#i am suffering academically /j

[prinnamon]

bonus finds from the credits and comments!

[Start ID. Centered white sans-serif text on a black background that reads:

Special thanks to Corky64 for noticing me first! [all caps] (Go watch Felix's Mind!)

End ID.]

though his message was since deleted, Corky (creator of Felix's Mind) was apparently the first commenter(?or at least the first established mind series creator to comment) under episode 00!

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/IRAMightyPirate from 14 years ago. It reads:

WAAAAAAAH! This was GREAT! Subscribed, faved, everything. Finally a good Chells Mind, I look forward to more.

End ID.]

IRAMightyPirate (creator of Barney's Mind) found the series shortly thereafter!

[Start ID. Centered white sans-serif text on a black background that reads:

Also, that was a real tooth noise. One of my wisdom teeth. (=_=)v ~*(muahaha)*

End ID.]

the sound of Chell's tooth clattering to the floor was made using a real tooth!

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 13 years ago. It reads:

@/Fishbro14: Well, there was Cynder, but his voice was too yound to work out. His account closed when my series started up. There's also sunshine35anddaffy, but they posted the entire series all in one day, about a month after I started. Everyone else has been a dude. I'm the only chick.

End ID.]

i'd seen other comments alluding to a Chell's Mind series by a user named CynderProductions, but i'd been unable to find it. this explains why: the creator apparently deleted not only the series but the entire channel some time after Cyh's series began.

the url https://www.youtube.com/user/sunshine35anddaffy now points to a channel named CallMePickle! lots of portal videos on that channel but no publicly-available video or playlist labeled Chell's Mind. they're not documented on the mind series fandom wiki Chell's Mind (disambiguation) page. if anyone feels like it, there's an definitely an opportunity here to do some digging and potentially find some lost mind media (or production info) while there's still something of a trail to follow ^^

comment barrage! i've tried to present these in a good order thematically, starting with plans Cyh had for the rest of the series, moving into fun facts about Chell, and ending with Silly Time. chronologically, these are a little all over the place, though. (and i didn't think to note which comments were from which episode...)

[Start ID. Two YouTube comments from 14 years ago. @/raytothemax2232's comment reads:

i wonder how chell will react to the turrets hmmmmm?

@/CyhAnide's comment reads:

Rage. Despair. Emotional hurt. Physical hurt. Mostly rage.

End ID.]

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 14 years ago. It reads:

I can't wait until I get to the Companion Cube. That'll be the best part.

End ID.]

this comment in particular made me think of this post so i made a silly edit

[Start ID. A black and white comic signed by @/goblinfriend. Two wounded soldiers in tattered clothes embrace one another on a battlefield at twilight. In the first panel, the taller one has a speech bubble that has been edited to read:

@/CyhAnide I can't wait until I get to the Companion Cube. That'll be the best part.

In the second panel, the shorter one has a speech bubble that has been edited to read, "maybe". End ID.]

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 13 years ago. It reads:

@/pagooo: I won't kill Chell, and I've already mapped out her responses to the rest of the tests. If anything, she'll be angry and ragged by the end of chamber 19, and threatening Aperture and GLaDOS with all kinds of unspeakable torments. Then she'll think she's being teleported to Hell or something.

End ID.]

[Start ID. Two YouTube comments by @/CyhAnide from 14 years ago. The first reads:

No dying. If that happened, then there's too much closure, and I can't step on potential canon. I will, however, do something to link the Half-Life and Portal worlds together a little better. So yeah, a painful fall fits into my plans nicely.

The second reads:

I probably won't add any extraneous characters, since it takes away from the isolation of the facility. I may, however, do voices for potential alternate personalities and inanimate objects. I'll see what I need in the future. Chell can't die. I won't let her--not here, at least.

End ID.]

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 14 years ago. It reads:

Indeedy-doody. I'm planning on something special for the end of the series, as well, to tie it to the Half-Life universe a little more solidly. (They're both insane. It's just that GLaDOS is in the lead right now, but Chell will pull ahead eventually.

End ID.]

lotta things we can glean from the above comments! first, Chell would not have been killed off at any point, at least during the events of the first Portal game. second, Cyh had some kind of plan to link Chell's Mind more concretely to Half-Life at the end. i wonder what that might have looked like... last, she was considering adding additional voices in Chell's head.

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 14 years ago. It reads:

Hurt...disappointed...until Chell comes around and starts to actually like the little bugger. Then Ashpod will get jealous. It will be like a mental patient's soap opera--at least, that's my goal.

End ID.]

the comment this was replying to might have gotten deleted, because it looked to me like the context was missing. another statement that Cyh's plan was to continue bringing in more and more voices like Evil Twin, Fortune-Teller, and the elevator. ASHPoD might have eventually also developed a mind of his own.

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 14 years ago. It reads:

The cake sphere is supposed to be the logic sphere, but as you can see it's a bit...broken. Chell's logic is the most pronounced of her cores, with the way she analyzes the situation and the computer's behavior throughout the game. (Good on you for noticing! Chell is becoming more and more like GLaDOS, isn't she?)

End ID.]

god, it really sounds like she was getting ready to really emphasize Chell and GLaDOS's dynamic as one another's narrative foils. i would have loved to see that.

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 13 years ago. It reads:

@/Stickbabiga: I'm thinking of a reference to Epsilon Church and his laser face. "Oh, I'M the monster?! Wheatley, blast this crazy thing with your laser face!"

End ID.]

a vision of an RvB reference we could have had if the series had made it to Portal 2...

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 13 years ago. It reads:

@/RedneckYachtClubber: Well, "Chell" is short for "Michelle", so I'm assuming it's French. It means "Lamb". ^_^ Fear not--geeks are welcome here.

End ID.]

confirmation that this Chell's name is short for Michelle! (the same is true in Rychotech's canon, according to my friend who's watched it.)

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 14 years ago. It reads:

I called her a "schizophrenic" individual for a reason. I might even have her start hearing voices--depends on how I feel when I hear recordings of my accents.

End ID.]

presented without comment. not my place to say whether this portrayal was done effectively!

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 13 years ago. It reads:

@/X4Valor: Original...though I do have my Code Red days.... My absolute favorite, however, is MD Game Fuel. @_@ Oh, the hours of gaming I managed with that stuff...

End ID.]

can't tell whether the original question was "what's Chell's favorite Mountain Dew flavor?" or "what Mountain Dew flavor is your go-to?" but it's a fun fact either way!

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 14 years ago. It reads:

The hierarchy: Ross Scott = Master of the Universe Krimsin, Pirate, Corky, and Psymon = High Court Officials Me = The Minion beneath their exalted feet. *smirk* Or the Court Jester. Come along, sire. Let us have a giggle.

End ID.]

now i wanna draw CyhChell in a jester outfit ack!!!

[Start ID. Two YouTube comments from 14 years ago. @/berretaboy357's comment reads:

Oh my god! A girl!

@/CyhAnide's comment reads:

REALLY?! WHERE?! ...Oh.

End ID.]

these last two aren't by Cyh, i just couldn't resist including them

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/grrgaap1234567890 from 13 years ago. It reads:

lol whats the game name? plz tell me and if you know the game name of freemans mind, then tell me too plz im begging you

End ID.]

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/pr3zlam3n from 12 years ago. It reads:

is this hl blue shift?

End ID.]

notes on Chell's Mind (CyhAnide)! linked a playlist since this is one of the trickier ones to find, given that all the videos are unlisted. i'm not too worried about archival since they're on Internet Archive and Cyh, as of two years ago, seems to have no intention of ever taking them down/making them private. however, it does seem like the two bloopers episodes are probably lost for good! too bad.

by the way, outside this post, i'm probably going to refer to this series' protagonist as CyhChell instead of something like ChellMind because there were/are lots of other Chell's Mind series! i plan on at least watching the one by Rychotech eventually. CyhChell is the one elevated to the status of "mindverse canon" by other mind series creators, but that doesn't mean others' efforts aren't worth appreciating :3

keep in mind that Cyh wrote and produced this series before the release of Portal 2! as such, there are ways in which Chell's Mind might not be canon-compliant. feel free to point them out in a reblog. i'm not very well-versed in portal lore yet!

EPISODE 00

Chell wakes up and isn't feeling or breathing so good! instinctively searches her brain to attribute it to having drank something the night before.

pleased with the additional jump height granted to her by the advanced knee replacement prostheses.

wants some coffee…

recalls having answered a questionnaire of some kind. cuts herself off before elaborating.

when she hears that the particle field will vaporize the box, she immediately picks it back up. she wants to see that. she specifically uses the word "torture." she wants to do HARM to this inanimate object and while she does so she wants to pretend it can feel pain

it tingles to walk through the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill! feels like static electricity.

heavily critical of all the issues (shaky elevators, suspicious floor stains) in this "nice, new" facility supposedly worth billions

“i wanna go home”

12 is a good number. she feels this way because people have told her 12 is a good number.

creeped out by the cameras at first but then starts sorta playing with them and baby-talking them

VERY nervous at the prospect of losing a limb to a badly-timed portal closure

freaked out by GLaDOS's remark about "prolonged exposure to the button." gets away from it as fast as possible. when she's out of the perceived danger, she quickly realizes it sounds like bullshit and probably isn't dangerous

complains about the use of the word "emancipation." unnecessarily long and complicated word to use when a shorter/simpler one would work just fine, she thinks.

despite her distaste for it, she gets the word “emancipation” stuck in her head after GLaDOS describes the Emancipation Grill. uses “emancipate”/”emancipation” repeatedly after this.

feels completely fine until GLaDOS suggests that the Emancipation Grill sometimes emancipates teeth. then she suddenly panics and says she can taste metal. i'm getting the sense that it is very easy to get CyhChel riled up.

thinks the portal gun is AWESOME. very excited to have it.

“i wanna go home"… 2!

prefers blue (portals, but also the color in general) over orange (portals, but also the color in general)

says she has a "bad hair day" every day. doesn't like her hair i guess :(

wants to hold onto the gun. worried the emancipation grill will take it. elated when it turns out she gets to keep it

very hungry. can't remember when she last ate.

wants more oxygen? i guess she still feels like she's having trouble breathing.

EPISODE 01

ever-present desires: food, coffee, soda, companionship, and to go home

calls the portal gun her only friend in this place. immediately starts trying to think of a name for it other than Aperture Handheld Portal Device/ASHPD.

considers the name Sebastian (Sebby or S-Diddy for short); considers the name Quirinus (she loves the letter Q); tries to think of a good anagram of the letters ASHPD (Shapd, Shpad, Dash-P, or P-Dash)

tells GLaDOS to shut up, she's busy talking to her friend the portal gun.

settles on the name ASHPoD. thinks that makes it sound like "a vegetable or an alien"

starts appealing to "Miss Computer Lady" for something to eat or drink

apparently missing lots of memories/context, which she attributes to a lack of oxygen earlier. anyway, she cannot for the life of her remember anything about GLaDOS the computer's name other than that it starts with a G

her deep hatred of storage cubes continues. she wants to vaporize them soooo bad.

starts to pick up on GLaDOS's passive-aggression and dishonesty

"I wonder which unforgivable ass-hat decided to put me in a pure oxygen environment, anyway. Sure, it was probably so that my knee replacements healed faster, and I could get on with the testing, but still….Well, okay, there was some nitrogen, but no NOS. The least they could have done was give me laughing gas. Then suffocation wouldn't have felt so terrible." ✍️ This will be important later!

remembers that meatloaf is bad. doesn't remember eating meatloaf; just remembers knowing that it's bad.

claims to have signed up for this test. can't remember why she did, but she seems sure she's here voluntarily.

says that it was between Black Mesa and Aperture, and Aperture was offering more money (for what? you’ll see.)

considers briefly that her mom might have put her up to this. it's too hard to remember, so she quits trying.

"i feel like i've never ever eaten anything in my entire life, which is freaking me out."✍️ This will be important later! but that aside, this is real. sometimes you get so hungry you get Scared

smugly suggests Black Mesa is better funded and more advanced than Aperture

incredibly attached to ASHPoD. says they'll be best friends forever even if they can't hug or have staring contests or go to the beach

pronounces her name with a soft "ch" like she’s saying the word “shell”! (in the comments of one of the episodes, Cyh confirms the name is short for Michelle, so that would be why.)

remembers her name! and… not her hometown! wow, yeah, okay her amnesia in this is far greater than i was expecting! and she's handling not being able to remember key details of her life incredibly well.

shares the freeman brothers' trait of being easily hypnotized. she loves swirling ball of light.

"all i remember is taking that test, then being told that they'd fix my legs, then going out to party, then waking up in here and suffocating." JESUS. OKAY. so CyhChell's reason for being here is coming back to her. i'm wondering,,, was this a popular theory pre-Portal 2? that Chell was lured to Aperture for testing under the guise of it just being for experimental knee surgery? or was this just a Cyh original??? like, i recognize “Chell was visiting the facility because a relative worked there and she got kidnapped” is not exactly good, but damn!

uh. anyway! she's finally circled back to the questionnaire she interrupted herself about in episode 00. apparently it asked for her favorite color at two different points and then accused her of lying when her answer changed from one shade of red to another. that's a reference to the Enrichment Center Test Subject Application Process from the now-defunct Aperture Science website! check out an archive of all the questions here on Combine OverWiki!

Chell's answers, by the way, were crimson and sangria.

"Kill me now. Death sounds awesome at this point."

slur count: 1

notices and calls out the fact that there's no scientists in the observation rooms.

thinks GLaDOS's voice might be a figment of her imagination.

fun chellism: "son of a one-eyed prairie dog"

"i wanna go home"… 3! (there was a "can i go home?" earlier as well)

one of her teeth is emancipated after the seventh test. oopsie.

EPISODE 02

slur count: 2

really broken up about the lost tooth. demands medical supplies from GLaDOS (or, if she plans to just continue emancipating all Chell's teeth, to at least prepare some soft foods for her to eat once she's no longer able to chew).

begins threatening to kill GLaDOS in various creative ways

would "slaughter a man with [her] bare hands for a Mountain Dew right about now." *excitedly tabs over to the mindverse character soda preferences spreadsheet once again*

thinks briefly about drinking the sludge.

chell "not a fan of long and complicated words when a shorter/simpler one would work just fine" lastname is certainly having fun saying "emancipated" and "accursed" (accursed? as in farms???) and "egads!" and "mucosa" this episode.

claims that smelling the acid in this room is "worse than being trapped in an unventilated room after spraying an entire bottle of tilex on every wall and rubbing my face in it! which i have never done. not even when i was drunk….okay, maybe once. when drunk. but my friends told me to do it"

sings "mary had a little lamb" in japanese in the elevator to amuse herself. she loves japanese :]

FINALLY, an opportunity to vaporize a storage cube. she thoroughly enjoys it. she does a voice for it and pretends it's pleading for its life and then laughs maniacally as it is incinerated. she incinerates five cubes before deciding to do the actual puzzle

hasn't been promised food but is expecting it.

when GLaDOS says "quit now and cake will be served immediately," chell is ECSTATIC. like, she gets to stop doing this AND she gets food? exactly what she wanted.

black forest cake is her favorite type of cake.

realizes she's not getting cake and is very upset.

is going to call GLaDOS "HAL" now as a form of retribution and as a threat

"♪ mary had a little lamb. her father shot it dead. now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread. ♪" why aren't we talking about this. can anyone hear me

EPISODE 03

notices signs of clawing/scratching on the elevator's padded walls. she says it looks "as though trapped individuals had once tried desperately to claw their way to freedom," but she seems not to believe that's actually the case.

going to call GLaDOS HAL "Hallie" now.

does a voice for ASHPoD. gives it a british accent and makes it address her as "madam." tells herself in its voice that she's going out of her mind

calls herself "short" and "a tiny person"! SHORT CHELL CONFIRMATION 🎉

finds the momentum puzzles significantly more enjoyable than everything that came before.

references Bleach, i think. i have not seen Bleach, i have no comment on this

hates physics. does NOT want a lesson on physics from GLaDOS "this early in the morning and prior to breakfast."

hearing an echoing whispered voice in her head! was just doing voices before but is legitimately hearing voices now.

the voice in her head claims to be CNN and ultimately leaves her alone because they "have to make sure [they] TiVo'd the game," prompting Chell to wonder, "Is there… TiVo… in my head?" and to request the voice also TiVo the show Fringe for her.

the voice does not like Fringe. for this offense, Chell dubs the voice "evil twin."

slur count: 3 (this one is said by evil twin)

so happy to get the second portal gun! "look, ASHPoD! it's your brother! let's hope he's not evil, like my imaginary twin. she's no fun at all."

in response to this, evil twin says "seven days."

chell thinks the situation is bad but not as bad as it could be

RED VS BLUE REFERENCE. RVB FAN CHELL.

if this is an rvb season 3 situation, she's excited to meet her clones. she'd love a clone army

more emotionally attached to the left side of her body than to the right. would sell her right kidney for $30,000 in a heartbeat if given the opportunity

assumes the result would be catastrophic if two portals collided. something about black holes and dividing by zero

getting a blister from carrying ASHPoD everywhere. it's heavy!

preferred ice cream flavors are blueberry cheesecake and pistachio

dreaming about food… cuts herself off with "i'm shutting up before i kill myself."

wants to be a ninja someday

dancing excitedly while she watches herself in the portal, now that she can put both portals on either side of a tight hallway

EPISODE 04

bets Hallie the computer has a goatee, since evil people always have goatees and the computer is evil

"along with goatees, eyeliner is shorthand for demonic possession….perhaps the computer wears eyeliner as well?" she is designing a GLaDOS humansona inside her head the likes of which the world may not be ready for

mistakes a wall light for daylight. bummed that she can't escape through it.

has had monster movie marathons. considers that a type of survival training

the only disease she'd like to contract is Worseley's Supplement. (from the comments: according to Cyh, Worseley's Supplement is "an obscure reference from an even more obscure book, the title of which escapes me every time I try to recall it. Basically, it means you're incapable of judging amounts, including zero, which leaves you guessing like a crazy person.")

