#i am sooo enjoying this year thus far

[dynamimight]

been on my grind i am becoming an academic weapon my brain gets 10 times bigger every day

[whentherewerebicycles]

my baby is six months old today!!! he’s been alive for half a year!!!!! it somehow feels both like he's been in my life forever and like i just gave birth days ago. I love him so much it makes me feel a little frantic sometimes. he is down for his first nap now and I can hear him in his crib grumbling to himself about the terrible indignities they subject sweet little babies to these days (chief among them being wrapped in blankets in a soft little sleeping bag in a cozy warm room for a nice restorative nap).

I think I want to journal a bit today—six things about the baby + six thoughts about my experience of parenting thus far. baby first!

well i mean. he is just perfect. he is just the best little guy ever. all babies are the best little guy ever but he is MY best little guy you know? i love him so much. what is his personality like? i would say he has definitely retained something of the watchfulness and slight reserve he had as a newborn. he has these huge dark eyes and he studies things very intently and in general likes to Observe the Situation before wading in. but he is, so far, not especially shy? the stranger danger phase has not set in yet so he enjoys being held by a wide range of people and will warm up to new faces after a bit, especially if they make silly expressions at him or sing to him. he also definitely has His People, who he is not reserved with at all. the second my sister walks in he starts kicking his legs furiously and babbling to her to get her to come over and talk to him. he looooves my mom and is way snugglier with her than anyone else. he adores his primary babysitters (his nanny + liz's husband A) and is sooo chatty with them. he was slow to smile (liz's baby was beaming at everybody from like five weeks on but i don't think O was smiling regularly until about 12 weeks) and he is still pretty selective with them (strangers do NOT get smiles unless they make a very silly surprising noise). but his general temperament is just like… he’s a calm, even-keeled, good-natured little guy who is down for pretty much whatever. this kid can hang.

he is REALLY good at independent play. if he's fed and changed he can pretty much entertain himself for 45-60 min at a time without any input from me. he just kicks around on his mat and plays with his toys. in the morning he wakes up around 6:30 but the family does not get up until 7:20 and he will just hang out in his crib making his hands dance in the air and chattering happily to himself. i think this is probably like 80% inborn temperament... my mom says i was the exact same way as a baby, just like totally content to chill and think and talk to myself. but i think maybe 20% of it is also things i consciously did to encourage this from about four weeks on and i am proud of that! i think one of the qualities i like best in myself is that i have a high tolerance for boredom because i can just get lost in my thoughts/imagination. as long as i have something to think about or some imaginary situation to play out in my head i am content. i really want that for him too! idk more thoughts about this when i journal about parenting lol. but i appreciate that he doesn't have to be entertained 24/7 (at least at this age). he is content to just be on his own or just be in the room watching people do other stuff.

obviously i adored him from the start lol but i would say that four months marked a big turning point in terms of how much fun he was to hang out with. he just started seeming so much more alert and engaged around then. and then this last five to six months span of time has just been SO fun. he's fully a little person. he has preferences and opinions and favorite toys and favorite people and favorite animals (ruthie). he is learning ALL the time. you can see him puzzling things out and beginning to develop a rudimentary understanding of cause and effect. right now, like in the past week or so, he is extremely into TEXTURES. he must scritch-scratch absolutely everything with his little baby nails. he is obsessed with his "baby paper" (crinkly paper) and he is much more open to tummy time now mainly because it allows him to scritch-scratch all the different quilts we use as playmats. he likes to scritch-scratch the glass when i take him to the window in the morning to show him his friends the trees, and if there is any kind of graphic on my t-shirts he MUST scratch the edges of it. and he does all of this with a look of total focus lol this kid is LOCKED IN on scritch-scratching.

he laughs so much these days. he also seems to have figured out that people react positively and often rush over to engage with him when he laughs, so sometimes if i'm on the other side of the room and he wants me to pay attention to him he will just do this "huh-huh-HAH-HA! HA!" belly laugh so i'll come over and make silly faces at him. i do pretty much nonstop funny accents and comedy bits for him and i'd say i get a laugh 50% of the time... the other 50% of the time he just gives me this wide-eyed look that clearly says "ok... this lady is nutso and i seem to be trapped in her care... i need to proceed carefully here..." which is also very funny.

he is really into being gently manhandled right now haha. i think it is probably related to developing proprioception? but he loves to be "flying baby" (where you lift him over your head and zoom him around like an airplane) and he loves being a pendulum in a giant clock (where you hold him under his arms and swing his body back and forth as you lift him up and down) and he REALLY loves it when you wrap him up in your arms and roll into a ball and roll over and over a bunch of times. also it delights him when you play-wrestle with him and tickle him even though he cannot yet really wrestle back lol. bonus points if you also growl at him and pretend you are going to eat him up... that's a big hit right now. when i was a kid my dad would wrestle with us all the time and pretend to be a bear chasing us around the house on all fours and let us ride on his back and stuff and it was so much fun. so far it is also pretty fun for the grownup lol i feel like it's a great way to get some silly energy out. but also i think i need to start lifting weights lol because this kid is already so heavy and i want to be able to keep tossing him around and wrestling with him when he's even bigger!!

on a related note: he is getting much stronger!! he is a big boy (as of today: 75th percentile for weight, 98th percentile for height, and wearing 12 month clothes). some of the physical milestones have been challenging for him because he weighs a lot and has a big ol noggin, so it's a lot of work to lift/maneuver his body. but he is rolling over pretty regularly and happily now, and in the last day or two he's started pushing up on his hands a little when he's on his tummy which was the big tummy time milestone he hadn't hit yet. he can also sit up with hip support and is starting to brace himself on his hands while sitting. the contrast with my nephew has been so funny to watch... my nephew is two and a half months older and is the tiniest, springiest little guy, so it's a lot easier for him to monkey around lol. but my nephew also just has this truly nonstop internal motor that seems to drive him to MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE at all times. my baby uhh does not have that motor lol. he finds my nephew's frenetic energy a little overwhelming and is like actually i would prefer to lounge around here on my mat scritch-scratching a quilt, thank you. truly my child lol. why "move around" when you could instead sit in one place daydreaming. it's funny to watch them together and just be like ohhh kids are SO different there's such a wide spectrum of normal.

ok there are six things!!! some other rapidfire facts just for my files: he is still quite gloriously bald but he's started getting hair! no eyebrows yet though lol and no sign that they are on the horizon. he loves taking baths with me except maybe "loves" is the wrong word... he takes bathtime deathly seriously because it is Water Kicking Time and he was put on this earth to Kick Water. so bathtimes are training sessions... he does not smile at ALL during baths he is too Locked In, but he screams and screams when you try to take him out because he was STILL TRAINING. his eyes still have a little bit of that newborn dark blue left but are mostly dark brown now with perhaps the barest hint of hazel. he is really into music and will go into a trance state when you sing to him or play instruments for him. he loves to chomp on his toys. he used to "kiss" your cheek but now just wants to nom nom nom on your face. his cheeks get so rosy when he's worked up or chilly or excited. he is transfixed by his own hands. he does this sharp startled little inhale when something surprises him. he can now take his pacifier out of his mouth and sometimes put it back in (i'd say we have a 20% success rate of getting the pacifier back in the right way). he is almost always a perfect sleeper although we had a little rough patch last night so i'm holding my breath hoping he's not about to have some kind of regression. he loves to kvetch and has mastered the fine art of lowgrade grumbling and complaining. he is teething and so there is a lot of drool everywhere all the time. he likes to hold his board books while i read to him i think it makes him feel important and involved lol. he is very soft and warm and smells good. he loves to snuggle in the big bed with mom. he is the best. he is just the best!!! i am the luckiest person in the world. i love him so much and i love being his mom. what a good baby!!!

[simplydnp]

hii ive recently started watching dan and phil and there is sooo much lore! i sometimes dont even understand their references. is there somewhere to catch up on all the lore (apart from watching all theyve ever posted cause while i am doing that its taking too long)?

welcome to the madness! i hope you've enjoyed thus far.

it really depends on what you mean by 'lore' for how you'll catch up. i'm sure you're aware, but there is 15 years of 'dan and phil' content, and even more if you want to see literally everything from either of them.

if you mean general timeline/history, their draw my life's aren't too bad at an overall summary of career milestones. but if you're hoping to know every little reference they make, even some seasoned phannies don't catch all of them in the first go.

part of what makes dnp fun to watch is the length of career & type of content they've made. they're nostalgic and self-referential--very aware of the audience and the camera and their history. we joke about dnp taking phannie jobs, but a lot of fandom can be boiled down to 'this thing reminds me of other thing' and everyone going wild for it. the thing with dnp is they do this themselves! they'll mention specific callbacks and even go the distance of inserting that very footage into the video. they know their history and they know it well (and, fondly).

i would hope you let yourself enjoy the journey of learning new things about a new interest. don't get down on yourself if you aren't 'caught up', because a lot of the fun is that feeling when you Do understand a reference--it's like you can feel the neurons connecting. there's a balance between organically understanding a reference and someone explaining it, because it's all supposed to be fun, and if you miss something, someone will enthusiastically explain it.

if anyone does have a like, dan-and-phil cheatsheet/primer, please share it!

[sweetswesf]

Hello, everyone.

I had a good time with my mom. Despite what we’ve gone through, I put all that aside for the weekend and just tried to honor her the best I could so that she could enjoy her time and so that we could make a new memory. At the end she gave me some money and told me she would help me with rent so that I could stay in SF because it didn’t make sense for me to move back home if I needed to move back suddenly for a job.

At first I was like, “how sweet and naiive of her to think I’d get a job shortly after I move back” because I truly don’t know how long this unemployment time will be…

She saw what my day to day was like, and she felt sorry for me. She saw all the homelessness, my small space, heard about my lack of friendships and community here, how non-Black people just walk all over me on the street and don’t respect my space, and she knows I haven’t wanted to be here for a while, but she understands the smartest option at the moment is to just stay here…

I can say that I was really stressed this week. I didn’t have much motivation to do a lot of algorithms, but I still did what I could. I tried a few new food places out trying to fill a void. It helped a little bit, but with me being so conscious about every hour, calorie, and dollar, I’m not quite sure it was worth it. I went to a bakery that is usually really busy, but because I went while most people were at work, it was empty. The loneliness of that was just a reminder of my situation. The other place was in the financial district at lunch time. I didn’t plan to get there at lunch, but with public transportation and how slow I was moving that day, it ended up being at that time. I’m sure the people I saw working probably wish they had time off, but I was thinking “man, how nice would it be to have a job right now and not have to think you’re being irresponsible by eating $15 noodles you could have made for much cheaper…”

I’m continuing to pray and be hopeful for the best. I have to remind myself to keep studying, keep interviewing, keep trying, everyday. My Medi-Cal application STILL hasn’t been approved yet, and what’s better: they won’t answer their phones. I don’t want to go back to pay $700+ for health insurance.

I took SOOO many naps this week just exhausted from my mom’s visit. I did an interview. Interviewer was yawning and not paying attention. I would ask him questions, sometimes repetitively, but he wouldn’t respond to them. I guess he was tuning me out. One question in particular he didn’t respond to, so I continued with the design on that assumption, and he later corrected me on it. I had to remind him that I asked him about that and he didn’t say anything so that he wouldn’t give me negative feedback on that part, but once you call them out, it’s not a good look for you either 🤷🏾‍♀️. I asked for feedback and he told me he couldn’t give me any but that, “I definitely did some good things.” But the way he said that makes me think there were a lot of negatives.

There was some “okay” news for the role I’m hoping for and another person who referred me to a different role said she would bump the recruiter. I just hope I can stay focused, not forget what I have learned thus far, and not be so distracted by my circumstances so that I can get what I want.

I’m struggling with confidence and thinking about all the money I have spent during this time. Every day I wake up like wow, I’ve gone 9 months without a job…

The longest I’ve heard of someone going without a job is 2 years. With every passing day, I feel like I get less and less attractive to open positions and that doesn’t feel great, because I don’t want to settle for a position just to have something.

I won’t forget this time. It’s been traumatic. I still cry everyday.

