#i am so so SO tired of seeing myself as ugly or fat the moment i put on something comfy and big. the moment my clothes are not a second skin

[pendragora]

Might a girl live without any body horrors for just one fucking night

[fanfictionismyaddiction]

Now I’m in the last of us

A young woman wakes up in the last of us not knowing what will happen after she only watched two episodes. How will she survive the apocalypse? And will she find Joel and Elli?

AU of the last of us.

read on wattpad

———————————————————————————————

Chapter 1.

When I got home from a full day of work, I cooked myself a nice plate of pasta having the recipes from one of the TikTok videos I watched the day before. After that doing my full-face routine so that it wouldn't matter if I would make it to bed or just crash on the couch as it happened more often than I would like to admit.

I was now pretty invested in the series even though I still didn't know what was happening. But I wanted to know what was happening. At the end of the second episode, I was pretty tired but still wanted to know how it would go on. Letting the auto-play let run through so that the next episode would start. Ellie and Joel were just making their way to frank and bills house when I noticed my eyes getting heavier and heavier.

When I woke up, I noticed immediately that something wasn't right. The first thing I noticed was the smell in my apartment. I turned on my couch and had to sneeze. When my eyes opened everything was full of dust. The paint peels off the walls and my bowels with my snacks smelled awful. I still had my skims on and was clean like the day before but everything else around me looked like it wasn't touched in decades. It was weird and I was thinking that this must be a dream, or I was turning crazy.

Maybe I did work too much? Or my brain was just exhausted? I don't know but whatever I just have to find out what's happening. I walk over to my window looking out to the street where it also looked like in the series. What the hell? It can't be possible that I was actually transported into the series like it often happens in fanfiction where a crazy person writes that some random person is transported into their favorite series just to fall in love with their favorite character.

I mean, first of all, I don't know what's happening in that series and second of all I don't have a favorite character. So please someone explain to me what's happening.

But there's no one here. Not a single person is in that got dam building. I tried looking for my neighbors but every apartment on my floor was abandoned.

My own apartment still looked the same as it did only hours before only full of dust and like it wasn't touched in the last 20 years. I still had all my gadgets like my MacBook my iPhone and all the other stuff it just didn't work anymore. The weirdest thing is that the apartments of my neighbors look like from the beginning of the 2000s. which is especially weird because I myself am only 23 so seeing things that I grew up with is super strange.

I am sitting on my bed holding my legs to my chest crying not knowing what the hell I am supposed to do. The whole day just went over with me sitting on my bed looking out of the window now and then. When evening came, I just laid there till sleep or exhaustion came I'm not sure which it was. I only hoped that my mind was playing games with me, and I would wake up again and everything would be the same as it was before.

When I woke up again this new reality was still around me. I screamed. Ugly tears were running down my face. It felt like I didn't even go to sleep. I didn't drink or eaten anything the day before and the crying most likely didn't help my condition. I went to the kitchen hoping that I had something to eat. Right at that moment I deeply regretted not buying any cans of food like I did when I was a student but no. Two days before I got to this new reality being healthy and doing sports being a fucking stick was the goal not just for me but for a lot of women so yes, I tried to eat as little as possible so that I wouldn't have so much fat on me. I'm not skinny per se but also wouldn't say I'm thick or anything just your normal body type but fortunate enough to have good genes so I was well proportioned. But yes, society still made me try to get skinnier and skinnier. But I often failed. I'm one of the people that wouldn't easily lose pounds but if I only breath around a cake I would gain a few pounds. Thinking about that now seems super ridiculous.

If I really am in the last of us that is. I still haven't seen one of the zombies or whatever they are called. The most I know about them is from the two episodes I watched and the walking dead. But what I could gather from the few episodes is that those two fandoms are completely different and that the zombies from the last of us are way worse and much more dangerous. Well, congratulations to me, I guess.

I found one can of beans being grateful that I still had something. After eating that I tried the sink I was astound that it actually still worked so I had a glass of water to hydrate myself. Afterwards I tried gathering things so that I would even have a chance of survival. Deciding that I couldn't stay here in my apartment forever.

I found out that apparently one of my neighbors was preparing for the end of the world they had a bag and all the things that you would need to survive this hell.

I never thought that after covid I would actually have to be prepared for the end of the world only thinking that the end was quarantine which didn't prepare me for things like that. In quarantine being lonely was the only thing that was hard. But I have to say even then I didn't feel as lonely as I do now. Back then there were still people around me now there was no one.

I gathered all that I could find having a few rations of food for the trip. Even though I still didn't know where to go but I thought it would probably be safer outside of the city than not being able to see what was lurking around the next corner. I also found a knife, a backpack, a lighter which was almost empty, and a gun which I found behind the back wall of a closet. I never in my life used a gun but every guy in apocalypse movies or series had one so I would probably have to use one too. But for now, I didn't actually want to use it, being that it is more likely that I would harm myself rather than the person or zombie I would try to use it on. Maybe I could use it as a threat to people if it ever came to this situation. They wouldn't have to know that I don't know how to use it. Now the only difficulty would be to actually get out of the city. Searching my closet for some clothing that I could use was also a thing. I decided to do some good old fashion layering. Putting on a black sports bra from VS, a black cropped t-shirt from Chanel, an oversized hoodie from harry styles merch, some black cargo pants from Lv, my black buffaloes and I still had my gold jewelry on that I got from my grandma. I know that these clothes might not be the best for the end of the world, but they were the only things I had. After I started working and actually working my way up the job ladder, I had enough money being able to buy designer clothing. Which as you can tell I really did.

Next, I got two water bottles for the way. I started my descent from my apartment. I lived on the 10th floor. I tried to be as quiet as I could be, not knowing what will wait for me when I'm outside. Getting to the ground floor I open the double doors that just a few days ago were always opened by the friendly portier Freddy. He was a lovely older man that was like a grandfather always asking how I was and if I need anything and actually meaning it which made it easy for me to really love him in a paternal way. But now he wasn't here anymore, and I made my way outside. I walked down the street making my way outside of the city. I was fascinated by the different plants that were able to make their way through the tarmac. Maybe that wasn't the most intelligent way though it was beautiful I quickly realized that I really had to watch where I'm going. Just a few centimeters before me there was this trail of cordyceps like I had seen in the series where Joel tolled Ellie to watch out it also was already dead, but it also could have been still alive.

When I turned onto the last street that would lead me to the outskirts of the city, I saw the first person since I got to this god-forsaken reality. I ran to this person; I didn't think in that moment just being happy to see another person but as I made my way nearer and nearer, I realized that this human wasn't human at all. They turned in my direction making me able to see into their face. I got slower and slower till I finally came to a stop. I didn't know what I should do now, but they came nearer and nearer and at a speed that I never would have thought a zombie could move. I tried to get my knife out of my pocket at the side of my pants really panicking now that I wasn't able to do it as fast as I would like to. I had the knife in my hand, but it was still protected which was good because I didn't know how to use it but at this moment, I just wanted to use it as fast as possible. The zombie jumped onto me making me lose the knife on the ground while the both of us also fell. I was able to keep their face far away from my body while also searching with the other hand for the knife. My fingertips were able to make contact with the knife, but I wasn't really able to get to it. The zombie was getting more aggressive when I finally got the knife in my hand. Trying to gather all of my strength I punched the knife through the skull of the zombie using full force. Luckily it stopped moving but now the full weight was laying on me. Making my way from out below the zombie I was glad that my survival instincts kicked in. I didn't really get how I survived this, but I was glad that I was now still breathing even if it was very heavy.

After a break trying to catch my breath again, I walked on and found a brick on the side of the road. After finding some fuel and short-circuiting it (I once saw a video on TikTok on how to do this) I was able to make my way much quicker through the city and over to the suburbs of Lincoln, Massachusetts.

[risu5waffles]

CW: self-harm, injury (post stitches photo, no gore)

So, we talked a bit on stream last night, and i don't know how much sense anything made beyond the concrete details. It's hard to put into words really, where my head is. Even when things are happening, like, i know they're real, and the result of decisions i am making, have made, but they don't feel really real? i've thought a lot and a long time about cutting myself, and i never really thought it was a particularly good idea. i didn't see it in any way constructive or helpful. i wasn't even really sure it was filling a bad need. And yet, i'd find myself, now and then, digging in wiv a box cutter, like, "ope, i guess this is what we're doing now, then." And even then, even now, my brainmeats are like, "what's this chickenshit now? How come you can't even lean into this ? We've known gals what look like they've been rolling round in bobwire." It's true. i've known more than a few gals who've gone and really fucked themselves up, and thinking of them, and looking at my arms, and even now i think to myself, "oh, we could go way harder than this."

