#i am still so sick
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Pillow attack courtesy of the @tapakah0 army
I missed the battle. I passed out under the pillow. Sorry :(
(Thank you for the pillow attack though!)
#wren askbox#i am still so sick#surprised i could make even a terrible doodle#i had an awful day at work today#i got verbally assaulted by a coworker for something that isnt even my deal#i cried#i spiraled#it sucked so bad#please handle with care i cannot handle the negative emotions#thankfully my other coworkers affirmed me that they were way out of line#but now i think said coworker hates me#this wasnt even my deal i was just the messenger!#thankfully some nice peeps and cas update and tapa and sara shenanigans and pillow war helped cheer me up#but with all this sickness weighing me down i passed out tonight#im just too weak for all this#sorry i rambled on your pillow attack i really appreciate it#i hope to have the energy to get to my other asks soon
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submitted both my papers and they were both absolute dogshit just like how i feel <3<3<3
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got to be a lizard today and have lunch and a bevvy in the sun so maybe, just for today, life sucks a little less
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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Parents and children~
extra:
#okay i swear this one was funnier on my head#But i was bedridden and high on cough medicine for the past 4 days and only had my ipad to bring me entertainment#so MAYBE my sense of humor was not right#and i'm still sick and i can't deal with coughs anymoreeeeeeeee i wanna draw mihawk properly not scribles dnajskdnjsak#anyways tags!#dracule mihawk#mihawk#one piece mihawk#mishanks#red haired shanks#shanks#akagami no shanks#one piece#op#one piece shanks#akataka#redhawk#op shanks#zoro#perona#ghost princess perona#roronoa zoro#goth family#goth fam#and yeah i see shanks as a terrible dad i am sorry please don't cancel me
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its always “we should beat up and kill rapists and abusers!” but the moment someone actually does you all turn on them
#gypsy rose blanchard#amber heard#menendez brothers#lyle menendez#erik menendez#because i am SICK and TIRED of it#its always “why didn’t they fight back?” until they do#you will never understand what it’s like to be a victim of abuse until you are one#so don’t speak on it#and even when they do everything “right”#when they go to police and leave them and keep their distance#they are still victimised and end up dead. just look at nicole brown#anyways fuck johnny depp fuck deedee blanchard and fuck the menendez parents
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screenshot redraw from the last ep hehehehe
#kaiju no. 8#kn8#hoshina soshiro#my art#still not over tight shirt will never be over tight shirt#last ep went so hard i am still sick in the head over it#will i ever be normal again after this anime probably not#hope someone gets to rest their head on his chest tonight bless#you'd think he's my fav character by how much i draw him lmfao
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I have been meaning to do a crossover with the one and only @kathaynesart for such a long time! And the @tmntaucompetition has created the perfect excuse for this :)
I think Sprout and Omega would have a surprising amount in common, they have a lot they can talk about with one another!
Apologies for the cliffhanger- haha- whoops-
#2 arms left#replica#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#once again thank you diana for making these sick ass viking designs#that still have the plastrons showing because I like drawing them hehe#anyways reason for the cliffhanger: I had the dialogue leading up to this point#but my head blanked on what sort of response omega would give#so I am potentially leaving this to kat if she has time o7 <3#also how rooms/locations work in the multiverse is confusing... haha
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So.
Act 5, huh?
Oh, and that.
"You can start breakdown now."
Finished the game couple of days ago and had some thoughts I needed to process a little. Like. Yes.
So anyway I actually didn't plan this and just wanted to redraw some sprites to just make sure I understand how to draw Siffrin correctly (still working on that!)
What did I learn from this? How fun it it to draw on a canvas that literally doesn't let you draw with colors without some layer cheating when necessary. Never tried it.
The beans. Sleeping beans.
Basically what happens when you want to sleep AND draw. Draw characters sleeping on your behalf.
Doesn't help, but at least it's cute.
I have no idea what was going on in my mind as I drew this. Feels like a fever dream of 'I want to sleep' at 4 am and 'Hm...' of thinking random things
Also that phone craft sign. Still too funny to imagine. I had to.