"if ebola made you psychic, i think i'd wanna catch it." Okay

aware she's immune to gravity but still skeeved out by heights

needed to fill out a birth date and death date for a report she was doing on Ross Perot, but he was still alive, so she asked her teacher if she could pick a random date in the future for the death date. "'no,' says my teacher. 'wouldn't you feel bad if he actually died on that day?'…and i smiled at him and replied flatly, 'i wouldn't feel bad, no! i'd feel powerful.'" i LOVE herrrrr, this is a great anecdote

evil twin returns. apparently real-life power outages affect the headspace TV, interrupting the game evil twin was watching.

slur count: 4

new voice in her head who makes exactly one appearance. the fortune-teller. "virgos with beards who are brushing their teeth will die today." unhelpful!

makes an infinite freefall setup for fun and enrichment! it stops being fun very quickly, and she falls for SEVERAL MILES according to a title card because she cannot figure out how to stop. very shaken and relieved when it's finally over

is sick of the cameras staring at her. wants it to stop.

realizes she can knock the camera off the wall with portals. fascinated. elated. agog.

"(in a silly voice) i need mountain dew before i kill again!!!" she is so thirsty let her sip

"then again, illusion is preferable to despair." if she was offered a drug that would let her mentally escape from this situation, she'd consider taking it.

decides it's a good time to start plotting world destruction

references yu-gi-oh

"i've come to the conclusion that life is a game. my life, specifically. however, every game has its cheats." oh that's a good line

references sonic the hedgehog

she has retained the idea from earlier that the buttons emit dangerous radiation and that there are actual consequences for "prolonged exposure."

starts rambling about Erasmus and madness, seemingly trying to convince herself she "has every right to lose her mind. thoughts of terror and carnage are okay! they're totally okay because Erasmus says it's okay."

and now i have to interrupt the flow of this because this was the point when i decided to scroll down and read some of the comments on this video, and

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 14 years ago. It reads:

@/Whackjood: She's not starving or malnourished. She's just never eaten food, which causes the sensation of hunger. Because she's a clone. GLaDOS kept her in stasis in the relaxation vault prior to testing. Health-wise, she's theoretically perfect, since that's how GLaDOS operates.

End ID.]

and i didn't find this one until later, but here's a comment on a different episode along the same lines:

[Start ID. A YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 14 years ago. It reads:

@/MaxOfS2D: Unfortunately, none of that was ever confirmed by VALVe. Ergo, I can decide her story. They neglected to give Chell a background for the purpose of letting players choose what her past might be. There are also theories that she's Cave Johnson's daughter, a clone of a test subject from before GLaDOS was commissioned, she's actually an android, etc.... I don't like the idea of her getting caught on bring your daughter to work day, so I went the route that brings Black Mesa to the fore.

End ID.]

wowowowowow. that was a bombshell to just suddenly discover! the canon is that the CyhChell we follow through this series is a clone! so... whatever happened to CyhChell Prime? maybe she just came in, answered a questionnaire, had some of her DNA taken, and then got sent home with a check. i hope she at least got the knee surgery she was promised before being sent home. how many Chells came before the protagonist? what number is she? (twelve is a good number. or, so she's heard.)

huh. man. anyway..! after processing some of the implications of this, i went ahead and moved onto the last installments of the series.

EPISODE 05 (PART 1)

it's a weight off her shoulders to let go of the idea that she has to stay "sane."

remembers what it's like to rip your nails to shreds in a cheese grater obsessively trying to grate the last bits of cheese. sanity is a cheese grater

still believes the situation could be worse!

goes back to bargaining with GLaDOS instead of threatening her. "condition me to respond favorably by giving me things! preferably expensive things."

"I Lost You (Through a Portal to Hell)" is playing from an inaccessible radio in test chamber 14.

seems to believe portal guns will eventually be mass-produced. ("ASHPoD, you're gonna make people very lazy one day.")

undershoots a jump and slams into a wall.

hates mosquitoes.

can't remember speaking to anyone at Aperture since getting here. (so who administered your questionnaire, silly?)

she'd like it if someone was around to comfort her. anyone. she'd take an evil/creepy mad scientist.

vaporizes another cube for fun.

hates Valentine's Day.

wants a nap. mmm. elevator naptime.

EPISODE 05 (PART 2)

never mind about naptime, she gets up literally as soon as the elevator ride ends.

fun chellism: "oh, for the love of waffles"

reacts to GLaDOS's comment about complimentary grief counseling. "who's gonna be grieving? am i? will you be taking ASHPoD from me? or will ASHPoD be the one grieving? 😰"

"cripes, i throw like a girl. …wait, i am a girl." feels transgender in some direction

vaporizes one of the cameras.

"I Lost You (Through a Portal to Hell)" is playing from another radio. it seems inaccessible, but chell grabs it!! now that she can hear the song better, she likes it. she enjoys rock music.

trying to figure out a way to get the radio past the emancipation grill. "now that i've attained music, i can't imagine being without it. the silence was killing me inside."

"maybe i can hide [the radio] in my jumpsuit? uh… no. that won't fit. if my boobs were smaller, then we wouldn't have this problem, would we?" finally,,, a tiny bit of evidence i can point to for my transmasc/bigender CyhChell theory (wishes her boobs were smaller... just like me...)

hears the song say "portal to Hell" and gets so freaked out she vaporizes the radio. so much for music. and it makes a VERY unpleasant sound while being destroyed (she describes it later as "the radio that shrieks in pain") which hurts her ears

"portal…able… areas….por-tal-able. portable? portal-able?" can't find an easy adjective for "able to have a portal placed upon it."

doesn't understand trigonometry. feels that understanding trigonometry would make this easier.

oh, and she's been calling the high energy pellets "superballs" for a while. forgot to note it whenever it started.

"lucky for me, fortune favors the psychologically deviant."

doesn't like the phrase "more quickly." prefers her version: "quickler."

wants to get wasted at a bar after all this is over.

plans to take a nap in THIS elevator.

hears the elevator playing music for her and then talking to her (it's the voice of ian riley! yay!)

the mind series fandom wiki led me to believe that the series had been silently canceled, and that was true for a long time, but two years ago Cyh actually left a comment under episode 05 (part 2) which provided some closure!

[Start ID. An edited YouTube comment by @/CyhAnide from 2 years ago. It reads:

So. Now that pinned comments are a thing, allow me to answer some frequently asked questions... (WARNING: TEXT WALL AHEAD.) Q) Next episode when? A) Never. I'm sorry, but I'm not planning on continuing this series. Mostly because it's so old? And because I can't guarantee that I would finish it even if I did start it up again--which wouldn't be fair to the ten or twenty people who actually want it to go on. The YouTube environment is exhausting on the mental health, people. For cereal. And my channel a decade ago was nothing compared to some of today's numbers! Goodness, it even tore SBFP apart. How does Pewds survive? Q) What you up to? A) Life is going swimmingly~! I'm almost always on YouTube, but as a viewer only. You're most likely to spot me commenting on random spookytube/mysterytube videos. Also, the creator of Barney's Mind and I got married! Been together since the heyday of the MasterMinds, actually. No kids yet, but we do have an African Grey who is stealing my voice. Q) You gonna delete your videos??? D: A) Nope. At least, not all. I've made the bloopers and some of the extraneous stuff private because they're either purposeless or bothered me in some way, but I plan to leave the Chell's Mind main series up for the foreseeable future. They will be unlisted; however, I'm keeping the playlist front and center on my channel page. The reason for this is simple: I don't want them on the algorithm anymore, mostly because it only brings more people to the channel who are doomed to disappointment. To those who attach nostalgia to my series, however, I'm leaving the playlist of unlisted episodes up just for you. :D I'm sure various wiki links or whatever should also still be able to find them that way. Also, YouTube now monetizes EVERYTHING, and I don't want to contribute. =_= My videos were ad-free from birth, darn it. Conclusion: Anyway, I apologize for...ELEVEN YEARS OF SILENCE???? You all probably don't know or care, but I'm honestly kind of atrocious at keeping up with social interaction of any flavor. I'm basically the personification of every "sorry I vanished for three months" meme. Except I can vanish for years at a time without feeling pressured to return. As demonstrated by this channel. I don't even own a smart phone. Because I'd rid myself of its [ping! ping! ping!] presence within a week. XD Still, I'm happy that some of you still look back on this series and smile. It was immature at times--and probably even horribly non-PC by today's standards--but still, it's nice to know that I managed to entertain a few of you, at least a little bit. ^_^ Much love, my friends, and thank you. I hope that all my viewers, new and old, go on to lead happy, peaceful lives. =_= ~*(cyh)*

End ID.]

i think i got a little deeper into finding extra facts about one than i did for the others, but the series definitely deserved it! plus, it was short, so i could afford spending a little more time with it. although i started and finished the series and my notes for it yesterday, i took today to scroll through the comments on each video, looking for any more bombshells like "canon clone cyhchell" which i might have missed. none so earth-shattering as that, but i'll share some of my finds (in a reblog since this post is getting very long)!

[actuallyadhd]

can I be smart while also having adhd??

lately I've seen a video about a woman who found out she has adhd (jaiden animations) and I felt like she was reading my biography haha

I've related to every single experience she said. so that tickled my brain to go after some research about adhd, to then realize I relate to, like, 90% of the symptoms and go through the same situations as diagnosed people..

but when I brought the idea that I might have adhd to my therapist (that assists me for half a year), she told me she finds super unlikely that I have it because I am smart and get really good grades...

I feel like it's unfair to eliminate that idea just because I am good at school, even though I suffer with lots and lots of other things in my every day life...

Sent July 23, 2024

Most people who have ADHD have at least normal IQ (as problematic as IQ is as a concept and an applied idea), and there are a few patterns that can indicate ADHD in someone whose overall academic performance is good. I was a gifted student, but I still showed these patterns.

1. You do better at the start of the term than the end. My first report card was always straight A’s (except Phys. Ed., which was always a C or D which is actually ludicrous now I think about it) and by the end of the year most things were a B except for my favourite subjects.

2. Your locker or desk at school is always a disaster, making it hard to be prepared for class or to find needed items (e.g., assignments, text books).

3. The usual executive dysfunction issues, meaning you’re late for class a lot, you leave assignments until the last minute, you forget about things, etc.

Talk to your therapist again, or ask your doctor for a referral to a clinician who can do an assessment. Your therapist may not be qualified to diagnose, and they obviously aren’t well-educated about ADHD.

The other part of this is that even if you don’t qualify for a formal diagnosis, you are obviously struggling or you wouldn’t have brought it up to your therapist. What I suggest there is, talk to them about the problems you’re having rather than “ADHD”. Pick the thing that’s most frustrating right now, and ask them if they can help you figure out how to deal with it. Because no matter what, you need to manage your symptoms and you probably need help to sort out how to do that.

Followers, what do you think about this? Do you have any advice to offer?

-J

[ww2yaoi]

Do you have any non-fiction recs (or fiction too, I don't mind) for WW1 books? I feel like I know so much about every little detail of WW2 because so much happened politically after and that's what I study but for some reason the effects of WW1 are just kind of glossed over even at a university level, at least in my experience!

I wish I had a better answer for this but most of what I've read about WW1 was for university so it was a lot of academic articles and not really popular history books. we also focused on the Canadian experience which I don't think most people outside of Canada are that interested in lmao. but I can tell you that the two books my course used were Portraits of Battle by Peter Farrugia and Evan J. Habkirk and A Sisterhood of Suffering and Service by Sarah Glassford and Amy Shaw. Sarah Glassford is a great historian to look into if you're interested in how women contributed to the Canadian World War efforts. both very interesting, illuminating books if you're interested in Canadian history but again they're very academic (and also probably expensive and not easy to find)

other than that I am currently reading The Secret History of Soldiers by Tim Cook and it's good so far but I'm not very far into it. I've heard anything by Tim Cook is great but again it's Canadian history

I am planning to read a bunch of WW1 shit this summer (and not just Canadian stuff) so if I have any recommendations in the future I'll let you know! and if anyone else has any recommendations feel free to sound off

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Reminding Me of Me

The past several weeks have been filled with a lot of uninvited family drama involving and basically created by my brother and his wife. J and I have been unfortunately and a bit involuntarily recruited to help subdue this drama. Of course, I don't want my brother's life to be unhappy and complicated, and J and I want to help alleviate those things when and if we can, but this suffering is almost entirely self inflicted. It's been very frustrating, especially considering the solid historical pattern of my parents using me to make my brother's life easier/better, and the historical pattern of all of them overlooking and dismissing me and taking me for granted. As I told a friend privately earlier this week, since my brother has been born, I've always been called upon to serve him or ignored in his favor.

My brother was born, and when he was 3 months old (I was 11.5), my grandmother, the person I was closest to in life to that point, passed away. In addition to the obvious, practically debilitating grief, I was also forced to leave the school district I'd grown up in to attend middle school somewhere more convenient for my parents (but mostly because of my brother). I didn't get much if any emotional support for any of this, because my brother was a newborn, and he outranked me. I became my brother's surrogate mother almost immediately. My mom worked 60-80 hour weeks, and when my dad went to work (once I was out of middle/high school for the day) to his second shift job, I was left solely in charge of my brother until my mom got home from her supposedly first shift job (but she regularly worked 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and some weekends, and brought work home with her too). I sacrificed a lot of social life opportunities and even one academic opportunity in order to fulfill the responsibility of caring for my brother. I attended a local college to continue doing this. I left my first job early if my brother had an emergency or if he needed to be checked on; not my parents. When I was a new mother, after a previous traumatic pregnancy loss, my parents didn't give me much support because that's when my brother was graduating high school and starting college, and he needed them then. More than I did, they presumed. On my 40th birthday, my brother moved in with his girlfriend (now his wife). We all spent the day (and were expected to spend the day) packing boxes and moving furniture for them. No one really even acknowledged that it was my birthday. This wasn't the first year my birthday was ignored, and it also wasn't the first year I was expected to cater to my brother's girlfriend (now wife) on my birthday. The year before that, I was told to change the restaurant and the time of day we'd go out as a family because 'she doesn't want to get ready that early for brunch.' When my brother got married, my mom cried at his wedding and his reception...she barely showed any sort of emotion at all at mine. My parents gave my brother a rehearsal dinner that was nicer than his wedding; helped do all of the 'wedding' stuff; were very involved. All they did for J's and my wedding was write a couple checks (that we cut as low as possible without offending people to be easier on them).

Now, I am getting ready to go back to work outside the home part time, for the first time in 10 years, and I have a minor surgical procedure coming up in a few days. My son just started 10th grade 2 days ago, and as everyone reading here probably knows, the start of 9th grade was nearly catastrophic to his mental health. My parents and my brother and his wife are aware (at least nominally) of all of these things. But the past several weeks have been spent solely focused on my brother and his needs instead (I know, big fucking surprise).

So I've been thinking the past couple weeks that I'm having flashbacks of living back at home with my parents, where I just don't even seem to matter, and my brother gets 100% of their care, support, and attention, and I'm expected to shift 100% of mine to him too. Over the past week or so, I've even asked J and my son questions like, 'You're real, right? Our life together is real? You're my real husband/son? We have a house and a dog, right? All of this is real, right?' Because I have to remind myself that I do exist, I do matter, I have built a life where I matter and am noticed and valued; a life separate from all those old expectations and shitty feelings of being ignored and overlooked and used. And last night, J and I went on a motorcycle ride while our son was with my parents, temporarily distracting them from the depressing and anxiety inducing concentration on my brother (my mom even admitted a few days ago that this is the first time in her life she's ever felt anxiety). J took me to the small town I spent my Pre-Brother childhood in. We visited with my godfather, probably the most consistently supportive adult presence in my life who's still alive. We only talked about our family and my godfather...not my brother at all. It was nice. We didn't do our normal 'date night' routine because of my upcoming surgery; in fact the date night wasn't our idea; it was my parents', because they 'needed' time with our son to like...have some stress free enjoyment and pride in their grandchild (for a change). But it was still a great date night. J helped remind me of me. That I am a person who matters, and me mattering is unrelated to my brother and my parents, and how I can be of service to them, or what their connection to or opinion of me is, in any way.