So, yesterday i did. Not that that was the intent. To the extent there was an intent. i'd been putting it off wiv tasks since the night before, 'cause that works sometimes. "Can't do this now, we've got laundry to do, don't want blood on clean clothes. Well, now we're home, but how about a run of Isaac first. Oh, well, now we're too tired to get up to dickens. Oh, it's morning, but let's record a few archive episodes first. Well, those'll have to get edited now." Sometimes it's just loading one more thing and one more thing, keeping yourself busy long enough that the feeling passes. And usually you're lucky. And then sometimes there's a gap.

i didn't even really feel it. That's bothered me in a lot of different ways since this started. Like, it ought to hurt. That i've so divorced myself from myself it didn't feel much worse than a scratch. i knew i'd really fucked up this time when the wound spread open and i could see i'd cut down into the fat. It bled surprisingly little. And even then looking at it, and knowing this was a really bad scene, there was a part of me that was like, "this ? This ain't nothing. run it under a tap a bit, slap on a bandage, and get on wiv your day." Even now i half-think that, even though i know it's pure-d bullshite. Was worrying about infection that got me to go the ER. It'd be one thing to hurt myself and wind up wiv an ugly scar. It'd be quite another to get sepsis and die. i'm not well, but i'm not suicidal. Well, not actively suicidal. i've been thinking of suicide on the daily since i was a kid. But i still don't particularly want to die? It's a hard distinction to explain, and generally i just don't try to, and live wiv the results.

(i have some other, worse pictures, so i have something to throw at the brainmeats and say "yes, actually, this was bad." those pictures will not be shared. ever)

Can we talk for a moment about affordable healthcare? Now it's pure bullshite they tagged me an extra 7700yen for not having a referral (to the ER?! Like, what?!), but that means the cleaning and six stitches i got ran me 2000yen. The looking at i had this morning (they wanted to be sure my arm wasn't going to fall off. Spoilers: it is not going to fall off)? 220yen. i don't even want to think what that would've cost in the US. Would probably have to cut my arm off to pay for it. Now, i'm of the mind healthcare shouldn't cost anything at all, and the Japanese system is far from perfect, but... like... i was able to afford it.

The last time i did this, which did not require stitches, couple of weeks back? It was in one of those gaps where i couldn't do anything but wait for the episode i was working on to render, so i could start up the next. So, i look up from it, from my arm, looking for something to clean away the blood and see how bad it was this time, and there's the episode bumper up on the telly. "For fierce trans joy" all in big letters. And i felt such a sense of shame. Just deep, weary shame, like i was caught in a betrayal of community. A betrayal of concept. "Is this, am i, what 'fierce trans joy' looks like?" i felt such disgust and self-loathing. And still it did not stop yesterday from happening.

So where am i? Where are we? i have responsibilities to my community, if to nothing and no one else. i do take what i do, as little as it may be, seriously. That's why i decided to talk about it last night, and why i'm setting things down here, now. i'd rather have folx know, and be able to decide how or if they want to be wiv me, than not know and be hurt and surprised later? If i can't do right by the people who've done right by me, what kind of shitheel am i?

i'd like to say yesterday (or worse) won't happen again, but i didn't think yesterday was going to happen until it was happening. i can say, at this exact moment, i don't want to cut myself, but i'm not entirely sure that's a meaningful statement? All things considered? i'm trying to set up a trip to see my folx this summer that is really also a trip to see if i can finagle my way onto HRT somehow. i don't think progressing wiv the meatside of my transition is going to magically cure how deeply fucked my processing has gotten, but i know the past four years (four years already? Fuck me sideways) not making any real progress at all has not helped in the slightest. Figuring my shite out on the eve of a global pandemic was, as the kids say, a spot of poor timing. Besides, to the little extent i actually feel want, i want this. That has meaning all on its own.

So, yeah. That's the that. Things internally suck. i had a pretty bad scare. My brainmeats are still trying to downplay everything. But, like, i don't want to die. And today was a nice day. i put on my best dress, and went out to Kichijoji, and bought some stickers. i'm making curry, because even if i don't ever feel particularly hungry, i know i have to eat, and my curry is pretty good. Tomorrow's another day off (was s'pposed to work today, but, like, hospital), and hopefully it'll be nice, and i'll get a few things done and go down to Harajuku and look at all the pretty clothes that not even cis girls fit in (seriously, the first time i went, i thought the shops were stocking for actual children).

Love all y'all. You take care now, stay safe, and have a wonderful day.

(i didn't bring the parking sign, it just hasn't been in any pictures recently)

(old hands, can you pick out the new stickers? if you can tell me, you get a cookie. also my undying love. but you'd have gotten that anyway)

[rantsofamadam]

TW: mentions of depression/SH/suicide and mental health

Depression sucks.

Last night my list was a full page long of everything I wanted to get done today.

Now it’s 9:18 and all I’ve done from that list is do my laundry.

I should shower tonight. I don’t even want to do that. Nearly at all.

Depression ig?

But why? Wrong meds? Off meds? Hormones? Trip depression? Life?

Augh I don’t know.

I just know there’s too much wrong with me and I’m too tired to care.

Death and sex, my two main thoughts.

Oh to be a teenager.

What else is new.

God I’m a fucking mess.

I barely feel like a person enough as it is- and here I am.

2:23 am on Easter Sunday.

Crying.

Because I fell asleep too early like an idiot.

Too apathetic to do much else than sleep. So that’s all I did.

I didn’t really mean to, it was just supposed to be rest.

But now it’s 2 am and everything feels wrong.

My phone is still here. My door was still half closed.

I pray my mother came to check on me even if she knew I was asleep.

My meds are un-taken,

My teeth are un-brushed,

I didn’t shower

My clothes aren’t in the dryer

My hair is matted

My body has new scars,

And my back is aching so badly because I fell asleep on the wrong side.

I woke up with a bloody nose,

There’s an empty suitcase talking up space in my room,

My pillows are flat,

My sheets are coming undone,

Now there is fermenting apple juice in the bottom of a plastic bag on my floor.

I’ve grown so familiar with the smell,

I leave everything how it is.

Because it’s 2:26 am and I’m crying.

None of that will be solved now.

My charger is dead.

My headphones are dying.

My phone is at 18%.

I don’t care anymore.

At least I found my once lost headphones. Even that I barely got right.

I didn’t do any of my homework or clean my room nearly at all.

Can’t even take care of my basic self.

My face is fat and ugly.

I can’t stop being tired.

And now I’m expected to see family and go to church tomorrow?

I hope we don’t.

I hope my brothers sickness lets us just stay home. Not worry about judgement from family. Not worry about Easter. Just be. Please. Just be.

Lord, I think you would forgive us if we just- were. For a day. I know it’s Easter Sunday.

But isn’t this what you died for?

For us to- forgive each other. Lift each other up. Give each other time, space, love, moments to cherish, be together and breathe.

Please.

I need that from my family more than going to church.

My hairs getting long but I’m kind of a fan.

I dream of painful tattoos decorating and scarring my body.

The lines I create are therapeutic in that way.

I stare at my red scars in the mirror.

My shoulder and thighs.

I admire them. I want more but don’t want to ruin their symmetrical, abstract perfection.

Hitting myself is easier than taking action.

Hitting myself is easier than processing.

Hitting myself is easier than receiving love.

Slap. Punch. Slam. Slam. Slam.

I wish I could knock myself unconscious instead of just creating bruises.

I can’t do this.

The anxiety grows to an unbearable point.

Please leave.

Please stay.

Please let me beat myself to a pulp until the cops finally find out.

And rip me from myself.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

10.22.24 Tuessay? Choose say??

5:39 am

Still,have windblow...

Preparing to take off...

Am i saying this? Or I think there are some people who made me like this for 17 years...

Yeah! I feel small for not having success... I feel small coz the one for me always taken away from me... Always replacing me on my position. Always stealing my chair... But what can I do? What can I say???

7:25 am

Still,have windblow...

Get me Araneta,I want a team in this world!

Hmm... I need a team on me! Only me the center...

8:52 pm

Still,have windblow...

This Uncle Jun is still immature and fakers... I said I have no extra money, he texted me to buy an extra foodish. I have my own expenses as well... I just read it now... I paid my Tala and I still have creditz... He knew I just paid my loans... My money here is for my personal expenses, something personal for myself... Until next salary...

Next time I will share, I said I can only share for the wifi and some rice... I want to save for my nose perfection... I also wanna travel...

It is my right to enjoy my salary,in a way....I feel super self-pity... I'm not selfish, I don't have any guilty emotion..

I'm maintaining the water container and some dish washing liquid. I always change our sponges for our plates...

Though, I know Uncle Jun is sharing a foodish here like tocino,hotdogs, longganisa,tapa,burger these frozen food...

I can't shoulder for the entire expenses now here... My salary is really small, it is really for "single sign on"....

Wifi and some rice for now... I still have my creditz that I need to pay...

Aside from I feel fat and ugly...

Both of my uncle's are immature... I have my own personal expenses....I just bought a shampoo on sachet they thought I have so many money...

Done, cleaning and eating dinner... How I wish I can have my yaya back and helpers...

I have a long day now ...A bit tiring and stressful...

The money that I had came from my dead friend Ely.... Or from loan apps...

My last chat with a client was almost 2 hours as well.... It is about her Samsung TV that he couldn't access his disney+... I did a troubleshooting guided by Sir Matthew,Rona,and Kate... It was really crazy hellish to receive an error 73... That you will not have access on youe Disney+ due to location limit... I thought I can have a good survey but after I asked is there something else? Client closed right away our chat... I finished my chat around 6pm and it is 2 concurrency... Hellish... 2 chats at the same time...

I'm not yet one month,angels... It will be a month tomorrow...

9:31 pm

Still, have windblow...

I really wanna see Rocky not Glen... I don't like Glen coz he was immature...

I don't like Glen,anymore coz he doesn't want to give me a "serve"... He doesn't know how to serve a pie...