I’m so emotionally sensitive as well. My mom bought me groceries after I had just bought groceries and it angered me. Just give me the money. I am not lacking in food. I probably am eating too much. I need money for rent and health care, primarily. It made me wonder if she didn’t trust me to spend the money she would give me wisely. She also bought me something that would give me more counter space and it frustrates me because it reminded me of how small and frustrating my counter space is and how I want to be in an apartment with more counter space. I also felt like that money she spent on that could have gone to rent or health care.

I told her how I felt. She understood. Just saying those words to her made me cry. I was frustrated and I was frustrated that I was frustrated. I felt ungrateful. She was trying to help and I was trying to dictate how she should help me. It also just reminded me of my situation again. I didn’t have this stress when I had a job. I didn’t have to have these hard conversations. I didn’t have to be so hyper-vigilant about every dollar.

I’m trying my best to stay calm and just focus on His promise for my life. And just appreciate things, no matter how “sweet” I used to have it. I have to believe that great is coming and that I’m going through this for a reason.

My little brother moved back to LA from Korea. He was there probably less than a month. I thought my mom knew he was on anti-depressant and anxiety meds when I saw them after I had his room cleaned. Apparently she didn’t know. Apparently when they went on their vacation to Arizona, he didn’t take his meds and my cousins told my mom that he was freaking out. Apparently, he didn’t take his meds on his trip to Japan and had a panic attack that my mom had to pay a $1k hospital bill for. Apparently, he wants to move to my grandmother’s house, the house I planned to move to if I had to move home.

My brain couldn’t process all of this and I just shook my head. I want my dream job real bad and healing for myself and my family.

With all this exhaustion, the thought of jumping right into a job fatigues me. Sure I could “take mini breaks” now, but how do I do that on a small budget without over consuming social media?

Speaking of which, I want to try next week to just consume less social media. If I need a break, I need to just walk around, open my Bible, close my eyes.

I wished one of my “friends” who stopped contacting me a happy birthday and offered to take her out. She said she felt really withdrawn. I haven’t heard from her since Monday. I feel that relationship has ended and I need to stop putting so much effort into maintaining it when she’s showed me so many signs that she’s done.

I was thinking about how Lil Wayne said he wanted to kill hisself after he was told he couldn’t rap anymore. I get it. If something you’re so passionate about gets taken away from you, you know you’ll be missing that thing forever and nothing short of God can replace that gratifying feeling. Not saying that it’s smart to consider that, but I don’t judge him for feeling that way. I could see why he felt that way. There is always a brighter day and reason to live and keep trying.

My mentor from my old team who’s been practice interviewing me hasn’t left my side. He’s remained encouraging, and consistently meets with me. I owe that man SO MUCH! I’m thinking about giving him $1k after I get a job, but he deserves SOOO much more than that.

I’m grateful for all the blessings and this time. I know more than what I want is coming and that I’m stronger than I think I am.

[panelshowsource]

anon!!!!! it’s a really unique cast, one of the most random and unique we’ve ever had, maybe? when it comes to random hodge-podges of people, i’d vote series 8, 12, and 15? maybe? so it’s hard to say just how i feel about them because these groups can take the longest to sort out their dynamics

taskmaster has this funny way of making you dislike(?) someone you thought you liked or come around to people you thought you didn’t care for. john kearns on catsdown back in the day used to make me want to rip my flesh off — now, because of taskmaster, i will always see him as paddington bear and no one can take that away from me. A SWEETIEPIE. i know many people walked away from s8 liking lou a little less and walked away from s13 liking judi a little more. despite at least a few great routines and his obvious wit, ivo graham’s 90s-hugh-grant-but-bitey/cynical-instead-of-bumblingly-charming schtick has never been up my alley. i am really curious if this series will make me come around to him, because i do think he’s let his guard down a lot more in this environment than the more cutthroat comedy environments — and i like him more for it thus far :) he’s really putting the effort in, too! hahaha

frankie is for old gen panel show fans and old gen panel show fans only!!! i love him sm, he’s the wittiest and his giggles are iconic, and i died of cuteness hearing his kids participated in beating the shit out of him during one of the tasks. i already really enjoy his dynamic with alex; alex has his awkward beats and frankie meets them with his own calm and wit really well. i don’t know if a lot of people have realised this over the years, but there’s a shyness to frankie that i hope doesn’t end up depriving us of frankie content throughout the series. as confident as he can be in his comedy and his opinions, (these days, at least) he doesn’t cut people off, showboat, hog spotlight, etc. so i am nervous he won’t get ample screentime like some of the more hot mess figures like ivo and jenny. AND JENNY IS SO DELIGHTFUL LMAO you’re right the older, quirky ladies who don’t take the show too seriously are hit and miss for a lot of viewers, but i hope with jenny’s enthusiasm that she’ll be on people’s good sides. taskmaster is, at its core, silly. jenny is silly. match made in heaven!

mae and kiell... i don’t have strong opinions about mae. a lot of people like them because they’re very pleasant. i know they’re polite, kind, and explore narratives in their writing that are sensitive and engaging to many, but i wouldn’t say they make for spectacular tv in the context of taskmaster. pleasant. not hysterical, but pleasant. will probably win the series? is it too early to say? (i wonder if a more hyper-on-average cast would help them either open up more or have a more stand-out dynamic/character in comparison?) kiell on the other hand? hm... on the most recent episode of the taskmaster podcast, ed and kiell talk a lot about how kiell is genuinely frustrated or angry with the tasks, the surprises, the inconsistent scoring — and that’s already evident, especially by episode 3. ed suggests it’s his character for the season, but ed and kiell discuss how it’s real and kiell really couldn’t help it showing as the series progressed. this is something that i don’t like and don’t think is funny and don’t wanna see on the show. throwing a fake tantrum, arguing with greg because it’s funny take him by surprise with a random bout of impertinence or give him an opportunity to hilarious retort as the egotistical taskmaster character, jokingly(!!!) calling alex out for his trickery, and so on is funny. though it’s not necessary for a good watch, i do looove when contestants can walk the line between comedy and genuine competitiveness: joe wilkinson did this sooo well if you revisit s2, throwing certain tasks for fun while trying fucking hard and demanding his flowers for other tasks; ed gamble, kerry godliman, and bridget christie are more examples of people who knew where to draw the line in excessively arguing, nitpicking, whining, fuming, sulking — but were still able to deliver enough of that that it was hilarious when their efforts were squandered by alex or greg threw down the hammer. i know it’s a fine line for those who try to walk it! i’m worried kiell is gonna be too butthurt and too sulky to the point that i’m distracted. you have to be able to laugh everything off in the end. speaking for myself, when contestants like james acaster and iain stirling took their butthurt and sulkiness too far, it was hard for me to watch, so part of me is already distracted by the fear of being distracted by this type of attitude. ig that’s all to say i’m not very excited by kiell rn (having never seen him before; no, i haven’t watched ghosts), and i’m a but frustrated the taskmaster podcast made me somehow less excited than i was before, but i hope he hits a funnier stride next ep ...

it’s not that deep these are just my initial impressions after 3 episodes LOL it’s cute so far!

i hope you enjoy jenny!! jenny was such a cute pick for this show, i love when taskmaster thinks a bit outside of the box when considering who can compete and comes up with fun people like her

i know! god, i swear there was once he said he wouldn’t do taskmaster or wasn’t that interested in it, same as david mitchell... if my memory serves correct? ...! that gives me hope david might one day change his mind heh... but then, i’m not sure what victoria would have told him about the experience to sway him one way or another HAHA

can you imagine if frankie and miles had been on the same season 🥲

anyways, a win for old school panel show fans! any other older school comedians or personalities you’d like to see? not to be basic but we need jimmy carr

omg good choice anon! it was fun always seeing them do cool stuff~

personally — and i apologise now to all of the james acaster, phil wang, and rhod gilbert team fans — i most prefer seeing the duos/combos who have crazy good friendship harmony and simply love shooting the shit together. for me, that’s mark watson & nish kumar, jessica knappett & kerry godliman, and david baddiel & jo brand (and maybe bridget christie, judi love &sophie duker)? obviously so many teams have so many great moments, but why did all of these teams feel like real besties?? i remember jo going to the bathroom during a task and david not giving a shit LMAO

also, shoutout to al murray, dave gorman, and paul chowdhry for just being the most random team of people ever 

i’m gonna listen to it tomorrow anon!! if you have a favourite episode pls lmk ♡

[gluion]

i love u, mon nom nom hehe

1. my favorite fic of yours is probably a given: of linked arms and bruised hearts :] she lives in my brain as a measure of beautiful platonic relationships, and i hope you know just how much i adore that 70-something-k fic 🤧 i know i havent read all of your works thus far, but at some point, i swear i will, because your style of writing is just so lovely and i'm always so in awe of your prose.

2. a favorite part of linked arms and bruised hearts of mine is probably the moments when yn was realizing they were in love w changmin at his family house. i mean, the entire time they were there was so lovely too in general, but every time they had like,, a thought session (is that how i should describe it??) where they marinated on their friendship w changmin, i was just so so soooo soft and tender-feeling. like omg i was just thrashing around with the biggest pout cuz WTF I WANT THAT.

6. okay im gonna talk abt the same fic again, but i need u to know that the third part almpst had me crying. like i actually had tears welling up in my eyes and SNIFFLED. you have actually brpught me pain and tears—

8. i love that you dig deep with your writing. taking a step away from my beloved, but even in your brief jacob fics, you really take your time to explore relationships and establish a certain environment/ambience. its dazzling and enveloping and just .... ugh, sometimes i just have no words to describe /your words/ :'))

oh beam, i love you ☹️❤️‍🩹 i am genuinely so happy to know that a fic so personal to me means a lot to u!! it’s not easy to write 71k words in the span of two months probably? and before the writing process, i had to outline it (so i guessing this whole fic took 2 and a half months from ideation to writing phase tbh) and please dont feel pressured to read all my works!! admittedly, i havent read all of urs (and i think my other current works dont compare to of linked arms and bruised hearts imo) and as someone who was still figuring out their writing style, it really means the world u likes my writing style :]]

im so glad to know that u enjoyed those moments in jichang’s family home </3 IT WAS ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE LONGER FYI!! there was going to be moments of them revisiting their old school, doing winter season traditions, really just more moments for them to reminisce abt their friendship after all these years. i feel like periods where u look back at ur friendships are just ones i love experiencing bc its a look back at not only ur relationship but even how u grew as people </3

PLEASE IM SO GLAD TO KNOW THE THIRD PART DID THAG TO YOU??? I FEEL LIKE REREADING AND EDITING IT HAD ME ACTUALLY SO SAD … i feel like it was closing a universe ive grown so attached to u know </3 but its okay i still have those oneshots lined up, and if i miss them i will def write them

beam :((( thank u for saying this. like it actually does mean the world that someone appreciates the fact i like to just explore dynamics </3 i think its why my fics end up being SOOO lengthy (and one can definitely argue that i do not need to be saying all this) but i feel like it’s needed, you know? it doesnt even have to be main pairing dynamics but even the side characters </3 it actually reveals so much abt the characters as well. and THANK U FOR SAYING THAT ABT AMBIENCE/ENVIRONMENT :’) admittedly, it’s still smth i def need to work on (and even finalizing my writing style really) but i am so glad that even at this state, someone likes what i do—i feel like im going in the right direction.

i love you always beam!! thank you always :’)

[1d1195]

sam, sam, sammmmm. it’s been a hot minute. im still out of the country, wifi is terrible, i am even more so. HAHA. BUT I MISS GETTING ON HERE AND TALKING WITH YOUUU😭😭😭 but thank goodness because i finally got free time to binge read all the one shots and series you’ve posted (except Honey, it’s the only one left and i’m going to wake up tomorrow and start because i KNOW im going to eat that up) AND ITS BEEN SO MUCH FUN SO THANK YOU SO MUCH.

can i just say how absolutely awesome it is that you run this account and you share all this with us? honestly i don’t even read your summaries anymore because i genuinely know that if you wrote it, ill love it. not even kidding.

