself this lie when I was feeling really depressed sometimes that I was just having a bad day and therefore on those days I guess I just have to spend the whole day crying into a pillow or something. That's not true. Unfortunately, you don't have that excuse. Because what I've learned from writing the book is there are so many things you can do to change how you think and feel, just in the moment.

For me, I'm that guy that bolts awake at 4am in the middle of the night in cold sweats, thinking about some traumatising gay thing that happened to me when I was 15. Now I'm obsessed with being mindful, trying to do something to indulge your senses to be present in the moment instead. When it comes to lifestyle, I hated this realisation myself, but it's not all therapy. There are lots of little everyday choices that every single one of us can make that have profound impact on how we think and feel. As much as I like to be an insomniac nerd that doesn't go outside and mostly eats takeaways, it's things like your support network, what's your social life like, are you getting a good night's sleep, how much do you move during the day, what's your environment like… Little decisions we make day to day, all of that adds up to create the foundation that your health and happiness is based on.

That's why I think the book is so important. It may make you feel personally attacked, but it's in a good way. If that's what I've had to go through publicly for the past ten years, I think it's only fair that everybody does that for themselves.

You Will Get Through This Night by Dan Howell is out now.

#daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan #phan #mine #interview

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veryvincible · 4 years ago

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If tony meets the criteria for ocd, why do you still say he doesn't have it? Not disagreeing just curious

Disclaimer again: I am not a mental health professional, I am simply a mental health advocate with many years of research under my belt, as well as lots of firsthand experience with the diagnostic process and other mental health-related incidences with the medical field (in America specifically). So, as always, feel free to look into it yourself if you’re interested in it, because there’s always discourse in the (very messy) field of psychology. Anyway, on we go.

The thing to remember here is that, with fictional characters, we don’t get to delve into their minds as much as we’d like to; internal monologue, as deep and complex and beautiful as it can be, is still a collection of words to define a mass of feelings, and these masses of feelings can be attributed to so, so many things. When a therapist diagnoses you, they get to ask funky questions like, “Do you feel like your thoughts and concerns spiral, and you’re helpless to stop them?” “Thinking back to your childhood, do you think you exhibited similar symptoms that you’re experiencing currently?” “Do you, personally, have an opinion about what may have been a catalytic event for you adopting this state of mind?” and all sorts of things. Though those are much more formally put than most questions I’ve been asked by therapists, the gist is basically the same-- they get to deep dive into your history, your mind, your self-awareness, your body language, your feelings... and you’re one cohesive person with a cohesive story.

For comic book characters, we don’t get to delve into that. We don’t get to go, “Well, his childhood was like this, and that explains these behaviors! We can assume his panic response is Like This, and we can assume his attachment style is Like This, and we can assume his symptoms are Like This, and we can assume he feels Like This,” but those are all assumptions, and we can’t probe further. On top of that, most of them aren’t even intentional-- sure, yes, Tony Stark is a very sad man, and most writers make him this very sad man, but I can guarantee that most writers aren’t specifically looking into MDD and writing Tony accordingly. Some may be drawing from personal experience, others may be drawing from assumptions, etc. Whatever the case, Tony is not a cohesive man with a psychological timeline wherein one event leads to a developed response, consistently.

Above all else, diagnosis is a tool for treatment-- yes, it is excellent to be able to better understand yourself and feel the relief that comes along with this, but diagnosis came into being for the sake of medical professionals being able to say, “Hm, you’ve got [whatever]. I will go tell the other doctor you’ve got [whatever], so that guy can help you, because he specializes in [whatever], or you can try these home remedies for [whatever], or we can delve into [whatever] emotionally with talk therapy.”