Rocky is a doctor,my real brother and my real xhusband in Betan group.

I don't like Glen coz he was immature,time that I needed him he didn't show up...

Rocky was really my xhusband in Betan, we just lost communication coz he needed to be a doctor and I was working and met my other xhusband...They were my xhusband coz I had a 69 with my 3 xpartners! JP is missing in action, I had 69 with JP. Even on my x-Ryan I had 69... During our younger years our skin and beauties were really fresh and smooth...

Now, I feel so concious... I'm not fixing at all.... What I have is just "organic"...

I can't see my own group....I know there is a grouping in society... Now, I wanna find my own group,who can help me on something like a movement for money...

I know I have to keep a job coz I needed money angels...

I wanna do 69 on my cousin-white... I feel angry and super jealous!!! I feel so jealous!!! Hating him...

It's been 17 years, I lost my moment to feel what I need to feel...

[lookatthativebeenimpailed]

Let me just spitball something... I am traveling in Croatia right now and we were talking about things that change you. Specifically studying abroad. It's been on my mind ever since my tour director mentioned it. I wasn't gone long. Maybe 5 months, it was only a semester. But she was talking about the reverse culture shock. The way that being alone abroad changes you. How people don't understand when you're changed or really why. And that it was really the beginning of the end in my relationship. Whats more is we were only together like a little over a year when this happened. But if I really think I came back different. I wasn't the confident girl who left. Being alone challenged me in a way that was beyond what I could handle. It set in motion the clear, slow and steady decline of my mental health over the next three years. I realized I wasn't as strong as I thought and it scared me. My boyfriend fell in love with the confident girl who had a sense of self. I lost myself. I didn't even realize it until this moment the impact it had on me. I morphed myself into a version who mirrored him and was only concerned with making sure he never left. It's a striking realization. And a rather tough pill to swallow. I still don't know who I am or what I want or what job I want despite having two degrees. Who am I? What do I want out of life? I cover up with humor and smiles but my eyes are still sad and dead. I'm not depressed and I'm managing okay. I'm just lost maybe. Like a ship without a sail or stars to guide it.

How does one go about finding themselves in the world. I have no sense of style I don't not know how to dress myself. But I also don't know how to dress myself. I want to throw everything I own away and start over. Obviously that's unrealistic. Or reinvent myself like literally become a different person. It's so stressful I could actually cry. I am so at a loss and so lost about where to go with my life. Please fucking help me. Of course who helps me will be me but I can dream that some magic fairy godmother will come out of the ether and fix me and make me all the things I want to be.

I've also somehow decided I'm ugly. Like seriously. I look at old pictures and I have to be ugly. I have a decent figure but I am fat and I am so uncomfortable in my body and I don't know how to tell anyone because no one sees this side of me. I am always the confident person around those I know and I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of being strong. Tired of pretending im good and happy. I'm not depressed to be clear. I know what that feels like and I'm not showing signs of slipping but seriously wtf do I do? Even my best friend doesn't get it. I don't think anyone even knows the real me or is aware enough to know. Literally no one notices me. I'm invisible. Literally. Insignificant. People say I'm important and they love me but I'm always an after thought. People don't message me or check on me or text me or even notice. How long would it take for people to notice I wasn't sending messages and being around. Probably way longer than my ego would allow me to think.

So here I sit. Having alone time on vacation because I love my people but I feel so alone. I just want to be honest without someone judging me. I want to be open and struggle and have someone love me and hug me despite all of it. Not leave me. Love is conditional and it should be. But I want someone to know ME and decide that I'm enough. That isn't too much to ask.

[hababa]

have been wrangling with anxiety and uncertainty and self-rejection around top surgery for the last few months but feel like i'm digesting these fears day by day and getting a bit more clear-headed about my decision. long elaboration to no one under the cut

im like 70% certain that i'm going to go through with double incision that i have scheduled for february 2024. sometimes i feel like i should wait a bit longer until i can afford or access non-flat/inverted T anchor/radical reduction (not worried about preserving nipple sensation but don't want to be unproportionately flat to my tummy and hips. god im so jealous of cis men and their stupid sexy little man boobs. i want just a liiiiiiittle fat left there, just enough to still look male). my surgeon said he would leave a little bit of tissue there but his other results i've seen online seem to be really flat, like prepubescent cis boy levels of flat, and i dont think that will match my body well cause i'm not skinny. there doesnt really seem to be a lot of surgeons that can do non-flat top surgery for NB folk around the UK/europe and i dont want to wait three or four more years before i can afford it in america or access it with nthanos, the idea of having boobs like this another few years sounds like hell. especially considering i would be giving up the option to have DI in the next few months (i anticipate if i cancel i will feel very depressed afterwards), and especially the more my body masculinises on testo. im also worried about my breasts growing bigger than i want which they might do w methods that preserve the nipple stalk - they won't with DI. compared to the pre-op chests i've seen of people who got inverted T, my boobs are really big and saggy so i also worry that if i do get to that point where I can access inverted T they won't be able to operate on my big fat fucking boobies lol. my nipples are super low down so idk if they'll even be able to preserve the stalks and achieve a masculine chest. idk idk.

i'm able to name now that i'm reckoning with a fear of losing control. i can't control the chest that my surgeon will construct while i'm under anaesthesia. i can't control how my body will look post-op (though i can imagine and suggest to him what I want), can't control if i'll like my new figure (though i can estimate that my self-image will improve overall? it'll be a huge adjustment...). i can't control if 10 years down the line i will have regretted transitioning (and my inner transphobe has a lot to say about that..) . it feels really frightening at times. the way i see myself and others see me is going to change permanently. i worry of my dysphoria travelling south to my hips and bum once the attention is away from my boobs. my fear speaks with the tongue of a facist and tells me that my body is going to look weird and ugly. and when i'm tired and i havent taken deep breathes for a while, it just goes on and on and on and on like that...

i think strangely i'm still a little in denial about being trans. i've been having trans feelings and gender dysphoria since i was like 16 (8 years wtf!!!) and even though it ebbs and flows - some days i can leave the house braless in a t shirt and ignore the dysphoria, some days i can't even look at my chest without wanting to rip them right off me - it's always there. denying it or feeling it deeply, i am having a very trans experience of life rn. i only started tangibly transitioning a few months ago this year w starting testo, changing my name and coming out. i've spent so much time denying and suppressing my transness because i was afraid about what other people thought of me. makes sense to me that i have internalised that ignorant, judgemental voice. it served to protect me for a long time, to tell myself "don't bother, you'll be a freak, you're not trans youre traumatised / mentally ill, you're throwing your life away, people will judge you, you will not be safe."

if i take a moment to distract myself, not think about it, relax, then come back to it, contextualise it, and ground these worries back down to reality, i feel more certain in wanting top surgery. i wore a binder for the first time in a while today (i can't bind very often because of neck/shoulder/back pain - a motive in itself for surgery) and was reminded that i really like how my figure looks flat, and that i can't get flat enough from binding. i tried living as a masculine woman for a long time and it felt like part of me was withering away in secret. though i can't really picture what i'll look like in the future (an... androgynous, dykeish, effeminate man? lol), the idea that these boobs will stay on my body until the day i die does feel unreal to me, makes me feel sad and frantic like i've got to get out of my body. once i get top surgery i think i'll be able to experiment with my style more because i won't have to exclusively wear dark colours to hide the shape of my chest. i'll be able to work out with more ease. my back pain and posture will improve. i wont have to be in this constant compromise between wanting to feel masc/good but having to deal with my huge boobies. i'll hope i'll feel more confident in my masculinity. i won't have to wear uncomfortable shit on my chest once i'm healed up. i think it'll take me some time to adjust to my new silhouette and i think i will feel a bit dysmorphic about the shape of my body BUT. i have spent a lot of time looking at other trans men/mascs top surgery results and i don't judge them nearly as hard as i judge myself - it gives me hope that i can become okay with looking trans. i like seeing the effect T has on me (minus the acne and the hair thinning lol), and often i'm attracted to other trans people FOR their transness. ultimately it helps me best to ask myself what i want, and right now I want to learn how to stop comparing myself to cis people and put more attention into celebrating trans bodies in all their delightful wonkiness. i have hope i can get to a neutral point with my body rather than scrutinising myself for not looking cis.

[calsgotdepression]

2/11/23

(tw)

I think when I have thoughts of suicide, it’s never anything “serious”. As in, I think about death constantly, especially regarding my own, but I never plan to do anything with it. I know it’s just their job, but I hate doctors and therapists and professionals that ask me and others things like that where it’s such a simple question where the response is supposed to be detailed but if I give my own thoughts and feelings I feel I’ll be hauled off to a holding room for evaluation as if I was about to kill myself until dead right that very moment.

I don’t want to die. That’s something I think very often, which if you’ve never experienced thoughts like these it may come off as ironic or conflicting statements, but I think many can understand if you’ve felt this way before. I don’t want my life to end, but I want my life as I know it to end I think is the best way to phrase it. I have a job that I don’t love, but I don’t hate it either, coworkers that I enjoy, friends that I like, and family that I all care about and a cat that means more to me than I think anything else ever will in my entire lifetime. I wish I was someone who wasn’t me. I often wonder what life would be like if I was “normal”. That’s a hard word to define when there’s 8 billion people in the world, but I define “normal” as in fitting in with the crowd and having people not really notice anything strange or out of the ordinary about you.