It felt really good to be reminded of me. I was a person of value and consequence before my brother came along. And I am a person of value and consequence now, in my own built life and my own family, without him. I'm me. And I matter. And it's sad that I have to remind myself of that still. But at least I can be reminded.

[onepiece-writting-forest]

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 10 - ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡᴇ?

summary: This day should have been special, with you and Law celebrating your academic milestone together with friends and family. Yet, Laws private and closed off personality shots back at him, causing you to break down.

tags.: Law x Reader, Modern AU, Laws parents, Drama Mama (i love drama), n.sfw, mirror sex, Laws ex being back

a.n.: I'm basing the ceremony off the European (or my countries) medicine degree, since that's the only thing I am familiar with. I rewrote the last part so many times, hope you enjoy ;; ♡

>>[ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ɪɴᴅᴇx]<<

After Yuki’s little stunt, you and Law decided to play it cool. Letting her believe her plan had failed was more satisfying than giving her the reaction she wanted. You figured ignoring her attention-seeking behavior was for the best. There were more important things to focus on, like getting through the first half of university and preparing for the upcoming white coat ceremony.

While the ceremony was a big deal to you, a sign that you were officially moving from pre-clinical studies to clinical work, Law couldn’t care less. In his eyes, it was just another way for the university to inflate egos. Sure, it meant hands-on experience in the hospital, but exams weren’t going anywhere, and that white coat was just for show.

Considering that Law was aiming to be a cardiac surgeon, the coat didn't mean much to him. He wouldn’t have to deal with the coat—or much small talk with patients, either. His grin widened slightly at the thought of working in the OR, his patients unconscious while he was hands deep in their bodies.

You caught his expression as he lounged back on your couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, with an almost crooked grin of his.

“What you thinking about?” you asked, glancing at him in the mirror while fixing your hair. A towel was still wrapped around you from your shower.

His eyes flicked lazily toward you, the grin still playing on his lips. “Nothin’.”

“Mhm, sure,” you said, unconvinced. “Anyway, aren’t you going to get ready? Maybe shave?”

“Don’t like my beard?” he teased, a smirk still there as he rubbed over the faint stubble on his cheeks.

“With those dark circles, you’re starting to look like a junkie. Go on, hop to it.”

He sighed dramatically, and gave in. “Yes, ma’am.” Dragging himself off the couch, he brushed past you on his way to the bathroom, clearly not in a hurry.

Even though neither of you had made anything official, Law had started leaving a few things at your place—spare clothes, his shampoo, a razor, toothbrush. It was clear you were more than just casually dating now, but neither of you felt the need to define it. Things just were.

As you joined him in the bathroom and slipped into your underwear dropping the towel, he leaned over the sink, applying shaving cream to his face.

“Any of your people coming?” he asked, washing his hands before starting on the shaving.

You hummed and clipped your bra closed at the back “Just Bonney and Nami, how about you?”

He let out a long-suffering sigh, the corner of his mouth twitching. “Unfortunately, yes. My parents and Rosi.”

“You don’t want them to come?”

He paused, staring at his reflection for a second before dragging the razor across his jawline carefully. “They’ll just... make it a thing.” He grimaced slightly, wondering if they would have been just as proud if he didn't pursue medicine. He knew Rosinante would, but he wasn't too sure about his parents..

"Well," you said with a smile, "it's kind of a big deal."

"For you, maybe." He smirked at your reflection in the mirror. "I'm just here for the surgeries."

You rolled your eyes playfully. “Fine, fine. But you’re still shaving, so I win this round.”

“Only because I don't want to look like a 'junkie,’” he muttered, wiping his face with a towel and checking in the mirror again if he did a proper job. He let his fingers run over his face, while you watched him with a little smile, taking in how handsome he was. Even with that rough stubble he just removed, your heart still skipped a beat whenever you admired him.

You stepped closer and pressed a gentle kiss on his neck. Law watched you through the mirror, a faint grin tugging on the corners of his lips. As much as he liked the sweet moment, he couldn’t help but tease you. His hand sneakily found its way to your rear, suddenly grabbing your ass cheek and making you gasp in surprise.

Before you could protest, he walked you against the glass door of your shower. You pressed your hands against his chest, knowing well where this was heading. “Law, we don’t have time,” you protested, a chuckle leaving your lips as he started to dip his head down to your throat, peppering it with gentle kisses.

Your breath caught at his touch, each kiss sending a shiver down your spine. His hand still cupped your cheek, his thumb gently stroking your skin as he murmured, “Who cares…” against your neck. The shower door pressed cold against your back, a stark contrast to the heat radiating from Law’s body.

“I do,” you insisted, trying to keep your voice steady despite the way his proximity was making your heart race. “I still have to get dressed.”

At this point you really questioned if Law was actually in the mood or wanting to waste precious time.

It was probably both.

Law chuckled softly, the sound vibrating through his chest and into yours where your hands were placed in protest. “Do you?” he challenged, his tone dripping with playful arrogance. Without giving you a chance to respond, he skillfully snapped your bra open, the straps slipping off your shoulders and the fabric dangling loosely over your breasts.

You gasped, more in surprise than objection, and couldn't help but laugh at his antics. “I just put that on, Law,” you exclaimed, trying to cover yourself with your arms while you kept one hand on him, gentle pushing him off. But it was no use. You could tell by his smirk that he wouldn’t let you go.

“Never heard of a quickie?” Law teased, stepping even closer until your bodies were flush against each other. His free hand slid down to your waist, pulling you tighter against him.

 “Please explain that to your parents, once we are late,” you retorted, though your resolve was weakening with each passing second. His touch was insistent, his kisses on your throat relentless, and the way he looked at you—like you were the only thing in the world that mattered—was intoxicating.

“None of their business…” Only a murmur escaped his lips, brushing them against yours now. His breath was hot against your mouth, tempting you to give in. It was getting harder to resist with every second, and you couldn’t deny that you were getting in the mood slowly, the heat in your body radiating to your core.

"…Alright, but make it quick." you sighed with a smile, giving Law the approval he needed to hear from you.

Law stepped back to pull you towards the sink. Facing the mirror, you saw him standing pressed against you, watching your reflection with a thirsty glance.

“Law…here?” you started, but his fingers found the waistband of your panties, hooking under the fabric and tugging them down your legs until they pooled at your ankles. You honestly didn't expect to have a quickie in the bathroom, considering the bedroom was right next to it. Neither did you expect to be watching how he would fuck you.

“Why not?” he mumbled, knowing that you wouldn’t protest anymore and challenging you to do so. He knew how to seduce you, and you cursed yourself for giving in, even pushing yourself against him to feel his hard cock against his jeans. Somehow the mirror in front of you made it more exciting.

Law’s smile was approving once he felt you grind at him. He let his finger run between your folds, making you sigh in satisfaction. There had to be time to get you properly wet before indulging in the quickie. You quickly tossed your bra to the side, giving his free hand more room to play.

He nipped at your earlobe before trailing kisses down your neck, slowly putting pressure on your clit as he captured your chest with his free hand. The cold air in the bathroom gave you goosebumps, stiffening your nipples which only perked up even more once his skilled fingers pinched them gently.

“Law, please…” you whimpered, your voice barely a whisper as you leaned back against him, completely at his mercy. Your hands gripped the edge of the sink as you moved against his fingers, already feeling the heat pooling at your core.

“Please what?” he whispered against your ear, his voice low and soothing. He moved one hand to your hip, guiding you to spread your legs slightly. With his other hand, he continued to massage your clit, his fingers sliding in slow, deliberate circles.

“Stop wasting time, for god’s sake. Fuck me already.” You voice was demanding, which made Law grin at you amused through the mirror. If the time wasn’t short, he’d lecture you not to command him around, letting you know who was in control. But he gave in, just this once.   

You bit your lip, trying to stifle a moan as his fingers worked their magic. The sensation was overwhelming, and you could feel your body responding eagerly to his touch. Your hips began to move on their own, grinding subtly against his hand and spreading your juice on his fingers.

Law’s grip on your hip tightened, and he shifted behind you, positioning himself. The sticky wetness on his fingers told him he could continue. He reached down and unbuckled his belt, the sound sharp and loud in the quiet bathroom. The rustle of fabric followed as he pushed his jeans and boxers down enough to free his throbbing erection.

You felt the head of his cock press against your entrance, your body trembling with anticipation. Law held you steady, his hand returning to your hips as he guided himself inside you, luring a sweet moan out of you.

The initial penetration was slow, almost agonizingly so, as he filled you inch by inch. You arched your back, pressing yourself closer to him, desperate for more. The feeling of being stretched around him was incredible, and you couldn’t help but call out his name.

"Law..." you breathed, your voice trembling with anticipation. Your eyes locked with his in the mirror, and you saw the same hunger reflected back at you. The way you arched your back, pressing your ass against his hips in desperation, was just perfect. You wrapped an arm around his neck from behind, pulling him closer, feeling the heat of his body seep into yours.

Law began to move, his thrusts slow and deliberate at first, allowing you both to adjust to the connection. He watched your face closely, not being able to pull his eyes from the sight in front of him. "You’re so beautiful," his voice thick with desire and almost affectionate, contrasting with the rough pace he was picking up.

You cried out his name, not being able to hold onto him anymore as the room filled with the sound of skin clapping, letting yourself fall forward, gripping the ceramic of the sink. Law grabbed a handful of your hair and pulled your head up, forcing you to look back at the mirror. As he kept moving, he leaned down close to your ear, never separating his eyes from your reflection. "Let me see that pretty face of yours."

You couldn’t properly respond, moans slipping through your lips as you rocked against the sink from his rhythmic thrusts. Your eyes locked with his, now admiring him while he fucked you. His lips were parted, letting out low grunts as his eyebrows furrowed each time he snapped his hips against you. Seeing him like this clouded your mind, causing your thighs to shake in pleasure.

"You like this, don’t you?" he grunted with a grin, grabbing your chin and turning your face away from the mirror, now facing him. With a swift move, he pulled your body up again, causing your back to arch once more. Law had a tight grip on you, as he thrust relentlessly with a pace that made your tits bounce along.

His hands traveled up your body, cupping your breasts and squeezing them roughly. You gasped, your back arching even further as he continued to pound into you. The sensation was overwhelming, leaving you breathless. You could feel your orgasm building, your core tightening with each thrust.

"Law, I’m… I’m close," you panted, your voice broke as you tried to keep up with him.

He didn’t respond with words, only a growl of satisfaction as he picked up the pace even more. His fingers dug into your flesh, leaving marks that you would no doubt feel later, but you didn’t care. All you cared about was the overwhelming need to come, to let go and surrender to the pleasure he was giving you.

"Look at me," he commanded, his voice hoarse with need.

You obeyed, your eyes meeting his as he continued to drive into you. The intensity of his gaze was enough to push you over the edge, and you felt your walls clench around him as you came. You called out his name shamelessly into the room as you body tensed up. Law followed right after, his own climax hitting him hard as he buried himself deep inside you, his low moans echoing off the walls.

For a moment, everything was quiet except for the sound of your ragged breathing. Law slowly pulled out of you, causing his load to spill and run down your inner thigh. You collapsed forward, grabbing old of the sink once more to steady yourself. Law leaned above you, kissing your cheek ever so gently, as usual after he ruined you within moments.

You slowly looked up, looking at him through the mirror. You hair was a mess, your cheeks flushed and your breath was going quick.

Law wanted to admire you a bit longer, but suddenly got scolded.

You turned around, slapping his chest and the lecture began. “Great now I have to shower again! You made a mess!” You pointed at your naked body, his cum down your inner leg and dripping on the bathroom tiles. Law could only chuckle as he tucked his dick back into his jeans and closed his belt. “Haven’t looked more beautiful.” He leaned down, cheeky grin on his lips which made you almost melt right at the spot. But you held you stance and rolled your eyes, with a smile cracking your lips.

“Get dressed or I will tell you parents.”

With your last words being said, you stepped aside to shower once more, while Law cozily walked into your bedroom, seemingly satisfied. The ceremony didn’t seem so bad after this.

Law stood in the living room, checking his outfit in front of the mirror. He dragged his shirt on, clearly being uncomfortable in it. The hem hung loosely over his belt, untucked, and he wasn’t going to bother fixing it.

He’d much rather be in his usual jeans and hoodie, but today, there wasn’t much of a choice.

You glanced over at him as you finished getting ready and stepped out. He was adjusting his collar with a half-hearted effort, but his gaze quickly shifted to you.

His eyes swept over your figure, lingering for a moment, before a faint smile tugged at his lips. To him, you were stunning no matter what. But seeing you all dressed up, made his heart skip a beat. You looked stunning, it almost took his breath away. He wasn’t used to seeing you like this.

While he was silently appreciating you, you leaned against the door frame with a teasing grin. “Looking fine, Trafalgar.”

His smile dropped instantly as he looked back at his reflection in the mirror, adjusting his shirt again. “Stop that.”

But you weren’t about to be convinced otherwise. The black button-up shirt stretched slightly across his shoulders whenever he moved, highlighting the muscles beneath. The top buttons were left open, revealing a glimpse of the tattoos on his chest and collarbone. He paired it with black dress pants that made his long legs look even more refined compared to his usual tight-fitting jeans.

You'd never seen him like this before, and the change caught you off guard—in a good way. Even the watch on his wrist, a gift from Rosinante, added an unexpected touch of sophistication.

“Seriously,” you said with an approving nod, “you look hot.”

Law grumbled something under his breath, but there was no hiding the faint flush creeping up his neck. “Don’t get used to it.”

Chuckling you stepped closer and adjusted his collar. “Too late.”

You arrived together in front the ceremony hall, students dressed in the same formal attire were already gathering outside, standing around small cocktail tables with drinks—most holding glasses of champagne. People were chatting with family and friends who had come to witness the event. It was all very proper.

As you and Law approached the crowd, it suddenly hit you—you’d be meeting his parents today.

How did you completely forget about that?

You told yourself it wasn’t a big deal. You weren’t even sure what you were to him. His…friend? That didn’t fit at all. His girlfriend? Maybe, but was Law ready to use that word?

While you spiraled in your thoughts, Law was the picture of calm, casually spinning his bike keys around his finger. He clearly wasn’t fazed. To him, it wasn’t a big deal at all.

“Law?” you stopped walking for a moment, causing him to glance back at you with raised eyebrows.

“Mh?”

“Do your parents know that... uh, you know...” You gestured awkwardly between the two of you, unsure of what to call this. You hoped he’d get the hint without you having to say it outright.

Law just stared at you for a beat, processing your question. “That we... you know, are a thing?”

Your heart pounded in your chest, waiting for his answer.

“I never felt the need to tell them,” he said casually, his tone nonchalant.

You felt your chest tighten at that, and not in a good way. You knew Law was private—he didn’t share much with anyone—but hearing it still stung. Was this... you... not important enough to him? Your mind raced, and despite your best efforts to push it away, you couldn’t help but think of the pictures you’d seen on Yuki’s social media—the ones with Law’s family, her standing there like she belonged.

He must’ve noticed the shift in your expression because suddenly, his hand rested on your back, gentle but reassuring. “Hey,” he said softly, “don’t overthink it. I barely tell them anything.”

“Okay...” you mumbled, but it didn’t quite convince you. You forced a smile, but inside, doubts lingered.

As you walked into the crowd together, your mood had taken a sudden dip. Your thoughts spiraled, clouding over the excitement you’d felt earlier. Law, never the best at emotional support, glanced over at you but wasn’t sure what to say. He hoped that once you met his parents, things would shift. To him, it didn’t really matter what they thought. He liked you—well, more than like you—and that should’ve been enough, right?

“Hey, Law!” Rosinante’s booming voice snapped both of you out of your heads. He stood at a cocktail table, dressed in a suit that was unmistakably his own style—loud and unique. Beside him were two people who could only be Law’s parents.

Your heart raced as you approached them, and your throat felt dry. You suddenly wished you could reach for Law’s hand, to hold it for some kind of comfort. But his hand was buried deep in his pocket, leaving you feeling strangely vulnerable.

When you reached the table, you forced a nervous smile. Law’s parents eyed you curiously, surprise flickering across their faces. It stung, realizing they hadn’t known about you. You had been hoping, even if just a little, that maybe Law had mentioned you in passing.

“My little baby, I’ve missed you! Come here!” His mother, Lea, wrapped Law in a tight hug, squeezing him affectionately. Law’s posture stiffened, clearly not the biggest fan of the physical affection, but you caught a small, almost imperceptible smile tugging at his lips. His father, Matheo playfully ruffled his hair, the pride in his eyes unmistakable.

“And who is your friend?” Matheo asked, turning to you with a warm, friendly smile.