Because diagnosis is a tool for treatment, you get these funky little footnotes in the DSM (which, again, is not the end-all, be-all, but when it comes to fictional characters, it’s totally fine) and other diagnostic tools that tell you “Even if you meet all these criteria, this diagnosis isn’t necessary if these symptoms would be better explained by something else!” because treating you for every psychological condition you qualify for could be rough on your body, it could end up with conflicting treatments (especially if you make incorrect assumptions, or if certain symptoms are stemming from different physiological factors despite appearing the same externally), and it’s just kind of tedious.

Like, you could potentially exhibit every symptom under the diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety, but if you have severe PTSD from long-term trauma that’s made you super jittery, it might be accepted that Generalized Anxiety wouldn’t be the best diagnosis for you, because ideally the treatment you’d receive for PTSD (trauma counseling, medication, etc.) would help with that.

I will say here that having an “umbrella diagnosis” under which other potential diagnoses could fall is not the same thing as having comorbid disorders; you probably know that already, but I’m going to say it anyway, just in case. Comorbidity involves overlap but separation of diagnoses, whereas the whole “Don’t diagnose your patient with [whatever disorder] if these symptoms are better explained by another thing!” happens more often when the entirety of one potential diagnosis fits under a section of another, more fitting diagnosis. So, if you see anyone with very long lists of diagnoses (probably don’t put big lists like that in your bios, though, please-- that seems kind of dangerous), that’s not a sign that they’re, like, mental illness-hoarding or whatever the fuck, despite that being a very common assumption that a lot of neurotypical people (and honestly, other mentally ill people) can have. Bodies like to be balanced. When one thing falls out of place, a lot of other things might follow. Just a disclaimer for you here, because I feel it’s important to say.

So, that covers... most of the reason why I don’t personally like to point to Tony as a character with OCD. First of all, sure, he has what could be considered obsessions and what could be considered compulsions, but we can’t actually ask him, “Hey, do you think these thoughts are obsessive? Are these potential compulsions things you perform ritualistically in order to make the obsessive thoughts go away?”

And... I don’t know. I think OCD (for me, specifically-- I know there are others with OCD whose opinions differ, and more power to them) is something that has to be written more intentionally for it to read as representation. Sure, they might have what could be intrusive thoughts... but my intrusive thoughts don’t just feel like thoughts that “could” be intrusive. They are intrusive, unmistakably. My compulsions don’t just feel like solutions to the problems I’ve made up or exaggerated in my head; they’re irrational, fear-based, anxiety-inducing. It’s the way you make sure every upstairs door is closed before heading downstairs, because otherwise you get a tightness in your chest and you can’t focus or breathe quite right; or the way you get up out of bed to make sure your door is locked multiple times just in case you forgot; or the way you develop avoidant tendencies or overly communicative tendencies because if you don’t, the ramifications within your relationships could be unbearable. It’s having a voice inside your head that’s not just telling you you’re a monster, the perfect antithesis to everything you’ve ever held dear; it’s a voice inside your head that is the monster, a voice that sounds the same as your own, simultaneously overprotective of your well-being and overly interested in the total destruction of your person.

And... I’m not saying Tony doesn’t experience that. He clearly has this feeling of “I am a monster” inside of him. He clearly has that feeling due to what he perceives as his own shortcomings. But these are comic books, and though there are many ways you could introduce intrusive thoughts in an internal monologue, we don’t really get that with Tony as much as I’d need to in order to feel represented by him. We don’t get him thinking shit like, “You could abandon this all, you could leave this shit to the rest of the team, you could fuck off and live on an island somewhere else, you could hole yourself up in a room and never leave, you could kill them, you could kill him, you could kill everyone, you know for a fact you have the resources to kill everyone, don’t you want to make sure? What if your tech fails? What if you do kill everyone? What would happen, huh? How would that look? How would that feel? What do you think it would feel like to pick up their bodies, to look in their eyes and have nothing staring back at you? You could tell him you hate him. Not to save him from you, no-- you could just do it because you’re able to do it, because you’ve cultivated these relationships and you’ve fooled everyone into loving you despite knowing you don’t deserve it. You’ve tricked them, and every day you continue on like this you’re manipulating them, and you’ve taken so much from them-- they’ve put so much of themselves in your hand that you could so, so easily crush if you just took a second and did it.”