I’ve always grown up with a shattered prescription of self and I’ve had moments where I have looked okay but I don’t think I have ever had a moment in my life where I felt genuinely good about myself in all aspects. I’m almost 19 years old and I still can’t have a fucking photograph taken of me unless the stars align and even then I don’t look at them because I know it always will make me feel worse. I don’t think I’m objectively attractive. My face isn’t symmetrical and going off of western “typical” beauty standards, I’m fat, ugly, and short. 

I want to start exercising to lose weight because I hate how big I am right now but then I start to think will that even make me feel better? I wonder what it’s like to not worry about what you look like constantly. I went out tonight and even in the car I feel like I’m being violated by every eye that sees mine, even if it’s not true. I had top surgery over 6 months ago now and though things have gotten so much better, it feels Right and Natural. I wish I didn’t have to be thankful for something I worked so hard for that others just get right off the bat. 

My height is something I always think about. I wear shoes with lifts in them because I’m insecure. I’ve had genuine thoughts of wanting to be wheelchair bound so I wouldn’t have to be seen as short. If I could get leg-lengthening surgery, I would. I care so much about my body and simultaneously not at all. If I could cut my legs off and I’d be free of this mental torture I’d do it in a heartbeat. I hate how jealous I get of others. There’s nothing I can do to change it and it maddens me to the point I’ve thought of killing myself over it. I still do now.

I’ve never had a serious relationship and the reason I don’t really care about finding one, especially at this current time is that I don’t find myself loveable. I’m gross and ugly and disgusting and short and unfunny and often in my daydreams I imagine strangling myself just to relieve my own suffering. I wish I didn’t have a body. I wish I didn’t have a physical form for others to perceive. Other things I can escape from.

My misophonia is triggered by specific sounds, and although this condition has afflicted me so badly I’ve wanted to go deaf and blind just for some relief, I can escape it, somewhat at least. But my body is everywhere I go. I can’t escape it. My hands are too small, my legs are too fat, my stomach bulges out, my arms are flabby, my underarms pool out in little things of fat that I wish I could make myself throw up and develop bulimia. I’m so tired of these feelings every single day of my life. 

I hope things will get better but realistically they won’t. There’s coping mechanisms but there’s things I can change and then there’s things that the world won’t change and I can’t force myself to stop caring about the opinions of the general public and my peers. 

I hope that I finish my story before then and make a name for myself before I commit suicide. It’s not and if, it’s a when at this point. I don’t think it’ll be soon. But anyone that knows me knows it will happen. I don’t know what comes after death but I hope my last thoughts will be of the people I care about the most and of my cat who I love more than anything else in this whole universe or any of those universes outside of that. I hope people see me as a good person. That’s all I ever want to be is good. I wish people were nicer to each other. Maybe I wouldn’t have turned out this way if so. Who even fuckin knows. I wish I knew why my hands are always so cold or why I was born incorrectly or what determines whether or not people 

I forgot what I was going to write

I wish I was formless and able to do everything exactly the same as I do now, but that’s impossible too. I think the only thing I want in life is to feel good about myself but I don’t think that day will ever come for me. I just don’t think some people ever feel that way and maybe I’m one of them. When I die please do something to help out cats or the Bangor Humane Society. I care about them a lot and I have a hard time finding things to truly enjoy and cats are one of those rare things. I love everyone and my heart hurts constantly. I wish I could give everyone a hug and go out in the street and scream and cry until I lose oxygen and dehydrate. I hope for a world in the future that exists where no one feels these feelings that I do. There’s so many things to be thankful for in my life that I can’t feel it to the full extent because I’m in the way. Maybe none of this matters but thanks for reading I guess

My 19th birthday is in 9 days. I don’t know how I got here or who I am anymore. I wish I did. I wish I could find someone who knew.

[ohimesama]

1.31.23 Tuesday

12:48 am

I still have the windblow trap and I really feel fat and ugly and I feel insulted!

I HATE MANALOZ SO MUCH! I hate their cult! I envy them so much for having their own kingdom..

For the guilty fake friends who were able to perfect their down there and super busy doing their fake movement that according to them it is for me or just for themselves...

I have complex down there and my skin is no longer perfect these days due to this windblow trap and wanting to fade me and now I'm fading... I feel intimidated on their perfection and I can't be a friend of perfect skin coz I was the perfect one...

Now, Iost my smooth skin on my legs... I need to do scrubbing again and gluta... I feel so conscious on my butt and my down there is fading coz I'm not relax and we can't open the ac, my pie died again... I feel so ugly and conscious and JP knew my consciousness down there...I want perfection for my self-esteem. I need time ,new space and money in God's time.

I feel insulted on my old friends who were doing their perfection while observing me here becoming ordinary...

I need to scrub and exercise my legs again,in God's time...

I need to work and I need money and bigger money...

I still wanna see donkey & camel....I really feel fat and ugly now and I wanna buy starbucks everyday...

I love my baby.... Tuesday morning...

6:46 am

Done,feeding our other babies here... Mama Neko already had her enmalac vitamins and made her a fresh malunggay soup for her df.

Hmm... Anid is on duty today on Mommy Adnil... I wonder what will happen?

Hmm... Probably, Anid is cleaning the butt bedsore so much that cause the skin to be leathery wet... It is super clean but it can cause a leathery wet on Mommy Adnil's butt bedsore that can be the reason of crack skin again on Mommy Adnil...

When cleaning, drying, & healing the bedsores or any wound you shouldn't clean the excess skin coz it will just start to renew the growth of skin from dermis to epidermis....

Anid was there since last year... Hmm... She didn't know a single thing about the weird gossip in Mommy Adnil's subdivision... Was she aware of the crime gossip?

7:17 am

Was it possible that Mommy Adnil's house was really a ManaloZ follower? Why,angels???

So, that if someone killed or murdered inside there will be no trial. That'z a bullshit!

I care for Mommy Adnil so much... I was always a teacher's pet.. I can never betray my good teachers on me... I can never betray my teachers who cares a lot about me genuinely ....

Their refrigerator is Kelvinator but it is just weird or coincidence? That it was released in the market year 1914...

That founder of Church Of Christ registered their religion organization year 1914 as well...

What am I pointing here? A devil linking...

10:01 am

My moment for today angels...

10:26 am

On my first bf named Rocky, I never really cook coz he doesn't want me to move coz he wants me a mowdel kind wife... But I enjoyed cooking in a way just to chill... Rocky is a doctor angels...

On JP as well they didn't want me to move...We went out and men just cooked food for us women. JP is a businessman and Supervisor somewhere...Not gonna tell... IN AND OUT USA....

On my xhusband named Ryan, I didn't cook coz my body is tired... But it didn't work out and aside from I was really spoiled the time that we had enough money here... This one was a seaman but he owes me a big money. Hoping that he is still a gentleman.

Lil surprises of Hime Sama... I want those kind of partner... They want to preserve my beauty, aside from my body is tired on bouncing...

For the judgemental low minded people, my exes were gentleman... They know that my body is tired....I enjoy bouncing and the latest I love cooking in a way but hoping with a yaya again...

A spoiled will always be a spoiled! But a spoiled also need to learn the hard way... A grown-up thing...

Hoping one day but not in a hurry... I can return myself with dignity and pride...

My work now is really work then you suddenly cared from the heart....But still looking forward to have a better partner again and hoping it will last forever...

11:35 am

I feel intimidated down there coz I was really spoiled... I couldn't just accept women who stole my xfactor on men that I deserve... I don't like women who stole or got my exes for some personal agenda.

I hate that particular group here in Cavite, group of women who took away my xfactor.

I hate church of christ! I hate them so much...

3:19 pm

I still have this fucking windblow trap cult of Manaloz!

I feel self-pity... I need money and bigger money. I wanna buy starbucks everyday and wanna do gluta shots and I want perfection and I want bags. I really wanna see donkey and camel...

I remember that Doc Adoy, I don't like him, coz he wanted to get the trust of my family,the time that I had problem and went to Avida in the house of my crazy Uncle Doods... I just don't like a guy who is making an agenda to be closer on my family just to have me...I want mature man with stability with pretty face like my exes. I want us to move as we are friends or in group,that I'm their friend not my family but I want respect on my family...

8:36 pm

Thank God to Elsie, after a year she is here again... I need to work to continue my therapy on sciatica, an alternative for now... But sometimes getting providence as well... Elsie is really pretty and nice...We've known each other for 3 years now... She got a strong hands and I know she can handle my sciatica for now...I really have pain and she knew it and it is really painful even on my entire left body.

I told her that the pain is like an electricity running on my pelvic going down to my legs... I need a continuous session for this to repair the nerves and muscle and the flow of whatever is inside my body... I need a uterus lift next time...

My personal case:

I feel bitter... I feel fat and ugly and still want to buy starbucks everyday and I want a coffee machine with a capsule.

I miss going out... I wanna see donkey and camel. I wanna do gluta and beauty therapy on my skin. I FEEL SELF-PITY!

[cristianfaun]

wattpad extracts

i dont have AO3 because im way lower than dirt.

but i vent on wattpad too, so ill take some of my favorites bits.

“forever fat”

Always fat, forever fat; not that you can't lose the weight, but the way you felt, the way others made you feel will always stay there.