SAMANTHA I JUST READ MOST AND YOU WERE SO RIGHT😭😭😭 I WOULDVE DIED IF I HAD TO WAIT FOR THAT😭😭😭 BUT OMGGGG MY HEART LITERALLY HURT SOOOOO BAD READING THAT STORY BUT IT WAS SOOOO GOOD. i was worried cause i remembered all the lauren hate mail but HONESTLY??? I WAS EXPECTING WORSE. I WAS SOOOOO SCARED SHE WAS GOING GET WITH HARRY I WOULDVE THROWN MY PHONE. she was just a jealous bitch, whatever.

the traditional blurb? and then the EXTRA traditional blurb??? BAHSHJEUSHAUAS HOTTTTT. I LOVE THEM🥹

the “heaven is a place on earth” cover is SOOO good, better believe it’s going straight to the clean up playlist. I HAVE A FEW SONGS TO SHARE AS WELL !!! “tenenbaum” by the paper kites - “sweet heat lightning” by gregory alan isakov - “hope” james bay

life is soooo ughhh. there’s something wrong with me, i dunno. please tell me you’re faring better, how’s life ? what’s new ? tell me everything ! love you lots <3333

~🎶

AHHHHHH!!!!! HIIIIIIII!!!!!!! I've missed you so much! Bad wifi is the worst! I figured you were still traveling but it's so good to hear from you!!!! Probs for the best you saved Honey as well, you'll see 😭 I think I got 15 messages for one of the parts. I hope you enjoy 💕

YOU'RE SO SWEET I COULD CRY 😭 I love this blog more than anything tbh. It's so nice to be here and write stuff but it's even nicer that you (and others) enjoy it and let me know that you do 😭 thank God for one direction, am I right?

I hate Lauren (although not as much as some of you 🤭) I briefly toyed with Harry dating but I don't think I could make him date Lauren. Maybe someone else. But Lauren would have been too much I think I'm glad you loved the story overall even if your heart hurt!

Traditional is always a safe bet, I think. I'm glad you loved them too! 💕

Okay listening to Paper Kites but they sing that other song I mentioned to you before so I'm VERY ready to listen to this song 10000 times in a row. (I'm listening to it right now, and I'm loving it thus far). I'm always here for a Gregory Alan Isakov song as well. James Bay for me is about 50-50 but I'll give him a fighting chance (I def heard Let It Go one too many times on the radio back in the day so I'm biased--isn't it weird though? I'M allowed to play the song over and over but the RADIO should NEVER.)

There's nothing wrong with you. Life IS soooo ughh. I'm doing alright. I feel like my energy is off and I'm not sure why (probs $$ related). I feel less stressed than I have in years which is nice, but in a constant state of being busy. Work is good overall! Which is like a HUGE load off my back. Otherwise, just trying to enjoy the little things every day so I don't become filled with existential dread 🙃 I don't have too much new going on. I'm one of those people who shift their closet from spring/summer to fall/winter (and back) so I did that over this past weekend and basically I never need to go shopping ever again (but also I have coupons so what am I supposed to do? Not use FREE MONEY!?) I'm SO obsessed with coffee it's borderline unhealthy but Gilmore Girls says it's fine so it is what it is. I need to start reading again. I've been rereading the same scene of "who did this to you" from what of my books just to feel something and I cannot move on. I mentioned it in an ask to my 💜-anon, but I straight up have two book-boyfriends right now and I'm literally so in love with them it's probs unhealthy as the coffee addiction. I have a wedding to go to this month which I'm not really looking forward to. October is SO busy and I feel like I'm rushing through this message but I am trying my HARDEST to finish a one-shot update for Thursday 😭

Anyway.

TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR TRIP. Tell me everything as well! What has you thinking life is so ughhh?

MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!! LOVE YOU 💕

xoxo

[warriorsparked]

♚ I love the original backstory you have for Megatron, and your headcanons and portrayal provide everything that the comics lacked. There are nuanced ways to redeem villains and you succeed in that, and you also have Megatron keep glimpses of who he used to be and that is so poignant and REAL to me. I very much enjoy reading your writing, and our interactions have been some of my favourite thus far.

SEND ME A ♚ IF YOU LIKE MY WRITING

// isdjfiosjdiofj thank you sooo much <333 I am so touched that anyone could enjoy my writing and portrayal so much. It's been years of writing, and it makes my heart swell hearing such compliments <3 That people can enjoy the effort I've put into a character that I absolutely love and adore to pieces.

I am a heavy believer in redemption, but not without obstacles in the way. Also, because it just not realistic that everyone would forgive what he's done (including himself).

You know I love getting to interact with you and your BA is amazing!

[skittidyne]

hi skitty!! im a huge fan of bbac forever and im sooo excited at the prospect of originale!! i was wondering if theres anything u can share about the story - just fun facts n shit, little tidbits if u will. im rereading the chapters u put up ages ago and it just made me so excited to eventually read it!!

aww, thank you anon! ;v; i'm also very excited (and nervous) to share originale with the world. but there's plenty i can share!

most nosebleeds are, very tragically, mostly only in backstory

the first book covers through to the dreamlands incident*

*with some major edits of the plot timeline prior to that...

there are two puns in the story, one of which is pulled from bbac itself ("wouldn't dream of it" in regard to the dreamlands). the other one is a stealth pun and i hope one day someone figures it out

the main cast are named after various horror creators (and characters), and i specifically gave yui's role to a lady called hayley west so she is, in fact, h. west reanimator

several beta readers have mentioned disliking a certain character and i am TICKLED by it, especially considering he was a fan fave in bbac

i do not have a title for the second book yet .__. but i have names for books 4 and 5

given that three of the main characters (vivienne, mark, and hayley) are weebs, i'll work a haikyuu reference or nine into it eventually, but not yet

shockingly i am not as in love with the kitsune role (now gumiho!) as i was with futakuchi. but i still enjoy writing fox spirits!

i have zero idea what to envision for covers

i have looked into hardcovers if i self-publish

it'll be around 400 pages (first book)

i have the shirt picked out i'll wear for when i make announcement pics for social media

instead of visions only toward the end we'll have shorter ones as interstitials between all the chapters for the series to hammer in that natalie is a stealth mc

i am undecided on whether to go romantic or platonic for two pairings that were full ships in bbac

i am GUTTED that i had to move one character's introduction and thus role into book 2 onward, because she's great and hilarious, and it's extra hilarious because we actually know her by two different roles in the book and i'm wondering at what point people will realize that. also she speaks like a valley girl twitch gamer. because she is one.

sam appears very much to be the fan favorite character so far. which is so valid he's such a good bean

i'm heavily considering moving up my deadline to publish to this summer ("skitty, it's may" yeah i know) so i can hopefully help finance a move

i very much want to write a creature compendium side book a la fantastic beasts and probably will eventually given that it's already partially written (the issue is illustrations...)

mirai (one of the tengu) turned out to be a stealth fave to write because they are SUCH a hot mess but also go :3! whenever their love interest is around

i'm writing mass effect fanfic now and i thank god every day i have so much practice writing weird-ass backward knees with the tengu for those aliens

the afanc is in book 2

there will be more than one old moon ball in the series because i am NOT writing on a half-year timeline ever again (did you guys know what my current mass effect novel has)

the jackalope's name is pyewacket

isaac will get his familiar way earlier than kenma did but it will still be midna and she will still look like this because that is vital to my wellbeing

sunshine remains sunshine because he's actually a multidimensional immortal cat, that's what the failed experiment did to him

my dad made the eventual hunting knife emil will have, because he's just extra like that. in the book it has a partial werewolf bone handle. i cannot legally state what the real counterpart handle is. but i'm also thinking about doing a giveaway way later in the series for it (because apparently it's legal to ship knives in the us! thanks america) because i like to be entrepreneurial and think about fun marketing things. it's also fun to think about "hey you like this book series? enter this giveaway! you can win A KNIFE"

(along that vein there are also keychain bottles of angel blood, demon blood, and luck...)

[ex-silent-reader]

Happy Holidays fic recs

Happy Holidays everybody!  I haven’t been commenting on posts individually like i normally like to so it’s kind of backed up a bit. I still really want to thank all the authors who have been sharing their stories with us and leave a lil itty bitty comment before I can expand on them for their own post so here’s that! Also I’ve seen a lot of undeserved negativity being spread to a lot of authors and I just want to thank you all for sharing your work on this platform FOR FREE and remind you that you literally owe us nothing and I’m super grateful that you continue to share with us. These are just some stories that I’ve read this week, i’d def like to do another of these soon :)

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own any of these stories, each story is owned by the author tagged next to the title and the summary is pulled verbatim from their page, in quotation marks. The only thing I own is gratitude towards these authors for sharing their work with us.

Also all stories are rated M 

Also, a loooot of stories have come out lately and I haven’t had a chance to get to a lot of them yet but i hope to soon so I’ll hopefully make another one of these soon, but yea pls know that I’m not purposefully ignoring or excluding anything or anyone.

Jin;

last christmas | ksj x reader - @xjoonchildx

“ summary: it was bound to happen, eventually. after months of near misses at barbecues and birthdays, there’s no avoiding your ex-husband at hoseok’s annual christmas bash. but it’s fine, totally fine, because you’re both adults – and you’ve both brought dates and booze. what could go wrong? “

This story was amazing! First of all, I love the comedy surrounding the entire situation, Hobi with his 8 trees and instigator Yoongi who also wants them to get their shit together for Hobi’s sake. I love all au’s but sometimes exes to lovers is difficult for me to side with because I don’t see how people can bounce back from so much hurt but in this story it felt very natural how they were able to find their way back together and I really enjoyed the insight to their relationship, especially near the end.

Yoongi;

CREAM & SUGA -  @snackhobi

“summary: yoongi is your favourite regular. he’s patient, polite, and predictable, a-large-black-coffee-to-go-please, no cream, no sugar, thank you. rinse and repeat. the seasons might change, but yoongi’s order stays the same.

and then one fateful day in winter, yoongi asks about the weekly specials, orders a cup of christmas and sugary sweetness, and everything starts changing.”

Ya’ll. Yoongi fics just truly hit different. The plot of this was so adorable and him going out of his way like that to keep her engaged was so cute and just very Yoongi like. I also just really loved the descriptions in this, like how oc described making the drinks, it just made everything seem so real.

universe | myg drabble - @personasintro

                           “❥𝒔𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔; you’re his whole universe, you just don’t know it yet – or him” 

ASDFGHJKL! Like, I really have no words for the way this made me feel. Like, ik it’s not a super healthy dynamic but the thought of a fixated Yoongi is.. I loved reading Yoongi being so fixated with oc and doing everything i his capability to meet her. I also was v interested in the part where he bumped into her and she didn’t react the way he expected because it made me think about how he (or any character’s with his mindset) cope when the fantast and reality don’t match.

Hobi;

 A Holly, Jolly Crisis (M) -  @kpopfanfictrash

* Blog doesn’t allow copy/paste and I wanted to respect that*

This story made me feel so many things. Like there’s so many layers to it and both of their hurt, her visiting him and feeling betrayed while he felt pushed aside. This story was so complex and both characters had so many layers to them, but it’s still sooo well written and I was invested the entire time. Like, I genuinely can’t get my feelings out in a brief way so I’m looking forward to screaming about this in it’s own post.

Joonie;

 my only wish - knj | m - @ppersonna

“✹ summary- There are few things you hate most in this world. Hornets, unnecessary fruit pieces in otherwise perfectly good jello, certain shades of orange… But nothing takes the cake more than two simple things. Christmas. And Kim Namjoon. So why did you agree to pretend to be Kim Namjoon’s girlfriend at his family Christmas party? Bah-Humbug. “

UM! Absolutely adored this story, of course it would be a fellow cream suit enthusiast who can bring so much justice to dreamy Joon. I loved how he was portrayed here and getting insight to both his and oc’s feelings made me root for them soooo hard.

new parent syndrome - @1kook

“ SUMMARY You love Namjoon, honest. But you love your daughter Hyejoo even more— it’s not a controversial sentiment when you know he’s the same way! —and going back to a regular adult life sans kids absolutely sucks. (Or so you thought.)”