... And we don’t get the accompanying monologue of, “No, god no, what the fuck, that’s not who I am, that’s not who I want, I’m not like that, I love them, that can’t be who I am, if that’s who I am then what does that say about me, what does that say about the space I take up, what does that make me?”

Which is where the OCD version of “I am a monster” tends to originate-- the inherent inability to separate oneself from the illness, the difficulty in coping with an overactive survival mechanism ready to ensure you’re prepared for every single thing that could go wrong, very specifically the things you’re most worried about, because that’s what matters, right? The things you’re worried most about. And Tony’s most worried about love, about his loved ones, about the planet, about life.

But “I am a monster” doesn’t imply that internal monologue. “I am a monster” could be a legitimate analysis of what he’s been through and what he’s done, clouded by self-loathing instilled in him by his father. “I am a monster” could be something he’s thought since he was younger, not because of any specific symptoms he developed, but because of what he was told-- because he was told he was wrong, bad, unlovable.

I think Tony could get there. I think I honestly may have written Tony there at some point, just because it’s easy to write for me. But if we’re following standard diagnostic procedures with a man on a page who really hasn’t been written intentionally with anything other than substance abuse, symptoms of PTSD, and depression... I don’t know. It doesn’t read like OCD to me. It doesn’t feel like OCD to me, and if at any point it did, I think that would be more of me filling in blanks with my own experiences than it would be anything else.

(There is one canonical instance of “I could kill this person right now if I wanted to!” level intrusive-ish thoughts I can think of off the top of my head, and that is in the most recent Iron Man run, and that also doesn’t read like OCD to me because, honestly, nothing Cantwell writes with regards to mental health seems natural or authentic or accurate. Also, I don’t know if it really qualifies as an intrusive thought if it feels more like a justified outburst of rage to the character thinking it, so, uh. Hmm.)

#cassks #ocd #intrusive thoughts tw #idk what to tag this but i know i would like it tagged if i were the one stumbling across the post so.#if you want it tagged something just lmk and i will edit + file that away for potential future discussion

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beautifuldarkmind · 3 years ago

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tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

#ask #bpd #borderline personality disorder #tw

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rpbetter · 3 years ago

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Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

#vespertine #answered #anonymous #long post #drama cw #rp harassment #callout culture

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mumblino · 4 years ago

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My self discovery journey

Heyo!

This is not what most of my posts are gonna be like, but I felt like it was important to talk about, and pride month is a perfect time to tell my (summarized) self discover journey~

My name is Brandon, although I don’t care if you call me Mumble. My pronouns change a lot since i don’t really know myself that well, but currently, they are He/Him, They/Them and It/Its. There are also days where I don’t really identify with any 3rd person pronouns, I’m just me, and that’s what I mean when I say No Pronouns.

I have Depression, Anxiety and Combination Type- ADHD, which is why i am on the internet a lot.

This is a very long post, so buckle up

//TW: Transphobia, Enbyphobia, Homophobia, Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, Disordered Eating, Racism (not a huge part, but there are mentions of it), Self Harm, Mentions of a Psych Ward, Medication

I am a trans-masc, afab teenager. I am a romance-neutral aromantic (my interpretation of that is that I don’t mind romance, but I don’t actively want one or seek one out), and a sex-repulsed asexual (I am completely repulsed by the idea of engaging in sexual intercourse with anyone). and I am currently out to my friends, my mother, and my step-father, and am in the beginning-middle of my transition.

I started questioning my gender identity when I was in early 7th grade, after my friend Saturn (pronouns are They/It/Bun) first came out to me as Non-Binary, and asked me to use They/Them pronouns.