I have always been fat, since my birth, i will probably die fat, but you see, I'm tired of it.

And i know this feel is known by others by so many others, because since I'm fat i was the dummy on gym class, because I'm fat i was the dare of "go say they're pretty", because I'm fat I'm the ugly, the unlovable, the useless, the weak and lazy.

And I'm so tired of it, because you see, bulimia is not the answer but i just feel like i don't even deserve to eat at all, and i still do, like what kind of assholes just goes and pukes what they ate? Just don't eat and give your food for someone else.

I deserve this self hate, i deserve these feelings, and idk why i do. But it just is this way and I'm tired of it.

No, i can't love my fat, and dear god knows i will hate my body if get skinny, because it will no longer be my body, but is what I must do.

I must lose weight, for my health. Because I'm fat I'm pre-diabetic, because I'm fat I'm depressed, because I'm fat I'm anxious, because I'm fat I'm ugly and self-conscious.

Because I'm fat i must go to the gym where i keep lying about my tiredness just to prove I'm capable of being strong.

Because I'm fat i must dress one way or another just to show or not show my fat in a aesthetically pleasing way.

Because I'm fat must stay cool with this feelings and this pressure.

And maybe if it wasn't by my fat aunt, by my fat parents, by my fat family it wouldn't hurt so much, you would think that since we're all fat we would love each other and know we're worthy no matter our weight, but no.

I wish I were enough.

And I'm tired of it.

“I cannot hate you but i wish I didn't resent you”

I still remember when my mother proudly said she was not a lovely mother to me on therapy, she said she never showed love trough words or gifts but works of service, and truly i can't remember a single time you did something truly out of love for me.

Did you love me when you brushed my hair so hard i were crying and you threw the hairbrush to the floor so hard i thought you were gonna hit me?

Did you love me when you yelled at me while hitting me so hard my legs were sore and red for the rest of the day?

Did you love when you complained about every single thing you did for me?

Did you love me when i tried to help and you yelled at me for being useless?

I remember you crying making my dad ask me if I hated you, and i can't hate you, i could never do such thing, but I'm done with loving you, at least i were, i felt a lot of guilt and gratitude for all you did, but i didn't love you, i couldn't love someone like you.

Someone so much like me.

“anger”

I'm not an angry person. I don't think i am. Neither do I really explode but implode.

Don't take me wrong i would not do anything, I'm too much of a coward to do it.

But sometimes i can't help it.

I guess it just reminds me of home, and i want you to break my nose, so i can bite your finger off.

I don't get angry about dumb things, like people being late, or something being slow.

But I'm also done with being done dirty, to my past self, to my present and especially to who i love.

You don't get to say how I felt or how i feel about my past, that's my thing to decide, and you won't call me childish, neither will you make fun of who i was, because i did that and everyone did that too, and I'm done.

I'm done with hating myself just to not hate them.

I'm just waiting for the first punch...

I grew up feeling like a rabid dog

Turns out I'm really one just waiting for the moment i can bite.

“forgive me”

Not here on this church Not here with them I must run I must run away And pray to the god I stopped beliving in To never come back And leave my parents alone For i waited long enough To have this calm

But here in this church While I try not to flinch when my mother puts her hand on my leg Knowing well If I leave I ain't coming back I won't have were to come back I fear you father I fear you mother I fear your god That both of you taught me Is cruel Egocentric And like you Like both of you

And here while the priest says

"God will never leave you"

I cry like Mary once did "He nevera was here" "He didn't kill me when I prayed for it" "He was the excuse to hit me"

"If god is love, I don't want this love"

Fuck off

I'm leaving now

“untitled”

Im not home. There's no place I could call home. In this house with people that hate such an important of me. I wonder if I can leave and never come back I want to cry my eyes out I want to yell at my parents By my life I want to make them cry Like they made me cry All those years telling me I'm a monster Well it's finally true And oh, I hunger for pain And revenge Oh I hunger for blood Oh I hunger I hunger for so much hate And if I get the option to get just drunk enough I will do it just now, leave and go back to my house, with my dog, with my cat And leave

[chronic-claire-universe]

Tokyo Revengers: Taking Care Of You During Your Pregnancy Pt.2

We continue the scenarios about our TokRev Dads 💜 For the ones who don't know it, this is a continue of this so give it a read if you didn't 😌

Characthers: Rindou Haitani, Takashi Mitsuya, Shuji Hanma

Warnings: A tiny bit of Angst, Lot of Fluff, Detailed Birth, Cursing

Pt 1 | Pt 2 | Pt 3 

Rindou exhaled a sigh, finally home, he thinks taking off his coat "y/n" he says quietlly but as soon as he ears muffled cries he runs to the source. "Here you a-" he says but seeing you bare-chested and crying he already knows what's happening.

Mood swings happen very frequently from the moment you got pregnant, you couldn't accept the way your body changed, you felt awful and Rindou didn't help in that way.He cuddles you, he gives everything you want, but he has difficulty doing the do with you, this let you feel way more horrible than normal. "Baby, what's happening?" Rindou says huggin you from behind and tracing caresses to your 5th month belly, "Jeans don't fit anymore. I'm fat and ugly" you say sobbing desperately, "We can buy another one, and don't say things like this. You're not ugly, you're never been so beautiful, with our baby growing in your belly" he says kissing your lips, "Then why you don't want to have sex anymore? You'll grow tired of me and leave us even before he will be born", Rindou eyes wide "It's not this" he says with flushed cheeks, "I-I'm afraid to hurt you, both of you" he confesses, "But the doc sa-" you try to say, "Yeah but I'm afraid I will not know how to control myself" he says. Normally your hormones woldn't help judge the situation, but suddenly you understand that you aren't the only one struggling, "Rin, I'm sorry I didn't understand that you need help too. Beside this I trust you, I love you and I know that you know to take care of us" with that you put his hand in your belly and he feels a kick, "See even Kaito agrees" you say smiling and kissing him, "Thanks y/n" he says sketching a smile meant only for you.

After four months, you gave birth to a healthy baby boy, Rindou was a rock outside, but he never got so distressed seeing you in pain. "He is way too calm" Ran says looking at his niece, who looks at him, "But he's so cute, congrats daddy" he continues, "Wanna take him?" Rindou said with a smile, you were surprised to see Rindou giving his newborn son to his careless brother, but here he was, cradling his niece and smiling to him, "Little brother will not say it y/n, but we are very happy to finally meet him. You are great!", Rindou couldn't wait to enjoy his family, you, Kaito and his beloved big brother.

Did you ever heard about Mitsuya being husband material? Yep and this is what Mitsuya becomes as soon as you tell him that you're pregnant. "Taka you're overworking yourself" you say at 3 am in the morning when he wakes up to accompany you to go to the toilet, even the easiest thing to do are too difficult with the belly you find yourself in your eighth month of pregnancy, "Don't worry about it angel, I'm here for both of you. I'll sleep with you when you're going to take your nap promised" he says giving you a pinky, just like a kid.

Mitsuya is always present and trying to do everything, but the moment is in a meeting with a clients and his phone start to enlighten and buzz, he tries to ignore it, the calls continue and starting to sweat he says, "I'm sorry but I have to answer, my girlfriend is pregnant" he says letting the fiancées smile, "Angel what is it?" he says but as soon as hears another voice he panics "Takashi, I'm with y/n at the hospital, the water broke" Yuzuha says. It's early, it's early Mitsuya can only think about this, running to the car and rushing to the hospital, but here you are, talking to Yuzuha and Hakkai, just a bit distressed "ANGEL!" "Taka don't worry, everything is fine" you say but as soon as you feel another contraction, he juts out to you, "Angel I'm here, breath" he says and his friends take their leave, so that you will have your privacy. After a while the pain ease, but everything was long, it took you six hours and at the end you were the ghost of your normally self, weak, wheezing and crying, "T-taka it hurts" you say for the thousand time, "I know, I know, please be strong and push, we're going to meet our baby soon" he says with sweetness and caressing your forehead with a handkerchief, "The head is out" the doctor says and Mitsuya eyes grow, you're trembling and screaming for the pain, but Mitsuya with the purest smile, says "Cmon angel our baby is here, just one push, tight my hand and push". The courage grows in you and crying Mitsuya's name, a wail is heard in the room, "Congratulations, Ms y/n, Mr Mitsuya, here your babygirl , Mitsuya suddenly got hit by reality and looks at his daughter, with his same hair, "Hey baby, daddy is here" the whimpers calm down as soon as she feels her father's warmth and your voices, it's almost like she recognized after all these months talking to her, and Mitsuya can't help but cry, "You did a great job angel, our baby is here", refusing to discover the gender during the checks up, you turn to your boyfriend and taking her you say "What name we should give her?" you ask and Mitsuya sighing and caressing your arm says "Hime", "Hime Mitsuya, princess do you like it?" you say to your baby who's sucking for milk and slowly falling asleep, just a gurgle leaves from her mouth and you nod in approvement, the beginning starts joyously.

When you told Hanma about your pregnancy you expected the worst, smoke near you, leaving you for days and I'm not gonna lie, the first trimester he wasn't really present, but he tried his best, he wasn't smoking in your house, but sometimes he left for the day and come back in the middle night drunk and you throwing up, you couldn't stand it. Hanma grew better when your baby bump started to show, he couldn't say it openly but he found you very attractive and finally the proof that the kid you created together was here, he couldn't be unmoved about it.