You swallowed the knot in your throat, relieved by their kindness, though the nerves still fluttered inside you.

“I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you,” you said, shaking their hands, doing your best to keep your voice steady.

“Lea,” his mother said with a smile, squeezing your hand lightly. “And this is Matheo.”

Matheo broke the ice with small talk, making you feel a little more at ease. “So, you met through university? Rosi mentioned something about that.”

You nodded, relaxing slightly. At least someone thought it was worth mentioning. “Yeah, we met while studying for an exam.”

Lea smiled warmly, glancing at Matheo with so much love it warmed your heart. “Oh, that’s how we met too,” she said, her eyes twinkling as she looked at her husband, who chuckled softly.

But then, Lea’s expression shifted, her enthusiasm rising as she asked, “So, which part of the North are you from?”

The question caught you off guard. Had Rosinante mixed something up? Before you could respond, you sensed a shift in Law’s mood. You could hear the faint jingle of his keys as he fidgeted with them in his pocket. Something was off, but you couldn’t quite figure out what.

“I’m actually from the East,” you replied, feeling a bit shy. “Just a small town.”

For a brief moment, you noticed something shift in his parents’ expressions—was that disappointment?  

You felt a pang of unease. You knew the East wasn’t prestigious or well-known for much, but you’d never felt ashamed of where you came from. Still, their reaction stung.

You were pulled from your thoughts when Bonney and Nami approached your table, both flashing wide smiles, true to their word about attending your ceremony. They were dressed to impress, each in tight-fitting dresses and heels, the daringly low necklines drawing more than a few glances. The moment they wrapped you in a warm hug, some of your nerves melted away—you were grateful to have your friends by your side in what felt like an awkward situation.

“Thanks for being here you two,” you greeted them, the relief evident in your voice.

“Of course! How could we miss our favorite doctor getting her lill' white coat?” Bonney teased lovingly, giving your cheek a playful pinch. Meanwhile, Nami offered Law a friendly nod and a quick smile, a much quieter but no less genuine greeting.

“And congratulations to you too, Law,” Nami added.

“Thanks, I appreciate it,” Law replied, his smile small but sincere. Despite the headaches your friends had given him at their first encounter, he was starting to warm up to them. Their genuine support and friendliness were hard to resist, even for him. It reminded him, in a strange way, of his own two overly enthusiastic friends.

“Is this your family?” Bonney asked, glancing over at Law’s parents and Rosinante, who was quick to step forward with a broad grin, extending his hand.

“Proud uncle of our little Law! So nice to meet you,” Rosinante beamed, shaking hands enthusiastically.

You couldn’t help but notice that Law’s parents—especially his mother—seemed to force their smiles just a little. Lea, in particular, kept casting subtle, judgmental glances at Bonney and Nami, her eyes flicking to the cleavage on display. The tension was palpable, and you shifted uncomfortably, unsure of how to feel.

Nami, ever perceptive and clearly used to these kinds of looks, wasn’t about to let it slide. As she reached out to shake Lea’s hand, she leaned in a bit closer, purposefully emphasizing the very thing that had drawn Lea’s attention. Rubbing it in—literally, almost under Lea’s nose—she smiled sweet and unfazed. “It’s great to meet you. Guess Law got his eyes from his beautiful mother.”

Her casual confidence and charm caught Lea off guard for a moment, a small smile formed on her lips. “Oh, please, that’s too kind.”

Law shot you a quick glance, clearly picking up on how Nami had defused the tension with his mother. He had to admit, her response was sharp—turning the obvious judgment into a compliment. It was a clever move, one that he could appreciate. And, it worked. His mother, who had been cool and a bit standoffish, seemed to soften under Nami’s charm.

You couldn’t help but smile slightly, feeling a sense of pride in how smoothly your friends were handling the situation. They didn’t just blend in—they took control of the moment with grace. Bonney, in particular, was in her element, chatting with Matheo like they were old friends. Her laughter was infectious, and she’d already managed to crack a couple of jokes that had him chuckling.

For a brief moment, Law caught your eyes again, the faintest hint of a grin tugging at his lips. Your friends really knew what they’re doing.

As people began to trickle inside, the soft buzz of conversation suggesting it was time for the ceremony to start, you and Law made your way toward the stage. Your friends and family settled into the audience, ready to watch the proceedings. Names were called one by one, and when your name echoed through the hall, you stepped up to receive your diploma, marking the completion of the pre-clinic stage. The head of the medical department gave a long, somewhat dry speech, but even you had to admit it was inspiring in parts.

Bonney and Nami were your biggest cheerleaders, erupting into loud applause that made you feel like a star on your big day. Law’s family, seated nearby, clapped just as loudly when his turn came, though you could see from a distance that Rosinante was the one shedding tears of pride. It warmed your heart to see how much this meant to him.

Once the ceremony wrapped up, you rushed to your friends, falling into their arms as they hugged you tight, bursting with pride. Law endured a similar treatment from his family, although his awkwardness was clear—he wasn’t one for big emotional displays. You could tell he thought the whole ordeal was a bit much, already counting down the minutes until he could go home and relax.

As everyone drifted outside, Bonney and Nami split off to grab a round of champagne, eager to kick off the celebrations. You watched them walk away, but the familiar judgmental look from Lea caught your attention. It seemed Nami's charm hadn't quite been enough to change her mind completely.

And just as you thought you could finally relax and enjoy the celebration, the person you wished to never see again approached your group.

Your heart sank the moment you saw Yukis confident smile.

“Ah, Matheo! Lea! I thought it was you!” her overly sweet voice rang out as she greeted Law’s parents with far too much enthusiasm. Your stomach twisted as Lea and Matheo welcomed her rather warmly, while Law clenched his jaw in visible annoyance. Rosinante, standing nearby, looked equally displeased, his frown deepening as Yuki ignored him entirely and turned her attention to Law, acting as though you weren’t even there.

“Congratulations, Law,” she cooed, her voice so sugary it made your skin crawl. “You’ll be amazing in the clinic phase. No surprise, being the son of such great doctors.” She lightly touched Law’s arm, but he quickly pulled away, the whole scene making you feel nauseous.

“You’re just as prestigious,” Lea chimed in, her chuckle sickeningly sweet. “I’ve heard wonderful things about your internship at Lvneel. If you ever need a spot, let us know—we can help you secure one.”

Yuki’s face lit up with fake gratitude. “Thank you so much! I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

Before you could even process how frustrating this exchange was, Bonney and Nami returned, carrying trays of champagne glasses. The moment they saw Yuki standing there, chatting away as if she and Law were still together, their moods shifted instantly.

Bonney didn’t hesitate, cutting right to the point. “Sorry, this is a family table. And you are?” Her tone was dripping with hostility, clearly not caring to hide her disdain. Lea looked taken aback, quickly stepping in to defend.

“It’s fine. She’s family,” Lea said, as if that settled the matter.

Nami looked genuinely shocked, exchanging a bewildered glance with you and Law before turning back to Yuki, who smiled innocently. “Yeah, no,” Nami said firmly. “I’d much rather she wasn’t here.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yuki, please…,” Law sighed, his voice thick with frustration. Rosinante crossed his arms, standing ready to intervene if necessary, nodding in agreement to make it clear she wasn’t welcome.

Lea and Matheo looked at each other, a bit confused and conflicted.

Yuki’s expression twisted into one of hurt, her performance impressive in its own right. “I just wanted to say congratulations,” her voice shaking as if her heart had just broken. You could barely believe the scene unfolding in front of you—Bonney and Nami were equally shocked, while Law looked beyond fed up, his irritation boiling over.

You had a strong feeling that Law's parents were missing out on something about their sons past relationship. You couldn't quite pinpoint any other reason. Something just felt off.

Rosinante finally intervened, sensing how close things were to spiraling out of control. He placed a gentle hand on Lea‘s shoulder, speaking with a gentle authority. “Can we talk? Just for a moment, please.” His voice was steady but firm, completely ignoring the venomous glare Yuki shot his way. Law noticed it too, and for a second, he wanted to knock that smug look off her face.

Lea and Matheo exchanged glances once more, realizing Rosinante wasn’t giving them a choice. They nodded and agreed to step aside for a private conversation. As they walked away, you exhaled sharply, feeling the tension shift but not fully dissipate.

The moment they were out of sight, Bonney locked eyes with Yuki, her protective instincts flaring up. The intensity of her gaze could’ve cut through steel. “Listen here, you little bitch,” Bonney spat, her voice low and dangerous. “You better leave before I ruin your face with my fist.”

Yuki didn’t even flinch. She eyed Bonney up and down with an air of arrogance, then scoffed dismissively. “Sure,” she said, her tone dripping with disdain. Then, without missing a beat, she turned to Law with the same smug expression. “Enjoy yourself with your loser friends.”

Bonney lunged toward her, fury radiating from her, but Nami grabbed her arm just in time, holding her back. Nami’s eyes, however, were locked on Yuki, her calm demeanor doing little to hide the fire in her gaze. They both watched as she strutted away, her confidence nauseating. Every step she took felt like another jab, but you knew in your gut that she was just putting on a show to make you feel small.

Bonney shook off Nami’s grip but didn’t pursue Yuki any further, though the desire to do so was clear in her eyes. “Unbelievable,” she muttered, her knuckles white as she clenched her fists.

“I can’t believe they let her get away with this,” Nami added quietly, her voice filled with frustration.

Law's gaze softened as he looked at you, his attempt at reassurance falling short, even though his words were sincere. “Sorry Y/N, didn't expect her to come over,” he sighed, but the truth was, it didn’t ease the knot in your stomach.

“Why didn’t you mention me to your parents?” Your voice finally broke, a mixture of hurt and frustration seeping through. You had been holding it in for too long, and now, standing in front of Law, you couldn’t help but confront him.

Law blinked, clearly caught off guard by your question. Nami and Bonney exchanged glances but stayed quiet, sensing the tension thickening around the table.

“Why would I do that?” Law asked, genuinely puzzled. His tone was cool, almost dismissive, as if it hadn’t even occurred to him that this might matter.

But it mattered to you.

“Are we not serious?” Your voice rose, cutting through the heavy silence. “What is this to you, Law? You're acting like it's some casual fling. And now I meet your parents before you even tell them about me?”

Law’s expression hardened, his irritation rising to meet yours. “If I wasn’t serious, I wouldn’t still be here,” he shot back, his voice low but tense. He didn’t feel like he had to explain himself—he was the one who’d decide when and how to introduce you to his parents. Why were you so hung up on it? Wasn't it enough that he liked you?

“Oh, but your ex is somehow still part of the family, huh?”

“She isn't.” Law fired back, his irritation clear in his voice. “She’s not a part of anything anymore.”

“Oh, really?” you countered, sarcasm dripping from your words. “Because it sure seems like she still is!”

“Are you dense or something?” Law snapped, the sharpness of his words cutting through the air. It stung, but you refused to back down.

Nami shifted and Bonney opened her mouth to say something, but it was too late. The argument had already ignited, and there was no stopping it now.

A bitter laugh escaped your lips, cold and unforgiving. “Am I? Or are you?” You took a step closer, eyes narrowing as you searched his face for any crack in his facade. “You didn’t think to mention that you have a toxic ex who still seems to have feelings for you? Or that your parents still love that ex? What’s next, Law? Is there something else you’re hiding? Do you have a kid you forgot to mention?”

Law’s mouth opened, but no words came out. His eyes flickered with something—maybe guilt, maybe realization—but he didn’t speak.

"You’re leaving me alone in all of this." Your voice cracked despite your best efforts to hold it together. Tears brimmed at the edge of your eyes, but you blinked them away, determined not to let them fall. A bitter, hollow laugh escaped your lips as you grabbed your bag, slinging it over your shoulder with a sharp movement. "This is ridiculous."

Law's eyes widened slightly, as if realizing too late where this was heading. He took a small step toward you, his expression a mixture of guilt and frustration, but he didn’t say anything.

You shot him a glance, one filled with hurt he didn’t know how to respond to. “Thanks for nothing, Law.”

The words stung, hanging in the air between you like a blade poised to strike as you left. He stood there, silent, his usual calm exterior cracking just enough for you to see the turmoil beneath.

You felt the tears threatening to spill over, but you kept moving, your feet carrying you away from the event.

taglist: @mars-mizuko, @tadomikiku, @hopelesslover06 , @loraleiii, @mwhahahalasagna

(Let me know in the comments and I’ll add you 🖤)

[masongrizchel]

How It All Started From False Hopes 🌟

This is a personal story of mine. 🌟And ...

It all started with false hopes. 😔

​One of my high school teachers offered help for me to take an entrance exam. During my last days as a senior (4th year), I was wondering how my future would go. Unsure of what the future holds, whether I will go to college or not. The thoughts of not being able to study gushes like waves at high speeds. But the reality that the moment presents is that I CAN'T (financially). I was overwhelmed by finding all the means and resources that I could use to maximize that time. 💭

I was able to take other entrance examinations to other universities both local and private from the earnings that I was able to collect. And fortunately, I passed. But it wasn't good enough. I haven't considered the transportation expenses as well as the extra money needed for food and internet access. This was one of my early financial constraints. No one was there to support me but myself. I CANNOT ENTER COLLEGE. Tuition fees that need to be settled every semester are costly. The chance of making my dream come true is to pass the entrance examination that my teacher asked me to take, which is also based on the student teacher who observed us at that time. 💸

This mind-blowing thought of going to college, to me at least, is too ideal. I have this idea rushing as I walk the approximate 3-4 km distance from my place to school. I also imagine myself wearing school uniforms from different schools which I took entrance tests. 🚶‍♂️📚

Time Skip: Enter graduation 🎓

The school year ended, but still the mindset that I can no longer enter college is realistic enough that made me lose all the possible means and hopes. Two months have passed after the examination. It is around 5 pm when I decided to walk from my place to somewhere and decided to gaze at the list of passers.

In front of the university admissions building approximately 10 meters, I saw the bulletin board with almost 30-40 pages of paper with names from A to Z.

As I walk, my heart rushes.

tug dug

tug dug

tug dug

The board becomes clearer and clear. I stood in front of it. And took a deep breath.

A

B

C

D

E

F

G familiar names appeared

H

I

J

K

L

still wondering why some of my friends didn’t passed

*I skipped M

N

O

P

Q

R

S

T

U

V

W

X

Y

Z

The nervousness increased

I browsed at M. Then, surprise. I saw my name. I qualified, I passed. This boosted my motivation to find means to enter college. But realty is too frank to make me realize that it is impossible. And it is the sad truth. 😳

Time flies, someone offered a help. I accepted it. I was able to push through. I gave up my work as a school canteener in the school where I obtained my high school diploma. 🤝

Finally I was able to enter college. I just wanted to finish my degree and uphold the dreams that I have during that time. I also imagined my self to graduate with Latin Honors. But 1st semester of my first year destroyed that dream. Hahaha! I received a grade of 2.75 in English 1. 📚😅

The sole reason is my tardiness - attendance affected my grade in the subject mentioned. The class starts at 7:30 am, and I arrive at 8:01 am. I struggled in academics, due to lack of interest (especially some of the gen ed subjects). I enjoyed the major subjects (physics, chemistry, and earth science). 🕒

Two years … Three years … Four years have passed. Time flies so fast. I felt that the content that I obtained is insufficient for me to become a fine astrophysicist. Since I also loved different learning opportunities outside the classroom. I met various people. I wanna become part of the community that they are in (and it is the science community). 🌌

I suffered a lot, mental, emotional, and intellectual. My math and physics is insufficient. I jumped from high school physics to graduate physics which demands familiarity with (1) Differential equations, (2) Integral Calculus, (3) Trigonometry, (4) College and advanced Algebra, (5) Linear Algebra. 🔢

So far so good, I was able to cope up, Not fully, but familiarity took time. I learned advanced math when I entered grad school. And I’m very thankful to learn so much things from great professors that shaped my view about the values of learning. The essence of passion, perseverance, and determination to chase your dreams. And dream further once you achieve a dream after dream. 💪

Sometimes, dream starts from false hopes. But when you turned that falseness into truth. We can essentially make things possible as long as you live the dream and take appropriate actions to turn it in to reality. Life itself is bounded by choices. It is our choice to become the person who we really wanted to be. This kind of existential crisis defines our very own existence. There should always be a start, there should always be a turning point. This will help you out reach point A to your desired point B. 🛤️

Oh well gotta do some graduate student stuff. (By the way, I got shortlisted for the Ph.D. Astrophysics and Data Science - Artificial Intelligence program), hopefully, they'll reach out and fund my research proposal. 🎓🔭

Yosh! 💪

[phumelelanene]

Balancing on the Brink of Becoming an Occupational Therapist: Looking Back and Moving Forward

[insert a quote about being on the edge of the cliff] Like most things in my life, I fill in things as I go, but I guess that is a skill you must have if you want to conquer OT. I don’t want to lie and say the journey to this cliff was easy but looking back I can confidently say I was in a Jumanji movie at some point. There were slippery slopes, snakes, curveballs, and sunshine(sometimes). Now as I stand on this cliff, I realized that as much as it was a struggle getting here, I’m now equipped with enough knowledge to carry me across the valley to the other side.