I’ve never really actively considered myself straight. I’ve always seen love as between two people, and while I usually thought of a man and a woman, I have always been open to same sex couples. My best friend in 2nd grade actually introduced me to the LGBTQ+ community (not directly, but she did talk about those types of things quite a bit), and while I don’t want to assume her sexuality, I am fairly certain she experienced attraction to both boys and girls.

Before this, the only thing I really knew about trans people was that they existed, and I didn’t really care that much. However, my brother and my father had the idea that most LGBTQ+ people are “snowflakes” and since I didn’t know anything else, I believed them.

However, I wanted to learn more about Trans people, and how to be respectful and supportive of them. I did, at the time, consider myself to be LGBTQ+. In both 5th and 6th grade I thought I was either a lesbian or bisexual, since I didn’t know the difference between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction, and well, people are pretty!

I also had this need to be very masculine, and I always have. I’ve always wanted to be a tom-boy, to be the masculine one in the group, be the Buttercup of my friends! And during th grade, as I started to learn more about LGBTQ+ people, I wanted to be the top. I wanted to be the stereotypical lesbian. The one with the androgynous style, chill attitude, and the one that scares the shit out of guys.

I’ve even said to myself (not knowing that being trans was a thing) that I want to be a boy. I’ve always identified more with the guys at my school. Not in a pick me girl way, but in a “I relate to you a lot, and I feel like I fit in with you” way.

And to some extent, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is because of how often feminine guys are made fun of. I would not be surprised one bit if this is because femininity has always been demonized to me, especially if a guy is being feminine.

Anyways, through this dive into the Alphabet Mafia, I found out about asexuality. It really resonated with me, because I always found sexual things gross, but that also confused me. If I was asexual, why did I want to be masculine so badly? Why wasn’t I like the other girls? I’ve always felt like an outcast around most people, but especially girls. I never related to them. I always related to more masculine people, and boys especially.

After this, I decided to start looking into trans culture, and FTM culture especially. Through this I found Kalvin Garrah. I know now that he is very much a toxic influence on the Trans community, but he taught me a lot about trans culture. I also found Sam Collins and Jammidoger through him, who also taught me a lot (and are much more positive influences.) These FTM youtubers taught me a lot, and I started to realize, that I might be trans.

Because of this, I decided to ask Saturn if they could refer to me by They/Them pronouns. I went with They/Them because I didn’t feel like I passed well enough to use them. My hair was still long, I wasn’t out to my family, I still acted feminine sometimes, etc.

I would also like to make note of the fact that at the time, I was not very accepting of most gender identities outside of the “binary” and didn’t consider it a spectrum. I had a very close minded and rigid view of gender, and this is mostly due to family influences. This view is why I didn’t want to use He/Him pronouns, because I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I have since grown out of that viewpoint, reflected, and tried to do better when trying to understand other people’s identities.

This stress of my identity crisis, untreated mental conditions, toxic friends, and general struggle with school caused me to develop disordered eating habits. I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, however I’ve struggled with disordered eating for a long time. During 7th grade, I started to struggle with binge eating. The moment I would get home, I would immediately start a binge. It was uncontrollable, I felt horrible, and eventually, my mom had started to notice that I was eating an unhealthy amount.

A few months after this, I started to see a therapist, and at the end of my first session with her, I came out to my mom. I could not be more thankful for how supportive of me she is. She has only shown love, and care for me, and the only time she’d no to a step in my transition, is out of a genuine concern for my physical and mental health. She is also religious, but she loves me for the way that I am, and has a very loving and positive viewpoint when it comes to that.

I didn’t do much for my transition at the time (other than switching my pronouns to He/They at some point) and focused more on school, depression, and my romantic orientation.

This was a part that really confused me. I’ve never had a crush (except for one that came from peer-pressure) and I’ve never had an interest in romance. (Keep in mind I had no idea what ‘Aromantic’ was) So what was I? For the time being I decided to consider myself either bi-romantic or hetero-romantic, because like I said, people are pretty, and I tended to notice pretty girls more than pretty boys.