The tag “dreamy husband joon” is extremelyyyy accurate. This story was just so cute and their relationship truly felt so intimate and lovely. Her being on the phone with Jimin while Joon was smash SENT me but it was also so hot like ASDFGHJKL that man can do no wrong tbh.

  laundry day - @snackhobi

“summary: You’ve been letting your laundry pile up for a little too long. Fortunately, your neighbour Namjoon is there to lend you a hand. “

Pls this was so hot. Like, I’ve made it very clear thus far that I’m a total simp for Joon, the thought of that man going strawberry picking and thinking to grab some for oc genuinely makes me SWOON. He’s an actual heartthrob.

   The Sweet in Sweet Potato - @sahmfanficbts

“ Summary: You’ve been roommates for years. Now that you’re catching feelings, it’s time to run away. “

This entire series has had me so invested but this chapter!!! I’m always a sucker for Joon but the way he was so clearly in her feels (for OC) but wanting to respect her need for distance, what a man. And I was so happy to see oc working through her feeling towards Joon.

Last Christmas (M) - @jjungkookislife

* Blog doesn’t allow copy/paste and I wanted to respect that*

Damn, I really love when a misunderstanding is such a big catalyst for a bunch of drama/angst. It just really ups the tension for me because as the reader I know it was a misunderstanding but clearly the character’s don’t, so it just makes me really eager to see how they make amends. I really enjoyed seeing them slowly make amends and grow. Also the buildup to them deciding to give the relationship another go made the ending soooo satisfying.

Jimin;

 picking petals｜pjm - @taestybae

“ summary ↣ you asked for a baby, so a baby is what you’re going to get. “

I really have no words for this, like it was so asaifgjhhkc. First of all, I really enjoyed that it was through his pov, i don’t typically read stories like that (I just don’t often come across them) but this still felt so natural that I didn’t even realize until right now, writing this comment. Also, the imagery was so well described and the anticipation built made this story so enjoyable.

Taehyung;

 Deepest Indulgence  - @scribblemetae

“ Description/Summary: The world is a mess, gangs, violence and rates of poverty are at an all time high since corporations took over everything. You built your Sex house to be a safe place and a sanctuary for those in need, promising to protect anybody who needs it. What happens when an extremely attractive and very rich man walks through the door begging for a job at Deepest Indulgence? The one sex house that wasn’t meant for men like himself. “

I AM SO EAGER FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER TO COME OUT. Like, idk how I can even describe this correctly but this just feel so much like Tae...???? Like idk if that makes sense but just Tae being this v sensual man, but there still being more to him than that, just makes so much sense and even the word “indulgence” is just so sensual and reminiscent of him. Also, the storyline so far is something I’ve personally never seen before and I’m super invested in this world and story already. Very eager to see how their relationship progresses.

 let it snow | kth - @suga-kookiemonster

* Blog doesn’t allow copy/paste and I wanted to respect that*

It’s the way I read this last night, it took me exactly an hour (3am to 4 am cause I’m a CLOWN), and I was so invested that I kept putting off sleep to finish it. Man, i’m a simp for this Tae (just like he is for oc lmao). I really enjoyed reading it and the mention of Jisoo earlier in the story had me on the edge of my seat the whole time wondering when things were gonna blow up. Everything was just so sweet and fluffy, and the confession really made me feel so soft for them both cause they both were so in their own heads and feelings they couldn’t see what was in front of them so I really enjoyed the confessions.

Jungkook;

Thank you, baby - @scribblemetae

“ Turns out the boy whos been stalking you for years has decided its about time he shows his face in the form of a picture, and decides its time to talk to you for real, in the form of a phone call. “

I genuinely don’t know how I can simp over this story in a short way but I’ll try my best. The characters are so complex and the storyline is twisted so many ways that make this so interesting to read and easy to become invested in. The way Jk is written, I understand why OC is lost on how to feel for him. Like, his actions are wrong, but actually meeting him and even seeing his though process, it’s hard to make him out to be the villian that his actions have categorized him as. I can’t wait to continue reading and write a full length comment about this!

FEED ME, FIGHT ME.  @yeojaa

“ What do you get when you mix a pissed off girlfriend with a neglectful boyfriend?  (Aside from trouble, that is.) “

I really enjoyed this, I love how aware of Jk and his boundaries the oc is and how she is cautious to walk the line and not push him too far while also letting him know how his actions make her feel. This just genuinely felt like a glimpse into a very real, very intimate relationship/moment and I loved that. I also just really love how this is written and I think you have a beautiful way with words. 

Chapstick - @softyoongiionly

“based on the time Jungkook said he needed someone to scold him so he’d remember to put lip balm on. Or Jungkook’s had a really long day and the only that can make it better, is seeing you. “

Idk if I’ve ever said it before, but I just love how you write relationships. Like, I can feel how comfortable they are with each other and how natural being together is for them. With your stories generally it just never feels forced and I really love that. I also really liked that we got Jk’s pov in the beginning, getting to see how tense he was really made me eager for their interactions and for him to feel comfortable and calm with her. Their interactions just felt so cute and natural and the end, assdjfhi, jk really deserves to be cherished and I loved seeing oc get him to the point of relaxation.

[jostenneil]

hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to recommend all those small town books and adding your thoughts and descriptions of them! It helps so much. I’m adding them to my list, I’m so excited! Also, if it’s no trouble, can you also recommend me dramas or tv shows with this narrative? I’ve been wanting a new show to watch :D

SOOO as i am sure you've seen over the course of the past few days,

hometown cha cha cha - a new gem that is absolutely fantastic to me. it's about a dentist who loses her job and takes a trip to a seaside city for some perspective, only to end up moving there and set up a dental clinic in semblance of a fresh start. the problem is that she's a city girl, and this isn't the city. there's a lot of preconceived notions that she has about the people in town, as do they about her, and so far the show has been a slow and steady practice in the kindness and patience we learn to emulate when meeting new people and understanding that they are as troubled and hopeful in their own lives as we are. also, the romance thus far is positively swoonworthy. i went into an emotional crisis last night over it

into the ring - another kdrama fave that i was positively obsessed with last year. it centers on the politics of a small town, and how a girl who is notorious for making (rightful) complaints to city hall ends up running as a district representative. initially this is only something she does bc she's in desperate need of money, but the mc has so much inherent love for her town that she ends up being a pretty proactive representative anyway. her relationship with one of the people who fields complaint calls at city hall is also a focus, and it's one of the most tenderly developed romances i've seen in a long time. there's just a lot of care and attention to detail in the show that makes your wholehearted investment worth it. every character brings something unique to the table

anne with an e - obviously if i was going to rec the book series then i was going to rec the show as well lol! if we are going to be completely technical then admittedly i do think the sullivan movies have the best portrayals of anne and gilbert as well as the best depiction of their romance (esp in the sense of accuracy, the third movie aside), but the more recent show i think does a better job of staying true to the books' nature of investing in a full cast. it really captures that homey, small town feel that i so love, and i think it expands on the cast in ways that other adaptations haven't really cared to

gilmore girls - admittedly i don't know that i need to include this bc i think everyone knows this is the go-to small town show. but nonetheless. there is a lot about the show that has aged poorly over the years (namely how enjoyable rory is as a character, which is. . . very little unfortunately as seasons go by) but i still think it possesses a lot of small town charm, esp in its comedy. the way everyone's lives just seamlessly interweave in stars hollow is both incredibly real but also ridiculously funny bc sometimes overlaps in episode plot points are so obscure as to be bizarre. i genuinely think it's a really enjoyable show up through the fourth season (the affair plot point aside)

sweet magnolias - this is a new show that started airing last year but oh my god! the level of invested i was as i watched it was so crazy. the plot touches on a lot of different characters but it centers itself in the friendship between three women who are each dealing with their own struggles and decide to open a spa together as a sort of healing project. the character arcs aren't particularly unique but everyone is nonetheless so endearing and i really appreciate how almost every character is human. like i think a lot of shows with teens can tend to make them out as unforgivable esp bc it's so common for adults to portray them these days, but the teens in this show are actually teens, and i like that they're given opportunities to grow and change in spite of mistakes they may make. i rly value those kind of narratives and overall the atmosphere of the show was just very healing. also heather headley is so damn pretty i was completely enamored with her the whole season

everwood - little to no one has heard of this show likely bc it started airing at around the same time as the oc and one tree hill and i mean. obv it was going to be overlooked in comparison. but personally i love it a lot! the initial plot's about this kid ephram who's just lost his mom and moves to colorado with his dad and sister. his dad worked a lot before his mom's death and as such ephram doesn't really have much of a relationship with him, so rebuilding that is a huge focus. there's also amy, aka the girl ephram likes, who's dealing with some trauma of her own bc her brother landed her boyfriend in a coma. there's a lot of baggage in this show re: death and i think there's a sadness that really permeates the atmosphere, but not in a way that's disconcerting per se. it's just real. it gets down to the ugliness and loneliness of trauma, esp wrt the teen characters, and i really appreciate that. the only major flaw is there's a plot point where ephram dates his college babysitter who is in college and gets her pregnant although his dad scares her off so he never finds out. but we ignore that

friday night lights - as someone who was in marching band and could still not for the life of me tell you what is what in football, this show is so damn good. it's about a rural texas town exclusively driven by its football team, except this year, the first game starts off with the star player being paralyzed from the waste down, putting a number of different people on the spot: the star player's girlfriend, his best friend, the new head coach, the runner-up qb who has never actually played a real game. i think anyone who watches the show ends up watching it for a specific character or dynamic but at the core it's just about the like. inherent goodness of people. like some of these people make mistakes due to pressure or grief but most of them are irrevocably human and that's what drives the show forward, as do the unlikely but endearing relationships formed between various people in the town. my personal favorite dynamic is between tim and lyla, who are in a bit of a unique place as the best friend and boyfriend of the injured star player

i hope you enjoy! let me know if you try any of them hehe

[keichanz]

More Than

so i was listening to the song More Than My Hometown by Morgan Wallen which is now my new obsession and i shit you not, the ending to this little drab popped into my brain so fast i knew i had to write it down. thus, this angsty little blurb was born. 

now as i was writing, i realized that it was giving off sooo many One Last Ride vibes, written by the ever so talented @lemonlushff​​, that i decided to tweak this so it could tuck somewhere into the story itself as a sort of unofficially official glimpse of their breakup. i’m happy to report that it has Lemon’s official seal of approval and she loved it! 

so now i’m gonna share it with all you fine folks and i hope you enjoy it too! :) and since it is in the OLR universe, there will be angst hahahaa. 

so this is for you Lemon, my sweet and sour friend~ ❤️ 

one last thing--i highly recommend either having the song above playing while you read this, or at least listen to it beforehand. yes, it’s a country song, but it really is so good and the lyrics - which i’ve italicized and bolded - seem to reflect Inuyasha’s thoughts perfectly, which is why i thought it fit so well with OLR’s theme. 

....shit okay one last last thing: i swear to fuck that the ending jumped out of a scene from a goddamn western harlequin romance novel with its level of cliche and drama and yes i am entirely proud of that fact ;ljadfilajflkahjsfue

She stood beside the bed, feeling empty, cold, hollow as she stared down at the pillows and blankets. It was still unmade, the sheets twisted, messy from her hasty retreat just that morning. Tears burned her eyes as she remembered why; the argument, the begging, the screaming. The heartbreak.

Her heart twinged and Kagome gasped, closing her eyes as she brought up a hand to cover her mouth. Was this…was this really it? Were they really going to leave things like this, unresolved and painful between them? God, she didn’t want to. She wanted to run outside, run through the night to his house, throw open the front door and beg him to—

Her bedroom door crashed open and Kagome gasped, whirling around with wide, liquid eyes, heart in her throat. Golden eyes, furious, hard, bore into her own and suddenly a heat suffused her body, chasing away the previous chill, and her stomach swooped as he shut the door and stalked toward her.

Her breath left her in a stuttered exhale, body trembling, coming alive from the heat in his gaze.

“Inuy—”

“Shut up,” he growled, grabbing her waist, hauling her in tight against him. His lips fell over hers, swallowing her gaps, the crush of his mouth hard, unforgiving, punishing.

Hands – frantic, desperate – removed clothing, touching, grabbing, caressing. They fell on the bed in tangle of limbs, skin against skin, heart against heart, flushed, needy, desperate. Growls, moans, whispered pleas echoed throughout the darkness of the room as they rocked together, moving in a dance as old as time. Fingers grasping sweat slicked skin, hearts thundering wildly and then perfectly syncing in a moment of euphoric completion. A stuttered breath, a gasp of a name; then silence.