It was night again a craving woke you up and being alone, you went towards your kitchen and taking the bowl of french fries Hanma took for you, you put it in the microwave and let it heat. "What do we have here?" found guilty, you feel Hanma huggin you from behind and caressing your belly, "Shuji" you say caressing his hands "Is Emiko hungry?" but before you can reply a sharp pain hits you and you find your pajama wet, "Shu-shuji" you say but your boyfriend saying anything, he brings you to the room, change clothes and bringing your baby bag and you he runs to the guard outside your penthouse, "Hospital now" and you run in there.

"Cmon doll, it's almost ended, our daughter will be here even before you notice" he says with an affectionate smile, "There's a fuckin head coming out of me, stop saying bullshits and do your job" Hanma grins taking your hand "Eh love you too doll". Hanma is really good, masking his distress, he wants to be strong for you but he feels a bit uneased, how could a woman bear this pain? how can she survive this?. Many questions roam to his mind while you scream but everything stops as soon a babygirl is put in your arms, "E-emiko" he says with bright eyes, your daughter keeps on crying but the blissful beauty and her eyes, got both you and Hanma strucked "You did so great doll, she is here. Emiko, daddy is here!" he says taking the baby and carefully caressing her cheeks the baby calms down, "Already a daddy's girl?" you say noticing her attachment to her father, Hanma suddenly thinks to the day where you said that you were expecting her and turning to you, he says "I love, you and her even more now, I will always be here for my princess. Thanks doll" he says with a pure smile, "I love you too Daddy boy"

@httptamaki @eriskaitto @ravenina14 @nanaminswaifu @ebiharachan @strawberrysanzu

Join My Taglist | Ko-Fi |

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

7.31.24 Wednesday

7:47 am

Still,have windblow...

I still feel frustrated....I feel bad coz of the work again... I feel that someone is trapping me unfairly here in Cavite,that thing I can't tolerate. I can't grow as an individual...

Hoping that Uncle Jun is really genuine this time... No bad acting since yesterday...

Uncle DD and Aunt Karen went out again last night...

I explained something on Ely it is about money...

The black kitchen tool is still missing??? Hmmm...

8:01 am

Uncle DD and Aunt Karen are here again at this very moment...

8:06 am

It is about the wifi again and again ha... Uncle DD said the payment is on Uncle Jun... Hmm... I hope there is no negative pattern...

Or it will be cut again angels... I don't like the same old story... Another good tandem,I hope...

8:12 am

Uncle Jun said he will relay the pm on Uncle DD... It is his responsibility,the wifi...

9:17 am

Still,have windblow...

My blue stick is gone as well, my reacher stick to reach hanging clothes... Grrrr...

I still need to get a job and money angels... Still,not yet my ideal life here but it is flatly ohkay...I wanna get a bf... Tired for 17 years here..

It makes me stress when one thing is missing here...I'm using it and this a house not a frat house angels...

I'm not sure if it is Uncle DD who got it? Coz I still saw it in the afternoon yesterday... Uncle DD was having that kind of character from the past months. I'm not sure coz there is no CCTV....

It is hard when things are missing here and I'm gonna be in the center of embrassment again compared to my other faker friends???

There is a sentimental value coz I bought that blue stick reacher, I told myself I will reach that blue... Why, I can't reach it???

But there is a yellow stick reacher here... I don't know if someone switch this on my blue stick.

Though,yellow is not bad... If someone just switch it? But if the main agenda is to steal my blue stick it is not fair...

10:39 am

Still,have windblow...

Uncle DD approached me few minutes ago that if he can borrow or use the washing machine and I said yes... Though they will not allow me to borrow their car and their fur trimmer...Strange...

I'm doing my laundry now and I have a new "Eureka" washing machine twin tub. This is easy and cost-effective...

10:50 am

The last time for a year I was the one who paid their Netflix angels... I was so nice... All of them even RV and Janna's Netflix. If I have I will angels...

Now, I'm planning but I don't have a job... Meaning I need to get a job and for my botox.

12:05 noon

Still, have windblow...

I still have self-pity coz thinking of my own glow... I still feel frustrated angels... I have no attention and I have no career... I have no friends on the upper who are able to embrace me as I was me that I was pampered and I had yaya's as well...

A lot of people are strange these days.... I feel hurt!

3:36 pm

Still,have windblow...

I feel bitterish, I wanna leave Cavite... I suddenly feel jealous while watching "Garret's video"...

I can't get a bf that I like and with stability that kind of face....I can't exist correctly... I feel fat, old and ugly.

Still,hating my cousin-white for being married...

10:01 pm

Still,have windblow...

I feel self-pity....Ms Sasa sent me a message that I need to re-apply again... I'm having stress... 17 years too much...They took away everything from me even my sex life and having a bf!

It is my right to have sex! My right to progress as individual... My right to choose who I want to have sex with.... I can't get a bf for 17 years, even a job...I feel irritated! I want a bf that I want or I will stab a man on his forehead and chest part!

I don't want a man who did say a bad thing about me... I will slash his throat and cut his tongue!

I don't wanna see you or meet you if you just say bad thing about me or I will just stab you on your neck on your right side while saying I hate you for judging me!!!

10:20 pm

It is "my hormones"... I want someone I want or I will probably stab you a screw driver on your shoulder and twisting it and telling you, "why you are judging me!?!"

I feel bitterish... I feel ugly... They just want me to be ugly and fat! I lost the beauty of my hands and feet,now what! 17 years too much of caging me unfairly!

I can't masturbate forever 17 years! I'm masturbating!!!

[fredweasleysrightear]

𝙸𝚛𝚒𝚜

𝐂𝐂!𝐃𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝗚𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: 𝗔𝗻𝗴𝘀𝘁/𝗙𝗹𝘂𝗳𝗳

𝐓𝐖: 𝐓𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐨𝐟 𝐃𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐀𝐃𝐇𝐃. 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬. 𝐌𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐓𝐖. 

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟏.𝟏𝐤

  Dream could see it in your face that you were tired, unhappy. You were withdrawn and distant from him, your friends, and the world. It wasn’t a secret that you were quickly falling into a deep depression. He tried talking to your shared friends, asking for advice on what to do, and how to approach you. You’ve only been dating for a little under a year, he’s never gone through something like this with you, this was new. You were usually a happy, cheerful, energetic type of person, but maybe it turns out that you were just really good at keeping your depression a secret. 

 You were trying to keep this a secret from Dream, but it wasn’t working out like you thought it would. Instead of trying to hide the depression it ended up just swallowing you. You barely could get out of bed today, you didn’t have the energy, so instead of trying to force yourself out, you decided to wallow underneath the protection of your and Dreams shared bed covers. As you lay there, tears in your eyes you could hear quiet footsteps coming into the room. You could feel his presence in the room, you could also feel the tension, but you don’t blame him. Dream was scared and unsure of what to do, and how to handle this, he talked to his friends, asking for advice on how to help, all they told him was to be there for you, to comfort you. You were going through a lot at the moment and they knew that. 

  “I know you're going through a lot right now, and I know I should be here to comfort you and let you know everything's going to be okay, so that's what I’m here to do. I know what's going on in your head. I don’t know every detail but I have a pretty good idea of what's happening. I’ve never dealt with anything like this with somebody. I’ve always been through this by myself so I’m going to tell you what I wanted to hear when I went through this.” Dream said slowly, he wanted you to hear everything he said, he wanted you to know that he meant it. He would never lie to you.

  He took a deep breath before slowly sitting on the edge of the bed, he wanted to sit near you but not too close to where you’d withdraw from,“You’re not a disappointment, You’re nothing to be ashamed of, and you are most definitely not an anchor, you do not drag people down with you. You are not your parents, and you will never be. I have never pictured myself without you, you are my best friend, my girlfriend, and all around my happiness. I’ve never been around you and been upset, angry, or even disappointed. Every time I look at you I see heaven and that's enough for me. You make me laugh on days when I didn’t think I would be laughing until my stomach hurts, and you make me so happy on days when I thought I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. You are the reason I wake up every morning and continue going. Without you, I don’t know where I would be honestly… I’d probably be homeless and eating out of a dumpster somewhere on the side of the road.” 

   He smiled widely as he heard the small giggle you let out at the end of his sentence, but he kept going, “You are my sunshine, and I don’t want you to think twice about that. You are not fat, you are not too skinny, and you are not ugly. You are the most all-around gorgeous person in the world and I’d give up forever to touch you. Every time I’m around you I get butterflies. You are caring, and special. I could not have asked for a better person to through life with because honestly, I don’t think there even is a better person in this world. If you were to ever come up to me and tell me to drop everything and move to Southeast Asia with you, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would rather spend every day in hell than be without you. You mean that much to me and I am not afraid to say it. I love you. I could never do anything without you.” 

 He could feel his heart racing, he was scared he did more damage than help, so he decided it would be best to leave the room. Maybe you needed some space. But as Dream stood up you quickly knocked the covers from your body and wrapped your arms around his body, clinging onto him you began to sob into his shirt. Dream wrapped his arms around you, pulling you more into him and squeezing you. 