There was also another hurdle. My (now ex) group of toxic friends. These friends weren’t toxic in the way that they wouldn’t include me, they were toxic in the way that they would talk shit about any minority group, a lot of which i was a part of. They were racist (I am not a poc but it still made me upset and uncomfortable) ableist (they threw the r-slur around a lot) homophobic (this was the biggest one, mainly making fun of them, callng them ‘pixies’ and would say they would ‘burn them’) and transphobic/enbyphobic (they didn’t consider they/them pronouns valid, they threw around the ‘attack helicopter’ joke, and they would dehumanize trans people, and call them ‘transvestites’)

Over the summer, I still spoke to them, and tried to ignore all of their behavior, because if I had cut them off, I would be completely alone. I have an extremely intense fear of abandonment, so the idea of doing that was comparable to death.

Through the first half of 8th grade (I was doing school from home) I didn’t talk to many people other than them. I stayed in my room a lot, and the first half of 8th grade was a steady decline in my mental health. My depression and anxiety had significantly worsened over that time, and I was extremely lonely. This was also worsened by the fact that I have ADHD, and at the time, it was undiagnosed, so I was failing almost all of my classes.

The only way I was able to comfort myself was through my hyperfixations, and over the summer, I had a developed a hyperfixation on the Origins MCRP group. Because I had nothing else to do, I decided to pick up drawing again, and in October, I did an Origins version of Inktober. Every day, I would draw a different character from their series Fairy Tail Origins. I did not complete the challenge, however I did get through the first week, and I am proud of myself for that.

One one of the days, I had to draw a character named Brandon (partial inspiration for my name lel.) Brandon is a sky devil-slayer, and a co-guild leader of a guild named Divinus Magia. and I decided to draw him in a picture that symbolically showed his mental struggles with a devil named Jupiter. I posted it to the fan discord, and the actor and creator of the character (online username is ReinBloo) noticed my artwork. I was extremely excited about this, and decided to start drawing more and more.

Because of this newfound motivation to pick up drawing again, I decided to create my own persona. I decided to make my main persona a revised design of my profile picture at the time. It was an improvised character, but I liked the aspects of it, and in late 2020, (yes i am 14 shut up) I created my main Oc, Jupiter. (at the time he didn’t have a name and I landed on Jupiter because I like it, and it fit him.) Jupiter is a space inspired demon, with dark grey skin, white star-like freckles, pure white eyes, white hair (that is slightly purple) and light gray ram-like horns with gray stripes on the base and tip. His color palette is that of the Asexual flag, and this was originally unintentional, but since I like the colors, and my Asexuality is an important part of my identity, I went with it.

I fell in love with this character, and he helped me figure out a lot about myself. I continued to watch origins, and draw for them (mainly ReinBloo’s characters lel) and on January 27th of 2021, in the premier chat of one of the episodes of My Hero Origins, I met MissyLea (She also goes by Lea, and Vesper). We instantly became friends, and moved over to discord to continue our conversation. By February 10th, we were already planning on being platonic valentines. We related on so many things, she was so kind, and loving, and understanding, and very quickly, I grew a strong emotional bond with her.

By the end of February, I developed an emotional attraction to her. I wanted to be with her forever, and while I personally wouldn’t consider it romantic right now, at the time, I did. After a few months of identifying as Aromantic (I had learned about it by now, through the Asexual community) I decided to change that label to Demi-Panromantic. I realized that I didn’t really see her gender, I didn’t care. I love her, and that’s all that matters to me. Now, I feel as though it was more of an emotional and somewhat sensual love for her, but even so, I love her to the edge of the universe and back, no matter what our relationship is.

I have told her things I’ve told no one else. When I was struggling, she was there for me, with kind words, and an endless amount of unconditional love. She is the type of person everyone deserves to have in their life, whether they are a friend, a family member, a partner, or anything else, everyone deserves to have a friend with the amount of love in their heart that she has.