Tears trekked down her flushed face as she was gathered against a hard chest, as familiar arms wrapped around her stated body and held her as she cried.

Girl, our mamas are best friends and so are we The whole town's rooting for us like the home team Most likely to settle down Plant a few roots real deep and let 'em grow

Kagome stood in front of the full-length mirror and ran a brush through her still damp hair, the yellow and blue sundress she wore complimenting the blue of her eyes. Blue eyes that were dull as they stared at her reflection, but didn’t really see it.

Which was just as well. She didn’t know why she picked this dress to wear, but had felt compelled to wear it anyway, even if looking at it made the vice on her heart tighten even more.

A gentle knock on her door startled her out of her thoughts and she blinked. Kagome turned her head in time to watch her mother crack open the door and poke her head inside, her smile kind, but her eyes sad. The older woman took in her daughter and her smile faded, but she didn’t comment as she stepped inside.

“Souta brought the car around,” she said softly. “And the keys are in it. Do you need help with your bags?”

“No,” Kagome answered and looked at her reflection again. “I packed most of them in the car last night. I just have my carry-on left.”

Mama nodded but said nothing as gazed at her daughter. Her heart ached at the pain she saw reflected in those dear features, in the eyes were that identical to her late husband’s—Kagome’s father.

“Kagome…” she started, but then sighed as those sad, sad eyes turned toward her once again. Mama shook her head. “Are you going to say goodbye?”

Kagome’s breath hitched. She didn’t need to ask who she was talking about. She swallowed past the lump in her throat and tried to ignore the butterflies that took flight in her belly.

“I…I’m going to try,” she whispered and god help her, but she couldn’t stop the tears from welling in her eyes. “But Mama, I don’t…he probably doesn’t want to see…”

Her throat tightened and she pressed her lips tightly together to stifle the sob that welled up. Immediately arms, warm and familiar, surrounded her. Kagome buried her face in her mother’s shoulder as the tears spilled from her eyes.

“I’ll talk to Izayoi,” Mama murmured and kissed her daughter’s head, her heart aching for her little girl as she felt her own eyes getting hot with the threat of tears. “If anyone can talk some sense into that boy, it’s his mother.”

Kagome sniffled and nodded, grateful that her mother would help her in this endeavor. It was unlikely he’d want to see her, but she had to at least try…

Closing her eyes as her mother rubbed her back and smoothed her hair, Kagome clung to her mother and let herself remember, the memories flashing before her mind’s eye and then fading away just as quickly, only to be replaced by another one, fresher, more precious, more painful than the one before.

But we can't stop this real world from spinnin' us Your bright lights called, I don't blame you for pickin' up Your big dream bags are all packed up and ready to go But I just need you to know

“Shhh! Quit laughing or they’ll hear us!”

Another badly stifled giggle echoed in the night as he drew her into the darkness of the trees, toward their secret spot they’d found years ago. One hand held a six pack while the other held tight to her hand, fingers laced, and he couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across his face before an exhilarated chuckle of his own burst from his lips.

Darkness gave way to the orange glow of a fire, the soft crackling of wood breaking the stillness of the night.

“Why is this so good?”

“Because we’re seventeen.”

“If we get caught, I’m blaming you.”

“Shut up and maybe we won’t be.”

“Hey, this was your idea—”

The rest of the words were stolen in a kiss, a hand coming up to cradle her jaw as a ragged sigh whispered against her lips. He tasted like beer and spearmint gum. She smiled. A strange combination, but it was him, and she loved it.

--

“You should have seen it, Inuyasha,” Kagome gushed a year later, sitting on her bed as she excitedly gushed about her time in LA to her best friend. “The sunset was absolutely gorgeous, like nothing you’ve ever seen before! God, I wish you were there with me. I just know you’d love it.”

Inuyasha smiled and reached forward to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “I doubt I can love anything more than you.”

Blue eyes widened as a flush spread across her cheeks; her breath hitched, lips forming his name and eyes drifting closed as he leaned forward and took her mouth in a warm, lazy kiss.

--

“Would you ever wanna go?”

“Go where?” Fingers racked through dark hair and her sigh was blissful, a soft melody in his ears.

“California.”

“…You mean like…visit?”

“Well, maybe longer than a visit…like an extended trip, or something…lots of opportunities out that way…”

A brief pause before the fingers continued. “No. …Do you?”

“Mmm…dunno. Maybe after graduation? I had so much fun last time, but…”

“But what?”

A pause. Then, “Nothing. Kiss me.”

A husky chuckle before a pair of lips covered her own and any thoughts about the Golden State far, far from her mind as she returned his kiss.

That I love you more than a California sunset More than a beer when you ain't twenty-one yet More than a Sunday morning Lord Turnin' some poor lost souls 'round, Hallelujah bound

“Ewww, get that away from me!”

“C’mon Kagome, it’s just a worm! It ain’t gonna bite ya!”

“Eeee! Inuyasha, don’t you dare—!”

Laughter as he chased her around with a baited hook, the sound of water splashing as bare feet waded into the lake.

“Wait, I think I got something!”

The crank of a fishing rod as he reeled it in, the water splashing as whatever was caught struggled against the pull. Grunting, muttered curses, and soft giggling before with a splash the bass burst from the water, dangling from the hook.

“You got it!”

“Damn, ain’t nothing more satisfying than that feeling when the bass hits the hook!”

“I can think of one thing…”

Soft lips, warm and smiling, pressed against his own and Inuyasha abruptly decided that yeah, this was definitely better.

--

“California?”

“Yeah! Can’t you just imagine it, Inuyasha? The lights, the nightlife, the ocean, and no more snow! You always complain about the snow.”

“Yeah, but…Kagome, I don’t know…”

“Just think about it, okay? I’m not asking for you to decide right now. But this is something I’ve thought about for a while now, Inuyasha, and I just…I want to experience it with you. Please?”

A pause, and then heavy sigh. “Fine. I’ll think about it.”

A brilliant smile, soft lips pressing to his cheek in a warm kiss. “You know I love you, right?”

“…I know, Kagome. Me, too.”

--

“I can’t believe you’re reading that crap.”

“It’s not crap, it’s romantic. You could probably learn something or two from these books, you uncultured dog.”

“Uncultured? Really?”

“Besides, I like it when the guy gets the girl at the end. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.”

“I can make you feel all warm and fuzzy, too.”

Her gasp was cut off as lips pressed against her neck and hands slipped beneath her shirt to roam across soft skin. The book fell from her fingers to dive into silver hair, eyes closing as her head fell back with a breathy sigh.

--

“Yes.”

The blood was rushing so loudly in his ears he barely heard her and the thundering of his heart against his chest was so forceful, it was a wonder it didn’t leap out into her waiting hands. 

“Y-yes?” he echoed, voice naught but a disbelieving rasp as he stared at her with wide, shocked - and cautiously hopeful - golden eyes.

A half-sob, half-laugh burst from her lips and her eyes were bright from more than just the unshed tears brimming the beautiful depths.  Lips trembled as she smiled, hand trembling even more as she held it out before her.

“Yes,” she whispered. “Yes, Inuyasha, I’ll marry you. I—”

What she felt next wasn’t the cool metal of his grandmother’s ring as it found a new home on her finger, but instead the warmth of her beloved’s hand as it wrapped around hers and yanked her forward into his arms. They tumbled to the ground, laughing, crying, exchanging endless kisses and promises of forever as the ring, forgotten on the ground but still nestled within the velvet box, glittered merrily in the warm glow of the fire.

Yeah, I love you more than the feeling when the bass hits a hook When the guy gets the girl at the end of the book But, baby, this might be the last time I get to lay you down 'Cause I can't love you more than my hometown

“Come with me.”

Silence; thick, stony. Cold.

Desperation made her voice high, the words falling from her lips fast. “Inuyasha, please, come back with me—we’d have such an amazing time together, learning, living and—you can enroll in my school, Inuyasha! It’s not too late, there are so many programs to choose from, and I just think you can do so much more with your life than—”

“Than what, Kagome?” The words were snapped, harsh, biting as he whirled around to peg her with a hard stare. “Than taking on the valued responsibility of the ranch that’s been in my family for fucking generations? Than building our fucking house? You know, the one we'll live in after we’re married? I can’t do that, Kagome. I won’t.”

“But that’s just it, Inuyasha, you have no room to grow here! You’re stifled by the responsibility you feel to take over the ranch when leaving could relieve you of that burden! The world is so big, Yash, and there’s so much more beyond this little town, so if you would just trust me—”

“You’re asking me to drop and leave everything I know behind, Kagome!” His voice was loud, thunderous in his anger, his frustration, his pain. “This my home, our home, and you just want me to leave like it don’t even matter! Like the fucking life I’m trying to build for us don’t even matter!”

“That’s why I’m asking you to come with me!” Tears, hot, salty ran unchecked down her face, blue eyes big and pleading and flashing with undisguised panic. “I want to be with you, Inuyasha, I do, but I need you to understand—!”

“Then be with me here, dammit!” A note of desperation, amber eyes pleading, frantic, angry.

A choked sob, a muffled whimper. “I can’t…”

An anguished sound, a shattered cry, and then a door slamming shut, loud, devastating, final.

--

The words slammed into him harder than any blow he’d ever received, the shock greater than hitting the unforgiving ground after falling off a horse, and the pain far, far worse than he ever could have imagined.

Fuck, it would have hurt less if she’d just outright slapped him in the face.

She wouldn’t look at him, her gaze focused on the ground, dark hair hiding her expression. He swallowed once, twice; his mouth felt like a desert, his tongue heavy, thick, useless. His throat worked but no sound came out. Ice replaced the blood in his veins, freezing his lungs, making it hard to breathe.

“Wh…what did you s…” He shook his head, swayed on his feet as he blinked hard. He couldn't have heard her right. She couldn't have just told him—

“…I cheated on you. Inuyasha, I—”

He didn’t hear the rest of what she said. His legs abruptly gave out and he stumbled back, sitting down hard onto the fallen log behind him. The log he’d proposed to her on. The log they’d kissed on—

He shook his head again, a frown pulling his brows down low over his eyes as he tried to register the words spilling from her mouth a mile a minute. Two days…two days ago. That—that didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t—he couldn’t smell anything, couldn’t detect any sort of incriminating evidence that suggested she’d been unfaithful. 

Amber eyes lifted, flashing with tentative hope. She’d been drunk—she didn’t remember, so maybe if he told her—

The sight of his grandmother’s ring, nestled in the middle of her palm, might as well have been his heart because it sure as sure shit felt like she’d just ripped it out of his chest. His stomach clenched, the breath seized in his lungs, and a curious numbness spread throughout his entire body. The realization hit him even harder than the pain had, and that in and of itself would have brought him to his knees had he not already been sitting. 

Honeyed eyes, agonized, pleading, lifted to her face. Again she would not meet his gaze, eyes closed against the tears that spilled down her cheeks. He suddenly tasted salt and with a start he realized he was crying too, the tears warm as they streaked down his pale face but he gave them no mind. 

“K…Kagome…” It was the only thing he could get through a throat tight from anguish. A plea, a prayer, a question all in one as he stared at her, heedless of the tears that continued to fall. 

Her eyes squeezed shut and she shook her head; a clenched sob broke from her lips as she reached forward, grabbed his hand, closed his fingers around the ring, giving it back, giving back his heart that she no longer wanted. Pain, sharp and intense, pierced through him and he gasped, unable to do a damned thing as she backed away from him, arms folded around herself.

“I’m sorry,” she rasped, shaking her head, over and over, backing away. “I just…I can’t…”

A sob, borne of a sorrow so deep, of regret and fear and pain so sharp it felt it in the very marrow of his bones, broke free of her lips right before she whirled around and dashed away, through the night, through the trees, away from the fire, away from him.

Inuyasha could do nothing but sit there, his rejected grandmother’s ring clutched in his fist and his vision blurry from hot tears as he watched her run. Curious, that instead of the crushing pain he expected to feel in his chest, there was a hollow ache that resonated, like an echo of a mournful howl for the one who had just run away with his heart.