  Dream picked you up carefully and placed you in the bed, climbing in next to you and wrapping his arms around you again. He was going to lay here with you until you could get out of bed again. He didn’t care if that would take two days or even two weeks, he would be here with you the entire time unless he was getting you food. He wasn’t going to allow you to starve yourself no matter how depressed you are. He could never allow that, not in his household and especially not to you. 

  “Are you okay?” He whispered, slowly stroking your head with his hand, while his other hands drew circles on your back. He was trying his best, he tried everything his friends gave him advice on. 

  You nodded softly, you were in the middle of falling asleep after finally calming down. 

  You were thankful for everything he said. Nobody has ever told you anything like that before. You were constantly referred to as an anchor by your parents or were constantly being put down by other friends and family members who thought you weren’t doing enough in life.  At a young age you were diagnosed with ADHD, but your parents never made any move to start you on medication for it, as time went on you developed severe depression, and yet again your parents never made an effort to do anything for it. You were thankful for your boyfriend. 

  “I love you too.” You whispered softly as you drifted to sleep. 

  Dream smiled softly before kissing your forehead and attempting to fall asleep next to you. 

-

[cherryxcadbury]

𝐢’𝐦 𝐬𝐨 𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐠𝐢𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐲𝐧𝐚

Your name: y/n

Context: In which Gio, your boyfriend comes home to see you upset and stressed

2nd person pov

"Just five more pull ups. It's okay y/n you got this." You encouraged yourself.

You completed another pull up before falling back onto the matted floor in your boyfriend's training room.

"Y/n I'm home and I brought the Thai food!" Your boyfriend, Gio, called.

Your eyes fluttered open but your body made no movement. You heard Gio call your name again before he entered the training room where you were presently stationed.

"Uhm y/n? What are you doing in this room? It's your day off from your summer internship and you spent it in the training room?" He asked you.

"Just because you're the football player doesn't mean I can't exercise too." You grumbled.

"No it's just that you exercise once a week maximum. And it's always at the gym. What's up with you babe? You were in a good mood when I left for practice." The American replied with concern in his voice.

"Nothing, it's nothing. I'm fine. Just a little tired." You muttered.

"If you're sure then okay. You wanna go watch Gilmore Girls and eat Thai now?" Gio suggested.

You shook your head, "I won't be eating the takeaway today. You go watch Gilmore Girls, I'm going to continue exercising."

"Alright what the hell is up with you y/n? You don't want to eat Thai food or watch Gilmore Girls? Those are you two favourite things in the world. Why else do you think I sit through Gilmore Girls every weekend eating Thai food?" Gio questioned.

"I am fine Gio. I have no idea where you're getting this from." You whispered.

Gio sat down on the floor with you and moved your hair out of your face. He saw the depressed look in your eyes which were pooling with tears about to spill.

"Why are you about to cry y/n?" Gio murmured.

"What? No? It's nothing, there's just something in my eye." You sniffled.

"Is it a tear?" He asked softly.

At that moment, you could no longer hold it in. Tears came spilling down your cheeks as Gio held you tight, hugging you while you cried on his shoulder.

"What's wrong babe? You can tell me." He urged.

"My body's too ugly." You whimpered.

Gio looked at you flabbergasted, "What are you talking about y/n? You're perfect."

You shook your head no and wept, "Today, after I went food shopping, I stopped by that store across from the town square to try on some office appropriate clothes for my internship. I found this pair of trousers and decided to try on and go a size up for comfort but it didn't fit. Then I got another size up and it barely fit. When I tried to bring it up past my butt, I practically almost ripped them."

"Y/n, isn't this the same store who's had weird ass sizing for a while? You seem to always have problems with this store's sizing but not any other stores. And even if the pants didn't fit why would it matter?" Gio replied.

"I'm too fat Gio." You sighed.

Gio ran a hand through his hair, and took you hand while staring into you eyes.

"Y/n, nobody's ever said that to you have they? Y/n you're the most beautiful girl in the world, you always will be to me. Don't let some ridiculous store define how you see yourself. Even if you did weigh some more pounds, how could it matter? You're beauty doesn't depend on your weight." Gio soothed.

"You don't get it Gio. You're an athlete. You're fit and you know it. Nobody would ever tell you otherwise, people envy you. Nobody questions you. For me, when I see other girls, I know they're better looking than me because they probably have such a naturally high metabolism." You gulped.

"Even though people say they want to be thick now or whatever, I know that the original beauty standard will always be skinny girls. I'm so sick of trying to conform to the beauty standards, it's exhausting. But it's how I give myself validation." You breathed.

"You know y/n, that no matter what, you'll always be my definition of beauty. You're enough for me, you're enough for your family, you're enough for my family, you're enough for your friends. You just need to be enough for yourself." Gio advised.

You nodded, "I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm crying. I guess I'm just so self conscious the littlest things throw me into an exercise frenzy. I just, I don't know what's up with me and why I care so much."

"It happens to the best of us y/n." Gio said.

"Now, do you wanna go eat Thai and watch Gilmore Girls? Because there's no one I'd rather do it with." Gio smiled.

"Only if I get the steamed dumplings." You challenged, a grin starting to force its way onto your face.

"Anything you want." Gio replied earnestly, wrapping his arms around you.

"In that case, can we play FIFA and eat Thai instead?" You requested.

Gio's soft smile turned to an ecstatic one.

"This is why I love you know." Gio mumbled, as you burred your head into his sweatshirt.

"I thought you loved me because I was perfect." You teased.

"That too." Gio quipped while hugging you even tighter.

"I love you too. But if I were to list every reason we'd be here all day." You voiced.

Gio smiled and hummed while the two of you sat hugging on the floor.

"On second thought, we can stay here instead." Gio decided.

"On the floor?" You gave him a look.

He nodded.

"You're a weirdo Giovanni Reyna. But I love you for it." You breathed.

Gio chuckled and before one knew it, their lips met. And so they remained that way for the rest of the night, just enjoying each other's presence.

[justin-hammers]

October/Early November Story 2 Prompt: Shower Time with some Praise Kink

Warning: A lot Degradation and Self-hatred with a slur. It's based on how I feel about myself. It's depressing, but there's a happy ending. Also some attempts of German language.

Words: 1,132

Ship: Erik Heller/Second Person POV F!Reader

The story is also down below 👇🏽

I closed the bathroom door behind me, and began to undress.

I was enjoying a lazy Sunday morning solo although I found it hard to enjoy anything this morning as something was bugging me.

Erik was still out of the country for yet another mission. I personally wish he didn’t go, but I knew it was for the best. It's what he likes to do I guess.

Trying to do a long distance relationship is rough, and he hardly calls or messages, especially at night before bed.

I'm worried about whether our relationship will still be what it used to be when he gets back.

I've been sleeping during much of the day and I hadn’t done anything even remotely fun other than masturbating. Plus, I got in a really stupid shouting fight yesterday on the phone. I realized that he was probably just tired and cranky since he was still on his mission.

We hadn’t had sex for a while too. While he was away, I thought the first thing we’d do when he returned was rip our clothes off and do it until we passed out, but those chances are just as low as the relationship itself.

I checked to see if the water was warm enough, and I stepped into the shower.

Does he not find me attractive anymore? Am I too ugly for him?

When we first met, he used to call me "ein schön frau." I was very flattered with his comment, and we just hit it off with our relationship. I have to admit that it was pretty fast, but he loved me regardless, but my self-esteem was lower than the deep end of the sea.

I always see myself ugly and unattractive as sin. People say my body looks so small, but I always think I look fat like my stomach needs toning and my thighs are so wide. My face looks man-ish and shitty looking, and I always have unnecessary body hair in other areas of the body. I still have scars on my wrist from the constant self-harming I have done when I have really bad days. I look so stubby and short that I could be mistaken as a middle schooler. Been exercising, cleaning myself up like always, and doing my best at trying to eat healthy and do less stressful stuff, but I feel like it's not enough to make me feel better, look good and attractive.

'Maybe he only likes girls who are fine with how they look regardless? Fucking doubt it. He ain't gonna want a Monkey Hyena hybrid looking girlfriend with stupid scars on her wrist and in need to be put down,' I thought to myself as I let the warm water wash over me.

I soaped up my top half of my body as I looked at my puny breasts. Maybe I really do look like a child.

Erik probably fell for some super smart sexy foreign model cunt or some hot prostitute with nice curves. Hell, maybe he likes hot fat chicks with a pin-up look. Maybe they all talk really fucking sexy too. I just don't fucking know! How can I compete against such good looking women?! I'm just a hideous midget from Texas!

I always felt like Erik was out of my league. A cute down to earth guy from Germany who was also an Operative? I failed to understand why he was ever interested in me.

"Maybe I was right. I should've killed myself," I admitted to myself as I started to burst into tears.

I kept on crying as I failed to hear the bathroom door open. The shower curtain slid open, but I didn't turn around. I suddenly felt some tapping on my shoulder.

“Is there room for two?”

I turned around to see who it was.

It was Erik, standing in the nude.

He still had that beautiful big grin on his face. I didn't know what to say as I was so surprised by the spontaneity of the moment.

“Oh-uh, y-yeah okay,” I finally responded, backing closer to the end of the shower.

The shower in their apartment was pretty old and small, but at least it's pretty roomy for the both of us.

“Excuse me,” he said as he went in.

My head was pressed between his abdomen and chest.

“I thought you were still on your mission,” I asked.