Along the way to the top, I have learned to value the presence of my colleagues and friends, good friends are always better in tough situations. Whether in class, fieldwork, or during the 5-minute breaks our lecturers give us they are always there to support, comfort, or make bad jokes. I could see how their presence played a big role in my enjoyment of OT so far because truly speaking I was SUFFERING during the first year when I knew no one and was shy, ironically.

Okay, I’ll confess, I thought supervisors are the biggest hurdle placed on our paths to make our lives just miserable. As a first-year student seeing older students from fieldwork traumatized me, you could see the tolerable amount of unhappiness on their faces, and it was safe to say I was not looking forward to practicals. Now I truly don’t know how I would survive fieldwork without them, I don’t want to even imagine it. In this uphill battle, they were a source of assistance, reassurance, and so much more, they are literal advantages (which I will use until nothing is left) in this Jumanji jungle.

So here is the quote: Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone. So here I stand on the edge of triumph, poised to leap into the unknown. The echoes of past challenges remind me that growth flourishes when we dare to venture beyond what's familiar. As I prepare to descend over the valley, armed with knowledge and fortified by the bonds forged with colleagues, friends, and supervisors, I am confident that I possess the tools not only to survive but to thrive. Just as the view from this cliff's edge is breathtaking, so too is the scene that awaits on the other side – a landscape of possibilities, achievements, and a future illuminated by the wisdom of the journey.

Rushton, T. (2018). Exploring the Lived Experience of Being an Occupational Therapy Student With Additional Support Requirements (Order No. 28460718). Available from ProQuest One Academic. (2519949450). https://ukzn.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://www.proquest.com/dissertations-theses/exploring-lived-experience-being-occupational/docview/2519949450/se-2

Tryssenaar, J. (1999). The lived experience of becoming an occupational therapist. British Journal of Occupational Therapy, 62(3), 107-112.

Day in the life of a Health Sciences student, Andiswa Bhiya: https://youtu.be/BCWYsxetkv0

[seelestia]

OH NO WHY IS IT ACTUALLY WORKING.. (where’s kazuha i wanna give him a lil smooch 😽 /hj)

omg thank you!! i worked super hard on it and i just love how it turned out (i am not changing it anytime soon, if i do - you’re free to call me out for it 🏃‍♀️💨 /lh) HONKAI STAR RAIL WAITING PARTY LEZZGO 🧚💕

hm, no not really.. but out of topic, yanqing looks so squishable <3 and he’s being voiced by amber may?? SHEESH.

omg yay!! super proud of you for getting through it all <3 i have to suffer next tuesday, not prepared in the slightest because of my recent trip to the doctor - got diagnosed with anxiety disorder and i’m being sent to a psychologist soon 😞 though, i am getting academic help starting may 1st - my grades aren’t the best rn /srs. wanderer my skrunkly pookie honeybun sugarplum lovie dovie baby love 🥺🥺🥺

tighnari <333 i mean what,, but yes he found me 🥰 (now let me touch.. the.. ears.. hehe. /hj)

lia enabler era, i shall continue to alert my friends every second of the day - to show my love and appreciation for our dearest genshin men 😇

i still remember your kazuha phase from when we first became moots... BRING IT BACK!! (/lh) and the roblox memes too!! here, i got some for you 🤭

and suddenly, i'm reminded of winnie. hehe, i hope winnie is doing well <3

HSR FINALLY GOT RELEASED WOOO WEEEE 🎉 i've been playing it daily these days but i'm still at lvl 20. i got bronya as my first 5-star btw (sometimes, my jaw drops when i realize she boosts ATK and Crit DMG like are you fr /j), i hope you get the 5-star you want!! or yanqing because he looks cool and we should be friends with him <3

best of luck!! :( we're not made to be good at multitasking at the same times especially when it comes to serious things like mental health or grades. and of course, we should prioritize your mental health first because i believe that is the foundation of how you go about your life. so don't ever feel guilty abt prioritizing your health first. for now, heal and pick up where you left off when you're ready <3 chin up, yona!! 🫂

btw, speaking of tighnari, i hope you'll have some time to play genshin because the new event is SO FUN. like almost everyone is there, so i'm having fun watching the interactions and following them (wanderer specifically ofc /j) around, hehe. i think you'll love it!! <3

[dustycrustybones]

By nature, I am a performance artist,

I was a dancer for a very long time. Which was all-consuming, for many years it was the thing that made me, me. Even if other core facets of my identity suffered wildly and violently. i still had my artistry I still had the most accurate form of expression the only thing I felt could accurately portray my soul for lack of not-gross sounding words. But yes if my academics failed I figured so what I've got enough passion to be a damn good choreographer/dancer I don’t have to be a straight-A student, so what if I'm actually not a woman it doesn’t matter because I’ve got my career, so what if I am alone and always will be, career takes priority I had a life plan I put all my faith into that plan I loved that plan with my while damn heart and then it was too much then I got a little too done with all the bad and thought hey maybe it’s not worth it if I want to kill myself, maybe it’s not worth it if I hate myself and I scrutinize every little thing I do at any moment in time, I stayed dancing for a year after i started doubting it, I stayed after I came out and fuck did that get a thousand times worse it got to the point where I was on my bathroom floor 30 minutes before a 6-hour rehearsal crying hysterically and begging my friend to tell me “one day you won’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not” but after the fact way after the fact idk i still do kind of regret it, maybe it’s in that way that everybody regrets life altering decisions or maybe its in the real way where i actually should have stayed in dance, maybe i should’ve toughed it out, or fought harder for the respect i was due, maybe i would be healthier. Who knows. No-one, fuck all knows i wish I knew. I wish I could go back and not quit. I wish I could just see if I regretted that choice too because right now I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly fUCK FUCK FUC UGH I HATE PEOPLE SO MUCH OH MY GOD WHY AM I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH WHY HE F UC J DO I HAVE TO MODIFY EVERY FACET OF MY BEHAVIOR AND IDENTITY TO BE ACCEPTABLE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU OH MY FUCKING GOD

[ladymaigrey]

Enneagram and DD/Defenders – Part 2 – Matt the Reformer

Find all the posts in https://ladymaigrey.tumblr.com/tagged/enneagram (or go to my blog and look for “enneagram” tag)

gif courtesy of @dead-fandom-support-group​ (see her other enneagram gifs here)

TL:DR – The Reformers are perfectionistic and idealistic, with strong drives to “do good” and little patience for any perceived failure. Quick to anger and guilt-prone. Certain, stalwart and arrogant on the outside, they question themselves on the inside: are they actually “good”? are they sure they are right?

When under stress, they can become narrow-minded, self-centred and dramatic (movement towards Type 4 - Individualist).

For balance, they need to learn how to relax and let-go a bit - let the world spin on its own for a little while (acquire some characteristics from Type 7 - Enthusiast).

Matt: in addition to fitting Type 1 description (and often going towards Type 4), also has some characteristics from Type 2 – Helper, particularly the tendency to put the needs of other’s before one’s own, to the point of martyrdom.

The Reformer - in general

The Reformer has a strong value system about what is right and wrong and is quick to judge themselves and others in accordance to these norms. They are perfectionistic, but practical. They struggle to tolerate ambiguity or subjectivity, preferring objective facts and categories. They like to plan, organise, control, impose order over chaos.

The Reformers are their own harshest critics. They can be quick to anger if they see themselves or others falling short of their ideals. Yet anger often causes guilt, if they believe that a truly “good” person should not get angry. Therefore, anger is often suppressed out of conscious awareness. Still, it tends to come out in expressions of righteous indignation, sarcasm and guilt.

They are quick to argue, moralise or instruct – because they Know How Things Are Supposed To Be. Yet, internally, they are often worried that they are wrong, that they are not Good. Although they may question themselves on the inside, outwardly they will struggle to shift from their position because admitting they are wrong is too threatening to their idealised self-image.

The Reformers are over-responsible. At extreme, they can get burned out with carrying their unrealistic “shoulds” and “musts”. They struggle to relax and have fun.

According to Wagner (1980, p. 60) “They identify with St. George slaying the dragon, crusading to make the world a better place to live in.”

Research participants identified (or identifying) as Type 1, also tended to have high Conscientiousness (Big-5) scores and high Sensing (S), Thinking (T) and Judging (J) scores in MMPI test.

Matt the Reformer 

Judging on the basic outline and, particularly, that St George quote, Type 1 fits Matt well.

His definition of “doing good” is to defend the little guy against injustices and stand up to the unjust strong and teach them a lesson. He is perfectionistic, highly conscientious and disciplined when it comes to his goals - a legacy of his Dad’s insistence on academic diligence, Stick’s drilling, and his internal drive to protect and see justice done.

He is very certain of his direction on the outside, defending his position with a bull-headed obstinacy to rival the Punisher, but he questions himself on the inside. He is often plagued by worries that he is not, in fact, “good” or “just” at all – worries that he most likely internalised from his childhood, from those who admonished “Be careful of the Murdock boys, they have the Devil in them.” Therefore, he feels like he must forever prove his goodness to himself.  He is over-responsible to a ridiculous degree, taking it as a personal goal to prevent all injustice he “can” (i.e. that he is within an earshot of, and his earshot is looooong). Whenever he “fails” - guilt and rage follow. Rage (and violence), in turn, feed into his guilt and self-doubts about being “good”. Sometimes it seems that he is more guilt-ridden than an old farmhouse is ridden with termites.

For all of Type 1s’ practicality and need to control, when it comes to pursuit of goals and facing threats, they tend to make decisions instinctually, based on the product of their perceptions and gut-response. Matt Murdock is an allegorical embodiment of this concept. He responds to what his senses tell him – responds immediately and, often, drastically, without pausing for thought or communication with significant others. For type 1s (and other “gut” types 8 and 9), this often stems from the belief that “life is a battle, and their weaknesses must be tested” (Zuercher, 1992, as quoted in Hook et al., 2020), and THIS IS THE MOST MATT-DESCRIPTIVE STATEMENT I’ve ever read in a peer-reviewed psych article!

In addition to Type 1 characteristics, Matt shares some Type 2 characteristics (in Enneagram parlance, that would make him a Type 1 with a Type 2 wing). Specifically, Matt seems to take pride in denying his own physical and safety needs in order to meet the needs of others, as per his self-imposed responsibilities. This type of martyrdom is more characteristic of Type 2s (Helpers). At the same time, the occasional over-the-top drama that goes with that martyrdom is characteristic of Type 4 (Individualists).

Although, to be fair, it is always difficult to judge psychological state purely from behaviour. So, it is debatable whether his tendency to put his needs last is driven more by his Type 1 perfectionism (i.e. his internal need to do “good” overpowers his other basic needs), or his Type 2 martyrdom beliefs (i.e. the belief that his suffering is immaterial, and even required, in the face of the suffering of others, and that he only matters when he helps others). As @ceterisparibus116 and I discussed sometimes ago, it seems that martyrdom tendencies tend to raise their head when he has faced some kind of “failure” or setback - when he is feeling low regarding his life and identity. At such times, it is perhaps a heightened need for self-sacrifice – to prove his goodness and worthiness through meeting the needs of others to the detriment of his own - that may contribute to some of his more painful (and draMattic) physical excesses.

Then again, human psychology is a mudbath and it is never clear which rising bubble is driven by which underlying motivation.

(As an aside, I do think that the DD-fandom (myself included) has embraced the Type 2 martyr!Matt more than the canon actually suggests. He is often written in fics as forgetting or forgoing his basic needs (including food, sleep and medical care) in order to constantly give of himself to others. I wonder if, on some level, it reflects the real-life tendency to react to Type 2s – the “humble” Helpers – in a more positive or warmer way than the “arrogant” Type 1 do-gooders.)

Anyway.

When faced with crisis and failures, Matt does tend to move towards Type 4 (Individualist), as suggested by the Enneagram theory. He becomes dramatic in his sense of uniqueness and messiahnism; also – self-isolating, liable to be impulsive and making self-destructive decisions. His thinking narrows down myopically to the sole pursuit and defence of his goals. Although his goals as Daredevil revolve around “saving” others, being Daredevil is a large part (if not the whole) of what defines his life’s meaning to him. Therefore, his narrow focus at these times of high stress, and his prioritisation of Daredevil’s goals above the feelings and goals of significant others, is suggestive of a strong core of defensiveness/self-protectiveness. The righteousness of his aims is, in part, a psychological mask; it is a demand for others to excuse his poor relational behaviour on the basis of the specialness of the burden he chooses to bear.

That is not to imply that, when Matt stands up for his identity and his goals to his friends, it should only be regarded as a sign of self-centredness or depression! Telling those, who persistently refuse to accept someone’s truth, that ‘this is who I am’ – as he does to Foggy in Seasons 1 and 2 – can be a sign of positive self-regard and self-esteem. Similarly, when Matt gravitates towards the Type 4 Elektra and attempts to embrace some of her ideals of putting personal wants before duty, it is driven by a healthy impulse to balance the obsessive nature of his goals. Or, at the very least, to share the burden.

Matt is also capable of behaviors that, according to the Enneagram, balance some of the unhealthy extremes of his Type 1 characteristics. Although he is serious and driven most of the time, he is also capable of relaxing and having fun (which is a type 7 characteristic – the balance archetype for Type 1s). Although Matt is perfectionistic, it isn’t driven just by guilt and fear - he also wants to reach his targets (e.g. excelling in law school) for the sense of achievement it gives him (which is a Type 3 trait). He practices some mental and emotional self-care, leaning into the benefits of meditation which, at least in theory, should allow him to switch off from his over-thinking and judging, and simply be touch with his internal sensations without reactivity.

Finally, I think the fact that Matt doesn’t totally disavow his anger but, instead, finds a productive release for it while punching crime in the face, is overall a healthy(-ish) impulse. His anger has a specific role in his goals. Therefore, he has, at least partially, solved the dilemma that plagues Type 1s, i.e. that their anger means they can’t truly be “good”. Only partially though, as he certainly still has plenty of self-doubts and internal guilt trips (see the “why did God put the Devil in me” conversation with Father Lantom in Season 1).

Wagner (1980) advises that, in order to achieve psychological balance and free themselves from the overwhelming perfection of their world-altering goals, Type 1s need to learn that,

“The universe is not perfect, yet, but it is unfolding as it should. Be patient, God isn’t finished with me, yet.” (p. 113) 

To me, this advice seems similar to the idea of the Tapestry that Father Lantom spoke of to Matt (see conversation between Matt and Sister Maggie in S3e13). Enneagram, being theistic in its origin, makes many allusions to the perfection of the Process by which the world works and of the Divine Thought guiding it. This axiom states that all moments and all creatures within this process are perfect in themselves and in their place. Perceptions of imperfection come from the Ego, which is of the mind, not of the Divine original essence. Serenity – the lost virtue of Type 1s – comes from trusting the perfection of the process and the Divine Love guiding it.

By the end of Season 3, Matt appears to have made some steps towards accepting this premise. At least - intellectually. Maybe.

References

Wagner, J.P. (1980). A descriptive, reliability, and validity study of the Enneagram personality typology (Doctoral Dissertation). Retrieved from https://ecommons.luc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3108&context=luc_diss

Zuercher, S. (1992). Enneagram spirituality: From compulsion to contemplation. Ave Maria Press.

[muzaktomyears]

thank you for the tag in the Beatles fic questions, @dusted-0negin & @cinnamontoastandtears!! <3 Sorry, I've had this in drafts for a while but it took ages to write because it got so long....

Which is why it's all going under a cut:

Have you written rpf before, or are the Beatles the first you’ve ever done it for?

My main fandom is ancient history rpf of my academic area of expertise, which is rpf, technically, though that's so divorced from the modern day that even trying to write actual analytical history of it is so close to fanfic tbh. But I am a historian and I do try hard to make it as historically-accurate as I possibly can; I don't write the main pairing based on a book or film as most people do, but on the history as I perceive it. And I try to do the same here though obviously I don't take it anywhere near as seriously lmao (or I try not to but it happens anyway because that's just my nature). (Do message me if you want to read my other fandom fic, I'm happy to give out the name!)

What’s your favorite ship to write and why?

John/Paul (sorry, I don't like smushnames, I am Old), because it's so fucking ridiculous and drama-y and you can write any version tbh, angst or fluff or smut or whatever, it has everything at different times. I am also getting in to Paul/George though largely in an unrequited way (on George's side) and of course George/Ringo which is a lovely antidote to the ott-ness of John/Paul, though I've not yet written it as an actual pairing let alone published what I have written. (I've fallen in love with George/Bob too which I did not ever expect so maybe I will return to that...?)

Easiest beatle to write?

