#i feel big. i feel heavy. i cant change my diet because i am autistic. because there is barely anything to change after all that time.
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Might a girl live without any body horrors for just one fucking night
#le sigh#sometimes i really. really. REALLY want to shake my mother up. look her in the eyes and yell on top of my lungs#why? because she is the source of this... pesky and disgusting thought that i only ever am beautiful if i am tiny light and petite#which i am not. 1) i am 5'9 which doesnt sound like a lot but usually i am the tallest person in the room#2) i have been obsessively working out most of my life out of fear of growing big and this? this gave me a trained muscle#i feel big. i feel heavy. i cant change my diet because i am autistic. because there is barely anything to change after all that time.#i just want to. i just want to feel okay about the way i am. may i please for the love of gods at least see myself as normal. feel neutral#i am tired of weighting myself and having to talk myself out of the feeling of disgust when the digits get to 74#i am tired of stressing over a single sentimeter above my usual 100-70-100-ish figure#i am so so SO tired of seeing myself as ugly or fat the moment i put on something comfy and big. the moment my clothes are not a second skin#for the love of gods. please. how long is this going to take? how much longer can i possibly work for body neutrality?#i dont even ask to ever be positive about the way i look. i just. i just want to not eant to cut parts of myself off in delusional hopes#how many more nights will i spend crying because of this#how long. HOW LONG#this is too much#lena exposed
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