What hurt more than the pain of watching her go, however, and more than the diamond cutting into his palm, was the jarring realization that the woman he loved more than his own life would rather fabricate a lie of infidelity than be with him. 

And because he loved her more than his own happiness…he’d let her. 

I ain't the runaway kind, I can't change that My heart's stuck in these streets like the train tracks City sky ain't the same black Ain't that a map dot shame, man, to think that

Sitting on his bed, freshly showered and donned in simple jeans and a t-shirt, Inuyasha’s head was bowed between his shoulders and his arms were propped on his knees. His hands, clenched into tight fists, gradually relaxed and a breath he hadn’t’ even realized he’d been holding rushed from his lungs, escaping his mouth in a harsh exhale that did absolutely nothing to absolve the torment wreaking his mind.

As the last vestiges of the memory faded away, far more painful than all the ones before, he opened his eyes and stared down at the hardwood floor, scuffed and scratched and worn. He frowned, his chest feeling tight, his stomach in knots, his muscles tensing and relaxing with a restless energy that was hard to ignore. He wanted to punch something, to run, to fight, fight for her to stay, fight for them.

But he remained where he was, hands flexing, jaw clenched, eyes shut tight against the pain that was determined to bring him to his knees. God, why, why did she have to—

Gentle rapping on the door before it was cracked open. He didn’t look up but he didn’t need to; he knew why she was here. The ache in his chest intensified, sharped, traveled up to knot in his throat and make it harder to breathe.

She didn’t say anything at first, simply stared. Then, “…She wants to see you.”

Inuyasha turned his head, looked out the window.

A pause. Then a sigh, resigned, sad. “Asako called. Before she showed up at the door, I mean. Asked me to talk to you. Said I would, but didn’t make any promises.” Pause. “You already know how I feel about her doing this, but…you should at least say goodbye. You’ll regret it if you don’t. You know you will.”

A tightening of his jaw and a deep furrowing of his brow was her response.

“…I’m sorry, my love.”

The door closed with a soft click.

A minute passed. Two. Three.

Inuyasha exploded to his feet, grabbed the lamp on the nightstand, and hurled it against the wall with a roar that was equal parts rage, frustration, and deep, intense anguish that reverberated throughout the entire house; echoing, thunderous, shattering.

Deafening silence followed his outburst; he sank to his knees and wept.

I love you more than a California sunset More than a beer when you ain't twenty-one yet More than a Sunday morning Lord Turnin' some poor lost souls around, Hallelujah bound Yeah, I love you more than the feeling when the bass hits a hook When the guy gets the girl at the end of the book But, baby, this might be the last time I get to lay you down Cause I can't love you more than my hometown

It was impossible not to hear it. As the color drained from Kagome’s face and her heart clenched in her chest, Izayoi stared at her with eyes hardened from the ache she was feeling for her son, the sorrow she felt at his heartbreak twisted into bitter, resentful anger at the woman standing before her.

Kagome closed her eyes, bit her lip to stifle the sob that welled in her throat, sucked in a shaky breath meant to harden her resolve. It didn’t and she fought not to fall apart on the front porch, locking knees that threatened to give out on her.

“Go,” Izayoi muttered in a voice like flint and ignored the younger woman’s flinch. “You’ve done enough damage here. And I’m not talking about whatever he just destroyed.”

Hot tears pricked the back of her eyes. Her throat tightened, preventing any words, protests, to spill from her mouth. She stared at the older woman with wide eyes, someone who she, for the longest time, had looked upon as a second mother, someone to confide in, to trust.

She found none of the warmth that she was used to seeing. No fondness, no compassion, no understanding. Coldness spread through Kagome’s veins, turning her blood to ice, knotting in her stomach, heavy, uncomfortable.

Izayoi stared back, cold, unforgiving, unregretful.

“I’m sorry,” Kagome whispered.

The older woman pressed her lips into a thin line and looked away, arms tight across her chest.

Rejected, heartbroken, Kagome turned, her feet feeling heavy as they carried her back to her car. The tears ran unchecked down her face now, streaming down pale cheeks. She tasted salt and she got in the vehicle, closed the door. Her body felt like it was on autopilot as she revved the engine and started down the long dirt driveway.

It wasn’t until she had gone halfway that she broke down, great, gasping sobs erupting from her throat. Her vision was blurry from the unending tears and her knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so hard. Without even realizing it her foot had slipped from the accelerator and she was merely coasting now, too distraught, too tormented to think about anything else but the pain ravaging her heart. Unbidden one last memory, the most recent, flashed before her mind’s eye, twisting the knife keeper, crushing her, killing her…

“Don’t do this.”

He froze at the softly uttered words, spoken in a tone so raw with pain that it trembled. He swallowed hard and turned his head just the slightest bit, but said nothing.

Silence. Thick, tense, deafening.

Then he tightened his jaw, hardened his eyes, and continued putting his boots on.

A choked sob, the rustle of cloth. “Inuyasha, please—”

“I’m sorry.”

He stood up from the side of the bed and refused to look at her as he collected his jacket, still sitting in a heap on the floor from where it was hastily thrown the night before.

A stuttered breath, followed by the salty scent of tears. His lips drew into a tight line and his hands fisted tightly at his sides as he forced himself to head toward the door. But, goddamn him, he paused right in front of it, hand on the knob, jaw clenched so hard it ached.

“Please,” she begged and the word was a raspy plea, vision blurry from tears. “If you would just—we can talk about this—”

“I love you, Kagome,” Inuyasha said and he heard her sharp intake of breath, but he didn’t turn around. He swallowed once, twice, and closed his eyes as he opened his mouth and forced the words past a throat tight with emotion.

“Inu—”

“But I can’t…love you more than this. I just…I can’t.”

Another sob, a hitched breath, and his chest ached. He bowed his head.

“See you around, Kagome,” he whispered and left, his footsteps fading down the hallway and down the stairs until the slam of the front door echoed in the dark house.

Kagome dropped her face into her hands and wept.

The front door burst open and Inuyasha was desperation personified as he rushed past his alarmed mother, sprinting as fast as he could toward the barn that held the horses. Not even a full minute later a white blur sped from the barn and bolted through the open gate of the pasture, following the car that was leaving with his love, his soul, his very heart.

Standing on the porch, Izayoi pressed a hand to her heart while the other covered her mouth, muffling the sob that burst from her lips as teary eyes watched her son chase after the woman who broke his heart.

'Cause I love you more than a California sunset I love you more in a twenty-dollar sundress Hate that loaded down car you got your keys in Girl, but I hate even more that you're leavin'

Urging his mount to go faster, harder, the thundering of her hooves against the ground rivaled that of the thundering of his heart in his chest. Hands gripping the coarse hair of her mane, Inuyasha grit his teeth against the harsh wind, his eyes wild, desperate and bright with unshed tears as he kicked the mare’s flanks to go faster, dammit, faster!

The distance between them was closing, the rumble of the engine, of gravel crunching beneath tires becoming louder until he was riding alongside her, along the fence that enclosed the front pasture. His hands fisted his mount’s mane in a while-knuckled grip as he leaned over her neck, legs tight to her sides.

He turned his head and wild, despairing golden eyes collided with wide, tear-filled blue.

Kagome’s heart lurched in her chest, making her gasp as goosebumps erupted on her skin. She sobbed, shaking her head, mouthing his name and forcing her eyes to look straight ahead. What—what was he doing?! Why?! God, he was making this even harder than it already was, taking her heart and stomping on it, cruel, cold, conniving.

But it made sense, didn’t it.

She had broken his heart, and now he was doing the same to her.

'Cause I love you more than the feeling when the bass hits a hook When the guy gets the girl at the end of the book But that ain't you and me so I guess I'll see you around 'Cause I can't love you more than my hometown

Inuyasha didn’t let up, not even when she looked away, gritting his teeth, kicking his mount to keep up when she accelerated. She was crying, and although he couldn’t hear her, he could see the way she shook, shoulders jerking, chest heaving, face wet from her tears and fuck she was wearing the sundress—

The end of the drive was in sight. Kagome slowed down, so did he, but she didn’t stop as she once again turned her head and caught his gaze. Inuyasha was already staring at her, heart in his eyes, a silent plea falling from his lips, willing her to hear….

“Don’t go.”

A sob, raw, choked, anguished.

“I’m sorry.”

Without even realizing, he let up on his mount, the mare slowing to a trot, a walk, and then stood still, recovering from the hard gallop. Golden eyes, awash with ears, watched the car reach the end of the drive and turn, driving away, going, going, getting smaller, fading.

Gone.

Something inside Inuyasha shattered and he didn’t think it could ever, ever be repaired.

Love you more than my hometown Love you more than my hometown Love you more, baby, love you more

[alpacaparkaseok]

7 Secrets <pt. 3>

GENRE: Soulmate!au BTS!

WARNINGS: It’s a bit emotional, but not too bad. So don’t cry, ok?

WORD COUNT: 2,143

Part 3 here we go! Like I mentioned before, I want to make this story as realistic as possible, while still allowing for fun elements. Obviously that implies some emotional moments, but I feel like this will hopefully allow us to see Beth (and the other characters) is a familiar light. I’ve fallen in love with these characters much faster than I even anticipated, so I hope you enjoy! Part 4 will be up soon!

A hushed conversation is what eventually pulls me out of my slumber, although I try my best to ignore them.

“I just feel bad waking her up, she must be exhausted.”

“Yeah, but she won’t be able to sleep tonight if she sleeps much longer.”

“True. Ah, do you think she’ll notice if I steal her photo from Jeju Island?”

At this I finally drag myself to consciousness, ferociously protective of my photo. “You touch it and you die,” my threat comes out sounding not quite as threatening as I had hoped, and the fact that my exhausted brain only managed to get the threat out in English doesn’t help.

I turn to see Minsuh and Aera standing guiltily in the doorway, the former with an embarrassed smile.

“Did you just threaten us?” Minsuh asks tauntingly, knowing that it always takes me a few minutes after I wake up to completely switch into Korean mode. I simply nod as angrily as possible.

“Of course,” Aera snorts at my predicament. “It was easy to tell from your tone of voice. You know, for being the youngest, you aren’t very respectful of your elders.”

I completely ignore her, this being a common point of teasing between us all. Although I am the youngest, and the last out of the seven of us to find out about this whole soulmate mess, they still tend to look to me when it comes to making leadership decisions. I’ve never questioned it much, having always felt most comfortable leading, but I can’t help but wonder if it has something to do with who my soulmate is.

I check my phone to see that it’s already nearly 9 pm, and I shoot them a glare at the same time my stomach growls. They simply skip out of my room, but not before Aera peeks back in to tell me to freshen up.

“We’ll go out to eat in fifteen minutes! Are you sure you don’t want takeout instead? It’s been a long day for you.” Aera takes all of my possible needs into consideration, a trait that I’ve always admired. It’s also the reason why we’ve often had to tell her to slow down, breathe, and focus on taking care of herself. I hope Jimin will understand that too.

Long story short, I have a lot of hopes for my fellow soul-sisters and their soulmates and very, very little for myself.

“No, I want to go out. It’s been so long since we’ve all gone out together. What are we getting?”

Aera smiles at me, pleased with my decision. She’s one of the most social, always aching to get out and go do something.

“Ichika was going on about getting some udon noodles, does that sound alright?”

My stomach rumbles at the mere mention of the Japanese noodles, and we both take that as a yes.

↔

When Bang Si-hyuk decided that it would be best if the seven of us had an apartment together in Seoul, our only condition was that it be close to good food. He might have thought it strange or immature, but I’m still grateful for our foresight back then.

I currently wander beside Himari, our arms slung around each other's shoulders. Ichika leads the way with Kyung-Soon, the two of them rubbing their bellies as we all talk about the good food we just devoured.

If I try hard enough, the cameras that are capturing our every move fade away into the blackness of the night.

Minsuh, Aera, and Seohyun bring up the rear, singing “Mic Drop” at the top of their lungs.

“Himari! Himari!” Seohyun giggles like a maniac. It’s no secret she’s a sucker for Mic Drop. I’ve heard her sing it more than I’ve heard the actual song at this point. “C’mon, help me with the ‘mic mic bungee’ transition, from j-hope to Suga.”