#fanart#sketch#my art#isat spoilers#isat#siffrin#siffrin isat#isat loop#in stars and time#I also tried to draw the Party too! But that one sketch is too rough yet!#And I'll probably never post it it was fun to draw them tho#Anyway I had /thoughts/ playing Act 5#Not great ones too! I would rather they stayed where I would never even know they exist#But I had to while playing so I did#So it took some time to just sit with everything also I spend a lot of time just doing achievements#One left! The annoying one.#NG+ is fun too#I'm still surprised by how much I enjoyed it#Like 'staying until 6 am playing 10 hours straight' kind of enjoyed#From 'hm I wonder what's it about' to 'yeah I cried multiple times so I think it's allowed to live in my head too'#I got sick multiple times on related and unrelated reasons while playing and planning to play that wasn't fun#Anyway it's cool have some sketches because I couldn't stop drawing last night#I love drawing characters being emotionally in pain but that requires specific mood and music to go with#And not overdoing it#Like when drawing first one 'Aishite' was on loop the whole time#It's b&w too! Red layers are added with 'paste' magic love that
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My roommate and I are financially unstable while he does through a long, complicated diagnosis process that started as we stopped being homeless. I just got a job, and it's going to pay well and allow us to get caught up and stable, but I don't get my check for a week and a half. We have rent due on the 1st, our storage bill due at the end of the month, and we are out of food.
Dm me for proof or details
I will do art for anyone who gives, just message me @theartistrans I also take commissions there.
Dm me for zelle
$creepiecrippl
V
PP
$0/$900
#for anyone curious we are growing our own food to reduce food costs and thats going well but takes literal months and we were only able to#start as it got warmer so things are a little slow on that but we also have enough planted to feed us already so theres that#and i am actually still applying to more jobs in hopes of getting a 2nd because its expensive to have medical issues turns out#we are just now recovering from bad malnutrition issues thats kept us both on and off sick for months and my roommate is still severely#underweight but hes gained a little🎉
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Nerdy prudes must die! Nerdy prudes must die!
Rock zombie Branch to match rock zombie Poppy YIPPEE!!!
Progress gif + flat colors under the cut!
#rainyart#trolls#trolls branch#trolls world tour#rock zombie branch#dreamworks trolls#idk if i like this one QUITE as much as the poppy one but i still think it looks sick :]#needed a starkid lyric to match poppy's starkid lyric ehehe#i am so tired queuing this and PASSING OUT!!!#so glad i was able to sneak this in between thesis work. now i lock in until the semester starts
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On average, what is the total MONTHLY amount that you spend on dining out*?
*(This doesn't only count going out to restaurants, but also stuff like picking up fast food to bring home, getting a coffee on the way to work, getting a premade sandwich from a grocery store deli during lunch, buying a quick snack from a convenience store or food cart whilst walking somewhere, ordering a pizza or any other food to be delivered to your home, etc.)
*(If you often dine out in groups/as a household: calculate and divide the costs so that you get a Per Person average. This is for YOU individually, NOT the total household/group costs)
(I'm sure polls similar to this have been made before (very common topic), I just haven't personally seen one that I can remember, so, I was curious to do my own! I was discussing this with a group of people today and it was very interesting to see how widely the number varied between individuals. :0c )
(Reblog for bigger sample size if you can, and feel free to explain your answer in tags if there's anything extra to add!)