On March 19th, I decided to tell her how I felt. When she said she felt the same way about me, I was happier than ever. To have someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them is amazing. We started dating later that day.

It’s only been 3 months, but I feel like I’ve known her for 3 years. Vesper has made me feel complete when I’m around them, but they’ve made it so much easier to stand on my own as well.

Near the end of my 8th grade year, I officially cut them off, and came out to them (albeit in a very aggressive way) and I wouldn’t have been able to do this without Vesper’s support. Just one person has made it so much easier to cut off toxic people.

Vesper’s support also made it easier for me to be more open with my therapist. I began to tell her more of what I was struggling with, and it has made my mental health journey so much more bearable.

Over these past two months, I have finally gotten a diagnosis, and been able to truly know what direction to go in to properly treat my mental health.

I hope that by sharing my story you can better know me, and I also hope I can help create a safer environment for others to talk about their stories.

I hope one day people will be able to be themselves, and talk about their experiences, without the fear of judgement, or persecution, and if just this one post helps us get closer to that, I will be happy.

Happy Pride Month everybody! You are all amazing, loved and valid! 🌈💖

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zorya-wellness · 4 years ago

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8 Real & Practical Advice on How to Get Through Quarantine or Lockdown Without Going Nuts

Hey friends,

Today’s Blog post was definitely not something I planned as most of my blog posts are dedicated to Tarot, Runes and Relationship Coaching.

So, what happened?

Well, the “third wave” happened.

If you are in a country where you are going through yet another lockdown, and who knows if this is the last one, you are probably reaching a point when you really need some tips on how to get through this without getting nuts.

What is happening right now has caused a spike in anxiety, depression and other mental health struggles.

The consequences of strength can be both physiological and mental. When we are talking about the impact on the body, it is sleep disturbance, food disorders and worsening of other conditions one may be predisposed to.

When we talk mental health, stress results in irritability, panic attacks, depression and addictions.

I appreciate so many wonderful ideas and advice from people to help others find some fun and meaningful activities to do, but let’s be real with each other: a good book and a warm bath don’t do the trick anymore. It’s been over a year since it all started and you probably already celebrated 365 days of bubble baths.

I am going to give you some REAL and MEANINGFUL advice on what you need to start doing now to preserve (and hopefully improve) your mental health.

Let’s jump right into it.

1. How can I separate myself from work mentally if I am working from home?

This is a MUST for your mental health. There is a reason why we GO to work. Even though now companies claim that working from home seems to work perfectly fine, it works fine for a company that no longer needs to pay for commercial lease and maintain the building.

But for YOUR mental health, it is a very big hit.

You know this feeling when you come home from work and finally feel RELAXED?

Well, you probably don’t remember what it’s like anymore because your home and work environments seemed to merge into one.

And it is SO important that you do everything to separate them.

Here are some suggestions for you:

Even if you live in a small apartment, you need to have an area designed strictly for work.

Separate this area from the rest of the room or your flat and make sure you have dedicated hours of work.

And when you are done with your work, you DO NOT go back there to check something, to read an email or to reply to a coworker that doesn’t know a definition of work hours and sends 500 emails at 10pm.

You do you.

If your job end at 5pm, wave your “workplace” a goodbye and leave the space both physically and mentally.

Interesting tip from psychologists is even to choose a certain outfit for your work hours buy I would go so far as to say, choose an outfit for your whole day regardless if you are working or no.

I’m telling you guys, it’s such a shift in a mindset when you are washed, dressed, have some make up on, nice perfume, whatever rocks your boat, as long as you are not spending all your day in pjs.

2. What can I do if I find myself overeating or drinking more alcohol than I normally would?

Let’s break it down right away: over eating, smoking excessively or drinking more alcohol than you normally would and should, is THE WORST strategy to get through the quarantine.