Himari wastes no time in jumping back there, the two of them looking absolutely insane as they go all out. It leaves the rest of us with tears running from our eyes at the sight.

“You look drunk,” Kyung-Soon points out, trying and failing to look serious. “Did you drink?”

Both girls giggle in response, still trying to perfect the transition. “No, of course not. We’re drunk on life, Soon-ah!” Seohyun blurts out, and we all groan in response.

“You know how we get when we’re all together,” Aera interjects. I note that Minsuh has taken her phone out of her pocket and is filming the show. I have no doubt that she’ll find a way to use the footage against them in the future.

“It’s been sooo long,” Ichika adds, smiling warmly at me.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry that I had to leave for so long. I know you all missed me.” I smirk at them, and they roll their eyes at me. Nobody denies it though, I have hundreds of text messages stating how much they missed me to prove it. I swear I received at least one every day.

Kyung-Soon links her arm in mine, and we continue walking. “We’ll see you weirdos at the house,” she calls over her shoulder. One camera breaks off to follow us from a distance, the other staying behind to watch the show play out. Sure enough, Seohyun and Himari hardly even notice our absence, they’re too busy trying to remember choreography.

With only a couple of blocks left to go before we make it back to our apartment, Soon and I fall into a companionable silence. It’s a while before she breaks it.

“How’s everything going with your book?”

I smile at her, touched that she thought to even ask. She’s always been good at that, though. “It’s...going.” I shrug, and she gives me a knowing laugh.

“You’ve said that about every book. Is this one no different?”

Kyung-Soon is one of the quieter ones, but she’s also one of the people I trust the most. We’ve spent countless nights over the past three years talking late into the night, bouncing book ideas off of each other as well as discussing our deepest fears.

“Well, it was going great for a while. Right now I’m struggling with a bit of writer’s block. Or it’s not even writer’s block. I’m just…” I sigh, craning my neck to look up at the stars far above me. “I’m just tired.”

Kyung-Soon hums in acknowledgement. That’s another thing that I admire. She rarely jumps in with a solution. If she asks a question, it’s because she wants to listen to the answer, not because she’s waiting with a counter-attack.

I wonder for a brief moment if Jin, her soulmate, does the same thing. I entertain the thought for all of two seconds before shaking it off.

Our apartment can be seen at the end of the street, the balcony light still flipped on from earlier.

“Why do you think you’re tired?”

I look at Kyung-Soon, my oldest soul-sister also looking at the balcony light with a small smile on her face. With that expression on her face, I release a shaky breath. The exhaustion from my flight, the pressure of my book deadlines as well as current Webtoon updates and meetings that I have coming up all settle in.

“Soon-ah,” I whisper, and I lower my gaze until it falls on the microphone clipped to my shirt. “Am I doing the right thing?”

She waits patiently for me to continue, even as she gestures something to the cameraman. He mumbles a quiet “goodnight” before retreating into the shadows to set up his camera in a new position.

Kyung-Soon unlocks the door, quietly ushering me inside as I take deep breaths. It doesn’t take long before I’m led out onto the balcony, and I realize that she must have told the cameraman that we would be up there, thus allowing him to capture more footage without having him impose on our conversation inside. I’m grateful for her kind thought, I usually hate when the cameras have to follow us inside.

“It’s just, everytime I come back to Seoul, I start questioning myself all over again.” I wrap myself up in a spare blanket, offering another to Kyung-Soon which she accepts. “There’s just so much uncertainty. Not just in my job. I’m kind of used to that by now, everything can change in a rewrite or an editorial meeting and turn my whole book upside down in a matter of seconds. It’s frustrating, but I can handle that.”

Soon sits quietly, looking up at the night sky. I mirror her movement, hoping it masks the tears that are threatening to spill over at any minute now.

“What’s the other uncertainty?”

We both already know what it is, although I rarely speak about it. I’ve never really even known how to open up and talk about how even though I should be the most happy girl in the world knowing that Kim Namjoon is my soulmate, I have to stop myself from fleeing to Antarctica at the mere thought of actually having to face him.

“I can’t-” I start, but Soon cuts me off.

“You have to.” I look over at her face, which is now completely serious. “Beth, please don’t lock us out and keep all of these feelings to yourself. You don’t have to tell us every little thing, but you need to talk about it. Just because you don’t say it out loud doesn’t mean that you won’t feel scared or worried anymore.”

Sometime during her little speech, the tears started falling. I fall into Soon’s embrace, neither one of us acknowledging the fact that this is the first time I’ve openly cried about my soulmate since that first weekend in Jeju Island. And, if I remember correctly, all of us cried a bit that weekend.

We stay there for a few minutes, and I close my eyes tight because every time I open them they stray to where the cameraman sits in the shadows, eating up the sentimental moment.

“Please tell me,” Soon whispers, and I nod even as a broken hiccup leaves me. I chuckle at the random hiccup, and it helps me to breathe easier as the load I’m bearing is already starting to feel lighter.

“I look at our boys,” I begin, clinging tightly to my blanket and looking up at the stars for the strength I need to say what I need to say. “And I feel like they’re already complete. They have each other, they have ARMY, they’re complete. They have no idea that soulmates are even a thing, let alone that they have soulmates. There’s a part of me that’s mad about that. Mad that for the last three years I’ve been waiting for a man that is already happy without me, that is already more loved that he can even fathom. Mad at freaking Mr. Bang,” Soon chuckles, knowing how much I love and hate the man, “because he refuses to tell them until the ‘time is right’. It’s been three years! And I’ve picked myself back up and tried my hardest to continue on in my career, and it’s fulfilling. I have the most amazing friends in the world, my family is so loving and supportive, and I love my job.”

I stop, nearly panting as my anger fades into something sharper, jabbing at my heart as hot tears spill out onto my cheeks. Soon squeezes my shoulder, bringing me back to the present.

“So why do I feel so lonely?”

I lose the ability to go on speaking, the words too heavy to push out anymore. Instead I simply stare down at my knuckles that clutch the blanket so hard they’re white.

“Oh, Beth. I’m so sorry. Here I was, thinking that it was physically impossible for you to miss Namjoon. Turns out you’re just like me!” Kyung-Soon chuckles even as she wipes the tears from my eyes. “And I know what you’re thinking. How can I miss someone I’ve never met? Easy.” She holds a hand to her heart, and for a moment I can see through my tears enough to see the faraway look in her eyes, mingled with pain and adoration. “Jin has my heart. The idiot doesn’t even realize it, but he’s got it. So I just hope that he returns it to me soon, and in person. That way I can give him a taste of his own medicine and steal his heart. See how he likes it.”

I can’t help but laugh at the evil wink Soon sends me.

“He’ll probably fall in love with you the second he sees you, Soon-ah.”

“What’s that word you taught me again? When I want to say the same thing back?

Another chuckle falls from my lips. “Ditto?”

“Yeah, that. Ditto, Beth. Namjoon won’t know what hit him.”

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[adversitybloomed-a]

🌸┊ @crackedfaith​​ asked:     munday asks ! pick the five questions you most want to answer :3 (or do all of them ♡)

munday asks !!!

i want to thank you for sending in the ask, but 40 asks is waaaaaaaayyyy to much. so i will pick the five top I haven’t answered ??

🌸 3) on what platform did you start RPing ?  🌸

i started to RP actually in real life with some friends, mostly all OC characters, but then moved it to Skype. But then i met a few people && i decided to give tumblr a try && i have been in its clutches for years since ( almost 9 years to be exact lmao ) 

🌸 9) did you have muse you tried to play, but ended up dropping for various reasons  ? (the rpc wasn’t active, you lost interest, etc) 🌸

yeah i played disney descendants mal for a while, mostly got a few of my friends from SW to RP with her, but the fandom itself from what i have seen, is very closed off && i kinda just lost the muse for her ? 

🌸 11) would you be interested into playing with doubles ?  🌸

so while i have no issues with duplicates or doubles, I am very particular with my mulan on other mulan’s following && RPing with them because i put so much history && depth into my headcanons, that i have a slight fear that they will be taken ( which is terrible i know ). 

its funny because i have in the past with no issues, RPed with other Anakin’s, Jace’s && of course any female && male muse i had. but mulan is like my personal OC that i put so much time into... that it becomes a bit tricky. 

i do actually follow a multi-muse that does have a Mulan on there, who is also lore based as well. && i follow because they are a fantastic writer && honestly i just enjoy reading good quality shit && i wouldn’t mind RPing with them in general, let alone with our two girls. 

🌸 12)  what do you think about AUs ?  🌸

for anyone that knows me, all my verses thus far are based off AU’s && i do AU’s off of the AU’s so i legit adore them to bits and pieces. SOOO many different time lines, so much plotting material... UGH they are just soooo much fun !!

🌸 14) what do you think about roleplaying with personals ?  🌸

i am not going to lie to you. this blog is a MUTUAL ONLY blog for a reason. && personals are welcome to send in anons, but i will not RP with them because it is a personal blog && this is an RP blog. 

i’ve had this rule for years && i don’t plan on changing it. mostly, it is to help keep a peace of mind && a stable foundation of knowing what && who to write too. 

[photolover82]

The Masked Singer Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Group B Finals ft a plot twist (Commentary & Guesses)

Hi everyone! Welcome (or welcome back) to Ana’s Masked Singer recap, where I, Ana, recap every episode of The Masked Singer. So, this week, we are back to Group B with yet another wildcard and it is the last time we are gonna see the groups on their own since after Group A’s final, we got the Super Eight (yup, it’s 8 this time... much better still than last season’s format). Anyways, let’s get into it (this is gonna be super repetitive from last week guess wise but I am gonna try to keep it interesting and fresh for you guys, don’t you worry):

Alright, so usually I would save the wildcard for the end as like a surprise, but since the wildcard got eliminated, let’s introduce (and say goodbye to at the same time) to the:

Bulldog!! 🐶

Commentary: Ok, he sang Candy Girl by New Edition (which is really funny and ironic for a whole other thing, I’ll explain in a moment I swear) and um how do I say this nicely?... he’s a great dancer, but the singing is, what Randy Jackson would say, “a no from me dawg.” (Get it? Dawg.. bc the bullDOG... oh ok I will stop now). Anyways, yeah no, he was not good, I kind of expected this to happen honestly, so I am not surprised nor disappointed by any means. However, the person under this mask kinda did surprise me lol... even tho I kind of saw this coming.

He was revealed to be, in the biggest plot twist of the century, no voting, just Neicy Nash picking it:

*SURPRISE SHAWTY*

Nick Cannon, our very own host and Ken’s “daddy*”

*which is ironic because he legit just announced he was gonna have another baby

Ok, ok, did I get this right on my own? Nope, but Twitter helped me out so thank you Twitter. I did officially guess him before he was unmasked (but that’s because I had no other guesses sooo can I really count this a win? Hmmm... TBD... you guys let me know). Anyways, BOOM PLOT TWIST BABY, he’s back! Just in case you guys didn’t know (I don’t really talk about the judges or the host here because I watch for the contestants not for them and it would make this already long blog longer and we don’t want that): Nick had COVID so he couldn’t host the first few episodes of the show, but now he’s better and BOOM he’s the host again... Neicy Nash was taking over for him and now he’s back! So yeah this was just a transition for him to be back on the show, but like imma be honest: he might have been married to Mariah Carey but he don’t got any pipes like her, but he’s a good host so he should stick to that.

Anyways, NEXTTTT, let’s talk about the remaining 4 (which are legit the same freaking ones from last week):

1. Black Swan 🖤🦢

Commentary: So she sang Whitney Houston's How Will I Know and I swear she gets better and better each week like she murdered this song, it was absolutely amazing, my favorite performance of the night hands down. I really love Black Swan, she has one of the best voices on the show and I think either her or Robopine could win the entire season tbh.