“Not all my missions were going to be long and complicated. The only thing I don’t want to leave is you,” Erik answered as he leaned over and began kissing my neck.

It was corny as shit, but his response made me smile. My cheeks turned rosy red and another “shower” had begun in between my legs.

“Oh Erik, I was so worried. I was beginning to think that you weren’t attracted to me anymore, and that you were meeting other girls that are probably so much cooler than me and I…”

He suddenly interrupted me by locking their lips together in a passionate kiss.

They continued to makeout in the shower as Erik's hand traveled the surface of my puny wet body. Eventually, he massages my small breasts as he breaks away from the kiss for a moment.

"You know you are such a schön frau. Your body is like a wonderland for me to explore. Your smallness makes me wanna eat you, and carry you everywhere. Your eyebrows are very natural like nature itself. Your Beige skin reminds me of my favorite season being Fall. My god, baby, you are phänomenal!"

I was blushing really hard now as I was slightly confused by his statement. I broke away from the kissing to respond.

“Ugh, I just feel so yucky everywhere," I confessed as I desperately wondered what Erik would say.

“Oh liebling,” he answered as he leaned in for another quick peck. “You’re never ugly. Not at all you are. You're as beautiful as the landscape of my country. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, meine geliebte. Don't ever push yourself to be perfect for me."

He then cups my face as his thumbs wipes my tears away.

"I'll always love you, liebling. Always."

He then leaned in for more shower kissing.

I was feeling so much relief and joy to know that my boyfriend liked me for who I am.

He put his arms around me, and pressed his muscle tits and abdomen into me. I shivered at the pleasurable feeling of my boyfriend’s slick body. I felt Erik’s member rise and poke my vagina. He began to giggle as I did too. We looked right into each other’s eyes with wide grins on our faces.

That Sunday we finally had sex for the first (and for the second) time since he was gone.

[monkeydlesbian]

at this point,,,i’m begging u,,fukunaga hcs😔 i love that funky little man sm i think it’s a problem

# FUKUNAGA HEADCANONS.

a/n: homie oh my dear GOD you just opened up the floodgates and i hope u know how to swim <3 with that being said, THANK YOU for giving me the opportunity to talk about the absolute love of my life!!! i am writing this author's note BEFORE i write these hc’s so there is absolutely no telling how long it will get. as always, i hope you enjoy and i hope you have a wonderful day! i am insane!

warnings: none!

GENERAL HEADCANONS:

where to start with this funnyman dear God.

fukunaga shouhei is a joy to be around, even if he doesn’t talk much and even if he laughs at his own jokes and even if it looks like he never blinks (perceptive king).

his company is really the best, like when you facetime a friend and you’re just doing your own things with each other there.

i wouldn't say he's necessarily an introvert, but he can be awkward in social settings at times which i’d say is normal for the average human being.

for some reason i feel like fukunaga is the person that’s always breaking that uncomfortable silence in a room full of people at the beginning of the night, but he never really gets the credit for it and just stays silent the rest of the time if that makes sense???

idk but i am obsessed with him.

anyways.

fukunaga strikes me as the type of person who just loves laughter.

he loves hearing laughter, being the cause of it, laughing himself.

it is my personal belief that fukunaga never EVER looks jokes up, he’s always just thinking funny things in that brain of his and i really love him for that oh my god.

the first time someone actually indulges him in one of his funny thoughts, he will immediately perk up and he might blush a little bit, depending on who it is.

another thought of mine is that post-timeskip he becomes WAY more confident in his interactions with people, like he's always sure that what comes out of his mouth is going to make you laugh.

“funny guys are dangerous. they make you laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh then BOOM. you’re naked.”

yeah that's fukunaga.

when fukunaga does happen to talk, it’s so easy to flow into a conversation and he's honestly just a really soothing person to be around.

he always listens when you’re talking and his attention is on you the whole time.

he’s the type of person that is nodding along with what you're saying and responding to you even if you get talked over :((( (so precious i'm gonna cry).

another random thought but i feel like fukunaga giggles?? i don't know but i feel like he barely ever lets out loud laughter and instead just giggles PLEASE i love him.

this got so long but TLDR; fukunaga is a funny, considerate, and sweet person to talk to and be around and everyone should love him. thank you.

RELATIONSHIP HEADCANONS:

SCREAMS at this part because fukunaga is all i could ever want in a partner.

he can cook, he’s funny, he’s a little weird, and dear GOD i know his paycheck is FAT post-timeskip. comedian and part-time chef KING!

not to mention he is actually very handsome and cute as all hell. if you think fukunaga is ugly then i am so sorry for you.

to be honest, i don't think fukunaga will be like wound up or rowdy or anything in your relationship, like a secret sort of thing.

he’s still gonna be fukunaga, the slightly awkward and cheeky and funny guy that you came to love in the first place.

he’s not much for grand gestures in a relationship, but he’s showing you how much he loves you by cooking for you, giving you company, doing your laundry for you; basically anything that would make your life easier, he's doing it.

fukunaga isn't really touch starved or anything, but that doesn’t mean he won't absolutely relish the times the two of you do get to be physically close.

(the following bullet point is courtesy of seal anon, love u bae <3)

while fukunaga won’t drown you in a hug the minute he sees you or loom over your shoulders constantly, he does like to hold onto you in small and more subtle ways.

he likes to play with your fingers a lot, give you small kisses on your temple as he passes by, maybe even a little pat on the booty if he’s feeling bolder than usual.

one of his favorite things is to see you wrapping your arms around one of his, your cheek squished on his shoulder as you watch him cook dinner.

then he's teasing you about being clingy, about how you can get enough of him, but deep down he really couldn't ask for anything less.

being domestic with you is also another thing that stirs up the love he has for you inside his heart.

at the beginning of your relationship, the first time you spent the night at his apartment, you had forgotten to pack your sleep shirt, so he just let you use an old t-shirt of his.

he had to pinch himself the moment you walked out of the bathroom in his shirt, your own sweatpants hung low on your hips.

even now, you still tease him about the literal hearts in his eyes but he can’t find it in himself to bite back when he sees you smile and giggle at the memory.

another thing about fukunaga is that he loves you without shame!!

even if he is a little more on the quieter side, everyone around the two of you knows just how much fukunaga loves you in the way he listens to you and the way he cares about the things you care about.

kids love this mf so much it’s ridiculous. your little cousins are always climbing on his legs and begging him to tell knock-knock joke after knock-knock joke.

and it’s like he never ever gets tired of them either, probably tens of thousands of knock-knock jokes in his arsenal to entertain them with.

your aunt is so damn embarrassing with the way she tells him he would be such an amazing father, sending you looks, if you’re picking up what i'm putting down.

one very self-indulgent thought of mine is that he LOVES to tease you.

whether he’s tickling you, picking fun at you, or whispering something a little less than innocent in your ear,,, he’s always trying to tease the living hell out of you.

like i said before, i hc fukunaga as someone who got way more confident post-timeskip, so some of the things he says will catch you SO off guard it’s not even funny.

that could have gone into nsfw territory but i had to physically restrain myself.

TLDR; fukunaga as a partner is someone who isn’t going to be necessarily doting or clingy, but he will cherish you with everything he has and does everything he can for you to make your life as joyful as possible! he loves you so much and will show you every day!

BONUS SCENARIO (i’m insane):

You close your book fairly quickly when you hear the sizzling of the skillet come from inside of the kitchen. Jumping up from the couch, you slide on the wooden floor as you make your way to your boyfriend who somehow managed to sneak by you without a sound. You smile when you see Fukunaga standing there, in front of the stove and in his element, his shoulders shifting from the movement of his arms as he slides the chopped up carrot into the skillet along with the other vegetables.

“Hate to break it to ya, but you’re not as sneaky as you think,” he says, adding a pinch of salt to the ingredients in the skillet before he sends you a wink over his shoulder.

“Definitely not as sneaky as you,” you quip back, sliding your sock clad feet across the floor as you make your way over to him. You wrap your arms around his torso from behind and bury your head in the middle of his back. He giggles, resting his free hand over one of your own and rubbing his thumb across the back of it.

“You’re clingy, angel,” he comments, lighthearted and airy, showing you that he doesn’t really mean it. Either that or he doesn’t mind it.

“Can’t help it,” you shrug with a sigh, “you’re sexy when you cook.”

He chuckles, “Oh? You don’t think I’m sexy all the time?”

“Now, I didn’t say that,” you huff, your cheeks heating up when you feel him shake with silent laughter.

The sizzling tones down a little bit now that he has all of the ingredients in the skillet and has been stirring for a while, and luckily for you, Fukunaga decides it to be the optimum time to turn around and wrap you in his arms. He kisses the top of your head and you smile, burying your face further into his chest.

“You’re makin’ my favorite,” you muse after a while, tilting your head so that your chin rests against his chest as you look up at him.

“That I am, sweetpea,” he confirms simply, quite enjoying the way you instantly beam up at him from your place in his chest.

“Any particular reason why?”

“Well, I thought that maybe if I made your favorite, you’d think I was extra sexy,” he jokes, though he sounds completely serious. He giggles when your smile drops and you roll your eyes, choosing to bury your face back into his chest with groan.

“You’re annoyin’, Shou,” you say as you squeeze him tighter.

“You love it.”

“That I do.”