You MUST find other ways to cope and I know how difficult it is. You need to ACCEPT your emotions, fears and anger and I know you are at the point where you don’t want to accept anything, you just want to fall asleep and wake up thinking it was just your worst nightmare that is now over.

I know it’s easy to say that eventually it will be over.

For some of us, coping is much more difficult than for others and I know that you have reasons.

If you are really at your breaking point, you understand that you no longer can cope by yourself, you start developing addictions or worse feel aggressive towards your family members, PLEASE seek help.

Thankfully, there is MANY resources available right now. There are a lot of counselors, psychologists and workers that are offering help at low cost and even at no cost.

No one will ever judge you for seeking help.

Call you friend, your mother or cousin. Sit down with your partner and just talk. Maybe others will be able to offer some insights or advice. Maybe together you will develop a plan.

If you are with kids 24/7, make sure you put aside some time for yourself. I knoooow, it’s super cliché to talk about self-care but I am a mom myself and I know how important it is.

And you know what? Sometimes you need to turn on that cartoon for 30 minutes and just go, sit down and have your coffee with a muffin. Do NOT let anyone shame you.

Losing your shit is NORMAL, we all do, we are no Yogis here.

3. How do I stop myself from watching or reading news every day and getting angry?

This is a big one. I probably should have started with it.

My best advice is disconnecting your cable and delete the news from your phone. This is what I did, it works like a miracle.

No, there is no show on your TV you can’t live without. There is Netflix, Amazon and plenty of other platforms to watch programs and shows.

Our immune system and well-being highly depend on what is going on in our head. If you start your day or dedicate all day to the subject of pandemic, such as watching news, videos, statistics and prognosis that may or may not ever come true, this will raise your anxiety level, which in turn will affect both physical and mental health.

All this can not only lead to anxiety disorder and depression. If you are on my page, then I trust you believe in the fact that our thoughts are materialistic. And so are our fears. Make sure that you are feeding your mind with positive affirmations.

Instead, try to shift your focus on other things you are interested in. Think what else matters for you? Maybe you want to improve your health, start a new exercise routine, learn about digital marketing or knitting. Youtube is booming now more than ever. Why not dedicate your time towards something useful?

4. How do I keep myself calm when I feel like my blood is boiling? How to overcome anger and helplessness caused by the news?

When I thought about an answer to this question, I remembered a time when my Yoga instructor was teaching us meditation.

We were in the process of meditation and I kept trying to push the thoughts away but they would come back. I would try to talk myself into stillness but as a result, I would just tense up, while the thoughts were still there.

At this time, I heard my teacher saying: “If you are trying right now to be still so hard you keep on repeating “stop thinking” to yourself, you are doing it all wrong.”

I started laughing. I was really laughing at myself and at how stupid I felt. Meditation is about acceptance and release. We accept any thought that comes our way and try to simply dismiss it.

What you need to remember is that when you are trying to escape anger, panic or distress to reach that stillness that seems to be so unachievable, when you are trying to look positive or talk yourself into feeling positive or calm, you are trying to reach yet another extreme.

Mental health and well-being are not in stillness or eternal optimism. It is somewhere in the middle.

All emotions are necessary. We need to release our anger, we need to laugh till we cry and sometimes cry, so that we can laugh again.

What is important is maintaining that balance.

It’s not always easily done but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to be happy 24/7. This is NOT a definition of good health.

With that said, don’t forget that others around you may also be having a bad day. Offer help and support with a reminder that we are all here for each other, in good and in bad.

5. I do exercises and Yoga but they don’t seem to help with my stress levels. How do I not get discouraged?

It is important to understand what type of physical activity can help YOU right NOW based on your needs and your mental state.

Yoga may not be helpful to release anxiety and anger that has built up over the past months.

It may be a better idea for you to buy a boxing bag and kick the hell out of it.

Or you may need to go for a run and let the wind and fresh air really stir everything up inside.