PAULPAULPAULPAULPAUL, a thousand times Paul. It does scare me a bit because I don't even try, or at least I don't think I do, I just think of a scenario and think 'What would I Paul do??' and it just comes out endlessly until I have to physically stop myself writing more (I don't always succeed). Not sure why but yeah, I think we are fundamentally very similar people and I hate that tbh. I was and still am scared to write John but he's actually not that bad when you get down to it... at least when riffing off Paul, from Paul's POV. I still haven't finished my first John POV fic though so we'll see, his internal life terrifies me tbh, who even knows what's going on there?? Certainly not him.

Hardest Beatle to write?

Oh, George. I was a bit worried that I'd written so much Paul, and planned/mostly written John and Ringo POVs, but I still hadn't managed to come up with a George POV no matter how hard I tried. Then the other week I had a perfect idea and wrote down notes for it and it ended up over 10 pages long lmao. Again, not fully written yet so we'll see, but I did find it easy once I got going, though I did have some issues with J&P trying to take over again... but that's sort of the point of the story. I hope I can finish it soon anyway because I really enjoyed even just writing up notes for it :) I'm not sure why I find George so hard (though it seems other people do too) - I think I am quite similar to him (though nowhere near as much as I am to Paul) and strangely it works the other way round, I therefore find him harder to write. And I feel very sorry for him. I feel sorry for them all of course, but George and Ringo especially, and George most of all because he was stuck within those stupid dynamics for years before Ringo, and Ringo both because of that and by dint of his personality found it easier to disengage, where George suffered a lot in (not quite) silence, I feel, and writing his internal monologue of that wounds me to my core. I think writing break-up George would be acutely impossible for me. But yeah <3

Do you prefer to write in the original era or modern au?

Original. I will read Modern AUs and I've enjoyed them but I'm really here for at least an attempt at historical accuracy both in my own work and in other people's, so yeah. That's just my opinion though - Modern AUs are fine! Great, even! And I do like to see how people change stuff/adjust it. Just not my cup of tea.

What’s your least favorite pair to write and why? Elaborate if the reason isn’t incredibly negative!

I dunno because I haven't written many yet or at least not fully/published... I think it would be something like Paul/Dot which was just absolutely awful for both of them but especially Dot, who I am so so glad got out tbh. But we'll see.

Do you read or write more?

I read more. Though it does depend - I go through writing phases where I spent a few days/a week doing almost nothing but in my spare time, but even then I tend to read as well. I look at the main tag every day and I will give most things a try. Still haven't commented or even kudosed yet...... sorry! I will get round to it and there's a huge backlog of fics I have bookmarked (not an AO3, literally bookmarked on Chrome) to get through and comment on! <3 This summer when I have some time!!

Aus or canon compliant? If you prefer aus, what is your favorite to write about?

I do prefer canon-compliant because of the historian thing but... AUs are good too, especially if they're based on some slight divergence like 'what if x never happened/did happen?' and then it all just spins off from there. But then ridiculous AUs like what if they were in Star Trek also excite me lmao and I have at least three Star Trek prompts in my prompt list at the moment...

Is there a ship you like to see more of?

Tbh anything that's not any combination of the main 4. Like, a ship of one of them with a 'side character' can be way more interesting to me in terms of characterisation and dynamics. And even of two of the 'side characters' tbh even if it's a 'traditional' ship... idk. But in general terms: I am Obsessed with the John&Ringo relationship at the moment, not necessarily shippy but just their relationship as friends, plus the same (but less so) for Paul&Ringo, John&George, and (of course) Paul&George.

Is there an au/a trope you’d like to see more of?

omfg. Let me open my prompt document. Okay, here's a few I have either on the go or I intend to look at eventually:

- Mafia AU (obviously - the (less awful) inversion of the Kray fic, essentially!)

- Bodyswap where it's all four (and even other people too??)

- Philippines fic!!!!! Either where it all goes wrong(er) or just canon tbh

- Group therapy fic (lmfao)

- Social media AU (modern or an alt universe where they had Twitter in the 1960s idk) - mainly for Brian trying to monitor it all tbh

- Jelly bean incident fic (serious and/or crack)

- More random outsider POVs, either of famous people (I have Little Richard mostly written, and I want to do Elvis but that would take time to research) or just rando OCs (like their neighbours and stuff like that? idek)

- Just more Bob Dylan tbh, as POV character, as a side character, just being referenced, I don't even care, I love him <3

- We have quite a few 'back in time' ones (and I've written one too) but........... what about 'forward in time'???? IMAGINE THAT. >:)

Okay I'm going to stop there before I give away all my ideas lmfao (not really, I have at least 50 others oh god) <33

What’s a fanfic trope pet peeve?

Hmmm. Not sure because like I said, I will give almost anything a try, and I tend to be convinced to some degree by most things even if it's not my idea of the characters (esp re: Paul). But yeah the stereotypes thing gets old very fast, unless you do something very clever with it, and the wife-bashing or even just wife-ignoring tbh (or other character-bashing, even of guys). And the ones where you can tell that the author has an absolute fave that they put most of their effort into (though not always to great effect). I admit that I do this too (well, not much effort lmao) but I do try to write the others as well as I can and not stereotype them, especially in serious fic. This isn't only a problem in this fandom tbf - it occurs in every fandom, especially in the main pairing, and you wonder wtf people are doing writing it if they love one character so much that they see none of their faults and hate the other so that they see only faults. It's weird. But yeah.

Other little things: I feel that people tend to write people being too (immediately) forgiving of John&Paul, and not even of their weird relationship but just stuff like wanting to have careers in music when it looked like throwing their lives away. Especially thinking of Mimi and Jim here but applies to a lot of people tbh.

Also, not a trope as such but: the Americanisms do get to me because I am super petty, sorry! I don't immediately backclick or anything but it does pull me out of even the best fic. Some are very easy to fix (like 'closet' or 'couch') but others are harder to pin down if you don't have close knowledge of vocab. tbh I even dislike some Britishisms that I don't think are accurate to their place or time or class (especially). But this is just one of my many Issues that I have even irl with friends who call it a sofa and a lounge etc., so please ignore me!

Do you prefer to write one shots or multi-chaptered fics?

One shots. I have never written a multi-chaptered fic in my life in any fandom. I don't like not knowing where it's going, so I do have to plan at least an ending before I start writing. I've tried to get more into it here but it still terrifies me. I don't want to become the WiP-abandoner! :(

On a scale from 1 to 10 how much have fanfiction taken over your life?

Right now?? Like, 8. I have other stuff to be doing but it is always at the back of my mind lmao.

Do you have an author you look up to?

Oh god. I haven't been here long so I'm not fully versed in what's been written, especially a while ago, but yeah, I have so many. Sorry, I cannot list them or we'd be here all day but see my answer to the next question for some of them (though by no means all!).

What is a fic you can’t get tired of, no matter how many times you’ve read it?

I haven't re-read many as I don't have the time yet, but here's some that I have or am fully intending to read again properly (a lot of these authors I'm not aware of as having tumblrs, so please let me know if they do so I can link them here too!):

- 'metered' by @fingersfallingupwards - as I've said before this is the first thing I read in this fandom that made me think 'wow', and want to read more stuff like it

- 'What Happens in Cheshire' by cloudy_blue - because I love outsider POV more than anything and this is my favourite so far I think? (Also adore 'Tessellate' by the same author for similar reasons)

- 'Ignorance is Bliss' by bunnoculars - another great (and unexpected to me at least) outsider POV

- 'burning' by Keiser Franz/@dusted-0negin - for (the absolutely accurate) John's praise kink

- 'Mendips' by mrswinstonmccartney - because it's so well-written and I particularly love any Mimi-Paul interaction lmao (as you shall see.......)

- anything and everything by LouisWain1939 (dunno if you want me to link to your tumblr!), but especially 'Turn Me On Dead Man' which is terrifying and perfect

- 'swallow back that fear' by softsmilesandbrokenhearts - because Jim, I love Jim :( <3 This I feel is the peak level of Jim concern

- 'See Us In The Real Life' by RedheadAmongWolves - another excellent outsider POV that I ADORE <3

...that's just from a brief look at my bookmarks. So yeah. MANY <3333

Do you have a current fic obsession?

I mean, there's a lot, but right now the one I click on fastest whenever there's an update (and that is some competition!!) is 'You Like Me Too Much, And I Like You' - whoever is writing this, idk if you're even here, but I love you! Again it's not particularly how I see the characters but I just love how you're writing it and obvs I am here in the front row for any and all Paul whump haha <3

How seriously do you take fanfic writing?

On the surface not but then actually deep down I take it super fucking seriously, like, if I make one typo or mistake I WILL DIE. That is just my personality tbh. I am Paul and criticism hurts me :D

tagging: I shan't tag directly but please, other people, do this!! I did find it fascinating to analyse and I've loved reading other people's

nsfw bit below

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Do sex positions (top/bottom) effect your enjoyment when reading or writing a fic?

Yeah, to an extent. I have clear preferences for both reading and writing and I tend to in most fandoms but here it's not so bad... especially because I feel the John/Paul dynamic in particular changes over time and is inherently very switchy. I've only written top John/bottom Paul so far, which is my preference, at least at the beginning, which is what I've addressed so far, but it does and will change and I'm fine with both writing and reading that. (As opposed to my other fandom where it is VERY VERY set and I find it hard to even contemplate them switching........ I have tried but my brain just slides off it lmao - very different context though and power differential especially, though in ways also very similar)

Do you have a preference over who’s who at all? If yes, then what are they?

Like I said above, I prefer bottom Paul in almost any pairing (apart from perhaps Paul/George?? and like idk Paul/Jane but even then...), but that's just personal preference, not based on much (though I could argue it...), and for John/Paul esp it changes both within a current dynamic and over time. One of the whole attractions of that pairing to me is that aspect, that they're relatively 'equal' in that and in most other respects, or at least they are in an ideal world and sort of aspire to be but that doesn't always work out...

Is there a kink you have to fight back including in every fic?

Hahaha oh god. This fandom has (re)awakened a hell of a lot of kinks that I kind of knew I had but had never written myself because I'd never found an appropriate outlet for them. So that's why I've just been sort of HEY GUYS HERE'S THE WORST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN, AGAIN :D - so idk about any one kink, but... yeah, I do think that I cannot ever just write smut, it has to have some stupid emotional aspect to it, especially at the end. idk. That's what I like to read tbh so I try to write it too, and most of the time I cannot help myself, it just ends up with a devastating last line that ruins the rest of it, thank you, brain!! It's like an anti-kink tbh.

Otherwise: dirty talk. I am OBSESSED.

When do you feel comfortable adding a smut scene in your fic, if it matters to you at all?

idk. Some (most) of them are literally pwp and the smut is the point, and I haven't tended to do longer fics anyway so I haven't had this problem of feeling 'comfortable' to add a scene yet... But generally I do not plan at all, I just let the Muse flow, so if one happens then that's that :)

[personalcoachingcenter]

Research Paper: Language Matters

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/research-paper-language-matters/

Research Paper: Language Matters

Research Paper By Charlene Moynihan (Ability Coach, UNITED STATES)

Introduction

A man is worked upon by what he works on. He may carve out his circumstances, but his circumstances will carve him out as well. –Frederick Douglass

Diversity is inherent in everything we experience such as nature and its multitude of variance, and, people and their cultures. If we are to truly celebrate differences, we must begin by knowing and understanding those differences. As coaches, that knowing/understanding must begin with ourselves. As one who will work with those who have a relationship to a disability, I must have knowledge and awareness of disability culture.

Moreover, as an individual with a disability, I must understand what it is that makes me different than others if I am to truly approach this endeavor with a celebratory mindset.

ICA teaches us that

Culture exists in the minds of the individuals that have learned from other human beings what is acceptable in their interactions with other human beings. Culture allows us to communicate with one another in a language that we have learned and share in common. -International Coach Academy

With the understanding that coaching sessions are about the client and not the coach, how to promote my work to potential clients has much to do with who I am and how I present myself. I felt I needed to address the issue of how much of my personal experience to share in the promotional process since how I am perceived affects the assessment of a good fit between coach and client.

This brings up the dilemma that many potential clients will face, exactly what, when, and how much is appropriate to disclose when it comes to disability. As a person with an acquired disability, it was a question that I needed a comfortable answer to. If I can understand the process it takes to answer that question, I can recognize a similar struggle and the need to address it with my clients.

I looked to disability theory with a particular focus on the language used to speak about disability for some insight. The language we use communicates much about who we are, how we think, and what we believe. This paper will focus on the language used to speak of disability.

Let’s start with an explanation of the predominant models of disability theory.

Disability Theory

The Medical Model

The medical model of disability talks of it in terms of impairment, deficiency, and/or abnormality. It is something that exists within the body/the person and it is the person’s responsibility to learn how to deal with it. The medical field seeks to cure and/or treat the disability with therapies that are aimed at making the person function more “normally”. Most of the language used by the medical community to discuss/describe disability are negatives, suffering from, and afflicted with for example. These words communicate that disability is not something desirable and reflects an attitude of negativity in the way the non-medical community thinks about disability.

The Social Model

The social model sees disability as simply a part of who one is; no different than gender, race, or age. The problem of disability is viewed as one of interaction in a society that is often inaccessible and unaware of the severity of the struggles it presents. The social model seeks to fix these struggles through a change in society, through awareness and accessibility. The language used by the social model is person-centered as opposed to identity-centered, a “person with a disability” vs. a “disabled person” treating the disability as only a part of the whole. These phrases are far less negative.

These are the two major models of disability at play. They are far more complicated than I have related and the advantages and consequences of each warrant much consideration. Many interdisciplinary approaches to these models exist and are not dissimilar to those related to issues of sexual identity and race when it comes to disclosure and discrimination. But the brief descriptions demonstrate incredible differences in the way people think and speak about a disability.

The Research

For this paper, I will limit my discussion to that the language used to speak of disability and its impact on the members of the community. It is the language we use that reflects one’s understanding of disability. It is also the language others use that impacts a decision to disclose ones’ identity to the speaker or not. Comfort level and confidence in the speaker’s understanding are paramount. In this cancellation culture, what language does one choose when speaking about disability? How does one speak of disability in a way that communicates comfort and confidence? My research offered some insight into these questions. I was able to locate two papers addressing this issue that struck a note with me.

A lot of controversies exist around the use of the word disability. In #SaytheWord: A Disability Culture Commentary on the Erasure of “Disability” the authors say, “The literature indicates that despite the importance of language on attitudes toward disabled people, attempts to avoid the term ‘disability’ remain and may have unintended consequences.” -Andrews, E. E., Forber-Pratt, A. J., Mona, L. R., Lund, E. M., Pilarski, C. R., & Balter, R. (2019). Some thought by removing the word disability and substituting things like “differently-abled” would remove some of the associated negativity in the same way that person-first language helps to minimize labeling and categorizing people by identity-first.

The concern is that the use of euphemisms can serve to reinforce the idea that disability is negative and can be indicative of bias or prejudiced thinking. Such euphemisms, like Photoshop, take something less appealing and make it more acceptable to the viewer; that the viewer may feel more comfortable/more pleased with the subject matter. This reluctance to use the word disabled is more about the needs of the non-disabled who have bias and/or prejudice thinking that underlies their discomfort, and, the disabled who fear being stigmatized; the primary reason reported for not disclosing a disability. Yet many are reclaiming the word disabled. It allows self-identity and serves to place them into a community that can protect against the stigma (and fear of) by “externalizing rather than internalizing disability prejudices.”Andrews, E. E., Forber-Pratt, A. J., Mona, L. R., Lund, E. M., Pilarski, C. R., & Balter, R. (2019).

In “Disclosing Our Relationships to Disabilities: An Invitation for Disability Studies Scholars”, Joan O’TooleCorbet writes, “…we need to examine our reluctance to support public disclosure, open academic inquiries into public signifiers, encourage public disclosure, and use signifiers of one’s relationship to disability.” I found this a fascinating perspective. She writes about how disclosure is managed in the disability rights community. Corbet goes on to say that in this community, they are “expected to locate themselves about the lived disability experience.” One would say, for example, I am disabled, or, I am the parent of a disabled child, or, I am a non-disabled teacher of disabled adults. The reasoning behind this sort of disclosure is that it explains perspectives based on the nature of the relationship to disability that goes beyond the binary disabled or non-disabled identity. It respects that each relationship to disability has valuable information to be shared. Stating a relationship to disability is not the same as sharing specifics of the nature of one’s disability. That remains a personal decision. The rule of thumb is that you may state your relationship to disability but you must not speak to the experience of another as it presumes that you know the lived experience of another and you cannot. This understanding can be applied nicely in the coaching session.

Another positive here is that “Public disclosure of the relationship to disability increases the number of people discussing and identifying disability oppression.” Disclosing one’s relationship to disability provides community membership, support, and strategies to combat ableism. Ableism is to the disability community what white supremacy is to communities of a minority race. Stating one’s relationship to disability opens a space for productive discussion of disability-related issues and helps combat ableism.