I think this has to be (tripling down/final answer/insert buzzer sound here):

Jojo

Reasoning/Clues:

10-10-10= She has appeared on multiple singing competition shows (she did a lot of those shows as a kid), she was on America’s Most Talented Kids and was a guest judge on celebrity X Factor

Montana= get this... if you are around my age, this will surprise you. Did you guys know that Jojo was the original person that the producers of Hannah Montana wanted to play Hannah but she turned it down because she wanted to focus on her music

In her physical clue, she talks about a female singer who passed away at a young age that she was friends with= she was referring to fellow R&B singer Aaliyah

2. Crab 🦀

Commentary: He sang Give it to Me Baby by Rick James and it was a very strong performance, it almost took me aback the song choice. I didn’t expect him to go that hard in the beginning, the hip thrusts were a bit uncomfortable for me and he can’t dance for shit (I am sure it’s because he’s a bit older, not faulting him by any means), but it was really strong vocally speaking. He did actually loose his breathe and started hyperventilating under the mask and had to take a break to cool down (literally, because he was burning up under there), which honestly I hope he’s ok, I am not sure if he’s gonna last that long because of that hyperventilating (remember Mickey Rourke?), but tbh it would have been so unfair for him to go because he did an amazing job and I enjoyed his performance. He got soul.... crab’s got soul.

This has got to be (doubling down, like omg even the picture matches w the body type and everything, I am onto something here):

Bobby Brown

Reasoning/Clues:

Mom kept him in the straight and narrow and taught him how to cook= well, he has spoke about how his mother has gotten him away from the gangs and trouble around his neighborhood and into cooking (he even has a food line, hence the Mac and cheese), which also made him take up singing and thus his band New Edition (remember how I said Nick singing Candygirl by New Edition was ironic? Well this is why... because crab is Bobby Brown aka one of the members.... also Black Swan sang his ex wife’s song so yeah this can’t get any more ironic) was formed

Big Ben= Initals, BB aka Bobby Brown and also he had a show in 2005 called Being Bobby Brown and one of the episodes “Bobby Does London” he goes to London

Ribs= he has a line of BBQ sauces and seasonings called Bobby Brown Foods

3. Piglet 🐷

Commentary: This time, he went a bit softer with the song choice which I feel compliments his voice better, with 7 Years by Lukas Graham, which made Jenny, who apparently hasn’t listened to this song before (wtf Jenny, this song was all over the radio in like 2017 and you are like a radio host hun), cry. I mean it was really amazing and ballads actually suit him a lot more than super upbeat songs like last week’s Andy Grammar song and I really enjoyed it, I’ve heard that song a million times so no I didn’t cry but I still loved it. I do think Piglet will go super far, my guess is he will make it to semifinals.

I am a 100%, tripling down sure that this is:

Nick Lachey

Reasoning/Clues:

Genie Lamp= He did a cover of Aladdin’s A Whole New World with his ex Jessica Simpson on Disney Mania 3

The “spider” who made him a family man= referring to Vanessa Lachey, it was supposed to be this whole Charlotte’s Web thing not really referring anything specific about her that she’s a spider, she could have been another pig for all we care

Dog Tags= in the physical clue, there are 3 dog tags, which he has been seen wearing (you can Google those pics) and they represent his 3 kids which his wife gave him before they had their third kid, Phoenix (btw there’s a P on the bottom dog tag shown)

4. Chameleon

Commentary: Ok so he rapped again but this time the song was Hip Hop by Dead Prez (which I have felt like I have heard but I have no idea where) and I usually hate rappers on this show, but like he’s legit. What I mean by that is like he’s an actual rapper (well Bow Wow was too... but Bow Wow only went as far as he did because of his dancing, Chameleon is just pure rap talent) and his flow is insane. I am not a rap fan whatsoever but I can appreciate good rapping and that was good rapping, actually it was great rapping. Sure, he’s the weakest link of the four but he’s also the coolest one could argue.

Mark my words, this is as I said the last 2 types, again tripling down:

Wiz Khalifa

Reasoning/Clues:

His little Chameleon/lizard= he has an 8 year old son named Sebastian (he also says Cam in the package which is his real name... by him I mean Wiz.... his real name is Cameron)

Martial Arts= the dude likes Martial Arts and has been trained in it and Jiu Jitsu, he has mentioned it in interviews, has been spotted training in gyms, it’s no secret at this point that he likes that stuff

Hot wings= he has a wings place called HotBox by Wiz and he was also on Hot Ones (for those unfamiliar, it’s a YouTube show where celebs eat 10 super spicy chicken wings while answering questions) idk if that counts but I am also gonna say it

So that’s it, guys! I hope you enjoyed! Follow me on Twitter because I do live tweet the show, it’s the same username as here @photolover82 and I do some of these in video form on Tik Tok too if you wanna follow, it’s photolover820 (close enough lol). So yeah, see you guys in the next one! Byeeee! 👋🏼👋🏼

[dillydedalus]

april reading

oh yeah this is a thing. anyway in april i read about uhhh.... first contact (twice), murderers on skis & victorian church politics

the yield, tara june winch a novel about indigenous australian identity and history (now and throughout the 20th century) in three narrative strands. imo the narrative strand that consists of a grandfather writing a dictionary of his language (wiradjuri) in order to prove a claim to some land is by far the strongest, but overall i liked this quite a lot. 3/5

land of big numbers, te-ping chen a solid short story collection focused on modern china and young(ish) chinese people, both in china and the diaspora. i particularly liked the stories that had some slighty surreal or speculative elements, such as one about fruit that strongly evoke emotions when eaten and a group of people stuck in a train station for months as the train is delayed, which imo use their speculative aspects in effective (if not super subtle) ways to talk about society. 3/5

the pear field, nana ekvtimishvili (tr. from georgian by elizabeth heighway) international booker prize longlist! a short, fairly depressing read about a 18-year-old girl at a post-soviet school for developmentally disabled childred (but also orphans, abandoned children & other random kids) who is trying to get a younger boy adopted by an american couple. there seem to be a lot of novels set at post-soviet orphanages etc & imo this is a well-executed example of the microgenre, with the pear field full of pears that are never picked bc they don’t taste right as a strong central image. 3/5

the warden, anthony trollope (chronicles of barsetshire #1) ah yes, a 6-part victorian series about church politics in an english town, exactly the kind of thing i’m interested in. not sure why i committed to at least the first two entries of the series but here we are. despite this lack of interest (and disagreement with most of the politics on display here) i found this quite charming; trollope has a gift for an amusing turn of phrase & making fun of his characters in benevolent ways. 3/5

the lesson, cadwell turnbull first contact scifi novel set on the virgin islands, where an alien ship arrives one day. the aliens seem benevolent & share helpful technology, but also react with extreme violence to any aggression. they claim to be on earth to study.... something, but it’s never entirely clear what. the book makes some interesting choices (like immediately skipping over the actual first contact to a few years in the future, when the aliens are already established on the islands) but i thought much of it was kinda disjointed and confusing. 2/5

the heart is a lonely hunter, carson mccullers look, i get it, it’s all about the isolation & alienation (& dare i say loneliness) of 4 miserable characters projecting their issues on the central character singer, who is kind and patient and also deaf and mute, thus making him the perfect receptacle for their issues without really having to connect with him as a person and how that isolation hinders them socially, artistically, emotionally, politically, but like... i didn’t really like it. i didn’t hate it but i just felt very meh about it all. 2.5/5

acht tage im mai: die letzte woche des dritten reiches, volker ulrich fascinating history book about the last week(ish) of the third reich, starting with the day of hitler’s suicide and ending with the total surrender (but with plenty of flashbacks and forwards), and looking at military&political leadership (german and allied) as well as prisoners of war, forced laborers, concentration camp prisoners, and everyone else. very interesting look at what kästner described as the “gap between the not-anymore and the not-yet.” 3.5/5

firekeeper’s daughter, angeline boulley) i’ve been mostly off the YA train for the last few years, but this was a really good example of contemporary YA with a focus on ~social issues. ANYWAY. this is YA crime novel about daunis, a mixed-race unenrolled ojibwe girl close to finishing high school who is struggling with family problems, university plans, and feeling caught between her white and her native familiy when her best friend is shot in front of her and she decides to become a CI for an fbi investigation into meth production in the community. i really appreciated how hard this went both with the broader social issues (racism, addiction) and daunis’ personal struggles. there are a few bits that felt a bit didactic & on the nose (and the romance... oh well), but overall the themes of community, family, and the value of living indigenous culture are really well done & i teared up several times. 4/5

the magic toyshop, angela carter i love carter’s short stories but struggle with (while still liking) her novels so far. this one, a tale of melanie, suddenly orphaned after trying on her mother’s wedding dress in the garden, coming of age and awakening to womanhood or whatever. carter’s really into that. it’s well-written, sensual as carter always is, and the family melanie and her siblings are sent to, her tyrannical puppet-maker uncle, his mute wife and the wife’s two brothers, both fascinating and offputting (& dirty) make for an interesting cast of characters, but overall i just wish i was reading the bloody chamber again. 3/5

barchester towers, anthony trollope (chronicles of barsetshire #2) (audio) lol tbh i still don’t know why i am committing to this series about, again, church politics in 19th century rural england, but it’s just so chill & warm & funny (we love gently or not so gently - but always politely - mocking our characters) that i’m enjoying it as a nice little trip where people do some #crazyschemes to gain church positions or fight over whether there should be songs in church or whatever it is people in the 19th century fought about. it’s very relaxing. there also is a lot of love quadrangleyness going on and that’s also fun. trollope has weird ideas about women but like whatever, i for one wish mrs proudie much joy of her position as defacto bishop of barchester, she really girlbossed her way to the top. 3.5/5

semiosis, sue burke (semiosis #1) i love spinning the wheel on the “first contact with X weird alien species” & i guess this time we landed on plants! plant intelligence is interesting and the idea of plant warfare is really cool. i do like the structure, with different generations of human settlers on the planet pax providing a long-term view but this allows the author to skip over a lot of the development of the relationship between the settlers and the plant and locating the plot elsewhere, which i think is ultimately a mistake. i might continue w/ the series tho, depending on library availability. 2.5/5

one by one, ruth ware a bunch of start-up people go on a corporate retreat to a ski chalet in the alps, avalanche warning goes up, one of them disappears, presumably on a black piste, the rest get snowed in & completely cut off when the avalanche hits and then they get picked off *title drop* (altho really not that many of them). nice fluff when i had a miserable cold (not covid) but fails when it tries to go for deeper themes... like an attempt to address classism and entitlement sure... was made. also like what kind of luxury skiing chalet does not have emergency communication devices in case internet/phone lines are down...  i’d have sued just for that. 2/5

fake accounts, lauren oyler the microgenre of ‘alienated intellectual(ish) probably anglophone person has some sort of crisis, goes to berlin about it’ is my ultimate literary weakness - i almost never really like them, they mostly irritate me & yet i can never resist their siren call. this one is p strong on the irritation, altho at least the narrator does not ascribe much meaning to her decision to go to berlin after she a) discovers her boyf is an online conspiracy theorist (probably not sincerely) and b) gets a call that said boyf has died, it’s really just something to do to avoid doing anything else. but other than that it’s so BerlinExpat by the numbers, like she lives in kreuzkölln! put her somewhere else at least! there is one scene that elevates the BerlinExpat-ness of it all (narrator asks expatfriend for advice on visa applications, expatfriend assures her that it’s really easy for americans to get visa, adds “especially now” while literally, as the narrator remarks, gesturing at the falafel she’s eating) other than that, the novel is.... fine. it’s smart, but not really as smart as it thinks it is, which is a problem bc it thinks it’s just sooo incisive. whatever. 2/5

the tenant of wildfell hall, anne bronte this is reductive but: jane eyre: i could fix him // wuthering heights: i could make him worse // wildfell hall: lmao i’m gonna leave his ass anyway i enjoyed the part that is actually narrated by the titular tenant of wildfell hall, helen (which thankfully, i think, is most of it) because the perspective of a woman who runs away from her abusive alcoholic of a husband is genuinely interesting and engaging, while gilbert, the frame story narrator who falls in love with helen, is.... the worst. i mean he’s not the worst bc the abusive husband arthur is there and hard to beat in terms of worseness, but he’s pretty fucking bad. imagine if helen had found out that gilbert attacked her secret brother over a misunderstanding, severely injured him & LEFT HIM TO DIE & then (when dude survived & the misunderstanding got cleared up) apologised like well i guess i didn’t treat you quite right! she’d have to run away from her second husband as well! poor girl. 3/5