But for those who continue to work outside of their home, you may be hustling so much during the day that what you really need is stillness. In this case, Yoga, meditation and mindfulness practices will be most helpful.

It is really important to assess your current mental health situation. If you are unsure, grab a pen and paper and write down everything you feel. Take a look at what prevails.

In any case, I want you to understand that ESPECIALLY NOW exercise and physical activity are more important than ever before. So, make sure you include in your life the following:

-Physical activity in any form that fits you (running, Yoga, Pilates, boxing)

-Breathing exercises

-Attention and Mindfulness exercises

6. Make sure to take care of the elderly at the best of your ability.

Our elderly seem to be so forgotten. And just as our children, they are the most affected by the current situation.

Even prior to these lockdown it’s been a known fact that many older people, when they retire, go through difficulties related to the lack of social life, goals and meaningful events.

Now, when most of them are completely stuck at home all the above issues have only intensified.

Because of that, they don’t really have much left to do but watch a TV all day and as we discussed above, television can negatively impact mental health of the healthiest young individuals, let alone the vulnerable population.

I know that some of you are unable to see your grandparents or parents in person, as they may be in a retirement facility with restrictions on visitors.

But as someone who lives so far away from grandparents for more than 10 years, I can give you the following suggestions:

CALL. Wow, so “new”. I know it’s not but I have noticed that today’s generation will do everything and anything to avoid calling. People are so consumed in social media, swiping, liking and texting that when it comes to actually pick up a phone and chat, they hardly know what to talk about.

If your elderly has a landline still, you can use that but if you have a chance buy them a tablet or a cellphone and either yourself or have someone show them how to use at the very least Skype or What’s App.

And really, you don’t have to have a reason for a call.

Call to ask your grandmother share her favourtire apply pie recipe, to get her opinion on your job situation, to share your baby’s first tooth finally coming through.

It all may seem like day-to-day activities for you but you have NO IDEA how much they want to be involved and have a meaningful life.

This will keep them busy and will really take their minds off the negativity that is spilling from every single television channel on them.

7. Try to have a schedule that all family members will follow.

In the conditions we are facing right now when family members are forced to be together 24/7, sometimes in quite a small space, it is inevitable that you may start to experience issues in your relationship with a partner or your children.

For this reason, divorce rates, verbal and physical abuse and alcohol intoxication are at the highest.

It is a very serious matter because people are unable to structure their day, have a schedule and follow it.

What you can do is the following:

-Have a set of rules at home everyone will follow. “Mommy is working for the next two hours, while you are doing your online learning, then we meet at 12pm for lunch”

You can establish a reward system for your children if they are following through with the schedule.

-Have a space at home where you go to take a breath if the situation heats up and you feel like you are losing your cool.

-Set up a schedule for yourself that would cover all areas of your life, not just your work. Make sure you dedicate some time to spend with your family, spouse, children and, of course, the elderly.

8. Lastly, if you want to maintain good mental health and get through this period, coming out happy & healthy, it is important to REMAIN A HUMAN BEING.

Not a human, not a person, not a man or a woman, a HUMAN BEING.

We all react to the events that are happening right now differently. One person is angry, another couldn’t care less. Someone is not leaving their house, another is at a protest, protecting the freedom they believe in.

LIVE and LET LIVE. That’s something we all seemed to talk about a lot before this all started but completely forgotten since.

This is ALL a NORMAL reaction to not so normal events.

Everyone copes the way they can. If you don’t agree or don’t approve, for yourself, do what you judge to be right.

If you continue to bark at people for not following the standards of normality you have set up for yourself, none of the above suggestions will help you.

By trying to judge, humiliate or laugh at others, you set yourself to the path of anger and misery.

I am not encouraging you to do anything in particular, to chose a camp or a side. All I am telling you is leave others alone and live your life.

#covid lockdown #covidquarantine #covid mental health #mental heath support

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