Analysis

In any discussion of oppressed populations, it behooves one to understand the issues at play. I will be focusing the efforts of my transformational coaching practice on serving clients with acquired disabilities. We live in a world demanding political correctness and the cancellation of those who are not. Use of language that, either intentionally or not, communicates negativity towards any group/community and/or culture inhibits trusting relationships and has no place in coaching.

I have chosen to use the word disabled in my marketing/promotional materials. I will use it without the shame and negativity it carries for some. My intent will be clear. I will use it to identify membership within a supportive community. As one with a relatively invisible acquired disability, I know the isolation that comes with not speaking about disability. I want my potential clients to know that they need not feel the isolation that comes with keeping silent and that there is a way to speak of it without the need to disclose one’s diagnosis and specific limitations. That information is disclosed on a need-to-know basis and most simply don’t need to know. I want them to feel welcomed to experience membership in that community, that culture that offers support and advocacy if they so choose.

I will also speak in terms of my relationship to disability because of its ability to communicate differing perspectives on disability. I cannot share my lived experience by sharing a diagnosis. My relationship to disability is relevant to my clients because of its ability to communicate perspectives and open lines of communication on the subject of disability. Since I have identified people with an acquired disability and those with a similar relationship, it also explains my desire to expand services to family, caregivers, friends, and professionals working with my clients of choice.

I will share my relationship to disability as follows. As a child, I attended a summer camp for developmentally disabled children with my siblings (where my mother worked as a camp nurse). I grew up laughing and playing with children who were different but very much the same as me. I was a friend of disabled children. I worked in schools and residential homes for adults with multiple disabilities. I was non-disabled support professional. My father became disabled due to chronic illness. I was the daughter of a disabled man. I was diagnosed with a disabling condition when my children were young. I am a disabled person.

My child has a disabling condition. I am the disabled parent of a disabled adult. I have multiple friends with disabilities. I am a disabled friend of disabled adults. I ended my career as a Disability Claims Specialist at the Social Security Administration (S.S.A.). I conducted in-depth interviews to uncover and document the specific physical, psychological and cognitive phenomenon that results in meeting the legal definition of disability used by S.S.A.This gave me an intimate look into the lived experience of many disabled individuals. I am a disabled individual with intimate knowledge of both my own and the disabling conditions of others.

This communicates so much more than disclosing that I have Multiple Sclerosis. Do you feel the difference? Asking for and providing one’s relationship to disability provides relevant and useable information in discussions of disability. The provision of a diagnosis generally either suppresses conversation due to discomfort with the disclosure or leads to additional (and inappropriate in many situations) questions regarding the personal limitations of the disabled person. I would much rather enable a productive conversation than suppress or encourage inappropriate ones.

Conclusion

I change my thoughts, I change my world. ~ Norman Vincent Peale

We are taught at ICA to, “Be aware of personal strengths and weaknesses when it comes to one’s own Coaching Mindset.” ICF talks of “the criticality of a partnership between coach and client, and the importance of cultural, systemic and contextual awareness.” For these reasons, I undertook this study. My coaching mindset needed nurturing. If I am to be a focused partner with clients, I must feel confident that I have communicated, upfront, what is appropriate for my clients to know; that they can then decide if they want to develop a partnership with me.

Despite my years of work with individuals with disabilities, I needed to look at the bigger picture. My experience was job-related and focused on meeting their needs. More caregiver than a coach. My perspective needed to shift. I needed to understand how to speak of disability in a non-directive way. More importantly, I needed to understand how the language I use communicates my thoughts, values, and beliefs. I needed to understand the mindsets of others who participate in the discussion of disability. I needed to understand disability at a different level; one that addressed the need for cultural, systemic, and contextual awareness.

The journey has been well worth the time and energy. It is no longer my role to meet the physical and emotional needs of those with whom I work. I know in my heart that they are entitled to self-determination, just as I am, and I will support and empower them to pursue their goals no longer as a caregiver but a coach. I have learned much about the language used to speak of disability. I have also come to understand the intent behind my need to do this research. I have never spent much time thinking about nor identifying myself as a person with a disability. I needed to acknowledge myself as a member of the community and find a way to communicate that membership in a way that felt comfortable. In doing so, I have resolved my questions regarding how to communicate my thoughts, values, and beliefs by the language I will use to speak of disability with my clients and promote my business. First impressions matter and the language we use speaks volumes about who we are and what we value.

Sources:

Websites

Critical Disability Theory. Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. https://stanford.library.sydney.edu.au/archives/win2019/entries/disability-critical/

Disability and Justice. Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/disability-justice/.

Disclosing Our Relationships to Disabilities: An Invitation for Disability Studies Scholars. Corbett Joan O’Toole 1 (disabled) 2 Independent Researcher. https://dsq-sds.org/article/view/3708/3226.

Disability Studies Quarterly.Siebers, Tobin. Disability Theory. Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, 2008. Reviewed by Michael Davidson. https://dsq-sds.org/article/view/160/160.

Medical Model of Disability versus Social Model of Disability. Living with Disability and Chronic Pain. https://canbc.org/blog/medical-model-of-disability-versus-social-model-of-disability/.

Disability Studies Quarterly. Un/covering: Making Disability Identity Legible. Heather Dawn Evans. https://dsq-sds.org/article/view/5556/4550.

Andrews, E. E., Forber-Pratt, A. J., Mona, L. R., Lund, E. M., Pilarski, C. R., & Balter, R. (2019). #SaytheWord: A disability culture commentary on the erasure of “disability”. Rehabilitation Psychology, 64(2), 111–118. https://doi.org/10.1037/rep0000258.

https://docs.google.com.

Original source: https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/research-papers/charlene-moynihan-language-matters/

[stopfakerapeclaims-blog]

THIS GUY IS FALSELY ACCUSED, STOP SLANDERING HIM. HOW COULD YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE ATTACK A VICTIM OF A FALSE ACCUSATIONLIKE YOU DID. I HAVE VIDEO PROOF OF MY INNOCENCE. I NEVER wanted to post something like this, but the threats made on my life have given me no other choice.But being a victim of false accusations is extremely damaging AND dangerous. But unfortunately there aren't going to be 200+ shares of my side of the story, because the truth is not as sensational as a dramatic lie.As I said before, I did not want to do this, it feels violating and wrong, but I am absolutely sickened by the false rape claims and rumors going around about me from "Aria" (on facebook) ie "Stephanie" (as I knew her). We went to Japan together in 2016, where she came on to me and seduced ME the second night we were there. We had a consensual relationship over the entire course of this trip. I took a consensual video during our first encounter, and it VERY clearly shows that it was NOTHING like what she is claiming now, years later. She stated “He decided to take what he wanted by force,” which is so entirely the opposite of what actually happened - in this video she can be heard saying “yes”, “please more”, and “yeah”. Its the definition of not only consent, but enthusiastic consent, which is a very important distinction.WHY did I record this? Because her and I were friends and I thought it would be something we would have fun watching together later. I asked before I recorded us together. I don't EVER record something private without the other person knowing. It would be deceitful and ruin the moment entirely to do so.My lawyers advised me that it would be dangerous to release the video on the internet - she could claim it was revenge porn or harassment, even if it was ONLY done with the intention of defending myself, and that’s why you can just listen to the audio here:https://streamable.com/zxkqi So the question is, WHY is she saying I raped her? I can’t BEGIN to guess what’s going on in someone else’s head, or why they’d lie about something so devastating and traumatic, but Wikipedia lists ELEVEN possible reasons for false accusations of rape (I will list them below). All I can do is share the facts from that trip as I know themYou see, that entire trip me and Stephanie started arguing about the last person on the trip, we'll call him "J" to respect his privacy, who complained the entire trip. Stephanie and I disagreed on how to handle it, my approach trying to be to ignore the behavior and hope he learned to deal with his problems maturely, and Stephanie was taking his side by trying to coddle him and condone his actions. A lot of the problems were him refusing to leave the room to trips and food with all of us possibly because he misunderstood and thought he had to pay for everything when I was in fact paying for it, or perhaps he didn't like the idea of me paying for everything (despite it being a company trip so he was fully covered by the organization) I can’t know which it was for sure.I tried many times over the trip to calm J down and explain that he didn't need to worry so much, but the stress of being in Japan was too much for him. Traveling and being in a foregin country can be really stressful for some people! The last and most extreme moment was when we stepped off the bus in front of the Takadanobaba station and he started violently hitting himself in the forehead with his hand on a public street. I don't know why, I think maybe he forgot something. It was a level of behaviour that was beyond what I had ever dealt with personally and none of us were equipped to help him. When he was stressed sometimes he would make a strange whining noise and bite down on his arm hard in front of people, and that was alarming enough, but this was the final straw in him working for us as a company, and there I made the decision that he wouldn't be working with the conventions going forward. We take on almost anyone as a volunteer, because I believe everyone deserves at least a first chance despite any disorders or problems them may have socially, but sadly it doesn’t always work out in the end, like with J. Stephanie and I fought a lot all trip long about “J” to no resolve. Stephanie is still friends with this person, they’re friends on Facebook and they were one of the first to share Stephanie’s post. Maybe this is some kind of “revenge” for not being nice enough to her friend. But again, how can I really know what someone else is thinking? I can only make educated guesses.I do know that Stephanie has bipolar disorder, and I tried helping her through her issues when we were friends. I learned she had been sexually assaulted before, and I had always felt really bad for her, as anyone would. We spent hours and hours talking in Japan, hanging out, watching movies, cuddling, and yes, sex too. What motivates her actions now, I have no idea, but there are eleven possible reasons listed on wikipedia: confusion, revenge, material gain, producing an alibi, memory conformity, recovered memory therapy, attention, sympathy, a disturbed mental state, relabeling, and regret.With Stephanie there were no drugs, no excessive drinking, no coercion of any kind. I did not threaten to send her home. I did not try or even consider withholding any events or activities from her. SHE wanted to spend time with ME and hang out with me. I flirted with her online, we sent dozens of memes back and forth too, and then in person SHE always initiated everything. Putting her hand on my leg, scooting closer to me, making sexual innuendos, overall being quite clear about her intentionsHOW can you get in a fight with someone and then automatically claim that all past consensual sex you had was rape? Changing your mind months later does not make something rape. In the past I haven't ever been able to defend myself with hard proof because I didn't know where the rumors were coming from. I've gotten threats to my own safety because of these claims. I had people say they will boycott my cons because of these claims. I’ve had people mercilessly harass my friends and family because of these claims. But her own words are PROVABLY false.As anyone would, I kept a screenshot of exactly what she said at first. “After I made it clear that I wasn't interested, he decided to take what he wanted by force. This was on one of the first days of a month long trip.”That’s what she said, and it’s plain as day not true. I know that now somehow the story will magically change - it’s called “moving the goalpost”, where now instead of “force” she will claim something like coercion, or change her story entirely. When people are caught in a lie they often change their story, suddenly remember things differently, and make up new lies to cover their original lies that were seen through. I know some people won’t believe me no matter what proof I have because they’ve made up their minds about me and the situation. Maybe they have a personal issue with me and this fits their narrative that I’m a bad personFalse rape accusations are tragically real and more common than one would think. Some people say the number is "barely 2%" - but multiple studies conducted in a wide variety of manners have concluded numbers from 2% as high as 25%. Read wikipedia, there are numerous academically-backed studies on there. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_accusation_of_rapeI'm so sorry to any of my friends who have had to deal with drama because of this person. I know friends who know me incredibly well have had to defend my name because they heard about rumors or are friends with someone who believes this.Now, do not bully, slander, or harass this person under any circumstances. I don't want you to harass them, I don’t want to make them ‘pay’, or make them suffer like I have, I only want to be left alone myself to live my life. DO share this message as far and wide as you can. I am so hurt by these absolutely malicious attacks that I don't deserve. I strive to run the safest and most welcoming conventions in the world, with people by my side who feel even stronger than I do about it! Thank you for reading all of this and supporting me through this awful time.

[ghost-hyunjin]

👥🤝👥🤝👥🤝👥🤝👥🤝 TALK ABOUT THEM ALLLL

x | meme status: not accepting now!

5 Family Members

I was very close to my umma (mom) when I was alive. She shared how hard her pregnancy was, since the doctor told her that it was risky for her to carry a baby. A lot of people say I look like her, but taller and a boy. Actually it hurt a lot to see her cry as she packed up my belongings when I passed away. I wanted to tell her so badly that I was okay and I wasn’t suffering, but I didn’t want to scare her away. Plus I wasn’t that good at maintaining my visibility whenever I wanted.

Appa (dad) was really proud of me when I got into college on scholarship and grants. That left books, food, and housing left for us to handle at the end of the day. I know his secretary said he couldn’t stop bragging about me at work and I got kind of, I don’t know, embarrassed? These people only met me once at some holiday party, you know? You know how I said I look more like my mom? Apparently the only things I got from Appa were his height and his nose.

I drove both of my parents crazy when I wanted a dog at 16. They knew I was doing well academically and I think Umma wanted to reward me for focusing and working so hard. Of course Kkami wasn’t easy to train and raise, but he was a puppy and learning! He had been separated from his mom and siblings at a young age and was a bit scared to be on his own. But we started to understand each other – he liked to sleep with me whenever I came home and always hung around my chair when we eat meals. Maybe he was sick of me kissing him or trying to be affectionate in the mornings, but I loved him. Not more than my parents of course, but it was a big step for me to be responsible for a pet of my own and building a relationship.

Cousin Yeji and I used to have our differences as children. People called us the Hwang Twins at school, and it annoyed us all the time. See, we were the only pair of boy-girl twins at our school and everyone thought it was funny how similar our faces looked. When we got older, she tried to beg her parents to let her do things like add color streaks to her ends or dye her hair lighter colors. (Turns out she snuck the semi-permanent stuff when she slept over at a friend’s house and that um, didn’t end well.) Then some guy asked her out and I had heard things in the locker room about him. I didn’t want to see her get hurt, so I told her best friend who would have a better time convincing her that this guy was a jerk and didn’t want to take her on a real date. I don’t know if her friend ever shared that I heard these things, but I think we started to put up with each other in a friendlier manner than when we were kids. @nerdy-yeji and @kitten-yeji

My twin @street-racer-hyunjin was a surprise to my mom. The doctor initially thought there was one baby, then realized it was two. We aren’t that different – literally it was a few seconds when they delivered us via C-section. I don’t honestly care if people want to know who is older or not – it’s kind of meaningless. Too many people kept getting us mixed up, so it kind of helped when he bleached his hair (courtesy of one of our friends helping him buy the stuff and doing it in the bathroom one night) and got some piercings. Umma really screamed that night when he came home with the lip ring – pretty sure the neighbors came over to check on us and then realized it was one of those parent-kid talks about doing things without permission. I gotta say I’m kind of jealous of him in a way. I’m not that brave or confident to do those modifications to my body or well, was that brave. He and Appa always had an interest in race cars and watched a lot of the races on TV. His 15th birthday gift was a pair of tickets to see a race in person with Appa. I never told our parents about how he got mixed up into his first race shortly after high school graduation and for his sake, they’ll never know it. We were different, but we get each other and respect each other’s space.

5 Friends/Acquaintances

Han I met in school when I was alive. I think we got paired up in some partner project and turns out both of us actually we kind of glad we did? Well, I say that because you hate getting stuck with the slacker who cruises on their partner’s workload to pass. We did equal work and did well on the project. Sometimes he’s a bit hyper, but I am glad to have him around – it did ground me and reminded me that life isn’t always about school, work, and the boring stuff. Sometimes you need to let loose and have fun. I didn’t know this until we graduated, but some of the people at school joked we were the attractive smart guys with different charms. @hanjisung-bot @sweetbbyboyhansungie

@j-05 was one of my classmates. I felt terrible that I forgot about him, but it turns out we were in one of my largest classes I took for a general education requirement. The class was mostly papers and answering the professor’s questions, but we were in a final group project for the class. I guess I may have forgotten about him because he actually bothered to do his part of the project, unlike some of the others who claimed to be too busy or not talented enough to draw a few panels for a comic. He saw me after I passed and it shocked both of us – I never thought anyone could sense a ghostly presence and I doubt he thought he’d see his dead classmate again after all of this. He confessed that he had a crush on me when I was alive and I didn’t know how to feel about it? I never thought about guys that way but also I never had a serious relationship. (Maybe I took one girl out for a school dance, but then she ditched me for her friends and insisted she wanted to stay when I wanted to go home.) I don’t know where this will go, but it will be interesting at the very least.

@ryujin-chatbot was one of my cousin’s friends. Turns out we are both interested in dancing and happened to join Dance Club at school. She is really talented and I always hoped that some talent company or troupe would take her on professionally. She was one of the few who understood my pain and Cousin Yeji’s pain about the messed up “twins” jokes and references both of us got. She told off some messed up guys on the baseball team who suggested Yeji and I were in some kind of romantic relationship behind everyone’s backs and I’m pretty sure to this day, he will avoid eye contact with her if they’re in the same room. (That I owe her for.)