#polls#tumblr polls#I'm mostly in the 0/1 - 25$ category. Maybe the rare month is a bit over $25 if there's something specific going on like birthday.#Which I'm NEVER eating in an actual restaurant (erm... covid... plus I just hate restaurant environments. i would rather pickup#the food and bring it home to a peaceful quiet environment that I control lol). But more typically like stopping by a grocery store deli#section or something. I don't have coffee that much. And I can't eat fast food much due to my health issues/diet restriction stuff#so if I'm out like coming back from an appointment and I start feeling really sick and weak. I know that a hamburger will just#blow up my system and cause nausea or something. So I try to pick the breadiest most#neutral looking turkey sandwich at the safeway deli to eat during the hour ride home or whatever lol#I actually kind of wish I could do stuff like get food more often vecause it would take the burden of cooking everything off of me#but.. alas... Money... and Health Things... T o T#I still wouldn't do it ALL the time but like... once a week instead of once a month or something.. or maybe turning into a coffee#person.. I do love drinks A LOT .. i am a drink person who will have 5 different drinks sipping on at all times#But i just have to make them all myself mostly lol#And I cant really have too much coffee since it will make me sick. so like.. teas and juice mostly#When I inevitably become a millionaire by never using social media never networking and only finishing one#sculpture every 5 months which I dont even post about or sell - then I shall... get more drinks..#I will somehow wean my body onto coffee and drink one a day solely for the ritual of it#Though even then... I would still probably just like.. buy the mateirals to make it at home or something#Like if you had a million dollars you could just buy a kitchen grade ice cream machine and other stuff to make your own milkshakes and#coffees and smoothies and bubble teas. Genuinely I think even if I were a BILLIONAIRE I would still look at playing likr $8 for a single#coffee and go .. uh.... I could just buy the equipment to make this and then save that money. PLUS. its in my house now so no need to#have to leave. I can make my own drinks in the comfort of home. .. ideal..#Like no matter how rich I ever got I would still have the lingering scroogey stinginess. like i am NOT paying for that. I will jus#make it myself. Especially if it was an Everyday thing. Anythign thats part of my routine I try to optimize and make as efficient as#possible... ANYWAY.. In an IDEAL world I would get treats. but probably not that much. as on a daily basis it would start to get#to me and I would just save up to buy kitchen machinery if I was rich lol
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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LOVED mtmtm and the way you write. are there any writers, artists, or anthologies you would recommend that exist in that same trans/horror/erotica/fantasy crossroads?
a few! not many that hit all points at once, but here's some reads you might enjoy:
Bound in Flesh: An Anthology of Trans Body Horror - exactly as it says, this is a collection of 13 stories by trans and nonbinary writers. i liked it a lot, thought it had a lot of great stories, and it made me feel really excited about the future (and present) of trans horror.
Body after Body by Briar Ripley Page - "Sex, drugs, violence, cannibalism, psychic powers, a catgirl (sort of)", body after body is a novella that describes itself as a "lurid, dreamlike, amoral queer/trans sci-fi trash literature at least four or five people have been waiting for". i can confirm everyone i know who has read it has loved it, myself included.
Eyetooth by Mars Adler - trans horror erotica novelette with medkink + wound fingering (one of my absolute favorite things!) between an art student and a mysterious androgynous doctor. LOVED the surgery scene.
The Scales of Seduction by Rien Gray - not horror. This one's an f/f trans erotic romance novella between the last living Basilisk and Medusa, but i have to mention it because its a strong contender for my book of the year. Loved loved loved the writing. Poetic prose that had me highlighting lines on every page. Just astoundingly wonderful.
Kissing Carrion by Gemma Files - a collection of short horror stories "where obsession is stronger than death... body, soul, time and space itself, are all fluid and treacherous... vampires ache for more than simply blood... where the only escape from the darkness within is to embrace it". none of these stories are trans, but it has some queer horror elements that have left a heavy mark on my brain. gemma files has been a big influence on my writing in so many ways and reading this collection last year was one of the big things that pushed me to take the leap to write something like MtMtM!
that's all for now. i have a ton of weird trans indie sex books on itch.io bookmarked i still need to check out, but people are free to leave their own recs in the replies. and i talk a lot more about books over on my personal blog (@wiltking).
#(thank you!!)#i have so many sick books lined up to read but i am still stuck in Turning land :') for now#ask wilt
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There's no turning back.
... Is there anyone who'll be able to survive what lies ahead?
#millions knives#trimax#trigun spoilers#knives sure as fuck didn't lmao#ending my sick drawing saga with this one <3 i feel better now thx#yeah i'll give knives the piano piece. fuck you#i do love drawing knives beautiful. i loved doing the detailing on this one tbh it was a ton of fun#now i am less confident in the background but. what can you do :3 what i get for trying not to use red ig#it's so interesting that quote is from elendira too. she really just wanted to watch the world burn. get it girl <3#manga#illustration#artists on tumblr#drawing#my art#comic#fanart#trigun#i've been drawing too much knives for someone who likes other characters way better lmao. listen. im still processing the uhh#my own sibling trauma ok#drawing diablo vash is therapeutic in a similar way tbh lmfao
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