I’m drawing a blank on how I met @mafia-chaeyoung. I was already a ghost when we met and one of the first things she asked me after making sure this wasn’t some joke by a rival, was who killed me. She almost added the frat president to her hit list, but I told her that he’s already convicted and serving time, plus his family is out a lot of money for damages and emotional suffering. I’ll admit her line of work is hazy in my mind and I’m a little intimidated at times by her. But I do appreciate someone talking to me like a normal being and not going “OMG GHOST! I’m cursed!” or “Do you want revenge? Is that why you’re still around?” Sometimes I wish I could do more to say thank you, but seeing where I died, I’m limited in what I can offer. I do hope she stays safe because there are some crazier people out there who will try to take others down without a care.

We didn’t get off on the right foot when we crossed paths, but I think we’re okay? @thejilixtwins-cb are an oddball pair to comprehend to say the least. Always talking and they look and sound charming, but both are full of trouble. I’m not 100% sure what their deal is, but their antics kind of remind me of some duo I once saw on TV. Not sure who, but the back and forth banter or one interrupting the other is very similar to this TV pair. All I can say is, once we cleared the confusion, we seemed to be okay and not as mixed up as we thought.

[lady-divine-writes]

Truth in Advertising - Part 2

Summary:

As it turns out, that Orgasm blush wasn't an innocent inclusion into the box of stuff Gabriel sent to Aziraphale to evaluate. Anticipating what the Principality might do, and how that might end up, Gabriel waits patiently for any good news ... (1059 words)

Read on AO3.

“Any minute now … any minute now …” Gabriel chants while he paces, clasping and unclasping his hands, gazing periodically out the window of the high rise onto the world below. His eye pierce the building veil of clouds, hoping that any second he’ll hear the good word.

The word he’s been waiting to hear for most of his career as an Archangel.

Of course, aside from his personal vendettas … uh … goals … there’s a great many things he has to oversee today. The general balance of good and evil on Earth, for one, takes precedence over everything. Of course, it does. That’s the big picture overall – deploying angels for the sole purpose of tipping the scales in Heaven’s favor.

Absolutely.

But this takes a close second. So close, the two are nearly stacked one on top of the other.

Every time a Segway zooms by or an angel walks down the hall, Gabriel finds himself jumping like a meerkat on an electric fence. Anxiety, anticipation, excitement – these are not emotions he’s used to carrying and yet there they are in the wringing of his hands, his rolling onto the balls of his feet, and his constant glancing out the windows as if the news will be delivered to him via golden chariot pulled across the sky by four flying white horses.

It’s just that good!

But that’s not what happens, and because it doesn’t happen, Gabriel feels the pricking of soul-crushing defeat before Michael, approaching with a brilliantly white sheet of parchment in their hands, speaks a single word. Michael doesn’t offer Gabriel the letter right off, but he can see the writing on it – that obnoxiously bubbly yet illegibly academic handwriting of Aziraphale’s.

Ugh – disappointment.

Ugh – doubt.

Ugh – rage!

He hates suffering these human-style indignities! They’re so beneath him!

What an inconvenience. He’d rather just win and get it over with.

“Did it work, did it work?” Gabriel asks, still hopeful that that gold ink on white paper marks the last progress report written by Principality Aziraphale before he plummeted into fire and darkness. A resignation, or better yet - an apology. Nothing too formal or flowery, of course. Simple, honest, and to the point suits him best. Something along the lines of:

Dearest, most renowned, and holiest Archangel Gabriel;

Before this, my final missive, I’ve taken a moment to reflect on my wicked past, my foolish decisions, my incompetence as an angel, and I humbly plead for your forgiveness. I know now that you were right, have always been right in all things, and that I, a lowly principality, should have listened more reverently. Followed more diligently. Alas, too late have I seen the error of my ways. And with this, my last message to you, I pray you will know that as I take my place in Hell beside the bastard demon who lead me there (Oh why was I so stupid!?) that I will do naught but sing your praises during my eternal torment in my attempts to repent.

Good bye.

Try to think fondly of me, as I have always greatly esteemed you.

Your loyal servant,

Principality Aziraphale

Stained with tears would be a nice touch, Gabriel thinks as he pictures himself framing the letter and hanging it on the wall in his office, in a spot where every angel who enters would be sure to see it … and think better of disobeying him.

Whether that’s what this letter is or it isn’t, the smile twisting the corner of Michael’s mouth gives him no clue one way or the other. What could it mean? Amusement? Satisfaction? Success? Gabriel can’t read it and that drives him bonkers!

“Tell me it worked!”

Michael stops in front of him, fiddling with the letter in their hands – a letter Gabriel’s eyes have locked on and refuse to move from.

A letter he’s about to tear from Michael’s hands like a lion rips out the throat of a gazelle.

“Did he fall?” Gabriel begs in exasperation. “Just … just say that he fell!”

“Not … quite,” Michael says, relinquishing the letter.

“Not quite?” Gabriel growls. “What do you mean not quite?”

“See for yourself.”

Gabriel grumbles in annoyance that Michael won’t just tell him. He knows Michael has read it. Michael, of all angels, is a bit of a gossip – even if they ferret out information simply to keep it to themselves. They’re about as sneaky an angel as Gabriel, and he respects that. He respects Michael. Admires them even.

But he’s about to shove them down the escalator for toying with his emotions.

Gabriel reads through the letter, his face drawing and pinching at the same time, making him look like an underinflated basketball bouncing once on the sidewalk, then stopping with a pathetic thunk.

“Well … shit!” he spits. “Shit shit shit!”

Dear Archangel Gabriel;

After a long and rigorous examination of the blush you so graciously sent for my perusal, I am sorry to inform you that the color Orgasm does not quite live up to its claim. However, your challenge intrigued me so that I’ve taken the liberty to evaluate all products and recipes that claim to be ‘better than sex’. Out of six hundred and eighty three contenders (and counting!) I’ve discovered only five that come close, but none of them quite hit the mark. And believe me, some of them I tried twice!

But worry not, and trust that the search continues!

Thank you very much for the opportunity to evaluate these items and the validity of their claims. If you have any others, please send them down as soon as possible!!

Or, you know, whenever you get the chance.

Sincerely,

Principality Aziraphale

Below Aziraphale’s signature, a black scorch mark passing itself off as letters reads – Anthony J Crowley, demon (and assistant).

Gabriel crumples the paper in his hands, the image of him framing it and hanging it on his wall in triumph replaced by the now smug faces of Aziraphale and Crowley wrapped in post-coital bliss as that insufferable angel penned this letter, fully prepared to launch into another marathon of sin the second he snapped his fingers and sent it on its way.

And to make matters worse, he can’t shake the feeling that, from somewhere above him, the Almighty is watching … and snickering at him.

[peirates]

Photo taken from [Baalbek Roman Temple]

Latin was originally spoken by an eponymous group of ancient Italians. One of these Latin cities, the Romans, spread the language by conquering all of Italy, later the Mediterranean, then much of Europe and the Middle East. Although rarely spoken now, it is the mother of all Romance languages and contributes to about a third of English vocabulary. Its influence has since spread across the world through European imperialism; there are few places left that are completely unaffected by the Romans’ language and culture.

This particular post serves as both a beginner’s guide and a taster to what Latin is, with some common vocabulary along the way. Especially since many people are currently stuck at home due to Covid-19, and may like to stay occupied by learning a new language. Hope you enjoy!

N.B. Anything beginning with an asterisk (*) means that you may hear differently elsewhere, for example on Duolingo.

General

Latin is fundamentally a very difficult language, even for academics, and even if your native tongue is Romance. But I am not saying not to try, I am saying it is normal to struggle! 

All ‘U’s were then written as ‘V’s, and all ‘J’s as ‘I’s. Modern Latin-learning tends to replace some ‘V’s with ‘U’s in order to facilitate reading. We have lost the exact pronunciations of classical Latin, not to mention differences between dialects, but the following explanations are some of the strongest estimates.

*‘V’ should be normally pronounced as /ʍ/, when between consonants as /u/. 

*A standalone ‘I’ before another vowel becomes /j/ or /dʒ/.

Iuppiter servum in exilium pepulit. 

[ Ivppiter servvm in exilivm pepvlit. ]

[ Yoo-pi-ter ser-woom in e-xi-li-oom pe-poo-lit. ]

Jupiter drove the slave into exile.

Iuppiter, Iovis (3, m.) - Jupiter, king of the gods servus, servi (2, m.) - slave  in + acc. - into, to  exilium, exilii (2, n.) - exile  pello, pellere, pepuli, pulsum (3) - drive out, push, repel 

Latin generally follows a SOV (subject, object, verb) sentence structure:

rex regnum amat.

The king loves his kingdom.

rex, regis (3, m.) - king regnum, regni (2, n.) - kingdom; power  amo, amare, amavi, amatum (1) - love, like

There are no definite or indefinite articles (a/the) - normally, you must add them to your translation yourself depending on the context. There are relative pronouns (e.g. qui/quae/quod - who, which), demonstrative pronouns (e.g. hic/haec/hoc - this; he/she/it) and many other pronouns/determiners, but they are not required for every sentence.

*Unlike English, you do not capitalise the sentence’s first letter UNLESS that first letter is part of a name.

Most meanings are conveyed via changes in word endings (i.e. it relies on conjugating and declining) rather than word order. This makes Latin an inflected language.

Nouns

While English uses word order to show how nouns and adjectives relate to a situation, Latin uses endings and cases from different declensions to do the same. Latin uses 7 cases, but 2 of them (vocative and locative) are rarer.

nominative (nom.) - subject

vocative (voc.) - addressee: often follows ‘o’

accusative (acc.) - object

genitive (gen.) - possessor (of/‘s)

dative (dat.) - recipient (to/for)

ablative (abl.) - movement away (from) / instrumental (by/with) / location (at/in)

locative (loc.) - location (at/in)

Here’s an example with all 7 in action:

pater, o Attice, donum Iovis matri cum comite Romae dedit.

Atticus, my father gave Jupiter’s gift to my mother with his comrade in Rome.

pater, patris (3, m.) - father donum, doni (2, n.) - gift, present  mater, matris (3, f.) - mother  cum + abl. (only used for people) - with  comes, comitis (3, m/f.) - companion, comrade, partner Roma, Romae (1, f.) - Rome do, dare, dedi, datum (1) - give; surrender, hand over

Noun endings change in case, gender and number. There are three genders: masculine (m.), feminine (f.), and neuter (n.). The two grammatical numbers are singular (sg.) and plural (pl.). A noun will abide by the endings of one of five possible declensions.

In dictionaries, like above, you will see a noun given as ‘nominative, genitive (declension, gender) - English meaning’. The genitive is always featured because it is the only case whose ending is specific to its own declension (other endings may be seen across declensions but have different cases each time). Therefore, if you know what a noun’s genitive is, you know what declension it is, and vice versa. 

Adjectives

An adjective agrees with its related noun in case, gender and number. However, they do not always have the same endings; all adjectives decline as either 2nd m. / 1st / 2nd n. (also seen as 2-1-2) or 3rd. 

Here, every adjective agrees with the adjacent noun in case, gender and number, but none has the same ending:

omnis puella, mulier pulchra, homo sapiens, puer stultus

every girl, the beautiful woman, the wise man, a foolish boy

omnis, omne (3) - every, all; whole puella, puellae (1, f.) - girl mulier, mulieris (3, f.) - woman pulcher, pulchra, pulchrum (2-1-2) - beautiful, handsome homo, hominis (3, m.) - man; human being sapiens, sapientis (3) - wise, knowing puer, pueri (2, m.) - boy stultus, stulta, stultum (2-1-2) - stupid, foolish

N.B. With exceptions, most Latin adjectives follow the noun.

However, that is not to say that nouns and adjectives can never have the same endings. They often do: Roman writers used this frequently as a literary device known as homoioteleuton.

equus magnus, feminae parvae, homines sapientes, dona laeta

a big horse, little women, wise men, the happy gifts

equus, equi (2, m.) - horse magnus, magna, magnum (2-1-2) - big, great, large femina, feminae (1, f.) - woman parvus, parva, parvum (2-1-2) - little, small laetus, laeta, laetum (2-1-2) - happy, cheerful, blessed

Sometimes you see an adjective without a noun. When this happens, translate the adjective as an adjective AND a noun:

fortis horrenda diu passus est.

The brave man suffered horrible things for a long time.

fortis, forte (3) - brave, strong, bold horrendus, horrenda, horrendum (2-1-2) - horrible, terrible, horrendous diu (adv.) - for a long time patior, pati, passus sum (3, deponent) - suffer, endure; allow, permit

N.B. horrenda is in the accusative neuter plural, hence ‘things’. 

Verbs

The doers of verbs are shown by verb endings, unlike English which requires personal pronouns. Nominative personal pronouns can support a verb in Latin, but they are not required. They are best used to show contrast, unity or general emphasis - as if someone were pointing a finger at you - and this is why they are not seen often. Both sentences below are grammatically correct, but the second flows better:

ego dormire amo, tu dormire amas, nos amici apti sumus.

dormire amo, dormire amas, amici apti sumus.

I like to sleep, you like to sleep, we are suitable friends.

dormio, dormire, dormivi, dormitum (4) - sleep ego, me, mei (pers. pron.) - I, me, my tu, te, tui (pers. pron.) - you, you, your nos, nos, nostri (pers. pron.) - we, we, our amicus, amici; amica, amicae (2/1, m./f.) - friend aptus, apta, aptum (2-1-2) - suitable, apt, appropriate sum, esse, fui, futurum (irreg.) - be; be alive, exist, live

Latin uses the following tenses: present, future, future perfect, perfect, imperfect and pluperfect - and each comes with its own set of endings. There are also participles, supines, infinitives, imperatives, gerunds, gerundives, actives, passives, deponents and other structures to show contemporary, previous, subordinate or hypothetical events - these also come with their own stems and endings, but they often work like adjectives and so are not entirely unrecognisable.

Dictionaries present verbs as ‘present active, present active infinitive, perfect active, supine (conjugation)’. There are 4 conjugations, which are different sets of verb endings.

All Latin verbs come as either 1. active (I kill), 2. passive (I am killed) or 3. deponent (passive in form, active in meaning). Each comes with its own set of endings.

1. hic homo me interficit!

This man is killing me!

2. hic homo interficitur!

This man is being killed!

3. hic homo me interficere conatur!

This man is trying to kill me!

hic, haec, hoc (pron.) - this; he/she/it interficio, interficere, interfeci, interfectum (3) - kill, destroy conor, conari, conatus sum (1, deponent) - try, attempt

N.B. While most verbs can be active or passive interchangeably, deponents never switch. They are never seen with active endings or passive meanings.

The indicative (1) and subjunctive (2) moods distinguish expectations from reality. The indicative presents facts, while the subjunctive anything hypothetical from questions to wishes to fears. Each mood comes with its own set of endings.

1. vir dives me cupit.

The rich man wants me.

2. vir dives me cupiat.

May the rich man want me.

vir, viri (2, m.) - man; husband dives, divitis (gen.) (3) - rich, wealthy; wealthy man cupio, cupere, cupivi, cupitum (3) - desire, want, long for

Learning ancient versus modern languages

I’ve seen language-learners new to Latin comment on the difference in tone and content, sometimes even being discouraged by it.

Learning an ancient language which is no longer spoken today, i.e. ‘dead’, is very different from learning a modern foreign language. Some basic techniques don’t change, such as how to memorise vocab. However, the overall approaches are different because the overall goals are different - unless the goal is simple pure enjoyment, which is in fairness the best reason to learn!

Modern language studies are to encourage international communication and many other reasons.

Ancient language studies are almost entirely to study the ancient world, how it led to the modern world, and this is mostly done through analysing ancient sources in their original languages.

When studying Latin, you therefore are more likely to learn heavy vocabulary such as ‘die’ or ‘sacrifice’ before you learn ‘take a bath’ - some of the examples I use in this post aren’t cheerful. Classicists learn how to translate heavier content first because it is more commonly mentioned in the ancient sources which the entire subject relies upon - death comes up much more frequently in Caesar’s Gallic Wars than greetings. 

Recommended resources

- Duolingo Latin course - if you want to learn Latin as you would a modern language.

- Memrise Latin courses - almost infinite number of vocabulary and idiom lists.

- Massolit Classics ($) - online lectures covering Greek and Roman history, culture and literature.

- Amazon page for John Taylor ($) - esteemed author of Latin textbooks from beginner level up.

- William Whitaker’s Words - reliable vocabulary translator in both directions.

- Perseus Digital Library - public archive of ancient texts in their original languages and many different English translations.

- Logeion - online dictionary for Latin and Classical Greek.

Final Word

Absolutely do not fret if anything confuses you; like all things worth doing, understanding and applying it will take time. I am making more in-depth posts on various aspects of Latin grammar and vocab, with exercises, in the very near future, so hold on tight. Thank you for reading!